Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 228-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: June 6, 2014

When you bark like a dog, you should BARK LIKE A REAL ENRAGED DOG. Thankfully, we have the man to show you how it's done. Ain't no woof woof over here, kid. Your Jeans have spoken and confirmed what HALF of US already knew - Tommy is pretty close to being the MAIN MOMMY via the Biggie vs Bowie vs Beatles debate.  But then again Tina hasn't stopped making brown for the last few days, so does the MAIN MOMMY CROWN belong on her??? We have more awful songs and examine a Tyler Perry, uh, movie - is that what they're called? It also has a song that could run alongside Summertime and Social. It's BAD meaning BAD.   

It's a Gorong, Christina Bozhitsky I be flossin' my team, 28 inch rim My team be off the shiny man, hunky ass white Who just bought it, was it the old man? All I know is bite Hey, buddy, guess who it is Man, it be top dog to spread the knowledge All about the shits

Mammy T and mammy C Lex and all the good as guests Watchin' clips and talkin' shit The mammy is the best But I want to say this once we fold the shout Man, mammy's for life Fuck bein' a bro, go Jeans, jeans, jeans, jeans, jeans

If you're hearing this, the minute it drops It is Friday And guess what? Tonight, I am, uh, I am, uh, I'm performing in Portland, Oregon At the Fun House, June 6th 9 p.m., come see me And, uh, June 7th, I'm in Seattle

Uh, come see me there At the rendezvous theater Oh, it sounds naughty It's a blast rendezvous I didn't do it right Do it again, do it again It's a blast rendezvous Come holler at me

And, um, I love you Guess what, Toronto? There you go July 12th, the mammy's are doing a super show In Toronto, Toronto County It's gonna be fuckin' insane That stand up and a podcast all in one show It's a super duper pooper show

Yeah It's not crazy Tickets, by the way, have been rockin' and rollin' Yeah, get up For that Toronto show We're, yeah, we're doing really well Uh, on that one Yeah

It's exciting Um And by the way, because people have asked I think we should clarify It's not at the Pot Club And it's not a pot show You're welcome to get high On your own time

Um, you can get On your own time You can smoke before the show You can't smoke in the venue We're doing it in corporate style That's how they just talk to you at work What you do in your off time is your business But, you know, you can smoke

Literally out front if you want You can smoke with the mayor Yeah, you can be as high as you wanna be But, uh, it's not gonna be Like smoke in the room So, because some people have like Really, we've been asked many times about that So, just so you know

Um, it's a drug-free zone Indoors, but Like I said, right out front You can shoot up We encourage that Uh, July 3rd through 6th I'm at the Brea Improv in Brea, California And that's it, you know

Uh, June 20th, my show Funniest Wins On TV, not my show The show I'm on Funniest Wins premiere Swatch that That's it, that's all I got, right? Oh, holler What have you got?

Yeah, but you grabbed that, by the way That's for you, I forgot to tell you This mozzarella cheese? No I wanna look further left On the printer This gummy? Oh, the cotton

Oh, shit Silly goose Yep Um, so it's Friday night right now I'm at the Brea Improv in Brea, California Brea I have a, I have like a You know, arguably best show you could see

In the nation going on this weekend there Cause I have, I have It's three headliners I got Matt Folchron on the show Yep Your baby's father Okay And I also have, um, uh, what's his name?

Jeff Tate Denim on Denim, Jeff Tate So Wow That's, like the three of us Are doing shows a weekend Powerful, powerhouse I'm telling you, it's not, um

That's not common to see a show like that It's not, you got, you're lucky that your friends Don't have huge egos And they don't mind, you know Taking a lesser position to the headliner Let's be honest, it's a lesser position Jeff Tate has Yeah, they're being cool about it

What will Jeff do? Will he emcee or feature? Jeff's gonna emcee this week And then next week Uh, June, what is that? 12 through 15? It's June 40th through 19 Don't make that, yeah

Uh, San Jose Improv San Jose, please come out and see me I do have Denim on Denim with me Um, Jeff Tate And we will have the best I love that club in San Jose Me too, it's one of my favorites It's gorgeous

End of the month, I have, um What's it called? Oh, Buffalo, Helium in Buffalo Um, so that's exciting I've never been to Buffalo I've always been a Thurman Thomas fan And Buffalo wings are probably Your favorite vegetable

Yep, um, let's see, what else? Yeah, I added the Sacramento punchline July 31st through August 2nd So that'll be up soon And, you know, that's what's up Tom, what kind of vegetables would you eat? What kind of sides with Buffalo wings? Uh, maybe chocolate or

Something like that, is that what you're saying? Chocolate sauce on Buffalo wings, yeah What are some other sides? Um, I don't know, steak bites Hot dogs Pop popsicles You get all the food groups in there Shout out to Plum for this jam, by the way

It's so good, timeless classic this one Yeah, yeah, hold on one second Hold on one second Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on Alright, there we go Um, yeah, this is a very, this is going to be a very fun show Uh, what do you got for us? Love it

Not only that, guys, uh, guess what other holidays coming up? Farter's Day Farter's Day And, uh, you know, you're going to go to Amazon.com To do your shopping for Dad Why not go through your mom's house podcast.com Click on our banner And that way it takes you

Right to Amazon Well, that was like a high tech sound It's the portal Yeah And then you can buy all the stuff you're going to buy for Dad What are you going to get your dad? Uh, we're going to get him toilet paper And we're going to get him a squatty potty, I think

I think we'll do Yeah And then that's a really funny idea Yeah, and, um, I'm going to do it through our banner A little kickback for us Get your dad something cool I think I'm going to get my dad some condoms Yeah

He probably could use condoms and some socks I feel like those old school dudes, like our dads, think that, like, condoms are like a fucking musket You know, they're just like, what? What's that? For sailors Yeah They're like, you know Maybe I can buy some pork chops from my dad only

You know Hmm Anyways, thank you guys for doing your shopping already Through our Amazon banner, it really supports us Keeps the show chugging along So we love you for that Thank you, mommy Love you very much

And, um, you know, don't forget that But what that copy from Stamps was really saying was that, you know, why go through a hassle when it's time to enjoy things Like Hey everybody, it's summertime Summer vacation is here Gonna ride my bike Gonna go somewhere It's my favorite time of year

It's summertime We got a lot of feedback on this great song What I really like as it unfolds more and more in my consciousness Is the droning, the way they sing it Yeah, summertime Yeah, monotonous It's horrible I actually, I have social in my head every night

I wake up at some point and I sing that part My kids, my cats, some bacon I sing it It seems like we opened a new door And that door is horrible songs And guess what? This episode is Full of them

We got some new ones for you Let's do a proper show open Sure, long version Of course, long version The feedback was tremendous, so One person, I saw one person that said, I support Christina Never again This mommy will never

I saw like 50 that were like, you better keep that shit going Vitrio I mean, that was a very divisive thing in our show Yeah Besides the biggie smiles versus the Beatles We'll get into it in a moment The Michael, yeah Registered, microchipped, cleaned up after, desexed, leashed

Not allowed on the beaches or in the parks Outside certain hours So how is it that these two are roaming their neighbourhood Frightening locals and the council isn't stopping it Now yesterday morning, I came out into the front yard And the dogs were across the boat And as soon as they saw me, they came bounding over And I just made it into the front door in

This shit is big time Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this No mom in the fucking stand Welcome, welcome Welcome to your mom's house With Tom Segura talking to you Christina plazits it

Christina plazits it Christina plazits it Welcome to your mom's house Christina plazits it Christina plazits it Christina plazits it Christina plazits it Play it, go

Don't make eye contact and play it It's so stupid This goes on for days And then you get stuck And then you get stuck That guy's awesome Oh my god The actual footage of him

Just so you know the previous videos we discussed And Wednesday's episodes are up on your mom's house Podcast on prom As well as ultimate drumming technique Ultimate drumming Which people have been saying Thank you for sending us That wink too

That wink too Very exciting If you didn't know how to drum You may, if you're interested in learning how to drum It's just that you like music And you know, it's the thing is drumming Didn't matter who you side with You like rock, you like rap, you like soul

You like whatever You gotta have, you like drums So it's for anybody who's a fan of music Yeah, this guy's got really amazing skills Yeah, and I feel like I got a thousand requests If you see somebody walking down the street With their dog And the dog is being good

And at heel, don't whistle to it Don't say a fucking thing Never indicate to the dog anything The dog is being good If you like encourage the dog to come over And pet you, or be petted by you And it's on a leash The owner is gonna have to correct the dog

You're getting the dog in trouble, you dick And so many people were like upset about it They were like, the guy's a fucking asshole No way, that guy is speaking truth That's true of the power I love that guy He's right though Cause people do that to my dog and your dog

And our dog barely has behaved in public Don't fucking distract Theo He's Theo 24-7, he's doing his own shit 365 man, you know, he's usually hungover He's getting over, you know Like a fight that he was just in Somebody paid him less than they owed him He's smoking his cools

Don't call him over Like blood pressure problems You don't want to put a cigarette out To come fucking talk to you, man There he is, he's kind of on his back But that, the guy, is he Australian or Kiwi? This old guy with the dog thing, it's so great Cause I'll put this video on the website

The point being, so you can actually see him do it It's so funny He does a really good dog impression It's really good Yeah Really good Looks him across the road And as soon as they saw me

They came bounding over And I just That's so ridiculous He really got into it Yeah, yeah, I like authentic impressions Me too He went for it, man That's what's known as method acting, right?

Yeah Don't record me, yo son Is that up there? No, I don't have that clip But I put up the other ones I put summer time up So you guys can just see the whole video Really feel it

Watch that, watch Let's get social It's on there too Social The nipple guy, the Oh yeah, SouthJune Why you nasty King-ass rippers up there

Good, so there's some good stuff up there Yeah, I like to put all the And also we got a fantastic listener Piece of artwork Of Tom and I as gang bangers That was awesome What's Calculis? What's Calculis?

I think his name was patched keys or something Patched keys? I put it up on I gave him proper credit on the No, I'm a sign What's Calculis? Yeah Fucking

Fucking, I'm alive And the Syrian gang bangers are up there too, right? Oh yes Oh yeah What's up, what's up homies? We're here fucking Touring people up Some joker, Mr. Smiley

I tell you, the world is just full of Amazing things Okay, this is, yeah, from at patched keys P-A-T-C-H-D-K-E-Y-E As thanks for the beautiful artwork Of Tom and I as two Mexican gang bangers Yeah, alright It's on the website if you want to see it

But we don't have that We gotta put the Butters are not up there right now Oh no Alright, I'll put that up today Oh no It's pee-pee-stuckin' butter Oh no

Oh no Also, gosh, the backlash To the Biggie Smalls versus the Beatles I was really surprised You guys sided with Tom on this very important issue I'm not sure how I feel about you guys anymore I thought we were cool And

I don't know I don't know how I feel about it I'm still conflicted Yeah, well, you know, I would say There was a little bit of balance You know, there were some people that sided with you Very few Yeah, very few

One guy was like, oh, Christina's show, Tom, what was up? Yeah, I liked that tweet the most Yeah Thank you for that Clearly a drug addict to this show A drug addict, Tom, that's rude Can I tell you how I felt about it? I mean, obviously, it felt good that so many people were on my side

And knew that I was right But what I really felt like was that Stupid That people People actually really just stood for saying what you like It wasn't about who they sided with Right But that's the truth

The truth is this But who's not to say that I don't genuinely like David Bowie Or the Beatles over Biggie Farts, you know What? Huh? What are you saying? But I know you're saying that you genuinely like Biggie Farts over No, I'm saying that like, yeah, I do

And I think what people are saying is that Just don't go for the answer that's going to be most pleasing to the rock and roll hall of fame Or to normal people with good taste The fact that you say it's bad taste is what gets you in trouble It's so stupid to say that But you can't help it because you're not smart Yeah Well, you know, art is subjective

And my subjective taste happens to be superior to yours and, you know So you don't want to have the conversation Okay Oh Oh Biggie Farts What are you looking at on your phone? I was looking for tweets that people sent about it

There's one from Jericho Biggie Smalls over the Beatles 100% Okay No question He just has that look that makes all the girls cream their jeans Oh, Jesus Yep, pretty good stuff Never

It's just such a silly debate They're both dead, first of all, Tupac and Tupac Yeah, that's his name What did Tupac talk about either? He was talking about his mom a lot And then this guy said he would rather listen to the dead boys than Biggie I like that guy too

Yeah, Biggie over Bowie Biggie wins Yeah, Bowie's fucking garbage Wow Aw Wow Yeah You're gonna say David Bowie is garbage?

Yep I don't think that's a fair... See, now that's value judgment against David Bowie No, it's more a value judgment against you Personally? Because you suck Wow Okay That's why

Here's what I think of you and David Bowie Fuck you! I don't know how I feel about that That's really rude You know what I'm gonna start doing? What? I'm gonna start shitting with the door open That's not a good idea

That's your punishment That's not a good idea I shit so much in the last 24 hours, can we talk about it? Yeah It was weird because we had that Mexican food and then I... Next up, brown talk Brown talk coming up Well, as I was saying earlier, I had that catering with you, the Mexican food

And then I came home and I had a couple of veggie dogs And I felt the gurgling And then I went off, I did Alison Rosen's podcast yesterday And then I ate over at the Christchers and we had Chinese food And on the drive home from the Christchers I was like, oof I'm gonna shit my pants in the car And then I sat down to make brown last night around 11pm And the brown kept coming

Yeah I mean, I sat down and I thought, okay, maybe one kibble, two kibbles But it was like a pound of brown, like two pounds of brown Yeah Four pounds of brown And then I got up and I thought I was done making brown because my phone died too And I can't sit on the toilet without my iPhone Tell me more

What's the point? And I got up And I got up, I grabbed my nook So I could keep reading and making more brown That's right, you left the bathroom and you came out And I thought you were gonna come give me a kiss I was sitting on the couch and you go, uh, guess what? I gotta shit some more

Hand me that nook and then you went back And then this morning I made even more brown I mean, sometimes it's like God blesses you in ways you You think God forgot about you, he doesn't like you, love you And then he blesses you with so much brown Do you ever feel that way? It's a neat summary Yeah

How's your brown? I haven't shit yet, but I have to shit right now But you know what I'm gonna do, that you don't do? I'm gonna hold it You hold it for days, that's how you get constipated Piles? That's how you get piled That's probably why years all sound violent

Mmm Oh my God, so yesterday we were going, Tom and I We were on the freeway, we were driving on the freeway And we were... Remember that guy we saw? Dude in Silver Lake, we were getting on the freeway off-ramp And there was like this homeless guy Who was shirtless

But he was like... Beautiful The most gorgeous homeless man of all time He was like yoked He was yoked, he was tan Didn't have teeth, but it still looked good He looked amazing Yeah, his hair was like kind of flowing back

He had some gray in there, he'd been out there a while Barefoot, jeans, tight jeans, and then like... Shirtless Shirtless You're like, who is this homeless Adonis? Like I know who I want to train me Homeless Jim Can you help me lose weight?

I think I'll be losing weight, yeah You're not gonna stand still, you're always on the move The cops are out to get you I eat about 400 calories a day Most of it tastes pretty bad So you're not gonna want to eat anyway I haven't got diarrhea all the time You eat out of dumpsters, you know

It's food poisoning all the time You're gonna lose a lot of weight I'll have you do 25 pounds in three days Wow You look so good Yeah, you're running a lot Those people will throw us a value The cops will be like, don't stand here

But you get a lot of sun, that's a good part You get a lot of sun Yeah, you look like you got a lot of sun He was really tan The guy who could have been on Malibu Like in the beach in Malibu, he looked so good Just needed like a haircut and shave And a dentist visit, that's it

That was so bizarre Where do you think he must have been sleeping under the freeway there? Just doing push-ups on the off-ramp I think he just woke up in that field The field that we drove by That's so great I still haven't eaten this week It looks amazing though

Yeah, it looks good You know, if you don't eat a lot, it looks really good That's the key Food is the enemy when you're over 30 Oh, thank you for flexing You got your weights in the gym I mean, you're in the mail, are you excited about that? Yep, I have an Olympic set now

It's crazy I did power cleans yesterday I did squats And I did presses Do you need someone to spot you? No I can spot you Yeah, that's true

That could go well I'm pretty strong too I love those weights too I see you and I see a spotter That's what I see What do spotters do? They just encourage you And they're like, you can do it, go, go Yeah, yeah, that's part of the program

They go, just go, go Go, you got this, man They go, you got this You can do this This is good This should be easy Oh, the abusive spotter The abusive spotter is so much better in weightlifting

What do you think the homeless spotter is? And if I drop it, you gotta grab it for me Oh, that's easy I grab that all the time You should use the homeless guys That's a great spotter Absolutely You just have to give them a sandwich

To help you out every now and then Is this for the whole month? Yes, sir I think I, wasn't there some DVD out About getting prison fit? I think I saw that There was a real thing out there Where it was like, get prisoner fit

I'll show you how to do it Or maybe that was a jokie commercial That was a great joke Prison fit, it's a pretty good idea though It's so funny, right? Do you want to get yoked like guys on the inside? Yeah, because those fools They don't fucking know calculus

But what they do is Those fuckers are ripped, homie Homie, I do fucking Like 500 pushups a day Hey, blood in, blood out, homies Yeah Speaking of kiwis This one's real, by the way

One of the fake orchestrated ones Do you want to check this out? There's a real clip What went wrong there for you was Adelaide Oh no, I thought about it I was like, no, that's not quite right They decided years ago that Adelaide Wouldn't make a very good capital on the basis

That next to bloody nobody lives there It's like fuck her and the pussy Now, what was that? That was a rude lady So the girl really got a fuck her and the pussy That's awesome That's awesome, I hope this spreads like an epidemic We ruin the media

So it'd be cool if people really started doing that Now fuck her and the pussy It's so funny It's so crazy people are watching that at home And so many just leaned in and said fuck her and the pussy I love it so much I love that chaos, I think it's Fantastic

It is great Fantastic I wish Anderson Cooper would get one of those You know, like on CNN or something Yeah, yeah I'm gonna do that next time if they ask me to be a core Like, you know when I did that thing I'll come in your mouth Anderson and somebody like that

He's like, ah, stop We're keeping him honest, we'll be back in a moment I thought it was really neat the other day on Netflix They, you know, I was perusing the new titles Yeah Turns out Tyler Perry's Temptation is on there Now you were watching, you were doing a show And halfway through it you came in

You came home and I was watching Temptation And I got you to sit down and watch the second half with me What did you think? That was fucking terrible Why? It's so bad It's bad The whole thing is a disaster

I mean, it like every Do you remember what? I can't believe how much you like these movies It's like every scene You know what it actually feels like? It's My Biggie Smalls is what it is What the fuck? It's like a high school play

Performance Like the writing is, everything is like On the nose Like there's no The viewer doesn't have to think about They don't imagine anything Like it's just I like you

I don't like you anymore This hurts I know that it hurts I'm mistreating you because I've been drinking And I also feel spiritual voidness now I need some of my spirituality to be lifted You know what Tyler Perry movies are like? They're like our Kelly songs

Yeah, like stuck in the closet It's like watching, yeah, real talk or something It's like they love to spell it out And they spell it out again And then they act it out, it's great Tyler Perry movies are They're like unintentional comedies for me I really, really

But then I really also like a lot of the characters What was it called? Temptation But I also like the I do enjoy the simplicity And I enjoy the emotional honesty of his movies I feel like there's no pretension And I like that

Just because my family is so Euro trash Dude, I've got all the same shit in my family That Tyler Perry talks about I like that, like junkies Fucking bipolar It's not an objectively good movie though No, but it's its own genre Like the Tyler Perry world

It's its own ridiculous genre It's just great You gotta watch Medea's Family Reunion with me Just reserve Your judgment until you watch Tyler Perry's Medea's Family Reunion That one's a funny one There's a lot of good comedy in that

This thing was Not good I just, you know, give it a chance No, I only give it a chance Then the The other horrific part of it Was that I walked in like after

I got to see enough And then the song that played That's the best part I know That song, it was like Tyler Perry was like, here's what's going on in the movie And then we need the song To be about how she doesn't love him anymore And then whoever the artist was was like

Like how specifically Like real specifically Because the song was actually like I'm sorry, I don't love you anymore It's the worst fucking song It's the best Because you cheated on me woman And I don't love you no more

And you're like, oh, I get it That was incredible You know what I like best about Tyler Perry plotlines Is that I figured out the entire movie In the first five minutes So when the big reveal comes You're like, oh man, I fucking knew that

Is this the song here It's the best Where was it No I think I have Get off Um, yeah I feel so dead with you Bryce

Yeah, this is a temptation I do And I want to feel alive, I want to feel wanted I don't You took me for granted I didn't You took me for granted I don't just want a good guy

I want a phenomenal guy That hurts a lot You're not phenomenal What are you saying to me Yeah, he still needs clarification Wait a minute We have someone like you Someone help counsel you

You She's high on drugs You're not saying this to me No, she's saying it I tried, I love you I wanted to love you I'm sorry if I fail Why don't you start that song

About how I used to love you But I'm sorry that I don't know more But you know Wait, I'm in this, hold on I'm getting into this, I like the emotions I want to help you pack your shit Yeah I don't need anything

I don't just get my laptop I have everything I need Everything I can ask for a year Oh my god Okay There it is What? It's a pivotal moment in the film Tom

He's breaking up with Bryce First of all, he's the only black guy on the planet named Bryce I don't know why he chose that name That was his window breaking That was so mad Here we go This is it

This is it? I think so Okay We should Stop this war No, that's not it Oh yeah, that's when she gets her laptop song

It's just a breakup song When is the song? I think you're thinking of the last song in the film No, not the last It's the song that I'm sorry No, not the last That was a different jam and I liked it Look how upset you are

What I love about Tyler Perry movies is that his characters, if you're drinking alcohol in his movies, you're automatically a bad character That's how you know if you have money eight times out of ten, you're a bad character If you're white, you're definitely the villain

which is amazing and then you can't just learn a lesson the normal way It has to be a catastrophic lesson In this movie, I don't want to give the plot away Yeah, you wouldn't want to ruin this fucking masterpiece She's on her husband and not only is the cheating in and of itself not enough

guilt for her to stop then she has to get hooked on blow do drugs and then lose everything and then the guy gives her aids It has to be the catastrophic You can't just cheat on your spouse and feel bad about it It's so crazy

It's just good all the way around Yeah, well, it's a cautionary tale Here we go, I think I found it here Because when I walked in He called her I was like, come over, what's he doing? Watching the game? Yeah, oh, that's the best part Yeah, this is the guy that's tempting her

out of her marriage Hence temptation Goddamnit You're so upset I really want to hear this song, we have to play this song for this audience Okay, fine, let's pause and find it Yeah, we gotta find it Alright, alright

Here we go See if you can peel back the layers and understand what this song is about There's a lot of metaphor and veiled meaning The fuck, this is horrible Now, Judith, talk to me

Please, Judith, talk to me Judith Judith Please Bryce is nice Here we go I could forget him There's Auntie Fifi

I would Please believe me Social media Put my pen to paper I came up with this song Baby, it's not Not that easy It's not easy

You treat me So much better than him And if I was saying There'd be no competition But I'm in love With someone else With a piece of shit And I'm so sorry

I'm in love with another man And I know it ain't right Hey This is like one of those songs That just doesn't rhyme There's no chorus You should go and find someone else It's like

Who can treat you right It's like a musical Give you the word Someone who understands The man you are Baby, you shine so bright And I would just dim your heart It's like an Andrew Lloyd Webber

Musical I can't explain why it's him and not you This person can sing Clearly they can sing Could you hire a fucking writer? Why don't you hire the social guy? He can write a song for you If you give me the idea

I could absolutely Come up with something for you I don't feel like You understand the whole For your movie, for your event I can write the song The whole song, yeah We always seem to fight

He's got a perfect body But we're not with him And I'm with him I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I don't want to do this to you I'm gonna help you Do you feel it? Do you feel it?

I hear that you're sorry, I hear it I love that man I understand that you're sorry It's right for you, I get it Do you know that she's sorry? What's in that song? What is she talking about? You're sorry

Jesus Christ, I get it I just forward through the songs Here's the thing Hear me out I like it They're moralistic plays And I kind of like the morals in them And

Remember how you were like There's more soul in it There's soul up the ass in that Feeling, soul It's nice, nice stories I wouldn't go with nice Madia makes me laugh I like Madia

I don't like it when all dudes dress like girls But I like when Tyler Perry does Somebody supported Submitted this as a horrible song I haven't heard it yet I don't even know Let's see what this is It's not already

October 2nd Today, my life began My parents do not know it yet I am as small as the pollen of a flower I think a parent made this It's called Diary of an Unborn Child Oh my God It is already

I will be a boy I will have blonde hair and blue eyes Thank God Everything is settled already October 23rd My mouth is just now beginning to open Just think In a year or so I'll be laughing

Whenever I'll start to talk My first one This is a song, this is horrifying Living you under her heart Don't try it all off I'm gonna kill myself Again, there's no actual Like

Why did you kill me Didn't see that coming Oh my God Make me special For you Oh my God This is horrible Tell me

What did you see Oh my God This is horrible And put my little arms Around you Oh my God This is the most depressing song I've ever heard Why did you kill me

The baby crying now too Jesus I thought You really killed For me There's tears streaming down of baby's face Jesus Christ Is it a baby singing?

Animated This baby's got a good voice It sounds like he's got dicks in his mouth Oh Because mommy You killed Oh my God This is an amazing song

Dirty, dirty trousers This is a Scott's song, it's a special one Yeah, that was a really neat, that was a good one That was depressing What part? Thanks for bringing the move down It sounds like a Tyler Perry song Why did you kill me

Mommy Maybe we could use it in Tyler Perry's next movie There's another one, do you want to hear another one? Of course This was more upbeat, it's about smoking that green Okay Let's see how this sounds Oh boy

Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now The world's from the earth, the earth can't hurt Still there's consciousness You know what you're worth

Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now

Heaven now Heaven now The world's from the earth Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now

Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now

Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now Heaven now

Heaven now Heaven now Whyات t'chasse dor'chie pon la left hand side? WhyATION arn't ger- Live yer tra benchmark if yer fieldin high We know whyיפer't fly pray TRUST IT!!!!!!!!!!! 0k voters make spilt'y li' ready

I know why det have to Marie Yes I'm taking sensor So come out of a cave if you know what I mean So pass it around If you know what I mean So see, don't have the greed Oh my god Oh my god

These are just like, they're- You could tell that they're like, Everything's cool bro, kind of people Like, they're nice people Yeah, they're sweet people Sunners are the best They're the sweetest It's not good

They're the sweetest sweetest Like you're not good at this But you're nice people I take a stoner any day Over a drunk or a tweaker 100,000% Or even like a straight edge Like a square

Sunners are the best As much as I like a glass of wine A beer, a drink I'd be cool with never meeting anybody For the rest of my life that was drinking again Yeah, me too They're the worst They're the worst

Well, they can be the worst Like they turn into the worst There's people that are genuinely fun To be around But if you want to talk about the masses It's a disaster When you're entertaining them, definitely Yeah, but even if you're like,

Let's just go out and have a good time the night And you end up- I know Why is this person ruining this for everybody? They ruin everything, drunks They ruin goddamn stuff Sunners don't Will you see the next Tyler Perry with me

The movie with me in the theater? Absolutely not Well, let's go to the Magic Johnson Theater That'll be super funny to see A Tyler Perry movie in a black audience That's true How fucking funny would that be? Yeah

Oh no, don't you go- Like, you know how they love to chatter Yeah, yeah On the screen? That shit would make me laugh So hard, dude You know, I'm- God damn it

That's not what they would say God damn it That was not what they say Jeez Ain't nobody got time for that Yeah Yeah, we- Jeff Tate and I, when I was in Cincinnati

We saw Godzilla And We sat, a black lady was right behind us And she was like And there's one scene where like Whatever the creature is that fights Godzilla Like shoots this slime On these people

And she goes Oh, that's nasty And she was like Oh, that's nasty We enjoyed it so much Because it's a movie we didn't give a shit about If it was a movie, I really was like I'm gonna do this movie and be like

What the fuck, but she was like That's nasty Oh, hell no That's the key If you see a movie that you just You don't have to pay too much attention And you don't mind that stuff That'd be so fun

Yeah, I guess, um I guess A Tyler Perry movie Pretty fun way Oh, I heard that That's a cheating man Like, um You know, I love Oprah's

You leave him, girl Yeah, I love Oprah's, um, masterclass On the own network Oh, yeah And she's had like a million wonderful spiritual leaders And she had T.D. Jakes on Who's like a bishop in the south Yeah, here's a

Bishop T.D. Jakes T.D. Jakes right here And every other, you know, Oprah Like life class or whatever has been pretty tame Like nice white ladies talking about You just gotta You gotta get your power Harness your power

And just get in the arena And T.D. Jakes, his audience Was so awesome Because it was just all black women Unreal And they're like, okay, preach And they're standing up And he couldn't even get through his

Amen He's like, y'all gonna make this church hard And they're like, whooo He's the best That was amazing Even Oprah was like super Oprah totally like made the church Yeah, he's the best

She had to sit down and like I gotta say, I was really I didn't know what to expect But I was totally impressed With T.D. Jakes Oh, he's awesome They're all, they're all She always picks great talk

I know, but I just was like Eh, like what am I I didn't expect to be as captivated As I was by that guy Yeah He was a really, really captivating speaker Yeah, he is, he's a bishop Yeah, he's one of those guys that does like

He does sermons to like thousands of people Everything alright? Did you hear it? No Did it register? Somebody tweeted today Don't get a fart mic Cause I like to try to hear it

It's like a, it's a fun game It's a game, yeah I'm a little nervous about that fart I'm not gonna lie Right now Yeah Meow Meow

But T.D. Jakes, I like where he He talks about haters And he's like You are a giraffe As you had, the giraffe goes for High food The food that the giraffe can have And the turtles are the ones on the floor

Tells that wrong Cause the turtle Is telling you what it can see From its perspective Preach, okay, I know that's right And the turtles are the naysayers No, I hate it This is terrible

That is so awful I hate people that guilt women that have had abortions This is terrible It's so terrible I'm sure you feel bad enough Like, dude, Samantha wants to make a song about it And, ugh, it's just the worst Nobody wants to get an abortion, I'm sure

Like, oh goodie, I get to have an abortion today I'm sure it doesn't work that way Yeah Anyways Yes, Tom Where did you go, my love? Well, I just got a message right now That one of my meetings got canceled today

Oh, that's... It's actually good That's good, that's the one later in the afternoon, right? No, the earlier one But I mean, now we can do the other thing Cool You know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying

You know what I mean? I don't know what you're saying And I don't know what you mean I don't know what you're saying And I don't know what you mean Okay Right, now I don't know what you're saying I don't know what you mean

I'm so excited to do shows in Portland and Seattle I'm so fucking excited I really cannot wait to just perform for mommies and fans Like, I... This has been like the culmination of years of being a comic And being like, this is my dream It is a dream come true I just want 50 people who know who the fuck I am

Yeah Oh, it's so great Yeah We're gonna have a good time I'm stoked, I just got... I didn't even announce because it's too far in advance But I'm doing this crazy, awesome night of one-nighters in November Where I'm doing New Orleans, Houston, and Dallas

Oh, that's awesome That's cool One night in each city That's it That's all I wanted to do That's what you do, bro Yep, you know what I'm saying or no? I know what you're saying

But do you know what I mean? And I don't know what you mean Okay, that's what I thought That's exciting shit We've also... We should talk about... Hold on on Twitter, they just tweeted it and I retweeted it Hold on, hold on

We're doing Fitzgeralds in Houston Oh yeah, in October October 17th That's a live podcast And that'll be neat We've been there before and that's gonna be fun And I am learning how to Crip Walk So hopefully I'll have it down by then

Yeah, you were working on that yesterday What have you been studying with? I mean, I have a private teacher A tutor? Yeah, a teacher, a dance instructor Calculus? Calculus, yeah He comes over, you guys talk a boo

He's like, man, I never had a job in my life And he just teaches me how to Crip Walk Now, this might be a stupid question But Crip Walk originated with the Crips? Yeah, C-Walk, man The gang bangers? Yeah And then...

So, okay And then they... Are you part of the gang now? No, no, I just, you know, I like to dance So I just started practicing I'm gonna have it down You gotta give me time, but I'll have it down Well, I believe you

Yeah I want you to spend hours practicing every day, though But that's what I've been doing with my afternoons Hours Would you spend hours learning how to do this? Yeah, I am It's so funny Will you do it at the cruise that we're going on with your parents in September?

Yeah, I should have it down by then I feel like we need to be planning How we're gonna horrify your family more We've got plenty of time Now's the time to really strategize Make that cruise special Yeah, what should we do? How should we do it? Number one, I definitely think you should be shaving your facial hair

Into upsetting patterns for your sisters They really don't like mustaches Nobody does Nobody wants your mustache So we have to show up with a mustache Or show up to dinner the first night with a mustache Yeah Yeah, no, show up like everything is normal

And then first formal dinner Because they have like a schedule formal I'll shave everything but the mustache I love that And I think too Oh, we should show them our naked pictures Like how Maria sends naked pics of the kid Yeah

We should be like, we took pictures too And then show them nude pictures of us and bathtub Here's my balls in the shower and the bathtub water I'm holding a toy Yeah, neither one I'm glad that you felt the same way I don't like nude child photos No, me neither

I feel like it's really disturbing And it's not that I'm sexualizing the photo It's like, I just don't want to see it Like, you know what I mean? Like, it's not cute to me It's not, it's not necessary Like, it makes me uncomfortable To see their genitals

I don't want to see a kid's genitals Three-year-old vagina and penis I don't want to see it Because then you, you're the weirdo That has that in your phone Yeah Who's this? Us, my nephew, isn't he cute?

He's a little dick Yeah Or like, I understand if it's your kid And you want the picture And you're like, I think it's adorable It's my naked, beautiful baby It's your kid But you don't have to send it out

Like, you get to put shorts And be like, here's the picture Like, you know what I mean? With the shorts on it now Put something on them Yeah, I'm not, you know This generation's super lax about Sending out and making public

Their infant's lives It's just, I don't think it's cool I don't think it's fair to the kid To post, you know, the naked pictures On Facebook or something Yeah Because eventually that kid's Going to be in his 20s

And he's going to want to be Gainfully employed Yeah At some corporation Well, I don't think it would keep From getting employed But I think it's more about having Your personal power of like

Yeah I control my image Yeah, and he, those kids don't ask To be put on the internet It's not fair Yeah, because I can remember Just even seeing photos And videos of myself

That my parents have at home And feeling mortified Yeah That nobody saw it Yeah So I don't think I'd like If they were like We just shared this with the world

Yeah And you have no say in it How do you feel about that Just because we love you so much We're going to fuck up your Sense of personality and self Yeah Well, because I need

I need everyone to see it Like, all right Well All right Thanks, jerk Thanks, jerk face Yeah Jerky McJerk tits

Yeah, I don't agree with it I know that's not a popular Opinion, but Whatever We're just old school I'm from the 70s I was born in the 70s We didn't do that shit

You know I know what you're saying You're a 70s child What are you looking at? Looking at that little What is it called? A kimono? Oh, yeah

I bought this kimono At the mall yesterday One of those like Forever 21 type stores You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take a photo When you're not looking And I'm going to publicize it

I'm going to make the whole world See it Do you like kimono? Yeah Okay Okay Yeah It's nice

It's a polyester blend And it feels nice On your naked skin Yeah It looks like it feels good It sure does Big old Don't do that

Don't think like that I wonder how much bigger My tits are going to get As I get older I feel like they just Get bigger and bigger As I get fatter And fatter, you know

And I'm just going to keep Getting fatter They're going to hang more They're deaf They're already hanging more They're going to go south They're already going south Right, but I mean

Yeah How far south? Take on 20 years What do you think is going to happen? You see that picture of Theo That we have? You think that'll happen? The dog tits?

They'll be the third one down? Yeah Below the waistline? Yes That does... They're all fat They're fat globules That's why I never got it

When women are like I wish I had just a huge one No, you don't A nice handful is all you need Because they'll never sog I never understood when... I mean I feel badly, I should say

And I feel like they don't get it When women with smaller tits Are upset about it I just said that I know, I'm saying that like As a guy, I go There's no need You don't have to do that

You don't need to make them bigger Like, we're so content With just tits Yeah Yeah, I agree I think the amount of stuff Girls do for male approval Is super unnecessary

And the guys that go like No, you need them bigger Those are psycho dudes They really are They're so crazy Yeah, they're that guy That we played on the show The weightlifter

Yeah That was like Tye Hooker Girlfriends, like Those are the douchebags It'll tell you to change Who you are for them Right Total mania

I've met guys that are like Big, fat tits You're out of your fucking mind Why wouldn't you want all natural titties? Big naturals Or small naturals Small naturals Medium naturals

Even those little mosquito bite titties You could still have The best That would be like If dudes got ball implants And you're like I just got to have them bigger And you're like

I was content with your normal size I have no idea Why people are doing this They're bodies What about ding-dongs though? Yeah, but that's I don't know Yeah, see

That's weird But that's weird Because you'll know That it's a big fake ding-dong Yeah And why not just have a ding-dong I think that you can find Somebody that'll be content

With every dong in the world I'm content with every dong in the world I love them all Touch them all Like lick them all Like Jesus Huh?

No, but I mean like If you have a tiny little pecker There's a girl out there That likes it That wants to have that size And if you're just a fucking You got an Alabama black snake in your pants Yeah

And it's just You know, it strangles people Destroys people There's women out there That's the only thing I want Yeah Big fucking forearm Up inside of me

Yeah, I agree We were watching that documentary About that guy with the small peener on Netflix Yeah The whole tongue I think it is Yeah And this sex counselor was like Yeah, but there are women who love anal sex

And they would prefer to have a small peener Yeah, they would In their buttholes Yep A lot of them Which is so true Some women don't even like having a penetrative sex You know

So then maybe that's a perfect fit Yeah Yep And then there's women out there That are just into throating, you know Yeah Stupid They just want that throat juice

Babe Oh, I don't want to hear it Oh my God I'm taking my headphones off for this All right God, it's so gross Why? Why?

She can take a big dick down her throat Okay Angel can Sweet, sweet Okay My dad just texted me a picture of a small dog In a dog bed I'm like, is this...

Did my dad get a new dog? How long will that one last, you think? A few months He's like, the thing is It's always there, you know Man, that was... That was... Yeah

Yeah, it's just... This dog follows me around all the time Like, that's what dogs... They love to follow you Because they love you Yeah Ah, I gotta feed it I remember we got Theo

Ah, dogs are so much work So much You gotta take it out You gotta feed it You got to take it to the vet I'm like, yeah, but that's not every day Not the vet thing You know how hard it is to feed a dog?

You scoop some kibble into a bowl And then you change the water In the bowl And then... Open the door Dog walks out and takes a shit That's the big drama Why was my father so hassled by everything?

Like, the... Just the tiniest amount of responsibility Was just overwhelming to him He just doesn't like that dogs can, you know Take it to another level And dogs were across the boat And as soon as they saw me They came bounding over

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Maybe that's what he's afraid of Okay, good, it's not his dog It's his girlfriend's Lady friend's That's good, okay She got your dog? Yeah

Well thank goodness Because he's not equipped He does not want to care for a living Hasn't she been talking about getting a dog for a while? Yeah He was not approving? Yeah, I think he sees it as his burden Like, well fine

No, I gotta walk the dog I gotta take the dog out to shit I won't take the fucking dog out Like, I think my dad Like, when we had a dog growing up The dog just lived in the back yard And just shit everywhere And like, drank out of the pool

And... He was like, it's great That's how dogs live Dog is outside Dog is, you know, an alarm system for a house This is where the dog is Alright And then my stepmother came in the picture

When I was 12 or 13 And she was like, um... Maybe the dog could sleep indoors And he was like, what? Maybe we could give the dog a bath inside Instead of with the hose Outdoors Oh my god

And so she started treating Elvis That was our dog's name Like a nice domesticated dog Yeah Saved his life Saved his life I didn't know any different either I thought dogs were supposed to be

You know, like that That's what I saw growing up Oh my god So she kind of taught us how to treat a dog I'm surprised you don't Hit our dog Jesus No

I would never He's so tiny So Your Elvis lives hard core for a while Hard fucking core Hard fucking core Yeah, he was That's hard living, dude

And he slept outside in a dog house Like it would rain I remember And my dad was like, oh, just give him a dog house And Elvis slept in a dog house in the rain It's so sad Terrible Jesus

So weird Let's see that picture Super cute It's a little Maltese A little cute little white shit Fucking Oh, he loves white dogs Little white dogs

It's my dad's favorite type Cute little white fluffers That is cute It's a cute little face Oh my god, it's tiny Yeah, I feel one poundier Wow Wow

That's really cute Tiny We'll see if he gets to sleep indoors Yeah No, this is inside This is no good All right, dogs gotta go out Take a shit

I gotta take a shit Yeah, take a piss Gotta pee first before you shit Yes I love you I love you too I love you, mommies I can't wait to see you this weekend

I can't wait to hang out with you guys Yeah, it'll be fun Talk some shit We'll talk some shit Thanks for listening Please visit your MomsHousePodcast.com Bye, guys Bye, meows

You don't say it, you don't say it Honestly You don't say it, Mike You don't say it Like it's normal Like it's normal My mom loves it It doesn't mean my ass

You don't say it, you don't say it Fly it Fly that same French excellence You don't say it, Mike What's the mayor of, you know what I'm saying? He wants to be the mayor I feel good You don't say it

Like it's normal You don't say it, you don't say it You don't say it, Mike You don't say it Like it's normal Like it's normal Like it's normal Do you want to understand that?