Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 229-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: June 11, 2014

The battle continues! What's the worst song we've ever heard? YOU GET TO DECIDE. Could it be about Ames, Iowa? Maybe. West Saint Paul? Possibly. Chinese Food? Hey, what's happening here? Luckily for you, it's all terrible.  Horses are NOT WELCOME in the Mommy Dome. Get your glue machine out of our faces. Smelly, demon dwellers.  Vietnamese seems like a difficult language. Now try it with a gun to your head. We make it easy!!! Plus we have to navigate how to say a very, um, difficult name to pronounce. 

Say your rhyme again 1, 2, 3, 17 pairs of jeans, but like it You didn't just do that Stop the music pull the mic down your ass and then fart people have been asking for it Actually, they have that's the weird part people have been demanding a fart mic We actually got somebody that said please don't get one I like to try and hear them Um before we start anything huge. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you to Portland and to Seattle for coming out for my shows I had the most fun. I have ever had doing stand-up comedy and I want to thank you guys so much It really means the world to me

I know you didn't have more fun than I had in bray of this whatever I had a blast. Did you have a brass? Bro, we had a fucking blast Well, I just want you guys to know this is the beginning of a whole new movement a whole new bell movement and to keep the movement going Toronto Toronto July 12th Tommy aka the co-main mommy And I are coming to Toronto to do a super show. We are doing stand-up and the podcast all together one night july 12th

2014 get your tickets on your mom's house podcast.com Or in christina comedy or tomsugara.com. Yeah, and actually leading up to that. I'm doing a couple dates in the the great state of ontario in canada, so if you are Not near Toronto But you are in london ontario. I'll be doing the fox and fiddle on july 9th And I'll be in hamilton ontario at absinthe on july 10th. Ooh, that sounds

Dangerous. Yeah, and then two days later me and the god are at What's the name of that venue? It's a something theater here. I can I'll look at that. Why don't you keep going and all? Oh, here. No, I just pulled it up. Sorry Toronto ontario High on trees this summer only All right, where is it? Oh, here we go big picture cinema. Yeah big picture cinema. That's july 12th 1035 gerard street All right, um a couple other dates. I got I added a bunch of dates. So please check out tomsugara.com San Jose this week Thursday friday saturday sunday

I got denim on denim jeff tape with me hot dogs and gatorade for life and then Two weeks from now helium in buffalo new york at helium comedy club I am going in july to the hartford funny bone christine and I are together in ontario california And then I will be a I have a stacked august sacramento followed by pittsburgh Columbus and then denver We added a special show in fort lauderdale in september

It's it's bananas and I am touring the south one night only in new orleans houston and dallas in november It's all there tomsugara.com. Check out your mom's house podcast.com and the jeans machine Is that christina comedy.com? Also, uh, my summer here's what it looks like just to give you you can plan July 3rd through 6th. I'm at the brea improv And july 12th we go to trunel july 24 through 27th with tommy in ontario the improv and here ontario california And then august 9th. I will be doing two shows the ice house the small side room 730 and 930

Very intimate shows It's going to be exciting august 14 through 17th rooster tea feathers in sunny val california Oh That's for rooster tea feathers telling you i'm not even bullshitting get ready for your brea week I can't wait stupid So good stupid like that fart. Yeah, I mean, um, I I really do mean from the bottom of my heart Thank you to all the folks that came out to see shows in brea. It was so fucking fun I saw the pictures of some of the mommies. I love mommy pick when people wear denim. Oh that that sister's with denim

That's that trio Special shout out to the the girl who made me my affirmation shirt They have I can see backwards in the mirror. It's amazing sisters with denim have that new That new song these jeans don't even fit no more So dumb Anyways, um guys. Thank you for supporting our show if you're going to be shopping on amazon I suggest you do it through our banner on the home page a lot of you ask us. How do I get there? Well, go to your mom's house podcast.com scroll to the bottom of the home page

There you will see an amazon banner click on it and then do your shopping as you normally would It's like this invisible magical code That tells amazon that you came through our website. That's how that stuff. That's not complicated It's magic elves do it magical nerds program it. I hear you Um, yeah, so we appreciate you shopping through there quickly. Yeah, go ahead. Sorry Well, I was just going to suggest if you got father's day coming up You should shop on amazon get your dad a squatty potty get your dad some golf clubs some enemas Some dynamite whatever your dad likes whatever your dad's into my dad

Do you know that he blew up a bridge when he was like 11 or 12 years old? Do you know that? No with a stick of dynamite. Are you serious? Where I gotta get him that I gotta get him to tell the story. It's terrible. I'll call him tomorrow Maybe we can have it for friday. That'd be cool Um, all right. So really quickly Mom Mom and your mom will be like That's how your mom is

Do we even I mean we have so much show it's like I I can't even tell you for some reason Just the wonderful amounts of material been pouring in and it's it's so good These people have no fucking idea what they're about to hear. I know and by the way I love for the next time. I don't know what the next time is going to be But we had such a blast doing personal podcast Oh, so good. That was so fun for the personal podcast people bid on it And then we emailed with them to find out more about them and then we made We were supposed to make 10 minute episodes, but we made like 15 minute episodes

For specific people and that was really so silly. Yeah, we should offer that again. That was yeah All right, um, here we go. You ready to start the show jeans do it put your jean pants on Hello facebook social media If I knew how to convert this gas in my stomach into gasoline I could cut the prices at the pump by 50 Pray for me Who is randy don't bring anyone loving to this Yo mama the fuck is there?

Welcome Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura talk Christina Pajitsi Welcome to your mom's house Yeah Manja, manja, manja monano You really went all out on that opening. You ripped it. You shredded that but I played you see I played asleep for a moment

I'm sorry. You didn't see me at playing that I was out. What do you mean? I went like I was like this. You didn't look And then I just grabbed my drumstick to jump into I pretended I was asleep You planned it. No, that was just you know, I'm just a great improviser. Yeah. Yeah Well jeans I'm glad you're here today. We did a lot. We did a fun thing. We've been working on a tv show together We have that's a lot of fun. We're not supposed to talk about it probably but it's going to come out soon Yeah, we signed an unfull of modender to the agreements But we're doing it together, which is super special and you know, it's funny. We're we're driving

Today we drove past some horses like get us some a quest equestrian thinner And it's how when I both were like I fucking hate horses. I hate horses, man. Don't they suck? I don't like fucking horses. I don't either. They're so smelly. Yeah being around them. They stink I Told you I don't even like to watch them run. You're like, uh, actually that's the pretty part That's the only good part about horses. They they're pretty when they run But I hate when they run. I hate I hate how they smell I hate when you have to they're like feed the horse to apple

And then his dirty fucking mouth touches your hand their teeth are always green It's a mystic beast. It shouldn't be approached. We shouldn't be around them You know, they should be out fighting dragons. We have no business with horses We do have no business with horses trying to jump on them. They're wild Make them our prehistoric cars. They should just be in the desert doing their thing Is our horses come from? Horses come from Morocco And they just run and then some jag off was like I could

Ride this thing. I want to tame that beautiful creature. God. They're enormous powerful creatures, too They're just meant to kill with those hind legs That they can kick through your chest Kick you so fucking hard I've been thrown off a horse once as a child. Really? Yeah, I didn't tell you this so I had this no your video. I wish I had this asshole asshole rich friend She had two horses at her house. You know how that is And she's like get on get on my horse. Just just ride it. No saddle. I'd never ridden a horse

And so I stupidly as a child got on it And of course she started she hit it. She spat she smacked its butt and it took off running I flew off of it. It stepped on me And I forever have hated horses since oh, so you have a good story Well, plus they're just stupid already. I don't I don't like the way they smell like poo all the time. Yep Yep, and then and I lived in west hills growing up and our house bordered a ranch with smelly smelly horses And in the summertime all that poo poo got cooked And that's all you smelled was horseshit cooking. I got a uh, what is it?

Pylondial sinus It's like a cyst that hairy fat people get At the top of their ass cracks. Oh, yeah, I got one of those after a horseback riding uh when I was Like 17 or 18 You got from one time riding Well, it was that the rubbing Created like an ingrown hair in my ass crack. Oh, right at the top of it, too I don't know why people like it so much some people my friend shawnee loves horses

She loves to clean up the poo poo and smell the poo poo. I don't like the smell at all Some people love it. They just love horses shawnee likes horses always shawna loves horses since we were kids loves horses Why don't you fucking mail her one? I Should be so mad when she hears this she's probably seething right now listening to this how much we hate horses Yeah, yeah, I'm feeling a lot of people hate horses. They're just not they're afraid to come out with it I mean a horse is just a shaved bear. You know the same thing. It's the same fucking animal They both like salmon. They both

Love alaska. They swim they're hunters and killers. They can run fast They will climb up a tree to get you. Well, they love the taste of human flesh, too. Absolutely Remember, yeah, there's always stories about horses that eat people. I hate the west like the wild west I hate ranches and I hate Well, you know, I mean, uh, like, you know what I really hate more than anything horse movies Movies for horses me too. That's why I think that's why I hate westerns so much. There's so many fucking horses in them Yeah, I didn't even like that movie black beauty growing up. I know that was the big movie And I was really really little

I didn't give a fuck about that dumb horse. I liked seabiscuit except for the horse scenes Because I don't like any of the horse scenes. Do you want to know something? I hate horses so much. I don't even see that dumb movie. Yeah I think what's that fucking asshole the Sundance guy redford robert redford? He he has some like horse whispering movie where he's like, uh, I can I can I can Blow air into a horse's dick and then I can control it or whatever he does and like And he never overreacts the whole thing is that he stays calm like yeah

And he throws like a rope around the horse and they're like It's like you're a horse and it's like all your I pray for And something like that is that the horse kicks the guy, you know, I I can't stand him I can't stand the horses in that. I don't like any of that shit. None of that regional Horsey story stuff. I don't like that. I don't like southwestern cuisine I don't like southwestern designs and styles. I like denim shirts But when they have the tie that's the bolo tie the bolo tie. Yeah, I like that And I like what's the like the pattern that you see a lot like the background like a

Like in the dream catchers dream catchers. I like a rug like that on the wall Like Aztec looking. I like that too. I'm if we ever buy a house, I would like to do it all southwestern That whole southwestern motif. Yeah. Yeah, it's real nice Very Native American influence TPs in the home. I like that. I also enjoy dolphins Give me a nice dolphin statue. Yeah Um, I think they're just they class up to join a lot when you got dolphin statues. I hear you let people know

You're a classy person with dolphin things I like it a lot But I like a lot, you know, there's a lot of places we don't like but you know where I would like to consider us Maybe checking out Um, I don't know You tell me what you think Hey It's beautiful and autumn late December brings no

Ames is a safe place the crime rate is low. We've got green schools. The students go high We go for number one and not just to get by inside the bronze. We think that's great Over 357 schools in the state. If you visit here, you won't want to go home. Join us with a hurry Cyclones The power of motherhood We mentioned That we were desperate to get this back And somebody found it for us amazing

We'll provide the link At our site your mom's house podcast.com this song and video Got so much hatred That it was it was designed it was made produced directed shot and starring all iowa state university people They removed it themselves But the internet Because it went viral. Oh, yeah, it was viral with this is the biggest piece of shit Kind of like let's get social went viral. Yeah, but in the way they didn't intend to it to go

Didn't they didn't mean um, this is called hooray for aims And they're just trying to get you to come to aims iowa spring is mild and the flowers shine Let's hear a hooray for the warm summertime Affordable living why go to la number nine best city in the usa Well, let's stop there for a second pal The number nine best city in the usa Whatever lists is aims according to who affordable living why go to la well because then you're not in fucking aims Is is there even an airport in aims iowa or do you have to take a ferry?

Do you think it's Surrounded by water. There's no way to get to aims iowa that i there's no airport. You could ride a dumb fucking horse That i hate how awful that they have to write a song to sell you on it, huh? Uh, we got we have all the weather all the seasons and the crime rate is low and we're number nine On the list of the grade no, they're not no, they're not CNN money made a list And said it was a ninth best city. Oh, that's that's that's a lie. It's a dog. Shit lie. How's the beach you guys have a nice beach there? How's the racial diversity in aims?

There's two black people so far in the video My guess is that they're the two black people that live in aims me too I was so sad. Oh my god. You don't like iowa. Is it your favorite band from there? Slipknot? Absolutely Yeah For some reason the week that I was in iowa was the most depressing week of my life. It was great day Yes, I would say and I drove through the entire state with chewy bravo and dove david off in a van And I saw every fucking inch of that state

And it was just ominous windmills and gray and guys on bicycles Writing to the liquor store to get 40s You know, yeah Seems nice. What other selling points are there for aims iowa? Funny that you ask Is the cleanest around clean water that's another selling point Okay They're in a car And the band is in the car with the instruments singing the song

Yeah And they showcase the only black person again and they Pointed out that she's a professor and it says that she's from brooklyn So it's like hey look a big city lady moved here. Oh, so that's the selling point now Is she gonna rap in this song? Give me a minute. She's the black person. They rap. I'm assuming a rap is coming up When they say hooray they pump their fist now So they're kinder people four seasons You got four seasons the cool water is clean. Yep crimes low crimes low

Gooder educations. Gooder than a bitch. Yeah number nine city. Well, they're really we should move aims Well, it's not the end of the fucking song There's more Hey 36 recreation areas to play So there's a lot of places you can play recreation areas that sounds like pre-ordained fun Yeah, it sure does gymnasiums or what is this like patches of sand for kids to dig in it's thursday. We're having sex That kind of person sounds like a lot of pre prescribed fun happening in the city of aims, which means well

Can I ask you? I mean if you're not into that if that is not what you're looking for What about Come on over to west st paul summer spring winter fall. We've got it all In west st paul I kind of like this though get your permit at city hall and build a new retaining wall in west st paul In west st paul, okay, you'll find west st paul near the former Dakota village of coposia Of coposia West st paul is south of downtown st paul. So don't let that throw you

In the parking lot of signal hills mall revel in the urban sprawl of west st paul It's a much better song. It is the video is much lower Production value and at a glance is far worse. Yeah, but is much better. Does that make sense? Yes, something crappy can still be good Of west st paul. I like her voice. It's pretty and you can complete your errands here Now that's a song She does dance in it like a weird dance that I think she's Doing on purpose. You know what these minnesotans have a great sense of humor. Yeah, they're the best

Yeah, I actually I kind of like if I could tolerate snow. I might I might be able to tolerate minnesota. They're nice. They're nice. It's beautiful And they are readers lakes. They're smart. They're liberal. Yep. Yeah, not a bad state Oh, wow, that's so funny that people We used to we had one song about la in the 80s that I love Remember that we love it. We love it. Yep. Yep. Just in the 80s one song No one loves la low-cost living while I moved to la. I don't fucking stab that guy in the throat Like that's the only thing to consider you dick aims. I Doesn't cost so much here in words of

My favorite is it only takes 20 minutes to get to work. What are you talking about? You don't know you don't know me You don't know my job. You don't know where the fuck I'll work. Okay. Okay I like how she's like you can build a retaining wall In minnesota. Yeah, you can get a permit for it That's incentive to move. Yep. It's pretty uh pretty fantastic Um, all right, so just a little more more of aims and we got a lot more. I love aims. I know what it's amazing That's this they're going back to water. Wait, so they've run out of reasons already

Without any war. So come along with me and give aims a try Without any wars. I think he said there's never been war in aims. No shit I Yeah, they just showed a couple and it says Matt and fell in love and aims. No shit. What else are you going to do there? Hey, uh drinking screw. Yeah, like everyone else You can get drunk. Yeah, just that's not we're trying to make it a vegas place now. It's not vegas in the aims You could put the picture of me with a park bench and said Matt and fell in love and aims And I would be like kissing the bench

And if you're just passing through or you're here to stay Intelligent people with kinder ways Let's tear it for the city of Seasons to enjoy everybody say Let's tear it for the city of This is the part you play Give me a second Why are they selling it so hard? I don't know

I love it when aids Yeah, I don't know Like I mean, it's just like it's not catchy. I want a catchy song. I gotta tell you No, not this again I just got over this fucking song That is a good song Man this this absolutely Kill me mommy. Oh my god. I can't

When god made me special for you. Oh my god. This is depressing I really Wanted to see And put my little arms Around you This kid's really weird creepy. I'm glad he didn't make it Why Did you care if

These kids are crying This kid's got he's guilt tripping mom a little piece of shit I thought you really cared For me. Oh, he's crying. Oh, what an asshole And I wonder What I would have grown up Oh A good song what a bummer. Why would you do that to me?

That's a horrifying, you know, we got so much listener email about that by the way People were really taken with that people were like I had to pull over and wipe the tears from my eyes crying on that one I'm like, what kind of sick people like this? They were laughing. Yeah You and five other sickos five Okay, a lot more than that. There was there was hilarious. How do you not find that funny? Oh my god, it's troubling. It's outrageous. It's troubling Why did you Be all right fine. We'll make it uplifting for you

Oh I'm bearable. Usually when you're too busy having fun, you don't sit down to write a song about it. That's really crazy Hooray Let's hear it from the city of Aames What jeans nothing, uh Any hoodles can I tell you I had the best time in portland and seattle? Uh-huh, however I had a plane ride from portland to seattle I took a plane because I didn't want to fucking drive and on that flight

behind me Sat to vietnamese folks. Yeah And I gotta tell you there's a reason they don't write They don't write poetry in vietnamese Really, it's it's really not a romance language. It's there's a reason shakespeare didn't write in vietnamese because it was like Fucking awful like and no disrespect to some to the actual vietnamese the people of vietnam But your language it just doesn't I don't I don't know what the hell it sounds like But it doesn't even sound like a language like behind me. They're like

And you're like what the fuck are you saying sounds accurate Are you mocking them felt like you're mocking them? Yes. Yes Well, do you speak vietnamese? Can you do it perfectly? Um, no, but I also didn't volunteer to do it perfectly It's so incredibly disrespectful what you're doing right now And it's it's getting worse it's actually getting worse as you continue language Who god damn, I mean, I was ready to fucking put a gun to my head. Wow I have a note. I surely heard my voice in the conversation For nearly three years now

For you know, that's unreal. I would rather listen to her talk. I mean and it was just a volume I think it was more like they're allowed. It was it's not a whisper language Dude, no vietnamese it apparently has two volumes. No volume and And you're like, oh my god Welcome to vietnamese part 101 that comes that would help you a bit What the fastest easiest and most fun way to learn vietnamese Maybe you got to get english down first before you teach I don't know if she's speaking english in this. Was that english? That was supposed to be

You're not meeting me Nice to meet you. We're going to learn basic vietnamese expressions. Oh, it's super easy and it only takes three minutes Super easy. I think it might take longer to lock it down In this lesson, you're going to learn how to introduce yourself in vietnamese. Oh, shit There are only two sentences you need to remember Okay, here we go. You will first learn a neutral way to introduce yourself Which sounds okay in both formal and informal situations Informer let's first see how vietnamese people what?

Informer situations. Yeah, if you're an informer like if you're working with If you're working with like let's say a detective of a narcotics officer and in aims You're an informer than you start the like this. Generally introduce themselves. Okay, detective That's the fucking intro That's so much I thought it was the first thing I thought it was Hi, i'm zang. Nice to meet you again There's a reason vietnamese is not a universal language. Holy christ. This is terrible by saying

Oh for fuck's sake. I'm already lost, bitch. This is fucking killing me. Dude. She's gotta take it slower for us Let's break this now and see what it means And it is used in both formal and informal situations This one also be used at any time of the day No, it's a good morning. Good afternoon and good evening. Do exist. Okay What was that other stuff you uh, oh, I heard there. What was that? That's from deer hunter That's probably the most famous scene the russian roulette scene now That's all I hear when I heard those vietnamese people talking. It was now that deer hunter. Yeah

Now I think we're about to do Good morning. Good evening and good night. Something tells me there's way more words to say that This doesn't even sound like words. Look, look, I can say in chinese. My name is christina. Okay ready? Yeah What that means is here christina and I that took me 10 years to learn What that means is here, but this this is like Again, it feels It feels kind of critical when you when you do it like that Doesn't feel positive

I'm not being critical tom. I'm trying to learn and I feel like she needs to slow it down for me And I'm frustrated. It's an easy language to learn. Yeah, all you have to do is listen to the way I talk And I'm gonna say good night. Good morning. Good evening. I think Oh no I mean people don't normally use them in their daily conversation. Oh, really? So you have to remember only two words. Okay. Xin chào. Xin chào. Is it inconvenient? That's how when I meet people introduce themselves Toi la is similar to I am and you simply need to add your name to this

Now there's a more formal way to introduce your name in vietnamese Which I'll mention later using toi la plus your name It's neutral and sounds okay in any circumstances Toi la Zhang really easy, right? Yeah. Doi la time. Now. Let's look at the last sentence That boy do you love going way back? That boy means I'm very happy And do you love going way back means to get to know you and this is a fucking ridiculous I know that's what I'm saying. I couldn't even I don't understand how they understand each other

Let's see if we can get the next one. This paper is fucking butter. Oh, no Hmm How the fuck do they understand each other? It doesn't even sound like they grow up with it I think is the part you're not thinking about How do they understand each other? They didn't just land there. This is how they talk Oh my god, that's what I hear when I hear the language. It's not my fault I'm gonna offend our vietnamese audience. They're there in vietnam You don't think that people listen to their vietnamese

Well, no, but america, you know america vietnamese problem Oh boy, oh man You know what i'm saying What if she opened with that, you know, i'm saying, you know, i'm saying I'm like, you know, i'm saying No, you want to say if you want to walk into a room and say I've never had a job in my life until I started working for chug, you know what i'm saying And I've been in and out of jail. You know what i'm saying

I'm like, you know, i'm saying, you know, i'm saying I ain't never had a job before in my life until I started working for chug You know in and out of jail, you know what i'm saying did a little bit everything, you know what i'm saying now You know what i'm saying You know what i'm saying or to get acquainted with you Vietnamese people usually look forward to a closer relationship in the future So they tend to say i'm happy to get to know you rather than just i'm happy to meet you

so again I'm very happy to get to know you What the fuck? You know what? It sounds so hard It's easy. She said that She said it's easy to learn how to Go and stream it It's easy to learn how to

She said it's easy to learn It's easy to learn how to speak Vietnamese. I'm gonna take you through step by step I think my theory is that the vietnamese are the southerners Of asia because their language is all kinds of crazy. I feel like I feel like the japanese I can see it like kanji, you know, you can Chinese I even feel like I I can I understand chinese fluently, you know, I speak it fluently. Yeah. Yeah, korean korean I've been to korea. I fucking I understand not korea korea. I've been to korea Uh, bebe and bop. I eat that. I like they're soju

but this vietnamese language is It's so it's it's like alien. It's like martian's talking. It's a lot of confusion You don't really get it now Speaking of the asian world Do you like Chinese food Uh, yeah, of course. Do you I love chinese food. Everybody likes chinese food. What do you think's the best time to get chinese food? huh

Like late night, maybe yeah done clubbing or something after the club had a few drinks. You're just like You fill up before I call it a night. You know what that's a good song. You should write that down as a song You know what? I think it's already done. No On the street and I'm getting getting getting getting getting grumpy grumpy I want to go to aims I like aims More than this song. It's fucking this is unbelievable. It gets better. Just listen I love chinese food

What the fuck is going on, you know what's going on this generation is doomed this generation is Officially doomed. This is the dumbest shit I I can't this is a girl some girl wrote this dumb song. It's got like 15 million views on on youtube. She's like 12 Yeah, why is she clubbing? Exactly. She's like when you leave the club I'm walking around I'm grumpy I want to eat now because I don't have parents. This is like that rebecca black friday song and then now she writes saturday This is the absolute this is it. We're doomed. This is the future of america these fucking borderline retarded kids Singing about nothing. I think retarded kids actually make better music than this song. Absolutely

Everywhere I go everywhere I go everywhere I go Not bad Actually And those are those are retard full retards. Well, it's the kids of whitney high who they actually put out They're a band and they put out albums. They're in the movie the ringer like they're a well known group of you know Mentally challenged. Let's go back and forth Yeah, I right now kids of whitney high over over chinese food chinese food song by non retarded easy At the mall

On the bus Give me a yeah Another yeah I mean it's retarded, but I mean it's not like it's simple. I should say It's simple, but oddly more complex than this chick song about I love you I'm actually bobbing my head to pretty girls. It's a good song It's

Oh Yeah, such a pile of shit everywhere I go everywhere I go at the park At my school In my dream Give me a yeah I I'll tell you what the kids of whitney high Have more chutzpah. They're their songs are more complicated musically than the I love chinese food song. She listed menu items

She's like how do I write this song like what look at all the stuff on the menu. Yeah, hi broccoli I have wonton soup by like spring rolls And she goes it tastes so so so so so good Like a retarded kid writes a better song Than this girl. I think I would take pretty girls over this one too All three have harays in them We don't like the gays Wow, I mean

This is a sad sight Seriously today's generation their songs are worse than the kids of whitney high. How is this possible? Oh I mean, yeah, this should have been a kids of whitney high song they could have done a much better. Oh, I like this one This is the insect song, right? Yep. Oh, I love this one. It's kind of creepy. They had a rap by the way Chinese one has a rap in it too. Oh christ. I use chopsticks It's always the mark of death instead of dick tits Or the insects will get you remember this song?

I like this one It's a deadly fall In the water I mean, it's not It's not the best song. Yeah, but the chorus is more complicated than I like chinese food. That's true It's music. This is andre 3000 compared to I love chinese food. Yeah Remember when we played this for your dad God

This was the best thing I I think you gave me you burned this for me on uh cd Yeah, and so what I did we got home and he always listens to like motown and like that's it He did he recently in the last year's got into Beyonce and stuff like he likes It's just motown like, you know updated So I took out his cd we got in the car and I put in the kids of whitney high And it was like three or four songs. I just saw him like look at it a couple times. He doesn't say it Like look at the stereo in the car And then um, I he would he would turn it down like he would

He's kind of reach over turn the volume down and I would I would turn it up It was so hard to not say and then I go, uh, what do you think of this? He was like, it's terrible. Really terrible. Like these guys aren't good at all What is this? These guys aren't good at all. It made me laugh so hard to see his Disappointment in the music of course Well, you know, you know, I like the kids of whitney high I don't listen to it all the time. We should do it again because he doesn't remember anything. Yeah, she'd do it again

Yeah, we'll play insects and pretty girls That's kind of bad. Do you like these guys? I can get you Take us to a show Um, so another funny thing happened to me. I didn't even tell you this yet. It's at starbucks at bar stocks I went in there and um Here let me write down this girl's name And just tell me what you think It sounds like

Okay, this is real This is real. This is somebody's name tag At starbucks at bar stocks Wow True story, really true story true story and I want to take a photograph But I couldn't what city was this in seattle or seattle airport c-tac coming back. Wow. Was she vietnamese? I don't remember her ethnicity. You don't remember if she was asian. I'm sure she was actually. Yeah, she's asian

Well, why don't you spell it out now? Okay, so guys get get your paper and your pen Um, so it was capital m y Okay, and then hyphen hyphen capital n g a big words My nga. Yeah, man. Yeah My

Wow, yeah, that's real. Yeah. Mm-hmm. That's how you think you say it my nga Um, I would just you know what I would go for is getting it wrong. That's what I would do I would try to get it wrong. I wouldn't try to get it right Hey, excuse me My I just go with the first my my my let's call me my my like Real talk you think that you would Kind of know that that's inappropriate in america Uh, maybe that but that's her name

You know Whatever muck luck town she's from that's her name. Okay. Whoa. Whoa. Wait a minute Now who's hateful? No one's being hateful. I'm just being honest. That's not cool. Tom. Yeah, I'm just telling you the truth That's exactly It's how to say her name. You just say that you say the name the way you say captain Some king wong We too low Ho li fuk and bang ding alf

You got to know this stuff some white person's got to pull her aside right some americans got to be like, hey, dude You should really consider changing your name to I don't know alice or susan or barbra Yeah, some american variant Yeah, but what if uh, my nya is just you know, it's not my nya What do you think it is? I don't know, but it's not how would you have said it? It's it's something else. Well, I threw out there what I thought Why don't you throw out there what you think it is? I think you know what it says. I think you're better at saying it my hyphen nga. What is it? I don't know. It's not my nya

well, I mean You have the floor You do it. I've say this word so much on this podcast No, yeah, I'm the paladin of this podcast Of this podcast. Yeah, you are yeah You say it my nya no

my nya I I don't know I don't know how to say it You say it I'm not saying it Why I'm not saying it anymore because people make songs about it And I get punished for it. Everybody fucking throws it in my face when I say it. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not going to be Your n-word whipping boy anymore. All right, you hear me That that's it He said it. Yeah, he said her name at starbucks

You know what I just saw when I was going through this no Um this just remind me this because we were doing bit in a maze for hamburger hill I've become very numb I hated the gooks Um, I wanted to kill as many as I could Oh my god Yeah, um, I hated them Oh, well ask your dad. Jeez

Do you think your dad's seen dear hunter? Yes Definitely do you think you had to play russian roulette with his friend? No, I don't think he would have done that Yeah Anyways, I was thinking a lot about our biggie smalls debate. Whoa, so much more came in on that by the way Jesus a lot of vitriol directed at me About this biggie debate. I can't believe it

Mm-hmm um But you know what I was thinking tom is that is as As poor as your taste is in music and what the fuck as ridiculous as you are Choosing biggie small so as like two songs over david bowie Okay, a legend. Um I started to think no, I started to think I started to put myself in your retarded shoes And I thought to myself is there a band I would rather see than david bowie play

And the answer I came up with You know what I might want to see the pixies might I might want to see the pixies at the top of your Might with kim deal at the top of your shit list Would be the pixies you would choose them over everybody pixies and then modest mouse. Yeah, and then david bowie Hmm, but biggie versus bowie bowie all the way. It's so dumb Immuted your mic Well, you're saying stupid shit, you know cool You sound like tom like us when you laugh

Here you go uh emails I'm a fan of the Beatles, but tommy b is super correct on this one. By the way, according to christina The hook of this one sums up the entirety of biggie's lyrics. I don't know what that is um The hook of this one. Is that a song called this one? Is it there's a link? Oh biggie biggie biggie. Can't you see? I know that song. Um this person here. I'll eat check your wigs

That's all right guys Money money money pussy money So, you know, I love actually when you say more because you look so much more dumb every time you speak Like I give a rip. Okay. You think I care about this fucking debate. It's not a real debate guys It's a hundred percent real debate Really? Yes, so silly that you're it's all big every email here biggie biggie biggie. Yeah. Well, that's because all these dudes They're all oh tom screw over best friends. I love you

Get out of here. They all just you know one side with you because all you toms and main mommy Yeah, of course, they know that bro They know that Bowie fucking blow my brains out. You don't even know David Bowie like I know David Bowie Do you do you have hunky dory? Nope low. It's a good album. You have three in you Two in me three What does that mean? You should be proud of yourself

How many penises could you take in your butthole? Let's go No That's how much no, I'm sorry. How many penises could you take in your butthole? Your ass was way bigger than mine. No, first of all, you've had a lot more in your ass Never. Yes, you have. I've never had a peanut in my butthole. You've had some of these in there your digits Yep, how many fingers have you put in my butt at once three? That's not true. It's a hundred percent true. That's such a dumb lie It's not a dumb lie. You can't fit three fingers in my bum cakes. Never. I've done it many times

many times That's such a dumb lie. And I gotta tell you there's zero resistance It's just like putting it in your open mouth loose stools Did you hear that fart at the beginning? Yeah, I did. Thanks. Do you have any more? No It's funny. I was thinking the other day how I missed the old days when we used to just hand hold our mics And then you would put them to your butthole when you farted a lot on this show before we got these fancy Carriers. I took work to get that recorded. I really worked hard at that I had to drop the volume down. I had to stand up. I had to move this stand. It was not easy

Yeah, I do a lot for our listeners. Yeah, do you have any more farts? Not right now. I mean I look for me It's like inspiration. You don't just like pull it out. You got to let it come to you Oh, I'm inspired. Oh, I'm inspired. You have the grossest Burps and the grossest farts. I was thinking about it like your burps don't sound like anybody Else's I know. Okay. Well, there was this one girl in high school kiffony and she could really rip them like you Okay, they sound like they're from deep within like your rips come from They're like soul burps You know, okay, what's the secret to a good burp? I don't know. I mean all I hear is like disrespect disrespect

Disrespecting you asked me to have a conversation after that I just Most people are a lot more respectful disrespect. I'm giving you mad respect. What are you talking about? I'm just complimenting you and your burps and your farts and you're telling me that the how's that disrespectful to you No, I just feel like, you know, you should take bowie and put them up your asshole Shit them out later because that's what I think of them. I would mute your mic right now I'm not fucking fart and shit all over your head. I'm gonna take a shit on your fucking head tonight You know what I hope I hope theo shits on your fucking dumb head

Social media excused my appearance, but I was sitting and someone came up to me a moment ago and said See You're just too churchy. Do you know what I said? I said, thank you Huh, because if you see Christ in my life, that's all I want you to see how I live my life So God can be pleased hallelujah. Thank you Jesus. Oh, hallelujah Get off me Jesus. Get off of me. Oh, get off me Jesus come back in a few minutes. I gotta get out of this car hallelujah It's auntie fifi She's really feeling it this summer in texas

She we opened the should we even talk about her opening clip. I know That was auntie fifi Talking about she could cut our gas prices if she could convert her farts into gasoline I feel like she's been listening to our show a lot since she came on here. You think so That's probably where she got the inspiration from to do that one. Yeah They could take all your farts. We could probably Give everybody gasoline in america with your dumb farts I feel like if they could take your farts, we could wake everybody up in the world

You know, nobody would need an alarm clock or iPhones with alarms. They could just be like, here's christina. Everybody wake up I wish I could shove a fudge sickle up your butt and make it melt Yeah, I wish I could actually take some of your poo and melt it into a popsicle and then you eat the poo sickle I wish you I wish I could get a couple of friends over here and we could do a triple anal on you Which friends Uh, I don't know the whatever you can pick them which friends tom you pick. It's your choice. Um bruce bruce Bruce bruce. Is he alive still? Of course the hell are you talking about? Oh, okay?

He's a big guy. I don't know if he's still alive And I would choose Uh I think I would have to go and don't get too excited but wilfred brimley Oh, I do like him. Diabetes. Hold on. I gotta for it Jesus That felt like it was gonna be bigger and then it wasn't I have mexican food That was so gross

So gross It was horrible Really bad. How come you're so in love with uh, we're from black. Let's talk about that I love that show. You're so you're such a crush on I don't have a crush on tatiana. I think she's a phenomenal actress What's her name? That's lani And I was okay. She can be your tv crush, but I don't you do this to me You you make it something that it isn't I think she's an amazing actress who you want to finger bang and put your Peanour in her butt. Jesus christ. What's what's the big deal? It's okay. You can love somebody that's on television

I don't know but it's not like that. I don't know what you're in love with her. It's like it's real love or something No, it's not even the fantasy style. I mean, I wish you would let me have my own fantasies You know, that's not my fantasy. What's your fantasy? I don't know, but it's not her I just like watching the show is great. It's an amazingly written show and she's such a tremendous actress But I don't have like sexual thoughts about her. Well, who's your who's your tv crush? Well, I can you do you hear the words that are coming out of my mouth? You smell the farts that are coming out of my butt. Yeah, that's why I'm asking you who is But I don't know no one comes to mind. I'm not saying that they don't exist, but like it's not her. I don't have

fingering and jacking off dreams about her As you like to say it's not like that God Which is not my style, man. You're not gonna finger blaster. No It doesn't do it for me Trying to think who's on tv. I know you like Ryan Gosling. Yeah So Would you let Ryan Gosling finger me?

Absolutely. Yeah, of course, of course, right and I would ask him to and I wouldn't be like are you I wouldn't ask you if you wanted him to I would just tell him to go do it That's not cheating though, right if I tell him to finger you. Yeah No, well, even if I just get fingered by somebody that's not really cheating Jesus god, it's like it sounds so harsh to hear you say something like that like It's so awful. That's why I fingered. I usually don't hear grown women say do you mind if someone fingers me? God

Actually, I had this conversation in a van No girls to girls talk about getting fingered. We do we just don't say around you guys really Yeah, but friend but like talk about liking it and yeah, because I was like in the van I was like, I don't really you know, I don't care about that anymore. And this one girl's like, I love getting fingered I feel like hand job videos are better than hand jobs. Well, yeah, I can't give hand job to you. What? I Because you're the master of your own hand job. That's right. Well, how am I gonna top what you do? No, you do a good job, but I've been jacking dicks for 30 years

I mean one but I do it right. That's what I'm saying. You're an expert at jack and dicks. You could practice more on hill Here's one right here. Yeah, but I gotta get variety. I gotta go jack a buffet of cocks to get really It's like stand up the more shows you do the better you get the more dicks I jack the better I'm gonna get So do that What's the problem? I don't know. I'm just asking you. I'm making sure that it's cool before I go do this I have no problem The only problem I have is if you don't tell me about

Jacking that big sticky dick You know Who's dick? Can I jack Ryan Gosling's dick? You've mentioned him a bunch now Yes, you can But I went details. I hate these fucking when you ask for details and someone's like, uh, yeah, and then we uh We wound up in bed together. Yeah, one thing led to another. Yeah, then what they're like, well, then we Slept together. I'm like take me through the fucking stages. Like you spit in her twat

Did you slap her tits around? You know, did you did you crawl up and just face slammer? Like what did you do? Tell me detail. Well, we were intimate after that. Like great. Thanks for your boring fucking story Yeah, I agree. You should have details if you're gonna share. Yeah, tell me fucking really yo, you want to hear a messed up story Yeah, I won't say who told me this one about her life. Okay secrets. What's up? So Dude, she said she was with this guy Um, they were like making out and stuff and he fucking took her underwear off and put it up inside of her All right, I didn't want to hear that story real talk and she was like, um, where am I underwear?

And he's like, oh inside of you. Wait, how did she not know where they were? Don't you feel that going? I guess she was like maybe thinking that he's doing something. You know what I mean? Like you don't really know. Why do you put it inside of her? I got this thing. I guess that's what he likes I don't know. I'm getting you know how I can tell I'm getting older That when when you tell me something like that I go, yeah, that's somebody somebody likes that Yeah, it's all relative. I know like you start to be relativistic about shit warrior. Yeah. Yeah years ago I'd have been like what what but now I'm like what? He likes it. That's what he likes

That's true. You realize that there's all flavors and all shapes and sizes and that's just get that guy's dick hard That's just the thing that that guy likes to do that gets it up and going. Yeah You got to keep that dick hard You don't have to keep you know got it You know and it's number one priority is keeping your dick hard guys It is like guys you like to say to me like whatever, you know, you know, um, I'm out there with those fucking whores, but You'll do whatever I want to keep that dick hard I don't say that. Yeah, you did. You just got done saying that. What are you talking about?

Um perfume and you're well, that's because you got me some perfume that's some fucking horror war I Don't care. I don't care as long as you get it for me. Oh, that's right. It makes your dick hard That's why you got me that's you gotta keep that dick hard all these years. Yeah. Well, that's different. I did okay Now that you say it I thought you meant I just got to keep your dick hard all the time. Yeah, you do That's the fucking job. That's the gig Keep your husband's dick hard. That's that's the gig gotta keep it dick up. No, I what I said was dick up Keep your dick up. What I

What I said was you bought me this perfume You came home one day and you go, oh this girl I worked with had this on nope That's not how it went. God damn you suck at this fucking whore That I work with I wanted to put my dick in her so I can't put my dick in her Instead, I'll make you smell like her and then I'll put my dick in you. That's exactly what you said verbatim Terrified of your version of stories. God, you can just make shit up You're the word and then you're like, no that oh, yeah, that's not what happened Fuck married a sociopath. No, I'm what's known as a storyteller. We embellished to make things funnier

It's like Burt. No, that wasn't Burt takes the story and he embellishes it and makes it funny. That's all I do No, he doesn't he completely completely adds things like a pathological fucking maniac. You are in the same fucking bracket You came home and you were like this. I like this girl. What the fuck you said I go you gave me his perfume and you're all you're all Like this girl that I lie. I got a boner for She wears it and you're all like you can wear it now and then I'll fuck you. Thank you Do you want to know How it happened for real? Please

Okay, first of all the way that I gave it to you was I just gave it to you and you loved it It wasn't a Christmas or birthday. No, it wasn't a smurf day. Nothing related. I just gave it to you I gave it to you and then you loved it and then you're like, how did you come up with this? And I go I asked somebody who had it on and you're like some fucking whore But the truth is what I didn't tell you was that this girl The one who was wearing the perfume had asked me to look at something on her pussy see And when I went to look at it, I said your pussy smells really fresh

And she said it's this perfect and her legs were open and she said it's this right here And she sprayed a little bit fresher. Yeah, and then you bought me the pussy fresher. Mm-hmm That's how it went. Oh Now it makes sense when you say it like that. Now I understand the story. Yeah, by the way, my birthday's coming up June 18th. What are you doing to prepare? Yeah, I'm everything I I get it. I want to gift every day. It's my birthday month. I demand a gift every day for my birthday month number two

I want You know what I want for my cake, right? I want that white trash pan cake Yellow cake yellow cake. I want the cake from like Duncan Heinz Yellow shitty cake and then the cheap ass chocolate frosting. Don't fucking spend 40 dollars on a nice birthday cake Make me that white trash pan cake at home. I love that with some sprinkles on it That's my favorite. I could eat the whole thing dude. I could eat my weight and that's shit yellow cake Chocolate frosting and not dark chocolate milk chocolate. Don't give me no fucking dark chocolate frosting milk chocolate frosting

All right, you got it. You're gonna make it for me pancake. Yes That's what she wants in that rectangle pan. That's what that's what she gets. Thank you You They can't see your face dummy All right, let's go You don't need to be rude like that. I love you. You don't need to be rude like that. I love her I love you guys. Stay black Keep it. Jesus guys

And then talked brown When it's time to end The podcast now jeans up White down If you Now we've had some fun We've had some laughs And we hope you all

Come running back Now we've had some fun And had some laughs, but please come on back Oh