Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 232-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: June 21, 2014

Gimme, Gimme, Gimme said the less than fully toothed lady. That's no way to get the joint passed over, boo. You gotta mind your manners! White trash is a special breed of human and we like to think of them as the worst (and most entertaining) representation of our race. From West Virginian gypsies to your standard meth head, there's no shortage of awful when it comes to the White man.  Biggie vs Beatles is no where near over. We read your emails as you side with one or the other - and you don't hold back!  Plus dozens of awful songs have been pouring in. We bless your earholes with the sweet sounds of no talent.  Top Dog is on the horn and he now wants to be an author. Won't you buy his book?

Oh, well, let me post this on Instagram at Segura Tom on Instagram, right? That's right. Yeah. Yeah. I like it. This is a special morning edition. That's right. What happened this morning, Tom?

Why were we late to the game, tardy? Because you're an insatiable pig. What did I do? I didn't do anything. You're just a machine. I dropped a hammer in you. Yeah. No.

I got to take all that love. Yeah. So obviously we didn't get the episode up on time again. We were busy fucking guys. Yeah. But we also, we were busy yesterday. There's just, you know, the show is obviously, it's very important to us. So we still make an effort to get it done, but sometimes life just gets too hectic.

And sometimes your mommies have to stay in bed an hour longer and make kisses and marital love. Because you know what? That's what life is about, right? Yep. You can't always do work work. You got to, you got to love each other. You got to drop loads on your wife.

That's what's up right there. And guys, no shit right now. We didn't realize this. Tom and I both put on our greasy shirts. We just got them last night. To sit down and do the show. I just Instagram that it's at Christina Paz. If you want to see what we look like as we record this on Instagram.

It's ridiculous. Yeah. Follow us on Twitter at Christina P at Tom Segura. Correct? Is that your handle? Is that what the kids call it? On Twitter, I'm Tom Segura on Instagram. I'm Segura Tom.

Guys, this is it. The greasy shirts are going. So this is your last chance to get them. They're so funny. And the next one we have is going to be. Yeah. Talk to the designer. And it looks like we will have the new one.

We can't. I don't want to say yet. It's so good. But it should be out next week. Yeah. Just so you know, these shirts give us joy. This is not a money making. No.

By any stretch. By like 0%. It's just, it's so dumb to make these shirts and we enjoy making them. It's so stupid. It's actually more effort than anything. But it's true. It's cool to wear them. Also, guys, please support the show or continue to support it.

You're going through our Amazon banner when you shop on Amazon. Did you know that audible.com is also Amazon? Yeah. Yeah. So next time you use Amazon to buy your toilet paper, automate that shit, by the way. Go to your mom's house podcast. Go to the bottom of the home page. Canada and US.

We have banners. Click on that. And that takes you to Amazon. And you do your shopping that way. Paper towels. Paper cap. Dishwasher detergent. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Palm Island. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You get all that shit signed. So here's some quick dates coming up. I am finally going to visit the great city of Buffalo, New York.

June 26th through the 28th, just a few short days. I will be at Helium Comedy Club in Buffalo. I'm very excited about it. July 9th, the Fox and Fiddle in London, Ontario. July 10th, Absinthe in Hamilton, Ontario. And then the big super mommy jam. Denim all over your face. July 12th, we're in Toronto doing stand up and a super mom cast show.

That's July 12th. Now, very soon. We're really excited about that. That is a big monster show. The tickets went up a little while ago. We are, I believe, at three quarters. It's so great. Toronto's crazy.

Yeah. It's a big venue. It's bananas. Please come if you're in Toronto. Let's see. Hartford. I go there. Sorry, where?

Hartford. Thank you. July 17th through the 20th. Then Ontario, California, the Ontario improv with my jeans. They just dropped the Thursday show. We're only doing Friday, Saturday, Sunday. So we need to change that on our calendars. Anyways, you can get tickets to every show that I'm doing at TomCigura.com.

But that super show ticket is at your mom's house podcast.com. Also, Jean, July 3rd through 6th, I am at the Brea improv. And guess who's accompanying me? I got Matt Fulcheron, AKA your baby's daddy, AKA the concierge, to be my opening act. So you guys are getting a twofer. There's no Friday show. On July 4th, yeah, they're canceling most comedy clubs. What are you going to do?

Fireworks outside of you trying to do your shit. And then, as Tommy mentioned, July 12th, Toronto, exciting Ontario, July 24th, 227th. And then, mommies, listen the fuck up. And an effort to continue me just performing for people I love, which is AKA you. August 9th at the Ice House Annex. I am doing two shows, a 730 and a 930. Stage two. And it's intimate and I'm going to blow loads everywhere.

I'm going to talk some real shit. We're going to talk some shit. You want to talk some shit? I want to do these shows, man. I just want to perform for people I love, which is you. And please show up so I can continue to do them. It was so much fun. Salem Portland was fucking bananas.

Like, it was the best thing to do. And you guys are going to shit in LA. I hope you come. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, Rooster Tea Feathers in Sunnyvale, California, August 14th. What a weird, what's the deal? That takes the cake for the most absurd, worst fucking name.

Rooster Tea Feathers. What? Why? Is it after Foghorn Leghorn? I don't fucking know. Why in the world? Hey, but you know what? They're having me there.

So I appreciate. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. H to the Izzo. All right. Is that it? Let me think. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Who is this? Yeah, I like it. Calm on your face. Calm on your face. There you go. Scooping score. Is that really what it's called?

Isn't greasy. Is that what it's called? Is that serious? No, it's not. You came up with that. I came up with that. Because like there's a fumble in football. They scoop it up and then you score.

So I figure that's a scoop and score. Touchdown. You can't see my husband's face, but he's like there's kind of on his face, right? Like on the girl's face. And then she takes her finger and then she kind of like. Pushes it towards. Pushes it. Yeah.

Like, you know, when you use a scraper to scrape a pan. It's so disgusting. What do you mean? It's delicious. It's so gross. I'll say it like the guys would be like, there's a little up here still. And you know, like the girl's face is always like, right, I got to get that too. Right.

So, oh yeah. It's like Cinnabon. That's the thing is it's deceptive because it looks like the Cinnabon glaze. Guess what? Doesn't taste like it. It didn't greasy. It's so gross. I wish Seaman did taste like Cinnabon glaze.

Don't you think the world would be so much happier? Oh, of course. Then it would be a problem though. Then, then like, like guys would be like, wait, it would flip. Guys would be like, please stop sucking my dick. Girls would be like, I got to get that. Give me more cum. No, please.

You're talking about cocks. It's disgusting. They're not. Give me the glaze. Come on. Give me the glaze. Come on. My shit on my hip.

Man glaze my face. All right. So you know, you know the deal. Go to the website, you're. podcast.com. It's got clips. We've been adding clips weekly. We got to add a few more now.

Oh, which one's the dog guy? I got to write that. Yeah. The dog guys the best. Don't trust your friends. Your friends are the worst. Your friends. Friends are the worst.

Friends are the worst. Don't trust your friends. Oh man. Nobody's going to love your dog. Got to pay somebody. Like you love your dog. I would never trust a friend. That's the, that's the line of the year.

I think don't trust your friends. Friends are the worst. Friends are the worst. So if you see somebody walking their dog. Don't call it over. You dick. The dog is being good. Oh my God.

Can we start the show? Sure. You ready to do this? Yeah. All right. Let's do it. Here you go. Grab it.

Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it.

Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it.

Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it.

Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it.

Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it.

Grab it. Grab it. Grab it, get it. Grab it. Grab it, grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it.

Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it, grab it. Grab it.

Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it.

Grab it. Grab it. Grab it, grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it.

Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it.

Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it.

Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. God damn it. Ask her what she thinks awesomely. This isn't too silly, Shameful. Really? Shout out.

I would say about a dozen of you got a hold of this and sent it in and I was like, yep, this is it. Giggity Gregg's sent it in. Giggity Gregg's so good. Yeah. Yeah. Talk some shit. A number of other people sent this one in and it's a really, really broken white

trash homeless looking lady hanging out with her friends including Randy and somebody is smoking a joint and she wants the joint and he holds it and pulls it away from her and then she goes, nah. It's pretty fantastic. Here she is. Let me have a hit. Randy! Get that joint!

Move your hand, Randy. Move your hand. Fuck you! Get the joint! Get it, Randy! God damn it. Hey, grab it. And then he taunts her with it here.

I am. I hate you! I hate you! You gotta jail! Yes! Get the joint! Get it, Randy! Get it!

Get it! Get it! Get it! Get it! Get it! Get it! Get it! Get it!

Get it! Get it! Get it! Get it! Get it! Get it! Get it! What the fuck...

Over a joint, ladies and gentlemen. Now let me have a hit! Only if you say, I'm Lisa Cohen. I won a hit! And I want a hit! That's not... I can't do it! And this is crazy.

This is all at a doctors' convention. They're all doctors. Of course, obviously, neurosurgeons. Yep. That's good. I'm Lisa Cohen. I want a hit. We gotta put this one up.

It's fantastic. What's really special about your mom's house is that we make fun of everybody. Oh, yeah. And white people are just the best to make fun of. Because you know what I'm saying? You got privilege in society. You're born white. The ball is yours to drop.

You got the upper hand already. Yeah. You're so... Come on. You fucked up big time. There was narcotics officers, like undercover guys at my Cincinnati show, the first show I did. They were amazing.

And I found out afterwards that they listened to the show, but I was having fun with them and talking to them the whole time, you know, on stage, and I was like, who's the worst group do you deal with? What's the worst? And he was like, by far, White Trash. And I go... Trash is the worst. I go, why?

He goes, they're everywhere. They just... They pop up. They hide places. They're everywhere. He said, it's the worst. Yeah. Of course.

I'm watching the Gypsy show again. There's a whole new one. Yeah. And they're just fucking horrible. They're just horrible people. White Trash is the worst. That show is an ad... That show, if you had never been to America and you're like, what's America like?

And somebody played my... What's it called? My Big Fat American Gypsy Living. All you see is the most disgusting, horrific, horrendous, abusive, awful White Trash pieces of shit. I mean, they are the absolute scum of the world. Every fucking scumbag, like an entitled White person who thinks that White is above everything else should watch that show and see what kind of sales pitch that group's given to White

people. It just got way worse, sir. Yeah. I mean, they're amazing. Because, yeah, they're just no regard for the law or for anybody or doing it. It's a very, very weird society. Yeah. Hopefully no Gypsies listen to this podcast.

No, no, definitely not. No Gypsies. No, no. It's funny trying to explain to people how loathe Gypsies are in Hungary. Have we talked about this before? Sorry. I feel like... All of Europe.

Yeah. Hungary specifically. Growing up, a Gypsy is the worst thing you can be. It's the worst thing you can be in Italy, in Spain, everywhere in Europe. That's the roaches of Europe, aren't they? Yeah, the car roaches, yeah. And I do feel like it's okay to be racist against Gypsies. I feel like that's okay.

Yeah. I think so, too. I feel like that's justified. I mean, they just steal. They just, yeah. Throw babies at you and take your wallet. They teach you how. They teach each other how to steal.

Yeah. This is our plight. This is what we do. I guess the big thing is they knock on your door and they're like, oh, you need to pave your driveway. Can I pave your driveway for you? Yeah. It's $10,000.

I'll do it in one day and then they do a shoddy job or something and they take off. See, I feel like it's okay to be really like outspokenly mean and awful towards our American Gypsies, too. Yeah, that's fine. Like those people are horrific people. Yeah. They're the worst. They're the worst.

Like, I don't consider us to be the same species when I see, when I watch that show, I go like, that's nothing. They're not white people, yeah. Well, I mean, maybe, no, they are white people, but they're like, they're, yeah, they're the worst version of what we do. You're embarrassing. Yeah, I remember there was one girl, Melly. Remember Melly?

Oh my God. Yeah. I actually, I like her. I feel bad for her because she's a stripper and then she got pregnant and she wanted to party despite being pregnant at her sister's or cousin's bachelorette party. So she was, she knowingly was pregnant and then got super hammered in a trailer and then was vomiting everywhere like, oh, you're just, oh, you're just such a piece of shit. Huge pieces of shit.

It's like, you fucking don't care about anything, man. That show is just. No regard. It just shows you like the worst of the worst. That's what that show should be called. This is the worst of what we have to offer. They're that bad. We have been bombarded with, we've made, we just mentioned that we want, you know, thanks

for the bad songs and everything. And we have just been, it's just been dropped on us like you would not believe the amount of bad songs that people have sent to us now. It's so great. What I love about our show is that it just evolves and takes on, there's like new levels that we go to. Yeah. I love how this all evolves creatively and it's like we do it together with the audience.

It's just the fucking funnest thing ever. We literally cannot keep up. I cannot keep up with this. The inbox is just like, you want a bad song to listen to? I can't listen to all these fucking 500 songs. But here's one that I did get to just listen to a moment of and I was like, yep, this is pretty fucking terrible. Just trying to sing a John Legend song first of all, which is probably not the best idea.

You know what's more embarrassing is like in this one. When they sing an awful song, it's bad enough, but they make a semi decent video with it where they're like, like this girl's on the beach and she's like trying to be like super sexy as she sings this. I don't know what she's saying. I don't know this original song. I don't know what she's referring to. Oh, let me, let me pull it up and then you can compare the two.

It does sound a lot like, is that what the song is called? Yeah, yeah. Well, you're, you're familiar with the artist, right? You know, I thought you said John Lennon and I got excited because it was the Beatles, although the Beatles are not as good as Biggie Smalls. So going there again, talking about it again. Well, even if you don't know the artist, you can compare the voices. So why don't you, there you go.

Same sound so far. Let's see if they sound exactly the same to you. It's pretty much the same. Wow, this is different. He's not singing it right. You're right. I don't like these words. I like young, young, young better.

Too complicated. I can't hit a fucking note. Too complicated. Let's play this the right way. Yeah. Yeah. You got to see the video. The video is incredible that she made.

I'll have to put that up. Okay. I think I'm full on that for now. Much appreciated. Everybody's sending that in. Somebody said that this guy has a thousand of the worst songs on YouTube. You can't even hear him. You can play the guitar.

Oh, I said that. He's Stevie Wonder compared to the last chick we just fucking played. I don't know. Let's see. Can I tell you my least favorite form of music is the acoustic guitar. It makes me nervous. Are you nervous? No, because when people play it, they make eye contact.

I get nervous when I say, oh, shit. At a party, you're like, fuck, somebody broke that. Somebody's going to ruin this party. Oh. This feels like not this could be the guy entertaining you at dinner in Hawaii. Yeah. I don't think he's the worst. He's not the worst.

The problem is you look at the guy. I think it's just like a sweet guy that just loves playing his guitar. Just singing the song in his heart. He likes to make music. He puts his dumb videos up and they have like 12 views. Yeah, that's cute. He's a nice guy. I'm assuming he's a nice guy.

The interesting thing is that you can hear the sincerity in that. Even summertime is here. There's an earnestness to it. They are happy that it's summer. There's some quality that's not shitty. Then there's the people that just want to be famous. Like the Chinese food one. You're not even trying.

You're not even trying to be good at this asshole. What about this one? Wow. Get in my car so we can fly away is actually the words that she's saying. Well, it's like the end of Greece. I guess when they fly away into the sky. This is an insane song. But you know what?

I'd rather have my horse. Which is a natural thought. I think this is like the foreign song suck. This is like when you go to another country and you're like, oh, this is what you guys like. Like when I go to Hungary and I listen to the stuff they like. You're like, this is fucking garbage. You guys like Euro trash shit?

I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm a Barbie girl. Oh, they love that. Come on Barbie, let's go party. Come on. I'm blue.

Totally. Oh, they love this shit. Every European place you walk into. They love this. Yeah, this is everywhere. Strobe lights. When I did a semester abroad, they're like, it's blue.

With their little foreign sneakers. I love that. That's the anthem for foreigner shit. They're like, why don't you guys play this? With their pumas on. Puma. There we go. That's so awful.

It's got a quarter million views. It has more thumbs downs than thumbs up. Girls like 11. People are like, you suck. Stupid fucking bitch. But why do you think, why does this appeal to so many people? Like, why is it that which sucks the most

appeals to the most people? What the fuck? This is little kids watching this. It's like 12 year old girls. You know what's funny, my dad said to me last week. I totally, I totally resonated. He goes, whatever I like, nobody likes. Whatever I fucking hate, everybody likes.

I'm like, that's the story of my life. I feel like the shit that I like, nobody likes. And I hate everything, everything everyone else enjoys. What do you think of this? All right. Thank you very much. I was listening to the Beatles again in the car.

You know what sweet? There's this song. It's been a hard day's night and he goes, but when I get home to you, I find the things that you do. They make me feel all right. And it's implied, it's inferred that she's fucking him.

But nowhere in a Beatles song is it said. He says, if you know what I mean, I want to hold your hand, but it's never like I'm going to come down your throat and I'm going to fill your ears and your butt hole. God damn it, man.

Well, we got a bunch of Beatles emails, so why don't we go through some of those? Devolution. Marcello writes, mommy, check out this dude. I don't know who it is. P.S. Tom, you drive me fucking nuts with your hatred of David Bowie. Finally.

Honestly, I can't believe that Biggie's better than Bowie. Finally. Thank you, Marcello. The voice of reason, finally. I know of a radio show. Every week the host, Andrea, really puts out a great mix, Brazilian music,

without a doubt. Where is that? Is it on the internet? It's like a radio show. Yeah, it's a radio show. I'd like that. Here we go from Max. I would love to know what the other moms out there listen to. I listened to Extreme Death Metal

and Old School Hip Hop and Webster. That is the best song ever. When I hear the Beatles, I want to break a light bulb in my ass and use the shards to cut apart my Peter. I'm 20 years old as my generation doomed when I listened to YMH. That podcast is gooder than a bitch.

You're doomed, kid. He wants us to see you. I'd love to see you guys come to Minnesota. I'm working on that. He wants to see that. He likes Death Metal and rap, he says. That's cool.

I'm down. Megalodon, stuff like that, bro. I don't know. He didn't mention the actual specifics. That's cool. The emails are very... Let's see. You're getting some big time Beatles endorsements I'm seeing here.

Thank you guys. I was worried that I was alone here. Biggie Smalls over the Beatles? Come on now. Something's wrong. That's just not right, man. I love your podcast. Makes me laugh.

I walk with my own Theo Huxtable. Let's see. Here we go. Regarding the current biggie, I really hate the Beatles. I think they are just an old version of a crappy pop music. I say that

as a big fan of most of the bands Christina names on the show. The Pixies and Joy Division. Not to gang up, Christina, but where I come from, born the same year as you grew up on punk, the Beatles were pretty overrated. Even though I know very little about Biggie,

I'd still crawl over to John Lin's corpse to choose him. Let's see. Keep up the hilarity. Hey, you know what, guys? Everybody's entitled to their opinions, even though they're wrong. You guys are entitled to your wrong opinions.

I just wrote you a huge endorsement. I don't feel like reading it though. I'll read it privately so that I may gloat and pop my fists in the air as I read them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll really laugh. I feel like I'm number one. You know what?

I used to hate the Beatles, and this is a true story. I didn't appreciate them until I was in my 20s, and I started listening to them. I used to think they sucked you, actually. You did? And then in my 20s, I kind of rediscovered them

because I was listening to Revolution and I was like, wow, this song makes me want to fucking put a brick through someone's windshield. And I felt motivated. And then I started to listen. I like them. They're smart. There's a lot of cool shit. You say you want a mommy

Lucian. Okay. Well, you know. Here's the song. Somebody wrote in, oh, I know someone on Twitter was like, I laugh every time I say bean or two. Oh, I forgot.

I should have mentioned this. Next Tuesday, the 24th, I'll be at the Virgil in Silver Lake. It's a free show. You can come in and there's some good comics on the show. That is 9.30 Tuesday,

the 24th here in Los Angeles. So please come if you're there. We'll go through a couple more songs. Yeah, I love this music. This is good. I hate this song. But I am assuming it's not the same words. That's terrible. Terrible.

Oh, there's a lot of N words. I almost, I got to say it's not only bad, but it's also horrible production value, which always like, I actually don't like when I get to hear these because it's just like, I'd rather hear your well produced shitty songs than I'm saying.

Yeah, man. All you need nowadays is a MacBook. I mean, come on. No, wait, but let's pause for a moment. Press pause, P-A-W-S, push them down. Do you think this is better than Bowie? David Bowie or this guy? 100% this guy.

Wow. 10 times better. He's talking mad shit on this. I'll give him respect for that. He's talking mad shit. He's like, you want to talk some shit? He just showed like a bomb dropping on America and he said

fuck a lot. He's just like Asia and if you're not with Asia to fuck everybody. But which Asian country? Which Asian country are we talking about? All of Asia is better. Wow, it's brazen. I mean, I give you respect for that.

You want to talk some shit? Here's the thing, he's right in some regards because sushi is deliciouser than a lot of things I've eaten in America. Deliciouser, yep. I love Chinese food too. Japanese foods, Korean barbecues are my favorite. You love it, you love the way it tastes.

I love Asian foods. I know that it's nice. It's so poorly made though. That's where I tell you. It's like he took an old time cassette tape. You know when you used to tape shit off the radio when you were a kid?

And then he got like a Mr. Microphone. Why don't you fuck this real shit man? If you're all Asian you should have technology better. You know what I'm saying? You're bragging about how fucking savvy and smart you Asian motherfuckers are. And then

what's this shit? You want to talk some shit? Why does that make us laugh so much? I don't know. You want to talk some shit? I'll talk some shit for you right now. Call me. Call me. Who wants to call somebody to talk shit? Alright, the last one for today.

The last bad song. I've actually, this one was sent to us a while ago and it's one of those that I looked at and just kind of passed over it and it's one that keeps popping up. It's like resubmitted. Now I'm curious to listen to it.

So let's see. It's called, I'll let you listen for a second. Okay. I hate that sound already. I hate it. Oh, it's Benny and the Jets ruined. Oh boy. I hate this.

Wait. You know what's going on? He's a gay rapper and there's dudes shaking their dicks in his video. I like that. Boy Pussy. Okay. Wow.

The horn sound. That fucking horn man. Wow. This had to, I knew this was going to come at some point, right? Of course. This dude looks like he's about to tell you about all the pussy he gets and he's just like, I fuck dudes in the ass night and day.

I love it. There's so many people I wish that would talk like this in the world. It makes me really happy. He's shaking their asses. He's like, I want to fuck right here. You know what? That is the joy of the internet is that people like this

can finally have a voice in music. There's an audience for that. There's got to be a bunch of gay dudes who are like, yep, I'm into this. Now, when did the air horn? I remember that happen. That's a morning DJ thing that just went great. Like big boy in the morning.

They still do the bell. The bell still goes. They always have the bell. The bell's the worst part. The bell and the horn is like, I feel like in... I feel the horn more is like New York, like Funkflex,

we got that new... That new video. Felly fell. Every time. But then like big boy, it's like, you're back in the neighborhood. Yeah, they got to do the bell. I guess the bell makes it

excitement. We're having a party in here. You stop them by the party. It's so horrible. I never understood why they have to be so aggressive in the morning. Most people are miserable in the morning. You don't want to hear loud sounds.

You don't want to hear horns and sirens and obnoxious. It's the worst thing to hear. First thing in the morning? That's why I used to listen to Howard Stern. Hey yo, Funkflex. We're about to do that one more time. We're going to do it one more time.

Good morning everybody. Wake up, wake up. It's 6.45 in the morning. Coming up here on KDFM, we're going to have a little get you in the room right now. Whatever the fuck they call them. It's the worst.

It is the worst. I could never listen to radio shows like that. And then they're like, that shit was so tight, we're going to play it again right now. Who's ready to hear that shit one more time? Right here, 106. I'm so stupid. That and the fucking bells are the worst.

Let's see if they have the... I got to take a piss so bad. I got to pee in my jeans. Can you press pause, P-A-W-S? Sure. All right. Well, Christina's peeing will just do a quick commercial break everybody. Good job.

I don't know about you, but I don't like taking pills for minor arthritis pain or using those patches. Thanks, Stephen. But I found something that really works. Australian Dream. It doesn't smell, doesn't burn, isn't greasy, and it relieves my arthritis pain.

Plus, Australian Dream has an empty jar guarantee. You use the entire jar and if you're not satisfied, return it for a full refund. I doubt that you'll send it back though. Because Australian Dream really works. You want real relief from arthritis pain? Australian Dream. All right, there we go.

I'm so glad we got to take that commercial break. Yeah, quick commercial break from our greasiest friend, Chuck. Just one more real quick. We can get back to the show. My fellow Americans. Recently, the Senate voted down a controversial gun control act.

President Obama claimed that it was a shameful day in Washington and the Senate went against the will of the people. He claimed that 90% of America is for gun control and the Democratic Senate, his party, voted against it to ensure their own re-election.

So let me see if I got this straight. If you want to stay in office, you do the opposite of what the American people want. Actually, it makes sense. Nobody wanted Obamacare and yet he got re-elected. So do you think gun control is

dead in America? Well, you better think again. When for the Second Amendment in the Senate, gun control is alive and well. The President and the Left are in a full court press to eliminate legal guns from America. All right, thank you, Chuck.

Appreciate it very much. What happened? Why do you have to be a... I don't know what happens to people. I didn't even know all that, man. You think Chuck Woolery is going to change America's voice and opinion? Chuck could do a lot of things.

Don't you tell me. I love connection. Did you find some cowbells to make the show more exciting for people? I don't have the bell yet, but we got those horns. I think we should keep using the horns in the show. If there's a lull in the show,

we should just do that. It makes people feel like there's more happening. Yeah, that's pretty neat. Is that an air raid siren? That is. Sounds like it to me. Really bad. I feel like that happened in the late 90s.

Is that one that's on the radio? We got that new big pun. Y'all ready? On Saturday night on the radio stations, they would remix the songs you like, but they would ruin them. There were other songs that you like, so now it's two songs you like

making one incredibly shitty song you hate. And horns. Because they knew that people would just record songs being played and make mixtapes and just have the song, the other thing they started to do is drop their name.

Power. The DJ would drop his name. The DJ that did it to the most unbelievable degree of quality. So then you'd be hearing a song you like and it'd be like This song just has clue in it now

a thousand times. Subnoxious. Completely obnoxious. This show, we got the hits for you right now. You know what I'm saying? Who's ready? We gotta clean the kitchen. Holy fuck.

It looks bad. By the way, they didn't want to give us the cleaning lady. Of course they didn't. I'm so glad we can finally come out with this right now. I feel like we've been in the closet. We've had...

Oh god, that was so chunky. That was disgusting. I almost vomited. We've had the biggest asshole neighbors. They're not the biggest. Yes, they are. I pull it back a little bit. They're way worse scenarios we could be in.

They're really, they're really worse. I would say that, here's the thing. The premise of this neighborhood is be quiet. We like quiet, normal people. They're not considerate people, but they're not the biggest assholes. There's a little bit worse.

But yes, they're so inconsiderate with the partying. I mean, what happens here is when the weather gets nice, they fire up the barbecue and then guess what? They do have a 10 song loop. It's like, there's a couple of stone songs. And it's a lot of like,

kind of 70s rock. There's some Phil Collins in there. You're like, what the fuck? It's like good songs, but like, literally, you're like, are you just playing that mix over and over and over? And they like to get fucked up and they like to get loud. Now, there's a couple things

that this is why I don't... One of the things that sucks is that we have real close proximity. Of course. LA. So we're really close to them. But then the part that I give them more slack on

is the fact that they bought that house and it's their backyard. I don't think it's the coolest thing, but I'm saying I go like, well, I guess you can do what you want because you bought a house and you feel like partying. And we rent this place, so I go like,

we have the... It's like a big thing with them. I wish they were more like us. That's the thing. Well, I disagree. I think that just because you bought something and then now you have a right to be complete and considerate jackass.

And so what if we're renters? We're here now, bitch. And the whole neighborhood... No one else in the neighborhood behaves this way. So it's like, dude, bro, we've all consented to a certain lifestyle being here. You're doing this, man. You're ruining it.

You're fucking... Don't pet my dog. I know. And the thing that kills me the most is that they would do it late in the night and the cops would be called and they would just pay the citation and keep partying. That's the part that's cray-cray. So rude.

They just like to have a good time, man. Oh, and on the Lord's Day, they're cranking the music all Sunday. All Sunday is bad. I poke my head over there and I told them once, what? Two times. It is weird, though, that they're not old, but

they're older than us. They're adults. They fucking party hard, man. All the time. All the time. Rage. Every week's about having parties. And you're like, dude, you're grown. I guess I just don't

understand disrupting other people. It's one thing you want to rage. Dude, do you? You want to smoke heroin in your backyard? Fucking go for it. But don't infringe on other people's rights to quiet and peaceful life. People to the other side of them just must absolutely

make them that quiet Asian family. Oh, they're so nice. They never make a peep. No one else makes a peep. I'm glad it's done. I'm glad they're gone. They're going to leave soon. You know, I just feel like this conversation is kind of a lull. I mean, let's pick it up. Oh, I'm sorry. This is boring.

That's more exciting. Yeah, let's who's excited to hear maybe a little top dog. Oh, top dogs in the house. We got that new top dog for you. You all know what time it is.

Let's do this shit right now. Let's get that top dog going. Let's get that top dog going. Let's do it. That's how you know it's exciting. It's exciting now. Hey, buddy. Stop dog. Hey, buddy.

Stop dog. Hey, buddy. Stop dog. You need to wipe down. Stop dog. I got him on the horn today. No pun intended. And

yeah, it's a pretty much a classic. Let's go. I miss him. Hello, dad. Hey, buddy. How you doing? Good. What's going on, man? I just was after lunch with some friends of mine and put him back to the office.

So right now he's at home alone because my mom's in Peru. Oh, no. What's he and do with that? I don't know. Okay. How have you been like eating while mom's gone? Well, you know, we don't have any bacon in the house, unfortunately.

But I've been eating that pretty good. I had crab mango salad today. Okay. And last night I had a I did have an SLA last night. I had

biscuits this morning. I had two eggs the morning before. And I had cereal the morning before that. And then I had salmon for lunch. So I haven't had a cheeseburger

or a bacon burger in more than a month. Do you notice the difference in your dumps? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Because if you eat the you got to make sure if you eat

that stuff, that really good stuff that you get, you're looking at a number one or two. And I try to stray in the four times. Okay. You know, you know what, I haven't had a one in a long

time. But the last couple of ones I've had have been. What was that? What was that? What was that? I accidentally farted while I was talking to my dad.

Accidentally? Yeah. I haven't had a one in a long time. But the last couple of ones I've had have been fourth and fives. And that's pretty good.

Yeah. Now, do you still want to write that book you were telling me about? Oh, yeah. One to seven. Absolutely. One to seven. He wants to write a book called One to Seven. One to seven. How to live a healthy brown life.

Right. Right. Yeah. He called me a day because I want to write a book called One to Seven. I was like, that's fucking amazing. That's actually really funny. Not a bad idea. What's up with that? What is that?

This is drinkable yogurt. I don't share dairy. So that's not going to happen. Can I have a sip of it? No. Okay. Here, I'll pour it in this cup. I really hate when people share dairy. I don't want to have a container or never take a spoonful of ice cream

and lick it and then give it to me. I won't fucking eat that. It's disgusting. Is that enough for you, Ploppy? Jesus. Nice. You worked out. You can handle it. Well, that's a really good book idea

for Top Dog. Hey, what did we eat the other day that gave us a nice brown? So for my birthday, I decided you're what day? Oh, I'm sorry. My smurf day. For my smurf day, I decided we were going to stop at Carl's Jr.

Carl's Jr. The idea behind this is that it's nostalgic to you, right? Well, here's the thing. Growing up with a single dad, I ate Carl's Jr. every week of my life as a kid. And it's like, there's this one burger dude

really gets my taint. It's that Western bacon cheeseburger. We got two slices of bacon, cheddar cheese, and then two onion rings and barbecue sauce. The sauce, yeah. Shit, it's so damn good. I haven't had one in a while.

Good for you. So we went through the drive-thru, like a couple of animals. We got ourselves two Western bacon cheeseburgers. Per your request. Yeah, this is my birthday. I ate what I want when I went. And then we got...

ate them in the parking lot very fast. Yep. And how did you feel after you did that, Tom, with me? I was like, I feel good. I feel healthy. It feels right, right? Yeah, I feel like that's the

feeling that you go, now I can do stuff today. I have this fuel. Healthy body, healthy mind. And I go, you know what I want to do is I want to be active right now. It's like you eat your Western bacon cheeseburger and your onion rings and you go on a jog

and the world is cool. I remember this one. And so I go into a separate room. Oh, my God. I go into a separate room. And I... That was bad. That was the far hurt around the world.

That was the burcast part, yeah. Savannah, she's one of the co-hosts. I go into a separate room. Oh, my God. Yeah. Wait, I just noticed. And you go, yeah? Yeah.

Because Bert fed us that night. And I think there was too much garlic in the meatloaf. He was a lot of garlic. He liked a lot of garlic. We had meatloaf that night. And then, do you have any more of that? No. Because we can't listen to his story. He's telling us a good story,

and he's like, my eyes are watering. I can't even... Here, let's go back to Top Talk. Huh. You know, something else I learned the other day, which your listeners might want to know. When you're in a toilet, you have these kind of toilet paper

where you can't see the roll, but you can do... Yes, I know what you're talking about. You have to reach up and tie it and pull it out. Yeah. You got to make sure that when you break it off, you break it off after you pull it out, so you don't have to search for it up there again.

That's genius. Wait. Say it again. All right. If you're yanked the paper out and you're white, then you got to go up. You got to put your hand underneath it and go behind the roll. Oh, right. Like in a public place or something.

Yeah. If you pull it out and I kind of break it off in the middle, this way I got to handle. That's true. That's good thinking. Yeah, that's speaking from experience right there. It is. And so, you know, I've kind of gotten out of the master of the universe on that.

God, I tell you, the other day, I really had to go. And... I had a choice of both. Two... Two places to go. The ground floor only has one toilet, and the upstairs has two, okay?

Mm-hmm. Trouble is, when you open the ground floor, and somebody's there, your body's ready to go right then and there. Yeah. And I took a risk, and the ground floor was open. Oh, man. I just made it, too.

Wow. Really? Wow. Yeah. Were you farting in the car and stuff on the way there? No, yeah, I knew coming over the bridge. I started, okay? And I could tell by the smell,

we were looking at probably a five or six, okay? Wow. Oh, like a real loose one, huh? Yeah, I could tell by the smell. Those five or sixes have a different... a different smell than three to fours.

It's more of a mild, mild, less rancid kind of smell. Five and sixes, you know, that'll clear out a room, okay? Yeah. So I knew from experience, you know, what I was facing, okay?

So... Yeah. The other thing in the morning, when you were a suit, you had to undo that one button there. Yeah, you're big on this. You've told me this before, yeah. He mentions it every other time I talk to him.

What's the one button on top? On a suit pants, there's like an inside button and the outside button. He's like, that inside button will get you. You'll forget and then you'll shit your pants. Yeah. Otherwise, sometimes you get stuck there trying to find that button.

And it's, you know, bombed away. It's like an airplane. That's the bomb. And you've got to get your bomb site over the target. So that is... That's another thing that I've got. Yeah. Experiences talk.

Yeah, that's good, Dad. Hey, do you know anything about the squatty potty? What? The squatty potty. What is that? So basically, we are biologically designed for

hundreds of thousands of years since human beings have been on Earth to shit, basically squatting all the way down. That's how our bodies are. That's how people were designed to shit. Toilets are... When I was in Vietnam,

that's the way I shit. We dig a little hole in the ground with a little cuticle and you squat all the way down. And what's amazing is you don't get that much... You don't get that much shit on your asshole.

Huh. That is amazing. That's what's amazing. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. My eyes are going to explode from laughing.

Are you kidding me? You don't get that much shit on your asshole. The way, okay, is you never wonder dogs go out and you don't see dogs like it, do you? No.

Yeah, you're right. When I was down there, I had almost no mess whatsoever. Right. That's how we shit for thousands of years. It's basically a step stool that goes around the base of your toilet

and then you pull it out when you shit and what it does is it elevates your feet so that your legs, your knees are elevated and it kind of mimics that squatting thing. I was thinking about getting you one. You can have kind of a

a game. You can have a little whiteboard inside the toilet and you can kind of aim for certain spots. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good idea. They can contest out of it. Would you be interested in one?

Would you like one? My birthday is in August. You can get me one for that. Okay. I'd love to have one of those. I'm an affordable person. No, no, it's for the home. But I think it'd be cool. I think you'd like it.

I think Mom could use it. I'll help your mom out. She always complains that she has ones. Well, because she doesn't eat any vegetables or anything else. Since this is my Smurf Day week and I've been eating shit, I've been off my diet.

It's harder to poop. I usually eat a lot of greens and veggies and that's why. And I've not been eating my veggies and fruit and that's why. You know what though? That would help me with my problem and my cleanup problem.

Maybe we should get a squatty potty because if he's telling me that the cleanup's easier and I won't have to take a shower every time we shit. You definitely said you don't get as much shit on your asshole. Let's try it. I think Mom needs it. Can you imagine trying to explain that through a TSA agent?

You know how smart they are trying to explain that to one of those guys who I've been security. They're the worst. They really are. You know? Oh, your mother. We're coming back through customs

and your mother gets mad at me because I declare everything on custom forms. I don't cheat. Your mother being Latin says, I don't know how you guys act. They need to put that stuff down.

I like that he said your mother being Latin. That's the reason that she said that. They all shiced. So I put down what we bought Customs Lady said what did you buy? I said that necklace that she's wearing

and a bracelet for my daughter. And Mom says she declares everything. She's so crazy. If he goes mad, he's supposed to. Yeah. My mom tells the customs agent he declares everything.

That's the one person you don't say that to. I know. That's our top dog call for the day. It's a good call. You learned a lot. Definitely pull that paper out. That's a really good idea and it's something I've never thought of.

It's neat when you learn something from top dog. It is. All that's like a blessing. Seeing my little nieces just having fun and not stressing about anything or different stuff like that. That really means the world.

Who's your favorite? I just wanted to give you a little bit of that. I feel like this episode lacked a lot of you know what I'm saying? Who's that? You know what I'm saying? I really don't know. I never had a job day in my life.

Never had a job one single day in my life. You know what I'm saying? In jail, you know what I'm saying? I'm like, you know what I'm saying? We got to clean our kitchen. Yeah, let's get to it. Let's get to it.

I got to put this up. Yeah, we're late. It's freedy. Let's do it now. I love you guys. Thanks for listening, guys. Keep it greasy. We've had a little bit of an argument going.

Oh, like who's the main? Who's the main mommy? I'm the main mommy. The main mommy. Me. I believe the main mommy. I qualify. It could be the main mommy.

Hmm. The main mommy. It could be the main mommy. Christine is the main mommy. Did you know that? Speaking of the main mommy. And it's the main mommy.

There you go. So you're far more. You wear more jeans. I think this is always going to break out in a tie. No matter what you bring up, you guys just have to be the moms together. That's true. This is what you agreed upon.

See, someone reasonable just came into the picture. Right, whatever. We'll have to agree the mom agree. Which makes me the main mommy. Whoa! Whoa! Thanks for watching.