Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 236-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 4, 2014

It's time to celebrate. America, either the land you're lucky enough to live in or lucky enough to wish you lived in is putting another candle in her cake. Show respect. Wear tighter, more form-fittin...g jeans. You know how Theo does it - 24/7 and to honor our son and one of the hardest MF's out there, our boy now has his own gear. It's official. We're still working on the percentage split with him, but it's out there.  We promise not to feed him vegan food. We really think Peter Caine would light us up if we did.  We read your emails, play a NEW GOOD song - not a horrific song, and basically have a jolly, good time doing this episode. We love you, Lady America. Here's to you!

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Incredible. It's the time of the year again. July 4th is here. Let's start. Let's start. Love the 4th of July. Love the 4th of July. I do it up big on the 4th of July. Love the 4th of July. Love the 4th of July. The neighborhood's grilling, chilling outside. Can you feel it? It's that summer glory. When I get to celebrate USA's story. Pern turn up and day's just starting. I brought a picnic. This cheese is a bargain. It's a holiday. Our nation's birthday. Red, white and blue all over the place. It's so hot. I can't believe it. A nice cold drink. You're gonna need it. But I'm fresh. I'm looking real mean. Blocking UV, SPF 15.
Starting point is 00:00:43 Paper plates with paturic doodles. Wave a tiny flag for my pool, Nuro. Love the 4th of July. Love the 4th of July. I do it up big on the 4th of July. Love the 4th of July. Love the 4th of July. See my soda on the mud. 4th of July. 4th, 4th, 4th of July. 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th of July. Everybody. 4th, 4th, 4th of July. 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th of July. Friends, crowd the grill. I know why. Burgers smell delicious. I can't pass by. You take my bun. I'll take yours. Anyone know who brought this fruit skewers? Check my t-shirt. There's an ego on it. I love the 4th. And you can bet on it as my cousin. As my aunt. And my third cousin. He never frowns. Pledge allegiance to finding the sun. I'm proud to be American. Love the 4th of July. Love the 4th of July. I do it up big on the 4th of July. Love the 4th of July. Love the 4th of July.
Starting point is 00:01:38 Love the fireworks. Got me peeping hard. Love the sky. No. No. 4th, 4th, 4th of July. 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th of July. Everybody. 4th, 4th, 4th of July. 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th of July. Can I just say it's been a good day. Real quick. Shout to mama. July 4th is second to nada. Working home with an empanada. 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th of July. 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th of July. 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th, 4th.
Starting point is 00:02:12 Okay. Cool. Oh my god. Jesus. Best song ever. You love it? That song really motivates me to be American. That's Rosa G. 4th of July. I thought it was Iggy Azalea. Nope.
Starting point is 00:02:27 Sounds like her. With the accent and everything. I'm so fancy. You love that song, don't you? Nope. You heard it a lot. I did once. When you were filming.
Starting point is 00:02:37 Funniest wins. Funniest wins. People really loved that song that month. They love it a lot. Every day. Every day, Key Lewis would bring like a speaker system. He'd attach it to his iPhone during our one hour lunch break. And then he'd play his music super loud like that.
Starting point is 00:02:54 It's kind of cool. To hear other people's jams super loud like that, you know? Yep. Yep. Yep. Just like back in public school during lunch. Remember that's what kids would do. Well, you know, it's America's birthday today.
Starting point is 00:03:07 It's 4th of July as Rosa G said. Happy Smurf Day, America. Happy Smurf Day, America. And if you're listening from somewhere else in the world, you're welcome. You're welcome for setting an example of how to be the best. That's right. It's so awful. I didn't even think about that.
Starting point is 00:03:29 Like there's people that listen in other nations that are like, I don't care. Thank you so much for your birthday. Listen, you better fucking care. Or walk them over there and smash your head in. You want proof? Huh? I don't care if you're in mom's Sarelia. It's America's birthday.
Starting point is 00:03:47 Or you're... You don't still breathe. You're okay. It's a cup of tea, mommy. You shut up. Come back there. We'll take your fucking tea away. Yeah, Canada.
Starting point is 00:03:58 Canada is all, hey, it's your birthday. That's neat. Have some maple syrup, huh? Yesterday was Canada Day. Did you know that? Did you know that? That's for real. Did you know the other day was Canada Day?
Starting point is 00:04:11 Was it? Yeah. I didn't even know that. Yeah. How do they celebrate? They just write us love letters for the 4th of July. Did they put as many flags out as our neighbors do? God, it's such a fucking flag neighborhood.
Starting point is 00:04:27 And it's not like one normal rectangular flag. It's like people get those feathery colonial-looking ones, and they have multiples, multiples on every fucking window. You're like, who's got time for all this? It's a bit much. Anybody got time for that? Anybody got time for that? You know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 00:04:43 I'm almost American as it gets. I don't have time for that. Yeah, well, check it out though. It's the 4th. We hope you enjoy. You grill. You barbecue. You honor.
Starting point is 00:04:53 This great land. And tomorrow, you can go see Christina P at the Brea Improv. Yeah, guys, I'm there tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday. I have two shows left Saturday and one Sunday, and I'm there with the full charge, AKA your baby's daddy, AKA the concierge. It's going to be fun, dudes. But please don't forget, you know, like,
Starting point is 00:05:13 Brea is a big club. If you want to see me really pull my jeans up and really get in there, I want you to really get into my crevices. Jesus. August 9th. I'm doing two shows at the Ice House, 730 and 930. And I feel like I want to really be intimate with you guys.
Starting point is 00:05:30 I want to tell you some stuff. I want to talk some shit. So the links on my website and in your mom's house, please come to the August 9th show, because it's just for real mommies only. It's not just for any old riffraff off the street. That's Pasadena, yo. That's right.
Starting point is 00:05:45 That's what's up. Pasadena, California. Well, look, this is some news. This is some talking shit news. Talking some shit is that Toronto is sold out. Cray-cray. It's so crazy. Cray-cray.
Starting point is 00:05:57 Okay. We're talking to the promoter who's talking to the venue about getting 20 or 30 more like fold out seats in there. Bananas. But the capacity has been reached already. So I didn't know that when we did Wednesday's show. Oh. He texted me.
Starting point is 00:06:12 He was like, you can stop plugging it. Shit. So anyways, we're really excited about Toronto. It's going to be fun, but there are some shows in the Greater Ontario State there that I will be doing the days before. My birth state. It's not a state. It's a province, isn't it?
Starting point is 00:06:29 Right. So July 9th, the Fox and Fiddle in London, Ontario. I will be there. Please come out if you're in that area. And the 10th, July 10th, Absent and Hamilton, Ontario. I will also be there. So please check that out. The following week after Toronto, I go to Fartford, Connecticut.
Starting point is 00:06:49 I'm there 17th through the 20th. Christine and I do Ontario together here in California, the 25th through the 27th. Yeah. I'm going to the punchline in Sacramento and then Pittsburgh, then Columbus, then Denver. Geez. I'm all over the place.
Starting point is 00:07:08 I'm a busy boy. So I'm very excited about all of those dates. Please come check out the God. Thank you. The God? Yeah. It's a little presumptuous. Guys, do you live in Sunnyvale?
Starting point is 00:07:21 Is that an hour outside of San Jose? Just about. Come see me at Rooster Teeth Feathers August 14th through 17th. That's all I got. All right. I'm going to say, oh, Mama's on. Guys, if you do your shopping on Mama's on Amazon.com, just go through our website to do it, please.
Starting point is 00:07:40 There's a little banner on the homepage. You click on that and it takes you to Amazon and just do your shopping like you normally would. You can buy sandals there. You can buy all kinds of stuff for summer times. Beach times. Beach times, balls, swimsuits, and also somebody wrote in saying the reason people may not see the banner is because they have.
Starting point is 00:08:01 Ad blocker. Ad blockers. Yeah. Guys, take that shit off. Got to take your shit off. Take it off. Yeah. And please continue to shop there.
Starting point is 00:08:13 Now we'd like to tell you this. You ready to party? Yeah. Let's fucking party. It's July 4th. It's time to party, man. Let's fucking do this. Jeans up.
Starting point is 00:08:34 And if you're giving your dog a vegan diet, what the hell is a matter with you idiots? What is a matter with you? You want to give them a bunch of chemicals because that's what's in it because they need a ton of vitamin B12. That's not going to, they're not going to get B12 from a plant source. You dumb shit. This shit is big time. Who is Randy?
Starting point is 00:08:58 Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura, Tom Segura. Christina Pajitz and Christina Pajitz. Welcome to your mom's house. Whoa. Whoa.
Starting point is 00:09:21 Whoa. Damn. Wow. He's playing with your teeth. What the fuck are you doing right now? I'm playing you playing the fake guitar. You look like someone with very severe disabilities. I was playing the guitar behind my head and you're like, ooh.
Starting point is 00:10:00 You look like a retard. You play with your teeth now. Every time we do the opening theme, Tom plays along and it gets crazier and crazier. I can't help it. Are you going to do that? You should do this for Toronto to show people how you. Excuse me, where? Toronto.
Starting point is 00:10:15 Oh. Toronto. Yeah. You're really going to like it. He's so dumb. That video, the opening clip we played is my new favorite clip of Peter Cain and I have been obsessed with it. You have been obsessed with it. Guys, do you realize the other clip that we play of him where he's like, don't pet anybody's dog.
Starting point is 00:10:38 The dog is being good. Yeah, yeah. That's like up to 189,000 views right now. Yeah, that exploded. And all of his other videos are like 400 only because of mommy's. Mommy power. It's so funny. He's probably like, what the fuck?
Starting point is 00:10:55 You spread around. Let's get this one. A lot of views. I love it. This is about a vegan dog. Vegan dog food and Peter Cain is not happy about it. I love Peter Cain. So do I.
Starting point is 00:11:07 I think he's awesome. He's my favorite. It's amazing to me that some people like complain about his comments. They're like, what are you complaining about? The guy loves fucking dogs. Yeah. He's passionate, dude. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:11:17 And I like people that talk like this. Me too. He's like, no, you fucking idiot. I love that. I want this guy to help us with Theo. Yeah. I just, I love everything about him. I love his openness.
Starting point is 00:11:26 I love his honesty. Theo's a good boy. He's passionate. Yeah. We don't really need a ton of work on him anymore. We got it. We're going to get him off that vegan diet right about now. Dog eating salads.
Starting point is 00:11:36 Yeah. Yeah. Here we go. Kitchen life vegans. Here we go. Here we go. There's several dog food companies that are making vegan diets for dogs. It's disgusting.
Starting point is 00:11:49 And if you're giving your dog a vegan diet, what the hell does it matter with you idiots? What does it matter with you? You want to give them a bunch of chemicals? Because that's what's in it. Because they need a ton of vitamin B12. That's not going to, they're not going to get B12 from a plant source, you dumb shit. You give your dog a vegan diet. My God.
Starting point is 00:12:13 Listen, let me tell you something. I'm a dog trainer. And even with dogs that are on pet food, when the problem dog comes to my house, I have them change to a raw diet because there's a behavioral change. Dogs aren't supposed to eat a bunch of gluten, okay? Consider your dog to have like celiac disease, like a human. They aren't supposed to eat a bunch of gluten. It's not helpful.
Starting point is 00:12:38 Do we have, do we feed the other bunch of gluten? We get them some real bougie rocks, like the hard food. Yeah. I don't know. What does he feed his dog? Well, I watched some other videos and he actually gives them raw chicken feet because they have some protein in it that dogs need. I'm not going to go to the Chinese market and get Theo chicken feet, although he might really
Starting point is 00:13:00 like chicken feet, you know? I don't know. Can we give them some raw chicken stuff? I don't know. I got to do more research. I know cooked chicken they can eat. I'm going to give them raw chicken. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:13:12 It's too dicey. Shit. I mean, he's never eaten that stuff in his life. I mean, I don't know what his, what he, when he lived in his other neighborhood would kind of shitty able to ask him. He likes hot sauce. So I was thinking they like chicken feet and hot sauce, right? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:25 He's told me before. He's like more hot. He said more hot sauce to me before. Oh, really? Yeah. When did he say this? Like a month ago. Wow.
Starting point is 00:13:33 More hot sauce. Okay. I'll write that down. Yeah. He's so funny. He talks so much shit about you when you're gone. What? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:43 I didn't want to say anything, but like what? He was just like talking shit about what you were wearing and what I was wearing. He said that your, uh, your gear is kind of whack. What? Like, what are you talking about, dude? I mean, he's out of his, he's out of his mind. I don't know. Man, he doesn't, he doesn't say that.
Starting point is 00:14:00 Yeah. Oh, sorry. It's Gary Cannon texting me. I think that, uh, Peter Cain would tape indoors though. Yeah. The one, the only thing I would complain about is his audio. Yeah. It's terrible.
Starting point is 00:14:14 There's always buses going by, trains. Yeah. It's loud as shit. All right. Let's get some more. Let's get some more. And all those things, those plant proteins and plant, it's an irritant to the dog. The dog needs that, but not in large amounts.
Starting point is 00:14:31 So even regular pet food is unhealthy for your dog. It's too large amounts of, of starchy fiber as shit. That's just how it is. I'm sorry. If you had a shark and a, and a fish tank, would you feed a tofu? Would you give a cow meat protein? No. So you don't do the same thing to the dog.
Starting point is 00:14:53 That's ridiculous. Look at its teeth. Look at its teeth. That's for eating meat, ripping and chewing. You don't change evolution in 10 years. Okay. Anybody that is giving their dog a vegan diet, you're probably not very smart. You're not.
Starting point is 00:15:13 And pet food companies, just because they make it, they make pet food. That doesn't mean it's healthy for your dog. Wake up. The dog eats meat. You're not, you're not very smart. I like when he does that when he reiterates the thought. Yeah. Friends, they're just the worst.
Starting point is 00:15:31 The worst. Friends are the worst. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that is, that's incredible. I really get him. I feel like I feel the same way about things and he's just saying the stuff that I think about.
Starting point is 00:15:44 You know what Peter's really big on? What? You want to talk some shit? Talk some shit. If you want to talk about some dog shit. You want to talk some shit? Yeah. He wants to talk some dog shit all the way.
Starting point is 00:15:54 So fired up. Yeah. But he just loves animals. He does. He's full of pigeons and all kinds of animals. You can tell that he's, yeah, he's just, he's 100% dog lover. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:16:06 He just cares about them. Yeah. He's fantastic. We have a big, big, big, big announcement right now. Made. Let me be appropriate with it. Wow. That burp just kind of, it didn't, you didn't even really celebrate that rip.
Starting point is 00:16:21 It was pretty subdued. I gotta tell you, in all the years I've known you, that was the laziest burp I've ever seen you do. Yeah. I mean, I didn't, I didn't give it the respect it deserves. Yeah. You didn't even go for it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:16:34 Well, here's the big news. Are you guys ready? Hold on. We have new shirts and they are unfucking believable. We're so happy about this. We have two new shirts. There is a new Theo shirt that is. Yes.
Starting point is 00:17:02 It's finally here. It's amazing. I can only describe it as amazing and it's Theo 24-7, I'm Theo 24-7 and there's also a Let's Get Social shirt. And it's, they're both going to be, you can go to our site, yourmomshousepodcast.com. If you go to the merch section, if you don't see the shirt, they're still up, just click on like the greasy or bike shirt and it'll take you to the same merchandise store. So we're, we're working to make sure that it's obviously there, but if you happen to
Starting point is 00:17:43 go and you don't see it telling you right now, it's still going to be up. We'll link through one of those other shirts and here's additional news. Not only is there the new Theo and new social shirt, but the black top dog shirt for the rest of the weekend through Monday, I believe, is going to be on sale. To celebrate America. Yes. So it's heavily reduced. I think it's like 30 or 40% off.
Starting point is 00:18:10 Oh, it's wonderful. Yeah. You can get a top dog black shirt for a great discount. There you go. It's pretty, pretty exciting. The social shirts awesome. The Theo shirt, it grabbed my heart. It's so good.
Starting point is 00:18:30 It's got Theo little FIFO smoking a cigarette, one of his favorite menthols. And it just says on the other 2004 seven and his fur looks great. And he's got his little name tag and it's in fucking gangbanger, like old English script. The best. It's the most amazing shirt. I mean, we discussed this like months ago and the designer, Angelo, did such a great job. Phenomenal.
Starting point is 00:18:56 He does all, he did social as well as crazy. Those are the guys, that's the Astoy, Astoy Merchandise. Yeah. It's the name of his company. God. It's my favorite right now. Tremendous. It's the drawing is so good.
Starting point is 00:19:07 Yeah. He did a great job. He really knows what he's doing. I wonder if Theo's going to like it. Yeah, I don't know. You want to go get him? Yeah. I don't know where he is.
Starting point is 00:19:18 Is he outside? Uh, I don't know. He went outside to go sunbathe and then I called him in and he gave me this look and he told me to go fuck myself and I was like, all right. So I think he's out sunbathing. Let me see if I can find. I'll go see if I find him. All right.
Starting point is 00:19:32 Do you see him? Yeah. He's so moody lately. Like this morning I was like, let's go potty and he's like, potty yourself, bitch. I'm like, wow, okay. Oh, there he is. Hey, Theo. Hi, buddy.
Starting point is 00:19:45 Hi, sweetie. What are you doing? What do I want? Hey, um, I was just, where were you by the way? What were you doing right now? Collecting. Collecting. Collecting money right now.
Starting point is 00:19:59 Okay. Okay. A lot of World Cup action going on right now. Oh, really? Yeah, man. Costa Rica. It surprised the shit out of me. I didn't know I was going to lose that kind of money.
Starting point is 00:20:07 Oh, wow. Yeah. Money. I thought you were dealing in cigarettes or bones or. Yeah, but just don't worry about it. What's up? Okay. Um, how come I called you up for potty today and you wouldn't go?
Starting point is 00:20:21 I mean, how about I make you tell your shit right now? What would you say? It's like a point. I go when I got to go just like you do. Got you. Okay. So yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:20:33 Okay. Um, Theo, we're wondering Tommy and I, your dad and I, did you just happen to see the new Theo shirt that's in the living room? Yes. And, oh, you didn't say anything about it. How do you, do you like it? I figured we were going to have a, you know, a state of the union kind of discuss what we're going to do with it.
Starting point is 00:20:54 What do you mean? What we're going to do with it? We're going to sell it. It's already in motion. Okay. But we haven't discussed, you know, percentage splits, not like that yet. Percentage and splits. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:21:06 Well, what, what could your percentage possibly be? Your dog? 75, 25. Me? 75, 25. Yeah. Yeah. Why?
Starting point is 00:21:16 What? You're our dog. We own you. You don't own shit. I pissed on your pillowcase that night. You actually have. That was very rude. Let me tell you something right now in a court, which is I'm prepared to take y'all to court.
Starting point is 00:21:29 Okay. You got, you got my image and my likeness. You know, you got shit that I've said on the shirt. You got my name. You can't just go ahead and gank that shit. I mean, it's the same thing. If you decide you want to put Michael Jordan on a shirt, you know, that's just his. Right.
Starting point is 00:21:47 Well, here's the difference is that we're people and you're a dog and you have to take us to the people's court, not the dog's court. You're just a dog, dude. Nobody cares. You'd watch, absolutely watch your tone and watch your words. Okay. Or what, what are you going to, or maybe you need to, you're going to find something in the fridge.
Starting point is 00:22:09 Wow. What, what do you mean? Like a poo poo? Just watch what you eat and watch what you drink for the next couple of weeks. Theo. That, you know, that is poison me. I'm your mother. Theo.
Starting point is 00:22:24 I will. Absolutely. I will hide your bones and you will never find them again. Okay. Okay. I don't, I don't even care about those damn bones. You gonna find out. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:38 Well, look, it doesn't matter what you think because we're your parents and we're going to sell this shirt and people are really going to enjoy it. You want to ruin people's joy? No, it's fine. They love you. I'm just talking about we're going to chop that shit up. Okay. Theo.
Starting point is 00:22:52 Yeah. Don't worry about it. There's a pie. Okay. I'm going to get the biggest slice. Yeah. Theo shirt. Okay.
Starting point is 00:23:00 Theo. I don't think so. Theo shirt. My shirt is my money. It's not your money. You're ridiculous. You're, you're so ridiculous right now. Look, let me put it to you this way.
Starting point is 00:23:08 Okay. Wow. I'm going to enjoy my week. It was fourth of July. I've had a busy month. Oh, really? Yeah. What, what have you been doing?
Starting point is 00:23:16 World Cup has been taking me down. Yeah. And there's a lot of bets. There's a lot of Mexican dogs in this neighborhood. Really? Yeah. And you've been collecting on them? Collecting, losing a little bit of everything.
Starting point is 00:23:28 Okay. I'm going to relax this weekend. I'm going to get some sun. Mm hmm. I'm going to get some barbecue. Mm hmm. I'm going to have a couple beers. I'm going to smoke a lot of cigarettes.
Starting point is 00:23:37 Mm hmm. And when that shirt hits the market, I'm going to be there to get paid. Right. We'll see about that. We'll negotiate. How about this, FIFO? 75% is a little high. That's cool.
Starting point is 00:23:50 70-30 deals, shake my paw. Nope. I don't think so. I don't think so. That's really high. How about I give you a room and board for free? I already had it. How about I take you to the vet whenever you're not well?
Starting point is 00:24:04 I already had that established. Checkups. I already had that established. What about food? I feed you twice a day. We change that water bowl for you. How about some new shit? Take you on walks.
Starting point is 00:24:14 How about some new shit? Dog park. Went yesterday. I know you went yesterday. By the way, your father told me that all you do now is just bark at the other dogs. Yeah. What the fuck is wrong with you? It's called establishing who's number one.
Starting point is 00:24:30 Mm hmm. Everybody's got to know. That's all I'm telling them. Hey motherfuckers, I'm number one. I'm number one. I'm here. Okay. You got to let them know that if you need something, if y'all need some smoke, if you need something
Starting point is 00:24:44 to drink, I'm the dude to come to. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Okay. The point of the story is, how about you get to maintain this existing lifestyle? And that's it. That's what you get for the shirt. I mean, I think that's not a bad offer.
Starting point is 00:25:00 And how about you sniff my dog ass home? Okay. All right. Yeah. Tell you what, why don't you go back? Yeah. Go ahead. See you later, sweetie.
Starting point is 00:25:10 I'm going to get paid. Okay. We love you, sweetie. I'm going to get paid. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to get paid. Hey, I just saw him walk out of here.
Starting point is 00:25:29 Yeah. Can you believe that guy? What do you mean? Can I believe him? You didn't hear what he said? I was just looking outside for him this whole time. Oh, no. He came in here and I told him about the shirt and he demanded a 70% cut, 70 for him, 30
Starting point is 00:25:43 for us. And he said he's going to take us to court and sue us for use of his likeness and image because we didn't give him, we didn't get permission. What? He's out of his mind. That's way too high. Did you, did you counter? Well, I tried to.
Starting point is 00:25:57 I just explained to him that we're his parents and we keep him alive and that's enough. You know what it is? I think he's really stressed out with this world cup thing. What do you mean? Well, he said that he has lots of collections and he's, you know, I think he lost a lot of money this week. So he's a little stressed out. Right.
Starting point is 00:26:14 Yeah. And he's trying to take it out on us. And that's not cool. No, you can't do that, man. No. No. He's such an interesting character, that guy. He is really something.
Starting point is 00:26:23 I think he'd relax into his new home finally. I feel like he's just, he hasn't really, you know, kind of surrendered to his new suburban life. Yeah. Yeah. Now he can take the dog out of the ghetto. How much money are we supposed to give him for this? 70%.
Starting point is 00:26:39 70? He said he's going to poison our food if we don't give it to him. Jesus Christ. I know. No, I mean. What the fuck is wrong with you? We just got to come back more aggressively when we talked to him. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:26:50 I think so. It's not fair to give him like 10% or something. He's a dog, sweetie. He gets nothing. How about no percent? No. He earned 10%. What are you talking about?
Starting point is 00:27:00 He's just cute. That's all he is, is he sits around and he's cute. That's for a 10%. Oh my God. Okay. You guys are retarded, both you and your son. 90, 10. I'll talk to him about it.
Starting point is 00:27:10 Maybe he'll listen to you. Yeah. So are we going to party today? Yeah. Fuck yeah, we're going to party. It's our country's smurf day. Well, I was born in Canada, but yeah. Oh, that's right.
Starting point is 00:27:26 You're never going to be American. Forgot about that. I like the 4th of July. Are we going to go watch Fire Farts? Yeah. I love Fire Farts. Actually, you know, who doesn't is our boy. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:38 People hate the fireworks. He does not like that at all. I think he reminds him of his old neighborhood before he came here. All the gunshots. Where that happened every night. Why are there fireworks every night? Doesn't like it. No, it's not.
Starting point is 00:27:51 Oh, shit. You know what's coming is Nathan's hot dog eating contest. Oh, yeah. Let's see if Joey Chestnut. That's today. The 4th. Oh, shit. That's right.
Starting point is 00:28:02 I'm sorry. Yeah. Also, we should know the results already. Well, no, because this is first thing in the morning. So how would we know the results? No, that's true. We'll find out. Is Chestnut in it again?
Starting point is 00:28:11 He has to be, right? He's the leading champ. Yeah, of course. I like Sonya the Black Widow, that little Asian lady. She really eats the shit out of stuff. She's a new challenger. Somebody to really fucking make a run on these people. I know.
Starting point is 00:28:22 Well, what's his name? Legs. Oh, yeah. He's doing pretty good. What's Homeboy who fucking used to run it and then he got like booted? Kobayashi. Yeah, Kobayashi. He just, you know, I think there's only so many years you can dominate the sport.
Starting point is 00:28:37 But he had some real issues with them. They got legal issues because he wanted to compete outside of the league and they wouldn't let him out of the contract or something like that. So contractual issues. He showed up and got arrested a couple of years ago. Yeah, he's arrested. He tried to like crash the party. It's a crazy industry.
Starting point is 00:29:00 It's a tough gig. That is a tough gig. You know, are we gonna eat some, are we gonna go to that party or just chill today? I don't know, dude. You know, I'm just so anti-social lately. All I ever want to do is stay home. It's just, I can't fucking, full charge is coming over. So let's just get some...
Starting point is 00:29:20 Brews, some margs, top shelf. Top shelf margs and just fucking chill out. Yeah, I mean, look, I love talking shit with the full charge. Talk some shit. Talk some shit. Just, you know, if he feels, if he feels, here's why I don't like July 4th, mandering round is that there's a bunch of drunks out on the road and we want to get boozed up and then who's going to drive?
Starting point is 00:29:40 Yeah, yeah. Unless we Uber it, we could do that. I gotta take a shit. Do you want to Uber? We could Uber it to that party. I don't know what to do. Social... Sometimes I don't want to get social, you know?
Starting point is 00:29:53 I don't know. I'll do what you fuckers want to do. Can I read this awesome email we got? Sure. I got a couple. First of all, huge reaction to us playing the bullhorn on the show. You guys really seem to like that. Do you know that for the longest time I didn't know it was called a bullhorn?
Starting point is 00:30:11 I thought it was a blow horn. Really? Yeah, I've never seen that one. That's the stupidest sound. So this note comes to us from Matt. Hey, Tom. Fuck you, man. Exclamation mark.
Starting point is 00:30:27 I was hitting on this really attractive, well-kept, graceful young lady last night and things went well enough to get her back to my house. Nice. We were just about ready to make the transition from the living room to my bedroom. I picked her up to continue kissing while I moved as both and without any thought at all, a quote, show me how those big tits fart just slipped right out. Have you any idea how it feels to be slapped in the face holding a stranger in the air wearing no pants and having to find out where I find out maybe she wears them light low
Starting point is 00:31:02 and loose on second thought, maybe you saved me. Maybe you've concocted an amazing screening test of future partners. I'm not sure now. Yes, absolutely. One thing I can highly recommend is when you get a new lady and you're bringing her back for the first time, the first time ever and you feel there's chemistry, it's a good time to drop a show me how those big tits fart on them. See what she's made of.
Starting point is 00:31:29 Yeah, I kind of agree with that. You don't want to be with some fucking lame old, it's going to judge you all the time about stuff like that. I mean, what would you have said at first time? I didn't say anything. You put my hand in your crotch and farted on my hand. No, no, no. He's talking about the first time to hook up though.
Starting point is 00:31:45 Oh, the first hook up? I don't, you know. I remember the first hook up. No, you threatened my life. No, I did not threaten your life. You said, I like you so much, I want to choke you, I don't want to punch you. That's afterwards. I'm talking about before.
Starting point is 00:31:57 I have laugh, I think I'd like it. Because you were like, are we going to get naked or what? I remember you said that. Yeah. And then you were like. There's cheese in my broth. Show me. Show me how to do this.
Starting point is 00:32:10 And then you'd say, show me how this big tits far. I'd laugh. You made me, I remember you were the only girl back then that made me wear a condom. Okay. Moving along, um, Dearest Jeans, what's up, Sherry, etc. Long time listener. What's up, Sherry, etc. I know it's the best.
Starting point is 00:32:27 I love it. There's so many things. What's up, Sherry? There's too many things on the show. Long time listener. First time writer. Thanks for the countless hours of entertainment you've provided the Denim Militia, I like Denim Militia.
Starting point is 00:32:43 Wow. That's really good. Yeah. Yeah. Denim Militia. It's sort of dull up here. And I won't say where he is. Pie.
Starting point is 00:32:51 Podcasts have been a great relief. All right. I'll get to it. I am responding to your question about, well, post-pump cleanup. Remember a while back, uh, we put out a call to any of you. If you guys, if anybody out there, um, you know, beats their meat and then cleans it up by eating it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:33:10 And lo and behold, here we go. I haven't admitted this to anyone until now, but I consume my semen after masturbating. I do it because it simplifies the cleaning process. I don't leave any tissue evidence behind. It's frugal. And I guess it's a form of protein recycling. I also don't mind the taste, which has gotten better since I quit smoking. I realized that this is repulsive in theory, but I don't feel even marginally grossed out
Starting point is 00:33:38 by it. If someone I, if someone I knew, however admitted to me that they did the same thing, it might actually affect my opinion of them to a small extent. Then again, I'm profoundly damaged and neurotic. So who am I to pass any judgment in sexual court? Wow. I'm a big, hairy kind of guy, much like mommy buns. I enjoy women wearing women's underwear in secret.
Starting point is 00:34:02 I'm considered somewhat strange by my friends, but generally in a good way. They have no idea just how strange it's like an iceberg, but an iceberg with a really dissonant personality. Anyway, mommy confessional is over. Please forgive this garrulous missive. It's funny. Can you believe this? First of all, thank you for the confession.
Starting point is 00:34:23 Yeah. I love confession. I love it. Thank you so much for sharing. Yes. Thank you. What do you think? What I think is that different strokes for different folks, you know, we talk about this
Starting point is 00:34:35 stuff all the time. Yeah. It's hard to wrap my head around as a woman that's had to eat a lot of cum over the years. Jesus Christ. I just feel like as women, it's always our duty to lap it up. So like, what can I do? He's choosing to lap it up. Right.
Starting point is 00:34:49 His own. Right. Yeah. It's not, it's not such a cray-cray. I think it's, it's weird when it's your own or is it better if it's your own? I don't know. It's a good question. Potato, potato, potato.
Starting point is 00:34:58 I think if we really actually broke down everybody's innermost confessions, secrets for what gets them going, nothing would really freak anybody out. Yeah. I think there were more open dialogues about all this kind of stuff. A lot of people are into a lot of, you know, unorthodox things. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot.
Starting point is 00:35:22 Yeah. True story. It's a, because here's the thing, like it just coagulates so quickly. And also I have this, can I read the PS real quick? Oh yeah. Yeah. PS, Christina mentioned someone whose name sounds like Brigitte. Oh, he's asking, he's, he's young and he doesn't know that is Brigitte Bardot is the
Starting point is 00:35:42 woman I was referring to, sweetness Brigitte, like Brigitte Bardot, Bardot, older French actress, beautiful lady. One of the most beautiful women in show business history, Brigitte Bardot, look her up kid. You can spank your monkey. Wow. What do you think, Tom? I think it's legit. Do you think it's real?
Starting point is 00:36:06 Sure. Yeah. I mean, I don't see why it's not real. I know that, um, like, I mean, it would repulse me for my own, uh, in any amount, but I also have a quantity that would just be, you have a lot. Yeah. I think what it is is like body fluids in general, like I think it's a consistency thing. It's more of a textural.
Starting point is 00:36:27 It's kind of like just a weird, mucusy substance. Like if, if you came Cheetos, then I'd be like, fuck, yeah, everybody, let's have Tom's Cheetos. Yeah. But it's, oh, it's, it's, it's a consistency thing more than anything. It's a little coagulated and, you know, there's not a lot of foods that come out like that, like tapioca pudding, maybe. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:51 I don't know. It's tough. There you go. Man. Yeah. All right. Yeah. It's just intense.
Starting point is 00:36:59 It's an intense thing. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A little bit. Um, oh, do you want to hear something cray cray? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:37:08 Always. Not cray cray. Sorry. We're, I'm about to give you something amazing here in a moment. Okay. Uh, but, uh, just wanted to point out that people have flipped for the, uh, Tom or Black. Oh my God. I can't believe we haven't brought this up yet.
Starting point is 00:37:21 Sorry. Yeah. Um, somebody even goes, Hey, uh, they tweeted me, you should retire this segment because it can never, ever beat that. That's crazy. Right? Yeah. I mean, I'm looking at an email right now laughing so hard.
Starting point is 00:37:32 I nearly peed in my jeans. Best Tom or Black ever. It really was. It really was. Yeah. It was the best Tom or Black ever. There were new clips. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:37:40 On both the Tom side and the Black side. And, uh, we had a Black guest who got, who was 0 for 10. How in the hell? It's really like domination, you know? And it's funny because when Sydney was answering every single time wrong, I had to like really keep a straight face. I could not believe, by the time we got down to the ninth clip that they were all, he was all wrong.
Starting point is 00:38:01 I'm like, please let this guy get one, right? Yep. It was unbelievable. And he's from Texas. So he kind of knew like the Southern twangs. Remember? He was like, well, that's kind of like a Southern guy. He said that you could be a great light-skinned Black man.
Starting point is 00:38:15 Yeah. That's, that's your length. He said I'm 47 to 55. And then I'm a old, like I'm a light-skinned dude shooting lights. My favorite part of that whole segment was when you guys went back and forth. And that will happen. Yeah. And he threw that.
Starting point is 00:38:32 I mean, I didn't even know how to respond. I thought it was so funny. I couldn't even get into it. Yeah. He goes, come up, come down. And that will happen. You smush? You smush?
Starting point is 00:38:40 You smush? Yeah. That was, that's amazing. It was amazing. Yeah. Sidney's great. We'll have him back. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:38:48 Super funny guy. Super sweet guy. He's one of those rare combos. Man, yeah. He's not a dark comedian. A lot of comics are dark. He's, he's really fucking cool. Maybe he's Black.
Starting point is 00:38:57 Oh, I mean, I mean, inside guys. Oh. Emotionally. Emotionally for fuck's sake. No, you're right. He's one of those guys that, um, it's not like, uh, he's like, he's, it's joy in the room. Like he's fun in the room.
Starting point is 00:39:10 Yeah. Sweet guy. Sweet guy. Genuinely kind. Funniest wins. Tune in. Um, oh, there's this also. You of course remember, I hope you remember.
Starting point is 00:39:21 Hey everybody, it's summertime. You remember it. These summer nerds. That's a three beat slide. Yeah. They all got three beats in the song total. Uh, they, they didn't interview when I hear the audio with them. Oh God.
Starting point is 00:39:48 Is it as boring as their music? Gracias a su talent e imaginación un niño de mamá salvadoreña y papá estadounidense ganó uno de nuestros concursos diseñado para los más pequeños de la casa. Habla con un poco más grande, nos visita con una nueva propuesta. Hace siete años, elño Edward Stern participó en el concurso, pinta el tiempo de noticias y ganó. Por eso, porque me gusta dibujar. And speaking in Spanish.
Starting point is 00:40:18 Yes. That's the, that's the son. Are you fucking kidding me? Wait, wait till you hear the. No, you're not. Stop it. Stop it. Wait till you hear the daughter speak.
Starting point is 00:40:27 This is the son. El pequeño Edward pintó a Dios como creador de las cuatro estaciones. So I guess the son here, he won a drawing competition that they had at the station or something. I don't fucking know. So anyways, that's him talking about saying the lame shit. Now let's wait. Wait till you hear the daughter.
Starting point is 00:40:50 So he painted the four seasons as like a little kid. I don't know. What a bunch of nerds. They are that overachieving, achieving asshole nerd family. Like the kids can't have a normal summer. They have to go to fucking math camp and do constructive things. Oh yeah. I hate these families.
Starting point is 00:41:15 No, I know. God damn it. I hate them. Hoy en día, Edward tiene diecesiete años y junto a su papá y a su hermana forman la agrupación. Three beat slide. Three beat slide. How do you say that in Espanol?
Starting point is 00:41:28 Three beat slide is how you say it in Espanol. Trace beat those sliders. La idea fue de su papá. They just gave credit that the bands forming is the dad's idea. Thanks dad. Of course it is. You big fucking nerd asshole. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:42:07 He's forcing his kids to do this crap. It's so bizarre. I used to play the guitar when I was 9 years old. You know what the problem is? You know why their music sucks? Because they suck? Because they're too smart. You can't be super smart and make good music.
Starting point is 00:42:35 If you look at the best bands, look at the stones. You can make jaggers, a fucking dope. You gotta be a bit of a dope to make great music. You gotta like drugs. You gotta like drugs. You gotta like chicks. You gotta party. These nerds don't party, dude.
Starting point is 00:42:49 Your motivation has to be pussy to make good music. That's what's up. Drugs. It's sex. Drugs and rock and roll. Nerds. Drugs and music and math camp and bilingualism and constructives. Oh, do you want us to do this interview in another language?
Starting point is 00:43:02 No problem. Nerds. It's three beat slide. Three beat slide. People really liked the Orson Welles remix. Oh, Sebastude. If you missed it, I think we'll post it on the site. Where the fuck is this?
Starting point is 00:43:24 Wow. Somebody is a little... Why is this not, has this not gone out? Why are you so far? What are you fired up about? I'm trying to play this fucking thing and it's not... Yeah, you can't be smart. Like, there's a very few rock stars that are like super smart,
Starting point is 00:43:37 but who likes them, you know? That's a great point, babe. Yeah. Yep. That's a real good point. Who's like super? Try to think. Like, who's like a super intellectual that's like an amazing musician?
Starting point is 00:43:50 I mean, even, okay, as much as I love the Beatles, I have to admit John Lennon got super annoying when he was with Yoko and he was always fucking preaching about some bullshit on TV. You're like, come on, man. Just fucking play us a song. Come on. Oh, it's horrible, right? It's the worst, man.
Starting point is 00:44:05 Don't have an opinion. Okay. This is super exciting. Are you ready for this? Okay, I'm ready. Um, Max Newman, who has... Yep, now him. You know who that is?
Starting point is 00:44:14 He's created songs for us. Yes. Oh, he's the best. He just sent in a new song. Oh my God. I haven't heard it. I want to play it right now on the show without knowing. Let's do it.
Starting point is 00:44:22 This is a song... This is a guy who's made music that we've actually loved on the show. All right, let's hear what he's got. Let's see what it is. Oh my fucking God. God, my God, my God. So far it's a hit. Oh my fucking God.
Starting point is 00:44:43 God, my God, my God. God, my God, my God. God, my fucking God. God, my God. God, my God. Oh my fucking God. God, my God, my God. God, my God, my God.
Starting point is 00:45:04 Gene? Oh my fucking God. God, my God, my God. I'm gonna pee, I'm gonna throw up. God, my God, my God. God, my God, my God, my God. Oh my God. It's sexy.
Starting point is 00:45:38 Wow. Wow. Wow. Thank you, Max Newman. That was powerful. It had a build, a crescendoed. It was everything. Summertime was great.
Starting point is 00:45:51 It's called Jeans in My Cunt. Wow, it's really good. What's that Max Newman song we would jam out to? Legit jam out to. There's a few. I have to pull up his... Dude, remember there's one that he sent us where we're like, this is like a legit jam.
Starting point is 00:46:11 No, he's made a few. He's made a few, man. He made Greasy-E. That's the one. That's like, yeah, it is so good. Yeah. Yeah, he made Greasy-E. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:46:21 Well, he made another one. God. On top of that too. Greasy-E. I'm positive he did. Is that the one that goes, I'm Chuck Woolery. Yes.
Starting point is 00:46:29 Bum, bum, bum, bum. That's amazing. I know he made another one. What a talent this is. He said he really liked that cunt clip. He was inspired. Yeah, he was inspired. That's how the muse takes you.
Starting point is 00:46:47 You hear something and you can't hold yourself back. I'm trying to remember what the... Holy fuck, that was amazing. My cunt, my cunt, my cunt. While you're looking for that, I have to give a huge shout out. I was, I was, I don't forget what we were talking about. And I said, I made reference to a band, a fake band named Megalodon. And some guy on the internet was like,
Starting point is 00:47:13 I think mommy was referring to Mastodon, which is a metal band from Atlanta. And these guys Mastodon are kind of a big deal. And they are huge mommies. Can you believe that? They listen to our show. Crazy. So on Twitter, I've been going back and forth.
Starting point is 00:47:30 I want to get these guys in, but we're trying to figure out a time. It's a big shout out to Mastodon. We love you guys. Thank you for listening. Wow. Yeah. That's pretty cool, right?
Starting point is 00:47:41 Mastodon. Holy shit. What did you call them? Megalodon. Megalodon. Megalodon, which is not a bad name for a brown or anything. No, no. Megalodon.
Starting point is 00:47:51 Maybe there is a band called Megalodon. Megalodon. What are you looking for? Megalodon. I was trying to find this other Mac Newman thing. I couldn't find it, but that's fine. Megalodon, that's hilarious. There's something else I have.
Starting point is 00:48:06 Oh, yeah. You said... I can't, I can't. I can't, I can't. You said you found a video of me rapping as a kid. Yeah. It was really neat. I found this video your mom sent it in, and I thought...
Starting point is 00:48:20 My mother. Yeah. I think, I don't know. I don't remember. You don't remember if she listens to the show and sends emails in? Really? Yeah. I think this came from your mom.
Starting point is 00:48:30 This video is a little boy rapping. I'm like, oh, that's ridiculous. Okay. Should I play it? Let's see if you remember this time in your life. Yeah. This person wants to kill themselves if they listen to and watch this. This is horrific.
Starting point is 00:48:59 This is so bad. How did you find... Did someone send this in? Of course. It's given me anxiety. Of course. I should. Because I can see myself doing this.
Starting point is 00:49:08 Of course. The God is doing his new thing. I could totally see myself doing this. Of course. When you're a little kid, it's two things you love most. Jesus and rapping, and you're like, I'm going to put this together. I'd be 100% on board with this. At like eight or nine, I've been like, fuck you.
Starting point is 00:49:25 That's a good idea. I want to do that. You want to do it on TV? Of course. Yeah. Of course. Play it. Come on, play it.
Starting point is 00:49:33 God, it's hard. It's really hard. It's so hard. When I start, I look down through the ages, and you will find God doesn't change, but he knows the time. From heart, piano, to song to rap, you know. God's with us, so what can I lack? And so God is doing a new thing in our lives.
Starting point is 00:49:48 So we're doing a new thing through Jesus Christ. The clothes and the dancing is really hard to watch, too. It's so hard because when you're that age, you're just so passionate. Yeah. You have no idea that it's just not cool. There's video of me singing with Michelle and Brian, and with Jeanette in there, too. Weird Al Yankovic. I think we sang them fat.
Starting point is 00:50:21 Yeah. What we really passionately sang. Of course you did. I formed a band in my Christian school called the Virgin's. It was me and this girl, Megan. The Virgin's. And Nicole, the Virgin's. How old were you?
Starting point is 00:50:34 Oh, I don't know, seven or eight. You knew what Virgin's were? No, I didn't, because Madonna came out with like a Virgin that year, and everyone loved the song, and I didn't know what that meant. And I was like, do you guys want to be in my new band? And then we started practicing, and I remember a teacher coming over and be like, oh, what are you guys doing? We're in a band, what's your band called?
Starting point is 00:50:52 Virgin's? And they're like, do you guys know what that means? I'm like, yeah, totally. I lied. And it's so mortifying to look back at her dumb, stupid songs. It's so bad. It's so embarrassing being a kid. Thank God there's not a ton of footage of us.
Starting point is 00:51:06 I know. I mean, now? Oh my God. I've thrown away tapes that I found. Like, because I was so embarrassed. Yeah. Yeah. Destroyed like old evidence of my existence.
Starting point is 00:51:19 Yeah. I don't blame. Um, fake commercials. Like when we got a VHS camera, I pretend to be on television. Oh, 100%. Yeah. We made one, we made a movie in my basement with opening credits. Like we drew it on a cardboard called LA Guns.
Starting point is 00:51:34 Oh my God. And I actually made fun of Steven Seagal even then. Wow. Yeah. Look at you. We did a fake commercial. Um, they were like, uh, because they, I feel like they used to do, like, teasers, like trailers would be like this.
Starting point is 00:51:49 So we, I did a fake one when I was like eight, eight or nine where I was like, uh, they killed his family. They, uh, they stole his dog. Steven Seagal is mad as hell. Wow. So we did a mad as hell parody. That's really good, actually. For a nine or 10 year old?
Starting point is 00:52:06 Yeah. That's pretty good. That is the caliber of like an SNL sketch right now. Mm hmm. Yeah. That's a level like SNL. My nine year old thoughts. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:52:15 Yeah. God is doing a new thing. He's doing, he's doing his new thing. He's doing a new thing. Do our music. We're doing a new thing so he can use it. God, choosing this music out to come is strong. My gut cleanses y'all singing this song to make it the way that you live and let you
Starting point is 00:52:36 know Christ is the one who will give peace in your heart. A new start. Come on out of the door and you'll do his part. Jesus. This kid thought he was going to have a career in this for sure. Yeah. But who's the A-hole adult who introduces him and is like. And they're just like, there's rappers right now and people are like rapping.
Starting point is 00:52:55 Everybody sends us the rapping for Jesus thing. You know about this? Mm hmm. They've sent it to us. It's fake. I know. That's why I don't play it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:53:04 It's not a real one. Everyone has sent it to us. We've probably been sent 150 times. No, but we like the real thing. The real, yeah. It's way more embarrassing. It's real. The rapping for Jesus is, it's choreographed.
Starting point is 00:53:12 It's like a sketch. Yeah. It's written. I like real fuck ups. It's like a real fucking kid thing. Yeah. This is horrible. I got to take it off.
Starting point is 00:53:21 I can't, I can't look at it anymore. It's so embarrassing. I felt the same way. Wouldn't you divorce me though if this was me? No. Babe. You wouldn't? No.
Starting point is 00:53:30 Everybody, everybody has these awful tapes as a kid. Everybody, every kid did this. Hmm. It's so embarrassing. It's just, I'm just glad that my dad doesn't have those tapes. Oh my God. Oh, he would. God.
Starting point is 00:53:42 He would let that, he would let that out. Again, I was an only child too, so it was a lot of time alone with a VHS. Just hit and record, coming up with my own dumb shit. Mm-hmm. God. It's so embarrassing, man. Speaking of embarrassing, I had this sweet corporate gig this last weekend where they asked me to do some comedy at this awards show for the LA Press Club.
Starting point is 00:54:11 Yeah. All these journalists were there. Yeah. I was like, yeah, yeah, sure. I'll do 10 minutes at your cool awards show. And I'm like, I could probably just wear jeans to that, right? Like, it was like that episode of Louis where he shows up like a dick. And because I had seen that episode, I go, oh, I should probably, I should maybe dress
Starting point is 00:54:29 up. This could be fancy. Well, yeah, it was in a ballroom. People were wearing like gowns. It was super fancy. And I was told that Tyler Shilling would be there from Orange is the New Black Piper. So I like, I wrote jokes, you know, that I think, oh, I'm going to make fun of Piper. Maria Shriver is going to be there.
Starting point is 00:54:49 You know, I think Lisa Ling and Curry, like all these famous people. And I wrote up some jokes for all these people and, bro, I don't think I've eaten shit this hard. Really? And it was like one of those, and I bomb, everyone bombs every now and then, right? Like I ate shit to the point where I thought about it, like I talked about it with my shrink. I was like, dude, that was an embarrassing one, especially because it's like the press. Like it's all, it's like Hollywood reporter, journalists.
Starting point is 00:55:23 And I get up there, they bring me up there to a podium with like a Bob Barker microphone. It's like an old school game show, tiny, like not even a proper mic for a comic. And I was like, I'm supposed to fucking just tell jokes at a podium. Like this is a, the Bob Hope roast motherfucker. I'm a comedian. I get up, it's a huge ballroom. I mean, just maybe a thousand people and guess what they're doing while they're eating their dinners.
Starting point is 00:55:49 Yep. Not just that. They're finished dinner. They're collecting the plates and now the dessert drops and coffee is being poured, right? So nobody stops to eat. Right. You just hear, you hear noise the whole time, right? But not just noise.
Starting point is 00:56:07 They're not even looking up from their conversations. They're carrying on full conversations, eating, clicking, silver anyways, Bob, click, click. And you're like, you guys aren't even listening to me. And it was too many people for me to even control the situation. So you know, when you just say, all right, I guess I'm up here pissing in the wind for 10 minutes, Piper didn't show up. I've got jokes for her. This other guy didn't show up for the mayor, didn't show up.
Starting point is 00:56:34 I'm like, Oh fuck, all the jokes I wrote. I can't do. So then I just start talking to Maria Shriver and Lisa Ling and Ann Curry because they're all at the same table. And I just start and they're keyed in though, right? And they're the only three people listening to me are Lisa Ling and Ann Curry and Maria Shriver. And I'm like, this is amazing.
Starting point is 00:56:52 And I start talking shit to Lisa Ling about being on channel one as a teenager and then I get into doing like marriage material to Maria Shriver. I'm all, you're married, right? Oh shit. I shouldn't have said that. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. I'm all you're married.
Starting point is 00:57:06 Oh, no, I shouldn't have said that. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, totally. Like they, they were nice. Like it was a room full of talking people and then me just talking to those ladies. It's unreal. It was like the worst.
Starting point is 00:57:15 But I got to take a picture with them after they felt so bad for me. And then like five gay guys came up to me after her and they're like, Oh my God, I loved you. You're so inappropriate. Cause like I got up there, they had awards for everything. Like best obituary was one of them. Best obituary, best high school newspaper article. I'm like, you guys give awards for, yeah, that's what I basically went up and I was like,
Starting point is 00:57:36 best obituary. Come on, man. Who the fuck has to read that? And apparently I was inappropriate for corporate humor. Yeah. You're not a corporate comic. No, I got, I was told that the woman that booked me was like, she wouldn't even barely made eye contact with me.
Starting point is 00:57:51 This reminds me of the, the Carson Palmer NFL one I did. I did this years ago. We were at our brokest and I got invited. So what happened was they said, uh, Carson Palmer's having this thing and a few days earlier I was doing Irvine and he sent out like his, his, his managers like assistants to watch me and we're like, uh, cause at the time he was the quarterback for the Cincinnati bangles and they're like, this guy's from Cincinnati. So they came to Irvine, I had a great show and they were like, this is perfect.
Starting point is 00:58:25 So they, they knew what they were buying. Oh yeah. And there, and there was never any, um, problem with what I did. But what happened was they agreed that, so they go, we want you to do it. So I go to this place and it's in Orange County and it's, um, it's like a high end, it's like a sushi place, but then like, uh, they have like, um, a bar slash like, um, event area in the back. So it's, it's set up for it.
Starting point is 00:58:49 So they have like all this stuff set up and the place is packed and there's just a whole, you know, like there's a real like energy in the room. It's super loud. There's like 250, 300 people in this event area. And I remember talking to the organizer who is like, works for Carson and he's like, yeah, you know, we're excited about it. He goes, by the way, um, you know, you'll probably get invited to Cincinnati after this. And I was like, for what?
Starting point is 00:59:17 He's like, well, we'll have the, there's a golf outing that supports this. Like Carson will fly you out and he goes, I can't see him. He's like, the only way he wouldn't do that would be like, if, you know, this was like a disaster. No pressure. Yeah. And then like, he's like, but you're, yeah, you're coming to that. I was like, awesome.
Starting point is 00:59:36 So then like the room is like super loud. I mean, just packed with people and they go, we're ready to start. So you go up there, do 10 minutes to stand up and then you're emceeing the actual event, which was Carson's charity was for like abused kids hilarious. So I go up there. They introduced me. Now welcome, uh, your emcee for the event, Tom Segura, and I go up there and absolutely nothing changes in the room as in nobody stops doing what they're doing.
Starting point is 01:00:06 So I think like, Oh, I'll just, like sometimes you've done, I've done standup shows or like, Hey, show started. Right. You get people. It doesn't matter. Nothing, nothing changes. And I go, Hey man. I look over the guy.
Starting point is 01:00:17 I go, are we not like, you can't put that on me to like, yeah, you got to, you got to shush the room. Right. Like shrugs, like, I don't know. And I'm like, okay. So I'm like, how am I supposed to do standup to not like nobody listening? Like it's really hard. That's what I did.
Starting point is 01:00:34 I was pissing in the wind. Exactly. So, but I did kind of what you did, which is I found three sets of eyeballs actually looking at me. Yeah. Towards the front. So I just did stand up to them. Yes.
Starting point is 01:00:47 And it was incredibly hard and horrible and it was an incredible bombing feeling and they laughed. They laughed. They were tuned in, but 245 people were not listening. And I remember that like when I was done, I was like, I had like a panic. I was like, Jesus Christ, I ate so much shit. And then I bring up the guy who runs the charity that Carson is essentially supporting. He goes up there and is talking about like what their charity does and no one listens
Starting point is 01:01:20 to him, which is horrible. He's like, these kids come into our shelter. Why they're there? And they're like, they're just like, let me get another screwdriver. Like you're just yelling shit rude. Everybody does this up until I go like, and now Carson Palmer and bring him up. Dead silence. Everybody turns and looks at the stage that couldn't have eaten more shit.
Starting point is 01:01:42 And then guess who didn't get invited? You didn't go. You didn't go to the golf game. They never invited me to that. It's weird. Yeah. They seem like such neat guys. One of the things where it bothered me where people would go, like I'd be in the bathroom
Starting point is 01:01:55 and like someone be like, I was a tough crowd, huh? And I was like, no, it's not a tough crowd. Tough crowd would be you guys listened to me and didn't laugh. I agree. You didn't even get a chance. How do you get a chance to be a tough crowd? There wasn't even a fight. And yeah, I agree.
Starting point is 01:02:10 They don't even give you a chance to bomb because nobody even looked up from their desserts. And then they would talk through the awards as well. The host was the guy from the nanny, that nice England. He's a really nice actor, that Charles Shaughnessy or whatever. And he got up. He's like, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. And they were just like, anyway, is that chicken? Is there gravy?
Starting point is 01:02:31 And you're like, you guys are the worst. That's horrible. Horrible. Those are fucking jerks. At least the gay guys liked me. Gays always laugh at the right stuff. You know what I mean? They like inappropriate stuff.
Starting point is 01:02:41 Well, it's the fourth of the mommy and we want you to be safe, have fun, have barbecues. Don't forget, this is absolutely huge for us. The Let's Get Social shirt is out and the Theo 24-7 shirt is out. We couldn't be more excited about them. We're very, very proud of them. I gotta negotiate. Theo's right over this. Goddamn Theo.
Starting point is 01:03:09 In honor of that, on our way out, we're going to play the Theo 24-7 Ghost Crew song. Ghost Crew is like one of the huge music makers of the show. So please send them some love. Send them some support on Twitter. They're at Twitter. Their Twitter handle is at Ghost Crew, which is G-H-O-S-T, but Crew is K-R-U, Ghost Crew. At Ghost Crew, G-H-O-S-T, K-R-U. They're fantastic and they sent us the Theo 24-7 song.
Starting point is 01:03:42 Anything else, Jeans? I love you guys. Have a safe and wonderful weekend and keep your Jeans up. Keep your Jeans super high, okay? We love you. Bye-bye. Meow. You know what time it is.
Starting point is 01:03:57 I'm Theo, all goddamn day, you know what I'm saying? 24s, damn it. You cannot disrespect me. I run this motherfucking block, you know what I'm saying? I get shit done. 24s, damn it. I piss and shit where I want on everybody's yard. I don't feel nothing.
Starting point is 01:04:22 You know what I'm saying? 24s, damn it. That's a real move. Five wheel motherfucking dog. You better show your motherfucking respect, you know what I'm saying? 24s, damn it. You know, it's like cigarettes on the yard. You keep shit to trade shit, make shit happen.
Starting point is 01:04:41 You know what I'm saying, baby? I'm a dealer. I like pulling the pineapple to the big apple. I just, I get shit done. You know what, you got to give me something to get something. You know what I'm saying? 24s, damn it. It's called stepping up the game.
Starting point is 01:04:59 You know what I'm saying? 24s, damn it. I also noticed that you turned and you kicked and you moved and you were disruptive to my motherfucking sleep. Your bed is my bed and y'all keep fucking it up. I don't even understand why y'all sleep on the couch. It's a new motherfucking sheriff on the block, you know what I'm saying? 24s, damn it.
Starting point is 01:05:27 You're lucky I don't bite your jugular in your sleep. Okay, is that the way you talk to your mom? 24s, damn it. 24s, damn it.

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