Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 237-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 9, 2014

Hey YO!!!! What it do, Junior Boo Boo? It's so fun to make fun of family and we encourage you to PUSH THOSE LIMITS! If the elevator posts a weight limit, suggest to your mother/wife/son that they will break it - then point and laugh! We Bro'd down hard in the Bro to celebrate the greatest birthday ever for Country Numero UNO. Hope you got down too or at least thanked us for being the best.  Jeans In My C**T is STUCK in our heads and we hope it's in yours too. Care to hear it again? Good.  Tina and Tommy are seriously in the TV BIZ now. Will a network pick up Tom Farts in a Jar or Dog D**K Afternoon? We sure hope so (they're really good ideas).  One of our listeners actually worked for the mastermind behind Friday (not the movie) and Chinese Food (Is that also a movie?) and lets us in behind the curtain of his mediocrity. 

what up baby jeans, put your denim on, high and tight right, like J. Lennon wanna, and this will be your one and you don't like brown talk, turn the sound off, like now dawg, reviewing rated, updated weekly, doesn't smell, doesn't burn, isn't greasy, it's Christina P, main mommy, T nuts, you need to wipe down to try and clean up, no I'm saying, like FIFO take a walk with me, this is your mom's house Honestly, honestly You're myself, oh here I am Oh now you can hear yourself I'm so dumb You big stupid machine

Wow, thank you for that round of applause That was Garrett Plummer Garrett, good man That was mommy's Amazing song It's a really good song It's a really good song Garrett you're good

Guys, I would plug our July 12th Toronto Canada show, but we're sold out Sold the fuck out Apparently, apparently they're working on getting some folding chairs in there, trying to get 20, 30 people extra in there That's gonna be a mommy bonanza I'm so excited about that shit Me too I am so excited I may have to wear special Canadian jeans

That's the fucking I'm like, you know what I'm saying Guys, thank you for coming out to Brea this week if you came to see me I implore you though to make it to the Ice House August 9th at the Annex in the side room Talk about August Talk about August, yeah you know what I'm saying But hit it, hit it, hit it, hit it Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

I'm gonna do some shit, y'all ain't never seen Brea Okay, what I'm about to do is I'm gonna pull my jeans, wait a fuck I'm gonna say some crazy shit, y'all gonna hear It's a mainstream club It's for real mommy's only Don't keep it real, don't keep it 100 Time What about you, Monika?

I'm a character, I can say that I love when you have to explain it My white guilt, like it really takes over I'm in character right now, you guys I'm wearing my high definition glasses I said it as a character Please Understand how characters work

I am method acting Just kind of, you gotta understand I don't think you understand character work I mean Jesus Do you not know how characters Facilitate? Well it's big Alright, check it out

I'm very excited about Toronto this week Right before Toronto I'm in London, Ontario At the Fox and the Fiddles On Wednesday the 9th I'm at Absinthe in Hamilton, Ontario On July 10th And then after the great big Toronto Super Show

It's Hartford, aka Hartford The 17th through the 20th And then We're going to Ontario together Yes Ontario, California 25th through the 27th I'm very excited about that Together, we don't get to do that often

That was a special arrangement We were bagged We were bagged And I was all, alright I was all like, alright And then Check me out in Sacktown At the Punchline

Early August And then I go to Pittsburgh Sixburg The week after that I got the full charge in Sixburg The week after that I'm in Columbus At the Funny Bone, Ohio I got the Denim on Denim

Jeff Tate with me there And then Big Ernie's coming with me AKA Andy Erickson to Denver Comedy Works the 28th Through the 30th Of Augustus Ernie, I

Can't wait to get a full Ernie report Oh yeah How is the driving coming? I heard she's driving now Oh yeah, that's well, I don't know We'll have to ask Big Ernie what's up Big Ernie's not She's not Big Ernie

I think Ernie was bad enough for a woman But Big Ernie That's Big Ernie right there Babe No woman wants to be called Okay, guys Listen Have you considered this?

Did you know that on Amazon You can buy pet supplies I'm talking about You want to buy some fancy feast for your cat You want to go down and stuff You can buy that shit on bulk on Amazon You got greenies You get them greenies for your dog

Fifo, you like greenies? Yeah, I like greenies You love the shit out of them greenies What about Fifo, you like the food that I buy for you? Yeah, you know Nah, it's just bullshit It's bullshit I want you to get new shit

Okay, well, you know what I can Fifo on Amazon If you go through your mom's house Podcast.com You go I look like an insane person Can I post that? I look insane

Hold on, I look like Remember Mr. Furley On You can post this on 3's company And he would Pull up his pants super high And then his bump would show That's exactly how I look

Fat old man Please post that Anyway, shop using our banner On the homepage of mom's house podcast Click on that banner And you can buy all kinds of pest supplies You'll get a bird beater You know what I'm saying

You can get My eyes are bad I'm getting old as shit Fish foods, cat litters Did you ever think about that? You can get it all You can get all that stuff on Amazon And then it kicks back money to our show

I think that was the worst Plug I ever done For Amazon What do you think? Right now? Yeah, I mean I have on these high definition glasses But I feel like They're affecting my ability to think

Clearly Because I can see everything so clearly Everything's crisper and clearer I can see it at night When I'm night driving You know? They, to me If you offered me

$1,000 Prada sunglasses Or these HD vision glasses I would take the HD vision They're the shit All day, every day What do you like best to have? Hand them over Okay

Here you go Wow, you take them off It's like the world is a dollar place Yeah, the world sucks without these Why are they so chewed on? Is that Sifo? Of course that's the dog Sifo chewed on it?

Look at these They're totally mangled I didn't even notice them I'm gonna have to give them a beating At the end of the day Wow I mean right now You know what I feel like?

Whoa, I got it I feel like I'm in fucking charge right now Wow, Tommy No, describe the world to you I'm gonna do a Hold on Like a radio DJ When they're like

This is crazy Yeah, okay I just gotta post that shit up on Instagram Okay Yeah, I mean I just feel like You know This is the way This is why you see

Boner from U2 And you see Jack Mioff, Nicholson Wearing sunglasses Jack Mioff, Nicholson Why do they wear sunglasses everywhere? Because they're fucking They get this kind of vision

Everything's cooler, you know Everything's rad Everything's like, yeah I know how this is the way the world's supposed to be Yeah, I'm gonna post this on Instagram right now As we're recording So that our audience can see what we look like Yeah, I posted yours

I know On Instagram So you got yours Your Instagram is Segura Tom So people know Right, right Tom Segura is a nice kid from Britain And I'm Christina Paz

Right? Yeah, Christina Paz So if you guys want to see What your asshole mommies look like right now Oh, this is so funny You look retarded I posted a What's it called

A throwback Thursday pic last week That made it onto some blogger sauce That is one of the funniest throwback Thursdays Of the week Of the day The drunk? Yeah, the drunk fat high one I was like

Those are the best pictures That was spring break Of my Sophomore year, I think Can't remember Where were you? I was on a cruise With Casey and Justin

Where the dudes at It's funny because your lips look so soft Where the dudes at That's Casey Oh, yeah, Casey was with you Yeah I'm glad you cut him out of the photo I don't think he'd appreciate me

Yeah, I knew He would fucking cry about it So, you know Where are the dudes at Oh, I got a job, you guys I have gainful employment Oh, what if somebody Like, wants to hire me

But then they're like Why do people ask you Where the dudes are at all the time That was his big complaint He should be really honored To be the keeper of the dudes See, I feel like I'll take this This intro we're about to do

The next one with the sunglasses on Oh, wow You know what I mean? Wow Yeah, you ready to start this shit? Or what? I don't know if I'm ready I don't know if I can handle

What's about to happen Hold on, just hold on to yourself Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god Here we go Oh my god, my god, my god Oh, shit, where the fuck did this just go? Oh, you gotta be shitting me Oh my god, my god

No way My god, my god, my god Hold on, hold on No, you gotta get out of the car Why? There's a weight limit Do I fucking look fortune to you, you dickhead? Who is Randy?

Don't bring anyone loving to this Don't burn me in the fucking stand Welcome, welcome Welcome to your mom's house Whoa With Tom Segura Christina the Jitzy Christina the Jitzy

Welcome to your mom's house Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Double intensity Wow Whoa Wow, playing behind your head Behind your back Wow

With your teeth Playing with your teeth Wow Look at that Ooh, that grimace Wow Wow Whoa

Everything was so much more intense Because of the sunglasses I'm telling you, man You were, you gave me a grimace, a rock grimace You stuck your tongue out You played behind your back on that one I know You were bobbing in your seat a lot harder

Everything's better with HD vision, babe Everything's better I tell you, this is one of my favorite real life Kind of things that people do That I think is so funny To get a reaction out of somebody And in fact, this guy got this recorded Like, I love, like, genuine

This is a totally real moment Yeah But this guy's about to drive over a bridge And he's got his camera phone on And it says speed limit 35 miles an hour And then it says weight limit four tons And he goes, ah, shit, you gotta get out of the car And she's like, why?

And he goes, weight limit And he goes, do I look fucking four tons to you, you dickhead? To me, this is like my favorite real life humor You know what I mean? When people do shit like this So me, it's good Oh, grime, you gotta get out of the car Why?

There's a weight limit Do I fucking look four tons to you, you dickhead? That's great You fucking dickhead I love it, I love it I need to do that That's how you should talk to your grandchildren, by the way That's a fun elevator prank, too

You gotta go, ah, shit Yeah It's got a 2600 pound capacity You gotta get out That's a good thing to do to your mom Especially your mom Yeah I hate perotoni

Me? Me? What about you? You are much more big You get out You know what my dad would do? He'd go, ma, ha, ha, very funny Like he wouldn't even know what's happening

It's good, yeah, it's very funny, yeah Yeah, come on, come on, please, come on It's not cool Be cool These are bad jokes It is kind of a dad-boner-y joke But it's still pretty funny Yeah

There's so much to fart about Did you have a good, you had a good bray of time, right? You had a good time, didn't you? I loved braya I didn't think I would as much, you know Because you hear the word braya And you're like, bray, uh, what's in there? But, uh

Is that what you? Bray, uh, bray, uh Matt Folgeron goes, B-R-E-A Ha, ha, ha, ha Uh, it was super fun I really loved seeing the mommies It really warms my, my butthole Yeah

To know that there's mommies in the audience I had a week off You did? Yeah What have you been doing with your free time? What did I do? I mean, you know, I've been pushing weight Yeah

You know, making workouts Mm-hmm Relaxing, maxing out Stopping the yard Stopping the yard Me and Theo just kind of held down the neighborhood Right We had some good TV time, watched some shows

What have you guys been watching together? I don't know I masturbated, uh, not just in front of him But he laid on me No! Yeah Why do you do that? Didn't mean to, it just happened

It doesn't just happen I hate when you masturbate in front of our dog I told you not to do that You fell asleep, he was not interested But how do you, how do you even do that in front of him? It's like your child thing Yeah, I mean, I just told him, like, you know When dad's home, grown-up shit happens, you know

Yeah, great Yeah Um, please don't masturbate in front of our dog anymore You don't know what that's gonna do to him Somewhere down the line He's already, so, he's already an at-risk youth You know, his behaviors are unruly Yeah

He's been getting up at 4 a.m. now, demanding to go out I let him out at 4 a.m. and he just disappeared Did you let him out last night? Yeah No, you did not, did you really? I'm sorry, the night before No, because last night he got off the bed again He left

Yeah Immediately after he went to bed What is he doing? Is he collecting? Maybe he's, maybe he's collecting money from World Cup Semi-finals, yeah, are going on right now So, there's probably big bats going on in the neighborhood Yeah

Yeah Well, he was really afraid, July 4th was If you guys have animals, you know what we're talking about There is no panic for a poor pet than fireworks I can't even imagine what he hears It scared the fuck out of him Yeah A poor guy, especially coming from a bad neighborhood

I mean, it should be like any Tuesday for him But he wasn't used to those loud sounds Yeah I had to put a thunder shirt on him And we talked to him under a blanket And he cuddled up next to us He didn't like it, definitely didn't like it Yeah, he doesn't, he's not a big fan of that shit, man

No No There was that, do you have the, is this you? No There's the July 4th clip I wanted to play Or is it, let me find this real quick And at some point in this episode Can we hear my cunt, my cunt, my cunt song again?

Whenever you want I've been thinking about that one for days Really? You know when a tune just gets stuck in your head And you can't, you just can't get it out It was, it's social did that for me Yeah And my cunt, my cunt, my cunt's doing that for me

Okay, hold on one second Sure One second I'm fucking ready So, oh there's this This is a July 4th clip that I thought would be fun Yeah Especially post 4th of July

I'm on the under my running They're about to set off some bootleg fireworks Oh no Oh Jesus, Jesus, Jesus Oh Jesus, oh Jesus Christ Oh Jesus, Jesus Oh Jesus, oh Jesus Oh shit

Whoa, whoa That was awesome That was awesome right there Oh no Wow, shit Oh, oh shit Oh Lord Jesus Oh Jesus

There's a bush, there's a bush on fire now Because of that Get the water, nigga Jesus Christ Oh that mercy He's doing a character too He's a character, yeah Don't worry about it

Get the water, nigga It's going down Fire in the motherfucking bootleg fireworks Shit Oh shit Oh shit There you go Bootleg

You know what I'm saying Did you set off fireworks as a kid? Yeah Yeah I mean we got, you know, sparklers Sparklers We got bottle rockets, things like that I got an M80 one time

With some friends and we blew that shit up I could have fucking taken our hand off, man Oh, when I think about me and our pod Yeah Dude, back in the Valle when we lived in Canoga Park Yeah I'll, you know Dude, first of all Mexicans love fireworks

So Canoga Park was full of Mexicans back in those days In the 80s My dad would just get a big box of shit Just go out into the street Light some shit Yeah We lit up, we lit the fuck up some fireworks You know what I'm saying

Those fireworks, I've heard a bunch of them But they didn't really see shit this year I didn't even go look for them No, we didn't Well the full charge was over here We hung out with Matt And we left Just as the fireworks were beginning

Yeah Do you realize we did that? We ate a lot and drank a lot that day Full charge comes over at like 2 o'clock We start queuing We start drinking And then we walk over to the beach To go look at maybe fireworks

We decided fuck fireworks Let's keep drinking And then we went to yogurt land instead too Yeah And got frozen yogurt With a bunch of shit on that And then There's a lot of consumption that day

Drank more, ate more Smoked some weed Eat some cheeseburgers at midnight It's a good time It was a good day I gotta tell you You were talking about this song I also have not stopped thinking about this song

I've been playing it in my head Me too We've been quoting it to each other a lot And laughing about it And this is that OG from Max Newman And we just been loving it I don't know what's going on Cut

Cut We cut Cut I love the music Oh, that's yeah Cut We fucking cut Cut

We cut Cut We cut We cut Cut We fucking cut Cut We cut

We cut We cut Cut We cut We cut We cut We cut We cut

We cut We cut We cut We cut We cut We cut We cut We cut

We cut We cut We cut We cut That's sexy You know what it gets me? It gets me on that patriotic kind of beat Right?

Well Yankee Doodle goes to town Yeah Yeah And then I really like her screaming Yeah You like that? Yeah Really adds something

She really took a beating I haven't seen the footage You have to see it It's pretty intense Can you describe the footage to me? They put her in some type of device It doesn't let her move She's standing but bent over

Does that make sense? So she's bent at the waist Her rear is exposed And she's locked into this thing So they can have their way with her mouth Or her back So a guy's behind her pounding her And then in her mouth

And then she's like Oh my fucking god And then Yeah Yeah That is hilarious Wait, what part is the funniest to you? It's all funny

I mean there's no Yeah It's hilarious part Yeah I didn't know that I didn't know if she was being strapped down But you know she's consensual She's really down

She likes what she's doing She definitely likes what she's doing I don't like what she's doing Yeah She likes what she's doing To take it To take it Oh yeah

What's that about? Just the feeling of being helpless Oh okay She likes it I like the idea of just a cock Just controlling my Yeah See, yeah

That's what you want to come on now Give it to me You take it out of your throat I'll let you breathe It's sexy It's sexy I know but I'm probably like a little whore It's just a great hole

Yeah, you know, lots of saliva Ah There we go Very good The saliva on the cock Give it a take it What are you looking forward to most today? To men just farming on animals

Very sexy Oh my fucking cock Oh shit, my cock, my cock, my cock Ah So I know by the time I went around I started fucking your pussy It was wet Yeah

I was really enjoying myself You were Yeah That was a nice little tag at the end Yeah I like when somebody goes up You know, I know when I got around to fucking your pussy

It was really, it was nice I don't like to hear guys talk about it This is called So stupid Oh, you'll like this It's called sexually broken Yeah, that's about accurate Yeah

Man, the images from this are just neat I don't like the The stupid interviews they do in pornography Yeah What are we gonna do today? And then it's like, you know what I mean? Like, look, what are we gonna do today? I'm gonna make a thousand dollars

I'm gonna go buy that nice, you know Handbag I've been wanting to buy That's all She's not thinking about liking it I gotta send you this picture What? Let me see I gotta send, I'm sending it to you

Hold on Oh, is it really turning on? Yeah What is she gonna say? No, I'm just thinking about buying some new heels That's all the, you know what I'm saying? These hoes, they don't really I don't believe it

Um, yeah They're not interested in you, sir You don't think so? They're hoes, dude You can't trust these hoes, man You know what hoes like? Money You know what she's thinking about?

A thousand dollars You think so? Yes Most definitely Otherwise she would have a different career She would have a career I don't say she doesn't have a career I'm sorry

What is, um, what does Yoshi call them stars, right? Yoshi's always like a strong performer Strong stars Big stars She's a very strong performer He doesn't talk like that She's very good at that You know she doesn't sound like that

Yeah, he does Yeah, he does She's very good Oh, I see her Oh my god, oh my god Oh, fuck This girl is broken I'll describe it to you since my husband

Yeah So it's like an old timey Um, you know when they put someone on the block Like back in, um, the Pilgrim times You know when you see them in the stock What is that called, the stock? Anyway, that's it So her head is popping out of a wooden plank

And she's got her arms And her wrists binded That's her, that's the girl And her tits are hanging It's not a flattering look when you're Uh, on all fours And your tits hang like that, like udders It's never cute

Unless you got real fake sloppers Then they never hang You gotta give fake ones You don't think that's a good look for her? Nobody looks cute like this This is not flattering for her, no And her makeup is smeared or eye makeup She's no lipstick on

Her teeth look a little rotten I should have sent you this picture Hold on This is a better picture Oh, jeez, Louise Yeah, her tits don't look that's not good Her tits look rotten, you think? No, they look like udders

Because at any, all of ours do It's not just her It's not, it's not a sexy look It is a sexy look You gotta be cognizant of what you look like She looks, okay She looks very sexy Yeah

In this image that I'm sending you right now She's young You think so? She's really young She looks like my uncle Steve too She does not look like your uncle Steve Yeah She looks like your uncle Steve

Her nose and her eyes Kinda like, yeah She looks real dead behind the eyes though Yeah, yeah Okay, here's another one you sent me It's just titled both Okay, thank you See, that's how most of it was shot

This is so unbelievable Describe that to the listeners You know what I always appreciate? Describe it I am So she's in this stock thing, right So her ankles Are in one piece of wood

She's bent over her arms And her head are through another piece of wood And there's two gentlemen One behind her, one in front of her What's really nice about these gentlemen Is that they've kept their t-shirts on Their black t-shirts on Removed their pants

So they're wearing like Timbalands And t-shirts Yeah You know why they do that? It's a good look They're not in shape They keep their shirts on When they're kind of doughy

Hmm It's nice to keep your shoes on though On a porno set, right? That's another whole other thing, yeah You want to keep your shoes on You don't know what What you could be slipping and sliding Yeah

Wow Well, this is really exciting What I'm going to tell you right now Okay I forgot about this Do you remember a few Episodes ago We played this song

How could I forget? Oh, no It's all coming back to me Yeah Okay So this bitch is singing about Chinese food I don't know if she's a bitch

But all right Coincidentally is the name of the song Now, the same writer Of that song, same producer Also wrote And produced The very, very famous Tune called

Friday Yes, I remember this I had this in my iPod, yeah Okay And what is it? Okay So we were playing these horrific songs Right

And it's a grown man Got a message from somebody The guy that wrote them is named Patrice Wilson Okay And that was her boss Wow One of our listeners used to work

For the guy that wrote these songs You're kidding No I saw this on Twitter And I asked for more information I forgot that I got this email from her So I'm gonna read you Please

She said, hey, I tweeted you Telling you the dude who wrote Friday and Chinese food was my boss What I didn't mention Was he was also my friend's dad's BFF They wrote music and sang together And to be honest, it was pretty wack What?

Shocking, I know From the master lyricist who wrote Friday I had a CD at one point Of their music Aw And I wanna slap myself for not hanging on to it I'm so upset that she Fuck

A girl I know married his brother And moved to Nigeria where he's from And they run a church or something It was like 10 years ago But she used to work for a scam company That sold plans to get people out of debt For $500 which they ironically Had to charge with their credit card

He was my manager And would always wear like skin tight muscle shirts Of course Yeah, sometimes even see-through And he had a thick Nigerian accent I don't remember much because I was only 18 He did write me up for insubordination And eventually fired me

Then a couple years later I got a job at Sears call center And he was my manager there too What? This time he eventually got fired Not really sure why But probably because he was a really bad manager And hit on everyone

He also worked at the AOL call center Before the two that I mentioned He was always nice but super cheesy Not very bright and clearly thought Very highly of himself He's a fucking sociopath Yes Also he seemed full of shit and skeety

When I saw him rapping In Rebecca Black's video I lost my shit Wish I had something more interesting To share about him Was super excited to hear you guys Make fun of him on the podcast You guys are the best

From Washington state Liz Thank you Liz, I think you've shared All we need to know I feel like your assessment of him Pretty much confirms our assessment Which is probably not very bright

Which you said Absolutely a douchebag Complete Completely clueless The tight shirts Say no more And he wants to be The guy

I think this would be him right here This looks like The rapping in the video Oh please That was terrible Jesus You know there really is a sign of our times When people just want to be known

Even if it's for the worst thing They just want to be known It's just celebrity now It's just a shameless time to live in People have no guilt or shame about it This is crazy It's really good Yeah, that's funny

This song is so good Friday has 69 million views 374,000 thumbs up likes 1.3 million thumbs down Sounds like my stand up That was great Jesus Christ Wow

You know what I'm saying That's a bad song Chinese food He also wrote Chinese food It also has It has three times the dislikes As like God, this guy's got a talent for that

For shitty music, yeah American music and people That literally upsets people So this fucking asshole Also insisted Insisted on Let's see here Chinese food

I know he makes himself rap In this as well The same guy Patrice Here he is Oh my God Oh my Christ You're rapping?

That's called rapping now? I think it's the lyrics I'm more offended at how stupid And simplistic the lyrics are Yeah, that's pretty bad I use chopsticks to eat My potsticks Are you retarded?

I get some hot sauce Yeah, I mean the kids of Whitney High Actually made more complex music They did and we broken that shit down before You gotta be kidding me, dude This is an e-mail you forwarded me From the website from Nick He says, Christina, you know who's

Intellectually smart and also a great musician Greg Griffin, the lead singer of Bad Religion He has a PhD in anthropology And taught life science one at UCLA That's fucking cool, huh? I like Bad Religion I didn't know that, thank you For sharing that, Nick

I think that's so rare Super cool The other little music tidbit thing we find out Homeboys from, what do you call them? Mastodon Megalodon Megalodon The guys from Mastodon

At least one of them I don't know if all of them went to Shiloh High School Which is where Justin My friend Justin went to high school And I feel like one of them If not all of them were in the same grade As Justin's older brother Sean

What a small world Yeah, because Justin's Nick They used to call him Shiloh Right, I was wondering why you guys called him Shiloh That's where they went to school It all comes together I'm not saying that musicians are By definition dumb, that's not the point

I meant that they're generally Did you imply that? I hope not I'm trying to remember what stupidity I did say I think it's, they're generally not like PhDs They're not nerds that speak five languages No, not generally, but that's a fair statement

They're not nerds is what I mean Those nerds that made summertime These are fucking nerds You need to be a little reckless to make good music And, I mean, punk musicians for the most part I think are super smart You got Jello Biafraus, super smart dude What's his name?

Rollins, Henry Rollins, super smart dude There's a lot of smart guys in punk That's so much in your music You know what I mean? Rap, hip hop, it's just money Money bitches, my dick, my dick, suck it Everybody's helping us by the way To check out the new Mastodon album

Oh, I know, they just released one Yeah, we have to listen to it Yes, very exciting Mastodon I can't wait for you guys to come on our show Please come on the show, let's talk about Shilohai Speaking of entertainment, Tom I have a pitch for you Okay

For a show I've developed around you Are you ready for it? Yeah Okay It's a game show Okay Which is a little different for you I know you're not used to that

And what I'm gonna do is for an entire year I'm going to collect your farts In like jars, those like mason Not mason jars, what's the kind of jar That you could put like goods in That they stay fresh in? Okay Do you know what those are called?

Yeah, they're like jam jars Yeah Okay, sealed So for a year I'm gonna collect your farts And I'm gonna catalog what you've been eating that day And then we're gonna have a game show Where contestants come on, they open the jar They smell the fart

And then they have to tell me what you ate that day Well, how, but how would... What's the setup? Is there a stage? Is it like a live studio audience? Of course And then Of course

And then like the show opens Right And then a contestant Smell Tom's farts And then somebody gets pulled out of the audience Yeah, like the price is right They have to wear costumes And whoever has the coolest costume

You pick them Tom picks them Like you sit up there on the stage And they go, you, you come on down Kevin Like that And you too, Mary Yes, boy and a girl Right

And then they're like, hi, they're all excited And then I, then I'll be the host Are there prizes? Well, hold on I'll be, I'm the host And I go, oh, so Mary, where are you from? From Pittsburgh Yeah

Why do you want to smell Tom's farts? Well, I love his Netflix special I'm a huge fan of your mom's house Plus my husband farts a lot I feel like I could really win this game Okay Okay, Mary, good job Woo

The prize is I haven't really thought about it this far Should be cool prizes, I would think Like a cruise with you Where you, they go to buffet with you Yeah And then they can watch you eat and smell And no, they get to sleep next to you like I do

Yeah And they get to hear your morning farts like I do No, that's a neat prize Or they get to go to the restaurant with you Like we did yesterday Right And then after the meal is done You fart in the restaurant booth

Five times in a row And it smells so bad that we have to leave quickly So as to not offend everybody around us Mm-hmm That's a neat prize Yeah, I farted really, really intensely at that restaurant And that's the inspiration for my game show Okay

Because your farts do smell different Depending on what you put on So then do I just like sit on their faces and fart? How does this work? No Do I get behind a curtain? That could be for the final fart of the day But I'm saying

Oh, there's jars, these are the jars The jars, yeah, it's pre-production What was this? There's a lot of pre-production What did he eat here? Right Okay And we go different ethnic foods

We do, you know, Vietnamese food one day Yeah We do Indian curry, spicy curry Well, that's a neat pitch, I have a pitch for you too For your show Your show is called It's called Dog Dick Afternoon And what it is is

Yeah Like you see those dog walkers with like nine dogs Yeah And they're all different breeds There's like a golden retriever And there's a Yorkie Yeah And there's a lab

Yeah And there's a Frenchie All these dogs are laying on their backs And you jerk off each of the dogs Nope Right, each dog No Each dog and you collect their samples

No And then you rub their dog semen Babe Into your skin And you go You go, I feel younger every day Like that And then you just lay in the sun with dog

Come on you What is the stupidest game Should I have ever heard? The CBS This fall What do I win? Coming to CBS What do I win?

Christina Pajitzki From Chelsea Lately And Funniest Wins Starring in a new series It's called Dog Dick Afternoon I think my show Smell Tom's Farts Is way better than Dog Dick Afternoon Everybody would watch Dog Dick Afternoon

No, everybody wants to know what you ate No they don't And they want to smell your farts They've never seen Okay A nice, sweet, attractive woman Jerk off every different breed of dog I'm not jerking off dogs

Yes you are I'm not jerking off dogs That's the show Oh you can't not do the show I'm not gonna jerk Have you ever seen you go Going when we come back from this commercial Have you ever seen a poodle come?

Nobody likes your show Everybody likes the show Right now the audience is listening to this They're like nobody wants to see a dog get jerk off Bullshit There's one guy Bullshit There's one weird guy somewhere

But everyone else, nobody wants to see that People like seeing dogs orgasm Nobody likes to see dogs Yes they do That's so gross You're not hurting the dog You're making the dog feel good Yes you are

It's dog abuse It's not dog abuse To jerk off a dog It's not even legal I don't think it's illegal Why was it illegal? My idea, first of all There's a never ending supply

You're the supplier It's interesting It's cultural It has audience participation Yours is illegal It's disgusting Nobody wants to see me jerk off a dog's dick Again, one guy does

But no one else I really feel like this is not true Just consider my idea I think you should consider my idea It takes a year of pre-production So we gotta get started now Okay Well, listen to this

Back to Shiloh High School Troy Sanders is a bassist and vocalist He graduated from there And he's a member of Mastodon Megalodon Megalodon And then Kyle Sanders Who I believe is related to him

Is a bassist for the heavy metal bands Blood Simple and Medication Wow Who else went to Shiloh? David Pollock He played for the Bengals But he got hurt He got neck hurt

Oh that sucks He went to Georgia I remember that He was an upperclassman When Justin was like a freshman or sophomore That's pretty cool Yep It's a small place

Small place Shiloh Let's see what's there It's not like LA, you know Niagara There's a lot of people It's basically Atlanta I don't know how small that is

It's a tiny little town Tiny town of Atlanta It doesn't really matter It's in the suburbs Snellville Snellville Snellville Snellville

Snellville Snellville You're from Snellville You live in Snellville Your face smells Oh yeah Oh yeah Justin's brother was a cheerleader

There's no guide cheerleaders Yeah there are They're really known for that No they're not It's like stomping the yard type of cheerleaders They throw the girls up in the air And they land on their fingers They have their fingers up like this

They have their two middle fingers up And the girls land with their legs open Right over their cooch Yeah Boy It's very well known that like You land like that And then your cooch feels good

I said burr It's cold in here Remember that one There must be some clovers in my cooch Nope Oh fucking landing my cooch Oh my gosh Oh man

Oh Alright I gotta tell you cheerleading is one thing I could never get into as a As a teenager Why I thought they were the biggest nerds Just because I was like wait

I don't get this Like you guys are just cheering For the people who are doing stuff It's just a weird thing I don't get it There's a change in the way that it In the way that it evolved though It used to be just like yay

That's what they would do Right And they would go yay But then I don't know what year Or how that developed into this It became competitive And like highly athletic

Oh yes I've seen them They're like world class athletes I've seen bring it on Right I mean I love it Like when I watch that shit I'm like oh fucking Look at the athleticism

Like these bitches can do stuff They jump And fucking flip And the dudes are all yoked Because they have to be To throw people up in the air all the time It's so much work It is

And those chicks are down to fuck Right 100% Alright yeah Hey Hey Yeah Well that's

I think Just is so much work Maybe that's why as a teenager I was like nah Yeah no you don't want to do it It's a lot of work I can just stand here And smoke cigarettes

And hate everybody No I know you Do not want to do this But They are athletes for sure Wait you didn't see me do push-ups Did you see my push-ups yesterday? Holy shit

Yeah You need to do more body talk More of the Welcome to body talk I did the perfect push-up for you yesterday On the beach You didn't even compliment me on that Yeah

And you planked too They were both very impressive Yup You definitely You definitely know what you're doing Oh my fucking cut Oh shit My cut

That's a cheerleader from Auburn Great I watched his documentary about rich kids The One percent No the other one And I started that one too The first one that Jamie Johnson made

Yeah Inheriting the Johnson and Johnson fortune Yeah it's a good documentary Yeah it's on the eve of his inheritance Like where it gets pushed over to him And it's really interesting Did I talk about this on the show already? No I think so

I feel like an asshole if I did sorry But Really really interesting Like that top crowd man They really shared Different reality than we do Like they breathe different air You know you think that we're all the same

We're not It's just so much money Yeah Like you think about even like in show biz terms You think that like The numbers you hear thrown around Is a lot but it's To those people

This would be like I'm saying people who make real money In show business Would be poverty Yes For the upper 1% Well I once had this great history teacher Tell me there's a few ways to make money in America

You're either born into it You inherit it Or you lie, cheat and steal Like to be I'm talking Really really really wealthy And for the most part That's what these motherfuckers did It's like they all made their money

Bootlegging You know Making booze back when the booze was outlawed Railroading Whatever the fuck They're savages Monopolizing industries They're pieces of shit

And then they The piece of shits give their money To generations after generations It's amazing Keep it in the family But what I found Some of them They're not all bad people

I'm not saying that That kid seems like a Super sweet I like I would like to even hang out that kid And there's this other boy Who's very sensitive And his family owns like

The train station Grand Central Station And amongst a million other things He seemed really sweet to you What was the point fuck Oh oh oh But What's interesting is that

They all feel slightly worthless There's this tenor of like Because I'm just giving all this money I feel so worthless That's a very healthy thought though It's super healthy You should feel that way Because what did you do

You didn't do anything Because you were just born There's no motivation Right Yeah There's no incentive to become someone Yeah Yeah

And especially like When you know the safety net Is that big and it's there Yeah There's not People do things Because of the reality Of the real world pressure

Of like No one's here to take care of me If I don't do something Yeah and necessity I have to Necessity dictates That you do things Of course

Like that girl The my con my con my con girl Yeah She didn't She probably Was like I need to buy heroin today I gotta buy my cocaine

Let's not take it What if she's just Let us say she just wants turkey I need turkey I gotta buy slices of turkey to Yeah How am I gonna make this money Right

Let's see I could A. Get a job at Starbucks Or B. Put my head Hands and feet into Two wooden planks And have two guys rail me

From either side From either end Wearing Timbalands and T-shirts Mmm Mmm That's thousands Gonna come away quicker this way But see necessity

And that's why She gave us a gift She gave us a gift And what happened with that gift That gift Led to What The best song ever

The best song ever So and then you have You have her Yeah Need to have turkey sandwiches And turkey slices Leads her head Into going into a board

And then Yeah Her board Talks it Makes her Scream about her cunt And then Her cunt

Leads it all Is connected And then there's Great music that comes out of it Art Cut, we cut, we cut Genesis so great art Oh, my fucking cunt

Cut, we cut, we cut Cut, we cut, we cut Cut, we cut, we cut Cut, we cut, we cut It's done, it's done, it's done It's patriotic too, I like that Cut, we cut, we cut Cut, we cut, we cut

The words are easy, you can sing along Cut, we cut You gotta work on that scream though Cut, we cut, we cut Cut, we cut, we cut Cut, we cut Cut, we cut We cut

We cut Now here's the dance part Everybody's feel good Cut, we cut Cut, we cut We cut We can doggie to this We cut

We cut Hehehehehehe Teach me teach me how to doggie 00:49:21,000 --> 00:49:23,000 It's sexy Teach me how to randle But now you see how the world's connected Yes!

And if you hadn't watched that documentary Yes! I don't think this would've come to Light for you No! I bet if we put Max Newman's My country My country song What's it called, broken sex?

Uhmmm Broken something broken sexual Oh, right We put Max Newman's Sexually broken Sexually broken Up against This awful Chinese food song

I bet you Max Newman's song Oh no, his song is called Uh jeans in my cunt Urrrrrrr Hehehehe Jeans in my cunt is an infinitely better song Than the Chinese food song Wouldn't you say?

A hundred thousand million billion times better Like, I could even hear my Um, what is it? Do you know people can hear you Chewing on your fingernails? It's fine Jeans in my cunt I would hear that on the radio

Wouldn't you love to hear that? I would turn that up and bump it As loud as the system goes, yes You know, I was so happy last night Driving home from Brea There was like on my new wave Station on channel 33 on Sirius They were playing goth music

For like an hour, like dark wave I'm like why don't they play good music All the time on the radio You know, cause you never hear your music They only play like, you know Do you hear your music a lot on the radio? No I feel like they don't play the shit that I like

Like, why isn't there a radio station That plays Max Newman's my cunt song Jeans in my cunt The big songs people really want to hear Yeah, that's true There should be a Jeans in my cunt track But playing on X on Sirius Yeah

Oh, that's a greasy e Good music Good songs Mastodon, Megalodon Megalodon, the spinoff group From Mastodon Yeah Bad religion

Black flag Apparently, you know, when we played those Coach Tyre I think there should be a station Just of coaches and really yelling People That's a great idea I would listen to that

That's a great just motivator On the way to work Or to a workout Yeah Something like that Poetry slam This is a famous one that Never heard before

And the guy's pretty fucking upset Do you want to hear it? Yeah, of course I'll tell you one fucking thing I hope we get fucking hotter than shit Just to stuff it up to 3,000 fucking people To show up every fucking day Because if they're the real Chicago fucking fans

They can kiss my fucking ass Right downtown and print it They're really, really behind you around here My fucking ass What the fuck am I supposed to do? Go out there and let my fucking players get destroyed every day And be quiet about it For the fucking nickel dime people to show up

The motherfuckers don't even work That's why they're out at the fucking game They only go out and get a fucking job And find out what it's like to go out there In a fucking living 85% of the fucking world's working The other 15 come out here Fucking playground for the cock suckers

Rip them motherfuckers Rip them cocked cock suckers Like the fucking players This is awesome This is the former Chicago Cubs manager AKA coach Lee Alia Crystalia?

Crystalia This is Crystalia before he did stand up He was a baseball coach He was around 2 I believe when he had this job So yeah Here's more Got guys fucking their fucking ass

And that's fucking people too And that's the cock My fucking ass They talk about the great fucking support That the players get around here I haven't seen it this fucking year I love when a guy says cock suckers I think it's such a funny one

Yeah, cock suckers is old school I like motherfuckers A motherfucker is always a good word too Yeah A bunch of slap dicks That's actually my all time favorite Yeah Yeah up there

Well like a bunch of slap dicks That's Rex Ryan That's Rex Ryan, yeah Yeah Playing grab ass The name of the game is hit the ball Catch the ball And get the fucking job done

Yeah Right now We have more losses than we have wins The fucking changes that have happened In a couple organization are multi-fold Alright They don't show because we're 5 and 14 And unfortunately that's the criteria

Of them some 15 motherfucking percent To come out to date baseball The other 85% are earning a living It'll take more than a 5 and 13 Or a 5 and 14 To destroy the makeup of this club I guarantee you that There's some fucking pros out there

To want to fucking play this game I don't know He's really going off the line What is he talking about? Really enjoying it A lot, a lot, a lot Hmm Huh

I like that a lot Yeah Your favorite one Let's see if we can find that one Okay You've been talking about it My god, my god, my god You see it

I think this is it Yeah Do what we do You can win Redskins, fuck them That's a different guy Talking about who they're going to play Sports, we're talking about a game

You guys know me Talking about practice That I'm about as positive a guy As there is I believe our team's better than Every fucking team in the league I believe our players are better Than any players in the league, right?

Those are true statements That's how I believe But the team's only going so far If I'm the only guy that leads The team is only going so far I'm not a great leader Okay I'm not a great leader

I can't lead myself This whole group of men We ain't gonna win, guys If it's about me I'm sitting back waiting For us to understand The team that we said we were gonna be What the hell are we waiting on?

What are we waiting on? Do you want it or not? Do you understand there's a price to pay? Can we have fun? You're damn right I demand that we have fun There's a difference between Having fun and being a jackass

Our defense was a jackass When we went to Hofstra Eating a bunch of fucking cheeseburgers Before we go stretch and all that That's being a jackass You can be a world champion But not like this We won't win it

We'll sit back and say Why didn't we do it? We didn't do it because Where were our fucking priorities? How about our offense? When are we gonna put it together? When are we gonna put it together? Can we not run the ball

Down there throws every snap Can we not throw it Anytime we wanna fucking throw it? Let's make sure we play Like the fucking New York Jets And not some fucking slap dick team That's what I wanna see tomorrow Do we understand what the fuck

I wanna see tomorrow? Let's go to eat a goddamn snack Yes! That's my favorite Like a goddamn slap dick team Let's go get a goddamn snack Let's get a snack Let's get a goddamn snack

You know he lost a bunch of weight I know, I don't like him then The first comment under this video is I want the fat Rex back Me too Why? Rex Ryan's one of those dudes And I think there are just guys out there

That look better with some meat on their bones But he's much healthier Yeah, I don't find him as attractive I like meat I love meaty bears, obviously Shit, you married one You know what I'm saying? He was way big, he was huge though

I know, I like him I like big dudes, I don't like But he was like 350, I mean Jesus Christ I think it's really cute, I just I love it, I absolutely love big guys You know that John Goodman thing Is not bullshit I really did love John Goodman

I still do I find him very attractive I saw somebody else post that online Randomly, I just It was a picture of him And girls were commenting under it Like, not gonna lie, still have My crush from him on Childhood

Is still alive Oh, I love John Goodman Right, but I'm saying I actually saw other women Making the same comment, I've never heard it before Yeah, for me it's definitely Just aesthetics, I don't I really like Beefy dudes

You've met him, right? Yeah, of course, yeah Yeah, in the late 80s, early 90s And Nice, super like the best The sweetest, the best, the awesomest But far, he's so funny too He's great, he is a tremendous actor

He's shown that he's like Really, really, really good Yeah, dude Every movie he's in, every show he's in He nails it, always is good Yeah, I like really big, tall men too There's something like You feel safer with bigger guys

Yeah I feel like, you know, you can Trust them to fucking Tear someone apart for you Remember when we watched Flight And he was the drug dealer for Denzel Oh, he's amazing He was so good at that

He's amazing He just brought in all his cocaine and shit He had the ponytail He was such, he was so believable As that guy Plus John Goodman could kill you With his one hand too He's a bear

He's a fucking grizzly bear like you I like to feel that You could end my life at any moment too The fear The fear and the safety at the same time The push and pull with bears, that's what I like Really excited About our new bed situation coming up

So what's the, what's the dealio? We're getting the bed tomorrow It's coming Right, and it just so happened that it It's right after we got a message So we went ahead and ordered A bed Cause we just knew we needed it

We needed it and now we were Listen, I'm so sorry And the minute we order it No, no, I'm sorry Like a week, now we're getting a letter For an email from a bed company Saying that they'd be willing to give us A free one

And I'm like, no, we just I know It's literally like a tomorrow Cause we were impatient I'm sorry, but we couldn't do it another day Man, it's summer, we're sweating It's the dog, it's a bear And I mean, every night you sleep on your back

And you put your arm up And then your elbow hits me in the face It's, I'm feeling sore every morning now too My back's killing me It's like breaking me down, yeah We're done Sorry, I'm so sorry We're done, we're done

We're done and it's a new day Tomorrow's going to be a whole new day, dude I'm really excited about it I can't believe we waited this long to get a bed I can't believe it What, you think ten years is a long time? And that mattress is older than ten It's kind of upsetting to think about, actually

I don't even want to think about it It's disgusting It's making me mad I inherited that from a comic I don't want to fucking talk about it Who knows where? Please So upset after you told me that

That's the day I was like, order the new bed now I know What the fuck is wrong with you? How do you not bring that up? Because I tried to, I blocked it out of my own God damn it You know, we had other priorities the last few years No

Podcasts, equipment, stuff, a couch We're just, we're growing up We gotta get grown up stuff Alright, well I'm so excited The bed is happening now Alright, I love you Let's go get some new sheets, man

Alright, let's prepare for the new bed Thanks for listening, guys We love you, mommies Love you, bye jeans Take care of your cunts Take, oh my You