Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 238-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 11, 2014

It's your mom's house!

That's how you know what you drink tasted good, cause you go, I'll do it again on drinking coffee. That's ridiculous. There's no need to do that. People likes it. He's looking at me right now. He's sitting on my lap. Completely ridiculous.

Well look, it's... Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday. I'm so fancy. There you go again with that shit. Do you like my song? No. It's from Alan Tokyo. Peep this.

Ontario, you had me the last couple days and... Wait, oh London, Ontario. Yeah, and Hamilton. I mean, in California. Jesus Christ. And Hamilton, but the big mommy showdown is going down tomorrow, Saturday, 12th, and we are really excited. We are sold out.

All we've been told is that there's a maybe possibility that walk-ups can, if there are still some seats, we'll be able to get them, but everything online. Everything online is sold to F. Out. Now. Hell. I keep that train moving. I get on my helichopter.

You don't have a helichopter. I'm going to have one. Well, let's talk about it. I'm going to fly a helichopter. Where are you going to fly your chopter? Just all kinds of places. Okay. And then check this shit out, yo.

Nobody needs S-H-I-T words. I go to Fartford, aka Hartford, funny bone, July 17th to the 20th, Ontario, California with the jeans machine, the 25th through the 27th, the punchline in Sacktown, the 31st of July, through Augustus 2nd, then Sixburg, Pittsburgh, I'm going there, the 7th through, what is it? The 7th. It's a nice pens. Through the 10th.

Yeah. Then I keep, I work so much in, what? Hold on. Hold on. Wow. Did you register? I hope they didn't hear it. Can I finish my dates?

Please. August 15th through the 17th, Columbus, Ohio, Jeff Tate, Big Ernie, aka Andy Erickson, Comedy Works, 28th through the 30th, and that's that. Then in September I keep it real. I bought those. What are you doing with that? I'm opening them. Why?

Because I like these pens. I like to use one one day. They're mine. I'm down to because we haven't bought pens in years. I'm down to like hotel pens in my back, in my, the only way I have pens is if I steal them from hotels. I don't remember giving you one of those. Hey, we're married.

I know. What's your stuff is mine and what's mine is mine. Everybody knows that's the rule. All right. You can have one. I'm going to take five. No. Are you going to plug your shit?

We got a show to do, man. What are you doing? You're so grumpy to me today. I love you. August 9th, guys, I think I was trying to get comfortable with his head on this desk for a baby. August 9th, you guys, Ice House, Pasadena, Pasadena, California, come and support me. I'm in the annex in that small room and I really want you guys to come.

I have a 730 and a 930 show. I'm really going to pull my jeans up. This is for real mommies only. Are you a real mommy? Prove that shit. You want to talk some shit? August 9th, 730 and 930, buys tickets on your mom's house podcast or Christinacomedy.com. Damn.

Talk some shit, man. Talk some shit. That was intense. You know what I'm saying? That was really intense. I didn't expect that to go down like that. You want to talk some shit? I'm like, you know what I'm saying?

Please visit the new and improved, your mom's house podcast.com. Here's what's there right now. There are a bunch of clips we keep adding to it. If you listen to the show and you want to see the origin of some of the clips that we play on the show, we've been adding to that bank that's already there. I just put the clip up of you rapping as a young child. Oh, Jesus. About God.

Jesus is the man. Yeah, that's great. I just put up Cain's latest thing about the dogs eating a vegan diet. He really doesn't like that. Hates them. Somebody hit me back on Twitter, so he tagged a dog owner that has two vegan dogs and she's like, I have the healthiest dogs in the whole world, but I want to make, I would love for her and Peter to have a conversation.

You dumb shit of vegan diet. You dummy. You're not. You're not very smart. Fucking dummy. Do you see a dog? The dog has teeth to have eat meat. You idiot.

Eating meat. Dumb shit. I love, I just love his disdain. His hatred for humanity really gets me going. And if you're giving your dog a vegan diet, what the hell is the matter with you idiots? What is the matter with you? You want to give them a bunch of chemicals because that's what's in it because they need a ton of vitamin B12.

That's not going to, they're not going to get B12 from a plant source. You dumb shit. You dumb shit. So angry. I wish everybody talked about dogs like that because I share his passion. I agree with him on a lot of stuff, man. Yeah, it's great. It's great.

Um, guys, also check out, we have dropped our Theo shirts. Theo 24 seven has dropped. It's on the website as is. Let's get social shirts. Um, they're awesome. They are fantastic and they are fucking moving. So definitely check those shits out. And Theo, we haven't really worked out a deal yet on what his cut of the pie is.

He really fucking wrote us. Yeah. Man, last night he sat me down. Yeah. He poured me a drink and he was like, we need to talk about these percentages. What? He did. Yeah.

Yeah. He tried to get me to sign. Come on. Yeah. He tried to get me to sign something that said he gets 85. We get 15. He is out of his mind. What is this?

Like he's playing both sides of the fence on this too. Like. Oh, he's playing mom against dad. Yeah. Yeah. Dad. He said, you signed off on a guy. I need to talk to her first and he just signed this.

My sign didn't know paperwork with Theo. I don't, I don't know. He, you know what? He's like an agent. He's with no work. He's no better than an agent. This guy, yeah, yeah. I don't see even hold a pen.

How does he type? I don't know. How does he even type? Um, a couple of other things. Please shop through our Amazon banner. Uh, it's at your mom's house podcast.com. All the regular shopping you would do on Amazon, you do it through our banner. It helps the show.

Uh, we also very much appreciate if you support our sponsors. You ready to get busy? You don't even love Theo like I love Theo. Yeah, no, I definitely don't love him. I love him so much more than I love you. Yeah, me too. Ready? Yeah.

Yeah. That's so gross. That's so gross, babe. What I taught about you, what I taught about you, door, door, door. You're a scum. What I taught about you, I taught you a naughty boy, a very naughty boy. We go back to China, I'll have a lot of fun. Oh, that's pretty crazy.

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. No mom in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura, Tom Sutsu, and Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Wow. To your mom's house. Wow.

Wow. Wow. You're conducting the orchestra today. Oh, violins, everybody. Explosions higher, yes. Look at you. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Whole new, whole new technique. You conducted the orchestra like Gustavo Dutimo. Yep. You showed all the instruments. The thing is, I don't plan this shit out. People are like, oh, you know, did you rehearse that?

No, I didn't fucking rehearse it. You know, when the oboes need to come in, you know, when the cellos need to come in, you know, when the harps need to do their thing. You see it, my eyes closed and I just, it takes me. I don't control the music. A lot of people think I do, the music controls me. Right. You really feel those explosions and the beats.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, it still grew in premiere. That's right. That's right. Tom, let's talk about the telechopter idea you've had now. So, for a long time, I've wanted to get a private pilot's license, right?

Oh. And what's up? I took a flying lesson in a Cessna, a few years back, a tiny little single engine plane. It was fun, but I've always really liked helicopters.

And I feel like it's more accessible. It's a great city to fly a helicopter in. You have the coastline if you want just beauty. You have city if you want to go like downtown area.

And there's going to be times where I know it's going to come to be a benefit to be able to fly a helicopter in heavy traffic. And so what I'm looking into is getting my private pilot's license for helicopters. Okay.

Right. And how much of an investment roughly is the cost? Roughly $13,000. Yeah. That's not that crazy. Yeah. Yeah.

We have other priorities. I mean, we could pay our taxes or you could do your helicopter dream. Are we going to buy a helicopter though? No. Oh, why not? I mean, you may as well go full out.

Because you can lease them just like you lease a car. Okay. And then you just go to the helicopter port, helicopter port. And then you check one out, like you sign out, like you're checking out a book at the library, put your name down. I'd have my least one. I just go down to the helicopter

hangout. It's called. Yeah. And then you just, you go . . . And I fly it and I go like, look everybody on the 405. I do like that idea. I'm not opposed

to that idea. I'm afraid of you dying. Yeah. I mean, you can die doing a lot of shit. Yeah. It's not a good argument. I mean, you can. Yeah. It's kind of a weak argument. Like, well, you can, you know, you can get AIDS having sex with everybody is, you know, I think,

you know, I have an uncle that died in Hungary. He was a pilot for many years. Yeah. I'm not worried about that guy. Yeah. He was very professional as he did it for a living and he just crashed one day. I know it can happen. Hungary and it can happen. I mean, I'm not like, you know,

trying to die, but you know, if it happens, you know, God bless. Yeah. Leave me behind just a dog and dog bomb. Fly around the city. I could fly to places like Brea Ontario.

I could fly to Vegas. We love Vegas. I mean, we're always there. You and I are like, where we got party this weekend? Eventually, see what I want to do eventually as I want to, you know, progress and then in a few years

I want to fly high speed helicopters. A high speed like helicopters that go like 300 miles an hour, 350. Right. Okay. Yeah. Awesome. Cool. Go to San Francisco in an hour. You know what I'm really interested in? What?

I know you're going to make a ridiculous person right now. No, it's not. I'm just saying I've really been for years. I've really wanted to do this thing called chumming where I go I buy like chum from the local fishermen and I hang fish

bits and chum on me and then I just swim around the Pacific Ocean to see like what happens. What sharks might bite me when it, but it's just it's for fun. Shark bite this weekend in Manhattan Beach.

Manhattan. Dude's off the pier. No, that was happens. No, it was every day. Every day someone gets eaten in Los Angeles. You don't hear about it. Those dolphins are eating people. A completely ridiculous

completely ridiculous scenario. Here's what happened in that. A guy on the pier had a shark on the line for over an hour. You're kidding. So he was trying to reel in a shark and they were fighting it, fighting it. Meanwhile, these people that were fighting for long distance swimming were swimming

towards the pier had no idea and basically one swim near the shark that was held on the line for an hour. So it's such fuck. Yeah, it's an outrageous you know bad luck for that guy. He's he's alive. You know, I think he got bit somewhere in the torso

but he's fine. Yeah, I watched that movie about that girl. The surfer girl whose arm got bitten by a great white in Hawaii and she went back to surfing. Yeah, and she's like I'm still going to do the thing that caused me to lose my arm. Like if that happened to me, I'd be like, I'm done.

Yeah, stop surfing. It's a good thing she held on to those tits. Right? Well, half of one, half of yeah, I mean otherwise. Without an arm, you're fine but those tits just gonna bang you now, sweetie.

You gotta you gotta have multiple joys. Okay. It's like multiple joys. Oh, Jesus. You know, I've never had a shark scare of you.

Uh, no. No. You've had a shark scare. Oh, God. Yeah. I need this chair. I'm sorry. Multiple choice. Two questions.

Okay. I've never had a shark scare before and I swim in the oceans a lot. I've swims in the oceans a lot. I swim with nurse sharks. They're cute and adorable. Nurse sharks. Yeah. Where? In the keys. Huh.

Are you being serious now? Yeah, in high school. Yeah, we went out with like the you know, marine biologists and they're like, yeah, you can just pet them. You can they don't fuck with you. They have really rough skin. So if you bang up against them, you'll you'll cut open. No.

That's terrible. A bunch of assholes one time. Yeah, they're called asshole sharks. Yeah. Well, one time on road rules, we got a day off and we got to go to this island. I was on road rules. You're eating and cooking on the show right now.

Yeah. People can hear you chewing and putting your dirty hand in the back and the rumbling. They like wrestling. I think it was called Morton Island. Yeah. When she wrestled the back. So loud.

Okay, so I'm listening to my story. It's a cool fucking story. Jesus Christ. Bro, bro, we went sand dune surfing. Okay, that was like the coolest shit ever. And there was like dangerous snakes everywhere. But no one gave no one gives a fuck because I was in Australia and then I got to feed dolphins. Or as my family says,

dolphins because they can't say the word. I got to feed dolphins with my fucking bare hands, bro. You stand there on the shore. You put fish in your hands like this. Okay, like a fist. You make a fist with the fish hanging out of it. And then the dolphin comes right up to you, dude.

Chomps that fish right out of your hand. It's kind of terrifying because they do graze your hand with their cute little mouse. And you're like, oh, I might lose a finger, because dolphins are fucking rad. They can bite your finger off? Yeah, of course. It's a wild animal still, you know. Like they're used to humans.

So you hold the fishy up? You hold the fishy like this on your fist. And then it comes up and it goes... It goes what? And then it takes the fishy out of your hand. How cool is that, huh? Yeah, that's pretty cool. I love dolphins.

Don't you love dolphins? Yeah, they're the best. In the wild, they're known to protect people sometimes that are underdressed. They're the best. Speaking of animals, let's change up the speeds a little bit. Now, you

had a big Hollywood meeting today. I did. In the Hollywood meeting, you pitched dog dick afternoon. Tell us how it went. Tell us how it went.

Hold on, hold on. Yes. I don't like it. I don't like dog dick afternoon. It's a great Hollywood. It's a Hollywood idea. It's going to make a million bucks. A billion, five billion dollars.

I've been thinking about it. I've been really considering dog dick afternoon. I'm still morally opposed to it. Why? I don't like the premise, Tom, and I did not pitch that idea today. That's really disappointing. The whole time, I was looking forward

to getting back here and talking about that dog dick afternoon pitch. Wait, seriously, though, because people are always like, we want to do a show with you guys. And what if we were like, guys, Tom and I, we've thought about it. We have the show.

We do have the show. No, and then I say it's called Fart Jar, where Tom farts in jars for an entire year, and you have to smell the fart in the jar and then tell me what he ate. You don't like fart jar? Over dog dick afternoon.

Dog dick afternoon is a game changer. For you, for dogs, for viewing audiences, and for television. This could be you, but this could be you, but you're playing right here. I want to talk a little bit about the white tiger's practices. I've played white tigers for about a year.

In the oral sex tradition, there's a lot of things, like for example, we have a technique where you're really sucking deeply the penis. You can do this with dog dicks. Babe, nobody wants to do that. Yes, they do, and they want it to be done

with different breeds of dogs. That's the pitch. That's the hook. Wait a minute. I thought dog dick afternoon was that I gave the dogs hand jobs. Right, but it can progress. Now you're changing the pitch. There's 22 episodes in a season. You're just going to give handies the whole time?

You got to step it up. Tom, I'm not going to, first of all, I'm not giving dogs hand jobs. Fuck, man. We need to talk about this. I'm letting this song play. We've got to figure this shit out. We're doing dog dick afternoon. I don't see how much I love animals.

I wrote a song about them. I can't do this to animals. I love animals, Tom. I'm not doing dog dick afternoon. You have to do it. This is a good song. This is how many different animals I incorporated here. I'm a really talented musician.

I love dog dick afternoon. What is it going to take for you to do dog dick afternoon? A lot more than what you're offering right now. What will you give me to pitch dog dick afternoon? You're serious? Well, let's get fucking serious right now. I'm totally serious. Let's get real.

I will take you chumming next week. As many times as you want. You can make your period as I'm chumming too. That's up to you. Double chum. I know you can force it when you want. Double jack. I know you can make yourself have your period anytime.

That is my superpower. You're very gassy today. Tell me about your shit that you took. Which one? Well, let's go through it all. First of all, you have to play the alarm because people get all fucking crying. I know.

You like that? It still makes me smile. It still makes you smile. Tell me about your brown. First of all, we got the coffee maker. The old school Italian one. We didn't even discuss this on the show yet. That is major news.

It's OMG. Listen, Tom and I took a yuppie trip down to Bed Bath & Beyond yesterday and we lost our fucking minds. We got extra big beach towels. What was the primary reason to go there? I forget even now.

The primary was to get sheets. Holy shit that we go overboard. You always do at Bed Bath & Beyond because that place is heaven on earth. Yeah, that was nice. We got a trash can which we desperately needed because our smells like shit. Dude.

Then you got the old school coffee maker that my mother used to use. There's French press but this is OMG. This is the one where you fill the bottom up with water. There's a shittletater that you put coffee grinds in

and then you screw that on to the top. You put it on an open flame. You put it on a burner. Then the flame makes the water in the bottom go through the filter and hot water hot coffee pours into the top portion

of this thing. It's the white lightning. Makes you want to stab somebody. Yeah. It gets you up and it goes. It gets you fired. Now my mother drank that kind of coffee her whole life.

She says she would say every morning I drink a double espresso and then every night a double espresso and I'm like well no wonder you're crazy bitch. The bitch was fired first of all she had kind of a cantankerous personality

in the first place. I'm trying to be generous here and then she gets fired up on two doubles twice a day. No wonder nobody likes you. That's straight up heat. Nobody in the family likes you and I can't even imagine

what kind of shits my mother was taking. Big ones. So let's talk about your coffee this morning. Tell me about that dump. It was like it wasn't all systems go alarm

but it was like there's no turning back. The door was opened and you could see that you can't close it anymore. So it was like once I felt the button push it was like hey you might as well

head that way. But it was very healthy. It was a full five or something. No three or four. And it was horrendous.

It was disgusting. When you have the urge to make a bowel movement you can often delay it. Yeah no there was no delaying. For about I would say an hour. Like you'll be like oh I gotta take a dump and then you'll just sit there and watch ESPN

for another 40 minutes. And I'm like didn't you have to shit? And you're like oh yeah I still have to. You're calm. But it's neat that you said that this dump you had to take. I had to go. I had no turning back.

I went, felt good, got some work done. Then I went to meet that Hollywood personality. I met show business at a breakfast place.

We had Brecky Times and I'm telling you I had another coffee because just by you know what's it called just the habit of asking for coffee I said I'll take a coffee and I was like I don't need another coffee

after that rocket fuel. Right I mean how much coffee should you you shouldn't drink with that much during the day right? No it was okay. Can I have a sip of your water? I'm a little thirsty. No I'm good. No may I please have some of your water? No I heard you and I said I'm good.

This is why I don't bless you when you sneeze by the way. It's punishment for moments like this. Go ahead. The listeners are wrapped in attention I mean. I sat down I had breakfast. We had momlets but it was a little greasy

okay. What kind of momlet was it though? Like veggies? It had spinach, mushroom, tomatoes and it had some cheese too. But you know a lot of veggies. I'm telling you. I just made like with too much butter I think and you know.

Anyways You went to a real high class place for your showbiz meeting. It wasn't like a shitty diner. It was a beach diner place. Okay. So anyways I'm telling you we're trying to wrap up our conversation I go

I gotta get up and I just went to the bathroom and somebody was in there. It's a single stall. Oh that's tell on her. And then I got in there. That one wasn't good. Oh Oh

Damn Yeah So Wait wait did you tell the guy that you were meeting with that you had to He knew. Because isn't it kind of a it's okay between dudes to be like

I don't know you but I got a shit. He's the kind of dude I could tell. I didn't tell but he knew. You just had those hungry eyes. He could yeah. He saw the emergency on my face. Because I was like ah here's my car and he was like no I got it and then I was like

I'll be back in a little bit. Yeah you're not one that can disguise your shit face. It was really intense. That one was super intense. Yeah. Like when we were eating we wanted the coffee being the other day

and you scuttled off in a hurry too before we went to bed. What's really neat about you which is really neat about us is a couple you always do this to me. Is that when we go somewhere? Like we sit down like when we just sit down to a restaurant

and like the menus are being given it's either right when the menus are placed down or the food is just shown up you decide to shit and then you leave me there alone for like 15 minutes. And the waitress is like

oh is he coming back? I have to be like yeah I know he's making a phone call. Making a phone call. You abandoned me. Yeah. It was pretty intense. Did you fart again?

Yeah. Oh my gosh. I had poop soup today. Jesus. So the second balm of the day wasn't good. How was the clean up on that? What was that? Even Fivo was startled. Someone breaking into our house?

I don't know. You want to look? I think you should look. You're bigger than me. Peek your head around the corner. I'm scared. What if it's somebody trying to kill us? You look. Alright I checked it out. And are we going to get killed? Not sure.

What do you mean not sure? I don't know. That's it? That's it. What do you mean protecting you? You're supposed to go to the baseball bat and kill whatever's out there. There's nobody there. Alright.

What are we talking about? Shits. So okay the second balm movement and then That was the third one. Right there. That was the one that I had here. After dinner, after my dinner

which I take kind of personally I take offense to that. I fed you and then you have to share right away. It was a sloppy. It was pretty sloppy. It's not my dinner because my stomach feels fine. I think it was the lunch still. You're still working that out.

What I think is really neat about you too is that sometimes when we go get Japanese food for lunch in that bento box and you know that the tempura gives you diarrhea but you still order it. Tastes good. What do you think that is?

You know it's going to make you sick and then you're like I'm just going to go ahead and do that. You really want to know? It's probably it's simple but it's also very direct and it's a philosophy.

Oh okay. Tastes gooder than a bitch. Tastes gooder than a bitch. It does taste gooder than a bitch. I love that tempura. It's not even a lot. It's not a lot. It's delicious.

It doesn't give me diarrhea. I didn't have it though. This last time. The hungry roll gave it to me so we stopped ordering that. Because that was a lot. Big shits came after that. Hmm.

That is neat. Thank you for that. You had a healthy bowel movement today? Well today this morning I don't know what happened. It was drier than usual. Usually I eat a lot of veggies. I didn't eat enough vegetables

yesterday and I had a harder time which is why I made poop soup today. I went to Traders Joe and I got a punch. How has that affected you? I'm gassy. But hey, that's how it goes. You've also been sleeping with butt plugs in. I have.

I never did butt plugs until about two weeks ago. You gave them to me. I put two in each night. I noticed that you like it every time I go tell me, give me the butt plugs. You always giggle. It makes you happy when I ask for them.

Is butt plugs not ear plugs? Yeah, because it's fun. It's a fun time. I just picture you putting them in your butt to go to sleep. Somebody had to do that. Oh no, someone's doing it right now. Someone sleeps with butt plugs. It really loosens up your asshole.

Do you know that? Yeah. Isn't that why people use butt plugs? It's like gauges for your butt. Yeah, your butt hole is tight. Instead of your ear lobes, your butt hole opens up. That has to be problematic with bowel movements though. How do you loosen your butt hole

and then the poo falls out? Not a good idea in my book. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. Now, the opening clip was pretty crazy. It may have been confusing. A woman, a native Australian woman.

Excuse me, not native. A white. Yeah, native implies that she's aboriginal. But this woman is on the train and it says she's Australian.

Is she not? Yes. She's on the Sydney... Australian. Good eye, mate. So, she gets crazy racist and there's a follow up on it too, but I'll let her do her talking.

It's pretty wild. Obviously, she was being crazy rude before someone's camera phone started rolling. But it's worth listening. You shut your mouth. You shut your mouth. You shut your mouth.

Because they're bloody... I'm gonna get them off the stage and you're gonna get charged with assault. So, right now, someone on there is telling her that she's gonna be charged with assault. Oh, my God. I don't know. So, let's see what else she has to say. Assault, yeah. What am I touching?

Yeah, you're asking. I'm sorry. The edits in it, like sometimes it goes silent they're done within the video. Yeah, that's great. I can do video too. I can do video. I can do that too. He's too lazy to jerk off.

He can only get a gook. He can't even get a regular girlfriend. It's so sad. He's gonna get a gook. Oh, my God. What did you talk about? I talked about this here. I talked about you. What I talked about you.

So, now you hear everybody go like, oh, on the train. There's a guy who you can't see if she's talking to and she's like, look how sad he is. He can only get a gook girl. And then that girl tries to talk

and then she just mocks her to her face. It's pretty intense, right? That's sad. It's not even funny. It's not even done in a funny way. No, it's not, but I want to play it and then I want to play the follow-up to it. I'm looking down.

What is it? Do you have something to play or no? No. I'm just thinking that makes me sad that she's not even trying to be funny with it. No. Of course she's not trying to be funny with it. What do you mean?

We make fun of people, but we try to do it. No, this is a real fucking moment. You think she makes me sad? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's more. What are you talking about? You're not a boy. You're a very naughty boy.

We go back China. We go back China. We take up. What's wrong with Hong Kong? Why did you come to this country? Then she goes, what's wrong with Hong Kong? Why did you come to this country? She's really laying it on.

Shut the fuck up. Honestly, shut the fuck up. You shut the fuck up. I'm sorry, thank you very much. How did you get an Aussie girlfriend? You have to get a girl. I'm not saying married. It's really that small.

You can't get an Aussie girl. It happens to the best of you. Yeah, I think it does. This is great. Intense, right? She's like, you can't even get a regular Aussie girl. And he's like, I'm married. I'm not even with this person.

Who are you? Look at it. She's just throwing it out there. Oh my God, he's not sad. He can't get a regular girl. He's got to get an Aussie. That's because I can't get anyone else. Oh, man.

Just because I can not get a seat. I cannot get a seat. I cannot get a seat. And then other people are being really nice. All right, so that was it. Now they have a follow up interview with her. They found her. I have.

And what did you feel? Horrified. Disgusted with myself. Absolutely disgusted. Is that you? Because I've been on the receiving end of that in the past. And it's not pleasant. How has she been on the receiving end of that?

I guess people really hate white women. We get it too. I've gotten it pretty bad in the past. Yeah. It's awful. It is appalling. What happened? A culmination of things.

Big words. So scary. I shit my pants a little, Tom. For the last few years it's gone wrong. I've been in and out of jobs. I went away a couple of years ago. A bit of trouble in my marriage. And I met someone on RSVP.

And he turned out to be a scammer. Lost quite a bit of money there. Now these are the reasons why she was racist on the bus. I had a bad couple of years. I've been between jobs. I had some marriage troubles. So I got scammed.

She's throwing it all out there. Do any of these work to you? I'm gonna throw these all against the wall. Now, my husband and I lost everything. And now, I'm living with my dad. Which is very kind to take me in.

But it's probably a strain on him too. He's way too old to be living with dad. He's like in her fifties. That's so embarrassing. I'm commuting up and down the Central Coast every day to come and see my husband. He's in a nursing home. And it takes me about three hours to get here.

All right. Turn around and go back again. I think just everything is just coming in on me. And unfortunately, last night when those children didn't stand up for me, it was just... There's another one.

The knee hurts. Also, my knee hurts. What about that hangnail you got? Paper cut. These socks, and now they have a hole in them. So one of my toes wiggles out of it. When I wear my shoes, I feel my toe

and it's not protected from the side. I had this band-aid on and I ripped it off too fast and it started hurting. That makes me racist. I tried to get coffee and it was like warm. It wasn't hot. I hate when I have mildly warm coffee.

I think that was just the storm that broke the canals back. And I just feel so sorry for that poor lady and she didn't deserve that abuse. She really didn't. It's awful. I'm so sorry for her. It's awful. I like when they go...

Yeah. It's all for you. About the children, they would have been frightened. The children. Those children would have been really frightened. What about the children? I don't even know what I can say

because sorry it probably doesn't help. You know what the children think? Yeah. Hey, there's a crazy lady. They think you're the most insane lady whose knees hurt. I think that's good for kids to see because then they go, don't be crazy

It is good. I remember street crazy rants when I was 7 or 8 years old. We walked out of a church in Chicago and I'm like a little kid and there was a homeless crazy lady

on the corner. Not like this isn't a homeless crazy lady but there was a crazy lady on the corner who was like, how dare you how dare you drink his blood and she was like, it's burned into my head. Yeah, of course.

I would never forget that. I was like, don't be homeless, don't be crazy. Just follow those two rules. Yeah, of course. I think if you can explain to your kids this person's not okay. My favorite part of this whole thing is you while I was playing going

it's not even funny. I was like, oh maybe she's trying to be funny with it. She's trying to do her bit on the bus and then I'm thinking like a comic when you try to be funny with racism and it backfires

and I'm like, oh she just didn't do the bit right. She's just trying to do her bit. I have not actually heard my voice in conversation for nearly three years now. Four years now. She was doing it. It's just so weird.

I guess it's bizarre to hear people spewing hate for no reason. I think that's why I'm like, oh it's not even funny. No reason. She's living with her dad and knees hurt. She's got scammed online. She's having some marriage problems. She's between jobs.

That makes you not like other people. Well specifically Asian people I guess. Why take it out on the Asians? He can't even get a normal girl. That might be the most racist line of the whole thing. Jesus.

It's pretty bad. Man. Do you want to hear more of her thing? Her excuses for being racist? Sure. That's the wrong clip. I'm sorry. It would have been anything.

Anything would have triggered me yesterday. It was just so frustrating. It would trigger my racism. From recruitment agencies and from prospective employers. I've got all the skills and qualifications and I just keep getting the run around and excuses.

My husband and I seem to be getting further and further back together again and we really want to and it's just so hard with all this happening. Trucks backing up. It's really on top of their audio at this news channel. You think if you were trying to get

a new job. You wouldn't come forward in the media. You'd kind of try to let the story just die. She's not facing the camera. She's got her back to the camera. She's doing the interview back to camera. Can I tell you if this were me and I were this deeply ashamed I'd just shut the fuck up about it.

I'd just kind of move. I kind of promised myself never to do that again. I'm going to Brisbane. Time to move to path. I'd start over. I'd start over at Ayers Rock. I would just pitch a tent out there. You lived in mom Australia.

I didn't live. I spent there for like two months. You don't live there during those two months? I guess. In a mobile home. Does that count? Yeah, it does. I would pick up and I would move to a different part of the country and start over. Seeing as things

aren't going that great. You know what I think? She should move. Hong Kong or China. That'll learn her. Welcome. We saw your video. Welcome. We have a lot of opportunities here for you. Thank you for coming.

How should we say it? We'll have a money opportunity for you. Hong Kong. Coming up and down. Is there any excuse though for behaviour like that? No, it's not at all. Actually, in the middle of the day

yesterday I was sitting in the ladies room in town and I got abused by a lady in there. She started abusing me about my weight. Because I'm sensitive about that. I was trying to take a shape. That's not nice for me to hear that. It's not nice for other people to hear it.

Are you a racist? The language that you used in that video is quite shocking. It is quite disgusting. Is that something that you stand by those kinds of things? Birds. Those are cute birds.

Those are green ones I think. She dropped one of my very good friends. That's so crazy. It's so crazy. If you're go to when you're down is racism? Chances are you're racist.

If that's your low point go to thing. Guess what? You're just racist. Go ahead boo, do you. Don't do it to other people. It's too bad. You're going to Hong Kong soon. I am.

I'll bring this lady up at every show. Are you excited? Dude, do you realize what a giant you are to those people? No, I'm telling you from when I went to Korea I got off the plane and I was the

largest human being. I went to go buy a bra and they were like, I'm sorry, what size? It was like I was a giant fat fucking pig there. I couldn't even find jeans my size. This is going to be a great week for me for sure. You're going to feel like the biggest

fattest person alive in Asia. Good. It's empirical data. They are smaller and nobody's fucking fat like us. If anybody says something to me I'm going to scream. You want to talk some shit?

You want to talk some shit? They won't say anything to you. They're not rude. At least in Korea I don't know about what. Who's growling? Asian people, I guess.

Oh, that's your impression of the Huns, my people. You know that I'm Mongolian right? My tribe is... Look at your eyes, of course I can tell. The Huns are Hungarians. Thank you. But in Korea

they liked blonde hair so they would tell me if it was real and I was like, of course. Yeah. But you got those pretty blue sparklers. You're going to dazzle some bitches. I'm telling you. But I don't know, Hong Kong's pretty city to city.

It's pretty developed. Yeah, it's pretty developed. Well, I was in Seoul. I was in the night markets and my own gong. My own gong. I speak perfect Korean. It's a word of advice. I don't know how it is

in Hong Kong. But in Korea there ain't shit in English like everything's in their hieroglyphics. Maybe you're new around here. Maybe you don't know how things work. Hong Kong was under British rule

for about 90 years. There's some English because I'm saying like, I had to carry around a card saying like this is the hotel I'm at and just hand it to people. It's crazy. Even the subways you're not getting around.

You're just not unless you say Japan I heard too. I'm excited for you. I wish I could go on this trip instead of you. I don't want you to have these good experiences. Very cool. I love Asia. That's not exciting enough.

Do you want it to be exciting or not? That was exciting, yeah. It's exciting as a bullhorn. What are you talking about? How do you not like the fucking chips in a bull? I don't understand. I think that's exciting when it's not as exciting as a bullhorn.

Man, come on. Do you realize that you're going to come back so Asian-ified? Asian-ified? It's going to blow your mind. What's going to happen? It's just another planet, dude. It's so crazy.

Your asshole is going to explode. You're probably going to get diarrhea. Why is diarrhea going to happen? In Korea, everyone got diarrhea. The flavors are bold. I'm going to eat some crazy food. You're going to eat crazy shit.

They don't have American breakfast like we do. I know you love brekkie. I'm going to get some MSG over there. You should get some dim sum. You know what I'm saying? I ain't fucking around. It's hookers. Some Chinese hookers.

Yeah, it's Hong Kong. Do you know what you should do in China? Buy drugs. They're cool, right? Singapore and China. They don't mind. They're cool. But I want to meet

these guys who want to make some money. Fly this back to America. I'll be like, all right, how much do I get? Another $100? Yeah, man. Something like that. We didn't finish Chris Delia's speech when he coached the Chicago Cubs.

Chris Delia? Yeah. You used to manage the Chicago Cubs? Wow. But you're stuck in a fucking stigma with the Dodgers and the Phillies. He used to be like way angrier comic. You didn't know that?

I didn't know that Chris was like this. This is before he did stand up. This is when he was in baseball. He sounded older. All these motherfucking editorials about say and fucking the Phillyitis and all that shit that did sickening.

It's unbelievable. It really is. It's a disheartening fucking situation that 14 doesn't negate all that work. That's awesome. Wow, he sounds old. You don't remember that when I played this the other day

his name is Lee Alia. You were like Chris Delia. Oh, like Alia the singer who's dead? Got 143 fucking games left. What I'm trying to say is don't rip them fucking guys out there. Rip me. You want to rip somebody, rip my fucking ass.

But don't rip them fucking guys because they're giving everything they can give. But once we hit that fucking groove it'll flow. And it will flow. The talent's there. I don't know how to make it any clearer. I'm frustrated.

I'll guarantee you I'm frustrated. You don't sound frustrated. You sound fine. I thought he was meditating, so quiet. It'd be different if I walked in this room every day at 8.30 and saw a bunch of guys who didn't give a shit. They give a shit.

And it's a tough national league game. It's a tough national league period. I love this. So this guy's comments about this. Let's see what they were. They were here. He regrets his outbursts. I made some comments.

I don't even know how they came out of my mouth. But they were not comments that I normally would make. Maybe his knee hurt and he had trouble and he got scammed online. Never in my wildest dreams did I think somebody would run out of there and put it on the air. That tape happened, that recording happened

and it turned out to be his final year as the Cubs manager. People think that that tape sealed the upper management's decision to fire him. But some said that they disagree and they said that the tirade and the tape did not get him fired.

The team started to suck again, did. Huh. That tape would be a nice excuse to fire somebody. That's pretty good. They're looking for one, eh? Yeah, it's pretty aggressive. It's aggressive. I like it. I like that style.

I like it a lot. It motivates me. Now, going back to dog dick afternoon. No. Will you reconsider? No. What do you need to make this show happen? I don't know if there's enough money in the world

that can make me do dog dick afternoon, Tom. Poodles, Bulldogs, Labs, Retrievers, Frenchies, Poodles. No, never. Sometimes, even if I accidentally graze

Vivo's junk, I get mortified. I hate accidentally touching dog dicks. You know, your cousin Jeanette pets him and she scratches down by his penis and it really bothers me and I'll be like, Jeanette, your hand is too close to the dog's dick. She's like, no, it's not.

It's lonely, babe. It's not the same thing. Don't you hate when people pet Vivo when his dick? No, it bothers me more when I see people petting him roughly when they're too aggressive with the pets. Yeah, because he's fragile. He's only, you know, 12, 13 pounds. He's in angel shoes.

How much more do you love Vivo than you love me? Can't even measure it. What would you do to save Vivo's life? Anything. Would you kill 10 homeless people? Kill you in front of 10 homeless people and then kill them. You would not kill me.

Absolutely, I would. That is so stupid. If they're like, here's a thousand people and all you have to kill, I'd kill you and then they'd go, just one of them. There's one. Now that's a show. That's the show. How many people would you murder to save your dog?

Who do you love more, your wife or your dog? And then people murder other people to save their dog. I'd watch that. What do you call it? Kill homeless people to save your dog. That's kind of a clunky title. How about for the love of the dog

or something like that? Love or doggy? Love or doggy? So you think you love your dog? Question mark? You think you love it? You say you love your dog? Like that?

It's like, so you think you can dance but do you think you love your dog? Kill these people. So How many times exactly what causes that kind of fart? That was perfect. See now with my show

do you see how much fun that was to hear guys? With my show that that can happen every episode and then there's somebody there smelling that fart. That's the final fart of the night. It's a live fart from Tom the final fart of the night.

The final fart and Tom you give a live fart to some lucky contestant who's got their face right in your butt and then they have to smell that fart and determine what you mean. Did you get distracted though when you were talking about what they win? I feel like you didn't know what they won.

Well I feel like smelling your farts and knowing what you ate is reward enough. I don't know what could top that as a person in life. So this should be a week with you sleeping next to you

really experiencing your farts live the way I do. It's like a week with Tom and you get his farts all the time. They share the bed with me and I snore and they get the live experience is what I'm saying.

Not just the jarred experience. It's pretty cool. I like it. I like it. Look, we got to wrap this shit up man. We got things to do. People to go. You got to pack. You got to pack.

You got to pack. You got to fart. Okay guys, well thank you for listening to our show. Tom and I love you and I'm sorry Tom farts so much. It's a pretty legit way of putting that right there. We do appreciate you listening

to our show. We are the momies that wear the jeans. Please check out your mom's house podcast.com Follow us on Twitter at TomSigura, at ChristinaP but more so at ChristinaP less at TomSigura. Nope.

On Mom's to Graham I'm Sigura Tom and you're who gives a shit. I'm at ChristinaP at ChristinaPaz That is so lame. What?

Guys, watch me on funniest wins 10 o'clock on TBS every Friday night. Every Friday night. Every fucking Tuesday. Every fucking Tuesday, guys. What else? Anything else, jeans? I think I love you. I cut your mic off.

Fuck you then. No, say it. Go ahead. Say it. Come on, it's right there. They're right there. I don't care. They're listeners. I love you. Bye, guys. Be the jeans. We love you. Bye-bye.

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