Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 239-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 16, 2014

Oh Jeans can you see, that America is the best and loudest place in the world! Can you tell when an A1 US of A person is around? Let's break it down! If someone told you to Go F yourself, could you? Black Salami has something show the people who doubt that he can. WARNING, it's NSFHE - Not Safe For Human Eyes.  How does God do a new thang if he's still doin the same thang?!?!?! Momstralia/Australia speaks English...sort of. Can you understand this bloke? We have Dental Updates all around plus more from our favorite Dog Trainer, Peter Caine. Things are getting weirder. Big Shouts to Ontario, Canada for all the love this past week. That's some real nice denim you guys have up there. This episode will make you wish your peepee was stuck in Budder.

You're a penis. It hurts so bad. Do you understand? You jackass. I hate it when you do this. You stop together, ass to ass. Oh, butter. Girl, you do me in the butt and then you get stuck and I'm so confused. I don't like to have one tail and two head and two body before I born. Two tongue and cold mic. I'll stop there. What the hell is it? What happening? Oh, no. Butter. You hurting? What the hell? His paper is stuck in butter. Oh, no. So now what do I do? I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. It's okay. You're a man, lazy. You'd have got that man. They say it's gonna rain anyway. It's so beautiful. God damn it. Bird shot up. Oh, no. If you stop together. You're connected by the butt. Stop whining. Oh, my God. I think he's connected by the butt. Hi, Boto.

Oh, shit. Oh, boy. That was really funny. This is how backlogged and crazy are inboxes in that email account. That was set in April. Oh, no. The first time I heard it was the other day when I was putting together the playlist for the Toronto show. GD it. That's how crazy it is. We need someone just to read our emails and like tell us what's in them. You need a producer, man. It works for a show. That's for sure. We need a lot of things. Yeah, anyways. We need a producer, a director. Somebody that could help us out here. We move on. We'll get there, kid. We'll get there one day. First things first. I mean, what do you want to say about Toronto? First things fucking last. Toronto was mind-blowing. It's probably been the craziest your mom's house live we've ever had. No, it's without question the craziest one. It was mind-blowing, dude. It should be up Friday.

You're going to love it. The recording is amazing. It's really funny and electric. It's insane. It's insanity. It's total insanity. Just a huge thank you to the province of Ontario. Not the state. Not the state. I had just the best people in London, in Hamilton. George Hamilton. And then in Toronto. That blew my mind. The whole experience blew my mind. We'll talk about it more. The people of Toronto are so kind. I mean, Canadians are just the best. I want to live there now. But only certain months. Right. It's moved to Toronto. It's pretty badass, man. It's a badass city. It's a really, really kickass city. Cool. So we'll talk about it more. But real quick, I'm coming to Hartford, Connecticut. I'm on my way, yo. So come out Thursday through Sunday, the Hartford funny bone in Manchester, Connecticut. I'm there. I'm all up in you, dog. Next weekend, Jeans and I are together. There's no Thursday show, but Friday, Saturday and Sunday, we are both at the Ontario, California.

Excuse me, the Ontario, California improv. That is the 25th through the 27th. Please come out and support the God. Shortly, or actually the very next week, Tommy Buns. That would be me. I get on an aeroplane and I make flying all the way across the country. Yep. And you know where I go? Where? I go, I believe, to Sixburg, Pittsburgh. No, excuse me. No, no, I'm wrong. First, I have the punchline in Sacramento. I haven't been to Sacramento since 2005. 2005 or 2006. Sax, great. People are very down earth, very good crowd. Please come out the 31st or the 2nd. The following week, the God is in Pittsburgh, Homestead PA. What does God stop? Who do you think you are? The G.O.D. And then, right after that, the funny bone in Columbus. My God, does it ever stop?

Oh, I have a week off. And then I go to Denver to a comedy works, one of the best clubs in the universe. Where are you? I know we have a big show August 9th. I do, guys. Come on out to see me August 9th in the Ice House annex in that side room. Here's what I'm doing, yo. Two shows, 730 and 930 for real mommies only. Are you real mommy? Prove it. August 9th. Come at me. You want to talk some shit? You want to talk some shit? I'll be talking some shit, son. And after that, Sunnyvale, California, I met Rooster T feathers. The T stands for terrific August 14th through 17th.

Holler at yourself September 18th. We should go ahead and mention we're doing one night at the Fort Lauderdale Improv. Heads up South Florida. If you guys are there, we're doing one night only. We should actually point out something about that is that for the remainder of the year, that's our only show in South Florida. So if you're in West Palm, if you're in Lottie Dottie, if you're in... I like Lottie Dottie. Is that real? Well, you know, Fort Lauderdale. I really like that.

If you're in Davy, if you are in Miami, anywhere down there, this is it. This is our only, we have one show. It's a Thursday at the Fort Lauderdale Improv, right there at what's it called, the Seminole Hard Rock. So it'd be great if you come out and see us do our... I'm sorry, I think it's pronounced the semen hole. The semen hole hard rock. Guys, also, listen, do you shop on Amazon.com like we do? We buy everything on there. We buy toilet paper. We subscribe to get our toilet paper sent to the house. We do paper towels. We do palm olive. We do tide.

I'm telling you, subscribe, automate that stuff, save your life, get your life. And if you do use Amazon, please go through our banner on our homepage, yourmomshousepodcast.com. Go to the bottom of that home page there and click on our banner and it takes you directly to Amazon and just do your shopping as you normally would. It's super easy. It really, really, really helps us implore you. Summer is here. Buy your beach towels on Amazon. Buy videos. Get your DVDs there. You can buy anything on Amazon. Tom, what are some things you've purchased on Amazon.com?

I got a lamp. You got a lamp? Yep, I bought shoes. Did you just fart? No, that was the floor. See? It's the floor. Sure. Yeah.

Shoes, sandals. I know you really like those strappy sandals. I like when there's velcro straps on my sandals. The brown ones. They look nice with some jorts. Yeah, they look like Jesus sandals. I like that. I feel like I get a little religious flair going. I like that. You know what I purchased on there? Large quantities of socks. So you get your socks just like land at the house. I love that.

I've purchased a bunch. I've purchased just a ton of equipment from Amazon. Everything you're looking at here and everything in that mobile unit, all Amazon. That camera, Amazon. That's all Amazon. This dog, Amazon. The dog we got on Amazon. It's pretty good. Amazing. And please, thank you to everybody that's already done it. And yeah, keep trucking, yo.

You ready to get busy or what? Oh, you kidding me, dude? Let's do this shit, man. Fuck him. You want to see some big, black, lazy dick? Let me show you some dick. Look at the size of his car. That's why they call him Black Salami.

This shit is big time. Who is Ramsay? Don't bring anyone loving to this. No mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitze. Welcome to your mom's house.

That was really amazing, Tommy. Even with you leaving and coming, I still played my tunes. Well, I had to. There's something I want to make sure that I give, I get. I have to. Hold on. You give, you get, you have to. Well, because, okay. Okay.

Oh my gosh, this is it. What is it? Yes, okay. I wanted to make sure that I properly thanked people from Canada. We got so many wonderful treats from you guys and I just want to properly acknowledge these two ladies. We got treated right, yo. Julie and Deborah.

Thank you guys so much for your wonderful artwork you gave us. That was amazing. It's all behind you right there. Yeah, we're going to, I'm going to frame it properly. And also for a jar of pickles that we smuggled back. Holy shit. It's in the country. Now, did they give us the pickles?

Yes. Okay. I looked the name on the pickles. It's somebody else. Like it says product of Susan something. Oh, okay. Maybe. So they must have bought the pickles and just gave it to us. Well, outstanding.

I've been devouring some hot pickles. We got wine. We got delicious red wine. Thank you for that guys. And I got ketchup flavored chips. We got dog treat, punky girl, you know, who's on Twitter. She gave us some, did she give us the thing for FIFO? I forget.

Yes, it's floss. It's like you spray on a toy and then they play with it. And then another lovely girl gave us two glasses with strippers on it. One girl, one guy for us. Yeah. We brought those glasses back. So many treats. Bless you.

Whoa. Did you just fart and sneeze at the same time? The sneeze. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Sneeze caused the fart. What is wrong with you today? I'm working it out, man.

Apparently. Yeah. What did you eat? What is wrong with you today? I'm working it out, man. Apparently. Yeah. What did you eat?

Whoa. What did you eat? I had the same thing you had. We got this rocket fuel going right now. Oh my God. How great. Dude, this coffee. Woo.

It's like white lightning. Yeah. It makes you want to find somebody. It makes you want to find somebody and take a shit. Yeah. It's pretty good, huh? Dude. Pretty good.

Walk me and our listeners through the process by which you make this stuff. Well, this is high constant. Freaking out. High concentration. And here's why. This is the OG Italian way of making espresso or coffee. And what it is, it's the kind you put right on a burner. Yes.

My mother, my mother did this. Well, the container for the water at the bottom, it only holds like maybe a cup and a half to two cups. Right. Like normal size cups. So you have that much water. But the area for the espresso grinds or the coffee grinds you put in there would be enough. That would be what you would make if you were brewing a pot for eight cups. That's how much coffee fits in there.

Right. And the concentration is super high. Yeah. It's lightning. And this is why I think. And it's boiling hot. It's super hot. This is why my mother is a complete psycho lunatic.

I think part of it is just she's kind of local with her wires across. Yeah. And then you add caffeine to someone's wires being crossed. It's like, it's a double whammy. Yeah. And this is why I don't like American coffee drip coffee. Those makers that you get like in the hotel rooms, they're fucking dog shit. Because they give you just like the amount that we're using to brew just two cups.

Right. That's the same I might use in a fucking family one. Right. It's bullshit. Yep. It is bullshit. Tastes like shit. This is the real deal.

And you know what? Yeah. All these coffee makers now are like six, eight hundred dollars, thousand dollars. No way. This shit was like $22 I think. It says basic as it gets. Amazon.com. There you go.

There you go. Get this shit on Amazon. What's it called? Go to your mom's house pod. I don't know, man. It's like an old school Italian. Speaking of Italians, we have to thank above everybody else for the great, great time in Toronto.

Joey Tooch. Oh. Joey Peugeotto. Joey Peugeotto. AKA Joey Giuseppe Tuccito. He was wearing his shorts. He was wearing his jean shorts. He was wearing his piercings.

And he absolutely he promoted and put together a great show. Thank you to Joe, Hazardous, Caution, all those guys, everybody that came out to that show. It was absolutely out of this world. So much fun. So thank you to everybody. Really neat. I'm really in love with Toronto now. It's my second time there.

I really feel like I want to live in Canada now. Yeah. Well, I was born in where? Beautiful Windsor. Beautiful Windsor. Yeah. Windsor's own. They're Paris.

I know. They're so sweet. Yeah. It was really great. We had great food. We had a great dinner the night before the show. Elm and Young. There's a place called Oro Gold in Italiano.

And it was delightful. The great server Vito who was like, I bring you more food. Yes. He was amazing. It was a great time. It was a great time. We pegged out. We had multiple courses of pasta, fried cheese balls.

Some of these promoted these guys that worked on these shows. They've worked on a bunch of shows. They said, hands down, we have the best fans. Really? Yeah. They said that there's no comparison to the other shows. Not that everyone else has bad people. They just said that ours are the best.

Well, because our fans, at least from everybody I've ever met, like for the most, like everyone's A, intelligent. B, they're all like people I'd want to actually hang out with. Yep. And C. They're polite. They're polite. They get it.

They get it. They get to be in life. It's so important to find your tribe. I'm so happy that we have a tribe now. Aren't you happy? It's great. You know what? We're also, you know, I like mature people.

I like being mature. Look at inside of his cock. You know? We're grown-ups. I like being mature. That's why they're calling black salami. I wish my dick was that big. Are these retarded people talking?

You know, when you talk like that, I only have one message for you. I'll let everybody in here know that this man is rude. And I'll be a jerk about it, too. Who's that guy? Some guy at Walmart. And I'll let everybody know about it, too. I'll be a jerk about it, too. I wish my dick was that big.

You got no wish to complain. The other day, this guy told me to go fuck myself. And you know something? What? I can't just watch. Now he puts his dick in his asshole. No. Yeah.

He can put his dick in his butt? Yeah. Oh, stop it. That's why they call him black salami. Nobody can put their own penis in their own butthole. You want to see it? Yeah. Well?

You want to see it? Here it goes. You want to see it? Is that real? Are you serious? Yeah. It's pretty horrifying. Dude, I really want to see that.

Well, you can. You want to talk some shit? I'm tempted to put that on our website, but I'm not sure that's a smart idea. Yeah. People can find it on their own. We might lose some sponsors. Yeah. No.

You can find that on your own, guys. What can they Google? Black salami. At least you know it. It's on the great site, eFucked. E-F-U-K-T. Black salami. Yeah.

It's pretty strong. They should call it black chocolate salami. Oh, and to be, you know, I like to be getting, we should thank our listeners. They set this in. Thank you. Yeah. We never would have. Jesus.

At the same time? No. It was almost a double pipe classic. I haven't had one in a while. Makes me nervous when I get that close. It's like one of my biggest goals is to have them booked about. Really, I probably like three or four times in 35 years. Double pipe classic?

Yeah. I feel like you've done them. I forgot that it was called. How many times has Top Dog done it? That'll be a good question. And that'll be an interesting topic for the vacation we're going on with him. I can't wait. Wait, what's the thing we decided we're going to do?

Oh, we're going to ask everybody how their shits were every morning. How were your shits last this morning? Or how were your shits last night? Yeah. And how furious do you think your mother will be at that? Please. Please. You're going to hear a lot of that.

A lot of please. Please, Tommy. So disgusting. Please. Please. I can't wait. You should bring maybe this along too. Why don't you confess what it is?

Christina has been like a four-year-old for the last two days because somebody at the show gave her a fart maker. It's the best. You know who you fooled today? You fucked me today. When we were walking in the car, the construction guys were out, and you were pressing it. They all turned their head like, who just ripped one? I love it.

It was perfectly timed. You know what? This is good to do if we go into like a department store and I have this in my purse. This is something you bring to the department store. Nothing wrong with a really good fart maker. Endless fun. Endless fun with the fart maker. That's a good one.

Yep. That's a really good one, baby. We've been singing a lot the last few days is Tommy singing. That's by the way, they should make a fart maker that goes, oh, damn. So it has the follow through. So people think they heard a fart and then they think they heard somebody commenting on it. That's the ultimate fart noise maker.

King, how much do you think he could make if he had his own machine? I know. King. He's not savvy. No. He's not being cool. No. And if he had like a little bit of a business mind, we're trying to help him.

That's the thing that bothers me is that like we're trying to help him. Yeah. And it's like he doesn't want help. I know. It's like, it's like he's just happy farting on YouTube. One who gives us for the last five, six days, we're fucking breaking out in this. And it's bad. How did it get us?

It's killing me because I think because both of us can see ourselves being this kid because it's so, it's just so real. Like I haven't watched the whole video the whole way through because I'm so mortified by it. It's embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. Yeah. But it's kind of catchy.

It's kind of got us in a weird way. It is. Yeah. And I catch myself in the car saying, what the fuck is wrong with me? That's the worst when you make fun of it, but you still kind of like go like, yeah. Well, even let's get social. Right. That got into my head and that got into our heads.

There are, for those of you who don't know, there are let's get social shirts that have been moving off the shelf. So just remember that. So how do you do that? You burp and fart. And the FIFO shirts have been going bananas. We almost sold out in Toronto. Yeah.

Yes. But how did, how did God is doing a new thing? How does that get into your head? I just, I feel like that kid's passion for it. He really feels it. You really feel it is what I'm trying to say. It's a new life. And he's doing a new thing for us.

Oh my God. It's so hard. I'm embarrassed. Oh God. You're always doing it. Yes. God is doing a new thing. You're always doing it.

God is doing a new thing. You're always doing it. Yes. He's doing it. He's doing it. He's doing it. He's doing it. He's doing it.

He's doing it. He's doing it. He's doing it. He's doing it. You're always doing it. Yo, who's doing it? God is doing it. He's doing the hype man.

With it. Oh, is that what that's called? Yeah. Who's doing it? You know, he's doing it. Like he's doing like the flavor flay to his own Chuck D. You know what I like right now is that you're finding ways to make it work. Let's, I wish we could find this kid.

This is obviously from the nineties or something. Nineties. Yeah. Look at his pants. Late eighties. Yeah. I wish we could rerecord with him and then add your notes. Like, so you're saying you would be the hype man and you would be like, he's doing it.

He's doing it. The number one comment is this kid is on top of the rap game. He's right. Yeah. He is right. Can we hear more please? Yep. He's doing it.

Really hard. It's really hard to watch like even when I think in real life, when you see somebody doing something like this, it's for me, I get maybe because I know what embarrassment feels like. Right? You're like, oh God, I'm so embarrassed for you. I get that way though. I'm like, you know, these things like we're watching TV and they're like, I want to sing

for you. Oh, and it's real. Like if it's real life, it's like, it's really hard to watch man. Yeah. I always have a hard time with, I've said this before on a show, like acoustic guitar singing that really on TV, it makes me super uncomfortable. People singing acapella. Yeah.

Acapella. Is that the word? Are acapella? Am I saying it right? Acapella. Acapella? Yeah. Is that sound right?

I'm so whacked out on coffee right now. I don't even know what I'm saying. You don't know how to say acapella? Woo! But I don't know how to spell it. So I can't see it in my head. I don't know how to spell acapella. Yeah.

It is with like an AC. It's ACA. Someone's got to talk me down. My heart's pounding. Right? Yeah. This coffee. No, sorry.

ACC is what it is. A-C-C-A-P-E-L-L-A. That's what it is. Man, my heart, I think I'm sweating. Are you sweating? Uh, no, I'm alright. My palms are sweating. But I feel like I'm okay because I know that, like, God's doing a new thing.

Down to the AC and you won't find God doesn't change, but he knows the time. From hall, piano, to song, to rap, you know. If God's willing, so can I lack a soul. God is doing a new thing. If our lives long, we're doing a new thing. Through Jesus Christ. God is doing a new thing. Through our music.

We're doing a new thing so he can use it. God, you can use me to pick out a coat of stroke. My good friends are all singing this song. They're making me talk about the way that you live. And let you know Christ is a one-of-a-kind. I've seen your heart. I'm going to stop. There you go.

I'm going to do a new song. His heart. A brand new fan. He's ready to walk. He might just knock you down to that beat all the time. God is doing a new thing. Through our lives long, we're doing a new thing. Through Jesus Christ.

God is doing a new thing. Through our music. We're doing a new thing so he can use it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Hit me.

Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Fuck your family. Get him. He's doing it.

What? God is doing a new thing. God is doing a new thing. God is doing a new thing. Fucking fuck him. Fucking fuck him. Fuck him up. Fuck him.

Fuck him. Fuck him up. Wow. I feel like what's also hurting this kid, because he's got the passion. He's got the drive. He's got the chutzpah. It's just the background's lame. The song's lame.

We just upped it though. We upped the Andy Pomeranian, put some Maka Flaka in there. Right. A little Chief Keef, yeah. You know what I'm saying? But if there's someone out there, if you guys could give him better music, like if someone could make this song work for this kid, please do it, let's redeem him. You're kind of like spitting in the chef's food right now, like a producer just upped

the game and you're like, okay, let's find somebody else. No, I mean, I mean, if we could lay down maybe a cooler track behind him. I got you. I got you. Maybe one of our listeners could make this shit fire. That's what I'm saying. Like, is there someone out there that can make this kid cool? Because I feel like if we could redeem him, maybe we could put up a remix on YouTube.

Maybe help him out. Yep. Because he's got everything. He's got the elements. Yeah, yeah, that's true. He's got the fire. It's just something's not right. The music's really lame, dude.

That lame-ass, that lame-o keyboard, yeah, it's like super uncool. Yeah, yeah. And he needs backup dancers. He does need dancers. Like Santi Gold. He's also maybe like 42 now. He's like R.H. Yeah.

Poor son of a bitch. Poor son of a bitch. God is doing it. Oh, that's the part that gets me, is that? God is doing it. Dogh, right. God is doing a new thing. He's doing it.

Yeah. He's doing it. Speaking of, he's doing it. He's doing it. You know, he's doing it. You know, He's doing a new thing. He's doing it. He's doing it.

You know, He's doing it. Poor kid. How the fuck do we get fucked up on this? God is doing a new thing. What is God doing? I don't understand why He's doing a new thing. He's saying that God's never changed. So how is He doing a new thing?

Is it the rap? Maybe because He's never changed. That's how He's doing a new thing? I don't know. I don't know. We often try on this show to figure out what the fuck somebody is saying, right? Yes. We make an effort.

Yes. It can be hard. I'm not going to lie. Sometimes we don't know what people are saying. Right now I don't know what you're saying. I don't know what you mean. Is this the one Ian Bag post that's on Facebook? It made the Aussie?

Yeah. The mom Australian? Yeah. The mom Australian. Ian Bag post. I want to give him credit. Okay. Ian Bag.

Our good buddy Ian Bag has been on the show before. Send us this. Let's figure out if we know what this guy is saying and what he means. I haven't even tried yet. So let's try. Possibly for the West Coast, how does it feel? It feels great, especially with these bikes I've known for such a long time, you know? He's all white, he's the man of the match, he's got one for an income, you know?

These blokes have been doing it for a long time. Yeah, I got that part. I think those are names that he tried to say. Like he said these guys had known a long time and then I think he said their names and that's what was confusing. Especially with these bikes. Oh, sorry. He's a footballer.

He's like an Aussie rules football guy, is that right? I guess. Dude, he's rad because he's got like a headband on, but it looks like he's got toilet paper wrapped around his head and then a headband over the toilet paper. And then he has like a sweet mullet, like it's fucking rad mullet and all of his followers have the same crazy headgear. It's like, it's like a whole look. It's really funny.

He looks nuts for sure. Oh, but he's like cool though. Yeah, yeah, cool nuts. Cool as shit. But out of his mind for sure. Yeah. I mean, I'm getting parts of it. I'm not going to say I got all of it.

There's old boy. He's happy that shit went well. Put me in a hole, dig it, dig a hole, put me in it. That what does that mean? It means I think I could die now. I could die now. Something like that. Okay.

And then something about the blacks. The blacks? And then he's like, and then the blacks are ruining everything. Is that what he said? Maybe I should go back. I mean, I should go back because I totally, I definitely missed that. You get much better. You got an old boy over here.

He's come down for the trip across the, across the Nulliball. It's great to have a win here in front of the sea of blue again, possibly for the last time. I haven't heard no fat lady just yet. So we'll take it from there. So it might be over. I haven't heard from the fat lady yet. I get that.

He hates fat people. He said, and I heard this time I picked up on the black. He said, blacks are out of their minds. And then I hate fat ladies. And I hate fat ladies. Yeah. Something about hating them too. Yep.

You got it. You got a good ear. I'll give it to you. You got a good ear. How about that try? How good of that try there when you cross the line? Oh, mate. It's fair to come across.

I've gone walksie. Walksie. He's coming out. I'm thinking, walksie is going to throw a long ball here. How's this going to go? Feeding him. Flicks it across. But he caught it.

Off like a bride. It's 90. Meaty. Corner. Celebrations.com. That was the progression of the play. Like it came here. It was the corner scored and then celebrations.com.

That's a nice. I like that way. That's funny. Yep. He was describing what happened. Let's see. How's this going to go? He said segregation is the way.

Flicks it across. Buddy caught it. Off like a bride. It's 90. Meaty. Corner. Celebrations.com. Segregation.

Segregation is the way to go. Total races. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this South African? Are you sure it's... Flicks it across. Flicks it across. Buddy caught it.

Off like a bride. It's 90. Meaty. Corner. Celebrations.com. It's buddy at Steining. It's amazing. It's amazing.

Good luck. Thanks to you, Blue. That's amazing. Wow. That's fantastic. Yeah. You know what he looks like? Remember the Royal Tenenbombs?

The bomber? When he... Where is that? The stupid headband? That's what he... He's dressed like the bomber kind of. Yeah. Yeah.

Richie Tenenbaum. I guess they call him the Honey Badger too. Oh, that's rad. Yeah. I thought the Honey Badger was just... What's his name? The... The LSU guy.

I can't fucking think of his name right now. Yeah. You're asking? I don't know. I don't know about sports. He ended up going to... He's in the end of... Tyron Matthew.

Yeah. Or they call him a Honey Badger? Yeah. They call him the Honey Badger. He's a real undersized guy, but like really tenacious. Let's see. He's still in the league, right? Yeah.

He plays for Arizona still. Yeah. Good for him. He had some drug problems. Things didn't go so well for him. Got kicked out. But he's in the NFL. That's good.

Good for you. That sucks. We saw in Daryl Strawberry the other day, like now he's ministering Daryl Brostrate. Sorry. Brostrate. Yeah. But good for him. He kind of got his shit together.

Yeah. He's all praying and stuff now. Damn. Yeah. Dude, I remember as a kid... Why is he praying? Because God is doing a new thing. That dude was like...

I mean, I don't know anything about sports, but I remember hearing about him as a kid. Like people would... Crack jokes about him on late night TV about what a fuck-up he was. He fucked up quite a bit. It's amazing the fuck-ups that live, because people OD and die all the time. I almost did. But I'm talking about the hardcore user, and it's amazing a guy like him... It was arrest after arrest, fine suspensions, and then it was like...

We saw on Real Sports where they found him behind a dumpster, and he was like, I want to die. It's really sad. Of course, it's horrible. He shouldn't be laughing. I guess because I don't know what to do with it. Addiction is so vile. It's so hard.

Yeah. It's so... You know what? The last living Ramon just died, Tommy Ramon, and I know you're a huge Ramon's fan. Me? Yeah. Hardcore. Hard fucking core.

Everybody likes the Ramon's. Yeah. They had such great, silly, short, anthony, cool songs, but those guys, they're all my dad's age, and younger, and they're all dead. That must be years of drug use, and just pushing it, pushing those limits, dude. Yeah. It makes you feel, too, for the real hardcore... Hard fucking core.

Hard fucking core addict, the guy or girl that just cannot deal with it, because if you're not that... Hard fucking core. Yeah. If you're not that, then you... Because the rest of us go like, just fucking stop doing it, and you can't do it. But you can't wrap your... Even I've been addicted to something as banal as cigarettes for 17 years, and I was a really

good smoker. I loved smoking, and I would smoke even... I would push past the pain of it, and I would wake up some mornings, and I couldn't breathe. My chest would hurt, and I'd swear to myself that I wouldn't smoke today. And then, sure enough, I'd be smoking by the end of the afternoon, and it's like, God, I told myself, you tell yourself you're not going to do it anymore. Or I remember I used to lay in bed at night in a panic, counting how many cigarettes I had left in my box, and the box of cigarettes like, oh, do I have to...

God, I only have two for the night. How am I going to get through? Did you really? I didn't know that. Yeah. Well, you count in your head on the drive home, do I have enough to get through this evening? Mm-hmm.

It's always this need. I think I'd get more. Such a bummer. Even for something as dumb as... I couldn't imagine being hooked on real drugs, you know? Yeah. Fuck. Yeah, yeah.

Well, yeah. Oh, fuck him. He's happy now. Uh, I got something for you. Mm-hmm. You ready? Yeah. Some of your favorite person alive.

Okay. I never understand Cesar Milan doing that, you know, I've never gotten it, you know? It doesn't make any sense, and originally I heard that he said that his mother did it, so, you know, that's why he did it. Now, I asked somebody that grew up in South America, I asked him what that was about, and they said, well, that sound is like, it's very common. And that's true up here in New York and Brooklyn. You'll see truck drivers, it's really rude, do that same noise when a chick's crossing

the street. And it's like, what do you think, they're going to jump in the truck with you, you idiot, you know? It's just obnoxious, the woman's crossing the street, and you've got to, you know, hear this, gives men a bad name, assholes, it's the truth. So I've never understood why Milan does that, but evidently it's to get the dog's attention. But that doesn't make sense either, because the dog's name is used to get the dog's attention. The dog's name is meaningless to the dog, except for that.

In other words, if there were two Ikes, it would just confuse Ike. He doesn't understand his name. The name of the dog is used to get the dog's attention. We also use no. If Ike was doing something that I didn't want him to do, I wouldn't go, I would say no. You know, it would depend. I could either say Ike's name or no. So I don't understand this.

I mean, it doesn't make any sense to me from being an English-speaking person and never using it. Oh, I fucking love this guy. I think, but the sound he's talking, okay, Caesar goes ch-ch-ch, it's a ch-ch, but he's talking ch-ch-ch. No, no, no. He's talking about the same thing. It's the same ch-ch.

Yeah, it's the same thing. Yeah. It's funny, because Peter gets real mad, he's like, because I'm in the dog park and I hear these hipsters going ch-ch-ch, and I'm like, he hates Caesar Milan. He's so jealous and angry at Caesar. It's the best. Here's a video that somebody sent us today that I haven't watched yet, but the title just looks amazing, and I think you're going to love it.

Okay? There we go. No, with the foot massage, I get every foot. I get the front paws, I get the back paws. This is a doggy foot massage video. It's not like touch, right? It's like deep tissue, and I'm kind of rolling, you know, rolling the toes, sometimes I just take them and put pressure like this.

I love this. There's a parrot on his shoulder as he's giving his dog. He's doctor, he lives, I think he's a hoarder, because he has a ton of shit in his house. And there's a wolf poster behind on the wall. Of course, there's animals everywhere in his house. He's crazy. He's not crazy. He's just dedicated.

He's eccentric. Yeah. I think the hoarder, I think he's a hoarder. Some kind of hoarder. He may be a hoarder. I don't know. He's an animal lover. Tons of shit in that house.

Yeah. For sure. How do we give this dog this proper massage? Like that. You do the front too. Love him. Get all sides. Massaging the puppy's feet can be very beneficial.

What just happened? It cut, and then a horse made a noise. Maybe there's a horse in his apartment in Brooklyn. Probably. It's helpful because you do have the puppy in this position. This dog just did not want to go in this position. So he's in that position. He's cradling him on his back.

Like FIFA. Yeah. And we're just making him relax, as relaxed as we can, just so that the dog knows, like, hey, it's cool, whatever I say goes. And so we massage their feet. Now, I'm a massage the feet of an older dog too, and they love it. They love it. Try it.

Just grab the paw, and you can put pressure like this, steady pressure like this, or you can, a lot of times, I'll just take the toes and just kind of rub them and get each toe. That's amazing. He's got a full fucking massage video. And is this one also from him? This is another one. I love Peter King. Let me see.

God damn it. Let's see. Yeah. It's right after I built the enigma machine for the... He's doing a voice for his dog. Yeah. Sometimes he does that where he makes his dog character. Yeah.

And he is. Yeah. This is mango. It's weird. Do you want to hear mango? Oh, I've heard this. I know this video. Oh, you do?

I'm familiar with the entire Peter King catalog. Okay. But I didn't see dog massage. I like that one. But let's hear it. Let's hear it. I haven't heard it. So I want to hear what this dog has to say.

So there's multiple dogs talking. Yes. And there's a laugh track. Yeah. I think Peter is lonely. I think he might be a little lonely. You think so? Yeah.

I think he's just really into his dogs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think he really just loves his dogs. He does. He loves the animal. He prefers the animal world to the people world.

Yes. Absolutely. And he feels this is how he entertains himself. Sometimes I do too. I do too sometimes, for sure. Yeah. A Nygma machine. A Nygma machine.

Yeah. You know, this is no big deal, you know. I didn't know he makes these kinds of videos. Yeah. Huh. Yeah. Took me about a day and a half, you know, to figure the damn thing out. It was easy.

But, uh, yeah, right after, you know, I, I, I said that you're his daughter, that, that, that's when I, that's when it happened. It's a little bit like the, um, king of comedy, uh, Martin Scorsese, Jerry Lewis, Robert DeNiro film. You know what I'm talking about? No. You don't know this movie? No.

Oh my goodness gracious. Let's see. No. It's a dog trainer who makes- No, no, no, but like DeNiro is like the, um, this guy, he wants to be the host of a big talk show and, um, that Jerry Lewis is like a knight, so DeNiro does his fake, uh, logs, like in front of a, just a minute, just a minute, you know what's going on here. It's an amazing movie.

Fortunately, yeah. Listen to him. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Let me introduce myself. My name is Rupert Pupkin. I was born in Clifton, New Jersey, which was not at that time a federal offense. Is there anyone here from Clifton? That's great.

Oh good. We can all relax now. Now I'd like to begin by saying that my parents would- He kidnaps the, you know, the host of the real show. It's a really good movie. What's it called again? The King of Comedy. Okay.

I like it. I'll watch it. I hope it's on Netflix. Scorsese directed it. It's really good. Oh my God. All right. I'll watch it.

This feels, it has like a feel of that. You know? Yes. Robert DeNiro is so fucking amazing. We watched Casino again last night. Oh my God. We were rewinding and watching that amazing Joe Pesci scene. You know what's great?

And we make fun of it on the show, but to watch it, he has like, he does- You could fucking try and eat that, so. He doesn't overdo it. His rage is contained. Like he's so convincing. He really is that guy. He's so good at it. His facial structure is fucked up.

He's obviously had too much eye surgery at this point in his life. And that's 95. They did a bad job. His facelift is terrible. Yeah. All you should do is return my phone card. Listen, thank you. We talked about this.

And I explained to you that there was the possibility you might have to take some kind of loss. Yeah. Yeah. That, that right there? Yeah. Yeah. He considers it.

Like he really is like, you acting so amazing. Like this guy just reads this on a script, right? And then he takes a beat. He's really thinking it over. He's like, yeah. It's a great lesson, not only in acting, but a great lesson in the like emotions in a human life that what has the effect that let's say angrily screaming has versus contained. Contained rage.

Contained rage has a completely different effect. Yes. And in many ways is much more terrifying. It is more terrifying. The threat with contained rage. You know what it is? It's Joy Hinchcliff doing the pause. Right.

Remember, it was her pausing like, well, I don't have it. And then there was just silence, the silence, the silence had more of an effect than fuck you. Yep. You know, if she had been like, fuck you, it had less of an effect than the silence. The silence made us nervous. Yes. It's because you're left to fill it in.

You fill in the blanks with your own shitty thoughts, which are infinitely more terrifying because they're yours. It's your worst fears that you're projecting. And you put, exactly. You put them in yourself. God, it's brilliant. We got to, I got to remember that when I'm negotiating silence. Yeah.

Listen to this. This is great. This is great. Yeah. There was the possibility you might have to take some kind of loss. Yeah. I think I want my money back. What are you going to do, strong army?

You know, I think that you've gotten the wrong impression about me. I think in all fairness, I should explain to you exactly what it is that I do. For instance, tomorrow morning, I'll get up nice and early. By the way, when he says, I should explain to you what it is that I do, the banker's like, okay, like I'm ready to listen. So he engages too. Because he invites like the explanation that's about to come. I think I should tell you what I do.

And he has no, it's unfathomable of what's about to happen to this guy. He thinks, what I want to tell you what I do is that I take, I invest money with different people and I do these types of things. He thinks a business talk is coming. Right. It's a rational discussion. Right. It's so good.

Which every viewer does the first time too. Yeah. It's so good. I should explain to you exactly what it is that I do. For instance, tomorrow morning, I'll get up nice and early. Take a walk down over to the bank and walk in and see you. If you don't have my money for me, I'll crack your fucking head wide open in front of everybody in the bank.

And just about the time that I'm coming out of jail, hopefully you'll be coming out of your coma. And guess what? I'll split your fucking head open again. Because I'm fucking stupid. I don't give a fuck about jail. That's my business. That's what I do.

And we know what you do, don't we Charlie? You fuck people out of money and get away with it. Hey, you fat Irish prick, you put my fucking money to sleep. You go get my money or I'll put your fucking brain to sleep. Sam. Well, am I fucking Sam? This is personal. I'll be there in the morning.

You could fucking try me, Fatso. You fucking try me. I think you got the point. Because I will say real sociopaths, my stepfather, my ex-stepfather is a real sociopath. And when he was threatening people, they don't get all cray-cray. It doesn't go to 10 until it has to go to 10. It starts off matter of fact. Your fucking kid needs to shut the fuck up.

What do you mean, my kid? Your fucking kid needs to shut the fuck up, I said. And then it escalates. He would really do that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Jesus. Once I'm in the movie theater, a guy wouldn't shut up and he took it outside with him.

Really? Took it outside with him? Took it outside. The grocery store's kid was whining or crying and I told the parents to tell the kid to shut the fuck up. The parents followed him outside. A lot of stuff. A lot of good stuff, guys.

Yeah, genius. I've been dying to share this Facebook post with our audience. Can we do this now? Sure. Do we have anything else on the... No, no, that's fine. This is so funny. I found this online.

It's called 15 Dead Giveaways That Somebody Is American, as told by non-Americans. Hilarious. And I love this shit. We're such wankers. Okay. Number one, friendly to the point that you become suspicious of their intent. Of course. We're super over...

But not as friendly as Canadians. Canadians are genuinely friendly. Americans are... Phony friendly? Yeah. Nice. Canadians generally are more confident in the way they present themselves. Most other countries tend to be more reserved.

Walk into a room full of different nationalities. I guarantee the American person will be the first to introduce themselves. That's so true. A lot of times it's true. We're the asshole, yeah. Hi, buddy. How's it going? Sales, yeah.

Hi, I'm Steve. Yeah. Yeah. Super eager. Number three, when they use the imperial system. I'm not sure I don't understand what that is. The imperial system. The imperial system?

We're considered the imperialist nation. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know what using the imperial system means. Number four, wearing sneakers with anything. It's so true. I think it's a matter of what sneaker. I see sneakers in nationality, but you see a certain sneaker, like you see certain Pumas.

He goes, that's a fucking Italian guy. Yes. Right. His Puma. If they're real tight fitting, they look like racing shoes. Europe. 100%. Yeah.

Like where they hug the foot. Yes. And you can almost see the veins in their fucking feet coming out. That's super Euro. Well, because Euros wear like... But we wear stylish. Yes. They're fashionable.

Ours are like utility sneaker, like dad boners. You've kind of fit well and they're comfortable. Like the white new balanced dad shoes. There's a lot of walking today. Yeah. Fucking nerd alert. Like when we were Macy's yesterday, like there's those total dad boners, like the khakis and the awful sneaks.

Yeah. Big smiles, firm handshakes is number five, absolutely. Yeah. This is my favorite. Number six, using big adjectives generously. Quote, wow, your aunt's kidney stones sound awesome. Or this Euro shopper beer tastes great. Oh, great, huh?

Oh, that's... I totally do that. Yeah, me too. That's great. That's great. Fantastic. Wow. People think I'm...

Why are we so overly effusive with that stuff? Because we're number one. We have to be the best. Everything's exaggerated. Yeah. Everything has to be like just fucking awesome, bro. About everything. Yeah.

Is that... Our competitiveness, maybe. I don't know. Really? Well, I was thinking this, like why do we have to say we're number one about everything all the time? That's the worst. It's so weird.

I cringe when I hear people say that. Yeah. We're the best. Yeah. At what? At what? Why? Yeah.

Why do we have to be? Yeah. Nobody's competing with you, bro. Like, nobody cares. This is the best place in the world. Yeah, okay. Number seven, this is my favorite one. Mostly, it's the prepared for anything look they have about the fanny pack, backpack,

bottled water, camera pouch. Compared to other tourists, Asians tend to herd together for safety while Europeans... Safety. Well, Europeans vary between blend riding Scandinavian to designer brands everywhere. French and traffic laws are for others, Italian. But Americans, this is the best, are the only ones who seem to view a perfectly civilized modern city like some kind of uncharted jungle that doesn't have places to shelter in the rain or buy cheap bottled water.

The funny thing is my South American aunt, who's lived in America for many years, takes it to the... She's by birth in the first 30 years of her life, Peruvian, and she takes preparedness to the Blanca. Shit Blanca. Oh, yeah. She is like... She came out to visit her own children for a weekend and brought two checked bags and

a carry-on, and within them she had a cooler, and she had a cooler that she took out and had snacks, drinks. She has a travel pillow and a travel fucking sleeping bag and blankets, 100 different vitamins. She's like... Yeah, that Los Angeles would be the end of the last place she could buy all these things. She travels with it all. Snacks, treats. So many stuff.

What kind of snack do you need? Protein right now? Do you need carbohydrates? So funny. It's crazy. Yeah, I mean, I've traveled now. I've been to places like Kyrgyzstan. I think Kyrgyzstan.

Even there, you can find treats. You can find food in Kyrgyzstan. Not great stuff, but you can find it. There's hardly a place on earth now that you can't find all the water. Don't set off our Kyrgyz listeners, okay? All right. I don't want to interfere. And I'm looking forward to the emails.

They're like, I heard you say you don't think we're number one. Can we remind you why you have the freedom to do this show? All right? You have the freedom to do this show because you're in the best country in the world, brother. I can't believe we almost forgot the bullhorns and the chips today. I forgot. They were on deck the whole time. Yeah, son.

Okay. Americans, here's Dead Giveaways, Americans. Okay. They say great and are not even being sarcastic. I can't even begin to imagine making a sentence where great actually means great. This is so funny. That's funny. Great.

That's what they want to do. It's so fucking great. Great. Yes, sarcasm. Turns out the flight's not going to take off. Great. Number nine, constant clapping. Hilarious.

I will say, I think some of this is like, it depends on age and it depends. You know what I mean? Of course. This is not a general thing. But I will say this. When I was abroad, when I was in Madrid and we would go down, you know, an area where people would go out, people would be like, oh, there's the American bar. And literally, people were hanging on the rafters outside and like screaming and yelling.

And they would say, do you want to go? I'd go, absolutely not. Because I would see that people that were going to this bar, they were obviously students abroad, were treating it like senior frogs. Of course. And I was like, I want nothing to do with that, man. Of course. It was the most embarrassing.

But at the same time, I'm American and I was there and I wasn't a fucking retard. You know? So it's not fair that you go, everybody acts like that. But there is like a segment of the popular. There's a baseline. Of course. I lived in England for my study abroad year and I would see other American tourists in the neighborhood and I, I'd be fucking mortified because I could hear them being like, oh,

is this a library? Like they're so loud. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And where's the McDonald's? They're eating at McDonald's and TGI fucking Fridays or like, dude, you're in another country asshole.

Just try something. Try something out. I know. But I would, I would say I was Canadian just to not be associated. But you know what? I'm guilty of all this fucking crap too. Yeah. This is funny.

Number 10 being surprised about the topless models on page three, which is guilty, guilty is charged. Guilty. I like. Look at them titties. Because Americans really are the few who we consider breasts to be so fetishized. They're so sexualized. Can't handle it.

They're not a source of food for infants. Like we, we, we absolutely, it's so dumb or even if you are so stupid, lustfully looking at it, it's can like, you should be able to go like, yeah, this is a beautiful naked woman and not lose your fucking mind. Right. Right. I'm on a jack your lights. Fuck you.

Exactly. You can't control yourself. 11, speaking as a former barman or bartender, as American customers would say, tipping, no British person will ever tip a barman. I'll occasionally get a drink by drunk ladies or gents, but Brits actually giving me money for doing a job that I was already being paid for never happened. Well, this is one that I'm happy to be the American on. Yeah.

Because the same thing happened in Spain. They would be like, you're fucking obnoxious for tipping like a dollar or two after a drink and I would go, I don't care. Like fine. They're like, you know, people tip 10 cents or whatever and I go, well, you know, I don't like it's part of our culture. I don't feel badly about it. I wasn't trying to be a show off.

We're not talking about throwing around 20s after every buck or two dude. Yeah. Come on. And, and, and by the way, if you're coming here, you can leave that fucking 10 cent shit back home wherever you're from. No one here wants a dime after a drink. Yeah. You tip a few dollars.

And if you're in a position to tip more, you tip more people survive on tips. I always, when I, whenever I have the money, I try to tip as well as I can. Most definitely. If you ever worked a service industry job, you know that people really depend on that dude. I try to, I really do. And like sometimes if I know I'm going to have one drink or if it's a place I've frequented, you know, more than once, I'll tip $5 on a drink just because I know that it helps the

person out. Oh yeah. I remember when I was working as a cocktail waitress or even just a regular waitress server. If somebody drops like, gives you an extra $20. It makes your night. Of course. It's like, it's a difference between a shitty night and a great night. And obviously we're not talking about, um, if you're not in a position to do that, like

if you're, you know, not, and you don't have disposable income, not saying you should tip beyond your means, but like if you have the money, dude, be classy, be classy, be cool about it. People, this is not, there's some countries where like the wage is way higher, right? So that's why. Yes. That's a theory is like we actually pay our, like in England, it was appalling that we would tip as Americans when I was there.

Because they're like, yeah, but we pay them a decent wage that the burden is not on the consumer. Right. It's on the employer, which I totally understand too. Of course. But when you're accustomed to doing it, it's hard not to. You feel like a dick. Yeah.

You feel like a dick leaving a dime. Yeah. It's not cool. Uh, Americans describe distances and driving time as opposed to miles or kilometers. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. I do that.

I feel like it's like 20 minutes from here. Right. Yeah. We don't use miles. I never use miles. I guess. That's why I'm here as an airport. It's 20 minutes from here.

Right. Yeah. I didn't realize that like people don't say that. No. That's very American. Yeah. We don't use the metric system. Kilometers.

Why don't we do that? It's looked for the only country. Right. Um, I don't, yeah. I, I, we could probably simple, uh, Google search of never understood why we do that. Hmm. Hmm. Let's look it up, let's look it up.

Uh, yeah. Why do we not use that? Like you're taught that in school and then it's completely disregarded in real life. Like everyone else uses kilometers and shit and we don't do it. There's a bunch of things like that. Right. We use miles in the UK too. It says one.

Let's see. No, these kilometers. When the English Southerners came to America, they were using imperial units. Many years after United States declared independence, England moved to the metric system, but the US did not previous attempts to adopt the metrics as portrayed are like communist invasions. So people decided to keep the same units. Yeah. It must be that whole, you know, fuck off England.

We're here now. We're not, we're not doing your Queens bidding. Is that it? It might be. That's why, why we drive on the other side of the road. Somebody's answer was miles is easier to say than kilometers and that's why we go with that. That must be it.

Thank you. Ah, that's fucking good. Yeah. Um, okay. The dead giveaway is when they call you honey or sweetie or darling. I'm sure I am. Yeah. I'm English.

People never say that. They say mate. Uh, this is great. North face jackets everywhere, incredibly loud, but incredibly friendly. Very often you can hear them before you see them and that's the absolute truth about Americans. We are louder than most people. Yeah. The loud thing is, you know, I struggle with loud people now.

So regardless of what city or country I'm in, loud really sets me off. There was a guy and we were coming back from Toronto in the airport right behind us. It's like, I'll be right here. I'm getting a screaming and it makes my asshole poker. I hate it. It's really weird to me that people do that in public. Yeah. Sam, Sam, we'll be over here.

All right, man. Jesus. Stuff yelling. Yeah. It's like, you don't go to a dog, you know, you know, and this is the United States and English is the first language. So no would be more appropriate for Caesar to be using. It's easier to roll off the tongue.

I threw a little kind of xenophobia in there a little bit. Absolutely. The human were more used to saying it than having to learn a sound. And a sound that's obnoxious anyway. It's obnoxious, man. And everybody knows what I'm talking about. Those are the only times that I hear it, the asshole truck driver, you know, making the noise to the 16-year-old girl usually.

It's always something really inappropriate or it's some asshole at the park that thinks he sees some line and I'm hearing every 10 seconds, I'm hearing, you know, it's not effective, dude. Use no and condition no in with the leash. That's more appropriate. Check this out. That means the bitch is in the street. Is he doing voiceover?

Yes. On the videos? Yeah. What? Yeah. That was like, check out that bitch, Cain, you're not Hispanic, you told me that you were Black American. Yeah, I like that, Cain.

Well, these are new levels of videos. I didn't know he's doing this. Oh yeah. Okay. All right. That's news to me. Yeah. Oh boy.

Wow. Hey, can I just say for the record tonight, your teeth look amazing. Really? They look whiter and fresher. Have you been brushing them today? Yeah, I brushed them today. They don't look yellow and buttery like they normally do. All right.

We have a dental update from a listener, and I have to go to the dentist, fuck, I can't go tomorrow. Motherfucker takes tomorrow off. I know. I got to get new bands from my Snore Guard. I know, bro. Fuck, dude. It's still intact right now.

No, I haven't heard you snore. It's been good the last three nights. Dear mommies, I just got back from the first dentist appointment in almost 10 years. Oh no. I have to say that after hearing all the whores on recent dental updates and the pain I was having in my teeth, I had worked myself up in the near-pants-shitting level of terror. Good. Good.

Good. This segment is supposed to inspire fear in your heart. Go to the fucking dentist, bro. I have always been a two-brushing-the-day guy with sporadic flossing and never had a problem, so I put off calling to even set up the appointment because of it. But then the other day, I ate a fun-sized Snickers bar that made my teeth hurt so bad, I almost ran the 24-foot work box truck off the road. Needless to say, I made the appointment for a checkup to see just how many cavities they

would have to fill. Yeah. With that much pain, I was sure I must have had five or six, was going to need a deep cleaning. I went in with that same diarrhea-inducing fear, thinking of the hours of pain and hundreds of dollars I was most likely going to spend and came out the best dentist visit I have ever had. The doctor told me the pain I felt was from my slight receding in my gums and exposure of some of the nerves through the grinding of my teeth at night.

I had no cavities at all, and the doctor said I only needed the standard cleaning and that some Sensodyne toothpaste will fix up my gums in no time. I just wanted to thank the mommies for doing dental updates because without them, I would not have stepped up my flossing game to main mommy-like levels. So thank you. Keep your genes high and tight because I keep mine so high and tight, I had to cut holes in front of my pockets so my arms can stick out and you can see the outlines of my nipples and my denim.

I signed Brett from Vancouver, Washington. Wow, Brett. Great update. Thank you. I just want to point it out there that one time I also thought that I had multiple cavities. Turned out my teeth were just sensitive and my dentist prescribed Sensodyne, so he's right. Sometimes it's just as simple as switching your toothpaste to a more sensitive brand. Really neat stuff.

Interesting stuff. Really good stuff. I have a dental update about my veneers. You do? Well, minor. You didn't tell me this was happening. It's more of an addendum to the veneer process. What happens is they actually shift and they move around and every now and then I panic

because it feels like they're going to pop off. But also I've had to learn how to smile differently because your muscles get used to smiling a certain way with your old teeth and now I've learned to smile even differently. Really? The muscles, yeah, because my teeth were crooked in the front before. So how did you smile before? I would just like, I can't describe it. I was like that and now I actually have to smile wider because my teeth are longer.

He built them longer. It's very new. It's very like they're millimeters off your muscles. Your mouth muscles. Your mouth muscles work differently now. My smile's different. How about this right here? I don't know.

When I smile like this, by the way, whenever I go like this, it's like my big smile. Yeah, that's a good one. You go, you're happy with yourself. You're pleased with yourself. Yes. That smile is smug. It's a smug smile? Yes.

I just did something. I'm better than you. That's it. Yeah. Mischievous. How does it send that message? Because I know you. I'm pleased with myself.

I've done something naughty. Oh, yeah. I'm very pleased. I'm smug. I'm very smug. Okay. That's your, yeah. All right.

Your genuine smiles different. I mean, a genuine smile, let's think of something you like. That's terrible. It is? That's not really a smile. What was that? You was like, hmm. Different.

Yeah. It's not real. You know, you can tell someone's smiling. It's in the eyes, actually. Okay. If their eyes crinkle, the wrinkles come out. Yeah. That's a real smile.

There you go. That's real. That's real. See? See how you can tell? It's different. Yeah. Okay.

There you go. When people just use their mouth. Yeah. You can tell, right? Yeah. Look, look. I'm going to do that. Yeah.

It's in the eyes. It's in the eyes. Now smile for real. Yeah. Oh, you look like, like Ren Stimpey. Ren. Oh, Ren. I did it again, Ren.

I loved Ren Stimpey. Oh, guys. Also, watch this week's episode of Funniest Wins on TBS. Oh my God. It's so good. It's so good that TBS actually released it on their website a week early. Please watch it. We do a roast.

I don't want to say of who, but it is fucking bananas. This is like Tina's episode, guys. It's the best. It's your episode. It's my. Because there's another thing before the roast. It's ridiculous. That you do very well.

It's ridiculous. You guys should tune in to see my mad skills. All right. Okay. I love you guys. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, God.

That's good, babe. Okay. We got to go. We love you guys. We love you very much. Okay. Love you. Friday, you'll have a live from Toronto.

All right. That's nice, James. Bye, guys. Bye, guys. Bye, guys. Bye, guys. Bye, guys. Bye, guys.

Bye. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye, guys. Bye, guys. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye.

Bye, guys. Bye, guys. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye. Bye, guys. Bye.