Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 241-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 23, 2014

Eat the booty, if you want to be in the gang! That's a philosophy the mommies can definitely support! Trick loves the kids, but he's also way into eating the booty. We acknowledge and honor his passion. Are you passionate about it too? Please do tell us.  When the jeans step into the bedroom, it's full of hungry eyes and hardcore RAP! Tina knows her man likes beats and rhymes, so she's shifting her sensibilites and wooing her man with that BASS! Are farts foreplay? We think it is even if you don't think it is - It's Only Smells... There's only one group of people ruining the flowers in Elizabeth Park, do you know what type of gypsy we're referring to? Take a guess.  You gots to feed a bitch!!!

This is real gangster shit This weekend Friday Saturday and Sunday you get two moms for the price of one two moms one jeans we were in Ontario, Canada not too long ago now we're going into Ontario California the state of Ontario that's right the Inland Empire though this time California the discount mall come see us it really is isn't it it really is rare by the way that we do stand up together like this it doesn't happen a lot a special favor we put it this way for the last I don't know six seven eight months we did New Year's together we did a Valentine's

Day together and then this is it but don't let that stop you from coming to see your main mommy August 9th Jesus and Pasadena so listen if you're close to the Dina I say come out there August 9th at the ice house in the side room the small room I'll be telling jokes 730 and 930 for real mommies only are you a real mommy proven yeah I want to see you there August 9th and I mean it all right it would mean a lot to me guys small room here's some better service some more fun I'm in Sacramento next week at the punchline that's in the inner sack please come out that is July 31st August 2nd then I'm doing the Pittsburgh improv with

your baby's mother your baby's father excuse me and also the concierge Matt on the full charge we're doing the Pittsburgh improv together August 7th 8th 9th and 10th and then I go to Columbus Ohio with denim on denim Gatorade and hot dogs for life Jeff Tate that's August 14 through 17 so live on that diet I know then one of the greatest clubs in the entire world comedy works in Denver downtown August 28th through 30th then the jeans and I are doing only one show one show and that is September 18th and Fort Lauderdale improv that's not how you say it what is it it's fart Lauderdale fart Lauderdale

improv in Hollywood Florida and let me tell you it's our only South Florida show of the year that means if you're in West Palm Beach Lake Okeechobee Stewart Palm Beach Gardens Miami Miami South Beach all of Dade County all of Broward County Davey Florida Homestead Florida the keys anywhere down there we are only doing one it is going to be a fucking party September 18th at the Fart Lauderdale improv the seminal hard rock casino please get the tickets now the seminal a few weeks later I'm in Northern Jesus how many fucking where is northern Florida what is that Panama City doing not far north but I'm doing

Orlando oh mom Lando guys also August 14 through 17th I'm at rooster tee feathers in Sunnyvale California I'm not sure where Sunnyvale is but if you live there you do that's a really good way of doing it I should have done it like that I might have had better numbers if I had done it that way no I don't know where it is but you do if you live there that's a great way of pitching here's a thing I grew up in California and Sunnyvale I know it's up north I know that it's I fly to San Jose Airport it sounds fun it sounds pleasant sunny is in the title yeah so rooster

rooster I think that's do it again who was that was what was that was all from the FIFA World Cup yes oh boy how do you think they came up with a name rooster tee feathers I it's supposed to be like I'll say I'll say I'll say it like that guy I think it's there like here's a good idea I have it what business would match up with this awesome name you're saying they they came up with the name first oh for sure the business to the name that's what I would done that's smart all right you want to do this show yeah party man let's do this shit let's do this shit yo

I put up some pictures recently it was you and a few other rappers and y'all have some shirts on that said eat a booty gang yeah we eat a booty game no no I'm out of it baby later we got you you know no a lot of motherfuckers will try radio station I'm in the car Ricky smiley as that's my homeboy anyway you know you know they get they joke back on you know I'm a big jokes it too so but they were trying to insinuate that we were some fruity ass niggas or something but they we eat a booty game for you niggas won't eat your own ass we'll eat it

don't bring anyone loving to this welcome to your mom's house the you know who you look like when you conducted this orchestra at the end Gandalf oh yeah you commanded that will power at the end right like it was magic that's true I did it was really good yep he turned me up my headphones you know we just did this I know but I feel I feel like I can't I can't hear when I'm rapping you know I'm saying meow meow that's better thank you meow meow meow meow yeah yeah yeah do me a favor though yeah can you press pause for

a minute okay I hear crackling all right we sounds yeah we're good I really like that opening clip eat a booty gang yeah I guess somebody was implying that they're fruity as something's and that's what he was saying you know I'm gonna see your impressive other eat a booty game and like I say our motto is lay down baby baby lay down we've got you and our theme for this year is ass backwards you y'all made up the name you know from your point of view what does eat a booty mean eat a booty mean is like you know I recently retired from eating pussy huh wait a minute doesn't he doesn't eat the pussy anymore why would he retire

because he's the president and the CEO of the eat a booty gang oh he's got he's too many commitments on that new gig no it's like like I don't you know I'm not gonna be in charge of the I could be in french fries if I'm if I run the company that makes milkshakes no I understand like you're the CEO of Hooters you don't eat chicken wings at DJI Fridays at Fridays that's right he's the CEO the eat a booty game do you think I mean is he has he registered papers for that company are they paying their quarterly taxes I'm sure I'm sure they are you know I don't eat pussy no more so I suck pussy and I eat the booty oh boy oh boy oh

boy he sucks pussy babe yeah he sucks the pussy this you know who that is right no you know who this is big daddy Kane no but there's a daddy his name daddy Yankee no good guess daddy long legs no a lot of dads trick daddy trick daddy fuck bro mm-hmm you like trick daddy yeah I have all of his I have all of his records huge fan huge fan I have his first album of the second album I have the 10th album you're the 10th album yeah I like his old stuff better though his he has some I did I did always like the the shut up song remember no I mean yeah yeah you don't remember that one well could you sing it for me well here's

the I'm a thug one this is from the video I like this song actually okay big I'm a thug all day every day and by the way I feel like this is back when he was eating pussy different rhymes come when you suck it's sucking pussy baby well now he's my jeans my jeans yep he's a big fan he listens anyways that's yeah that's a good song that's a trick daddy I wish he's singing about jeans more I bet we could talk to him about it yeah you gotta pull them jeans up what do you think of that pull them up you gotta suck pussy through the

jeans you gotta tell me what about what people saying that you can't do it again hey we're gonna let them down well that's things it sounds all fucked up it's an underwater record anyways back to I want to know just about sucking pussy and eating the booty now yeah me too I'd like to hear more about that yeah see well something something going on there hmm I wonder what made him stop eating pussy you know did he have a bad experience and then he went exclusively to sucking pussy and eating ass what could turn a man off Tom to eating pussy maybe he had a real a real bad dirty pussy yeah you know but I

don't know if that would stop but yeah can I tell you I feel like that doesn't deter a man well no I just make you go get a new clean one yeah but he said that somebody implied that him and his boys were fruit cakes right and that he started eating assholes because of that which is not the the logical route to now that actually strengthens the assumption of you being a fruit cake now I learned this when I took the LSAT to get into law school for two weeks you have to negate the assumption to crush the argument all right level you know we big big dog in this shit okay and I like the ladies to eat me out too shit

don't get it twisted I don't have no complex so he likes getting his ass eaten well who doesn't right that's cool don't get it twisted I gotta say I was a you know in my younger days I was a eat ass on the first date guy yeah that's not true yeah on the first date I mean I'm talking about like in my early 20s and stuff yeah that's what I would do I'd be my first move go to move it's really intimate it's more intimate than eating box anything I the thing is I wanted to know I wanted them to know that I'm in business you know mm-hmm and I thought that that was a good way to establish it wait a minute but but did you take him

out to nice dinner beforehand you know I'm saying don't don't take no lady out for coffee you know I'm saying you gotta feed a bitch you know I'm saying yeah yeah bitch gotta eat but you gotta you know I'm saying bitch I ain't I ain't gonna give you the booty and you gonna give me a motherfucking cookie that's what's up okay all right bitch gotta eat you gotta feed a bitch feed a bitch you know I'm saying you know I'm saying you gotta put it out the people are gonna go in you know I mean I know you weren't surprised with people's reaction but you know me but I ain't never gave a fuck about what a motherfucker had to say about

me that's what I've been everywhere but they let you just seen anything but the way I ain't never did nothing for candy reference I'm a nigga born of a great great descendant of a slave my mom had a level trip from ten different men I didn't have inherited I wouldn't I didn't hear the motherfucker that I grew up on welfare food stuff you know I'm saying I had the likes of my name when I was two years old so everything I got I got a fucking from the gutter so my pride and being shane has nothing to do with how you look at me or how you feel about me they always ask me no how you do it for so long though how you keep it real for

so long like no how they keep it fake for so long that's a lot of acting and even niggas ain't getting no motherfucking Oscars opinions to me like assholes shit I really like him yeah he's pretty good I really like this guy what his name again daddy Yankee no come on daddy trick daddy shit I really like this guy he's gonna come over here and eat your ass I really I really like when people that keep it 100 like this I really do yeah I appreciate it daddy he's not full of shit I don't think no he's not no he's being tight I like him yeah all right there's that interview trick daddy that's pretty good stuff

why don't you eat my ass more you never let me wait back to eating asshole so if you take a girl out for dinner though you gotta be careful which cuisine you pick if you're gonna eat her butthole but you know if she if she's farty or whatever any of that shit you know what it's all these matters okay it's all it's the worst argument to tell a woman it's only a smell what it's okay it's only smell it's only smell it's okay it's only smells it's only smells what that guy is a savage Rocco Sopreti is a real savage yeah yep I wish we could have him on our show it's too bad he's not in LA yeah I think he's in your motherland oh

yeah he married a Hungarian mm-hmm that's the last time we spoke which we did speak Rocco and I had a long conversation once at a comedy taping right wasn't I coming to be you would you were taping something for show to wrestle yeah and I actually got to talk to Rocco Sopreti and I was just thrilled you're giving him a handjob in the fucking giving each other handjobs by the pool I just love him so much got he's such a nice gentleman it charming sweet does a lot for local charities the Boy Scouts things like that that's if I could hold his cock that's all it's mouth he's like yes you can hold it's nice it's only

smell it feels weighty no now it was since we're talking about romance and eating but holes and stuff well you just said how come you don't even ask more yeah you're always saying no here's why bro because you always want to do it you get listen you got to give a somebody a heads up okay when you're gonna you can't be like gotta feed a bitch you got first of all you gotta feed a bitch okay number one number two you need to give people heads up if you're gonna want to eat their butthole because it's not a spontaneous how much of a heads up listen when we had Jules Ventura on here and she talked about preparing for a

scene yeah you got to prepare for your scenes and you gotta be like hey can we later do this and then I you got a fresh enough down there okay you can't just I can't come in from riding my bike for an hour and then you're like I want to like your butthole and then you get upset with me like why don't you want to do but what I'm upset about is that you actually had the audacity to say why don't you eat my butt as if I'm not making an effort I'm just kidding I'm not very serious about it I'm not very dedicated okay I want to eat your butt later there I can't hear you what oh this is a neat machine here that's your

response to me professional desire to eat your butthole yeah so you don't want at all well I don't know I can't decide some days I do it depends on how much wine I'm drinking you know what I mean yeah I'm really hammered yeah then you want it I guess okay why do you do that during the show you're ruining everything do you think people want to hear that Tom walk them through what I did for you last night it was pretty cool oh sneezing oh now it's just for attention so we were preparing to make sweet love last night yeah you said you wanted to actually romance me yes for a change

because usually you really set the charm oh god oh come on now you're acting because you usually take responsibility for setting up the ambiance in the room and that you do things like lay on your back and pump your leg up and down in fart and then you're like why don't you when you want to have sex with me right now or I come in the room and all the lights are on and the TV's on and the dogs on the bed and you're like let's fuck I'm like okay well that's not how you romance a lady you're a fucking rude pig I have been yeah I've been you're rude no you're a rude no you're rude no you're rude because I've been lighting

candles all that stuff to bring you into the bedroom for a while now and you're always like oh I like what you and then now you like but now you're like you have the lights on the dogs like what the fuck man you just full of shit today okay so then what did I do for you walk the list why are you full of shit what are you making up that I'm not doing nice things to get in the bedroom I mean occasionally you do those things what the fuck are you like the candles and stuff but a lot of the times it's like I'm farting come over here whatever so you told me to wait in living room and then you call me into the bedroom I go

into the bedroom okay you're like now it's okay to come in yeah you have it's like less than half a wick of a candle lit sure it's very dark in there we're not rich people but then you have a song playing in the background on the jet not light up but above the wreck they'll do anything to turn us on them boys got it going on I like a big booty and big old titties bitch you know you can fuck by many so come and be my private dancer I got two million that's the answer I really want to be with you I get hard after seeing you how hard hard like a rock when I see that pussy pop that I was singing the clean version so what made you choose to

you said this is would get me you're like I know you like this that's what you said as I walk in we were in the car earlier and to live crew is on and I'm like this is the shit you love huh this is like your childhood jams and you're like absolutely I love to live crew this is like your childhood band I thought this is like your Beatles the two live crew no not at all break it it took your mom must make it it's a good song yeah this is not my Beatles this is no you love to live crew it's romantic it gets you in the mood it's romantic it gets me in the mood listen any man would love the song in the background I'm just

supposed to lay next to you in bed with this playing this is for married sex marital people could you imagine hey you love it, look at you it's ridiculous it's ridiculous, what do you mean? oh, that's a nice rime champagne glass stick my dick in your ass

this is the asian guy, right? no hey you played this I love this song to make love to your husband yes, well it was a joke, Tom no

it was a joke I just thought it'd be really funny to have you come in and have the most awful song playing yeah my Beatles were playing in the background you love them yeah how did the asian guy get into Two Live Crew?

he delivered actually food to the recording studio one time he did you want the tiniest food? and then they were like yeah, he said like give me that, I'll make you hot and they're like, you can rhyme wait a minute, we need a rhyme to come up with champagne glass

I'll put my dick in your ass there you go you in the bed now, motherfucker um, but something else happened after we turned off yeah my Beatles right my Beatles were done playing

and we were going to make sweet love and what happened? we got into an hour conversation about? farts what? it's all in this mess, it's okay it's all in this mess

but that was your fault because you were like tell me about that fart I made earlier no you wanted to brag about what you would do no, no, I got to tell you I think I have a fart coming in and you're like, come on

and I go, there's nothing I can do I have some farts that was not a fart machine fart what the fuck I was getting in the spirit and then you were like, how are we going to do this? and I go, it's all right, it's okay it's all in this mess

and we just had to wait for a while well, because you can't you get mad at me when I fart before we're going to do it and then you farted last night a bunch but you were so amused like a baby is no

you're so into it and then you brought up the farts that you did after we got off the airplane yesterday you were so super farty in the kitchen the problem is that I had I had built up some farts on the flight always

see, look at you getting happy again just thinking about it brings you joy you see it well, I remember I went to pee right before we landed and I was like in the bathroom I let one out there that was amazing

and I was like oh see see, look how excited you are again to talk about it this is how he was last night this is how you were last night in bed we were laying there

and you're just laughing it hard about you're so disgusting, look at you you're turning purple you're so excited about it you're so pleased with yourself my husband can't even talk right now he's so happy I felt so good

oh let's see yeah oh yeah when you laugh like dastardly dog I know you really like it look at it, look at it

he came and breathed you're so impressed with yourself so we then we got in the car and I couldn't fart in the car with the driver oh my god

Jesus fucking chatty Kathy yeah, so then we got to the house they were built up when you save them they grow it's like interest accrued on your savings

it's exactly like a savings account great analogy yeah, it's like an investment at that point so I had something for you thank you yeah here we go again

really enjoying yourself you know what's funny is I wouldn't say funny but troubling is that you said that you actually are holding back on farts with me yeah that you only so how many are you

what's the ratio that you're holding back there's just times when I actually do hold back like last night we had just finished making love and I wanted to fart but I held it for a few minutes thanks

not long apparently not that long it's a few minutes thank you yeah I was I was I appreciate the respect oh my god just thinking about it

is still making you tickled you're so proud of yourself right now so pleased unbelievable look at you you're crying you're such an animal there's no other woman you can be married to

you realize that I don't think so you bring that up a lot I don't think that's true I mean I think some chicks would dig this how many of your ex-girlfriends did you did they just love your post-coital farts

your pre-coital farts a lot of them they realize it's not what it's on his mask it's on his mask they I think that if you pull this audience right now

a lot of women are with a guy who's doing the same thing you think it's only you but like there's women listening they're like no my husband my boyfriend of course

of course so I'm saying a lot of women could tolerate this tolerate yes I'd love to celebrate very smaller pool smaller pool

and love this smaller pool I don't know I think they'd be into it I think they'd be into it into it yeah I mean you forget that I'm the

the secretary of treasury of the Ita Booty Gang I'm in the Ita Booty Gang God can I have a sip of your coffee it's not warm anymore I don't care I don't give a fuck

okay this is good stuff oh my God I don't think I was gonna fucking cry doing that big dental update guys yesterday we came home

from our trip to Fartford, Connecticut and on our doorstep was a wonderful gift of a water pick which we've been discussing so far so far

so far so far so far so far so far so far so far so far

so far so far so far so far so far so far so far so far

so far so far so far so far so far so far so far so far

so far so far so far so far so far so far so far so far

so far so far so far so far so far so far so far so far

so far so far so far so far so far so far so far so far

so far so far so far so far so far so far so far so far

so far so far so far so far so far so far so far so far

so far so far so far so far so far so far so far so far

so far so far so far so far so far so far so far so far

so far so far so far so far so far so far so far so far

so far so far so far so far so far so far I don't have Fifo teeth hehe

Um, we should thank the um thank you for that wonderful gift We are gonna pressure wash our teeth and hopefully Tina's buttholes I can get in there, like to eat a booty gang

member than I am But I want to thank all the fartford people that came out to the shows this weekend um, thank you for coming to the Mullen Manchester Connecticut um, we had a great time

we did something unique uh, different for us um, because we were together we decided to run a car this week usually on the road you're just stuck at the hotel we ran in a car

and we went to beautiful Elizabeth gardens that was super fun yeah, I decided to keep Tommy company this week because I was just home and I'm like, why do I stay home and then I get depressed and alone

when I can go with you and bring the dog and we can have like a family week you know mm-hmm yeah, and so um on the suggestion of a friend we went to Elizabeth park

and it was so pretty there's flowers and children running around and running into the flowers yep step stepping on the um

the gardening yeah the thing that takes people like hours and days yeah it was neat there's such savages I mean

it really crushed my spirit to see people like let's take a picture and then they would they would trample the bushes and trample these beautiful flowers like we got to step into the bushes

like no you don't and keep in mind we're obviously we're not talking about white people we're doing this oh my god, Tom Tom but you know

some others Tom I'm sure white people do it too but it's just never been seen by other people okay Tom that's

we don't know the ethnic makeup of the people trampling flowers we definitely saw them okay so we know what they are alright

and we're sure that people that look like us have never done it okay Tom Jesus Christ but that's but that's not what this is about

this isn't about pointing out the shade of skin color of the people how much melanin you have in your sit doesn't matter

oh my god those are big words Tom you're using your big words on that well I think by using your coding people are going to assume what

now that it's you know that they have a lot of melanin no but I'm saying that I think it should be expressed that

if you go if you go to the Caribbean and there's an island that's known for knives that that was really the predominant

group no for knives yeah that was well that was really the predominant that's terrible no

people should know what's going on in their parts and it was obvious who it was you know when you're Puerto Rican you're just Puerto Rican

oh my god and we saw the big hoop gold earrings and the smoking the smoking the lady Puerto Rican you're just Puerto Rican

she was smoking with her baby I'm gonna stop this she let her baby have some of the cigarette stop she did not her baby could

no eat out of her fast food bag she did and then her baby could jump on the roses and then her Puerto Rican husband would be like yeah get in there

yeah they did not blow smoke into the baby's face and there were no they were smoking they were smoking it is weird to see people smoking

in like these really pristine just nature environments I like when she saved her cigarette she took a drag she put it out on the park bench

nice park bench yeah and she put it back in for like I got one for later I can smoke this later on right right you know in Hungary

there's a place called the Margitseget which is like sounds really beautiful can you say it again it sounds gorgeous Margitseget and it's an island

where you can go same idea like gardens young people making out on park benches but then the goddamn cigans the gypsies show up

yeah and they ruin it for everybody right they're doing the same stuff smoking the equivalent of Hartford Puerto Rican

Hartford Puerto Rican right I know what you're saying it's funny I didn't know there were many Puerto Ricans in Hartford they all hang out at Elizabeth Park definitely

yeah they ruin it they ruin it well at least these two didn't abandon their kid I mean that's something they do right and that's saying something that's nice huh

you still got the kid did you care for that kid a lot of times you believe the kid it's good of you guys to keep it that is kind of them it's just it's not even about race it's just about low class idiots

ruining it for everybody you know why you gotta ruin the nice park for everybody putting your trash everywhere smoking walking over actually I thought the most

disrespectful part wasn't the cigarettes it was walking on top of like bushes and flowers so you're like what the fuck man right which is the only reason anybody's there

is to look at the amazing gardens and you're stepping on it you fucking dick yeah you fucking dick yeah well fuck you fucking asshole

friends are the worst you know it's so funny and trunel some guy from the audience is like where's Vivo is he with friends and I totally walked into it and I was like no he's with his baby sitter

and then you go friends are the worst I'm like oh shit I just walked into that stupid idiot fucking stupid idiot so that was Fartford one other neat thing

that happened in Hartford is that we got to sample the local cuisines and by that I mean we ate twice at TGI Fridays TGI

FRIDAYS we all let's make this exciting this is about TGI FRIDAYS Fridays we went there

three times well there's this really cool thing about certain towns and I guess it's like fucking Fartford when we were there and that is

that literally nothing would match up with our schedule when you're stand up it's the worst it's all about firing things up it's all about getting two Jack Daniels

dishes new on our pick two for ten minute time here's what sucks when you do stand up you're up late as shit right

you're up late every night yeah not only do your shows end late you know you're keyed up after shows you go to bed super late and we're on the west coast time

right that's a big big factor yeah so we go we're there you sleep in you know we're not getting up at like

five in the afternoon but you get up at like one let's say you drag you drag and you're getting you're in your hotel you're like I'm going to have a cup of coffee

then you're basically like by the time you get dressed and ready to go out it's after two everywhere that we wanted to have breakfast they were like oh we stopped serving it too

then there's places we went to where it says online three and they're like oh now we're summer hours summer hours what summer hours mean two

but you think summer hours mean later because the sun's out longer nah nah we're cutting back by the way we're just cutting back an hour to disrupt

there's people finishing breakfast we just don't want you to have breakfast so then we would leave there and we ended up being like alright there's nowhere to go and then after the shows

nothing was open except fridays Friday's signature Jack Daniels Burger and I knew Jack Daniels classic chicken duels

and entree plus an appetizer picked two for just ten bucks that's why in here it's always Friday yeah why does that guy sound like

he's got come in his mouth it's always Friday that's why here it's always Friday Jack Daniels chicken Jack Daniels chicken like those pot stickers huh yeah

here's your bruschetta pasta oh great now what else can I get you now at Friday's it's an entree plus an appetizer or dessert

for two dollars which is ten bucks oh boy we really overdid it at Friday's yeah I made the mistake because I want to keep it light I had the broccoli cheddar soup

it's more just like chunks of cheddar soup so disgusting you didn't really finish that this is half of it and then that Jack Daniels chicken

all that is is like a sweet glaze it's not there's no Jack Daniels about it it's a Jack Daniels shrimp you get your Jack Daniels shrimp and you get your Jack Daniels chicken and steak Jack Daniels personally came in every single

bucket of this it's the best Jack Daniels come and the thing is do you realize that Friday's is essentially the bullhorn of food like it's just shitty food but they add bullhorns to it

yep it's just dumb they got their flair on they got their marlins everywhere dude how about the fucking smell of it that's not its only smells something weird happened

okay because Sunday you only have one show it's relatively early in most cities it's usually like a seven o'clock show yeah so we finished of course it's pretty early

but everything in Farford was closed at least in Manchester Sunday it's the Lord's Day yeah so I was like god damn it we got to go to Friday's again again yeah so we went to Friday's they put us

they sit us down and a server our server comes up she seems nice enough and what would you like to drink Charles does you know we tell her

we want to drink she leaves a few moments later we hear a scream in the kitchen where everybody turned their head it wasn't like for us it was like

the whole restaurant turned around and there's something to the effect of like get out of my kitchen somebody was like there's a man in my kitchen or something something's in the kitchen they yelled it

one person yelled it it was a showstopper ten seconds later a server goes hey I'm gonna be your server now different server yeah I'm gonna be your server now

your previous server is no longer and I thought she had been dropped from her shift yeah she's working the table next to us well it's very awkward it is awkward but here's the thing sometimes

what happens is you have your section right as a wait staff person yeah and then like let's say that girl just saw us and she's like oh I'll just take this table and she sat us maybe in somebody else's section

and maybe she was gonna try to jump that girls table so maybe that girl complaining to the manager was like that's my section you can't take my section that's what I'm thinking happened well no you had another thought

and then cause full trauma was with us too we all I thought we decided that she hated my comedy she saw my special she's like I saw your Netflix special

and you're not welcome in TGA Fridays is for a different type of person yeah don't you fucking come in here on a Sunday it's never Friday in your head cause I saw it deep inside of it yeah and it's always Monday or Tuesday

yeah yeah yeah get the fuck out of here he coming to another Friday's fucking try me fat so yeah yeah so she hated us

but what was it about the replacement server that stood out to you well I didn't catch it at first you in full charge caught it the first two times she walked away

and then on the third time I got it like she walked away and about it was like a three two one and then I got hit

with this cloud of extreme B.O. dude it was so intense intense it was so intense and here here's the thing

I you know what it actually smelled so strong to that to my mind I go I don't think it's actually on her per se as much as

I think it's that shirt because to me it smelled like like when you're in a locker room and somebody left a shirt that they sweat in in the locker room

it's like she has a work shirt and has never washed it that's obvious that's what I was thinking it was so strong cause I've worked at places with uniforms and you know you don't want to wash your uniform

and I'm like you know I've done that when I worked at the Bar Stux I just recycled that shit a few times she's probably recycled her that's her Sunday shirt she's like

it's a Sunday audience who cares Sunday crowd dude's really crazy but how many days of not washing does it take to smell like that I know my shirt wouldn't smell like that

after a day but if you're working on a busy shift at Fridays you know you're running around it stunk yeah she was vile yeah I mean like

and to be at a place where people are eating and smelling like that it's not just like like a business it's a it's hey doesn't everything smell good

so you can eat she smelled like fucking balls I know dude stinky nuts and she was cute she was like a young pretty girl and we're like

what in the hell yeah she smelled real bad I'm looking back I think it ruined my cheddar soup yeah cause you thought it was the fucking soup that smelled like that

that's why you're like I'm eating this yeah that was powerful especially for TJ Fridays they have such tight corporate standards your father loves it there

yeah he loves it and you know consistent alright and now I'm getting I like the Jack Daniels stinky shrimp it's good

he loves TJ Fridays love it 100% yeah got a good pretty got a good attitude yeah we go there when we're visiting in Florida

let's go to Fridays he makes us go to Fridays yep I know I'm like get the stinky shrimp it's good that encourages you

to get the Jack Daniels I like the Jack Daniels anything else that's your call that's your call of course it's my call asshole I'm the customer

why wouldn't it be my call the commercial like what's going on in here it's so dumb it's um they're really having fun like yeah

people are popping beer bottle tops and and then there's like two really good looking girls you know when people take pictures when they're out

they're posing for a picture of the bar but I've never seen girls that look like them at Fridays nope the girls I see at Fridays don't don't look like that at all they usually have a different smell

they usually don't have all those teeth those girls have all their teeth you know what though in the in the 80s my dad and my mom used to go to Fridays

there's one in Woodland Hills here in the San Fernando Valley and every Friday night at Fridays that bar was going off so there was a time when the bar at TJ Fridays was actually the place to go in the valley

so you know maybe one time it was cool but it's like a family place now it's really gay yeah used to be more fun and they took down like all the crap

remember they used to just be like tons of flair bar stools on the walls and you know phone booths and crazy shit tambourines everywhere but your dad would also be proud of us

because not only did we do two Fridays we did two outback steakhouse trips and McDonald's coffee at four in the morning on our trip back to Boston to go to the airport yeah your dad loves McDonald's coffee

I do not I think it's dog shit coffee that was horrible I think it's the worst I'd rather drink Ronald McDonald's cup than a cup I only drank it because um

I had to the other day oh it was terrible yeah I mean that was that was a drive that was just impossible to do terrible yeah

oh before I forget I'm bragging watch this last episode of Funniest Wins on TBS it's on their website TBS.com if you don't have cable I believe um your mom was challenged

alright the gauntlet was thrown down and Marlon Wayans made us do a snap rap battle now Tommy you've done a lot of snap rap battles well you stop it growing up a lot well when you were

when Too Live Crew was the Beatles for you as a youngster on the mean streets in Dade County mm-hmm you would do that a lot right yeah that's true that's true I mean it's just kind of how you got by yeah

challenged it's like your mama jokes anyways it was fucking amazing please watch uh this last episode it was so it felt so good to beat a bunch of dudes at this stupid snap rap battle there's gangster

and then same episode there's a roast so much fun yeah the best part is it's the roast of Ray J mm-hmm which we've all seen his feature films and

he gets so crazy he gets really upset yeah he gets really mad it's really funny it's really a good episode I'm proud of it that's the one episode I'm very very proud of yeah

so tune in turn on drop out um this is kind of a big deal the chips uh we're in vice this week whoop whoop

it's up right now if you go to uh our site your momshousepodcast.com you can find the link it's also in our twitter feed uh

we were in Toronto a few weeks ago we went to the vice offices there and um did an interview and they wrote a very nice

podcast and they wrote a very nice podcast and they did an interview and they wrote

a very nice article about your mothers but also about you the little mommy who wears their jeans um and about the you know

the awesome fucking community that has become uh thriving and active because of

this wonderful show well yeah what's neat is that um Jordan the guy that wrote the article got to actually come to the Toronto show yeah

so it's not like he put in the article like he got to see right he interviewed us then he came to the show and then he he hit us afterwards

he was like what the fuck he couldn't believe yeah and I don't think I could that that Toronto show

really was like whoa what is happening like our show is so unique I really feel like it's so it is like this dialogue

between us and the people who listen to it and it's very personal and at the same time I'm patting myself on the back um

and also another mage news in Tom's world Tom what happened to you on Twitter the other day

oh my god that was so cool I got to get that framed that's how excited I am for it I you know do you ever realize I don't know how

this works like this way for you that like your the things you don't put thought into always like end up getting

the most response like tweets that I've been like that's a really well constructed tweet and then I write it nobody cares it gets like seven retweets

but if I just go like like don't putting thought into it write it up then it gets a hundred you know so I I think it was right before I went to bed

I just remembered that New Wave the company that produced my special isolated the bit from my special called shouting black where I talk about

shouting like a black guy and how I did it one time to big daddy Cain and so I remember they put it up on YouTube I saw it so I just got the thought to tweet

to big daddy Cain so I did I wrote big daddy Cain do you remember this and then I linked it and it got retweeted and favored it and stuff I went to bed

the next morning I get up in the hotel I open my Twitter feed and who do I see a response from big daddy Cain so great you were like Christmas morning

oh my god I don't think I've ever been this excited no definitely not for a tweet no I've never been this excited and here is what he wrote to me he

I wrote do you remember this he wrote nah but everyone rushed to tell me about it when you said the joke hashtag hilarious continued success to you my brother how cool is that it's the coolest fucking thing ever

I've never been this happy that's the equivalent of Paul McCartney writing you a tweet who's that that is so exciting we need to frame it let's get it in a frame like this size

yeah what I was thinking of doing is blowing up my tweet to him yeah and then his response to me making it a document and then like a high res thing

printing it up and framing it it's a great idea yeah isn't that funny how I mean it's this era is so special yeah that you can actually just fucking do that

and talk to someone that you've admired your whole life well the cool thing is he respond like I've tweeted celebrities and people that I've wanted responses from before for sure

yeah I mean you know I don't expect to get sometimes it's like a joke that you write them and sometimes you go you realize it's a shot in the dark you don't know what's going to happen

but the fact that he responded it's amazing the coolest so mage where does he live I'm sure he still lives in New York as far as I know he's in east coast

he's a Brooklyn guy yeah wow you're so excited you never get excited about stuff and that was like you were practically doing cartwheels yeah

that and farting are your two favorite things Big Daddy Kane and farting you know I wouldn't put it like that yeah I don't think I've ever seen you that excited even like

really or wedding day oh come on marriage and then I've never seen you this happy what about for farts you think I've been excited for farts clearly look at your face right now

Tom I'll just say the word farts oh look at that smile you look like patch items right it's on his mask okay yeah

it's okay that's exciting I'm trying to think of who I met Kim Deal once and that was my freak out moment but I don't have it documented you were very excited about and you were talking about it for days

I'm still talking about it I know and I mean you were getting remember when we walked by her and you go should I say something and I was like I go

just go for it because I was such a nerd I had on my pixies vans and my pixies purse you're like it was cute it was like when you see little kids meeting their

like idols and stuff like you go like oh hey little kids Kobe Bryant and they're like oh my god like you were like that but if you hadn't told me to

I wouldn't have talked to her I would never have met Kim Deal if it weren't for you because I stopped we stopped right next to her she was outside at a cafe and I was like oh my god

she was picking her teeth yeah so she was talking to us and she had like a dental floss pick and she was picking her teeth as she was talking to me and eating it yeah that's true that too

I still love her I don't care that made me like her even more because I'm like that's some shit I would do to somebody yeah she was really nice she was like

oh yeah are you a comedian I'm doing shows down at the blah blah blah and we're doing this thing and you want to come down like she was so nice to me yeah

yeah that really it's important that they're nice to you when you meet them of course of course gosh nothing worse when you love somebody and then they're just dog shit to you

and you're like fuck no I have to hate you I met Common at a store really yeah I met him at Fred Siegel when I was waiting for my spot at Melrose

I was just killing time I was early yeah he was shopping there and he gave me a hug hmm couldn't be nicer that's important

you remember that stuff for sure yeah yeah I'm trying to think of who I could meet if I could meet Howard Stern I'd be really happy I really like him

Stern I love him yeah I think that would be my other I'm not too huge on celebrity things but I just I've loved him for so like

he was like one of my major comedy influences he's the greatest of course this time I was like 13 years old I listened to that guy yeah he's amazing

yeah I mean that would take me back to like seventh grade like listening in my room as I got ready for school oh dude and it was like that's how you learn to be funny

yeah that's probably why we talk about farting and shitting so much it's just Stern that and our parents my stepdad was really into shit talk and your dad's into it yeah

fuck it's so cool I remember when I had the graveyard shift I remember when I worked at rocket science yeah and as we were coming out of it is when the show would start do you know what I mean yeah

yeah that's um yeah I used to listen to it at like fucking four o'clock or in the morning oh that's right because it was yes yes yes

yeah can you believe he was ever on terrestrial radio I remember like he couldn't say shit back in those days my dad actually turned me on to Stern because I remember growing up here in LA we had these

these fucking cheese dick DJs yeah like Rick D's in the morning you know like really it was just so gay well what's so gay is that we would listen to Stern

right as fans and then when you get in when you become a stand up and you're doing radio you would do yeah shit radio shows

and you're like oh man like such cheesy guys and you're like why aren't you guys cool like Stern yeah

and really the genius of Stern is that he was just himself right and a guy talking normal and he wasn't trying to make the masses happy he was just trying to be like he was doing what he thought was funny

I know that's what was great about it oh it's so painful you're right to do radio now oh my god almost every time I do radio it's the worst it's the worst

it's the friends and radio are the worst how much time do we have left on the show just a couple minutes okay then we'll save a real talk for the next time oh okay okay yeah

yeah that's fine anyways my father my father has such disdain for like anything cheese dicky like my father has ultimate disdain for the sitcom threes company when I was watching that as a child he would physically be like

upset my dad's one of my dad's favorite shows yeah definitely my father hated laugh tracks on anything he's like why are they making you laughing here

I don't want to fucking laugh here really really good instinct from your father really that's a very strong strong and healthy instinct on his part he has the best taste my dad has a really good taste in humor

like when I brought up Jerry Lewis to him he's like oh that guy's not funny that guy hasn't said anything funny his whole fucking life yeah like he loved my dad loves Don Reynolds oh god yeah

Richard Pryor my dad loved really good your dad like Pryor loved Richard Pryor that's amazing for a foreigner I'm saying that's what I'm saying like how could he

he got it that that was the width that was a real thing it wasn't some bullshit Mickey Mouse yeah to use his phrase anyway he turned me on to Stern and I remember being like 12 or 13

and my dad shop at a forklift shop in the summer I would just have to sit there you know and I'd listen hours during just hours of it and I'd be so bummed on the show at end and those cheese dicks

would come back on the radio would come back on yeah you're like shit fuck didn't have to listen to reach just bullshit again it's the worst fucking worst man

yeah it's the worst and you think that based on the success of that guy that format that they would hire people like him to do radio then

right you'd think that programmers would go oh that's what's working let's do more of that yeah ugh I don't know

ugh is that your fart babe that's supposed to be like a gratifying fart post fart react ugh no do it do it more real though

ugh wait hold on hold on this is how I do it though I go no oh birds no

no no make it gratifying oh ugh yeah is that good yeah but here let me any more direction

I'll show you teach me how to doggie hold on see how like it was real gratifying like I was holding it yeah

yeah you're like the Robert De Niro fart acting yeah you should get a sitcom based on your fart acting you're a fartist ugh

is that good that was good okay hold on one more ugh ugh yeah what it is here's what you have to put in your head

yeah you've been holding it for an hour okay I've been holding it you've been holding it for an hour and this is your chance to let it out okay thanks for the direction so now

ugh good better yeah thanks maybe one day I'll get to be as good as you as good we gotta go Robert De Niro

I love you guys bye bye guys oh my god it's the best song oh my god oh my god oh my god

I love the song I know oh my fucking god alright we gotta go oh my god bye oh my god oh my god

oh my fucking god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my fucking god oh my god come on

come on come on come on it's sexy