Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 243-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 30, 2014

SUP KANE!!! SUP TOM???? Yup. BDK is down with Buns and we get you the get down. Long story short, Kane is a chill dude and we hope to get him in the Dome soon. Have you heard or seen DMX ride a roller coaster. It's incredible and we share it with you.  Did you that Tina Jeans and Sydney Castillo can SPIT BARS?!?!? You must take your eyes to the site and watch the REGULAR BODY video. We sense a Grammy over here.  We go back to get SNOOSHI and our lady has a surprise for us (in her pants). Plus Tina proposes a new HGTV show for Tommy that combines his love of home shopping and masturbating! We review why you're probably not married, ladies and we have some good info (you should probaby request big dongs more).  What Ya'll Really Want!?!

I give him the grease, I tell him to put something on his finger, you know what I'm saying? Sticking in his ass, and you know what I'm saying, kind of like fuck yourself. My dog, he at the door, I go to fuck him, you know what I'm saying, he's groaning and you know what I'm saying, moaning and It was tight. It was good, don't Definitely a virgin. You know what I'm saying, my bag got a little bit...

He's like man come on man, god damn. Get that ass away. Oh get that ass off. Just pausing the ass off. Then he at my door. You do have sex with a virgin. Then I have sex with you. Then he has sex with you.

I have sex with you. Then he has sex with you. I mean grease yourself up. Yeah. But it's not greasy. It's not greasy. Sure it should be greasy. Where are we to do that?

Where are we to do that? Where are we to do that? My mama. Fuck you for my ass, fuck you for my ass. Fuck you for my ass, fuck you for my ass. Fuck you for my ass, fuck you for my ass. Fuck you for my ass, fuck you for my ass. Wow.

Wow. Wow. That song kind of hit it on all levels. I feel like it got every possible reference to fucking me in my ass that you could. That's pretty good. Pretty good. That homeless guy gets me every time.

Yeah. Every time. How about this shit? Oh. This is a new jam. We've played it before. I like this though, yeah. It's got that fire.

I feel like doing aerobics or something. Going Eastern Europe. By the way, the person that set in that song has sent in music before, but they use an alias. So I feel like I should credit them. That's interesting. They want to go by DJ, you know what I'm saying. Oh.

You know, and unless you tell me otherwise, I'll credit you by your alias. It's pretty funny. Guys, if you know what I'm saying. August 9th, Ice House Comedy Club, Pasadena, California, your mom's getting live two shows, 7.30, 9.30, all day, every day, you know what I'm saying?

I want to talk some shit. You want to talk some shit? Get real. I'm going to get live. I'm going to pull my motherfucking jeans up high. You know what I'm saying? Get your tickets. So here's what's up, your boy Tommy Buns.

I am traveling like a motherfucker all over the fucking place. You're going to give me talk of shit all over, man. You're going to talk of shit? Ace of the West, you know what I'm saying? North and South. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to Sacramento this week, the punchline. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

Please come out if you're in Sacramento. I would love to see you. I haven't been to Sacramento since I was featuring in like 2006. That's the last time I was in Sacramento. It's a great club. 2006. It's a great club. You've changed a lot since 2006.

Yeah. It's crazy. Next week, Pittsburgh Improv, the full charge, your baby's mother is Willie Matt Fultron, is in Pittsburgh with me. Then next week, the 14th through the 17th, I'm in Columbus at the Funny Bone. I haven't played the Funny Bone in Columbus.

This is my first time doing it. I haven't played a spot there before, but I've never, like, done a weekend. You're going to love it. It's such a good club. Yeah. So I got Denim on Denim, Hot Dog and Gatorade for Life, Jeff Tate is with me.

Okay. So please come out to the Funny Bone in Columbus. Dude, that fool doesn't make that his next album title. I know, right? It's dope. Hot Dog and Gatorade, man. I know. But you know what I just added that I'm so stoked about?

What's that double title? The 20th through the 23rd of August, Philly to do Helium and Philly. It's really an awesome club. I did it last year and I'm doing it again. So please come out, Philadelphia. These are big shows for me. It's my return to Philly and I really want you to come out.

I love doing stand-up at that club and in that city. And then the train continues. No, excuse me. Big earned. Andy Erickson and I are going to Comedy Works in Denver. The 28th through the 30th of August. That's a top tier club. We're doing Downtown, the good stuff, man.

Downtown Denver. And Jeans and I are going together. I know this is a way ahead of time, but September 18th. It's our only show in South Florida. West Palm, Lauderdale, Miami. We're only doing one show. It's September 18th at the Fort Lauderdale Improv. I'm sorry, where?

Fart Lauderdale. Thank you. That's part of the complex there at the Seminole Hard Rock in Hollywood, Florida. So come see us Thursday, September 18th. Get your tickets now. And guys, I forgot one date. Rather, I was really interrupted. Okay.

August 14th through 17th, Roosterty Feathers. Okay. And Sunnyvale, California. Roosterty Feathers. If you know where Sunnyvale is, go there. If you know where it is, end up there. That's where you're at. What's that we're doing again?

Roosterty Feathers. Oh, that's exciting. That's the sound of excitement. Right there. I saw somebody from their Twitter account. You know, they did. Somebody was like, what the fuck kind of name is Roosterty Feathers? Yeah.

They were like, and they responded to you and Roosterty. The club. And the club was like, funny name, serious. Come on. I know. I saw that too. I was like, okay, Roosterty. Okay, Roosterty.

Okay. Okay. All right. I see what you do. All right. You can protect your name. You know what I'm saying? That's pretty good.

Stop right there. Any hoodles. Don't you dare mock Roosterty Feathers. They will come back at you. They will get you. They will get you. My child shall eat you. My child shall eat you.

My child shall eat you. Say the whole, where was that from? That's from Star Wars. Star Wars, yeah. He goes, back then, all kinds of ag. You say it. Why do I gotta say it? I'm not saying the word again.

I'm not saying the word again, man. Can we get it? I ain't saying that motherfucking word. Why? I get in trouble. I get the heat. That's what you're known for. Don't start that.

Do not say that. Come on. I am not known for that. You horrible man. Who is it? Okay, hold on. Okay. He's a guy.

His name is like, it's a side interview. It's an older guy. And he's talking about like the history. He's like, back then, you know. Isn't it? They all come through. Isn't it a DJ Red Alert that says it? I don't know.

He looks crazy. He looked like a space alien. I remember that. He had only some crazy tinfoil jacket. No, he did not. No, he did not. Dreadlocks and stuff. I thought for sure he was crazy.

Oh, shit. He's in my child. Let's see. Is it here? Fuck. It was from the outtakes, right? Wasn't it from the like? Shit.

Yes. Additional scenes and such. Style words is documentary just, you know, about the scene in New York, the graffiti scene, and like breakdancing and stuff in the 80s. Yeah. It was like one of the great documentary. And that is so fucking funny. That's the, I was quoting that guy nonstop.

We both were. I didn't go African, doing that African bomb out of shit, wearing him dashikis and shit. That's what he kept saying. Wearing him dashikis and shit. You know, so I haven't had my child eat you. So the press of everybody, right? His name is Jimmy D. He told me to make a division in Manhattan. So then I made one over here.

Like most of the people stopped from Bronx already, but some of them are trying to come back now. Okay. That's not it. Was it in style words? It was, right? I feel like it's, it's the part of style words where they're talking about like the advent of it.

Like the beginning of like all the rap acts that were coming through. But I'm saying it was from style words. Yeah. It might be from the actual documentary, not the outtakes. Oh really? I'll find it. I'll find it. Press pause.

We'll fucking find this shit right here. Press pause. Right here. Press pause. Press pause. All right. We couldn't find it. Here's what it is.

Okay. If you guys are watching, if you had the documentary style words from 1983 and it's like about hip hop and stuff and graffiti culture. And there's this one interview and Tom thinks it's with Red Alert. Yeah. DJ Red Alert. And what does he say? You know, everybody back then and you know, as this expression goes, my child shall eat

you. I think he's, he's supposed to be like saying something from the Bible, like a child shall lead you, but I always heard it as my child shall eat you. Right. That's what I want to hear again. You know. It sucks cause we watched that documentary back in like, oh five and it's been. Yeah.

Ready to get busy with this or what? Well, they don't really want to hear this next piece of audio. I don't think anybody's interested. All right. Let's just do this. Ready? Here we go. Let's start the show.

Shut up Tom. This is big daddy Kane. I'm over here chilling with Russell, man. We was reaching out to you. I was telling him about the shout out on Twitter the other day. Hope all is well, man. Stay blessed. Peace.

This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Sutsu.

And Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Hello. Thank you. A plate. That's better. Look at the face.

There you go. Are you happy now? So much better. I really like when you conduct our show. Thank you. What the fuck Tom? What was that? Not a big deal.

It's a voicemail from big daddy Kane. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to elaborate on how that fucking happened, bro? I'm so excited about this. I was just not even thinking about it. I told the story how I sent the tweet.

We talked about it. And I was so excited that I got a tweet back. Because I sent Kane a link to this on YouTube. A limo pulled up like 30 feet from me. I was just like, all right. See the door open. Who's getting out of this limo? I'm expecting like a bachelor party or some shit.

Fucking big daddy Kane. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. And something just took over, you know? The spirit grabbed me. And I was like, stop Kane. And his head whipped around. He was like, you know what I mean. All right.

So that's from my special, right? It's from completely normal. On Netflix. On Netflix. Available now. And also the hard copies are out. The hard copy, if you want, people have emailed me, tweeted me about a hard copy. The first 50 are autographed.

You go to our site and it takes you to the Astoy merchandise store that has a lot of our merch. Right. But will you personally fart on some copies? The first 50. The first 50 are signed and farted on. So the hard copies are there. Anyways, people asked me about that and they're out now. That being said, I sent this to him.

He tweeted me back and you saw me. I was so happy to get to you back. Happy day. I think the day that Big Daddy Kane, that's how you say his name, right? Yeah. Big Bubble Kane. Big Daddy Kane tweeted you and you were the happiest I've ever seen you. Even happier than on our wedding day.

Our wedding day paled in comparison to the tweet. No, it's not. I don't think I've ever seen you that happy. You're not very emotive. Let me just say that. You don't know my husband. Like people who are listening, you don't really know the ins and outs, but he never gets excited for shit. Never.

I could be like, Tom, we just got a million dollars in the mail and he'll be like, oh, yeah, it's cool. So anyways, I feel like Daddy Kane tweets and you're like, holy shit. I was really excited about it. I feel like that was like a Saturday in Hartford and Fartford, Fartford. Yes. And then we fly back Monday, Tuesday morning, I go, I walk out to the car and this is I had missed it. I used to call this is on my voicemail. Shut up, Tom.

This is big daddy Kane. I'm over here chilling with Russell, man. Now he's talking about a friend, Russell Peters, who is a huge, huge hip hop fan. I mean, he takes that fandom to like, I've told people before that Russell knows like who played the drums, who played like the second drums on a song that came out in like 85. And then he'll be like, yeah, but do you know who taught him to play the drum? Like that guy Earl from 21st. Right. Okay.

Any DJs too, Russell loves hip hop. He loves hip hop. I mean, and he knows a lot of people in hip hop. And like, you know, if you follow him on like Instagram or Twitter, it'll be like him and like Primo, DJ Premier, like at his house. Oh, I love those guys. Motherfucker, how did you do that? So anyways, he's friends with all these guys that he knows I love hip hop. So I get this message.

I'm chilling with Russell. Then I send a text and me, I call him back and Russell doesn't answer. I send him a text. I'm like, what the fuck? And he writes me back, Kane is at my house right now. You should come over. So I write back, I'm coming. You're like, nah.

I was like, I'm coming. And your pants, you mean? Yeah. And then I was so excited. I go, I'm going over to meet big daddy Kane right now. Yes. And I went over to Russell's house and I see across the room and I go, stop, Kane. Did you really?

Yeah. He started laughing. And then it was great. He couldn't be nicer. And you know what the thing is? I talked to him for a while and you know, about just this and that. I totally forgot. I wanted to tell him the story of when I really did this to him because I really did this to him.

But I forgot to. Don't you hate that? Yeah. And I was talking to you. You were like, tell me about it. And I was like, well, you don't ask about this. And he told me about the tour that he's on. And you know, we were just talking about just a bunch of different things.

And then it occurred to me. I was like, oh, fuck. I wanted to tell him about when I did this to him. Can I tell you, this should be a lesson to everybody. Think of the thing you want to say to your favorite famous person now. Have it ready to go. Because when you meet that person, you won't know what the fuck to say to them. And it's so annoying and you'll kick yourself.

So have your stories ready. So anyways, if you, and then he was like, let's take a picture. And I was like, absolutely. And he's so like, he's like, there's a difference between like be cool and people that are cool. Yeah. And like, he's naturally like, just so cool that like we were posing for these pictures. And I go like, I have like my arm around and I'm like, hey, I'm like thumbs up. And I'm like smiling, totally geeked out.

And I was like, I got to be cool like you. So I try to be cool like him. And then I go, I can't do it. And then he was like, like laughed at like, cause he's just like stands cool. How do people do that in pictures and photos? I always feel like I, I never look cool in photos. It doesn't look like forced or put on, like on him. That's just who that dude is.

You just ice. Yeah. It's hard to tell you two apart in the picture because you guys are both so black. But he's not like cool. He's not like cool where you're like, this guy's trying to be cool. No, it's just, that's his essence. That's his essence. Yeah.

Did you feel as two black men talking? Did you feel like, I mean, were you nervous talking to him? Be honest. I wasn't nervous talking to him. What it was, it was just like at first, like he's, he's a chill laid back dude. And I was like, oh, I should like, what should I say to get a conversation going? Yeah. And then also, but also not be like a fucking nerd.

I know. Cause you don't want to blow your cool. Yeah. So I was like, you know, I'll say, yo, God, I got here doing shows and shit. Right. You spit to him like that. No, I was, I was just like, I'm a big fan, big daddy. Big daddy came.

I may call you. I said, should I call you daddy? No, no, he was, he couldn't have been cooler. I just, you know, he was out here. He did, he did a, he's on this tour that is the exactly what I would have loved. I couldn't have gone anyways cause I was on the road too, but he's doing this tour. They did a show out here in LA where, um, and it's, it's, it's around. You should look this shit up.

It's, it's crazy. It's him, Dougie Fresh, EPMD, Eric B and Rock Kim, uh, Bismarck Key, a couple other people. Oh, Naughty by Nature. That's one show. Jesus. Are you serious? Yeah. It's like a black up Palooza.

It is. And it's all like that, that era that I absolutely love the most of hip hop. So everybody likes, even I like that era. It's the best. So I remember Naughty by Nature, they have the song hip hop array. Yeah. That's true. That is true.

Um, so, and DMX. Sorry. DMX is headlining it. So he's good. He's a great performer. Um, that's exciting, but you still haven't told me like what do you guys talk about really? Well, I mean, we talked about that show and we talked about like some of the, you know, ins and outs of that show, like that, like that actual tour in particular.

And we talked about, you know, like where he's living. I don't want to fucking. No, I don't know. Yeah. So like, uh, we talked about that and like, you know, how I know that area. And then, um, what else? You know, and then you try to kiss his mouth. Goodbye.

Yeah. I mean, that's definitely the kind of guy I could like, um, can we kind of get like a good guy? Yeah. No, he was really nice. He was very personable and nice. It's huge. Yeah.

Congratulations, Jean. That's a huge day for you. And what's funny is that I, I always thought, you know, you, you'd never know the reach of something where it's like, it's not like, you know, I'm some super famous guy and this is on HBO and you're like, everybody's seen that thing. You did. It's kind of like one of those things that could definitely fly under the radar. And, uh, so, uh, but I had thought I was like, I wonder when it came out.

I go, I wonder if like he'll ever see that or if someone will tell him. Of course. And he mentioned to me, he goes, I found out about your joke. Um, not when you tweeted it to me. He's like, my engineer saw it and told me about it. Isn't that? It's just so amazing to me. The internet is such a small world.

Yeah. That's really cool. Man. So it was full circle of the bit. It happened in real life. I told it on stage. It aired. Somebody told him he can, like he acknowledged that it existed and then I met him.

So crazy. So crazy. And then are you going to hang out with them again? Do you think he'll come over for a dinner or something? I don't know if I'll come over for dinner, but, um, you know, I was the, the work. I, I'm hanging out with Russell. Uh, I go outside with him and he's like, uh, oh, did you talk to Kane? Cause he was inside and I go, yeah, he goes, all right, let's go get dinner.

I got to this. Like, let's go get dinner now. All three of us. Yeah. And I go, I can't cause I had two spots I had to do. God damn it. I told, and I was like, you know what? Like I was really on the fence about, I think if it had been one, I would have canceled,

but canceling two and they had promoted it and everything. And this guy was paying me to do the show. I was like, I can't do it. You can't. Plus he had like a perfect moment. You kind of don't want to sully it. Like you just want to leave it perfect, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, cause what if he said some dumb shit at dinner and then you guys hate each other and then it would have ended. Do they call you black salami? Right. And he's like, what mother fucker? Like, oh, I was just kidding. I was just kidding.

You want to see some big black lazy dick? You want to see some big black lazy dick? Okay. Well, that's knee jeans. That's a really special adventure. Yeah. It was really cool. It was very, very cool.

I was very, what are the kids saying these days? Stoked? Yeah. Who do I want to meet special? Well, I met Kim Deal once already. I blew that. That was awesome. But she wanted to give me her email and I was like, no, it's okay.

Why'd you turn down the email? So nervous. I don't know. I kind of don't want to know my idols. You know, then you can't get disappointed if you don't really know them. Yeah. Yeah, I would have been okay with that. So speaking of the headlining act of that tour or the major, you know, the closing act,

DMX. Love that guy. We have some DMX audio today. Yes. DMX rode the slingshot in Orlando and there was a camera mounted to the roller coaster and it's amazing. You ready, Jeans? I love this song.

It's a scary shit. It's a scary shit. It's a scary shit. It's a scary shit. It's a scary shit. It's a scary shit. It's a scary shit. It's a scary shit.

It's a scary shit. It's a scary shit. It's so DMX. Like it's like performance version of DMX and he's talking about scary shit. I wish so bad I was sitting next to him for this. How amazing. This clip, when I saw this, I was like, oh my God, this is Jeans' wheelhouse big time. Nothing's going to make you happier than DMX being scared.

And the dude with him, like it doesn't know him. That's the best part. Oh, for real? Is this a stranger? Yeah. It's a dude who's just like, yeah, they end up, he's like, where are you from? That's right. I didn't put that together.

He doesn't know that guy. That guy's just like, I'm riding this roller coaster with DMX right now. And he's like, it's a scary shit right now. That's awesome. Oh. He screams that in songs. Right? That's what he's singing.

That's his go to though, reaction and life, to moments of anxiety. Yeah, yeah. That's what he does. What? I don't know. That's him. I'm singing the end next. I feel like you said, what'd you say?

Nope. I didn't say anything. I was singing the words to the song. That's what he sings, dude. You can't sing a song. Shit. They play on the radio. You can't sing that.

You can't. You know what I'm saying? They play that shit on the radio. Come on. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on. What are you looking at? I want to hear DMX say that. Oh boy. What do you hear? Is this? My big words.

Yeah. I think this would be it right here. I can't tell. D. M. X. Is this it? No.

Oh shit. What is that song? I forget. Is he singing? Oh, that's a rough ride as well. Is that him too? It's what y'all want, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's what y'all want. Good. You know. D. M. X. Yeah. Is this it here?

What y'all really want? Why do they make it so hard to pull up these songs now? What y'all really want? Is this it here? No. What the fuck, man? That's a creep. What you really want?

Radiohead is just. Is this it? Oh, jeez. I mean, this is how long it takes to pull shit up now. It's like you, you, whatever. This is looking. What the fuck is that? Is Cisco in this?

Do you remember this at all? I don't think Cisco's in it. No. So this won't be it also? Probably not, bro. Just here. I'll Google the words. If you Google the lyrics, sometimes stuff comes up.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Tell me if this is it. Mmm. The fucking answer. Dammit. Cisco.

That's not it at all. What the fuck? I think it's this one, Tom. I can't even say the title. No, that's what I just played. Oh, shit. Oh, it's what these bitches want. Really?

Is that what it is? Yeah, it might be what these bitches want. You know, there's what y'all n-words want. No, that's what Cisco. What these bitches want, and then there's y'all n-words bounce. It's just, there's too many variants of this. Yeah, that's it. That's not it.

How is it this hard to find this song? We're pausing again. I gotta pause. Okay, okay. This is unbelievable. How can we not find this? I could not think of the title. Well, we were using the wrong word to search for the title.

Let's be honest here. All right. Well, we found it. Well. The problem is, a lot of the titles are the same. It's like, what y'all want, what the wants, how many ends in the wants. How are you pulling back now? You used to be just like all systems go.

What happened? You know, I just, I gotta be more selective of when I drop that. Why? That word. I just, I don't want to, I don't want to gratuitously use it. I want it to mean something. Big words. All right.

You know what I'm saying? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. All right. I feel like it's not, it's not appropriate maybe here. I don't know. Here we go. All right.

I kind of like the jam. It's great. Here he is back on a roller coaster. He looks like he's going to fucking shit right now. Of course. He's holding on, but he's smart enough to know, and I bet you he's lost chains before. Everybody that wears big chains. He's, his arm is around the, the, the cradle that holds you into the roller coaster seat

and he's holding onto his, his thick ass chain. No one like, I'm not losing this shit. The audio is obviously kind of distorted right now because they're going fucking 80 miles an hour on this slingshot, but it, it's pretty. All right. They're terrifying. Both guys are terrifying. The best is how they react to this.

Hey, hey, hey. Five poppers, six top and all day. What? What? We wasn't scared shit. I ain't never scared. I ain't never scared. He goes from being like, we're, this is scary as shit to be like, I ain't never.

Yeah. It's so funny how he does a complete flip on it because they noticed the camera. He spotted the camera. There you go. There you go. Right, right, right, right. That was like a, I had a cigarette. I light a cigarette.

It's so beautiful. We're enjoying it. I got that. I got that word. What are you doing? What are you doing? Brooklyn. I like to do that.

We in there. We in there. We in there. BK olden. BK olden. Oh. Then the person was like, how was it? He's like, good one.

Shit. Hey, watch this. This is good. I watched it for the first time. It was all right. It was cool, yo. It was all right. Yeah.

All right. It was all right. It's all right. We're letting you know. Okay. We want to go again. No. Dude, fuck that.

Right. You couldn't pay me to go on that. Really? Don't like those kind of rides? No, not the slingshot. It's a little intense. I like roller coasters and things, but I don't like to be scared. What happens?

I feel like I'm scared enough in my daily life. I get scared on the 405. I don't need to do that shit. You're one of those. I'm saying I've done this enough. I feel like I feel like real life. Mountain. Mountain.

What was that? A dating show? Yeah. We were watching house hunters and this girl's like, and you can see the mountains over there. Who the fuck taught you to speak? There's mountains. Well, and what's a real bummer about that show is the premise was you can live on the beach for cheap.

That's what it was. It was a beachfront bargain, beachfront bargain, something like that. Well, surprise, there's no bargains on beachfront properties. Yeah. You can spend 375, but you're going to live 10 miles inland. Well, there are. You can. You can.

To be fair, you can. Not in Pismo Beach where they live. Not in Pismo Beach. Yeah. They've done it in Florida. They've done it in the Carolinas. All these places, they end up finding something for really cheap prices and they're on the water.

California is different because they went there with 375 and they're like, you can look across the freeway and then see the water. Yeah, that was the goal. Yeah. They ended up. Jesus. The best part is they chose a townhouse. Yeah.

Next to the freeway. They have a kid. So it's three people total. A one bedroom. One bedroom. That was sad. Where are you going to put the baby? Yeah.

They don't show you. They're like, he's happy. Don't worry about him. He's enjoying his fucking drawer for a bed. That's cool. I was just going to say your cousin Brian just texted me. What do you say? He's so sweet.

Brian goes. So, oh guys, this past episode of funniest wins your mommy wins the challenge with Sidney Castillo. You know him. He's been on the show. He lost miserably in Tom or a black probably the most epic Tom or black episode of all time. I highly recommend you listen to it.

If you haven't. Yeah. Anyway, Sidney and I, we had to do a music video challenge and we made a song called regular body, which is from one of Sidney's jokes, I believe he has a joke about being a model, but he was a regular body model. So we made this wonderful video that one, please check it out on our site on your mom's house podcast. Here's a sample of it.

You got this. Oh, I love it. I love it. And I'm sick of it. And this goes out to all the regular bodies across the world. Stand up. Be confident. We see you.

I got a regular body. Okay. I got a regular body. Okay. I got a regular body. I got a regular body. I got a regular body. I got a regular body.

I got a regular body. Okay. I got an after birth body. I don't know what you heard. I'm like Tyler Perry, Sherry Shepherd and Whoopi Go, bro. We smiling. So fix your face, give me some weed and begging this a damn good day. Red wine and pat take my liver takes the beating because all I know is emotional.

Eating, killing cheese fries and yes to both friends. No need for treadmills because I rock those bags. This shit was really funny. Thanks for saying that. And the video looks amazing. Well, the guy that shot at his name is Devo and he's like a professional cameraman. He shot the whole season. Professional cameraman?

Well, you know what I mean? What do they call them? Okay. Cinematographer? Yeah, or is he a DP or what does he do? DP. Yeah. They're DP.

Yeah, he's all those things. He shoots movies and stuff. Oh my God. The guy's amazing. Yeah, he is. Whatever he does. Sorry that Christina doesn't know what you do. He does it really well.

It looks like an amazing video. Dude, we had like jibs and those things that move. We had slow motion. We had like we shot in downtown LA on this rooftop. It's up on the site. Yeah, go check it out. Anyway, your cousin writes to me. He's so sweet.

He's like, he loved the episode. He left and he says he even got emotional. So there you go. There's an endorsement. He did? Yeah. And I go, oh no, did I cry? Because I can't watch the episodes because I'm very self-conscious.

I go, fuck, do they catch me crying or something? And he's like, no, no. He just liked that I made a statement about my regular body and that he only imagines how other women must feel about their regular bodies and it's good that I'm whatever. Oh my God. Is that sweet? I don't know. Brian was so in touch with feelings.

I know. I really like that. But anyways, if you have a woman in your life that suffers from regular body issues, show her the video. Maybe it'll make you feel better. That's nice. There you go. There you go.

All right. Look at you. I'm trying. You know, trying to do good work. You know what I'm saying? Big words. Go ahead. Speaking of, what do you have?

What do you have? Something? Well, I was going to give them an update on our Japanese waitress. Well, I was going to do that too. Shut the front door. Yeah. We went out there yesterday. Oh, I cannot believe this.

I have not actually heard my voice in the conversation for nearly three years now. Yeah. We got a sushi yesterday. Yeah. And it was delightful. We did not, by the way, we've been really good at lunches ordering reasonable amounts. Did you notice that I only, I had my thing and I got just some sashimi on the side? You held back.

Well, we get the lunch specials, the bento boxes, which is always a nice deal. And then, yeah, we were, we were, we restrained ourselves a bit. Yeah. I didn't order crazy at all. But one thing that does trouble me and I'm not judging, I'm not passing judgment on you. But if you know that the fried tempura gives you diarrhea. Didn't get it. You still order it.

Didn't get it. Yeah. Didn't get diarrhea. Oh, you think you've moved past it? I didn't get diarrhea. It's amazing, Tom. Real proud of you. So that's not the culprit.

Maybe it's not the temp. I don't think it is. Anyways, we're wrapping up and I didn't order the tempura. I ordered some tofu that they fry instead, but I picked the fried parts off because I'm trying not to be a load. I'm not trying to slim down my regular body and she brings us a bill and she, she's real quiet and she looks me in my eyes and she goes, I'll kind of ask you a question. I know.

I thought she was going to be like funny as a wind, right? No, I thought she was going to be like, I heard that y'all podcast, bitch, you'll make a fine on my friend out of way. Tres, fuck you, bitch. And I'm like, whoa. I thought she was going to be like, I listened to your podcast. I hate you. That's hilarious.

No, instead she goes, you know, you're kind of all the tofu without the fried. No, she says you always get the fried tofu. Yeah. Right. But you don't eat it. Right. And you go, right. And she's going to go, this isn't fried.

Nita and pull her pussy out and like, and like, and be like, you know, and have it like a big fat one or squeeze her pussy lips. Yeah. And then when she squeezed it, like soy sauce shoots out of it into my mouth. And then she goes, do you like the way that tastes? Like that. That's what I thought was going to happen. She didn't do that though.

You said I don't eat fried tofu. That's right. You can get tofu no fry. Right. So you can eat it bitch. She didn't call me a bitch. But that's what she wanted to say. I was so, I was so afraid of what she was going to say.

Really? Do you think she was going to pull her pussy out too? Well, I didn't, I didn't know if we'd see her pussy, but I knew she was going to talk about it. You did know that. I was all, this bitch is going to talk about her pussy. Yeah. What was the reality show we thought of for you the other day? The farting show.

No, we already discussed the farting show. I thought. No, there was a different one the other day in the kitchen. Oh, isn't it where I check out a house and I masturbate and everything? Yes. Yeah. Yes. So I tore the house.

Yes. But it's called like property jack or something. Right. Cause we've been watching these shows on HGTV. Yeah. And it's called property jack. And Tom jerks his dick in every room of the house during the tour. Tom stands naked and he jerks his dick in every room.

And then whichever room he ejaculates in, then he says whether or not he's going to buy the house. He's like, I'll take it. He comes in your house. Thank you, sir. You think that I would just jerk off? I jerk off and then, see, I figured I jacked my dick as they give me a tour of the house. So I'm in the room like, yeah, this is the kitchen and I'm jerking off.

Right. And then they go, um, you know, this is the bedroom. This is the laundry room. And I've always just like stroking it, right? The whole time. Right. And your new tire time. Yeah.

Yeah. Just new jerking off. And then they show you three different properties though. So you have to hold out for three properties. Right. And then the final property is the one you pick. Right. Well, they go, what do you think of this Victorian style house?

And I go, and I just spill. I spill on the floor and I go, I'll take it. You like that. That's good. That's good. Because you were, when you were standing in the kitchen, you were like naked, ready to go shower. And you were like, oh yeah, you like, like you're pretending to, and I'm like, how funny.

I was like, yeah, this is a really nice kitchen you have here. And I was playing with it. Yeah. What a great premise for a reality show. Yeah. But do you really feel like that's going to top dog dick afternoon? Oh my gosh. Oh man.

I feel like, I feel like there's a less, less liability than dog dick afternoon. You got to get animal wranglers and permits and stuff. Pete is going to give us hell on dog afternoon. I know. They already wrote me a letter. They did. Yeah. With a poster.

They didn't like the artwork. They narrated the poster for dog dick afternoon. They said, how do you know these dogs want this done? I was like, just give them a chance. That's a really nice poster. I said, let us film like a season and talk to the dogs and see what they're saying. Yeah. And they said, I don't think so.

Dogs don't want to get, no. Yeah. There's a really nice poster on our Facebook page if you want to see the poster, the official artwork for dog dick afternoon. Can you put it on the site? Of course I can. I will. Done.

Yeah. Say no more. Please do. Bob is your uncle. Okay. Anyways, let's read some mommy mail. Okay. You know, we haven't done it in so long.

We don't have an official mommy mail. Jingle. We need one, guys. Someone make us a mommy mail jingle. It's time to read the mommy mail. The mommy mail. The mommy mail. The mommy mail, the mommy mail.

Mommy mail. Mommy mail. Mommy mail. 00:42:01,960 --> 00:42:02,960 I love that song. Alright guys, here it goes. Hey, mommys. This is Nick.

Hey, mommys, just experienced a truly fantastic Brown. I was recently at the store and found some candy Legos and bought a ton of them because they were my favorite as a kid. Now I ate about half pound of these blue and green candy Lego pieces. This morning I got the urge while at work and dropped a hot load of bright blue diarrhea in the toilet. I'm foreign on you haters. It was especially cool because the dye was so potent

that the water had a bluish tinge to it. I thought you would appreciate that. Keep those jeans yanked over your ears. Mommy, much love. Nick from Idaho. Thanks, Nick. Wow, what a neat story. That is really neat.

Will you read the second one, Jeans? Sure, mommys. Okay, this is going to be interesting. I thought this would be appropriate in light of our new reality show pitch. Yes, I was masturbating the other night and what thought crossed my mind is just smells. It's just smells. So now I am giggling like a sixth grader and have lost my boner.

I couldn't even finish. So the point is much like real mommys, you're making masturbation awkward or stopping it altogether. Much love, Shane from Phoenix. What? It's only smells. It's only smells. We got a tweet. I think it was a tweet from a listener that said

that they work at a restaurant and that when people send the food back to the kitchen, they go, it's only smells. It's only smells in the kitchen. What? It's only smells. It's only smells. That's perfect. It's only smells. You know, he does have a point though.

What's the point, Jeans? He does have a point, Rocco. Why are you being squeamish? It is only smells and what are smells? It's true to be fair, to be fair. In the video, he is having anal sex with some girl and she's saying she can smell her own smells and it's like horrific.

And he's like, I don't care. I fuck through smells. You understand, Theo? Right. Which is inspirational. It's a way of saying you can triumph over adversity, right? This is just like Oprah's Super Soul Sunday. I don't know if she covered this or not.

It's only smells. See, Rocco, sitting under her oak tree. Oprah, yes, that was butt fucking this beautiful woman and the poop came out but they said, don't want it's only smells. It's only smells. And Oprah's like, yes, that is a powerful message. This is only smells. It's okay.

It's only smells. God, he's a real animal, huh? No. He's just a nice Christian man. He's just got a positive message, things to tell you. Aw, thief out. Thief, thief, say sheik. Thief out.

Thief. So sheik. He's called the thief. He's thiefin' around. He wears the jeans. I never load them. Aw, thief out. Thief.

Thief. I think he's thiefin' in the next room. I'm hungry as shit right now. Me too, huh? Yeah. Damn. What do you want to eat for dinner? Uh-uh, mountains.

We have to order stuff. We don't have any food. Fuck. What are we going to order? What do you feel like, Thai? There's that Thai place. It's fairly healthy. You're going to get diarrhea but it'll show up quick.

I don't want Thai. What do you want? No, I just had Thai. What's up, guys? What you really want? What you really want? Uh, uh, uh, uh. Damn, bannam, bannam, bannam, bannam, bannam, bannam.

DMX. You still playing games? You're going to think it's a joke until they no longer remember your name? That's how we do it. Make powers disappear and it's in there by putting shit through. Never coming back. Do you want to hear a lady rapping about how she likes big dicks? Of course.

All right. This lady is, uh. You got to feed a bitch. Is it in there? You got to feed a bitch some dick. It's my new t-shirt, guys. You got to feed a bitch. This bitch can rap when she's rapping about how she doesn't want little dicks.

Okay. Feefin' out. You ready? I'm ready. I can't. Let's do it. The beef's here just for it. Okay.

Okay, listen. Go. I want Grady beef so I export it. Don't want no brother with a shortage. If you're small, then I'll bitch it. Tell her you're short a few inches. See, I ain't got no time for a tic-tac. See, a girl like me needs a big man.

You know, I got to be good to my kit-cat. So these small-time brothers, I ain't with ya. Don't bring it to me if it's little. Cause I got to have something in the middle. Make me sperm, baby. Make me wiggle. I'm on a screen, boy. Not gigging.

Something that can feel when it's in me. Don't want no stuff that's skinny. Make a stomach real full, like a monster done pulled. Like a bitch when eating that wind. Don't give beef to the top, boy. Let me see if you can hit that spot, boy. Can you make it go crackle in the pot, boy? So tell me, are you packing on that, boy?

Can't see ya, and the next man wouldn't want to be ya. Cause when you hit this clip, you better come to the gym and make a bitch say, mama, me. Make me scream like hell, make me back up. But to do that, you got to pack up. Make me moan and groan when you swing that bone like a car had my leg all checked up. Damn.

Shit. That was... Listen, I've got mad skills on the mic. She really does. I always think it's good. I like when a lady puts out there that what she's looking for... Dicks.

Big dicks. Yeah, of course. Don't come at me with those little dicks. Yeah. Bring big dicks to the table. Yeah. But you know, you got to ask to receive. You got to ask to receive, but you got to ask for it.

You want to see some big, black, lazy dicks. You got to ask to receive and make it known if you're a lady, make it known that what you're looking for big dicks. Only dicks. No other properties in a person. And make it known that if you don't have a big old dick, I don't want to meet you.

I don't want to know you, motherfucker. Hey, do you want to talk about that article I was telling you about, that lady was on Oprah, about why you're not married? Sure, do you have it? I do. Let me pull it up. So this girl wrote...

There's this post on Huffington Post. This woman wrote 2011 by Tracy McMillan. It's why you're not married. And it caused a huge uproar. And, but I kind of think some of it's pretty accurate. You want me to... Break it down for me, sister. Okay.

This is very menacing. This is why you're not married yet is the name of her book, but here it is. Number one, you're a bitch. Okay. Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean, you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry.

You think you're smart. Or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is, you're a fucking mean. It's scaring men away. Basically, she says that dudes don't want to be married to mean people. I agree.

Yeah. I agree too. And a lot of times it's funny. It's a girl that is the meanie. Yeah. Why is that? I don't know. It's like...

The dynamic is usually that it's a bitchy woman. And it's a guy that... And you'll see that a guy will break down after a while. Like, he'll take it. Guys will take it for a long time. Yes. Because they're sweet and they want to please you, actually. I think what happens in my estimation is that women blame men

for what's wrong in their lives. They blame their partner instead of going like, wait, why am I unhappy right now? Or is it this guy's driving that's really pissing me off right now? Right. The public one that I think... I remember watching it way early and being like, whoa, was that John and Kate plus H.O.?

Wow. Yeah. I'm not really sighting with either one, but you watch those early episodes and you're like, she sucks. Yeah. She... I mean, look, they had a fucking house full. They have 10,000 kids, which is another issue.

But she's shit on that dude a lot. Yeah. She was nasty to him before they had it because they had two kids first. And then they had... Well, you would see her talk to her kids, talk to other people. And then she'd be like, John, fucking go get the thing. Yeah. He was like, head would drop down.

Yeah. And it's his fault too for not being like, fuck you, bitch. Yeah. If you treat me like shit, I'm going to bounce. And he did. And that's what he did. You're shallow. But just for the record, I think it's up to both people to be kind.

It is. That's what I'm saying. As much as you can. It's a two-way thing. Yeah. You're shallow. This is interesting. And I have friends that are guilty of this when you're like,

what do you want in a man? And they're like, I want him to be tall and rich. And you're like, that's it. What about the other stuff? The character. Hot. A lot would be hot. I'm just like a hot guy.

Well, the guy's hot. I'm like, yeah. Yeah. Because this is how teenaged girls act. That's what she's saying. Right. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls, which makes sense.

This is my favorite number three. You're a slut. Don't just, well, here's the thing. You don't just hook up with a bunch of dudes and hope that one of them hooks. It's not going to happen. They're not going to want to marry you. That's good advice. You just got to be a little more selective, casually fucking.

Number four, you're a liar. Oh, this is crazy. You meet a guy who's cute and likes you, but he's not really available for relationship. He has some conditions that absolutely precludes his availability. Like he's married. What's the word? Available? Available.

I can't talk today. Available. Big daddy cat. Like he's married or he gets around telling a skateboard. Basically, he's telling you who he is and you're like, that's okay. I'll wait for you to get divorced or it's okay. You have blinders on. You have problems with it.

Yeah. But you have blinders on to his situation, but you're like, I'm not going to pay attention to that part of it. Right. I'll pay attention to the other part. Right. And you're hoping that he's going to change or the circumstances will change and then that'll magically happen.

You know, I've known girls that had affairs with married men and guess what? They really never leaves a wife. Yeah. Or if they do, you want that guy? Who's been cheating on his wife? Right. You want that guy as your soulmate? Then you can't even get mad when he cheats on you, right?

Because you're like, that's how you... I'm okay. Let me talk about logic right now. That's what you do, boo. You do you. Number five, you're selfish. If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your nasal, labial folds.

Oh no. What? Well, let's see what she says. A good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. It's just too much shit to do, especially after having kids. Yeah. Yeah. I guess the point is you should think about the other person a little bit more.

Yeah. Don't be so selfish. Yeah, I get that. And lastly, I think you're not good enough. You think you're not good enough? Right. She says, oh, I don't think that you do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal.

No, you want someone better than you are. Better looking, better family, better job. Oh. Interesting, interesting. There you go. So you think, oh, you're going too high? Hold on a second. Let's see.

Ultimately marriage is not about getting something, it's about giving something. That's sweet. Hold on. Let me just make sure I'm reading this. Yeah. You're not good enough. Here's what you need to know. You are enough right this minute, period.

Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married. Since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives, why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this. Ooh. I see this at my son's artsy school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be.

They're attractive, sure. They're not just objects. Their husbands choose them for their character, not their cup size. All right. So the good news is I believe every woman who wants to can find a good partner. You're just going to need to get ready the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, it'll just be you except with twice as much laundry.

It's interesting because I do think that whole thing of like you complete me is a horrible thing to tell people. I don't think it completes you. I think it just makes your life nicer, right? Yeah. I'd say I think about you a lot about your needs. Are you fed? Are you milked?

Are you happy? I hate, like right now I know you're hungry and I see you chewing your nails and I feel awful. Yeah. We got to eat. I got to get some food, man. Okay. Jeans.

We'll do it. I think about you too, Jeans. I know you do. I know. You're sweet. You're sweet and I love you. You're my favorite. Yeah.

You're my jeans. I just went to the bank and put money in her account. I love you. I love when you do that. You're a sweet guy. I love you, Bear. I love you. I'm a freaky bitch.

Okay. I'm going to take us out on regular body. Check it out. Okay. Thanks. And then go watch the video on your mom's house podcast.com under clips. Share it with your friends. Share it with your friends.

Make it fun. Make it a viral sensation. It's in your hands, Jeans. Do something with it. Wow. Okay. I love you guys. See you in, is it Sacramento?

Is that how you say it? The inner sack. The inner Sacramento. Inner Sacramento. Yeah. All right. We got to run. I'm starving.

I love you. Bye. I'm sick. And I'm sicker. And I'm sicker. And this goes out to all the regular bodies across the world. Stand up. Be confident.

We see you. I got a regular body. Okay. I got a regular body. It's hard. But we got it. One. I got a regular body.

I got a regular body. I got a regular body. You see, Ellen got what? I got a regular body. I got a regular body. I got a regular body. I got a regular body. I got a regular body.

I got a regular body. I got a regular body. I got a regular body. Okay. I got an after birth body. I don't know what you heard. I'm a bit like Tyler Perry, Sherry Shepherd and Whoopi Go. Bro, why we smiling?

So fix your face. Give me some weed and begging. It's a damn good day. Red wine and patten. My liver takes the beating. Because all I know is emotional eating. Curly cheese fries and yes to both friends. No need for treadmills cause I rock the space.

I'ma be honest. I don't go to the gym. Idris Elvis is hot, but I'm funnier than him. I ain't ever had a test, but your boy been cool. I wanted to be a model, but them bitches was rude. I put cheese on cake. Cause eating is my hobby. Don't call me fat.

I love my regular body. Everyone on TV is so perfect and thin. I'm sick and tired of trying to be like them. If you're in the kitchen, they'll fry me some bacon. You want sex? No problem, but no lights when we naked. Will your girl get hungry? Or you think she gonna choose?

I'm a North Dakota dime, but I'm in California too. When I get dressed, I'm cool like the fawns. I can't bend the time I choose, so I rock the slip-ons. Crossfit and yoga seems like a big mess. I can't eat cinnabons to relieve stress. Chopping used to present cause I like extra gravy. But I got a little secret. You're never too fat an old baby.

Regular people sizes. I got a regular body. I've got a regular body. Jonah Hill, what up? I got a regular body. I got a regular body. John Goodman. I got a regular body.

Madea, get off your feet. I got a regular body. I got a regular body. Jessica Simpson. I got a regular body. Sydney Castillo. I got a regular body. I got a regular body.

Christina Pajinsky's got a regular body. Yo, if you ain't tried cheesecake and eggs, you ain't never lived.