Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 246-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 8, 2014

These are the jeans you dream about. The ones we have on are made for sitting, talking, relaxing and of course, celebrating Eat A Booty Day. Thanks to Trick Daddy we can all celebrate together. Please reach out to him on twitter @305Mayor and ask him to sell us the Eat A Booty Shirts.  Speaking of clothes, has Tommy joined a gang? His new shorts and shirts will have saying, "Sup Homie! Sun Valley Gang for life homie!" Plus we investigate did a flight attendant have their EYES on Tommy Mommy's junk as he slept?!?! Let's break it down! The mommies ate some BAD food back to back and meals and their fart makers paid the price. BK plus eggs and pancakes make you feel good. Tina jeans did some serious fitness and then slept for 16 hours. Will she keep this new lifestyle choice up?   REAL TALK, Bummer White people movies and more!  

I have a song for you, I'd like to do that, I'd like to go to the bar. Plug in my iPod, listen to him talk trash on that He's talking about your mom's house Podcast, stop that, laughing ain't gonna happen The fix for a piss poor day, this gay discourse of mixed sorts Get the pitch, fortune listen while you bell, hey you're in jail Laying with your Puerto Rican cellmate Or when you tell, gay listen before the game starts

Play cards, listen while you're shoplifting in Kmart Honest, I mean it, it's not a big secret I'm often seated in the kitchen, listen in the time of Christina At the end of a rough day, get a longer drink, get my nut shade If I'm lucky, get it, then I'll update Just great, like the devil loves flames Like the devil loves heavy metal women who love snakes This is just the thing to help your nerves and calm down

I live with no bitch Welcome to your mom's house Especially parents fly, top dog It could actually happen to me, Orlando Airport West And joke double Is there anything worse on the internet than an aspiring white rapper? Yeah Get mom's house

Get mom's house Get mom's house Get mom's house Oh Double dog genes, listen up Are you locals? Do you live in Los Angeles or surrounding areas? This is it guys, your last chance

Get your tickets to see me at the ice house Pasadena, August 9th, that's a Saturday I'm doing two shows in the side room 730 and 930 Stage two And guess what? I'm gonna talk some shit I'm gonna keep it real I'm gonna keep it 100 with y'all

It's for real mommies only I mean I think, forget just if you live in Los Angeles I feel like if you live in Southern California Arizona New Mexico Nevada, you know what I'm saying I'm gonna go up to stage two To see her put it down

That's what's up, thank you Tony What about you Jeans? As we are speaking In your ear hole I'm in Pittsburgh Or Sixburg, however you want to call it I'm at the improv Tonight, tomorrow

And Sunday With your baby's father Matt Folchron And then Joe the funny bone With Jeff Tate Gatorade and hot dogs for life Dunham on Dunham

We'll be there all week I believe that is the 14th or 17th And then I added Helium and Philly So I'm going to Philly The 20th through the 2030s This is one of my favorite clubs now

Is Helium and Philly Please come out, bring your friends Party Have fun shows every night Don't ask me which night to come Which night should I come If I can only come Thursday or Saturday

I don't know I'm rolling dice here Then Denver with Andy Erickson Big Ern Big Ern's coming with me To comedy works in Denver Downtown

And we're there at the end of the month Last weekend of the month And then from there I'm off to Hong Kong And then The big push is that you and I are doing Thursday September 18th Fort Lauderdale improv

One show only Fart Lauderdale Improv At the Seaman Hall Hard Rock & Casino Fart Lauderdale Which is actually Hollywood, Florida That's a big show for us Because we're not doing West Palm or Miami

Anywhere the rest of the year That's right, we're not booked We're not doing Florida A couple weeks later I'm doing North Florida But that's far away It's going to be exciting Fart Lauderdale then we go on a cruise with a family We're going to get some good audio on that cruise

We're going to torture your family We're going to torture your sisters and your mother Especially it's going to be great It's going to be something Listen, you need to support Your moms There's a few ways you can do this We

We ask you all the time to do this But this is a huge way to support the show And that is that You go to our website Yourmomshousepodcast.com You click on that Amazon banner And do All your Amazon shopping

That you would normally do through the banner Your mom is on shopping Let's say you want to buy A fart machine They got them on Amazon They do have fart machines on Amazon If you do it through our banner That's on our site

Then a little bit of that fart noise Money comes back to us And we can keep doing this show It's real simple You can buy everything in the world on Amazon And by going through that banner You're supporting it So here is our

Website address You called that We've been getting requests from you That's yourmomshousepodcast.com Which podcast? Yourmomshouse That's an old bag That's an old joke

That's an old joke Please support us that way Also, the store is stacked Bikes Let's get social shirts There's a few It didn't greasy lefts And Theo's

I'm Theo 24-7 His shirt has been Flying out of there We've had to cut a deal with him We're at 80-20 right now He's saying on the next order He wants to be able to renegotiate We'll talk about it then

He drives a hard bargain Also Really excited To inform you Of my special Completely normal It's a DVD and CD double pack The first 50 are autographed

If you order it If you go to the site And you'll get it shipped to you The first 50 are autographed A lot of people ask me For hard copies That's awesome My father loves your special

He loves my... This is a direct quote He said, Tommy is pretty good I like how he makes this stupid face He's got this stupid face Don't kick me under the table The stupid face that I'm making He makes kind of a stupid face

I like his stupid face I go, look at that stupid face every day And then I also go, I'm not making a face That's what I said You mean Tom's resting face The face I look at all the time He makes this stupid look with his face Nope, that's just my face

That's just how it goes Yeah, so all that And a bag of something else Uh oh I thought you were going to do the sound effect For the bag of Oh no, no, no The thing that I wanted to point out

Is that Ovation TV They're filming and so Wow Wow That is exciting Chips in a bowl No really, right now guys We're on this TV show right now

It's the art of And it's the art of podcasting And now they're filming us right now You better get your life I'm going to take a picture of them And put this on the site That's pretty neat The art of

The fart of in our case The art of fart casting The art of fart casting Are you ready to start the show? Ready to do this? We've rolled them into thinking we're artists Go ahead Alright, here we go

Let's do this man Well, you can make a difference Eat a booty, save a life Eat a booty gang Now I'm not even going to play the instruments There we go Now what if I did it

Tom rocked out the song so hard That one of our posters just fell down They felt the wave of energy The electricity in the air I mean, I'm not, you know I'm no joke That's real talk right there So that was trick daddy

If you didn't put it together The CEO of the eat a booty gang And the thing is I don't know if you know this He has declared today Eat a booty day Here's the Eat a booty memorandum

That he put out There will be no work tomorrow Due to the weather Eat a booty shelters are being formed In your local strip clubs and hotels Continental breakfast Bag lunch and dinner will be available at no cost Dinner consists of

The eat a booty traditional Rump roast You get it? Oh, I'm sorry, there's more To join the eat a booty ink Requires no credit check No down payment Job history don't matter

The army, this is the place for you Like the army? Yeah, you know The army wants you Is this why your father joined the Marine Corps? For the eat a booty stuff? I'm not sure I gotta ask him about that Wait, I'm sorry, I've forgotten

I know we've discussed them before But what's the premise of the eat a booty gang I forget What's their central tenet If you will? Well, let me see The philosophy behind I remember

It was this right here He was on this Interview Let me see if we can Pull it up, or he talked about That That eat a booty gang Is what he's into now

Right I think I have it It was like his new thing He was getting into it Yeah, it's coming up here Yeah, I don't know why He made it sound like This was some new ground breaking shit

Yeah That no one had ever thought of before Right I don't know why it's his new kick Maybe he feels inspired People feel inspired sometimes Maybe that's What he's into now

Here he is I think he was on VladTV I put up some pictures recently It was you and a few other rappers Y'all had some shirts on that said Eat a booty gang Yeah, we eat a booty gang Our motto is

We got you I got you It doesn't add up though If it's to eat a booty gang I got you Maybe you don't understand A lot of motherfuckers would try Radio station

I'm in the Carl Ricky smiley ass That's my homeboy anyway They get their joke thing going I'm a big jokester too But they were trying to Insinuate that We were some fruity ass niggas or something But we eat a booty gang

How do you understand? I'm still a little stuck He's saying that people were accusing him Of homosexuality And therefore He's going to eat other people's booties To prove that he's not homosexual He's saying if you're not going to eat your girl's booty out

That he'll do it Him and his boys will do it And that's why they eat a booty gang I really want that shirt I don't know if he's selling it I'm so glad I remembered to say this So If you have booty

Guys, if you're on Twitter Do me a favor Hit up TrickDaddy On Twitter His Twitter handle I believe is 305Mayor I'm going to look right now Yup, it's at 305Mayor

M-A-Y-O-R As in he's the mayor of Miami I thought that was Rick Ross Hit him hell no Hit that 305Mayor And ask him Where we can buy the eat a booty gang shirts And that you want

An eat a booty gang t-shirt And I think that if he gets enough Tweets from you That he'll direct us to where we can all get The eat a booty gang t-shirts Because I really want to buy one I'm interested in actually Putting my money into the market

And getting something in return Well, it's a good The movement that he's discussing I think there is a shortage of Guys that'll eat other girlfriends butts And this is kind of a neat thing he's doing It's a service Also, you've been going through kind of a fashion

Renaissance, if you will It was really neat We were at this fancy resort Just having like drinks And hanging out like iced teas Overlooking the ocean And I noticed that you were dressed A little bit like a Mexican gang banger

What do you mean? Well, it was kind of It was neat you're wearing like your great Forum, the forum Right Western Forum t-shirt And then like Cholo shorts, like the kind that Cholos wear in LA

Like the dickies, you know what I'm saying You get like the dickies homes West side for life Yeah dude, I looked over and I'm like My husband's dressed like a full gang banger I had the dickies shorts Forum shirt And my sunglasses

Fucking Smile now cry later Yeah, fucker Yeah Yeah, I was like, we're gonna get thrown out of here I did get some looks Oh really? Do you think that's not a good look for me?

No, it's not a tight look No dude The shorts were like Like seriously, like the dickies brand, right? They were quicksilver You know, I'm just like I'm west coasting it, you know, west coast living I don't like

I don't like women that shave too much I don't really, I like it natural If you do modeling or other stuff Where you have to trim it up, that's fine But I like big hairy Pussies, I don't like no little ball Hairy pussies You know, they say the less hair down there, the better

That make me nervous too when a girl say Hold on, let me go to the bathroom real quick You know what I'm gonna do? Caramel flies this month Like this thing This thing's gonna be fresh Nah, I mean Well, you know, maybe she's been running around all day

Yeah, but then That's trick daddy again No, I know, I put that together What's he talking about? What is he talking about? He's talking about his Ladies vaginal grooming styles Yeah, I gotta thank

I wouldn't thank him for it Thank you, Jamie Ain't that much running She must have been running, flipping Racing, playing basketball Higo season, everything That's why She has a stinky box

How come men have so many opinions on Women's stinky boxes Joey Diaz, when I was on his podcast He was like, I like to have a vagina I like it, got some morning dew on it Little stank on it Who is What is wrong with you guys?

Why are you so obsessed with the smells? Morning dew on it It's got like a mist on it Who are you with? Get your life, Joey Diaz Well, he's an animal For real, so I believe That whatever he's saying

That's pretty true You better get your life So many opinions on The hair and the style The full bush he mentioned on our show I like the full bush, buddy I like it natural It's so gross to picture him

I like that girl's bush It's gross to picture your dad Like in books Most people love picturing their dad Stop saying it But good news for your mom She gets to keep a nice full one That's nice

What do you think your dad's into Pussy-wise, you think he likes a hairy box? God, that's a good question Let me think about it Let me text my dad and ask him real quick You think your dad knows what a condom is? Hell no Dude, that is not their generation

Our dad's never used that Those for sailors, right? Well, they're just like, you know, I don't have AIDS Why would I wear one? Don't think my dad's ever No way No way The thought of it is preposterous to them

By the way, that photo There's a photo of me up on your Instagram And I re-grammed The orale fucker thing that you're making fun of So if you guys want to check it out I think it's more than appropriate I think it's fine We posted it to the gram

So check it out Some of the 18th trivatos were giving me Props that day I do like the way Cholas look I really like that look growing up What are you talking about? You have the same eyeliner, the same makeup, the same lipstick

You totally copy Cholas all the time I love them That's what you look like I remember the problem with being a Chola though They used to shave their eyebrows So did goth girls, goth girls the same thing You shave the eyebrows And then you pencil them in like a thin line

The problem is You don't always grow back A little known fact I had that happen to a few goth friends of mine Their eyebrows never grew back I don't know if you want to deal with that That's kind of bad That's when you cry later

I got to cry when no one's looking You guys, you fucked up my eyebrows You trim my eyebrows You told me not to pluck anymore Well, you don't have to You can just trim You had so many stragglers You had so much eyebrows yesterday

Here's what you look like when you Your makeup We stay right here homie It's fucking morning It's fucking It's fucking It's fucking morning It's fucking morning

It's fucking morning It's fucking morning It's fucking morning Guys like this were saying what's up to me When I had my All night Yeah man Yeah

What's my favorite That was amazing Well, I hope you continue your gangbanger One last thing before we move on from Trick Daddy There's something he doesn't like When it comes to sex You want to hear what it is? I'd love to

I really don't like I don't like a lot of the Play before four play You're not into four play? The play before four play The play before four play is what I don't like Which is usually the The dumb conversations

Because I make Jesus Christ I don't like talk Before sex The before four play Talking Getting to know somebody connecting On an emotional level

Gross I grab your head And Move your head towards my dick I'm sure you'll get offended But some women get offended When they suck in your dick If you don't grab their head

Nobody gets offended when you don't grab their head There's no woman alive He didn't force my head onto his penis Forcibly Some women don't like you to grab the head My thing is The before four play The before four play is the part

You actually Gesturing that you want to suck my dick But then you don't do it What's wrong with this dude Can I tell you something I don't think he really gets laid this much You don't think so? No I think he does

It's the talkers that are never the doers Here's what you're not considering A famous guy Who has records out Has some money You always get laid a lot But it's not always going to be The level that you're

Considering He might be eating some pretty bad booties out there You know what I'm saying? Some mushy Dirty booties might be what he's eating all the time He might be eating A stanky Just gross Unwashed booty

What's wrong with you What's wrong with y'all You don't know How do you know I hate when people talk about How much they're getting You know what I'm saying? It's so tacky

It's just so tacky Why do you have to brag about it? I hate these interviews about it How you like to sex And then he tells us Would you eat my booty? Do I trick daddy? I have a booty

Damn That's a huge say If you saw mine Yeah So anyway You have this great story about A flight attendant you say That was checking you out

Was it on the flight back from Toronto? It was on the flight back from Toronto I forgot to talk about this Walk me through this I'm not sure I really understand what happened So I fall asleep on The flight

We get on a pretty early flight The day after the show I'm flying back We have a total One of the flight attendants is a total grease ball That does not look like a flight attendant Grease ball Yeah well he's got like

Long hair like To his shoulders It's greased and combed back And a beard At all I'm sitting in the aisle This grease ball is walking by I fall asleep

I notice that when I fall asleep You know I get boners a lot I wake up and I have a boner I just notice this It happens all the time Still Even as an adult male

I thought the boner thing kind of slows down Not even a little bit Testosterone makes you crazy It makes you angry and it gives you boners Exactly I notice this I wake up one time Just for a moment

I have a raging boner And then I throw A jacket or a blanket Over my lap And this happens a few times I fall asleep for like three hours on that flight So After I nap and everything

I stand for a moment I kind of look towards the back I'm looking at the line to go to the restroom And that flight attendant is like How you doing? I was like Good, he's like yeah Get a good sleep

Get a little rest there And I go yeah I did Then I was like why is he asking me that I go why was I snoring And he goes no you just look really peaceful And I was like And then he walked away and I was like who the fuck says that

Like Why would he say Of all there's a full flight People, everyone's sleeping He's like you look really Really peaceful when you sleep It just didn't add up to me It doesn't make sense, it's like when you're a masseuse

You ever had this when you get a massage And then at the end of the massage The masseuse leans over and she whispers You're my favorite Well I've had them kiss me on my mouth But like while I'm still kind of asleep And I'll be like What?

And then the massage therapist will be like I love you Right, that was to me all the time But this guy was basically like You want to see some big black And I'm gonna show you some good He did not say that He said

He said what this guy says He did So in you Look at his eyes That's why they call him black salami That's what that flight That guy couldn't act worse Well can I ask you

That's why they call him black salami Do you actually Do you think there's a chance That that guy was really just being And then he walked by Before that thing and he gave me Two thumbs up That's definitely

Like I'm checking on you like everything good Just to me So what you're saying is He was part of maybe wanting to be Eat a booty gang with you Wait, why did he give you the thumbs up He just walked by and was like He saw your boner

He saw your boner If he's giving you two thumbs up for no reason It's thumbs up on that cool boner Thank you Double thumbs up on the boner Double thumbs There's no other The double thumbs up

Did you sleep well He's trying to get in your pants Trying to make small talk And get into your black salamis It took me a while to figure out That's how out of it I was Did I sleep well That's the thing I go did I snore

You just look really peaceful You look peaceful but your dick looked Like it was ready to rock out Did he stroke your beard He kissed me on the forehead like you were saying Those Canadian flight attendants Are something else huh Super friendly

Thank you sir That is so weird but you have to think That flight attendants have to get laid too I'm sure they can That's the little thing that gets him through flights Is that he walks up and down the aisle And he's like let's see if there's some boners On this flight

That's like the little thing Like I got to serve drinks I got to get people pillows The only thing that gets me through these flights Is scoping boners And then he saw your black salami He was like Give me that hold

Come on So anyways Well that's neat did you get his number at least I got some air miles He's like you show me that boner I'm gonna give you 20,000 I'm thankful Nothing like that happens to me on flights

You have no idea how much flight attendants Are checking you out come on They're never checking What are you talking about First of all I look homeless when I fly I've always wondered why do people stare at me When I walk through the airport It's because I'm dressed like a hobo

They're seeing those hangers It's not that It's fuck my stomach Tom Do you really think they want to hear that There's very little that we've talked about That could be on Ovation TV That's true

We could talk about this do you remember This was a neat thing when we did Ontario Together And we had Burger King We finished our show Saturday Late Show The only thing open at midnight In Ontario is Burger King

So Tom and I Pull into the Burger King Order I got a small cheeseburger Of course a Diet Coke You got three triple cheeseburgers Chili cheese fries And then a milkshake

That's a little bit of an exaggeration I feel like it was not quite what you just described I thought that's what you were eating Three triple cheeseburgers Four orders of fries You get three different types of cheese on the cheeseburgers Because you don't like to mix the tastes Good cheese

Now you go like here's the kind of cheese I want On that burger That's what it's all about Never thought of that It was not good Here's actually what was cool Is that I had ordered a salad And I was like can you

Just box it up for me So that after the second show Where it's late I haven't eaten So I'm making a good choice And then I got back to the green room And I was like where's the salad She didn't bring one And then I go oh maybe it's in the kitchen

So I go hey did you have my salad And my server was like I guess they were really behind And I was like nah We were frantic at that point We have like an hour and a half drive back There's nothing to do There is nothing you can do

That's when you have fast food That's the life of the comic man You gotta eat some cheeseburgers in a parking lot at midnight Damn I'm having a big ass fucking breakfast Oh Four Bean and cheese burritos Lathered with two big ass eggs

That was um Yeah so that was that And then we had breakfast right Yeah and then we continued to make really good choices We slept on that Burger King Well that's the key to eating well Is you go to the Burger King You go to the Burger Joint

You get the full meal And then you go right to bed after Like that And then the next morning we woke up And made more good decisions We went to like the local pancake house And that was a fun one too Because I decided to try corned beef hash

For the first time since I was 10 years old My dad growing up a single dad Eat a lot of corned beef hash Out of cans And even canned I loved it Chef Boyardee corned beef hash And I ordered that Some eggs, some toast

And fucking sticks Sausage and cheese patties And then after the Burger King And that breakfast Oh damn It's not a good morning It's not a good morning I came home and I had like instant

Batastrophe It was really instant and I was like Why did we do this bad decisions Yeah That is though The trap you can fall into I feel like you have to stay aware Conscious of what you're doing

With our lifestyle When I started doing the road I would be just like Just justify every bad meal Just eat bad all the time Because it's just convenient And now it's at least where I'm like Oh my god what have I done

And I'll get on track at least for a few days And I'll work out And you know You guys when you did the Philosophy podcast yesterday Went on a run Yeah I mean the problem is I get into bad habits Like even though we were home

We could sleep at home There's no food in the house because we were out performing You fall behind dude And I feel like it's the only way now To actually live And get through all this traveling and shows Is you have to take care of yourself At least sleep

You gotta sleep I made fitness for the first time in a while Hey well how was that Here's I've been trying Different fitnesses Like I tried doing that bullshit Cardio bar that all the white ladies Are doing in my neighborhood

Making fitness by the way is the Official eastern block way of saying working out Just in case someone doesn't know I don't like making fitness But I'm forcing myself to And I went to that stupid bar class And they're kicking and punching Or whatever the fuck doing

Trying to do exercise It's a form of aerobics And I can't get into it man I feel like an idiot Dude when you did power Yoga in a living room For like an hour And then I've never

I've never seen you Break like that I don't know if I'm gonna make it today You went to bed at nine o'clock Well it's a lot I did power yoga not regular yoga And did you see my form Did you see how good my form was

Yeah your form was really good I walked by a few times and saw you doing things How did my downward dog look How was my cobra strong Like you put on a clinic Power cobra Yeah your power cobra was powerful Very powerful

Yeah I watched this guy His name is Brian Kest He's online The good thing is go to Brian Kest If you like Peter Cain The guy we play with the dogs Brian Kest is the Peter Cain Of the yoga world

He does power yoga here in Santa Monica All the celebrities go to him But he keeps it real He said something I was during the yoga class He puts them online I want you to drop your head back As far as you can

It's about aesthetics It doesn't matter how far back you go It matters how much you're feeling How much you're feeling So we were doing We were doing a leg stretch You stretch out your butt muscles And he goes

That stretch looks so fucking sweet I'm gonna sit down and do it too And then he sits down and does it with you Every now and then He strips away the pretense He'll be like this position It's called Put your leg behind you

There's nothing special about it His cadence is weird And every now and then He curses in class I used to drive to Santa Monica to do it live with him He's just so much fun He's the best I like somebody that goes

We're not gonna use all the fancy Why put the pretense into it And just You're going there to get a workout And he gives you some of the philosophy behind it But there's nothing pretentious about him Which is great That's really good

Don't worry about Oh here it is Oh good She sucked my dick Forens to know My n***a used to grow A reading rainbow Here we go again

I can't be anything Same old shit Take a look In a book Reading rainbow Reading rainbow Reading rainbow What you really want

What you really want What you really want Man DMX with the reading rainbow So good I didn't know he did the theme song for reading rainbow Well they released a version Without him

But the original was with him This is really good There's so many big words in it A lot of big words Definitely different DMX Miss Pat was awesome And if you haven't heard the Miss Pat episode

We do Tama Black with her It's pretty phenomenal You're going to be surprised We've never gone down to the wire and we won't You know how it ends It's pretty amazing Let's just say you really fooled her on a lot of stuff That was really good

It was a good game, it was a good matchup I had a worthy opponent I felt challenged It was interesting because remember she was like You didn't just have black people She was like She had a slave We were like what

We didn't even categorize it that way Of course not, but she was amazing She was amazing So funny dude Her stories were incredible And just so you know guys that was because of you Tweeting us about her And we had to get her in

Because you guys wanted her You guys were really Really into getting her on Because it was really It was pretty phenomenal What What y'all really want I'm obsessed with him right now

What about the crying thing I was talking about this on stage I was so I was so like Just fascinated by this And that is If you go on YouTube

You go to You have to see this It's just incredible to me So There's a part where they're talking about His grandmother dying And how she was the most important person In the world to him

And he gets really emotional But what's really crazy to me Is that When he gets emotional The way that he snaps out He doesn't want to cry He growls He's famous

And he would actually bark He would bark in songs But to see That's not just a performance thing It's an amazing insight Into the way somebody's mind works Interesting It's incredible

I think He would start drinking The lyrics 94 She was diagnosed with bone cancer At all until that day I feel like I lost my life I lost everything that was like

Special to me Pay attention Pay attention to what you hear As far as how he Stops himself from being sad Only person that I was special too You know because no matter how hard

How hard we are How tough we are We need to be someone's baby Whoa He growls He fully growled to stop To get out of the feelings I should try that

We need to be someone's baby Wow What y'all really want That was intense Yeah Poor guy That's heavy huh Dude

I've done things but I've never growled I don't growl when I'm trying to stop crying Just like look around Yeah I knew that I started I don't like to cry in front of my shrink now Last week I was like I'm not gonna give this bitch the satisfaction Like she's like

She's like It was great to see her cry Make this girl cry this week Talking about my mom and shit I'm like I'm not gonna cry this week I'm gonna hold it together You know what always gets me Are these pieces These packages that like

They make to get you emotional On TV like ESPN for instance will be like They'll show a bunch of sports highlights And then they'll be like when we get back Trevor is six He has you know a brain tumor But he always wanted to spend

A day with the Seahawks Oh no Trevor You start one and they have the violin Playing and then he's like I like touchdowns And you're like And you start watching and then the parents are like This is the best day we've ever seen

For Trevor and They show him in the hospital Oh man I'm going to hold the football And then I just floodgates I can't watch them I cry every time I watch one of those And I know it's coming

I know on the teaser that it's tears city Is coming See I don't like those packages because I know They're trying to milk me on it And then I get mad and I'm like No I will not cry for you I will not If I watch it there's tears

So my only choice is watch it and cry It feels good I'm going to watch this and get some tears screaming Yeah I know Can I tell you what I cried about yesterday As I was driving To see my shrink So there's this great interview

With Kevin Hart On Oprah radio I love me some Oprah Super Soul Sunday So Kevin Hart is talking About starting in comedy And how he didn't go into college He just did high school Started to stand up out of high school

And his grandmother Agreed to pay his rent for a year Well he made it as a comedian Now of course it takes a little bit longer Than a year to make money as a comic So six months into this So anyway She just hands him a bible

And then like a few months go by And he's like I need my rent check grandma Give me the rent and she's like Just go read your bible Because the eviction notices start coming And she keeps saying Just read your bible

So finally you know he's panicked And one day he opens up the bible And she had put all the rent checks In the bible that she gave him months Earlier and she had dated them In the future so she had The years worth of checks in the bible And I heard that and I was like

She supported him And then it's interesting I brought that up to my shrink Goes interesting because that love was conditional Wasn't it? And I was like What? Because she had to hide it in the bible In order for him to get it Like there was kind of a condition Put upon that money

It was kind of a shitty thing in a little way Okay I don't see it that way Strings a little bit of strings like they had to share a faith thing Right but she was you know trying to Be nice obviously But if you look at it from a psychological perspective She wasn't like it's hidden in this puppy's stomach You gotta murder this puppy

You want them checks? Those checks are in the puppy's belly There's only two ways you can do that Here's a knife That's so funny But you cried I did in the car yeah I was thinking about getting a wall

And just get pictures of you crying on the wall That's nice Just me in pain Emotional pain You know what I like to do I know you got this neat dvd out And it goes really well About your jokes

I like to put together a dvd compilation Of all your bombs Like just you failing Like an hour of just your failure Pretty good one called episode 172 Yeah that's the right I forgot But I want more I want all your failures

Yeah that's true Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah I haven't heard that in a long time I really like it We have been

Really taken by this show Married At first sight Oh my god it's so good So this show is Referred to me Through a friend who loves awful reality Shows too

And it's listed as a Social experiment Where a team of psychologists And people Matchmakers, sexologists get together And then they pair up People and they have to get married Upon first seeing each other

They meet at the altar How crazy is that It's totally fucking crazy And there's no way I would participate In this shit Maybe if I was really Really down and out About dating possibilities

Meeting scene I feel like The thing is I don't think they're these people They're not ones that are like This is a desperate move Except for the girl That you read her crazy radar Very early

That red haired girl Because she's been on The Bachelorette But I had no idea about that I heard one sound bite and I was like Problems It is for people who have Think about it A blind date is one thing

But to be like I'm going to marry this person They got married But however How does it work in India In Indian culture The eastern part of the world Has a tradition Of arranged marriages

But you know the family You know what they look like Somebody's vetting them The families too The parents match you up Based on socioeconomic I would love to force an arranged marriage On you

Where you have to marry somebody horrible Really? Who would you set me up with To marry I would set you up with somebody with Really really bad hygiene problems Somebody You know

Somebody who has Who's immobile Yeah but not like Not like with disease I mean just like Maybe they have a I know who you want Like a manual or a rebate

I was just going to say that The fattest man in the world Who's now passed away But I wouldn't want him to be that big I'm talking about like 600-700 pounds You know Maybe he doesn't have that many teeth And

You just have to feed them And change his diet Okay but Motorized scooter fat Not bed ridden fat He's on the cusp One more Chinese takeout meal And he's in the scooter

Like that guy The main thing is that you wipe him And you change him every day Who's the guy that would lower the bucket Out of his third story window That was a guy in New York That black guy He was on the show

And they put the pizza in And I told him Man you're doing it He was sneaking meals from the bucket They were bringing him food And he was like I still call for the bucket The bucket Put it in the bucket

Put the pizza in the bucket And then Can I tell you something now? Dirty and disgusting About the royals About some palace Where King Henry lived Oh my god

And the best part is at some point So many royals just fall into Overeating to deal with their emotions And I'm like yeah I can see myself doing that That's not so I already do it I can see myself doing that in the present Tonight

But if you have just Servants and you have all that type of power And you don't worry about Working Or my clothes won't fit You're like sew me another silk fucking robe Now Sir this is

This will fit your new 58 inch waist Fantastic And we'll paint you so that you look awesome If I had to choose My way of killing myself It might be eating myself to death Because that's like It's a slow process

It's slow It's fun and slow Eating yourself to death You're gonna have pleasure on the way out What's wrong with you What's wrong with y'all You niggas are crazy Can't do that

So Married at first sight You follow three couples These three couples are very different There's Doug And what's her name I was just writing about them today

I forget her name Shit Ah shit Doug and Kathy Tracy Stacey It's Doug And Jamie

It's Courtney And Jason And Monet and Von And I liked Monet and Von the best They were probably the most compatible on paper And they're having the hardest time Yeah they had They had a

A clash Because they had the best wedding Arguably right They had the best wedding They definitely had the best wedding night Yeah they hooked up Wedding night Like a few hours after they met

Here's them though They went on their honeymoon And this actually was I really empathize with the guy On this argument they had Because she was like At this point they're together like nine days They got married at first sight

They spent the night And then they went on a honeymoon immediately And He had agreed to move into her place Which is a big concession And she was saying like oh I love my Sunday brunches And you can come to Sunday brunch And he's like

For me Sundays are like I like to Not really go anywhere He says specifically Sunday is a Quote no talking day Yeah I like to just quiet When somebody says I don't talk on Sundays Just listen to that

Let the guy not talk on Sunday Because it's what he needs And you have to be aware My feeling on this is like Enjoy your brunch Like what we have when football season starts No talking until February Which is perfect

Because there's football I get to watch it and then I have to deal with your bullshit When does football season start for me? It starts in a couple weeks So that means All I want is a little bit of silence September, October, November, December, January And that's how we just work

Here's them It's different you know you're super sociable That's something we really look forward to I enjoy my quiet My peace time just not talking So that's kind of like We're kind of opposites in that way There's a lot of things

That we're good We make a good potential match for There's a lot of things that aren't I really ask for a bubbly person Somebody that's talkative To match my personality But when I come home from work I like peace and quiet

Honestly I find it to be almost too talkative It's like let's always talk Let's always interact Sometimes to me it just needs to flow naturally Last week he asked me to be more attentive But when I do attempt to try To be that attentive to him He then turns it around and says it's too much

I think it's a little dramatic Of like She's trying to like Break it down so much And being too intense About the situation I really just feel like if somebody Maybe it's just that I'm the guy

In this scenario but I get That somebody's like Sometimes I just want to Chill out And listening to this again for the second time She's kind of a dope And I feel like Hi Fifo

I feel like she's kind of a dope here I feel like when men tell you stuff Just listen When people tell you stuff That you need And then you're blatantly disregarding that And forcing your will on him Like why can't you just do your thing

And then he does his thing for a day Or a morning We need to talk all the time You asked me to talk last week And then we're not talking right now We're sitting on the couch She doesn't take emotional cues She's one of those people that's like

Maybe she works in HR Or she's an accountant Like she doesn't have the finesse Of How to deal with people She's too much Too much energy He's very low key

The way that this works is when Neither person is bothered By the other person's way of being In other words the chill person Goes like yeah She's bubbly, she's talkative She's a big personality That's cool

She doesn't force him To be in that He doesn't force her to like chill They can just be around each other But be different I think that's the fundamental flaw Of awful couples Is just let that person do them

You do you boo, I do me boo And I don't try to change you And you don't try to change me That's the key to it Just chill out I feel like I met one extreme to the next Because I'm trying to figure out Like I feel like he's ping-ponging me back and forth

And I don't know how to make him happy I am making an intense effort To be able to To be able to properly Communicate with you and pay attention to you But when I feel like I am sitting here just thinking We're having a casual chill conversation

And you feel like my conversation with you Was manufactured and it's not Manufactured Now if we're living together We're working these things You're so out there and so Let's do this, let's do that It's too much, it makes you go

You gotta turn it down a little bit I know her intentions were to get to know me But it's forced, it's being pushed It's an interview and that's It's not two people really getting to know each other That's me under a spotlight after day at work And that just makes me revolve more It makes me want to draw back more

If two people could just sit and just talk It doesn't have to be about To me it's I think right now you're being Ridiculous We're gonna call each other names, that's real That's not a name, that's like a legitimate characteristic I can't be with somebody who's gonna be

We're gonna argue with each other all night Such Insanely negative Honestly I have no idea where we go from here I still have my apartment in Jersey So if I get to a point where I'm that uncomfortable Let's see and you know what this is The fundamental problem is here

We just went at first sight What they're going through is The beginning of any relationship Or like hey I'm getting to know you We don't need to be married Or living together Because we've known each other nine days That's why it's this stupid experiment

And I think she needs to back off of him Just a little bit and he needs to back off of her They need to give each other some Forgiveness Just show some mercy y'all How about when Doug and Jamie got married And she was like Oh my god I'm gonna fucking puke

She She was about to say no at the altar Yeah that was the best She cried in the hallway Now to be fair When we're watching this you were like That is so unfair to that pretty girl It isn't fair

Because She's like super cute She's super cute And he's like a troll compared to her It's not fair As a viewer you get to like him more As the show progresses Because he's really attentive and he's really patient with her

But on the looks department You have to be at least in the same You have to be in the same I mean they hooked up everybody else Equivalently to their looks Dude this guys I will say this and I've said this a long time Women are a better

Species As a guy And not even Think it's okay If there was that differential And you know if I'm the good looking one And they brought the equivalent of that I would be like no man

You would say no to her at the altar 100% Of course You guys are like well you know I'm not feeling it physically but Maybe there's an awesome person here I would be like hey man you can go ahead And stop rolling

That's true women are more Welling to look at intrinsic values We look at things like character, morality Fuck that Ethics Backgrounds Cans Legs

If this monster walked up Alright Tommy No we can Go ahead and cut I know who's your match If you're gonna match my wedding What was her name? Griselda Blanco

What a neat lady First of all Entrepreneurial The matriarch of Medellin Entrepreneurial Real spirited Feisty Is a way of saying it

Responsible for thousands of deaths Just a little firecracker Latin firecracker Drug kingpin Right? Oh I love her What a neat lady Just a little sociopathic Just to kind of keep you on your toes

You can't really read her emotionally Just slightly sociopathic But I'd like that for you You're not able to read her cues emotionally If she would have deficit She does have a cool thing she did She named her son Michael Corleone Yes

Cause I like the movie I like the guard father in the movie And she spent And she spent time in prison And she got a little Husky And she hooked up with Bill Cosby She hooked up with Bill Cosby

Wasn't that his name? I don't think she hooked up with Bill Cosby I think that's his name The guy who does cocaine cowboys too His name is not Bill Cosby Are you sure? Pretty sure I would remember that

We named our only son After a cast member of that show I think I wouldn't know You and Griselda would make a nice couple You're right But it is Charles Cosby I thought it was Bill

How dare you have that last name What's up Chuck? Charlie Cosby That sucks I thought you had something else there Oh I've got tons of stuff Let's talk about We were watching this bummer of a movie

What was it called Outback Steakhouse? Out of the Furnace And here I was expecting I love Christian Bale And I love What's his name? Casey Affleck And I like white trashy kind of stories You know

And then it was like this bummer of a film You know what it is? White people stuff White people like bummers of movies And then it occurred to me People who like Million Dollar Baby And all these movies were Horrific and then she ends up crippled

Like why are you watching this And why are you telling me to watch this I think it's for people that didn't have anything Really crummy happened to them in their lives You know when you have crappy stuff Happened I don't want to see it in a movie It's a problem with white people That's a problem with white people

They don't have enough bad stuff in their lives They got to manufacture it in movies Brian, my cousin Brian I was like hey did you see that movie And I'm like what is it He's like well you know It's this guy And he loses his legs

And then It was before his wedding So his fiance leaves him But then after that When he finds out he has bone cancer And then Then he gets robbed And stuff, it's a great movie

It sounds like the most depressing shit I've ever heard anybody describe He's like yeah I guess you don't like that No of course I don't like that But Hollywood loves this White people love this They give each other massive backslaps And awards for these movies

They should categorize it now And now the Oscar for best White person movie That's sad and depressing for all white people To enjoy The best white Oscar The best bummer goes to My left foot

Here are five white film makers will be profiling For this white bummer of a movie Five seconds in you like sounds depressing as shit The acoustic guitar music There's a white whistle That's a white guy thing There's a lot of trucks And the director of Crazy Heart

Sounds super white How much do you loan me? I ain't got that kind of cash Lawn around or bail you out Bro, you wanna get a drink there? Yeah I'm gonna look with dinner That sound in the trailer is always like

And then bad stuff happens Yeah Do you like super depressing stuff? I think you're gonna enjoy this movie Because it starts off nice They're family oriented He's got this great relationship with a brother He's got this kick ass girlfriend

Everything's great What's gonna happen? American Dream come true? I mean, you know, if it's a movie I hope it gets really really sad and hard to watch Is that what you got in store for us? Ron, you were supposed to meet me here half hour ago Where is he? What the hell do you want to find?

How do you need the money? You gotta be a good boy and take a dive I'm not gonna have to teach you a lesson Jesus Christ I'm over this shit I can't even hear the trailer It bums me out I hate those chords

I hate that instrument I hate everything Like million dollar Million dollar baby, right? The story of this poor girl Her family is terrible She finally works her way up to being the only female boxer Or whatever who's successful

And then she gets crippled Or, you know, brain dead And dies Hey guys, did you like that fun movie? Is that a fun story for you? You like that? You like tissues? You like that empty sinking feeling? We can manufacture it

Spend millions to make you feel that way If you like that I feel like life is full of enough empty sinking feelings I don't need to pay to feel that way guys You know what I'm saying? Give me Big Mama's house or something Let me watch a Tyler Perry movie At least I get a chuckle out of Medea

You know, big tits swinging around That was such a bummer just talking about that I'm gonna do something for you Before we get out of here But first let's change pace Post this morning from this guy I just posted this video that I did About the oxytocin level being increased

When we pet dogs You know, people should know this And, you know, he posts this thing Like, now that's absurd Dogs are to be petted Listen you dumb motherfucker Dogs are not to be petted If they're not yours

By the way, in Peters in this video He has War sound effects There's bombs and machine guns going off In the, in his background Of his video He's a dog by technique and discriminately You do that, that's fine

But you walk up to my dog Or a dog that I'm working with On the street and start petting it Or like, oh, let it jump up Oh, it's okay, I like dogs You're a dumb motherfucker I train dogs by petting them You dumb fuck

If you're petting a motherfucking dog If somebody else's dog that isn't yours You might be petting it to do something stupid You dumb fuck And listen, stupid shit Petter, if you don't understand this They're not your dogs Okay?

I'm gonna speak in terms that you might Understand anthropomorphically Okay, the dog is my child You understand that? The dog is my child He's crazy He's lost his mind I love it

May I just make one endorsement I'd like to thank the person That sent us that water pick Finally got around to using it Just so you know, when you use a water pick You have to Leave your mouth open a little bit No

The water can't Find its way out Also You'll spray your mirrors A lot, the first time you use a water pick Just be prepared for that, okay? I made a mess Of our bathroom, but my teeth were so clean

And thank you so much For the water pick, sir Thank you for gifts We've been getting gifts from people Thank you for the bottle of wine We got in Ontario Was that Jeff or James? Sorry guys, bad with the names

Yep, it's very kind of you Thank you Mike Dolce For the books on Living Lean And All the healthy meal eating stuff So Mike Dolce, Dolce Diet Thank you for that, what do you have there?

I think this is the guy that gave us the water pick I think it's Pat Thank you guys I'm not sure though I'm not sure So there's that I did have this One other quick

Thing to endorse Or say thank you for And this is Unprompted No one asked me to do this Oh yeah, of course a huge thank you To Datsuda for the backpack I think I've mentioned that before

That awesome backpack It's a neat one, yeah Nobody asked me to do this But I just have to mention this I was in Sacramento at the punchline this past weekend Which was amazing Amazing shows Amazing crowd

That club has moved into my Conversation for favorite clubs now It's punchline Sacramento It is the best, the crowds are amazing Huge thank you To everybody who came out in Sacramento Afterwards, and he handed me a card

He has a late night cookie delivery service Now I didn't get to order them But The idea, I was like, I think that's a brilliant thing For all the things you can have late night Especially like, you're stoned But not pot cookies No regular cookies

And the website is cookies The letter N, milkdelivery.com Cookiesandmilkdelivery.com If you're in Sacramento, why not get Some chocolate chip or macadamia cookies Instead of, I don't know, pizza You see cookies for dinner Or get the pizza and the cookies

Yeah, get both Why don't you tell me to have a good night Have a good night You have a good motherfucking night That's karma All day, 24-7 All day, alright This was a blast, thank you guys

For listening, please go to Yourmomshousepodcast.com Please buy tickets for my shows Yourmomshousepodcast.com Go to Christina's at ChristinaComedy.com And anything else, Jean? No, I love you guys, thanks for listening, mommies We love you, bye everybody

Honestly And this is like, this goes for almost all The moments in the scene It wasn't until somebody was actually There telling me you have two in you Or you have three in you That like, it actually kind of clicked And I'm like, oh my god, this is actually happening

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