Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 249-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 20, 2014

When you can't write a song, just sing what you're actually seeing or holding the moment that you open your mouth. That way you can belt out a total piece of trash, just like you were meant to. Turn up the volume! Listen to us talk about stuff and play audio clips! See? Plus Tommy met Mike Tyson. What? Yup. And it's a pretty crazy story. Turns out the former champ is a big fan of streaming content.  Do Cargo shorts make that bulge even BIGGER? The mommy's debate and invite you to weigh in with your d**k knowledge. Give us your best shot, little jeans. And OMG Maria is FIRED UP. Was it service? Yes. Was it Starbucks? No. Is a race/ethnicity mentioned? You bet! Pull em up!

Jeans, up. Ready? Let's go. And action. I had something come up so I'm no longer doing Philly Wednesday night, but I am doing Philly Thursday, Friday, Saturday. So Helium in Philadelphia, you know I'm your dad and I'm going to be there and I'm also your mom and I'm doing one of my favorite clubs, which is your club. So please come out Thursday, Friday, Saturday, only Helium in Philadelphia. That is that. And then next week I'm going to the great city of Denver, Denver, Momvolato as you put it. Momvolato. I'm going to come keep you company.

You're keeping me company. Comedy works in downtown. I'm doing the downtown club, not the south club. Downtown club is my favorite. And I am also there Thursday, Friday, Saturday. You'll be doing shows there Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night in Denver, but not Sunday night. That's right. We're flying back Sunday. And I'm bringing, not only am I bringing you out to keep me company, but Big Earn, aka Andy Erickson is coming to do the shows with me. How exciting is that? By the way, I don't hope I'm not spoiling anything, but our friend Ann Tullock, I don't

know how to say her last name in Denver, DM'd me to see what your size was. So you might have something cool being there for you from the mommies. Oh, that is exciting. But these are two of the best comedy clubs in the country. And I'm very excited to be doing Denver and Philly these two weeks. That's awesome. I'm just looking at our new portrait. We'll get into that in a minute. Let's not spoil that yet. Let's just stick to business. For our international Asian genes, I'm also going to be in Hong Kong, Singapore, and Macau.

I'm there the week, September 8th through the 14th. So, you know, if you're around. It's a city connection right there. Yeah, just come see me, Gene's Connection. And that's that. We're going to take you right into the next month, September. Gene's and I are doing one show only in South Florida and it's September 18th at the Fort Lauderdale Improv. I don't know where that is. Oh, where? Fart Lauderdale.

Okay. Okay. Fart Lauderdale Improv in Fart Lauderdale. Actually, Hollywood, Florida, but we call it the Fart Lauderdale Improv. Well, you're very immature. That's part of the Seaman Hall Hard Rock Casino. Okay. Okay.

Okay. And then a week later, a week later, I'm in Orlando at the Mom Landow Improv. But here's what's important to the rest of you with your tits hanging all low and stuff. Oh. There's only one South Florida show for the whole year. It's one stand-up show. It's one night only. It's Thursday, September 18th. I also just added Minneapolis for October and I added Phoenix for December, full weeks at clubs.

Okay. Jeans, what's up? Well, I don't have anything. You know, I'm staying here in LA, working on stuff, but I want to plug the 18th date. I'm going to be at the Fart Lauderdale Improv. That's right. That's right. Is that it? Let me just think. Yeah, I think so. I mean, I don't go out until like October again. Okay. Oh, can I do this real quick? Yeah. Farts?

It's your show. Okay. I told some of you this and some of you've gotten it, but I'm very, very excited that there are hard copies of completely normal. I know a lot of you saw it on Netflix and you're like, I have it on Netflix. But for the non-Netflix people, you can buy the hard copy and the first, I don't know, I think it's 100 or autographed. And I think there's still some left. So if you want that, please go to the site, either TomSigura.com or your mom's house podcast.com and click and order the hard copy of completely normal. And also

on the site, on our site, your mom's house podcast, we added some more clips. So people have really enjoyed watching the source of some of the audio clips we play and they're all there on the site. Yeah. And guys, don't ask me to put up the pornography stuff. Okay. It's inappropriate. We're not putting up, there's my, my, my, my, my, yeah, or like, just stick it in there and quit debating. It's not going on the site or, or black salami. Black salami is not appropriate for our site. You can't ask me to take fucking black salami and put it on the site. It's rude.

That's not going on the site, you know, because we don't need to offend the children. Sometimes children love our site. I don't know why. I didn't know we don't need to horrify people. Yeah. That German nipple is enough. That's the best one. Yeah. Some guy wrote to us, he said, he said, my girlfriend gets really upset by that video. Really? Yeah, email. Why is she upset by it? She hates it the most. Why? The most. How could you, that guy is so passionate about what he likes. I know. That's kind of like the, there's no point to why would you be upset about that? I don't understand people. I don't understand either. Fucking fart on these fucking Swiss cakes. Eat them.

Eat them. On Swiss cakes? There's a. Oh, I wonder if Tosh point, I was going to play that soon. Yeah, I said I threw down that gauntlet. Tosh point. Oh, King ass river. Good luck. If they could find him, I'd be really impressed. So would I. You know, he's got the power of TV. By the way, he hasn't quit producing content. We're all over the place in this episode, but he hasn't quit producing content. We'll get into that maybe after the theme song. I'll make another one. Let's do it.

Backpacks, backpacks, come get your backpacks and boots and pants and boots and pants. Get yourself an outfit denim boots and pants and boots and pants. So get yourself up to school with these tails. Hair cut. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Don Segura. Christina. Welcome to your mom's house.

Whoa. Wow. I never used drums before. Highlighters. Okay. Go. Go. Work. Push. Go. You've got this. Your ass. Your ass. Affirmations. Positive. You're the best drum player in the world. Thank you. I've been playing drums for 26 years.

Your jeans are the highest. Your beard is the fullest. Your hair is the fullest. Thank you so much. Your boobs are the biggest. Your jeans are the highest. You like that? What is that? The worst commercial of all time. Yeah, it's pretty shitty. Yeah, it's pretty bad.

But she does. The only upside is they do plug denim twice. Yeah, they're clearly fans. Oh, of course they're fans. Of course they're fans. That's a commercial for a mall. And what they did was they're in front of, I think, a green screen. They have a microphone. They have a guy who's fucking doing his horrific beat.

Yeah, that's amateur hour. And then they hold up items and just say what they are. Haircuts. Boots and pants. Which was, I guess, again, the positive part. But it's the worst commercial I've ever seen. It really is so bad. You've not seen this? Just saying what it is.

Go back to school shopping. Get your back to school shopping. This reminds me of every musical ever and why I don't like musicals. This is why I can't even fucking stomach like Andrew Lloyd Webber stuff. It's the same thing. You're pulling up your pants and you're walking across the street. Saying what's going on. You're walking across the street.

Yeah, you're saying exactly what's going on. It's the equivalent of a place that's going like we have... There's different things. You can get at our restaurant. You can get something to drink and you can get stuff to eat. What's on the menu? There's different foods. Appetizers.

Let's list them. And salads with carrots in them. And you're like, what the fuck are you doing right now? It's like if you ever listened, remember when we were kids and you'd make up songs? Yeah. And you'd just sing about whatever was around you. Yeah. Like I'd be like, oh, my tree, you're so pretty to treat.

I'd love my tree, my darling. But you know there's an excuse for that. Cats, because I was a retarded child? You're a child. Yes. Yes. I was a retard. Don't say the R word, please.

You know how I feel about that. Denim, haircut. Backpacks, backpacks. Come get your backpack. Boots and pants and boots and pants. Get yourself an outfit. Denim. Get yourself an outfit.

That was the saddest one. Why the beat box? Why? It's a white person doing beat box. You can tell. Of course it is. They have as much rhythm as I do. That's how I do beat box.

I feel like that girl's going to go, get yourself an outfit. Get yourself an outfit. Denim. Boots and pants and boots and pants. Hair cut. She's not committing to it when she's like, get yourself an outfit. You should see the haircut on the person telling you to get a haircut. Hippy?

No. Long-haired. Just bad. Just somebody who you might, your first thought might be, that person should get a haircut. So get yourself back to school with these tails. Hair cut. All right.

We got it. God. That was back to school day yesterday for children. They went back to school. Remember that though, dude, first day back to school. Wait, yesterday was first day back? Yeah. Really?

Yeah. Remember like you come back from summer times and like everybody had grown, like you grow like 10 feet a summer when you're a kid for some reason? 10 feet. Yeah. You come back and you're like, look at Tom Segura. He's, you know, seven foot 10. And your beard probably came in by fifth grade.

When did you get this beard? No. I mean, I started shaving in seventh grade. But that was like, that was the, because I had like the thing. The Puerto Rican. Yeah. The Puerto Rican stash was coming in. And then the hair on the sideburns were starting to grow. So, but that wasn't, you know, that's not daily shaving.

I needed the daily shave by the time I was like a junior in high school. I bet your eyes, you shaved your eyes out of my face. There's nothing grosser to me than prepubescent boys facial hair. It's horrible. It's so gross. It just looks like masturbation. The only thing worse than that is an adult man who has that hair still on his face. Yeah.

Some guys can't grow a beard. Yeah. Then you just shouldn't, right? Like if you can't. No, if you can't, don't do it. Just shave. I know. I have, I have some friends that are really like mad about it and they feel like they, it's like one of their big points of contention is that they don't get to grow beards.

Because they get like, they get patches. They have like patchy fur. Patchy fur. Yeah. You can sell people your beard trimmings and they can make a beard out of it. It's really full right now. It's so full. So full.

And I like the silver dogs in there. I like the peppers. I really like the different colors. I think it's cute. Now your sister is not a fan. I posted a picture, I haven't even mentioned on the show, but I posted a picture that I, when I met Mike Tyson. Yeah.

And then you sent it to her. Yeah. And our first thing was how excited she was that I met Mike Tyson. And then she called me the next day and she was like, honestly, you seriously, you seriously, you have to die. You're weird. This isn't, this is Jane. This is Jane, not Maria.

She's like, you really, Tommy, you have to, Tommy, you have to. And I go, I don't want to. And she goes, it's really bad. Like you look really, really, really bad. Like that's how she talks. And I was like, but I feel okay. And she was like, it looks terrible. I think it looks distinguished.

This is Jane. Oh my God. Seriously? That's Jane. You look very distinguished. You look like, you know, when like the older gorillas have silver chest hair and silver fur, you're like the older gorilla in the pack. I'll just say this.

It doesn't bother me. Yeah. So I, if it doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother me. Yeah. One of your pubes going to turn gray. I don't know. They haven't started.

I have some, I have some gray chest hairs. Yeah. But again, it's just like a little bit that also doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother me. I like it. I prefer that. Oh my God. You guys are so disgusting.

Now remember back to school times with FIFA's here. Do you know if you've caught a fly when you were in here? What? So there was a flea flow and he was like biting it and he caught it and he ate it. Really? Yeah. Gross. Dogs are so gross.

But remember like back to school times when you were a kid and then you'd go back to school clothes shopping and your mom wouldn't let you get brand name shoes. So you'd have to go to Payless and get like the whack. Yeah. Payless shoes. Yeah. That's not true. You guys had brand name.

I bet you guys had Reeboks, like real high top Reeboks, huh? No. Well, it, you know, it varied. Like, I remember not having or it all depends on your age. And then don't forget I was playing sports. So like it starts to matter more because you're playing sports to have the cool. Like I didn't have, I don't remember having stylish cool kicks for like going to school. I just remember like, okay, I'm playing basketball right now.

I need to get a good pair of basketball shoes. And then you would go for like, I would try to, I never had Jordans, but I'd try to get like nice, like Nike's or Reeboks. Yeah. Well, I know just growing up in LA, like I felt the pressure to dress cool from like second or third grade on cause like people just had cooler stuff. You know, my mom never got me. She would always insist on buying me like sweat outfits, like sweat pants and sweatshirts.

Well, she's dressing you like a fucking, like a commie fucking drug dealer that came over. She's dressing you like, like what, what she knew on motherfuckers. I want to win the spelling. Would she buy you tracks? That's what I'm telling you. It's so crazy. It is. But now looking back, it is.

But back then I didn't know any better. Yeah. She's dressing me. Yeah. Like a fucking Armenian drug dealer. Hilarious. Look, I want to win spelling. Was she like, it looks good.

You look cool. Time tables. I learned time tables. I didn't know. I thought every kid was going to come rocking a cool tracksuit and then it was just me. You go fourth grade, you go fifth grade. You wear Adidas tracksuit. It wasn't even Adidas, dude.

I got like, I don't know what fucking wack ass brand. You wear knockoff Adidas tracksuit. Yeah. It's so ghetto, dude. You look good with these tracksuit. You look, this is good look for the woman, especially for little girl. Little girl's love tracksuit. Little girl's go hand in hand with tracksuits.

Yes. Chris is like, are you going to love this? She used to get me different colored tracksuits, but I got to pick the color. So like, I would have like a light, like a pink one, a turquoise one. Like really? And I remember at the time. What grade is this? Dude, this is like, shit, man.

Fourth, fifth grade. I had, you know, I've never known this before and all the time I've known you. This is a total revelation. This is a big moment. This is the time you're telling me that you, my spouse, wore fucking tracksuits to third and fourth grade. Third grade. I lived with my dad.

So I wore a dress like Madonna. Like he, I would wear tube skirts and ear, like your crazy earrings and lace. Fucking gloves and gloves and press on nails. And he was like, do whatever you want. And he was like, that's okay. It looks good. Look cool. And then the teachers would call home and be like, your daughter's dressed like Madonna.

And he's like, yeah, so like it didn't even occur to him that that was odd. He just wanted to let me have fun because my mom was such a douchebag. Right. But then at her house, it was all utility. It was, it was function over form. So like the, the sweatsuit was like the perfect utility for a kid. Right. Right.

Like you just put, you put what different one on every day. Like, so I had one for like every day of the week tracksuit. It's hilarious. Yeah. It was useful. Not what little girls wear. But it's not what I wanted dresses. And she's like, dress is so stupid.

Dress is stupid. Why do you want to wear a dress? Wear nice tracksuit. Tracksuits. You look cool and you can put a knife, you can keep knife inside jacket. Right. Yeah. Right.

Right. It's such a banana outfit to wear. You can carry your knife and your drugs in the pocket. Definitely never saw another little girl in a tracksuit. Of course not. But it kind of made me a fucking gangster. Right. I guess so.

I guess so. Made me hard like a thug. I'm a criminal son. Yeah. Yeah. And then I, but by sixth grade, I wised up. And I was like, I'm not wearing this whack shit anymore. Okay.

And then I make them buy me cooler stuff. Like, like, oh, you know what I love, dude? Looking. Widerdose pants. What do they call those beige pants with pockets on? Like fatigue pants. No camos. No, dude, not camo.

They're like, shit. Come on. Now they're big in the 80s. What are these? Cargo pants. Yes, dude. Is that what you wanted? Oh, I remember wanting cargo stuff.

So cool. All those pockets. Yeah. Yeah. Not like boys want like the girl version. Oh. I was like, punk, I like that. If you're a dude now with cargo shorts,

you're a big old asshole though. That's like considered a very. Well, it makes your dick look weird. What? They're like dick shorts. Cargo shorts? Yeah. Cause like those big pockets on the thighs,

it makes your, it bunches at the crotch. What are you talking about? Yeah. I always look at guys' crotches and those. You're so fucking, you're such a dirt dog. You're a pervert and a dirt dog. What was your favorite outfit as a child? Can we just talk about how that's not true?

What? You're just so in tune with dicks that you're like. It's true. No, it's true. Camouflage pants. Okay. Fatigue pant, what do they call it? Cargos?

Cargo shorts. They have nothing to do with dick stuff. They got big pockets on the thighs, right? And what that does is it makes the fabric in between your legs bunch up. And then I always notice the fabric bunches around the dick and like, they're like dick shorts. Like, look at G.I. Joe.

Okay. Like remember G.I. Joe, he wore and the, I just remember like the way they drew the character, his dick would show more. No, it's true. Why don't you believe, don't invalidate this thought. Just trust me. No, I'm not going to trust you.

And I know that you're wrong. You're just wrong. I'm going to go out and I want our listeners to weigh in on this. You can, you can go ahead and you can be the decider. Your mom's podcast at gmail.com in the subject line, put cargo shorts. Do cargo shorts have an effect on the appearance

of one's bulge cock and or balls? I say not a chance. I've worn cargo shorts, although I proudly no longer own a pair. I've worn multiple colors shades of them. No impact whatsoever on the dick. Christina is voting and saying that cargo shorts have a huge impact on the dicks. Maybe it's the guys with cart wearing cargo shorts

just have that different dick swag. And then that's what you're seeing. But that's your vote. You're saying it has a big impact on it. Yeah. For some reason, I've always noticed that it bunches up around the male crotch area and I see the bulge more ridiculous. Remember that girl we saw in the parking lot yesterday?

With her pussy out? Yeah. No, which one? No, she had those short shorts on, like those cut off Daisy Duke shorts with her pussy out. But then her fucking hushy was hanging out over her pants. She had her hushy out, yeah. She had a little belly.

I'm like, there's girls that don't give a fuck ever. And you see that more with women than with men. Yeah, I love it. Guys will be like, you know what? I have a big belly or whatever and they cover it up. Girls are like, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. Yeah.

I'm going to show off this regular body. She was like, her stomach meat was hanging over it. So much meat. So much. Her tummy meat. So we could say now that it's all over. Funniest wins. Yes, yes.

Sydney won. Sydney won. Congratulations. You don't know. Congrats. Sydney Castilla, who went, oh, for 10, won funniest wins. Congrats to Sydney Castilla. I know.

We have to have him back to redeem himself. There's no coming back from that, man. Do you think? No, no. We can have him back, but we'll never play Tom or Black again. It's over. Really? Yeah, no, no, no.

Never play Tom or Black again. Not with him. Yeah, I'm glad that he won. He was so good. He was so funny. He really was great. Sydney has good, good, good energy. He's a good, he's a good dude.

Yeah. You can sense it when you're around him. Yeah. He's a good person and he's funny, which is like super rare. Yeah. Very happy for him. And I guess you did have to be Black to win. I saw a lot of that.

It was really for people that don't know on the first episode, and then when like Marlon's introducing the show and like, hey, you're all going to be competing. Christina raises her hand on episode one and goes, do you have to be Black to win this? Because there's so many Black people. Yeah. And he was talking the only Black.

Yeah. And of course, like it got a lot of people were laughing and they isolated it and sent us the tracks of it. And then when this episode aired, I got, because I was tagged in a bunch of them, tweets, people were like, I guess you did have to be Black. That was funny. That was really great. Well, you know, in Sydney's defense, yes, he's Black.

And he's super, super funny. So not just Black. You have to be Black and funny. Yeah. That's what you said. That's what you said to somebody. Yes. So good for him.

Very good. He's got $100,000 richer. So we should definitely invite him back. Yeah. He might as fucking dinner or something. No shit. Also, I'm looking at this. Do you want to explain this?

Yes. So, so good. I was in Columbus, Ohio this weekend. Can I just give a fucking shout out to Columbus, Ohio? Seabuzz. What the fuck, man? Kray-Kray, huh? It was amazing.

Like the people, you came out. You supported her jeans. I had the best time. I mean, I brought Jeff Tate, who is a fucking headliner. And he featured and it was an amazing show to be on. Jeff is a great comic and you guys supported. So thank you to everybody that came out. I will definitely be back at the Columbus Funny Bone.

As a matter of fact, I got the offer to go back. They offered me today to go back for next year. So. Okay. Thompson Gore. I already accepted and I will be back in Columbus. Oh, and before I forget, thank you to everybody who came out to Rooster Teeth Feathers in Sunnyvale.

We had a lot of mommies come out strong. Thank you so much, guys. You guys made that week worthwhile. Yeah. So. And I never found out what the T stood for. You didn't even ask? I did ask and then it was never revealed to me.

Was it like a, it's a secret, like Illuminati shit? Yeah. Really? Let's just say Rooster knows, but he ain't telling. Whoa. Yeah. I know what you mean by that. Yeah.

I just, I don't even know what to say about that. That is just. Yeah. Yeah. So peep this. I'm, I am in, what's it called? I'm, I'm in Columbus after one of the shows and this nice couple comes up to me and you, you know, we get things all the time.

People are so sweet to us. They give us, they give us a doggy denim. They give us. Yes. I got a shirt for Theo. See 24 seven bottles of wine. We get bottles of wine. We weed weed.

We get cheese. We get all kinds of wonderful things. Pickles, posters. This lovely couple gave me a frame. Now the frame is a regular picture frame, but instead of being able to see the, the wood of the frame, it's all denim. It's a denim frame. And within the frame, hand drawn, it's like Sopranos.

And instead of the Sopranos though, it's you and me and FIFO. You are Polly Walnuts. Because I got the stripes in my hair. She drew you amazing. It's so good. And she told me she fucked up my face. So she used the cut out of a photo and put it over there, but it still looks great. Looks great.

And I'm Anthony. I mean, I'm, I'm Christopher, not the dog. He killed the dog. And then Tony Soprano is Theo. And it, the expression on his face, especially like that with his hands in his pockets, it just looks so crazy. And then it says there's no such thing as Wednesday. And I put it on my Instagram, which is Segura Tom, if you want to see it.

I put it on mine too. Just see the piezi. And it was made by Casey Ochoa. Thank you, Casey. Casey, it's just amazing work. Thank you so much. So good. So, so much.

I think what I like the most is when people spend a lot of time on ridiculous things. Nothing makes me hard. This is real. They put time into this. Oh, I know. It's so good. It's like a really good pencil drawing. Yeah.

It's amazing. Here. And look at Fifo's eyes. He's got like the craziest, he's got like droopy. Yeah. And he looks like, you know what he looks like? I'm all business. I'm all business here.

Yeah, it's James Kendall. And it says there's no such thing as Wednesday. That is just, you can't beat that. Everything about that is just, there's, it's amazing. There's no such thing as Wednesday. And that, if you don't know, if you haven't heard that is Tony Hinchclips, mom Joy Hinchclips, she used to, how do we say this delicately? Run numbers.

There you go. Yep. And we didn't interview with her if you want to go back and find out. Fuck, those are some of the best ever. And she told us that like, I talked to her about like, you know, people, basically they're playing the Lotto with a bookie. And I said, you know, about collecting. And I said, how did it work?

And, you know, she said, money's always due on Tuesday. Yeah. Tuesday. Tuesday. And I said, so I did a, like a role play with her. And so I was like, hey, yeah, Joy. And she's like, yep. So, you know, if I'll have it in like a couple of days.

And she was like, no, you got to pay me, you got to pay me Tuesday. And I said, well, I can't pay you Tuesday, but I, you know, I could pay you Wednesday. There's no such thing as Wednesday. And that's what she said. There's no such thing as Wednesday. She said, find it, borrow it, steal it. I don't know what you got to do, but get me that fucking money.

Yeah. I was like, holy shit. And do you remember when she employed the use of silence? It was, it was, it was a lesson. If you go back and listen to those, the, the, the thing about silence too is that it has power in different types of situations. And one of the things where it has a lot of power is in comedy. You know, a lot of comedians are scared of silence.

Yeah. So it's, it's like a moment of silence to them is, is absolute panic. So it's just talk, talk, talk, and it's like a hundred miles an hour. But if you use silence the right way, you actually suck people in more. Yes, because they lean in. They want to hear what you have to say as opposed to you chasing them. And it also, you know, especially when you're doing longer sets, you know, there's a natural wave that happens.

So when that silence comes, it gives you room for another explosion or something. They can't explode if they're already riding that high. Yeah. And I was reading this, but with fear, it's really leaving. It's great. And also in negotiations, like for money, I was reading this. I know I read every fucking motivational book and how to make money. And yeah, there's this guy, Ramit Sethi.

I think his name is this Indian kid who writes books on like how to be a millionaire. And he said during negotiations, that's a real powerful tool is silence. And I mean, think about it when you're, when you're trying to get money out of somebody, you just don't answer and see what they do. They'll come up with something to fill the space. Smart. Yeah. It's smart, man.

God's silence. God damn it. It's pretty, it's pretty, it leaves quite an impact. Guys, also the video of Tom playing our opening theme is up on the website. What did you put it on YouTube? It's on YouTube. Oh, it is? And then it's also on our, your mom's house podcast on the clips page.

If you want to see what I see every time we start the show, it's up. And he's such a good conductor, you guys. I mean, maybe we'll do different ones because that's just one version of what I do. That is one version. And today you picked up highlighters and stuff and you really incorporated that. Yeah. So you want to hear about meeting Mike Tyson? Oh my God, I can't believe we haven't even told the story yet.

I know. I can't believe I just occurred to me that we haven't talked about it. So I'm on a flight out Wednesday to go to Pittsburgh and I make that point because it's a day early and for people that don't know the comedy business, sometimes, especially because we're West Coast acts, they'll try to get us to come in a day early. One reason is so that you're there, they know you're there, but also so you can do press the next morning. And it's one of the big bombers for us.

We hate going a day early because the day of your life you have to give up just to fly. We like to go day of man. So it's a motherfucker. But anyways, Wednesday, I'm going out to Pittsburgh for presumably Thursday morning press. I find out that I don't have Thursday press. I have Friday press. I'm like, well, why the fuck am I going out then?

Right. So I'm not that excited. I get on the flight and right across the aisle, one row back is Mike Tyson. That's so crazy. It is crazy. You know what's crazy? The Mike Tyson. How people react.

Yeah, I'll fight back. People are boarding the plane and it takes an extra 40 minutes to board the plane. Jesus. Like an extra 40 minutes because everybody boarding the plane notices him and the crazy thing is what type of appeal he has to the general public. He literally appeals to like the whole the full demo. Like it's kind of cool to watch because if you watch, it's like old white ladies, 20-year-old black guy, 50-year-old Asian guy, 45-year-old white guy, 10-year-old, you know, little girl,

like it's every race, every age group, every religion. They're all stopping. Some of them are giving out fist bumps. Some of them are shaking his hands. Some of them are giving thumbs up. I'm assuming he's sitting in first class. Yes. And everyone, so he's, he, they board first class first.

So he's seated and everybody has to walk by. And I got to point this out. I got to say it because I think it's important because people are always tearing down, you know, the people, oh, you know, and this person didn't say, didn't acknowledge me and didn't, he's gracious to everybody. Shakes people's hands, hi, how are you? Gives a thumbs up to the people that do that to him. People are like, it's a great thing.

He's like, thank you, a pleasure to meet. Like he's nice to everybody. That's so nice to hear, isn't it? It is, it is. And you're a hero and he's a hero to so many people. To a lot of people. So he's, we're on the flight and I'm watching this and I'm watching like guys older, like probably one guy that's 41 guys that's 70 are in his row, but across the aisle.

And they are, they are fucking really going hard on him. Like, like they're like, uh, Mike, yeah. If you, if you go to the bathroom, I'd like to wipe it for you. If you don't mind them, like they're really laying it on, you know. If you have a fart, I'd like to smell it. Could you cup any of your farts and throw them over here? Cause I'd really like to see what they smell like. Nerds.

Yeah. Hardcore nerd now. Dad nerds. I notice him and he, I, you know, it's one of those things where I do make eye contact a few times one time, like I turn and I make eye contact a couple of times, like when he goes to the bathroom and comes back, it's really like, we're like, he would walk back and look and then go and like, you could like, you feel it inside you. Yeah.

The fear of the, yeah, you're like, it's going to kill you. Yeah. It's nothing. I mean, I would, it's just that like, it's one that stands out, like as he's walking down the aisle and then he goes, and you're like, fuck, like, it's like a, it's almost like when you see a tiger and you're like, woof. Right. Oh, I'm like, he is, he's, he's enormous.

Yeah. He's a, he's just, there's obviously something about him, you know, that you can't really put into words, but anyways, he's sitting there. I have not said shit to him. There's less than an hour in the flight to go. So we left at like four in the afternoon. It's 1130 at night now. And we're in the Eastern time zone and I go, should I say something?

And then I finally go, you know what? I should say something because like, he's iconic. And, you know, I used to fucking nerd out someone when I was a kid and he's right here now. So I get up and I said, I don't want to bother you, but I'm a big fan. I just wanted to tell you, and he shakes my hand and he like, he grabs it like with both hands. And I go, and he goes, thank you. No, he goes, thank you, Tom. He goes, thank you, Tom.

He said, thank you. And I said, what are you going to Pittsburgh for? And he said, I'm promoting a fight. And I go, promoting a fight is like, yeah, I'm a promoter now. So I promote fights, you know, and I go, oh, that's great, man. And he's like, what about you? And I said, I'm a comedian. I'm going to shows.

And he goes, you're a comedian? And I go, yeah. And he goes, where are you going? And I said, I'm going to the Pittsburgh improv. And he goes, where's that? And I was like, I have no idea. That's in the suburbs of Pittsburgh somewhere in a mall. And he goes, is your show tonight?

And I go, no, because it's 1130 at night right now. We're on a plane. And he goes, when is your show? And I said, it starts tomorrow. And then I have one Friday and then Saturday and Sunday. And then he's talking to like his guy, like, when is our stuff? And they're talking about it. And he was like, maybe we can go tomorrow or something.

I go, really? I would love to have you. And he's like, maybe. And then he goes, where's your show? And I'm like, it's at the Pittsburgh improv still. And he goes, how do I find it? I'm like, dude, I have no idea. I go, just Google.

I go, Google me. And I reach in my bag and I pull out my DVD and I give it to him. And I go, this is my name. Just Google this. And then it'll come up like where I'm at. And he goes, oh, thank you. And I go, yeah, if you do come, we would be honored to host you. So that's it.

I think that's cool. And then I met him. And then I sit back in my seat. And I just kind of wait in there. And then like five seconds later, I hear time. And I'm like, holy shit. No, wait, where are you sitting in proximity to him? Across the aisle, one row in front of him.

So I turn over my left shoulder and he's on across the aisle. And I'm like, yeah. And he goes, were you on television recently? He's saying this across the plane? Yeah. Oh my God, how funny. I go, and I'm actually thinking. And I go, not recently.

He goes, you sure? And I go, yeah. I go, well, I'm on Netflix and he points. And he goes, Netflix is amazing. And I go, yeah, yeah, Netflix is great. And he goes, what's your favorite show on Netflix? And I go, you fucking, are we doing this right now? Like seriously?

Wait, he's talking across the plane to you? And you asking all these questions? Yes. Oh, that is so funny. I had no idea. Yes. That's how it's so ridiculous. He's like, what's your favorite show on Netflix?

You're like, House of Cards. Yeah, that's exactly what I said. Season two. I go, I love House of Cards. And I go, I'm trying to think. You know, you feel pressure too. And then you can never think of what you like under the gun. It sucks.

Yeah, you can't. I know. And I also lied. So he goes, I said, House of Cards. And I go, I go, I watched all of Breaking Bad. And the reason I said it is I did love Break. And I did watch it. We watched it together.

But I also realized that I said it because I thought he'll like this. Because I want to say the thing that he gives approval to. Right, right. You know, especially because he's Mike Tyson. He's Mike motherfucking Tyson. You want to be his best friend for life. I go, I watch Breaking Bad. And he goes, my wife likes Breaking Bad.

Like disappointed. Like you like shit my wife likes. Oh, excuse me. Like it's because it's a girly show. Breaking Bad. Yeah. So I go like fuck. He goes, do you like Sons of Anarchy?

And I go, here's the truth. I've never seen it. But I go, yeah. And he goes, yeah, that's my shit like that. He loves Sons of Anarchy. So he gives me a he reaches out and gives me a fist bump on that. I turn around and then I go like that was cool. I had like a little conversation.

And then like five seconds later, I feel a tap on my shoulder. And I look up and Mike Tyson is standing above me. And I'm like, oh, I don't know what he's gonna. I have no idea what's about to happen. And he leans down and he whispers to me in my ear, like nobody can hear. He goes, I've been watching a lot of Netflix.

And that's it. Do you know how terrifying that is? I never thought that sounds could be that. So funny. And I'm like, what the fuck? And then he looks at me like, like pre-fight in the middle of the ring. Oh, no. Like, I don't know what he's about to say.

Like, I regularize who you are. I don't appreciate your material. He makes fun of black people. Yeah, I don't, I don't know what the fuck he's gonna say. So I'm like, uh, yeah. And he goes, that's why I recognize you. And I go, what? And he holds up the DVD that I just gave him.

That's like he was like looking at it. He must have been looking at it. He goes, this is the picture that's on Netflix, which it is. Right, right. The cover of the, of the hard copy is the same one that pops up on Netflix. That's the stupid face, my dad likes. The stupid face. And he goes, that's why I recognize you.

I've seen you on Netflix. And I was like, wow, that's amazing. He's like, yeah, what's your phone number? And I go, what the fuck? And so I give him my phone number and then like we land and I, he gives me like a beat on the chest, like appreciate you. I think it's over. I'm like, that's cool.

Like they're not coming to my fucking show. And then the next day, you know, I mean that night, I think, I think I called Justin and I was like, dude, I fucking ran into Mike Tyson on a plane. Next day I get a text message from him and you know what it says? Where's your show? So I write back the Pittsburgh improv and of course he writes back, where's that? So I Google it, I send it to him.

I find the address, the phone rings and hey, Tom. What the fuck? And I go, what's up champ? What's up champ? And he goes, I will come into your show tonight, brother. Oh my God. And I go, oh shit. I go, that's fucking amazing.

He'll be going to watch you do your work. And I go, I'm honored. And he goes, it's all love. And I know what he means by that, but like I'm also like, I'm trying to think on the spot and I feel pressure because it's like, you know, it's Mike Tyson. And I know the expression it's all love, but it's not something that, I don't know how to say it back.

So I, in like my pressured moment, I just go, I love you. And it's just, there's silence on the phone. And then he goes, good luck at your show. And he hangs up the phone. And then I go, I think I fucked that up. I just told Mike Tyson, I love him on the phone. And then I go to the show. Mike Tyson's at the show.

That's so crazy. Then when I'm, he's, they see, they see him out of my sight, my eye line. No, it's fine. I don't like that. I like to know where people are sitting and for coming to see me. Well, I do know where he's sitting, but like, I can't see him because it's like, there's no light. Oh, okay.

But I figure when I, that he's going to leave, I figure as a celebrity, especially at his level, that what he'll do is like, he came and he'll leave before it's over. And then they'll send me a text like, we really enjoy it. Like funny, funny stuff. It was good seeing you. I finished the show. I walked to the back.

He's sitting right there. He gets up and he like, he bow, like, you know, leans his head down and was like, thank you for having me. And I go, I go, thank you for coming. He goes, you're a trip, man. You're a trip. And then I go, yeah. And I figure like, now they're on their way out.

He goes, let's go to the green room. You're like, awesome. I just, I go like, what? He leads me to the green room. And then he goes, now we in Tom's room. This is Tom's castle right now. That's what he said. And he said, this is it, huh?

And he knew all, I mean, it was funny. He knew so much about, he's probably been in a thousand green rooms. He's like, there a window in here? I go, no, he's like, yeah, windows is like when you made it. When you really made it, you got a window in your green room. You the fucking man, if you got a window in your green room. He knew that shit's so down. And we just hung out and we talked about fights and just life and just bullshitted.

Mike Tyson and his like little crew is entourage. And then, um, then of course, like the finally one of the staff came, the managers was like, Hey, like everybody's gone now. So I go, okay. So we walk out of the green room into the showroom and he meant all the, the audience had left. But you know where the staff was lined up at the, at the green room door. Of course.

And I was like, oh, you guys want to take a picture with me? Okay. Just line up. And there everybody was like, could you please move? And of course, and Mike graciously took photos with everybody. He's so, that's so nice that he's like that. You wouldn't, I wouldn't, I would never, I would probably be so annoyed if I were him with people. Yeah.

Yeah. He's like, that's really cool. He's really cool, man. It was, it was, you know, it's one of those things I'll, I don't know if I'll ever run into him or, or those guys again, but it's one of those things that'll stay with me for the rest of my life is the time I was on a plane and the heavyweight former heavyweight champion of the world. I started talking to him and then he came to my show the next day after he fucking called me.

So crazy dude. Yeah. It really blew my mind. And it's such a testament to the power of like the internet. It's so crazy. He knew who you were based on like Netflix. Netflix. What a wonderful.

I know. It's so crazy. And I was there today and I didn't even get to tell them that story. I wanted to, but it was like in a rush. I wasn't, I was at Netflix and I was all excited to tell them the story, but everybody was like scattered and rushed. Well, we love your story. We heard your story and we like it.

We believe of you. Thank you. I like your story. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. What? I was going to say we should invite him over for like barbecue.

Mike Tyson. Okay. Next time you talk to him, just say we barbecue and I would love to have you over. That's all I'm saying. I'll mention it to him. Okay. But go ahead. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Seriously. Seriously. Seriously. Seriously. Oh my God.

You take your talking scissors. Oh my God. These are putty fucking monkey hands. Seriously. Cut the box open. Cut a hole in it and pour it in a goddamn bottle. Oh my God. Seriously.

It's been a while. It's been a long time. What's happening? She's fired up about some shit. Maria's. It's really weird, huh? Yeah. Maria's not really like that.

She's pretty, she's always meditating. 00:47:10,000 --> 00:47:10,640 Kind of saying. I got a text message from her a couple days ago. Said like, I have to tell you this fucking story about what happened to me. And when I saw it, like I got that like excitement of like, oh, like if she's telling me, call me. I got a, I got a call because she's saying like I'm pissed off about something. Right.

I almost wish I had been home so I could have called from here sooner. What I did was on purpose. I didn't call her for a couple days because I knew I wouldn't be able to record it. So that's why. Smart. Yeah. I called her today. I was like, oh, I'm sorry.

I haven't been able to talk to you. But since she texted me, like you got to hear the story that I just, I called her. Okay. So what is the story that I need to hear? Okay. So we went, you know, we had to have Farrakhan on Saturday. So we went up with another. She's what?

Louis Farrakhan on Saturday? Okay. Should we start playing what the hell did Maria say? What the fuck is she saying? Yeah. I, I, um, I picked up on the fact that people wouldn't understand it. So I repeat it. Okay.

A half marathon. And so we went. Yeah. I have that comes up in the vineyard. So it's like this hill. Nothing. Oh, sorry. Hold on.

After dinner, she ran a half marathon after dinner. You'd be over two right now. What? Up in the vineyards. It was in these hills. I've never, if you hadn't translated, I have no fucking idea what she's saying. I don't think anybody does, but that's Maria.

I've never run one, let alone 13 miles of hills. So we went up with another couple and we're like, we're like, we're gonna have to dinner Friday night. And I've been decided to go early because, you know, when I can poop before we run. I'm sorry. You have to sleep and poop before you run. Right.

Gotcha. So she wanted to have dinner early so she could poop before she runs. Which is smart. Yes. Yeah. I'm okay. I don't do it because I'm dirty. I don't eat anything.

I just go like 6.30 to make sure I shit before I run. It's early enough in the morning. You want to make sure you shit before you run? Yeah. I want to poop in the hotel before I start running. Oh, right. So I always poop at 7.30 and the race starts at 7.30. Gotcha.

I need to schedule my dinner early enough so I can shit beforehand. So let's go at 6.30. So we all get to, we have to go at 6.30. And we sit down and 10 minutes go by. I'm getting even gotten a glass of water or nothing. Are you following so far? They sit down. They haven't gotten a glass of water or nothing.

Yeah. 6.30, they sit down. We're at like a hostess person. And the guy comes down and he's completely like, complete, but just like an airhead, like, hey, surfer, hey, I'm too sorry. I'm a Mexican version of him. A masquerade ball is Zerman.

So the guy's an airhead, like surfer dude, but he's Mexican too. I did not hear that at all. Yeah. I heard a masquerade ball. Yeah. He's Mexican. He's Mexican and a surfer. And an airhead in Michigan.

Okay. Jesus Christ. He surfs a lot. Yeah. He's Mexican? Is that what you said? Yeah, Mexican, but some total Mexican, but airhead. This is completely space cadet,

working in an Indian restaurant of all places. Okay. Which is, by the way, voted like the top five Indian restaurants. Hold on. Hold on. Let me ask you something. If you're going to run a half marathon and you're going to want to wake up at 6.30 in the morning,

is Indian food the food you eat before you run a marathon? Is that really a good wise decision? Yeah. You're eating Indian food, which is guaranteed diarrhea. I feel like it's a smart decision. Yes. Okay. Yeah.

That's the thing to do. Okay. That or Mexican? One of the two. Yeah. So for the moment, we have this like airhead Mexican working there. Okay. So we go away and we're like, can we just put in a drink order

and an appetizer order and then we'll order after? Oh, wait. No, it's okay. Why don't you just go get the truck? Huh? Go get the truck? Weston's driving the truck? You put in an appetizer and like 20 minutes later,

the appetizer comes back. And then I ask the guy what's in the sauce. I'm like, I just want to make sure there's a dairy and he's like, no, it's, you know, I think they put like spices and a bunch of stuff in there. You're going to say what's going on there? He's putting in spices and a bunch of stuff. Come on. No, no, look at me.

Come on. Come on. What are you doing? I'm checking on something. Why? It's important for us. Go ahead. So she got a sauce.

Yeah. And she's saying, what's in the sauce? Because she wants to know, make sure there's no dairy and the guy goes, now there's a bunch of stuff in there. Of course it's Indian food. Indian food, just a bunch of slop and a pot. Well, she wants to know specifics. Good luck.

Look, I know what it is. They don't even know. Like, I'm going to make sure it's, you know, I'll get some of the meat and a bit, no dairy in it and I like to learn how to make it. She comes back five minutes later. Oh yeah, I just thought they put like festivals and then they cook it and they mix it with stuff. And then they blend it. I'm like, so that's stuff you have.

It's stuff mixed with vegetables and spices. That's all you have to do. Well, they cook it and then it's not cold. The guy literally tells her that there's stuff in there. Yeah. She's asking for the ingredients and he goes, there's a bunch of stuff and they blend it. It's Indian food. They don't even know what's in it themselves.

Okay. It's just Indian food. Okay. Cold and they serve it. I'm like, so exactly, and they just repeat it's ingredients. It's cooked stuff, then it gets cold and then they mix and they blend it. But yeah, that's pretty much it. I'm like, thank you.

It's very specific. So I'm like, we decided to order entree. I'm like, what's the answer? You know, I order this tandoori stamp and it comes with a vegetable of the day and like, I'm like, what's the vegetable of the day? What the fuck is that? I don't know. Do you hear that noise?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that was less than yelling at a jet. Gee, a jet flew by. Yeah. Also, there's one coming in like five minutes. You'll see another jet. So then I'm like, what's the vegetable of the day?

He says, oh, that's today's vegetable. I'm like, I got that much because you know what it is. Sometimes it's potatoes, sometimes it's like peppers. Like, do you know which one it is today? So he goes and finds out, comes back, it's mixed peppers. I'm like, great, perfect. Yes, four minutes. And I kind of get an extra side of that.

Very good. Three minutes left and another jet comes. I'm gonna kind of get another side of the vegetable. And can I also get an extra side of the hot green chili sauce? Like, an extra burst of it. Are you understanding what's going on? Yeah, I kind of, this is Maria problems. You know what I'm like, I tune out because I'm like,

I was talking about mini blinds, side of vegetables. Yeah, she's asking for extras of everything. She wants a side, she wants vegetable of the day, extra peppers, and then the sauce. She wants extra of that too. Yeah, I'm all right. So finally, our dinner comes. Really, first 40 minutes go by.

And then we still got our meal. And people have come after us or eaten your meals. People are getting up, hang through the bill. It is now 8.15. We got there at 6.30. I was like, where the fuck is on me? Like, at this point, I get up and I go to the kitchen. I'm like, we ordered at 6.30, maybe 6.45 we ordered

because we put an appetizer order in first. I'm like, this is absurd. The guy's like, I'm so sorry. Hey, I'm just a messenger. I don't make the food. I'm like, you're a really bad messenger because I thought you delivered me nothing. The only message you've given me is they make stuff this hot

and then it's cold and they blend it. That's the only message I've gotten from you so far. You've not given me a single answer. How about getting our food? So he goes and gets our dishes and forgets one of them. Goes back to the other one. I'm like, I ordered a side of vegetables. I said, and these are green beans.

Yeah, we're out of the other stuff. I'm like, can I get an extra side of green beans? Then I get the hot sauce. Because there's a little sauce in your plate there. I'm like, I know, but I asked for extra. Can I please have it? I think people are doing it. So now 10 minutes go by.

Everyone's eating. I'm like, so I just got to go to the kitchen. I'm like, may I please get a side of vegetables I ordered inside of sauce? He says, oh, we're out of vegetables. He said, but I still have green beans left. I'm like, great, I'll take them. So he comes back to the table and he gets me the sauce.

And they said, oh, she's got extra green beans. She's not eating hers. So he didn't bring me my green beans because he said I didn't want to eat since like containing in a dinner wasn't eating her green beans on the table. So he did not. Now it's three out.

It was one thing after the other. And at this point, I'm like, I just, I didn't say anything. I'm like, because I can't believe that someone this dumb exists and is actually working in this restaurant. Wow. And that was a dinner. Yeah.

So we got out there like at 9.30. Well, more importantly, how was your poop the next day? By the grace of God, I shit like right before we left. We all had a poop and we get late to the race. Actually we're in traffic, we're in the traffic. We are still three miles away and the race starts. Like we're watching the runners go by and we all have to go to the bathroom.

Like we're in the car for over an hour and it's only 20 minutes away. We get there and we go running past like the start line, go run to the party parties and ask the people, if we can please, we're waiting, if we can please go and then take off and just catch up. Oh my God. So I did take a nice, a really nice perfect.

It was a perfect, perfect, solid, easy shit. I mean, it was like perfect, perfect shit. I mean, I got it right out in time. 640. And then you did well in your race? I did really well. Yeah, I did really well. I didn't like, you know, I would have preferred to have

different starting conditions. Obviously not jumping out of a car, running to relieve my bladder and then quickly running across the start line and not like stretching or just, you know, getting a warm up or anything in. So what time did you show? But the races. I shit at 640, which is, you know,

right when I had my appetizer. Exactly. So, so 12 hours, 12 hours. Yeah, 11 to 12 hours. I usually eat dinner around eight to 30 and I shit at 730 every morning. It was 11 hours exactly. And then what time, what time did you start running?

The race started at 730. We started at 745. What? Yeah, because we started late. We got there late. So you started the race late? We started the race late, yeah. And you came in, how many people ran?

I have no idea. A couple of big thousands. I have no idea. What place did you come into, you know? I think in my age group, I did 11. And then I think 92 or maybe in the top 92. Wow. And then how far?

It went pretty well. 13 and a half miles? 13.1. Did you train for that? Did you train for it, leading up to it? I do. I'm a coach and a run coach. You're a run coach?

I had no idea she was a run coach. Yeah, she was a maniac with fitness. I know, I had really no clue. I'm a run coach at lifetime, didn't I? Yeah. I had no idea. Okay, that's great. I bet you are a motherfucker to deal with though.

I do, well, I do the cross training. On Thursdays, I do the dawn patrol. So a running circuit we do is cross training. What's your coach style? Are you like, come on or are you super positive and clapping? What do you do? Oh my God, super positive and encouraging. But different people, I'm modified depending on people.

I'm always positive and upbeat and make it fun. I'm not mean and brutal, but I'm definitely encouraging. Never encouraging. This is not, these people are not the type of people that need it. I could beat down. Yeah. I think make it fun and encouraging. Making it fun is definitely my style.

So have you had any other occurrences of anger lately with any public service people or customer service? Oh my God. No, but Jack totally did. He was exploding like the tech DC and LTC at Starbucks in New York. He texted me this morning. He had to lose his mind. Now he literally about to lose his mind.

He's going off on Starbucks? Yeah. He was texting me, but I was like, he's like the DC and the LTC, he's a friend up to New York. They're everywhere. He was losing his shit this morning because he ordered two drinks at Starbucks and they were incapable of figuring out how they ordered,

he ordered two of the exact same drink and they charged them separately at different prices for each one. And he's like, it's a latte and extra shot and a venti cup. Nice. Like that, that's out of the heart. And why do you want one of them was like a seven something and the other one was like $6. Like they're completely different and they're the exact same drink

and they could not figure out how to bring up the two. I mean, it was ridiculous. And then they had to avoid them out and then re-target them. And it took them like 20 minutes basically to get two drinks and pay for them. Jesus. Well, I feel like there's two groups that need to fear the two of you, Starbucks employees and then Mexican servers

that work at Indian restaurants. Are you ready for it, by the way? This is what we've been holding on for this whole time. Are you ready for it? Here it is. Yeah, I just don't get it. I'm sure there's some great Mexican readers out there, but this one in particular was definitely missing,

like part of his brain. Or these one of those kids, you know, were probably like dropped in like the ghetto, like Pijuana or like somewhere near there and was malnourished and probably like kicked by his dad. And now he's grown up and it's like part of like the frontal area, you know, the damage. Sometimes he becomes schizophrenic and psychotic. Sometimes he becomes really dumb.

And he definitely is one of those people really dumb. And he's managed to get a job somehow. So whoever owns that restaurant can be that bright because they hire your stupidity. Oh, shit, Maria. That's amazing. Wow. That was very specific.

Her, her Mexican rent. Get out areas like Tijuana and fucking anyways, frontal lobe damage, schizophrenic or the fucking dumb. Really specific. Speaking of stress out. Yeah. I need a Valium after that gang areas. We got this phenomenal.

Oh, well, yes, someone someone was watching you talk in our old neighborhood, and they just sent a video in of you talking. Oh, they had like just recorded me. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty neat. Okay. The other thing when a fucking stupid cops

have me handcuffed your data fucking idiots like an LAPD or a bunch of fun. Idiots. They're interviewing me on the street. This is your old 18th street. Yeah. Then drinking a tecate out of a brown bag. And the thing is, like these people,

it's funny they get really pissed off that there's a camera and Mike there, but they're not on camera. But when they get involved, they be they get on camera. You know what I mean? Like they're not on camera and they're yelling at the camera guys

to get out of there. Then the camera guy puts the camera on them and they go, don't fucking put me on camera. Right. Well, it's almost like the move to make when you want to get on camera. I think the problem is drunk when you're everyone's drunk.

Yeah. So when you're drunk, you're you're like, Oh, fucking being video. Damn, don't fucking tell me. Man, she didn't talk like that. She talks a little different. Don't tape me, bro. I could use audio of her for some game.

I'm not sure what we would call it. But this morning I was kicking back with the guys from Temple Street, Diamond Street. Bosh. She's kicking back. Right now. The guys from Temple Street,

Diamond Street. Ain't nothing funny. Take this shit somewhere else. You ain't paying nobody nothing and take a picture of them. Undercover. You got a boom. You know, that's the thing.

So this is the people's voice. You understand what's going on? She's really upset about the fact there's a camera. Don't turn that motherfucker towards. Don't turn, don't turn, don't not. Just talk to me. I don't like your job.

Yeah, you're going to tell me. I don't even have. I'm too damn old to have a boyfriend. That's right. Yeah, you got that shit, right? So when you open your mouth and talk, be sure. What are you going to do, homie?

What are you going to do? He ain't going to do shit. But be sure when you open your mouth. He ain't going to do shit. Okay, this is a. And flap his mouth. You know, they're so drunk. Yeah.

Everyone's drunk in this conversation. Yep. But weed is the problem in America. That's what homies do. Everyone wants to go after weed. And this is how drunk people interact. And they're out in public. It's just standing on the street corner.

Yeah, it keeps going. There's a lot of. Bro, this is our old neighborhood. Just, you know. Yeah. And just so you know, I found something here that is exactly what I was talking to you about the other day. I'm going to play it for you in a second.

All right. Because we were having this conversation. You bet. You know what? Get your camera away. Get your camera. Come on, both of y'all. Get going.

Get going. Now we're talking to them. Get it going. Oh, fuck you. Now. Oh, fuck you. Oh, come on. Go ahead.

01:04:04,800 --> 01:04:05,440 Go ahead. 01:04:05,440 --> 01:04:05,920 Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead.

01:04:08,240 --> 01:04:09,120 I'll make you eat. I'll break it next time. Take it away from me. Um, so remember I was telling you about like what's considered the east side? Check it out in the west side. And I was like, how it's so different from your gangbangers. Different.

And your gangbangers different. Check this shit out. Anybody that says f-u-c-k, um, fuck 18th street, I get dumb, brother. I got a theater for them right here. Love. Hey, period. Honest between us. Honest.

I don't like cops. Son puercos animales. This is the other clip. Sorry. This is the other clip, but he doesn't like cops. L-E-P-D. Sure. The bunch of idiots.

Puercos. That's right. Somebody walks by. He goes, fuck the police. He goes, that's right. All right. Now this is the part. Originals right here.

Toy boxer. You're in the west side right here. All these people come over here and stay right here. Hey, you know what? We're from South Central. Fuck that. You're in the west side. You know where he is?

Rampart division. Yeah. Yeah. But isn't that interesting? Yes. That's the west side. Yes. So that like the guy that I met that I told you about,

and he was like, yeah, from the west side. And he said like, kind of like, it was like this, this area. I was like, huh, what are you talking about the west side? But for them it is for gangbangers. Because it's west Los Angeles. West proper Los Angeles. Right. Los Angeles is basically the city of LA is like downtown in that area.

That's LA. So when you say west, I'm from the west side, you're from the west side of that. Right. They don't consider. Downtown LA is considered LA to them. Right. Whereas the rest of us consider west LA.

Is west of the 405. West Hollywood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So funny. Well, because they also see the world according to streets. You know, like 18th Street gang, they have a hood that's like a grid of the city, these few streets, that that's the whole world is a few streets. But when he said that, I was like, oh, this is exactly what I was talking to you about.

When he said that, when you said this, when they were interviewing you. But I was pretty drunk. I usually don't drink that much during the day, but this day I was drinking a lot during the day. Yeah. What were you? He's pounded. I'm excuse me.

I'm pounding tecate out of my brown bag. I think this is my fourth or fifth. Out of my brown bag. Holy, we were kicking it. I forgot kicking it. The original. That's another whole LA homey thing. Yeah.

We were kicking it home. Palabra. That's fucked up about the mirror. What they did. La Mara did that shit. And man, it's the mirror. That's that's crazy sight right there. Oh, since 19, what?

77. He was in the gang since 77. Of course. That guy's an old school gangbanger. But he doesn't seem old enough to be doing it that long. Shit. Shit. I got jumped in by three people by 18, 18 seconds.

They always have cool like little things like that. Like they jumped me for 18 seconds to be in the 18th street gang. He was born on the 18th also. It's called branding. Yeah. That's how you do it. Well, we branded our gang. Those are things I can't talk about.

Murders. Don't talk about it. Then I committed. Of course. Who? Rockwood. Smoky. Bitches.

Rockwood. In the penitentiary. Nah, you can't get it. In the penitentiary? How? Well, you know, we all got fucking tattoo guns and shit. I love the penitentiary and it will give me six months in jail right now. He loves it.

He would love to get six months right now. It's probably why he's been in the gang for so long. He probably served a lot of that time in prison. You know, when you get out and you're like, oh, I guess I'm still in the gang. Well, not only that, you're like life out here is so much harder than inside. Inside he's like, I got my boys. I know how it should operate.

Not my boys. You got your homies. You know what I'm saying? Ese. What's this kind of stuff? I just dropped her down. You know, it's a diamond, you know. Who's this payaso right there?

I'm a homie from San Diego, from Otai. He did it. Did it payaso? Yeah, we're southerners. And one thing about us. And then what about the, that's the droopy right there. Yeah, droopy right there. Droopy.

I miss, I miss going to jail. Yeah. I got, I got three. Three strength. And bringing a juvenile record and everything up. I got arrested for a attempted murder and a police officer. That's never good. That's always bad.

Oh man. He, he just said I miss being in jail. Yeah, I heard it. I mean, yeah, I got it. Can you let us settle in? Trying. He's a lifer. All right.

I'll be 46. Palabra, I'm serious. 46 years old. Chris Dormer, honest, me gapi, my witness. Chris Dormer, I promise you. He'll be my bunkie. I think he repent. I hate cops.

I'll be my bunkie if I go to heaven. I'll be my bunkie. He didn't do nothing wrong. He is hating the way it treats you. Not the way it treats me. You're seeing the other day right there on Six and Bonnie Brake. Six and Bonnie Brake. That's our old hood, bro.

Six and Bonnie Brake. That's literally four lights down from where Christina and I lived. Do you understand we lived in one of the highest crime, worst fucking neighborhoods you can live in, highest fucking crime. It's bad. It's like it was off the charts for carjacking, breaking and entering, and then it was aggravated assault. Aggravated assault was a big one.

Well, and it was all gang related. All the violence was because we were on a crossroads between these guys, 18th Street gang and MS and MS 13. There was a couple murders while we were there, one while I was masturbating in the living room. And I heard it on the street and then Jose, I called him and he goes, well, yeah, somebody just shot somebody in the head on Six. I was like, cool, man.

Just went up and he just shot him in the head. It's like three in the afternoon. Yes. Yeah. So it was a good neighbor. The ghetto birds every night. Remember the helichopters every night? Just old fucking night, dude.

So crazy. That was a rough hood. Remember when we used to drive by? We were like, Bonnie Brake is the baddest. Bonnie Brake, it was apparent that it was bad. Yeah, that's a bad one. Because all the homies would sit out on their stoops. I remember when we first moved there,

I had a Volkswagen. I had the windows murdered out, like all of them. And one time I was just rolling on Bonnie Brake and these Vatos, they were all fucking mad dogging me because they couldn't see that I was like a dopey white girl. Right. They were just like, oh, like they're checking me out. Yeah. I was like, fuck.

So I rolled down my windows like, hi guys. I rolled down the windows because they were looking at me like, who the fuck is this bitch with her tinted? They didn't know. They didn't know who I was. Did you let them get in there? Begging gang bangers? Yeah.

No. Why? Not that time. Not that time. There's another time? Do you remember Jose, our old building manager, and when the one time the sink was plugged up? The water.

This is literally his reasoning. No, the sink was clogged and he goes, the sink is clogged. You see because the tub, the bathtub. Oh wait. Tub is clogged because the water won't go down. You see there's something in there plugging it up. Like, yeah.

Yep. If I unclog it, then all the water will go down. And we're like, yeah. Yeah, bro. But right now it won't go down because it's clogged. It's all plugged up. It's all plugged up. I got all unclogged.

I'm like, well, do you think you could unclog it? I have to get a device and then unclog it. Then the water will go down. And he actually said, he goes, but until I do that, there's going to be water there. Right. That was a wacky, wacky place. And then before him was an old man named Henry

who passed away. And that's how we got Jose. But Henry had about a 12 case, 12 packer liquid lunch. Every day. Every day. And one time are my smoke. This is before you. No, it was, wasn't it Hal?

Hal, not Henry. Hal. So Hal, yeah, he's 12 beers every few hours. Anyway, the smoke detector was going off. It just wouldn't stop or something. So he was too drunk and old to get up on the ladder and pull the thing down. So he's like, just go up there and pull down the thing.

And I'm like taking direction. And I'm like, all right. So I pull off the white part of the smoke detector. And then there's all these wires. And he's like, just cut the wires. And I'm like, are you sure that's a good idea? Because they're live. Yeah, he was drunk.

And he's like, yeah, it's fine. It's fine. Just use these pliers. There's plastic on them. It's fine. Well, guess what, kids? You can't cut live wires. It sparked.

And it was like the mass of the spark. And there was like a black stain on the fucking wall. And I immediately ran down that ladder, boy. That's the last time I cut a fucking bottle. I remember he was like, I shouldn't. I'm sorry. Liquid lunch today. Yeah.

Sorry. Like, oh, sorry. You could have killed me, bro. Sorry. Sorry, I say. Book. And he's some of that girl out there. And so the cause of the wires, she died.

Unbelievable. He likes beer. He likes beer. Oddly enough, I will say the neighbors in that building were more civilized. The nicest. Then some neighbors we might have in nicer neighborhoods. I remember it.

Certainly the nicer than the ones we had in the next two neighborhoods. Yeah. Interesting, huh? How that goes. Remember when our car insurance, when we moved out of that neighborhood, went down like $300 a month? Yeah, bro.

I was like, are you sure? And they're like, yeah, you're leaving a really bad neighborhood and you're going to a better one. Now, when I moved in there, I would look at the LAPD crime maps, like just to see what's going on. And it would be fucking lit up. Our five block radius would just lit up with ag assault, like you said, a couple of rapes here and there.

A couple of murders. Murders, yeah. Well, we could see MacArthur Park. I mean, yes. Carther Park was pretty famous as like where to score. That's also where they film with needles. They film training day there. Remember that little film?

Yeah, that was a fun, fun time. That's our neighborhood, man. That's what's called featuring as a comedian, when you're a feature comic. Rampart. We definitely should have rented somewhere else though, right? What happened was that place came. I had lived in a really crazy place in Silver Lake

up that Stair Street. It was like 150 steps. What the fuck were you thinking though? What I was thinking was I needed a break from society. That was my Ralph Waldo Emerson house. Not that one. So what happened was I went on vacation with my dad to Dominican Republic.

I come back and the grapefruit that I had left out had been half eaten. And there were bites taken out of shit. Right. And apparently we had a little rat problem. Mices, mises, rats. Yeah. And I told the landlady, I'm like, dude, this is not cool.

And she just didn't answer. She didn't respond. And I was like, I'm out of here, bro. So that was like the first place I could find as quick as I could find it basically. And it was a night, but it was, we had the top corner unit in the ghetto. So it was safe.

It was actually safe. Nothing bad ever happened to us. Thank God. But just the neighborhood was. That's what I'm saying. No, why didn't you pick a different neighborhood? Because I was a single girl at the time. I was.

Right. But it was too expensive to live alone in Silver Lake. It was too expensive. No, but I'm not saying Silver Lake. A different, like you picked the worst neighborhood. I know. Well, part of me was a little more urban back then, a little grittier.

But it was too expensive. Like I wanted to stay on the east side. I wanted to stay Silver Lake Echo Park. Yeah. But she was too expensive. So that was like the cheapest neighborhood for the most value. It's crazy.

Like I got that. It was a big space for me. It was had AC. The memory had like 15 foot high ceilings. I remember one of my favorite things was that. Two parking spots. It was it was good. Tandem parking.

I remember when the AC stopped working one time and like somewhere I was like, Jose, you got to come up here, man. This is bad. And it's like just hot air. It's boiling and he goes, yeah, I got to call the coolant guy. And I go, okay.

He goes, he's not around till Wednesday. It was like Sunday and I go, call somebody else. He's like, nah, he's my guy. Right. So with the wait till Wednesday? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. That's my favorite. Again, the guy's busy till next week. Well, there's other guys. Yeah. I call another guy. Nah, that's the guy that I call though. If I call another guy,

then it won't be the guy that I normally call. It would be a different guy. Right. Remember, did he borrow like your suit hanger or something here? Garment bag. He goes, Tom. Yeah.

He goes, you got a suit bag? And I go, what? He goes, a suit bag. And I go, what's that? I don't know what you're talking about. He goes, like a bag. You put a suit in. And I go, oh, a garment bag.

And he goes, yeah, a suit bag. Like he won't even take the new word into his vocabulary. Yeah. I got a suit bag. Go borrow it. You got to go to a wedding. I wear a suit.

And yeah, I'll get you. You can borrow my suit bag. He was the nicest. He and his wife, Linda, were the nicest people. And I remember one time I went down to their apartment to ask for something. And I got to like, you know, when you get

to peek inside other people's apartments and see how they live. Now you and I were hoarders. Okay. Let's be honest. We had a one bedroom apartment we were sharing. We had so much dumb crap, which we still do. We have so much dumb crap.

These people had an immaculate space. Yeah. They're the kind of people that the carpet, you could see the lines from it being vacuumed. See, remember her? She was like, oh, I was saying. She's calling them Mario. Oh, Mario.

And I go, what's Mario? She goes, it's a pet name. They loved each other. Mario. You could tell they still fucked a lot. Yes. And she even had like plastic runners, you know, like so that you could walk on certain parts of the carpet.

They're sweet people. One time I went to, we got like frozen treats that you microwave from TJs. Yeah. Like little, you know, that you heat them up. And they're like little hors d'oeuvres. Hors d'oeuvres. And I was like, were you like some?

And she just like. She did the same to me. Yeah. She ate like six of them. I was like, holy shit. You just devoured that. I made spanacopita once from Trader Joe's. Trader's Joe.

And she came over and she, they're fixing something. And she goes, oh, is that spanacopita? And I was like, yeah. She goes, I love spanacopita. You want some? She ate about half of them. Yeah, that's awesome. She was tiny.

Tiny, tiny. So was he. He was a fucking hundred pounds. But no, that huge horse car. He had a hog on him. He had that long hair that you like. Long hair. He had such long hair.

He had like mid back length. Yeah. He was awesome. That mustache. He was Puerto Rican. Total Puerto Rican. Puerto Rican whole thing. The fuck they had me handcuffed.

We're going to have to go back to 18th Street Gang later. We got to get going. We got to also next time do King Ass Ripper. We talked about it at the top. Oh, yeah. We did not follow through. Sorry, guys. Next episode we will catch up with our Lord Ass Ripper.

That's true. We'll catch up some more. Lord of the Rips. Lord of his assholeness. All right. Bye, guys. Bye, meows. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. That's not bad. Not bad at all. Not bad at all.

Not bad at all.