Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 250-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 22, 2014

How's your hook set? BOOM! Make it pop.  Do you know how to pitch a show in Hollywood? We have the insight for you so that you can have a fun, depressing time like we do. There's a big, significant difference between a hard, bloated belly and a soft, hanging gut. We BREAK IT DOWN! You, the little mommy weighs in on the Cargo shorts/D**k Detective debate and we gotta tell you, the Mommy's are split! That's right, the debate continues!!! We got more love for Mike Tyson and we revisit King A** Ripper and his library of artwork (fart work).  Plus Tina's dad (from the 18th Street Gang) talk about how cops are like, F***in bald, man!  

Hey girl can I pee in your butt? Hey there girl your ass couldn't be fatter I'ma put my dick in it and empty my bladder Hey girl can I pee in your butt? This is stupid Hey girl can I pee in your butt? This is really fucking stupid Jesus Christ Met this girl at the pub she was hard to miss

I said hey girl can I fill your ass with piss? Okay Hey girl can I pee in your butt? Oh boy Hey girl can I pee in your butt? I gotta say I thought it was really good I think that's the stupidest one we've ever played It's not even a submitted song to us

I know it's not you know how I know it's not submitted Because our listeners are not that dumb Wow Our listeners are smart people who would never make something so stupid I'm really offended by that When our listeners make silly songs they're actually so smart when you think about them and deconstruct them I mean who's peeing in people's butts and vaginas? Well that was an expression that my roommate would set in college

Yeah About girls he found attractive He would say yeah I'd pee in her butt Like that was his way of saying So it actually to me was nostalgia you know I was like Right My heart goes back to your stupid roommate My roommate saying I'd pee in her butt

Yeah Or you'd be like you know Were there girls there yeah would you pee in their butt Like that was his expression for that Yeah I enjoyed it I always enjoyed it Would you pee in my butt? Yeah of course I do it all the time

No you don't Yeah sure I do It's interesting I would fart in your mouth Does that count? Alright Philadelphia I am in You didn't answer the question I'm at Helium Comedy Club tonight And tomorrow please come out and see me

Bring a friend let's make it good times Be fun shows and then next week I will be Let's make it fun Yeah Let's have good times That's for real That's real shit

You're cute I just like you have I mentioned that I like you I like you too Don't turn it up over that I love you you dumb shit I love you too Jeanne Silly silver bearded devil I love you too

You silly gorilla Next week I go to one of my favorite comedy clubs in the country It's Comedy Works in Denver Colorado And we're going to the downtown club It's only a few shows It's only five shows And a big earn Andy Erickson is coming with me

I'm coming with you just to hang out I know I'm not performing I'm just keeping the jeans company You're coming with me I'm gonna fold your jeans every night I got a surprise for you for that trip You do Yeah it'll be fun

You don't know I know And then let's see So please come out Denver to my downtown shows And then mom You know what I'm saying Listen up mommy I am

I'm going to Hong Kong and Singapore And Macau China Macau Going into September Jeanne and I do one show only September 18th at the Fart Lauderdale Improv In Hollywood, Florida The Seaman Hole Hard Rock Casino

It's a Thursday night It's our only South Florida show of the year A few weeks later I'm in Orlando But this is if you're in West Palm If you're in Fort Lauderdale, if you're in Miami Please come down to the show in Fart Lauderdale Now here's some other exciting things that have been added I did add Minneapolis and Phoenix

I also added Oklahoma City For one night And then that's in my run that I'm doing Houston, Dallas, and New Orleans on All tickets TomSegura.com Jeanne's we have some podcasts coming up That are on the road We tell people where they are

Alright this is it Some of you in Sunnyvale were asking Guess what The mommies are coming to Cobbs in San Francisco I'm sorry where? Mobs Manfrindisco You fucked it up

Manfrindisco We're just doing the podcast No stand-up this time around guys We're coming on October 9th 8 p.m. show Get your tickets now Because they go fast We're very popular in that region

Yeah it's gonna be bigger than ever In Manfrindisco this time And where else were you doing shows? Oh me? No the new dates I don't have the ticket links up for that We weren't given those yet Unless you want to say until the links

We can just tell people where What cities we're going to November Okay so we have November 6th We're in Seattle at the High Line And then November 7th PDX

Portland at the Analog And then the 8th of November We're going to Chicago The empty bottle And we're doing it The links will be up shortly for tickets But keep that in the back of your mind Get your jeans ready to be pulled up

And we'll see you there guys I'm excited Any other places or anything else You want to plug? Plug your butthole October 2nd through 5th I'm at the Cincinnati Funny Bone You are?

October? Yeah 2 through 5 That's what's up Yeah you know September I'm staying home and working on other things Like In case you didn't know Guys it's finally here

I am officially launching The That's Deep Bro Podcast And I thought what better time To launch it when we are depriving The jeans of one of their episodes So the week that Tommy is going to be In Hong Kong

I'm going to start it so September 8th It's going to drop on Mondays We're going to start That's Deep Bro We're doing philosophy for dummies Essentially Cocktail party level philosophy It's serious questions with silly people I like it a lot

It's really fun We have Greg Fitzsimmons as a guest We have Jenny Pentland One of my dear childhood friends We got Ryan Sickler We got the Full Charge It's going to be, it's huge It's awesome

It's going to be fun It's more serious in this show guys So don't, it's different in tone Different in tone Talking like you know Deep shit That's deep bro That's deep

So get your weed on Get your drink on And go listen to that So September 8th guys Mark your calendars Peep this You ready to do this? I'm so

There's a lot to cover So ready Let's go I mean when I'm out on the river And I'm fishing And when I set my hook People put their frog tags on Because I think a thunderstorm is coming in

Because my hook set is Loudest thunder Fast as lightning Woo You know what I'm saying? Hey I ain't playing no games Ladies and gentlemen The hook set is weird set

What is going on with him? This shit is big time Who is Ryan Sickler? Don't bring anyone loving to this Your mom in the fucking stand Welcome Welcome Welcome to your mom's house

With Tom Segura Tom Sutsu Christina Pajicic Christina Pajicic Welcome to your mom's house Oh no Oh no What's going on?

Ha ha Oh no That was the saddest one I've ever seen Yeah What happened? I got up early today You're tired You'd work to do early today

Yeah It's okay Sometimes the music is It's not in you every day It's not But you know what? You still showed up And you still played

And that's all that matters Yeah I mean I'm here to play the tunes You know I'm here to play the tunes Yeah I'm here to play the tunes I'm here to play the tunes I'm here to play the tunes

I'm here to play the tunes Yeah I'm here to play the tunes You did your You did the best you could, Jean's I went and pitched a television show today How'd it go? It went pretty well

Better than yesterday Was it? Ha ha It's really nice when you Work for months and months Creating a television show And then you go to a meeting And then like

Let's just say for instance An executive is On their iPhone The whole time typing Sometimes pulling up penis pics At a meeting That's really cool That's nice

It's just respectful Behavior I talked to somebody today That said that they Were pitching a show a while ago And they had Four Out of four places

The four places offered them To buy the show Wow And then the fifth place they went to Is where I went yesterday And that they were totally like Dismissive and not interested Maybe that place

Was You know, dopey I should point out that I pitched Two shows yesterday Wow It's a full show business day Full show business day And you did the podcast

Yeah And I'm here today I did two pitches today Oh my gosh And tomorrow there's two But I can't go When are you getting your Hollywood Walk of Fame star?

Just for pitching? Do they give them out for that? For any of that? I just feel like I gave out He pitched a lot of ideas Of course Really? I didn't know they'd do that

Mm-hmm You know, Hollywood men You know, show biz Like that's what's up Show biz is what's up, man I like show business I'm fishing Boom

When I set my hook People put their frog tags on Because I think a thunderstorm Is coming in Because my hook says Boom Loudest thunder Fastest lightning

Woo You know what I'm saying I ain't playing no games Ladies and gentlemen He drives a big time You know what I'm saying A big time one How did you

Did someone send you this? Yes, this was submitted By a listener For you know what I'm saying Or just for his Nuttiness For what a lunatic What's going on here

This guy loves his Can you describe the gentleman? Yeah, he is wearing Cacky shorts There's some type of like bandana Hanging from the belt loop He has what appears to be Brown slip-on like loafers

Yeah So it's a very dad kind of gear Where it's like Yes Dad's office shoes But with his casual, you know It's like casual Friday dad Yeah, then he has on a great T-shirt

He has an absolutely enormous Soft belly I like to make a distinction Between hard bellies and soft bellies You do And you're very good at pointing out Just visually Who's got what

Oh yeah I mean the hard, distended, bloated belly Usually accompanies kidney problems Alcohol abuse You know, there's different things That lead to that Bloated, distended, hard stomach Swollen

It's like Yes There appears to be a pregnancy A bowling ball In the man Yeah, it's a bowling ball look This man does not have that at all He has the very, very large

Loose hanging gut That hangs Like if you You'd have to use both hands To lift it to see where the Like say if you had a belt on Where the belt is That's how

He has the full flab around That's a lot of bad food Probably a very, very poor diet Fat, high sugar diet Yeah Doesn't do a lot of moving It's really bad His gut is just enormous

Now Santa Claus Is that a hard booze belly Or is that a jiggles Oh, you're a big booze bag Santa's a booze bag Yeah That's what I thought Yeah, he's up there in the cold

You just get fucking hammered every day I know That's what they do Yeah What else can you do Let's listen to this guy talk some shit You want to talk some shit Let's do it

The hook set is weird set But it just comes natural Like I'm pretty sure that He's winded Before long I'm going to be able to fly Because I'm starting to develop wings

It's the craziest thing in the world But as I get older And more mature And I start to learn things about my body These right here Let me show y'all You see that right there That's wings

I'm positive that's wings If I flap it Sometimes I feel like I'm going to come up off the ground He has the interesting body type though Where it's almost like His gut doesn't match His other body parts

Like what wings are he referring to To the under His arms The under flap I have that I have that Yeah he calls that his wings You know what I mean though

Like his legs aren't as fat And his arms aren't as fat But he just has like Humongous stomach Yeah I'm just on a different level Than a lot of people But you know back to the hook set

They boom Goes a dynamite Boom Goes a dynamite I just I take it back to You know the kumatage I used to fight kumatage

You know the martial art Background just comes into this Sometimes when I'm on the front Of that deck Boom Goes a dynamite I want to Get so excited right now

I'm just having flashback So High kick He's kicking He just did kicking And he did a turn Yeah But I don't

I just restate myself sometimes Lose like that To get me in trouble these days So I just try to implement that Into my Into my Boom

Into my dynamite Into my hook sets And I just Don't want to bring that And let that tiger out of the cage You know I gotta I gotta keep it in there He's talking about fishing

Right Like it starts as a hook I don't know what his hook sets are He's selling hooks And then he goes into kung fu moves And then Here's the first comment On his video

Weird You're looking to die In five years Lose the extra hundred pounds Please Be good at fishing And we need folks like you But someone's taking a van

They're gonna kill you bud Yeah Poor baby And he writes Do you have a crystal ball So he has like a little Good sense of humor Yeah

Then someone writes This video makes me sad And he wrote to them I know me too Jesus I know me too That's funny That's good

Oh man Interesting Speaking of dads I've noticed the dads I was watching dads On the airplane the other day Yeah Have you noticed how dads

Don't know how to text On iPhones Like dads peck With their indexing Absolutely Yeah Because you know why Why

Because they didn't learn To write to correctly text Yeah For like We had it at a certain age In our lives So you can still learn the behavior Like the

You know what I mean But if you first Are starting to learn something At 50 Yeah forget it It's over man Well like my dad's got Real short chubby digits

And mechanical Mechanic hands Well my dad's You know he's been a mechanic For sure He can fix anything Like he's so smart that way And I watch him

Touch his iPhone And it's like See if you see what I'm doing Like He doesn't even peck it With the tip of his finger He like Mashes his chubby

Entire index finger Does he write out long messages Probably not right Or is it short messages No because it takes him an hour Right So he touches like With the whole top

Of his fingertip Like he's pecking it They don't do the thumbs Cannot Well his thumbs are chubby In short He doesn't have dexterous Thumbs

I write like a fucking I write novels on it Me too Bro but so my iPhone Bro what My iPhone took a major shit This past week And we went to the store

I'm gonna hold off for a month Until the new galaxy comes out And the new iPhone comes out But bro I got really excited when you showed me That note You like that And it comes with a pen bro

Dog I know Player I'm saying Player I'm saying I talked to a few other people This week too Then one guy had the new Or the most recent LG phone He was like

This is a bad motherfucker The only argument I get Really I mean iPhones are great On their own You know it's not like A piece of shit or anything It's a good piece of equipment

But the only thing is Where like You have a bunch of Apple stuff Yeah I know That's the real I think Strong argument To stick with it Is just having

Apple stuff Cause we're so far embedded in it Yeah Do that pickup Do you guys hear that fart I don't think they do You've been farting a lot Yeah cause we have Max

We have the phones We're gonna have to fucking Do all that shit Cause my buddy And then another guy got Let's see yesterday What did he have He has a

Nightmare He has a Samsung But then he has A PC laptop Like they're compatible Right so He doesn't have I see

You're saying And then Other player that was At the meeting has Nokia phone A big screen And he loves it now He dropped his iPhone

In the water And Nokia sent him one Okay And then now He's like I'm starting to like it More and more every day Dude bro

I know The problem I think you eventually adapt Just whatever you have Here's what I don't want I'm fucking 38 My learning curve On technology

Is a little bit slower You know what I'm saying Yeah I ain't got time For a new fucking system Yeah I hear what you're saying And here's the problem

With my iPhone Is that It fucked up all my contacts Somehow I've lost The last ten years of contacts But I got a new battery in it For 80 bucks And they fixed the

Sleep button That was broken too I've been using to work around So the phone's good It's back It's more or less back More or less But I'm gonna wait

For the new iPhone To come out And then we'll see What the fuck is up There's a rumor That there are two new iPhones Coming out Yeah the rumor

Is that Okay The rumor is that There'll be a standard new iPhone Yeah And then to compete With that big screen phone That smart phone

That all these other companies Are doing That they're gonna release A second larger Note-like phone I would like a note Here's the thing The functionality on that

Because I like I'm always typing long texts I'm editing documents On the road You know I don't give a fuck About pictures and things Okay

Okay Okay I don't know Listen The heated cargo shorts debate Dude do you not Understand how a show Runs or works

Or anything like that Like that's coming Like it's coming And you don't just Drop it on me like that Like it's gonna come Do we need to do Pre-production meetings

Now for shows The dick detectives Okay Okay That was gonna play And then you go into it You understand Do you understand how this show works yet

250 episodes in I'm sorry I'm sorry You're right I'm sorry I get excited We just covered that I get excited

Hold them up Alright Go ahead Well I'm excited because You know Shit there are a ton of cargo shorts I know The thing is

Is that the debate rage Is on in the mommy community And I'm so surprised How much you guys You feel strongly Listen I'm not You know

There's arguments For either side apparently No You guys have surrounded off They're siding with me Bullshit Here we go George writes

Hey mommies Could not be more right About this dilemma Especially for skinnier dudes Like myself Stopped wearing them For that exact reason Love the show

Keep it up Thank you George Here's another one Cargo shorts This was from Ian He writes Hey mommies Correct

My housemate is a fat guy So naturally He wears nothing but cargo shorts Naturally I like that Maybe it's because He's a large dude Or the quote

Cargo pant bulge But I always assumed He had a big hog But Recently I caught him Coming out of the tub And lo and behold He's packing a peanut

Though he did have Some big old dog nuts There's no doubt in my mind Cargo pant Dick bulge is a real deal Christina takes a win on this one And then Evan writes

Fuck no Tina mommie is way off face about this Tina, Tommy, mommie What's wrong with you? What's wrong with y'all? Cargo shorts have no effect On increasing dick plays And if anything make it look smaller

In comparison Would having pockets of pubes Make it look bigger Fuck no dog That's why we shave from top to taint For the trickery of making our dick bigger Speaking of big old dicks One of my big titted O.C. sugar

The cougar friends is still Fucking Dennis Rodman I have planted the seed For getting her to have him on the show So thank you for that We'll leave your name off of it You got more? Well here's a neat photograph

I tweeted it today It says I think Christina might be on to something Their dicks are practically out And hey there's the physical evidence What do you mean there's shorts? What are you talking about? I'll show you what I mean dog

Okay look here You notice And don't fucking tell me And don't lie Look at the If you look at the What color is that? Cacky colored or camouflage

What's that green? Green All of green military issue Colored cargo shorts Don't fucking tell me That you don't see dick I don't see dick Motherfucker look at it

What you're doing is When you take a still photo And there's like folds Right So you're getting an illusion That you're looking at dick shorts But they're not It's just this still

Is making you think that you're seeing that Oh my god What do you mean oh my god The evidence There is no evidence It's a photograph This is like a catalog photo There's nothing there

Yes it's an illusion And that's the problem Is that the cargo short Gives the illusion that your dick is like Bulgy Because it's got that big zipper thing over it Dude And bro

And also somebody wrote With a G.I. Joe thing I brought up Because G.I. Joe's got a big bulge What about the barrio picture That somebody sent Hold on Let me get to G.I. Joe Listener wrote in

Making a very good point G.I. Joe was wearing parachute pants And those are the ones that give you dicks And I think he's right I think that person That may be the corollary To what we're discussing here Thank you

Now go ahead with your barrio Someone sent a picture of the president We're in cargo shorts on the golf course Subbert Subbert And it says Where's the dick Christina Because

There's nothing There There's nothing there And I love how that guy wrote that In all caps too Like he really wanted to make the message So funny Here's another one from a gentleman named Michael

I think Christina is full of shit And wants an excuse to stare at dude's packages Every chance she gets Guess what buddy I don't think you're wrong Who said that Let me see Matt Michael

Michael, you're 100% right What you have here Is a dick crazy woman Now you're feeling the music Now you're feeling it I guess there's no clear winner at this point This is going to have to continue on for a little while The debate rage is on

It's important I mean, you're out of your fucking mind But yeah, it still goes on Is there anything more important happening in America Than this debate right now? Ferguson? No, not there No

Come on What? What was that? It was just me getting excited about a really important issue This is the most important issue That's what I'm saying How come Anderson Cooper's not covering this story? Today we're focusing on dick shorts

Cargo shorts Do they make your bulge look bigger? I'm keeping them honest By the way, we need to find you a pair of swim trunks Before we go on this cruise Yeah, we can't get dick shorts on the cruise We told our listeners what happened The last time we bought you some pants

Dick shorts and DR Dirty and disgusting Dominicans We were in a nice place We weren't in some fucking hut Some third world hut We were in a nice resort And they have the store That store sold authentic Panama Jack hats

Yeah They were like $180 for the straw Fucking straw hat Yeah, so bullshit like that But then I was like, I need swim trunks I didn't bring enough Yeah I brought one

And I don't know I wanted something else I went in there They had like white board shorts With like a blue design on the side Put them on Just ran out to the water As soon as I start coming out

They are 100% Not like kind of like Oh, I can make out what's in there They're completely see-through and wet So you can see hair, veins, balls, everything I had to have you go get me a towel Thank God there were no children at that resort Jesus

Cause yeah, I saw you come You were like, you flagged me, waved me over You're like, come here, come here, come here You're like, I can't get out of the water I can't get out of the water My dick shorts through the pants And that brought me back And the saddest part is that

The reason we got those is because The original dick shorts The original dick shorts in Miami This is years ago Which weren't see-through What was the problem with those? But they weren't see-through But what was the problem with those?

They were workout shorts And they hugged But they had that component like that That, you know, what's it called? Breathe the right shit It's like, it just hugged the hog Yeah, it hugged them And really showed you what's there

That's different than see-through I know I'm not sure what's worse See-through Yeah, definitely It left nothing to the imagination That's so funny And the messed up part is that

We paid a pretty penny We paid too much We paid the inflated hotel Boutique price I was like, these gotta be great I mean, we paid like $50 Which in, you know, DR Is like a million, whatever

Rupees they have there A million rupees That was really funny It was pretty crazy Oh, yeah What? No, I was just thinking, you know I had a bathing suit malfunction

I was a counselor in training once When I was 13 or 14 I had a Tarzana Park summer camp And I made the mistake Of wearing a two-piece bathing suit Down a water slide My little campers I had like the 12 and 13-year-old boys

And they all went down before me And I came down the slide last I got up, of course my tits were out Back then I had huge sloppers too Wow So it's embarrassing when your junk falls out Yeah, I keep kind of fantasizing I think that if I had like a 10-inch dick

I don't know if I'd be wanting to cover it up I always wondered that You have a real big stinker on you Like, you know, do you pull it out at parties? Like as a gag? Yeah, of course Cause you're like, who's gonna put their mouth on it? See, I think even aside from the

There's the sexual side of it But then there's also the like It's like a gag To have one that big You know what I mean? Like, put their mouth on it is one level of it But there's also like It's like being seven feet tall

Like you do funny shit, right? You put things out of people's reach Like they're just like You're such an anomaly Like you're not the norm Right, right So I think if you had a big ol' stinkin' hog on you Like on that see-through one

I think I'd probably just walk around like Yeah, well look at it, it's huge Yeah, I think you're right I think you would, yeah You'd probably show your family and stuff too Oh yeah, if it was that big I would just like I'd put it out on the breakfast table

And just see if whoever says something first If you had big balls, would you feel the same way? Like, abnormally big balls Yes I don't know I mean, yeah, probably I'd show them You show off whatever it is, I'm sure

I mean, if you had real big ol' fucking pig nuts on you I wish you had ginormous basketball nuts And then just a tiny little peanut Why would you wish that? It would be really funny It would be just funny You'd have to deal with that It would be funny

That's your problem I love you I don't care, I love you You want me to have big basketball nuts And a tiny little peanut there? Maybe for just a week Oh, okay, yeah, because those things are usually like, you know That's just a week, just on the cruise

I want you to show your family No Yeah, I think I would just always be like Oh, you want to see some big black lazy dick? I'll show you some dick Remember that documentary we saw about that guy that has big dick? Yeah He's like this white guy in New York

And there's a documentary about it And he's like, actually, you know, it's been fun It's actually hard to find somebody who will take me seriously in a relationship His is comically large It's not a big one He has an actual elephant trunk in his pants They show him walking down the street in his jeans And you see it

That's a G You see it like mid-thigh, it's gargantuan, it's distraction It's a lot He also said like, you know, underwear, can't find underwear Like special underwear made to like tuck it into to wrap it around He said if he gets like sexually aroused, it's a fucking nightmare Because his thumper just kind of... It's like a snake takes over

It's too much I wonder if there are women with exceptionally deep vaginas Probably There's definitely size queens that are like, that's what they're out for They want big fucking stretched out cooters Maybe not stretched out but deeper Like what if your actual vaginal canal or whatever it was like double the length I don't know

Kind of neat You like that idea? I'd show that off You'd show off your vaginal canal? Yeah Why? Like look at this, it's an x-ray of my vagina An x-ray

So people can really see it It's hard to see it What would you just put it in, you have it in your purse and pull it out? Yes Yes G.I. Joe's wearing parachute pants, it makes sense You're so wrong No, I'm not wrong

Okay, look at the dick I'll make you slap somebody in the face Okay What are we gonna bring up, you're excited I left out because I was just, you know, forgot yesterday That I wanted to make sure I went into the more detail about Mike Tyson Yes I actually told him before he sat down after he came and talked to me about Netflix

That I totally got like, I felt like it was my moment to tell him how awesome he was And I nerded out and I was like, I kept saying, I was like, you know Like you're like a superhero, you were like a superhero to me when I was a kid And I said like, you know, everybody, I go, I cheer for you I feel like a lot of people do because you've made such a transformation And like I just was rambling, I was like stammering and rambling And you could tell that he gets, I think, you know, obviously he gets it a lot So he like kind of like patted me on the shoulder like, it's okay

I know that this is kind of freaking you out right now He did that Aw Which is kind of nice Like I know you're just being retired right now Yeah, yeah, he knew I was like trying to say something, but I was just like running through it You're a superhero and another cheer for you and you're the best Because you transformed in self-awareness

He has such, I love all the, the documentaries, everything that you made That's how I was saying it But he really did overcome such obstacles He doesn't know what his dad is, right? Or he thinks the man that was his dad isn't his dad Mother is a prostitute Mother was a prostitute? He was running the streets

She was a prostitute? Yeah I don't remember that I mean, I'm thinking of Richard Pryor Yeah, that's a different guy Here's Mike Tyson running the streets He was definitely running the streets Yeah

He was definitely in trouble a lot He was arrested like 80 times when he was, at the time he was like 14 I mean, and to turn around after that, beginning in life is almost impossible Yeah You really don't Well then you know, it was like divorces and prison All this shit And winning, you know, coming to the highest level of, you know, fighting in the world

And then losing it, losing all the money after making all the money And people kind of wrote him off as like a crazy person And a savage, you know And then when you hear, like, when you see some of the documentaries that he's been involved in And you just hear him speak now, like, the, I think it's not even just about him It's about humanity You see that, like, if you really put in the work, you go through life And it's about learning about life and about yourself

And having that self-awareness and reflection And I think it's inspiring, you know Wow He just said some really insightful shit Will you go on my other podcast? Possibly, what does it pay? Uh, kisses Jews, Jews

Yeah, you know what's sweet about him is that he, and I think you said this to me after you guys hung out that night Is that he's really, he's a sweet guy Like, he looks like he could kill you But he's actually very sweet And you get that when you watch, he did that one-man show directed by Spike Lee on cable Remember, we watched that And he likes, he's a sucker for love Like everybody, and then, you know, these broads take his money and then, you know

There it goes Yeah There you go You have a few babies with a few broads And there goes the goddamn money So the point of the story is where a condom guys don't have kids with multiple baby moms Really? If you're an athlete

That's the, okay That's the takeaway of the Mike Tyson story, isn't it? No Where a condom? No He doesn't have He's like a million kids What are you talking about?

Does he have several kids? From marriages Let me see, let me look it up I thought he had like a ton of kids He has like five That's a lot of kids From marriage? Your point that doesn't apply to him

Let's see That is not the lesson to be learned from Mike Tyson The lesson of Mike Tyson is eat your dessert after your meal I don't know Yeah, no, that's definitely not right Oh, he's so cute, I'm looking at him Yeah, you're definitely He really is an exceptional human being

Jesus Christ Yeah, he went through a lot Yeah Speaking of, you said in your, you said in your story Hold on, where are these kids? I know he has it Anyway You know, he told him I love you when you hung up the phone with him Yeah

I was talking to Bert Kreischer the other day And I did the same thing Because it was like reflexive I was like, alright, buddy, I love you You know, and he's like, I love you too And he said it back to me And I was like, oh, I love you Because I usually say that to you

He was like giving me advice on something Sure And I was like, oh, I just told Bert I love him It's so weird Yeah, it's weird, sometimes on phone calls you don't know how to end it I've been saying it to a lot more guy friends Yeah Yeah, like alright, buddy

Like alright, love you, pal I love you It's fun, right? Yeah But you're definitely wrong about the lesson I thought, I'm sorry, I thought he had like five or six children Well, he does But it's not the lesson

Through wives, they weren't through baby mamas? No, no, not at all Well, look, my apologies, guys Alright, I'm sorry, Mike, I messed up It's okay, he forgives you He does Do you think he'll come over now that you guys are BFFs? I don't know

Mike, if you're listening, invite you over for a barbecue And you can talk to Tom And I can ask you a million questions about your life I don't think he's listening He might be He might be, but I don't think he is Alright, well, that's getting that out of the way I feel like moving on to something more serious

Okay This was like sort of brought up yesterday And then not really addressed I want to make sure we don't leave something, you know What is it? No tape? No stone unturned No stone unturned And it's because we make promises to you guys

We don't want to go back on those That's important that we keep our word That's true Can you please get up and look at these for a second? Hold on, I'm just making sure Can you please? Oh, yeah, let me look, hold on You gotta see these

These are the ones that he's working on I mean, just look at these Get a real good look at them, though I mean, look at that Stop it He's wearing black socks now Look how many holes there are So many holes and they're so stained and so brown

So You know, we brought you King Ash Ripper We brought him into the world Basically, we're his parents And Tell Tosh steals it He's If he hasn't already

He He basically Is like a teenage son that's sick of his parents Because he won't answer us He won't answer you guys We've all reached out to him And he's like I want to be left alone and make my far videos

I'm farting, leave me alone Well, he doesn't want the spotlight He's like, I'm happy with the level I'm at He's for the level of the game This video is called Rip and Massive Farts Part 4 You know, I've met a number of people That say they stop listening whenever we have him on

Well, those people aren't real mommies What can I say? It is disappointing Why do you fucking You turn it off When the king comes on? No Come on, you're not part of the game

You're not a real listener then You know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying I know what you're saying exactly Who doesn't like King Ash Ripper? Does he have any ones where he does like a scene Like where he's like I'm gonna fart on all these ding-dongs

He, oh, that's a good question I'm gonna take these Susie cakes And fart on them Cause this is Rip and Massive Farts Part 4 Okay I love when he sets up the scene like that The most recent one Let's see

Birthday cake farts It's called God of Gluttony Is what I see Poof, man Those panties are worn down There's so many holes and brownies Oh Uh-oh

He's wearing a really tight shirt So that it's He's put on weight He's definitely sticking true to it Sounds like it God's fucking bloated and stuffed God He's such an animal

He's put on weight, huh? Yeah Is it a hard belly or a soft belly? It's pretty bad It's pretty It's awful See, we can pop it What's he doing?

Oh, shit He's using his He's trying to pop the buttons on the shirt Oh, this is fetish This is definitely fetish It is, yeah I think that's why he hasn't responded to us Is that this has to be some sexual thing

You think so? Pop the button Yeah, cause it's like tantalizing the viewer I think so Hmm Hmm You think he has a girlfriend still? I don't think he has a girlfriend ever

Do you think he's moved out of his parents' house? Hmm I know he was living with his parents Key, by the way, multiple people are now uploading videos of his Oh So if you go on YouTube, more than one person has videos Uploaded of him Oh

There's Oh, the cake rolls one I think this is an old one Oh Oh, I didn't realize There's glutton manners He's doing these videos Okay

Ripping ass and pigging out Is the name of this one Ripping ass and pigging out You know, the East Coast really fosters the best talent And I don't know what that is For stuff like this, like for real personalities It's East Coast all the way Do you think so?

Yeah He's giving a big thumbs up I just wanted to start this big ass glutton video Yeah, it's glutton Can't ask you, we're back here, gassy gainer Hairy ass whipper Growing this massive gut towards 300 pounds He's a real gainer

I think people might pay for this Sexually No, he uploads it though For free Yeah But maybe you can meet him in private And he'll do this for you Fart in your face

Yeah I don't know, man But I think he's mentally ill So that's why I don't think so You think it's just Yeah, I think he just enjoys doing this He loves farting He loves burping

And he loves eating and having food fall all over him He loves it It's a full time job Yeah Today I'm eating a whole lot of chili and beans Like I do every day Here we go Here we go

Which means four chili dogs Which is enough, by the way How many Most people would cut it I can only do Chili dogs One half chili I could do a few chili dogs

Four would definitely be like maxing out though on chili dogs That'll put you down Yeah, that would be it What else are you going to do, buddy? When I got a whole lot more than that I could fucking stuff in this gut So that's just a claim I could do more than that

And two and a half pounds of fucking Hormel chili with beans With beans Fucking two and a half pounds of fucking Hormel chili with beans The big hand which is A pound and a half And the little can, a pound

All in this massive hairy gas tank Geez He really enjoys it though Yeah I think he really just loves doing this But the more right now I've had some Here's the thing I've had some time in distance

And some time to reflect And with distance Now that I hear him again The terms he uses, it sounds fetish Yeah I'm hairy and gross I'm a glutton That's a category of fetish

Feeding I'm going to weigh a certain amount That's part of the feeding community I mean look, I'm no expert in all of this But we've had enough weird shit on this show to know I, um, yeah What do you think? What's your feeling? I don't know, it's hard to say

I feel like, you know We don't really We don't know the truth I mean, it looks like he uploaded, let's see He uploaded that one to his live leak in July So this is only a month old Then there's gross gut stuff and gluttony He's doing a lot of stuffing

Which is more fetishy, I think Right, and the glutton, that word It's like, yeah, that's fetish God damn, they're raw Three more fucking male loaded bacon cheeseburgs Oh my god Number six That's tough to hear, you know

Those are really rough I don't like hearing him eat I only like the farts I'm a purist when it comes to King Ass Ripper I don't want to hear the feeding Just give me the farts Give me what you promised That's what you want

Yeah, I understand Um, yeah, I mean, you know There's also a good amount of Disappointment In that he didn't Didn't get in touch with us Didn't respond, you know It is disappointing

It's rare, you know A lot of times we reach out And people are very responsive And it's just bizarre That he would completely disregard us And we're huge fans of his work We appreciate what he does And, you know, good luck

Um Best to you Let's see This on YouTube is being now Uploaded by Harry and Gross Fan Is uploading it It's fans, it seems like He has an intern

I think he got deleted again That's always the problem Can you sit on my face while you eat Uh huh, there we go Your ass needs a vacation Okay One word, boner See

That part was epic You are such a fat slob And I love it There you go, you're right People have hard-ons for this But that would make sense That's why he doesn't want to get into it with us Maybe he's like, look

This is just my thing, guys, come on Yeah, just let me But we admire him From afar, and that's, you know I guess that's okay too Yeah, I mean, we're watching the show Just enjoying the show He's sharing his talent with the world

And we're here to pick it up Is this you or him? This is not me This is a lady Looks like she's trying to get into Position What the fuck I don't like it

What's happening? I don't like it I just muted it, so you can't hear anything But what's happening? She was spitting on a plate A lot I think she's going to serve you the plate of spit Oh, Jesus

Come on, Tommy, nobody wants to hear that I know You know what your mom's house is about? Farting, burping You know what I'm saying? Denim Don't waste this moment Come closer

Jesus Christ It's like releasing all that air To your face You can make money doing this I so want to God damn it Give up this comedy thing Let's be realistic

How much could I make farting in people's faces? I think a very High amount Guys, if you're interested in me Farting Babe, you can't put that out there What do you mean? Why?

How about if I just send you a fart In a plastic bag Don't ask for that either You can't do that Why not? I just told you What do you mean? Because we're married, is that why?

No, you don't want to Be taking fart requests People really do this That nasty little fart People's got his bone Oops, hiding is chunked Do you really want to provide this service? No

Jesus But, okay, real talk If somebody emailed us And was like, Tom and Christina I will pay you $10,000 For a jar of both of your farts I should be like, nah No one's doing that

What if someone out there really wants No one's doing that It's ridiculous It's ridiculous No, it's not What if Richard Branson listens to the show And he's got a thing for farts To him, $10,000 is like $10

Fine If Richard Branson wants to do it We'll fart for him for $10,000 You gotta put it out there in the universe, Tom But what you're really attracting right now Is somebody who really likes farts Who has $100 It's not the price

Oh my lord She's pushing too hard She's pushing It's not how you do it It's a bullshit fart Not in this house There we go You should teach her a thing or two

Why don't you teach her how to fart? I feel like you could do a seminar on this kind of thing Let's go back to your dad from yesterday What the fuck I do to the cop Nada But see, we got a policy Like in jail right now A soup

A $1.18 A scan list They're trying to make money off it What's the sound of them being hit? Somebody being an asshole in the background Is what the sound is Hitting, shit Are you trying to record something?

I'm gonna make some noise over here That's what that is This is for the Emmy And for Joker And for Smiley And all my homeboys down The MS-13 Okay, he's 18

Nothing After all, ballin' and shit Now I'm fuckin' ballin' and shit What? He's saying cops are all ballin' and shit Cause he's all drunk He's right They're all fuckin' ballin' and shit

Cops are not all ballin' and shit After all, ballin' and shit Now I'm fuckin' ballin' and shit Fuckin' cops are fuckin' balls Fuckin' ballin' and shit That might be the best thing I've ever heard anybody say Fuckin' ballin' and shit Cops fuckin' the ballin' and shit

Brother Everybody hating cops are all ballin' and shit Now I'm fuckin' ballin' and shit Fuckin' cops are fuckin' balls Fuckin' cops are fuckin' balls It's not true Fuckin' cops are fuckin' balls I think his fuckin' bot, the homies are all fuckin' balls

They always have shaved heads Of course, that's the cholo look man You have a bald head and goatee homes You gotta have your socks pulled up, your converse And of course your shorts, your dicky shorts It's crazy to do it like this is 46 Yeah, they're lifers, dude I know, but like this guy's gonna be, you know, if he lives

He'll be the same personality at like 60 Yeah, it's a lifestyle, bro It's really a full-time gig, a lifetime gig Being in gang homes Talking shit You know, I've been wearing my police hat around town And what's real neat about that Is I get so much more respect as a woman

You know what I mean, cause you get as a girl You're always like, ah shit, am I gonna be raped When I walk out on the street, is somebody gonna fuck with me So I already put up a wall of defense I put my sunglasses on, now with the police hat Shit, it's like this, it's like I'm a guy I have like the authority of a man Do you see people see it?

Absolutely, man, people eyeball that shit And they're way nicer to me when I'm wearing my police hat That's what's up, real talk You better not say you're an officer No, I'm not gonna say that I say, if someone asks me only one person has I'll be like, well I got this from my uncle, man I just, I say like I got it from him

Who asked you? Our neighbor, I was walking the FIFO Yeah And uh, he's like Which neighbor, which way? Uh, well I can't say What do you mean? Well, which way are we facing now, this way bro

We know those new houses are built? Yeah Yeah That avenue? That guy who's got like the Scottish Terrier That always barks at FIF Oh, okay And so I always talk, cause he's always out there

Like fucking with his lawn when I'm walking Theo And uh, and he's like, you're gonna go to the The fucking whatever rally And I was like, what bro? And he's like, you got the hat And I was like, oh no, I'm not, I'm not This is like from my uncle, is what I say Okay

You know what I'm saying? But I do like the uh, authority That I pull Yeah I'm gonna wear my department of public safety jacket too When I work together Your nerd jacket You're such a nerd

My windbreaker The fucking bald and shit Cops are fucking bald, man They're fucking bald and shit What is happening? What the fuck is he? Everybody's hating cause cops are all bald and shit They're all fucking bald and shit

Fucking cops are fucking bald Okay Alright Yeah, I hear ya But I get his argument I get what he's saying The great Peter Cain Peter Cain

Put up another awesome video He's the best This is very recent Yeah, this is uh Peter's fired up Peter's got so many great videos up right now It was hard to kind of go through them And pick the finest

This is a really good one Yeah Again, he's not really big on filtering out background noise Yeah But there's a lot of passion And that's what I'm all about Passionate guy Peter Cain

On YouTube That's Cain is C-A-I-N-E Lots of videos And he Actually he has Is this right? 800 videos? Is that right?

I'm not sure But he's very productive Yeah, he has a ton Holy shit He's like And honestly like if you have dog issues I would say just type in the problem And Peter Cain

He's pretty much got something up for everything Yeah He's very thorough And he's very passionate And very opinionated Which we love at your mom's house He keeps it 100 Both of these are

Keeps it real Are pretty phenomenal Aw, they're so funny He's so good Here we go And it's like landmines out here And I have to pick it up And then yesterday

The whole day You know Going around Manhattan and Brooklyn I kept smelling dog shit It was like everywhere I went I was smelling dog shit And I'm like Wow, there's a lot of dog shit in this town, isn't there?

And then I come home And I'm watching TV And I put my feet up on a table And then I bring my feet down There's dog shit on the fucking table Because I've been I stepped in it earlier So the whole day

I walked around this town People were thinking Hey, there's Peter Cain He smells like dog shit Thanks, dude I can't wait to catch your ass And your dog doing this shit You know

You motherfucker You know Not only did I have to take it off my shoe You know I had to clean my shoe off But I had to clean up my table too You son of a fucking bitch You don't want to pick up your dog shit

And you want somebody else to pick it up for you You want somebody else to handle your responsibilities I can't wait to catch you I'm putting a camera in my window tonight You motherfucker You dirtbag Shit I agree

100% I agree I'm the same way, man Listen If our dog shits in our yard I'm not picking that up That's my fucking yard Okay

But if FIFO shits outside in the world I pick it up every time You're a real asshole Especially, I mean Obviously you're a dog owner You have a dog You know that once you have a dog Like the very basic thing

Etiquette for having that dog Is you pick up his shit Or her shit Wherever you go He's completely right You're an asshole if you don't And especially if it's a big dog With a big old fucking turd

They have horse shits that come out of them Yes, our neighbor's dog Big stupid fluffy big dumb thing Took a shit in our lawn When we first moved in You remember that? It was a big fucking turd Right on our cement driveway

Like, first of all What dog shits on cement? There's grass everywhere It's so weird It's bigger than a person's shit I know I mean, I know some of you have big dogs And of course I love doggies of all kinds

But it is To clean up that level of dog shit I don't know how you guys do it Well, apparently, I mean He's making the point that some people don't Yeah, it's terrible He's fired I agree

I'd be mad too If I walked around a dog shit all day long Yeah, it's fucking It's upsetting Everyone's stepped in it It's the fucking worst It's the worst Friends are the worst

Yeah, I mean, you gotta do it, man You gotta show respect for yourself For your neighborhood Wherever you are It's disrespectful to everybody else It's unhygienic Yeah But it's disrespectful

The main thing is that it's disrespectful It's disrespectful And that's how diseases get started to people You don't want little kids playing And dog shit grass and everything There's nothing worse When you fucking The first moment you realize

You've stepped in dog shit You're like, mother fucker Because your shoe's ruined It's ruined So strong smelling And you know that somebody's just a lazy fucking asshole That's why You're never gonna get that smell off the shoe

The shoe is done Pick up your shit No Pick it up You mother fucker I love mother fucker It's so funny He's so fired up

Yeah Yeah, he's right Today Today I was with my dog Ike I said mother fucker today I'm going with the customer service rep Highly effective word choice I said you mother fuckers

You said that to them You fucked me Yeah, I said that It was really pissed Good, and how did they respond? Can you hold for one second? Yeah Then they sent me a voucher via email

Hey It's not what I wanted at all But I was like, you guys are the worst I kept saying you're the worst You guys are the worst Yeah, that tends to work in customer service Where you vocalize your upsetness Yeah

You got to tell them how disappointed you are in them How upset you are Well, it's too bad Yeah Sorry, Jeans They fucked me I'm sorry, Bill I hope Peter Kane makes me feel better

Here's another video he put up Today I was with my dog Ike And we were walking by this woman And as she was walking towards us I knew she was going to say something I knew she was going to do something Her eyes were fixated on Ike Fucking jerk, here it comes

And as I'm walking right by her She tries to get Ike's attention by talking baby talk You fucking bitch You know, Ike didn't move a muscle And we just kept walking What the fuck is your problem? Is your ego that fucking broken? That's more machine guns

That's his sound effect He's putting in there Yeah, he puts in machine guns and explosions to go Oh, he's fired up He doesn't... Don't pet the dog The dog is being good You asshole

Asshole You fucking asshole Don't pet the dog The dog is being good You're getting the dog in trouble, you dick That's my favorite Yeah, that's a great one Oh, he's right

Don't baby talk the dog People that he's right Sometimes he doesn't, you know, articulate exactly what he wants to say But I think what he's trying to say there is like It is kind of rude to just assume that a dog owner and a dog It's super rude Are open season for you to whenever you want I don't think people who do...

I don't think like that girl or most people have bad intentions No But they're not aware, they're oblivious to what's going on But like, for instance, when I walk Theo I'm training him the way I walk with him It's very intentional walking, okay? I don't just put him on a fucking harness And let him do what he wants

The walks serve a purpose So when some dumb bitch, she's right Is like, oh my god And she like breaks your dog out of that bond that you have When you're walking with them, it's fucking annoying Of course it is Or in public Like, don't just fucking leave us alone, dude

Just leave us alone Yeah Let me just work with my dog Because I have to teach him shit Because he's a shelter boy He's got it, he's still learning And that just fucks it all up Fucks it all up

Fucks it all up You fucking, you motherfucker You give your dog a vegan diet? That's my favorite one too You asshole The dog eats meat East Coast, that's where the most interesting The characters

I feel like this is a little bit of a serious way to end the show Why don't we liven it up a little bit? All the way out Goddamn That is sitting on a, it's sitting He's sitting on a plate of donuts Farting on them He's sitting, farting on his food right now

Oh, on his dirty brown Oh Again, more donuts That's an emotional problem Sitting on all the donuts Goddamn it I think you could give him a run for his money I could not give him a run for his money

Are you being serious? Of course I'm being serious What about last night, Tom? What about it? What about today, Tom? Those aren't those kinds of farts Oh, babe, you're delusional Whatever

You're not so aware enough to know That you fart as bad as this guy No, I don't That's why you love him so much Kindred spirits, birds of a feather Okay I've missed this song, I mean, I haven't heard it And I don't know, not that long, but I just miss it

So we're gonna go out on this song Hey, guys, please check out our site YourMomsHousePodcast.com Thank you for listening to our show Head us up on Twitter at TomCigarette Don't worry about the other one And then... That is so rude

There's another one? At ChristinaP God, and let me know your support of my cargo shorts theory Thank you Subject line, cargo shorts The email is yourmomspodcast.com You know I'm right Cargo shorts have no impact whatsoever

You're so dumb Everybody knows they create a dick effect Okay, well, you know the battle we're having We're going to see a moderator tonight See if we can... A therapist? Yeah It's a marriage counselor about cargo shorts

To work out Dr. Jen Berman's gonna help us That's it, thanks, Jeans Love you Love you, bye, Jeans Oh, my fucking cut Cut, we cut, we cut Oh, my fucking cut

Cut, we cut, we cut Cut, we cut, we cut Oh, my fucking cut Cut, we cut, we cut Cut, we cut, we cut Oh, my fucking cut Cut, we cut, we cut Cut, we cut, we cut

Oh, my fucking cut Cut, we cut, we cut Cut, we cut, we cut Cut, we cut, we cut Cut, we cut, we cut Cut, we cut, we cut Cut, we cut, we cut Cut, we cut, we cut

It's sexy