Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 251-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 27, 2014

If you do the ALS Ice Bucket challenge make sure you suffer thru it, so says the unofficial spokesman of the ALS Foundation.  We wear our jeans the highest and we hope you appreciate that. Did you re...member that cops are bald and s**t? They're bald, man. They're f****n bald. Do we have a song about that? Yup.  Plus Tommy ate a Joey Diaz edible again and, you guessed it, panic, fear and unplanned detours took place. When Tina reads their text exchange you might have to rewind it and hear it again.  Is the Cargo Shorts debate finally resolved?!?! NO. You, the little mommy can't decide and neither can we. Be The JEANS!

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 jeans hmm I got coffee and the cookie pinch my dick and squeeze my tits real hard that's the song I wrote it was a door and pinch my dick real hard do it do it like you did yesterday mmm baby lock them doors baby lock them doors baby lock them doors sounds like him pinch my tits and squeeze my dick real hard no it's pinch my dick and squeeze my tits real hard that's it because I love the idea of you squeezing a man's tits it doesn't make sense pull my dick and squeeze my tits real hard there you go there you go that's how you do it
Starting point is 00:01:11 Tom Segorong Christina Bajitski I'm full of your jeans boy pull them up tight but you're a double shitter in your whole life blind bike, next stop, round talk, you better wipe down dope hesitate to listen to them mummies with the crown wipe down or is it wipe up bomb I got seriously bill her up a sailor shot oh yeah and that's gooder than a bitch I be flossin' my t-28 inch rim my t-p off the shiny man, honky ass white
Starting point is 00:01:47 who just bought it wasn't the old man, all I know is bikes pay buddy, guess who it is, man it be top dog spread the knowledge all about the shits mommy tea and mommy seat, flexin' all the good as guests watchin' clips and talkin' shit, the mommy is the best but I want to say this once we fold the shout man mommy's for life, fuck bein' a bro that's the best line of that, fuck bein' a bro
Starting point is 00:02:18 Denver, Colorado I'm going to the great comedy works downtown where I belong with my peoples Thursday, Friday and Saturday so this is it man I'm really excited to be back I haven't been to that specific club in a few years specifically
Starting point is 00:02:39 specifically that club I haven't been to the south club but I'm really excited to be back please come out, only five shows Thursday, Friday, Saturday then I go to Hong Kong, Singapore and China just something I always do in September and then Macau
Starting point is 00:02:58 Macau get back and Jeans and I are going to be one night only September 18th at the Fart Lauderdale Improv the Seaman Hole Hard Rock, Hardcock Casino get that title in right that's our only south Florida show of the year so West Palm, Fort Lauderdale, Miami
Starting point is 00:03:19 please come out and party with us in that one night Thursday, September 18th it's Jeans and I together we never do these together so it's been fun which rugulade you like better, chocolate or salmon I like the Chucky one more
Starting point is 00:03:34 yeah I like the Simoninen one it's tastier but I mix it up, I like to do I'm eating yours right now yeah that's fine we're married we're married so married people are married
Starting point is 00:03:45 after that Jeans I go to north Florida or more north Florida I go to Orlando Improv the first weekend in October that's not what it's called but okay what's it called? Oh it's called Mom Lando duh
Starting point is 00:03:56 and then I added Minneapolis in October that's I'm coming back to Minneapolis Acme and then I do a cool run of the south in November so please
Starting point is 00:04:09 check it out and Phoenix I'm coming back in December that was just added as well Phoenix Jeans what club are you doing in Phoenix? I'm doing stand up live oh that's a great venue
Starting point is 00:04:20 yeah alright guys here we go September 18th with my Jeans and then October 2nd through 5th the Cincinnati Funny Bone in Newport, Kentucky
Starting point is 00:04:31 see how they did that? New fart they say it's the Cincinnati Funny Bone but it's really in Newport gotcha and then kicking off a huge Your Moms House tour October 9th
Starting point is 00:04:43 we started off at Cobb's Comedy Club we do Your Moms House live in Manfran Disco, California oh shit October 9th so get your tickets there up on our site YourMomsHousePodcast.com
Starting point is 00:04:55 or go to the Cobb's website buy your tickets now in advance this is a huge mommy dome following for us it's a big mommy city so get your tickets now so that they don't run out alright so that's October 9th
Starting point is 00:05:08 and then oh I can't say those days but then November we roll into November 6th the High Line in Seattle, Washington this is where we're making up for the time you couldn't come I wasn't there
Starting point is 00:05:20 I was doing a TV show November 7th Portland at the Analogue Cafe yes and then November 8th in Chicago at the Empty Bottle
Starting point is 00:05:31 the Empty Hooters now those are all the slillings are all on our site those are all up tickets are on sale at YourMomsHousePodcast.com I will be adding them to my site as well I'm sure Tommy you'll will
Starting point is 00:05:42 have those added too get your tickets now Jeans it's gonna be crazy sweet it's gonna be great I'm really excited we've never done Chicago as the podcast
Starting point is 00:05:53 no never it's our first time doing it I'm really excited about it and guys just to be clear this is only for the podcast not stand up these days I just mentioned cool
Starting point is 00:06:02 it's gonna be fucking I think Chicago is gonna be up there with how Portland and Seattle are yeah it's bananas I think so too Chicago's good
Starting point is 00:06:12 alright also as an addendum to that ad if you own a small business of any sort and you're shipping stuff and you're taking you know in the beginning
Starting point is 00:06:23 we were doing our shirts we were taking bags of packages to the post office don't don't do that just get the stamps dot com guys guys
Starting point is 00:06:32 Tommy I know I bothered you about my headphones yeah you turn them up again I like them louder I'm sorry yeah meow meow meow there we go
Starting point is 00:06:39 oh that's really here my lovely female feminine voice alright also guys we know you shop at Amazon who the hell doesn't
Starting point is 00:06:49 and if you're not shopping on amazon.com to get your everything in life I just bought a yoga mat you know why Jeans I'm a yogi now and my little wrists
Starting point is 00:06:59 they hurt and they they're very tender you understand so I got this I understand yeah I got this mat
Starting point is 00:07:06 that's padded and I got it on Amazon cheapest can be but I went through your mom's house podcast dot com and I clicked on our banner and that way
Starting point is 00:07:15 it kicks back just a small little few pennies our way but over time they add up so thank you for everybody that's done it already and make sure to
Starting point is 00:07:23 make sure your ad blocker is off because that'll prohibit you from seeing that well there you go banner I mean there you go are you ready to do this
Starting point is 00:07:35 I'm ready to barbecue let's fucking barbecue okay roast your tits on the fire this fall you've done my fuckers out there doing the ALS challenge the ice bucket challenge
Starting point is 00:07:48 first of all you ain't doing it right you're supposed to get the water ice cold and then still put the ice in it the water's supposed to be so cold that the ice don't melt
Starting point is 00:08:01 and you don't jump into a hot warm pool after you fucking do it the whole point of this ALS is it's a disease that shuts down everything in your body
Starting point is 00:08:12 you got nothing but mouth and lips bro just that's all you got this shit is big time who is Randy don't bring anyone loving to this
Starting point is 00:08:22 don't burn me in the fucking sand welcome welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura Tom Sutsuru and Christina Pazitzin Christina Pazitzin welcome to your mom's house
Starting point is 00:08:40 that's new I like those monkeys that they're dumb oh whoa oh my goodness oh
Starting point is 00:08:50 nah, that's a wow you're really playing that was good yeah you played with your teeth on that I did a marching band drum today too this is really good
Starting point is 00:09:17 yep I like those monkeys that clap the cymbals that's what you kind of did too I don't like being put in like that position I don't like to be classified as a monkey but you are
Starting point is 00:09:27 I'm not a monkey you're a monkey no you're a fucking monkey you know you are what cops are all bald and shit I'm not a cop
Starting point is 00:09:37 I'm not a fucking fucking bald and shit fucking puercos puercos animalis puercos animalis that's a pig right yeah
Starting point is 00:09:44 puercos hey fucking this one goes through Smiley and Joker think about cops is they're fucking bald and shit man
Starting point is 00:09:53 I finally got to show you how drunk that guy is yeah you guys you have to see him to understand the magic of this clip it's on our website under clips
Starting point is 00:10:01 you're just out of it right yeah I just put it up he's so rad he's so faded that's what they say faded fucking bald cops are fucking bald man
Starting point is 00:10:12 shit Smiley I'm fading homes the thing is about them is they never have fucking hair and you know what happened is that he made that observation and then his homie behind the camera was like
Starting point is 00:10:25 yeah that's right dog and that's why he keeps repeating cops are all bald and shit they're all fucking bald and shit fucking cops are fucking bald have you found that to be empirically true cops are fucking bald and shit
Starting point is 00:10:44 yeah for real though all fucking cops are bald for real they don't let you get in the academy if you got fucking hair you gotta be bald okay homes
Starting point is 00:10:53 shit Charlie I'd rock that shirt cops are bald yeah cops are I don't know if you want to wear something that's like
Starting point is 00:11:01 fuck the police it's not though you're just saying that you know they don't have hair yeah oh you know I have a couple of cop friends I'll send them texts and ask them
Starting point is 00:11:10 how offensive is a cop's a bald shirt I'm not gonna wear it that probably like you know I don't think you want to cross that fucking line yeah bro
Starting point is 00:11:18 I mean I wear my hat around town my my cop hat I'm on the law side now son I'm a grown woman do you want to talk about
Starting point is 00:11:27 Sir Lawrence Olivier talking about how to do the ice bucket challenge all right this fall you've done my fuckers out there doing the ALS challenge the ice bucket challenge
Starting point is 00:11:37 Sir Lawrence for people that don't know you have to live under a rock yeah that this has exploded the ice bucket challenges you dump basically a bucket of ice water on you
Starting point is 00:11:50 and then you donate the standard is ten dollars to ALS it has absolutely been a huge success which is great for ALS research and you know they've raised I think their goal was like a hundred and fifty thousand
Starting point is 00:12:05 you know a year ago or something and now it's in the tens of millions so it's been it's been phenomenal but anyways as with any like you know cultural phenomena there's been these
Starting point is 00:12:16 different variations on how to do it it was just a bucket of ice and then you know wait wait pull it back that ass up I thought the thing was like you nominate people and then if they don't
Starting point is 00:12:25 do the ice bucket challenge they have to pay a hundred dollars each or something no that's not it because the cops are fucking bald cops are 100% you're right
Starting point is 00:12:34 but what about the cops are all bald and shit what about the cops the cops can they can they probably shouldn't do it because they don't have hair on their fucking heads the cops are all bald and shit okay
Starting point is 00:12:49 have you been nominated to to do the challenge the salon um I don't think so I don't know I haven't seen anything
Starting point is 00:12:57 hmm um okay well that's good that they've you know raised money and it's also put a lot of wonderful videos
Starting point is 00:13:05 online of people failing to do this and they're doing very like one thing that's happened is people have dropped buckets that they were supposed to pour on people
Starting point is 00:13:14 um then I saw uh Charlie Sheen did it where he flipped the bucket over and there was money in there that's the best one by far as much as I don't like Charlie Sheen
Starting point is 00:13:22 I saw Howard Stearns yesterday what was his uh he so he had a bucket of ice and then he reached in there with tongs and pulled out one ice cube and put it like in a shot glass
Starting point is 00:13:33 and put water in there and then poured that on himself that's cool so people are doing certain things but this guy really breaks down how you're supposed to be doing it it's kind of interesting
Starting point is 00:13:44 when you take the way right wait no I think this guy is the official spokesperson oh for yeah ALS research so he's telling you like
Starting point is 00:13:53 if you want to do this this is from the top the organization wants you to do it this way so this is the spokesperson from ALS research okay I didn't know that yeah
Starting point is 00:14:03 first of all you ain't doing it right you're supposed to get the water ice cold and then still put the ice in it the water's supposed to be so cold that the ice don't melt and you don't jump into a hot warm pool after you fucking do it
Starting point is 00:14:21 that they want you to know this the ALS people want you to know this yeah the whole point of this ALS is it's a disease that shuts down everything in your body you got nothing but mouth and lips bro just that's all you got
Starting point is 00:14:37 for that right there he just moved his lips around without making noise obviously like a fish mouth like a fish mouth and his friends like put it again that's all you got
Starting point is 00:14:48 you don't even got movement you don't got none of that shit so that was another ALS research guy who said do it again right well he's the chair person okay he's the head
Starting point is 00:15:00 see these are some people I did spokesman for the organization let's see what else he says yeah check it out you know what I'm saying this okay alright ALS is bad as fuck
Starting point is 00:15:10 you know what I'm saying check it out you know what I'm saying it's a fear you know what I'm saying play the rest of the ALS video so when the ice water hits you that fucking cold
Starting point is 00:15:20 you're supposed to feel what ALS is you're supposed to go through what they go through so you don't put yourself through some a little bit of ice water that you got out of a fucking faucet or the damn hose outside
Starting point is 00:15:33 we know that shit ain't that damn cold come on let that shit marinate put some more ice in it put some more ice in it and if that shit don't melt then you go outside and when the bucket falls on you
Starting point is 00:15:46 motherfuckers sit there and take that shit and understand that's what they going through you motherfuckers is doing it all wrong and you ain't doing it right you telling me you donated ten dollars ten dollars
Starting point is 00:15:58 I didn't see the video of you donating ten bucks but I sure as hell saw a video of you motherfuckers in a hundred and two degree weather in Florida putting ice water on you that ain't a challenge you motherfuckers is just sweating tighten up world tighten up world
Starting point is 00:16:16 tighten up world that is probably one of my favorite sayings tighten up world I never heard that before that is great wow tighten up world tighten up world
Starting point is 00:16:29 well he does make some good points though I think I had that over here hold on a second as the chairperson for this organization well I mean like he knows obviously what the whole thing is about tighten up world tighten up world
Starting point is 00:16:45 oh my god our son is digging in his bed he's covering his bone with dirt right now the dirt that doesn't exist in his dog bed that's the cutest thing it's my favorite thing in the world when he does this shit oh my god oh my god
Starting point is 00:16:57 I love this dog so much more than I love you yeah I talked to cousin Jeanette who's been on the show today oh you did what's up with her what's up with her she's got exciting stuff going on remember Boo Boo Chicken Pop
Starting point is 00:17:08 yes he's moving to California fantastic so that's exciting well good for her I hope those two get married soon and make sweet love together did I tell you that
Starting point is 00:17:21 I went to kiss Theo's mouth for the first time the other day you know I you and I have always discussed how much we want to kiss those beautiful black lips yes those shiny fucking puckered lips yeah
Starting point is 00:17:33 and I worked up the nerve the other morning and I was like I'm just gonna go for it and I went to kiss Theo's mouth bold man that shit is that smell is wild
Starting point is 00:17:44 I don't know if you've ever smelled your dog's mouth don't do it I immediately panicked and I was like am I gonna get worms from this like what's gonna happen to me
Starting point is 00:17:53 because I just put my mouth on my dog's mouth it's not good it's not good I mean a lot of times I'm like right before I get there you know I'll be right
Starting point is 00:18:02 just a hair away from that mouth and I see and then I I get a whiff and I'm like it's like it's a combination of like the fish markets of Chinatown
Starting point is 00:18:12 yeah meets like a homeless person when you in summer times I mean that's rude you don't have to say it like that that's rude
Starting point is 00:18:20 well like the homeless people listening are gonna be bummed out on their iPhone that's true go back to it say rude stuff again homeless guy today I was at a stoplight in Hollywood
Starting point is 00:18:29 and he put a note on my windshields no and he gave me a dirty look and I was like oh no
Starting point is 00:18:37 what did the note say? I haven't even told you this yet oh it said tighten up world I wish dude that'll be fucking fresh no he the note was gibberish
Starting point is 00:18:46 it was like hi come to the 7-11 at 8 p.m. to 10 p.m. I'm selling vacuums they last for 24 years boop boop boop boop boop oh wow
Starting point is 00:18:57 yeah I think he had problems wait what part made you think he had problems was he saying just nonsense
Starting point is 00:19:05 some shit he was talking some shit talking some shit uh you wanna you wanna talk some shit about some shit you know that over the weekend
Starting point is 00:19:14 Shug Knight got shot wait a minute I thought Shug Knight was dead Shug Knight death row records yeah why did I think he was dead he just been shot a bunch right
Starting point is 00:19:26 well he got shot six times on Friday night Saturday night boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I ain't never had a job before my life until I started working for SIL you know in and out of gym you know what I'm saying
Starting point is 00:19:39 did a little bit every third you know what I'm saying now I'm you know what I'm saying that's my favorite you know what I'm saying so let's see here's what it says evidence from security cameras
Starting point is 00:19:52 10 O Club in West Hollywood suggests that the rat mogul was the intended target in the shooting early Sunday so that's Saturday night at a party hosted by Chris Brown some club goers initially said they believed Brown had been the target but he was not let's see what happened
Starting point is 00:20:08 10 O Club hours around 1.30 in the morning wounded night on two others the shooting happened almost immediately after night arrived so it looks like it was a crime of opportunity appear to be the intended target why would somebody get hurt shook I mean the guy is
Starting point is 00:20:28 a upstanding citizen I'm sure he does a lot of just talking about to that I think was it Joey last night that I talked about or I think so that like he's that that should the kind of person that you know like
Starting point is 00:20:44 the building's gonna collapse in other words he's got such a crazy past that like if he's in the room you might want to walk out of that room you know yeah he's one of those people he and I have had conversations you and should yeah about the things that he's done he doesn't like
Starting point is 00:21:00 to talk about it but I mean when this is before I thought he died this is this is like two years ago because a moment ago I remember you said it was me dead but I forgot but were you like he doesn't like to talk about the stuff that he's done let's put it out what is he okay what does he
Starting point is 00:21:18 talk about you know I'm saying just a little bit everything he doesn't like to talk about what he gets into I got you yeah would you want to talk about it no that's wrong damn he is 49 years old how fat is he now he's a big boy how fat he he was really fat
Starting point is 00:21:34 back in the time I'm thinking okay first of all he was big still forget he played like defensive he was six he's six five and he played football in college professionally not professionally college and so he was walking one of those dudes who would walk around at like three 25 and kind of
Starting point is 00:21:50 carry it like right fairly well right but yeah you know when you're that big you get sloppy too so yeah I don't know what he got up to shook does he still own death row records no that shit went down a long time ago what are you reading
Starting point is 00:22:06 I was trying to read just more about the the shooting so six times that's not good is he I'm assuming he still is he okay yeah he's okay no he's not critical amazingly let's see he's resting he lost a lot of blood
Starting point is 00:22:24 let's see I don't know he took a nine millimeter I don't know no it's not it I'm trying to figure out how many times he got shot that's all don't you find it astounding that public figures like that still get shot multiple
Starting point is 00:22:40 times and getting related stuff we were like dude you're like you're famous now you can't be getting shot at bro like athletes and stuff could you guys not do this to stop like it's scary it's totally
Starting point is 00:22:56 terrifying especially in public places I mean he's out in nightclub or some shit no way man you know what I'm saying you shot six times I think a bunch of them can't you get shot at home in the privacy of your own home so you don't have to know what I was just saying is that you know bad shit
Starting point is 00:23:12 follows that guy like if he if you're sitting in a restaurant and Shug Knight walks in to have dinner you like it's the kind of he's the kind of person where you might want to think about just asking for the check not because he's going to do something to you it's because bad shit follows him yes I know what you mean when I was
Starting point is 00:23:28 flying home from San Francisco I'm sorry Manfrin Disco and TI was on my flight I was terrified you know tiny might come on there and shoot all of us jeez he just got arrested you're kidding yeah there was
Starting point is 00:23:44 a shooting and then he was tied to a weapon and now he's locked up he's doing he's sitting on a million bail or something what about Gucci main Gucci is fucking locked up for at least another 24 months free big goo up you guys the most funny is I was
Starting point is 00:24:00 on the plane and I was the plane landed and you know how everybody does their stupid phone calls yeah it's landed Bart and so I see this guy this black guy stand up and he's dressed like super cool and he's talking and he's like yeah you know what I'm saying I like that music I could fuck with those beats
Starting point is 00:24:16 you know what I'm saying I'm like oh this guy's a rapper you know first class yeah I could fuck with them beats yeah a lot of that all loud so everybody can hear yes that's weird no one ever does you know what I'm saying and I so I texted you and I was like dude there's a rapper I know this guy's a
Starting point is 00:24:34 rapper I go I think it's Gucci main and you're like no Gucci means in prison I'm like oh yeah someone else and then I had to ask other people are you dead yeah he's cute you ask at that point well a couple people were like oh shit like they saw him walk off the plane
Starting point is 00:24:50 they're like oh my god that's T.I. right that is T.I. and I was like oh is that the flight attendant that was the pilot the pilot was like oh shit you say he's cute he is really handsome well hey there T.I. why don't you go ahead and fuck my stoma
Starting point is 00:25:06 he got them light he a light skin brother he got a little tiny mustache you know what I'm saying he got that penciled in mustache why don't you get in there he's with tiny are they I think I thought they were splitsy I don't I think those two are like ride or die dude like I think they're
Starting point is 00:25:22 splitsville for real though yeah I like their show she was tiny is rough yo have you seen that broad yeah she looks like she'll fucking kill you I don't know cut a bitch um dick will make you slap somebody
Starting point is 00:25:38 definitely she'll slap you for T.I.'s dick that's for sure I thought they were split up you know I think they split up they make up like but they're the kind that they make up to break up yeah since they've been like 13 what's her name tiny right tiny T.I. and why traditional smelling tiny
Starting point is 00:25:54 maybe they are still together I don't know dude I don't fucking know you let's see let's see T.I. addresses trouble and paradise oh no I can't imagine I'm sure he's faithful
Starting point is 00:26:10 and just like real kind of calm stay-at-home dad kind of guy you think so huh everything why she's new single how her marriage the raptor is holding out I guess okay I recorded this a year ago I just wanted to write and say some things it was just for me and my
Starting point is 00:26:26 friends to hear oh sure let's see okay I just want to get some things we are really good right now everything is looking good okay okay hmm let's see
Starting point is 00:26:42 well we are having the ATL up in the house today hi everyone I'm Ian that was bad and to my left is a woman that we have had in here many times people so we are having ATL he's not white
Starting point is 00:26:58 are you serious we know from many things we know from many things like nothing and he's like you're always doing something man you know what that bothers me though is that like you knew T.I. tiny was coming in and if you don't know that's cool
Starting point is 00:27:18 but just like you have your assistant fucking pull up the Wikipedia page we know you from a lot of things you can't fucking look at that for 8 seconds or here's what you do you go oh we all know you from the fabulous reality
Starting point is 00:27:34 show T.I. and tiny just you know list the one thing you know dum dum you know maybe he is white all way up here in the ATL yeah but lately got a new song that is raising a lot of grass
Starting point is 00:27:50 what the f you gonna do okay tell me about this song cause it's like what inspired this how did this come about it's like bumping everywhere already he says bumping everywhere already it's bumping everywhere guys
Starting point is 00:28:08 is it bumping in the ATL it's amazing but I recorded this song about a year ago and I just went in the studio I was feeling and went in the studio and laid it down and it was just for me and my friends to hear yeah
Starting point is 00:28:24 and then what happened then you know what I'm saying and then you realize what a bad idea it is to write songs when you're angry at your husband and put them out in the world you don't want to do that you know what I'm saying you know what I'm saying
Starting point is 00:28:40 there's some mean comments here they don't like her song about physical features I mean yeah look it's not her fault it's interesting when you see a really handsome rapper they must have a lot of
Starting point is 00:28:56 history is what I'm trying to say no I'm trying to be diplomatic here it's an odd pairing usually these guys have models you know what I'm saying she's got her thing she's got her little something going on
Starting point is 00:29:12 she's got a thing going on it's very important yeah of course it's very important are you what are we referring to is it the cargo short debate the great cargo pants debate of 2014 great cargo short debate
Starting point is 00:29:40 you brought it up I'm assuming you have some evidence to support your side of this argument well of course I do there's plenty to say about it go ahead the key factor whether or not a guy is wearing boxers or briefs is somebody's asking
Starting point is 00:29:58 this person thinks that Christina's observation is dependent on the guy wearing briefs that are bundling up the package pushing it up and forward then with the cargo short pockets being full and weighed down pulling down the shorts it will look like the guy is packing
Starting point is 00:30:14 thanks for making me self-conscious about this by the way can I read you my emails that I've collected on the topic yeah I mean there's more but go ahead well I'm sorry go ahead finish no no no we can go back and forth with them I think I have noticed that the hog is louder
Starting point is 00:30:32 and prouder when I strut my stuff in cargo shorts says JT and here's the twist it even happens in cargo pants wow what do you know more here's more fan mail Christina's right cargo shorts make it look like you have a boner when you sit down I love cargo shorts
Starting point is 00:30:48 because I'm a fat retard but I can't help but notice the huge false bulge because I'm a huge fat retard when I was in middle school I was self-conscious about it because at least 70% of my day
Starting point is 00:31:06 was spent trying to hide my actual spontaneous boners and the rest of the time was spent trying to hide the false boner caused by bunched up baggy shorts sorry Tom I know you're the main mommy but Christina's right on this one interesting you know there's differing opinions here
Starting point is 00:31:22 Jason says okay so confession I'm 33 and still proudly wear old navy cargo shorts all summer because I truly don't give a shit so on the dick part Tina mommy is crazy because I have an above average piece and my daily cargo shorts
Starting point is 00:31:38 have no effect on the bulge okay Ian writes mommy's I have to agree with the main mommy on this one in parentheses that is Tom of course as a man who definitely doesn't have dick for days my crotch roll region has no effects
Starting point is 00:31:54 do the pocket placement on cargo shorts in fact I have a turtle dick by day it hides in the shell of my hair fat pack and only comes out to dine on my wife's delicious puss perhaps Christina
Starting point is 00:32:10 has only seen cargo shorts on guys with big lazy black dicks if you haven't noticed their shit looks fucked up in all pants shorts that big black snake is meant to be free in the jungle and not live like a caged animal so
Starting point is 00:32:26 no would be my answer and that's from Ian how about this one, Christina is right I think the caveat is that when the cargo shorts are too big and the guy wears a belt then you get the dick effect see attached photo of my lovely husband who wears this look often
Starting point is 00:32:42 he recently lost weight and his shorts are too big now he does have a nice healthy package but don't let that throw you off the shorts accentuate the package for sure I hope this helps settle this once and for all jeans I love how important the debate is
Starting point is 00:32:58 oh here's a great one from Trevor I found the timing on this classic debate perfect I recently got back from the holidays and had met up with an army buddy who wore nothing but cargo shorts at first I had noticed nothing until we sat down
Starting point is 00:33:14 to eat and I seen him grinning at me and pointing down naturally I glanced down and was disturbed to see what looked like half a penny roll folded over on itself hugging said I guess that's his friend's name
Starting point is 00:33:30 moose knuckle was out in full force I conclude that you're a both half right that should end the curious case of the cargo short moose knuckle and finally sup mommies I just had to write in after the debate on Friday's podcast Christina mommy you are out of your
Starting point is 00:33:46 fucking mind I love you but I am a man that will purposely wear pants that are too small just show off my package and cargo shorts have underlined no effect this one goes out to the main mommy Tommy
Starting point is 00:34:16 so serious that song you know I feel like I don't know if we're ever going to come the terms the case maybe a cold case I don't know it all depends on what the serge says when he reviews the file but I'm all backed up guys
Starting point is 00:34:36 that's a really neat debate can I tell everybody about our night should I say your night go ahead so Tom does Joey Diaz's podcast last night
Starting point is 00:34:52 and Joey as we all know just smokes a little bit of pot every now and then and by that I mean every day all day in huge quantities of edibles right and smoke and smoke how much do you think he weighs like he probably weighs
Starting point is 00:35:08 3 and change 315 maybe so you do his podcast and walk me through the offer that he makes I walk in there and he's like I got one of these for you
Starting point is 00:35:24 and I was like oh no it was like a brownie and it was like a square bite it was small you have about one of these gummies and I was like no no no I'm good he calls them gummies so he does all that and then he goes
Starting point is 00:35:40 he unwraps one it's in a plastic wrap like from the store I'm not kidding you he breaks off like a crumb like the edge of the brownie let's say that two little chunks from this thing he's eating
Starting point is 00:35:56 put it this way he's keeping 75 to 80% of this and then breaking off just a nugget for you a little and so you pop it in your mouth and you well the only reason I feel confident is like it's so small I go this is gonna like maybe
Starting point is 00:36:12 barely hit me and then that's it I feel like it's the equivalent of somebody offering you a drink and you have a sip and you're like I'm fine so how are you through his podcast because he does like three hours of show we did like two and well we sat there
Starting point is 00:36:28 we talked for a while before we started and I had eaten it pretty soon for the first hour I get a point where I get like a real nice light buzz where I'm like oh yeah that's what I was willing to go with like where you're like it'd be like if you took like a little toke of something
Starting point is 00:36:44 and you're like yeah I feel alright kind of how I like to smoke I just like one nice hit it's just a little something to take the eye draw for life then I become like two stoned and like about an hour and a half in and like
Starting point is 00:37:00 I realize that I can't listen anymore I'm just thinking of thoughts and I just want to say the thought that I'm having then I'm aware of how fucked I am but also laughing at stuff he does all of his ads um crazy style joey style
Starting point is 00:37:16 totally joey style it's like mother fucker you get the fucking stamps like that's how he does it I'm sure they love it when they get his reads I was laughing so fucking hard at this that's the best so um anyways I
Starting point is 00:37:32 I then I feel like I'm I have a good like buzz going but I'm like I can get out of here now you know I I'm ready to leave and I go I gotta run I gotta drive back from the valley down to the south bay I get in the car and
Starting point is 00:37:48 I turn my ways app on cause I'm not really aware of my surroundings and I miss the first turn that it tells me to make from like a main street to a side street so then it reroutes and it says to go left at this other street
Starting point is 00:38:04 so I pass that one so then it tells me to turn at the next street I turn I make a U turn or I pull around you know now I'm coming back and I miss the turn it told me again then I'm like thinking I'm like oh shit like I'm nervous right now
Starting point is 00:38:20 and I'm not able to pick up on when I'm supposed to turn I just don't feel comfortable well and in your defense the ways app doesn't give you much notice so you gotta be dude on a good day I fuck up ways but when you're high I can't even imagine so I'm starting to be like
Starting point is 00:38:36 oh shit it feels it's starting to feel a little crazy so anyways I get on one of the freeways and I get nervous now
Starting point is 00:38:52 things are happening fast too fast for me and I'm trying to pay attention to what my speed is look at other cars I'm like whoa you're in it I'm fucked up right now so I get on the freeway and I drive a couple exits
Starting point is 00:39:08 and I tell myself like you gotta get off the freeway like you're not okay to be doing this so I pull off the freeway now I want to look where's a place to chill and park and like I'm thinking like should I park in front of an apartment building but then I start just you know your mind starts running
Starting point is 00:39:24 like what if it's not like the best neighborhood like suspicious that you're parked there I'm kind of paranoid you know kind of yeah just a little so I get to a light and I'm like I think every car behind me is a cop and then I'm like fuck
Starting point is 00:39:40 and then right up next to me a real cop does pull up and I'm like I can feel my heart skipping a beat I'm like not cool if that cop pulls me over this is gonna be bad that's all I can picture you can't even talk you're just I know that's the worst and I realize how fucked up I am
Starting point is 00:39:56 I pull into a gas station and I go in I get oh I call you that's when I call you I park at the pump and then you can take over do you want a transcript of kind of how last night went sure I mean
Starting point is 00:40:14 so I get the call and something's in your voice because I know you're like hey I got out a while ago I just I haven't I just want to tell you that I got out a while ago but I haven't I'm okay I just I ate a little
Starting point is 00:40:30 had some edible and I just I think I need to just kind of pull over here for a minute and I'm just gonna stay at this gas station I was like oh like totally who hasn't done that we've all done that you overestimate and you get in the car but I'm glad you pulled over so then you're kind of walking
Starting point is 00:40:46 with me and the phone into like the gas station mm-hmm and you say to the guy you're like I'm just I'm talking on the phone you tell him that you're like talking or something you're like it's okay I'm on the phone and I'm like
Starting point is 00:41:02 and then you're like I'm gonna get like a power bar and then you go and then out of nowhere you go I really need to have a physical I mean I haven't had a physical in four years and I know I've been avoiding it and I need to get a physical I haven't been to the doctor in so long
Starting point is 00:41:18 so please can we make the appointment I'm really serious Christina I'm really serious I'm like oh boy and I start like my panic sets in a little for you because I'm like you're far away you're in the valley mm-hmm and
Starting point is 00:41:34 well what well sorry I hit something wrong go ahead so and then you start going into this whole thing of like I don't know if I was funny on the show I'm not funny and when comics do that it's either A. you just worked Cleveland
Starting point is 00:41:50 for a week and you're depressed or B. you're fucked up so when you start going into that I'm like oh he's whacked so you get yourself some kind of a power bar you say and then I'm like why don't I just come get you like maybe I should just come get you and I don't you are like
Starting point is 00:42:06 no I'm gonna wait this out I'm gonna wait this out 20 minutes later you call me again and you're like I'm at Ralph's I'm at Ralph's I tell you what happened next so I talked to you for a while and by the way I realize that as I'm talking to you
Starting point is 00:42:22 I'm just walking around my car so I keep walking around I walked around my car 40 times at this point just walked around the whole car yeah so I talked to you twice because I call you the first time I go in then I move the car because I'm in front of a pump
Starting point is 00:42:38 and cars are going there so I moved to a parking spot in the grid for a long time and then I go back in and I buy more stuff because you said like remember I talked to you like go get like real food like go get a sandwich
Starting point is 00:42:54 because that always has helped me when I'm too high right so there's a gas station it's a gas station so I get a gas station sandwich and I just take the bread off and I just want to eat like the turkey that's in there I just want to eat something but it tastes not good so I eat it and I'm like alright
Starting point is 00:43:10 I'll be better soon I know that I'm kind of paranoid but at the same time I do see the guy look out his window kind of look at me because he's seen me in his store twice separately within half an hour and he's just looking at me parked there
Starting point is 00:43:26 and in my mind I go you know all that guy I mean I know I'm paranoid but all this guy has to do is just be like hey there's a guy of course not just a guy, a guy who's talking weird on his phone and then is now circling his car 40 times he's circling his car and he came in here and he bought a protein
Starting point is 00:43:42 bar and a bottle of water and a coffee and a sandwich and he's just pacing a lot so I go this is the only thing that can happen bad is this guy's going to call a cop and the cops be like hey what's up what are you doing you know I don't know that's probably unlikely but that's my thought so I get in
Starting point is 00:43:58 I get in the car and I go I can make it I know I'm like a block from Ventura Boulevard so I just get in the car I drive to Ventura Boulevard and there's a Ralph's there I park my car at Ralph's and I look directly like I'm just sitting there
Starting point is 00:44:14 and I'm talking, my sister calls my sister calls me and as I'm talking to my sister I look right out the windshield and the car next to me standing at the car is Andrew Dice Clay like he's just standing there in the Ralph's Park, same parking lot
Starting point is 00:44:30 and I just I'm talking to my sister and he's just standing outside of his SUV and I'm like it's Dice right there I don't know Dice so I don't say something to him and I don't want to fucking I'm really fucking high so I want to be like DICE! I'm a comedian
Starting point is 00:44:46 so I just figure like definitely leave him alone I talk to my sister and then I text you right? nope that text comes later then you had given me the idea you go
Starting point is 00:45:02 not feeling good and you don't want me to come why don't you just take an Uber home? you're missing some vital parts you call me again and this time we're at Ralph's now it's funny because remember the time I was super fucked up in the car and we had to pull over and stop at Ralph's
Starting point is 00:45:18 for some reason guys if you're fucked up the Ralph's parking lot is like the best place to be because you've got food, you've got access it's well lit, there's plenty of parking so you call me and then at that point I go jeans you gotta take an Uber home
Starting point is 00:45:34 this isn't cool instead of me coming out to get you I think you didn't want me to waste my life doing that so we decide waste your life meaning that I think you felt bad at the idea of me getting in my car and driving all the way out there
Starting point is 00:45:50 I don't know why I didn't suggest it sooner I was like just hop on an Uber leave the car in the parking lot at Ralph's and then just figure it out tomorrow, you're fine just come home and feel better, be safe at home and I go but read the signs to see if they'll tow you
Starting point is 00:46:06 can you check that and you're like no can you maybe move the car to like a residential neighborhood you're like no I can't do that that was a bad suggestion though to move it to a residential I didn't know that
Starting point is 00:46:22 but at the time I didn't I didn't really have a clue you did have a clue now I know because you're too fucked up to read signs that was my first like he can't read and understand signs, he's really fucking ripped
Starting point is 00:46:38 right now and then when you couldn't move it to a residential spot I thought okay he's fucked but I don't think that's a good idea anyways to move it to a residential spot my only thinking was if it's not street cleaning imagine like in our suburban neighborhood
Starting point is 00:46:54 first it's my whole point but the valley is one big suburb I know but you still have to like know the street that you're on and figure that out and that's when I realized you were far too fucked up to be driving and then you're like you go just give me another 20 minutes I'm like babe
Starting point is 00:47:10 you're so, I didn't say it that way but I'm like it could be 5 hours before you come down like you're crazy so you get in the let me read this is the transcripts from last night this is amazing okay hold on
Starting point is 00:47:28 okay just one second jeans stay where you are don't drive okay or can I come get you and then you just write back I'm not I'm like okay text me when you're in the Uber
Starting point is 00:47:46 and then you text me I'm in on my way I go great see you soon you know you say like you know kiss you sweet I say I love you jeans I got some turkey spaghetti for you nice or we can watch a movie and then you write okay thanks and then
Starting point is 00:48:02 I'm so high yeah I go it's okay jeans you're coming home we can just chill out it'll be fine and then this is when I know this is the moment that I know you're really out of your fucking mind that you must be really fucked up
Starting point is 00:48:18 here it is here's the text how funny would it be if I did a bit about how I wished Mike Tyson would rape my sister I think it'd be cool I'd brag about it I'd smile at you if you recognize me as the guy
Starting point is 00:48:36 whose sister got raped by Mike Tyson I go here's my response because I don't want to like I don't want to get in your head I go ha ha ha you might get some emails about that one
Starting point is 00:48:54 and then you write that's the bit I go are you close and then you come home here's the best part what's the best part you finally get home and I'm relieved because I hate the thought of you being out in the world like that
Starting point is 00:49:20 you're home we're watching some weird fucking Stanley Kubrick documentary which I don't like at all Kubrick movies are my Biggie Smalls vs Beatles debate besides the point you're in the kitchen and you're like babe
Starting point is 00:49:38 seriously though Mike Tyson wants to rape my sister really here's the bit and then you walk me through the bit which is like nonsense and I humor you and I'm like yeah that's really funny and then we're watching this piece of shit
Starting point is 00:49:54 Stanley Kubrick documentary 20 minutes later you go hey hold on press pause I gotta tell you a story and I go yeah so my sister called me and I was Mike Tyson's in the same hotel and I thought wouldn't it be really funny if Mike Tyson raped my sister
Starting point is 00:50:10 the exact same bit to me I know but the reason that I said the same bit to you was because I realized I had never given you the backstory I just texted you how funny would it be if Mike Tyson raped my sister but I didn't tell you this is the full story obviously I met him
Starting point is 00:50:26 and my family knows that people know that right like I've put the picture online I talk about it in my show now Jane calls me last night and she is like I'm staying in the same hotel as Mike Tyson will you tell him I want to meet him
Starting point is 00:50:42 I'm dying to meet him and it's 2 o'clock in the morning and so my idea for the joke was like picture me on stage going I tell my story about meeting him and then I say I got a text message from my sister frantically one night saying she's in a hotel
Starting point is 00:50:58 with Mike Tyson he's dying she's dying to meet him so I'm getting a text from my sister I look at it what am I supposed to do it's my sister saying she's dying to meet Mike Tyson 2 o'clock in the morning in her hotel room what do you do in that situation
Starting point is 00:51:14 so the bit idea would be like when she asked me that I said just do me a favor if he agrees to meet you just say yes or no because either way it's a good story
Starting point is 00:51:30 it's still a funny rape joke either way it's a really funny rape joke which I'm sure Mike Tyson wants to relive that part of his life well no it's a joke but it was the funny thing was for me here is what was funny
Starting point is 00:51:46 is that my sister was insisting because she's on east coast time at 2 a.m. that I call Mike Tyson and say my sister wants to meet you right now she's in your hotel go down to her room I don't know if you know Mike's history or not but this might not be the best fucking suggestion
Starting point is 00:52:02 plus it's ludicrous thing to ask it's ludicrous for her to ask me but to me what was funny is being in a bit is saying that my sister insisted
Starting point is 00:52:18 ask me at 2 o'clock in the morning if I would set up a meeting with her and Mike Tyson and I thought okay that to me was the funny that I will set that up and then I thought
Starting point is 00:52:34 if it did happen I wouldn't be ashamed of it I'd be like this is kind of a cool story yeah Tom not all jokes conceived in heinous are good premises for things
Starting point is 00:52:50 workshop it do it a few times comedy works Thursday through Saturday workshop it see how the crowds react to that before you commit to putting that on the special next year okay they're not all gems
Starting point is 00:53:06 you don't think so I mean I've had some high jokes that I've read the next day and you're like this is what I think the best part is reading the premise in a text message wouldn't it be funny if my sister was raped by Mike Tyson
Starting point is 00:53:22 that's the only thing I read from you as you're in that car and I'm like oh he is cooked he's out of his god damn mind right now this doesn't make sense I mean I definitely would not have had that thought sober
Starting point is 00:53:38 by the way here's what else I figured out this is what I figured out that drive was really fucking long and I was I got even higher so in other words the highest point from when from when I called you I was like give me 20 minutes
Starting point is 00:53:54 I got home I got progressively higher so during that drive I remember I had the sweetest Eritrean driver woman who by the way I was like I cannot believe this woman is willing to just pick up strangers
Starting point is 00:54:10 thank god there's some vetting in Uber they know all your information but I felt bad for her she's like the nice late I told her immediately I was like I'm way too high you did it's a good tactic she was nice
Starting point is 00:54:26 about 10 minutes in the drive there is no way I could have done this shit and I realized that I was like that's how I was lit and then the more stuff for her even on ramps were closed
Starting point is 00:54:42 all kinds of shit was closed so all that not being able to just fluidly go your path is what that stone creates even more wreaks havoc because you're trying to solve your problem and you can't
Starting point is 00:54:58 not only that but about 30 minutes into the drive I could feel myself kind of zoning out really feeling stoned and that's when I was like man thank god I'm in somebody else's car no question I mean man think about it
Starting point is 00:55:14 whatever you spent on that Uber trip saved your fucking life for sure saved my life, saved other people's lives and saved me in worst case scenario well not worst case but in one scenario at least 10 grand and then I had to go to the fucking downtown
Starting point is 00:55:30 and pick up the nightmare I'm there with all these fucking cops cops are all bald and shit yeah and the best part too is we were watching that stupid fucking Stanley Kubrick documentary why is it stupid it's not stupid you know what I gotta tell you
Starting point is 00:55:46 I don't mind the shining I think it's fine what else did that guy make 2010 Space Odyssey 2010 2001 I mean it's so full metal jacket I do love that movie the first half of it is the best comedy ever
Starting point is 00:56:02 Doctor Strange love the second half it slows down I've never seen that you've never seen that it's tremendous how about Clockwork Orange yes also too long and slow all these movies I've enjoyed but I feel like I've had to force myself to because they're too slow
Starting point is 00:56:18 not enough shit happens more explosions more talking shit you like guys wide shut guys wide shut guys wide shut I remember vaguely that movie I get it
Starting point is 00:56:34 you know what I would rather watch a Tyler Perry movie you're officially I'm cutting your mic for the rest of the show how dare you even like Kubrick is a fucking master yeah but you know what I would just like the Beatles
Starting point is 00:56:50 he's a maestro I would rather watch a fun silly dopey thing than sit through this fucking esoteric you want to see some big black bullshits I'm gonna show you some this is not the movie
Starting point is 00:57:06 this is not the movie this is not his films these are not his films it's good music though that's why they call him black salami that's why they call it black salami he couldn't commit less to that
Starting point is 00:57:26 that's why they call it black salami no but real talk okay you're the worst no but real for reals but the documentary it was like reading into shit like at one point there's parts of that documentary dude they're reading into stuff that's not the one time the guy goes
Starting point is 00:57:42 and then they'll notice the patterns on the carpet are fallacies representing the ancient fall of Rome and fertility and they're like but some of it is fascinating I want to watch the documentary again and I want to watch the film again some of it's about like he does have a fascination
Starting point is 00:57:58 with Indians so there's an Indian motif there's a lot of historical things one of the guys theories is that Kubrick is Kubrick is was the guy behind the moon landing footage and falsifying it and that this is his like admission of that
Starting point is 00:58:14 but like his, well it's fun it's fun to watch the real it's fun to watch how did Sandra Bullock get there if it didn't happen she was her and Felix Armstrong put it in the moon together how could she film that movie
Starting point is 00:58:30 they didn't go to space for reals stupid cops are bald, Felix sent us a fucking remix of cops are bald do you want to hear it? let's hear it the fucking
Starting point is 00:59:06 all this shit cops are fucking all this shit the fucking cops are fucking all this shit I think he's fucking about the homies are not fucking bald they always have shit
Starting point is 00:59:22 of course, nice to show the look man, you had a ball head you had your socks pulled up your cumbers of course your shorts, your dicky shorts this is brilliant genius level
Starting point is 00:59:42 that's really good man wow and then somebody also submitted a not mean world record do you want to give it a listen? I would love to
Starting point is 00:59:58 we had so many you know what I'm saying submitted and we have it from last week it was from that bass fisherman boom goes dynamite did you put him up? no, good
Starting point is 01:00:14 I'll put it up yeah, that guy you know, it's funny, it's our discussion rather his booze belly and how you can decipher the hard booze belly soft jiggles his is
Starting point is 01:00:30 really really hard jiggles it's so massive it hangs so much that dude's back has to be in horrific pain he's walking around with like a 200 pound stomach it's crazy
Starting point is 01:00:46 even my little belly I'm always tucking it into pants trying to conceal it I'm always wearing girdles and spanks I hate the feeling I'm always tucked in by the way somebody told me that because we did it on a live episode
Starting point is 01:01:02 they thought they didn't know that I guess they didn't hear it or whatever but the party pooper that clip is on there right? about Jennifer being a party pooper I work some hours and an office you know
Starting point is 01:01:18 and to groups of people they are talking about Jennifer a colleague oh I tell you Jennifer she is really a party pooper
Starting point is 01:01:38 really? Jennifer poops at parties so she poops at parties so and people know this I poop at parties I poop at parties
Starting point is 01:01:56 but people don't know because I close the door we have this on the site yes peoples and then he has another video daddy long legs he doesn't like that name stupid name what this is was daddy long legs
Starting point is 01:02:14 I have been learning some in America with insectings with cockroaches and ants you know ants and ants that is easy because there is only two possibilities with this guy is that it is genuine or he is brilliant this is like all on purpose
Starting point is 01:02:30 do you think it is on purpose? I studied German in college not to brag barely got by because it is an extremely difficult language and listening to how he talks the peoples he is obviously really a German person the way that he is talking
Starting point is 01:02:46 but he could be a funny guy I think he is hamming it up I think he knows that Jennifer doesn't poop at parties but it is adorable how he talks about it people are okay with this it is very funny daddy long legs
Starting point is 01:03:02 I like you party pooper daddy long legs this is our submission I haven't heard it actually so I don't know if this is a real good one or not but here we go he is going to count records and he is going to step down
Starting point is 01:03:22 talking about that I don't know what the fuck he is talking about that is why they call it black salami you are an angry one you are an angry one talking about you are a rotten part talking about rotten part
Starting point is 01:03:46 that is the good one that was bad it was hard nigga had a lot of problems nigga made it out nigga had a lot of problems with the lord you can now order
Starting point is 01:04:02 you can count YAs you can count these jizz you can do all that he would say you are saying all in the same that is what is really cool you are free in the same sentence you feel me talking about
Starting point is 01:04:18 all at the same time that is a new level setting a new standard you know what he sounds like when he talks it just sounds like he is going seriously I can't understand what he is saying bitch bitch
Starting point is 01:04:48 jeez that is pretty that is a lot up there it incorporates it is a buffet of you know what I am saying you know what I mean yeah this dude
Starting point is 01:05:06 it is a poo poo platter this dude has a lot of stories up there you know what I am saying let's see what he I am like you know what I am saying is this it right here I feel like we have actually
Starting point is 01:05:22 I recognize this dude's voice I am talking about I am talking about you know what it is he sent in a really low quality audio this is it with better audio I am talking about I am talking about
Starting point is 01:05:38 YAs to the penitentiary the county did all that so I am talking about you coming here but now I think I am at it out now I think I am doing the same now it is time to get that money I am talking about so that is him
Starting point is 01:05:54 that is his music though oh he is a rapper he goes by half ounce yeah I am talking about I am talking about 99 but like I said
Starting point is 01:06:18 I had a gang of bump ins with the law you know what I mean I keep them 1000 I mean they were there for 4 minutes I had some bump ins with the law right you know what I have never had bump ins with the law
Starting point is 01:06:34 you know I got arrested for some bullshit you know what I mean that is yours wait a minute you mean you may have provoked the arrest I am talking about you but now
Starting point is 01:06:50 that is my new favorite thing is to say all those at the same time can we hear that you know what I mean he did a triple crown so that is slow slow the gang I am talking about you
Starting point is 01:07:06 you know what I mean wait a minute you know what I mean you know what I mean that is what he says you know what I mean slow me down slow the gang
Starting point is 01:07:22 I am talking about you but now that is crazy now I am I am not going back now it is my time to shine for a possession of a loaded stolen fire
Starting point is 01:07:38 for a possession of a loaded fire that is some bullshit I dealt with for a possession of a loaded stolen fire I have not been there for a couple more things I have not been there for gang but I am not going to speak on this
Starting point is 01:07:54 I am not going to speak on all that right now this is insane this is going to take a long time to break down it is weird that he got arrested for that most of the time you can just carry a load of weapon around people people like that that is crazy
Starting point is 01:08:12 maybe we should save him for the next episode it is too much to wind down with it is only smells it is only smells it is only smells it is only smells it is only smells speaking of your farts have been horrific
Starting point is 01:08:30 I will give it to you last night thank God you did not give me too much grief over it that was a bad one that heater that I let when I got in bed and I was all fucking out of my wine that was bad
Starting point is 01:08:46 the dog got out from under the blankets even that was bad let's go make some dinner let's go drink some wine I love you let's get stoned Tom I am still stoned from last night thank you Joey Diaz
Starting point is 01:09:02 you can listen to that episode it is the church of what is happening now episode 207 is this him bring me one of those thank you I know it is all death you have the Cuban beer
Starting point is 01:09:18 if you took out from Brinley you wouldn't think about who you are it improves it makes you the best you can fucking beat if you are a kid and you want to go back to college you want to read you want to stay up all night you don't have to take meth like the rest of these jerks
Starting point is 01:09:34 take some alpha brain alpha brain will make you fucking focus I am telling you two alpha brains you are up and fucking hopping in fact my alpha brain cycle starts again on Monday after the surgery because I am home for four weeks I got to write a bunch of material so I am going to focus
Starting point is 01:09:50 you know what go to honet.com and look at everything they got they got something for you whether it is fucking new moon, shroom tech whether it is the fucking enzymes or mango enzymes whether it is a thing that you go like that and you get your muscles they got kettle bells
Starting point is 01:10:06 what is your code word go to honet and once it code word church and get 10% off while you are there stay on it get it sent to your house on the first like a real human being you got to go to store and order it first time you sign up for stay on it
Starting point is 01:10:22 in the box church like a bad motherfucker that you are C-H you are C-H also a shout out to some of my fucking best I love you cocksuckers hulu plus you can watch hulu plus anytime anywhere $7.99 a month
Starting point is 01:10:38 you are saying Joey how is that possible $7.99 a month you can watch on any streaming fucking device that you want you understand me on smart tv Roku, Apple, Xbox pretty much any games you fucking watching hulu plus that is how we work
Starting point is 01:10:54 listen if you watch a commercial with hulu plus they are going to give you what league they are going to give you 2 weeks that is it Uncle Joey we go a step further here on the church what is happening now if you put Joey in the box you get 2 weeks for free and $7.99 a fucking month
Starting point is 01:11:10 so fuck the $7.99 a month they ain't doing any favors when you run with Uncle Joey you get 2 weeks for free huluplus.com they don't fuck around smart tv roku I'm stoned out of my mind listening to him go hulu fucking plus
Starting point is 01:11:28 he did that when I was on the show it's so crazy it made me laugh so hard doesn't he have to send air checks to the sponsors I think they realize who they are dealing with and they are like just let them do it Chuck Woolery has got to run for his money here on these grades yeah absolutely
Starting point is 01:11:44 we got to run we love you thank you to Felix for the cops are bald and shit remix we'll go out on this and we'll see you soon bye fuck the cops they're bald and shit they're fucking bald and shit
Starting point is 01:12:22 cops are fucking bald man they're fucking bald and shit fuck the cops are fucking bald I think he's fucking bald the homies are not fucking bald they always have shit too of course nice show the look man get in the ball head
Starting point is 01:12:38 go tee homes have your socks pulled up their cumbers of course your shorts your dicky shorts I do it like this at 46 yeah fucking cops are fucking bald

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