Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 252-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 3, 2014

Don't yank your snot in another seaman's towel! It's rude and disgusting and now we got two guys on Night Watch to make sure no one else does it, Master Seargent. Little Doggy Jeans AKA Feefo AKA Theo Huxtable AKA The Hardest playa on the block ate tin foil. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that he is not a "Very smart person." He is, in fact, a dog. In this, The "Forgotten "Episode" we recap how our dog scared us and made us rush all over the city worried sick about our sick dog. We were so worried that we forgot to upload this ep in our mad rush to catch a flight. Desperate salesmen are like friends - They're the WORST!!!  Plus we talk about LEASE-A-CAR Acting Studios, Dental Updates and more. We'll never forget our Jeans behind again! 

All right, so here it is. This is this is the infamous I forgot it at home episode and what I was going to do was Go back into it and cut out because it this was Friday's episode. Yes, and I was gonna cut out everything Talking about how you know when we did that day and why we were late No, no, no, I was gonna cut out the stuff at the top room like I'm in Denver tonight and it's for Friday Sure last Friday now, but I just decided I think we'll just leave it as is and just tell you This was this was done In a furious rush. We had we'll let the episode play as you can hear everything that went on Yeah, but basically we were really really rushed and then in being so rushed as soon as we were done

Recording this episode We were grabbing our stuff to make sure we had everything to go to the airport and then in the car about 10 minutes Just far enough to not be able to turn around just far enough to not be I go. Oh, I forgot it Which is weird because I was in the shower taking my quick two-minute shower and I thought to myself Oh, I should really remind him Billy. Did you pick up? Did you make sure to put it on the drive? And I didn't even actually have enough done to it to like it would have been different if I had left it Prepped and maybe we could have accessed it remotely, but it wasn't even Listen, it just it is what it is. It happened. I think the mommies forgive you

They were there a lot. I got a lot of accusations of low genes and loose genes and genes around my ankles and I don't get to wear denim anymore like a lot of stuff was well you have to understand that it's because they're passionate and You know, we pride ourselves on our jeans being the highest on being the tightest and listen, we messed up Yeah, we messed up, but just know that our intentions were pure our denim Our denim was as high as it could be that day and you know, unfortunately wasn't high enough. Yeah, we tried. Yeah We we really tried You know and that's by the way. By the way, that's why the episode is a little short a few minutes short

Because I had a shower I literally had a shower but we were you had to shower because we had to get in a car And go to the airport to catch a flight which was really fucking fun The whole flying experience. We'll talk about that on the next one. US air is going to get a glowing review from We'll talk about that on the next episode Well, anyways, enjoy this Really hurried the forgotten the for the last very special secret episode a lot happened that day And it was our priority to sit down and talk to you guys about it. Here is episode two 52. I believe

Of your mom's house the forgotten episode And here we go, here we go Now this is a crazy morning I'm super stressed out I'm so stressed and but jeans we had we're gonna tell you all about our crazy day But we had to get this episode done before we get on a plane in one hour That's how much we love you guys Um So, uh, it's friday. I'm in denver comedy works downtown two shows tonight and two shows tomorrow. That's it for denver

Please come out. It really is one of the best clubs in the world Um, and then I go to hong kong singapore and macau china Uh, a big show for us is september 18th at the fart lauderdale improv in fart lauderdale florida the Hard rock seaman hall casino the improv there That's tina and i's only show in south florida For the whole year. So please come if you're in the west palm area miami for lauderdale anywhere around there Uh, then following two weeks later. I'm in orlando at the improv. So please come and check out

The orlando shows and I've added a bunch of dates uh, minneapolis phoenix houston dallas Uh, new orleans and oklahoma city all available at tomcigura.com And we have some live podcasts that we're additionally doing too huge guys the podcast kicks off on october 9th We're starting in manfrin disco california at cobs comedy club get your tickets now on your mom's house podcast dot com Get them now now now because they will sell out Also moving on november 6. We are at the high line in seattle washington Also very busy mommy traffic get your tickets november 7th portland at the analog cafe

november 8 chicago illinois's at the empty bottle all at your mom's house podcast dot com also check out our website I put up the clips of Cops are fucking bald is that fucking bald and shit the fisherman guy with his silly hooks My hook sets are the shit Everything else also if you do your shopping on mom's on dot com which look if you're a part of 2014 You do that bros Who goes to the store? Just wait a few days. It'll be at your house

Use our banner pretty pretty please go to your mom's house podcast dot com on the home page There is an amazon banner click on it and you do all your shopping link. You normally would there's there's no rub I just give some money to your mom's Your mom needs money your mom has to pay for things mom has to pay for microphones and dog food I got all the dog food from mom is on. Um, I got a yoga mat just recently I got I bought like a little seven dollar necklace I got all kinds of shit You got all kinds of shit. Listen to you. Look at me mommy. I got all kinds of shit

All right, you ready to do this. Oh my goodness. Let's get into this today Right now Where's my first plus is raise your hands? Okay Get the fucking word out the next time I hear somebody jacking off and somebody's towel because it's happening It's happening a lot and I'm fucking fed up with it and I will go fucking high and right on this shit We're about to have two fucking watch standards 24 hours a day in every fucking aisle wearing little fucking guard belts And your watch and your flashlight to make sure that somebody's not jacking off and somebody else's towel Got it

Don't bring anyone loving to this Welcome Oh Hit that drum hard. Yeah Jesus christ. What a day. What the fuck? I'll admit. I didn't want to do this I was very stressed out. I said, let's just not do an episode but this morning has been Halacious, so here's our plan guys. So we pre-record these obviously we were planning on both going to denver Just so people know

Two episodes a week is a lot Okay, you know for us. Yeah, I mean like You but I think a lot of episodes do one a week. That's kind of the standard Well, those those podcasts are slackers. They don't give a shit about them. I'm just saying that we go Fucking above and beyond. Yeah two episodes a week is something that we don't fuck around like we only missed it once or twice and We're getting on a plane here. We're going to leave here in less than an hour now And I haven't showered yet. I just packed the whole plan was that we were fine. We're getting up around nine

And that we had basically about four or five hours to do an episode, which is Probably we can pack we can do our episode and then everything's fine. He's really breakfast. Maybe make sweet love But we got a little wake-up call this morning Yeah, so I'm laying on the bed and thief who sleeps on the bed with us Every morning we wake up together. I pet his little head and we have a nice family cuddle And I noticed he wasn't really interested in being pet, which is not like him So he crouches to the end of the bed and starts shaking and I'm like, oh no He's gonna barf

So I put him down on the ground and of course he goes for tom's shoes He pukes all over your shoes And I see that there's something in it But I'm like, oh this could be dust from because it's literally literally in the corner too Well, there's a bunch of dust and I don't I pick it up and I'm just don't think about it So he's normal like he goes outside. He takes a huge piss He's up on the couch with me like we're I'm surfing I'm looking for clips for the show like we're pulling clips are going on with our day

We're getting ready to do the podcast And then Theo pukes again and this time Tom's like, what is that? And what do you pull out of it? Well, I I pick it up with a paper towel and then I rinse it off in the sink And it's mashed up Aluminum foil from a laughing cow cheese wrap. So like They sell these little triangles of cheese. You buy the whole circle of it, right? But they come out in little triangles and unwrap foil and there's cheese in there. So he obviously got his mouth on

An empty one because he likes to lick whatever's remaining, right? So he just ate the fucking aluminum foil well He actually seemed okay after that. Yeah, he's fine. But then you're like, well, what should we do? Like we're supposed to leave I mean How do we do this? So then we're like, oh, we should Call the his vet We called the vet uh that we go to that's actually not that I mean, it's not far 20 minutes 20 minutes because it's a better one than the one close right

So we call them and they're like, yeah, you could bring them in Bring them in sooner than later like that urgency thing and I'm like, oh shit We bring them in and they're like, yeah, I mean, we can't see him now But like just drop them off and then later and we're like, oh, we don't have time to do that So they're like, oh, then yeah, no, well to be specific the guy behind the counter We're like, we have to get on a plane like two o'clock. Is there anything? No I mean, it was that kind of cool. Yeah, like Can you call over to the other place that's closer to us? Well, like I have plane tickets and I have a hotel and like

You know, like is this gonna be able to be resolved? No Just it's total total laxadaisical sort of yeah Half asleep to just not not caring like my dog just barfed tin foil. Yeah, like it's not good I want to know like what's gonna. Yeah You can You can leave them here and then maybe later. Yeah Especially if a dog did eat something that could possibly obstruct its stomach or bells and as as volatile as tin foil You'd think it's kind of a priority that animal could die like okay, whatever so

So We raced back we took then we call another vet the original vet that we took theo too when we first got him when he was on death's door This woman's amazing But she also cost a fortune, which is why we don't go to her all the time. Yes, they're not regular They're the kind of vets office. We're like Immediately after the checkup Someone comes in with the credit card machine and they're like can we have payment now now and you're like, yeah, all right But she's so worried that

So we go we zoom back to this lady's office and at this time it's like 11 30 ish Yeah, and at this point basically The to the thing that we're gonna we don't know is whether like I have to go right you're working. I'm just keeping your company So at this point we go I should go back and pack because I haven't packed yet. No And uh worst-case scenario is that you're gonna stay behind and take care of them. Yeah, of course and that will cancel Your flight. So anyways, I drop you off. I run home and then what does the vet tell you? So then I'm waiting in the vet's office and like, you know how there's like we're we're pretty diligent

pet parents I would say that most people some people wouldn't drop everything and take their dog to the vet if a dog puked tin foil like for instance people like My father would be like a big fucking deal dog pukes all the time dog stomach is strong Who cares dog is fine. Ah, come on. Come on. Come on. He's fine So like I have that voice in the back of my head. But anyway, I'm sitting in the vet's Like a total nervous dog. Your dad would say that maybe if there was an open wound Yeah, no the dog could be bleak. Like that's fine dogs. Come on. It's a fucking dog. Dog is fine. Don't worry about

Like this doesn't even care So I'm sitting in the vet and there's this lunatic guy Lunatic they know this you didn't yeah So he comes in and he's got blue blockers on like he's one of those like neighbor hoodie types You know what I mean like distended belly Weird shorts blue. Yeah, there we go blue blockers And like his weird female friend who's also wearing blue blockers in the office and he's like

Yeah, I She's got the stones. We're gonna do the biopsy time referring to his Morbidly obese tiny dog like his dog should weigh about 12 pounds. It's bloated to I would say double that Like the way your guy's rocket dog was like rocket was like morbidly obese And you're like you can you tell that you don't really give a fuck about this Like if you cared about your dog, you wouldn't let it get to be it's just it's so angry anyway he's like

Heming and hawing about this dog's biopsy and the stones and it's gonna cost that 1500 dollars I don't I can't spend more than 1500 dollars And so I'm I'm in room two, right? I mean there's two two dog rooms I'm in room two and there's room one our doctor or vet is in room one helping Another client like client. I'm next in line and I have an hour To get out of here to get home to pack to do the podcast and to get out the door So I'm fucking like all right. I'm next right like I got a I got a plane I'm next right and I fucking hear this asshole in the waiting room being like, oh doctor

Can I talk to you? I got He's got the kidney stones and the thing and like asking her 20 questions And I poke my head out and I'm like I got a hello. Like I'm like tick tock Okay, I need this to happen now. I basically break out their conversation I'm like my dog ate tin foil. Damn it. Like I need an answer now And I do yes because I'm next to why is this asshole monopolizing my veterinarian's time and he's clearly mentally ill You know what? I mean, he's not a normal person. He's going to sit there all day in Yammer So I she comes into my room and she feels him and I'm like I think he got it all out because I know how big those rappers are

Who did the math? It's it's it's all out of him and she examined him and he looks fine. He feels fine He's acting fine. He just ate and he hasn't vomited. He's fine So we're we have the clean bill of health for Theo Huxtable. We're leaving him with this very capable Professional dog sitter not a friend. Yeah, not a friend. Why Peter because friends are the worst No, this guy that we leave Theo with friends are the fucking worst so professional And he's got orders to take him to the ER and murd like immediately if anything Yeah, well, he doesn't think anything's but he looks great. Theo's doing great But what a morning and now I came home. I just packed in like 10 minutes

I'm sure I didn't pack enough underwear. Yeah, and now we're doing the show What a fucking morning and I haven't showered. I haven't I barely brushed my teeth and then I have to get out of fight with you I'm just glad he's okay. I mean, I don't like to see my dog barf tinfoil. It's probably it's the most horrifying thing but that guy was was uh You know monopolizing the last time were you like I'll let everybody in here know that this man is rude And I'll be a jerk about it too Yeah, basically

basically How's that gonna tell you? Yeah, basically I was I'm like, you know what? This is my child. You're fucking with okay. This is my son My son needs medical attention motherfuckers. Don't you dare fight with me? Of course, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, so we're good. We're good to go and I I was like, it's okay if I leave him with a professional I'm feeling this horrible dog mom. She's totally fine. You're fine. Yeah, it's fine. I got her approval So I don't feel like a terrible dog parent. No, it's fine Yeah, but these dogs puke. Yeah, he looks fine. And you know, he started he lit up a cool like right after he vomited

and I'm like, whoa You know, he's yeah, she the doctor did say that he should slow down on the menthols on smoking It's bad for his little lungs. He shouldn't be smoking He doesn't he shouldn't and the henny he should be cutting back on henny She's like dogs don't drink hennessy. They drink beer mostly if you could switch them to beer wine I've offered him beer a hundred times and he always says that's some lame poodle shit every time I put it in his In his bucket. He says, yeah, that's lame poodle shit. Yeah, I'm like, all right Yeah, he says give me the real shit. And so I pulled the hennessy he drinks a fucking pint in like 30 seconds

It's crazy. Yeah, he thinks it's for bougie ass dogs is what to quote theo Jesus man, you know, and we took him to this bougie doctor. This is this is why we don't go to her all the time She's real fucking bougie. And he was you know, he flips him out of tune. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah He was a little bit like, oh, yo white motherfuckers and I'm like, don't call them white motherfuckers. They're trying to help I'm trying to help you. I know you got with him. It's like It's always something, you know, like he he really does have Disdain for Yeah

The bougie-ness. Yeah, well just for white people and I don't I don't blame him You know, I don't really like white people all the time either more ridiculous Yeah um So any hoodles that's it. That's our day and we're gonna we're gonna move forward We're gonna go to denver everything's gonna be great You're gonna come chill denver with me. I'm excited to do that. Yeah

Well, because like I I'm writing stuff right now. I can write stuff in your hotel in the hotel room. I can Do things I'm sure you can write. I um, I swung on the swing set today and then I made a sand castle You could write that anywhere. I made a sand castle. Yeah. Is that what you think you're right? I don't know. Um, you know green is my favorite color. We can write that anywhere green is my favorite color You know what I'm worried about. I didn't shit Oh, you're gonna have to shit today I drank that coffee. I got all cranked up. I was pulling clips and then we took theo to the vet and I haven't shit yet What's up with this uh jacking off navy clip?

This was sent to a spy gentleman. It's just like the audio file. It's so it's like a legitimate navy chastising of somebody in this, uh Brigade or whatever they call it. Yeah is jacking off this troop in people's towels. Hey get the word out Where's my first plus is raise your hands? Okay. No, this is gonna We played the tea. This is the full clip now The next time I hear somebody jacking off in somebody's towel because it's happening It's happening a lot and I'm fucking fed up with it and I will go fucking high and right on this shit

I like high and right High and right is like it feels like a little a version of like tighten up world Tighten up world high and right. Yeah, I like it too We're about to have two fucking watch standards 24 hours a day in every fucking aisle wearing little fucking guard belts And your watch and your flashlight to make sure that somebody's not jacking off and somebody else's towel Got it I will fucking do that. That'll be effective today the next time somebody jacks off at somebody else's towel Yeah, that fucking is pretty disgusting

It's on I've been in the name of 20 fucking years I've never imagined this shit The jacker is the jacker is in that room right now too. Yeah, that's the funny thing is the jacker knows He's feeling the sweat right now On his back like shit Amazing And I know it's only one of you. Okay. I know it's only one of you. I know fucking out of the

70 fucking six people a little how many people You 80 people out of 80 people 17 nine of you I don't know what the fuck i'm talking about, but you need to know about it This is gonna affect you Because somebody in this burden is jacking off at somebody's towel somebody in this what brother Brigade bro, dude. He said somebody in this burner

You probably ask yourself, how do you know if someone did that challenge jacked off me? I have a fucking towel Unless an elephant sneezes in the fucking It's not Unless an elephant sneezes in the fucker it's come You think the jacker's the one recording like he's like this speech is awesome Maybe I mean somebody likes the thrill of jerking into someone else's and getting chastised apparently Yeah, like the I think being being chastised is the whole

thrill It's the fun part. Yeah, you you like to be Told that you shouldn't be doing what you did That's the whole thrill. It's like wasn't a thing about the The guy remember the whole thing about the guy jerking off In public is uh, isn't that like a the public thing the thrill is to horrify whoever catches him So if you see a public jerker, don't go. Oh my god, like don't freak out. Just start laughing laughing point

Laugh and laugh to if they want you to be horrified. Yeah So this would fall into that 100% for sure. Yeah, he wants to jerk off in this right now right now. He's got, um He's got A hard on listening to this speech. Hey, they're my used panty slave You just love my pussy and ass smell. Oh my god And flavors don't you? Can you get these bathing soup bottoms? I know what you're gonna do with them

Oh You will deeply inhale my fragrance As you stroke your puny fucking cock. There you go Wow, there you go. Wow Can I tell you that uh, I don't here's my here's my other theory on this clip It may not be a perversion It might just be that this guy was lazy and reached for some other guy's towel But if it's happened more than once it's not it's a reoccurring incident

It sounds like it sounds like there's a guy jerking off in towels. Like it's not like hey, this one thing happened That's what it feels like to me It's fucking disgusting. So that's what I want to do because I owe you guys a fucking Environment you don't have to worry about some fucking dumbass going over there jacking off in your shit I'll fucking post a fucking watch With a flashlight In a watch belt and what happened what in the first class is coming to watch before that You know what they should hire to do that the dick detectives

Yeah, or just like Like a cop cops are all bald in the shit You know Yeah, but they're bald, babe. They can't fucking bald in the shit. They can't so the next time it fucking happens That's what's happening. Just let you know So you guys need to do a little uh Heart to heart down here figure out what the fuck is going on lost my goddamn mind At least four times guys. Oh, there you go four times

Yeah Four times What a terrible problem now having a job, huh? Yeah, some guys jacking in your shit. That's horrible Well, there's been news stories about the work. What's way worse way worse the guy Why things about good way worse her is a guy who was jerking off in like um people's yogurt at work. Yes Everyone they ate their yogurt and they're like, ah, this tastes like cum The guy was like, yeah Wait, but yogurt cum sealed

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but he would unpeel it and then you know seal it back drop his load in your yogurt Seal it with with cum You eat his load Can I tell you that as someone that's worked in the food industry like It's actually fairly hard to fuck with people's food in restaurants like especially if it's really busy There's just so many people around you in the kitchen at least in restaurants. I've worked at but there is that fear like How many people are jerking off into my food? Someone's done it to you, which is horrible. It's a horrible to think about but everything has been done. Everything's been done to you

Yeah, it's absolutely the worst thing in the world to imagine, but it's true It's true. Um, we can fight clubby peed in the suit Yeah Jesus It's pretty foul um I also didn't mention that I forgot the other episode The affiliates we can somebody gave me a big daddy kane t-shirt. I want to say thank you. It's genius

It's big daddy kane saying Sub Tom That's a rad. It's so cool. I actually really want to do shirts like that now I know it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's a great idea. Yeah Yeah, we might have licensing issues with his image and likeness We should set up a message though, right? I sent him the one that they sent me that they gave me Oh, you did? Yeah, he loved it. Was he like, let's hang out again. I'll rape your sister What the fuck what?

Jesus don't say that. Oh, that's my that's your other celebrity friends You still think that's a funny funny joke Tom. I think it's a funny joke. Yeah, of course But it's not, you know, they didn't say I said it. Yeah I said it that it'd be fun. It'd be amusing if that happened If Mike Tyson, which sister Jane. Yeah, not Maria. She's too valuable to the show Jane Jane would uh, she would totally have sex with him. Oh my god, seriously. Yes. I think you would Jane. Oh my god You guys are so disgusting Oh my god, oh my god, can I tell you what I did? Well, you know what I did they don't know what I did

Remember we went to the mall Two days ago meet me at the mall It's going down We were at the mall and uh to buy you some new dick shorts For your fucking hold on one second. I got a fucking repeat call right now from charo. Let me pause this. Oh, sorry Yeah, that was my mommy mommy jeans called you charo. Yeah, she never calls twice. That's why I took it And of course it wasn't serious was an emergency. No, but what were you just talking about though? I am. Oh, so we were at the mall at going down to get you some new bathing suit shorts for the crews

We're going on dick shorts. That's right. Because the last two swimsuits you've had have been disasters the first swimsuit being Not a swimsuit, but athletic shorts, right that's just hug your nuts and junk and the other one was completely 100% see-through in dominican republic. Yes, like you can see hair. You can see veins Yeah, that was the fucking craziest one, bro. I could see Your dick just twitch Because your dick was fucking bald and shit Fucking bald ass Fucking dick. Do you shave your dick and shit, man? After all bald and shit

Now i'm fucking bald and shit fucking cows are fucking bald One more fucking faded So so we're going to the mall And uh, we're I go to h&m. Here's where I shop when I do shop. I don't like to fucking spend money on clothes Okay, this is america. This is what I learned from my immigrant family. There's things in america that are cheap Uh, then you spend your money on housing Right your home and your car Everything else is cheap food's cheap in america clothing is cheap in america. I shop at h&m forever 21

The gap on sale only an old navy on there by the way the gap always advertises Something that's at least 40 off. Yeah, there's all their signs are always like shit is 40 to 70 off year round It's like is there's There's never a time when they're not advertising a massive sale Oh, I love it and I I usually don't go into a mall ever I haven't sent to the house because I hate shopping Point of story is I was on my way to h&m and I passed by the candy shop And I haven't done this in a long time, but I broke down what charo

Oh for fuck's sake My shirt smells like barf Yeah, I got 30 ish. I we're recording right now. Oh for real. Yeah, because I got so I haven't showered my yeah Yeah, man. Okay. So I'm at the candy store, which I haven't done since I was oh a teenager because I Teeth are too expensive to fuck with candy. Yeah, I broke down And I bought an entire pound Of sour belts Assorted belts and straws because those are my absolute. I saw you with them. Oh my god

I ate like a frantic animal as I as many my tongue was numb I kept going and I went to meet you in the men's department of macy's Yeah, I was ganked out of my mind on sugar I guess who else was ganked out of their mind who your sales representative You said you thought he was fucking crazy. He was tweaking and he what did he not have? He had no eyebrows. That's a good sign. Usually, right? That's a sign of a tweaker. Yeah, the thinner the eyebrows My the other guy's sale. Yeah. Oh, yeah, there's the other dude. Here's what I gotta tell you I have empathy for people in different jobs and yes, I get it. But one thing that I have it's like a

Instinctive reaction as I respond poorly to the Any aggressive sales source the desperation of it like here's what I'm saying you walk into a clothing store And I get it at first sounds like it's sort of something you're looking for something that can help you find Um, and I go no or or yes, but in this case I go no, I'm just looking Okay, let me know if you need any help. Okay, thanks Like that is cool. And then it's like leave me alone. Um, so you're walking there four different people do it I know then the guy goes, um, he sees me holding I hate when they when you're holding one shirt and he goes you mean to put that down for you

Let me know Start a room for you or I could put it here at the counter and I go no, I'm fine because I'm holding it Yeah, I got it. This is what God gave me these two hands for and I'm not holding 20 of them I'm holding a shirt And he's like, uh, do you want me to I then you start to feel that like he's just desperate for the sale They force them to they teach them like that. I know it's it's so like it just it unnerving to me And so I'm like, no that then I start to become more defensive with it Like I don't want you. Yeah fucking bother me

And I walk back to fit is that open back? Let me get a key for you. I go it's open and he comes back Oh, it's open. I go. Yeah, that's what I just I just said. It's open Okay, um, this is the first guy or the second guy the first guy and then like Uh, every two everything all right in there. I'm like, um, Jesus christ No, we're fine. Yeah Everything fit I go. No, this one doesn't fit. Do you have anything bigger? Let me go check for you He comes back now, but I'm anything bigger. I'm like, well, I'm not getting that one. I guess and then

You know, I walk out. Okay. And then the other guy Tweaker tweaker came and was like, I forgot why he got involved I think because he's motivated. No, he saw me looking for us. That's right I went back out there to look for a different shirt. We're trying to find a different color in that one that you like and then he was like Yeah, he's like, give me these four shirts and I'll go find all the sizes you want and then He came over and was like basically told the dude to take a hike is what I found He was like, let me give you some advice when a customer's looking for a shirt

And then just stole his shit. Well, yeah, and also he kept um fidgeting and like like fumbling to find Objects everywhere under the desk and stuff and then and then I wanted you Get those pants tailored and then he I'll call the tailor right now And then he came back and he's like, what's his name? I'm like, it's tom. What's his phone number? Yeah, he goes he goes. I took the initiative. Hope you didn't mind. I got all your permission from your wife and I was like, that's fine You know, I've those poor salespeople though. I know that they they they grilled them hard to do that That's that's the company telling them to

Ask the customer. I remember when I worked in retail, I worked the Broadway in high school It doesn't exist anymore and now it's more Macy's right, right? Yeah They say you have to greet the customer Within 30 seconds of the customer being there you have to say hi Like may I help you? My name is blah blah blah if you should need any help May I start a fitting room for you? It's the worst man I remember like five or six years ago when I was going to lisa car And what's lisa car? What's lisa car? What does that mean? Oh lisa car. I thought it was an acting studio

Oh to lease a car. Yeah Wow, lisa car you bunched those words together. You're not a professional broadcaster. Yeah, okay, and like chuck warwick Please you fucking out of your mind you better get your life so I'm going and I love cars. So to me the thrill was actually to find lease deals on 20 cars and compare them. So I was going to every place I remember That when I would tell them that I'm just shopping like how How different people I would be like I'm not leasing a car today. Yeah, I'm shopping and some guys were so

aggressive And so like what about if right now if I can get you this Will you walk out the door with that car? And I was like, no, I won't I'm not leaving here with a car But and I'm like, dude, I'm shopping today only You know who was the coolest about it? A Mercedes dealership not that I could have even released But I went in there anyways because I just love cars and I go

Hey, I'm just looking I want to know and the guy was like, oh, yeah, sure and then He looked showed me the car. He was like, yeah, these are kind of the numbers And then he gave me his car and he was like, yeah, when you're ready to do anything, you know Just give me a call and I was like, you know, if I could come back here. This is where I would come Yeah, because the hard sell it's repellent. Oh my god And I feel so poorly I feel so bad for salespeople because I I know I just I know how they make you do that crap The least favorite when I oh my god when I was a waitress at a french restaurant and I suck all those dicks in the back I sucked so many dicks on that job. Oh man, there I am. That's audio of me

Yeah, okay So I remember they made us do this thing where you go to the table And then when they ask for water the upsell on water Yeah, would you like bottled or still bought or bottled or tap water? Yeah, I just and like nine times out of 10 the people looked at me like bitch Are you out of your fucking mind? Well, the guy by the way looked at us like that when we went to that restaurant the other day Come on. No the first thing he said he goes, okay some water uh flat

Sparkling or tap water. Yeah, and we go. I don't care. LA's finest. Yeah, he goes tap water then That's what he said. He said it like I'm sure you want that right like you hail billies You guys want me to you know cut your jean shorts You don't mean it so it's going to be tap water then cut that he said it like he repeated it So like you know humiliate us. Well because it's those upsells that make your tip better It's always alcohol upsells and whenever I remember as a waitress whenever somebody asked the damn waitress What the best thing on the menu is I know that that bitch is just saying the most expensive dish because you know what? That's what I fucking did when I was a waitress. Yeah, so I never believed them

I always would recommend people be like, what's the best thing? I'm like, oh fucking duck. That's delicious duck is 40 dollars Would you go fucking duck, man? Fucking ducks are fucking bald Bro fucking bro fucking bald and shit I would tell people straight up to I'm like that fucking sucks. Don't order that really don't order that for sure Because you know, they're just gonna send it back Dude, then you know, then you look like a jackoff because you didn't tell them it sucked Fucking jackoff and shit

We got a dental update first of all, I gotta tell you I uh I need to use my whitening gel again for I've been telling you this Why don't you stay on top of your I tell you all that you're my spouse You're supposed to fucking really take your teeth are as yellow as these posters Oh shush as the stevie poster your your buttery yellow ugly teeth And they're jagged like gollums teeth Holy shit, we got did you have them file them into gollum teeth like that?

Jesus christ. Look at our son sleeping. We have two that came in significant ones Hi, Christina and the main mommy tom. Did you hear that? I did. I'm just making sure Theo's breathing Okay, go ahead. Can I do this? He's twitching. Do we need to stop? Can I touch him? I just want to make sure he's all my god. You're the worst. No, he's my son. I why am I in the worst? Just No, I'm not reading it. You're just What are you doing? Of course. He's fine I'm a nurse mother

Why I mean he just a tin foil for fuck's sake. He vomited tin foil. Yeah, I know but I'm just You're gonna be such a bad parent. It's obvious. I don't like when you say that when we have kids I'm gonna be the number one part the our kids are gonna go. You're the main mommy dad who? Go ahead I'm sorry. I don't mean that tom. I don't mean that at all. You're an amazing dog dad You're the best dad ever All right, we're back. I had to straighten you out. Oh my god. Don't say that Um, we're back now

Uh, first of all, I want to tell you something When my fucking we're sitting there watching A show and we're sitting on the couch. Yeah, and we're just sitting there. Why don't you? Be a spouse and say right now press pause and Let's fucking get some whitening gel in these trays for you Because I mean you have these fucking. Oh my god, Steve Harvey's in your mouth. They look crazy. I don't want teeth like that You're the first person. I just want to go

They're not Steve Harvey's you have big donkey billboard. Did I ever tell the Steve Harvey story on this show? I'm sure you have Yeah, he has he has been here in case you haven't guessed he has Huge veneer like yours and they popped out and when he was eating a chicken wing One did one did and he flew to his dentist in Atlanta to get a I'm sorry from new york city to houston private private to get his to get his veneer fixed which I would too I would too. So let me be in my fifth base right now. The point of the story is tom Tom why did my veneer fall out bear mate? I I'm on constant bear maintenance. First of all I have to make sure my bear is fed so at night. I'm always feeding you

I'm making sure that we have good dinners and stuff and make sure that you're comfortable and make sure that you're happy Thank you. I milk you and now I have to whiten your teeth. Yeah spouse spousal support I tighten your dew rag. I braid your hair I grease your scalp Please and this is the thanks I get all I'm saying is that I could use your help. That's it All right back to dental updates You You're so demanding and all I

All I ask Is head scratches. What did I say that I gave you last night? I know I brought in all your dvds The heavy ass boxes and I I said I demand two hours of scratches. You gave me seven minutes pitiful pitiful the worst Hi Christina and the main mommy tom rude Just thought I should share my dental update with you before going to the dentist. I hadn't been for about 16 years

Not that wrong really is it So you can imagine what I may be in for once I eventually went I was probably never going to go If not for the whole left side of my face was in agony As a smart person I left it and took painkillers This went on for about a month before my wife got pissed off with my constant whining So she booked me to see the dentist I have attached a photo of what they were were to do and how much it costs I'm not sure how much how it works in the u.s. But I'm in mom's Australia

I don't have health insurance. So I have to pay for my out of my own pocket So basically I would need a root canal a wisdom tooth taken out Fixed my old silver fillings because they have cracked and several other things. I don't want to know about um As all good people with dental problems know To do is pull your jorts up Up so high over your mouth and forget about it So I did that was a year ago. Oh, no, I haven't done anything about it

I know the tooth is dead, which means it needs a root canal, but I'm ignoring it as you do Keep your genes high and talk some shit. You want to talk some shit? No, don't ignore it P. S australian money and u.s. Dollar about the same amount at the moment. So the price The same over so he's got his um, he attached a photo Of what they want to do and what it costs. Shit. So professional clean of fluoride 160 bucks three tooth restorations um

625 each or total that's an arm. Sorry. That's for one. That's uh, no, no, that's that's for a total of three Okay, but that's an r.h.s. Which I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is Then l.h.s restorations 380 then extraction of the wisdom tooth 490 um root canal left upper hand side 1143 crown on 1980 Holy shit So we're looking at two three grand

3,500 4,000 yeah, we're talking like around 5,000 I think fuck You're fucked might Man, you got to do it though. You got to budget figure it out. Get a credit card You know the problem is you can't let those teeth right out of your head. My man. Yeah, it's it's really really crucial Take care of your teeth. You can't just be pulling them out No, you can't because you know what the problem is you pull them out. You got to replace them with implants and shit, so You got to do it kid

Fuck I am so sorry, buddy Yeah, my heart goes out to you. That sucks, buddy mom, australia um rough You want to know we got another one? Oh wait before I make uh, may I say this to you sir? Uh, sir. Am I in america? I don't know if they do it in mom, australia We have dental schools that you can go to and the students will work on your teeth for Like a fraction of the cost if you're so if you want to get the major stuff done by your professional dentist And the minor stuff done by students that might be a solution for you. So look into that. Yeah, okay

um So check it out. Uh, hey, mommies I have a hell of a dental update for you guys is another one When my adult teeth came in they had no enamel at all. I read this one This is the one I was telling you about. Oh, yeah, so no matter how well I took care of my teeth My dentist told me from the gecko. I was bound to have some serious problems I'm 23 now. So all this happened about 10 years ago since then I've gotten At least one cavity in all but four of my teeth

The worst of it was not over though. I now have 21 crowns Some more bridges were a tooth It's beyond saving was pulled And a crown covering the empty space and the two on either side is placed in wow About to have four. What is that luminaires? Yeah adding up to all of my teeth Oh luminaires to cover all of them. If you have no enamel you have to do that All of my teeth are in quotes fake all said and done I have a Ferrari in my mouth for the dental work. I have had since I was young

And in two weeks, I'll have perfect teeth for the first time in my life Has been a long and painful battle, but I'm almost done It's very I'm very touched by this congratulations You know because if your teeth are messed up It really affects everything it affects your emotions because you're not smiling It affects your self-esteem and everything and I'm I'm so glad you did that You know who else has this enamel problem? Is the Christchers

Bert yeah, and it's one of his sisters and one of their daughters inherited that All right, and that that is a mother fucker. Well when he smiles, it's like fucking, you know, I must you are No, I know but like I yeah, but when silver when yeah when when Bert smiles. It's like fucking young jeezy smile So many different tools that flare off in his mouth. I know you know that life of the party book cover Oh, you could tell that they the photo shot the fuck out of those teeth If they didn't people would be like is this about a fucking meth addict like who's Trying to get his shit together All of his they're all silver fucked up man poor Bert's. Yeah, the Bert's got it

um So anyways, what you know about that you gotta be in charge of getting my shit, right? Okay. Yeah, I'm gonna help you I'll I'll help you you're gonna help me. I'll help you Oh, we have the song to play That's theosong. This is amazing. Let's let's play this and we'll talk about it and then we'll we'll talk guys Sorry, I'm sorry. We have to wrap it up a little sooner because I haven't even showered. I have to get on a plane here And uh, we gotta take care of everything. We're still kind of up in the air here. Yeah, yeah Sorry, but we're gonna give you this theosong that you're gonna love this theosong is an already

I cannot believe what this guy did. I cannot believe this I'm just gonna play it for you. It's from obi one cannoli Haha, shut up. That's awesome. Yeah. Um, so funny the amount of work that I imagined that went into this is just Blowing my mind So this is a theo jam part deuces. Here we go I've been spoken like a mother for a while I run la basically south of the 10th Feed me sandwiches

Pets all the time Balls licked Get some barbecue I'm theo all goddamn day Run the shit south of the 10th 10 times 10 with your ass on the end From the hundreds black to the world Vodka

G, I don't play around these parts, you know what I'm saying Please run the shit south of the 10th 10 times 10 with your ass on the end From the hundreds black to the world Vodka G, I don't play around these parts, you know what I'm saying I'm a wild animal I stab you in your sleep

Get your ass out of my face Respect my privacy I don't feel nothing I get what I need I'm a wheeler, I'm a dealer Scythe and gas from your jeep I've been outside You ain't shit

I piss the shit where I want You better not forget that Goddamn y'all lazy I never stop hustling Give me something to get something They gotta pay up You could get kidnapped You're under my care

Better show mother fuckers respect Uh, yeah Of course not a little bit New corvettes what I do is what I do and do Oh shit You could not disrespect me Could not Uh, what is

Mother fuckers black Like pineapples and big apples Just get your shit done 24 was sailing Who's number one These run the shit south of the 10th 10 times 10 with your ass on the end From the hundreds black to the world

Vodka G, I don't play around these parts, you know what I'm saying These run the shit south of the 10th 10 times 10 with your ass on the end From the hundreds black to the world Vodka G, I don't play around these parts, you know what I'm saying I didn't live outside for three years

I mean, do you realize what this guy did? Do you realize what he did? He's stepping up the game He's pieced together everything you said into rhymes And made it run Not just like, uh, here's stuff you said And, and like, you know, just like make a mash-up He made it rhyme

Right He found this word rhymes with this word I cannot fucking I didn't even hear that That's so crazy It's amazing It's amazing That's so crazy

It's amazing It's, it's got like the cadence Like he made you rap On beat It's crazy Yeah And rhyme This is the equivalent of like anybody just giving

I'm sorry, not you Theo He made Theo But I was saying this is like the equivalent of anybody just had given speeches Over the years, let's say And then you just, you picked out speeches that they made Put music under it And made things that they said in their speeches Rhymed together

Into a song It's crazy Bananas I'm blown away by this Me too The amount of work and effort and thought is like beyond This would take me two years to do I can't, I want to know how long this took

Because I imagine it took a long time Yeah bro, write us, write us and let us know what went into the making of this Theo song I'm going to play it again right now It's so good And then look, we apologize to this is a short episode But we've got to get our shit together and go to the airport So Hold on, this is the guy, let's give this guy a

It's Obi-Wan Kenobi Obi-Wan Kenobi Oh sorry, sorry, sorry, just making shit, okay Amazing, thank you Yeah, Obi-Wan Kenoli, thank you You get in the shower I'm going to play this song again I'm stinky

So that we can enjoy it again And then I'll let it play in full And then we'll be back next week Please go to the site, check out the clips Come see us on tour wherever we are And that's that, we love you Bye everybody I've been smoking like a motherfucker

I run LA basically south of the tent Feed me sandwiches Pets all the time Balls licked Gets a barbecue I'm Theo, all goddamn day Running shit south of the tent Ten times 10 with an S on the hand

From the hundreds black and blue Rock a gin I don't play around these parts You know what I'm saying I'm a wild animal Stab you in your sleep Get your ass out of my face Respect my privacy

I don't feel nothing I get what I need I'm a wheeler, I'm a dealer Siphon gas from your jeep I've been outside You ain't shit, I pissed a shit where I won't You better not forget that kind of damn y'all lazy I'll never stop hustling

Give me something to get so they got to be I'm a wild animal I'm a wild animal I'm a wild animal I'm a wild animal I'm a wild animal I'm a wild animal I'm a wild animal

I'm a wild animal I'm a wild animal I'm a wild animal So they got to pay up You can get kidnapped You're under my care Better show mother fucker respect Uh, yeah

Of course not a little New Corvettes What I do is what I don't do Oh shit You cannot disrespect me Can not I want this Mother fucker black

Pineapple to the big eye I just get a shit done Toy and froce Salad Who's number one Who's the bunch of south of the pain Ten times 10 with your ass on the hand From the hundreds black and blue

Rock a gin I don't play around these parts you know what I'm saying Please run shit south of the pain Ten times 10 with your ass on the hand From the hundreds black and blue Rock a gin I don't play around these parts you know what I'm saying You act like I didn't live outside for three years

I live outside Caught stepping up the game Yo when the fuck are we going back to the dog park? I have people Chihuahua Goofy Gert Labradors I'm the all god damn day