Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 253-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 5, 2014

Whenever you see a microphone anywhere that is an opportunity. The possibility now exists that you can grab that mic and you can fart in it. This is how we even the playing field in life. A homeless man and a Greek billionaire suddenly become the same living being - a mic farter.  King A** Ripper is an international treasure for a reason. He seizes the opportunities that others ignore. He never, EVER passes on the chance to drop heat for the rest of us. Thank you Hairy N Gross Glutton. You inspire us all. International super star Nicki Minaj got the hint (okay it wasn't her) and now has a real hit on her hands! Plus Theo heard the song that all the Mommy's are talking about and, you guessed it, he wants his cut. Tina tries to reason with him, but there's no taking the hood out of this pooch.  Tina is a big NERD and wears undies during a massage (MOMSSAGE). Are you the same type of NERD that she is? If you're a flight attendant please keep the jokes inside of your head. You're the WORST! And finally Half Ounce drops some crazy Ya know what I'm talkin about, ya feel me, ya know what I mean? And Tina thinks he has some BIG WORDS too!

All right, we had to do this a little tag at the top. We like to call it There's some interesting things going on that we forgot to mention in the episode Yeah, the biggest thing ever is that we've been waiting to talk about this for the longest time. Well, we restocked Yes, the Theo yes 24-7 shirt That's sold out quick last time and as you know, Theo gets his cut He's always wanting to talk about percentages and you guys heard him loud and clear and the shirt sold out So it's been restocked If you go to your mom's house podcast calm and you click on the store

You can it takes you to the Astoy merchandise website which Houses all over the shirts and merchandise from the show now But this is a unique shirt for us because not only does it have Theo who's Theo 24-7 And it has I believe small through 4x in the men's shirts, but there's also a female cut shirt So t-shirts are a different cut for female and it has accommodate your breasts. Yes, and they are Full all the sizes for female too. So it's one of the only shirts We have both men's and women's cuts and that is now fully stocked also completely normal my DVD

From my special there are autographs hard copies of that on the site so please consider getting that and also you've Those DVDs are sealed with plastic that you farted in every single one of them. Yeah, I did. I farted in all of them and It wasn't my idea, but you told me oh everyone will like this well because it adds value. Yeah, I never thought of that Well, thank you for that Thanks for bringing up you got it That uh

That I did fart It's really cool. Don't tell Theo if you bought if you buy the shirt. It's just He's it's so he's so in his head now about the money. Yeah. Yeah, just don't mention it if you see him Okay, so yeah, that's that's true, and yeah, don't tweet him. Don't don't tell him anything like that Enjoy this episode of your mom's house and of course we'll be back next week for more Wow Come on come on No forgotten episode this time

Where are you gonna? Wait, what's going on? Where are we? It's Friday Uh It's this Friday guys this if you're in LA local Sunday night. I'm at the Melrose the Hollywood improv doing the 930 show I'm just local. I'm keeping it real. You know, I'm hanging out until we go on our cruise and The big mommy cruise shit with your family Wait, it's gonna be fun top dog, and I had a pre cruise conversation yesterday. I'm really excited

He's he's pumped man. He's really he's been calling me for months every time we talk He goes we're real excited about the cruise buddy Every single time well cuz you know we're gonna talk about is brown. Yeah, he's real excited in front of your mom and your sisters Okay, so let's uh Hold on. Let me just look here. I'm sorry guys. I wasn't prepared as I thought I was September 18th the jeans machine and I will be at the fart lauderdale improv at the semenhole casino in fart lauderdale, Florida We're doing one night only hard cock. I'm Always messed that up the hard cock hard cock see one night only one show only

We're both doing stand-ups. No no podcast mommies. Hopefully that morning will be on Pauline and Ron too. That'll be fun The morning of that October 2 through 5. I'm doing the Cincinnati funny bone and it says it's a funny bone But it's in Newport, Kentucky. Let's be honest about that And then October 9th Tommy and I are doing just the podcast at Cobb's comedy club in Manfred disco, California And then the podcast tour kicks on you guys we go Let me look at the calendar November 6th at the High Line in Seattle this time you're coming. I'm coming. Yeah So my gosh, I'm not I'm not being sequestered on some kind of reality show November 7th Portland, Oregon analog cafe the analog cafe

November 8th Chicago the empty bottle the empty bottle all tickets are online The empty rectum online your mom's house podcast.com buyer tickets now suckers by the way when you're in Newport I am in Mom Lando Orlando, Florida. It's the same. Yeah Newport, Kentucky is pretty much the same as Orlando But what's real important is that beginning tomorrow? Yes, I'm going to Hong Kong Yeah

Yeah, here I come Asia make sure you get tickets to see me Um, it's really important that you come to all my shows By those tickets now guys you want to get those tickets to Macau Today because the show's tomorrow, so get those last-minute plane tickets now. I think I have Where is it Singapore if you can make it to Singapore you can you can make it to Singapore. I'd really appreciate it No, I want to tell you this I actually have The oh, here's the tour information ready. Oh my god

It's Webster gonna be there. My first show is At the vault in Singapore on Wednesday, September 10th. Okay, please get your tickets. It's at 23 circular road um, okay, and What currency can they buy these tickets in it's in single ease? Okay, and Uh, September 11th for us in peace. We are Doing a dinner no show. It looks like that day. Okay Um 8 p.m. Oh, no, there is a show at the champs bar in Hong Kong

The champs bar and that's in that's the it's in the you know, like the Lower region in Hong Kong and then in front on Friday We're doing a show at takeout comedy. Okay, that's you know 34 Elgin Street in the soho central in Hong Kong and then on the 13th Uh, we're doing another show there at the takeout comedy In Hong Kong and then on the 14th if you happen to be in Macau, we're doing the lions bar at the mgm macau Um, you guys know so if you're there if you're in china and macau on that sunday the 14th Huge fans. I know I've listened if you're a real tom seger fan

You'll buy the plane ticket. You'll get the hotel. You'll go you'll convert your money Playing simple come see the god come see me. You know in macau. I mean how many? Now this is um, I'm glad to be back doing the show, you know, we had our Our lost our mystery episode and yeah, it's good to be back. You know back on the horse Let's let's have a fun episode. Let's do a real big this episode Now are you ready? I feel like it needs to be more exciting. It's not as exciting as it should be Really? You need it to like amp it up. Yeah. All right. Let's we're gonna let's do this shit, man Now do you feel ready?

All right, let's do this. Let's party. I just want to find somebody so we're here with uh Alki and jennifer david of course the owners of 902 one go and Of course have faith and film on and many many other companies. Good to have you here Thank you so much. You look beautiful nishka. Well, I'm a little bit chilly jam. That's okay Alki, I don't want to put my mouth on that now. That's absolutely disgusting. Oh my goodness Um, jennifer, I'm not often speechless, but I think I've actually been caught speechless Who is randy don't bring anyone loving to this Welcome to your mom's house

with Don Segura Christina Oh I Did a mini hands version. Yeah, did a tiny hands. Yep that guy So that clip we played his name is Alki david. Do you know who that is? No, no idea So he in this his dumb fucking broad. I guess wife. Yeah, it's like one of these red carpet things And of course the broads are being all like, oh my god. You're like a man

But I'm a big fan of him right now after that clip me too. I don't know who this person is but I I saw that so he takes the microphone of the interviewer who's like, what are you? And he just farts into it farts right into it. Yeah Do you know why somebody would do something like that? No When they are worth. Oh, I don't know 400 million dollars and they're uh, and don't give a fuck Yeah, nigerian born greek billionaire air A member of the prominent greek laventis family whose holdings include manufacturing bottling plants property and shipping Uh, basically this motherfucker owns everything

It says 9021 go.com the streaming video site battlecam.com So he owns a home shopping website and a streaming video site battlecam And the modeling agency so this motherfucker He don't give two fucks You know i'm saying shit. I ain't got the two nuts to bust He doesn't care. I ain't got the two nuts to bust He don't give fucks at all. Yeah, he um, he just straight up grabbed that mic and farted right into it Of course have faith and film on and many many other companies companies. Have you here?

Thank you so much. You look beautiful nishka. Well, I'm a little bit chilly John. That's okay That's a good fart. That was a good one Add some bass to it. I think I I really like this person. Yeah, that's a billionaire with some some sass. I like it That's why you want that kind of money. Just fuck you money. Yeah, can you believe what this guy did? Oh, no one will ever work. Well, actually, yeah, we'll all work with him again. He cares. Yeah He owns us. He'll do whatever he wants. It's amazing. Yeah, that's great It's amazing how money can buy you out of being a civilized member of society. I have a lot of respect for that guy Yeah, me too. A lot of respect for that guy

Absolutely great guy. Now there's some other people that are known for their farts Us lower class people. Yeah, I mean us common people this medley the uh ass ripper medley It's basically the greatest hits of king ass ripper to music really edited slice together well Yeah, this was submitted by a listener. Yeah, it's called ass ripper medley. Mm-hmm I'll put it up on the side. I would hope you would youtube. Yeah I mean he how did he do it? But how do you find the best moment from king ass ripper? They're all fantastic It's really hard to say. I don't know Wow, people wrote uh rest in peace underwear underneath this lip underwear

Here's someone wrote my favorite things in the world fat guys rubbing cereal themselves farting white underwear staying with shit and dubstep Dubstep those are his favorite things in the world and they're all in this video. Yeah Well, can we hear more? Well, can we hear it? I feel like I don't okay You gotta do it in pieces. He's super talented. You gotta do it in pieces. Why don't we go back to him? So let's go back to him. We'll take a little breather here. Wow. That was explosive Huh, it's like that. Um, I gotta compose myself. I don't It's like that anaconda video that somebody

Dubbed farts over I'll put that up on the site as well There's this, you know that stupid Nicki Minaj video. It's just asses everywhere. Somebody just put fart noises in it and they Silenced the music the original musicians the video and they put like a generic beat And then every movement by the girls moving their asses is a fart It's so funny. It's really well done. And when you and I were watching it the other day We had to pause it. You had you had to take a I had to take a break. Yeah You know It's just good comedy. It's good. I hate to say it, but it's just it's good stuff. Nothing. You can you can't deny it

What's funnier than farts? I'm sorry Oh The beats are what kill me when it's on the Yeah That's essentially what made the oh my gosh. I was just thinking about that. Oh my gosh It was so brilliantly made Um, you guys have heard on the show. It's really it's one of the best songs Ever ever made who made that one? Was that max? I I think max newman. Yes made that because the farts are on the beat

On the beat. It's so good It's so good. I'm gonna throw up. I'm gonna fucking throw up. I'm laughing too hard. Yeah, that's really amazing Oh, no, I'm gonna die of a heart attack today a fart attack Now we should say we should point out this was like there was a fart video where a woman farted and then just went Oh my gosh This out of it. Yeah Oh Oh my gosh

Oh Oh Wow I'm gonna die, but I can't I'm crying right now You know that song. Oh my gosh song max newman I was a genius. It's genius. Yeah, it's so many of these songs we get from you guys It just blows me like last episode of theosong was fucking bananas that guy wrote to us I because we we thank people that do that, right?

He told me in the email. He said it took 20 hours to piece together the theosong. That's crazy. I believe it I believe it too. I thought it would take longer For sure 20 he made conversational just like a Things that said randomly over time had no purpose of being in a song. He made them rhyme right That's insane. Theo was saying that Theo was saying it. Yeah So bizarre he rarely, you know, Theo doesn't even talk that much Now when he only talks to me that somebody was tweeting like hey, what's up with that?

I've only heard Theo talk to you, but I think it's because of your guys bond, right? Well, we're um We're what's known as a bonded pair and the dog community adoption terms Plus I gave birth to him even though I'm his adopted mother I'm the one that breastfed him when we first got him, right? I changed his diapers, right? I love him more. I don't know about that. Okay, you love him too, but But you're right. He's very He's a mama's boy. Yeah. Yeah, he loves you. We're a bonded pair

Yeah, yeah, I agree. You are you're a bonded pair and that's why I talk because like a lot of times I try to talk to He'll talk to me, but he doesn't talk to me like on the show like, you know, I don't even know where he is right now I don't know where I think he's napping napping or out I don't know he said college football just started and he had like all these bets going on Is that right? Yeah. Yeah, damn it. You know, it's so dangerous when he goes collecting at night I know did he even bring up the tinfoil? I lost money. You did from Theo. Mm-hmm Yeah, you lost money from our son betting on the games over the weekend. Oh, no last weekend. Yeah, how much?

I don't talk about it Has he said anything about that tinfoil? Um incident to you. Yeah Yeah, he was really upset he told me uh You know if i'm not supposed to eat it why is it on the floor and then like he said he said That's rude. I know he said that like I uh, I was trying to get him sick. You know, he blamed you. Yeah He said, you know, I know you're trying to get me sick. Um

I don't know. He was he was just like he thought he thinks I want him out. He said so No, but he said he just you know, he said at the end he goes you better watch your food from now on Maybe I'll drop something in there. He said I try to explain him He said the floor is my plate. So you gotta you can't drop things on the floor, right? I was like, that's not really a fair thing to say It's not fair because sometimes we accidentally Right, that's what I said and he goes he goes he goes. I understand I might accidentally drop something onto your plate It's rude. Yeah, I'm gonna have to talk to him about his manners. Yeah

It's unacceptable. You know, he is my son, but I don't condone bad manners Yeah, it's it was it was disappointing Oh Fucking faggots you don't work No, there you go It's so unbelievable. Oh, by the way, uh, someone corrected me. Hold on. Where is this fucking? Fucking email Oh my gosh, somebody made a good point here. Yeah, uh how I gave credit to uh

The wonderful talent uh from the east coast i.e Uh, peter cain a lot of our favorite people are from the and I and I mistakenly credited king asteriper from being From the east coast to east michigan. He's a michigan guy. So apologies guys. You're right, right? And a little little credit to the state of michigan A lot of credit to the state of michigan Which by the way, there's nothing on the books, but we're We started talking today about um trying to do something there in 2015 2015. No, okay. Yeah, so We're making an effort to go to michigan and I think michigan's proud of king

Their lord the king. Yeah. Yeah, if you will per se. Yeah, the lord asteriper lord asteriper For sure for sure Our dress is a far god This is from michigan Oh Wow Wow Yeah

It's another compilation Oh He's really shitting his shorts. It's horrible to look at Horrible or magnetic I really want to get my mother to watch this Can we do that on the cruise? That was so much fun. I remember when this, uh, call came in I don't remember us getting able to play it. Um when the, uh Um pipes burst in westwood and they took a call

On live news There we go. Yeah, that's great. We do have a dwp spokesperson now on the phone Lewis slung pew. I hope I pronounced the last name correctly I'll get her in the truck. Oh, thank you very much. What can you tell us about this? Or is it something you've ever seen before like this? No, it appears that we have a water main Hope and the apparent cause of the water main network was uh, you know, it's coming to tell us from our From our troops on the ground basically that a couple of college students might have sent down a cherry bomb down the toilet

Oh, can you say that again? You think somebody sent a cherry bomb down the toilet? Yeah, I said, uh, but we we try to put on seminars, you know, you Explaining how dangerous it is to send uh any kind of explosives down Down a plummy drain, but uh, you know, that's what that's what it's coming back to us You know, we had a pressure break And uh, the cherry bomb has to pop through the uh, the top of the I love how the news I'll could you say that again? I've been uh

Well, is this something that happens because of the ucla campus and kids playing around or is it the high school campus? Or do you know the source? Right now we're still on the investigation phase. It just seemed that uh It seems that the break might have come somewhere on the five pavilion area one of the locker rooms It was either a any cherry bomb or someone took a really large dump, you know That is an incredible. So are you 100 sure about that? And he's about to still like uh, caron that's not because she's like, really? I'm gonna take a big dump. That is an incredible. So are you 100 sure about that? Is that?

Oh We're hoping to get him back you dumb dumb dummy doesn't know you just got took you got taken for a token Well, it's lewis slung poo slung poo. Yeah, that's so great. Am I pronouncing that right? Slung poo Or slung poo. Well, it's slung poo, ma'am. It's lewis slung poo And don't put explosives in the toilet or take a huge dump. It'll break our Pipes huge dumps. So let's give a shout out to us airways express. Um, get your life Good lord. So fuck what a they're fucking third world. Let me let me lay this out here. Yeah, it was horrific. So

Here's what happened. I get my denver itinerary a little while ago and I go on and the flight is about two hours from la now I get the um to the point where I'm purchasing my ticket and it just so happens That in order to upgrade to first It was 110 dollars more than a regular ticket So I did the math and I'm like, yeah, that's not that bad because a lot of times you go and you buy a ticket and they're like If you want to upgrade to first it's 600 more per person per way. So you're looking at like 1200 more

So I was like, this is this is, you know, that's unreasonable. I don't do it. But in this case, I did it So I buy the first class ticket and then you come with me and I get you one and we I would decide that it's going to be like a like a fun like a date weekend. You know, it's going to be cool You're coming with me mom verse a great place. It's a great place You don't have to do shows so you get to relax and we get to like hang out and do things together So I explained to you we were we were rushed going to the airport last week But I'm like, oh, it's cool. We'll be in first. It'll be like fine. You know, we won't be rushed in the airport We get to the airport

Check a bag So all I have is my backpack. That's all I have on me and you have what? You checked your bag. Yeah, that's it my computer bag. So that's all you have So we get there and they're like, all right, you check in check your bags go to gate 44 in terminal four So we go to gate 44 And then they're like, where are you going? I'm Denver and they're like, okay, wait over here and they have you wait at the gate behind like a

partition and then a line starts forming behind us and then it's like 40 deep And we're literally waiting there 25 minutes And not to bore they're just like wait here This is that lax. It's not like a miniature. This is one of the biggest major major major airports in the world And then we see people walking off from the runway up to this gate door Towards us and they're walking out and then finally 25 minutes later

They give us the go ahead that we can walk out. So we walk out And what it is is we walk down this thing to a shuttle bus And then the shuttle takes us to a like remote gate that's That's here's how far away it is from the main terminals You actually you cross like century boulevard. You see

The highway entrance that you enter to the airport in as you're on this bus. So you're really far off They drop you off there Then it's and they pack you into the bus. We're yeah We're we're uns dangerously packed and you're driving on the runway essentially and we're passing delta We're passing americ. We're passing all the terminals the foreign terminals. We're like, where the fuck are we? Yep, what the what is what magical imaginary terminal? Why did you make us wait 25 minutes? It's it's so crazy, you know, so Basically, they drop us off

And now they're like, are you going to denver? Like you're late. It's like, no, we were we've been at the gate Yeah, but you just didn't take us here So they let us board. So like I said, you know, it's okay. You're first, right? So get on the plane is completely like minus the people that are with us that we're waiting And we're in the very first row. So if you ever sit in the very first row Or the bulkhead in in economy class, you can't have anything in your lap. You have to put it over which is so fucking stupid I mean, I can't hold on to my fucking not even your purse. No, you can't have your I mean, and there's so yeah, I give me a break. I can't hold on to a fucking purse. It's ridiculous

So then I suck my tits. I have my backpack and I go Hey to the flight attendant to the usa where I go And I start to hope she goes it's all full and I go, okay And I look to like, you know, they have their little cabin door like where they put their shit Yes, where they pursuits and for people's things in first class and she goes I go kind of she goes no, there's no room in there And I go, what do I do with this? She goes, you're gonna have to go back Bitch and it's like keep in mind like yes, you're in charge of safety. That's a flight attendant, but you're also

It's supposed to be service helpful and like you're telling somebody who you know, just Paid The most to get on this flight right go fuck yourself right put it in the back She was very dismissive. She was not cool about it. Yeah, very rude. So I go back to like row 10 And then as I'm about to put my bag up a lady is like, uh Can I put my bag and I go? Well, I'm putting mine here for sure. So you can put it in afterwards Yeah, I put it in there. I have to walk to the front of the plane

Now now I realize that when we land I have to wait I either have to fight traffic or wait for everybody to get off the fucking plane All right Uh to to get my back, which is like it's just not helpful of the lady to do that Then we fucking take off And as I go to get my back she goes, sir, I remember that and I go, what are you doing? Going to get my back. Not yet. We're still leveling off Okay, yeah, but the ding happened the ping that means you can

So fucking bitch I sit down Then the other flat tenant who was nicer goes, what were you doing? And I go my backpack I go you guys don't have any room up here for me Even though I paid for this fucking seat. I don't get to put my backpack Above anywhere I have to go back 10 rows to put my backpack because I couldn't board because You're at a remote location and I had to wait for a fucking bus to take me Which which they should have they should have told you as somebody that frequents la airport like dude

You guys they should tell the passenger. Hey, we're doing this thing now because we're assholes come half hour earlier Yeah, it's fucking ridiculous because that they we didn't know that and we came on time We gave ourselves the normal a lot of time even being rushed. We were still on time So anyways, then I still I go during the flight And I get the backpack and the plan is we see that girl I go I'm gonna offer Well, actually I just was gonna ask her to put it Under the seat in front of her for like I go do what was gonna ask her did she mines

And then you were like give her a fucking cd or something. I always believe in bribery. Yeah People really respond to a 20 she could very well hate me though, you know a 20 spot or a free dvd Listen, if it's good enough for mike tyson, he loved her comedy dvd. Maybe that broad's gonna love it Good point, but then I realized she has two boxes of pizza under the seat in front of what yeah And then that was the loud group the group that was like bad bad bad another story. We'll talk about them But anyways So then the nicer flight attendant I go I just tell her I don't yell I don't I don't get I don't curse I just go yeah, there's no room

For me to put my backpack So that's why I was going to get it because you had made me put it 10 rows back and then she says Um, I'll see if I can put it in our little compartment the one that the other lady said Which is what they usually offer on delta on any other fucking airline. Yeah I'm not asking for you to put it there for your flight. It's for takeoff and landing In other words, you have to put it away for me for about three minutes And then I'll get it out fucking fuck face

By the way, the plane looked appalling It was horrible that shit looked like first of all that trip we took in a shuttle bus on the runway there That's what they did in Hungary and the airport when communism ended. I remember They you don't just go to the gate. They put you on a fucking old school thing It could have been a third world. Here's the craziest part though. How about this unbelievable the way home Um, like I said originally I was coming home alone. I was doing this trip alone So I buy the first ticket back. I would have not done it like that if I knew you were coming. Yeah, but anyways Seven a.m. Flight out. That was amazing. We woke up at 445. Yeah, that was really horrible

But but the big upside is what that I had purchased First tickets. Oh, right, which but tell them the first class was like on the plane home on the plane home There was no first class It's like southwest. So they charged me. Yeah full first fare. Yeah Which didn't exist. No, everybody. It was the same. Yeah equal seating That's weird Yeah, I still haven't figured out. First of all, there's the condition of the airplane. I it was like Uh, welcome to us air run by maize airlines. Mesa airlines now a part of america. What?

Yeah, formerly Thai air like, huh? And that literally there was like cracks in the wind like cracks around it was filthy It looked like things had been duct taped. I mean, I was not happy I drank I had to drink two glasses of pinot grigio And by the way on the 7 a.m. Flight Can we all just agree that all the announcements aren't necessary? I mean safety announcements, obviously But we'd like to welcome you aboard flight 2851. Uh, us airways express. Good morning operated by Mesa airlines now a part of american airlines

And we'd also like to welcome all of our one world alliance members if you're not a member yet We can sign on to american airlines.com and sign up and earn miles today today The people are earning a lot of miles and you can earn these miles too if you're interested in a credit card That is you can get points on as well. Make sure you you wave me down I'll give you that application form today. We're gonna be leveling off at around 33 It's seven o'clock in the fucking morning right now I know like someone's gonna raise their hand and be like, I'd love to sign up for that credit card You're speaking of right at 7 a.m. And everybody who fucking opens their

Window show should be shot. Absolutely. You should be shot at 35 when we hit leveled off You should open the door and throw them off They're the worst people the worst Not only that you gotta watch the sunrise Who is who has their fucking window open everybody else is sleeping everybody there? Everybody there got up at the latest 5 a.m. The latest at the latest, yeah Whoever's used to that. I'm sorry. La la la la la. We're gonna look at everything out the plane

And also there are no pillows or blankets on us there. So it's fucking freezing on there, of course Now they suck. They're the worst. Yeah, and they have to tell you everything temperature in la is uh five Celsius Other known at 7 77 Fahrenheit Uh, cool cool winds out of the southwest. You're like, why are you telling a little bit uh head a little headwind right now 17 nights headwind and Look at your way as you look at the left side right now. You can see that. Uh, that's the uh, that's the grand canyon He told us and there's a little bit of something. It's one of the great wonders

Of the world my wife and I uh before we divorced went to the grand canyon. She jerked my cock Um, it's campsite right next door. She real shit very long nipples Still have a thing for that but uh moving on and we'll be in Los Angeles shortly. Thank you very much And then they also do that is like they make the the flight attendant is that first one The announcement 7 a.m. Knows everyone's exhausted sees people passed out on the plane and then After it's like, uh, oh, this is captain, uh, rickard checking in with you and just letting you know that uh I don't know if you notice we're fucking flying right now. Just checking in with you letting you know that we are flying and, uh If you didn't know that we are and we're just gonna keep flying until we fucking get there

So if anyone was wondering what's going on, I'm fucking flying the plane and we're gonna get there when we get there Thanks, man. Thanks for the second announcement. No My favorite is when they tell you how to use a seatbelt Insert the flap into the buckle and then pull the loose strap tightly across your lap like at least virgins that video that plays Makes light of it. They're like, are you serious? Yeah, that's what they should do And I know that the what is it the federal aviation whatever makes you say those kinds of things to stupid people But come on Come on. Oh, you know what? I had the other day on the airplane

Um, the one of the flight attendants came on and goes guys. I just want to let you know Very special announcement are captain. This is going to be his last flight ever And then no, this is what she says which is even crazier And she goes this is his last flight because he's joining the circus And she was like, seriously, she's he's joining. He's following his dreams and joining the circus You know what everybody did on the plane nothing because nobody gives a fuck about your dumb fucking dreams Just land the plane Nobody gave two fucks about this guy's dreams. It was so funny

Everybody was like, yeah, well fuck him. Fuck his dumb fucking circus I hope he falls off the trapeze It was from san francisco. That's why it was like early morning too. We were like, what why are you talking? Yeah, why are you telling us this? By the way, that whole us air debacle Making us walk up and down weird You know rickety platforms getting on a very fucking dangerous bus the employee There was like a group of asian girls who are boarding the bus and they didn't know where to put their bags

They're and then the rude asshole was like, come on. Hurry up. It's just common sense Put your bag on and he was like barking at us like dude. Wait, we paid for this, right? Like, yeah, yeah, exactly This isn't a charity Flight you piece of shit I couldn't believe that what a fucking joke of an airline. I don't know why they insist on that man It's so fucking lame that they do that to you and how do people with wheelchairs You know, how does like a handicapped person board a u.s. Air flight? I mean, there's no way That narrow little fucking things to get on the plane

How how are you gonna puts like an old person or the you're gonna make the old person take a shuttle bus and then it's just Ridiculous It's really bad. It's really ridiculous. Are people with kids. Come on. You had strollers and it's just ridiculous this um I got makes you want to I got some fucking bug not a bug, but like some settings thing this

I tried to I tried to stream a game online And then I download no really porno game. No, no, no because our fucking hotel didn't have abc It had nbc cbs fox and no abc So I couldn't watch the game. So I went to one of those hd streams Where you can watch football games. We have to download something anyways now Some bullshit search engine pops up every time I start. It's really fucking bad You just gotta go you gotta re reset your other I know you gotta reset the home page the browser It said the the worst part is that it says that my

Default setting is farts. I know is that there's one I'm using but it's not it's not actually Happening By the way, I had a wonderful mom massage courtesy of my husband when I was in momver um Mom massage and tom and I discovered that I'm a huge square apparently and e r Do I had no idea Apparently you're not supposed to wear chonies

When you get a mom how did you not know this dude? I I just I figured that that was like in america you do that because in hungary I've had massages and they practically violate you Like at the galler hotel. Yeah, my friend shon and I went when we're 18 and they're like, oh naked naked And they like practically finger your butthole and I was like, oh, I should probably wear underwear. That's what you pay extra for No Well, I thought in america you're supposed to wear your panties. No shut up

No, we're not supposed to do that. So then people graze your nuts All the time No, because you're your your your nuts aren't exposed. They're not grazing your nuts You've had a couple nut grazes, but not no, it's not really what's happening. But you're not afraid. They're gonna finger your Your couch or something. No, because you're covered up, man. Why would they finger your couch? Because that's what happens The oops my hand slipped in your vagina. It happens. I don't know. Do does that I'm fisting you does that actually happen for real? Yeah Um Here's uh, something that I recorded

I I think we're back on the pilot thing. I remember that I busted out my cell phone You remember this years ago When a flight attendant gave her farewell speech Oh, god, it made me so upset that people actually enjoyed it like I put it up To insult her. Yeah, she reached out to me. She found it was like, uh, I'm so love that you were able to record my last speech Are you serious? Yeah. Yeah, she said when did this happen? I recorded it four years ago, but it's on my youtube page. All right, ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard. How y'all doing? Welcome, thank you. It's monday. The main cabinet door has been closed

Please discontinue some all your cellular phones all your blueberries your blackberries Blackberry gooseberry huckleberry. That was a big joke back then Anything folks with an on off switch, please make sure they're not powered down and stoked for takeoff My name is angela and i'll be assisting all y'all for the next hour ish I am also your in-flight entertainment for the next minute to have Thank you. I'm here all week Thanks Such a tough crowd is it huh? All right, because of our interest in safety. We need to go to the mercy equipment on board

This embryo 145. I want to cure that beautiful safety information car She was like and she was going for her For her jokes like she really goes for it, you know Now how did you how did you sense that she was going to do her amateur comedy thing? How did you know to push record? I don't remember the truth is I don't remember she may have said something something Tipped it off. I know that something happened I don't remember because it really was but you sense that this was open mic night Yeah, and I and I had flown like everybody the comics especially with like the the sassy

I'm gonna make jokes announcements. I hate them. I hate the southwest ones. Yeah, I hate the clever I remember some southwest someone rolled some nuts down the aisle When the plane was taking off so that they rolled down and that was like the joke Well, we'll insert the flat metal into the buckle to tighten pull the loose strap. So if it's lower tight Just so you know, she's building up. Okay. She's she has a big bang She knows to save her her best for it's stressing me out already longer needed Your assistance or it's crying like a baby. Put your mask on first. Good thing you put on there. I'll show you Now if you all smile when this happens, it's less stressful

Let's fly it along. I love a mask That's a small part most everything goes better with a smile Big smile or two big into smiles All right And we're moving on in the unlikely event of a water landing That's right y'all have a seat bottom cushion and it is used as a floatation of our style All you need to do is just pull up on your cushion Take it with you to the nearest possible exit when you do exit the aircraft

Hold on to that seat cushion. Hold it really close kiss your butt. Goodbye and go swimming Now we have four emergency exits aboard this She's getting applause The aircraft with that main cabin door from which you all entered in my galley next to me I have a service door two additional exits. They are located somewhere back there Actually, there's an overhead sign folks that will tell you that's an exit and then when you see everybody else running off Follow along, right? Okay. This aircraft also equipped with Emergency escape hot lot and in the unlikely event of an emergency evacuation the disco life on the floor

They'll automatically illuminate telling you to hurry up and get the heck off of this aircraft now Okay, regulations also prohibits tamper with deciphering or destroying any aircraft's laboratory smoke detectors Are you into it? I'm ready to blow my brains out If you know what I do now one of these announcements happen I put on my earbuds and I have this app Called brainwave and I listen to the sounds of a forest to relax So to not hear these announcements

I'm very sensitive You owe me two thousand dollars in cash And delta says no. No. No. There is no smoking on it. He does We have to all that and all y'all's attention. I want to thank you so much. It's been a joy work for this company It's been a pleasure working for all of you. I'm not grabbing two beers and jumping. I'm taking a whole liquor kid Ovation Where where was this? It's gonna be slow southern life. If you want to cry, you know, I don't know what's gonna happen Here we go. All right, ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard. How y'all doing?

That was on a flight to richmond No from richmond to Cincinnati cbg. Yeah Yeah I think a lot of that is like misplaced creative energy too Like why are you annoying all of us just get on stage somewhere and annoy people Somewhere else, right? Yeah Yeah, you're at least virgin does a good job of making it like they're aware of how irritating those announcements are Yeah, so

I get that. Here's what I listen to. I'm not even getting this is what I listen to Hear that it's light rain kind of like that Yeah That's what I listen to on plans now. Hey back to your underwear on the mom's side. Is that so you think they're gonna finger your couch? That's why you do that Yeah, yeah Yeah, um, like I said, because I've the very first massage I ever had was in Hungary It was very aggressive and it was like here's literally at the gel art hotel

Listen guys if the if you visit budapest and somebody's like go to the gel air They have the thermal baths and it's really nice. Here's what they don't tell you at least in the 90s My best friend and I went there from high school They strip you naked. They throw some loincloth on you and when you're 17 or 18 years old, that's mortifying And then you're naked with a bunch of old ass babushkas with their tits hanging down to their knees big fatties And you know all these old people staring at you and then at the massage this scary older lady

Lathers you with this disgusting communist soap and then like hurts you can I tell you something what you're not there anymore You're safe. It's okay. I know and then the curtain that's supposed to shield you from the rest of the people They don't care about that. They people come in talk to your masseuse. No, I could not do that I could not do that either. I like I don't like being naked. No, okay because of that experience Now I think oh, I shouldn't be naked No, nobody actually fingered my ass to see nobody's fingered anything at a massage, but I just I feel too vulnerable Yeah, we'll do it. You know what they always tell you go to your comfort level and you know what your comfort level is It's having just talking about yeah, it's having your undies on that's fine. I'm not there anymore tom. I'm not in budapest anymore

You're not there anymore. You've escaped the cold war is over. Yeah Got it. You know what you believe in god is so does my man half Is this 12 ounce half ounce Half ounce big shout out to god. He got it now Half ounce took the you know I'm saying to another level because what he does is he does a three drop triplets You know I'm saying, you know, I'm talking about um Feel me you feel me maybe maybe we'll hear it here in a second. God is real. You feel me get that wrong

God is real. Yeah, man. God bless the nigga. I'm blessed right now. Yeah, I'm talking about you feel me I may get you don't talk about you don't talk about you feel me. No, I mean you don't talk about you feel me You know, I mean, I like I guess god blesses a nigga. That's crazy talk. That is crazy talk That is crazy Feel me God blesses a nigga. That's crazy God is real. You feel me get that wrong. Come on. I'm real sick. God is real. Yeah, man. God bless the nigga I'm blessed right now. Yeah, I'm talking about you feel me. I may get

God is god is real. God blesses a nigga Wow, amen. Is that what they say your church? Wow I didn't remember that from catholic school Oh All you niggas is blessed What? Oh my god

I'm struggling after that one That's gonna take me a second I didn't make it up. That's what he's saying. I mean, he let nigga walk again I didn't got shot up hit by cars stabbed up and all that's I mean real nigga This is something like all that's I mean I'm still here. Not everybody Been through that experience it hurt man. That's it hurt man. That's it hurt man I got stabbed up 12 times man. I got sledding right up the street from where we at right now We at Rogers Park. We don't be street. I got stabbed up right up the street something about on victory and vintage

Wait a minute if he Wait a minute if you got stabbed 12 times God doesn't like you. Why the fuck are you still standing on that street that you just got stabbed on? Wouldn't you never go there again? Well, he's down the street from there Yeah, then don't fucking go there anymore if you're gonna get stabbed You know that stupid broad they made a movie about that her fuck to surf her Had her arm ripped off by a shark and then they're proud of her because she goes back into the same ocean Oh, yeah, yeah, you out of your fucking mind. I still I still surf all the time. No

Lost in on doing it. Stop Don't surf and if you get shot on a certain neighborhood, don't go to the neighborhood What's wrong with you? What's wrong with y'all? Wrong with you Wrong with y'all Now you drop the next one. I'm sorry. I'm not doing it again. I already said it too much on this episode I'm already gonna get in trouble. No What's wrong with you?

Wrong with y'all Your niggas are crazy Really you feel me get that wrong con with some real shit guys. Yeah, man. God bless the nigga. I'm blessed like me I'm talking about you feel me. I mean You know time I feel you know me No, I'm time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um says meow meow meow meow. Where is he from? Where's 12 ounces from half ounces from here from la? Yeah No, shit. So he was referring to born in san diego, but he came up in la. Well, his accent is not

La apparently there's some good. Uh, you know what it means in this clip. This was sent to us by shon shon said there's some good Clips I believe from jeezy in here at all when when when jeezy talks about Him and jay-z. What does that mean to you, man? I mean, that's the last rapper. I it was like was a fan of was jeezy. You know what I mean as far as You know, I mean still being a fan, you know, I mean, because you know when you in the music industry get a little jaded You know what I mean? So I kind of didn't yeah, I was just working for you know I mean for years and it wasn't even like listening to music as like enjoyment, you know what I mean

It's work. Yeah more work and I've been at that. That's a lot of you know, it means Yeah, it's a lot of you know, it means um well 12 ounces as you call him talked about god and Somebody else who on our show and by the way, we're always looking for you know, I'm saying you know, I mean don't talk about you feel me Tell me I'm saying you know, I mean if you ever find a good, you know, I'm saying you know I'm talking about you know, I mean, uh, make sure you send it to your mom's podcast at gmail.com your mom's podcast At gmail.com. There's no house in the email and guys don't send j rock

We've already played him on the Toronto episode the reason we don't we do we do celebrate j rock We love the trailer park boys. Yeah, but it doesn't qualify necessarily for this because we we're looking for real real ones Yeah, I mean what they did is essentially they you know, they were geniuses about creating a character that uses it Which is fantastic. Yeah, but we like the authentic no i'm saying i'm saying you feel you talking about you don't talk about That's what we're looking for in the wild if you will in nature the state of nature If you will per se, you know, we've dropped by the way. Um, it's not um A black thing we've played latinos doing it. We've played Oh asians asians doing it. We've played

White guys doing it one of the all time in the runnings For the most, you know, I'm saying he's a white guy that goes by uh, skinhead rob Shots out the homeboy Mitch. You know I'm saying big stuff. Hell. Yeah, you know I'm saying mutual homie good motherfucker right there. You know I'm saying So, you know I'm saying he's only gonna fuck with the real you know I'm saying so We'll recognize real game recognize game. You know I'm saying Ain't no bosses in those fakes over here. You know I'm saying it's all real dealing. You know I'm saying all she was talking about Take it for it's worth it. You know I'm saying truth in that motherfucker. You know I'm saying that's real shit

You know I'm saying skinhead rob Skinhead rob that's like 30 seconds. I think he dropped about 30 of them. That's really impressive. Yeah, so you know the address make sure you Send it um send the email address Dot com So this email came in speaking of you know, I'm saying Says sup mommies. I wanted to write you guys to inform you of my triumph In spreading the word of you know what I'm saying to people all around the world. Okay. This is great. I've recently made friends Sorry with a group of japanese exchange students that live in my neighborhood

They came here to la solely to learn english and the girl that i'm closest with Spends spends most of her time Asking me questions about the english language and she's only barely capable of holding down an english conversation Yes I You know i'm saying Y'all y'all The other day

She specifically asked me for the most concise way to ask if she was making sense to me So that she wouldn't have to repeat the phrase do you understand after every sentence I immediately thought of the mommies and said it's easy girl at the start and at the end of every sentence you speak from now on Just include know i'm saying I Y'all never have a problem talking with anybody that speaks english I spent time working out the phonetics with her instead of the actual words So she'd sound the most baller in her english class

Wow, she was super grateful and over the next couple of weeks all her conversations with me sounded like this I can't read it I can't read it you read it Okay, uh now i'm saying i'm very hungry now i'm saying Now i'm saying i would like to eat at a restaurant now i'm saying She always yelled the now i'm saying because i told her it was important to empathize Emphasize those parts like a real gangster That is so funny she could not understand why i could not stop laughing around her this morning

She texted me to tell me that she had failed her Oh my god Her failed her most recent english test because she's written i'm saying all over the place Holy shit, oh that is so fun. Uh needless to say i feel like i did a good thing Now i'm saying she wanted me to know. Oh god that she's upset with me now Thanks for all the laughs Vic Vic you did god's work right there. That's god's work

God loves you How does he say it six ounces? You feel me you don't talk about you know what i mean? No, what does god love? I don't remember What does god love god loves Um, i don't remember i don't remember You feel me get that wrong con. I was a little sick god as well. Y'all mean god blessing the niggas. I'm blessed right now Honestly, i've got blessings. I mean she let niggas walk again. I didn't got shot up hit my car stabbed up and all that All right for a damn remember that fart you farted

Was it last night or this morning this morning? That was this morning's part. What are we talking about? I don't know, but i just you're talking about teaching a farting class. Oh, right if i want to be a teacher Like pay attention students and then I got something to say that was it. I got something to say and then Such a good fart. That was a really impressive fart. I remember you were like that's something you were really impressed Well, it doesn't happen every day in this house that you fart like that. No, it doesn't um, yeah, sure speaking of god blessing Good evening. This is the nephew's facebook

I'm in my car on my way to bible and study And I was sitting here thinking about the scripture that say we are many member But one body There are many part to the body But we only have one body We are many member But one body

She's really taken by this And we each have our own assignments that we are called In seeing that to your facebook gotta bless you I just want to sing a little song that's Hallelujah I'm really excited about this. I gotta tell you. I'm really excited Deep in my heart on tonight Oh

God just changed the song hallelujah. He just changed the song hallelujah. What? Deep and wide Deep and wide the river's flowing deep and wide Hallelujah, deep and wide Deep Woo deep And wide The river hallelujah is flowing deep and wide

How dry I am How wet I'll be If I don't find The bathroom key Oh, I felt the key. Thank you Jesus. Hallelujah. But I lost the door Oh never mind It's oh never mind Oh never mind

Oh never mind You better hold it The floor Hallelujah Jesus Thank god blessing nigga Bless right now. Yeah, I'm talking about you feel me. I mean Wow, this is like a it's a whole new Super Soul Sunday we're creating for people It's a mix up. This is where somebody can really feel spiritually awakened on our show now. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm

Point auntie fee fee took a childhood song and then Remixed it. She did she's good at that. She'll just take things from anywhere and then messages from everywhere And combine that shit together. Wow. That was powerful. Yeah Auntie fee fee. Hey, you didn't tell me how was you actually entered the ocean today without me? I did man, you know I went to the water Today's fucking amateur hour because of the holiday. What is it today labor day? Yeah Well, not when they're hearing this. No, but you know, we record these in advance because tom's going to city connection but

um It's amateur hour today Yeah, all the fucking idiots come out with their coolers and their tents and their sleeping bags and their barbecues and their volleyball's Fucking carne asada's and the gang bangers and you're like you're going to the beach guys It's not really that way. It's not far from civilization. Like you don't need to bring the fucking Everything you want to the beach. That's true. You can go without water and food for a couple hours Uh, but anyway, it was so hot and I actually wore my bathing suit to the beach, which I never really do

But it was so hot and I was laying there and I was like fucking I want to do this shit And I got in there and of course the first wave immediately tore off my bottoms So now my asshole's showing to the world and you thought about massage in that moment. I bet I did tom. I thought about you. It's actually my asshole You know, I pulled up my pants and then I got sand all over in my, you know Regions, but it was so much fun. I love the ocean and your and your weco sucio in my yep, whatever that is dirty hole I'm like, yeah, my sucio cool. Oh My coolio de sucio

Um, I love it. I love the ocean man. I think I'm a mermaid. Yeah, I'm a mermaid in my past life Oh, yeah I just I like it. It calms me to fuck down I said the ocean's the one thing that really calms me down besides alcohol and weed We alcohol alcohol then we Let's go and you you calm me down sometimes I calm me down sometimes Sometimes but when you bite your nails and I I get fired up so I feel your anxiety. I don't like that

I know Ass and titties ass ass and titties. I wish I'd find that one. I know. Where is that? It's under ass and titties ass and titties. It's in the ass and titties file Is that in our song file? Let me see if it's in here or not cops are bald and cops are fucking bald and show that song Yeah, let's do that one remix the remix cops are fucking bald Um, this came to us Let's see Do you know who who made this should we announce who made it if you want

Um, so everybody knows That there's one thing you can definitely assert about cops, right cops are all bald in the shit They're all fucking bald in the shit fucking cops are fucking bald Which empirically we've been watching the show cops today Yeah, before we recorded this episode they weren't they had full heads of hair all the cops in iowa do There are a number of them that are fucking bald in shit though Um, felix, I can't tell I don't remember if we played this on the other episode. We didn't we didn't no, okay Felix thank you for sending us uh cops are all bald in shit remix and um

We're very happy to be Playing it for everybody. Uh, thank you guys for listening Please check out your mom's house podcast dot com For all the mommy info We love you. Bye everyone. Bye Oh Oh

I think he's fucking back home Where nice the cholo D-homes Your socks pulled up your cumbers, of course your shorts your dicky shorts crazy do like this