Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 254-Your Mom's House Podcast with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 10, 2014

When Tom picks the opening clips, it's usually porn. But this porn clip is "revolutionary" according to Tom. We deconstruct Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda". Both versions, fart and original. We also explore "the cowboy hip hop" and real "hip hop" dancing.  The cargo pant debate rages on! We look forward to Tom's upcoming Asian dumps. Theo hears his latest song and comes on the show to discuss his royalty agreement. Wendy's has a neat corporate training song. 

it's go time tighten up world tighten up world you like that time we're tighten up world are you in Fort Lauderdale or surrounding areas come to the Fort Lauderdale improv at the Seaman Hole hard cock casino time and I'll be playing at the improv there's September 18th for one night only we're doing just stand-ups important to note that it's the only South Florida show of the year it is no we're not doing Miami we're not doing Lauderdale outside of this we're not doing West Palm if you're in any of those areas telling you please come out

Thursday September it's the only time we'll be doing this together October 2nd through 5th I do the Cincinnati funny bone in Newport Kentucky Leslie real that's a Newport Kentucky okay Cincinnati funny bone don't try to laugh is that right the second is that the first October 2nd through 5th all right and then October 9th the jeans machine and I I just started do the Cubs comedy club we do your mom's house only live so we're just doing the pod live which is very exciting get your tickets now at your mom's house podcast.com and then November 6th at the Highline in Seattle November 7th

Portland at the Analog Cafe and November 8th in Chicago at the empty bottle get your tickets now on your mom's house podcast dot com it's exciting we're doing like your mom's house podcast tour and November and like when in October yeah right now I'm in Singapore so make sure you come see me do my my Singapore shows if you're not available that's too bad I thought that was my phone ringing you know that because it's my ring now you almost panic Singapore Hong Kong and China for the next week I don't know how many I'm dying to meet a mommy somewhere there please come up to me if you see me

stopping through your city well because to them you are Godzilla you realize that you're a hulking beast of an American that's that's probably not how they say that but they will stop and be like OMG he's a big old Barry's gonna eat us so listen bears of course of course that Christina mentioned the Lauderdale date I will be October 2nd through 5th at the Orlando Improv and mom Lando Florida please come see me if you are in that region of Florida and let's do that October tighten up world through five here's some pretty cool things that I've added I've added Minneapolis in October I am going for

one night only to Houston Dallas New Orleans and Oklahoma City in November and Phoenix has been added in December all my tickets are at Tom Segura comm please come out and see me do stand-up comedy it's an all-new hour it is nothing from completely normal let's fucking do this city connection right about now you're stopping around Asia and you have such diarrhea and you're looking for a place to shit but you're gonna only find those hole in the walls right hole in the floors and you're squatting you're squatting all that browns getting all over your butt cheeks and balls and I

along the lines of automating your life y'all please and continue if you already have been please use our banner on your mom's house podcast calm on the Amazon banner click on it takes you through to the site and just shop as you normally would it kicks back a little money to the show and thank you to those who already have we so so appreciate it it really makes a difference huge help guys I love Amazon too man it's all about automation it's all about the other way I didn't realize it before we got into this episode that we're just all about being online I don't want to ever leave the house again as a show

you get online yeah this is we have a mattress you can get online yes get your stamps online yeah and do your shopping online everything dude we're gonna weigh 3,000 pounds on that note are you ready to party oh yeah okay all right okay ooh yeah suck that cock gobble it up baby gobble it up oh I'm gonna come on your face for all the motherfucking niggas in the bootane clan Staten Island and Shaolin oh yeah I'm about to give you my 36 chambers of cum bitch this shit is big time

who is Randy? don't bring anyone loving to this your mom in the fucking stand welcome welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura Tom Segura and Christina Pajitza Christina Pajitza and Christina Pajitza welcome to your mom's house oh

oh What'd you think well, here's what happens like I spent all this time compiling a list of clips For these upcoming episodes we're doing and I feel like when I let you determine the opening clip It's generally pornography No, I heard it already I got it oh Yeah, guys are so gross to listen to yeah, why are guys the grossest at everything? I don't know They just sound disgusting when they do that, but

Do you think that Sotpa will like their first episode that we promo their stuff on? Did you think that was a good I don't know I didn't think about that and that nice corporation That's a good question. Hmm. That is a good question. Hmm. I guess it kind of does fit It's a bed Company, huh? Yeah, interesting Where did you find that? Well, I didn't give you the full clip so

It was sent in by a listener. Do you realize you're not even appreciating how fucking no I get it. It is amazing a guy is shouting out the Wu Tang clan in a porno He throws in a couple extra shouts like Towards towards the end of this I think that this is revolutionary. Yeah, and I don't know if it's ever been done I think this guy's an innovator and One way of looking at it. Come on. He shouts out Shaolin He says I'm gonna give you my 36 chambers of cum. Yeah, that's pretty awesome. It is pretty creative I didn't think of it that way. Yeah, come on. Give the guy a break. Let's see what else he says

Huh? This is for ghostface killer old dirty bastard Mother fucking you God. Oh my god Just it feels a little contrived. What do you mean? I feel like you planned that He might have planned it, but I mean He he now he's shouting out individual members How do you I mean to have the wherewithal to do that while you're climaxing is I guess that's a pretty big talent I mean, you know, everybody knows how famous

Nick Manning is for his dropping dropping fucking loads all over your face and he made that a thing, but You ready for this motherfucking loan This is for ghostface killer old dirty bastard Mother fucking you God. Oh my god, open that Just I always imagine being that The other actress in the scene the actor in the scene where she's like I have to commit I she has to go like yeah I'm ready. Yeah, huh? Oh Oh

Ghostface killer and you got wow It's a lot of come and you got it. You got to give that guy I think a lot of credit for he only named three members There's so many more. Well, not only that but you got to look at who he named he named ghost ghost face Very important. Yeah, ODB, which I don't know when this was recorded But it could be a kind of acknowledgement of the past rest in peace Yeah, right and then to go for you God is a really really unique choice you got hands down the least famous member of the original nine has had the least let's say success in his

independent career his individual Albums and are not as well-known you think Somebody might say and this one is that going out for Riza or Giza, which would be really a double on time Tondra, but even so Method Man much more Popular much more famous. Yeah, this guy was like he wanted you to know. I really listen to the Wu Tang Clan I really I'm a big I appreciate the W and I'm gonna give you

Just for all the guys out there that are also hip-hop heads, right? This one is also for you God I really I I'm sir. I made note of that. I think you're a real fan It's kind of like noting the original members of the cure like you're referencing Poril and Boris or well if he goes this one's for Robert, you know, that's it everyone You're like, well, yeah, I get it But if he starts talking about the original Simon Gallup the original you're like, that's a real fan Yeah, it's a real fan. It's true. So I just I just want to acknowledge that That's a really interesting layer that you bring to this clip. Yeah, it's not just about the the sex it's taking place

You know, it's funny. We we were just listening to the That did he that little tune anaconda today Mm-hmm Nicki Minaj not the remix that we so cherish. There's a wonderful remix out there Yeah, of her just far which is probably my favorite thing I've seen in a while But um, you know, that's an interesting take on the original Sir Mix a lot Yeah, where he's like it's kind of a it's a song celebrating the regular bodies out there So mix a lot said I like big butts and I I can't lie. I'm not gonna lie about it I cannot lie. I'm not even capable of lying. No, and it and he says girls in Cosmo

I got much back. He's celebrating The full voluptuous woman. He's that he's pointing out that society and pop culture is telling you be real thin You know, and he's not down way a hundred pounds And I know that those women are telling you to do that right what I'm telling you is that we like that big Juicy fat double double black ass. Yep You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt. I gotta say and then he goes What's that that's a scratching? Oh, let's do that again That's the DJ scratching yep, did you like that that was so so

So one more time You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt I Really good. Thank you. This is how much I'm out of it. I'm a fucking old guy now that Nicki Minaj song Anaconda I had not heard It's really good. And then we're in the car when we heard it Yeah, well, I saw the video first when I did death squad a hundred episode whatever with Brian and They played the video and I was like wow this single handedly has turned back the clock on the women's movement

Like it's probably one of the dumbest things I've seen in a long time, but then I saw the fart the fart right and that made me like it a little more Yeah, and then today we listened to it in the car. It was on the radio. We didn't actively seek it out or anything Yeah, I well What's it called the college humor? Version is the one that has all the farts So I actually here's the unique thing. I saw the video Before I heard the video got you. It's not that

Yeah So seeing the video you really go like what the fuck is this like they're just in Bikinis the entire fucking time just jiggling their assholes. Yeah, it was which to me is odd that people even give a shit about this video because Like there's pornography now. There's so much access to actual pornography Like why even watch a Nicki Minaj video like there's so you can see gaping assholes all the time Yep, you can see girls doing crazy things for free on the internet like why even bother watching the video? Yeah, I'm a fart video

obviously, yeah the The fart video is really it's really amazing. Is that on YouTube also? I'm pretty sure is that where you play it from? Yeah from YouTube. Yeah, just click type in Nicki Minaj fart Fart remix or something and the beats pretty tight on that. Yeah, so this was This was my exposure to the song to begin with let's see oh It looks like it said Nicki Minaj has had the fart remix removed That must have just happened. No Yeah, I think so. Did you go glad maybe it's on live league still was that was it on live league?

I don't know somebody sent this to us And they take the dumbest part of the song and repeat it that's not the part you repeat over and over Just over a week after Nicki Minaj's release of anaconda video some really wacky guys went hmm We need to add some thoughts in this hero It's just perfect for it and Nicki's anaconda fart remix was born And what do you know? It's already crossed three million views in just three days So every twerk of Nicki beat in the jungle or gym or waterfalls has a hilarious sound effect Yep, it doesn't stop even when Drake sent out the video and don't get us started on the group farting sounds

Have you guys seen the video and what do you think of it? Good humor or just gross? OTT comment and don't forget to subscribe to Hollywood now your daily Hollywood buzz Gross OTT the gross. Oh, is that what she said? It's amazing, let's see if we can get it to play here. I want you guys to hear it because I Want you to I want you to go through the experience that I had before we can talk about the song I want you to know the song that I was exposed to first Let's see ah You found it. It's taken off of there, too. Hold on one second. Yeah, it's so funny here. Let me start you off

Hold on All right, we're back Yeah, so apparently this story is now everywhere and that is that she has had this Amazing fart remix removed from the internet, which is so crazy to do that But who still has it the good people at live leak. So This song is way better than the original I feel like she should have just let it play because it's gonna

Get her more traffic to her dumb song Here is here's what I thought that this video was because all I did was see the video and I thought this was the song Yeah Oh So as you can tell like I thought this was a really good song and I thought she was a fan of your mom's house Obviously, yeah Then in the car, I think it was in the car. Yeah this morning. We were driving today. I got to hear this piece of shit This is though. This is her actual song

Fuck my ass already Jungle it's so fucking stupid these girls are all wearing like booty shorts So fucking lame man My anaconda don't buy anaconda don't my anaconda don't want none unless you got First By anaconda don't My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns I think I like summertime is great over that. I mean, let's just talk about let's break it down

Right, this is so much better And there's so many movements in the video and these guys got different farts to match up with different movements Yeah, it's brilliant pitch. Brilliant. They even have breath like Look when the people when the girls move to like it looks like they're breathing They throw in the breath and then I give you a fart Genius Genius genius My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, huh, which was great phenomenal song and now it's just

It's just a hard time out being a gold digger Yeah So she's saying she likes I guess it's it's really just a flip on on his original on Sir Mixlux version now she's saying I want to fuck. I fuck eyes with big-ass dicks who eat my ass and buy me shit afterwards, right? It's not a bad message. It's positive. It's cool. It's empowering. Yeah. Yeah, I Do feel like like Sir Mixlux original intent was really quite lovely, you know, it was it was like I'm gonna celebrate women that eat. I love these regular bodies and now Nicki Minaj is like 34

36 but then he's like maybe it's just five to that was great and that was fun Yeah, this I feel like this kind of set negates like the whole point of the song like she's just like I just want stuff I like to fuck dicks. I'm fucking the whole and you're like really dude. Really? Are we back to like I think there's a little I mean There's a little more message and I don't mean pay attention. I'm sorry. You're right. I should listen. Okay I So good, it's a really good song the thing is okay, so I was telling you about this podcast I listened to yeah, it's if you want to listen to it. It's called its NPR Ted radio hour podcast and on June 26

They dropped this great one called what is original and it's basically about how That song Lottie Dottie is like the seminal song for like everything everybody steals from Lottie Dottie Right even from the beginning of like here. We go. Oh, that's like right. What's the beginning to Lottie Dottie? Is it here? We go or whatever if I hit it all that shit all of it is stolen and it talks about how in music musicians just quote borrow from other musicians and it's totally legit But in comedy if you're to borrow It's called stealing. Yeah, some reason in the music business Nicki Minaj can completely take Sir mix a lot thing make it dumb

Yeah, now it's dumb it down and wait you just took sir. That's Sir mix a lot. They pay first of all They do pay you have to you got a license the original song to sample it Yeah, but it is like they're just like well just use the thing that you made and that's that was the big thing in the 90s That you know, they especially went after like Puffy P. Diddy Yes, they talked about this in this podcast. Oh, they do how he got fucked first right? Yeah Yeah, well everybody used to light him up because they're like you just took this fucking awesome sting song Yeah, and you know like you didn't create the song You just were like late because that became a popular thing is that they would need like the art a lot of people

Appreciate the art of like producing a hip-hop track. It's that you You took like three chords of something and you layer it with something else plus this drum beat And then it's like creating this magic of the song But if you just go like oh this the the melody of this, you know, fantastically popular song is just laid down And now we're gonna rap over it. It's kind of you kind of go like well, you didn't do the thing that we yeah Excited you didn't use something else with it. Yeah, like I hate to say it But so there is that famous phrase like la da da we likes the party and that's on like so many people have referenced that Yeah, they referenced they talk about how Miley Cyrus takes it and but hers is la da da da

We like to party like you know that dopey song about partying with her friends And I hate a minute, but I kind of like it because you're like, oh at least she took it She didn't take it some producer that she right Figured out a way to kind of make it relevant to 2014. Yeah today, and you're like I get that but this is I mean I don't she's fun. This Nicki Minaj is a real fucking Yikers. She's a twat monster My anaconda don't my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns That's a straight up. That's the song right there. That's the whole thing. Yeah

It's kind of interesting to think about At her butt That what she's selling really is just like it really is just sex I come fuck me eat my ass What your big stinking dick in the car like yeah, it's it's really like timeless classics It's almost like she should I don't know like maybe she should Consider I'm not saying she should do it, but maybe she should consider giving a Shout-out on her on this song or any song just straight up to the Kind of a good idea

And I saw that like I grew up we grew up with Madonna She was crazy, but she was also kind of rad like she did a lot of rad shit Like burn crosses and French kiss black Jesus and shit and you're like, yo, that's kind of crazy But kind of tight but just to fucking grow up with this dumb shit and to be a girl and be like, oh my god Like what is this? Yeah, do I have to be that for dudes to like me? Yeah, no, but thankfully there's people like Adele never really talented like That Lord that Lord girl is really good. Like Jesus Christ. She is something fucking else. I had that song I still am not so good

Wow, man in my library your life very my library But that but Nicki Minaj to her credit She is like a black Barbie like she's super pretty like she's fucking built the chick is definitely built for fucking She's built for sucking I Didn't know she was 16 the girls. She's a baby 16. Yeah, dude singing this shit. Yeah, dude

I like the I don't know how I don't know anything about like, you know Technical music turns but having that repeat of like the court like the three girls singing it repeating the bottom behind her Yeah, yeah, it's beautiful. I mean, it's not the same as I want to fuck you and toss my salad And I just want hamburgers and shit. Don't be rude. I mean, this is pretty good That is a bastard I Like this one is so much better. I think this is a better song, but seriously, are we done with like Girls just being gold diggers. I thought that was I thought we're done What what about how about the girl just makes her own guy?

Nicki Minaj makes our own fucking money like Nicki Minaj is worth tens of millions So why is she singing about taking dude money show me the fucking dudes money? I don't feel like yeah He has to buy me. So yeah, why dude just talk about making your own money, dude Yeah, it's so over it. We do need like that girl Now it's really saying Like this This is saying some this is more I think I would want the youth of today to watch this Over

Well go to live leak if you can and type in Nicki Minaj fart remix So here's a story with that I just found the news article Nicki Minaj Gets viral fart video removed South African comedy duo Derek Watts and the Sunday Blues have had their Nicki Minaj video parody anaconda anaconda fart remix removed from the internet by Nicki Minaj herself and universal oh You anaconda fart remix had nearly six million views in one week the comedy duo made a video message for universal and Minaj We have to say it is absolutely hilarious

The video made by the South African comedy duo has been ripped by several other YouTube users still on the internet for people to enjoy Let's see Here's all that is let's see if we can get there Nicki Minaj fart I like how it says Nicki Minaj herself is taking down these yeah, something tells me she doesn't know how to do that So here's the guys that that put it up, and I guess they're gonna talk about how it was Removed but it was really really actually you can't tell just by listening, but it was brilliant the way they put it together Like it was the internet. I'm Nick. I'm gareth. We dick watching the Sunday Blues a week ago We edited and uploaded a video called Nicki Minaj anaconda fart remix

Since then Nicki Minaj and her label universal have been trying to get it removed off the internet, and they succeeded I Think they think they're a bit upset about the fact that that our video Actually has a concept It's a bit of a David and Gala situation here says if says if Nicki Minaj and her label are like a massive Bum just huge could probably swallow like a small child And we are like this tiny little non-existent Taylor Swift bum Nicki Minaj

Maybe if you don't want people to make fun of your videos you shouldn't flip your bum around on the internet for three and a half minutes straight The video still exists on the internet Mainly from the internet leeches who downloaded it off our channel and then re-uploaded it to theirs Do you think they're gonna get those ones removed? Oh, I'm sure they will. I mean, I'm sure they're very thorough Not just ours because it got six million This is my dog Feed him this month and then you took our video down. Look at him. He's hungry. Oh, this is on you Nicki You why what you got against feeding dogs?

Why do you hate animals? Universal Well, like universal decks There's a lot of decks on the internet there are a lot of decks on the internet. Why is she no fun? Why did she have the fart remakes removed? I know it's a because I do feel like it's actually pressed for the real thing because then people are Gonna go look to see what the original is of course they like it. They like it Remember we were talking about how Cosby got super mad at House of Cosby's like routine doesn't like it anymore Yeah, the lawyers say this is ridiculous

characters and salt and makes the old valiant happen And go poop in the toilet The Cosby's and funny does not laugh That sucks totally No sense of humor around it. I feel like I wouldn't fuck with some kids Let them do what they want feel like you could just you know be cool about it. I know world. Yeah, tighten up world Yeah, what the frock what the frock is right? Well, Nicki Minaj, we enjoyed the fart remix much more than we enjoyed your original

Anaconda video Speaking of hip-hop Do you like hip-hop? I mean, yeah, I don't know a ton. I don't know as much about it as you do But yeah, I feel like I know more I'm pretty street though. I'm pretty good. You are we should maybe get into like Maybe learning how to dance but maybe with a twist. Okay Hi, I'm Diane Horner and welcome to country hip-hop the newest trend in country line dancing We've seen this hip-hop dancing all over the United States, Canada as we've been touring now. Let's meet our hip-hop dancers

TJ Was her hip-hop name yeah, Heidi's a hip hopper Jamie. Yeah, Susan's a big hip-hop name I think we're ready to go. Let's do some great hip-hop dancing Now would you dance lessons with me? Yeah, you would yeah, I think you should You know, I actually did take a hip-hop dance like class to exercise a couple of years. No, I did And no idea about this. I was so bad at it that people openly the teacher openly mocked me and laughed at me This is one of the most ridiculous videos I've ever seen. Yeah, there's no way I can do justice to it By just playing it. We'll put it up. How many times do you think she says hip-hop in her little video?

No, man Hip-hop, how many times do you think she says hip-hop how many slices of wonder bread or in the wonder bread good guess That's the cowboy hip-hop the cowboy hip-hop the cowboy hip-hop The cowboy hip-hop the cowboy hip-hop the cowboy hip-hop cowboy hip-hop Cowboy cowboy hip-hop. Let's do it twice more cowboy hip-hop It's the word the worst mix of two worlds. This is like a seafood ice cream place. Yes. Yes. Yes Salmon chocolate. It's Cajun yogurt. Yep Well, she's up in butternut squash. She's got on to like a denim on denim thing

Right, isn't she wearing a denim on denim? She's wearing horrific clothes. So is everybody Just white people leave it alone. Just stop it white people. It's it's dated I mean, it definitely was the one they were like this hip-hop thing's kind of a fad. We should give it a shot It's it's back in that era, you know Yeah, remember there was a time in the 90s when like country line dancing got cool Yeah, and in LA there was this club called denim and diamonds that like normal like urban people would go to Yeah fucking mortifying like people being like you want to try country line dancing. I'm like absolutely not That sounds fucking dumb. Yeah, I'm not I'm not country. You're not country

You lived in North Carolina, but I bet you did a lot of country hip-hop dancing I did a guy did a fair share of country hip-hop dancing me and my friend Travis. We would go out him and me and Trevor and Mary and we would go we would do our thing. Yeah, yeah, we had a guitar. I mean I used to fuck with a girl in Morgantown. I get it Oh Really I like your intro so guys, you know the cargo pant debate rages on and Jesus Christ somebody here has really put me in my place This is a real debate that says mommy's I've been enjoying the great cargo shorts debate And I feel like I've learned a lot now for those of you who missed the initial cargo shorts debate a few episodes back I

Came to the conclusion that cargo shorts and cargo pants create kind of a bulge The bulge effect their dick shorts and what they do is a accentuate a man's Penis and what did I say? I said it's fucking ridiculous. I said, you don't know what you're talking about I said, I don't even want to entertain this discussion. Yeah, it's ridiculous I says I says to Christina. I says no way many many people let us know via Twitter via email Where they stand on the debate and we got to say it was it was pretty much split down the middle No, I think people were more in in my court on this Tom. Let's be real. No, they were not. Okay Anyways, he says what I think

But I think one part of the issue fucking help reading well because he wrote But I think I part of the issue and I think he meant to write but I think one part but he put in the letter I Okay, but I think one part of the issue here is that my two mommies are working with different definitions of what? constitutes a quote bulge now That's a really interesting point the thing about cargo shorts is that any white suburban dad worth his shit knows You have to wear them loose and billowy. There's no such thing as tight-fitted cargo shorts I believe there is a Euro trash exception But if anything that's the exception that proves a rule because they're so loose they're going to puff out

Especially in the crotchal area, but let's be clear This is not an authentic see and be bulge cocking balls An experienced crotch watcher knows not to be fooled by this Exactly what you're seeing is not a glorious hog being lovingly caressed and shown off for the enjoyment of all You're just seeing extra Fabric that has nowhere else to go Christina. If you don't believe this I challenge you you To put on a pair of cargo shorts, I bet you will see the same fake bulge effect I hope this helps mommily yours

Patrick Can I tell you something heated can I tell you something yeah, that's someone with some fucking sense That wrote they wrote that email Patrick knows what the fuck he's talking about, you know, I think the bulge isn't real That's what I've been saying the whole time Yes, I have It's not a dick bulge. It's a fabric bulge, but that god damn it But what's the difference? Listen, the illusion is the same as the perception is the same as reality here

Okay, it doesn't fucking matter whether or not listen to me day carts. It's that perception is reality Okay, the fact that the illusion of the penis bulge is there. It makes it good enough for me. What about this? I have another email and this is especially in light of your trip to Asia it's a city connection. Mm-hmm. Hey, mommies. I've been living in Asia mostly Taiwan for about five years now And I gotta tell you the best shits of my life have occurred here Not some of my best shits all Of my best Wow

It's exciting right that is something I did not expect a succulent Chinese me Yeah, now as you know many factors contribute to a great shit It has to be a well-rounded experience and I believe that those Asian toilets with the built-in asshole washer Slash water massager is what has put many of those good shits over the top toilet with an ass washer Yes, babe. Okay. I'm trying to tell you all right He says here I was fortunate enough to rent a place for a year that had one of these toilets and after Resisting due to preconceived notions that having anything touched my asshole other than toilet paper

Made me gay. I finally tried it made me gay No, sometimes think the people think that the day can make you gay, but they can't I can't make you gay Revolutionary a steady stream of water somehow finds the asshole every time the power of which could be adjusted on a scale from 1 to 5 It's warm not hot and you just kind of glide come sorry You kind of guide it with slight hip movements until you are satisfied I would say until you feel clean, but you will probably linger long after that point because it feels so good Huh, huh? Fucking

Also, they have a button that is just for lady parts cleanup. Wow That's pretty interesting and he says don't presume this is just for you Christina mommy tea if you were to get curious about Curious and hit this button as I have you get the sensation of someone gently tonguing your bag It's a perfect way to end a brown like a happy ending to a massage You need to wipe down Well, there you go something to look forward to on your trip First we have to understand the characteristics of normal equine poop Chaped fecal balls loose stool fecal balls that have excess water before or after defecation

cow pie watery diarrhea or even projectile diarrhea Projectile diarrhea projectile diarrhea fecal matter or fecal fluid that's dried on the horse's rump Climb diarrhea. Climb diarrhea. Climb diarrhea by an excess of water or fluid in the horse's stool You climb diarrhea is generally considered to be a colonic or hind get problem diarrhea with bad quality feed diarrhea Climb diarrhea fecal balls fecal balls fecal balls in some cases a rectal biopsy may be necessary Oh, good. You're gonna have equine diarrhea in Asia. How how long do you think it'll take before you get your first bout? Let's do the over-under on this. Let's do the over-under on it. That's a good idea Let's see I arrive Sunday

Even one there right now, of course, right? I think right now. I'm shitting right now as you're listening to this episode. Okay, so I'm giving this a Wednesday I think I have a couple days of them holding it together I think I binge eat Tuesday evening. That's the key and then I fucking I am shitting Wednesday That's the problem because here's what you're gonna do knowing knowing you is that you're on a severe time difference, right? Yeah, and it's just gonna happen that you're gonna after shows you're gonna be super hungry Yeah, overdo it late at night, which is actually like I don't know late morning our time or something like you It's gonna fuck up your your system. Yeah

Look remember when I um Would eat late night in South Africa and then I'd wake up in the middle of the night with crippling diarrhea Yeah Yeah, well, it's big time change too. So you're really not waking up with diarrhea. You're having diarrhea in the middle of the day You just don't know it doesn't look like your body clock is all fucked up. You're gonna be fucked up What's really neat today is that you? Were sleeping we took a nap after we filmed the stuff today And then you woke you just belched in the middle of your sleep like I'm amazed at how easily you belch

Like it will be we were driving today, and it had been a full hour since we ate lunch Yeah, that's normal and just didn't drink anything or anything and just out of the way you ripped one like I know I Just saw the button so I pressed it So I burp. Yeah, I burped in my sleep, too. I woke up from that nap and I burped Right. Yeah, I burped before the nap and I burped kind of laying there And then when I woke up I burped and then I farted for you, too Yeah, that was neat. Thank you for that like and you also did some plies to accompany the farts that I could see it

I'm a showman. I'm a performer. I'm not just gonna just fart I'm gonna put a little seasoning on it You know I was waiting for you We're filming the show for true TV right now And I don't know if I can really say what it is but Tom today. I was convinced you were gonna fart We've been knowing this crew now. We've been working with them for like two months or so Oh, I would have if I had one. I just didn't have one I thought for sure you're gonna fart in front of everybody today

I would have in a heartbeat Because those chairs were like that plastic hard plastic who would have been an awesome fart It would have been me It's the last day of summer this last weekend. Can you believe it? It's getting dark already look at 730 is getting dark out How does that happen again? You know you understand the way the world works. How does it happen? Oh? Daylight daylight savings times And that's what happened. That's the answer. Well, what happens? Well, what happens is that the daylight moves? Cuz then also

And then the stars That's what you just said fucking fucking Right, I don't fucking happen Fucking son is like fuck you planet earth and it's all we're gonna fucking make the day shorter, huh? Huh cops are all ballin shit The earth is like moving farther away from the sun and shit. Can we ask you fucking like fuck you man? Fuck you motherfucker This is something

Can we talk about this real quick motherfucker is that? This is airing in an order that is a little out of whack because of you know We forgot the episode and stuff okay, but how much people are flipping out for Obi-Wan Canole's man And rightly so that is crazy that guy knocked it out of the park Knocked it out of the park. I mean we keep the tweets keep coming in the emails are like holy shit I don't think it's one of like the biggest responses. We've ever had to To like a you a listener submitted song. I mean we've had a bunch and you guys Holy cow. Did you hear that like Nicki Minaj sound like she's walked in the room

We've had a number of people you know create amazing amazing songs max Newman Ghosts crew A bunch of you guys have said Jesus Christ and it's really you're so gross doing it There's there's always been an amazing amazing response. You guys always appreciate as do we what you guys send in but my god The the it's just I don't know if we've ever considered this amount of work on a song It's 20. He said it's 20 hours. He would work on it two or three hours a day. It's nuts It's just it's so good. I Want to play it again. Do it. I have it in my head all day

Ten times. Damn it is on and then the dog barking. It's amazing because what happened is that we We don't normally have We've never had somebody they created a song Not just like here's things said in a cool melody, which is awesome. He made spoken word rhyme I'm just blown away. Well, here's a problem with the song. Yeah, you know who heard it Now he wants his cut. Yeah, he's like he's like how many iTunes Where's that on iTunes? How many how many purchases have been made? Yeah? Yeah, we can't really I don't want to talk about it Oh, he's gonna hear it if we play it. Do I play it or not?

Turn it down. Turn it down. He's right here. He's looking over you right now I was kind of afraid of him. He's got a knife in his bed right now. Yeah, did you give him that knife? Looks like he's dozing off. Let's just play it I'm just spoken like a mother fucker man I run LA basically south of the town Feed me sandwiches Pat's all the time Balls licked Get some barbecue

I'm the all goddamn day He's running shit south of the town 10 times came with your ass on there From the hundreds black to the world Vodka, gin, I don't play around these parts, you know what I'm saying? He's running shit south of the town 10 times came with your ass on there From the hundreds black to the world

Vodka, gin, I don't play around these parts, you know what I'm saying? I'm a wild animal. I stab you in your sleep. Get your ass out of my face. Respect my privacy. I don't feel nothing I get what I need. I'm a weirdo. I'm gonna do the siphon gas from your jeep. I've been outside You ain't shit. I piss this shit where I walk. You better not forget that kind of damn y'all lazy I never stop hustling. Give me something to get something. They gotta pay up You could get kidnapped. You're under my care. Better show mother fuckers respect. Uh, yeah Of course not. I love them. New corvettes. What I do is what I've been doing. Oh, shit. You cannot disrespect me Can I add one of this mother fucker black

Pineapple to take out and just get your shit done 24-7 who's number one? He's running shit south of the town 10 times came with your ass on there From the hundreds black to the world Vodka, gin, I don't play around these parts, you know what I'm saying? He's running shit south of the town 10 times came with your ass on there

From the hundreds black to the world Vodka, gin, I don't play around these parts, you know what I'm saying? You act like I didn't live outside for three years. I live outside cause stepping up the game Yo, when the fuck are we going back to the dog park? I have people Chihuahua Luffy Gert Labradors

I'm still all goddamn Guys, if you want to give a shout out To the man that made Theo jam, you're gonna his he's on twitter now. He just started an account. It's at OB1 cannoli. So at OBE the number one C-A-N-N-O-L-I let OB1 cannoli know how much you love it. That's at OBE number one C-A-N-N-O-L-I amazing

I heard y'all play it. So what was that? Oh, shit. Oh, hey, Theo Hey I thought you were sleeping. You said my name. I heard I heard my that track again so y'all Y'all get like the royalty agreement set up yet or not um Well, Theo, it's really not like that. See he didn't you didn't record the song

The guy like pulled clips from you talking on the show and then Piece it together. So you technically didn't record the song. Okay. Number one. I should say you don't know shit about shit Okay, I talked to a lawyer yesterday. Oh Theo First of all, I got multiple lawsuits about to get filed this week. Okay Theo and no, you need to shut up for a second. Okay You better tell his motherfucker to take this shit down I'll remove the song

Just like Nicki Minaj did. Okay Uh, how are you gonna remove it? Who's your dog? Okay, well, I have money and I hired a lawyer and I want first of all, I want I want all the licensing fees that I need to collect. They're using my likeness and they sampled my voice And they didn't even give me shit. So y'all better give me my money I want I want a buyout amount and a roll a back in 95 percent royalty back in an agreement And also, I know you sold more motherfucking shirts

And you haven't paid me for that yet, but that's cool. I got I wasn't your purse at last night just so you know I'm sorry. Good luck finding shit that's missing from your purse. I noticed that I noticed that lately when I leave my purse out And I'm not in the same room as you You've been rummaging through my stuff Yeah And just eating whatever you find in there, which is really rude. Well, we get first of all, I'm getting my cash advance Okay, whatever we'll discuss that some other time, but What happened the other day?

We had to take you to the vet because you ate a bunch of tin foil. I didn't eat tin foil What was it? I was I had a sandwich for lunch And then I wanted something like a little snack afterwards And I was I went in the fridge And I had some cheese And then I accidentally took too big of a bite and it went down

And then it came up That's it. It's simple shit Were you drinking alcohol at the time? I may have had a little something Are you drinking Hennessy during the day? Yeah, what have we discussed about drinking during the day at the oh, uh with my business? It's not your business of mind y'all. Okay. It's kind of my house, but that's fine. What about smoking in the house? We discussed that you've been still doing that. It's not cool. You know what you should focus on. What?

Uh Shit that applies to you And leave me alone. All right. I smoke. I drink It's my body. Okay. I do whatever the fuck I want. Okay We're just we're thinking about maybe getting a second dog. Would you be interested in getting a little brother or sister? I'll pick him out You'll pick out the other dog. Yep first of all if he comes in here is trying to Trying to tell me what the fuck's going on on this block. He's gonna learn real quick

I mean you bringing fresh meat is a different experience for that motherfucker. It's gonna be a different experience I'm gonna show you exactly What happens when a new motherfucker walks inside Please don't threaten the new dog if we get one. The fuck are you thinking about? Why do you want a new dog? Well, we just we love to have Tom and I love you as our new little son and it's just been so wonderful having you despite your quarks You're your lovely dog What's that give a fuck about that bullshit sing that song to somebody that wants to hear it. All right, okay

I love you. Yeah, I love you so much I will snap a dog's neck in this house Even a cute little puppy even a cute little bitch ass puppy a bitch ass puppy. Is it gonna be a bitch or not? Well, that's the thing. I wanted to ask you. Did you want a boy or a girl? I'm trying to fuck. So I'd like a Okay, girl Out the thing is I always got to go on a walk to get my nut and it'd be nice to just roll over and stick it in somebody Well, you know, you're neutered. Everybody knows that you're neutered. I like big pussy, too. I like okay. I like Big breed, you know, we're talking like

16 20 inches high. I like that shit Stick it in the side. That is so dumb like to get on the side. Okay Theo I don't believe you. I've never seen you hump anything. I feel like labs got a nice ass Why didn't you puke on tom's shoes the other day? Mother fucker? He did the he disrespected me on a walk So, you know, I did I disrespected what takes him on a walk You understand? Oh, I see what you're saying. Oh, it was revenge. I'm gonna try to pull at least say come over here

Well, you know what? Why don't you go buy some new shoes, bitch? Wow Wow You know, I was hoping over time Theo that You might get used to being with your new family and you might settle in and just kind of relax No, this isn't you're not in the old neighborhood anymore. Yeah. Is that what you're hoping for over time? Give him my fucking money. Okay, Theo All right, maybe you should just go back to sleep. You're a little grumpy right now. Where are my pills pills?

Yeah, what pills Theo I got pain pills Pain pills. Yeah No, yes, are you taking tom's pills that he got from the doctor? I took I have Vicodin and I have perks No, I put them on my shelf and I don't see them now Those aren't yours. Those are mine well Just I just want you to know that everything you think you have

I've already stashed all over the place. It's all over the house and all over this yard Okay, could you just stop going through my purse and stop going through my stuff? I saw you digging through my suitcase that was open the other day. It's really rude And I saw that you went through and you opened up the non-dairy creamer that was in my Suitcase that I traveled with and you licked it. I'm out. Just remember one thing. Okay one thing. Listen up. Yeah Talk to my life. Okay. Thank you, Theo That dog I tell you what happened. He just walked out. Did you hear that? I was just outside. What did he do? Oh my god, he's threatening legal action against us for this legal action. Yeah, what do you mean?

He says he has an attorney now and he's going to try to get paid for the Theo song that we just played We don't even own that song. No, I know I try to explain to him and that's not how it works He's just he's such an asshole. You know, it just goes to show you can take the dog out of the ghetto Can't take the ghetto out of the dog. God damn it. What's wrong with him? He's never gonna just relax into this house Yeah, you know um Another song came in. Well, let's do this first. We like hip-hop We like to hear and we like, you know, we like

Cool corporate songs. We've obviously open Open the doors on that, you know So Here's another cool corporate song, but since today's focus is hip-hop. Here's a guy. It's got a hip-hop twist to it Water cold tea, it's up to you. It's up to me cold dreams come in four cups gotta know the size before you fill it up This is a wendy's Cup training video. You gotta know the size before you fill it up. Why does she say it's up to you? It's up to me. Well, it's not up to me. It's this is your problem. Yeah, it's up to you. Your problem, motherfucker

You pick the size. There's four sizes. You gotta know Biggie medium small kids meal. Keep it straight. It's a good deal use the scoop to fill with ice Never use the cup take my advice But soft drinks fill the ice halfway no matter the size. That's what I say Tilt the cup and push against the lever keeps the foam down now. Isn't that clever if they're still foam Let it settle down. Don't pour it off or your boss will frown when you reach a quarter inch from the top That's where you want to stop. Oh my god. Why are they not filling it up all the way to the top? Why a quarter inch? I think this video should be called here how we don't give you your full soda

You know why bro? They teach you that of starbucks too Uh because when the lid goes on you don't want the fluid to squirt out and people get pissed at you Yeah, that's true. Yeah, let me teach you customers say they want to stay put the drink on the left hand side of the tray If the order's to go put the lid on tight make sure it pops to do it right Then hand that drink to the coordinator and tell the guest you'll see him later Don't forget to smile. Do you really tell us specific that was like that's a fucking sat question Can I tell you the smiles though as much as we always um, you know the whole like And people in society are like, why aren't you smile ladies?

I always say it's women, but you know what sucks is the grumpiness of a shitty server Yeah, remember we were in denver and we went to brunch that bartender. Yeah. Oh, yeah He ruined the he was terrible and it was such a nice place and we were so happy to be there and then he was just so mean No acknowledgement. No, and then he was like, yeah And then the other guy remember the older guy came and sat down the other guy was like, uh Kind of a beers. Do you have And he you know the guy did the bartender He's at a nice restaurant. He's opened it and pointed. He goes right here

And the guy goes out of my glasses. I can't read he goes Well, we got a bunch of stuff. Just pick a beer ass. Yeah. He's like, what do you have on draft? The guy goes, what am I on draft? And he goes, well, I mean like he goes, what do you know? What do you like and the guy's like, I mean I fucking I don't know man I like a lot of stuff. I just want to know what you have and the guy opened the fridge door. He was like You read this and like just put a beer in front of him He was a total dick. Yeah, you know, you never know what people are

Kind of going through that day, but I know at least try to be polite like it's a service job, right? You gotta kind of put it aside. I know it's so hard to serve the public day today, man Fuck it is hard, but listen to the specifics on that wendy shit. It was like the guy could have used a little bit That's me You're the one that can make the difference For lemonade things stay the same half full with ice I set it again build a juice to a quarter inch from the top just like you did the pop Water is a courtesy to our guests use a small cup. You know the rest

Now it's time to serve cold tea, but the ice is different. Listen carefully It's different fill it all the way up to the top of the cup Add the tea and if they ask for lemon put it here now. That's a given Cold drinks. That's all there is to it. Go ahead and try. I know you can Wow, they really produced an actual track like this is a fully produced song Well the specifics, I mean who knew that working at wendy's you had to get that cup shit. So right Yeah, they really full you got to put on the left side of the tray Jesus the pressure I would fuck that up

Instantly I there's no way I can remember all that Somebody wrote I am strangely attracted to the singing lady her dead stare Sterile voice and sickly pale skin are hypnotizing. Yeah, that's nice. It is nice. Yeah That's a tough job wendy's. Yeah, fuck that. I never worked fast food. Did you ever work fast food? Never? No, that's a tough even I was like, you know what I've done Lots of I've done food service, but man not fast food. That's that's a whole other level man It's kind of stank all the time. I have a lot. I've really With them because I feel like they deal with a lot of shit. Now some of them are assholes

You know and it's a it's a job that like you can pretty easily get and they hire some pretty Spectacular zeros on the on the scale, but like I do I feel for them. I really do. Yeah The pace is high. Uh, there's grease flying everywhere. I mean, it's repetitive. It's got to be a mcdonald's It's got to be the fucking worst. Yeah. God damn it. I would kill myself. That's a bad job. You sent me another thing About hip-hop. This is another one. Yeah. Have you seen this? Yeah, it's fucking terrible. And it's just okay It's terrible. It's so terrible. It's just somebody's shot at a video. Well, it's this older lady who's like, I'm fond of hip-hop dancing And she just like tells you how to hip-hop dance. It's so rad Hey, I'm dina. Look at my feet. My feet are straight ahead. You don't want to do that

You want to turn your feet out and I'm going to do this backwards And that's what makes it look like hip-hop. What this is is hip-hop is everything's down low Makes it look like hip-hop. Just keep with it. It all is an appeal. Staying with it I think the first thing you need to know about hip-hop It's all about your posture And you know growing up my posture was really bad. My mom used to tell me all the time Stand up straight. Stand up straight. Well, you know what? I was standing up straight and hip-hop is this One two three four hit

And the more relaxed you are it that's what makes it hip-hop. This is amazing. You love it I knew it. I knew it. I knew it See she's like 50 and white. You know what's brilliant about this? This is the key to a great awful dance video There's no music. Right. So you really get to hear To the cowboy one is fantastic. There's just too much bullshit going on in the background First thing I will say to you you want to do hip-hop you got to stand like this And a hip-hop head we have this boom bam every time uh, uh or uh, uh your hands are always Like she reminds me of the manager of the worst comedy club in in america. Yeah, yeah, yeah

If you work at comedy club and you know where the worst one is located She's a lot like this this start out. Just hitting it hitting it hitting it. Ah, that's so embarrassing. Uh, here we go The music is not that that's what we call popping ah straight Straight I went to this club right and um They had no baggy pants and no sneakers That was wild. Okay. I didn't know what to think about that. I took some of this from an african piece

Um, and they asked good pieces. Okay, so this is chopped up clearly Well, it gets better. It gets better. It just keeps to stay with her. It's good Somebody has just by the way sometimes comments are brilliant on youtube. Somebody has written She is the fourth original member of tlc that was cut The group used to be tlcs. It was t-baz left eye chili and shitty Okay, that's nice But in hip hop it's like this. Oh, say there's a difference She's doing this like yo, what's up like hand gestures. She looks like jeraldine ferraro remember her from the 80s

Oh, man, she looks like she looks like she looks like she she manages um, like a panera bread And uh in omaha or something This is me. This is how I am. This is a lifestyle I'm in the point spot, but they're not your average points This is me. This is my lifestyle y'all This is i'm hip hop Yeah, what are you gonna do when she sucks so many black hearts? I want to see that video I want to see the video of her just polishing off

Fucking knobs and just having it, you know having some guy like yeah, bitch. You know, what's up, bitch statin island Shallow in oh, yeah, i'm about to give you my 36 chambers of cum, bitch. Oh, oh, yes You ready for this motherfucker? Yeah, i'm ready I mean, this is me. This is hip. I'm hip hop. I love this is who I am This is for ghostface killer. Yeah, I like him He bastard. Yeah, mother fucking you guys. Oh wow. Oh my god, open that toe Hip hop's my line my lifestyle y'all toes are pointed out

Hip hop goes out hip hop goes out hip hop is an attitude. It's right here That's why I feel it's a style So it can go out Hit hit. Ah, ah This is going up immediately. Terrific, right? You have to put this on. I know flex foot Bit back it's all in your attitude. It's right here in your faces and how you dress is the way you look She is giving the lessons on what hip hop is The dorky white lady. It's amazing. It's in your attitude. It's in your heart. I am hip hop

I want to tell you another thing that makes hip hop hip hop I Do this at the end of class every class I hit here a second hit here Hit here. Sometimes I vary it If you're nice and you got a bald head. I like black eyes with bald heads And you're just sweet and you have a hip hop in your heart I will swallow the hip hop right out of you

And I'll do it because I feel it too. I like hip hop I'll give them a bye They look at me like I'm crazy, but then they know this right here is me That is you. Oh, and then I give them the b-boy stance peace. I'm out Wow, that was spectacular. Did you I knew you love that that was spectacular. I had a feeling that was in your wheelhouse That's amazing. I was like, this is Tom We're gonna have to revisit her in detail more Boom

Hip hop hip hop dancing I'm a hip hop. This is a short song somebody made. We got a run. Um, this was a lot of fun Thank you for joining the jeans machine. Don't forget to come see me if you're in singapore or uh, hong kong or mcow and um Yeah, that's uh, that's it visit your mom's house podcast Dot com please send us emails your mom's podcast at gmail.com. That's your mom's Cast at gmail.com. Anything else jeans? I love you. I love you I love the listeners. I was talking to the listener. Oh, okay. You were talking to me. No. Well, I am hip hop

I love the despite his shitty attitude. Oh, Jesus guys. This was money. All right. Um, bye jeans. Bye Hey Yeah, that was a raunchy ass fart