Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 255 - Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 12, 2014

Please don't talk, please don't touch my service dog! Don't talk to my dog, the dog is being good. You're getting the dog in trouble, you di@k! Maybe Peter Caine is right??? Tom's in Hong Kong aka "City Connection" right now. He had a real nice hair cut before he left and we talk about it. Christina admits to seeing the same hairdresser since 1998, but he's awesome so don't sweat it.  Cops are still all fu$%in bald and s$it. We discuss nightmare jobs for us personally. Being nocturnal is horrible. COPS is our new favorite show. It's fun to watch people who cook meth getting arrested. And you should always look at the positive aspects of your meth cooking spouse. Christina gets punished for using her BIG WORDS in the last episode... Aunty Fee takes the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. 

A woman breastfeeding the airplane. Oh. Oh, sorry. A woman breastfeeding, you say. Yeah, I want to talk about that. I saw a woman walking down the aisle of an airplane as she was breastfeeding, which is an odd choice. You don't really see that.

I'm in China right now. Oh, how is it there? It's great. I'm having the best time. I just flew back real quick to do this and I'm flying back. How have shows been going? Great. I'm having the best time. Nothing bad happened in Singapore. I didn't chew gum or nothing.

Did you bring drugs? You should definitely smuggle drugs. Nope. Don't like it. Don't like jokes about it. And... Yeah. When's Locked Up Abroad starting again, man? Locked Up Abroad. He was a comedian doing shows. Here you go.

And then he did 25 years. Time's a good... Time's a good... But, yo, check it out. God is real. Big shout out to God. Okay. September the 18th. Christina and I are doing the Fort Lauderdale Improv.

Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Our only South Florida show of the year. No more West Palm shows. No Miami shows. No Lake Okeechobee shows. No Jacksonville. No Jupiter. No Jupiter. No Stewart.

No Port St. Lucie. No Fort Pierce. No Dade County. None of nothing in Dade County. No Vero Beach. No way. No Vero. No Sebastian. No Melbourne. It's all September 18th.

Fort Lauderdale, Florida. The Seaman Hole Hardcock Casino. Please come and see these jeans. Extra high and tight. We're gonna have a blast that night. It's one show. That's it. It's one of the days where you really get to put a little extra into it. Because you don't even have to do one.

It's a blast. The two show nights really are fucking exhausting sometimes. Because you can't recreate the same kind of magic twice. It's like impossible, dude. Dog, I'm saying after that, I'm going to Mom Lando. And that's in Florida, obviously. Some people, like on the books, it says Orlando.

But it's Mom Lando, Florida. And I'll be there October 2nd through the 4th. 5th, probably. No, 5th. Excuse me. October 2 through 5. Orlando, Florida. The Mom Lando improv.

Now that would be October 2nd. October 3rd. October 4th. And October 5th. That's the way I like to do reads. Christina's more like, Just pick it. Just say a day. And then just don't even mention it again.

Now, from there, his jeans get higher. And they only get tighter. Because he is going to Minneapolis to Acme Comedy Club. And he will be strong for her. He will be there doing many shows. Acme and Minneapolis, one of my favorite clubs in the country.

Why don't you marry it then? I might marry it. And then, what's the last one? Well, that's it for October. But we do the live podcast. And it gets crazy. October 9th. We're at Cobbs in San Francisco,

Manfran Disco to our listeners. That's going to be a special one. We haven't been there in a while. It's a Thursday. And Tina and I are together. And then we go together to do the podcast. We're making up for Seattle where Christina couldn't be there.

She's coming to the High Line November 6th. November 7th. We're in Portland. Analog Cafe in Portland, Oregon. And then November 8th. Our big Chicago blowout. It's the podcast in Chicago at the empty bottle.

And we have a very special guest that we cannot yet announce. Oh, MG. But it's going to be fucking crazy. These folks don't even know what's about to happen in Chicago. No, Chicago's going to be nuts. We're talking like Hall of Fame shit.

Chicago. What else, Jeans? Okay, guys. So that's what's up. October 2nd through 5th. I'm at the Cincinnati Funny Bone in Newport, Kentucky. Let's be honest.

Okay. The club is not in Cincinnati. Okay. That's October 2nd. October 3rd. October 4th. October 5th. Cincinnati Funny Bone.

And then I do Cobbs. And I do that whole chiboodle. Then November 20th through 23rd. Right before Thanksgiving. I do the Toledo Funny Bone in Toledo, Ohio. How do you say it? O-H.

I-O. But they don't say that for Toledo, usually. Oh, they don't? Why doesn't Toledo get the special O-H? Because the school is in Columbus. Oh, I didn't know. I was pertaining to a school. It's kind of school specific.

I thought it was just because people loved Ohio so much, like I love Ohio. I guess you could say it anywhere in the state. You know what? I don't mean to reign on your idea or your parade. I mean, you could be like, you know, I'm from Centerville and I'm from Centerville O-H.

I-O. There you go. I like Ohio. Um, I don't know. December 3rd through 6th, Crackers Comedy Club. Broad Ripple. Indianapolis. Ooh.

Come see me there. I've been there a few times. You know who's there? Um, Jeff Tate? No. You don't know? Miss Pat. Shut the...

Oh, that's right! She lives in Indy. Maybe I'll say hi to her. Maybe she'll come out. Who knows? Okay, Miss Pat. She's busy. Okay.

Miss Pat. All right, Miss Pat. I'll see what you're doing. I love Miss Pat. She's crazy. She's so funny when she was in here. She thought we were like the whitest. She was like, yeah.

She's like, you white people are crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. This is white. Yeah. We're super white for her. Um, yeah. And look, I added, on my end,

I added some really exciting one night shows for me. It's one night only in Dallas, in Houston, in New Orleans, in Oklahoma City. Those are all in November, but you can get tickets now. And I really hope you come out and see me. It's a new hour of stand-up, totally different from completely normal.

And I hope you, uh, you come out. So that's that, Farts. Put some horseradish on it. Put some horseradish on it and let your mom put it right where she sits. Speaking of buying horseradish, some of you are probably doing that right now. Go to Amazon.com, right?

Like, that's where you buy your horseradish. No, don't go to Amazon. No, but I'm saying when you go to Amazon to buy your horseradish, go through your mom's house podcast.com. Instead, click on our banner and it takes you to Amazon. Right. And go buy all, buy that silo of horseradish

you've been eyeballing, but through our banner. A lot of you, a lot of you have been doing it. And, uh, when you get your mustard and your horseradish and your corn flour, your loaves of bread and all of that through the banner on your mom's house podcast.com. It helps to show, thank you very much for that. We also restocked fully the Theo, I'm Theo 24-7 shirt.

It's a very popular shirt. You can get it shopping through our store. So please do that. Don't tell Theo. Don't fucking let him know. My DVD, completely normal, is autographed, is on the store now. Fartographed.

It's Fartographed. I farted in every single one. And, um, that's it. Did I do this, Jeans? Oh my God. What's party, man? Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm. Oh, puppy here. Please don't touch. Please don't talk to him. Don't touch him. He's a service dog. And you're distracting when you're talking to him.

Sorry. Thank you. I don't like your attitude. Fuck you. Eat shit and die, bitch. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this.

Don't burn me in the fucking sand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura talking to Suzy. And Christina Pazitski. Christina Pazitski. Welcome to your mom's house. I got to say, I really enjoy the student becoming the teacher.

Yeah. I mean, somebody else has stepped up their live intro game. Thank you. What made you do that? Well, I noticed that you weren't playing the instruments. And I figured somebody had to. And I did. And it felt great.

I was really confident. I feel like I knew the words. I feel like I knew the song. I mean, usually you just, you see me and you go, there's a legend playing, you know, there's BB King and Paul McCartney and Eric Clapton wrapped in one during the intro to our show. And you just, you just stand back and all, but you're like, I want to give it a shot. Yeah. I mean, I've never conducted an imaginary orchestra like that before and it felt really good.

Can I tell you something? Go ahead. Know your place. Don't go think that you can just play five instruments at once. Like I didn't do it overnight. I've been playing for my whole entire life. Okay. Like I didn't mean to.

Okay. I just want it to be clear. Take your thunder. That maybe start with wind chimes, but don't think that you can just pick up guitar drums like I do and make everything happen like that. This is what we're talking about. But I think, I think that we saw what I did and I think that what I did was great. It's nice.

It's obvious. I knew what I was doing. You know, first graders have show and tell. That's all I wanted to say. You know what? I'm here in China for the next week and I got nothing but time to practice. Yeah. My conductors game practice for about see what the fuck is up when you get back from from

city connection. Okay. Okay. If you want to go there, if you want to go there, I'm going to come back with liquid swords. Okay. I know that reference. That's the Jizzah.

It's a good album. Yeah, that's true. What are you buying me right now in China? Hong Kong. Oh, holy shit. What? You can't talk like that. Why not?

Because it's rude to mock people. That's how they are. I have not actually heard my voice in conversation for nearly three years now. I'm a week there. Actually, I'm probably leaving Hong Kong to go to Macau right now and I think when I get there, they actually mentioned in the email that the first thing we'll do is enjoy a succulent Chinese meal. That's right.

What do you think you're going to eat there? You know, duck feet, some bees nest and we'll have some dim sum and let's talk about my haircut right now. Some faces of death. You're going to bring out a monkey and crack its skull open and then you'll eat the brains out. Oh, I have a clip from my Singapore show already. Singapore was two days ago.

So it's going good. I'm having a good time in Asia. That's funny, man. That's so funny. Do you think you have you learned Chinese since you've been there? Yeah, I speak. I mean, look, my Cantonese is slow, but Mandarin is coming a lot easier. It's a lot quicker.

Yeah. That's what I speak. Yeah. That's what I speak. But what I mean to say, Christina. I'm good at it. They like me. They like me.

You're going to hear that a lot. You're going to go to dim sum and then the carts, they push around and they go, I'm coming. I'm going with my buddy Big L and he, he, um, he's from Hong Kong. So. Oh yeah. But thank God. But you're probably going to have dim sum.

That's like, he's not going to go, the, the locals are not going to go, and then he's going to go, but you're right, they're not going to say in English, they're going to go, are you going to eat dragon's feet? Yeah, of course. Of course. I'm getting ready for new levels of diarrhea. When I was in, um, when I was in, um, Seoul, Korea, they, they serve silkworms as, um, like a snack, like peanuts.

Like if you were to have roasted peanuts, lose my fucking mind if somebody tries to get me to eat silkworms. It was the grossest. And it was like, of course it was next to him, like this monument and we're visiting and like, they all want to see like the silly white girl, eat the silkworms. Yeah. So people were trying to give it to me for free and shit. I was all, no thanks, dude.

I was all, no thanks. I was all, no, I'm not fucking fated enough to eat that. Huh. I was like, no. I was all, what? What? He's all like, what? I was all, what?

I was all, no. I'm bro. No way, bro. Fuck you. Fucking worms, dude. You're so fucking west coast. You're so cow. Speaking of, uh, bro, bro, and down you went to my hairdresser today.

He's a bro for real. Fucking Allen, bro. LA tattooed on his head. Yup. Fucking fucking back like 15, 20 years ago, the area is fucking crazy, bro. Oh, what area is that? We're talking about like Echo Park, a silver leg was like, they used to call it like he had a different name for it.

He's like, they called it like that. Some Spanish thing. And I was like, what was that like? He was like, that was fucking rough. I was talking to him about how that gangbanger do is telling was saying West side and West side means West of LA and not West side, like the rest of Los Angeles. The cops are fucking bald and shit. Yeah.

Cops are fucking bald and shit. Those guys say West LA. It means totally fucking different shit than if you're telling someone, hey, where do you want to meet? They don't mean what he means. Cops are all bald and shit. It's a totally different thing. Well, Allen, my hairdresser I've had since 1998.

That's crazy. Isn't that crazy? That is crazy. So listen to how I found him. So my mother was really fat and she would go to Richard Simmons exercise studio in Beverly Hills. Really? He used to have, yeah, and she was friends with him.

So what he would do, Richard Simmons, he used to have the girls, the fat girls in his class come to his house for slumber parties and shit. True story. So my mother would like go to Richard Simmons house for slumber parties. And so she would work out there and she wanted to get her haircut. And so Allen used to work at a studio called Dionysia, which is right by there, the old studio. And my mother went in to Allen and said, I would like a Vidal Sassoon haircut.

I want like asymmetrical short on one side, long on the other. That was the heat back then, right? In not in 1998, bro. But when was it? It was 1980. OK. 1980. And and Allen goes, oh, no, I can't.

I can't do that. No. Like he's straight up straight up like that's not cool. Yeah. He's like, you're a crazy person. I can't do this for you. And my mother got really mad at him. Well, fuck you.

Then you fuck a mother fucker. Fuck you. Fuck you. And he's like, all right, just calm down. And he gave her like a really nice haircut, not the asymmetrical Vidal Sassoon. She came home and then when I dyed my hair black, I fucked up my hair pretty bad and I was about to get on road rules. I was 20 or 21 years old.

Allen Martinez, that's his name, fucking stripped my hair from black to blonde to what I am now to what I see on season one. That's me. That's Allen. That's Allen. That's his work. I had black hair that I had destroyed. I had dyed it blue and then black and he stripped it and made it look normal.

You know, you were back then. He gave me that cut. Allen gave me that road rules cut that you love. I love the road rules cut. I didn't know that. I didn't know he did that. That's Allen. You were all shoulders.

Your shoulders are all high. You're so stupid. You're like. They still are. It's because I'm nervous all the time. No, you were like, and you had your like tube top on. You're like, hey guys, like you ever think about what death is going to be like? We got to win this challenge for real guys.

I mean, seriously. Yeah, I smoke. I don't give a fuck. Did you even watch me on road rules? Did you even watch the show? So you don't even know what I was like back then. I've seen clips. Okay.

I've seen clips. I was such a fucking nerd back then. I still am, but I know exactly what you were like. Embarrassing that me at 21, 20 years old is like documented. It's so fucking embarrassing. I was so serious. But you know when you'll like it, you'll dig it. Not now.

Mortified. Not in 10 years, but in like 25 years, you'll really dig it. When I'm super fat and old. No, just older and be like that's to have like that document. Like most people have a photo. Here's me at 20. Yeah. You have like television.

I know. You get to see what you're really like. I was so, I was so serious. I had just come back from studying philosophy at Oxford. I thought I was so smart and so serious. Chainsmoking. Here's me. This isn't 20, but I'm like 23.

What? It's all these matters. Okay. It's all these matters. That's when I was in Spain. Got that from Spain. Madrid. Madrid.

The lady that we met the other day that was from Spain like had no idea of the references of Spain that I talked to her about. Maybe she was lying. Yeah. Dude, where, where do we meet that woman? When we were shooting. Oh, that's right. Huh?

Yeah. And she was like, and I mentioned where I went and she was like, oh, and then I said something to her that like, you'd know if you were, and she was like, yeah, okay. She lied. I don't think she lied. I think she's never really spent time there. So, but you went to see Alan today. I did a million years.

Yeah. What did you think? Yeah. I said, bro. Uh, I told him, I told, I straight up told my hair was crazy for me and I said, you know, I go to this guy normally the reason I don't go to you because you and everybody that you're associated with goes to him. I said, I am not about driving.

I don't drive my whole life. I try to make take place in the five square blocks and he was like, oh, I get it, bro. And I said, well, that fucking guy left town, which he went to Japan. So I said, you know, here's why I'm here and I told him, I go sometimes people because like, I have thinning hair. It's not like bald, but you know, it thins out and some guys will cut my hair and they'll leave like eight long hairs here. Like it's like they're trying to make, I don't know if they're doing it for me or they think

it's creating an illusion. I go, I don't want any of that shit. He knew right away. He was like, oh no, I wouldn't do that to you. And like, he spent time like shaping this so that in a way you could look at my head and be like, oh, they threw like a three guard on and shaved it, but it's all cut hand cut by him to shape. I love it.

I absolutely love it. And I told him what my beard issues were and he fixed that for me. He's the fucking man. I'm already excited to go back. This guy is the best goddamn hairstylist in Los Angeles. Yeah, I'm excited to go back. If you're in LA, I shouldn't even fucking tell you this. His name is Alan Martinez.

Oh shit. Galvin Benjamin Salon. Oh my God, you're going to make his phones blow up. Good. I hope so. I mean, the guy is really talented and it's worth it though. You got to drive. You got to get out.

You got to get. Listen, if you're not paying to get your hair did your fool, your damn fool. I agree, guys. I totally agree. Christina convinced me of this. Listen, if you're single, you definitely got to do this. You got to look good. And if you're not, if you're married and you just want to have fucking, why not have a

nice haircut? I used to be the guy that would go like, oh, that place does it for 10 bucks. Look, if you're thrilled with what they do for 10 bucks, then do it. More power to you. But if you're like, this kind of looks like dog shit. It's because you're getting a $10 haircut and you do the logic. I told him your logic that convinced me to get more expensive haircuts was like, what will you spend on a shirt and how often do you wear the shirt and then how often do you

wear your fucking head? Every day, bro. Yeah, it's worth it. It is worth it. Every day you wear your hair and you don't want to have a bad hair day every day and a bad haircut, man. That can fuck you up for a long time. I told him about haircuts that I've had where when I used to get real cheap ones where

I would leave and then the next couple days were spent trying to fix the haircut and go into another place. And it's like, as soon as I said that, you know what he said? He goes, ah. Dude, Alan, first of all, that grew up in like El Monte. He's like old school fucking Mexican, like grew up with Mexicans, you shit gangbanger. Like he's so fucking for real, for real LA all the way. He's got the tattoo on his hand.

LA tattoo. I love him. He gives a real homie. He's a real deal. He knows what's up. Well, I'm glad you liked it. The problem with the salon is that everybody's way cooler than us. It's too cool for school.

It's too cool though, right? If that was a bar, I would never go there because it's way out of my comfort zone. But there's a service being done there and that's why I would go in there. It's super fucking cool. Because it's their job to look cool. You want the person cutting your hair to look better than you, obviously. It's like when you go in a clothing store and the guy's like, can I help you out? And he looks like an asshole and you're like, no, I don't think so.

But they're all super decked out, styled out. I go in with my fucking gap outfit, my fucking suburban girl shit, like I'm a little lamest. You texted me and you're like, I feel like the biggest dad boner in here. I did. I did. And I felt like I felt like wrecking people too. I was like, I felt like being like the fucking, you know, you guys wear your cool shit. I'm, I'm the fucking man here.

I wanted to tell everybody, I really wanted to get all Joe Pesci on people. People looking at my gear. I was like, you fucking get over, I'll fucking crack your fucking head wide the fuck open. All right. I get that way too. When I like I come across like real uppity people in LA because I'll be like, dude, you're not even fucking from here, bro. Like don't even sweat me.

There was gear warned there that I was like, this is what I do. I see on runways where you're like, who would wear that? They're wearing it in there. I know. Wearing like crazy belts and shit. I wearing like a sweat pant, but it's pulled up to his knees and he's one of the, and he's wearing black laced boots that are also like through up through the shins like knee high and then a mesh shirt and his hair is cut to, I'm like, the fuck is this guy wearing?

It's called style. Yeah. That's apparently. Can I say that I've never, I've just never been able to pull that off. I dress. I just can't do that's a special personality that can put stuff together and it looks tight like that and they can rock it, but I was the fucking man. I'll tell you that.

He's a shit guys. If you're in LA, Ellen Martinez, Calvin Benjamin, salon, it's, it's pretty crazy. So we can't really just act like what happened didn't happen. This dude bro with his service dog just dropped some fucking straight up. This is a little different. I mean, here's the thing. You know, you know the philosophy that we have, have believe in, which is pretty much this philosophy.

If you see somebody walking down the street with their dog and the dog is being good and at heel, don't whistle to it. Don't say a fucking thing. Never indicate to the dog anything. Okay. That's a good philosophy. Love it. It's a kind of very similar extension of that philosophy.

Man's in the grocery store and a wheelchair, but he's in a wheelchair. He's a service dog and you're distracting when you're talking to him. Sorry. Thank you. And right there. He's being nice. Yeah. You're distracting him.

And then he goes, sorry. Like that's just the way it is. And when he says that, she just stays staring, you know, right now she's staring at him. Fuck you, eat shit and die, bitch. Do you think he overreacted? Yes. Because you know why? He knew it was coming.

He knew it was coming and he's dealt with it a lot and he's sick of it and he's tired of it. It's not a cool response. It's not a cool thing to say, but that response wasn't for that woman. It's for the hundreds of times somebody has been, and he has to go, please don't do that to my service dog. He's working right now. You're distracting him.

I train him to not, you know, to do certain things and you're doing that. So she does that and he's just can't take it anymore and he's, fuck you. He's mad. It's very mad. Yeah. Those guys are trained, man. Service dogs are like, they're fucking trained and shit. They're fucking like, he's saying like, fucking don't, you know, like, don't do that.

So then Come on. Oh, poor bitch. I'll follow you. So then she's just going to follow the guy in a wheelchair. She's crazy, dude. She, she's like insistent on petting that dog, right? Yeah.

I'm going to put it on. She's like, oh, poor dog. Whoa. What did she say? She's like, I got two legs to walk on and like follow you. What a fucking weirdo. Come on. Come on.

So weird. That's all right. I am. What a fucking lunatic. Yeah. That's really not cool. I actually really feel for that guy. I think, I think that woman, that woman is a real asshole.

Yeah. She's clearly in the wrong. Here's what he says in his description. A 10 minute shopping trip at Walmart turns into an hour and a half because of stupid assholes like this that stop me all the time. See? Trying to pet my German shepherd service dog while the dog is working. Now I know that people love animals.

I understand. But crazy assholes like this stalk and tease because people that are in wheelchairs have one leg and they have two and then they're laughing about it. You can hear this crazy woman trying to talk to my dog maliciously trying to distract him after I kindly asked her not to talk to the dog. Kindly is a little bit of an exaggeration. Because you were like, fuck you eat shit, bitch. Who makes fun of a guy with one leg?

I don't know. She's a fucking crazy person. But this to me speaks, it's not about the dog. This is more to me about a person who, there are people like this and it does make me crazy, personally crazy, that they're like, I'll do what I want to do whenever I want to do it. It's about, yeah, but I want to talk to the dog or I want to pet the dog. And if somebody goes, that's not okay.

Here's the situation. They still go, well, I still think I should be able to. But why can't I pet the puppy? The world is full of people like that. And I got to say a lot of times it's women. There's a lot of women who are like, but this is what I want to do right now. And that's because we're given, here's the benefit and the deficit to being a woman in society.

You're not really given real power, men rule everything. The problem, oh, and the good part of that is that we also slide by on a lot of shit. For instance, things like this, where you can be like, yeah, but I want to do it. And then you get to do that thing. But yeah, unfortunately, it's kind of obnoxious too, because we're not held as accountable a lot of times. That's the downside to not actually being a woman. That's the downside to not actually wielding power in society.

Yeah, I guess so. Maybe, you know, I don't know, man. On the other hand, this bitch could just be crazy. She's kind of a crazy bitch. Yeah, I get it. I mean, I, because I know some people were like, I don't agree. I got some messages. They're like, what, what, you know, who cares if somebody wants to pet your dog?

I don't care if people want to pet my dog. It's really not about people petting my dog that bothers me. It's more about like, well, what if I'm in the middle of doing something with the dog? Yeah, that's kind of like with FIFO. I don't, I love it when like, mommies meet FIFO. If, you know, if he's, if I sense that he's okay. He's in a calm submissive state. Yeah.

And if he's not in full of anxiety, some nights he seems a little nervous for it and I won't bring him out to meet people. But if he's cool, it's okay. Yeah. And, but there are times that I like FIFO's a rescue. So he's got his own issues to deal with and I'm still training out of him. Yeah. And so when I take Theo on walks, it's really not, we're connecting.

I'm, I'm teaching him how to not bark at other dogs. Right. I'm teaching Theo stuff. Right. So it's about my connection to him when we're walking and when people do like, I don't know, I like do that. It is like, oh, it takes us out of our world. Yeah.

What Peter Cain's talking about too, actually, he's not wrong. He's like, if you're walking down the street, like you don't know what that person's walking. They might be walking to get home, walking to work with it. And they have their dog and then you go, is that a doggy over there? Right. Right. And I love your doggy. And the person's like, I'm on my way here.

The dog is, is actually being good. He's obeying and he's following me and doing what I tell. And then you're trying to lure him over because you think it's cute. That's, it's actually rude. It is rude. One time I remember there was a guy like trying out across the street or something being like, like kissing to Theo and trying, hey dog over here. And you're like, why are you doing that to him?

He can't come to you. He's, he's on leash right now. He can't come over there. Yeah. So why are you calling my dog? Like it's so weird. It's not cool. It's not cool.

But, but like I said, if we're chilling at the dog park or whatever and I meet the person, like yes, then come over and, you know, pet my dog, but. Yeah. It's, it's weird. It is weird. The dog is being good. Right. If you like encourage the dog to come over and pet you or be petted by you and it's on

a leash. See? The owner is going to have to correct the dog. You're getting the dog in trouble, you dick. Don't whistle to the dog. Don't distract the dog. The dog's being good. See?

He's at heel. Now this is my dog and he'll ignore the shit out of you. But someone else's dog, you know, that's the point. I'm getting the dog in trouble. He'll ignore the shit out of you. You tell him, Peter. That's what I'm trying to get Theo to do, to ignore the shit out of everything that distracts him.

Yeah. I got him to stop barking at, um, that's right. Yeah. Poppy. I got, I got him to stop barking at, like FedEx trucks today. Really? Because he gets so far. He gets shit out.

They really, those are dog snatchers. That's what he thinks. That's what he said. That is what he's talking about. And you're distracting when you're talking to him. Sorry. Listen to that. He, he feels it here.

You can sense that he's like, let's see how she reacts and then he's waiting for her to say one last thing. Wait for it. Thank you. Fuck you. Eat shit and die bitch. Wow. Yeah.

Huh. That's fucking awesome. I really like this guy. That is really nice. Um, so again, I saw this woman on a, on the airplane, like just walking down the aisle. Yeah. Um, as she was breastfeeding and it, it was like, you know, and it was like, uh, it was, it was just out in the open.

Like she didn't have like the blank. She didn't have the blank. She didn't have the blank. And it was like, uh, it was, it was just out in the open. Like she didn't have like the blankie over her boob. She was just walking down the plane, like boarding the plane with this baby, like mowing down on her tit. It was pretty jarring.

I was like, whoa, you just fucking do that. I mean, um, I don't know what the etiquette is cause I don't have a kid, but I know there's like debates going on right now in the world about breastfeeding in public. I saw a woman, not, it wasn't for it, but this is what she was doing. I think I, I've told, I might have said it on the show. I got thrown off the plane for that, right? Oh, not for breastfeeding. She was breastfeeding.

She got thrown off because, uh, the flight attendant told her to do something. Like you're going to have to get in your, like, you know, sit back and put on your seat belt. Well, she was, and she was like, why don't you just worry about serving drinks and like that. And then they were like, guess what? You're off the fucking plane. Yep. You're out.

Fucking flight attendants mounted the worst. That's a shit job though, dude. It's a rough gig, man. It's a rough gig. You can't, you look, if you're on the ground and somebody starts telling you, why don't you worry about serving drinks? And dude, you're done. You're done.

You got it. You can say that shit. Maybe, maybe you'll have some wiggle room at 35,000 feet. But if you're on the ground, you're like, worry about fucking sprites right now, not this shit. It's going to be a problem. I was just thinking with the hardest, I think the worst job for me ever. Okay.

I was thinking about this. The worst job for me would be a truck driver because it incorporates all the things I can't do. Like I, it's like crippling solitude, horrendous loneliness, driving all the time for a living and like not sleeping. I would really, I would really lose my mind. Truck driving has to be the hardest gig. The craziest.

And like you're not eating well because you're always on the road. You're not sleeping. You're not with your family. It's tough. You're in traffic all the time. It's really tough. Those are all the things that make me crazy already. Yeah.

It's really tough. Wow. I really commend anybody that can be a truck driver for a living. Yeah. Fuck. Fuck. What's your nightmare job? Oh man.

I think now that I've done it and I know I pretty much anything in the graveyard shift would kill me. Yeah. It's bad. I want to fucking die. That's the worst. I did that for, I don't know. That felt like four, five, six months when we started dating at that production company.

And the funny thing is even week after week, dude, when it's 4 a.m., your body's like, what are we doing right now? It doesn't matter that you did it every day in a row. And I would just pass out in an edit bay and I remember assistant editors would be like, we can hear you snoring down the hall. Of course. I was like, I can't do this. The crazy thing was that you're expected, you know when you hit your second win?

When you're done? When you're off? Of course. So 7 a.m., they're like, we'll just go to bed and get up at noon and then you're fine. I was like, what are you talking about? Five hours? And you think I'm going to fall asleep immediately? It never happens like that.

That fucks up your whole body clock too. Of course. Because when are you eating dinner now? Like when the fuck are you eating your meals? It's a fucking nightmare, the whole thing's a nightmare. I've never worked a night shift. I've worked like well into the night on production things. Yeah, I think, I mean, I know I would hate that.

I don't like, I didn't like, I'm not good at service jobs, so I would be terrible. Yeah. Yeah, I don't like it. Like waiting tables? Yeah, I'm not good at it. It's tough. Yeah. I mean, and I say that meaning like that there are people who are so good at it.

Well, there's professional servers that they do at the high-end restaurants. Which I got like, like we were watching that show. What's that one below deck? I'm Bravo. Oh yeah. She's the best. Dude. Kate's this new one.

This new stew. Chief stew. Chief stew. Yeah. She's so rad. She's so on her game. Here's why. She's from that world, and she wants to be on the other end of it, so she knows how to

give you exactly what you want. It's like the best chef in the world would be somebody that wants to eat that meal, right? Like they're making it exactly how they would want to eat it. Yeah. You know? Yeah. She so wants, she knows what it is to be served like five star, so she provides that. She's not like somebody who shows up and is like, I don't know what to do here.

Yeah, exactly. And she likes it. And she actually, like people, she likes to serve and make people happy. She does. Which is... And they criticize her for not fucking smiling. That's just sexist bullshit though. It's obnoxious.

I think that's just because women are expected to be like... Fucking obnoxious. You know, that guy that got mad has another video about Don't pet my dog. I want to hear it. It's not long. It's only like 30 seconds. Let's see. I don't know.

He's outside. Opening the... He's just got in the car. So it's a long 30-second intro. I don't know. It's just weird that he's called this. He's just got into it. Oh my god.

Hey. Hey. Is this dog dick afternoon? I'm not. It doesn't sound normal. It's weird. Nothing happened in that one. It's so weird.

It's weird. It's weird. It's weird. It's weird. It's weird. It's weird. It's weird. It's weird.

It's weird. It's weird. Nothing happened in that one. It's so weird that people don't hear that. He just put the dog in his car and then it said, do not pet and he just showed... That was a horrible video. I don't know why he posted that. Yeah.

Yeah. Dog dick afternoon. Well, dog dick afternoon. So also we started watching cops, which like, I've never actually... Did you forget about it? How good it was? Yeah, how good it was and I've never, I never got into it when it was huge on television because it always bummed me out to watch retards getting arrested.

But now as an adult, I pay taxes. I'm a law-abiding citizen and I like to see idiots get arrested. You like it? Well, not when it's like bullshit drug charges. Like... When I have the... Because that episode we saw was mostly like drunks and people with bags of weed and now you're going to ruin their lives because...

It's a little crazy, right? Well, one guy blew a stop sign and he had like three bags of weed and now he's... One girl got like felony possession. I'm like, what? You're going to ruin this... She was like 17 years old. You're going to ruin this girl's life because she had three bags of weed on her and she was a passenger in a car of the guy that blew the stop sign.

What? Yeah. That's so dumb. Yeah, that's true. But again, like drunk drivers, that's no good, man. You could ruin people's lives with that shit. That guy, the weed one, he was a dick. That guy was like, what do you got here?

There's some shrooms. Are they any good? Are they good? Yeah, it's stupid. He did that whole thing. Fucking officer nerd. Yeah. This is drug stuff.

I can't believe people got arrested for like drugs, like little amounts of drugs on them. It's so dumb. And then he goes, he's like, I don't know, now you're going away, you're 18, you're going on a felony possession, like she had two shrooms and like, I did like that she used slang there. She goes, just like Reggie, he goes, excuse me, Reggie. She was like regular weed, but she's telling the cop that it's Reggie. Yeah.

And he's totally fucking with her too, like what you said, like, are those shrooms really good? Yeah. Did you get high? Yeah. Did you take Molly? Did you get a nice little trip going for you there? Nerd.

Yeah. Officer square. Like they never did any of that. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Nerds.

All right. All right. So your story, you're telling me you just, you didn't want to slow down when you saw my car. Okay. Dude, being a cop's got to be hard. It's got to be a fucking rough gig too. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. Being a cop is, is rough gig. Yeah. You had to arrest your fellow man, you had to arrest people on dumb shit, like having bags of dope in their car, like, come on, man. Yeah. It's, it's got to be the worst man.

My favorite arrest we saw was, um, this guy and the cop, uh, it was just like, sir, can you get out of the car? And immediately he's like, don't hit me. Don't hit me. Yeah. You're gonna hit me. So I'm not going to hit you. And he's like, oh, I don't want to be hit.

Please don't hit. Please. Wait, is that the one that we watched? Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, ah, please. And he calls out for his wife. He's like, Jennifer.

Yeah. So the cop, you know, has to like resort to almost tasing him because he's so out of control. He's so afraid of getting tased that he's almost about to get tased. Yeah. He starts shaking and like, you're like, Hey, is it possible that this guy's on something just as a random possibility or no? Not possible.

Right? I'm sorry. It's crying. Yeah. So they knock on the wife's door because they're near the house. He's on his way home. He's in the driveway. All right.

And she opens the door in her jammies and her makeup smeared a little bit. She's been, she's been slinging back a few herself. And the cop is like, got your husband. Is he on parole? Some kind. He's, he's, uh, he's, yep. He's been, he's been a real, you know, let's see, had a problem with, uh, methamphetamines. Yes he has.

How long have you all been married? Wow. He's working on it. Right. Has, uh, he's been in prison before. Right. Mm-hmm. Right.

Well, for, it's for methamphetamine. Yep. Yep. Mm-hmm. Yeah. No. Um, uh, but then you were like, why are they married? And then I think I made a pretty good point to you, was that I think you're focusing on

the bad things about him and that she focuses on the good things. You know what? You're right. She's, she's looking at the positive. I'm focused on the negative. It's self-help. That's why you're not married to him. That's the problem.

I mean, she sees like, here's a guy, he's always ready to go on the roof. He's already always ready to do things. He's ready to sweat whenever he, he's always ready to do some pushups whenever he's ready to push up. He can grind his teeth at the best of them and you know, who knows how to pick a scab like he does. And she thinks like that. This guy's awesome.

And you're like, Oh, you know, he's a convicted felon and, uh, he's got all these batteries in his truck and a propane tank because he, he also manufactures math. That's the neat part is the cop man. When you see what goes into math, the cops are like, so, uh, oh God, about, he's got about a hundred packs of batteries. Just old school shitty batteries, the propane tank and then let's Sudafran or some shit. I don't know. Why is there all kinds of bullshit?

There's like battery acid in those drugs. You know what? I don't know. I don't make meth all the time. But what, why the battery acid, dude? Great question. Jesus. It's so brutal.

Great question to put that shit into your body. Yeah. Fucking battery acid. Yep. Math is the worst. Math is the worst. What are you looking at? I was trying to find, um, the, the original clip of the guy who does that.

The, uh, this stuff. I couldn't find it. I was looking for the original in the, I'll tell you, I love the show. He loves our show. He loves it. Here's the thing. It's that, that was in a, in a compilation of best of cops. I remember that.

Yeah. Yeah. And was it some of it was overseas? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm saying I'm looking for the email because it was sent to us in an email. So did you search for cops?

Yeah. But I mean, there's, you know what? Yeah. We got like, there's, for some reason cops. Well, cause cops are ball and shit. Cops are ball. But no, you could even, you can go back quite a ways and still go. All right.

There's cops. Let's see. Cops in the TV show. Oh, I found it. Okay. I think so. So it's like kind of in the middle. Let's see if this is the number.

It's an old white guy gray. Now, could you, maybe you could put this up. My mom's house. Yeah. For sure. Fuck's sake. Yeah. This is, if this is the clip, well, no, this might not be the opening is like cops

international, but the best of this, isn't it? This isn't, it's a different, it's a guy. Who's not cool either. Um, hmm. I know people have been asking for it, but I, it's like a tricky one, man. It's one of those. We had it and we lost it. The drunk cop here.

Let's see. Cops. The drunk guy and cops. Wait a minute. Put that in. Wait a minute. I found it. My mom's house.

Oh, no. It says this video is not available in your country. Let's see. It was, that's it then. They took it down. Fuck. That was the best one. Man.

My mom's house. What? How does it not available here? What is that all about? It's fucking, you have to use like tunnel bear or something to watch it. Really? Yeah. You have to get a, um, bro, it's like getting darker sooner.

Don't you hate that? Yeah. It's the worst. It's the worst. And here's the guy. I do love fall. This is the guy that does it. Pisciclo graffiti now Norman.

There's a lot to say about this one, isn't there? Oh, certainly. Yeah. And then this guy takes you and shows you. Boarding, snowboarding, airboarding, all the rest of it. Do you think these? All these people doing this, but he's the one who took us to the guy who loves your mom's house. My mom's house.

Shit. We got to, we got to, we have to be able to dig this up. Yeah. Yeah. Because that, that's my favorite, that's one of my favorite clips ever. My mom's house. My mom's house. Yeah.

Being a cop, man, getting people fucking shooting at you and running in front. The best part on cops is when people try to run, you're like, bro, you've got a camera crew on you. Like, you're not going to get away, dude. Do they ever get away on cops? And if they did, I don't think they're going to show it on TV anyways. No, of course not. My mom's house.

It's fucking idiots. Ice bucket challenges are, have taken over. They're sweeping the world. It's raising money. Why don't you play something? It's not exciting enough, though. What? Can we have a bag of chips or some bullhorns to announce the next?

No, I don't want to do that. You think it's that exciting? Well, that's yeah. You feel better now? Yeah, that was pretty cool. Almost. They need one more thing. Oh, man, I can't believe you're making me do this.

It's like you have to. Much better now. Thank you. OK. Also, of course, we never want to ignore God. Shout out to God. That's what I mean. I mean, God is real.

I mean, big shout out to God. I'm talking about God is real. You feel me? Get that wrong. Come on. I'm real sick. God is real. I mean, God blessing me.

I'm blessed right now. I'm talking about you feel me. I mean, get you filming me. Yeah, I know. Filming me. I feel like that last episode, you had a number of big words. You definitely had some and just remind everybody. Do not mind being in something where the word was used over.

I don't know. I'll generally drop the n-bomb. Babe, get it and make your story. Whoa. I don't think Jeff has just heard you say it. I'm quoting the movie. Babe, the real nigger. I'm using the phrase again.

The real nigger. And then I see just niggers. Like niggers and stuff. Oh, God. You know, niggers do want a full shit out here. I'm a real nigger. Niggers are saying they're doing nothing. What?

I'm just, I'm just, I can't believe it. What's with the arguments? Yes. Niggers are saying they're not doing things. But they are doing things. Right. I'm not sure they're being. That's a premise, babe.

Right. Okay. What are you not understanding? The n-word. Right, right, right. Oh, my God. This is the lexicon of what we're discussing. What am I supposed to say?

N-word every time that everybody thinks the word nigger is on. Babe, you can talk like they not do. And they do shit, but they ain't really nothing. You know what I'm saying? Oh, do you know what I'm saying? Not for nothing, but I just feel like, you know. Big words. Wow.

Thanks for playing that again. That's one of my favorite. Of all time. Thank you. You know the name of that song? I don't. It's called Christina's Big Words. Big Words.

Thanks, guys. Just so you know, we're going to be on vacation next week, right, Jeans? Not next week. Well, yes. When you're hearing this, yes. Okay. So, Tom, tell the audience, because people have been emailing us where they can hear back episodes.

Tell the audience where they can go in our absence. If you guys have binged and you've listened to everything on iTunes, guess what? We'll put it on the site. You can go to your mom's house podcast.com and there will be a link to the page that has every episode from episode, I think 41 through at this point, it'll be like 255 or 256. So every single episode will be there. So don't despair, Jeans, even though we're not here on our vacation, we're not here

with you. We're on a vacation. Everybody needs a break. We're taking that week down, but you can go back and listen to every single episode. Motherfucking ever. Yeah. Shout out to God. That's the word.

That guy talks about God and he says big words. You don't say big word and God together, man. Some people do. Now, our show has the distinction of having both Auntie Fifi and Auntie Fee on separately. Auntie Fifi and Auntie Fee are very, very, very different. They are not to be confused. Hello, Facebook. Good afternoon.

I was sitting here thinking about this new year and how it's the new year all over the land. That is Auntie Fee Fee. Two fees. Two fees. This is Auntie Fee. Fuck those shit. I don't care about shit.

We're gonna get this. Come on. Come on. You filming, ain't you? I damn doing it. They filming shit. Okay. Do you hear the difference?

I hear the difference. They're very different. Auntie Fee did the ice bucket challenge. Now, Fifi, who sings to us? No. Auntie Fee Fee sings. She makes the treats for the fucking kids. Yeah.

Auntie Fee makes sweet treats for the fucking kids. She takes some shit. She puts some fucking raisins in that shit. She drop it in the fucking oil. What are we supposed to call it? I don't fucking know. Put the camera on it, motherfucker. You're supposed to call it sweet treats for the kids?

Can I have some sweet treats for the kids? All right. That's a good point. I like when she's angry and she's like, that's a good point. So funny. She thinks it's okay. It's called the sweet stuff. I'm featuring you.

I'm calling. Okay, first of all. Now, this is the... Not real big on audio. No. She does the ALS ice bucket challenge. But she really drags it out. Child.

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