Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 256-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 17, 2014

Shots Fired!!! If you're down in the 954 or the 305 and you see a half naked white dude singing and dancing shakin' that thang - don't worry, that's Rihanna. The elephant in the room must be addressed - Peter Caine has called the MAIN MOMS out! Lord only knows what will happen next, but Peter Caine is on the watch list. Should he worry about Tina and Tommy? No. The little Mommy's? Probably. Theo? You Bet. You can't just talk s**t like that and not expect bad things to happen.  As Theo has always said, "Don't start nuttin, won't be nuttin."  Plus Tommy has returned from City Connection and he can't wait to go back. He's got that international jeans fever!

you do you do ruin everything i do ruin stuff i know i can't have nice things because i've ruined them i prefer to have cheaper welcome it's very sensual to your mother's house is this what you heard in chingchong pingpong that's disrespectful to who people that are from Chongqing in china i learned that when i was there oh you learned that you're not supposed to say that to them not only did i learn that that you're not supposed to say that but that your stupid foot or the dog me uh that there's a city called Chongqing well there you go i'm just mispronouncing the city's name it's on my fault so peep this peep the science jesus um we will be doing our

only show in south florida tomorrow thursday september the 18th at the fart lotterdale improv at the hard cock seaman hall the hard cock seaman hall hard cock and casino in fart lotterdale florida that's really childish tom i don't think it's super childish you think they appreciate that we call it that i don't think so they worked very hard to build that brand um yeah it was uh it's gonna be awesome we're gonna do a we're gonna have a fun time it's one show which always means we can blow it out more you know blow out our assholes that don't have that two-show anxiety source um then we're off on on mom kation i can't wait bro i'm gonna i'm not gonna say a word to you for like the whole week about two weeks later i'm doing mom lando also

known as orlando the improv um please come out uh october second i think through fifth i'm sorry i don't understand hi how does that work october second october third october fourth october fifth is that better that's better now i understand all those days in october um um i will be farting around orlando and this can be really fun can you tell them gel act or no you're just talking super fast you can pick up the pace a little bit everybody's gonna be asleep by the time we get to the actual show as why it's a two-show fucking two-man show well help me out are you done help me out are you done okay look are you ready to go to do these dates here we go do them guys um i can't you fucking read do them

i hate you i wish you'd go back to ching jong go back okay guys here goes uh uh i don't know you're a stutter because you have a fucking Tourette syndrome oh i on the road oh oh wow um october second october third really it's a little intense october second october third october fourth i'll i'll i'll on the road i'll i'll i'll on the road there is i gotta start over now october second october third october fourth october fifth yeah i am at the Cincinnati funny bone okay in newport kentucky okay you can wrap your head around that and then the jeans machine and

i we kick off our little podcast meow we're doing the podcast live at cobs comedy club in um we said it wrong no one said san francisco i know man fran disco california that's october ninth at cobs comedy club i wonder if there's a funnier way to say cobs mobs cunts cobs salad why is it cobs weird anyway buy our tickets online or on your mom's house podcast dot com tom screw dot com christy com dot com and then we roll into our november dates we're doing the podcast live november sixth at the highline in seattle that's seattle washington not the other seattle no there's no other seattle okay november seven uh portland oregon where are we at what's it called uh analog cafe the analogue analogue cafe and then november eighth in chicago at the

nc bottle yeah do you think people love it when people say chicago they love it they love it i get corrected on it sometimes why it's the right way to say it that's what i keep telling them maybe you've never been to chicago maybe you don't know they love it um so then uh and then hold on hold on jeans keep them not keep them up keep them up keep them up oh then we're in november november 20 through 23rd tulito funny bone tulito ohio i got some other dates up they're all at tom you had your turn no i just wanted to say minneapolis dallas houston new orleans oklahoma city and uh phoenix stupid yeah check it out this episode of your mom's house what what was that violence what did you do with your hand no violence do you have another date no oh i just i'm

looking i'm admiring you the way fifo admires you you're ready to do this oh i can't i feel like we have so much to do there is so much to do i'm so excited let's go party over that tattoo on your forehead nine over that oh over that tattoo on your forehead oh who did jay jay jay what that is the money on iraider this off yeah nine five four what that is brown with a mommy day baby oh okay so pit 305 jail on the side it's a new generation i know that's right what you be what you be on you be honest i don't know you just be free huh i just be a freak okay you're cute no you ain't cold actually i'm sweating who is randy don't bring anyone loving to this your mom in the fucking stand welcome welcome

welcome to your mom's house with on sigura super and christina the jitsy christina christina welcome to your mom's house how am i doing really good i'm loving this oh i forgot the guitar oh oh my god now i know why you love me doing this so much this is the most fun thing i've ever watched in my life that's better than a feature film we're gonna take turns doing this from now on

because that was so fun to watch thank you tom you know it's just i've learned by watching you i feel like i've learned from the master i appreciate you acknowledge it um before we begin i would like to thank everybody who's listened to the first episode of that's deep bro um there is an official that's deep bro podcast dot com website you can go to um it's up on itunes please subscribe to it please rate it tell me you'll love it and i've decided to drop an episode every other week uh just because the show takes a little more preparation than most like this first episode with jenny pentland uh jenny is rozan bar's daughter and we briefly touch on buddhism and the idea of non attachment and what is happiness i didn't get into a ton of theory but on the upcoming

episodes i do and that requires a lot of preparation so just you know i'm coming up we have um i this is a great episode i think i'm gonna drop this next um we get philosophical on pornography and i have you're talking about cocks it's disgusting they're not me i have a friend who will be anonymous who doesn't want his name uh spoken on the show he's gonna give us some secrets on pornography we do not have to be a cock absurdism and jen paul satra in one episode i discussed the thomas equinus's five ways to prove the existence of god with pat keen and i do happiness with uh what's his name fitzdog kirk fitz simons so that's all coming up and thank you guys for supporting every other week we're gonna drop that's deeprow podcast dot com and i will

of course be in the mommy dome twice a week my genes are always the priority just so you guys know they're always up under my ears no matter what this is always my first love thank you that's all so will one come out next week or yeah one and also i want to give a shout out to tim smith at t smith arts dot com for designing a logo for that's deep row it looks amazing and he did it because he's a super fan i think him you're excited it's a really cool logo he did a great job he did a great job yeah i noticed that i saw i was like wow that's first class it is first class yeah um so that's what i had well i'm just trying to hold my life together right now what do you mean you don't feel why what's going on with you well i've been back in america for eight hours ten

hours where where were you this morning where did you see me did they play that song baby baby baby when you like when you're walking around everywhere you go they play it everywhere 24 seven you get on the subway and webster greets you i tried to have them bring me up to this and they couldn't do it i couldn't figure it out so how was your trip man you're not gonna tell us about it yeah that was the whole point of playing this well let's fucking hear it well i'm just getting into it jesus are you not gonna tell us about it well because you're just you're staring at me blankly well it's been a rough fucking day snap out of it let's go back to life jesus you're the worst you're the absolute worst person i like nobody

less than you guys i did baby uh yeah hong kong and singapore and mcow completely amazing hold on what's wrong wow wow wow guys that was an impromptu one yep you know i went back and listened to old episodes of your mom's house oh that was that was amazing and uh before we had these mics these fancy mics we used to hold them yeah and you used to fart a lot more into those oh really and i really missed those days when you used to fart right into the mic oh you got a fee on your lap yeah that was a very smelly fart really that's weird what did smell okay okay all right what's happening what is going on right now oh fifo's in your lap you're so happy to be home i can tell i am tired of that uh agent strange it was good to be back here okay

and um you said that when we made love earlier that it was weird to be with a white woman again well i was trying to work that um some of that asian stink off my dick you know yeah that was fun tom so uh just amazing amazing city hong kong is i gotta tell you that's one of the great cities of the world yeah really one of the great cities would you live there ever yes i would live in hong kong if i was gonna live in asia that would be my choice of course would you live in a high rise yeah it's really cheap too that's the great thing about hong kong is it really nope uh 1200 square foot apartment is about two and a half million dollars oh my get your life hong kong get your life hong kong is is fucking getting its life it is out of

control you better get your life two and a half million those bananas um but it's it's one of the world's great cities it's such it's a super sophisticated modern just and western friendly you know like there's a lot of people that don't speak english but enough people do where you can if you're western like it's authentic asian but western enough where you're not like completely lost right you know what i mean but do they know that america's number one they know they fucking know all day hello hello that's that's the guy practicing his english on you mainland chinese people in mcow hello and then you'd say like hello and they'd look at you like oh no no no no you told me at one point that you could fluently speak their language i do speak um cantonese i

don't speak mandarin okay can you give the listeners a taste and what did you just say i said actually i'll write down can i read you what i'd love to hear what you learned here's what i learned in cantonese which is 100 000 different than mandarin which is amazing i know and they're they're cousins they're right next door to each other right yeah yeah they're not like it's not necessarily a dialect it's like it's a whole different jam they can't understand each other no they cannot so crazy leo woodtut leo woodtut leo woodtut what does that mean you are disgusting uh yo i'll see uh yo i'll see yeah uh yo are you i'll see i got a shit leo lei leo lei leo leis fuck you leo lei um

hello what leo hello what does that mean you're very old leo leo you're so old you're going to die soon and oh and you gotta be fucking kidding me i started yelling that at the casino last night when chad was playing um uh what was he playing back rat so every hand he got no it was blackjack every hand he got i go yeah i'm gonna go so funny now you went with chad daniels and pete lee yes two comedians two comedians both from minnesota um they it was such a fun fucking trip lewis who owns acme comedy club who you guys have heard me talk about one of the great comedy clubs in the country it's from hong kong so he organized

this we went there wait did he did he know that you call it chik chong ping pong he didn't know that no we kind of left that on the deal i did tell him about puncie samed though and he didn't he didn't make any expression when i told him yeah um wonder why it doesn't seem very i told him that in christina's household uh not just mine it's universal and hungarian yeah well the right word for chinese is kinai but this yeah but the slang is puncie samed which means why don't you say you brought it up you but you tell me though you taught me well um it means pussy eyes that's what that's what what are you doing that's what hungarians call yeah pussy eyes asians again puncie samed pussy eyes look at these puncie sameds over here yeah i didn't make it up i'm just

reporting it um so anyways chad daniels and peatley both originally no peatles are really from wisconsin but i think he moved to minnesota and then chad's from minnesota and so lives in minnesota they came over we all went together i should say and um yeah we did shows in hong kong at takeout comedy which uh jamie gong owns and then we went to singapore and we did shows at a bar in singapore that has like an emerging comedy scene there and then we went to macau and did the mgm macau the bar at the mgm so it was uh and then like we had the best time i mean uh peats this super sweet midwestern guy he brought his wife jamie and they were like just like super fun he said she was saying that she can really fart okay and he wears a c-pat machine to sleep cool and she farts

into his c-pat machine sometimes that's genius level you should have her on the show yeah jeez and then like chad you know he's like an older guy but like still fun to hang out with an older guy how old is he i think i didn't i didn't get to like see his passport yeah but i think he's 51 wow that's that's neat that an old guy like that flies across the world to do shows still yeah and really funny still very funny he keeps up with the references does he say things like totes jelly like he keeps up with yeah he knows what the kids are saying for sure jargon for sure yeah and he's got that what's he doing over there hey what are you eating shithead come here that's the last thing i need is for you to be barfing up fucking something let me see come here no nuts what's

in his mouth i don't know nothing i don't know what he's doing something over there i gotta give him one of his shoes i didn't give him a chew today that's why he's okay are you gonna do it right now yeah you want to pause press pause press pause okay he's got a chance he said he threatened to kill me if i didn't give him a chance give him what he wants man sorry yeah so um you had a switchblade knife i'm told you to give him a chew no give me that fucking chew bitch yeah i'd never met these guys before by the way you actually met yeah you did a show with pete a few weeks ago i did i might at my alma mater usf yeah and we talked about that when he when he got there i told him i was like christina hates you and um he showed up so late he could see his eyes how you know he was

like he told me about his routing that day oh the nightmare and he ended up getting he took like three flights that day to get to that gig i know and that's i was like why would you it was crazy that you would fly day of like that well he had to but he got a flight canceled and then we routed and it was funny because chad was like that's funny he's like you know the difference is that pete was told well um here's what you have to do to make that event you'd have to take these three flights and chad was like if they had said that to me i'd been like well this is a gig i'm not doing i guess i just got his car drove home yep adios amigo yep so that's funny yeah but he poor so pete i was supposed to close that show at usf and um

pete was my opener and they're like yeah this guy's driving in from oakland he was flew he was flying all day i'm like there's no way he's gonna make it for showtime so i went up first and and then he showed up super panicked like oh my god i'm so sorry that's the worst though it takes three flights to get to a gig that's that's horrific but i'm glad that you told him i was mad at him that's really funny yeah it's fine and i told him we're mad it's too bad um so tell tell us the chad daniel story like i you just told me this at dinner i thought it's fucking amazing about oh so we take the ferry over we took the ferry over to mcow from from uh wait did anybody say mcow no come on no one said it it's so good that's i wish you were there

i wish you'd have been there mcow mcow um so what's his tits oh yeah so we're all on the ferry um and they were filming a documentary by the way that's i didn't mention this about you guys about like you know i don't know what the i'm not directing the film but josh winstein who used to do um um uh what's it called oh my god um mystery science theater is the director he used to be one of the guys oh and he was a writer on freaks and geeks and a bunch of other stuff and he's a comic um had a crew and they filmed that they filmed us from arriving doing all the shows talking to people local comics the whole thing so they made that as this was going on so we're on the ferry to go to go to mcow which is like 10 times the amount of casinos as

las vegas and it's where they wash money and how you get money out of china because china doesn't let you take money out more than five thousand dollars so people go there uh gamble and then switch currencies and that's how they get me out of china oh no kidding yeah oh that's interesting it's pretty wild i didn't know that anything was in mcow i thought it was i thought it was like an island and prostitutes on there and that's it that's that is okay correct okay yeah i'm just checking yeah they told us we can go to this place and sit there and that they'll just walk girls out with numbers on them and you can just be like seven thirty seven fourteen and sixty three yeah like that documentary horrors glory yeah on netflix they

show them in thailand with a similar system they're behind glass oh yeah yeah and you so which one did you pick seven we just didn't have time oh we just timed in a lot of schedule was just tight it's too bad but some of that sweet mcow puss sweet puncy samed puncy that's the best i'm gonna start saying that i want some of that puncy samed puncy hold on yeah whoa i see it i see on the meter i see it on the meter that was so here's how you get to mcow from hong kong you go to you can take a helicopter or a helicopter over which i wanted to do and i yell that louis for not paying for us to do it but you can also go to the ferry is the common way to get over and ferries are the worst yeah ferries are the worst slow the turbo jet

ferry it's an hour long and you just you just go along you fly down right all over that you you can see mainland china hong kong and the mcow you land there in mcow and then it's fucking on the buses like just drive you over and then you you just see it's like vegas you see massive casinos and it and you see people flashing money like real money is in mcow people that have like people that have new money too because they said that a lot of people that like chinese mainlanders had no money because of just you know the system and then you know as capitalism has infiltrated parts like of the business side of china people who had no money are millionaires and they want to let everybody know when they're in mcow okay that's called new rich these um

the new vorice yeah yeah and these people like it's so fun you see asian dudes that look like dr ken in the hangover like they have all the dudes have purses like you know the man purses and they have like white loafers and white pants and then like they have versace shirts and like big gucci sunglasses it's fucking hilarious they sound a little bit like eastern europeans like it is tribe yeah like when the wall came down and but communism and did all that money what i was told was that when you're there that's how you distinguish a mainlander from hong konger see the hong kong people are more already more sophisticated they're bougie shit so you would a hong kong person with money would just look more sophisticated right um a mainlander with money

would wear like a chain and watches and gucci gucci louis louis fendi fendi product they would want to flash it so so that you know yeah they're they're flashy okay they're flashy what they said so anyways we're on the boat over and amongst the whole entire crew that we're we're we're we're rolling like 12 deep or so or something like that right we have ester ester is um our handler who is from hong kong speaks four languages fluently and a couple more partially so she speaks japanese cantonese mandarin in english and we're on the ferry no hungarian no hungarian well actually probably yes because her boyfriend's hungarian thank god yeah it's a beautiful language very useful everybody speaks yeah so she starts you know she's always telling us little

bits of information she's the sweetest she's awesome and she goes um oh these girls because they see the cameras everywhere she's uh esters like these girls are from korea and they're like hello like they wave you know they're all excited and um we're like oh hi and then uh we tell them that cameraman ryan's birthday like it's his birthday and they're like oh happy birthday and then i think chad goes give him will you give him a birthday kiss and you know they don't know what they don't know what we're saying so ester knows um uh some korean and she goes tell them uh bubu sale bubu it's a sale is give me a kiss please and so we're like we give him a bubu it's a sale and they're like no and and then um chad shows them he gives he gives ryan a kiss on the cheek

like bubu it's a sale and they're like and then he gets up and he he turns around and he kind of puts his hands on his butt cheeks spreads them and goes bubu it's a sale my b-hole that is so offensive to korean ladies well here's the thing so offensive i know for sure never before in their lives had someone said will you give me a little kiss on my asshole do you know they're gonna hate americans forever now because of they went from fascinated and looking at smiling they hate they hate america now yeah great and their faces dropped and they turned around and looked at the ground because someone's home please give me a little kiss on my butthole do you but do you realize like like i i've been only to korea and asia and like i remember

lesson number one they told us women hold on dude what's going on in this episode what is going on you really what was that you made a face what was that i did not that wasn't me that was theo and you leaned on Jesus christ bubu boy is a sale bubu boy is a sale my brown hole my butthole i remember they told us donkeys us american donkey women they're like you're not supposed to laugh out loud in public it's considered really crude that's why they cover their mouths and stuff like you're not supposed to drink in public as a woman like there's all kinds of societal remember we went to the korean barbecue place and they brought

a drink for me and i go what about for her and he goes oh real hard yeah like it's yeah it's that's super offensive you can't even like take pictures of children there without consent well why are you taking pictures of kids like as a tourist if you wanted to be like oh look how cute these green children are you can't pat a child on the head yeah it's considered like the utmost rude we're like these little punchy semens are everywhere how much did you love it when my dad told you that i really like that's one of your favorites yeah like every slur he's told me has been top notch i'm glad my dad gives us the knowledge i don't know if they still use that i don't know hungarians if you're listening did you tell your ex that one did he know about them

no no no there was a day with the i had dated a chinese guy for those of you who haven't listened to a million other episodes uh i had a chinese boyfriend after college for like four years and he hadn't heard all the racist jokes about this blew my mind when you told me this you told me this years ago and i was like what are you talking about well imagine if you were like black or you're you're mexican so imagine like people were so afraid to tell you these jokes about mexicans but i thought every race knew what people like the shit that people talk about them he didn't know that's what i'm saying is amazing yeah like you know if you're black if you're latin if you're asian you know the go to you know actually you know what though i didn't

know what people really thought about white girls until i worked on the tbs show funniest wins and i was like oh that's what you fuckers think about white girls well just that we're super we're whores and we suck dicks on the first date and oh yeah yeah i'm trying to think of some other ones i'll i'll remember them that's it that's all you can remember that what a whore you guys are yeah that's the major one that white girls are super fucking slutty that's funny which we are i mean not me but look at these whores on tinder now dude like do you realize now if you were single there's a fucking app on your iphone and you can be like i'm gonna hook up with this chick tonight and she's in my neighborhood i got news for you

you don't have to be single i have that app and it fucking works all right speaking of apps guys my cousin julie who's been on this show started this awesome thing on instagram called ugly face gram basically it's it's girls mostly we want to encourage women to do this to submit their ugliest selfies you can be a boy and do it too it doesn't matter but it's mainly as a backlash towards this fucking obnoxious selfie stuff follow follow our instagram submit ugly face gram on instagram it's pretty fucking rad i submitted one i advise you to do one yeah yeah selfies is a word oh you know what i i didn't tell you also so we didn't realize like we're watching in singapore um shad and i were watching pete do his set and it was like the perfect light

and it was like the first time any of us had noticed look at that that bulge on pete he's got a huge hog in those pains oh man so for the rest of the trip it was like we were just staring at those boys down there i mean it looks like he's got six balls so um we we spent a lot of time wondering what what that big balls of pete are doing i think that like i think pete's dick and balls should have their own twitter account it's not a bad idea um did you did you ask him about his dick and balls oh yeah and he was like oh you guys are making me feel good like he was being modest about it but it looked like he was fucking smuggling mangos out of uh singapore that's interesting i wouldn't think that about him i've seen him in person and you know

you didn't think big dick and balls i didn't feel that i didn't get that initial impression well that just showed you evidence didn't i that was a huge pack inch what's his phone number what's his is he on on twitter 97 yeah 555 first of all i i think the question everybody is dying to know about most importantly how how was your brown situation in hong kong chang chong funny that you ask i haven't heard that in a while it's always a it's always a pleasure to you always it is always a pleasure christina it's a pleasure to be here um i had healthy browns really i had healthy browns i mean my worst browns were on the flight over i browned four times whoa wait a minute walk me

through every brown go ahead well i had i had a pickup here at the house at like six six thirty in the morning so no morning coffee no morning shit and here's what happened i'd never met chad but we had each other's phone numbers and sarah who works at acme also was with him because she came on the trip so they text me that they're at the sky lounge you know waiting for the in seattle waiting to connect to hong kong we i i misunderstand where they're at so in my mind when i'm ready to shit i go i'll just go to the sky club and shit there it's much better than shitting with these peasants the riffraff yeah so i go to the gate which is where i think the sky club is and it's not there well then i have my bags and i go hey man i'm not coming because

i misunderstood you i'm just at the gate and he's like all right we'll meet you there well i figure i have to shit and i go i'll wait till they come here so they can watch my bags it's always more freeing with someone can watch that's the best that's the only yeah the only reason to travel with other people is so that they can watch your stuff while you shit that's it yeah that is the point there should be a book called travel with others so they can watch your bags while you shit that's the only reason so anyways then they start boarding and you know once they start boarding i don't wait for anything so then i go fuck so i haven't shit yet you're kidding so i get on the plane oh no and right away like i go i want to take a nap but i go you know i got a shit now

walk me through this are you in coach are you in premium economy or you in first class okay leads me to believe it's you better get your life girl get your life you better get your life get your life okay i'm in business elite first class of course bougie okay i didn't know oh you bougie i didn't even know if you were serious or not so anyways so but that's but you understand why i ask that the question because it will really set up how your entire flight shitting situation will go yeah no you're right i mean it's a sensible question to ask and i shouldn't have taken it so offensively but yeah i'm in first i get ready to take a nap but i go i'm in a shit um and it's it's i don't know it's morning you know and i haven't had the proper process take place so are we

like at a six we're at a five six loose yeah it's kind of it's just kind of mushy it's kind of soft mushy and i'm already upset you know and then how's the cleanup easy tough it's hard on a plane yeah it's not that big you know the bathrooms aren't big so i'm i'm really cleaning up in there wet and a lot of paper you know yeah yeah then i have um something to eat and right away i got a shit again oh no but it's not loosey goosey it's just you know it's just i got a shit no why do you and babay babay to say oh my beautiful why do you think tom i mean you've already taken your morning dump why do you think you had to take a second shit that day i think because my first one wasn't a relaxed shit that's why i wanted to sit on that can for

15 minutes yes and we were still ascending you know i mean like i was we weren't even so it was as if yeah you were cut off it was cut off too early and there was more to give mm-hmm like a relationship that ended too soon that's a really good really good analogy it's a really good analogy thank you yeah so then i take a nap and i sleep you know i don't know three four hours no are these in the lay down beds yeah that's the miracle changes everything that's the best thing on the planet yeah and i then i realized here's how much it changes everything i'd be willing to go into debt if i didn't have the points to fly like that i know it really changes your life you have no idea what it's like to fly overseas on the lay down bed versus economy

and you're an act like i would not do it for a three or four hour flight obviously but when you're talking 14 15 16 hours it's a game changer it's a game changer so i wake up for my nap and that's when i shit the third time on the wow now why do you think prompted the third bell movement that one was that i had eaten and rested and then it was actually how it started moving down huh number four it was a surprise to me it was like um it was like finding a 20 in your pocket i didn't think it was going to happen now that's a nice analogy too yeah it was like do i have to shit how much time is left and they're like two and a half hours and i was like oh i'm going to shit a fourth time now let me ask you this tom do you feel pressure do you feel like

because i often can't shit on planes because i feel the line building i sense other people want in i i feel rushed i feel panicked and hurried you don't feel that i definitely do the what was nice was that in the first cabin at the front there are two full-size bathrooms um so even though there were people sometimes waiting they had access to a second bathroom so you can kind of you know get away with that on your standard flight yeah i'm not thrilled about shitting on the plane plus when people sleep like during the movies or you know the lights are off that's a little relax time to shit i did notice that on the flight there versus the flight back the flight there so many farts in first it smelled like a fart factory in first it really did it's not like

people were shitting in their seats uh in first on the way but it sounds as though the way back they didn't correct me if i'm wrong it sounds as though you had some bowel distress and that maybe the food gave everybody a little distress could that be a corollary correlation here i hate when you make sense but you did it again wow you did it again you did it again you ain't my bitch nigga buy your own damn fries now you know that guy ain't shit sorry his motherfucker got nothing on me right nothing there are white folks and then they're ignorant motherfuckers like you you make sense rock now remember when i started on the flight over to africa yes because we ate mexican food before a flight from atlanta johannesburg that was a bad move that was my first

chart ever and when i had the lesson in that don't eat mexican before don't eat mexican before the flight number one number two always travel with spare underwear and i did good i did and you know what i flew like a lunatic from hong kong back because we were drunk exhausted sweating we just looked fucking crazy we took a shower at the airport and i put on those uh those pajama shorts those dick shorts that are pajama shorts oh that's what i flew in with my balls hanging out what does joey say like a doctor like a doctor well that's good for you he looks good joey lost a lot of weight yeah just saw him on saturday that's great it looks really good um my cattle bells he'll eat a little quinoa quinoa so so you mean to tell me though

that you didn't get diarrhea the entire time i didn't i had some i had you know i went for it i mean i had some street food had some crazy dim sum went to a little hole in the wall place late night one night and got like um pork and beef tendons and a noodle soup i went for it i had some chili pepper flakes and a little sauce that were so hot going down that i knew it was going to be fire coming out but i got lucky and it didn't really fuck me up you're very blessed uh but we're also we're you know this is hong kong this isn't we weren't like in some underdeveloped you know i mean dicey well hey you know when we were in Seoul um i was the last one to get diarrhea but everybody did everybody did so it was a nice kind of yeah that's what's called it's a it's not

a country korea's the country well that's really neat tom i'm glad to hear it i'm glad you're back we missed you theo and i how about those uh hungry tits that we just saw at dinner we've been calling girls with small tits hungry tits yeah just got those hungry tits and if you're out there and you got those hungry tits we just want to remind you that um all you got to do is feed them you gotta feed those hungry tits you gotta feed those hungry tits make them into big slappers you got those big hanger slappers i don't what i wouldn't give for a pair of hungry tits you know yours are well fed i don't really like them this big you know i could downsize the hungry tits you got those cow tits hungry tits you know that song of course

well the waitress took our order today she took our order and she walked away and you're like did you see those hungry tits and i'm like oh i didn't even look at her tits well they were eye level with me and they were they were tiny little hungry tits you know what though i i think that i like i'm not critiquing them i'm not critiquing no no i know but i'm saying that i this is a sidebar is that i i think hungry tits are sometimes nicer than slappers because i got big old slips definitely different days you want different sized teddies in your face for sure i guess yeah yeah i mean it's like you like you have the kind of that rolodex of dicks you got um what you go through those different sized dicks all the time you know like sometimes you feel like a smaller one and sometimes

you get those that big meaty dildo out and it's like what is wrong with you who are you who are you go through the different sizes you know what are you talking about you said that sometimes you feel like different sized teddies nobody's ever said that oh yeah nobody said that on this okay in our life ever what's wrong with you hungry hungry tits what's wrong with y'all hungry tits are hungry dicks um yeah but if you got those hungry tits you know you should still let people suck on them they want to suck on you all right okay this is it's getting hot hot in here it's getting hot in here looks like i've got my clothes i know that's right will you be safe okay all right all right you going out tonight you going out tonight oh you know what this fucking guy is wearing uh

a crop top uh-huh his stomach is out and he's it also has shoulder straps it's a bra yeah um it's very small on him yeah then he has on cut-off jean shorts that are really really small and tight well he listens to the show he's a fan clearly oh i thought you mean this was a fan submission no it's a fan submission oh okay i thought you meant like this is a listener submission this is a i'm just joking he's not really your mom's house listener though he should be with his jeans that tight oh you're gonna get fucked up right here you shouldn't try to flamingo down there you're gonna buy for the chocolate chocolate chocolate

making me out of wood chain handcuffs i'm gonna whip in my belt in here to play my game okay all right all right see you later and they're in a parking lot of what appears to be i don't know it could be like a fast food place at an intersection yeah and he's dancing for them and they're asking him questions he has a nine five four tattooed on his face yeah yeah that day county that's broward county oh 305 is dead all right what's your name and he's dancing for them because i'm bright like a diamond i will i will hi he has he has little moves for everything that he sinks to nice little dance moves yeah it's something

do you think i'm just throwing this out there as a hypothesis okay i don't mean to throw stones do you think he might be high on drugs it's no he just has the the the joy of the lord in his heart yeah natural it's just natural man it's not you know you and then they get him back by giving him compliments you know it's the best just when he's like are they making fun of me they're like you're cute not cute nothing about this is he's got a huge gut that hangs over his pants too it's his right yeah baby all right actually when it's up that's the way we like to fuck fuck up fuck they do the oh that's good you got moves you can sing you can do it all you gotta encourage crazy that's how you that's how you work with it all right rihanna you it's too cute i like them shorts

man hey yeah well what are you putting it well put what you know don't worry it's tough like it's tight baby oh no that's right i know that's right he talks his junk yeah yeah don't worry it's tucked she fucking asked him where his junk was dude where you put it that's so great he's just doing him you know i'm saying he's doing him no i know i know what he's doing um so should we talk about it like do we need to talk about the elephant in the room yeah are we gonna make this the dog elephant in the room if you will the dog elephant the dog trainer elephant what the fuck is going on it's on you guys huh while i was in hong kong uh one peter kane who we have featured many times on the show

out of nowhere posted a video online and for the purpose of this show we will play it in its entirety is unbelievable it's so crazy i don't even know what to do yet if you're driving we recommend you pull over do put the car in park for the it's peter kane guys and peter fucking kane maybe put on the parking brake i can't believe it if you're at home sit down if you're at the gym put the weights down it's peter motherfucking kane christina and tom's podcast your mom's house christina said some really mean stuff like really mean stuff and i don't want to go into all of it but uh some of it is stuff that caesar melan's relatives have accused me of on youtube and that's that i'm jealous of caesar melan and when she said it you know she laughed and did that you know that little impish

laugh that she has kind of like robin quiver she did that right after she said it you know let me tell you something christina i'm not jealous of caesar melan or any of the other people that i fuck with or talk about i'm not i just think that he's incompetent and he's not helping dogs and that's why i got involved in this three years ago making videos and uh starting read your dog on facebook was to help educate the american people and that's all i'm doing is i'm calling out caesar melan and victoria still well and all them for just being incompetent their faces on a tv show that's it so i'm not jealous of him maybe it's 45 million bucks who wouldn't want that christina do you have 45 million bucks when you want that 45 mil yeah but i'm not jealous of him as a person

our dog trainer i'm peter kane you know i'm multifaceted i'm an artist comedian and dog trainer he's a dog trainer with 45 million dollars but i you know she said a lot of other things and i'll talk about it later but the the one thing the other thing that she did that sticks out of my mind was she accused me of being a racist and it's because i said you know this is an english-speaking country and if you're doing a dog training show by the way word no not a sad as he's saying that he he cuts to um like a i don't even know what dude it's like a mexican doll humping a watermelon he's an artist and i know that he makes like huge pieces like that yeah so as he's accusing me of being racist he cuts to a mexican like sombrero guy fucking a watermelon

with his dick out okay i just wanted to point that out visually that's what's happening yeah that is what's happening in the video right so she accused me of like being a racist listen christina i'm not the one that named my brown dog theo huckstable i know what the fuck i know okay did i name my dog oj no you'll probably get another dog because you seem like dog people what's your dog what's your next dog's name gonna be uncle ben you know step and fetch it am i really the racist christina i didn't name my dog theo huckstable oh and now it's the mexican thing humping the watermelon big words first of all why am i the only target here like you've never said anything rodin about

peter kane i don't think i have oh bullshit no i don't think i have but there's nothing that you have you don't have those hungry tits okay you got those big hangers wow so i mean should we even address peter canes do i should we defend ourselves uh what do we do one of my favorite things when i saw this video i got so excited one of the things i have to point out um first fall is how happy i am that he made this oh my god secondly um that peter who titled this video christina pijitzki calling the kettle black i think that peter kane assumes all kettles are black because one of our favorite things about naming our dog theo huckstable is that he's blonde and people assume when they hear his name that he's a dark dog and that's why we named him theo

huckstable especially black people they'll be like and then they're like oh it's a blonde dog yeah dude he's got my hair color yeah he's he's a blonde little guy he's not even if there was a white dog it would be it would be theo huckstable but anyways i mean look first of all i i okay peter um yeah you have to you have to be rude no i'm assuming he listens to the show now obviously we love you and like you know i found his videos months ago looking for dog videos to help train theo because theo came with you know rescue issues and i found his videos and we just thought they were silly and amusing and you know i don't mean anything malicious if i ever said anything that was hurtful i apologize peter kane i we absolutely adore you

it's ridiculous right tom 100 percent yeah we we love you buddy and uh you know i it breaks my heart to think that he would be upset about what we said about even though i'm sure i'm so stay always say dopey shit i don't know what the fuck what are we we're fucking comics yeah what do i know we make fun of people with Tourette's for fuck's sake peter kane mm-hmm and i feel like he did another one though didn't he yeah there's now two more there's two more yeah um let's get into these other ones where's the other one i can't listen to it upsets me my stomach starts to hurt why well i hate i hate that he's mad at me i hate it he's not mad at you i don't think he's mad at you this is um another video of his this one is called a dog named theo huckstable no on dogs

and then he talked about harnesses too it's a message for theo huckstable's owners and if i'm incorrect about this it's a message for anybody that has their dog on a harness harnesses promote pulling and bad behaviors that's how it is you know the correction happens at the neck if you have your dog on a harness you're not correcting at all you're just walking it around telling the dog that it's in charge in other words theo huckstable likes hennessey and smoking crack you know he's gonna what he doesn't smoke crack crack theo's never smoke crack that's peter i buy cools from every other day from the the corner store he does like his henny that's true out of a bowl like a gentleman like a gentleman he doesn't smoke crack he smokes a lot of weed

and cigarettes and he does cocaine like a gentleman like an adult he doesn't do fucking low-class drugs no he doesn't have money to do the good stuff peter cigarette guy 100% cocaine he does cocaine he can afford it we live in the good neighborhoods now we live in the burbs you can afford it i've never seen it i really don't think you should be giving our dog cocaine cigarettes is where i don't give it to him he buys it with the money that he collects from his bets how much but i can't control everything he does he's a he's a grown up unfortunately in his mind he wanted to smoke crack and drink hennessey if you have him on the harness so remember guide dogs and sled dogs those are that's completely different the sled dog is pulling

something and the guide dog has been trained with a collar at the neck it's a highly trained dog you're never going to get your dog in check if it's on a harness even if it's a no pole harness it's the same thing you're not correcting the dog you're just walking around with me i'm sorry that's just how it is guys the bus do you think he times it so that the bus shows up i think i think peter goes i'm gonna make a video what's the noisiest part of new york i can where in brooklyn can i stand i'm assuming it's brooklyn right doesn't he live in brooklyn but i think he's like that factory is closed i don't think i can film in there but there is a shooting range over here maybe they'll let me film right here you got to get your dog on a collar unless

it has some kind of medical problem and not some kind of now there's a video i want to see that has nothing to do with us that as i was looking pulling these up i just ran past the title now we don't have to we don't have to play it but can i read you the title then you tell me if you want to hear it or not it's called i shit my pants now do you want to hear it how long is it 120 it's because i felt so bad and then i woke up in about three or four and i'm cramping up man i really i feel sick what i'm like god damn and i have to go use the bathroom and as i'm walking towards the bathroom it's going you know my hand hits the the doorknob of the bathroom that's when it happened right in the fucking seat of my pants you know it's dripping down the back of my fucking

legs it's disgusting you know and it might be warm inside you it might be the same temperature but as soon as it comes out your ass it gets cold so you can feel it dripping down the back of your legs it's gross and then so i take the bath and then i'm like well i got to do something with these jeans so my my decision was to just bag them up and throw them away right get a trash bag throw them away along with my shoes because it dripped into my shoes so i bag it up and as i'm bagging it up i get shit on myself it fucking sucks you know if it to make matters worse i had to get back in the bath you know you know the water's all brown and shit i don't want to wear diapers i really don't i don't want to wear diapers and if this is how it's going to be in the future

fucking put a bullet in my fucking head peter gains all kinds of fired up these days i just want to say what can i say one thing to peter please be careful he might make a video about no i know i would just say what you say well i wanted to say this to you you know from christina and i you have two huge fans if you listen to every episode yes we make fun of everybody that we play clips on and we've probably said insensitive mean things about people that we never really mean never but i will say this watch your fucking back when the oh here's this shit because you got nothing to worry about with the two of us yeah i'm a fan i've said it through

and through i'm a huge fan we christina is a huge fan i mean we've loved playing your clips we've i want to say that we've been at the forefront of playing you and sharing your your let's be real you know we've we've been on to the the goodness of peter kane a long time longer than yeah maybe some other people that might have picked you up later i don't know there's like three or four you know months maybe around there that we've been playing your stuff and we love it but when you bring theo's name into the conversation all i have to say is you're on your own you you made your bed and now you have to lie in it you brought this on you bro when you're out walking through brooklyn and you see dogs walking around you're like oh what a cute

fucking dog maybe you shouldn't pet that dog okay okay maybe you should maybe you should watch out and look when you get to the dog parks in brooklyn maybe do a full scan of the park and see who's hanging out and what kind of attitude dogs have you know what i think theo might already know because i saw him on xpedia looking for tickets to jfk yeah no shit yeah it might be too late dude look out peter kane i'm just saying man if you see some new dogs hanging around the neighborhood you're like that dog looks shady as fuck you've got patch fur missing and snaggle tooth and he's talking to your dogs like where do you live and he says he's from the hundreds block ten times down with the s on the end just man just know that you did it to yourself

and if you want to issue an apology that theo personally now is your fucking chance because you don't want to get on the bad side of that guy i'm telling you he barely tolerates my existence oh and just so you know peter kane that was perfect the way you just did that did i it was so peter you know just so you know peter all right okay he's so he's so aggro yeah he's fucking harnesses they don't do a fucking thing harnesses are the worst you know peter just so you know peter i've actually taken theo hexable off a harness now yeah you have you did a while ago and i did it why because i've been watching peter king true story and oh you're gonna hate this peter kane because of your videos and because i like

caesar melan and i saw it on caesar he uses just the collar too so i figure look if you guys do it if peter kane does it caesar melan does it i'm gonna do it too why are you why are you giving caesar props because not every he can't be all wrong not everybody's all wrong i will say this something good that peter likes about caesar you did tell me that um walks have been much better since she started using the neck only it's true because you can correct the dog you're right he's right about that pulling thing then he feels like he's in charge and he already has an ego the size of downtown la he barely he's always stopping to collect money or stopping to you know visit bitches and stuff that's what he says this way i keep him on track i love it

i love it i can't i can't believe peter kane's making videos about us it's crazy the best thing ever that's the best thing ever um wait but this peter kane thing i i do want to say p just so that everybody knows peter kane is an artist he's had art shows in new york he's like he makes cool stuff oh um and he did want to make a correction about the he's not a hoarder just that everybody yeah where's that video i don't that was not in that theo video was it no that was wait there's the first video that he sent us was that it i thought it was in there maybe he is we listened the whole thing i thought we did did we not oh maybe we we didn't you we skipped in anyway he's not a hoarder guys clarification that's all his like art stuff

like big he makes big pieces so that's what that is well how did we not see that right now i'm confused i think maybe you cut in to the video like maybe he didn't play from the very beginning or something is there more maybe we didn't finish it really yeah all right let me check veter kane youtube um oh yeah peter kane yeah that's what i want to say sorry he's an artist he's a dog trainer hmm because he does say that in the video he's like i'm not a hoarder yeah people isn't it on that one that's made this that's written to you the first one yeah but i didn't hear it when we played it did you what the fuck i'm so confused right now it's all right you're jet lagged i am jet lag and i am very confused well at any rate if we can't find the

audio of it to clarify that i'm not jealous of seeing read your dog on facebook yeah fun mel yeah other things and i'll talk about it later but the the one thing the other thing that she did that sticks out of my mind was she accused me of being a racist show that part okay did i name my dog oj no it's not there it's not there i don't know man but i know what you're talking about yeah right i didn't name my dog the oj we even showed artwork in it you know you know you know you know peter kane do you think peter kane is one of those guys that is like east coast all the way like raised oh oh oh this is it it doesn't mention you that's the one this he did this was before he

called you out by name and this is totally for you and me this is for you and me for saying hoarding stuff it's been a lot of comments on the internet about this place and most of the comments that are made are that uh this you know that i'm a hoarder that i have some kind of obsessive compulsive disorder and it's rude it really is it's rude this is an art studio and to me it seems obvious that this is an art studio and i do not have that disorder these are individual objects do you see more than one no no you don't you see stacks of newspaper yeah you know do you see used paper plates stacked up or balls of string no you don't you don't shit it's art you can't tell this i make animatronics i make film i work in all mediums i write poetry you know

and i train dogs but what the fuck man you don't like my art well why don't you keep it yourself it's not garbage to me all right so fuck you i love it i love it i feel like colors are used with all right um i think he's so fired up that's what's so funny he's always so fired up he is so fucking fired up there's no well peter i feel like there's no there's no zero to ten it's always like it's seven it's always seven and up yeah he goes he goes he goes it's so great so we're big fans of um of him out real quick before we we get out of here uh the two guys i toured with pete lee and chad daniels please send them tweets um pete lee is at pete lee tweets that's what his handle is so pete lee and then tweets twee ets that's the handle please uh send him tweets about

his bulge and that you've you saw his bulge his cock and balls and say that you enjoy his stand up but you'd love to see what his cock and balls have to say um and then of course chad daniels his handle is chad daniels 34 so that's the handle c-h-a-d-d-a-n-i-e-l-s-3-4 and tell what's the phrase to tell chad but boy chaseo mobihol but he's also um very handsome if you could please tell him that you think he's handsome he looks like richard gear he looks a lot like richard gear and in person it's crazy like people would come up to him when we were in hong kong they go pretty woman wow pretty woman but he's like an older richard gear well he's older than richard gear was when he filmed pretty woman because chat's 51 now and i think richard gear was

in his 40s when he made that but please send him tweets about that also also guys ugly face gram that's ugly face gram on instagram it's my cousin's account submit your ugly selfies i think it's a really funny movement and by the way never ever have i seen the feedback like we got on obi one kanoli's uh theo song that's so crazy uh so crazy probably one of the most amazing things that's happened on our show besides peter came making a video for us yeah the obi one kanoli song is a revelation someone emailed asking how the barks were made in the background so obi one kanoli people want to know that's theo's bark that's definitely not theo's bark trust me theo's bark is far more shrill and horrifying to hear his you know i hate it with theo barks it's like the

worst sound it's the worst the worst um obi one kanoli i'm assuming you used like a stock bark but it's awesome people want to know awesome all right all right guys that's it scandalous episode of your mom's house today um i don't know how to respond do you do we make videos back do we what do we do now we just wait wait for the next installment to come out of peter came for you i think we should try to talk to theo tell him not to go get on the plane right now because we don't want to like escalate i don't want i i'm all about peace you know keep the peace but once his mind is made up it's like you know you can't even you can't stop him you can't rationalize no fuck well you brought this on yourself kane nice job nice job yeah sup kane

sup kane all right guys bye guys we love you greasy greasy fun greasy please to