Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 257-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 3, 2014

Ohhhh Jeans! We're Back! Tommy pulled up his sick, barking jeans and coughs and blows his nose throughout the show just to remind you that he sacrifices so much for her.  Tina is VERY surprised to hear a series of NEW drops in her honor! Can you guess what they are? They are blessed indeed.  Be sure to relax on this one as the smooth sounds of Crapzo and Manwelle and White Tigress penetrate your soul - choose whichever one best suits your needs.  Plus we give you the 411 on the Segura Family Cruise. What's that? Were family genitals shared? Mmmm-hmmm. Plus some WOULD YOU RATHERS and more!

I'm going to get a tally in it. Yeah? Yeah, let's order from that place. It delivers. Okay. We can do that. Yeah. G.

G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G.

G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G.

G. G. I'm feeling all right. It would be better if you were nicer, but I'm feeling all right. It would be better if you were Puerto Rican or... Yeah, maybe better. I'll get through it. I hope so.

You've got good drugs now. I got intense drugs. Yeah. You saw Dr. Dick? I did. I saw Dr. Dick, if you guys know my special, the Doctor Story. I saw that doctor for the first time in a while and I gave him the special. It was the first time that I go, hey, you're on this for like 10 minutes and he was like,

what? And then I told him... Well, we'll tell the story on the show. Let's not blow our loaves. We've got a lot to cover. So Jeans, this week you are in Momlando. Yeah. Also known as Orlando, Florida at the Orlando Improv October 2nd, October 3rd, October 4th,

and October 5th. One show October 2nd, two shows October 3rd, two shows October 4th, one show October 5th. You know what? That's interesting because I'm doing the same format, October 2nd, October 3rd, October 4th. See, now you like it. Now you're having fun with saying everything. You enjoy it.

At the... I'm at the Cincinnati Funny Bone in Newport, Kentucky. Cool. Next week we go to Manfred Disco, Cox Comedy Club, Cock and Balls Comedy Club, Cobbs Comedy Club, October 9th. One show only. It's a live podcast. There's no stand-up.

It's for real mommies only. If you like podcasting, we do it live there. We always have a blast in San Francisco. Manfred Disco. Manfred Dis... Blast! And then, oh, in two weeks, October 21st, October 22nd, October 23rd, October 24th, and October 25th, I'll be at Acme Comedy Club in Minneapolis.

That's one of my favorites in the world. You know that. So Minneapolis, I'm back. Please come and see me. I'm very excited. It really is my favorite. And then we go and we do a special Jeans-only tour, Denim on Denim for the Winter Weather Tour.

We're going to... Wait, no, first Seattle on November 6th, the High Line where we've been before. November 7th, Portland, Oregon at the Analog Cafe, and November 8th, Chicago at the empty bottle, and we've set up some special stuff for Chicago, so I hope you're excited, Chicago, Illinois. The S is not silent. And I have a tour, a mini tour coming up of Stand Up, and I really hope you guys come and see me do it.

It's a new hour, not a completely normal hour, and I'm doing Houston, Dallas, New Orleans, and Oklahoma City, and it's November 14th, 15th, 16th, and 17th. All tickets at TomCigarette.com. Please come support me. I love you. Yeah, that's good. Any other dates to plug? November 20th through 23rd, that's November 20th, 21st, 22nd, and 23rd.

20th, 21st, 22nd, and 23rd. I'm at the Toledo Funny Bone in Toledo, Ohio. Ohio. I think there's a fatfish blue or something attached to that. There is, Tom. Something America loves. It's Cajun cuisine. Everybody loves spicy Cajun food with their comedy.

With you, dog. I would have to say on the spectrum of cuisines, up there with Ethiopian, I'm trying to think of what else. I would say Cajun's up there with stuff I don't like. I'm not into it. Pakistani food, not so much. Now you don't like it. Lithuanian, not too keen on, and that's just judging from our old neighbor who used

to cook Lithuanian food and we would smell it through the wall. Pakistani food is like Indian food. Don't you like Indian food? It's similar. Maybe you're right. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what they... I feel like it's mushy.

It's a lot of slop on a plate, a lot of hands and stuff, mush, Afghani food too. Same thing. Yeah. Your mom'shousepodcast.com has the clips, has the photos, tour dates. We still have to fucking... Oh man, we got to cover that too. The photos. Oh fuck.

My butt. Oh man. You know what? We haven't really caught up. We came home from the cruise and Tom got fell ill and then it's just been chaos. All right. Ready to do this? Yeah.

Let's go. Hello. My name is Manuel and welcome to the ASMR Center of Relaxation. I would like to thank Monica for allowing you to come into the center and just watch a relaxation session together. So Monica has indicated to me that she likes whispering sounds in her ear, gentle touching, playing with her hair and she loves crinkle sounds. So we're going to try and combine all of those together here for Monica and you so that

we can all enjoy it together and it just ruffles my frills to be given this opportunity just to show you how relaxing it can be to have a relaxation session with an ASMR artist. What the fuck? What the fuck is this? Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking stand. Welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Wow, Tom. It's so loud, Tom. It's so loud. Gee, that was loud.

That was crazy. What was that? Relax. I feel relaxed already. I think Cropso opened a business for relaxation now. That was Cropso? No. I wish.

Bro. He jizzes on you and you fall asleep. Cropso does. You remember Cropso. Cropso stares at me and I can eat breakfast. Oh my God, I forgot about Cropso. Braco is his name, yeah? Yeah, Braco.

He stares at you and he heals you with the stairs, right? That's all he does. He stares at you. But then didn't we revise his talent to be that he ejaculates on you and his ejaculate cures you? Yeah. And then you're like, oh, now that Braco has Cropso stared at me, I can eat and I can rest. He's really amazing.

I love Braco and his stairballs and his jizz balls. It's so weird. Yeah, he's such a weird thing, man. He's like from my people. He's my tribe. Yeah, and people are like, I just fucking look at him and everything's better. It really is the weirdest thing, but that's all. This is but that's all.

Yeah. He never speaks. It was an amazing experience. Yeah, just there's nothing that can compare. Why? It's okay. It's gross. Stares easy.

He looks super Eastern Europe. Within 10 seconds, I saw him shape shift. People really come into their own. They get a sense of power. They stand taller. They stand plump. They glow. They have purpose.

They have purpose. It was just like a shower of golden specks of calm. Like a confection just flowing. I ate every last ounce of it and now I have more fun. Braco stares at you. He's like, I relax. I like this guy. I'm just going to stop.

What's the thought? Let's start running my fingers through the hair. It's so creepy. Through the hair. It's so weird. Is he South African? I can't tell. Yes.

Yes. His name is Manuel. I'm trying my fingers. Manuel, there's basically one spelling of Manuel. It's M-A-N-U-E-L, right? Manuel. He spells it. M-A-N-W-E-L-L-E.

Manuel. Oh, I get it. Get it? Wow. Wow. I don't really. When I like that he incorporates the crinkle sounds, he goes, and she likes crinkle sounds.

Crinkle sounds. Let's make a crinkle sound. And there's her skin. He's rubbing her shoulders. Oh, for real? Mm-hmm. Oh, boy. Playing with her hair.

It's so weird. I like my hair playing with you. So when someone has a relaxation session, you just want them to feel comfortable. Yeah, and relaxed. Is this really something we need to learn? It's something I need to charge people for. So you think you can get the most benefit.

Petting her hair. People pay for this. Mm-hmm. Like Cropso. Cropso does nothing, which is what I'm so amazing about Cropso. Yeah, he just stares at you and you feel those powers. People are like, I don't fucking know what happened, but I shit my pants.

And I saw him shape shift. Shape shifting. Wait, but this guy plays with your hair and makes crinkle sounds. Oh, he just went like, he just did a circular. Like energies, chakras, things. I like those things. Yeah. You know, I'm into rock salts and positive affirmations.

Even just energy. E-massage. E-massage. I love your massage. It's very gentle. You should be Manuel. Oh, yeah. Manuel.

Christina Wilde. Manuel. W-E-L-L. I know I would remove the earring. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I like it already. Oh, that's where he pulls the dick out.

So it sounds like it's going to. Gently place my penis down your throat. And take it in. And relax. And take a deep breath. And relax. And relax. I want to talk a little bit about the white tigers practices.

I practice as a white tigers for about a year. In the oral sex tradition, there's a lot of things, like for example, we have a technique where you're really sucking deeply the penis and you're almost like gagging on it. And when I first heard about this technique and then saw it, I was like, Saw it? Oh, my goodness. And it was this, like the instant thing that came up in me was that it's degrading to women.

Or the technique where you're holding the back of the head and the man is holding her head. Holding. Holding her head. She saw it and then she started holding. Holding. Maybe she has a speech impediment from having so many dicks in her mouth. Circling his hips and grinding his penis into her mouth. How enjoyable it is to have his penis inside of your mouth, deep in your throat.

Oh, boy. How enjoyable it is, especially around the, one of the practices is to actually have semen on your face. Oh, boy. And you're meditating and you're drawing. Are you also into this practice? This is how I meditate. It's funny. She brings this up.

Yeah. It's how I do it every morning. And that met and that semen is there and it's just. That's my body. A couple tears came down. I'm just like, oh, wow. I'm not this kind of, I'm thinking of myself. I'm not this kind of guy.

Braco is someone who actually. I'm not the kind of guy that cries when another guy comes in my face, but I did. And Cropso did it. Cropso makes me cry. Would never call himself a healer. Do you have any specific healer? No, Cropso would never do that. Feelings that you know of that have taken place through this time with Braco.

A boy who was having PTSD. Fuck you. Okay. I'm Braco. I want to relax. Massage. You can always close your eyes at any time. Ah, they're already closed.

Just relax. Take my finger from behind underneath. Slightly. Make a circle around her, Anus. Oh, how she enjoys anal stimulation. I would not trust a man to do this crap. Let's go. You need like a lady who's got a real gentle voice.

You need that like real timid massage therapist, you know? Like that kind of energy. Yeah. Where she's like, ah, my name is Crystal. And just if you could tell me your problem areas. What are you having? Tension. My name is Serene Crystals.

Yeah. Summer day. Yeah. Summer day. I like people like that. I trust those people to massage me. Your energy's all like, ah, no, no, no, no, no. You're going to fuck me up.

I don't need that, bros. You need a practice I can get into, you know? And you're visualizing white light and you're drawing in his essence through his semen. Drawing. We know that this is also beneficial. Semen has lots of wonderful proteins and minerals and things in it that are great for your skin. So by meditating on it, drawing it in, and massaging it under your skin and just letting it dry on your skin. It's a skin-tightener.

I mean, there's all kinds of really great stuff to it. And that practice I have found to be very beneficial to me. Hey, I'm talking about you, yummy. Oh, a triplet. Oh, that's my favorite. Hey, I'm talking about you, yummy. Triplet's the best. Hey, so let's recap.

I mean, we've been gone for so long. Our journey began. This is what I've been listening to for the last three or four days, guys. The horking, the coughing. So our journey began in Fert Lauderdale, the semen hole, hard cock and cum sea. Well, the journey began. Did we do one even after Asia? I don't remember.

I think we did, right? Yes. Yeah. Remember, we talked about multiple dumps that you took and how that came out. It was very important. And then so we did Fert Lauderdale. That was really, really fun. Thank you so much to the mommies who came out and supported the show.

It was a huge success. It was very fun. My favorite part was going out to the audience and saying, hi, I'm so happy to be at the hard cock semen hole cum sea. And the people in Fert Lauderdale and the people who didn't know our show were like, what the fuck is wrong with this person? That was my most favorite part. I want to apologize to anybody and everybody. It seemed like everybody waited in that line and there was this show after ours and some of the people were rushed. And I actually, I really felt terribly for people that felt rushed saying hello and getting pictures.

Yeah, that is a bum. It really bummed me out, man, because then I get anxious about it and it turns out that it was just people who have nothing to do with the club. But they were like, can you wrap this up? And I was like, what the fuck, man? You know what? It was the lunatics that were coming into the next show, just patrons who were being jerks. Yeah, that's because there was a show after. I hate that shit, too.

I know. And it's like, we are so happy to be there, so happy. So fun. And like, so lucky, right? Just to have that great group of people that came out for that Thursday night show. It was just the most fun. It was the best. Dude, we had dinner at that Italian restaurant.

Oh, my God. It was so crazy. Where the guy has his ridiculous, enormous, like 30 foot by 30 foot headshot. Yeah, like bald, guido, covered in tats. Yeah. Like, so we go to this Italian restaurant because we land in Fort Lauderdale. We're like, let's have a nice meal, you know, celebrate us. We're about to be on vacation.

So we go to this place and think, well, it's Italian, you know, standard issue. I mean, I must have cost us a million dollars, which I don't even know how the bill got that high. They charge you, I ordered a piece of fish of Bronzino. It was the first time I ever ordered that shit. They charge us $50 for a fucking fish. No price, though. No price when they talk about it. Yeah.

I almost was like, oh, I wanted to throw it up on the table and throw it at them. And the best part of that restaurant, by the way, is like, there's, okay, there's a disco ball. There's two disco balls in the restaurant and then lights that spin around and then like 20 television screens. And then at round nine or 10 o'clock at night, they pump up the music super loud. It was insane. So like, how are you supposed to have like a date night here? What's going to happen? Is it going to turn into a disco?

It's the equivalent of a restaurant just going. I'm trying to eat right now. I was expecting a mechanical bowl to come up. Right, right. So weird. So weird for an Italian restaurant. If you guys live in Fort Lauderdale, you know what I'm talking about. It's in that Stephen Hall, come see no place.

Yeah. So ridiculous. Don't ever read there. That was ridiculous. We had another ridiculous meal there. And then two days later, yeah, we went to Miami. Yeah. For a day with Maria met up with us.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Seriously. Yes. Maria came and but remember she showed up. She flew in from, uh, from Michigan woke up at 3am that morning, right? To get on a 6am flight. She lands in Miami.

What does she do? Jogs. Jogs. And it's like sweltering hot. Oh, raining too. Rainy. Pouring rain. She runs.

She ran, got up at three and ran. I'm at six miles. She came and she's like, what's that? What have we done tonight? And she, uh, we told her, you know, we hung out with her. And, and then, um, Maria, uh, here's her. This is my favorite. Three beverages.

If it's the morning, the morning, the morning before noon, it is a single bag and tea with three and awake tea with three inches of steam soy and some three raw sugars. And then you've had a bit of respondents and vanilla powder. One bag. Okay. This afternoon summer that I do, eventy, decaf soy, sugar-free, caramel frappuccino light, both extra drizzle and easy wet. Must be the drizzle, not the zero.

I mean, whatever. She's out of her fucking mind. So we took her, we went to dinner. We had a great dinner that night. So great. We ate at the tongue, tongue in cheek. Tongue in the tongue. Tongue in the tongue.

Tongue in the tongue, I think. Cheek. Yeah. It's, you know, it's near Ocean Ave. We're all the crazy shit is in South Beach. Really good place. Yeah. The next morning, I'm still jet lagged from Asia.

I get up at like six, 15. Yeah. You've been waking up with a crack. Yeah. I text Maria. Are you up? Yep. She's not jet lagged from you.

Six in the morning. She's like, up. I said, you want to meet me for breakfast? Sure. Meet me at a cafe. She walks up full running gear and I was like, are you not going to have breakfast? And she was like, mm-mm. Do they have tea and soy milk?

I think so. Yeah. You have tea and something. Yeah. She drinks her tea, her soy milk and I go, I get breakfast and I go, are you not going to do this? I'm going to run. Okay.

And what did she do? Run seven and a half miles. And then, yeah, text me later like, all right, let's go out of the ship now. So crazy. Oh. Over the bridge. She's so nuts. Yeah.

Yeah. And then we went on the cruise. The best part, my favorite part, even getting before we got on the boat. Is we have, you know, we have, we're in a car and Maria's in the passenger seat. Tom and I are in the back and we're chilling, you know, we're excited. It's the afternoon. We're just, we're going to get on this boat. We're just relaxed and chill and she gets a FaceTime call from her son and husband.

And it's like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what to do right now. I know in a car. I don't know what to do. She just starts FaceTiming the driver. She leans on the console so he has to lean on her. She's like, this is my son.

Say hi. And then she's like, did you make a kaka? And he's like, yeah. She's like, say hi to everybody. Just lose their fucking mind. And I'm like, Maria, you give me anxiety. And she goes, why? Because of your presence.

The faculty are alive. Why? Why? Both of us. Okay. I was crazy. And then when we. Here we go.

Remember when we were in South Beach and we, you ordered a pina colada and I ordered it fucking. So I know it was a piss me off, man. It did do. And I ordered a mom Mosa. Yeah. And what they do on South Beach, you can't order a normal drink.

And they're like, they bring you like a gallon size of it. It's a novelty size. You know, like a ginormous. The fresh champagne. It's like, I can't really was like 50 ounces. Yeah. What the fuck?

And then they're like, isn't it awesome? They see your reaction. They go, I know it's awesome. Right? And you're like, no, this is horrible. By the time I finished this, 12 ounces. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And they're like, it's horrible. By the time I finished this, 12 ounces. Yeah. It's going to be all gross and sugary and it's champagne

and orange. It's disgusting. Nobody wants a big gulp of momo. You can't do it in one thing. You want a fresh one. You want a second one, like a fresh small amount. Yeah.

Yeah. And then the best is like, they'll have those, what is that? Like they give you like the ginormous daiquiri or whatever with like two crotas inside the dairy. All that shit. I love the beach down there,

but I hate that scene. Yeah. I love the beach. That's why we, you know, we stayed there because I'm a huge fan of the water. I love to swim in that ocean. But that scene is too crazy. And at night I was like,

I want to get in a fight. Remember I was like, we got to walk across the street. Cause I feel like I'm in, I'm fighting somebody. Not that I'm a fighter, but I just feel like there's so much aggro, male hunting testosterone on this trip.

Yeah. The dudes are all out. That is 100%, 100% where the dudes are. Where the dudes are. Dudes are everywhere there. Where are the dudes at? And it's a lot. My favorite,

all you hear is do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Oh, it's just my heaven. My slice of heaven. I love it. I just loved it. You really do. I love it. I love South Beach.

Those are your people. South Beach is LA on steroids. It's gross. It's dirty and disgusting. It really, it's just the fucking, it's not even white trash. It's like just crazy trash. All kinds of trash.

I just, I love it. I love it. I love, I love people watching. Now people watching is, it's one of the best places in America for people watching. For sure. If you ever go down to South Beach, fucking bring an umbrella and grab a seat and watch.

It's fantastic. Yeah. It's, um, you were talking about it. It's kind of like, it's like Scarface. And they were, they have their Scarface murals and tributes everywhere. Cause it's like people come there from other countries and they want to be ballers and they all want to show off their like status, you know?

It is your heaven. It is a hundred percent. It's Euro trash. Recon heaven. You know, when you're Puerto Rican, you're just Puerto Rican. I love it. I loved it.

I want it. Um, so anyway, so we finally get on the boat. Fuck that process too, by the way. Yeah. We fucked that up pretty bad. Yeah. We waited in line. But anyways, we get on family cruise.

I think we're going to do, we're going to try to do a special family cruise episode. I got really good interviews. I haven't been able to check the audio yet because of everything that's happened. But if it's good, we'll do a special family cruise episode. Wow. Um, but it was, yeah,

there was a lot on that cruise, but to jump forward Friday nights, the last night you disembark Saturday morning, Friday night, I'm laying in bed and I felt like a weird just tickling my throat and I was like, Oh, it's fucking here. It was that guy made it through the whole week. It was a sensitive healer.

I know he was, he was breathing in my ear and I made it through the whole week. And I was thinking about it cause they signs are everywhere. Wash your hands constantly. Don't shake hands cause you know, you're a floating Petri dish. It's disgusting. But Saturday morning we get off and I was like, I'm sick.

Like I'm getting a cold at a minimum. You got sick. I had cramps. We were a mess. But my sickness progressed. And when I flew back after a couple of days, I was like, I definitely need to go to the doctor. And I went yesterday and he was like,

you have asthmatic bronchitis and you need, you know, antibiotic. You need a cough suppressant. You need this inhaler. You need this steroid that you need. Oh, tell them about the steroid. That's a fun part. Well, it's just like boosts your energy level.

No, the thing that you spray in your mouth. That's not a steroid. Oh, I thought that. That's the inhaler. Tell them the neat part about your need inhaler. My doctor just gives it to me. He's like, read the instructions. Dr. Dick, read the instructions.

And I was like, thank you. The pharmacist is like, have you taken this before? And I go, no. He goes, so you're going to want to make sure. He's like, there's no air that comes out of this. And I was like, what kind of inhaler is that? And he goes, it's a powder. So a powder goes in and like expands your capillaries.

And he goes, but 10 minutes after you do that, you need to rinse your mouth out. And I go, why? And he goes, well, you'll get a yeast infection in your mouth if you don't. And I go, cool. And he goes, and then we'll have to treat that yeast infection, won't we?

I said, yeah, I guess so, man. So that's what old people get, thrush. Yeah. And he said, you could get it in your anus. If I licked your anus with my. He didn't say that. I said, well, I perform anilingus a lot. I mean, well, my wife's asshole get yeast infection.

He goes, oh, it's very possible. I bet you can get one on your bum, bum home. I would love for you to get one. Wait, but let's not, let's not skirt over what happened on the cruise. First of all, there were a lot of water slides. Yeah. On the screws.

And that was massive fun. I prefer the mellow kitty slides. But Tom peer pressured me into doing the fucking crazy one where you do a dead drop and then it slingshots you out and then water squirts up your cooch when you land. Yeah. It's really neat. I mean, on there, do you feel like you're having a blast

on the cruise? I had so much fun. Yeah. Do you feel blessed? I'm too blessed to be stressed. God blesses a nigga. Okay. God is real.

God blesses a nigga. God blesses a nigga. Hey, I'm somebody from yummy. I would say the highlight of my vacation with the sagoras was day one, about hour three into the cruise. We went into your father's cabin and he will, we obviously woke him up from a nap and he answers the door in his paper thin boxers.

Only. And they are old. Those are 25 years old. Old. 25 years old. Barely hanging on. Barely hanging on. He loves him.

He feels like. God blesses a nigga. Okay. That's what you were working on. I knew it. You sneaky little shit. That's what you were working on. Yep.

So. You horrible man. Terrible, horrible man. So funny. You're the worst. It's so funny. You're a bad man. So they're paper thin.

He hugs. I give him a hug and a kiss and then I go, here's my wife, hug her shirtless in your boxers. He gives you a big bear hug shirtless. So you get to hug my father shirtless in his boxers. Love him. Hey, I got you. And then he was really excited.

Yeah. Cute. And then he lays on the bed. And what happened when he lays on the bed? So he's laying on the bed like his feet are facing us. Right. He's on his back and Tom and I are sitting at the end of his bed like in two chairs.

So top dog is on top of his blankets and nothing but paper thin boxers. We're just chit chatting about this, that dinner we're going to have for dinner. And he crosses his legs. And. And I saw top dogs, big old goat nuts. Mine are big.

I can't speak for that, but I saw his big soggy slug. He has like pig balls. Yeah. Did you, did you ask for a closer peak? I did. I was all, when we went to the bathroom, I was like, hey, top dog. Big balls.

He is. Huge nuts. I kept, like I tried to be kind of joking. Hey, your balls are out. And he was like, yeah. So he kept talking. And I was like, could you cover that up? He was Tommy.

In front of my wife. And he's like, she doesn't mind. He's like, totally dismissed it. Totally dismissed it. And I also had to avert my eyes. Like it just got to the point where I was like, yep. And I was looking right in his eyes, trying not to look down because he kept moving his legs and like lifting.

I feel like he was moving them every few seconds. I was like, dude, will you fucking cover your balls? And he's like, your mother always gives me a hard time about that. Yeah. Balls are out. He was so nonchalant. Unbelievable.

So, so that was a highlight. And then also Tom and I decided, you know, on every cruise ship, they have a photographer that comes around and basically comes up to you in your drunkest moments when you're at dinner. Like the end, it's always at the end of dinner. Or if you're deep in conversation, they're like, hey, you guys, um, and you're like, I'm really into something

right now. Like I don't talk to you about something. It's like a picture. Yeah. It's always like you're in the middle of a fight with somebody. You're just, you're drunk. You don't have any makeup on. And the photographer comes around.

So Tom and I decide that we're going to take really, really awful cruise photos. Really depressed looking. Like every time they came around, we saw like some dumb magic show and we gave them like the saddest expressions. And then they're like, maybe one smiling. Maybe you want to take one smiling or like, mm-mm. So we'll be posting those on the site.

You can see our awful vacation photos. You'll enjoy it. It's super funny. All you niggas is blessed. Okay. All right. You know what? You know what?

It's going to be payback. You're a horrible man. I love you. Nice job. Yeah, I do. God is real. God is real. God blesses a nigga.

You know what? I hope Tom. What? I hope Tom. I hope Tom. I hope Tom. I hope Tom. I hope Tom.

I hope Tom. I hope Tom. I hope Tom. I hope Tom. I hope Tom. What? I hope that your... I hope that your balls grow bigger than your dad's.

I don't. I fucking don't. I hope you double in size. Oh, for fuck's sake, and the nose blow. Yeah. You are strong. You are powerful. Well, he's my affirmation.

He's doing his whiskers. Wow. That is so fucking weird. He's such a weirdo. Yeah, I don't like it. I like crap some more. In my episodes, often, and the very first time that I saw Rotso, I happened to think to bring him in, and from that moment forward, he hasn't had another one.

I actually had no more pain. I've been dealing with so much pain in my right foot because of my injury to my right foot. I had this terrible toothache. God, I hate to be here, but maybe he'll, you know, never know. Maybe he'll heal it. And I was just... Oh, God. I was starting to hurt.

I said, oh, Jesus. Take me, Jesus. Take me, Jesus. That type of thing. And all of a sudden, it just poof. And it just kind of disappeared. And I was like, oh, it's gone. All of a sudden, I felt better on my spine.

And I'm all of a sudden, oh, I can move my hips around and stuff. My back usually really hurts, and it hasn't. You realize that they're all saying, they cut up so just stares and jizzes, and they feel better for all this stuff? Yeah. This is literally a charlatan who just stares out into the abyss, and then people pay to see that. And I'm like, I'm healed.

This is bizarro. What else happened? It's super bizarre. So Tom and I, on this weekly, on our vacation, we decide, you know what? We're married, and we're Catholic, and why not spice up our marital, you know, marital relations life? So we decided to order an adult feature in our room, in our cabin. And much toward dismay, we're like watching it, and nothing's really happening.

No. No. And it's about, I don't know, I would say like maybe a couple minutes in, but then we start, we fast forward a little bit, and then it becomes painfully obvious that we have been duped, and we have paid for it. It was all porn titles. It was under adult, and it was like titty patrol, big tit domination. No tan lines allowed, which is the one we purchased.

Right? Well, that's kind of fun. It's on theme. And it had porn stars. It was like, here's the porn stars in it. We ordered it, and it was like Cinemax style. So lame, dude. The worst.

Yeah, like leg up so you don't see. Stupid. No penetration, no general shots. The worst. What's the point? What's the point? It's so lame and boring. So that's not what we wanted.

What did we want? We wanted hard core. Hard fucking core. So I called guest services, and what did I tell them right in front of you? You tell them what you told them. I said, yeah, I think there's been a mistake in the movie that I ordered, and he's like a mistake. They're all Filipino.

And he's like, hmm, let me stay. And I go, yeah, I ordered an adult film, and I'm watching it right now. And there's nothing like it's, there's no general shots. There's no penetration. I wanted hard core, hardcore porn. Hard fucking core. Yeah, man. And he goes, hmm, he goes, no, our films are erotic.

And I go, well, I feel misled. I just paid like 18.99, and I wanted to see some good old fashioned fucking. Yeah. And he was like, oh, and I go, well, look, I'm not a cheapskate. Like you can see that I'm paying for all the things that I'm using on the ship, but I don't think I should pay for this because I don't want to watch this. I don't want to watch erotic films. I want to watch, you know, dirty slappings.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, suck that cock. Oh, fuck me. That's what I want to watch. Well, we're married. That's what married people do. Yeah. So show me the good stuff, man.

Oh, gobble it up, baby. So that's what I wanted. And I got like, oh, the deliveries aren't here yet. And then they worked on the deliveries for 15 fucking minutes in that movie. They were talking about invoicing and tape. Oh, he talked to Teddy's in the county. He's like, well, he's at lunch. When does he get back?

Well, we can write him a mess. I mean, they were doing all this fucking office work. Backstory. So boring. Beyond boring. Then the worst is like 20 minutes of Frenching. Like, I want to watch this. Who likes soft core?

Listen, if you like soft core pornography, write it and tell us what it is that you like about it. Like, dude, why are they making this shit? It's the worst. Don't write us. Fuck you. It's absolutely the worst. What?

Like seventh graders? It's for like, I guess it's like when there's nothing else, like, you know, for that poor man that can't watch porn. Oh, yeah. He can go down the living room and like sneak one of these in and jerk one off. Yes. But, but that's, yeah, that was the fucking worst. So anyways, he puts me on hold and he goes, I talked to my manager, my supervisor.

He said, okay, you get your refund. And I go, are any of these hardcore? Cause I'm looking for it. And he goes, no, they're all erotic. Erotic beams. Erotic beams. And I go, that's disappointing. And he goes, hmm.

And then we just, and then he came over and just stared at him. Remember in DR, we went to Punta Cana a couple years back and they just had like free hardcore pornography 24 seven. Channel that just had like three 36. All right. Oh, I should have been 69. Oh, I'm going to come up in the face for all the motherfucking niggas in the Wu-Tang clan. I'm speaking of pornography.

And this might be a nice time to segue into it. If you haven't heard my, my spin off podcast of your mom's house called that's deep bro. This last episode, I have a mystery guest on somebody who edited porn for five years, but no longer does and has like a normal life and a family and kids. It's a fascinating interview. It's so interesting. And we, we managed to whittle philosophy into pornography. What?

It's on his mask. Okay. It's on his mask. Um, it's called that's deep bro. It's on iTunes and Stitcher and the RSS. And you did me a favor and I listened to it and you asked me about smells. I did ask him about smells. Yes.

He told a horrifying story. Yeah. It's pretty amazing. It's so disgusting. You know, I had, um, on this cruise, I had an Italian masseuse and I farted right before she came in to massage me. And you know what the thought I had in my head was? What?

It's only smells. And she's Italian. You've been stinky. No, no, no, no, no. Let's back up. You let, you let a fart on the cruise. I seriously thought you shit in the bed. You did.

I remember that. You got really upset. Well, and there's no matches because we're on a cruise. You were really upset. That was so gross, man. Yeah. Why do you hate me so much? That was really fun.

But remember in DR when we had that hardcore porn channel and then we were like talking all those dad boners. And we were like, like all these like just like 50 year old, you know, like khaki dads. And we're like, do you get the porno channel? And they're like, oh, I can see it scrambled. I get it. Yeah. We're like an hour.

Come to our room, man. Hard core. Hard fucking core. Yeah. But that was fun. It was a blast, man. It was a really good time. Yeah.

It's nice to do that. Actually, you know what? I would keep thinking about this. I still think we did too much on the ship. I know, bro. I feel like we should have done less. Fuck. Well, because here's what we did.

We woke up in the morning, drank our coffee, took dumps, and then we made fitness so that we didn't come back weighing a thousand pounds. But I feel it feels like too much, right? We shouldn't have done that. It does. I felt like we did too much. And then we would go like, well, now we got to get our stuff and then get up to the thing. And then a certain, oh, we got to go back.

I felt like it was just too much moving around. That's why I like, it's too big of a ship. I like to go somewhere and just chill. Plop it down. I still feel very blessed though. God blesses a nigga. I still feel blessed. Man, that's no, it's a rough one that you're playing.

It's hard to hear. I'm not going to lie. I'm not sure I'm enjoying that drop. It's a lot. Hey, I'm talking like some yummy. Okay. All right. Jesus Christ.

Babe. Huh? What have I always been a big advocate of for football games is I've always said, the game would be so much better if there was an on-field mic. Yeah. And we could hear shit going on on the field. This was picked up Sunday. NFL.

That's awesome. Who said that? Do we know? I don't know. The player was like, that's a bad one. Field mic was on. It was televised. Everybody watching that game got to hear that.

It's a bad motherfucker right there. Which is what you want to hear. It's all you want to hear. Yeah. All you want to hear. You just want to hear it play. It's all you want to hear. It's all you want to hear.

It's all you want to hear. It's all you want to hear. It's all you want to hear. All you want to hear. You just want to hear it play. It's saying the real feelings. I'd watch. Yeah.

So tell us about Dr. Dick. You said that you told him finally that you have a bit about him. Yeah. I mean, for those of you that I mean, I'm sure a lot of people don't know. You know, I put out a special and one of the tracks on the special is called Dr. Dick. And it's about my doctor who I visited who was like a real smart ass shit talking motherfucker. Yeah. He's our family.

Yeah. He's our family doctor who I referred you to. I was going to him for a while. Yes. And then I recently saw him for pink eye and he's like, oh, you got shit in your eye. I mean, doing that. And like, he's just, he's really off color. Smart.

I mean, I think I have it. And I'm going to be completely honest with you. I went to the doctor and I was like, all right, I'm just going to get a check up. See what's going on. The honest truth is I knew it wasn't going to be awesome. Okay. I knew the doctor wasn't going to be like, you might be surprised to hear this, but you're perfect.

Like you're a perfect physical specimen. I go into the details of real conversations with this guy. Yeah. I mean, you know, there's, there's points that you highlight, but the truth is this dude is really dry. So funny. It's so fucking funny and really makes us laugh. So I did this bit and then I realized that like, oh, I haven't been to him in a while.

I'm going for this chest problem and I just grab a copy of the DVD and I go, I'm going to give it to him and tell him that I talk about him on it. Cause it's been years that we've been talking about him and drinking about him. And we talk about him personally, like in our private life all the time. He's like a perfectionist too. And we, you know, so, and he's just, he shits on his staff constantly. Like the last time I went in for pink guy, every time I come in, he's chastising the nurses.

Cause he's on top. He's on his game. He's like, who's in the bathroom right now? Okay. And he, he's just, oh, oh, oh, and he did the very first time he met me. He goes, well, Tom's got a wife. Looks like I can take the faggot sticker off of his file. Like it was so funny.

So funny. So fucking funny. We're like, you're the best. And he's the kind of guy who, um, he really does know a lot. And if like you say something wrong, he'd be like, you have no idea what you're talking about. Like straight up, you don't know what you're saying. And he prescribes the best shit too.

Yeah. He gets it done. So I go, he does my checkup and he's like, you know, yeah, he's like, oh, he looked at my chart. He goes, no, uh, Trader Joe shrimp reps for you lately. And I was like, holy shit. I got sick off of that. Yeah.

Now he goes, God, you haven't been here in a while. I was the wife. Really good. And they go, yeah, gets through, tells me all my stuff and I go, oh, I wanted to give you this. This is my special. And I go, and then I talk about you on it and he goes, what? And I go, yeah, it's like 10 minutes on you.

He goes, what do you mean? I go, I just talk about you and he flips it over and he reads that and he goes, am I Dr. Dick? No one's ever called me that before. I go, so you think and he goes, oh, am I going to be horrified? And I go, no, man, you're not going to be horrified. Like it's flattering. I talk about you to a whole audience of people and he's like, then he's walking

around telling, he's like, Hey, look at this. This is his comedy thing. Talks about me on this. Calls me Dr. Dick and then there's just like ear to ear smiles. Like, yeah, he shits on them regularly. I go, it's everything you ever wanted to say about him. And they're like smiling and nodding. And then he called me this morning.

He was like, he calls us at eight 45 this morning, by the way, are you feeling? And it was like, let's get that out of the way. Now let's talk about the, yeah, he's like, it was a very funny couple of things that weren't accurate. I never would have, they never would. He said that his nurse never would have known something. My nurse never would have known about muscle enzymes. So they go, okay.

Yeah. And I go, you know, yeah, we throw a little salt and pepper on these things. And he was like, yeah, it was completely inaccurate. She never would have known that, but it was very funny. I said it to my parents. They said, do you talk to your patients this way? And he goes, I have to tell you, it was very accurate. I go, yeah, I know.

And he goes, yeah, it's all these things are exactly that's very in line with my character. He is hilarious. Such, yeah, he, because I've been to pink, I have had pink eye twice with him. And so he talked about that. And then he called the ophthalmologist guy to go see that guy to give me a steroid for my getting so bad. And he's like, yeah, she's a real slut. Like he was telling the ophthalmologist that I was like porn star and stuff.

I'm like, you are so crazy. Well, didn't he tell another, he gave a doctor referral to like a friend. It was moving practices to a hospital. And he was like, yeah, she smokes crack. She's a crack head and the nerd, his friend, who's a doctor was like, did you tell them I'm a crack head? And this is not like some fucking hole in the wall strip mall doctor. This is like top tier, man.

He is really the best of the best. He's the best. Yeah. We just can't plug in when I want to ruin his life either. So, uh, he's a little, little Bateman. Yeah. So funny, man. He is so funny.

Patrick Bateman. Yeah. So that's pretty cool cause that came full circle for you. Yeah. I'm so glad that I, you know, I actually had forgotten totally about that. But then the fact that, um, that that came about, that I could say something, like, you know, talk to him about it and show it to him and that he liked it. That was really cool.

You know what came in, uh, cousin Brie Brie sent this, um, and then it came in from a couple of other people as a new rap song. Oh, okay. You want to hear it? I'd love to. It's a karate rap. Relax and breathe. More relaxing.

Keep training. You'll get it. Knees, song, she, come on, everybody. Karate. I like it. It's neat. So she come on. Everybody trained karate.

I don't mean to brag. I don't mean to boast, but I've trained karate from coast to coast. Train your body. I've done the kung fu, the show, and I even did a little jiu-jitsu. This song is bad. I thought it was going to be a bad song. I like it. Um, it's, uh, I don't want to say that I don't want to be too bold, but I

feel as though it's going to be a city connection for me. You really think so? I think so. I really like it. I want to learn the words. I want to hear it again. Yeah. I want to, I want to learn how to say the thing.

Train your body. Train your body. Yeah. Karate train your body karate train your body. Come on. Everybody trained karate. I like it. All right.

This is good. Yeah. I walk the streets. I have no fear. I always know my karate is near. I never have to fight. And I'll tell you why no one wants to fight with a samurai. I'm a samurai and that's better.

Yeah. I got the kicks, got the punches, the intuitive punches. I just want to mention to release the tension karate train your body. Wow. Hey, hey, hey, karate train Brian thinks we would have written this song in our past. We did Taekwondo and we were like seven, eight years old. You did this would have been our most favorite song for sure.

I train for fun. I'm a show gun. This is so right. Train your body. You're into it already. I got it. I train in my car. Okay.

I'm a ninja. I'm a what? Let's say something else. Oh my God. I'm a ninja. Big words. By the way, guys, if you heard the last classic we drop. That was the origin of big words and fucking camp and all the Tourette stuff.

That was amazing. Fucking camp. We haven't, we haven't visited that since we dropped it way back when and you and I were listening to, I was laughing so hard. Shit, man. That really made me laugh. That's the funniest fucking thing. That's the most like full of like ourselves that I felt.

I was laugh. I've never laughed that hard at like shit that we've done. That was so funny to me. It was super great. I like how you're all in the episode for it. You're like, she says this so much and voluntarily and then it's like, she finally really gets to say it for real and she really puts her heart into it. Put some muscle into it.

She does. I mean, she says it like she wants you to know that she fucking set like fucking camp. She says that so hard. And then I say these swears. I love the way she said, and then I say these swears. Yeah. And then I was saying swears.

Yeah. Well, if you don't know what, what that is from, it's from a Tourette's documentary that we covered an episode 43 way back when you were right. That's our fourth episode on our own. Yeah. I think third 43, right? Well, 40, 41, 42. Oh, sorry.

Yeah. That's so fucking crazy. Yeah. Yeah. I'm surprised we found that that's like soon in the game. I didn't think that we had that in our pockets. God, Tourette's stuff. So funny.

I know. We got emails from Tourette's people. It was, yeah, it's horrible to make fun of, obviously, but, you know, you try to detach from the actual condition and just laugh at the words, right? Yeah. We're not making fun of, like, you fucking relax, you know, a fucking camp. Fucking camp. Fucking camp.

Tupper dice, his pubes, ginger. Say he's fucking swears. He trained your body. Hey. That's catchy. I don't care what you say. Train your body. I like the chorus.

I remember another thing that came in besides this awesome karate song is, um, the, uh, you remember this girl, we played this clip a while for a while. Dick, I'll make you slap somebody in the face. She really knows her dick stuff. Because if you really want to earn your man, you need to learn your man. And a lot of times we get caught up with the wrong man or caught up in a man's penis power because it's good. I mean, if a man has been around and he's a whole, especially like the ones I'm

talking about that happen from here and there, they have a lot of practice and they know a woman's body, they know the power of their penis and they know how to soothe her body and to soothe her vagina. So it's really easy to be caught up with that doll kind of man. Like that one girl asked me why she thought something was wrong with her because she liked the flashy guys with the jewelry. I said, there's nothing wrong with liking a flashy man. You just have to know what type of spirit and energy he's carrying because

there are some good men, all of they still like to flash. They're not whores. They don't give their penis to everybody. You have to be able to recognize them because the man that is living to ejaculate, he's in a predator mode. She's right about that. She didn't take a breath. That's true.

She didn't take a single breath. That's right. I feel she should have thrown a little extra in there. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm talking about? You feel me? You know what I mean? That's my new favorite.

The triplet? Yeah. That's never going to be taught. That's the triple crown. It's never going to be taught. No, I'm saying. You know what I'm talking about? You feel me?

You know what I mean? Shit. All three? Come on, man. It's ridiculous. Yeah. That dude's amazing. Dude is amazing.

She's right about that. And when a man is in a predator mode, he's going to look for the weaknesses of a woman, a woman that's, that's lonely. Her vagina is cold. She's laying in bed at night playing with her toys, or she's got a man beside her. He's a good provider, but he's not hitting the walls

and working the middle like that dog that she having that snakey sex with. Jesus Christ. Like that dog. She having a snakey sex with. Wow. Jesus Christ. Drives a woman to toys.

Because like I said, she needs the vagina penetration. A lot of women are hooked on having clitoral stimulation. You have an outer orgasm with the clitoris, but also you have inner orgasms inside the intra vagina, inside the vagina walls, hidden G spots. And every woman's G spot may be similar, or some women may have more than one G spot.

She's got knowledge. She's definitely got knowledge, and you'll never forget. Dick, I'll make you slap somebody in the face. That's fucking spitting the truth right there, dog. That is savage shit, huh? Yeah. How do people have so much time to think about their vaginas and their ejaculate?

I mean, I feel like I buy, who's got the time to worry about ejaculating? And, and, and that's just, I don't know, man. You don't have time for that? Nobody got time for that. Nobody got time for that. Well, I mean, I got time for it. You know, obviously I'm married to you, but I just

feel like it's not, it's not like top priority. No, it's putting stuff in there. You know? Ain't nobody got time for that. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

You don't feel, you know what I mean? You don't feel, you don't feel the top bag. You don't feel the top bag. You know what I'm saying? You don't feel the top bag. How much time do you think people should put into their vaginas and their ejaculate? I don't, I don't know.

I can't prescribe it for everybody. I just know that I'm like, you know what I'm saying? You feel me? How much do you think about? Well, you're a guy. You're different. Yeah. Supposedly guys think about it, you know, every two seconds.

It is a lot. It is a lot. Ejaculate, ejaculate. Does it really burden you? Does it burden your mind? Sometimes, yeah. I gotta go. You know, it's never like, oh, I'm doing something and

I can't get this off my mind. Where it will, it will is like middle of the night. You know, you wake up and then you have like, oh, I can't go back to sleep because you just have fucking consuming sex thoughts, that kind of thing. Yeah. I think that's common for guys. And then do you, so then you have to find somebody else to

have sex with. Like you have to run the streets like a bear and eat and then you find somebody. Sometimes I just fucking wake you up, you know. You're all crank one out or I'll try to go to sleep and I'll be like, I've been up for hours. Are you ready? You've done that to me.

I like good morning. I'm like, oh, what's happening? What's happening? What's going on here goes? Would you rather been a while been a while? This one comes from Ian. Hey, mommies. Hey, mommies.

I wanted to share a recent would you rather that my girlfriend and I recently had is causing quite the domestic disturbance. My girlfriend is not a great big fat person. Oh, wait, great big fat person, but she does have quite the set of gravity defying sloppers on her, which being the gentleman I am, I feel the need to constantly remind her of. Recently, she bought a Hogwarts t-shirt from the mildly successful Harry Potter series.

So when she wore it, I gave her the choice, either accept the new nickname, hog tits or tit warts. I like hog tits needless to say, she accepted neither, but I'm a stubborn asshole. So I hounded her about it. She reasoned with me and told me it was out of the question. So hog tits, it was until we were out in public and I yelled, hey, hog tits, do we need ketchup?

So you should have seen the reaction I got from the people standing in the aisle, as well as from my lovely milkmaid. So which would you prefer your loved ones to refer to you as and your next family get together? Hog tits or tit warts? Well, easy hog tits. And I think you call me something similar today. Remember, I was standing in the sink, in the kitchen sink, and

I just had my towel around my face and it looked like it looked like like a herd of water buffalo were coming to feed on those milkers. I mean, it looked like you could have fed the continent of Africa with those gargantuan, enormous, overwhelmingly humongous, big ole elephant tits. But you're saying it, you're saying that I'm feeding. So it sounds like they're real hanging and low.

I just meant they're just enormous. Yeah, well, you know, they're huge. Gain weight on this trip. What can I say? Man, those are some tits. Hog tits. What about you, tit warts? Tit warts, 100 percent.

Why 100 percent? It'd be so fun to call people tit warts. Hog tits. I like the sound of better hog tits. Tit warts sounds more offensive to me. Yeah, that's what hog tits is. It's funny. It's a good nickname.

The tit warts would upset people and make and and I think more people that aren't in on the conversation will be like, what the fuck? Yeah. And no one wants to be called tit warts or hog tits. No, there's not a ton of women out there. They're like, I love being called hog tits. Show me how those big tits fart isn't exactly my idea of a fantastic time.

Man, I can't wait for your goat nuts to drop. They got a while to go. They're not that hangy. They're not. You think they're not all balls are hanging. Nobody's balls are sometimes they're high and tight. High and tight. Very few.

I don't feel like I have big balls. Yeah, you do. They produce a lot. Yeah. You do have hanging balls. Yeah, of course. Dude, dude, there's nobody over like 35 with high and tights. I feel like balls just drop over time, right?

Yeah. Well, you're real old. They really hang like my dad's. Dude, imagine if he makes it to like 80, where they're going to be hanging. I can't do that hurt. It's going to hurt. I remember that guy, Mr. Belvedere, sat on those balls and he was not happy.

He was not happy. Belvedere themselves. He was like, this is bad. He didn't want to shoot that day. Yeah, you tell the story like you were there. Most part. Hi, Mommy T and Mommy C. Would you rather.

Every toilet seat you ever sit on again is covered with the Strangers P. Oh, I hate that. Or covered with the Strangers pubes. Fuck off. That's equally gross. You have to sit. It's pubes or piss. That's a good one, Alice.

Oh, excuse me, Mary, Alice and Penny, the dog really good work, guys. Yeah, man, man. If they're so gross, dude, I've done both, you know, yeah at the airport. Don't you fucking hate it when you sit down on someone else's piss? Oh, my God. It's the worst feeling or I do it a lot. I do it more than I care to something about pubes, though. I know shit.

They give her had a sandwich full of pubes. Yeah, it's never good, but you floss with your pubes. Yeah. Oh, so gross. I'm going to take the pubes just because of the wetness. I hate the wetness is just too much to deal with. Yeah, the pubes, you may not even feel that it's psychological. Yeah, but someone else's piss is just ungodly.

I feel like the piss is probably oddly more sanitary in a way. It kind of, yeah, you're not going to. Yeah, nothing's going to happen. It's just gross. But with the pubes, what you might get? Like people ice or something could be lice on it. There could be anything on it could be his shit stuck to it. You know, I was hoping it's a woman's pubes could be her shit.

Yeah, public toilets are the worst throw up. Thanks for that one. Yeah, thanks, Maria. That's really good. Would you rather have significant dental work from a dentist in a small town in Mexico who hasn't washed his hands and is not wearing latex gloves? Or eat a dead fly off the windowsill of the cantina you went to after the dental work. Definitely eat the fly.

Yeah, me too. Bad dental work that ruins your life. It's really hard. P.S. This is from Kord and he's bringing a group to see your show in Cincinnati. Oh, hi, Kord. I can't wait to meet you. Come say hi to me. Please identify yourself. I will meet people after.

Oh, good work, Tom. Real positive energy. No, here's one more. I love it. These are good. You guys are really evil. I like this is really disgusting. This is from Sean.

Would you rather wear for 24 hours rain boots full of diarrhea? Just the word diarrhea makes me giggle. Or a bucket hat soaked in homeless cum. Holy shit. And then he puts a fucking star and asterisk and says the diarrhea is mostly Bristol Schoolsdale six and seven with pieces of one and two for texture between the toes. You went really disgusting, man.

You went really gross. Here's my thinking on it. You don't want to have homeless cum on your head because it could go in your eyes and in your mouth. It could go into vital places. Yeah. Portals for bacteria, but dipping your toes in some shit. You know, who hasn't done that?

Who hasn't accidentally put on boots full of diarrhea? Who hasn't? That's what you're going with. Diarrhea boots. I'm talking diarrhea boots, baby. What are you going to do? I'm going to do the shit. It's a sonic youth song.

Diarrhea boots. I'm going to do the diarrhea boots. Man, that's a good one too, though, bro. You just don't want nothing near your mouth. Cum near your, like foreign cum near your mouth. That's, and it's, and it's the thing is anything around the head is that much grosser. You're right because, because it's on your feet, it's, you know, that extension.

It's, it's far away from your senses. Yeah. So it's gross. Yeah. But you're like, you're keeping, you're probably pulling your head back and you're closing your mouth and you're like, I've got to wear these. Yeah. But if it's on your head, it means it's dripping onto your face.

And your mouth, and your eyes, and your nose. Your eyes and your nose. Come all over. This fucking disc. Juice, juice. It's really gross. Homeless cum. You're horrible.

Um, you know, because lately I've been realizing that they're like, I touch things with my hands. Like I'm not as reluctant to touch grody things. Cause you're like, well, it's just your hand. Like it's not going to, it's not going to fly into your mouth. Yeah. Sean also sent me a clip of, um, pornography in this. Yeah.

Yeah. So you want to hear it? Let's hear it. Here it is. Where is it? We're not that kind of show. Yeah. Yeah.

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01:08:40,940 --> 01:08:40,940 01:08:40,940 --> 01:08:40,940 01:08:40,940 --> 01:08:40,940 01:08:40,940 --> 01:08:40,940 01:08:40,940 --> 01:08:40,940 01:08:40,940 --> 01:08:40,940 01:08:40,940 --> 01:08:40,940 01:08:40,940 --> 01:08:40,940

01:08:40,940 --> 01:08:40,940 01:08:40,940 --> 01:08:40,940 01:08:40,940 --> 01:08:40,940 01:08:40,940 --> 01:08:40,940 01:08:40,940 --> 01:08:40,940 01:08:40,940 --> 01:08:40,940 01:08:40,940 --> 01:08:40,940 01:08:41,740 --> 01:08:42,020 Shit.

She's like a Miami accent, right? Sounds like it. Yeah. I can't read. I thought that was them for a second. When you did that. Overall. All right.

Cops are fucking bald. Cops are all bald and shit. That's a fucking bald, man. Cops are all bald and shit. So far. They are. All right. Well, what's that clips from South Beach?

That is, um, I'll have to, there's a point in this clip I'm supposed to pull, but he didn't give me a time code, which I fucking love. Thanks, Sean. He just writes about three quarters of the way and great. Oh, Sean, I mean, it's like you're not in showbiz. Time code. Hello, production. All right.

Well, I need to rest again. Like, you know what? FIFO's, uh, trainer's coming. Okay. We got to catch up on a lot of other things. Apparently Peter Cain's been making a lot of videos and we haven't even seen them yet. Okay.

We got to watch those. Got a lot to do. Yeah. Um, got to go to Cincinnati tomorrow morning guys. Yep. I got to go to mom Lando. If you're hearing this now, I'm already in mom Lando.

I forgot that. This is a Friday show. I'm renting a car in Cincinnati. I'm so excited. It's going to change my world. You are renting. Oh, that's right. Dude, it's like, it's like 80 bucks for the whole fucking.

It's unheard of. How is it even possible, man? I know. So cheap. So crazy. It's cause it's in Kentucky. Really. Let's be honest.

Think of why that's why. Yeah, dude. Man, I'm trying to find this song. I just feel like hearing it. I haven't heard it in a while. Which one? I don't know where it is. What's this one?

I don't know what this is. Part of enjoying life is to make the most out of everything that you do. You see lions out in the Serengeti when they stake out their territory. You know, what they're sent is what I do. Anytime I start blowing farts, you know, 30 minutes later, I'll be dropping one in. Did you just fart? Did you just fart in your hand? This was a real squirter.

Drop my load. Just chill and take a dump. He's the Oprah of shitting. Absolutely. Kind of the Dr. Oz of the radio network. You know, the wipes people use to clean like their countertops. Industrial strength. Always use the handicapped stone.

It's hard to hold your cheeks together when you're walking downstairs. The cheeks don't stay closed on the butt. The toilet seat covers worked great. It did the job. You gave me great advice on how to wipe. If you wipe too hard, like I used to do. You need to wipe down, wipe down, wipe down.