Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 259-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 10, 2014

This episode is for Vegan's only!! Carnists are not allowed to listen. SORRY!  Now that it's only us, picture Tommy kissing your thighs. Feel better? GOOOOOOD. Why do people over 50 refuse to drink water? Water is in us and everywhere around us. Maybe they are just wiser and know that nothing satisfies your bodies cravings for hydration and nutrients like Diet Coke. It tastes good and it's good for you. Especially post-workout.  Do you remember your father's funeral? How many orgasms did you have staring at his corpse? We found someone that may have been more aroused than you and it's ALL TIME CLASSIC MOM mode already. Get ready to cry from joy and from your relentless orgasms on this one!

you wanna let me have that song in my head now for days so good so good the next American Idol cousin Jeanette singing let me poop we're gonna see cousin Jeanette I know how this weekend yeah I can't wait her birthday was the seventh though oh shoot I told her I knew it was you know when you know that somebody's birthday is one of four months yeah like I called her yesterday I go I know it's either October March June or August yeah and she goes yeah it was yesterday shit all right so I wasn't wrong now you're in the ballpark I didn't I didn't even know thanks for telling me by the way it's Jeanette

doesn't matter it's true um where are we well it's Friday and we're getting back from man friend disco so man we had a good time last night man friend disco always a good time thanks to all the dirty little genes that came out and I just I'd love that I love that city it's fun to go up there I want to come and everybody's beard there is that what you said I will say it I will say it check it out peep this Jesus I will be in Minneapolis October 21st through 25th at one of my favorite plus down what you mean October 21st October 22nd October 23rd October 24th and October 25th it's a long week it's a really long week it's

always long Jesus Christ a month you're there I'm there for one month doing my tutorial five shows a night guys no but it's that ACME so please come see me at ACME Minneapolis beginning October 21st through the 25th it's really soon please come out and then November Jean's and I are going to Seattle the Highline Analog Cafe in Portland the 7th of November and November 8th the big show in Chicago at the empty bottle we've never done the podcast in Chicago or Portland but we're really excited to do it and then yours truly I have a little mini tour coming up that I'm really excited about and I hope you'll

come and see me I will be in New Orleans Houston Dallas and Oklahoma City beginning November 14th and it's just all on my own cool venues house of blues in New Orleans I'm doing the warehouse Houston hyenas Dallas and performing arts center in Oklahoma City so I hope you guys come and see me bring your friends let's make it a fun little tour and that's in November Jean's you mean mom Vember mom Vember anything else yeah Jean's I'm looking okay oh yeah November 20th through 23rd I'm gonna be in Toledo at the Toledo funny funny bone that's great yeah are we looking at December we look at my calendar

jeans look at December December right there I'm there the red I made this handy-dandy what's it called dry erase board yeah you're in here in fartford no December 10th there we go December 10th December 11th December 12th December 13th yeah I'm in Fartford Fartford Connecticut and I know it's it's a ways off but if you're thinking about your New Year's Eve plans and you live in Austin Tejas come see your jeans we're both doing cap city comedy club for New Year yeah okay we say it right now that we get we always get these people who are like what's up with this New Year's Eve's ticket charges 75 bucks

like that we said yeah we don't look at all the comedy clubs in the country for New Year's Eve it's it's that's the big day night for those clubs so yeah they set those prices they don't give it to us believe no they're gonna charge what they're charging you for is like giving you an event and you get like a whistle and a hat and champagne I'm sure it's a really nice champagne at every comedy club yeah and they're like 80 bucks and some extra chicken strips in your bucket that's what yeah so please don't notify me about the price people like we're angry like can't change charging

a hundred bucks to see you yeah it's not it's we don't set those those are independent clubs you know they're all what might as well say I skipped over it but December 4th or 7th I'm in Phoenix Fartnix and you say you're gonna come hang out with me yeah man I'm gonna come and we'll mommy down mommy down productions at house is gonna join me from Philadelphia I'll bring the dog to bring people all right I'll say about it sounds good um hey guys so we know you shop on Amazon and we know that you've been using your mom's house podcast dot com the banner on our home page and I know and I know people are like I can't

I can't see the Google Chrome the ad bugger all right we've heard you we're making a revision it's going to be a different type of link so if you've gone there before and gotten frustrated I'm sorry I'm sorry just go back and try it now I'm pretty sure it'll work and thank you for your continued support of our show you can buy all kinds of stuff on mama's on Tom I buy dog food there you know that yeah we got it shipped to the house cools I buy his cigarettes on mama's on absolutely wow I buy his Hennessy switchblade knives that he uses to collect he has a lot of knives I think we should maybe think

about setting a limit on how many knives our dog can have yeah those brass knuckles I'm like how do you even use these you don't have a real hand he has no opposable thumbs he's just like I got it I'm like all right yeah ridiculous we that's what you get when you adopt sometimes yeah don't really know what you're getting not our bio kid so thanks for for shopping at mama's on for us it really does help jeans up all the way jeans all the way the way ready go jeans here we go now warning this video is not for children you must be at least 18 years old to watch this video and you must also be a vegan

carnists are not allowed to watch this video press stop right now if you want to rape torture and murder my friends then you do not get to watch this video it is a special treat just for vegans thank you I Yeah, you played a kind of low-key like jazz today. Yeah, it's early. This is yeah, we're recording this before we go to SF Yeah, you can't have but what's it called scatting? Oh Well, I mean I turned that video off because he said It's a treat only for vegans. You got to turn it off. You have to follow the directions guys

I like somebody dictating who can watch their video. It's very childish, too And he means it. He means it. He's like if you eat me if you're a karnist if you rape animals Who rapes them? Mmm. There's a few people remember that Documentary animal passions. Yeah, those people fuck animals, but don't they also get fucked by animals? That's true Who's doing the raping now? It's the circle of life. I forget Yeah, he's it's he's very he's very vigilant that have you ever been only vegans can watch Have you ever been attracted to an animal so many?

Really you guys have seen dog dick afternoon That's a hit. That's a horrifying. I can't believe HBO bought that But they're always pushing the envelope Always pushes the envelope. Where were we we were hanging out. We came home on Monday We're at the beach for a minute. Oh, yeah, you were like, oh dog dick afternoon. Let's do it. Can we saw those dogs, right? And I wanted to I wanted to put you in the in the pickup truck in the back of it Pick up truck and lay in the bed and have all the dogs around you. That's so sad To have to jerk all those dogs off. Babe. It's a horrifying

There's nothing more horrifying to me than that Yeah, I don't really like that. Are you sure? Are you thirsty? Are you Carnests cannot want it's for vegans only that dude doesn't know how good steak tastes. I know it's really delicious Do you yeah, it's got to be tough. I get a star law To be it's hard to be a vegan. I think dude. That's like nothing. That's no dairy Nothing from an animal ever no egg. No cheese. It's really really

Stringent it is shit man. My cousin Julie was a vegan. She she lasted for like years like eight years And then one day I got a text and she's like I'm eating pizza, bro. I broke down. It's got bacon on it It's delicious went for it. Huh? She just you know when she had enough. Yeah I was expecting though if somebody does that that they would physically change so much, but she looks the same, right? No, she was way skinnier. Oh, she was yeah when you're not eating like dairy or meats. How much skinnier though? Because she doesn't look big No, she was she was thinner. I think it's I mean I'm talking about like From where she is now 10 15 pounds. Yeah, well her weight goes up and down naturally anyways

I'd say all right. Well, thanks for the no answer. That's a really good Well, I can't quantify because I don't know but I mean how how much different does she look to you now? Right now. She's really think she just finished like a dieting cycle. So she's maybe like 120 ish 130, I don't know. Okay, but she was never at 95, right? Never that that and that's like it wasn't like it's not super dramatic like She was eating vegan. I'm sure it was good for you. Yeah, but now she eats. She still takes care of herself I'm saying so it's not like she's always taking care of herself Yeah, so the the difference isn't dramatic. Yeah, well, some people do take it way cray-cray and they they look really sick

Mm-hmm great now. I'm gonna get all fucking emails from the vegans. Well, I mean Maybe they're not sick because they're vegan. They're just not getting their nutrients and But that's what they say that the vegans are they could they are convinced that they can get the same nutrients from just plant-based sources That's the argument. They're like, you don't need to eat me. You can get that all from soy I know that I look great and I feel great and You know, I'm a carnist. I'm a carnit. Yeah The problem is I like the flavors they put on the meats so much like I like barbecue sauces. I Like spare ribs and stuff. I don't really like chicken all that much

Mm-hmm, but if you don't eat that shit, then you're just hungry all the time dude. I Can't imagine life without me. I really can't well just cuz like I've tried going vegan for a minute and a half Or just vegetarian and I for the most part I am, you know, I don't eat a ton of meat Yeah, but I don't I get hungry. I'm five fucking freak out. I don't know how you can just live on legumes I can't do it. You know, I freak out if I don't get some Pretty heavy source of protein. Well, I think and I I don't have nothing to base this in but I feel like dudes need meat I feel like all the men I've known like my dad eats Yeah, breaded meat. Yeah all the time you need to have like a steak every morning

I don't have a steak and steak raps bacon and then you put bacon on your steak dudes need meat Yeah, I feel like they do I just feel like your your bodies are wired for that now I'm not saying there's you know, there are exceptions to that. Obviously. There's guys that are vegetarians Yeah, sometimes I you know what I've done in recent years is all be like, oh I've had bread meat this week and I'll pass on red meat for that week Yeah, so I'll I'll do fish which I love and I'll do chicken. I'll do other sources of Protein yeah that are you know bigger, but I'll stay away from red meat. Yeah, your dad's red meat a lot, huh? He loves he looked he was the craziest. I didn't realize it like, you know

There's so many weird things like my parents never drink water, which always That's that generation though. I know it's so bizarre some water and they're like Might I'll be like dad you should drink a lot of water And he's like I like it Why cuz I don't like to taste it's fucking water. Yeah, it's not supposed to taste like a milkshake. It's water I gotta say in all the years. I've known my father I don't know if I've ever seen him just drink a glass of water. Isn't it crazy. I've seen him drink

He loves club soda. Maybe it is generational. We have soda water in the house constantly, but that's got like salt in it I feel like that's salty. Yeah, and then fresca. That's unbeer like those are my dad's three beverages There's no water in it. Fresca's got water in Yeah, my dad has said that about diet coke. It's got water. It's the worst diet coke. It's the worst Friends and Diet Coke are the worst Diet Coke and I feel like that's the worst substance besides Mountain Dew. It's not good for you for sure But you know when my dad will drink it after he works out. No, yeah No, yes, he will diet coke. Absolutely. You think I'm a homeless man when I drink it early

That was in San Francisco That was two years ago We did a show it in San Francisco and the next morning we woke up really early to fly across the country for Christmas Oh, that's right. Yeah, and you were wearing like a sweatshirt like a Gigi Allen sweatshirt or something I don't know some crazy print on it whoo tang whoo tang. Yeah, I don't think you look like Gigi out. Shout out to Black Lagooner Yeah, oh right. Yeah, I'm like Lagooner you and uh, you're in the hotel room is like so fucking early and you hear And you're drinking a diet coke I'm like you look like a homeless person like a crazy homeless with your hoodie and your soda

Who's drinking soda five in the morning? A lot of people do I know it's in It's in this fashion right now like on airplanes. Yeah, it's the style right now So gross dude, so does intense the water thing and then so my mother there's another one I'm like, why the hell don't you drink water? Yeah, she goes me that now. Yes She says water makes her feel nauseous. Oh now. Yes. Yeah, like she's great. She's like I feel nauseous and like no That's just water. You're supposed to have it in you all the time so you know what she'll do pour her glass of water and she'll literally Like it's like wet her lips with it. Like I see her put it up to her mouth and it

Barely enters and she'll go She's yeah, I'm like that you got to drink the whole cup right and then over and over and she's like You know, I saw a urologist a couple years ago and I asked him about the water thing because I go I drink water I'm constantly hydrating. I have a bottle You know me I've always got a bottle of water with me if I don't have it I freak out and he's like, you know, the truth about water thing is you don't need to be drinking like 20 cups glasses a day. He's just just drink when you're thirsty That's actually a good rule of thumb if you feel the thirst drink your water other than that. It's just not necessary

All right, thanks doc cool drink when you're thirsty. That is good advice. Well, it's thanks fucking four years I know I know I know It's true though because that we've been it's been told beating into our heads We have to be drinking water all day every day. Yeah, I guess not all day every day, but you shouldn't you know You guys to hydrate you gotta hydrate It's funny I was reading this stupid I'm writing this show and I had to I was looking up Cosmo magazine and there's a clip from Cameron Diaz Because she's a she wrote a book on fitness. Yeah, I just got to read this. I just it made me think of it

It was so fucking amazing All right, hold on hold on. It's so stupid. I love when celebrities write about things So she writes a book called the body book. This is a direct quote quote my secret to feeling I can do anything I need to do is giving my body the food Exercise water and sleep it needs. Well, that is a neat insight thanks Cameron Nobody's ever said that before so your secret. So wait a minute is eating well exercising

Drinking water and then resting. Huh? Nobody's put it that way though. That's neat. We don't have to pay for eating that too for that information No, this is in her body book. You got to pay to read this, right? But I mean just that tidbit is free. She's gave that out. That's a freebie. Wow. I can only imagine the secrets the book holds Here's some more secrets. I don't drink bacon grease in the morning I remember when Vanna white wrote a book like in the nineties. Yeah, and her big advice was You can use the shower as a water pick for your teeth And you're like, yeah, I'm glad to thank you Vanna the book was called Vanna speaks

I'm like, well, maybe Vanna shouldn't talk so much. Yeah, maybe it's okay. She should be called Vanna writes Man Didn't you do playboy? Remember that she was like the hottest thing like Vanna white was the reference for like hot, right? Because she was a fox. She's a total fox But then isn't there something sad about that they kept her on as the old Letter flipper fire like in your letter flipper, you know, they're like you're like well

Why don't you get like a fox again? Like she's like a mom now like an older mom She's very Vanna is what in her late fifties now. Absolutely. Yeah, she's but you know what on the other hand She's also the face of the show and Pat say Jack's not looking great himself. Yeah, but she's the only reason She's on the show is to be a piece of that. She's the fox. Yeah. Yeah, I think they should have kicked her to the curb You know, like so awful. I think they should have been like, you're old No, what's guys you still want to jerk off to you? Apparently you still want to jerk off to 63 year old women But it's not that I don't think about the money to do it, it just happens, you know, I mean see so

I that's my argument. I don't know if that's really a deterrent to guys jerking it. That's true. I guess you know what? That's a great point. I would still jerk off to Vanna white But she would have to say things like You know, put your big long penis in my rectum I After dark we'll get there Look, I'm gonna break the rules if you're okay with it The guy said not to play this because I'm not I'm a carnus

I just want to keep playing it. Okay. All right. All right I wonder what is hello vegan ladies. Oh John Sackers here John If you've seen some of my videos and you've heard me talk about how much I love Vegan vaginas. Oh, then chances are you have probably Fantasized about me licking your vagina. I'm gonna throw up The worst thing I've ever heard I Kind of want just can you just talk about pussy right then or something right? Yeah, don't say the technical

What do you prefer there? Anything but vagina, but I like it feels like an exam right like Tom I'd like to caress your testicles your scrotum and your penis. Yeah, no, it doesn't work. Yeah but something about pussy Feels to me like it's like it feels so crude They're all crude, but for a woman if you said like dick, it doesn't feel as crude to me I'm like, oh that could be like playful and well, what's sexy? I don't know

snatch no Jesus Gash, yeah, that's your vegan gas. I want to lick your vegan gash Your smelly your low iron gash I mean, let me bring your stinky babe Animal-free cunt into my face Cunt is too rough to yeah, it's real girls really hate that one. Yeah, I don't stink box

maybe I Like cooter your vegan cooter Finger Cooter cooters are horrifying to snatch, I don't know There's no there's no good meow mix meow meow. I like meow It's childish though. It is childish. I know but if this guy's what you want a guy to be like I'm gonna yeah, okay. I don't want I don't want him to do it though Alright

Why doesn't he make up his own word for it like if it's a giant vegan Vegetable squash China. He's so disgusting Was Disney have like a scar stop it doesn't even like a scarf on his head to So gross he looks like he looks like what you imagine a vegan looks like just like long brown hair He's a white guy. Yeah, he smells like patchouli. He's got a fucking thumb ring. This kid doesn't look good He hangs out at Whole Foods. He lurks. Yeah by all means if you are a dedicated animal rights activists and Vegan, I would love to lick your vegan vagina

Oh my god, but the world is so close very big and I am so very busy That's the fact is I just don't have time to fly all around the world and Like all of your beautiful vegan vaginas throw up He doesn't have time to lick all of our all the vaginas in the world Do you think all the vegan ladies are like, oh, I love John's no I think it's probably a very small but there is there's a couple that saw it and they're like Oh, this guy is the fucking man and they are but I think that they don't look like the way He thinks they look like and I don't think their vaginas are that beautiful. He's picturing

Like our friend and he's picturing Cameron Diaz being like Hydrated and rested you want to eat my pussy? You know, he's picturing like his ideal kind of hippie mama, you know Like some girl who's like super skinny all vegan and she's got like a dolphin Yeah, dude, or she's got like, you know crystals in her house. She's got a salt rock lamp like we do She smells of patchouli her snatch smells of patchouli You know a lot of a lot of tattoos He's like, oh fucking I'm licking it up. I'm licking up all the

Fucking seeds that are falling out of your purse every day So I thought I'd make a video. Oh, he talks video. It'll be like POV Points of view. Yeah, I know a POV as you can fantasize. Oh my god. I am licking your I just want to talk about The arrogance throw up. I mean, you're so cocky You're so arrogant to think that every fat vegan woman wants Fantasizes about you. Yeah eating their box. Yeah, I want to eat all the vegan boxes out there And I know you want that too and since I don't have time to eat your box

I'm making a video. Thank you. You get to fantasize about me. Thank you, sir Thank you. It's so funny though because if it's an attractive woman that makes a video like that Then every guy goes this is awesome of that five million hits. Well, and and we are we we do go We're thankful because that is the thing we want Yeah, but the flip side is a dude makes this and the reaction is like who the fuck do you think you are? You know like It's so true that the the fantasy is not flipped over. No woman's fantasizing about this guy No, I don't know. There's got to be someone someone likes someone like it

But not people are watching this now because you're like god. I love this fucking guy. Yeah, you know, it's interesting You bring this up. I saw someone submitted a video about sex toys for men There's this new sex toy. That's like it's shaped like a hands like it's a glove and it's got like a container for jizz and You know, it's like it's a masturbation toy and this guy is like Women are allowed to have vibrators and stuff and it's normal, but if a guy has it, he's the creepiest man alive And they're like, yeah, why why is that double standard? There it's stupid. Like you I think it's dudes should do that as opposed to having sex with hookers and people that give them disease Yeah, you know, so maybe maybe our perception is wrong about the vegan pussy liquor

Maybe we need to celebrate him. Mm-hmm. No, okay What you can do is put your your laptop Between your legs and you can fantasize that instead of me licking the air. I am licking your vagina You can get your fingers a little moist That it is my tongue it is touching you And by all means I I'm not gay. I'm heterosexual So I would like to fantasize about licking your vagina But if you are a gay man and you want to pretend that I'm licking your balls or your penis or your anus or something

Go ahead. It's basically going to be a video of me licking and whoever you are and whatever part of your body You would like licked Why does he have to tell us how to use this video? Thanks for the permission to Imagine your tongue is licking my balls Is That you coming to this guy's video. Yep, I just he gave me permission and then I couldn't help myself How and so the thing is is that This video is him licking the air like that's all then he licks the air for the next 30 minutes

I'm not gonna let you ruin this. This is my fantasy too You can fantasize that I am licking that body. It's all good for me Let me get a little sip of my green smoothie before we begin. Oh god Ew I just love my green smooth. Yeah, I get it. You're vegan. I got it He loves his green smoothies. He's gonna take a big green shit afterwards What's he doing Tom describe it for us describe it for our listeners it's taking his tongue in that smoothie and Licking the side of the glass. He's looking the glass

And he's giving you a preview of what's happening. I'm gonna throw up. Stop it. Stop it Be a good girl. Oh stop talking like that Mmm, I'm gonna throw up get nice and come stop it. Stop. I can't take it. I really can't taste He's so pretty beautiful. Oh my fuck. What is wrong with you? So creepy. I think do you know why this is not working? It's working for me. He's so creepy It's working for me. He's a creeper. The thing is when a woman does this for dudes, it's not it's not creepy He's creeper. You need to relax. It's not a big deal. What it's always mess Okay, so in these minutes

Thank God, I'm a karnist and this guy can't imaginary lick my vagina He can if you let him know what he's I can't watch the bit stop it. I Can't watch the video. I'm not allowed to I wasn't even allowed to listen to the video That's true. You did break a lot of rules. You did break a lot of rules What is wrong with people man? Which y'all ladies wrong with y'all from which y'all Does that guy live in San Francisco? I think he does I would put money You didn't play the other part of it

Thanks for playing that Tom really started my morning off right even let me finish it I can't come on many more minutes are there in this this is so gross Well, there's a lot more minutes, but I'm only talking about playing another Let's see. It's really hard to listen like 40 seconds Come on, I want to I forgot what it is. So let me finish it if you can vagina of yours for fuck's sake do a nice And slow you can tease me a little bit. Oh my god. Oh My god Wow, you are so beautiful. You have such a cute

Adorable little vegan vagina Oh my god, okay, I'm going to tease you a little bit first. Thanks for trying to get inside if you're beautiful thighs Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Stop it. Stop it stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Yes, you're freaking me out You're acting ridiculous. Some guy was saying he is saying this to you He's trying to lick your vegan vagina, too. You just think it's too much. That is crazy talk That is crazy if some guy really was talking like that to me Yeah, like a vomit everywhere really just too much, bro I mean some I'm sure there are women that just love that but I don't talk so much

Yeah And now I'm gonna I'm just gonna do this and that like don't don't tell me just fucking It's too much. Yeah, bro. You feel like it's like God Gross, I feel so gross I'm gonna take a shower like showering. Is it like when somebody's like, you know work that cock You know sure You know, yeah, it's a lot

I Those are big words. Yeah Yeah, it's too, you know, it's too dramatic for me. Maybe I'm uncomfortable Yeah, it's too theatrical for you know Bedroom is too theatrical. You don't like that Theatrics. Yeah performative. Yeah, it's bullshit, you know What does it make you think of I don't like how he talks I don't like his accent. He's like you're beautiful vegan

Vagina, it's it's it's excessive. Yeah. Yeah, you know, you wouldn't let him lick your scrotum Your testicles what about your perineum? Yeah, lick your perineum. Yeah, I would I would be into that and your rectum. I would be into that Um, why didn't you tell me we have the new Jaden Smith right here? We were sent this video it's on world star right now, okay, right now Oh Yeah, he's like he's 12 What why a dress so fast

On the big screen Usually you don't be using me. I'm dead you cry at my eulogy magic like Houdini Yeah, baby you taking my screw in the yacht with the fire works. It's a new to me Damn, baby comes up off the roof with me live up your youth with me before With all that cameras and bullets. I swear. I'm the man up in France with the hooligans. Yeah, I'm up with Santa P You do not answer me. I'm in the canopy Living my life like a fantasy Actually, I'm a catastrophe go to your school and they asked for me. I'm in your class making cash

And we fruity like passion is burning like ashes. We had to just make this ish happy he rapping again Why is it why is it such a bummer like why is it like it feels like a Like he's it's not exciting or inspired it feels like a bummer. We haven't read his tweets in a while here's some tweets Oh, yeah Right here Vegan vagina I want to lick Jaden's vegan vagina Okay, he's he has no life. It's no real life Just speak of right is that why it's so sad. It just feels so synthetic

Vegan vaginas tweet. Let's see. I feel like people who look similar act similar You you know what I wish I could have Jaden on that steep bro I'll not be the best episode ever and we could just read his tweets Once you witness a cycle enough times you step out of it He and Cameron Diaz are Two full off law law suffers Let's see Like when he really

Put some thought into it. Yeah, I mean too What's that one where he's like if How can the world have mirrors when they're my eyes aren't mirrors or something? Yeah, that's really cool stuff. That was a fun one Let's see. There's also a fake jaden account a guy that does like tweets like jaden Which is pretty funny. Yeah Yeah I used to hate cody simpson

Because he got all the girls when I should have just shown my appreciation like I do now Yeah, I don't even know what that means when people gossip. They're pointing out in you what they don't like in themselves That's gossip Stop gossiping reflect internally. You will find yourself A neglected part of yourself And you will find yourself a neglectic neglected part of your space self He's not the grammar is harsh. What do you think of that actual insight though? I don't know man. You know, I'm not sure. I need to really think about this when you call someone out on something

You neglect the one percent of you that would be down to do what they're doing Hmm What do you think of that? No, wait, this one's my favorite. Hey, are you are you jaden? Can I have a picture with you? No, because I'm super sad, but we can sit and talk Oh boy I woke up at 12 34 folks. I'm gonna get your life Once all one hundred percent is neglected. You have a citizen a walking zombie who criticizes everything they see

Have fun. It's a really awesome place. Yeah, that's embarrassing. This is like reading a teenage girl's diary really is I tell people I hate Hi-hat music I do but I'm neglecting that part of myself Everybody needs to get turned every once in a while All right, can we can we go I can't do it. It's too sad jaden's bumming me out He uh, he definitely Definitely gets told

That everything he farts isn't delicious. Yeah Yeah, it's just the pair. I mean look at the parents. It's probably that It's also that you know, it's very public It's really it's tough. It's tough being a kid at that age and having all your dumb thoughts be public This is gonna regret that. Oh boy. Oh boy All right. Well, thanks jaden Thanks for the gift. Our house is filthy by the way. I don't know how it happens so fast We got home on monday. It's now what day is it thursday?

It looks like 10 dogs ripped through here and just It does it looks crazy like five frat guys live in our living room. It looks crazy How does this and I feel like I take I take a lot of responsibility for it I feel like I'm just a whirling dervish of mess. I cannot I take a cup out I drink out of it once and then I pull down another cup and I drink out of that cup and then I pull out Like I can't control it. I just can I I'm the worst, but you know what I do I go. I'm not going to try to control it. Yeah me neither. What But I think that's what being married is is like you go, you know what there's some shit that we're not going to change

Guess what we're pigs. Yeah We are this is this is it. This is how it's going to go I can't I can't make a I can't change They're too old. It's like ordering You know four pieces of sushi. It's not going to happen. It's not going to happen in this house. No You know and I've been messy since I was a child My parents have I've tried to beat this out of me since I was a kid Yeah, I used to get punished relentlessly for being messy

And it's just it's never worked. There is nothing you can do to change this about me. I'm just I'm thankful. I married you That's all I'm just glad I married someone that's just as much of a pig and can tolerate me probably less of a pig I think you might be less of a pig Yeah, I think so, but you know what you're you're more like like your whiskers are everywhere and stuff And um, you know your pubes are everywhere and your armpit hairs in my deodorant stuff like that. Yeah, I'm more like just throw shit everywhere You like to hoard things too I'm a hoarder. You hold on to packaging like boxes receipts. You got every receipt ever

scraps Phone numbers Yeah Yeah, you're a collector That's true I'm a different type of hoarder. Yeah. Oh by the way We have to talk about this. I can't believe we haven't brought this up yet You and I are going to be

On a new series on true tv Called how to be a grown-up and it premieres tuesday october 28th At 9 30 eastern 8 30 central. Is it the 28th? Yes. I'm looking at it. It is. Okay. All right more only on true tv We have been Filming this show for a while now. We finally wrapped our pickups yesterday so I'm excited. We had so much fun doing that show so much fun together

And we got to do the show together, which is it wasn't here's how it happened We were going to do it separately and you did it separately one day than me Yeah, and then like the second time I was bringing they're like, why don't you why don't you come in with christina? I was like, oh, okay, and I thought that would be a one time thing. Yeah, and then they were like from now on All all the time together. It's so funny. Yeah. Yeah, we cover everything man on that show That was a lot of fun. So um Please watch the show set your dv Rs. Tell your friends about it

October 28th how to be a grown-up. It's going to be on for 16 weeks Um every tuesday. Yeah, man. Yeah Can we can we please do Yeah, this piece of video. Oh you want to do that right now? Okay. Oh my life. I have been dying This got sent in and I I saw it yesterday and Showed it to tom and I I feel like we've been laughing at this non-stop for 24 hours. It's incredible It's absolutely incredible man Every now and then something rolls in that really tickles your fancy. Yeah

It's it's other world, man It's all the right notes Father of two Dale Decker suffers from a rare and seemingly incurable condition That leads to him suffering up to 100 unwanted orgasms a day There's nothing pleasurable about it Even though it might physically feel good the whole time inside your mind You're completely disgusted by what's going on And depending on where you're at if you're in public if you're in front of kids if you're around strangers

I mean it it can make a person break real fast 37 year old is the first man to ever speak publicly about the condition known as persistent sexual arousal syndrome Or psas and he says it's ruining his life When you're on your knees at your father's funeral At his casket Then you're saying goodbye to him And then you have nine orgasms right there But your whole family is standing behind you

Makes you never want to have another orgasm as long as you Oh When you're at your father's funeral and you're like uh kev is gonna say a few words About your father and then you Oh Your dad's funeral How is your dad's funeral I kept coming? Nine times he came at his dad's funeral it was that it was that arousal

I Couldn't stop coming. I didn't just come once I came nine times Looking at my dad's dead body In that casket Crying and coming and crying and coming. It was the best day of my life. It was so beautiful I've never come so hard My dad's funeral was My stomach hurts from laughing

The best part is that it's it's weird to be around children. I don't know why yeah, it's a big deal He's at your father's funeral At his casket And you're saying goodbye to him And then you have nine orgasms right there But your whole family is standing behind you Makes you never want to have another orgasm as long as you Have

Wait, do you think they were lowering dad's body in in the ground and then he's like Do you think he came on the casket I think he went he did that thing where he he kissed him on the forehead and then he just started coming Like he saw how the skin looked and they're like they make some some of his spots go away with the makeup And he was like he looks great And then the family's behind you so like your brothers and sisters and mothers like what are you doing? Like i'm coming again Look at dad. Look at dad This is kind of like our original would you rather

This is this is close to like do you want to come in front of your family? Well, here's this neat disorder If you want to get um psas so you can come in front of your family anytime you want That's true a hundred times a day you can come in front of your kids and front of your dead dad Front of your school kids teachers. It's unbelievable. But you know what? You just keep on coming Keep on jerking come in your beard Oh

Dale from Wisconsin in america was enjoying his suburban life in 2012 when he slipped a disc in his back While getting out of a chair triggering the condition for unknown reasons They put me in the back of the ambulance to take me to the hospital And on the way there I had my first five orgasms and they'd never stopped fine Dale has been unable to work since the accident and is mostly housebound through fear of experiencing an episode in public But he enjoys playing frisbee golf with his closest friends frisbee golf. What's that? Here we go. Make some come on. Here we go. Oh god They happen at all times in any situation they happen when i'm awake they happen when i'm asleep

They happen in the shower Oh I just had nine Rather powerful orgasm nine again nine nine magic number Jesus I I may be in my lifetime I'm trying to think of my most ever in one day

Which is has been like Years probably like 14 or 15 And I I thought it was like maybe seven and that was over the course of a day He had nine in like 30 seconds It's like That's so crazy. That's such an intense thing Do you think wait, but do you think that he physically ejaculates nine times? There can't be that much in him Something's there to scoop it up, right? Maybe he wears the little di-dyes or something

And he just has a pool to come every time Undy's off. He's like I came again. His wife's giving him orgasm. No, I had nine and they're in my shorts Nine Nine is so many for a dude Nine and then to have a hundred throughout the day. So they come in intervals of nine A hundred a hundred total of it. It's crazy There's people that are like, I wish I could come a hundred times. You would want it every day. You would not like that It's ruining his life. If you had like one day a year, you're like, today I'm gonna come a hundred times

That might be something you could get ready for but every day Hundred orgasms is horrible You can't do anything Could you imagine you're you can't eat like you can but then in the middle of that you're like All the time Is that good? Do you like your spaghetti? And the worst part is being Being that guy's kid because you're like, oh dad's coming again

My dad when you come when you come over that you might see my dad come We're gonna we're gonna hang out my dad. He's gonna come probably Well, I mean Kevin used to be a Boy Scout leader and then He couldn't stop Just always he had these powerful orgasms in front of the kids And we just thought I was in a problem The best part

Is the the viewers we will obviously post this documentary for you, but The best part is that when he has the orgasms, he goes down to his knees. He's on all fours and he's like, oh god He hates it. He hates it. He hates how hard he comes He looks like Theo peeing when Theo pees on his all fours and it's it's really he hates it Oh god They happen all times in any situation they happen when I'm awake they happen when I'm asleep they happen in the shower I just had nine Rather powerful

Orgasmic sensations full of my entire body And now it feels like every muscle from here to about here Is doing this he's like mid chest To like his mid thigh and he's doing like a wave emotion with his hand like basically it's you know Throbbing like it's just like you just came. Yeah While the condition is so rare most doctors can't even diagnose it It is widely acknowledged by specialists in the field PSAS

Is a condition of unrelenting genital arousal Which is not necessarily sexual And they have no idea when this is going to happen or how often It's too bad and lead to intense suffering And this suffering is felt in dale's home life where wife april struggles to cope with the situation We tend to have arguments about stuff that really Shouldn't be argued about

We already struggle right now We can't work and help supply. So I feel stressed from that And psas is even affecting dale's relationship with his children christian and tater They don't have a Relationship he doesn't go to like practices because he feels embarrassed and why Why doesn't he come to practice because when he comes to practice he'll watch the kids practice when he'll come And everybody will make a big deal about it, you know Guys, it's psas relax. It's just psas. Give him a break

He's just coming around your kids Not a big deal. It's all right Who doesn't have nine consecutive orgasms at soccer practice? It's normal. Yeah god have some sympathy What's wrong with you guys? All right, let's get let's we're gonna run sprints now and uh Dale You know You guys have good form

Tatum's dad might come All right Good job everybody Good job It would be really hard as a kid to have this guy as your dad for sure if you're working Dad's coming as you're hugging. Yeah, or he gives you a kiss and he comes Or he tells you how proud he is of you So proud of you

Oh no You like dad Dad could you stop coming? You know, I don't want to but I was just thinking about everything you've accomplished this year and It's really like, you know, I've never Been so proud of a kid I only wish that thanks dad

I only wish dale came like that. Don't you wish that every time he gave me a Super powerful Kids don't know about his condition. They know they know the kids don't quite understand why Dale won't be there The threat of a spontaneous orgasm isn't the only thing that leaves dale afraid to leave home Sometimes I have an erection for three four hours at a time off and on they just come and go like 30 40 a day. It's really hard to deal with It's possible to have sex with my wife

We don't very often because it becomes frustrating because for me, there's no end Desperate for help dale has turned to therapist diane london to see if she can shed light on the conditions. It's Destroying every part of everything in my life When it comes to sexual issues people get very He's coming Oh He has to get up and leave because he just came that's his therapist. He's talking to therapist and he's coming in the office That's what she says

I've never seen anything like that before There are no words How is she not laughing? It's hard to know if it's if it's real. That's what makes me want to Find him some relief Yeah, he just did he came otherwise. This is a horrible way for him to have to live But even in the face of such desperate odds there is hope for dale's future It's a very brave of dale to come out and come everywhere publicly talk about it

He's suffering But there is help for him There are doctors that can help him. I don't know so are there I hope that he's getting some help Yeah, get some help dude. I think the main problem is that probably nobody believes that it's a medical condition I think it's in his head and it's not He's got a real medical problem I believe him. It looks medical. I try to take one day at a time. Hopefully someday someday, but he looks so miserable Well, you can see the misery in his face. Yeah poor poor guy. I want to stop coming so bad

He's like I feel sad and then I come Coming too hard to be sad Come up with something because I would like to get back to my normal life And get back to being the person I'm supposed to be into instead of the person this has turned me into This all happened when he slipped a disc Like he sat up wrong one day. Yeah, I feel like there's something weird about back lower back Nerves and and no, but I mean like connected to your genitals. I think so

Yeah, they're all down there. They're all down there. So I bet you that That hit something and then it just has just been stimulating his his genitals non stop relentless persistent genital arousal And I yeah, I can't imagine how they can uncross those wires once they've been crossed Do you remember do you remember? Um, what was it like for you 15 20 years ago when your uh, nana died? Yeah

I came so hard at that funeral Are you gonna come hard in some funerals too? I hope so. I hope every funeral I go to I'm just gonna be like I gotta come harder I'm especially right when you're there kneeling in front of the casket and your family's behind you So I got to watch your your brother or your son come I have funeral Because when he says that When he says that he's kneeling I picture him kneeling, but his pants are down

And he's like jerking it and it goes everywhere like he's spraying the casket. I love my dad. I love my dad Uh And his kids are behind him like go for it dad show show grandpappy. You love him. That's how you express love dad Powerful who knew from foreign accent syndrome to persistent stimulation Persistent sexual arousal syndrome. Wow It's a syndrome, huh? That's unbelievable. I am Marvelled by the world we live in this poor man. I mean, I hope he finds help

I feel like can't they give him like valium or something like to calm his nervous system? I would seriously if I was living like this guy, I would be talking to doctors about well Maybe we just end sex for me forever at this point, right? Like maybe snip the wires or become paralyzed or something So you don't have to I don't know about paralyzed But but they have to numb you or I don't know. Yeah about like you just remove My genitals something how can you live life? All day every day just coming over and over and over

It's so crazy. I mean you see what happens to me at one, right? So right you're you're laid out for the rest of the week For the rest of the week Can you imagine that if I had that over and over and over all day? I mean, there are people that would get nothing. How about doing stand-up on the stage and just coming in front of everybody? Yeah, and so then I said It's like a form of Tourette's it's almost like sexual Tourette's Johnny Davidson Filthy cunt

It's so crazy. All right. Well, we better get ready. We got a pack for sf. Yeah, we do gotta get on an aero plane Mm-hmm. Uh, we got to come nine times All right All right, I love you guys. See you soon. Bye jeans. Go to your mom's house podcast.com. Check it all out. We love you Bye No Oh Do

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