Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 261-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2014

Hope there are still no carnists listening to our show, but if there are, stop now. Otherwise picture Tommy's tongue licking the air and put whatever you want there. Also, listen to songs about it.  Did you spend time with your father lately? Did he orgasm in front of you? We sure hope so. Tommy's dad, Top Dog, is back with some great advice on, you guessed it, some BROWN TALK. We have an original song that's gonna blow your jeans off, plus some Asian talk that sounds eerily familiar. Paging Sharkeisha - Honey are you there?!? If you loosen your jeans for this episode you'll never forgive yourself. 

Alright, we know, we know, I know, we know, that the live episode is coming through your left headphone only. I know. What happened? Is that what you're asking me? Well, we always have some issue at Cox Comedy Club with the audio. I don't know what it is. It's always fun to do it there. It's not our equipment and it's not them being incompetent. They're great and they do amazing sound checks with us. But for some reason, I think it's just the wiring of that place. It's an older club, maybe. I don't know. Maybe there's just so much come in the wires, you know? Because of San Francisco? Well, yeah, there's the whole city's covered in it, so. That's a really, you know, I didn't think of it as a really, really good analogy. A really good point, actually, you're making. It's that all the wires are covered in come. They're doused in it and it gets sticky and then of course the wires don't.

And actually, you can blame me because I didn't check the audio afterwards because we've done shows there before. And then what I could have done is sent it to our post engineer and had him basically duplicate the line so that it goes left line and right line. But it was too late by the time that I heard it and I knew it when I uploaded it that it was only on one channel because I could see it. So I'm sorry. You know what, Tom? I forgive you. Thank you. I love you and you're a human being and it's okay. And actually, yesterday I thought about sending it to him and doing that and getting it up again, but I was like, what the fuck? You know what? Yesterday was a chaotic day in the house and I'm quitting everything so I don't get distracted. I just quit my mail and stuff so I don't see emails pop up on my computer. Smart? I like it. You've always been smart.

So there's that. Sorry about Live From San Francisco being one channel. People apparently still like the episode. It was really fun. Cox is always a good time. By the way, I stand by my assertion that old people are afraid of the Blue Angels because of wartime. Now, let me preface that. I'm not saying American wars, ding-dongs. I'm saying World War II people, like people like my grandmother. No, not even people who fought. People like my grandmother who lived through World War II and the Russians bombing the shit out of Hungary. Guess what? They don't like the sound of planes flying overhead. Kind of bothers them. Now my grandmother didn't like either. She's dead now.

But you ask her if she liked the Blue Angels, you know what she say? Fuck no. There you go. Set my peace. It's powerful. It's a good song. Planes are overhead. Who is this artist? I don't know. It's somebody sent to us. It's called Insectivoria. Insectivoria.

I like that. I don't know who sent it. It's the Blue Angels. The Russians are outside. I have the war. The characters come everywhere. They don't even come on me. We got a jam-packed show for you today. It's going to be fucking awesome. You know what? You can hear it through both of your headphones.

Both of your jeans. Check it out. I'm going to Minneapolis, also known as Mamiapolis, October 21st. And I should point out that I'll also be there October 22nd, October 23rd, October 24th, and October 25th. All at Acme Comedy Club, the best goddamn comedy club in the United States of America. And I'm looking forward to doing all those shows there. Big Ernie is going to be there. And she let me know she's actually recording her first album that week. Oh, Big Ernie.

Yeah, that's Andy Erickson. So make sure you come out and see us both. November, we pull our jeans well up over our dicks. And we are going to go to do the podcast live. We're going to record both channels so they go through both of your headphones. And we're doing it November 6th in Seattle at the High Line, November 7th in Portland at Analog Cafe and November 8th in Chicago, AKA Chicago at the Empty Bottle. All tickets you can get at yourmomshousepodcast.com.

Those shows are going to be stupid fun. They're going to be so much fucking fun. Just one week later, I go on my very exciting mini tour stand-up. The 14th, I'm in New Orleans at the House of Blues. There might not even be tickets left for the House of Blues. OMG. So please get those now. Houston, the warehouse, November 15th.

Please get your tickets. I'm really excited to go back to Houston. I haven't been there to do stand-up in a few years. November 16th, Dallas. I'm going to do hyenas. And I'm very excited to do that on Sunday. And then Monday, Oklahoma City. And all those tickets are at tomcigura.com.

Please support your mother. She only comes by every once in a while. It's really nice, Gene. Yeah. They will. And of course, I go to Fartnix and stuff in December. I'm adding a new date. Where's Fartnix again?

Phoenix. Oh, Fartnix. Yeah, I'm going to come and keep you company that week. New date. I can't announce yet because the tickets aren't on sale, but I added a week in December. Oh, cool. Jeans.

Yeah. Where can you pull your jeans up over your chest nipples, too? In addition to joining Thomas on these podcast dates, he'll be super fun. I'm going to do November 20th, November 21st, November 22nd, November 23rd at the Toledo. You're ridiculous. Funny bone in Toledo.

That's in Toledo, Ohio, as opposed to Toledo. Spain. Yeah. And then Fartford, Connecticut. That'll be December 10th, December 11th, December 12th, and December 13th. It's a different week. And then, guys, New Year's Eve is just around the corner.

I know it doesn't sound like it, but we're going to, we're already coming up on Halloween. Oh, yeah. It comes so fast. And if you're in Austin. And I come fast. Ugh. Okay.

You're in the surrounding areas. Why don't you join Tom Segura and myself at Cap City Comedy Club? We're both doing stand-up that week together. That'll be December 31st. That is New Year's Eve. Don't break my balls over the tickets. And then January 2nd and January 3rd.

That's it. And then that's all we're doing. In Mom's Den. I'm sorry. Shit. Mom's Den. In Mom's Den, Texas. Mom's Detect.

Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Nine orgasms at my father's funeral. Ah. You ready, James?

Yeah, dude. Pull them up, dog. Hey, can you, uh, can you give me a favor? It might be like, uh, like an eight-minute video of you, where you're just kind of like licking the air so I can pretend that, um, you're licking my asshole. And just send it to me in my phone or something. Just whatever it's sent with.

Just, um, talk it out as easy as you can. Thanks, buddy. This shit is big time! Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. It's your mom in the fucking stand! Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

With Tom Segura. Tom Sutsu. And Christina Pajitzic. Christina Pajitzic. Christina Pajitzic. Welcome to your mom's house. Shh. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, what's up, dog? Yeah. That's better. Oh, you played that song so well. Just now you're super calm about it. Yeah. It's cute.

You like that? Yeah, I need to hire. Sorry. You need to hire. It's just the clips are too loud in my... Oh, there we go. I've got really good hearing. All right.

Well, can you hear this? I love vegan vagina. No! It's so gross. Vegan vagina. Stop it! That was my buddy Justin. That was Justin.

He did ask me to leave him a message where I... Well, our video where I lick the air so he can pretend I'm licking his asshole. And you might remember who did that video. John Sockers here. John Sockers. He made that video and he lets us know what he loves. I love the vegan vaginas. All right.

God. A little extra bonus clip of John. Oh, no, please. Yep. No, please, no more. It took me a week to get over this. What do you mean? Babe, this got such a reaction from people too.

Twitter was lit the fuck up. John Sockers. Guess what? He's so gross. This one's for all the ladies. If you want to eat animals, I can't stop you. But you must know you are never going to feel my tongue on your clits. Oh, my God.

If you want to eat animals, I can't stop you. But you must know I am never going to stick my tongue up your ass. If you want to eat animals, I can't stop you. But you must know you are never going to get to suck on my balls. Oh, my God. If you want to eat animals, I can't stop you. But you must know I am never going to stick my cock in your snatch. I'm not gay.

I'm not gay. But I'd rather suck a vegan cock than lick a cornest pussy. Why? I'm not gay. But I'd rather suck a vegan cock than lick a cornest pussy. I'm not gay. I really dig this song. It's really good.

It's called I'd Rather Suck a Vegan Cock Than Lick a Cornest Pussy. It's funny. I thought that would be the title. I'll tell you what I'm really happy about is that I'm a carnist right now. I feel like it's like that zombie movie we watched with Brad Pitt the other night, where because I'm infected with the sickness, the zombie can't see me. Ah, that's exactly a great way of breaking that down. John Sackers.

John Sackers here. You know what's gross is that he, the way he does that and enunciates. Did you watch the rest of the video? No. I realized that I didn't watch it. No. He does a lot. There's a huge chunk of the video where he doesn't speak.

He just is like... I'm going to throw up. Just even, I can't... He sticks his fingers in his mouth and he's like fingering you. I'm going to throw up. I'm a fucking farmer. Fee you can vagina. Yeah, my friend Sarah, we sent this to Sarah Burns.

Chew vegan? Yeah, that's why we sent... Fee you can vagina. That's why he sent it to her. You're going to really like this. I got a response within 10 seconds of sending that email. She had to live text me as she was watching it. Now he's fingering me.

It's weird. She wasn't turned on. This is weird because she's vegan. It's who the video is made for. Are you sure she wasn't overly sexually aroused and was trying to hide it or something? Yeah, I don't know. You're a vegan vagina. John soccer's here.

Yeah, it's... I was trying to think about... I'm thinking you're a vegan vagina. I'm thinking you're a vegan vagina. I think the creepiness is... He's assuming we all want this. It's the arrogance. Creepiness is like I'm staring at your vegan vagina.

It's the arrogance of assuming that all would be so lucky to have you lick their... As if every vegan woman, their greatest desire is to have John soccer's. John soccer's here. I'm going to throw up here. Lick their vaginas. That's the arrogant thing and the thing that makes you cringe and I feel for not just vegans, carnists as well that had to watch that video. Wait a minute, but we weren't even supposed to watch that video.

We broke rules because part of it was that I was excited that John also promised me this. Pretend that I'm licking your balls or your penis or your anus or something. Go ahead. Go ahead. Okay, John. Go ahead. He talks like kind of... He talks like kind of a nerd too.

It's not very John soccer eating your vegan vagina. Why not? I did cringe and shake and laugh at the vegan vagina licking video, but I got to say, John, I am a fan of you as a musician. But I'd rather suck a vegan cock than lick a carnist pussy. I'm not gay. But I'd rather suck a vegan cock than lick a carnist pussy. I'm not gay.

But I'd rather suck a vegan cock than lick a carnist pussy. I'm not gay. I believe you. I believe you, John. I like that Justin said, did you pretend like you're licking his asshole? Yes, what he wants. Justin wants me to lick the air so he can pretend that I'm licking. Maybe I'll post that online video of me.

Oh, please don't. I'm going to say, you know, I'm very busy. I travel a lot, but I can't be everywhere at the same time. So spread your assholes all the way open and pretend that I'm licking your asshole. Yeah, I think to the premise of the video is that he can't possibly lick all the vegan vaginas of the world. It's the equivalent of like Zach Efron, you know, or like a Brad Pitt being like, like he's that like, I know you all want to fuck me and I can't, but I'll make this video for

you. It's like he's saying, it's like him, like I'm Paul McCartney. I know that you want to see me in concert. I can't be there, but I'll make this video for you. Yeah, you can play whatever you want. Or Biggie Smalls. I know you don't like the video. Or Biggie Smalls.

Exactly. I'm making this video for you. So enjoy it. Press play when you want. I know that everybody basically wants to fucking hear it. This guy should be, I mean, he kind of is in show business, but talk about the ego on this guy. The ego is phenomenal.

Yeah. And I think he's going to be very successful. I think so too. John Sockers, I think you're going to be very successful. He needs his own subscription based website for all the vegan vaginas out there. Vegan vaginas. Where it's at. Let's see.

Does he have other songs? I'm going to look right now. Your vegan vagina. He's definitely out of his fucking mind. Let's see videos. How many you got, John? Whoa. Oh no.

Is it, is it a lot? Hmm. Your vegan. Oh, here's another song. This one's kind of looks pretty cool. You want to hear this one? No. Want to lick my balls?

Go vegan. Want to suck my dick? Go vegan. If you eat animal products, we're never going to get busy. Want to kiss my lips? Go vegan. Want to grab my ass? Go vegan.

If you eat animal products, we're never going to get busy. If you exploit animals, my crotch is closed for business. This is called my crotch is open for business in parentheses if you're a vegan. I figured that he doesn't really have a knack for titles. Um, you are being locked up is open for business. Wait. So he really, the assumption is that everybody wants a piece of John soccer. John assumes.

John soccer. He has a song called B vomit. B vomit. Yeah. Like B as in the insect. I don't know if that's what honey is. Exactly. B vomit.

You should. Not if you're a vegan. I love B vomit. Hey everybody. This is a song for the bees. We don't want no B vomit. Leave me alone. Oh, because honey is B vomit.

Right. Okay. We don't want no B vomit. Leave me alone. We don't want no B vomit. Leave me alone. We have no right to steal barf from bees. He's sweet though.

It's a sweet sentiment. It is a sweet sentiment. Um, here's another one called. Hey, how's it going? Oh, that's good. What was I up to last night? Oh, wow. Let me tell you what I was up to last night.

Oh my gosh. I was with the woman last night and she would not stop sucking my dick. I was with the woman last night and she would not stop sucking my dick. She said that her vegan dick is the prettiest thing she's ever seen. What is it about vegan pics that is so great? What is it about vegan dicks that is so great? I don't know. Vegan dick?

No. Um, no, when I was single, veganism wasn't a cool thing. It wasn't. Now I'm saying in your encyclopedia of dicks, huge kind of roller decks. But I know, but you had every shade under the rain. But I'm just wondering, like, not one was vegan. Nobody. No.

Can you guess the name of this song? Um, I'm sorry. I've already tuned it out. It's a it's vegan. I had a woman suck in my day. And she liked my big dick. It's called she would not stop sucking my big dick. No, just she would not stop sucking my dick.

He's trying to convince dudes to go vegan so that girls would suck their dick. It's a good angle. It is. It's one of the good angles you should go after. Do you think it's going to convince people to change their entire way of living and eating? I don't know. To get with the vegan vagina? I don't know.

There's a lot. These girls suck my dick. There's a song called no sex for meat eaters. Yeah. Another song is called you can't make fun of veganism. I don't know. It's always wrong to engage in sexual acts with animals. Yeah.

I don't think anyone debates that one. How can you not? How is it you can't make fun of veganism? I thought you can make fun of anybody. It's so easy to. Calling someone a faggot just because they don't eat in it. That's the first one. I think I found my favorite.

The first sentence. Calling someone a faggot just because they don't eat in it. My favorite new one. Let's hear it. Let's give it a listen. Calling someone a faggot just because they don't eat in it. It's like calling someone a faggot just because they don't eat in it. Calling someone a weirdo just because they don't eat in it.

It's like calling someone a weirdo just because they don't eat children. You can't make fun of veganism. There's nothing to make fun of. Veganism is awesome all around. I'm not really a songwriter, but he's committed to a cause, which I respect. I will say he's filling a gap in the marketplace because there aren't many that I know of vegan artists. He's really standing up for this group of people. I'll tell you, one time I told a joke on Last Comic Standing back in 07.

About vegans, right? About vegans. And boy. You're a vegan cousin. Did they rain down a pain on me? I was in vegan newsletters. People were very mad. I was making fun of my cousin who's a pain in the ass when she used to order at restaurants.

That was the very clever bid that I wrote in 07. But I wasn't like vegans or idiots or anything. He has a video where he reads YouTube comments, mean YouTube comments. I bet that's fun. He says he got a vasectomy. I don't know if that's a song, but let's see what if it's a song. I think it might be. If I have sex with someone, I could get an infection or a disease.

It's true. But one thing that we'll never have on is I'll never help make any babies. I can't get an A1 pregnant because I got a vasectomy. I like this song. A man has no sperm in it because I got a vasectomy. There are 7 billion people in the world. That's his white team. Everything has the message.

He always has a greater purpose. I also think that if you break it all down, he's just still trying to get laid. Just like every musician. His angle is with this song is like, hey, if you're considering having sex with me, an upside is I can blow loads in you because I'm not going to make a baby. Because there's somebody listening to this song or seeing it who's like, oh, that's a good reason to fuck that guy. Yeah, they should sell his album at Whole Foods.

I feel like that's the perfect word at home. It is the perfect spot. Yes. At the register, just like Starbucks has their CDs. Yes. John Soccer. John Soccer. He's got vegan stuff.

He's called John Soccer sings songs to you. And with your vagina. Your vagina. I encourage you to get a vasectomy. Thank you. And talk to Robert Raid on your snuff. Okay. The procedure only takes 20 minutes.

Afterwards, make sure to keep your balls clean. Your balls may bruise a little bit, but that's better than raising a screaming shit machine. Okay. I can't get anyone pregnant. Holy shit. All right. This is about all I can take of John, I think, today. I'm all tapped out.

You guys really got a serious way of living. Thank you, John. He's got a lot of conviction, a lot of ideas. He knows exactly what he wants. Good for him. Good for you, John Soccer. Thank you, John Soccer. I'm so glad my carnous vagina is off the table for you.

My vegan vagina. If you are a carnous and you rape and torture animals. Oh God. Best clip ever, I would say, in the history of your mom's house. That's your favorite of all time. Right now, man, there's King Ass Ripper. There's big words, the Tourette's camp. And then this is just my favorite sentence where he's like,

I didn't orgasm. Oh yeah, I know. When you're on your knees at your father's funeral, at his casket, and you're saying goodbye to him, and then you have nine orgasms right there, while your whole family is standing behind you. It just makes you never want to have another orgasm as long as you live. But you know what? What?

You just keep on coming. Don't they? They really do. I like that it's not only at your dad's funeral. Like, is he on his knees? That's why I picture him on his knees. At his casket saying goodbye. Jerk, you're not on the casket.

Dad, you're the best dad. I love you. And then his family watches him. It's a double shitty whammy of like your family having to watch you. Orgasm. It's the best. It's like if your day wasn't shitty enough. Now you have to deal with his crippling affliction.

How was your day? It was horrible. My dad's funeral. I watched my brother and my whole family cry and say, well, I actually want my brother knelt there and he just kept coming over and over. It was hard to watch. Because he did it as he kissed my father's dad for him. The whole thing is so warped.

It's amazing. Like, I had lunch with my dad two days ago. Could you imagine like you're talking to your dad and you're like, so, you know, how's your business? Do you want dessert or should we have tiramisu or did you want the ice cream? I think I should just go. I want to go. I want to stop coming in front of your dad.

I want to stop coming in front of your dad. Oh, God. Imagine if you came in front of your dad all the time. No, that's what I'm saying. It's horrible. Dad. Yeah. What's up?

Why do you do that? You're really ruining your life. Like, you can't have family gatherings ever. Christmas is ruined. Thanksgiving's over. Speaking of ruined, I want to talk about dinner with Bri Bri and cousin Jeanette. Yeah. Yeah.

Ruin. Yes. We went with cousin Jeanette, her boo boo and Bri Bri who I haven't seen in forever. Downtown Los Angeles, there's so much that bothers me about this. Okay. I tweeted something about this and it really irritates the fuck out of me. I feel like it's an outdated. I feel like it's one of those things.

You know when you meet somebody and they do something within the first few minutes where you go like, I don't like this person. I already know where. Yes. That's what I feel about restaurants where you show up, you're on time. Hey, there's a reservation. There's four of us and they go, we'll see you when everybody's here. Right away.

I go, I don't like you. I don't want to be here. I'm done with this. Not every restaurant does that. All the garden wouldn't do that. All garden probably wouldn't do that. Friday's TJ. Friday's won't do that last night.

I went out to dinner with bronchi pants and we went to a really cool fucking hip place. Tapas and stuff. Yeah. It was called salt oil something. Right. And it's salt oil. Minutes. Do I know the name of the chef from last night?

Please guess. Chef farts fart in my nuts. No, come on. Chef lick my vegan asshole. Or guess a real name. Chef Ludo. That's the only chef I know. Anthony Bourdain.

Yeah. Anthony fucking Bourdain. No. Anthony Malkuri. Oh, he's on the hotel show. The place is called smoke oil salt. And the chef's name. Chef salt.

The chef's name is perfecto. That's his real name. I met him last night. That's not his real name. It's his real name. That's his gang name. No. It's his real name.

He's from Spain. Perfecto. And they had his press clippings in one of the hallways. And it said perfecto roger. So I looked and I was like, holy shit, that's his name. Then I asked the server. I was like, is perfect here? And she's like, yeah.

And she goes, and then I go, wait, is that a real name? Yeah. And she goes in, you know, right away, he always tells us, you know, that is my name. There's nothing perfect about me, but it is my name. And that's, we just call him perfect. And then I walked up to him because I saw him and I told him, I go, just like, just like your name, the food was perfect. And he was like, thank you.

And then Matt came around. I go, this is my friend Matt. And then he extended his hand and he goes, hey, perfect. It's the blackest name a non black guy has ever fucking had. Yeah. Perfecto. I fucking love, I mean, the only thing that tops it still is y'all jealous. Jones, who was born in 2013, but perfect.

That was perfect. I also like, like, for instance, like they call themselves, like white people choose a name. Yes. Like big man. Like there's big man cupcakes. He's like, why? Cause I'm a big man.

Yeah. I call myself big. I like that. Um, so anyways, I can't recommend that restaurant that I went to last night enough, the one I just fucking told you about licks and salt on my balls, smoke, oil, salt, it's called yeah. The, the fucking, but by the way, no, what, cause what I'm saying is that I went last night and I was there before Matt, Hey, reservation, no problem seated.

Right. And then I get to order my wine that I'm going to hang out. Yeah. You know, the, the way everyone's got to be here is equivalent to a limp handshake when you meet somebody. Exactly. You're like, you fucking suck. But you know what I think the utility of that is, is to make the waitress's life easier

because if it's one seating, then she can come around once as opposed to like every person that shows up now, she has to be like, do you want something to drink? Do you want something to drink? It's probably that. I have a response for that though. Go fuck yourself. Eat a hundred thousand bowls of shit. Yeah.

I don't care. Like you're not fucking solving math equate. Like just walk over once and be like, Hey, everyone's going to be here soon. Okay. Great. Can I get you something to drink and then give me something to drink? So, well, you know what I would do is I would make you go to the bar because then you're going to order drinks and appetizers while you wait.

Yeah. But that's what I'm going to do at my table. And then if I'm early, I'm going to order a drink and then it's all going to go to the same check. And then your waitress's tips. It's all stupid. And that's what I did. We ordered drinks and food at that bar.

Oh, so the place we went to is called Bach, uh, Bob McCott. Don't even say the fucking, yeah. Yeah. Well, fuck them. So we sat down at the bar. The guy was super rude. The bartender filled up his glass. Oh, he was filling up six or 10 waters for people, which is the bus bussers job, not

his job. You said, can I get a glass of wine? He was like, here's a list. And you're like, no, I know what I want. He's like, what is it? And you go like, uh, Pino Grigio, we don't have that. Like, well, how about something similar? Yeah, just fucking.

Could you just like, you know, tell me, well, this is similar to that? No, I can't do that. So we ordered our wine from him and an appetizer and the appetizer hadn't come yet. And then our group came and the host is like, oh, everyone's here. And I go, yeah, transfer the bill. Like I'm not going to pay it at the bar. Yeah. So that's my asshole.

Yeah. And then we sit there and their service was terrible, man. It was absolute dog shit service. What really bothers me is like, uh, oh, oh yeah. So the thing is, is like, it's a, it's a kind of like, uh, one of these, first of all, it's a hipstery place, which I fuck. I'm over it, dude. I'm a fucking suburban right now.

I can't do it. Um, they're like, so we have a fish tonight, but there, there's a limited amount. Okay. The restaurant opens at 530. It was six o'clock by the time we ordered the dumbest thing I've ever witnessed in 30 years of going to restaurants. So I go, oh, there's a limited quantity. Great.

Well, cousin Bri Bri will take one of the fish and as, as I, so two of the limited quantity fish. This is at 6pm. Right. They opened at 530. It's six. Okay. And you may say to yourself, wow, there must be a lot of table.

Are there a lot of tables now? There's maybe 20 tables, which is, I think that's actually more than they have. Okay. So actually, no, if you count the little outdoor here, 20, let's say 20, right? And let's say there's about five or six wait staff. That's, that's totally fine. That's acceptable. Um, six, uh, six, oh eight.

She comes to table and goes, Oh, sorry guys. All the fish is sold out. We have one. We're all out. We opened, we opened 38 minutes ago. Literally. We opened 38 minutes ago. We're all done.

All gone. Graciously lets me have the fish dish and he picks something else and I'm like, oh man, you know, it sucks. Anyways, everyone else gets their food except for me. I don't have my dish. And if it's one thing I fucking hate, it's being that guy who's like, by the time you guys are all done, now I'm going to start chowing down and I look like a hungry animal and everyone else is talking, you know, and, and I'm eating alone.

It's fucking awful. Eating alone is the worst. I know. And I will say I really enjoyed the food. I had the lamb shoulder, no, the pork shoulder, pork shank was great, but when it fucks up your, what do you mean to you? And not only that, it's not a cheap restaurant. Okay.

This isn't some fucking diner. Yeah. Shit. You know, you're paying for this. You're paying one month old. This isn't homeless. It was weird. Like they're, they brought out like a plate of like for, uh, like cauliflower, right?

Like a little bowl. Jesus. I hate sharing too. And then it was like, okay. And then like we, we had to put that on our plates for them to like come back like 10 minutes later with their next dish and they're like, here's the fucking green beans or whatever you order separately. So now, why am I eating fucking five green beans?

And then it's like, here's the big dishes for all of you, but one and then you go like, is it coming? They're like, it's coming. And then we finished it. And then they brought you. Yeah. You guys are done eating and now I'm starting. I actually hated it.

Can I tell you what I fucking hate now as an adult is small dishes, this, this fucking hip thing of tapas and these are small plates. And then these are the big, no, no, no, no, tell you what, I don't want to share. I don't want to get a tiny thing of cauliflower and get one floret of cauliflower. Everyone gets one. And now we're going to order five more. I know I want a fucking plate of food, like a grownup. I know that's why the best way to go to tapas is the way I did it.

It's to go with one person. Yeah. Then they brought me the fish is just a whole fish in a bunch of onions. Now I have no sides because they're all, they've all been eaten up. I'm eating a fucking fish like a caveman. I went unbelievable. That place I went with Bronger is, is a tapas place. But what you do with one person, it's like, oh, OK, let's split this.

When you go with four or five, forget it. It's stupid. And then it costs a fortune to feed fight when every tiny plate costs $15. You know, oh, you want a tiny plate of green sprouts, but you want some brussel sprouts? The $20. Go fuck yourself, LA. Go. Listen, I have to urinate so bad.

Really? Yeah. I had coffee and I hot. Don't open your mouth. I'm not going to. Let me go pee pee real quick. Okay. All right, go ahead.

Go ahead. Oh, man. Did you, did you get all that pee out? I did. And I had a little bit of yogurt and I put bee barf on it. Did you? Oh, man, you're not going to get your vagina licked now. You can't do that.

Don't you want to hook up? You want to get your vision vagina licked? You can vagina. Oh, let's get into this, man. Let's do this real quick. I think people will enjoy this. We have so many cool things to do. So many treats for you guys.

Let's go. Hey, buddy. Yeah. Stop dog. Hey, buddy. Stop dog. Hey, buddy. Stop dog.

You need to lie down. Stop dog. Now, fortunately, I had devastating news and that was that everything I recorded in that on the cruise on my recorder is no good. It broke my heart. That fucking sucks, man. Yeah. I don't know what's going on.

It might be time for a new recorder. Yeah. That thing's been around for a while now. You bought it years ago. You bought it when we first got married, right? I've never had it not work the way that I used it there, though. I've never had that happen. It was the files there with the full timecode and everything.

It's just a dead file. So weird. Yeah. It broke my heart, but I was able to talk to Top Dog over the phone recently and I think you'll enjoy it. I think you'll like it. I'm excited. Let's talk to Top Dog for a moment, if you will.

Hey, buddy. Hey, what's going on, man? Well, I'm just getting ready to go lunch. Hey, so did you say you had a favorite number? Oh, my favorite number is five. Five. Right. Why is it Y five?

Because I like to my favorite shit level is five. But you realize that all I had to do is ask you a favorite number and then he thought for a second, like, what does that question mean? And then he was like, oh, you're talking about shit. It's like, I have to say, what's your favorite Bristol stool chart number? I just said, do you have a favorite number? He just knows now you guys have a shorthand with each other. It's pretty great.

So you're willing to do a little extra cleanup, though. Oh, yeah. But they come out so easy. And that's what you like. Oh, yeah, I like the fact that I sit down and I'm basically done. And, you know, in five seconds, I'm done. Yeah, that is kind of nice. That's a great feeling.

It's your great feeling. You have to work, you know, there is a little bit of extra cleanup involved. But, you know, let's face it, master that art. Okay. And, uh, and then I'm up and ready to go. I could be, you know, in and out and less than two minutes. Yeah, that's pretty. You know, when you're working on a one and two, sometimes you have to sit there

and work a little bit, but, and, uh, you know, uh, but a five is my favorite number. Now. We finally gave him, I got a great, great gift of mugs with Bristol stool charts on them. I think Andy Gert gave them to us. Um, I think in Eugene, like a year ago, and I never shipped mine, the ones for my dad to him.

We gave it to him on the cruise and he lost his fucking mind. He was already talking about Bristol stuff for like last nine months. When he got that mug, he was like, this is one of the greatest things you've ever given him. So thank you, Andy. And, um, clearly, I mean, he studies this pretty. It was nice to see somebody's passion come to life. You know, it's, it's always nice to see somebody who's really into, into it.

Yeah. Into their dreams. Something I agree with that. That's nice. Sometimes I appreciate the, not working, but just a little bit of, you know, just putting a little muscle into it. Well, yeah, I know what you mean. You know, I had a, I had one of those the other day.

You know, it was, it was, it was kind of a, a three. Okay. And, uh, I had to, I had to work a little bit. You know, I sat down, they didn't come out right away. And then it kind of was a kind of a long one. So kind of, you know, took a second to come all the way out. So that was, and then you hear that big plop in the bowl there and you know, you're done and bombs away.

Okay. Target it. Yeah. My friend, uh, he, I think he said, uh, Joe, he said, there's no greater feeling than sitting on the toilet and taking a shit while you clean your ears out with q-tip that, that really, that's a great feeling. That's a good, it is. Well, you know, you're being, you're multitasking and high efficiency.

Yeah. Yeah. I agree. Um, yeah. You know, I wanted to ask you this too about the, um, clean up. I think you told me about being able to use two hands because you had what you call like a cherry bomb and all this, this is, this is where most, most amateurs make this mistake.

Okay. You said you made the mistake because I did. I did before. Okay. And to what happens is, is it's the same right-handed. Okay. Well, if you have, if you have kind of a cherry bomb, you'll blast on the left cheek and you, you know, and you, and you, you reach with your right.

Sometimes it's over on the left cheek and your right hand doesn't reach all the way over there. Okay. Yeah. So what I've learned to do is, is if, you know, if I have one of those cherry bomb types, I, I basically could become ambidextrous when it comes to the white thing and I'll, ambidextrous, ambidextrous. And what are, what is it called when, um, um, somebody rapes children?

They are a pedophile. Yeah. I'll take the left hand and check out that left cheek. Yeah. But the last time you found out is because you got home, you said, and you took off your, your underwear. Yeah. A little sunset in the panster.

Absolutely. On your left side. Sun. Left side. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Exactly.

It's really interesting. That's really interesting. And that's where that came from. Yeah. And Christina has been bugging me to talk to you more because she said that, you know, she knows that you're the best where she feels like she's always having to do just extra cleanup and like she gets in the shower after every dump. And she's like, what, what's going on?

And she said to ask you. Well, here, here's the problem. You like that breathing? He's really breathing into this. Well, what happens is, depending on what type you have, you know, if you, if you have where your takes log, your, your, your butthole can pucker a little bit. Okay. It doesn't close up right away.

And so you still got some in there that kind of oozes out after you're done. You ever have one of those where you just keep on cleaning if you feel like you're never done? Yeah. Well, sometimes what you have to do is you have to kind of stand up and let everything kind of fall back in place and then sit down again and, and clean up one more time. So she's basically sitting too long.

Exactly. You sit too long and kind of keeps it open a little bit. So you gotta stand up, fall back into place and then, then do that. That's good advice. Well, that is good advice. You've been, uh, you know, good eating week, good dumping week. Well, I've been having these smoothies every morning, which is, uh, really good, you know, for my, uh, you know, I've, uh, changed my diet somewhat this year.

So a lot of seafood and, but, uh, the thing that really, you know, gives me the hard ones or haven't had a lot of steaks, maybe steaks, if I have a lot of red meat, that turns into, it turns, I can have a, you know, a one or two with a lot of red meat. So I get really, um, distinct beef farts when I eat red meat. My farts are real different. Yeah. Yeah.

Since, since I started these smoothies, my, my, uh, it's had an effect on my farts don't stink nearly as much, you know, that's too bad. Um, are they fruit smoothies? Hold on a sec. Hold on. I'm talking to Tom. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I am, he's shut down. I call. Yeah. I have, uh, and I have cod liver oil and, and flaxseed and I put it in with make my own smoothies in the morning and, uh, really good. That's great, dad. That is great. I love you, dad.

Bye-bye. It's top dog. Hey, buddy. It's top dog. Hey, buddy. It's top dog. Hey, buddy. It's top dog.

You need to wipe down now. You've been talking for a while about, you've been asking that one clean clean up question. So do you feel like he answered your question somewhat? I do. And I also feel like I, there's one interesting distinction that I just picked up a nuance, if you will. He says you must stand up, let everything settle back into play in the place

and take a beat and then go to clean up. And my problem is I'm too eager for cleanup. But don't you think it's, it's almost like about how to live life and not just wipe up, but it's like, he's saying, you know, take a minute, take a second for yourself. Yeah. It's very zen. Come on, master fucking fox, wait a minute.

Yeah. You know, it's like everyone's in a rush to get everything done now. I got to do it right now. Yeah. He's saying, chill out, take it, stand up, let things kind of relax. Back into, yeah. Then sit down. Oh, damn.

And then it'll come the way you want it to. I just realized that he has these phone calls with you in his office. Doors open. Yeah. He has a couple of secretaries apart. Yeah. And he's like, I like, I like, ah, fives. They're like, Tom, Mr.

Siguro, you've got a phone call in line talking to my son. Yeah, I love it. I love, I loved hanging out with the dog on the cruise. I loved his balls seeing those nuts. Yeah. You got to see those balls. It's too bad we couldn't talk about that more. You're like, um, my wife is here.

Could you cover up? He's like, Tommy, like that. But you know who he gets scared of with that is my mom. He's like, oh, your mom will give you a really hard time. Yeah. Cause Charo is really a decent, she's for decency. She doesn't stand for it. Are we going to bust it out right now?

We're going to bust out the treat with my treat. Yeah. Hold on. I'm so excited. Hold on. Let me prepare. I have been waiting to drop this on you guys since the cruise and I'm fucking so stoked, but we have a new one.

There's a new segment. There's a new segment. We've been talking about this for about a month. Yeah. And when Christina told me this, I think, did you tell me on the cruise, I think you did. Here's what I was like, whoa, you were all, you're all fucking. I was like, bro, that is fucking.

Yeah, bro. Yeah. So God bless. This basically this, this came about Tom and I were on the cruise and we were talking about pop, cultural things and just what I think are common knowledge. Um, and like a song was playing and you didn't know who the artist was. It was pretty well known 80s, like white people thing. And then we came up with the idea since we do Tom or black, why not quiz Tom on

Tom or white? Think white and get serious. Now it's time for white, white, white, that's right. Amazing. Tom or white. It's amazing. Now for years, I felt as though. Well, first let's talk about that match man.

Oh, right. I matched did that intro because he did Tom or black. So he's done so many. He's done, he did top dogs intro. He does the Maria intro. He's done, he did our show intro. He's built these all. Yes.

Super talented and the Tom or white intro. You just heard also by Ryan match. So thank you match, man. And he put it together so fast. So fast. Yes. Cause I got so excited. So the point of the story is the last 10 years I've enjoyed my life with Tom

Segura, the light of my life, the fire of my loins. I've found that you don't know shit about white culture. I don't. Yeah, I'm pretty bad. You're right. There's some that like, yeah, I go like, of course I know, but there's a lot that I'm, I'm really bad. I agree.

You kind of suck at knowing white people stuff. Like you can, you can tell me every big Daddy Kane song. You can tell me, you know, who's in whatever we just update our formulas. Wrapping groups. Yeah, like, I don't know who the fuck that is. I've felt at times that you don't deserve to have a white card that you need to get your white card revoked. So this game is going to test your knowledge of white people stuff.

I love it. This is a great idea. It's really a brilliant idea. Okay. I'm going to start you off kind of mellow and then, you know what I'm saying? We'll go from there. You know what I'm saying? Okay.

So you're just going to ask, you're going to play something and be like, all right, I got it. And I'm going to make a right. We'll see if you got it right or wrong. Okay. Okay. Okay. We're going to start off mellow.

Here we go. Number one for Tom or white. Here we go. What is the seasonal drink item known as a PSL? Are you asserting that most white people would know this? Absolutely. White people love this shit. PSL PSL.

So would somebody go, you guys got a PSL? That's correct. And it's only comes around once a year and people fucking lose their minds, specifically white people. I got it. Go ahead. It's a pumpkin spice. Oh my God.

It took me a second to figure out what to do with it. I'm going to start off with a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a second and I put together to pumpkin spice. I'm so proud of you. Thank you. Congratulations. Thank you.

Do I get a white sound for that or something? Well, yeah. Do you have one? No. Oh, I thought you prepared white sounds. No, I didn't. All right, we'll do that next time. Okay.

Okay. Congratulations. So yes, you got that. Here's my congratulations. Stop Tom. There's big daddy came saying stop Tom. Okay. Um, now we're going to do a little of like name that tune.

Okay. Okay. Now I'm going to give you points for just knowing what band it is. Okay. If you can actually name the title of the song, I will give you a bonus. We should tell our listeners that Christina now has a line in the board. Oh, yeah. You have your own line in the board now.

First time ever. I'm so sick. I'm this is the first time I've ever played clips on the show. So I'm a little nervous, guys. So I have this board volume here. So you, you play and you stop whenever you want to. Okay. So loud.

Don't do that. Don't ever do that again. This is volume. I have volume. Okay. Okay. Ready? Yeah.

This is the first song we're going to play. Yeah. And just all you got to do bro is fucking name the band. Okay. Okay. Here we go. Oh, okay. You know this song?

I know the song. You're singing along. Sounds familiar? Yeah. It sounds very familiar. Let's get to the chorus. Maybe people won't. Everyone.

Why people love this? Uh-oh. All right. There you go. All right. That's really good. Uh, the, the cars, the Martians, the, uh, the Melvins. Is this the, is that, uh, are you being serious?

James Wagner. Are you being serious? Bob, Bob Simon. Is that Billy? Be serious. I want you to really try. I am trying. Now here's the thing is that this is kind of, this is the song on the cruise.

Okay. This is kind of what started this. I'm giving you a bit of a, a gimme here. Okay. We answered this question on the cruise. This song came on and this is what prompted the entire game. I'm like, dude, I love this jam. This is.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, atomic, atomic. Huh. Ion. White people. This is a very historic white people band.

White people love. Doctor, doctor physics. Is this, that's Barry, Barry Johnson. No. Be serious. Do you know? No, that's why I'm throwing things, white things out. You don't know who the fuck this is.

I don't know who it is. Dude, you're not white. I swear to God, I'm taking away your white card. Well, here you fucking go. Cops are all bald and shit. Who is it? Hauling oats. Oh, fuck.

Now I definitely need a million, a hundred million years. I would never would have guessed that. Okay. All right. Um, here's another super white. This is another band white people really like. Okay. See if you can guess the artist here.

Okay. If you change your mind, take a chance on the first day in the line. Take a chance, take a chance, on the next day in the free. Is this ABBA? Yes. All right. Oh my God, you got it. All right.

How did you know that one? I just took a guess, man. It was just a while. I thought of like men and women group, but I could only think of like them. And what's the other white hit like from that era, uh, where it was women and men weren't like, some of them were married at one point and then they weren't. The mama's in the papa. No, uh, Fleetwood Mac Fleetwood Mac, right?

Sure. Who's in Fleetwood Mac? That fat is Stevie Stevie. Okay. That's who I was thinking of. I would have said ABBA and then Fleetwood Mac. Okay. I don't know any really like of the songs, but of course you don't know.

Do you know the title of the song? Would you know the title of the song? If you need me, let me know. Gonna be around if you got your place to go. When you feel it. I love your song. If you're all alone, when the pretty birds have flown on the upstate free, take a chance on me, find a new my bed.

That's all you get. What do you think? What's the name of the song? Um, I don't know. All right. You don't get it. Is it, um, it's time to go home now. Okay.

Take a chance on me. Okay. That's the name of the song. Okay. This next band, white people love this and I cannot believe you don't, whenever I play this genre of music, you fucking never know anything and it makes me crazy. Okay. This next one, super white.

Here we go. Wait, what am I, name the band, name the band, this is the band at this point. I'll take the band. Oh, let's go. Oh, let's go. Oh, is this sex pistols? I don't know. Are you fucking serious?

Yeah, I don't know. You're fucking serious. Play it again. Oh, let's go. They're foaming in a straight line. They're going through a tight one. The kids are losing their mind. Let's kick up.

Dude. Dude. They're falling in the back seats. They're getting a rain seat. Come on, man. We're fans in the back seats. Dude, you're not even white. I swear to God, you're not white.

Who is it? Well, fuck are the Ramones? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't know any other songs. I know. OK, Blitzkrieg Bob. OK, I hear about this one. Let's do a current song.

White people love this band. I mean, I have to admit, I didn't know a ton of their shit either. But I don't know. Maybe you may you might know this. What are you looking at? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I swear to God, I'm not cheating. Oh, I would get it right if I was cheating.

I was just pulling something up so I could play something for you in a moment. OK, ready? Now, again, this next band, this is a current white people fucking love this band. OK, are you ready? See, and I admit, I wasn't hip to these guys so much either, but just hear it. Now. White people take forever to fucking sing.

Is the sound familiar? Can I tell you some impressive pause? Does it sound familiar? It sounded more familiar before you started singing. It's almost like I recognized like I was like, oh, I know what it's about to come and then it sounded unfamiliar because you didn't hear stuff like, bitch, suck on my dick, my nuts. Don't be rude and don't throw shade.

Please press play. OK, I like it's going to help you any, but OK. I got it. The cardigans, the holidays, deviated septum. Good. No, is it is it Carl? Is it Carl Rams and the bed and the bangles? You're fucking done.

Who is it? It's the band is called Arcade Fire. I did not know that. It's like. I'm welcome to play. OK, OK, all right. Now back to the question. How many have I gotten right?

So far, too, as a white person, you've gotten too correct, too correct, which is appalling. How many more are there? Well, I mean, I want I got four more questions. Can you can you hang in there? Yeah, I can do four more. OK, are you ready? It's just a question.

Yep. Brenda, Dylan, Brandon and Kelly are cast members on what TV show? Oh, would it be? Walk me through your logic. BH. Yes, come on, man. I grew up in the same era. Hey, I wasn't, you know, sometimes you don't know white people.

I remember when Brandon fingered Jenna and I wasn't an episode. No. Yeah, he figured her butthole on accident. He's like, how do I get the chocolate off my finger? I remember. OK, well, who was dating whom? All right, let's fucking move on to the OK. I got that right.

OK, ready? Yes, when I get things right from now on. Oh, or a bag of chips, maybe, right? I could maybe have the bullhorn. OK, how many trash options are there at Whole Foods? Three. No, I'm sorry. That's incorrect.

What? There's four. Four. There's four. What are the four? Recycling, landfill, compost and trash. That's fucked up. Sorry, I've seen three.

Before there's three by the restroom. Sorry, white people love Whole Foods. You don't know it. That's your fucking problem. OK, OK, I've got an audio clip from a film. White people fucking love this movie. OK, just see if you know if you can name the film. OK, here we go.

OK. Wow. Oh my God, I'm so impressed. Wow. This is amazing. GLOBALgen04, Mollye Ringwald. Wow. So you've seen this one?

I've seen a movie a lot. Yeah, because your sister and your sister's? More for Dan Cody, who lived across the street. So he was a white person. He was very white. He ran a record store for a long time. He manages bands now.

He's very white. Oh, well, then thank you, Dan Cody, for introducing my husband to things that white people enjoy. Yeah. This is your last question. I really want you to think about it. Ready?

I'm really excited about that effect that I nailed a few. You've done really well. I've got four correct right now. I'm pretty much like half white. Half white. Pretty much right now. Let's see how you answer this last question.

OK. We know white people love eccentric exercise methods. OK. OK. The bar method, yoga lotties, and aerial pilates. Which one of those three is a real white person exercise method? Can you name them again?

I can, Tom. The bar method, yoga lotties, and aerial pilates. Which one of these is real? So two of them are made up? I can't really define the question. I'm just asking you. You said which one of these is real. Which one?

Which is real. So two of them are not real. You made up two of them. Maybe. Well, then if that's maybe, then you're saying more than one could be real? Possibly, yeah. You said which one?

It's a trick question, yes. They're all real. OK. Ah, yes. You did good. You did good. Ah. Well, let's see.

One, two, three, four. You got five. Out of? Out of eight. That's super white. You're super white. I'm white. Congratulations.

I'm so excited to be white. I want to tell everybody how I am. We could definitely play this game again. This is fun. Eh. Eh. Eh. Eh.

Think white. Get serious. And then we're going to watch it in DC to take back the White House. Yeah! Ah! Now it's time for Tom or white white. I love that Tom or white, that that open build

that you put there, the level that's assembled to make it super white, is that it has Jack Nicholson saying think white and get serious. That's the best. That's from as good as it gets. Yes. And then it has the whitest move ever,

which is to get excited and go, Ah! Howard Dean did that when he was still a presidential candidate. People really touched the show on him. And then he immediately they shut down his campaign the next day. Yeah, because white people aren't supposed

to show enthusiasm or feelings. And then you have the, I recognize the opening theme from BH. Oh, OK. And then also Ryan was geniusly, he put in the sound of the Star Trek door closing. That's what that is. Oh.

I guess. How funny is that? It's just super white as well. Thank you Ryan Match for the intro on that. That's so white. The game we just played, that I feel like I need to shake it off. You know what I mean?

You know what? I feel super white right now. I feel like I went too easy on you. We're going to make this like a round of Tom or white even harder. Do it. Step it up. Take me to the big league.

I just want to see where you're at. I just want to get that white off of me. This is what speaks to my heart. Is this bone thugs? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Two pack. Two pack.

It is. OK. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. You can see my glass. This was my first time. It was um. My first TV spot that I did was live at Gotham when it was on Comedy Central.

2007. This is what I sat in the green room listening to my husband. I was like, yeah, dog. It's about to go down. I was thinking about all my friends. I was the only guy in the green room who was getting a tattoo while they were preparing. Yeah.

That was amazing. I gotta shake that white off. All right. Thank you. Speaking of songs. In the live show, we played a new song. But again, it went through one headphone, so we're going to give it to you again. Obi-Wan Kenoli.

He's the one who did that Theo Huxtable song that is just so crazy where he cut together all these conversations that Theo had had, and then he made a song off of it. It's really impressive. Well, he did it again, and this time he's getting back at Peter Cain. Wow. Peter talked a lot of shit, and Obi-Wan made a song that's going to make him think about talking shit again. Wow.

You better fucking believe it. I'm a little nervous to rile up Peter Cain, because God knows once you feel that guy's wrath, it just keeps coming. Well, he's got two people to answer to now, Theo, who's, we still, he says he doesn't want to come in here and talk yet. He's so fired up, and then we got Obi-Wan who made this track. I don't even want Theo to hear this. It's going to get me.

I hope he doesn't. He's in the next room. Thank God. I hope he doesn't. Here we go. Here's the Obi-Wan Kenoli song. Peter Cain. Woah.

Woah. That's pretty crazy. I'll do Navy's. He threw those at me. Ships in the ballpark. I'm Peter Cain. I also make some art. Dead baby elephant.

I can say whatever I fucking want. I'm Peter Cain. The biggest pussy. I love the old hugstore. Tee. I'm Peter Cain. I also make some art. Dead baby elephant.

I can say whatever I fucking want. I'm Peter Cain. The biggest pussy. I love the old hugstore. Tee. I shit on myself. It's disgusting. It's gross.

I don't wanna wear diapers. My brown say hello. I'm saying my fucking head. Can't control my aggression. I ain't ripped a woman's arm off. Refer to me as eccentric. You don't like art. Man, what a dick.

What the fuck does it matter with you, dude? Like, I give a fucking shit. I love being a racist. Fucking redneck intellectuals. Get the fuck out of here. I don't really care what your opinion is. Christina said mean stuff. Like, really mean stuff.

I'm getting all emotional. Man, what the fuck? Oh my god. Jesus Christ. Okay. Fuck no. Oh. What emotional stuff.

I love smoking crack. And Hennessy's swigging. And I love mom's house hot cares. Don't you get it? I'm jealous of season one. Christina and Tom too. Geez, geez, geez. I love, love you.

I'm Peter Cain. I also make some art. Baby elephant. I can say whatever I fucking want. I'm Peter Cain. The biggest pussy. I love Theo Hoggs to old T. I'm Peter Cain.

I also make some art. This baby elephant. I can say whatever I fucking want. I'm Peter Cain. The biggest pussy. I love Theo Hoggs to old T. I also make some art. I can say whatever I fucking want.

The biggest pussy. I love Theo Hoggs to old T. Geez. Powerful. Obi-Wan does it again. Holy moly. That's pretty crazy, man. You know what I love?

It's so funny when he frankenbites that shit. I'm Peter Cain. I also do some art. It makes me laugh. It's great, man. I've been saying that for a week now. Two weeks. I also make some art.

I also make some art. The biggest pussy. That's hilarious. I'm Peter Stain. He killed it with that, man. The biggest pussy. Well, I don't know what Peter Cain's going to think about. Peter Stain.

Prepare for retaliation. Feel it coming. Yep. I'm impressed. Really good. He also did the Theo Hoggsable song. Of course. Ten times ten with an S on it. And from the hundreds black.

Yeah, I'm trying to find that. It's on your mom's house podcast.com if you go under clips. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay. It's like you don't even work here. Jesus. I'm also a vegan vagina guy.

He's up on the site. I'm trying to think of a whole site. I put some shit up there for you guys to see. Let's see if this is... The orgasms guy is up there. I've been spoken like a motherfucker. Yeah, that's it. Okay, cool.

What do you have there? I also have the orgasms guy documentary. You put it up? It's on the site? It's on the site. We have to... I hope we can spend more time with one of my favorite clips for a long time.

With two gentlemen. Especially what is amazing is I was able to take a really, really hard long penis into my vagina as well as my... what do you call that? Rictum.

And there is so many adventures within me during these past 10 months. I like the idea of when people get older and they're just like, I'm being adventurous. When they start doing crazy shit, this lady has that adventurous spirit about her.

Do you want me to hook you guys up? If you know her? That implies that you could. Well, the internet knows her. She's a whore. She's got a fucking whore site, Tom. It's 60 plus milfs. I love those 60 plus milfs.

She's your fucking flavor. Yeah. I think she maybe even has what I like more than anything. Vegan vagina. Vegan vagina. She has a vegan vagina. Vegan vagina.

Combined with... She has a foreign accent syndrome. She goes, how do you say my rectum? She also says, what is a maze? A maze. That's a maze. She's just paying her bills.

She talks like those cats do on those memes. That a maze, mom. A maze. That's how cats and dogs talk. Hi, I'm Kim-en. I am a model for 60 plus milfs. Oh, boy.

Bitch, you a gilf. You ain't no motherfucking milf. You a gilf. You ain't got no... You got your men are paws on. You know that. I love this, but I looked her up. And I started a chat.

And I was able to have a little conversation with her that I'd like to play for you. Throw up. I didn't do anything. I did nothing. What are you doing? What are you doing?

What are you doing? I'm here. What are you doing? I'm here to do my homework. What am I doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?

I'm here to do my homework. What are you doing? I'm here to do my homework. What am I doing? I'm here to do my homework. I'm here to do my homework. You're here to do your homework. You're here to do my homework.

What am I doing? I'm here to do my homework. What are you doing? What's going on there? That is not me in her talking. That is actually an Asian flight attendant losing her fucking mind on a passenger.

You know what that sounded like? It sounded like Sharki should know, It sounded like somebody walked up to a flight attendant walked up to a passenger and was just like, You want to talk some shit? and lost their fucking mind. That is Sharki should know.

Yeah, that's pretty intense, right? Damn, I would love to know what the fuck is happening in that clip. I know, me too. I don't know that there's... Well, somebody out there could probably break it down for us, but if you know,

see what's going on. That's what's happening in that clip. That's what she's saying. That's what she's saying. You're cheating on us. That's Sharki should know. That's Sharki should know. You're supposed to be my...

What though? All right, if you guess so, I guess. That's a foreign ex. God blesses a nigga. That's a foreign accent. A syndrome. It's a foreign... It's an accent.

It's a syndrome. Big words. What are they fighting about? She's all, You... You know all the... She's all, You're cheating though.

She's all, You ordered too much sushi. That's what he came by. He was like, I want another plate. She was like, She just loses her fucking mind. Yeah, you cannot order so many rolls.

You order too many rolls. Too many rolls. Fantastic. You already had the soup and the siren. I have not actually heard my voice in the conversation for nearly three years now. It's okay. I'm 63 years of age.

This is my second time around here. Second time around where? The Earth? Doing her thing. Agent listeners, what's going on here? Is it that he asked for a deeper pressure massage and she won't do it? I still think this started with...

You want to talk some shit? In the Chinese? Yeah, I want to talk some shit. You want to talk some shit? Huh? Huh? I want to talk some shit. I hope that when that plane landed,

after this was going on, it was just like, all this was going on. I want to talk some shit. I want to talk some shit. I want to talk some shit. Don't talk shit. They land and then the captain just went.

Baby, baby, baby. Oh, you know those words. It's my favorite part. All right. We got to run. This was a lot of fun today. This was a jam-packed moment. Man, you got Top Dog.

You know what I'm saying? You got a brand new game called Tomer White that I did pretty white on. You were pretty white. You were five out of eight whites. That's pretty good, but you said you're going to step up the difficulty. Well, I had to gauge where you really were.

You did. And I also feel like, you know what, it built some confidence. You got to have a little confidence. If I'd gone 0 for eight, you know, you go, well, this isn't a game that's even attainable. Now you can really step up the difficulty.

I'm so excited to go even deeper into what white people love. Yep. That's good. But you know, we had some fun with our absolute new favorite guy on the show. John Sockers here. Thank you, John, for sharing your music with us.

I love The Weeknd for China's. I hate him. Thank you very much for your musical gift. John Sockers. And yeah, that's it. So gross. New song, Peter Stang. We're going to give you

more Obi-Wan on the way out with the Theo Jam. And then maybe you think we can get Theo on the show next week? Let me talk to him. Yeah. I want to hear if he hears the song and like whatever. He's also still angry, like you said.

And hopefully by then he'll have seen his therapist that he can talk through. He sees a therapist? Well, look, we've had some behavioral issues with him, so I took him to behavioral therapist. He can talk about his feelings. I would love to. You're better at talking to him than I am.

He doesn't really talk to me. No, he never does. It's so bizarre. But I want to know how the, and then also if you could talk to the behavioral therapist and maybe talk to them about how he is. Yeah.

I just, I feel like, you know, we just try to love him and he just keeps pushing me away. You know, he's an adopted son and they have problems. Yeah. It's not his fault. He came from a traumatic childhood.

Okay. All right. Well, look, thanks for listening, guys. Please. Thanks for listening. Yourmomshousepodcast.com. Come see us in Seattle, Portland, and Chicago.

Come buy my tickets to my mini tour or MinneapolisThomSeguro.com. And come see Christina at ChristinaComedy.com. God is real, you know what I'm saying? God is real. Please go to our Amazon banner and please check out Sopva Mattress. They're awesome.

You know what I'm saying? And that is all. We love you. You know what I'm saying? Keep it real. You know what I'm saying? Talk about it. We love you.

Okay. Bye, James. Bye, Molly. Bye, James. I've been spoken like a mother forever. I run LA basically south of the town. Feed me sandwiches. That's all the time.

Balls licked. Get some barbecue. I'm Theo, all goddamn day. He's running shit south of the town. Ten times came with an S on name. From the hundreds black in the world. Vodka, gin, I don't play around these parts. You know what I'm saying?

He's running shit south of the town. Ten times came with an S on name. From the hundreds black in the world. Vodka, gin, I don't play around these parts. You know what I'm saying? I'm a wild animal. I stab you in your sweet. Get your ass out of my face.

Respect my privacy. I don't feel nothing. I get what I need. I'm a wheeler. I'm a do-it-all scythe. Forget some of your jeep. I've been outside. You ain't shit.

I piss the shit where I want. You better not forget that kind of damn y'all lazy. I never stop hustling. Give me something to get something. They got to pay up. You can get kidnapped. You're under my care. Better show motherfuckers respect.

Uh, yeah. Of course, not 11. New Corvettes. What I do, that's what I've been doing. Oh shit, you cannot disrespect me. Cannot. Uh, motherfuckers. Motherfuckers black.

Pineapples and big apples just get your shit done. 24 was sailing. Who's number one? He's running shit south of the tent. 10 times playing with your ass on the end From the Hunters black. He's a wild vodka. Gin, I don't play around these parts.

You know what I'm saying? He's running shit south of the tent. 10 times playing with your ass on the end From the Hunters black. He's a wild vodka. Gin, I don't play around these parts. You know what I'm saying? You act like I didn't live outside for three years.

I live outside. Caught stepping up the game. Yo, when the fuck are we going back to the dog park? I have people. Chihuahua. Goofy Gert. Labradors. I'm still all goddamn d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d.

I'm still all goddamn d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d.