Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 266-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 5, 2014

It's On, JEANS! Once a week shows are back and here's the first one.  We help Christina's old college BF find a lady as he is now Sinnnnnnnglllllleeee again. Would you like to date him? It's an option.  Tommy is busy writing songs that are so good, he doesn't even name them. He just gives them to the Universe. Will he collaborate with the Braxton's? We're WORKING ON IT! Go On, Gurl is a pretty good movie, but you'll want pizza with lots of pepperoni on it - Just a Heads up.  If you're white, just be respectful to cops. Seriously, what's your problem?  Plus don't use your hands to grab communal food, dumb dumb.  POP, Hold it down some more. 

And there are no more jeans around for anybody they're all taken up How come there's no more jeans left people got greedy they stole all the jeans. You know those high jeans I bought Last week or whatever tweaks. Yeah, those are amazing. I know and they're dirty and I'm so mad I didn't get to You got those dirty Oh Tom where are you right now? Well, look, this is it. This is it man. All right. This is the one or we're down back down to one We're doing one a week at least for November. We're giving it a shot So this is it this is it before the live

three shows This weekend Seattle on Thursday Power we got some powerful feedback on some numbers people are coming out. We're very excited, but You can still go if you're in Seattle this Thursday the 6th what we're at the high line The next day Portland the Anna analog cafe the anal hog the anal hog Cafe, thank you. Thanks to our listener that suggests that. Thank you Because it blew someone's mind that we haven't been calling it the anal someone took paper to pen or in today's world email and

Notified us if that's all that said they were like every time Believe you guys Yeah And actually it was a good note. So very appreciate the criticism. Thank you Portland we're in your place on a Friday So I expect you to come out fucking strong if you're in Eugene. I expect you to be in Portland on Friday Oh strong words. All right. I can't wait to meet all the see all the old mommies that we've seen before I meet the new ones. Oh, yeah, there's a there's a lot

And I gotta tell you these pre-sales in Chicago are Stupid well, I'll tell you what the shows are gonna be stupid that we're gonna do for these people They've no you guys have no idea all the goodies that we have in store for you. It's gonna be awesome We've been planning these live shows now for for a while. Yeah, really stoked. It's gonna be it's gonna be awesome So bros, please do that then Next week jeans. I'm doing a stand-up mini tour. Yes, I'm very excited and Appreciate all your mom's support and here's what I'm doing New Orleans. I will be in your booty hole on Friday November 14th

They added a show so the nine o'clock the house of blues. I think the nine o'clock is Filled so now the early shows at seven if you want to go, please come to that show Houston there were 20 tickets left last Friday. So if you're in Houston November 15th at the warehouse It's 20 tickets left Houston get on that shit the next day is sat is Sunday the 16th. I'm in Dallas at hyenas There's more than 20 tickets left. So Dallas step up your shit and then Monday Oklahoma City Performing Arts Center my Oklahoma City numbers on a Monday are stronger than my Dallas numbers on the Sunday. It's weird So it's weird. Thank you. Okay. See

I'm really looking forward to the whole tour. So please come out I'm super excited to be doing if you would like to look the tickets. They're on your mom's house podcast Com if you haven't already got them go there and you can all the links are there to buy Tommy's tickets Yeah, I think it's a it's under like recent posts. It's a post. I mean suppose. It's also under life shows Okay, great, and you can also find this links to the tickets for all the stuff that we've been talking. Yes, and I added People I added man friend disco. I'm going in December Mmm So you can get tickets if you're up there for my stand-up fart nicks Phoenix. I'm there too

That's that's what's up. What about you jeans? Well tiny little jeans bluest tightest pairs I'm gonna be in Toledo. That's in Ohio not not to be confused with Toledo, Canada Hmm November Spain November Spain. I'm sorry. There's Toledo Spain. Yeah, I did not know that Yeah, I'm not I am not gonna be in Toledo, Spain. Are you going to Spain? No, I need to clarify this because you know I don't want there to be confusion Then that I'm doing that November 20th November 21st November 22nd and November 23rd Toledo funny bone and Then you know I'm saying, you know I'm saying if you don't know what I'm talking about. I'll be in Fartford come come

Come net to get that's right And I'll be doing an order. It's an odd week. It's a Wednesday through Saturday. So that's December 10th December 11th You're so ridiculous December 12th December 13th and then guys, I know New Year's Eve is just around the corner. Believe it or not. I mean, it's already November I'm sorry mom them mom member New Year's Eve if you're in Austin come to the cap City Comedy Club We're gonna be doing stand-up that night not the podcast just stand up that night and then the next two days January 2nd and January 3rd shows. Yeah, come spend your New Year's Eve with us. We did it in a Debbie awesome DC

Last year and that was a blast We had so many mommies at that New Year's it's fun to spend New Year's Eve with your jeans. It's like it's the best DC was awesome. Oh, and I'd be a real cunt's tale if I didn't I forgot December 11th. I'm doing a show in Long Beach and it's called the best show ever best Strong Beach, you mean yeah in strong beach. So if you're in that LA area Long Beach Where is it? What's the venue? It's at Tom cigarette calm. That's where it's at and Rod car Michaels on it. Oh, yeah, HBO y'all Remember when Jeff Tate

Did his dates on our show? Holy shit. Look, we talked about how much anxiety that guy gave us last time. It was hilarious All right, I'm gonna write that down as we gotta talk about Jeff Tate. It's ridiculous. Yeah, he was hilarious um Yeah, I think that's it for live stuff, right? That's it. There's a bunch of new dates if Squirt updated my site. I got a bunch Stuff coming for 2015 that should be up there and we're talking rude Des Moines Syracuse how you pronounce any of that? Oh, maha Des Moines ma maha Syracuse ma maha. Yeah

I'm going all over the place y'all guys Listen if you haven't already to that's deep bro This week's guest is a Greg Fitzsimmons and we discuss happiness and whether that should be your goal in life is happiness What do you think you think it should be happiness? I think it should be like that Pharrell song I had that Pharrell song stuck in my head for like a week before I talk to Greg and Greg's probably the most depressed person on the Planet, which is why it was super funny to discuss happiness. Is that his goal? I have to listen to the episode I guess Do you think that's the best goal to have? No, you don't think happiness is I think it's a stupid goal because it's so fleeting You can't be happy all the time to want how it's that that's the American goal

Oh, but is this semantics though where you're saying like like you're you're saying well content is what you should know I think you know what you should do life isn't about happiness life is constant suffering So you should just maintain your peace So sorry, maybe it is some man meaning you shouldn't think thrilled all the time But how about just like being at peace, but that's what I I'm saying Some people imply like when I say you should strive to be happy. I actually am in my mind suggesting Content, you know, I mean, I'm just saying happy, but I just mean at peace. Okay. Well, there you go then

So that is on the same page. Yeah So maybe it's just but I took the happy thing to be like the Pharrell song where you're just like I mean, you can't be that like but there are some people who do dwell In that realm of like I can't have bad feelings nothing bad is that I have everything's amazing all the time You know you I am related to someone like yeah. Yeah, of course. So all right so listen to show we discussed that and Whether rich people are happier or poor people are happier. What's weird about the Germans. We talked about the Germans as a people Philosophers. Yeah, why are they so goddamn weird stuff like that? Oh, I can't wait. I gotta listen to this. That's deep, bro

Check it out. I like the The porno episode was really interesting. It was cool. Yeah, and I liked the first one with Jenny Pentland, too Are you ready to get your genes excited and up and tight ready to do this Let's go Hmm because I am looking for a girl to go in the relationship I want a girl who can go to the movies with me hold hands with me have sex with me I am looking for a girl who can go in the relationship with me Don't bring anyone loving to this

With Tom Segura Christina Oh My god, you commanded those sounds I know those really impressive time God you play the shit out of that. I feel like when you say that to me. Yeah, it's like Somebody like seeing Prince. Yeah at a concert and being like, hey, you're really good. Yeah Yeah, he doesn't even it doesn't register because he just is that thing, right? So if you're like that was you did you played that song good. He's like, yeah, and I don't know what you're trying to say

I'll give a fuck a fart purple. That's what he says shit purple a purple a few purple I feel like that's kind of me. Yeah playing the opening theme. It's like I don't know what to tell you you But you've been writing songs lately You wrote a song yesterday in the car in the way to Starbucks That blew my mind. Yeah, and it stuck in my head and I couldn't stop seeing it. Yep I don't want to put you on the spot. Yep Is there any way you could give us a taste of what you've been composing today or even the song you wrote yesterday? I mean, I don't want to like let everything out. Yeah, I don't like yeah

it's kind of like You you play the trailer of your film, but you don't want to yeah show all your best scene sure You know, well, sure. Look, I don't want to pressure you like I said I mean, I'm gonna give you like a taste. Okay Wow You just wrote that. Well, that's one. I mean, that's just one. Wow basically I'm working on those I think I felt that piece in my heart I mean, I've got tears in my eyes

I don't even see my eyes I can see it but that happens whenever I do it to anybody That's why I don't react really I'm used to it. What is that piece called? It's no name for it. Wow. It's really good. How do you name a you know a sunset? Yeah, there's a sunset sunset Yeah It was really good. Thank you for that Before we begin anything. Mm-hmm, which braxton are you today? Um, I feel like I'm really positive today. I'm not hearing that background noise

I'm moving forward and I'm happy with where I'm going and I see a lot of opportunities So I'm tony. Wow Powerful day today tony braxton using real cheerful. Who are you today? You know, it's funny. I feel similar. I feel like I got my stuff together But I don't need to be in the spotlight so much today. I feel like I'm kind of hibernating because it's dark out Um, can I guess? Yeah, are you twanda? Yes? Wow Family values And if you're singing along at home, yep, the key is to put your hand to your right ear as you sing that last note

I can hear the tony now I can hear it goes tone 18. Yeah, yeah tone. Yeah very low Yeah, as if she doesn't want to be affiliated with the show it goes ordinary family I used to train to want to tell you my miss e will teach you what they are to Oh, I just got a crazy idea. Go ahead. What if The braxton girls heard the song i'm working on Uh, wow Talk about serendipity. Yeah, do you think they tony would want to produce that or work on it?

Um, I think they might be like you better get your life girl get your life. You better get your life Get your life What's the tea that's the tea don't don't shade don't don't that's the new one this season don't don't shade don't don't shade And then they said that uh, that's the tea. They said tamo was on that new new. So she thinks she knows everything that new new I like that Tamo on that new new thinks, you know everything. Yeah, she's a new star. Yeah, I'm from far right, right, right She all crazy. I like um when it was a who threw the party in the episode. We just saw um

Trina Trina and she's like nobody was to help me with my party. Whoa. Did you like that? You got to start doing trina braxton impressions Nobody was to hit me with my party party. It's like i'm in the house alone in the house In the house alone and like I want to have a party and nobody wants to help me out my party You want to know I know you hate sports and whenever I talk sports sure you want to know something crazy I don't hate all all the things you talk about. Um, I was watching the florida georgia football game on saturday It's a college football game Florida's having a lot of trouble this year and they had to start a new quarterback Trayon harris. Do you know who?

Trayon harris's father is I bet you don't Tracey braxton. No, this is Trayon harris's father Shut your mouth. This is big time. No way. No, it's no No, is that because he's a fan of your mom's house? It could be It could be Wow, you got to be kidding me. No, coach ice. Coach ice is the starting Florida quarterback's father who now by the way, see I've been out of it a little bit. Um

He used to be the co-head coach at miami northwestern high school Then he went on to be the head coach at booker t washington high school They won a couple state championships and he's now the running backs coach at the university of miami So he used to be a high school now. He's a college coach Which I find very exciting And if I were running back and I were being recruited and I met coach ice And he was like, I want you to come play for miami. I would be like coach I'm coming

That's crazy that that's his son That's his son son of that that imagine growing up with that that kind of heat on you to be perfect. Wow It's uh, I bet it's intense in the ice household. It's so crazy to say that but in the ice household, I mean, um He got yelled at he got yelled at for everything Oh, yeah, I mean for people. I don't know if they If uh, everybody who's listened to this show for a long time Remembers, but uh, there is an amazing Let's see if it's here or not. Where is the

See that you're not like an ordinary family Tanny tape See that be the fart or two about farting values Oh This is okay, this is the head so the quarterback of florida This is his dad Giving high school players a pregame speech. This is legendary to your mom's house listeners But you know, we picked up a lot of listeners over the years

So they may not have heard this enough. You know, here we go face of my house disrespect than me I gotta do something about it. My family right there, bro I gotta protect my mama. My mom is sitting in the stands man. Your parents sitting right there There's your house man Your mom in the fucking stand to try to disrespect me in my house and grab a fucking Grab a fucking remote control That's exactly what they did. They come in your house grab a fucking remote control Derek Willis and control your fucking tv

And your mom out He didn't they can't run it out Put on the son shit you got on It's like fuck you That's your dad I know now we should point out shit you got on that he's he has another son in the nfl So this is not like new that he has an athletic kid Well, I'll tell you what this guy makes champions. He makes fucking good football players sure does sure does man

Um, yeah, so he's got he already has an nfl So his other son now coaches Booker t washington high. So yeah It's pretty, you know, there's something to be said for uh for these hard-ass parents You know as much as I bitch about uh my parents or my mom being a hard ass She did make me very disciplined that that level of uh of crazy Sometimes it works out good for people. Yeah Not in all ways, but You know what somebody else put up here so bad, uh on youtube

That we had paul f tomkins do that speech one time. That's right It's personal right here, bro This personal You in my face in my house Disrespecting me I gotta do something about it My family right there, bro

I gotta protect my mama My mama sitting in the stands man Your parents right there They're in your house, man Your mama's in the fucking stands They try to disrespect me in my house Grab the fucking grab the fucking

remote control That's exactly what they did They come in your house grab the fucking remote control derrick willis and control your fucking tv in your mother fucking house TV they came right in our house Put on the same shit and got on and said Fuck you That's amazing. That's amazing gripping paul f tomkins as coach tim lice harris. It's like it was like He must have studied coach harris for months. I gotta step in it was a cold read. Wow. Yeah

Wow, I remember Wow, I said have you just been studying him? He said no cold read. Wow. I mean it was like Watching the documentary it was I say it's a cold read and and you say that is crazy talk Like that is good stuff, huh? This is really good um So jeans, uh, we play we don't normally do this, but we played your college boyfriend as our opening clip

This is my Guy you live with you live with this guy for a few years. I don't really Can you play some more? I'm not sure I remember. I guess I guess boyfriend. He just got over you and he's now single again Okay, let's see if I can recognize I know I know I am still single I am single I love it the intonation on that I love it And I am looking for a girlfriend

Yes, I am looking for a girlfriend If you know a girl who is single, please tag her right now Because I want to go in a relationship with that girl. All right I want to go in the relationship with that girl if you know a girl who is single Tag her right now Because I am looking for a girl to go in the relationship I want a girl who can go to the movies with me hold hands with me have sex with me I am looking for a girl who can go in the relationship with me. Okay

So If you know a girl who's single, please tag her right now Because I am single. Okay, we got it. I want to date her I love him. I you know he's adorable. I will say that he's so cute. He used to talk like this in college and Yeah, yeah, yeah, people make fun of that. I normally don't like your ex-boyfriends, but he's an exception to it He's he was so sweet. This is Cameron And um He was sensitive

Very sensitive how many years with him? He used to do flower arrangements like you arrange flowers. Oh, I was with this guy for not very long like six months or so Oh, I thought it was like eight years No Different guy. I could see you with someone like this. I I would date this guy. He's so cute I go to mute movies a girl A girl a girlfriend a girl friend. He's an Aussie

Asian. Yeah, probably it sounds a little right relationship I want a girl who can't go to the movies with me hold hands with me. I have sex with me I am looking for a girl I love him. I love this kid I'll date him I'm single. I'm single. I'm ready to mingle Okay, date that guy all day. You're gonna want to be single out to you smell what I just let out of me Oh, thank you. I caught a whiff of it earlier when I was sitting here. Are you stewing in it? Yeah

Is it burning your eyes? It is brutal Shout out to kraton barrel. Um big thanks for letting my husband take a shit in your bathroom yesterday. Thanks kraton barrel There's nothing like a nice kraton barrel visit to Look at rooms you want to move into your house with and then shitting there a little known fact tom and I Uh, you know, it got it gets dark early now. It's kind of a it got dark early now. I got dark dark It got hey it got dark early now Um Thing is

I don't need you grammar. It got dark early people gets mad. They get over it. You know, they Realize stuff. I'm just high. I'm down the road people got dark. All right. Look. I'm tired right now I'm just not thinking so It's been getting dark early. And so we decided to go to kraton barrel to lift those seasonal blues right away Yes, and I got a brand new strainer for pasta, which is super dope. There's pretty much Pretty much the store what I was proposing was that we go How about we move into the store? I'm gonna love that in this section because you want the store all of it all of it, bro

It's really awesome anyways, uh, you were drinking your bar stocks and of course like clockwork You're like, I got to go to the bathroom And when you say I got to go to the bath That's how this distinction is if you have to pee you just go I got to take a piss when somebody says I have to go to the bathroom I think it usually means number two People don't want to mess up to it. It's a very interesting statement. You just made

Does I have to go to the bathroom? Mean I have to sit down and make more potty smells. Yeah, I don't know for you. It does. I know Do you think that's totally true for me? Yes. I think Yes That's really so first of all, did you use the employee bathroom because I don't know if there's a common Bathroom. Yeah, they have a they have a real nice one actually for regular people. Yeah for customers Okay, was it a single staller single? Well, no, there's a urinal and then a stall Okay, she can actually sit in peace. It was nice because that's an enormous handicraft stall

Okay, what's really neat about you and you've done this to me Almost every time we go out to eat or go somewhere like I'll be you'll be done eating I'm still eating and then you get up and leave and take a shit You've gotten ridiculous about this though. You've gotten ridiculous about how so because your reaction to it now is like If I go, I got a pee you're like, I'm eating and I'm like, well, I got a pee But I have to pee wait until I'm done. No, because you're like a fucking bird and I got a pee I'm all alone at the table eating alone like so what you're not like a you feel weird about that Yes, why I hate sitting and eating alone at a restaurant. It's for a minute. I'm going pee so weird

Everybody thinks I'm a fucking weird. Oh my god. You need to get over that. Everybody knows you need to get over that Everybody knows you're pooing. Why don't you get over that? Everybody knows you're taking a ship, buddy. I'm talking about pee. I pee all the time Whatever So you shouldn't crate and barrel you are ridiculous. You do it all the time You should at the crate and barrel Left me down there. Oh my god, seriously all the salespeople were like, are you alone? Ma'am. No, ma'am. Did your husband desert you?

Ma'am, did your husband leave? Where's he? Where has he been all this time? Are you done? Are you done or not? Are you done or not? I'm done Your complaint is ridiculous. Yeah as the judge. I dismiss your case. Wow I completely dismiss it. But then we came home and then you browned again, right? Well, yeah, but I also farted all night. It was a fart parade. I've never farted that much Man You're farting a lot. It was a combination of things. My thing

Was that it was like I had a protein shake. Yeah And then I also had I should learn my you know when certain foods Always make you fart or shit You know, you're like, oh, whenever I have that. Yes, of course your your shit-trigger foods those, uh Those wraps Those wraps from barstux make me fart or shit every time Every time but you still yeah, you still order them

Yeah, I don't order them as often though. I haven't had one in a while But yes, it reminded me like oh this thing is going to make you fucking shit your brains out It was bad. Why do you what's in it that's given you? I don't know. It's it's the spinach one. It's got spinach I don't know man. Plus they They look like somebody sat on it Oh, it looks like somebody was like hey, you got to wipe that off your boot And then somebody wiped it and then they gave it to me And you just

That was crazy But we were so hungry and I got the gouda one with the egg and the bacon which I just love that one, man I I need to shit out. I was so hot when they give it to you. It's so hot The only cool part was that after I shit later on All night, I had crazy awesome farts That is nice. It's neat Because you were like, are you serious? And I was just like oh my gosh

And I kept farting big. Oh my gosh. Yeah, um My favorite thing that you've been doing to the starbucks employees. We do the drive through. Oh, yeah I love when you do it. You only do it to waitresses that don't speak english well Yeah, and I even knew it to fully fluent english american people Yesterday it was a guy and you go you go. Thanks jeans I Said mommy to the last I used to have a small coffee. Thanks, mommy

That is so much fun to call people mommy to the third world ones. I do gorgeous and beautiful So inappropriate Ma can I tell you I was bona fide by it. So funny. Remember we were supposed to oh right now by the way and every tuesday Don't forget how to be a grown-up on true tv. Yes, we're on it. Kira sultanovich greg fit Simmons al jackson Lana turner a couple other people whose name I care some of you guys have been um Writing us that you liked it. Uh, so please watch it's on true tv tuesday nights for the next now

14 weeks Wait, what were we saying? Oh, yeah, the waitress. Oh, so when I was meeting you at true for the last promo shoot and I was early I went to that restaurant on the corner out by the studio and It's it was a cuban place and I sat there and ordered and a guy came in he was like 50 16 he sat down behind me and the waitress came up and he goes. Thank you gorgeous I was like, uh, like it is so creepy to hear some guy Sincerely, yeah, they're like, thank you. Beautiful. It's such like an old guy thing to do. It's so lecherous and gross I'll have a bourbon police. Thanks gorgeous. Yeah, we finger your ass. Yeah, it really is. Why don't I finger you while I eat? Yeah

It's creepy to hear it's and like what would top dog Say to that though. He doesn't do that. He never was that guy. He never was gorgeous and beautiful. I didn't do that But what do you think he would he would like it that you're giving them a little sugar? You're like, thanks jeans. Oh, he would be like, what was that? Because he wouldn't know what I'm saying and I go, I said, thanks. What does that mean? I like I like I like the way Fell off that water. Oh, yeah I like the way you fill up that water

You like the way I fill up the water. Oh my god, seriously Yeah So wait, that's how he comes on to the waitresses, right? He's all I'm really like, um, I like the way that was his advice for like It was open multiple bank accounts and like hit on hit on bank tellers And then it was like, uh, I like the way you fill it that water Will you fill it up again like that for me? Can I fill you up until you basically but I think you know in his defense people will always tell you To go with what works for them. I think it worked for him. Yeah, of course

I think he was emptying his fucking bucket pretty often, you know It's so gross, babe And this is one of his uh girls, right? Yeah, I'm such an info. I mean, I just fucking swallowed a load Twice today and it's only like one o'clock two o'clock in the afternoon. What is that? Mm-hmm It's just I'm such an info. Is that is that jewels? No, no But she kind of had the it's happening We had uh this on the show a long time ago and I see it here

And I remember this girl was out of her fucking mind with with sex So let me ask you some personal stuff like how old when you first started having sex when did you lose your virginity? Um, I was 13. Yeah, but when I was 14, I was yeah sucking a bunch of guys off Oh, there's really crazy stuff like that. It's so it's like it's just I'm sure to her parents like her parents are proud Oh, Jesus. Why'd you have to go down that route? Can you just imagine that you have a kid and like, uh It's heartbreaking to hear a 14 year old girl Sucking all those dicks Yeah, well, you know since I was very young I used to hump on my girlfriends legs and come and suck their tits and come

Hmm that's kind of neat, but who hasn't done that Um, I don't know a lot. Sometimes people don't suck tits as much as they're supposed to No, I've been so I do the same thing Yeah, and like elementary school. So everybody was doing it. I mean, this is sexy too It's the best that is the one of my all-time favorite clips. I just That that keeps giving Yeah, it's pretty good. It's pretty good. I'm proud of myself. It's just out of ourself keeps on giving. I'm proud of myself I'm proud of myself

honestly It wasn't done tell I wasn't until and this goes for all the scenes almost all the scenes I wasn't until somebody was like You have two in you. You have three in you I was like, oh my god, this is I'm proud of myself. We did it pretty good

I love Jules Jules is awesome. When when is she coming back people? I know we had some scheduling We're going back and forth. She and I Um, because she was out of town for a long time. Now the holidays are coming. So it's it's a bit difficult Yeah, it's a bit Honestly It wasn't until And this is like this goes for almost all the moments in the scene. It wasn't until somebody was actually there telling me You have two in you or you have three in you that like it actually kind of clicked and I'm like, oh my god, this is actually happening

I'm proud of myself So amazing. It's amazing genes. We got um an update about Um, yeah, you're smart, but also those are fun Um, yeah, you're smart, but these sales are final. That's smart and final people maybe you don't know that that the massive change smart and final we believed Or I should say Christina believed that

Was established because the The owners thought it would be nice to tell people. Yeah, you're smart for coming here But still all sales are final There's no I thought there's no return or exchanges That's what that title would imply that it's like a smart and then it's final dude. These these deals are final Like you can't bring them back. So no receipts at smart. It was like it was like, um somebody successful father left them in charge

and they were I like We could tell people that they're smart But I don't but all sales are final So it's smart and final It's a really good business model. I mean, first of all, you're complimenting the customers And secondly, you don't have to process returns. You don't have to deal with people returning the merch. You know what I'm saying? Yeah filming on time out

Um, so we got this and from the listener It says you're not going to believe this but smart and finals actually named after two guys What? J s smart and hd final seriously Not joking. No here is an excerpt from smart and finals website Uh on a parallel basis the santa anna grocery company, which was founded in 1912 and mainly supplied feed and grain to local Farmers was sold in 1914 to j s jim smart a banker from sagana Uh michigan jim was then joined by parsher by partner hd hill dane final

And the company changed their name to smart and final whole hill grocers the business Relocated near the docks in san pedro and immediately Prospered by 1919 sales surge to 10 million dollars Wow, that doesn't it still sounds fake Yeah Jim smart and fucking harry final seriously. Have you ever met anybody with the last name final? No, no It's wrong. It's just wrong. Is this guy fucking with us? I feel like I have to look it up looking up

I I hope I stand by my theory of how they named the store. There you go I've never been in that store because I never knew what the fuck they sold I seriously thought it was just like paper clips and um, uh like office depot-y stuff You know not food. I would never think in a billion years something called smart and final was a food place Dude, what bro? It's correct. No way bro. What was founded by Herman helman and jacob haas and bernard kohn as the helman haas grocery company Purchased by abraham haas And renamed haas or whatever. Okay

But in 1912 mainly Jim smart the banker And ht hildain final bought the company. Jesus There you go smart and the mystery is solved So it's the real disappointing thing is that it's not. Yeah, you're smart for coming here And all sales are final they should consider changing Uh the slogan and then I saw I absolutely agree then I drove by a smart and final extra Which I thought they were just trying to play on. Yeah, you're extra smart for coming here

It's like the gifted. It's the mensa of the smart like you're really gifted if you come here Yeah, like you're not even allowed here without a membership card. Yeah, you gotta be real smart You all be real smart come here But we just want to clear up All sales are still final So stupid, uh, tell me more about cameron. You can go in the relationship with me So so if you know a girl who's single, please tag her right now Because I am single and I want to date her. Oh, I date him. You would he is so cute

Speaking of single, um, how much anxiety did jeff take give us when he was talking about his life pretty significant amount What happened What happened? Oh, it smells bad, huh? What did you eat today? What caught what what caused this? I know what it is bro. It's these shakes you're drinking Oh, yeah, it's these stinky shakes is because you've got all kinds of powders and shit in them. Yeah, they're what's what he what's in that powder? I forget. I bet you it's like high fiber

Fartmakes. Yeah, it's a fart shake jeffrey tate Made me nervous. Yeah When he was talking about his life just a life just living life What part gave me the most it was like I woke up for this I got to get my cars and say how'd you get I borrowed a car From somebody I drove down here. I got to get the car back. I got a flight in the morning I think I go here There's a show at some point somewhere and then I go to this other city and then these other things happen

And I don't know where I'm staying. I don't know where I'm going. I was like I would have a fucking panic attack Yeah, I need I I personally need to have stuff planned out a little more I like I also like to know kind of Like I like to know what I'm gonna eat for dinner. Yeah, like I don't I don't like to I don't really just Wait for the biological function to kick in and then go it's like it's kind of like Not buying toilet paper until you have to shit Right, you're like, uh, I got all this shit on my butt. I don't have toilet paper. I should go buy some now It's funny. You know what that is though that whole

Like not planning stuff and you know what that is. It's that hot dogs and Gatorade lifestyle Which is what what I was telling him has got to be his brand. He's got oh, oh He's got to write the book. He's got to get the site It's about that lifestyle. It's like P. Diddy's like about that sorok and pig ratings. Yeah, you should be like, well, that's all good I'm about that hot those hot dogs Gatorade. You're right. You know what? We're just looking at this the wrong way Yeah, we need to be celebrating Jeff's counting life. Hey, you know what? I think I got a show in Detroit Wednesday

But if I don't I'm just gonna eat a hot dog wash it down with a Gatorade and fucking move on That's what it's about. Yeah That's why you got to admire it. Yeah, I like him only drinking the red kind though Somebody sent a poster of him on twitter, but it was like orange. It's wrong. It's red red always red people have their flavors Yeah, I hate it in uh In I was at high school when somebody like I'll get you a Gatorade and they brought me like lemon lime or something That's my favorite one. We talked about bro. It's my favorite flavor. That's my jam Nah, dude, if you brought me an orange one it were purple. I'd be so mad. I didn't like lime or orange

I liked red and purple. Those are my shits. Those are jams. Yeah. What about the blue? I'll drink the blue too, but I'm I like the old school. I like the g2 now because The regular the like a regular Gatorade's too too sweet now So they made like a little bit less sweet one But I also can't do more than the 20 ounce and I can't drink them Uh Just casually anymore. I have to either be so hot and thirsty. I feel like I'm gonna die Or like, you know

Some like at the workout. It's got to be cold. The Gatorade's got to be really cold. Oh, there's nothing grosser than warm Gatorade or room temperature It's got to be ice cold. Yeah, and you I can't have it like I'll just have a Gatorade instead of You know, it's got to be like the moment for it now. Yeah, I feel like it is like There is that person that just drinks Gatorade all day every day like it's their drink. Of course. Yeah That's what he has instead of water But hey just in case just I want to point this out Gatorade for people that don't know he is such a good comic If you don't know get on your Pandora

Go on itunes and get these guys out. He's a such a funny comic. Did you hear that? Yeah, you farted and it registered. Yeah. Yeah, he is hilarious. He's very talented. He's very funny He's a very kind wonderful soul. Yeah, he's a good. He's one of the good guys. He is one of the good guys You don't meet a lot of good guys. He's a good guy. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, he's uh, you know Do you do you know how much that it's loaded with sugar that Gatorade though? Oh, yeah, it's so sugary That's what you're drinking. You're drinking sugar water. Yeah, and like but it's got electric electrolyte and you can drink people don't know You can drink Gatorade

at the wrong basically time And you can dehydrate more for real though. Yeah. I mean the whole thing about like sodium is you're supposed to have it Before you do the crazy activity the the dehydrating activity. So it's basically sodium water and with sugar You know back in the day they would take salt tablets and it's always like, you know the night before kind of thing Gotcha, but if you're already dehydrating you drink that you're just going to dehydrate more. Yeah Good to know. Yeah, um

Are you holding it down? I'm trying I don't do you love your mama Mama you love your mama. I do. I do. Do you love your mama? I love you Yes, you want to sing a song about it? Love to let's do it Oh That's the best thing I've ever heard that's anthony hamilton Um backstage with some of his background singers

Singing like a fucking choir to uh P.o.p. Holding it down. Mama. I love you the only thing I wish they would have thrown in there Maybe they do it's just not in the video is Just throwing a little pimp squad shout out. It's really good, but they did p.o.p. Yeah, mama. I love you. I heard in the background holding it down I love that. Yeah, it's good. That's amazing. That is amazing classic shit song classic shit classic genes you know Let's see. Oh, it was not somebody else

P.o.p. Holding it down. Oh, is somebody else made a uh, is this a longer version of it? There should be a fucking 10 minute version of what we just heard Yeah, look here if you're gonna do it you might as well go ahead and do it all the way Anthony hamilton p.o.p. Hold it down mama. I love you With some quartet bass in there all my quartet heads understand You know, it ain't gonna be no song if that bass not in there. Okay. All right, let's go Wow That is so good except all you know such a

Oh He's playing them on a speaker. Oh, right. So you can't really It's pretty amazing. It's great. It's great. It's great You know what though? I feel like your songs aren't that far off from what these guys are doing far off Okay, I'm sorry. It's it's just as good It's fucking amazing. It's amazing. Mama. Love me. Mama. I love you Well, you just sang that it's so good saying it saying it sang it there's sung it to the sang it Singing it and there's all kinds of people giving shout outs this week. Shout out to all the pair

The pairs ate us ate us ate us. There's an echo on that. Yeah. Yeah It's an accident. I didn't mean to I was okay. I forgot what fruit hat, you know, taste it like All right Poor officer. I forgot what You know taste it like He is getting lighter though. He is I saw a photo. Yeah, he's really getting lighter. Thank god His tits are fucking huge He got them big old salami tits. You know what I'm saying? You feel me?

Yeah, he still has he still has in that pair video. He's already losing weight and he's got big old sloppy tits But they're not wait. They're not salamis. They're like Yeah, they're like darker than salami. What would you call his tits? Oh darker cucumber tits. Yeah Outside of a cucumber is dark. Yeah Yeah We got to talk about it dude

So Halloween, um, I'm a huge fan of Halloween. Obviously. I was goth for seven years of my life And we don't dress up or go out just because you know, that's it's so much work But I drag raid the house which I love to do Um, so Tommy and I went to go see that movie Go on girl go on girl go on girl Go on girl Beniflack

Yeah, I mean some people are calling it gone girl. Not us. No, it's gone girl. Uh, and that's how we that's how we bought the ticket too That's how you set it you go Go on girl and uh And she goes gone girl Yeah, yeah And then I said bitch you dumb bitch And then she's like, okay like you said it wrong What is this?

This is a theme from go on girl. Yeah Beniflack is a dick. Oh You think he's a dick? Yes Thinking me Yep What is this, babe? I don't know. Let's find out hold on Wait a second. I think you're gonna like it Here we go

Just tell you your style Here we go Don't worry about me Hold on One time Let's do it That's ridiculous. Yep Well, I was hoping that that movie would be about like an inspirational story about a woman getting her groove back after divorcing

Go on girl. Go on girl. And that's what you wanted it to be That's what I thought that movie was gonna be about that and you did not kind of wasn't No, we saw a gone girl Uh, we saw go we saw a gone girl Wouldn't that be better marketing? Oh, yeah Gosh Starring beniflack beniflack and rose rosamund pike and

Some other motherfuckers too that are active You know what i'm saying if you want to talk about you know, tyler parry was in it and he Tyler parry was in it and he was not mediating at all. No, he was so good I think he was like the highlight for me in that movie. He was so funny. He did his thing Hey, i'm talking like so yummy. He didn't talk like that though. I know i'm just saying the movie was good I'm talking like so yummy. He was so good He was great. Uh solid film. It is a solid film. I don't give it Like

It's my favorite genre and by that I think some of our listeners know you know I'm a big fan of suspense. I like thrillers. I like psychological thrillers. I like political thrillers. I like crime thrillers Yeah, I like it all I would give it on a scale of how many jeans up would you give it? What's the most amount of jeans 10 jeans up? Yeah, I think you could give it about seven and a half jeans It's seven jeans and then one leg on your eighth pair Yeah, yeah, I agree with you. It's a solid film. Well constructed. Well acted well directed Everything's fantastic. Personally that type of story makes me bonkers. There's some holes for me

But i'm not in the jeans that you're not So How does that mic smell? Oh Oh and it's knees, huh? allergic to that fart Oh, it's it's got to smell horrendous over there right now. It's not good. The mic is all covered in your fart Oh, do you smell it? Gross like I don't want to do I don't want to be the one

That spoils it for you. So we're not going to do a full full spoiler go on girl for a go on girl Spoiler alert spoiler alert. We could really ruin it for you and we want you to see go on girl We're not going to do that, but I will say Um That I don't I just didn't buy into certain things There was there was the not believable even though you lose yourself in the film In that's what you're supposed to do in movies, you know, kind of Scared there's things around like I'm just not buying that extent of it, you know too far-fetched in certain things

But the best part we did agree on Was seeing a certain pair of pepperoni tits. Yeah A lot there was a it was striking. There's a scene where beniflack Makes out with this girl And um, you don't want to say anything about her. No, but do she takes her it's so gratuitous It's so funny because now as an adult, you know when nudity is gratuitous as shit You're like, there's no reason for her tits to be out in this film whatsoever

But she took her shirt off and I was like oh her dress and I was like whoa, dude And she had first of all, she had big nice hangers. She didn't big naturals But the the nipples were so pepperoni ish She had total pepperoni tits and on a huge screen like that I mean, it just made everybody What tom hungry for pizza? Emily rata jowsky, right? She lets him hang out. Yeah, and Her tits are like she said they're big they're natty's Um, but those those big pepperoni nipples

Yeah distraction. I it distracted me from the film. It took me out. They did they make you want pepperoni And everybody in the theater saw those big saucers. They were like She's got a big full tits and I would say her nipples were over half the size of her tits Yes, and they were the areolas. You mean the areolas were yeah big big salamis big salami slappers And everybody in the theater at the same time at the same time her tits come out Affleck goes And he puts them in his valley. He sucks on her big huge nipples And then everybody in that theater at the same time goes

pizza Yeah, and everybody started talking about pizza We don't even know what happened in the next scene because we ordered a pizza in the theater for everybody to eat And everybody we all had pepperoni pizza in the third act of the film Yeah, which is kind of neat to bond with everybody and in the theaters and it was kind of a cool I don't know if they tied in promotionally like they go Your nips are gonna get people to think about pepperoni pizza. Well, it's totally subliminal But I think pizza hut wouldn't be maligned to use

Her tits maybe they have a thing going the pepperoni tits pizza. Are you ready for a new pepperoni pizza? It's time for pepperoni tits come on girl get your pepperoni girl go on girl They were very dark dark colored and big yeah the pepperoni and then I started texting friends What do you feel about big dark nips? Yeah my feeling? There's never a problem with a nip I don't care what you got. No, I think inverted. They're all beautiful outward. Yes tiny, yeah big Bologna tits soft hard skin tits any light dark

Just put those saucers in my mouth Yeah, I don't think there any you know, look, this is no value judgment on pepperonis We're just or hungry tits or hungry tits. We love hungry tits. We're huge fans Of hungry tits in this house too. You know feed them all of them. All its all titties are good Are we gonna is that gonna be the show or a song we're gonna what is that? Hungry tits? Yeah. Well, it's a dance that I We're walking on the beach tits dance. Yeah, are we gonna be able to talk about that on how to be a grown-up? I'd like to we got to talk to the producers hungry tits

She's got those hungry tits Now the thing is it's funny is um That girl like to get cast in that part. They're like so, okay, you're you know, you play this thing But you got you got to show your tits like it's so crazy that that's part of somebody's job So like you cool with your tits and then we googled her. She's really cool. She's really cool I think she's like she's like on the top of the of the the call sheet for like we need some tits in this thing Yeah Yeah, dude, I mean if you look at if you look her like for nude

I don't mean like private nude just like yeah photo shoot nude She looks like she has like at least 10 of them her kook goes everywhere on the internet dude. It's so crazy Um, remember what was that? It was the movie speed or something and like they were trying to get people out of this panic No, yeah, it's out of the elevator in speed. Oh, right. Maybe very beginning and it was so gratuitous Like the elevator before the bus. Yeah, and they pulled this woman out and they just flashed her panties and her butt Oh, you see your butt. Yeah, like that's cast like somebody That's the part they're like we see your ass and she had a great ass and good

Yeah, but that's her soul casting was like, can we see your ass in those panties? Great. Thanks next You know in the future you might be able to start a different film Go on girl, we should see movies more. I don't know why we don't I love movies Yeah, I love movies too. And then we watch one on netfrix That's great. If you guys have netfrix, you gotta watch My special completely normal. It's um We watch it every night every night. I watch my own special and I I keep rating it every single time And I write a review every night every night. No, this is on netflix

It's called your next and there are no big big names in it. No And it's such a cool movie. I really loved it I I liked it too. I don't usually like those kill kill kill movies, but it was really neatly done. It's such a cool It's so well done. Yeah, cool story twists. I love movie violence. Yeah, you know I do Well, yeah, I know I'm agreeing with you and you said well Well, because it's just serial killer violence movie violence violence against wives Specifically wife-killing movies. You really like wife-killing movies. You seem to really be violence against wives. Well, go on girl

When do I advocate that? Yeah Why do you say that? No, you just like it just seems like that was you're really into seeing go on girl Like you're because it's a wife. I got you. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's kind of ridiculous that you suggested it that way Go on girl. Go on girl it was It was it was great. You're next. Um, no, I'm saying like I love Tarantino

ask Violence because it's a movie and it's fun to see ridiculous You know violent shit that you don't you know, it's a movie and it's it's great And it looks like they you know, they they did it up for the film like Shit going through a guy's head. You know, like you I don't want to see that in real life, but in a movie It's fun to see. Yeah, that's why I always I never I don't side At all with people that are like these movies are making everybody lose their minds and

They're making people violent like no, they're not I agree. It's a movie Get get your shit together movies are fucking Hardcore fucking core. They are So oh mommy, I wanted to thank the nice lady that knitted me a crochet basket Yeah, left it in the next room with her name on it. I'm so sorry But thank you lady for giving that. I know what your name is on the thing. It's uh, it was minneapolis Yeah, thank you so much. And also we got some fantastic artwork From doc j back. That's how we know him. That's right

That's right. Um, it's pretty ridiculous what he did for us. He did yours. You're the virgin mary with fifo whose baby jesus It's so amazing. It's incredible Um Rick and jess. Thank you so so so much for our artwork and they did tom as the semen hole indian the profile Could you not disrespect that? It's it's so amazing his work. The paintings are just ridiculous. It is doc j back. They're right here on the uh Right in front of us. We're looking. I'm so thank you guys. Yeah, the logo. He painted me where I'm

The seminal so crazy and then my feather Says charge it to the game. It's so good. It's really fantastic. It's just so it's so it's so beautiful and astounding you can check it out by the way his Instagram is doc doc the letter j back b a c k um Yeah, it's on my instagram and he uh, oh he has christina's up there too. I love it And he has some amazing drawings and paintings To the best as he gave theo. He made theo the baby jesus with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth

It's so fucking funny. Yeah, that painting is so fucking hard. How do people do this? It's so hard Oh, shit. This is to make artwork. This is them right here. Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay. That's in uh fart lauderdale That's right. He was at the fart lauderdale show and then he also Came to my uh mom lando show. Did he come nine times? He came Nine nine times um I well, he's he's broke it up as a fart lauderdale time. He came Four times but in mom lando he came five times

I just had nine Rather powerful orgasmic sensations full of my entire body Hmm Hi foo. He's really wants my attention You know, I took him out to go make peachy and poops and he's like, yeah, what? Before we started this and now I feel like he has to go but What I go when I want to go like I know theo. Do you want to go or not in or out bro? I'll let you know

Yeah, but I feel like you've been letting me know and yes I I just don't know what to do with you anymore. Do you not? Yesterday let me ask you a question. Yeah, you gotta tell your shit right now No, when did you shit last this morning? How was it? It was great Did somebody walk you to the bathroom and put you there and say shit right now? No, but I'm also not a dog dogs. You just they smell poo and then they make poo. You're supposed to poo. What's the hold up, bro? I don't feel like it. Okay

Theo, I have two things to bring up with you. First of all last night You were sleeping with us and then you just got up and you took off What's going on? I had some business to go business Yeah, okay, like what? Like I had some shit to deal with that has nothing to do with you. Okay also

Really cool how you the other day Ran off ran into the neighbor's yard and started eating their cat's food And I only knew this because our neighbor was like Oh your dog is eating my cat's food and you came home and your breath smelled of a horrible cat food I mean look, we don't steal I didn't teach you that there's another time you poke in your shit where it don't need to be poked that cat Is three weeks behind

on payments. Mm-hmm. So what I do now is I remind her every day Is she she owes me money than I eat her food. She doesn't got shit to eat That's really violent Um, it ain't violent. It's just making a point Do you think maybe you could just talk to her? I did talk to her. I said pay me tomorrow. Bet you'll eat all your food again How much does she owe you? I'll make you all Cover it. Don't worry. You owe me too. You should be like, I don't eat your fucking food What do I owe you for shirts shirts? I saw that got restocked three times. Oh

That's my shirt Theo look No, you look I already Signed in to the bank account And I had it wired to my account. What? Yeah, I took my cut 85 percent 85 percent isn't that's a little too much. Don't you think? No, I don't think Theo that's ridiculous. You people like me. They want me to have the money Okay, nobody gives a fuck about either of you guys. Wow

Wow, okay Um, well, I'm gonna have to take that money back. Theo. It's not yours. I'm gonna eat all your food You can't get into the fridge mother fucker try I can build some shit to get up there. You can build some shit Yeah, Henry will build me some stairs. Okay He's a doberman Is this gonna be a regular thing that you're gonna eat the cat's food till she pays up Well in the meantime, I've got to keep the peace with my neighbor To get the money from her. Oh my god. $635. They're so unbelievable

They're so unbelievable. Do you like the groomer that we've been taking you to? She took Ole Miss in the Auburn game didn't work out. Okay Did you hear what I just asked you? Hmm. Do you like the groomer that we've been taking you to? Fuck that bitch Fuck that bitch. Why? I don't like the way she does nothing She's too rough with my fur You know, I like my hair to be long and curly at the end. Yeah She cuts it all short like I'm in a fucking military

But Theo that's part of getting you groomed is that we have to shorten it. I ain't no square Okay But is she nice to you? She ain't she talks too much Yeah, does that same stupid baby voice shit that you do. Yeah, it's because we love you I mean, you're adorable. You're the cutest little dyke. Yeah, I've ever seen I love you. Just get my money Get my smokes Get some hoes over here and now and again, we'll be all right

All right, Theo I'm trying to get a fucking drink around here by the way too Well, there's a reason you can't find it. It's because we've gotten rid of it You guys don't think I could get shit on my own You're gonna see a whole new blanket cabinet here when you come back from your fucking trip. Okay By the way, we are leaving you with a dog sitter on this trip. That's all right. Those motherfuckers owe me too By the time I see them I'm like motherfucking collect. I'm gonna eat all that food Please don't we have to take you back there and stuff. It's not good for anybody, Theo You're done, but you like your dog sitter, right? He's nice to you. Do you like him? He's all right

Hit me. He he a pushover. I can do whatever I want in his place. Yeah, okay Sometimes I pass it in his food To me favor just please try not to eat other cats foods or dogs foods Just behave yourself when we leave you with the dog. So I got two things to say to you Yeah, worry about what's in your bowl in our mind And never tell me when to shit again Well, how about you learn to shake? Tom's been working with you

And you're just not cooperating Is it that hard for you to make us happy with some tricks every now and then I got a trick for you I'm gonna lift my tail up and you put your face real close I'm gonna make a whistle from behind, you know, you like whistles. All right. I got a whistle for you. Listen. I still love you. I know You're uh deep down inside. You're a sweet little dog and tom and I still love you very much despite your Your flaws that caddy's right about now. I'm gonna go see you something in a bowl. Oh, Jesus. All right, Theo Just be quiet about it

I What are you doing? I mean I just I can't believe his attitude is just getting worse and worse the front door is open Are you serious? Yeah Oh, shit. He's gonna go eat the cat's food again. God damn it thief. I know and I just bought them too to replace the one that he ate He's just getting worse. I feel like we have to take him to counseling He doesn't like to listen though. No, there's no telling him what to do. No He does whatever he wants. He does whatever he wants

Well, that's it's depressing. I feel like we're getting nowhere Hey, what happened at Whole Foods? Whenever you told me the story, I want you to tell them the story. Oh, they're fucker So in our whole farts We go and there's certain, you know, there's like some stores have like moving displays like Like TJ's Trader Joe's here always has different stuff. Oh traders Joe. Thank you

They have different things like they'll be like, oh, this is this frozen treat now and this is this dip this week and You know, they they mix it up. Yeah at our at our whole farts. There's by the cheese station There's always the same crackers in a dome with tongs And the same cheddar. It's like a white cheddar diced up with tongs. They're all delicious selection Oh, yeah, but I'm just saying it's like they're constant. So you walk by You grab the tongue you grab a cracker and then the other dome you grab tongs and you grab A piece of cheese I'm shopping for us the other day. I walked by there

Fuck it. It's good. I grab a cracker With tongs and I grab a piece of cheese with tongs I put it on there and I pop it in my mouth and then I walk over to the wine which is right next to it I'm looking for a bottle of wine. I look back to those to the displays to the dome And what do I see? There's a woman. She's facing away from me. So I see her from behind Um, she's got long hair dark long-sleeve shirt jeans and I'm like, huh?

And I watch her and I see her and just I just kind of start looking at her and Her hair has some gray, you know, so she's a little bit older, but she's not an old lady, you know Um, so I watch her she reaches into the crackers With her hand the tong the tong is right there. No, she picks up a few of them throws some back Then she reaches into the cheese With her bare hands. Nope With her bare hands. Nope picks up some of those. Nope throws some of them back

You better get your life And then Eats and I go Did I just fucking see that like is this for real right now? so I wasn't even going to do this, but the wine was the last thing I was getting so I grabbed the wine and I go to

The register and it's just you know when something's just still playing in your head Of course, it's of course the guy saw me just like, you know incredulous like just I I'm putting this stuff on. He's like, what's up, man? I go. I just I can't believe what I just fucking saw He's like, what happened? I go this lady and then I see her. I go that fucking lady right there Did you say fucking I think so I was really I said fuck a lot when I was talking about it Yeah, I go she just reached her fucking hand in there Pick some up and then threw some back and he was like what?

So I go and then she did with the cheese and I kept saying like I just can't I can't fucking believe what I just saw So I go it's actually gross like you should probably have somebody You know, I'm not a crazy germaphobe, but I don't she's a crazy person. Yeah, you don't want to eat her disgusting hand cheese So he goes. Yeah, he goes james James and james working at the At the cheese counter and I like to already like the way james looks. He's kind of a big dude Um, he's got a hat on backwards and he has kind of like a no-nonsense just look to him He's like, what's up, man? And he goes this guy just saw her and then I see him telling him and he goes jesus christ

That's hilarious and then somebody else immediately like a manager goes james Like shakes their head like don't I just see him take the display down I you know all the mostly whole foods employees and traders joe employees are awesome Yeah, they're like they always pick really cool people to work at those stores I like I I find it's good. You know, I find that as well. What is up with that? They're smart. They hire really Cool people. It's an energy thing. You have to have it to work there. Yeah. Yeah, no super cunts really no super cunts huh

That should be there their Slogan no super cunts here no super cunts. You can't be a super cunt if you want to work here He is back again. I'm terrified of this dog. He's back here again. What's he doing? He's got a switchblade in his hand. Jesus christ. I can't believe he stole. He stole 85 percent of our t-shirt profits What that's what he said. What do you mean? The he logged into our accounts and stole 85 that's his cut. He said of the t-shirt 85 he's out of 15 percent. Yeah, that's ridiculous. He is out of his mind. I I don't know what to do You can't have 85 no, I know he's crazy

He's a tyrant. I mean, he's just he's he's destroying everything. I don't know what to do I gotta take him to a counselor or something. He needs to see a therapist. That's so angry Did you tell him that that's not a fair split? I mean, there's no reasoning with him tom You know how he gets he gets so greedy and scary I get afraid of him. I mean, he's he's you know, 12 pounds, but he's really scary and He sleeps on our bed. You know what I mean? He's got that knife Yeah, you know the other night I uh, I'll sleep with that

I said, uh, can you sleep in another room and I took him to the other room And then in the middle of the night, I woke up to go to the bathroom Yeah, and he was just sitting at the end of the bed looking at me And I was like, what are you doing man? And he was like, how about you sleep in the other room? Oh boy Yeah, he's really out of control He's been licking his genitals non-stop too and just in front of everything Um, I think yeah, this Miami beach somebody recorded themselves talking to a cop

And uh, I just you know, confrontation is always great for audio. Of course. You want some? Yep But it would be bent up in the upward position not up in the tucked word position itself also, so okay Have a good day get out of my face before I decide that this might be not the best judgment You have a great day too, sir. Trust me. I will. God bless you You know what? What? You want to be a sarcastic bitch? I'll be fucking a bigger bitch You're fucking with the wrong dude, bro. I've been here longer than you fucking been alive

I put up with more shit than you can ever think of So if you want to test me again, you'll be finding dade county jail real fucking hunky dory tonight Which part do you want to fucking play? Which part do you want to play, sir? I'd like to go to work, sir Then don't be a fucking little wise ass 20 year old punk McLeod's the name m-a-c-l-e-o-d Scottish spelling. It's also on the bottom of your tickets if you don't like it Thank you Oh

Whoa, oh my cloud. Do you think he's like the rest of the cops? What do you mean? You know Is he does he have hair or? Oh, is he a fucking cop? I got what you're saying. I don't know man Um, he's no. He's not like other cops He's not he's not like all the other cops. He's different Some cops are different and he's different for sure

Um What do you think of the audio though? I mean, is he bald and shit? I know cops are all bald and shit. Thank you. It's what I wanted to hear I'm saying though that he isn't oh, I think it's pretty standard Cops are all bald and shit. I feel like cops are a lot of cops are like this guy. I gotta tell you though I um I think he's you know, he's a little hot under the collar Yeah, I'm never smart ass to cops dude. I never think it's a good move. No way

I mean, God, Theo's really trying to get my attention. No, dude. I never smart out like No, like the guy's obviously fired up. No way. I feel like um He could probably handle it better the cop, you know, but uh When you when you go like you have a good day and god bless you No, I did Listen, I grew up with la pd with the fucking rampart scandal with rodney king beatings. I don't sass cops No, no way No, I mean and if you're white you have no reason to sass a cop. No, they're here to help us. Yeah

So I don't want to hear it You're white just be polite and everything's gonna be fine. Yeah, don't don't sass the popo if you're black or tan or dark or You're just outside for a while You have different set of standards But if you're a fucking Dude, just be look

Just be cool. Always try to be as honest as possible. I found when I get pulled over honesty Yes, I fucked up. I did this blah blah. Here's the ridiculous thing is when people are like, yeah, but you know It's another person and he should respect me too. You don't get it. If that's what you're waiting for for like To get the equal amount of respect all the time and he should talk to you exactly you don't get it like Put your fucking pride aside understand that there is a power

swing going on that whole time and the leverage is all on their side and You know try to not get a ticket Yeah, dude, it's like nuns like when I was in high school Talked by Catholic nuns You can't sass back. You can't sass the nun the nun. You can't sass a cop Can't sass a judge. They have they hold all the cards whoever holds the cards

Yeah, all of them. Do you ever got a warning before? From a cop instead of a ticket. Yes, where you polite before the warning most definitely It's how you it's how you get it. Yeah. Now again, if you're black, this doesn't apply to you Well, they get fucked with yeah They have a different world. It's terrible And um, it's not fair, but listen White people you gotta understand cops are all bold and shit. Listen. Why can I tell you something? What? I had a bunch of people Say

Oh, he's saying cops are bold. No, it's super. You gotta watch the video if you think he's saying bold You're big fucking dummy. Oh, jeez. He's talking bald. He's talking about hair right before it plays cops are all bold and shit They're all fucking bald and shit fucking cops are fucking bald He is right. He is right. He has a point It's true cops are all bald But this guy is kind of a hot-head asshole, isn't he? Well, of course You know what though in Miami-Dade County jail To defend the cops and I know it's unpopular to do so but

Imagine dealing with fucking all the scum fuck screw heads fairies dopers someday real right? I mean imagine. No, it sucks all day. That's what you're dealing with. It's just wife beaters drunks Lunatics you're dealing with pieces of shit pieces of shit. I mean if I would I can easily see myself Turning into that I could easily that's probably why I don't fucking I don't fuck with jobs like that Should he put me on the road too long and I've lose my mind at a heckler. They have Look, I've said it before but it's a two-way thing Cops a lot of cops that are bald need to have a better relationship with their communities And there's some bad ones, but there's good ones and some of the good ones

They have to deal with horrific people. Are you done there? What am I doing? You've been digging in your nose this whole Is it all right? You know what you need a nail That would that would get rid of this problem bro, dude. I see it. It's scrongy Just get in there man, let me see it. I feel like there's one on the right nostril there Your other right my right It's intense. Oh, it's so in there, huh? I think I'm all right No, I I really do feel like though

That you sometimes you gotta you gotta I I'm not an advocate for police brutality or abuse or any of that shit But sometimes dude, you gotta fucking be respectful to the law. Yeah, you have to you. Okay. I have to most of the time, dude Even if you're even if you're in the right and they're fucking exactly you just got it You just got to suck it up. Are you gonna fucking talk to a judge like that? Hell to the who's like i'm in charge with what's gonna happen to your life right now Yeah, you pissed that guy off. Yeah, no way maximum sentence Yeah, it's not I mean here we go. Here's this fucking. Okay Have a good day get out of my face before I decide that this might be not the best judgment

You have a great day too, sir. I will god bless you Don't do it, dude Yeah, because what's your payoff you've sassed a cop like just save it don't You know what I've realized is that So many people are fucking mentally ill that we come in contact with every day Do you know how many people out there are sick fucks angry people people that beat their children? molest dogs Are animals these are the people that you drive next to every day you stand behind

In lines at mcdonald's and and the bank and all that shit. You know what I mean? Like it's so tenuous the the social fabric is so fucking tenuous It it can descend into chaos at any moment. Why piss off strangers like don't even I try not to even engage I try not to even make eye contact with people now at this point in my life Don't even fucking look at me. Well when I go on the beach. I walk I just I just eyes ahead man. Don't even don't even fucking talk to me. It's not worth it It's just not worth it people are crazy people. Everybody's fucking angry and crazy and on drugs. It's my father used to say Everybody is everybody's on fucking drugs, man

Don't don't don't even engage not even the good drugs. No no if everybody were on pot This would be a much different situation. We need more weed people all cranked up speed it up I find that um, Jesus most cops that I talked to All are for legalization of weed ever. Oh, yeah, yeah, because the waste of their time It's a total realize it's fucking ridiculous. Well, the whole war on drugs is so fucking stupid I mean, are we really wasting time with adults doing drugs? Come on Whole thing is is fucking ridiculous. I know stupid the drugs should be for for the people, right? All the drugs all for the children

Yep. All right, we gotta run We gotta eat All right, how's that nose picking clean? I want to do it more I want to do it more get in there. I did in the shower. Isn't it in the basket shower to blow your nose and you get it on your hand Yep, just hold it under the water. It's like free because it there's no tissue. It's like a freebie freebie knots Yeah, it's it's really really fun. Yeah, and you see it. You're like it's massive Yeah, and the water hits it and you're I love getting good boogers. I just love it. It's such a good Everybody picks like Jay Larson said to me he goes everybody picks bro. Everybody asks you, right? It's so fun. So rewarding

but don't eat Pick but the fact that no someone needs to say don't eat I used to I try to fucking wrap my head around the fact that some people it's so disgusting to me I never ever ever I want to vomit at the suggestion As an adult you should never eat as a kid. You just eat them. Oh, I'm gonna puke I'm gonna puke Jeans, we hope you come out

Seattle, Portland and chicago tasty boogers Salty and crunchy. All right. I'm gonna fucking. I'm really gonna gag. Um, I'm gonna mute you and uh your mom's house podcast.com Jeans, please Has all the stuff clips from the show visit our store And please come and see me next week in the dirty dirty

Nolans, houston Dallas, Oklahoma city That's it for us. We love you guys. Thanks for listening. Bye guys Oh my gosh Oh my god Yeah That's not bad. Not bad at all. Not bad at all.