Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 270-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 3, 2014

Are ya'll ready for some slick stuff? Cool stuff? NEAT stuff? What about RAW stuff? Well, you're gonna get it cause we're breaking down these walls between us and we like that! Are you done wiping the vomit from the rim of your mouth? Good. Now get ready to puke again when Garth Brooks speaks and is genuine about "having a conversation" with you.  We get "Country" on this one, but it isn't all bad. We actually like some of your backwoods, incestuous anthems. Plus Theo must face the fact that he's named after an accused serial rapists TV son. And that ain't gonna fly, Jack! We must give him a NEW name OR can we simply call him by his BIRTH NAME?!?! You mean he has one? Yup.  This episode is LOADED. Jeans UP!!  

That's how it goes We're into Diane von Posenberg today we are watching that show House of DVF we'll talk about it so many High quality shows Only the best it's funny we do watch only the dumbest shows in our house And I actually have a sense of pride. I used to have shame No, I have a sense of pride about what I haven't seen. Yes people. I remember for the long They're like, you see 30 Rock this week. I don't fucking watch 30 Rock and they're like, it's great and I go I don't care. Well, we didn't see bad. Nope. We didn't see breaking bad

What five years until five years after it was canceled you and I got into breaking bad. No, we well, yeah We didn't see any of it when it was we started watching it as it was going off the air So we weren't too late on that a lot of people did that though, but the big comedy that's the thing man When you do do comedy you can't fucking be I can't believe how many comedians Watch that much comedy. It's it's gotta be like when you're a nurse or a doctor and watching like Grey's Anatomy and just tearing your hair. I'll be like, that's not how that's not how you do that and I Mean Saraswati

Hey, how come there's no dental shows there should be a dental soap opera I got to fill this cavity stat How stupid would that be there would be really stupid teeth cleaning your teeth aren't cleaning up It's gonna be Hard to continue To keep the lie going. So I'm just going to admit it to all. Oh, whatever show you love. I don't fucking Especially comedy Yeah, it's me too when people are like do you watch? Yeah, three Rob. Do you watch how I met your mom?

Do you watch? I'm like, no, bro. It's always no Scandal don't know it Let's throw this out there real quick It's here This weekend I'm in Fartnix Phoenix Fartnix Stand-up live, which is downtown Phoenix It's a huge room and it's really became one of my favorites in the last couple years in Mama Zona. Yeah, it's beautiful

So, please do me a favor. I'm there Thursday Friday Saturday and Sunday. I brought my buddy Pat house from Philadelphia. He's with me House that's another show. I never watched never watch house, but Pat house you're gonna love He's with me and so is Paulie. What is his name? Is it Castillas? He's a great like he's a huge Twitter guy. He's actually doing the The MC sounds sounds Mexican. Yeah, yeah, he's Mexican, right? I'm talking about

No, no, I don't feel me, you know, I'm saying yeah, you do it Paulie Casillas. Yeah, no Paulie Pellegroso on Twitter. He's a huge girl. So huge Twitter following Paulie Casillas is his real name Well, that's Pellegros danger. That's right. He's doing the He's gonna be there emceeing and then Pat is with me so really excited about that next week Um December What is it 11? now before then even

December 10 through 11 12 13 Jeans is gonna be in fart turd Come come net a cunt come fart fur come net a cunt at the fart fur funny bone Please come I you know Hartford I feel like it's so far away. It is for the fuck is Hartford. I mean fucking far man What's the big city and come net a kid? Fartford Fartford's the major. I mean, it's one of them. I

Feel like it's like it's just if there's wilderness out there Listen, if you're a mommy, I beg of you come to Fartford and see me. Just let me know you're alive Let me know you're in the showroom for God's sakes. It really makes my life complete. There you go I just love knowing you guys are there then the next week I'm on the map again Come comedy cocks comedy comedy club San Francisco also known as cobs comedy club San Francisco

I'm only doing three days there December 18th, December 19th, and December 20th Then we have a little break for baby. Azure's got coming into the world again, and then new years Eve December 31st, of course in Austin Tejas, and then we have mom's then you think to me, okay? And then there's also shows on the second and third don't break my balls over new years Eve prices It's the way it goes The second and third are gonna be obviously cheaper tickets, but you don't have the fun of its new years

Mommy new year's jeans. We're gonna have new year's jeans. Yeah, and then I got a bunch of fucking dates Tom cigarette calm where I have I'm going to Indie I'm doing a show in Louisville. I got I'm going to fucking Syracuse Des Moines I'm all over the place And all that is on the 2015 calendar Tom cigarette calm get your tickets now bitch There's Des Moines that is French. Yeah. Yeah, Demo on them. What why don't how come it? How come it's a French name in Ireland? I have no idea good question No

Also, okay, look, let's look in January January 15th through 18th. I'm at the Pittsburgh Improv That's in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Yeah, not the other Pittsburgh. Where's the other one? Canada This is okay, Pennsylvania And also if you if you're in the man friend disco, I'm doing sketch fest January 30th and 31st sketch fest. It's primarily sketch comedians, but then they're stand up It's at the punchline. I think I'm headlining Both of those nights. I think

Check it out. Sure. Shuck it all. Oh, I don't want to steal someone else's routine That's it bros. Oh, oh, listen to that Steve bro. I've gone weekly with that show This last episode that dropped was with my friend Sarah Tiana and we discussed Love and let me tell you if you've ever had your heart broken listen to that episode It will we both cried on that show was ridiculous. Yeah, it was really crazy But it's awesome any good way Yeah All right, what else is going on?

You ready to do this? Yeah, man start this fucking show man I Guess it's official We're now on Facebook. I really wasn't sure about this at the start But then a friend of mine said something that just made all kinds of sense. She said think of it more as a conversation I like that But I'm already finding out on my own so it's wiping the walls out between you and me and I really like that It allows us into each other's worlds, or I guess in my case

hotel room When I think about things I want to post I want to post cool stuff slick stuff neat stuff But most of stuff I'm gonna post gonna be raw stuff like this It's just who I am So if this is truly a conversation then I say let the conversation begin Bring anyone loving to this I Jesus crispy cream Christ on a crotch rocket. Yeah, what the fuck is that can you even understand?

the levels of narcissism and I Can't even begin. I'm taking line by line like we gotta go the vomit that is still in my mouth He is so fucking gross. Oh My god, those of you who don't know who that was that was the very famous Garth Brooks. Yeah, how I mean this guy's so famous Isn't it weird when someone's that famous? You don't know one fucking song that they do it. Does he do shaky-brakey heart? No, of course not

That's not Garth Brooks. No, don't smell my farts shaky-brakey farts No, that's Miley Cyrus's dad Shed Billy Cyrus that the whole time I thought this asshole saying this dude. He is so fucking famous I know what's on he sings in a shirt list and Up next you know when defend her. Nope. Really? That's Toby Keith doing a cover of something Now that guy has barbecue places this guy That's Toby Keith's bar really bar and grill. I love this barbecue. I love I love my I love this bar

And then there's a I love this barbecue. Pinch my dick and squeeze my tits real hard. Yeah, that guy. Baby lock them door. Baby lock them door. Baby pinch my nuts and squeeze my dick real hard Who's that then? That's somebody that's old as shit. That's like a fucking 50 year old country song Yeah, that's been covered a bunch. Baby lock them door, but this asshole. I know nothing about yeah I remember the last I don't know a couple times. I was in Vegas He was at the win like he does like a special thing there He do you know that he did a character?

So he became so famous Garth Brooks has been famous for a long time and at one point he was like, I'm not Garth anymore I'm Chris Reigns or something and his parents are dead and it's a different Different artist. That's like Sasha fierce. Is that what they did? I Don't fucking know. Yeah, this new thing where he's he's just the grossest guy ever And I like that I liked it and then come all over my he was doing like Really deliberate voice stuff like that sounds real cool. Yeah You don't talk like that. Well, and especially for something that's supposed to be raw and impromptu It sounded awfully rehearsed. I sure did. I won't poop. I want to

Can't even can we please like yeah I guess he just got on he just was convinced to do social media. Yeah, so he also just started it. I'm so happy Thank God Instagram account. So this is oh, let's let's look at his first video Instagram Instagram. It's all on hashtag Ask Garth ask me anything. Okay. Hashtag happy hashtag Garth hashtag. Mr. Yearwood. Oh hashtag. You're it What the fuck it's like fucking dad boner nerd shit. He just did Like I'm getting on board with all the kids Hashtag. Oh look, so here he is. Okay, so Garth Brooks. He has 9,015 followers. Here's his if this is him. I love I love my fans and I love country music

I'm aiming for 10,000 followers. He's at 15,000 now Maybe this is the wrong Garth Brooks. It's uh, is it is it Garth underscore Brooks? No. Oh, well, there you go Yeah, it's just Garth Brooks one word That's the real Garth Real Garth Here he is baby luck. Oh here. Let's follow him. Mmm. Baby. Look my baby. Look my tits He's real proud of Trisha Yearwood in this tweet here Garth tweet. He even writes it Garth tweet So proud of you Trisha. Love love love me double tap if you've listened to Trisha

So here's this fucking disgusting video that he did again so gross That's a really good word is that he's yeah, he's just kind of grody and weird What is wrong with Garth Brooks? Let's try to figure this out. He's too famous I think fame on this level when you when you have people who scream musicians have this It's a different type of fame. Yeah, it's bananas level because you walk out on a stage and Thousands of people lose their minds. Yeah, and then they all they're always like you're amazing. You're like that's what it is Adoration on a level that's it's not it's not even healthy to be like this much It's not and nobody nobody puts them in check no one checks you ever like and no one ever says bad idea

No, never at this level. Does he have a wife? Do we know if he's like married? I have no fucking idea Well, I will say that I feel like we're judging him a little harsh because apparently he's a dad boner He's a dad boner a b. He's a huge fan of our show. What? Yeah. Okay. I just looked on his instagram It's uh, it's he's got an album or it's just a song called mom MOM It says mom will take its place beside if tomorrow never comes unanswered prayers and the dance. It's that strong love g So it's a song. Oh, it's a single Um called mom

Wow, so now I feel kind of guilty I feel kind of guilty. Oh my god. He's such a dad boner. Oh my god. Okay. Look look look at his images Okay, buck man against machine and he's got the arms crossed and he's got like a rope necklace He's got cool shades Oh How many albums you think you sold just a gazillion 68 million in counting Jesus no No, no, wait a minute that was

From I don't know a certain point the Beatles according to the world's top overall third. Oh, no. Yeah Sorry Brooks is one of one of the world's best-selling artists of all times having sold more than 190 million Records that includes album singles and video Baby, what we got to know what his his song is. What's his smash it? Well, here's how it breaks down He has he has released six albums that have achieved diamond status. I don't even know what the fuck that is I don't know those being garth Brooks, which went 10 times platinum. I think I think that means 10 No fences went 17 times platinum. Jeez rope in the world 14 times platinum The hits went 10 times

Sevens went 10 times Double live went 21 times platinum 21 million copies sold Uh, he has won several awards. Of course. Yeah, so wait, but but I'm guessing that it's mostly americans who fuck you Listen to country. So it's weird. It's not like a lat like, you know those latin artists or you're like, I don't know who the fuck that is But you're like, but most of the world A lot of people. Oh his dumb fucking wife is trisha yearwood. So that's who he was saying. Hey All right, so let's get more on this fucking fuckface. So

Brooks Garth Brooks graduated from Oklahoma State University where he starred on the track team. Okay He later completed his mba Oklahoma and Brooks married his college sweetheart songwriter sandy mall 1986 they met when garth Was a bouncer at a bar and she punched a hole in the bar wall Okay They separated in march 1999 sounds healthy and now it's in their plans to divorce october 9 2000

The divorce became final in 2001 Brooks and singer trisha yearwood began dating after Brooks divorce They married in 2005 at their home in oklahoma Working the second marriage for Brooks and the third for yearwood. They have homes in Goodlesville Goodlesville, Tennessee. I don't know malibu And port st lucy florida will primarily live on their ranch and owasso oklahoma a suburb of tulsa Until it was reported they would spend more time in Nashville now that his youngest daughter's graduating high school Uh 2000 he attempted to do any part of his liver to country music. Can what? What?

Oh, yeah, he was gonna do it to a friend. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, it was found to be incompatible. He probably knew that Yeah, that's what I would have done like is this person can they take my liver? No I'd like to deliver. I'd like to give you my liver right, but isn't it neat that that's public knowledge Like that's on his wikipedia. He's like, I would like to donate my liver to my best friend. Oh, I can't Oh, no, should be a favorite update my wiki to Go ahead and and talk about how I wanted to give old chris my liver In a surely stand up and you pinch my dick and pull my liver, but too bad it won't fit in you

Um Where is his fucking Weird thing this was the best thing ever his creepy video on facebook Hello facebook Hey facebook, we gonna do this I'm gonna I'm gonna he's all I'm gonna post up this neat. Well, I guess it's official. Oh, Jesus. We're now on facebook Wow, we who's the we plural We're the the garth team

Team garth. I really wasn't sure about this at the start But then a friend of mine said something they just made all kinds of sense She said think of it more as a conversation I like that. Oh boy the way that he smiles and says I like that It's the thing is that it's so phony. That's the thing. It's so inauthentic. Yes. I like that. I like that I don't I can't really see talking about myself, but you know I'm not I'm not one to talk about me. What am I just gonna say like I got a new thing out. I mean, they already know

Well garth, have you thought of it like a conversation? Do I like that? You mean like a back and forth like you say something I say something You know what garth likes the most because it's a one-sided conversation sure is he just gets to talk and talk Sing and put my goodness in my my liver out there and just everybody can just talk about He's so it's so creepy and inauthentic. That's it. It's just genuine. Yeah, it's not it's completely. It's such bull It's so weird. I like that. I'm gonna come on over She said think of it more as a conversation

A conversation. I like that. Oh, I bet you do but I'm already finding out on my own So it's wiping the walls out between you and me and I really like that What the fuck are you talking about? Wiping out the walls between you it was a pause and it was like it's wiping out the walls in between us And I really like that like I've wanted to connect with fans and there's been no fucking way Now I can't Shut the fuck up dude. Yeah I mean, I've been wanting to connect with people and it's like it's finally happening, bro

Gross beyond gross. Yeah. I remember we watched him on a Some show was it like on some entertainment tonight show and this poor woman had just battled cancer and it was like her wish to meet garth rucks and She was explaining her awful treatment and you know, she's healthy now. She's like, I just wanted Yeah, and then he he comes out the acoustic guitar and and he puts his arm around her and he's praising She's praising him like you're just so talk about your cancer treatment. Go ahead. Well, it was uh garth. It was very grueling Year long I started off with 10 rounds of k-a-p and

I'm sorry. I can't and then I and then I had chemotherapy twice a week for Six months My hair fell out and it's very painful and I lost So uh, it's good. That was a good story told. I really want to But the only party he pays attention to is when she starts praising him He really gets into that like he really focuses in on her finally. He stops playing and she's like

I just I think you're the most amazing man. I love your music each day of my life and he's like Now I'm listening to you. You know on my facebook page Go wipe out the walls in between us. I really like that Fuck you The most disgusting well, and it's the most contrived like he's not saying anything. I would rather drink a gallon of fucking cosby cocktails Then watch that video one more time. It's so disgusting course come

I love him wait, but I like when he's like i'ma post neat stuff. I'ma post cool stuff I'ma post groovy stuff like why What are you talking about dad? It's gonna be yeah I'ma post slick stuff Slick stuff neat stuff neat is the least creative way to describe You're a you're a fucking songwriter and i'ma post neat stuff and then Finally most of it's gonna be raw like this shit. Oh

That is raw It's slick. It's Nate and it's raw God Then it's really look I don't care for I don't know the guy's music I'm not shitting on this man's music. I'm sure he's totally a talented artist. Like I'm obviously he's got something going Yeah, he's gonna make it. He's gonna make it. Yeah, he's gonna buy a house somewhere, but the level of narcissism I mean could you imagine posting a video like that like you know friend of mine said tom sagura

You it's like it's like having a conversation. It's it's unbelievable. I like that. Oh my god What is his biggest song? We have to it looks like oh friends in low places. Is that it? I like that. So I got I got Is that is that how it goes that was good what you did, but I don't know There's this song dr. Laura played that I actually liked his country he goes let's talk about me Let's talk about mine All you talk about is you and he's complaining that his wife only talks about herself. It's pretty funny Um, let's talk about me me

I actually do like one song, but I think it's nostalgia. It takes me back Actually a few that are country songs that I'd like It's not this one. Is this growth bro. Oh, yeah, this is friends in low places. This is a huge song huge song. Yeah blame it all on my roots I showed up in boots proven you're black Last one to know Last one to show I was the last one you thought you'd see there

And I saw the surprise In the fear in his eyes And I took his glasses champagne I toasted you said honey, we may be through You'll never hear me complain Oh Places I know this song write this song. This is his I want to say it's a remake. I feel like it's a really old school country song It's a good song

It is, you know, I like Dolly Parton too. I know she's country Dolly Parton could take a shit and I would love the way it sounded. You know what song I saw the one I actually I like And only because I I do feel like it just you know when songs take you right to a place This takes me Garth Brooks Brooks's bedroom. It takes me to like right between his legs And he's showing me neat stuff and slick stuff and greasy stuff, but mostly raw stuff I like this country boy can't survive shit It's good, outlawed shit. You like it? I like it. Listen to this, listen.

Country boy can survive This is a real like salt of the earth jam, you know, yeah, I like anything that's real and people are telling the truth, you know This this reminds me of like This reminds me of high school Honestly when you were growing up in Oklahoma City No, this reminds me of high school in Florida like when I was chewing dip and hanging out with And chewing on guys dicks and like I'd have a dip and my lip on the right side and a dick in my left You dip. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god. I feel like a real I feel like a country guy

I want to hear this song. Yeah, you feel like you should fucking we should be having dust everywhere and wear boots and sitting on a Porch and you got that thing in your mouth like wow What's that called a ting-tongue? No, this makes me want to grab a rifle and go shoot shit Really? You know what this makes me want to do It really is Find some minorities and drag them behind me. Whoa. Whoa. What the fuck? What is that not right?

Just fine. No, I do want to drag behind my truck. I do want to like get a 12 pack Yeah, jump jump in a pickup go muddin with some super swampers and Maybe shoot some shit That kind of shit start a fire Tell a story, you know Makes me want to watch he ha play a banjo I don't like that stuff. That's it man. It's normal normal people shit

I kind of like that though. At least they sing about normal people shit, right? Everything's about life and love and But then but then nobody wants to hear garth brooks talk. That's the problem. That's the thing Maybe there's a reason he's not been on social media. Yeah Sing all you won't Yeah, that's what somebody needs to tell. Here's some new advice. Keep singing. Stop talking so much Yeah, because there are some people that you got to protect from themselves that acoustic shit by the way, too God damn it. Where the fuck were we? Damn it twice. God. Don't even talk about acoustic. We're at the store and we're in the green room Yeah

Somebody was tuning their guitar christ man, and then When we were chilling last week, right? Wasn't there a guy? Yeah, there was a guy strumming his guitar You know, you know an acoustic guitar to me says it's like, hey, I'm here to ruin your fun Are you guys here to party? Well, I'm gonna fuck that up. Everybody pay attention to me fuck this up for everyone Yeah, remember in college. Well, you having a good time. You know what sucks. Yeah, and then some asshole Brings his fucking guitar in there and because here's the thing about the acoustic guitar guy that nobody Wants to talk about when he's around is that You're not given the opportunity to not pay attention. Right. You're you're hostage. You are

hijacking a situation If you bring your guitar out, yes, because people don't get to go. Well, you know, I don't want a part of that I'm doing this over here Right, exactly. It's fucking louder than everything else in the room So everyone has to listen to your goddamn singing and strumming because you feel like kicking it off Oh, it's the worst. It's just the worst and the only thing worst Worst or what worse are shit just got way worse Worse than the guy at the party with the acoustic guitar is the guy with a harmonica. Oh for fuck's sake

What is that goddamn blues trowel Remember we were watching that blues trowel. It was at the end of the kingpin, right? Yeah in the kingpin Yeah, and we were like, oh, I remember this is a huge band. He's a fucking savant with that thing He's super talented, but then we were like, yeah, but this this is every song they have And then the harmonica starts up special microphones fucking harmonica Fucking asshole, and then and then they have that apparatus Yeah, yeah, that thing that thing that rests on your chest. Yeah, that brings the harmonica to your mouth

His harmonica smells like You think it smells good. So this was a blues troweler guy. He was he was a big boy Real big boy, but he lost it smells like a tgi friday's in his harmonica for sure That jack daniel's steak and shrimp is in his fucking harmonica. I like steak and shrimp. I like sauces It's sweet and air and splendor That acoustic nothing's worse than hearing somebody tune the acoustic guitar And they go So you get to hear the

And they're tuned up. It's the tunes and then kind of like murmured singing like what are you doing? Get ready for my song, man. No, we were at the airport. We were in airport. Yeah, yes That was at the seattle airport and some jagoff course seattle airport. Yeah, of course. Yeah Also, they got musicians in portland, too Oh, fuck is jimmy hendrix back from the dead because i'm sitting in seattle and i'm hearing some fucking strings from Right, is this cat stevens? Yeah, i mean It's barely tolerable for me. There's very few acoustic guitar songs. I can tolerate

I just hate it me fucking. That's why we're married That's why we're married But the harmonica is probably the it's the devils That's the worst is when you're like we were like hanging out this beautiful place In ohai and enjoying it and then like out of nowhere some guys like, you know what i'm gonna do. I'm gonna put on a show for you guys You know, like we're fucking weed out And we're having a conversation You asshole

I want to I think you should have to go I want to enter your guitar space And then you're volunteering. Yes to hear this. Yes, if you want to hear this go over here But don't fucking come to where I am. It's like mariachi's too mariachi's border on super annoying Oh my god. Yeah, like you're eating. You're just peacefully eating and then loud music by the way before I forget Uh, how to be grown up has a new time. It's got moved to thursdays. Okay. Is it 10 30 still? I think it's 10 30. Yeah, we are after the the carbon arrow effect On true tv and you guys I know some of you have written saying

You don't have cable. I think you can watch the full episodes on true tv dot com Reparts or clips of us all new thursdays 10 30 eastern 9 30 central. Let's see full episodes are They are available on true tv dot com just look how to be a grown up. They have episodes one Through five are all up and they really do let tom and I get away with murder on that show It's really fun. You we do the mommy dance. Uh, we've talked about fucking horrendous stuff that they actually let on Which is my beard smells like farts. Yes. Um, yeah, it's really fun. They're really my dominican busboy fantasy Is on there

I'm serious like sometimes. Yeah, I really want to fucking be country again Oh, I love it And you can't make a run I love it. It is a really rebellious. It's basically like fuck you if you don't like who I am. That's why I like this song I like it. Yeah. Thank you. We say grace and we say ma'am We got good manners. So fuck. Yeah, it really is. No, I like my shit I love it Man

I'm serious. I think next year I'm gonna go to tuscaloosa. I'm gonna fucking go to an alabama Football game and I'm gonna I'm gonna put a I'm gonna tie a boombox onto my hat And I'm just gonna have to play on repeat. Okay. How's everybody doing? Yep, you know, this is not I grew up in in LA. This is not my culture at all But I get it. Yeah, I get it. Listen. I grew up listening to john cougar melanchem I heard this First time with some red necks. Of course big time red necks in florida And a dude named hammer and I swear

And hammer yeah, that's amazing and uh And they and we were like just everybody had their fucking chew in and now how did you start dipping? How did that happen? Steve? Don't say his last no, so how old are you and and you see him doing it and you're like that looks awesome Oh, he got me into everything so like Uh, like, you know, I had never I had never seen dip chew into none of that I've never seen it. I've never seen it one time and I just started so I guess I'm a sophomore I got my driver's license Your sophomore in high school. Yeah

I thought this was college that you started dipping florida. I'm in high school. Get your life tommy. Okay So I tried smoking and I couldn't smoke cigarettes because I I didn't I really couldn't do it You really got to hate yourself to start smoking But I couldn't get through like I'd smoked weed and right, you know, I got it like you inhale But whenever I tried to inhale a cigarette, so I was like, I would just off my brains out. I couldn't do it It's poison. You're not that's what I'm saying. You really need to have a lot of self-hatred You gotta force it in years later. It came about and I could smoke fine but at the time

I couldn't and then like, you know, like some people don't know but like florida is is really just fucking country boys It's that's what it is. Especially when it the panhandle, right where border is alabama. Oh, yeah for sure But actually, you know, if you go fucking two miles inland anywhere from the state, it's just it's country It's scary. Some places are scary But so my buddy, um He was just like, do you dip bro? And uh, you know, no, bro do that fucking thing with the the can Right and I pinched it and I was like, what the fuck?

But what happened was right away that first time you get a crazy Buzz like remember the your first cigarette and you and you're like dizzy It's the best and I was like, is this what happens every time you dip Like you get so dizzy. You can't see like I thought I was fucking high out of my mind So I didn't do too well with it But then I got you know, I got into it and there's like a little burn that takes place Yeah, like you feel a burn. You're like you're punishing yourself and it feels well There's fiberglass in it little minuscule so it cuts your so that it enters your bloodstream more, you know

Cool. And then also like like cigarettes can make you shit. Yes. So you dip and you're like, I gotta take a shit so I used to go like when I got to be a senior I would go in the bathroom Get a spit cup. That's what you have to do. That's the grossest part of it. Of course. It's so disgusting Yeah, and take a dump and uh And with my dipping And then I just did it like recreationally, you know, it wasn't I wasn't how often were you dipping? I don't know man. No, it wasn't like multiple times a day

But I probably I was it sounds weird, but I was more like a social dipper It was like Man hanging out with people that do it all the time then I would take one, you know I would have a can but I would it would take me a long time to go through it And did your mother know you were dipping? Um, I not definitely not initially I feel like they found out at some point and they were just Beyond mortified because like it's so far from either one of their cultures like dad Why are you dipping? Nobody dips in our family. I'm fucking forward boy

So I uh, yeah, I ended up I ended up dipping quite a bit, but then I I broke away from it I was never it wasn't that hard to break away from that That is serious like for someone from california. Hello Serious california has a bunch of rednecks. We do like if you go an hour South an hour north of LA redneck or in length. Jesus. Yeah, dude. No, but I'm saying like Growing up nobody I knew dipped here's who I knew that dipped a guy that worked at the department of public safety The university of san francisco. He was a dispatcher and he was in the military

And that's the first time I had seen that spit cup. Yeah, and I was like, what the fuck are you doing because he would talk to me And then yeah, and I'm like, what the fuck it smells. It's gross And everybody by the way who dips for a while has spit cup incidents You forget that your spit cup is your spit cup. You think it's oh, oh god. Yeah, uh, you swig your your dip spit is like It's so disgusting and if you want to know what's really advanced for dipping Is that some dudes don't spit? Um, sorry, they don't so what do you just swallow it? It goes your stomach. Yeah Something to do because they built up such a tolerance to do it so much

Yeah, and then they get to be in one of those commercials like my lower jaws gone That is the neat part is that if you collect the really good at it you could be in that commercial be on television I loved smoking I loved it and I enjoyed it more I finally got into it after I hated myself enough. I really enjoyed that's the key to cigarette smoking is that you must Persevere you must hate yourself enough to keep pushing that smoke into your lungs. Let it burn

And know that you're killing yourself. It feels good. I loved it. There is something to be said too It sounds so cliche and stupid to say but You know, it does look cool. It looks it looks super fucking cool It does and it looks cool as shit. It gives you does give you something to do Yep, and for like, you know, if you're not like super social, it's just it's very fun to like it's the best It gives you like you're like i'm just stepping out for a smoke. Yep. Here's what it does smoking gives you something to do It gets you out of awful situations Uh, when I had a problem guess what smoking took away the problem took away my anxiety

Uh, kept me skinny that post meal cigarette was good. I wasn't a huge fan of that Honestly, I like that and I love I like buzzed the yeah That's where I like it. That was good. We're getting ripped on coffee when you get super jacked and then you had a cigarette That was the best for me. I like the post Set when I did a set and then smoked a cigarette. Oh, that was the best I like the preset when I'd be pacing in like an alleyway for years I smoked I changed smoke before sets and then after sets too. Yeah. Yeah. It felt really good It allows us into each other's worlds or I guess in my case hotel room. Oh boy

This seems so orchestrated. Yeah, it is allows us into other places My case It's not even how somebody like no It's not natural at all. I think about things I want to post. I want to post cool stuff slick stuff neat stuff Oh, but most of the stuff I'm going to post is going to be raw stuff like this. Yeah This is just who I am So if this is truly a conversation Then I say let the conversation begin. Oh my god

That's just the kind of guy I am guys just not you know, he reminds me of Your favorite Steven Seagal. He reminds me of that level of bullshittery and delusion It's totally delusional. He's at his fucking mind garden. Uh, this is this facebook You know in japan, they have a saying it's It means let the wind take you where it takes you You know what I thought about today I was listening to some kooky ramdas podcast and in the car and I was thinking of Steven seagal and he's like, you know as the Buddha says

And I'm like, oh my god, is that what I sound like? Am I fucking Steven seagal when I talk about I love that you say seagal. What's his name? What's his name? His name is Steven seagal seagal. It's not seagal as hungarian seagal every single day The human race produces around 70 billion farts meaning roughly 10 of those are yours But why doesn't your gas seem half as smelly as those around you? Why do you like the smell of our own farts? Hilarious as it may seem scientists have actually confirmed the fact that in blind smell tests We truly do find our own smells much more appealing than others

Wow, my smells are the best Your smells are not the best. Yes, they are the best smells. I do like my farts Your farts are the fucking worst. I do like them. I don't know why I like them so much, but they smell good to me They're horrible. No, they're not your farts are so gross They're so disgusting yesterday you farted in the room and it was like Catastrophic I had to light a match um I feel like I'm like the

The guy who has nice farts and everybody else has mean farts, you know mostly I have just You know raw farts I'm gonna post neat stuff and then cool stuff, but mostly raw stuff raw stuff like this right here Oh Yeah, Garth Brooks needs to learn but we got to keep an eye on him. I feel like there's a lot of good stuff That's gonna come there's gonna be a lot of good stuff simply put the more familiar you are with something Whether it be a song picture or even a smell the more likely you are to prefer it

And because the bacterial population in your body producing these smells is completely unique from every other individual Our farts truly have a one-of-a-kind brand that your nose can differentiate But from an evolutionary perspective our reaction of disgust to other people's odor is likely our brain's attempt to prevent us from doing harm To our own bodies specifically interacting with sources of disease Oh, that's interesting. Well, your body's full of disease. Do you want to make peachy? Yeah, do it Um, how was the peachy? It was good. See it was really uh clinging right now I don't know. I don't know what it is. It might be the rain because he doesn't like to He's like afraid you see what I had to do with him. You don't even know what I had to do, right? No

who went out to the Normal spot. Mm-hmm. There's a lot of dirt there dog should alley. He went. Yeah, he went he put like one paw and he was like And he looked up at me, but I knew he had to go so I started running down the driveway He went to the first patch of grass. He's like, I don't like this. I want to go for a walk So he just started walking down the street. Well because he owns this block I know and then he just went to like First yard sniffed all over. I was like cool. Just do it so we can go in it's raining Nope second yard third yard every yard. He sniffed all over of course and he went to his favorite plot of grass

Shit there and it was raining. He He hates it speaking of shits when you think of it most things that don't smell good Aren't good for you and the greater the risk of disease the more intense your responsible be Surprising as it may seem farts can spread disease In fact, there are many reported cases of farts spreading streptococcus pyogenes a pathogen that can cause tonsillitis Scarlet fever heart disease and even flesh eating disease. What? I never knew that farts could Spread disease. I know yours kind. I never knew that. How could that be possible? Yeah, well think about it when you know what pink eye is

It's just you get brown in your eye because you rub your eyes and you're brown on your hands farts cause tonsillitis Scarlet fever heart disease I don't get that one, but there's seriously the pathogen is expelled as fecal matter or poop particles in the air Of course This was a major concern for our ancestors who ran around naked But for us underwear or pant wearing folks farts don't pose a real threat And it's important that we've adapted to like our own orders so that we can maintain proper hygiene in the same way Mothers perceive their biological children's poop as less offensive than others

Which allows them to take care of them without disgust Oh That makes so much sense. It does make sense Of course, some of you may be thinking I don't find farts disgusting at all and you're not alone Perception of disgust is a combination of variables like age gender culture and even personality So much so that people who are more anxious or socially conservative are often more sensitive to stink than their adventure seeking friends The interior cingulate cortex which processes surprise also plays a big role when we fart We know it and can anticipate the accompanying smell

But when somebody rips a silent but deadly fart into a crowded room The brain's expectations of reality are smashed by the negative stimulus making it all seem even more foul So next time you feel a silent stinker coming on you might want to give everyone a heads up Unless of course you're alone then you can bask in the glory of your own scent Don't forget the ace app science book just went on presale. That's fucking wow. That was really informative Yeah, where'd you find that somebody email it to us? It's really good. Really good. Thank you for that. Hmm. And um, if you a lot of people have been asking Again, um, if I could play this video. So here you go

The muppets Oh Oh Geez Oh Sounds like Grover How does he introduce this like does he say what he's doing at first? Yeah, I do Now I want to teach you the third

The third octave Okay, so he talks really normal. Is he mentally disabled? I don't think so He's teaching us the third octave I think he's really serious about what he's doing. Why can't garth brooks make videos like this? This is raw and slick and the all-in-one garth Fucking asshole Oh boy, here we go. Oh, yeah

Um Jeans we got a couple shows to talk about It's been a while since we've done the official real talk segment. It's been a while But that doesn't mean we're not watching tons of crappy shitty television. This one first of all We'll get to the crappy shitty television in a moment The show that you wrote me into last night. Yeah, but on accident

sort of we saw You know, I'm a doubting daddy and I I'm the president of my local chapter and season five premieres in january so I got wind of the fact that they were going to air a show called down abbey rediscovered this past weekend where they would show Some footage from the upcoming new season exclusive peaks and also

Rediscover what it is. You love so much about down and as a down daddy president of my local chapter I thought this would be fun to watch They had Tony award-winning actress Bernadette Peters Host the show and as somebody I consider you an expert in the hosting world. I am an expert You were you were able to break down What was going on where the rest of us who just were watching were like Is she hammered? Yeah Is she high and I went on twitter and our

Feelings about it were echoed by a lot of people first of all Bernadette Peters. If you don't know who she is I think her payday was in the 80s. She was in a lot of movies. I think she was in the jerk She plays steve martin's love interest the blonde Really fantastic actress great actress comedic. She's a singer like she's fantastic The problem with her hosting skills is that hosting Is a different skill set than acting hosting requires you to be yourself And be a per and connect with with the audience right like you're conveying information And you're being yourself and you're being natural and Bernadette Peters

Doesn't know how to be natural. She would like to really have one clip that doesn't really do justice to the episode That you can get some of it on but like she was there was a few things that were standing out on this a She was she was actually taking it was almost like there was no punctuation in the prompter Like she wasn't pausing where you should pause Yes, which is a hosting 101 you learn to read off prompter You have to stop but there were definitely commas and periods that she was just like fuck that I remember when we run through like wooden paw and then she was she was slurring. Yes

It was so weird. Yes, and we went on twitter and looked and we just like did a search for her name and it was Loaded with people who were like is she hammered? Is she high? Did she get into karson's wine cellar? Hilarious. Like here's the only clip I could find online of it, but it was bizarre she was um It just didn't it didn't well and also people that host shows are usually Enthusiasts like for instance like you pointed out when you watch entertainment tonight

Those hosts are they genuinely give a shit about jaylo's eyebrows and they make it seem like They're playing to the people that would be excited about that's the thing is that you're playing to the audience meaning You know why they're they're tuning in because they're enthusiasts of celebrity culture. Therefore you should reflect that enthusiasm You're conveying information. You don't go. She got her fucking eyebrows done right you go. Oh my god. Can you believe jaylo? Her eyebrows are amazing She got the meanies Yeah, this was like the whole show because even if you're not a fan of the show or know what we're talking about You could still get the sentiment of what we're talking about

Like it's just like picture whatever show you do like or you know a sport you like and the host This is what she was doing that she'd be like, oh my god the next season they're down and abby's coming up Really excited. It's cars. I'm gonna finally fall in love. It was like. Yeah, she go Is cars don't go on the fall in love or is it going to go to jail? I bet you'd like to find out What she read it like dr. Steve brule. Well, what I was saying to you is that even though she's not a host she's an actress I felt like even a season actor would at least be able to Punctuate and punch up like the sentiment. It's almost like they did pull her aside five like so she was having dinner

Yeah, because you want to fucking shoot this thing right now for pbs. Yeah, and she was like, I just I just I just started eating Just shoot it real quick. How much does it pay? Well, nothing. It's public bracket Um, all right And I bet someone sent her the copy and she was like, I don't fucking want to read this I she probably was like, I don't even know what the fuck this show is. She doesn't know Yeah, because she she didn't know the characters one of my favorite shows and then Well, she'd go she'd go mr. Bates guilty of that I want to find out

Find out dummy even Steve brule is more enthusiasm for down to me. Here's the only clip I could find Season four of down to nabby left us with so many burning questions Well, lady mary picked Tony gilliam or charles blake Do mr. Bates kill mr. Green? And if so, will he be caught? Oh, I couldn't have her answer that Please join me brude at peters for a celebration of the first four seasons of down to nabby And a tantalizing and exclusive peek at season five in down to nabby rediscovered It's she's drunk. She's drunk. There's no way that she does join. Let's let's do some fun Oh

There's one more. I have one more clip of her Ah the french champagne That's totally it. That's so fucking crazy I'm joined the season four Oh mary who she picked the american mr. Bates too. Oh, I can't wait to find I can't wait to find out The french Champagne has always been celebrated That's it's exactly the same read where she's jumbling the punctuation doesn't matter

Yeah, and like I just yeah, it was I will urge you to do this Go on your dvrs at home And see if you can do a search For down nabby Rediscovered okay, it's going to be on your local pbs Yet, it's important that you put rediscovered it's hosted by her if it re-airs and you can watch it. It's hilarious Fuck it. We laughed so hard

For the entire showing it because it got worse. It got way worse. She got Why worse sir as it went on bro. She slurred more by the end It was a disaster and it was by the end paragraphs were one run-on sentence and she was like And uh, mr. Lady gallsworth forgot her tea. Well, she'd pick it up later Like it made no fucking sense and what was really crazy is she was she was talking about really important plot points to down nabby It was stuff like Well, we find out this mr. Bates is a killer Is she gonna end up with love is she gonna go to pills like what and she would also go like do a

Uh, like not even like a tongue-in-cheek play into it. She would um for like for what the the writer had clearly written something like um, you know Uh Will mary finally be caught for her right tryst Yikes, I would like I'd love to know if she would go mary be caught yikes I like that like what the fuck Like that's how you're reading that. Yeah, I like to find out You guys know

remember when Cousin rose fucking that black eye. That's what I was expecting her to say next But she doesn't even know cousin rose. No, that's a problem She does not watch that show and I don't like that. She proclaimed to be a doubting mommy She was like, I'm like, who's found out abyss. No, you're not No, you're not respected down abby. You disrespected julian fellows by hosting this show By the way julian fellows and we were talking about this. I'm not sure If if it's pbs. I'm sorry. It's bbc and I know but british maybe somebody you guys are english

You can write in and let us know I know that because bbc is a publicly funded thing It's not like here in the us where they make a ton of advertising revenue Do those actors on down abby make enough money? Do they make more money per season? Is it is it close to what american? Like for like they're they're essentially the you know the hottest show right now And it's syndicated worldwide. Please tell me they're making money Well, here's what here's what I found online just right now And this is from back in like 2012

Right. Oh for yeah for this is going into the fourth season Abbey stars are for down are offered double their money for fourth series Okay, as as itv tries to stop them defecting to hollywood. So in other words Okay, but that's it's got to be less than in the united states because it's also it's not just that but it's also just the The scale of the whole thing. Oh my gosh. There's so many actors, you know, they're like you you you can't pay um Fucking 15 actors 75 grand. Yeah an episode or whatever, but the budget on that show I mean, it's got to be ridiculous

The the castle that they film in and the costumes and the oh, it's got to be It's a it's a big I mean look here. I'm looking at this is going into season four There's one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen 14 15 16 17 about 18 regular players Yeah, it's a huge cast you forget how many stories they have to cover Also, you'd think that the creator julian fellows would have enough money To get those bottom teeth whitened. Oh, let's see um

How much money does it cast of this is like all like You know forum stuff. Yeah It says ba ba ba But they're not making like, you know, Jen Aniston Chandler Bing money. You know what I'm saying? No way not in England, right? Well, I think you could make it. I mean like syndication maybe or maybe on dvd sales They've got to be making money on the back end. Well 10 it looks like

The show costs about a million per episode to produce Jesus and that's everything that's Cast included. Oh, that's salaries That's that's the budget per episode. So 10 million for a season Oh Yeah, it says that I guess someone this is somebody's guessing Damn minimum pay is about 7 000 per episode. I suppose you want to see someone get between Seven and 20 000 episodes. Oh, that's dog shit money. It says British actors head over to us for a reason. You get a lot more That's what I'm that's what I'm thinking. You're right. That's what I'm saying and they're the most famous

This is one of the most famous shows on the planet And they're not getting paid what they could in the u.s. That sucks I wonder I wonder what they do get. Let's see. Here's here's actually an article from from this year from 2014 um Well, they gotta do films now. They gotta do american shit now Uh The the dowager duchess. What's her name the awesome old lady we love. She's in everything maggie Yeah, that's her tits. She's fantastic

Maggie what's her tits? Yeah, dame dame countess What's her shits Dame, yeah, but they get to be home, you know, they get to uh, yeah, they're english. They like it. They like it over there Let's see. Okay I'm totally curious about this Much blah blah blah blah blah as soon as pvs wraps a somewhat delayed run of the input the next one is in production Um Reluctant to get into many details they seem optimistic

about another uh actor departed the series in 2012 2012 it missed that while he was Oh, I don't know, uh, you know who departed was what's his name Matthew, right? He got killed civil got killed They probably left to go do film They probably left to go well Well, their thunder was still high at any rate Julian fellows needs to get his bottom teeth white Because he got the top veneers done the creator of that show jeans Yeah, they're all white and steve harvey and then the bottom was like buttery buttery yellow

Yeah, he did get his harvey's done up top. Yeah, but those you see every time he talks Yeah, you see the bottoms and then Fucking crazy very yellow. They're super yellow Super buttery. I never understand getting the just the one just tops. I don't get it either You're both like harvey does or at least whiten the bottoms if you're not going to go full veneers, you know Because it's it's cost a grip to get veneers done Anyways Very exciting we're excited down to me. We also got into

I've been reading diane von festenberg's uh Autobiography the woman I want to be Because we don't know dvf. She's a fashion. She invented the wrap dress in the 70s And she was like an austrian princess. She married a prince when she was like 20 years old dvf And now you're super into the show, right? Well, you got me. Um while I was eating like let's just watch something And they wrap you in with some fucking ridiculous storyline, but I got to say she appeals to me dvf I like her. I like her. Everyone likes her. Yeah, she's like this. She's from she's belgian

It's like a cool wiser kind of been through it done that Lady european. Yeah She's cool classy broad. I like her. I don't like the competitive shows where it's like you're eliminated That's shit. I could do without I could just watch her do shit Can I tell you even when I was on a competitive show where you're being eliminated? I never gave a shit Like seriously when they they would come around they're like like seriously. Are you nervous for tonight's elimination? Oh, yeah, you know Because I knew like you're gonna get kicked off and you're just gonna go do another show

Or you're it's gonna it's gonna open doors. It doesn't matter the competition's rigged anyways It doesn't matter. It feels like the dvf feels like uh, the show feels like what's what's that? Uh, america's next top model That's what yeah It's like this real bitchy Overly dramatic girls who cry at the drop in the fucking hand. You know, why are you crying crying on television? I don't understand the crying that much. I don't I mean like I I don't for that to be your go-to thing to cry. It just seems like such a desperate thing to do Especially on television like I remember I mean I've been on reality shows and when people cry on them

I'm always like bro, you know, we're on a fucking reality show right now You know, this is this is not the real world like you're gonna They're creating this environment to get you upset stupid. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't fucking cry I remember one time a girl was crying on um, funniest wins It was a man and I'll just say it and I I saw the camera as and I ran over to her and I was like Stomping crying the camera She's but she was so emotional. She's like, I don't care. I'm like, oh really try to warn you try to warn you sucker Yeah, don't cry on camera. Don't you fucking cry you mutter fucker you mutter fucker you

I don't like to draw me there, but I like diane von farf for farf because she's she's a smart lady Yeah, I like her too, man. Yeah, she's Her mother actually I do. Oh really? She was uh, yeah, her mother went to Auschwitz Fucking you mutter fucker. You mutter fucker Uh, she survived and then she had diane like 18 months after she got out of Auschwitz. Really? Yeah, she came out weighing like fucking nothing like 90 pounds something and then She had they like fed her back to health and then she had a baby right away. She had two

And shed diane's brother too like shortly after I guess you would be kind of Motivated to create life after leaving something like that. They told her not to they're like you're gonna die because you're you're not healthy And they said she couldn't do it and she was like, fuck you. I've survived the camps. I know what I want that's That was diane von farstenberg's mother. Wow because Uh, okay Well, she's from brussels. So it sounded you said fuck you mother fuckers No, they join you could fucking try to be fat. So that's the accent. They speak like four languages in belgium In brussels they do so she didn't speak french. She spoke. Oh, she spoke french german. Yeah

And then the other and they speak portuguese first and by She married a prince When she was like married an american prince named barry dellard, right? I started usa network. I created fax I run this fucking town So crazy. Yeah, real crazy. What's going on with the thief? What is he doing? He's acting very weird today Here i'm gonna go get his stuff at uh outside. Okay Uh FIFA what's up with you, man

What's up with you? You're just even acting a little strangely today. Okay Um Yeah, i'm just Get ready for the holidays Oh, really? What are you? What are you planning? It's a big big time of year for motherfuckers to bet So it just kind of changes my business. Oh, yeah

Bowl game season coming up. Yeah got conference championships coming up. Yeah basketballs with full swing Hockey's rolling, you know a lot of money changing pause around here changing pause All right, the out your father and I took you to the vet yesterday for some shots and some meds and stuff I already accepted y'all assholes. Yeah, I wanted to Apologize because you seemed very upset when the lady wanted to take your temperature. Oh, it's just unnecessary You know what i'm saying? Yeah, I can tell you my temperature at any moment What's your temperature 98.6 just like yours, bitch. Okay. I don't need

Do you think you can leave out the bitch when you talk to me? Here's the thing next time you're gonna fucking trick me Yeah, and booze with me into some shit like that Just give me a don't you don't have to trick me with treats and all this shit. Just say i'm here to fuck up your day Just do that like you always do Well, it's for your health. We have to do it for your health. I got something for your health right here Okay, I don't have those anymore. Yeah, that's right. Who did that? You did that shit Yeah, if we don't I just want to know when am I gonna be released from this prison camp? Like dianne von firstenberg's mother

I mean, this is just like fucking north korea up in here. I want to get the fuck out. Oh, is it really that bad I mean, listen, what what have you done today? Let's start there. What's your day been like busy? Uh-huh. You mean laying down on the couch. You've been sleeping all day. You got under the covers Yeah, because you fucking traumatized me yesterday I know it shit shoved up my ass and he was shoved in my arm But it's for your own good. You don't want to get sick again. We do that for your own good because we love you Now listen, we have something your father and I want to talk to you about something Kind of important. Um, I'm sure you've read the tabloids

About bill cosby. You've heard about this whole thing. Of course He was putting pills in people's bowls So that when they went to drink out their bowl, they got they fell asleep and then he was doing nasty stuff Right. Not not people don't drink out of bowls, but Yes, essentially. Yes. That's some weak shit right there. Yeah, I agree Sniffing around and make shit happen to my my licking and my sniffing, you know, I don't need to trick nobody Um, they used to get worked. Oh, okay So, uh, anyways

You know who you're named after Who? Well, theohuck's the bull Fuck it one of them people names Yes, it is a person's name and you actually are named after bill cosby's character on the cosby show Um cliff huckstable and you're the son of dr. Cliff huckstable your theohuckstable Whatever Well, it's not whatever theoh the problem is is that bill cosby's kind of a rapist now and I don't know if uh,

Tom and I feel good about naming our firstborn son after a rapist I don't recognize anything you guys do anyways, so that's just between you I mean, that's not even my real name. So I don't give a fuck. I have a birth name That you two do not recognize is why I don't recognize your rules Or any of you fucking this shit that you put out there. Yeah, you do your own thing. I do my thing. I just coexist, you know, okay You have a real name. Why didn't you ever tell me what your real name was? I would have called you by your real name. Don't I don't respect you and I don't give a shit You know, I don't care to share with you because I don't even I don't see you as my master. Yeah, so right

Do you want to tell me your birth name or I mean Are you gonna call me it or not? I don't feel like wasting my breath Theo, I'm sorry. FIFO. By the way, we're changing it. Uh, no, you're no longer theohuckstable We're legally gonna change your name to FIFO. I might go down to the dmv tomorrow and I'm gonna fill out all the paperwork so that you can You know Live your life as FIFO Whatever

Well, I mean unless you have a better idea. I mean, why don't we just go by my birth name? Well, what is it? You're not gonna tell me. It's Rashaan Ahmed Mohammed Ahmed That's it. No, it's not it is a few more. Okay Sheik Allah Okay, um

That's crazy. Just call me Rashaan Rashaan Rashaan Rashaan Ahmed Rashaan Ahmed Mohammed Mohammed Ahmed Ahmed bin Laden bin Laden bin Laden bin la Listen, man. We're not I can't name you after a rapist. I'm surely not gonna name you after a terrorist He's not he's misunderstood. Okay. Well, he's dead. So Rashaan Yeah, I just I mean, I don't know if your father and I can Rashaan. It just doesn't sound black men are the guys of the earth Right. No, I agree. I know what you're saying. Are you are you telling me that you're Muslim?

Of course, of course, I mean you see my face makeup five times a day. Yeah Actually, I haven't Well, I respect Ramadan and you know, oh really? Yeah, I saw you eating tons of shit during the daytime. No, you don't even know what time of year Ramadan is It's in august. How you know that because I've been to the Middle East during Ramadan I've I've been to the Middle East. Here's what I'm saying When you I'm sorry Rashaan when you do your Christmas shit. Yeah this year respect my privacy And allow me to get what I want. I want to write a letter to Santa

And here's what I'm saying put me in a box And just write Saudi Arabia on it and if I can drop that shit at ups and let me go You really you want me to send you to the Middle East? I want to go home home. Yeah, have you been to Saudi Arabia? I know where my heart is Rashaan's heart is in Saudi. Okay. Well, guess what? It's not gonna happen Where your parents now you're gonna stay in good old USA. Yeah, you owe me money. What do I owe you? Shirts have been selling. I keep no there's no listen. First of all Rashaan The shirts that have sold are for somebody named Theo 24 7 your name's not Theo you're Rashaan Like you said, so it's not even your shirt, bro

My government name's Theo and that's what the fuck you've been selling that shit on give me my government name Yeah, get out of here. You know what your attitude sucks Sometimes I get so mad at you and I love you but you're you're just a You're really out of line today I'ma go pray. All right. I love you Theo. Whatever Rashaan Where's he going? He says he's gonna. Why's he walking out there? You're gonna love this He says that he's muslim

And he prays to mecca five times a day. What? Yeah, he's going to pray to mecca Right now. Yeah, and the best part is I told him about the name change thing. Yeah. FIFO. Yeah He wants to be called Rashaan. Muhammad bin Laden Shake What? Yeah, he's muslim. He says that he's muslim Muslim

Yeah How can dogs practice a religion? I don't know. I mean Man, that is That's bizarre Yeah, it's just his history gets darker and darker. It's something I didn't I mean First of all, I thought he was from a latino family. So did I got him from a latino neighborhood mexican? They like six dogs catholic. He's is he from

Like a muslim country. He wants me to ship him to saudi arabia. That's insane. You can't do that Who's it gonna who's gonna take him there? I don't know. Nobody who would take him He's out of his mind this dog is But real for real though, we gotta kind of change his name to FIFO, right? I mean, we can't call him the ohuxable anymore after a rapist. I know Yeah, cosby He was a hero to so many No

I loved the cause obviously we both did dude. We had so much love for bill cosby We named our firstborn son after a cosby character people who are by the way, still not convinced. I don't know What type of convincing you need? I know It's a lot of people to be You know making that accusation. What do you think they're making it for so that they they can get their name in the paper Every victim so crazy, especially for the most one of the most beloved Yeah, like nobody wants that to be the truth. Nobody wants. I don't want him to be raped. I'm so upset that he is The whole situation just kind of makes you go

Who would sit out here to do a story to do a story about what as you can see there's construction underway here They've dug out a little bit. There's water has accumulated Time it's backed up and the city decides if Houston is always traffic So what's the big fucking deal? What the fuck are we doing out here? I What really happened on that Thursday here in august a high school that led to chriswood's death I can't see the fuck out this country, mother fucker So what's the big fucking deal? What the fuck are we doing out here?

What the fuck are we doing? So what's the big fucking deal? What the fuck are we doing out here? I am Oh shit, that was good. I cannot get enough of that shit, man Did you imagine being that guy And you're like, seriously, what the fuck am I reporting on? Oh, it's it's shit. I'm sure every reporter ever Sees that and they stand up and applaud especially like the local news people. They're like these stories that I do What the fuck am I doing out here? That's another thing you and I have been getting into lately

As we are watching the local news over Thanksgiving as a form of entertainment if you ever want to just like Laugh at how stupid this world is. Yeah, watch your local news. It's hilarious You know one thing I was at comm major in college and I was a tv radio production Like track that I took and I remember I'll never forget it And I told you this when we were watching it and it never leaves your head Is I had a professor who you know, we would have to do news pieces and we'd have to produce them and make them for school and one thing he said was There are so many unnecessary

Live shots. Yeah, he basically was like, what the fuck are you doing live shots for? And the best way to like if you're wondering what I mean watch when you when you watch local news especially watch when they do a story like Let's say the story is that You know cars have been getting broken into downtown right wherever you live And so the news anchor in studio goes there's been a lot of break-ins the cars and They're all in the downtown area with a report. Here's kevin

Live downtown so then kevin has to go Wait with a with a producer with the van with the truck with the light the audio Stands there and and he goes. Thanks mary. I'm standing downtown right now where a lot of cars have been broken into Here's my story and then he cuts to his package And then he finishes the piece and they go back to studio Package meaning the pre the pre shop pre edited. It's already done. The piece has already been edited and done Nothing is gained by him being what like you're live to tell us that you did the piece right makes no sense

There's no point in the live shot 99 of the time because they're not going into Something happening then they live. Yeah, it's just yeah because you know and he explained how he's like one of the reasons He's done is people think live means better live means more exciting live means It's happening now, but nothing's fucking happening. Nothing's fucking happening. He's got the story for us Live at the grocery store and then he's like well, they're selling a lot of things inside Here's the story on it and they show the story Like you don't do that. Just no just just run the story run the story prepared that my favorite is we're watching

Protesters were here for the protesting the Ferguson thing And and he's in Beverly Hills where there's nobody left anymore. Oh, yeah I'm rodeo because I'm okay. First of all, there's like 10 people on rodeo. It was nothing. Nobody was protest 10 people on unemployment that day who had nothing better. Oh, let's go down there Unbelievable stand around and he's telling us well five hours ago. There were people here Well, why don't you come here fucking five hours ago then? Unreal Jesus christ get your life and then they have to laugh at all those dumb fucking jokes and then

My favorite is somebody was retiring remember and they ran some package of that guy who was retiring He had to eat hot dogs every day and chili dog. It was all his he did the like Human interests like the life stories. Yeah, so it would be like, you know, and after all the serious downers they do They'd be like here's Hank with a story and Hank would go down to some festival and be like they got hot dogs and then he would eat They showed him in 10 different suits. Yes, clearly over the years shoving shit in his mouth eating and they were like nobody ever did it like Hank. We thought he was dead they're like

Hank whenever Hank would come on I always just I always looked at the monitor because I knew nobody had Hank's spirit. Yeah. Yeah Like oh, he's just retiring when I think was dying. Are you talking about nobody had a yeah. Oh my god. I I I found A piece of tape of me in high school Um that you've never heard before I've seen okay, and this is me This is like My god, I guess I was a freshman in high school. Okay. It's pretty cool. Um, let's see if you

Like it here we go. I'm gonna keep it g real I don't fuck with you cuz you disrespect me you disrespect my hood by telling me take off my flag asking how gangster I was Niggas you lucky on that day. I was acting cool cuz I told you I ain't got time for that But nigga today I got time cuz It don't matter pistol game, but You got yourself cutting right there But nigga you came up up me on some function Nigga I don't make peace when niggas that come up on me on some disrespectful shit when I didn't even know you

You walked up on me and sat down your beard like nigga. What's up? How gangster are you cuz how gangster are you nigga? I'll show you how gangster I am nigga. You can drop off your kid and run my face Exactly I was like, yeah, I mean I was just growing up, you know No, is this when you were learning to dip you got your attitude on you were dipping Yeah, it's like this is the the the day that I first dipped Yeah, I got a little I got a little buzz and I got a little little crazy I got a little, you know, kind of extra a little funk in my step, you know, you know, you were saying big words

Lots of I mean, I didn't mean it. You know, I was just kind of excited to be high. No nice buzz going Wow, you were really angry back then Yeah, I said a few more things. What else did I say? Exactly, I go hard cuz you don't want to fuck with me You're good A lot of big words you're saying Yeah, what are you so mad about just this guy disrespected like I had my flag I had a I had a flag of a pony and I was like, I love my pony and He was like that's some bitch shit and I was like, you don't understand how gangster I am

You had a flag of your pony. I like ponies back then Um, it's better not like horses now though. No, I gave I hate him so much now But that's a big reason why I hate horses is people make a fun of my pony flag Oh, I can I so see that what color was your pony? It was it was blue, but it had pink feathers And it's main It's nice. Yeah, but then so many people made funny. Yeah, like this guy I remember him. He was like your pony's lame and I was like I remember that that he had done it and so then the day that I saw him again

I was like you try to make fun of my flag and you don't know how gangster I am Yeah, so all this over the pony flag. Mm-hmm Wow Did you get in trouble for this? um No, I mean, you know Wait, when did you stop dropping n-bombs? Like how did you come just when I got when that buzz wore off like I was pretty high and then I was like, I'm sorry

Oh, it was the buzz made you drop n-bombs the dip did the dip makes you racist apparently Well, not racist. I was just kind of like fit and you know, I was just like big words No, I mean it was just big words dip the flip It was big words dip. It was just kind of you know kind of in the moment like the you know Like the excitement of like yeah getting it out there, you know, I was young a lot of testosterone and I was just like God bless is a nigga. Okay. You know, that's funny because I think I I tried big words dip that day too

And yeah, like I was fired up too. So you just said your shit and you were like, you know Yeah You were so gangster back when you were a teenager. Were you in a gang? Yeah, I mean we were like we were called the blue ponies and that was kind of one of the things is that like we Disrespected me. I was like cuz I got I don't have time for that disrespect because I got time to straighten you out You know what I'm saying feel me. You know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about. You feel me You know, I'm saying and then And then shit would grow from there, but you know, I'm saying like if you disrespect me

I'll put my dip in my mouth and then Words come out I had a good friend you think he's ever dropped big words this guy. Yes These guys invented the big words Right are you guys say it and mean it a lot I would love if he would release a big words version of the song I think that would go what's a diamond diamond diamond medallion diamond Could you imagine if there's a kinder song just the end bombs it's called a country boys

and big words and uh, you're not gonna believe it, but it went 48 times platinum Go ahead and hang and bring it out for us Standing ovations Well, if y'all could y'all pull your fucking pants up tired of seeing that shit Stop complaining about the police. They're your friends Y'all got something to cry about I don't want to hear that shit Talk normal. Just catch the fucking ball. Catch the fucking ball. Catch the fucking ball Catch that fucking ball. There you go. There you go Hank. There's a new song for you

Oh Sing you something new buddy And then the smash-up follow-up pit is like bitch shut up and get me a sandwich That would be a that would actually sell that would surpass big words. Yeah I think I think more people share that sentiment. Um, I'm so fucking tired Of how much you talk. Yeah, there you go. I'm just trying to watch the game Can we just go back to when you instead you're squalking. Yeah, yeah quit your talking I think it's not even quit your talking and squalking during the game. It's just like y'all got

too much Shit just like remember when shit was good. Yeah, let's go back there. Yeah, stop that thinking and talking Yes, it's stop your thinking talking and driving and all your complaining and voting and bank accounts happening and credit cards Since when did you think you were a person? Yeah, that kind of shit. That's what I'm gonna make me lasagna Bitch There you go. That's just the song smash it. I get because there's a song right now That's like, uh, it's like the lmfao guys and it's like It's some sorority girl and she's like seriously. No

No, have you heard that song and the song is like shut the fuck up, bitch And it's like this huge song. Really? Yeah, it's pretty horrible. It's pretty bad like It's just some girls like no, I'm not gonna suck your dick seriously No, and they're like shut the fuck up and suck my dick, bitch basically christ. Yeah, it's pretty rad. That's awesome It's like a smash hit song right now. Really? Yeah, you want to look it up. It's pretty offensive It's pretty much what we're talking about for like the dance party. I would I would like country guys be like I remember when I was holding titties I would suck on them titties all night long

And you would do your job and take my jizz inside, but now you've got an attitude Remember when the white man ruled That's the other one White guys own everything lmfao Why can't white guys rule shit anymore? Okay, what's the song called? It's like called shut the fuck up, bitch or something like that really really just google like Shut up, bitch or shut the fuck up, bitch

seriously, nah And she actually sounds like maria like the girl Who's talking in it? She's like seriously No No, I'm not done I'm not sucking your dick That's pretty much the song. They're like, why don't you suck our dicks and party?

I Shut the fuck up. No seriously, no No I'll find it. I'll find it. I'll find it. I'll find it. I'll find it. I'll find it. I'll find it. I'll find it God damn it. How is it hard to find the fucking song? It's called What's it called? It's called play it. Oh literally I can't play and play in skills

Literally, I can't and then the girl just goes literally It's called literally. I can't literally I can't it's got two over two million views And it's about us about these uptight quote-unquote uptight story girls that don't want to suck dicks and party And then the guys are like, fuck you, bitch. Shut the fuck up. That's a cool song. Yeah, literally. I can't did you find it? Yeah, um When you remember when you used to suck my stuff Before you learned to talk. Yeah now now. Yeah Did you know that a disclaimer plays at the beginning of the video? No, what's it say?

Okay, this is horribly sexist and setting back society 20 years It says the following is a satirical video based on sororities fraternities and the cliche literally. I can't This content is in no way to be interpreted as negative toward any group of people It is an art piece and shall be taken as such They're declaring that it's not offensive. Okay. That's not usually done So far, it's ahead I don't think it's LMFAO though. They're in it too. Oh, they're in it too. Okay I can't literally I can't literally I can't literally I can't literally I can't literally I can't

I don't like it, but keep it going. Get to hear the chorus That's the chorus you shut the fuck up Because she doesn't want to get ripped with these retards and So basically that's the version of the song we're talking about Yeah, that is to smash it songwriting just gets better and better. I feel like I feel like I want to re-line My list I used to argue with you about the Beatles and so I feel like it's these guys Biggie than the Beatles now. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, you're right. I know. I see what you're saying literally

I can't and it's not the fuck And that's the fucking song This generation is doomed. Yeah, you guys are totally doomed. You guys are done. This is unbelievable done This is the end of the road. This is the end of the world. We make jokes. There's a fucking joke about that This and then how it the balls to declare like let me do a fucking this is art and you should take it as such Okay doomed All right, this is the officially the end of the This is the uh, what is this?

It's the doom of culture Someone said there was a great phrase in a movie cultural genocide. Well, who said that? This cultural genocide. Oh, it was in uh some smart movie. I saw smart. It was a smart movie That movie about the theater guy. I saw me a smart one. Yeah, that's all good. And I said, I could I could really like this Uh raw stuff and and jesus, uh neat stuff Gosh, I like that idea about a conversation with y'all I still want to vomit Anything else jeans? No, I just I love you

guys, um Please visit the store Get some new stuff Bristol stool chart mug Tops are bald and shit um Greasy theo 24 seven soon to be rashaun Ahmed birdman

That's the movie birdman. He says cultural genocide download of bonus steps like our facebook page Please shop through our my amazon amazon banner at your mama's house podcast.com. Listen to that's deep, bro Christina's other podcast and This week phoenix come see me tickets tomsaegura.com Next week fartford christina comedy.com and then manfrindisco Please come see us live. We love you. Thank you for listening to our show We're not doing the podcast in manfrindisco. That's just you doing stand up. I know you said come watch us live

Oh, sorry, you meant just stand up. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm catching All right, you're supposed to go bitch. Shut the fuck up. Bitch. Shut the fuck up I want to pinch my dick and squeeze my tits real hard Bye guys You know what i'm saying You know what i'm saying You know what i'm saying I'm saying like it's normal that my mom lost

You know what i'm saying Find that same french excellence. You know what i'm saying, right? What's the mayor of know what i'm saying? Yeah, he wants to be the mayor. Here we go You know what i'm saying? Well it's like it's normal that i'm Giving me You know what i'm saying? You know what i'm saying, right?

You know what i'm saying? Like this Do you want to understand that? You