Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 272-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 17, 2014

A man's desire to call out to a woman is so strong that it can overwhelm his own mental illness. Literally, the pieces that are missing in his brain will come together for a moment if that moment means sexual release.  Farts. This episode has them. From both mommies. Will you eat what we fart on? Plus Garth meets Meeeh, meets more melodies. It's creepy, weird and wonderful all at the same time. Guys should cover their nipples, You BETTER wash your nuts and your other stinky parts (especially if you want someone going in there).  And we talk family - and what is a reasonable amount of time to spend with them - Minutes? Get your festive jeans on!

And that brings me to a very special treat. I need to teach all of you something, you're going to during this song say one word. Hey now y'all, can we just get real? Do we really care about our fans? Is this just another deal? Is that the way that we lost our way? Socials about the people, remember? We are people.

Do we really need another live fan or share? We need another poster show up everywhere. I hope that we scatter, that we never forget That our poster will never, even when we go to bed. We are people. Hey now y'all, can we just get real? Hey now y'all, can we just get real? Alright everyone, I want you to stand up right down.

Hey now y'all, can we just get real? Alright everyone, I want you to stand up right down. Soak out your phone, take a selfie with your neighbor. It's time to get social! Where is that accent from? Social! Social media Spread the word and grow our reach

To find our fans in their new speed Let's get social! Social! Let's get social! Let's get social! Let's get social! Give it up, Mary McCoy! Social!

Man. Let's get social. That's a classic from the Mommy Balls. Yeah, that was just sent in actually, just a few days ago by Matt Craig. He killed it, that was awesome. Everybody likes the social, what's wrong with your headphones? I need to make them louder.

Which one am I, Dina? Meow, meow, this is it, perfect. That's good luck. There you go. That was awesome. Great job, Matt. Great job. I mean, let's get social, we'll never fall apart or fall away completely.

It's always in our hearts. It is and now it's having new incarnations. Which is even more special. Very, very special. Get out Jeans, I'm coming. Literally. All in your beards. San Francisco this week.

Manfran Disco. Alright. A place that used to be known as Cobb's Comedy Club. Recently renamed their venue. Cox Comedy Club. And I'm going to be there three very short nights. So I hope you come and see me. The 18th, 19th and 20th.

I am at Cobb's. Please come see me. It should be really fun shows. Then there'll be the great Christmas celebration of Baby Yeager Scott coming into all of our lives. Again. And then for new years, these two moms are throwing, you know, they're throwing their hair back in a tie and they're saying, I'm going to just have fun right now.

And we're going to Austin Tejas. We're going to be at Cap City doing our thing. There's a New Year's Eve show and then there are shows on the second and third of January before, you know, kick things off 2015 right in the great city of Austin, Texas. So please come see us. We're going to be moms that way. We're going to put Splenda in our coffee. We sure are.

And it's very rare that we both get to pull the same pair of jeans up, but we're doing it that week in Austin. So we hope you guys come and support us. Look, the New Year kicks off and there's some really crazy date shit happening for us. We're getting to go to a lot of different places. The two of us, not always together, but, you know, it's a lot of shows. Is there really crazy gay shit? Really crazy gay shit.

Oh. A lot of guys, a lot of nude stuff. That's what I thought. I was hoping for that. A lot of come and your beard. That's what I'm saying. That's, look, that's my show. My show, if you come and see it, it's gay, it's naked and there's guys coming.

It's a fun time. And you don't have to be gay to enjoy it. You can just be there. Look, I got Desma, Iowa coming up, the funny bone. I also have Morty's, Indianapolis. That's coming up in January. The Laughing Derby, one night only, Louisville, Kentucky. I got the Kansas City Improv.

I got all these great fucking dates coming up, Omaha, Dallas, Hattiesburg, Mississippi. I'm even doing Lafayette, Louisiana. A lot of shit coming up, so please check out TomSugarra.com. My shows page and tickets are all over that thing. Jeans? Jeans up. So just those dates Tommy mentioned earlier and also January 15th, January 16th, January 17th, and January 18th, I will be mommying around at the Pittsburgh Improv.

That's Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, not Pittsburgh, Greece. Right. And then also January 30th and 31st, I will be doing SketchFest in Manfrendisco, Manfrendisco. And I think co-headlining two shows that punchline those nights. So come check me out. Come say hi. And you know what, that's, I mean, there's stuff, but you know, I gotta make sure it's exact first before I announce it.

That always helps. You know how that is. You gotta have that link up. There's a couple things I don't have the links for. It makes me sad. How did this bag of pot get on this desk? They gave me that last week when I did the best comedy show ever. They.

The promoters. Oh, because I was like, we were recording the other day and I was like, it smells like pot in here. Yeah. And they also, they gave me a lighter and a t-shirt and then also money. That's cool. Yeah, it was the best comedy show ever. Yeah.

That thing was great in Long Beach. Oh, okay. It was really good. Remember the one I did right before I left town? Yes. Yeah, I remember. I had a good time. Okay.

So that's that. Okay. What do you think of that shit? I like that shit. Boom. And you have to give me the, you have to say and action. And action. Ready to do this?

Yeah. Party jeans. Party jeans. Party jeans. The reason why they used, see, there's a reason, especially going through the vortex with different solar systems and constellations, there's a reason why they used A through B, 0 through 9 and 0. And the solar system is very powerful.

A lot of people don't understand that. I am a chosen being that will make it off the universe, this planet in an extraterrestrial crowd. Hey girl, can you say bling bling? This shit is big time. Who is Ram? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking stand.

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina the Zitsy.

Christina the Zitsy. Welcome to your mom's house. Go, go, work hard. Go. Push harder. You can do it. Go. Tommy.

Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:51,880 Go. He-洗 it first. Going. Going. Going. Go. Go. Go.

Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. There you go. Nice. Go.

Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. It was like this shit, man. I love that opening clip so much.

It's so- it's a space alien. He's going to be taken from this earth. He's 21, eight, six, four, nine. And then, this is how, this is how weak a man's mind is. That's the perfect- Like somebody would be like, yeah, this guy's schizophrenic and, you know, he's just speaking nonsense, sees a woman. Hey, girl- his dick takes, Oh, okay, you say it, bling bling.

His mental illness is trumped by his libido. I know, it's amazing. And why bling bling? Hi, girl. Can you say bling bling? I mean, that's just what popped into his mind, man. I mean, it's- this is a study in the weakness of a man's mind. See, there's a reason, especially going through the vortex, through the solar system, the

constellations. There's a reason why they use A through Z. The vortex. Zero through nine and zero. And the solar system is very powerful. A lot of people don't understand that. I am a chosen being. So, like, get him on meds, lock him up.

Hey, girl, can you say bling bling? Hey, girl. Hey. Can you say bling bling? I don't know if this is him right here. This is another. Is him here? I don't know.

It looks like it could be him. Oh, that's another crazy guy. What's going on? Crazy homeless. Bum fights? I don't know. Those bum me out. Those bum me out, too.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, just let a bum talk. Why do you got to violently assault him? I know. Yeah. Hey, girl. Can you say bling bling?

Yeah, you say bling bling. And the vortex, through the vernacular solar system, has the AZ to O9 pederofts. But how? Upside, I mean, the proffederals. The proffederals. You got the cream filling. I like that. Galactic fillings.

Hey, girl, can you say bling bling? How come crazy people have access to such big works? He was spitting some shit that I was like, I don't even know what that is. It's a big work, unless he's making it up. I don't know. He's got a good vocabulary. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe he can start some shit.

You know, he likes to start some shit. Hey, bling bling. Talk some shit? Hey, hey. There's so much good stuff. This right here, by the way, should I click on this? Let me see if this is any good. It says Dr. Phil.

Okay. And it's during a commercial break. Has some shit go down. Okay, yeah. I love Dr. Phil. Let's hear it. Let's see if he's really, if he's loud now. You cannot put water inside of your wreck.

The thing is, when an egg breaks, is that a noodle salad? You see what I'm trying to say right there? You understand? You understand that a cow eating, grazing off the land, that ain't the same thing as a man leaping over a fence. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know what you mean. All right, let's see what the hell this is.

Have you asked me what I've done to overcome this problem? I don't think you asked that question at all. You know, I haven't asked that question because I have problems with the answers. You know, you have a very much of... Yeah, but you've never overcome exhibitionism, so what would you know about it? Oh. Okay, Dr. Phil. Well...

Unless you've lived this problem because... Okay, but that's like... Wait a minute. That's like telling a brain surgeon they've got to have had a tumor in order to help somebody. No, it isn't. Okay, Dr. Phil. Okay.

It isn't the same at all. Let's make them audience shots. When he said that, people were like, he's doing it. He's doing his Phil thing right there. He's filling it up. That should be his catchphrase. He's like, I'm feeling you guys up today. I'm feeling you up.

I'm feeling you up. And then it comes over to the screen. Like PH, and then it's just a PHI, and then it should be like L-L-L-L-L-I. And now I'm filling you all up with some good information. Yeah. And then they should have like a little, you know, like pistols on either side of the screen. I agree.

Because he always talks about being Southern. That's always his thing. I'm from Texas, and in Texas, we do things different. The only thing we do down there is if a bull won't listen, you're going to grab his horns and fuck it. Y'all know what I'm saying? Right. Right.

How different are things in Texas? Is Texas not America? Is that what you're saying? Actually, it ain't. It ain't. I would say I'm from around there. It's not the same at all. This is a behavior.

It's not a condition of the mind that can be fixed by a doctor doing technical work. This is a behavior that unless you have experienced the humiliation of this behavior, you couldn't possibly know what it's like. I have no question that that's true. Hey, don't show me your hand. Are you through talking? Yeah, I think I'm through talking. Okay.

We'll be right back. Oh, so that was, I'm sorry, that was on the air. I think they're going to let us... What if it's a commercial break? I've been over backwards for you, buddy. I think you've tried to make a fool of me, buddy. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think he wants to go forward with his girlfriend. Yeah, I think I do. I said I did. Well, why do you want to do that? Because I said I would and I don't... I'm a man of my word when I say I want to do something... Well, I'll certainly release you from that commitment whatsoever.

Well, no, I didn't ask to be released from that commitment. I said I was going to do something and I intend to do what I said I was going to do. Do you want my help with it? That's how I live my life today. Yes, I do want your help with it. Even though you think I've made a fool out of you? No, I don't think you've made a fool out of me. Well, that's what you said and I can play that back.

No, I said I think you've been trying to make a fool out of me. Okay. You can't make a fool out of someone who doesn't feel like a fool. I don't feel like a fool. I don't feel like a fool at all. And everyone's entitled to their own opinion and I respect that. I respect the fact that everyone has an opinion and everybody's entitled to that opinion. Well, everybody, here's a Dr. Phil fan.

They're not a Thomas fan. Nobody came here because they're a fan of me. They came here because they're your fans. Okay, well, I'm happy to talk to this. So anything you say, they're going to go along with that. Okay, now hold on a second. You know, you familiar with the expression when a turkey won't cluck and kick them in the nuts? Yes, I've heard this, but it's a Texas expression, right?

Down in Texas, when a turkey don't cluck, what we do is kick them in his balls and skull fuck it. And then we skull fuck it. And then it's Thanksgiving all over again. Now you see what I'm saying there? Well, I think you're in. I think that's true. It's true. These are Dr. Phil fans.

Listen, you should read my message boards if you think these. All right. You know, how about just a word? I was hoping for more. I just want to say, see, that's why we fucking screen these things sometimes. So I had 3.5 million views. Of course, because it's controversy. But even a word to the wise, if you want therapy, don't do it on television, maybe.

If you don't want to be humiliated. How about, don't go on Dr. Phil. Don't call Dr. Laura and don't go Dr. Phil. Don't go Dr. Phil on me. Now, how was Farford? Oh, Farford was great. We should point out that I haven't seen you, but for like 20 minutes since we got back. I know.

You are visiting your family in Vero. I hung out with Top Dog, Charo. Oh, my God. Jane, Lil Nephew, Nuck Nuck. And then, yeah, everybody. How was it? It was great. It was great to see people.

You know, it was fun to go home and. Did you hear a lot of Brown stories from your dad? Not that many. You know, he's been eating better. So he's pooping less. I don't like to hear that. I don't like that. I don't like that at all.

Do you like that? Does anybody here like that? She said, think of it more as a conversation. I like that. So what is new with Top Dog, though? Can you give us any kind of update? What is new with him? Any morsels?

You know, he's doing the, the old exercise thing, which is good and eating well. We're going to go make fitness tomorrow at our gym. No, I don't. There's not really, it's the same old thing, man. It's the same old thing. Same shit, different toilet. Same shit, different toilet. Smaller shits, different toilet.

Wow. Yeah. Well, I'm glad that he's getting healthier. Even though I'm sad that he's losing the girth of his bowel movements. Yeah. That's upsetting to me. Yeah. Yeah.

That is true. I'm looking forward to seeing, you know, when you, you know how your parents are for a while and then you go, I want to see them retired. I think it'd be fun to watch them as retired people. I think he's going to lose his mind. Dude, your dad, he's like nonstop action. Yeah. What's he going to do?

I don't know. It's really going to. He might golf like 24 hours a day. No, he won't. No. No, because he doesn't like golf anymore. What? Yeah.

He's over golf. What did that happen? Over the last probably 16, 18 months. Oh my God. He still plays sometimes, but he, every time he plays, he goes, yeah, I'm just not interested anymore. Maybe he'll find a new hobby. That's what I'm saying.

I think he's going to get into fishing. He needs a new thing to like explore. Yeah. I hear you bro. Yeah. Yeah. But Fartford was great. Oh yeah?

So many mommies came out. A wonderful mommies. To Manchester. Yeah. Manchester. Let's be real. Cognetic hunt. Cognetic hunt.

Yeah. It was awesome. So many jeans. Great to be in Fartterd. Did you say that? I didn't say Fartterd, no. But I did, I did call him out on being in Richmond. Yeah.

Manchester. Oh, sorry. Manchester. Yeah. Sorry. It's fun. It's a good time. I had a lot of steak.

Manchester's, like I had a car. I rented a car. And then the Olive Garden's like the most popular restaurant there. And I'm like, I cannot in good faith go to the Olive Garden. I just, I can't bro. How come you can't get down to the Olive Garden? Why not? I don't understand.

I don't see Olive Garden. Just when I know that there's like a better Italian in the world. Oh, of course. I cannot fucking eat there bro. But there's Olive Garden days, right? Isn't there a day for Olive Garden? What do you mean? Like Olive Garden's not for all occasions, but don't you have days where you go, it's

an Olive Garden kind of day. No, I don't. But I didn't, here's the thing. Again, I'm not opposed to it. I just don't have an entree that I'm hooked on there. Like a sizzler, I like the Malibu chicken, so that's what I would go there for. See, I feel like, I don't know. Are women like this?

Guys are like this, I think. This is, men have this thing where like, we have certain friends that are only friends one-on-one. Can you masturbate with? No, only friends one-on-one that you go like, you're not a friend for me to introduce to my spouse, other friends, family. You're like, you know this person and only it's like, it's somebody that you keep away from other people.

It's the wild card friend. You have a wild card. I'm a wild card friend. I think more women kind of don't really do that as much. Guys do that. Yeah. And equally, guys have things they would normally do, they normally wouldn't do that they'll do with certain, not necessarily with the wild card friend, but like, I wouldn't take

you out to Olive Garden, but if I was hanging out with a comic, you know, and I was in Hartford and he was like, you want to go to Olive Garden? I'd be like, all right, like because, it's because of the situation, right? It's because of the circumstances. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Because it's so awful. Oh, I thought, ironically, like it's like going to hometown buffet where you're like,

I mean, it's so awful. It's fun. I wouldn't say it. No, I wouldn't say it like that. It's a hometown buffet is awful. I've been there. Okay. That one I can't comment on.

I'm just saying, I go there based on the company. Oh, oh, I see. Yeah. See, I can't do that. Now, do women have wild card friends? Yeah. There's friends that are so crazy of mine that I know better than to bring around you because you'll be like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Okay. So that is the same. Because I know every, every dude has at least one or two friends that you're like, you go, yeah, you go like, I'm not bringing them home. Not around your wife. Yeah. You don't have more. It's like, Hey, you know, you're out and that person's out and you can hang out with

them somewhere different, you know, their place or public. And that's where that friendship lives. Of course. And that's totally normal. You're supposed to have friendships like that where they're just specific things. It's not, it's not, you don't go, you want to come up Thanksgiving, you should swing by two. You don't tell that guy that, you know?

No, I feel like there's things even I conceal from you about some of my friends so that you don't get the wrong impression. Yeah, sure. And I'll be like, yeah, he doesn't need to know it because it's out of context. Look, not, I'm not saying this to like build up some mystery, but like, you're not supposed to share everything about everybody, you know, no, no, yeah, if your, if your judgment tells you, I wonder if that would be a bad thing to share. You don't have to share it.

The answer is yes. Don't share. Don't share that shit. No, I've got friends that are animals that are lunatic animals. Really? That I know? Well, yeah, or just that they would say shit that you would roll your eyes at a lot. So I'm like, I'll just keep that from Tommy, doesn't need to know that friend.

I do the same thing. Like that. Yeah. And then I'll tell people that I, you know, I will start to like, like qualities about them. And then I'll be like, yeah, but they're kind of fucking crazy. You know? Yeah.

And you, and you need, you almost need to get away from them to see how fucking we're messed up. They are, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Sounds like your brain's really fucking rolling. You know why?

Cause there's someone in particular who, a friend of yours whom I adore, who is, is just I, you know, cuckoo bat shit a little bit, but like in a good way where you're like, oh my God, I love that guy. Really? Friends we're both friends with that you're like that guy. But the one of mine in particular that you first thought of? Who I really like. That is cuckoo bat shit?

I think, yeah, who's got like problems, impulse controls, things like that. That's every comedian. That's almost all of our comedian friends though. Yeah. I mean, they're all animals. Yeah. Fucking animals. They are.

I like that. Lot of feedback on that. Oh man. If you missed it, you know, we played a few ridiculous, ridiculous videos that Garth Brooks posted since he just joined social media. And you know, the first one is just preposterous. Official. We're now on Facebook.

I really wasn't sure about this at the start. Oh my God. Then a friend of mine said something that just made all kinds of sense. What did he say? She said, think of it more as a conversation. Oh. I like that. Okay.

But I'm already finding out on my own. So it's wiping the walls out between you and me. And I really like that. Oh yeah. It allows us into each other's worlds or I guess in my case, hotel room. Oh my God. When I think about things I want to post, I want to post cool stuff, slick stuff, neat stuff.

But most of the stuff I'm going to post is going to be raw stuff like this. This is just who I am. So this is truly a conversation. I don't like you. Can I say, let the conversation begin. Jesus Christ. It's so weird, right? It's disgusting.

What's this thing like wiping out the walls between it? It sounds like he wants to put his penis in your mouth. So what? Let him wipe those walls. I don't wipe it across your fucking face. Yeah. It sounds like he's a vegan vagina guy. It's a little like that for me where he's like, I'm doing you a favor by being on social

media. Yeah. And I'm going to give you 10 long licks. Finally. We have a good one. Did you hear that? Yeah. Of course.

Did you hear that? Who didn't hear that? That was, oh, that's not good. Oh, fuck man. I'm stewing in it. Why are you doing this? Why are you ruining everything? What was that?

That was a really interesting smell. Interesting? Yeah. It was like, it was a blended smell. Blended? I mean, it wasn't straight fart. It was not blowing. Don't go.

It's so gross. Vegetable. It smells like the, it smelled like the vegetable I ate. How is that possible that a fart smells exactly like what you ate? I had some hot ones yesterday because I was eating vegetarian tacos with my friends there. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Fucking fart on these fucking Swiss cakes.

Eat all of them. That last one was critical. He said, I'm going to fart on these Swiss cakes. Eat them. His thing about farting on the food and eating it is so wrong. It's so disgusting. Is that a thing in the fetish community? It's gotta be.

Write us and let us know. Is that a thing? That's a fart thing. That was the famous. That got sent to us. But she didn't eat it. She just sat on a cake and farted on it. Sure.

But why the need to eat the thing he farted on? That's a whole other level of Craig Craig. I don't know, man. Some girl keeps saying bling bling. That's what you just did right here. Sniffed that one, baby. He's so foul. Jesus.

Why can't I know more about you, King-ass river? What is up with you, man? Let us into your heart. Let us into your life, man. Let us be with you. You know what I mean? I'm talking about you from yummy. Hi, Foe.

Hi, Foe. Hi, Foe. Hi, Foe. Hi, Foe. All right. Oh, my God. He's so soft. I gave him a bath yesterday.

Yeah. And he smells like a fucking dream right now. Yeah, he does. He smells amazing. His hair is just a little bit too long. He's so cute. You want more garth grossness? Oh, let the conversation begin.

So let it begin. Oh, Facebook. He did this fucking, I don't know, what do you like? It was on Facebook. And it's at Facebook, headquarters. Oh, okay. So this is the panel? Yes, the panel event.

So he's sitting on a stage with two young people, three young people, just in normal chairs. And I guess it's a Q&A session. Yes, yes. With his fans, yeah. Okay. It's a good welcome, Garth. Thank you very much.

He stands up. Thank you. Why is he standing? Going to get that off. Okay. A friend of mine described social media as a conversation. Yeah, you like that. I like that.

Oh, that sounds familiar. I can talk about the music all day long. I can talk about Miss Yearwood all day long. And you guys want to talk about that stuff, I'm in. But I'm very happy to be here. Very thankful to be here. And I want to respect this and respect the people on the other side of it. Fair enough.

Fair enough. All right. That whole thing of like, fair enough. I'm being cool. Are you happy with that? Is that a defense of like, I'm being cool so you be cool? It is kind of a setup for that. I think it is.

Yeah. He's diffusing anybody being like, Garth, why are you so irrelevant to our generation? Like that kind of stuff. You're 80 years old. We don't know who you are. It's not that old, but you're kind of a dad boner. What's that all about? Garth, I noticed on your Twitter feed, you write love Garth at the end of your tweets.

You know, you don't have to do that, right, bro? We know it's you, motherfucker. We get it. It's your account, asshole. This is really exciting. It is exciting. I'm a huge fan of Facebook, so this is really exciting. Just a fan of Facebook, not of Garth.

Yes, this is really, really cool. So, and you just joined Facebook today, and if you turn around, you have over a million likes already. It hasn't even been 24 hours. That's sweet. That's pretty cool. Is that neat? It's raw.

It's slick. That's fuck. Very slick. Very sweet. This is so sweet. I have to ask you, is that good? Yes. It's so Jeanette B.

Wait a minute. Are you enjoying B? Wait a minute. He knows that that's good. Less than 24 hours, a million likes. I think he has an inclination, but he's milking her for the praise of a job well done. Is that good? Why don't you sass on over here and tell me if that's good or not?

In Texas, I don't know if a million is good. Do me a favor now. Top that off for me a little bit. Back on tour, and what has been the highlight so far. Wow. Well, the answer is hell yeah. This is awesome. Kind of the reason why I'm here today.

There's no doubt that people are going, okay, Facebook because you have a new album going out. Yes and no. Facebook because we were talking earlier when you said, why haven't I done this? Why haven't I shared my life? Because until four months ago, my life wasn't mine. That was really dramatic. He looks really dramatic when he says it.

He's standing right now. Everyone else is seated, right? My life. He's sitting right now. Oh, so let me know when he stands and gives a soliloquy. Yeah, he's done one already at the top. Okay. My life was my three girls.

Oh boy. Every day. Every day. Waking their mad ass up for school. Getting them there, dragging them to soccer practice and just listening to their world. And their world is not your world unless they choose it to be. That's also implying that you want to know about theirs because I'm super famous, but that's up to them, which is cool.

I respect it. You're a dad saying that I'm a celebrity and my kids get to choose that, but it's also kind of implying that you kind of want to know about it. Yeah. And another thing, do you really think that Garth Brooks is driving his kids to soccer practice? Every once in a while. I think he knows where it takes place.

And not the nanny that they've hired. Yeah. Come on. Some of the ranch hands. Yeah. Come on. And take it. Take it.

We have sleep. I can already see our emails this week. You know, I gave y'all a pass. You're going a little hard on my boy Garth and I don't really appreciate it. I can already see it. But that was 100% in my world. Now, as of August of this year, we move back to Nashville and we start to tour. And now my world is Miss Yearwood and music.

Happy to share that. That's awesome. And what I also found was the thing I love most about touring, which you'll learn if you haven't already, all the crap, no offense to record labels, no offense to the music business, all the crap that's in between you and the people that allow you to be you gets wiped out. Oh, I love that. That live show.

Oh, I love that. You're wiping out them walls. Oh, God. I can feel y'all. Can you feel this come? Yeah, exactly. Wipe my face with your penis, Garth. I want you to choke me with that, Garth.

Oh, man. You know that problem we were having with all those walls up? I'm going to take that wall away right now. Oh! Oh! Feels good. Oh! Oh!

The wall's gone. The wall's gone. Oh! The wall's gone. Oh! Oh! Garth! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Y'all can smell my fart. Y'all can smell those fucking farts, y'all. Now. So he's standing. He's standing out to show them that the walls are gone. And then when you perform, it's right fucking here.

And he's also looking at the camera, too. Is he making eye contact with the lens or is he? No. He's showing them that I'm right up on you when I perform. You're this close. Oh, my God. And that's what I like about this. This takes away all the barriers between me and the people that allow me to be an artist.

And I'm going to wear the hell out of it because it's a wonderful way to communicate back and forth. Wow! Thank you. I feel so blessed right now. I'm an artist, you guys. I feel so blessed right now. And let me ask this, though.

Is it that offensive in the country music world to just plug an album coming out? Like he says, he goes, you know, I'm on Facebook, not just to plug my album. God forbid. I mean, it's not like he's, you know, a different person by day. Like he makes his living writing and singing and performing music. So why can't he just plug an album? Is that considered not cool in country? Like just plug your album, bro.

Well, they're like, is the reason that you're, you know, this stuff's been around. You haven't been on it. Why now? It's because I have an album. Of course. Just say that. Why can't you be like, yeah, well, I got this album and I want you all to buy the fuck out of this album.

Right. Right. Hey, where's the song though? Where's our new Garth song? It's not on the list. Oh, the Garth song. Oh, it's in the email. You have to look it up.

I like that. You can search for the subject. I like that. Why don't you describe what we're about to do? Oh, it's pretty. Oh, am I supposed to? I'm asking you to describe the song. Yeah.

Well, sometimes I do you get mad at me because then you're like, you know, the punchline to that. Well, you don't have to tell them how the song goes. I'm just saying we're about to play a song, right? That has to do with, right? So submitted listener submission song and it meshes our favorite two of the best worlds right now. Yeah.

Very popular things going on right now. All right. Let's see. Oh, my Christ. I'm stopping. All right. All right. It was stuck in that email.

This is incredible. Yeah. Here we go. It's pretty good. I like that. I like that. Let the conversation begin. I like that.

I like that. I like that. And I really like that. It's between you and me and I really like that. Think of it more as a conversation. Well, I guess it's official. Let the conversation begin. I like that.

I like that. I like that. I like that. I like that. I like that. I like that. Let the conversation begin. It's incredible.

And you can page my dick and pull my liver. But too bad it won't fit in you. That's the best thing. You're in. You're in. Oh, my God. Hashtag. You're in.

You're the guy now. That was amazing. The incorporation of the Scales dudes. Yeah. Fucking brilliant, bro. Thanks for doing that. That's incredible. Do you know what else he does?

Like someone needs to tell Garth how to use social media because he's totally dad bonering. Like on Facebook, I was looking at his page and he'll say Garth tweet and then he'll like repost to Twitter. Yeah. And then on Twitter, he writes Love G. He's like, dude, you don't have to do that. This is by the way. He's so weird.

We know that. No one's telling him. Yeah. I like that. It was made by Daniel. I want to say it's Picina, like Italian. It's either Daniel Piscina. I don't think it is.

I think it's Picina. Daniel, you killed it. That's so fucking funny. Really good work. Now, some people might be. They might be confused. Like what's the second thing if they weren't, you know, if they didn't know. The second part of the song had our boy Shane, who was teaching you how to get the, he was

teaching the third octave. You remember? That's what you were hearing was Shane's. The Muppet? He was singing with Garth. It's good. So that was both. That was amazing.

It does sound like the Muppets, right? This thing is the best. Like animals doing scales. It does sound like it. So people flipped for, you know, they mistakenly labeled this guy as a Brazilian and one of these. He's speaking Spanish clearly. Well, I'll tell you, I listened to.

Oh my God. Okay. Okay. So somebody has cut this where it's the goat version. Oh, shit. It's not that far off. That's the thing. It's not that far off.

I know. Jesus. Is this, this, can a, does somebody who actually knows this, is this how it's supposed to go? I'm sorry. I want to know how it's supposed to get like somebody who teaches, I mean, this guy, he speaks with so much confidence. Like, what is that video supposed to sound like? Are we supposed to hear some change?

Yeah, you are. You're supposed to match the sound of the, the key that he's pressing. Like, you know, dang, dang. And then you want to hear somebody else made a herd, a herd of him doing this. Okay. Okay. My Dunkirk. I can't, more, more.

It's like a thousand of them. This is stupid. It's pretty amazing. God bless the internet. Yeah. Oh, we do now without the internet. I love all the remixes. That's what the internet's good for.

Yeah. Taking some shit and remixing it. It's pretty incredible. Get your life, goat man. See if somebody manipulated this one. There's another video up. See if they did it or not. There we go.

I could watch these. So good. Hours and hours and hours, man. So good. I thought the first time you played him that he might be a deaf person. Right. Maybe he can't match the... He's not deaf.

He's not. And that's the thing. He's like your uncle, like your crazy uncle. But usually when you make an instructional video, you have the confidence that you're... Because there are so many helpful YouTube videos for any subject where an expert has shown you how to do it. His is not one of those. His doesn't fall into that category. But a lot of people, usually they really know what they're talking about.

They show you how to do it. They do it because they know what they're talking about. I mean like... Like Shane is less of an expert, I think. Oh, I love Shane. He's not as good. Not as confident. Kind of waivers there.

He is out of his fucking mind. Well... Okay. It's hard to be good at so many things. Because Shane's also a master swordsman. He demonstrates sorting and nunchucks and gaming and... He sings songs too. Like he'll sing Madonna songs and stuff.

It's hard to keep up with his talent. Let's see. He's doing one right here. It's me Shane Lee. I got a request to the Dancing Queen. This time, Chitmunk style. There's a TV on in the background. Most of the time.

When somebody is going to do a song request at home. They'll turn the TV off in the background. Sure. But you get to hear both. And he's going to do Dancing Queen as a Chitmunk. Dancing Queen. Being the Dancing Queen. Yeah.

Yeah. It sounds just like Abba. I thought it was Abba. It's pretty good. Everybody likes music. Getting in the swing. Come on. Dancing Queen.

Man. Hey Bobby. Captain. That's fine. Why are you doing it? Okay. Do you think he got a lot of requests to do the Dancing Queen and Chitmunk? I don't know.

I came down with a little bit of a cold. Oh. But I wanted to show you what I can do with a cold. Okay. Now with the cold, you'll hear it in my throat. But. What's with his mouth? What is happening?

He's showing you his vocal range. That's my real voice as well. Wow. Where I can go real low like this or something. Just because I've got like a cold that don't mean I can't do my act. All right. It's like a kid with a camera. I remember when you first got a video camera when you were a child.

Yeah. It doesn't look like a kid. You make shows. Hello everyone. How are you today? It's me, Shane Lee. Now a guy named Daniel. Okay.

What? You don't want to explore his talent somewhere? No, I do. Listen. We should do a little. We need to get Shane on the show. I know that. I'm a little reticent.

I don't know if he's all there. I'll try. What? Just do it. I'll try it. Come on. You can make it happen. I don't.

Yeah. You can make it happen. We'll see. Another thing that was brought to our attention was this man in Trinidad. First of all, I can listen to people from the island's talk all day. Yeah, right? Yeah. How come accents make everything so much better?

I don't know. I was always like that with British. Like, you know, here listening to British people speak, it always makes it more entertaining. I don't know. Engaging something about it. It's the best. And they got, they got a different way. They got a different way of saying things.

Yeah. You know, like, you know, Margaret Thatcher, I was watching something. She was, and she was like, the lady will not or something stupid. You know, like they talk. They don't talk. They don't talk American. That's what I'm saying. It's not the right way to talk.

They do it whilst they're doing other things. The lady will not have it. I'll also on down to now. I'll be the season. Mr. Carson gets together. I don't know. Oh, hello, Bernadette. Someone said she had a speech impediment that she's always had and that we were assholes.

No, no, no. And I was like, really? She does have a little bit of a like a let's be thing or something. Right. But that's not what was going on. That's not the same thing. No, you need to watch Downton rediscovered to be able to accuse or defend her of such a thing.

We watched it top to bottom. Yeah. No, that was not. I know what they're talking about. That was not her, her affect. Bernadette was not. It wasn't an affectation. She was on something else.

The fresh champagne has always been celebrated. It's excellent. Orson. Orson action. It's not going to do anything. I don't even have that one queued up. But he goes action. Orson.

He goes. I was not doing anything. Cut. No. It's not going to do anything. He's not going to do anything. He's not going to do anything. Good morning.

How are you going? How are you going? It's a real good mood. How are you going? Isn't he sweet? He's very happy. No, can we have a look at this? Yeah.

This is like the human version of FIFA, I feel it. I know. I love it. Morning. How are you going? That's some really good food this morning. So happy. Very happy.

Good morning. How are you going? It's a real good mood this morning. OK. Apparently, a post-second on my wall reported me to Facebook for frontal nudity. Now, most of the times, it's just my face has been showing. So I tried to figure out what frontal nudity. So I went back and look at all of my videos and the only thing I could fucking notice

is nipples. My nipples has been showing. So this morning, I don't want to offend any of my fans. So Aboro and Marie Bra, you see? Check me out. I hide in my nipples. So you can't see my nipples at all. Minipples.

Minipples. You can't see. Minipples. Minipples. It's also the English go. Many nipples. But that's super low class. That's lower class.

Right. Like quote unquote. You know. I like how that big nipples is out. I can't see my nipples. Yeah. Because apparently that fucking woman does be watching my nipples. Does be watching my nipples.

Yeah. You think all are a pussy cunt? Yes. That's great. That pussy cunt. Never heard that before. No, me neither. It's a new one.

I'm talking to you. It's mother cunt Glen Ramada Singh. What? Right. Because Glen is the only person who's been grabbing people fucking nipples. Listen to me. You know what I can understand? You.

You watching my videos. And most of the times we're talking about serious topics. I mean, obviously there's a community that does put it across funny. But most of the times we're talking about serious stuff. And all you seen sweeter that is my fucking nipples. And it haunting you at night. What happened? What's your problem?

What happened? I feel it's not my nipples you want to know. You want a fucking hard Indian prick. That is what you need. Whoa. Little rapey now. Is this kind of Batwa? Is that what we're getting into now?

I guess. This is the most fun accent I've ever heard in my life though. This is my favorite one. Yeah. When my nipples are maybe hard raping you now. Is that what he's saying? He's like, you need a big Indian dick in you. That's what he's threatening the raper now, right?

There's scenes in the movie Belly that reminds me of. Remember Belly? Yes. That's where your nickname comes from. Tommy Buns. Yeah, exactly. What's the guy? We're in the Batwa.

Let's see. Tom is running. I'm passing. I'm running. Remember that Beastie Boys thing too? Yeah. That's the same accent, right? I'm running.

I'm passing. I'm running. This him right here. Oh yeah. He says some wild shit in this movie. You're kind of hot. Yeah. I don't want to rush, I don't want to fuck with you.

The police all are watching. The police all are watching. Lord Clarke, I ain't going back to jail though. I ain't going back to jail. Next time the county or the state see me, it's going to be in the back. I'm thinking you was a real dread man. Are you scared because you're good? Hold on, hold on, hold on.

You're coming to my house. Don't you ever bring scared business to me. You're looking at the toughest brass class in the United States of America. I run shit. I kill for nothing. And I make lots of money. I deal with business. Don't bring that shit to me again.

You hear me? I'm saying though, it wasn't like that. You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to get on, man. I'm hungry. I need this shit. You know how I get down, man. You know what I'm saying?

You know how I get down, though. I need this shot. We need to have like a belly screening. I think for the holidays. Why don't we do this on Christmas? It's a Christmas film, right? If we should bring a belly over it to Brie Brie's on Christmas with his parents there and his wife's parents and everybody's sitting around and watch this on Christmas.

That's a neat Christmas movie idea. You think so? I really like that. Yeah. But you hear how Louis Rankin talks? He's like 10. He's saying, his, you know what I'm saying, is saying. Did you pick up on it?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Not really. He would say something and he goes saying. I can't understand about every fifth word these guys say with this accent. But his first one is really clear. He says something and then hear him say saying. I don't want to. I don't want to ask.

I don't want to fuck with you. Look how you are. What the fuck was that? The police all are watching. See it? The face is good. I watch it. All right?

Blood clot. No. I ain't going back to jail though. Blood clot. No. You hear me? You hear me? I'm saying, it wasn't like that.

You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to get on, man. I'm hungry. I need this shit. You know how I get down, man. You know what I'm saying? I feel like that's me. That's you, yeah.

That's buns. I said, I think you can hang with that. I know I can. I know it. I don't think about it still. You understand? I don't say. I don't do it.

I don't think about it. You understand, man? Yeah. I saw this. Just helping it out, man. That's what I'm trying to do. It hurts. It hurts.

Anything. Anything. Big pussy cloud fever. Big pussy cloud fever. He said the pussy thing again. Maybe it's pussy cloud. It's pussy cloud, not pussy cunt. Huh.

Interesting theory. Anything. Big pussy cloud fever. I don't know what to find out. I don't understand half of what this guy's saying. That's great. I really like it. Well, what was neat about that clip is that there was an international, you know what

I'm saying now. Yeah. Yeah, that is. It's like saying. We had American and then I'm assuming this guy's Trinidadian. He says Jamaican though, right? Well, in this movie, yeah, it's Jamaican. It's not the same.

But you know, they have very similar, I don't know, right? Dialects. Yeah. Accents, dialects. Yeah. No, I'm saying. Saying? No.

Do you remember the opening to this movie? It's so good. No cry. Yeah. Oh yeah. Is that the song? No, it's a steady. Are you ready?

You like that song? I like that song a lot. But it's while they rob the strip club. Yeah, I don't really remember this movie. And they have the black lights going on, their eyes light up. It's directed by Hype Williams. So it's like a music video director. That's why it looks really cool.

Slick, raw, neat. However you want to say it, you know, it's like a raw, neat slick movie. Let's go back to Trinidad. You see, some of all you don't know how to mine all your own fucking business. True. I am saying if you're watching my videos and are disturbing you, stop watching them. I am not doing this for you. I am doing this because I love to do it.

Me don't give a fuck what you think. I don't care. But for my fans, I don't want to let it be disturbed. You see people like Ann Marie Garou and all the other people like Terry Lal and things. I don't want to let it. Oh. I don't want to get horny watching my nipples. So I have borrowed a bra from Annie, as you see, to protect myself.

Right. Right. So that you all don't have to worry again about looking at my nipples. And I will try my best to keep the camera straight up so all you would see is my face. Look now. All it has fucking killed me with love. You know, I can't believe it. I've doted people still.

So, you know, don't know what you said. There'll be no breaking and no taking of coral in the glass bottom boat. You can look at the coral. That's the real speech. But don't take the coral. Don't break. Don't take the coral. That's from Gerardo.

Greg Gerardo. Oh, really? Yeah. His last special. God, I miss that guy. No breaking and no taking of coral. He really says that. And then Gerardo is his hand.

He goes, wait a minute. Can we break or take any of the coral? No. We just finished saying that. That's a great bit. We just finished. No. Yeah.

They're so cute, right? You guys can't be scientists. Like, you can't hear him saying official stuff, you know, like, could you have him diagnose you with some disease? You'd be like, oh, you're so cute. You've got cancer. It's terminal man. It's time for the concert.

You're like, oh, you're so cute. Steady. Oh, you. Where's that? Your balls are going to shrivel and rat off. God damn it. He's going to rat. What you looking for, Gene?

I wanted to see that robbery scene, you know, where they come in and they rob the place. Let's see if I can find it online. It's so cool. It's like one of the best opening, let's see, opening scene. This might be it here. If this is it, I'm going to be real happy. Such. A lot of people love this movie.

Here it is. A lot of people do. Yeah. Dudes love this movie. It's a dude movie. I don't hear a lot of people talk about it. I've heard people. Boys like this movie.

Really? Yeah. I was in college when this came out and I, you know, smoking a lot of weed. All they do in this movie is smoke tons of weed. It's the best movie to smoke weed to. It's cinematically very satisfying because it's shot so well. Come on. Black light.

You remember this scene, right? No. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a good scene. It's the old jam. It's the old jam. Their eyes are, you know. They're glowing the black light.

And they're black too. They're very black. Yeah. Nas and DMX. It's pretty black. You kind of got a... I can sing just like her. What's going on?

What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? Steady, are you ready? Mom! Mom! Mom! I wish that guy would do the hits.

He could do this. What about Shane? Why don't we write him to do this song? It's a great idea. I got a request. I want to look around. What's going on? Which practice are you feeling like today?

I feel like all five listening to this shit. I know the song. Jeans me. Jeans it. It's about to, and then the whole time you have the anticipation of the drop, right? When's it going to drop? The 90s. Who sang this song in Vogue?

No. They might have done a version of it, but this was a... It's the practice. Yeah, you got it. I'm feeling like... I think Tawanda today. Soul to soul. No idea who that is.

Soul to soul. Come on, Garth. It's not like Garth Brooks. That's neat, slick. I mean, it's all slick and neat and raw, but... However do you, Mommy? However do you, Jeans it. I think it plays, you know, the most hood guy, Jamaican guy ever.

Is Louis Rankin, who does, you know... Yeah, yeah. He's an actual reggae musician. But this dude really... Pretty hard chord, I think. Hard fucking chord, Jamaican. I think she's going... Music's too loud on their interview.

Jamaica, outside of the resorts, a little dicey. Can get pretty real. He had a friend tell me he went to Jamaica with his wife and kids on a cruise. Kids stayed on board with a babysitter. He and his wife got off and then he told them, take me to like Smokeweed and they... He said all of a sudden when he was surrounded by all these dudes and they're nowhere close to their ship,

that he started to just get... And he started smoking. He got the paranoia set in. He was just... He said it was the worst anxiety he's ever had. Because, you know, he was just this big dopey white dude standing out there in some field. There you go.

That's how you get took. That's how you get taken. That's how tokens get taken right there. He gets snatched up. You know, a pot's not legal there. You can't smoke. That's hilarious, isn't it? A lot of people don't know that.

No, you gotta be careful as a tourist. Yeah, a lot of people don't know that. A pot is not legal. Which is hilarious. Yeah, and I remember I was there. I did the one stupid challenge I did for Road Rules in Real World. We did it in Jamaica, which is why I agreed to go. And I remember all the contestants,

not all of them, but a few of them, would talk to the natives there and they would be like, is everything I read? You know, like try to use the lingo. And I remember Jamaican being like, nobody fucking says that shit. You know, they create all this violence. We don't say that.

Try to solve violence. Try to solve it by, you know, opening up a welfare department like what the United States, Canada and those countries do. You understand people paying taxes in America now. So I feel that some other tax money should go towards the SMI, single mothers in progress. All right, so he's a little supporting single mothers.

Very seductive accent. It is good. I feel like I want 10 guys in a circle around me talking like that. You know, there's videos like that. Really? Yeah. Jamaican only or Trinidadian?

I'm pretty sure. Okay. Let's see. Specifically, I like that accent. We're gonna come on your face now. Oh, my God. And then I'm like, all right. Oh boy, I get pot after this.

Will you guys give me the weed you promised? Yeah, yeah. Just keep your mouth open and put the weed in there. Do you want to see a husband again? I'm sorry. Hi, Fifo. Hi, buddy. Let me see.

However, do your mommy. However, do your jeans it? However, do your jeans now? However. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is AMK. All right. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't hear any patois. It's coming. Damn. Damn. Do you want the drugs? Hmm. 10 guys.

There needs to be 10 at least, though. Come on. It doesn't sound like 10. There's not a lot of chatter. Like the youngsters. All right. All right. All right.

Come on. It's disturbing. Hi, Fifo. Well, he's looking me like I owe him something right now. I'm a little afraid. He's been hiding knives in his bed lately, too, which is alarming. What? You didn't tell me this.

Yeah. He's not really into being called Fifo. He insists on being called Roshan Malik, that whole Muhammad thing. And I'm like, I can't yell that out in our neighborhood. Roshan Malik, Muhammad, it's got to be Fifo, you know? Yeah. Yeah. And I don't think you should ever...

No, not in this neighborhood. You shouldn't do Muhammad or any of that stuff. Well, it's just too long to yell. It's not even actually a neighborhood issue, I guess, but whatever. Yeah. However, dear mommy. However. Do you jeans it?

I think he might have to shit. You think so? Yeah. Can we just pause just in case so he doesn't take a shit in the house? Sure. Did Roshan shit? No. He just looked at me like, bitch, you didn't want to fucking go out there raining.

Cold as that. He didn't want it. I'll put this fucking rain, man. I know. If you don't like it, he gets scared of the lightning. He won't admit it, but he gets scared of the thunder. Yeah. He goes, ooh, mommy, I don't like it.

I don't like it. I don't like it. But he pretends like he's hard. You know, like he flexes and stuff. I think shit. Right. It's a really good impression. You just did him.

I know. I listened to him all the time. Wow. How am I not going to speak like him? He does smell like a fresh wash blanket with softener, you know? That's what he smells like. Yeah, and I started giving him the pill form of that flea treatment instead of that greasy shit that's on his back.

Better? Yeah. Oh, did he give you back the thing? Yeah. The thing? The teeth enzyme thing. Yeah. Good.

Is this Trinidadian dude saying more great stuff? I'm sorry? This guy. Does he say more good stuff? I mean, it's similar. Yes. Stupid fucking people. Stupid fucking people.

Stupid fucking people. All right. I like that. I like that a lot. There's some weird shit that we got too. Let's see. What is this shit here? Oh, yeah.

This is great. This is Alexis, lady. Some of you might recognize her voice. This is her voice. Dick, I'll make you slap somebody in the face. Okay. A lot of wisdom in that. Just tell you new shit here.

Even if you do not get penetrated and have anal sex, then you still have an obligation to lift your nuts sack up and go all underneath the crack round the back of y'all nuts and all around. And then they say all around your dick too. They say the dick be stankin' because they say, especially if you got that foreskin around y'all dick, they say y'all don't be pulling that dick back. The old people call all that crust and that, but I'm around underneath your dick skin. So they say the skin have all kind of grease and backed up funk and shit caked all around

y'all dick. Man, I didn't know y'all men was out here doing it like that. What? I didn't know it got that far because I knew that initially this video was about instructing men to wash their balls. Well, no. The origin, if you really want to study this. Yes, I'd like to.

And really take in what she's saying. Her friend who is gay asked her to share this video. I think the idea was to get it out to gay men. He was telling her that he's experiencing a lot of guys aren't washing their nuts or their dicks. Right. That's why she says y'all. Y'all aren't doing that.

And they're saying. Right. So she's telling it to the, but I think it's a message for all communities. But I, my understanding is that she goes, well, and if the men are experiencing this and the women must be too. And that's why she thought she would put this public service announcement out to let men know that they have to wash their balls. Yeah.

And their dicks. And their dicks too. Not just the balls excluding the dick and not just the dick excluding the balls. But she's saying. Interesting. She's saying especially. Especially. Yeah.

Uncircumcised dicks. Cause then the, she's saying y'all ain't pulling that flat back and getting all the crust and the funk that's built up. Y'all asking somebody face stinking or going up in somebody ass stinking like that. That boy said this shit got to stop. He said, y'all need to wash. Okay. Wash your nuts.

Pull your skin back around your dick. Get all that hard, caked up crust and dough and shit. All up under your dick head and around that damn skin. That foreskin. They said, he said, pull it. I don't have way. He said, pull it all the way back. Straight that shit off.

And then he said, when y'all shit and wipe y'all air with that toilet. He said, be pieces of particles of shit. Oh my God. And pieces of tissue and shit. Be cake around y'all asshole. No. Maybe y'all need to shave and cut that hair around y'all ass. And don't just depend on that toilet tissue to do the trick.

You know, take y'all some down on massing gill, dust your ass out. Take some of them feminine wipes or some of them Clorox wipes or something. After y'all have. Did you hear that? Did you hear that? Someone's been listening to the top dog. Wow. School of wiping.

And I got to say, I'm impressed. Alexis, you need to wipe down. That's really something. I can't believe it that she actually advocates that too. She must be listening to our show. She's got to be. Of course. Obviously.

Of course. That's true. Do you think people really have stuff attached to their butts and then. Of course. My asshole, but it's all dirty down there. Dudes. I think that's why she made this video for dudes. I think dudes are grosser.

So I think she's saying that this guy is having a lot of sexual encounters where hygiene is not a priority because he's fucking guys. Guys are pigs. Can't imagine. Yeah. Women usually take care of themselves a little better. Rank. Well, yeah, your bum hole.

If someone's going to put their mouth on it, the least you can do is tidy up down there. Yeah. Or even if they're skipping the mouth and they're just going to, you know, shove their cock and balls in there. Yeah. You still should probably try to clean it up a little bit. Yeah. I think she's right.

I think you need to wash your assholes. I think so too. I think she's doing a really good public service here. You know what I actually don't like? She mentions earlier before I played this, that it's not her usual camera person. Her usual camera person is a woman and this is a guy. The guy is laughing and it's taking away from the message. I think so too because it's a very serious message.

It is. And to mock it. Yeah. And to laugh like this is a comedy video. It's not a comedy video. It's not a comedy. She's doing a public service. So.

You're disrespecting. Here's what you're disrespecting. Yeah. Dirty nuts. Yeah. Dirty dicks and dirty assholes. Absolutely. And the joy that all those things can have together by laughing at this.

I agree. I agree. It's disrespectful. Yeah. You shouldn't laugh at this. This is serious stuff. Your ass cheat and go around from your nuts to your butt. And really just, you know, put some soap and lava, not no damn caramel and dove, neither.

Put some of that oxygen soap around that octagon soap or that dial soap or that lasso. Octagon soap. What is octagon soap? Is that a brand? Lasso soap. Lasso and octagons. There's a new brand I don't even know about. Maybe that's the strongest ass cleaning soap you can get is octagon.

That'd be great if there was a soap just for your ass soap. That's where MMA fighters fight in the octagon. So that makes sense. Oh, that's what that's from. Sure. It's a guy who was like, I get it. Fighters fight in the octagon. Right.

And plus their butts are probably the gamiest after sweating. Could you imagine with that? Imagine a pre-fight shit is pretty common. You're about to fight. Yes. Of course. Yeah. And I bet cleaning is not a priority.

Well, you're, you know, you gotta hurry. You gotta go. You gotta go to the ring. Yeah. I used to take really hearty dumps before stand up for years. You told me that. You used to take anxiety dumps. Always attracted me.

Yeah. I remember that. You said all day you would dump. Yeah. Just thinking about it. All day just thinking. And then by year seven, it was just a pre-show dump. Not an all day dump.

But that pre-show dump was a little gamey. I'm not gonna lie. It was, I always had a shower at the end of the night. Huh. How about now? Is it pretty? Now dude, I can take a nap before I perform. I don't feel anxiety at all.

That's good. Unless it's like televised. Unless you're doing television. That sucks. But otherwise, how about you? Do you take pre-game dumps? Not usually. I mean, no, it's not my common thing.

I mean, sometimes I have to, but no. Normally I can just stroll in there. Yeah. What do you do when you have anxiety when you get nervous? I feel it in my stomach. Yeah. I do too. Sometimes I shit.

Yeah. A big thing if I have real anxiety, like it's not much higher than show and anxiety. If I have anxiety, life anxiety, I can't eat. I'm not hungry or anything. Wow. And for you, that's like code red. Yeah, that's severe. Yeah.

I've never, oh, I've seen you like that. If I'm like really emotional as something fucked up over something, you know, depressed. Yeah. It's gotta be, it's not like, oh, I'm kind of bummed out about this. I'm saying like it's heightened, you know. Yeah, me too, actually. Bad. Yeah.

Somebody died or something. Yeah. That kind of thing. Well, like breakup diet. Yeah. Yeah. You break up with someone. It's the best time.

You lose so much weight. God, you're so good. Yeah. Man, what are we gonna get on that? I know, the breakup diet. Poof. It's kind of perfect because you're newly single and now you're super skinny too. Yeah.

It's like the best time. Makes sense. It's like an adaptive response, you know. It is. Nature is telling you, you gotta get back out there. We gotta thin you down because you're porked up. Yeah. When you're with somebody.

You fucking pig? Yeah. Yeah. Huh. It's interesting. Real interesting. How much weight will you lose if we break up? I think about 40 pounds.

Really? Yeah. But how long will you be sad for? For when? Like let's say we divorce. How long will you be sad? What, but like when would I be sad? Oh, like.

Don't understand the question. Okay. How long will you be sad? Depressed. Because of? I was breaking up or anything. You wouldn't feel. Are you saying that like because I'm hungry because I'm losing weight, I'm sad?

Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Oh yeah. That'd be hard because I'm not used to eating. I would be eating less than I normally would. That's what you're saying. Yeah. Okay.

Right? Yeah. No, I felt the same way. How long would you be sad? Until I met those 10 Trinidadian guys. Jesus. 10. You think you could dial it back a little bit?

10. Yeah. 10 on my closest friends. 10 sounds like a lot. It's not. It sounds like a lot. Yeah. I hope that's your fucking new boyfriend.

What if I ended up being with ass ripper after you? That's what I'm saying. What would you feel? Joy. Overwhelming joy. The only thing that would like give me joy about it would be to see you with somebody like that. That would give me joy.

The thing that would crush me would be to see you like really happy with someone. I imagine divorced people do feel that way. If you hate the person when you divorce, you're like, oh my God, I'd hate to see them happy with you. It's so crazy. Yeah. What are you doing? I don't want to see that.

What are you licking your thumb for? Weirdo. Come put it in my butt. Am I supposed to put it in dry? I'm trying to get it in there. No. Have you ever accidentally fingered your own butt hole? Yes.

What? I was trying to play with the outside. No, you weren't. No, you weren't. No, of course. Wiping, scratching. Oh, shit. And it just slides in, just like the tip, slides in, barely goes in, and you're like, oh no.

I think there's nothing more horrifying in life is when you're wiping your butt hole and then you miss it like, oh, and your finger just graces that brown, and you're like, oh, the horror, like it's on your fucking hand. The paper tear, and you're like, oh fuck, but there's the time where the finger, it's worse than that. It goes in your butt hole, and you feel that heat, that wet warmth around your finger, and you're scared, and then you kind of accept it, and you're like, oh, it feels good first thing.

I don't accept it. I don't like that. And you're like, let that in, leave that in there a little while longer. I just had, I hate when it ends up on my hand. That's the worst. Yeah, brown on your hand, that's no good. I hate brown on my hand. Round y'all ass, and really wash that shit and go all the way up in the crack of y'all

ass and clip that half around your asshole, and make sure you dig all up around your asshole to get all that shit that's packed up around it, because they said that even though this boy told me, he said, even though y'all wipe y'all ass, your ass still be stinking when he get in the bed with you, boy, I ain't never heard no man talk about no another damn man like this boy just talked about y'all to me, so he been putting pressure on me so damn bad about it. I'm gonna put this up tonight. It's Sunday, what, February the 3rd, 2008, that boy said y'all ass stank, and y'all need

to get this together for y'all, bring y'all dick and nuts to go over there and go up in his butt and go to his house. We'll be back with more Ask Alexis. Well, I didn't know it was like this, nigga ass stinking off the damn chain, and y'all my women's stank, pussy stank, boy this boy said y'all ass is motherfucking fuming, do you know what I mean? Tighten that shit up, go back over to that boy house with your nuts and shit on, like tighten up, boy, boy, we'll be back.

Tighten up, world. Dude, I didn't, she dropped a big word, and she did the tighten up. She did a big word, she did a tight, tighten up, and she did wipe with the fucking corks. Tighten up, world. Yeah, she did it all, man. It's pretty amazing. Yeah. It's crazy, man.

How does she know about Top Dog? Maybe they know each other. Tighten up, world. That is unbelievable, that's so good, man, that is so good. I'm tapped out, man. What's going on? Are you fried? Yeah.

We've had quite a long day. It's been a long day for me. Why don't you tell them what you did? All right, so my parents live about a little over an hour and a half from Orlando. From where? From Momlando. Thank you. Thank you.

I visited them over the weekend, and just because of my carrier of choice in the air and my refusal to connect when it's not necessary, the only option for me to fly back from the East Coast to LA was a 6 a.m. flight today. It's painful. Initially, I was like, I will just get up at 3 a.m. and drive and do it that way, but every day, this is what happens every time, it's never changed in 15 years of going back to my parents' house. I sleep less and less every day.

Part of it's still, it's guilt, hey, it's 10, you're not up, and I'm like, I came from the West Coast. I'm three hours behind. Then it's the noise level, then it's the actual architecture of the home. I slept with earplugs in, door shut, let the dog, put it this way. By the end of the trip, I'm 10 times more exhausted than the beginning, so then I was like, man, if I try to get up at 3 in the morning and do this, I don't know if it's even possible to drive at that time, feeling this tired, so I went up the night before.

I went up last night to Orlando and I got a hotel room and basically was able to get a few hours of sleep, got up at 4.30 and then got on the flight. Then I got back here, I went to an audition immediately after and then shrink and then just haven't stopped. So it's just- Been on stop since yesterday. Yeah. I'm just tired, man.

It's exhausting. I gotta say, a lot of people have been asking us, we get tweets and questions every day about are we going to twice a week or are we gonna keep it? The whole thing is that we're gonna stick to once a week for now because I don't wanna try to promise twice a week and not fulfill it, but the reason that we're doing it is not because we wanna cut it down, it's because our schedule is crazy. There are some mommy things in the works that we need to give our time to right now. Put it that way.

Show business stuff, guys. But that doesn't mean we're going to neglect you, we're just gonna change things a little bit. What I wanted to ask you is, I wonder if everybody feels this way when they see their family. Do you get physically exhausted after spending time with your mom and dad and sisters? Sometimes yes. What I feel like, I feel like that exhaustion always, it always varies and wavers depending on who's, there's always some type of drama when you visit family and if you're involved

in it, your trip and you're the visitor, it really wears on you. It really like, it's taxing. When it's somebody else, you're kind of like, you're kind of witness to it. It's exhausting in a different way. It's like being around it is exhausting, but at least it's not as emotional. This particular trip, there's always some type of drama in my family's house. I was not involved in any of it, so it wasn't as, but I feel like, I think I've said it before on the show and I know I've said it to you.

The older I get, the more I feel like you have to have like hard outs and you got to shorten those trips. You can't do, I mean, a few years out of college, I would go home for two weeks or something, you know? That's what I would do in my mid-20s. Negative. I gotta tell you, my dad came over here on Sunday for like 45 minutes. That fool left.

I had a headache and I had to take a nap immediately and I was like, oh, Jesus Christ, there's something to drink. It's like 45 minutes alone with your parent is enough to make you like, just fucking, makes you want to fight somebody. Makes you want to. Woo! Right, right. Yeah.

I wonder if everyone feels that way. It's probably not a good sign. You know what I think it is though? Don't you think it varies on the relationship with each person? Yes. Like there are people that don't wear on me and my family at all, you know? No, you can hang with them. Yeah.

They're totally cool. It's about them being easygoing and easy to be around too. Most of them. There's an order in that for my immediate, like my dad's by far the easy, he's just easy to be around. I could, I could kick it with the dog for, for days and be totally fine. You know what? He's low maintenance.

Yeah. I know his things. Everybody has their quirks. So there's things that I just know about him, but they're not, they don't really wear on you. They're not, you're not like, fuck. Dude. No, you know what it is?

Because the dog is a self-contained unit. Right. He doesn't, he doesn't want to sap your soul energy. He doesn't want anything from you. Right. He's content just sitting and watching Turner classic movies. He feels good about it. He likes to lane his boxers and fart and scratch and that's his M.O.

And you're like, that's, that's his bliss. Yeah. His big thing now is, uh, he's a new level of online chess where he used to go into his cave to play it. You know, you can read that. Yeah. Well now his iPad and his cell phone are synced up to it and he has 12 games going at once. 12.

12 at once. All different chess games. Wow. So like you'll just be talking to him and he'll reach down and you think he has a text message and he's like, what are you doing? He's like playing chess and you're like, uh, could you, he's like, hold on. He's got to make a move. Hold on a second.

And he's like, he puts it away. Hey, and then he's back and then a few seconds. Oh, my favorite. I was like, let's watch this, uh, Billy Corbin, the guy who made cocaine cowboys. Oh, right. He, uh, not the smashing pumpkins lead singer. No. Am I saying his name wrong?

I think that's Billy Corbin. Oh yeah. So anyways, he has a new documentary that premiered on ESPN. Yeah. One of those 30 for 30s. Like they're great. Great. Yeah.

Um, it was the you part two about University of Miami. It's his second installment. It's fantastic. If you have a chance to record it, um, a lot of them are ending up on Netflix pretty quickly. So maybe it'll end up there. Uh, it's probably on iTunes, but it was really good. It's the second part. So, you know, my parents, parents live pretty close to South Florida.

So I'm like, Hey, do you want to explain to him kind of the, you want to watch it? And he's like, yeah, I'm like, all right, cool. Let's watch this thing together. Are you ready? Yeah. And he's like, let's watch this, you know, it's like a setup to watching it, you know, everybody good. You got your drink.

You're good. Look over. Looking at his iPad. Like this is like, and he's, and the movie is like, you know, being, the story's being told. It's a documentary. I go, Hey. He goes, yeah.

I go, what are you doing? You're not watching. It's the whole thing. I'm just watching, making this move. And then I kind of watch him. He's just watching his iPad. Like, look, like, you know, figuring out his next move, puts it down, watches, you like it?

This is really good. 15 minutes there. Look up. iPad. Unbelievable. Didn't you tell me that he, like he doesn't like to chat with the people that he plays with either? That was the best.

So I realized I don't play online chess, but I figured that with anything that you can play against someone, there's a chat option. I go to. Do you talk to people? He goes, no. And I go, they go, you can't chat. He goes, well, you can't. People want to chat, but, you know, I don't like it.

I go, what do you do? He goes, one guy kept trying to talk to me. So I send him a message. I'm here to play chess, not talk to you. And I go, wow, I said, what did the guy say? He goes, he said, that's not very nice. And then he threw in like, you fucking idiot. Like it was one of those things.

He's like, fucking clown, play fucking talk to you. I like that he straightens people out. Like that's old school. You know, he's like, I'm just here to play. So fucking chat with you. It's very old school. Yeah. I'm not here to fuck around.

You fucking fat. So yeah, try me. You fucking try me. He's so rad with the chess, man. Oh my God. Jean's next week's, it's, uh, I think, or no, yeah, almost. Baby Asia's got his birthdays coming. Again, baby Asia is going to be born and we celebrate the 24th as Hungarians.

The 25th doesn't mean shit to me. Okay. Right. That's why we're doing 24th, whatever you want to do. Yeah. 25th, we'll go see some American people. Okay. Oh, whatever.

Yeah. I'm going to make you go to midnight mass. Do you want to do that? Yeah, that's cool. How awful is that? Geez, what a fucking nightmare to have everybody up for the holidays. All right, this looks like the place. Apparently there was a break in last night.

All the doors and windows were locked. Somebody stole the Christmas presents. Looks like the Grinch came early this year. You don't seem like you're in the Christmas spirit this year. I don't really want to talk about it. Yeah, I guess it seemed to them again, are you? No, it's fine. It totally calms people down.

Let's go see what we've got going on. Those are real cops acting. They're really good. Oh, this is for the community. They make videos. I like when they make me a video. The Christmas presents, they're gone. I don't know what happened.

I came home from work and they're just gone. Whoa, that's not good. Interesting. That's better. It's not good. You're not going to sing, are you? We already set that up. I'm not going to handle this.

Ma'am, I'll tell you what we're going to do. Shit. The real cops. I don't want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need. My spy who sold the presents underneath the Christmas tree. I need you to keep unlocking doors and windows at your place. This thief won't be too happy.

No, we may cancel your things. I just want them off the street. Put them into my back seat. Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you. Oh, Jesus Christ. You help me. Oh, I won't ask for much this Christmas.

I won't even wish for snow. Just going to keep on waiting for the criminals to... No! Yeah. No! No! Wow. No!

I feel like the bad singer that she was doing is enhanced by this, right? This adds to it. No! Catching weather, storming gifts I just wanna keep you safe Every single night and day What more can I do? I wanna walk this love

No! No! No! No! There you go. We should do scales with your birds. No! All I want for Christmas is you Yeah.

Man. Those are cops, bro. That cop shit is so dumb. Why do you insist on doing the singing is horrible? Yeah. Why? I'd prefer you guys not. I hate this song, too.

They could have had somebody record it that could sing and then just act it out or something. There's gotta be someone at the precinct who sings better than this broad. What about the secretary? Why is it gotta be one of the fucking officers? I don't know. I wanna sing a- A how or where Something seems consistent Somebody realized she's cute. What happened was Sarge was like,

I really like your voice. They misled her into thinking it was good and she's like, Am I good? She's the most camera positive. This happens all the time. She's a super unattractive girl. That can be really insane. And they're like, Marcy can't do it.

You know, I think you're busy. And then she was like, I don't really sing. No, you're really good at singing. You're great at this. What they should have done is like some really vanilla shit where they had a porker record it. Porker. And then they were like,

You know, there's a fucking 211 over on West. 211. On West Main and then they got her to shoot and they're like, Oh, we had to shoot it without you. Oh my God, it's really painful. Yeah, it's bad. All right. I love your jeans.

I love you, mommies. You guys are the best. Please visit your momshousepodcast.com. Some clips have been added. The guy is up. We're going to leave you again with this song by Daniel Piccina. I like that the Garth Brooks song. It's really fucking fantastic.

The best song. Let the conversation begin. It's got a little Shane Lee. And it too. It's all going there. We'll see you guys in San Francisco this weekend. We'll see you soon. I like that.

I like that. And I really like that. What's up between you and me? And I really like that. Think of it more as a conversation. I want to post cool stuff. Slick stuff. Knead stuff.

This is just who I am. Well, I guess it's official. Let the conversation begin. I like that. I like that. Feel like that. Let the conversation begin. And you can pinch my dick and pull my liver,

but too bad it won't fit in you.