Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 274-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 31, 2014

What is love? When you've been someone long enough that you can say, "That's stupid of you," and then they respond, "Then I'm stupid. Let me be stupid!" That's true love. It's real contempt under a thin layer of decency that says, "I know I have to live with you."  When people have been together more than 50 years it can be quite colorfully spoken.  A fun game you can play with your significant other is ask strangers how old they think your partner is and then brace yourself when they (hopefully) guess FAR older. It's a real HOOT. Plus Tom hung out with an older man in a sauna. Did it get weird? Well, they covered cannibalism, prostitution and drugs. So it gets fun.  The brown detectives may have solved an age old mystery. Maybe it will prevent future loose stools. We'll see. Jeans, this is the final episode of 2014. Let's promise each other one thing, next year, even HIGHER!

Yeah, yep Hi, Bobby's Hi, Bobby happy almost mommy here. Yep. You believe it's it's this week, right? Yeah this week. Oh my gosh a New mommy here begins It's crazy. I hope you guys had a great Christmass or Hanukkah

Kwanzaa did Kwanzaa festivities on the LA local news. They were showing They had like their little parade a lot of tight shots though not a lot of wide shots I think they didn't want to show how few people were there You know in all the years I've lived in Los Angeles, I don't think I know a single person that actively celebrates Kwanzaa Huh, that's weird. Yeah Feels like it is one of those kind of made-up holidays. They had like the Kwanzaa Heritage Foundation guy Like this is a time for us to really celebrate and you know, yeah, you know They did that report out of the set like they don't you know, it's you know what it is

It's trickle down from the 90s when the political correctness Hysteria took over that's that's when Kwanzaa began who fuck celebrates Clinton Clinton years, right? I know it's like does everybody who celebrates anything need to be recognized. I don't think so. No Well, it's America, man. Come on. It's merry Christmas to the side of the cross and then go fuck your mother, okay? There you go, and there you go one true religion. There you go, and there you go Jeans, where are we this week? We're in Austin. Oh, I'm sorry. Where mom mom's in Texas It's that one town in Texas that don't feel like Texas I like that I like that. We're really looking forward to it though

This town the city's always great to us. It's always great to go to Austin And I can't wait to have some cue. We're gonna go find the best bbq there. Oh, yeah, get some dick tips Really do it, right? I don't like a dry rub I love dry rub. Hey dry rub. I like sweet. Get all the sauce you want, man Get all the sauce you want man What if what if we ordered a dry rub and then I asked for some sauce on the side. They're all right with that That's not like forbidden. That's cool. You can do that. Okay, people handle their sauce Kwanzaa intake differently. It's fine. That's not like putting mayonnaise on french fries. It's not like looking French

Yeah, exactly like I'm some foreigner Yeah, so we're doing New Year's Eve there. There's only some tickets available I don't even know if they will be by the time this is out But there were a few available for the 1030 show, which is the big New Year's show and then Tina and I are doing shows two shows on the second which is Friday and two on the third which is Saturday night all at cap city in The great city of Austin, Texas and we really hope That you will be wearing your jeans up over your nipples for either one of those shows any of them They're they're all gonna be a good time

And we're gonna hang out and we're gonna be you know real real mommies Yeah, cap city is the only one we haven't made fun of like there's no way to Cervical cap city. Yeah That's right Cervical cap city Cervical Cervical It's Crap City

Crap City Comedy Club, Crap City Comedy Club What are we fucking new? Look, I had to cancel my Demois, Iowa Des Moines shows at the funny bone the 7th through the 10th But I am going to re Schedule that for later in the year. I booked a small part on a fun television show

And you know how it goes guys TV gets everything you're acting jeans. Yeah, put my acting jeans on and I can't go so I'm excited and I'll tell you more about that later But I am going to be the next week I will be at Mordes in Indianapolis The 15th through the 17th and then I added a show Sunday in Louisville, Kentucky at the Laughing Derby That's the 18th

And then I have a really big show that I need your support in Southern California on the 21st of January I'm at the Irvine improv Please come out to that show. It's a Wednesday It'll be a blast and I wrap up the month in Kansas City all those tickets and a bunch of future dates Available at TomSugarra.com. That means Omaha. That means Hattiesburg. That means Lafayette Virginia Beach. I'm coming at all of you with my dick in my hand and TomSugarra.com has all the tickets jeans where your tits gonna be well I like to say in addition to your dates there

Tom and I have added a very special Valentine's Day Mom cast here in Los Angeles at the Pasadena Ice House on the second stage that very wonderful Intimate room. We're gonna jam out that way. We're gonna do a special Valentine's Day show come if you're single. I you know Tom and I are not fans of Valentine's Day I don't like forcing that kind of crap on people if you're single come out if you're coupled come out Let's have love together, right? It shouldn't just be for Romantic stuff. I hate that. I'm boozing up

I'm getting down getting ripped getting ripped feeding edibles Joey Diaz style. Okay doing it, man And okay, so after that, let's see. There's mom's then oh then January 15th through 18th I'll be in Pittsburgh That's January 15th January 16th January 17th January 18th at the Pittsburgh improv and that's Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania Now you you know, there's a long running gag sure a lot of people at Pittsburgh don't and like it that a lot of people Have called Pittsburgh Schittsburg But it's not done in

the same From the same place that it's done on our show a lot of people Criticized the city of Pittsburgh by saying it's a dove and calling it Schittsburg. That's not very nice No, and then a lot of you know Pittsburgh people will be like well, I go fuck yourself. I can I tell you I've been to the Berg before and I was actually very Startled at how beautiful a city it is. It doesn't sound like it's pretty the name But it's gorgeous. They've got wonderful architecture and bridges the first time I went I had the same impression Really? I was expecting like a real fucking shit like a rusty

Yeah, it's really beautiful And then after that I'm gonna be doing sketch fest and man friend disco January 30th and 31st Doing two shows of the cops. Oh the punchline. Yeah Don't be jealous. Don't be jealous of my boogie and then in February we'll get into that later, you know I'm not sure. I think I'm doing I think I'm doing Morty's and Indy like a month after you So save your ducats see my husband in January and then I'll come in February. I don't have the dates locked in yet though All right

Guys, thank you so much for using our Amazon banner to shop for your Christmas gifts We so appreciate it and if you're not already, please bookmark it Just go to our site bookmark it on your chrome or your mozilla, whatever Firefox. It's so much easier Mm-hmm, and that's it. Oh and buy some stuff from our shop We got a new one. This is so rad I didn't I remember you know going over the design with this one Yeah, and then I kind of thought it was still that's how good our people are over there at at a store merchandise I thought that it was

still in the works, so yeah, I didn't know and then I Talked to Angelo and he was like, yeah, and that shirts I go what it's up. It's like, yeah, I go dude We haven't even talked about it It's a new shirt And it says now I'm talking about you feel me nine From yummy over and over and over it's so fucking good. I think it's the most it's the shirt that Kind of is the most inside and the least but the most wearable

Yeah, in other words, you can wear this shirt and Doesn't really have to have anything to do with the podcast. Yeah, and you're not gonna offend anybody It's just you know, but it is hilarious If you go to if you go to a store merchandise calm you'll see It says shop by a brand on the right hand side And then your mom's house podcast is there it has all of our merch Cops are bald and shit, you know, it has the Theo 24 7. Let's get social all of our shirts But the new shirt

And the Bristol stool mug are there huge and Flying off the shelves. It's it's been a hit for us. We're really happy about it. So thank you everybody Oh, and all by the way, one of them. There's two mugs. Did you know there's two mugs? No, there's a Bristol stool mug and So you can get a mug that says I'm talking about you feel me I mean all over and then the Bristol stool chart the other side I feel like there's no better mug than that Yeah, I want to send this one because I got the we now have four Bristol stool mugs in our home Because Angela sent us to somebody might think that we like brown in this house

And then and someone made us a mommy made us a Tommy and a Tina. Yeah, that's pretty awesome And a top dog one and a top dog one which we gave him. Yeah, we did and he a lot He looked at that like I was like, here's $10,000. He teared up. Yeah, he was really really I think that was Andy Gert up in Seattle that did that. So good. Thank you. Yeah, or is he an Oregon fuck? I don't remember but anyways Yeah, that's that man. Yeah that Bristol stuff guys so fun It's it's really it's kind of rad because I think in the morning I make our coffees Both of ours, right? I make for my jeans and I love to pull down the Bristol stool mugs

What is that I don't understand what that is Because I listen to Brazilian music on Pandora and it's racist and it thinks that I'm speaking Spanish So it'll play Spanish ads even though I'm listening to Portuguese That's so stupid Pandora sir Rachel and some stuff Yeah, and it's a bit understanding that Spanish and Portuguese are not the same. Yeah. Yeah, if you really spoke Portuguese you'd be I'd be like now. I'll bring out of now. I'll be a god. Oh, yeah

Yeah, all that stuff And to the no bang to the no No We're really good at that really good at Portuguese ready to do this Hey, bro I can't do a motherfucking thing that I want to do Fuck it It's talk to you you motherfucker you you big old B2S

Don't bring anyone loving to this No Christina You Do that's so much fun watching something now. I know why you like to watch me do that I want you to do that more often dude, bro, bro. Are you ready for this? Yeah, I'm surprised we haven't even thought of this before I had a epiphany. Yeah, we just came up with crap city for cap city Tom Segura is actually mom Segura

I Yeah, bro, wow Just blow your mind up never never even occurred to us. I'm so upset. It's the end of 2014 and now you're why you'd be upset It's a new way to start 2015 changing my website address tonight to mom Segura Yeah That would be That would make me laugh sorry if I insist on all the clubs advertising me as mom and everything. They're like, dude What there's a typo on your website? You're like, no, it's correct. This is how I roll. It's mom's here mom's girl

It's a really good idea. Yeah Wow, I feel like we have to do a variant of my name, but you know what why not just scratch your name and go by mom Also, like mom and mom's Mommy and mommy, but you know what instead of mom mommy so your mommy mommy Pajewski mommy Pajewski Yeah, mommy Pete. Oh, somebody blue calls mommy P and mommy T. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, huh? It's a real good idea a lot to think about It is I gotta write it down Yeah, dog

So stupid, I'm glad to be back. I feel like I feel like we haven't done this show in forever But it's only been a week. I know this we took we really took a vacay We took down like like a few days here. Is there a fucking like I Didn't realize how worn down I am Yeah, with especially with how much I could sleep. Yeah, I would wake up and then just go back to bed It's three more hours. I know you go go go all year Yeah, and then these are the few days you can really take down because no one's no one else is doing shit Yeah, and then we slept like a 10 11 hours and then took a nap do the same thing even when we go on vacation

We don't rest enough. No, we do too much. I feel like the key. No, we did way too much We went on that fucking cruise with my family fuck all that me every day. They're like, what time will you be up? Well, let's meet for this and then you gotta work out go a bright like dude. Yeah, why are we vacation right now? Why are we why are we so diligent about keeping a schedule? I don't know. I think because we were both kind of stressed out and that was a way to manage Yeah being stressed out as if you compartmentalize your day Like we're gonna wake up. We're gonna get this. We're gonna go work out It's the worst. Yeah. Well, we didn't do much the last few days, which has been awesome

That's that's what I'm saying. You have to you have to feel like a person again. Yeah You have to do you have to give your brain arrests Because actually even being with family makes you tired because we came back from Christmas Day And you took a nap immediately And I enjoyed that I enjoyed where we were but I was taken down Family's exhausting Even if you like them, you're just like just how do people?

How do people have kids like are you just people that have children listening? Are you just exhausted all the time by your own children 18 years? I mean really yeah, does it just are you just like I live a perpetual exhaustion And it's not it looks exhaust. No, and and this is not good. We don't dislike kids Yeah, I mean, I love being you know, I love my nephew my little cousins. They're great But it just it is exhausting even being around the people you like in your family. It's like You know what the the the best way to get out of the exhaustion I think it's the only surround yourself of people you feel a hundred percent comfortable being yourself around

Yeah, you don't have there's no pretense of like You know changing or putting on a false interest in anything like you get to 100% Put your jeans on and just be yourself Because we I hung out with my BFF Shauna and Jimmy They're easy to be around the best. Yes, because you don't have to do you get to 100% be yourself Oh, bro, because I've known her since we were kids. No, but I mean they're like that even for me They're chill. Oh for you. You feel that way. I mean, I've known her ten years or so But and him too and I just feel totally comfortable because they're easy. We're saying that people

Yeah, there's ease. There's people who like just let you do you and they do them and there's no pressure to entertain or Yeah, be better than you are maybe and everybody who else came over that day Sarah Burns. She's easy She's so easy to be with she's another one. I've known for for a long time to bri bri. Oh the best. Yeah Yeah, he's easy. So he came by you know, I fart No hesitation you're like, hey Brian, you're like excuse me. He goes like I'm totally used to it You know Is that you and I he didn't flinch and we're also Really direct with him. Mm-hmm like comics are pretty direct with each other

But he just rolls with it like he'll friends and so he'll be like did you guys Try that cookie and I was like, yeah fucking sucked hated it. He's like, uh-huh like he just rolls with it He's used to that too though She starts being text. Yeah, he's used to being around. I think we're a departure too from his normal world of more polite people Yeah, so that's a nice break, you know Yeah, yeah, I like your family a lot though. I love hanging out with your family Well, that's the only upside for me to being like and in my parents house is just being like You know, there's no

Pretending, you know, it's so comfortable for me to be myself there. I don't have to like You know, but yes, like you're you're obviously your folks in Florida But also who we were visiting your uncle and your aunt. Oh, them too because they're like parents the best You know because you know what it is. I think it's the people that just are so relaxed Like they let you be you and they don't judge you. Yeah, that's that's why we like those types Same with Shawna and Jimmy and Sarah and all them. Yeah, they don't judge us Yeah, when I'm home, I mean the most of my mom is like when you please stop touching your balls All days

Do you want to take a shower and clean your balls? She's right about that Yeah, and also I really like when your mom gets upset when you burp and fart a lot That's fun please Hey, boys, you you burp and fart and then I laugh and then she gets mad at me for encouraging it And that makes me really bad. That's the most I ever I was you know, cuz I like to get upset. Yeah, I told her I made up a story. I said, you know what dad and I did today She goes what I go well dad went to take a shit and she's like, please

I don't know. No, no, no, this is different. I Go, you know when you sit on the toilet, yeah, there's that little kind of open space between your legs I go while dad was taking this shit. I sat there and I took a shit in that little space Have never seen her so like her face was so revolted and I go so I shit on Him while he shit It was the most amazing reaction I've ever seen from her she was so I've never seen her so horrified revolted It's the best isn't it? It really is the best. I think every boy at least wants to do that to his mother Yeah, I used to enjoy

Because I had a very antagonistic relationship with my mother. Yeah upsetting her that way, too It was really fun making her mad burping my stepmother was very proper So I used to have a big gap between my two front teeth when I was a kid One of my favorite things to do at dinner like on Christmas Was to squeeze mashed potatoes through the gap in my front teeth and it would infuriate her but that reaction Oh, you're married to gold. Yeah, and you're always seeking that in a way, you know chasing that dragon Yeah, the reaction dragon kind of why you do stand up And I noticed that I really I get a real I get a rush when I know that I've upset a crowd

Like when they're really upset, yeah, I get like I get irred at your smile Really because I'm upsetting my mother. Yeah, isn't that interesting. It's revenge. It's a little form of revenge I did that upset you. Yeah. Oh Tommy happy about the upset I mean your aunt and uncle are sweet people. They're so sweet. They're like Genuinely kind Normal midwestern people. Mm-hmm sweet. I Was taking antibiotics for a sinus infection so I couldn't drink which is a real bummer And now we were at the house and I'm and they're offering me a drink and your uncle was next to me uncle Dave

And he goes you're on antibiotics for what? I'm like, you don't want to know Are you not supposed to ask people why what they're on? It's kind of private right But the funny thing is for them like They don't they never asked to pry they ask out of innocence court. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, they're sweet people I have a lot of memories of them getting upset by the way, but it's stuff that like it's always different It's always got to be the person's children like I could never upset Them in that same way, you know, they're more tolerant. Yeah, but like I've seen Brian and Jeanette especially

A lot What upsets them and that's burping and that would be a real pig Remember when Jeanette came on here and she was first starting to date Craig Who she's now engaged you that's crazy. I know and at the time she was like, oh my god, you guys I can't I can't burp on this. He doesn't know that I do that yet. She belts like such a pig I got to find that episode and pull her burps because she really she dropped a few on there that were ridiculous She burps like a man She really does

Brian Brian's dad Michael Dave used to call us ding dongs and pisspots He's always at he was more agitated when we were younger, you know, we you know got get in the car a couple of ding dongs Pisspots. Yeah, what was that for? When did you get that one? No, just you know, he would be a we you know making a ruckus in the back. You like quiet down pisspot That's totally ridiculous Yeah He's really chilled out his age. Yeah, he's he's real sweet. So we were scratching off lotto tickets with each other And I haven't done my bingo card yet. It's really excited. It's a real investment, dude

Don't think you can go into that bingo scratch off like it's a five-minute thing. It's like a half hour Seemed that way dude. I mean and once you're in it. You're in it. Yeah, don't think you could just put down that bingo scratch off Yeah, shit. Why did you get this bingo cards? And then Blanca Readers digest that You don't you can go to the bathroom and not get a rash Well, that's interesting

She was she read the cards that you put on a gift for bri bri we call him bri bri and his wife blue iris Mm-hmm, and she goes who is Bri Bri? I've almost pissed myself laughing Bri Bri Bri Bri and the blue iris Oh Yeah, so it was fun. That was a good holiday. We ate a lot ate all kinds of shit. We you and I had a revelation We were offered ham. Oh, yeah And it's funny because I think this is the first time we openly admitted this to each other we both hate ham Yeah, I don't like I don't like you know holiday like baked ham and I don't like you know

They slice out the ham from the the big yeah big stupid romp. Yeah, even the sugar coat I know everybody goes the honey bag. Yeah, honey. That's the only good part of the fucking thing I don't honey baked. I've never liked it. Yeah, I just ate it Just shows me how much I like to eat to I'm like, I'll just eat it. I'll just eat stuff I don't like yeah me too. I never liked it and my father or get it for Easter So you will love it. They love their fucking and then you know, it's hot one hot Ham turkey meat, I like Sometimes I'm starting to like it more now as an adult, but honestly, I I like I

Don't like it like when sliced from the turkey like I like it Maybe like the next day turkey me or ham turkey me turkey me. Yeah, I kind of like the legs. Yeah dark I don't like that dry tit meat. It's gross so gross. Yeah Ham is fucking nasty. Just give me beef and bison and bison. Yeah, bison's gross. No, it's good. No Remember you bought those steaks. They were great. I didn't I didn't like it. Oh, they were fantastic to me Venison I like to I like the wild game stuff. I don't like because you're a bear. That's what bears eat Seafood I think for the rest of my life now. I'm just gonna be like a nope Every time anybody says like, well, we're gonna have a ham. I'll be like, I don't want to come too bad

Yep, I know him and bribed I was like, would you guys like to take some ham home? And I was like, no Why are you doing that during the show? Oh my god, it's so disruptive. Do you remember we say I don't want ham and it goes just take a little bit I go, but I don't like it And then he gave me a bag He gave us a bag a ziplock bag of ham, which is the but I just finished saying I don't want it He was like just take it anyway. I was like, I don't want it And then he put mashed he put sweet potatoes in a ziplock bag like a little

Sandwich bag How do you eat mashed mashed shit out of Ziplock bag. He just wanted to get rid of his food. Of course he did. No, I know. I'm I'm just kidding. I would do the same thing That's why I'm criticizing it. That's how I give people leftovers Yeah, here hold out your hand. He put some shit in your hand walk away so This uh clip came in from a few people Um, I like it. Yeah. I mean one. Let me see. I think like five six people sent us this

It's an old married couple headed to church And really insult the fuck I wouldn't even guess that I thought it was two dudes. No Yeah, he's driving. Fuck you He's over it. And then he's like, let me be dumb. Yeah, they're big together a long time over it. Yeah over it Yeah, this is great I've heard this argument between Uh couples a lot by the way, you hear it a lot. I've heard it from my stepfather and my mother I've heard it through people our age. There's a couple, you know, there's why didn't you turn right here?

No, I'll never get there This is somewhere in a relationship. There's always the um, well, that's stupid. Then let me be stupid That's uh, that's one of the like, well, then I'm stupid then. Yeah, that's the foundation Argument of uh, you know, I mean you got to be with someone a while To get to like, well, you know what then I'm dumb and I want to be dumb That's we just throwing it throwing your hands in here. Like fuck this They threw a little spice on this which makes it Better

And then it's always fun to laugh at it too, right? Like the guy in the passenger seat is dying recording this I'd rather talk to a bedbugs than your motherfucking ass. He's calling the wife a mother fucker. Yeah. Yeah And he's old they're old it's a lot of content. They're old like they have white hair like this is a really Oh Then he sits in his clothes three or four weeks at a time the same clothes and he goes she goes same draws At least I got draw you you just start weighing draw you you got no Yeah, okay, yo, they know yo that's serious. You're goddamn draw that look like roaches on eight holes in them, you know

Hey, I keep me some people new clothes to go to church Yeah, you're sick. Yeah, you go up up That ain't in case you get sick case y'all make a stop. Hey, don't make no You need to make the stop some more I'm thinking you'll do better when you get all your teeth back. You don't infest nobody's fucking with your mouth Fuck it. If I infested that's the end If they let me put my mouth down, they would get like this That's good

So your mouth won't be infested if I want to if I want to Now you do that to money. You probably are the gum. They should be fucked. Well, then that's what I want to do I want to I want to infect them nasty bitches. They let me She he's saying holy shit So she thinks he'll infect Infest somebody if they if if if they let him put his mouth On them on their cooch. Yeah, and he's like I want to infest him and she said his mouth smells like doodoo

My mouth down there. I want to infect them stinking motherfucking you stinking motherfuckers Yeah Somebody want to put their mouth to your ass I don't want you to put your mouth next to me I don't I don't want to be around you He's got dad mouth. He's got dad mouth. Yeah, all all old guys your mouth smells like shit all the time That's what my mother used to say about my stepdad that his breath always smelled bad. Jesus

That shit stinks so fucking bad. How you gonna eat on somebody you you Infest the bread You infect the bread when you bite it I'm all right, leave me. Oh great. I bet you I had something since you did Good you can have some more. Oh my god. Get some more motherfucker Oh That's crazy they're talking about Like did they both she's saying she got some you know, she got yeah, she got some d some somewhere else somewhere else

He's like go get it then They're like 80 Ellis Believe it or not They've been married. They've been together 52 years, man. I guess this is what love is all about to think of that, man Oh, my parents is the elitist That's his parents. Wow. That is some real talk. That's 52 years. They've been together. Yeah. Yeah, that's how you talk to each other After 52 52 years is that's a lifetime, man. You can say crazy stuff to each other after that long

You'd affect the bread when you bite it But were they laughing the old they were laughing at each other. No, no, no, they really hate each other Yeah, I think there's contempt for sure Because you and I will say awful things to each other. No, this is more serious. Yeah I mean, I think at the end of the day, they probably you know, they got to be around each other They need each other, but you know, there's way more. Yeah That's one of those that's a marriage argument where it's like you do dumb shit. Well, I'm do I'm dumb then all right He just happened to be recording it

She got if I would have been in that car panties. I would have fucking I really would have cried. I would have died I like that her panties got holes because the roaches That's the kind of stuff we say to each other. Yeah, these two are saying just not that mean I don't call you motherfucker Bitch. Yeah, no, but we're mean to each other Like jokie mean. Yeah Like your farts are terrible. That was hilarious. Yeah It's I really like that Oh, man, you know, it's funny. Um, we got we got new upgrade my phones. It's so exciting

Well, it's kind of disturbing because you came home. How great was that? How great was that? It was great. Why don't you tell them how you tricked me? So for a while now, I wanted to get the new my phones Uh, because we're both eligible for upgrades. So you don't really I mean You have to spend a little bit of money, but it's not like you're buying them You know, brand new fucking thousand out whatever like you we pay a little bit a month to upgrade Um, and you like over the time, you know, it's let me upgrade you to the hottest channels on direct TV Um, but also what happened is you fill up your old my phone with all the data

Dude, and then you can't do the updates. Well, that's that's that's became the problem Like the old phones like I couldn't even update apps anymore I couldn't take a picture like every time I wanted to take a picture I had to erase like 10 pictures Super annoying. So anyways, um, I've been checking in and like I went to the AT&T store We're AT&T users and they're like, I don't know man You can order it now and then like in two months we'll get I'm like, what? So I went to best buy and I asked them and I happened to go the day before to buy for our nerdathon that we haven't talked about but then

Um I asked about the my phone. They said we'll get a truck tonight. So check in the morning I went back the next day I said, do you have them and they said yes. So I said, cool. Let's just do it now. I can upgrade the two of us and as she's doing it like She kind of you know, she tells me to turn off my iMessages That's the only thing and then because that will stay live. I guess wherever. I don't know there's a signal for it

Um, and then the new phone works and then I said, we'll have that for my wife. So they go, well She goes, uh, does she know what you're doing this right now? And I was like, no She goes, well, her phone's not gonna work Like does she have a house phone for emergencies and I was like, I don't know She's like, uh, do you want to let her know? And I was like, no, really don't care And it's cool. Yeah, I go you didn't care. She'll be fine. Yeah, so She's like, yeah, her phone's just gonna stop working. I was like, okay So I get your phone ready to go

and then Then uh It's all set and then I get from iMessage, which is the only thing that still works for you It says like my phone stopped working. It says no service And I was like, well, I texted you that because I was getting dinner ready And I knew that if you called me and that I can't pick up the phone You get really mad and you'll be like, why are you fucking back off the phone? What is that? What is that? What is that an impression of that was the worst impression you've ever done?

That was so stupid That was you want to talk some shit That was you is like dobby from your aim pod Don't because he don't answer the phone mommy That was terrible. So I don't want your diaper to get full Because you get mad. So you text me you go I go, I'm all and you're all I go. Hey, my my have no service. So if you call me I can't answer

But I'm like, I guess the text messaging works. I go, what's up, man? Basically, I'm asking you and I go Uh, it must be a bill pay thing like they cut off our Which has happened, you know, you forget to pay and instead of getting furious with you and and being like well That's irresponsible. You fucking motherfucker. Yeah, I was like, oh, okay, and then that's true You did you did handle like a I didn't I curbed my rage at it. I did go if my first thought was that's really cool Irresponsible with my husband and then I was like, you know what Christina? You've done that a few times, too Yeah, can't throw stones because I've done it too. I've had our cable cancelled on us a couple times. So

That's always a nice treat that's fun So this time I know that I'm pulling one over but I don't know what your response is going to be. Yeah So you write back, okay I go, all right, I don't know if she's buying this or not. So then I get home and I go So what's the deal like your phone stopped working? Show me And you hand me your phone and it says no service. I go, that's weird. You're like, mine works fine

And I handed you my new my phone Which was awesome and I was like, oh you tricked me. You got me surprised I love this new big my phone. It's like a jitterbug Of iPhones. It's for old people. It's super big. Well, you're in your what you're for you. What? Don't you fucking say that don't you fucking say that Today we had the best best thing happen. We're sitting at lunch And How did it even come up? Here's how it came up. I just remembered

I was saying how You said how you love one. Oh when I called last night to order from the sushi place. Oh, yeah I said, hey jeans. I said to the guy and he just rolled with it. I love that and I said, but he spoke really good English When they speak poor English and you go, I love when you say like, hey beautiful. Hey gorgeous to the waitress. It's so inappropriate Yeah, and I said, I said, what should I do it to our waitress here? And you go, no, you'll mortify her because you're like an old guy and I was like, what an old guy And the guy sitting next to us was like a hundred That's an old guy. She you go not to her to her because the girl was like 18 to those kids

We are we are adults. Yeah. Yeah, you're ancient. Yeah, so I go no fucking way so Now I didn't call her gorgeous or anything, but she came up and you go. Hey, can I ask you a question? How do you think my husband is? Well, no, here's the thing if you're going to play this game with your spouse Which is have a stranger guess your spouse's age to upset them You got to bait the person you're asking you got to let the person know it's okay to be honest Yeah, and then I threw in the wrench of hey, come here. I want to ask something I'm trying to get my husband to shave his beard. How old does he look?

And he says it's not going to affect your tip or anything. It's not your tip. Don't worry. We're not going to get mad He's gonna he's probably gonna shave it anyway, but just tell him how old he looks with the beard. She was like, um 42 And you were like, yes, like you don't fit a fucking cartwheel Because how old are you in real life 35? So she added seven years to my life um That was awesome

So the girl was like, sorry And then wait, which goes to show that kids that age They they think we're old you're fucking old to these people. Yeah, I guess to 20 go go When I did my old university my usf Go talk to kids in college right now. You will be mortified at how old you are to them. Yeah, they look at you like, you know Oh my god, like you're eight years old. Yeah, like you're responsible like their parents are yeah We're lame dude. You're you're way old you have no idea So we go to a different store we walk into this card store

To pick up something for our friend amir. Yeah, and we got we went in there and then the lady was at the counter And I think you asked her first her age, right? Or no, it was after it was after. Okay, so I said, oh, hey, um Can I do something? How do you think my wife is? I go 40 what? You dickhead. So I led her and she goes, uh 42 Yes, and she was like, uh, and you go, that's right. You got it, right You know as crazy as you asked her how old she was then and she goes 30 I thought she was

Like 10 years older. Yeah, she looked 29 30 you? Yeah, yeah, I want to put her down No, I'm I'm 38. So that's not so far of a stretch. I was like, all right. I have no makeup on I look like I'm dying. She said that because I said 40 what that's all right That's right. But if you want to play the game How old does my spouse look yeah with a stranger make sure you let that person know it's okay now? We went into traders joe Yes, today. There's joe and I asked the guy at the salad section

And he looked and I didn't lead I didn't lead him. I go how old how old does my husband look? And he goes 30 He said no, oh, yeah, you did say you said 40 what he goes 40 He said 36, okay, and he said I added a year. I was going to say 35 There you go. Yeah, we'll see but can I tell you another of the factor in this? I think it's easier to guess your same sex Age like yes, I can figure out a guy's age way faster than a woman's age Yeah, I can do a woman's age. I can't I can't and also with makeup

And you can see if someone's had Botox or they're dying their hair I find it much harder to guess accurately for a woman. Yeah Well, it's you know, oh make sense That was so funny. I almost fucking throw up laughing when she said 42 the first time for you Oh my god, because people people have always said that about you, right? Oh my god I wasn't even I deed for alcohol in high school sometimes I went into Stores and bars and I'd order a drink and they would just put it on the table

And do you think that's because of the facial hair sometimes? I mean, it definitely adds it adds But I'm saying without the beard. I still was getting you know, I didn't have a beard I would have a little bit of facial hair. Yeah, it adds a it adds you're kind of a you're an old soul Yeah, I think it's your demeanor too. You would dude when you were 23 You were an older man When I met you when you were 23, you were a grown-ass man. You were never 20 something Like I mean your demeanor and and who you you were always

Like a man. No, no, that's why I liked you and I was I'm three years older I got I got a lot. Believe me. Well, well, you know, it's really neat now when I turned 25 Remember I had my birthday party. Yeah the week before it was at a guy's house So I'd been to his house I've been friends with him like a year my birthday is coming up and when how will you turn I go 25? He's like Jesus because this whole time I thought you were like in your mid 30s I was like I was turning 25 and I'd known him a year. He's like, I thought you're in your 30s. I was like, Jesus Christ Yeah, it's never it's always 10 years more than my age people guess

That's just how it's how it's gonna be for you. That's it. That's it man. That's my yeah, but you're in good shape I'm lucky that it doesn't like affect me the way I see like some people You guess the wrong age and they're like fucking destroyed. Yeah, I think you have to understand is that like I said like The waitress who's fucking 19 years old. Yeah, who just doesn't know life yet? She's not she's no way when I was her age I couldn't guess I get amused by it like the older someone guesses I am The kind of more it makes me laugh. It doesn't like oh, fuck. I know Now we got to start asking old people how old they think we are and that's when you get the good answers

Well, they're like 12. Yeah. Well speaking of old. Well, actually I gotta do this real quick So sidebar, it's really neat Our new my phone upgrade, which really I really like what you did with yours. You accessorized By getting a cool dad belt Yep Yep It's uh, you know why I'm here on official business

I didn't realize it. I see the case. Oh god. I need to put some type of protective case around this I grab it She charges me opens the box The case comes with a clip for your belt so you can let everybody know you're there on official Dad business. You're a dad She's like, do you need the braided belt to go with it? Brown braided. Actually, I do so she gave me a brown braided belt. Do you need some white sneakers, dad? And the jeans can't quite touch your like the top of the shoes

I gotta be a little higher than that because people can really see the shoe and the socks that you're wearing You really got a dad out. Yeah, that's really are you really gonna wear that phone holster? Um, if I'm I mean when I'm off duty, no, but when I'm on official Work detail if I'm at work dad business if dad business is going on I'll have the clip on my yeah on my belt So that it's easily accessible. I can pull it off clip it back in. Yeah. Well, that's the really neat thing is Where's my phone? It's right here on my way. Excuse me official dad coming through Dad here What's the mom accessory?

I know what it is. What is it? I've seen moms who get the waterproof phone cover so that in case my kid dumps it in the toilet I can't let any of it, you know, she's just knocks over her juice bottle and then I'm just like, well, what am I gonna do? We nerded out big time like a couple of nerds. That's why I went to Best Buy Why I was like, let's fucking nerd out. Oh boy and sit home and watch a marathon of something. Yeah, good call by the way We were trying to find something then I go. I'm just gonna go and I went I really nerded out I got the entire well almost the entire Harry Potter collection

Harry Potter. Yo, right cunt Nobody nobody calls him a cunt. Yeah in the first one. Nobody says Harry Potter's a cunt. Somebody goes Harry Potter. Yo, right cunt You know that No, maybe Malphoy. Porta You're a cunt Malphoy is a cunt He's a cunt. Is that Harry Potter? You can't No, I think I remember that dialogue. No

Harry Couture I you know what I don't understand about the Harry Couture movies is that I don't understand Hermione's Attraction to Ron Weasley. I mean look, let's look at the facts. Hermione's a very smart driven type A Personality Harry's a very successful wizard. He won the tri wizard county award He fights Voldemort. Why wouldn't she be attracted to the winner? I think it's it's it's actually it's done on purpose So that the kids know That even like the kid that's not the alpha male you can get the pretty girl She's attracted him because he's a good guy and he's not, you know, he's poor

Yeah, you come from like a you know, he's a family of 15 And he's not the smartest. He's not the best, but she still likes him That's a good message, but he's He's a ginger. Yeah It's horrifying We don't want to say it and then he's got his ginger twin brothers and his ginger sister. I love the brothers Yeah, I love his older brothers. That's the origin of ginger is that part of the world, right? Like english. Yeah, I think so That's how gingers started they invented it or the irish invented

I feel like Voldemort should be ginger because like he's the most evil Harry Potter Papa ginger I will Pull my ginger fangs into your neck. You think they'd stop trusting the dark arts teachers every year Yeah, I mean you think that people would stop really is that you watch it and you're like, oh, wow Especially now when I watch it because I'd seen some of those over the years But yeah, I watch it now. I'm like this really is just star wars with different characters

It's the hero's journey the hero's journey every time. Yeah, it's the same thing the hero's called the greatness He doesn't want the responsibility. There's like and then he gets it exact scenes that are duplicates It's the dark side of the forest versus the light. Yeah, but I believe It's all a metaphor for the darkness and the light within you Within you you can go to the dark side, which is, you know, Slytherin and Malfoy or you can be a griffin door a hero. It's harder to be the hero. Uh, what's his, um, Dumbledick, what's his name? Dumbelcocks. Dumbel balls. Dumbledorf. Dumbledubble balls. The professor. Yeah, Dumbledore Dumbledore says that one that's very profound statement. Yes. He says, uh, you know, we're not defined

By our skills but by the choices that we make like our inherent count But by the choices that we make there you go. Nice positive lessons for the kids Yep, and what's neat about luke learned the same things luke's luke skywalker the rapper luke skywalker He learned the big booty He made music Um, I was going to say, oh, it's neat too that the movies get scarier the more hair That harry grows on his penis Yeah, the more hair on his pecker and the stories get scarier harry. You're right, cunt

Harry potter, I do want those paintings that they have in hogwarts Yeah, when they all talk to them and stuff the fat lady and uh, I like all that stuff harry I really wish I could get um, some of those Any flavor beans and uh, I just want to do magic so bad Yeah, would you go to hog tits? Of course I would go there Of course Would you be friends with haggard? Of course

It'd be my buddy, man Which character are you? What a fun escape for kids. It's the best. That's the best Do you know that when the stuff was really popular that like these nut bags were protesting it because magic is You know what I feel like everybody should just go go fuck yourself Every time like they shouldn't even give like any value to the protest of that stupidity Yeah, it's so retarded. Oh really? Well, here's a fucking potion. I'm gonna put it in your face right now Just jack off on your stupid fucking face dumb bitch

Yeah, cry about your dumb fucking kid. Oh my kid my kid. Well, here's There's that for your kid. I love that sound. I've been thinking about that sound Is this any good? We just got this now Sick and tired of you people just getting up me for no reason All I did was post a video and I had a dog in it with a fucking shock collar on and then people start getting up me to say Well, if you fucking started listening to me instead of like just judging me for no reason Then you'd understand why that dog's wearing a fucking shock collar

Now that dog was wearing a shock collar because if he's not wearing a shock collar He's going next door and killing every fucking animal that they have in their house And if he's not there, he's down there killing their pets. And if he's not there, he's over there killing their pet That dog is a fucking killer Like australian peter kane that's paul as professor. Anyway What are you doing? You're all right. I'm adjusting. Oh that you're gonna fart in my nuts. No He's he's real fired up What do you think of my idea? No, there's this movement to

Stop restricting women from showing their breasts. Yeah And yeah, because it's like what are we all gonna freak out that a woman's topless I mean, they're right, you know, who's gonna who's gonna protest seeing some titties, right? Well, not only that it's just like, you know, why can a guy do it and I mean just doesn't make any sense It's silly. It's the same thing. You know, it's just it's just You know in some cases the guys have much bigger breasts than the women so it's I've seen some big dude Yeah, big sloppers on dudes. So it's like big fucking deal. Yeah, and I agree 100% I want to start a similar movement

For guys nuts Letting our balls out like who are who's that affecting? It feels good They're not supposed to have them cooped up and all tighten there Right, it's bad for a reproduction to get all hot. You know, it's just like why not let our nuts hang And how is that bothering everybody? Well, you know the genitals exposed Lends some problems to children children are often at crotch level

When the hi uncle Tommy and then you want your cut little How about you just you tuck your nuts into your balls you tuck your nuts in around children But when you're in an adult setting, it's cool to have your nuts out. This is a really great idea and here's what I'm thinking Why don't we design some shorts where there's a compartment where you can just Pop out your nuts Fabric or something that goes around to highlight your right But also mask your penis because you don't want to give Parents the impression that you you want to have sex with their children

Well, I don't know why you keep bringing up children. There's no children involved in this scenario Well, you're in public. You're saying you want your nuts in public. So there's children in public everywhere Well, what about women with their tits out in public? Yeah, but children suck on those titties for nourishment. So suck on my nuts But nuts don't provide nourishment. Sure. They do if you work on it hard enough you'll get something out of it You know You're right. I'm sorry. I didn't I didn't think of that two different types of milk, you know Yeah, no, here is daddy's milk. Yeah, different the mother's milk. I'll give you a sample if you want to try it

I've tasted it I'm trying your milk. It's really good I advise everybody to taste your ejaculate. Thank you. Thank you very much I'm gonna put that in the your mom's house merch page buy a little bit of uh Of my uh, no, I just had nine Rather powerful Orgasmic sensations full of my entire body

It is it would be neat I hear what you're saying because sometimes I see male joggers and their pants are kind of loose and I can see their junk Bobbing up and down. Sure. Why not just be able to see it Why not build it a short that allows it? There's a time and a place to keep things tight and constricted And there's a time to let it out. I feel like as an adult man In an adult setting I want my nuts to hang and breathe and it's not bothering anybody right well Is it I mean are they yours are very attractive

But there are men whose nuts are very hanging and very let them be soggy You can present the same counter argument to the the women titty argument. That's true. All right. All right. That's true Point taken so do what what do I do to start the movement? Do I start a website? You need a website You should probably use scar space. It's very easy Yeah, that's right. They've sponsored That's right. And um, yeah by that url To the men's movement to liberate our testicles Liberate my beans liberate lmb's liberate my balls

Yeah, let those balls hang the men's testicular liberation society. Oh Yeah, the scrotal society. There you go free hanging nuts. There you go I think it's a fantastic idea. Thank you. I appreciate the support I think it's fun. I think it's helpful to have female support on this. You know, it's it's really it's It's one of the key factors in getting the movement moving forward You know, I we were um today on the beach walking And there are several shirtless men jogging past us and it is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, bro. You're almost naked Yeah, bro. I can smell you like brawl brawl

It seems unfair. How come he gets to be shirtless and I have to wear a shirt It's I agree and I've always actually agreed with that that like stupid. It's just there's a little more tissue Yeah, fat. There's nipples the same thing the guy's got. I mean, it's there's nothing different really No, and in fact when you're little babies when you're developing and mommy's uterus You both have the same breasts and then one becomes boobies with you know, mammary I feel like fat stuff, you know junk. I mean is the idea that that um We're just all gonna lose our fucking minds when we see a woman's rape is just gonna happen all day every day Oh, we're not gonna be able to oh my god. I mean

I see topless women I would say on you know on tv or something and you don't even blink or you're just like it's just a Yeah, we got a real problem with it In the uk you see tits everywhere. I mean, yeah, western europe. Oh, you know, I'm sorry eastern europe everywhere in europe Yeah, I feel like you see tits everywhere like on tv in hungary. You see fucking titties everywhere man. No one cares. Nobody cares You know, yeah, it's just like a dude having a shirt off I know like when we go to miami, they have like topless. They don't maybe it's the reason is because it's pleasant And anything that's fucking pleasant

You know, it's permissible. Yeah, right. So like because it's somewhat pleasing People are like that's not good The fact that that pleases somebody We got a problem. Well, if it's remotely, yeah, if it's remotely sexually arousing americans panic which I think further pushes my movement along because No one's going to get super excited about nuts hanging. They're not like really, you know, attractive Desirable it's just more comfortable for me To have my nuts out and have a little air on them, you know, I think so, but they're but nuts are very vulnerable

There has to be well, it's up, you know, you're taking your own risk Like anybody would well as long as you get people to sign waivers. Yeah So that they know that it's you're letting them out at your own risk Yeah, don't don't come suing me over these nuts. Right. Yeah, and there's yeah, you know, you should you maybe start like a Like a private club where guys can just go and let their nuts hang. Yeah, but I want it out in public Maybe you can go to a public park and just string off an area. Mm-hmm This is I like I like brainstorming with you on this. What about roller skating with your nuts out? Ooh That could be dangerous. Yeah, if you fall you fall carry your testicles

Yeah, like I said, a lot of men have very hangy balls. I have seen some droopy nuts, man You saw a pair very recently, right at the I joined the gym. Well, we both did and um, yeah, I saw Some real hanging I almost said something to them that I realized it's not my dad I shouldn't say anything. Well, your dad's got an exceptionally hanging parents. Yeah, I saw them on the cruise Didn't go nuts. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he's um, he's got a big pair of balls on him You know what happened I was sitting in the sauna I did a workout and then I went to the sauna, which is a fun thing to do by the way You take your body heats already up and you go in there. You just

Sweated out of there. I'm sitting in there alone This older guy goes is there room for more for one more and It was you know, the the sauna could hold 12 people So I go barely And he's like, all right, and then he sits down next to me. But like, you know Just a few feet away. Yeah turns and he faces me And he was like, oh, he just starts talking to me

And he's a nice older guy He's old like 80s But I gotta admit my first thought was like this guy's trying to fuck me right now Of course got any room in there for me and my dick and it's because it's like, here's why you're naked I mean of towels, but if you're naked vulnerable. Yeah, and you're gonna Sweat filled fucking sauna. Yeah, and he comes in with like lotions Yeah, and he's like he had a condom on his finger and he goes to a room for one more Yeah, and you're like what

And yeah, but then you turn out to be the awesomeest fucking raddest old guy Yeah, what was what was his deal? He was just you know He's fucking 80 something years old. He's from Amsterdam Nice You know He just one of those guys that you can just like old like one of his old dudes It's just rad like you just start talking to him. He's like

Talking about life and he lived all over the world and banging chicks and stuff Well, then he brought up chicks. I was like, oh, this guy's not trying to fuck me. That's cool And because in a sauna you're always like, well, dude It's always a possibility because dudes are like that And not that you care that he is gay, but then you'd have to go through that thing of being like, no, bro I'm not into it. Yeah, it's just it's it's annoying. It's just annoying. It's a hassle for you I'm like, look Ben. I like to keep my dick in this towel if you don't mind. Yeah So but then yeah, he's just talking about he's talking about taking his grandkids to Amsterdam and

I love it. It's fucking cool. Shit Um And you know, just one of those people that you know, there's some I like old people, you know You're kind of you've been really relating to them a lot lately. You're an old soul hanging out with them is easy It's fun. It's like but back to what we're talking if they can hear you. Yeah, yeah If they can hear you it helps. You have to talk real loud. Yeah. Yeah, I like that too. Yeah, it's annoying Yeah, I'm like when they can't hear you. Yeah He was um, so you got a new buddy. Yeah, we talked about prostitutes and then uh

What else But you know, are you gonna spot him in the gym? If he needs it, I'm there for him. I gotta figure out, um, You know, if uh If he's down or not, you know, oh for spottings. Yeah Do you know what I mean? So but you told me another guy came in there Oh, yeah, he he dropped the same lines on him I did his routine. Yeah, it's like he's like he did his dad thing like my dad does that too

You know, I like to repeat his jokes. Oh, yeah. So when I heard him repeat his jokes, I was like, oh, it's just a cool Yeah, he's just in you. You want to make peachy? All right, let's do it And then she's back I always have to pee right around now. I know it's the it's the hour ish mark It's the hour ish ish mark. I don't know what that's about. I don't know what it's about either So What are you doing? What's with the sniffs? You know, it's what's with the sniffs. Come on allergies

Yeah, let's um Let's see what else is do that. So he's real fired up, which I love He will kill anything and he does you just keep going back in my video catalogue You'll see how many pets and animals he's killed Christ, that's all he does is kill stuff So it's either put the shock collar on him so he doesn't get out and kill everything What the fuck kind of dog does he have? Yeah, maybe you should consider putting that dog down He's killing everything in the neighborhood somewhere else. Maybe to live somewhere out, you know, like in a

Sanctuary for murderous dogs like Jesus every animal and pet that the neighbors have Or put the shock collar on and he stays within this two and a half acre boundary that he's got to run around Jesus Christ, why don't they explain everything 10,000 times to you morons? Fuck me dead Harry Potter So to put it simply He wears a shock collar so he doesn't escape and kill things which is what he does because he's a killer dog

There's a sign on the front front fence saying Beware killer dog and the council made them put them put the sign there. So He's a dangerous dog He might look like a pussy little puppy, but he's a killer a savage vicious killer And he will kill anything and everything including probably babies What the fuck well now I've got that out of the way Uh anyone else want to have a go at me for that dog wearing a freaking shock collar Anyway, these dogs only get shocked twice and then they they never go near the near the fences again

The the shock collar has a beeper. So it goes beep beep beep beep first and then if they go any further So it's not as though that he's like Like I want to know after it's killed so many things how he gets to keep it. Don't they usually comes someone That's what i'm saying. Usually when it's a high Problem risk dog. They put it down if it's killing bait if it wants to kill babies and stuff. Okay, man. Fuck him. How I What does it say what kind of dog it is?

It's uh, oh the fuck fault That was a fuck fault. Yeah This guy's Aussie, right? Yeah I definitely but he goes to Hogwarts So does that that's happening because it's not he's done it twice. I've heard him going Actually, it was more like But he's done it twice and uh, he's never gone near those areas Ever again because he's been shocked and dogs aren't done. Well

I don't know what kind of dog it is twice They are they're fucking stupid But They know when they're gonna get shocked and they hear the beep and they go. Oh, I better not go there Because I'll get 6 000 volts through my neck Right well Now we've got that cleared up again after about 10 times trying to clear it up We're actually getting rain

Dude gets fucking fired up He says that in his other videos you can see all the shit that his um His dog is killed. Hmm. Oh, no, let's see Uh, well, here's Here's his dog here. Let me see what this is Don't they shoot you those like religious people that you go on about? Oh, yes

Being gay is a sin That's such a thing as sins. It's all in your mind. The sins don't exist except in your mind Sins What does this have to do with dogs? Well, it says the video is called people are done with a dog Humans are dumb, aren't they? Harvey Harvey You're deaf. Come here right now

Harvey, let's see if this works. What is it? It looks like a chocolate lab or something. You see being nice to people Works Being an asshole to people or animals doesn't work. So stop being nice to people and they will like you back Jesus you stupid Oh god, Harvey, you're worried about me, aren't you mate? Hey, come here Yeah, well you can't because the electric fence right well sit. That's him. Yeah

Yeah, you're like oh you want to shake hands. Yeah, you love shaking hands, Harvey. Don't you buddy? What's it look like? That doesn't look like a good boy Good boy, it doesn't look like a killer to me. Who knows? I don't know that dog You don't know that dog. You don't know him. You don't know what that dog do motherfucker. You don't know Trying to see if he has like a video where who knows what happens to that guy Who knows? Mom's trillions are so cute aren't they? They are the best accents

Yeah, it's him talking a lot of shit Oh Don't kill anything. Hi beef. I think he has to make a brown stand. You do? Well, he's looking at me We'll take him out in a minute. Okay. He didn't shit earlier No, he just kept sniffing around sniffing around sniffing around Oh No, buddy. Well speaking of brown. Um, we kind of figured something out. I think Oh

Yeah, well, it's just a theory a hypothesis if you will every time I go there's two places that make me brown where we ate Today, it's like a diner, but a healthy diner. Yeah, and then The uh sushi place. Mm-hmm, but it's not with all sushi and yesterday I picked up I got regular sushi. Mm-hmm. Just like multiple types You know tuna nigiri, right? um

I don't know mackerel Whatever a bunch of stuff and then I um, that's really all I order then you got a couple of rolls Yeah, but the rolls that we ordered Um, they didn't sometimes and then when you have in the restaurant, they'll have like some sauce like it'll be like, uh Look, yeah, and like but like a heavier kind of sauce Yeah, and they use like a mayonnaise based. Yes, and then sometimes also some of the rolls have fried stuff on them You know, it'll be like tempura. Yes, and like that soft shell crab kind of batter Some well when I have those

You know, I shit my brains out. Yeah, right after. Yeah Sometimes it's a little while after. Yeah Yesterday, none of the sauces were on it because they came separately. So it wasn't prepared that way And then I don't think there was any like fried stuff Had it No explosive interesting Interesting, but today when we left our diner place we got back here. Yeah big explosive shit still from that place

What do you think it is about the diner place? That's good. I don't know. I don't think it's the eggs. I think it's Hmm Because do you get shits? No, you shit every time you eat eggs in public, right? No, I feel like whenever we went to that cafe, we had a crepe and then you had eggs. Did you shit right after that? I went to the cafe. Oh No, I didn't shit right after that. Okay. So then maybe it's just the diner the way they cook their food Yeah, maybe it's like you get diarrhea every time we eat there Maybe it's like oil or grease or something that oil on there. Yeah for sure

Yeah, you know, what's really neat tom is that after we ate there today? It's diner and we were walking around and we went to Trader Joe's friends something Yeah, and I go I turn to you and I go. Hey, I got I got to take a shit. We got to go I got I got to take a shit my first suggestion, which is very reasonable That's why we were in Trader Joe. Yeah, I said there's a bathroom right there. Go sit there dude. No way And you said I'm cold and I don't want to Number one. I'm cold number two the pressure of the Trader Joe's bathroom It's only there's only two stalls and there's always the goddamn handle jigglers

Those people they see that it says closed Someone's in there, but then they go up and they fucking jiggle that handle to hurry you handle jigglers either And I can't I can't shit in peace if there's a handle jiggler. They're like muggles. They don't know their place So then but the neat part is after Trader Traders Joe and I go I got a shit. What do you do? Uh, I went to Starbucks neat thanks This time thanks. I brought up

That there's an actual bathroom in that place as well and you said No, because there you go even worse and there you go. There's a one stroller A single thing at the at the barstux and then you're gonna have multiple handle jigglers It's a place that specializes in making people shit and they have one toilet. I could have guarded the door I was right there. I could have just guarded it for you Guarded it for me. Yeah, so if somebody comes I go I'm next So there's no handle jiggler, but then I hear you saying oh, I'm next don't worry and now I'm tense and I cannot relax Of shit anxiety. Yeah in public, which I understand. Yeah, I can't do it. I cannot hurry it up

What do you mean to do? I like to read. I got my nook. I downloaded a bunch of great books From, you know last couple weeks. Yeah, I want to read. I wanted to fucking enjoy my shits for once Of course, I understand. I hate being hurried and taking it down. It's the worst. It is the worst I totally agree with you and I tried to be you know Try to be considered of that, but you were just like no do it my way Even because we only have one bathroom in this house Even when I know you have to shit and I'm shitting I have I'm filled with anxiety because I know that You're gonna come knock at any second. I gave you a lot of space

I had to shit while we were out as well And you're like hey, I'm gonna shit an end shower and I go fine And I let it be and I was sitting in here I was really scared to fart. Yeah. Yeah, and guess what what holding it in didn't make it when I sat in there It was really bombs away bombs away brown brown city, huh? Yeah, it was bad You know what I've been having and I'm sorry to admit this guy's Number ones and number twos the last couple of days. What yeah, I just not I haven't been eating well I've been taking a lot of like these new vitamins. I think it's the vitamin the vitamins

Yeah, and water I haven't been drinking as much water. There you go. You got it. You got a fucking soften that stool up Here's what I'm gonna do after we're done tonight recording this I'm gonna go and I'm gonna make a fucking huge ass salad with broccoli and cauliflower and carrots Cauliflower curry flour. Yeah, and then I'm gonna eat that. Yep. Yeah, and then you'll go You know what helps is oranges too just eating an orange I used to think that orange juice made you shit when I was a kid. I can yeah. Oh, yeah But eating eating a whole orange

Yeah, like okay if you're constipated then the morning before you put anything in your stomach Just eat an orange a whole one and that makes you what's the property that makes you shit fiber It's fibrous And mango man. I eat it at mango and I got a shit That'll fucking have you signed up for that site that was looking for people that girls would take dumps and stuff They pay you like 60 bucks a shit I know i'm but i'm a little nervous it'll interfere with any other television work I might want to do this next year

What's the interference just you know if I blow my load on the internet like that, you know You got to be able to shit In public whenever you want on camera about letting it affect your career Okay, well I'll look into it. You're right. I should look into it. I should at least look into it Thank you being so selfish about things You're right Also, I'm gonna tell you about well, thanks for for delaying my my shitting today. That was really cool. You got it You said that your new dutch friend when you were in the sauna

There's another guy that came in and he was living in papa new guinea No, the old guy that the dutch guy was oh the dutch guy did I thought it was another guy that came in No, another guy came in and the other guy The other guy knew that the old guy likes the heat and he goes you love the heat like you live on the equator, right? He said yeah new guinea for two years and I was like you live in new guinea And he goes yeah, and he started telling me about that And then he said, you know, they still practice cannibalism there in some parts I said, yeah, I'd heard that and he goes, you know what the tastiest part of a human being is don't tell me I'm gonna guess

I'm gonna guess what I think the tastiest part of a person is I think the tastiest part of a human Would be the inner thighs nice and fatty yet still meaty in some places Or under the rib cage that fatty for most of us fatty deposit area, too I bet that's real good tender meats interesting. Well, I said a guy's balls and He laughed and he said no he held up his hand and he said it's this Thumb pad basically if you take your thumb all the way down into your hand, you know that

that sort of The root section of where your thumb starts. Yeah a little it's like it's sort of like a Cutting your palm into quarters And the part that your thumb extends from he said that that's the most delicious part of them is the tastiest part Yep, I wonder how you eat that so pop papa new guinea. I looked it up just above Australia here Mom Australia. I'm sorry mom show that it's right above it. That's interesting. I wouldn't think that hand meat Would be the most delicious on a person. That's what he said

I wonder how you prepare and I said person he goes I don't even know what the fuck I've eaten because when the natives would invite you to eat you just eat Yeah, it's rude to be you don't say no and you don't say what is this? Yeah, you just eat So he goes, I who know I might have eaten fucking Kevin I haven't had any idea Would you eat person meat? I wouldn't want to But if I was in his situation where I was with some Crazy fucking tribe and you're getting in there like eating. I'll be like, yep. I'll just eat whatever the fuck it is

I guess How do they choose who gets eaten though? You can't eat the sick No, because then you don't want to eat bad meat. So you have to choose like a nice healthy person Yeah, there meets the the tastiest I imagine I think you're right Or old people meets probably not very good. It's a gamey and kind of probably something You know

You know, probably good is like developed But and kind of healthy but a little chunky too I'm going to guess like early 30s late 20s. Yeah, that's someone like 27 Yeah, and like yeah, you kind of look like you take care of yourself, but Got a little extra. Let's kill her and then eat her. Yeah. Yeah girls are more fat. Yeah Titty and ass meat probably good too, right? That's like the goose liver pate of the human body, you know, not the healthiest, but I think that river Is probably pretty good or human ribs. I wonder what those tastes like. I don't know

I would prepare it though the way we prepare ribs. Yeah. Yeah, so would I Lots of seasoning and yeah Oh my god, can you imagine if so you take a bite like this is delicious. What is it? This is Alice killed her Yesterday, this is ryan sickler. You might know him you kill ryan. He's delicious. Matt full strong Oh my god, damn man. That would be crazy to eat your friends Yeah, I have a feeling they don't do it to their friends Oh, it's like other tribes, huh? Like shitty tribes. I think so. It's called payback, bitch Well, jeans we gotta get going. What's the what did 2014 mean to you?

I mean everything Everything everything that's what dvf says. This dress is everything. Um What did it mean to me? You know, um it meant jeans It meant high and tighter than ever before it meant bags of chips It meant mommies mommies It meant you know, I'm saying if you want to talk about there's a lot of you know, I'm saying this year a lot of big words There's so many big words this year. There are a lot of big words cops. Mm-hmm. They're bald. Yeah a lot of browns taken this year

What about you? What does it mean to you? After all bald and shit Um You know, it was um, it's a really good year. I'm really happy with 2014 me too Um, I feel like great things happened personally in our professional lives personal lives it was um, it was a year of discovery and uh

In a way, it's like it's the same jeans, but they're tighter. Yeah, and they're higher. Yeah, you know the essence of them Yeah, like I just feel like they used to be like at my navel and now they're kind of Midway up right Well, that's interesting. Yeah, you know, I just I'm like, I'm yummy So it's pretty awesome. I mean it was a great year. I really I mean if 2014 is any indication of 2015 Sign me up. Yeah, I agree. It was a good year. Thank god. It was a good year. Yeah No major tragedies everybody's still here Well, yeah in our world in our immediate world

God blesses a nigga. Whoa Okay, that was that wasn't on purpose You know what that was That was 2014 signing off That was amazing. Is that the last clip? Yeah, I went to move this and That is the last great The last drop. Well, there's nothing better than that. Look at what I was gonna say Um, but we owe, you know a huge thanks to you the little mommy

Who listens to the show and makes this world possible and you support us not just by listening to our show and You know going to our sponsors and stuff, but by just being there for us Seeing us live being the other person on the end of this. It's been a lot of fun. So Thanks. We thank you. Geez. Well, who are we without you? Yeah, just a couple of weirdos in their own genes A gene-less pair Talk about a statement Yeah um

A lot of great things on the show this year one of the things that uh That obviously happened is we get a lot of music. This is one of my favorites We'll leave you with signing off the last episode of your mom's house for 2014 We'll see you promptly January the seventh for the next episode The first episode of 2050. Wow crazy 2015 new year's genes Unbelievable. All right guys. Have a safe and happy healthy new year's genes. We love you. We love you and yeah

Come back next year. See you See you next year Oh my fucking cut Cut we cut we cut Oh Oh Oh It's sexy

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