Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 275-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 7, 2015

Oh jeans it's here! Your first NEW momisode of the NEW year. This one really delivers. Maybe it's us, maybe it's these jeans. We give you modern day philosopher, Plies. Tina has trouble deciphering his sounds, but once she gets it, she GETS it.  Plus we try to figure out what's up with Austin Uber drivers and all the different browns we had there.  Is there anything Steven Seagal doesn't know? Well, uh, that's a trick question. We jam out to a song that'll blow your mind. CP was inspired and now you'll be too. Raise a pair of pants up for this one!  

I'm Zagorong, Prostina Pajitsky. I'm full of your jeans, boy. But I'm out tight. But you're out of his shit. I live your whole life blind. Bikes! Next stop, round top. You better wipe down dope.

Hesitate to listen to their mommies with the crown. Oh, wipe down. Or is it wipe up? Oh, my God. Seriously, fill her up. A sailor shot. Oh, yeah. And that's better than a bitch.

I be flossin' my T-28 inch rim. My T-P off the shiny man. Hunky ass white. Who just thought it was a Theo man? All I know is bikes. Hey, buddy. Guess who it is? Man, it be top dog.

Spread the knowledge all about the shit. Mommie T and mommie C. Flexin' all the good as guests. Watchin' clips and talkin' shit. The mommie is the best. But I want to say this once we fold the show. Man, mommies for life. Fuck bein' up, bro.

Go. I miss that song. Yeah. Been a long time since we heard it. I really jammed. It's so good. They get down. I like when he goes, fuck bein' a bro.

Mom is for life. Fuck bein' a bro. He knows, man. It's all about that mom hood. Which is all about. It's all about the main triarchy. Mom's sagora. Interesting.

We've been getting some suggestions. Mom's sagora and Kris Jeanza. Yeah. Or Christina Jeanzisky. Jeanzisky. Or Pajinsky. Pajinsky. Oh, I like that.

Yeah. That's really good. Well, it's the first show of the year. 2015 is rolling. This is the first episode of your mom's house. I, as always, am your host, Mom's Segura along with Christina Pajinsky. And we're gonna do that naturally.

That rolls off a ton this night. Christina Pajinsky. Pajinsky. Come to you live. Come to you right now. From your mom's house studio. I hope you had a good New Year's everybody listening. Your moms were in Austin, Mom's in Texas.

They really came out. They were great. That's a great city to go to. Oh, my gosh. Mommy even baked us a yellow cake with chocolate frosting. My favorite. And we didn't get to see them, but the cheese moms. Oh, my gosh.

The guy that works in the cheese shop. Thank you, Jeanz. He sent his brother or somebody with cheeses. They were delicious. I preferred the softer cheese. I didn't like the softer. I prefer a hard cheese. Not so stinky, though.

I like cheddar's. Yeah. You like them real stinky and gooey. No. I don't like them real stinky. Like goat nuts. No. No.

Far cheeses. Saw another big pair of nuts today at the gym. You did. Old guys. These old guys are really flaunting their balls. That's one of the perks of being an adult. I wanted to kind of say something. I just realized that's not, you know.

You can't be like, hey, nice nuts. If it was like my uncle or something. Yeah. I would be like, hey, uncle, you know, you got a great pair of balls on you. Yeah. But no, it's not allowed. You can't really compliment a man on his balls. It's an absurd reality.

Yeah. What kind of world do we live in? What kind of world is this? You can't compliment another man on his testicle size. You really hang low. Where are your jeans hanging? Well, jeans, you know, I mentioned it before. I had to cancel Des Moines, Iowa this week.

For show business. You know, I booked a really small part on Workaholics. And I'm shooting it the day after tomorrow. So it's very exciting. It's very fun. And, you know, fortunately, that TV stuff always trumps your stand-up gigs. But I'm going to come back. I'm going to figure out a date and try to work it out.

I definitely want to meet some Des Moines jeans. Some French Des Moines jeans. French Midwestern jeans, you know. But that's that. And then next week, His Majesty, Mom's Cigarette. I'm sorry. You're royalty now? Yeah.

I'll be in Indianapolis at Morty's. Okay. It's presumptuous, but okay. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And then Sunday, I go to Top Dog's hometown, Louisville, Kentucky. And I'm doing the Laughing Derby on Sunday night. So hopefully if you're in any of those places, Indy or Louisville, you'll come see me. The following week, Pat House, or is it the following week?

Yeah. The following week. Look at your goddamn calendar. I just spent the last 30 minutes writing the calendar. Look how nice it is. No, I have a week off. And then the final weekend of the month, January, I go to Kansas City, Kansas City Improv for the 29th, 30th, 31st.

No Sunday, so obviously, because that's Super Bowl Sunday. What about the 21st and Mom Vine? Oh my God, it's so huge. Yeah, don't say anything. Such a huge date. Irvine, California. This is my only date on the books in Orange County. And I really hope you guys come out.

It is a Wednesday night. It is the 21st. And I am in Irvine, Mom Vine. Irvine, Orange County, not Irvine, Mexico. Don't drive to Mexico. It's a huge show for me. I hope you can make it out. And then, yeah, the week after is Kansas City.

I've added a bunch of stuff recently. I'm still looking for it to get on my website, but I did add West Palm Beach. I'm doing one night there in March. That's March. Look at that. March 5th. That's a Thursday. March 5th.

Yes, so that's one night only there. And then Daytona, but that's a college. That's a college, I guess. So there's a bunch of stuff. And of course, I am going to be going to places like Hattiesburg, Mississippi, and Lafayette, Louisiana. So please come see me. That's in February.

There's a bunch of stuff, Jeans. It's all at TomCigarette.com if you want tickets. And Jeans, what about you? All right, tiny Jeans. Pull them up in Pittsburgh. I'm sorry. Titsburg, PA. That's right.

Or Clitsburg. Oh! I didn't even think of it. So yeah, Titsburg, Clitsburg, Pittsburgh. That's January 15th through 18th. And then I'm going to be doing SketchFest in San Francisco, I'm sorry, Manfrendisco, California, on January 30th and 31st. That's a Thursday and Friday at the Punchline in Manfrendisco.

And then, guys, your mothers love you so much. And we listen. Tom and I do. Don't like Valentine's Day. We think it's a bullshit consumer holiday. And for those of you who agree with us, come join us in Pasadena. We're doing your mom's house live on Valentine's Day, Pasadena, California, in the second stage, that small room.

And come celebrate with your mothers. Celebrate real love. You know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. You know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. Following week, February 19th through 21st, I will be at Morty's Comedy Club in Indianapolis.

So Tommy's going to be there January 15th through 17th. And then I'm coming back the following month, February 19th through 21st. So catch us, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, back to back months, your jeans in the same club. Pretty rare. Also, go to my website. I have changed the name of my website. It is now called ThousandRanch.com.

Thousand Ranch, my two favorite salad dressings mixed together. That's ThousandRanch.com for my tour dates. That's the best name. Finally, because it was so stupid, I was like, Christina, call me. That's like a first year comics URL for a website. Like, Christina's funny. Like, oh no. Yeah, but you're a nerd.

Such a hack. And then please listen to That's Deep Bro, my philosophy podcast. We're back. I'm back. I should say we, like it's plural. I'm back from a two week vacation this week. We're doing the episode with Pat Keen on whether or not God exists, which is pretty interesting shit.

Have a bunch of good guests coming up in 2015. So listen to that too. Well, there you go. You can also, of course, go to like our Facebook page. It's yourfacebook.com slash your mom's house podcast. The Facebook page acts as a sort of unofficial forum. A lot of moms already post there. A lot of mothers there.

Yeah. And we do it too. And we, you know, we put new episodes stuff up and people have posted links and photos and whatnot. So please check that out. And of course the store on our site on your mom's house podcast.com has a bunch of new stuff. There's a bike shirt.

There's a. Well, Theo, a lot of people in mom's and we're asking if we had those Theo shirts with us and we didn't travel with them, but you can buy them at your mom's house podcast.com. Yeah. Big shout out to Plum, by the way, for that song. Yeah. That's fantastic. Yeah, you can buy the Theo and then there's the new, you know, feel me, you feel, you

know what I'm saying? I have to get that. There's a mug for that. And there's also a t-shirt. That literally is, you guys, it's those three sayings up and down, like all down the shirt. It's really, it's really. You know what I'm saying? The only time I'm out.

Yeah. It's so funny. That's a great one. I'm looking at this Bristol mug. Yeah. I mean, we'll, we'll get into this obviously in more detail in a minute here, but my browns have been pretty much like. You've been on like.

Right. But one and two. Well, here, let's do the opening of the show. Yeah. You know, I don't want to blow this load before we even on the pre-roll. Okay. All right. All right.

Hey, look at this. It ain't no China. You the rhythmic tick, man. I know if I'm a motherfucking man, ain't no woman. I know you pulled the wipe your motherfucking self front in the bike. Next time I'm dying after eat that pussy and I can still smell the little piss on that pussy. I'm going to tell you a little piss of pussy.

I have to go right in there and take a bath. This shit is big time. Who is Ram? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura.

Tom Segura. Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. You do it. You do it. You do it.

Yeah. Yeah. That was a really nice opening clip. Was that somebody reading from the Bible on Christmas Eve? Yeah. Mass? Yeah, it was. It was, um, did you like it or no?

It was really poignant and really thoughtful. Yeah. Thank you, sir. We got a white front and back. Is that what he's talking about? He doesn't have to pee on the vagina or something stupid. That's plies. And, um, you know, he's got a lot.

Somebody, I don't know if I was tagged in there or somebody sent me this link today, but he's got a lot of, um, he's got a lot of like little clips like that. Like thoughtful insights. Really fantastic. Yeah. He did this. You might know him. He's on this one with GZ.

You know this one? No. It sounds like the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I don't know what they're talking about. I don't understand. They're losing their mind. You know, you don't know that song. Okay.

Well, anyways, um, Oh, I'm sorry. No, I, I thought, do I, oh, I own it. Yeah. It's in my my phone. I was listening to it today. Before I meditated, I listened to this. What gets me in the mood.

You know, what's funny is that our calming. We got these new my phones and when I jitterbug phone, the jitterbug and I have this. It's so big. So, but I'm so old now that I, I like that the font's bigger. I can see it now. Well, I guess for some reason, I guess a long time ago, we did an episode where we played all these little clips of, um, like I had, I used to, before I had the sound board app. Yeah.

I used to just cut things into iTunes and play that. Well, they stuck into, they stayed in my phone. Oh, right. They stayed in my iTunes, but for some reason it never synced with my old one, but my new one, I just like was listening to the songs in between songs. It would just go like, oh, this is real time. Yeah. Just not playing.

Put it. Oh, how are you? How are you going to play that on the pooter? Oh, did you plug it in? Yeah. How the fuck? I don't know why you fuck with them old jealous. No man having ass holes in the way.

Real talk. Real talk. Real talk. See? That's amazing. Right, right. That's something she would. I love it.

I love it. Bitch, fuck you. Real talk. Yeah, it's pretty awesome, right? That might be my favorite Art Kelly song. It's pretty amazing. He, um, but Plyze has like, you're going to love this shit. Let me go through this.

Okay. Okay. Topsogora, okay. Topsogora. Okay. Let me see. You do it. You do you.

First of all, which Braxton are you feeling? What Braxton are you feeling like today? Oh, I'm, I'm a little like frustrated right now. Really? Just with this cord. Oh, yeah. I guess Tracy. You're Tracy?

I think so. I'm feeling like Tracy. No. Well, I'm feeling kind of snacky and kind of like chunky and. I feel real chunky. Yeah, such as holidays. Yeah. I went to the gym and I was just in looking the mirror and I was like, whoa.

Yeah. I try not to look. I'll try to look in the mirror when I'm naked or like when you pass by the mirror naked. Yeah. Yeah. It's not worth it right now. Wait. So what else?

What else did you find? Cause I've got them in my itunes too. Like I'll, I'll rip clips and stuff. Yeah. So in my itunes. Before you go to the club bitch, make sure your mouth right bitch. Y'all niggas be all in nigga phase old sour mouth ass nigga. You see I'm frowning up bitch.

I'm trying to tell you something. Yeah. He's pretty. That was neat. Yeah. That's very thoughtful. Some of y'all be thinking this shit real. This shit ain't real man.

Yeah. Third or fourth or five minute later you start over to say, say something. Say what bitch? I done got off already. You better do something. Hmm. That's pretty good one. Motherfucker would go through my phone then find something to come out.

What's this? Fuck you. Bitch you tell me what it is. Is this cat Williams new hour? Who, who, who she is? You think I'm a mother fucking tell you and the help knock me off? Is this pimp cop or whatever? Pimp cop.

Is that his personal? You gotta slowly get them titties. I didn't came out them titties cause you didn't have to be able to cover churn. I can handle that. Why don't you take your shirt off? Now I know shit ain't right up under that. You know it'd be really funny. Why are you interrupting him?

As if we found out that this was Bill Cosby talks like privately. And like the whole time he's been super thug-ish at home. Camille's just like, gotta listen to him talk about it. The Cosby files. Big mother fucking bitch. Well, like he's just like. We should have brought him to the fall. Now you like one of the motherfucking ladies on the message.

Yeah, grab it. It gon' be a problem. Yeah, he's like, he's all. Now, none of them son of wives. You know, I'll ask for a little bit of extra salt on my hoagie. And then it's like, camera's on. He's like. You gotta slowly get them titties.

I didn't came out them titties cause you didn't have to be able to cover churn. I can handle that. Why don't you take your shirt off there? Now I know shit ain't right up under that. I'ma keep it moving. But if I gotta take that motherfucking push-up bra and he titties fall, now you like one. Cos, you're out of control. What?

America's dad. If I'm a motherfucking man, ain't no woman. I know you pulled the wipe. Your motherfucking self front the bike. Oh yeah, we did this one. So he's the rapper. He's the rapper, yeah. Yeah.

He's just spitting out. We started this boss, shit. But y'all owe me a motherfucking apology. Cause y'all ain't tell a bit the world. But from here on out, I'll win briefs, bitch. The motherfucking boss will have them nuts hanging. What? Make your head like you're 60.

What the fuck is that? I didn't understand a word. He said that whoever got him into boxers owes him an apology because his balls hang out of it. He's gonna get, he's gonna go back to briefs. Yeah. See, I wish I could have understood that. But y'all owe me a motherfucking apology.

Cause y'all ain't tell a bit the world. But from here on out, I'll win briefs, bitch. The motherfucking boss will have them nuts hanging. Jesus Christ. Make your head like you're 60. Dude, that was like. You just decoded that. I don't understand that.

I love this account. This is great. I can't wait. You're really understanding him. You guys are gybing, gybing. Yeah, we're buddies. 15 by elevation, man. You motherfucking still walk to the car with your shoe in your hand after the club.

I can't be fucked up with y'all this year. You motherfucking still put that weave in the microwave to get them curls in it. I can't be fucked up with y'all this year. Ain't no person to just elevate. Wow. No clue what's happening. Yeah, there's a lot of shit going on. Anyways, I think the real thing is that he's saying that he's smelling piss or, you know,

tasting it, I guess, when he's going down on some chicks. He's like, clean that shit up. What do you think? I mean, I don't. I don't. I'm not sure. Look, why does he have to put that on YouTube? Why can't, you know what I'm saying?

Why can't he tell the lady like, hey, your vagina tastes like urine? Maybe you could. Well, he was just putting it out there. To the world. Public service. Yeah. That's nice. Hey, can we talk about my browns?

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, go right ahead. So I'm looking at the chart right now on my mug. And like I've, in Austin, I had a lot of number ones. It says separate hard lumps like nuts. And then in parentheses, hard to pass.

Yeah, I had that. And then I went to number two. That mug never stops. Okay. And then I had two where it was sausage shaped, but lumpy. Yeah. I had that. Yeah.

What's that? What's that? That guy fell down the stairs and then farted. Wait, did you fart in front of my doctor yesterday? Who did you fart in front of? That was wrong. Oh. I must have been something I ate.

You'd better get yourselves right over there. I don't know what the fuck. Well, I think we are. Okay. Sorry about that. Hey, who did you fart in front of? And you're like, well, they're going to know I'm a pig. It was an Austin.

You farted in front of the staff. Oh, the door was open. You're like, the door's open. That's what we're in the green room. The door's open. Yeah. And in that one, the door is in the kitchen. So the kitchen staff is right there.

I farted pretty loud. And then you're like, the door's open. I was like, oh, you know, they're here with us. You know, they're here with us. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh.

That's my favorite. I like the fake turn on. Oh, I like your fart. You did have this thing where you went into like every category this week. What's I'm saying? It happened in Momsen. I got constipated because we're on the road and I was eating fucking road fare. Well, I'm going to tell you exactly what causes that kind of fart.

Usually, see, road ass can go either way. Road ass can go loose stools. Number six or number seven. Number seven looks like the Valdez oil. Wait, let me read it. Can I read it? Number seven says watery comma. No solid pieces.

Period. Entirely liquid in bold. Oh my gosh. Number type six. Fluffy pieces with ragged edges comma. A mushy stool. Did you have that though? No, but where I'm at right now is a three, like a sausage, but with cracks on its surface.

So what I had to do because I wasn't type one when we came home. It was hard to pass. Yeah. I made poop soup. I had two bowls of poop soup and then I had a bunch of berries and then the next morning I drank coffee and I made like a number two. And then I'm working my way back to like a perfect four. Like a sausage or a snake, smooth and soft.

That's a number four. I had a six yesterday. Let me see. I thought you were vomiting because you were like huffing it. You were like, ah, like I heard you making sounds. Yeah, it was pretty intense. It was pretty intense. Well, walk me through it.

What happened? It was the sushi, remember? And then I went to that wardrobe fitting and the table. Yeah. For workaholics and I put some work in there. Did you fart in front of them? No, but I shit pretty massively twice there. Did they know?

No, I don't think so. One of the guys did who I later found out was an actor. He's an actor, like not one of the three main dudes, but one of the other guys. Yeah. He saw me in there a couple of times and he was like, oh, this guy keeps shitting that kind of thing. You're going to be known as the shitting guy. I hope so.

Maybe that could be a new character. Well, you know what happened in Austin? I'm sorry. Mom's done this week. First of all, happy New Year's guys. We had a really fun New Year's week in Mom's done. Thank you for coming out. But a wonderful thing happened this week is that I farted.

It farted in the hotel and you said, what did you say? I said, I was really proud of you. No. And impressed. Like a man. Yes. Yeah. And I go, is that the master telling the apprentice good work?

It pretty much was. I mean, you really, really took it to another level. It was huge and it was followed by a gasp because you had to exert so much force. That's the messed up part with number ones, like type ones in the Bristol stool charts is that you have a lot of gas and then you think like, oh, I'm really going to make brown because what if farts do? Farts push to shut it out. Yeah.

Like my mother always said, but then I'd sit down. It was just a lot of. Yeah. A kibble. There's a little kibbles. We kind of struck out sadly with food this week and we shouldn't because Austin's a great town, but we, you know, we had a bad location for a hotel. We had a hotel like, you know, one of those hotels right off a highway where.

Oh my God. And it's not like really next to anything. No. Certainly without a car. It wasn't really walking distance. There was like a sad Denny's. Yeah. It was a Denny's that people forgot.

You know, that was like, I mean, it's not, it's walkable, but it was cold and we didn't, you know. It was a bad week for us. There was no interest for it. It was just bad. And then every, we Uber just started there. Yeah. And we got.

Holy shit. How is that? I've never had that before in another city and everyone kept saying, well, Uber just started, but I don't know what that has to do with why everyone was like, we had. Jesus Christ. Ten Uber drivers, all of them, but two were terrible drivers. Like so. I mean, even if they had been, you know, they didn't just learn to drive that week.

They were bad drivers. They were, and especially like, Oh, you've never used GPS before, bro, before you became an Uber driver. The guys driving in the rain, steering the wheel with his left hand, holding his phone that's on navigation with his right, and he's looking at the phone more than that. That makes me crazy. Makes me crazy too. And the other guy, you know, he was like, Oh, well, it just kind of rerouted me this

way. Is this the way to go? I'm like, I don't know. I don't fucking live here. No, he goes, is this the way to go? And it's through the mall. Oh yeah. And we're like, bro, I'm pretty sure.

That's a parking lot. Yeah. Maybe not through the fucking lot. How about streets? Can we drive on streets with names? You fucking moron. The one guy was real decent though. Jesus Christ.

He was decent because he had already fucked up five times and then we get to the exit. He drives. He goes, I think that was the exit. And I was like, yep. So right then in there, he stopped. He ended the ride because these guys can get lost and drive and just charge you for being lost. Oh yeah, man.

So that was at least decent of him to do. Yeah. Mm hmm. It wasn't. It was. But even a little gesture like that will like, you know, make me feel better. I don't want to hate the guy anymore. No, but my favorite was we got, we got a man who clearly was a former cabbie.

He was one of his cars smelled like some kind of empanada. We get in and it's just, hey, one word, hello. And then comes the music. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. It was like Puerto Rican pride in the car. He's got like a, did you see his bag of spice that was hanging from the rear view? Yeah. Yeah.

It was like a miscellaneous sack, a satchel of herbs of some kind of witchcraft. And then just blaring that Puerto Rican music, not, not, and then slamming on the brakes and going, slamming on the brakes and going, slamming, and that makes me crazy when they drive like assholes. Yeah. Like bro. There we go. Yeah.

What's that? Trying to what? Yeah. You can roll out the window. Yeah. Slamming on the brakes. That dude was one, actually, but I was more disturbed, so he didn't bother me as much. That bothers me because Uber is supposed to be the opposite of this experience.

I know, but I was much more bothered by the guy who was clearly mentally ill and it was his, we were his first ride ever. He's much more disturbing to me. So this guy, we're staying in a hotel that has nothing walking distance to anything. We have to do our, when you do, when you live on the road, you do, you end up doing your grocery shopping. Sometimes at gas stations. Right.

So we go there just to get essentials. You don't have yogurt for the morning, get some protein bars, get some snacks, you know, waters. Yeah. Everything. So we do all that. I press the button. Great thing about Uber is Uber lets you see where, like once somebody takes your ride,

it shows you like how they're driving. I mean, even before you can see where the cars are kind of situated. So it's like this dude has accepted your call. He's coming. So I see him. He's like four minutes away. So I 35, like, you know, whatever, going kind of past us. And then he comes in our direction.

I say, okay. And then I see him drive right past the exit and then he keeps going. And then I watch him drive a few miles down. I'm watching the time thing that shows you how long increase. So instead of being four to three to two minutes, it's going five, six, seven. And then I see him, he turns and then he's coming the, they's coming back. In the direction. Then he's like, goes past that.

I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ. And then of course, I finally see him exit the right exit and he's coming towards us. And I see it. I see it go into the gas stage and then he drives right past them, like, oh man. So now I text them. Hey, you drove past and then he finally calls and I go, hey, he goes, yeah, I'm not real sure how this works. I'm by a Exxon gas station.

And I go, no, I'm at the Exxon gas station because yeah, I'm next door. And I go, I just told you where I'm at though. I'm at Exxon. This always works. Yeah. You come to us. Yeah. And then I see a guy like on the phone and I go, is that you?

And he's like, yeah. And I go, I think we'll just come to you because I realized that this was not going to get resolved. He's like, yeah, okay. We get over there. He's like, sorry, I've never done that. I'm like, oh, fuck. It's his first time ever.

Then he's like, do you have any preferred routes to go? I'm like, no, man, I just sent you the hotel. Just take us to the hotel. Can't fucking figure out how to get to the hotel. The whole thing made me crazy. The best part of that guy though is he kept asking us how we were doing. Like he's like, so how are you doing? We're still good.

And how are you doing today? Yeah. What's that from? Still good. Richard Christie. How are you doing? How are you doing? And I'm good and yourself.

I'm okay. How are you? He did. He kept doing that. So did you have a good holiday? Yeah. So it was good. Yeah.

Y'all having a good time in Austin? Yeah. So how are you today? Y'all have a good holiday? Yeah. No, we did. We're still good. Thank you.

Yeah. Which I know that's the politeness, you know. I just felt like there's a lot of dopes. And then the weirdest thing is that in our hotel, so we had to move rooms because the first night we get there and apparently somebody opened up a daycare center in the room next to us and there were kids just screaming and yelling and jumping on the bed and the parents were loud. We called downstairs three times, still wasn't resolved.

So finally they shut the hell up. So we move rooms because it's, you know, New Year's Eve is coming. The lady goes, well, you don't want to be on floors seven, eight or nine. And we're like, I'm glad she gave us the heads up though. Shit. Me too. She moved us to a quiet floor. To what room, bro?

420. Yeah. Yeah. 420. Yeah. So we're at room 420 and then the weirdest thing, man, we're in the lobby, we're eating and we see like grown adults coming in with like crates of booze and ice. Like how old are you?

What are you? 19 years old and you've rented a hotel room. These people are like our age, like partying in the rooms. Unbelievable. Who does that? I know. And the thing that really amazed me was, we're partying in this weird holiday in, well, you do that.

You're supposed to do that when you're underage. That's right. That's what we did in high school. Because you don't have nowhere, you can't go anywhere. So you get your case of beer and you get the holiday in room. Sure. And you're like. Trash it.

Yeah. But you get hammered somewhere that you can actually like sit down and relax, right? And have fun. But like, I know you see like a 40-year-old guy like, what are you doing, man? What are you doing? But the best was that I sat at the bar, the hotel bar, I can remember it like verbatim. The guy walks in and the bartender goes, he's like, do you want to have Budweiser? He's like this effeminate.

Henry the Gay Latin. He's so sweet though. He's the best. Yeah. And the guy goes, how'd you know? I ain't got my butt hat or my butt coozy or nothing. And he's like, I just know, he's like, I just, you just know I like Bud. Yeah.

I love Bud. And he's like, okay. And he gives him his Budweiser. The guy starts drinking it and he's like, it's my birthday and it's a birthday impression from my mom. And he's like, he's older than me for sure. My mommy. Yeah.

My mommy gave me like, he's like, you know, I'm assuming he's turning like 40, maybe 42 or something. So I mean, you know, cause I'm not 42. I'm like 30. You look at. Right. You look 48. So 48, we're up to 48 now.

So then another guy comes in and he's like, oh yeah. He's like, yeah. He's like, they put me in a 71M, 717. How about you? And he goes, I walked in on this part and he goes, I'm an 813. And the guy goes, yeah, I'm 717 and the guy goes, you know, and he goes, you know, I mean, it's King's house and baby and I, I ain't got no complaints. And he goes, you know, and 717 and he goes, you know, and they just like looked at each

other and he was like, it's going to be a good time. What the fuck are these guys talking about? Like they said their room number to each other three times each and then he's like looking at them and my birthday, my momma, my momma gave me these print, there's room here. I ain't got to drive back till tomorrow, 717. Maybe it was like gay code. Maybe it was like, I'm in room eight, whatever, come to my room and fuck me later. Did you get a look at those?

Suck my Budweiser. Did you get a look at those two guys? I did, bro. I think so. I think you were just witness to the most, the dumbest conversation in the world. Can you guys fucking, but then I started to think about, we started to talk about it too, how like, man, for some people, the saddest people in the world, you know, their reality is that for them, that's reality.

That's the conversation. That is the conversation, you know, and you hear those conversations sometimes like at a bar or something where you're like, what the fuck is this person's life like? Yeah. Where were we? We were overhearing some two girls talking. Oh, and I was like, if I had to have this conversation they're having, I would blow my goddamn brains out.

Yeah. It was something like, and then I, I found a coupon and the coupon was two for 50 cents and I thought, I got it going. You're like, what? And then I dropped off Timmy at Thacker practice and, you know, then he really had knee surgery and I was like, Jesus Christ, is this what people talk about? I can't hear this anymore. It is what they talk about.

God, a fucking nightmare. Yeah. It was, and then I know I heard these, these two girls came up to me after the show and then saw Amanda saw that like, so it was like, does he really do that? It's a, I was going to ask you, is that really true that you saw when you said that, is that something you really do? And I was like, yeah, she's like, yeah, he said that it is that he really does that. Because she was saying, there's no way he does that.

I was like, yeah, I think it does. She was like, no, I was like, well, let's ask them. So that's why we're asking you. And I'm like, you're really fucking asked and you got like, let's wrap this shit up. Jesus, it's the best. You know, we, I can't talk about this person. I guess some people are just people are, there are people that are ideas people and then there are people who are things people.

And they're both necessary to the world's functioning. You know, they both, everybody, everybody has their part in this ecosystem of humans. But I guess like the things people, I don't, I can't have those conversations. I can't fucking hear about mini blinds. I can't fucking hear about the portions at the restaurant. It's what killed me at day jobs. Oh, yeah, bro. You have a day job.

It's basically like 15 of those a day from 15 people that you don't want to talk to. Yeah, it's small talk. I think it's small. And just to be civil, because you're a decent human being, you engage that because the person works with you. So you're like, Hey, Melissa, you know, how was your weekend? Well, um, now I took, I took time to that. There was a fair and they had all the pineapples.

They used everyone to rock your brain around and try them all. They weren't as good. But then we went to somewhere juicy and some weren't so juicy and similar rotten put them on the stuck. I like to eat the pineapple on a stick. Diamond bar has good Salvadorian food. Did you hear that? Yeah, that was a fart.

Yeah. Oh, my God. I thought you actually like moved something, something slid. Was that impressive for? It was pretty good. Yeah, by the way, we haven't talked about it enough because we should talk about it all the time. If you haven't been watching how to be a grown up on true TV, it's the dog's

hits. I mean, it's really, really fucking funny, man. You know what you got away with saying this last episode? What? You go, if you don't like that, then fuck your mother. Go fuck your mother. Go fuck your mother. You said that on true TV.

Isn't that incredible? And then I said, as my grandma said, the best cure for old Dick is new Dick. And then I talked about being Puerto Rican. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. And they completely, you know, they aired it. They didn't even, they didn't even bleep yours. No.

Yeah. No, I have no idea they're going to allow that. All new. Let's see. Thursday, 10 30. East, 30. Easter, Easter, 10 30. Easter.

No, Easter, 10 30. Easter, 9 30 central Thursdays on true TV. I'm looking at our faces right now. Oh, yeah. On the website, how do I look? Sometimes I look horrible on that show and sometimes I look good. Apparently, if you have, I guess, I think you have to have the cable. That has this.

Yeah, I know. You can watch. They have 10 episodes on their site. Do they have the full episodes for Freezy for people to just to watch? Or do you have to have the cable providers password? That's the only one right now. You know what the guys, they have clips. They have like bloopers.

Yeah, they have clips. No, you have to have your login. I'm sorry. That sucks, but, you know, we can't give it away for free. But you got to get on the clips page. They have a shitload of clips that are free. Yeah, it's a funny show. There's a lot of good people on it.

Greg Fitzsimmons, who's been on our show, is on there. Is Al Jackson or Nate Jackson? Why can't I remember? Al Jackson, who is like the most perfect white teeth. Yeah, incredible. Aaron Foley, who's on That's Deep Bro pretty soon. There's a lot of good stuff. You guys already do one?

Yeah, I just haven't posted it up yet. How was it? Awesome. It's fucking rad. What's your guys topic? Feminism and what is it and why do people hate it so much? Why is it like the most annoying topic in the world? People like roll their eyes immediately when they hear it.

Yeah, when they're like feminism, I don't blame them. Yeah, it's gotten some, you know. Whatever. We talk about it and she's a lesbian, which I think is really interesting to have from her perspective. Yeah, of course. That's a whole other way of being a feminist. Yeah, dynamic to the whole thing.

You know what I mean? Them lesbians, they're a scissor and all day long. And you have time to work. Okay, this is a clip from our show. How to be a grownup. How to set up a friend. It's fun to be able to set your friends up. You know, you want them to be happy, but, you know, there's rules.

For example, I'm setting up my friend, Tasha, right? My taste, tall blonde chicks. Her taste, dudes. Any adult that's hooked people up before and done it the right way knows you need to do it like a blackjack dealer. Just good luck to you guys. Don't call me. When you're younger, people just like set you up because someone's nice.

I got set up with so many nice girls. I was like, you're no fun. Give me somebody with a bad attitude, you know? I don't want nice. I want somebody that plays rough. Yeah. I was pointing to myself when you said that. You had to see there's a lot of visual humor happening.

There is, there is. It's a good time, man. We had a good time. You got to stop letting them curl my hair on that goddamn show. Oh, look at you. They curl it and it looks so stupid. God damn it. You know why?

Because they always mash it down for the green screen. And then that ruins the fluff of the curl. So why am I curling my hair if somebody's going to mash it down? Huh. I know it's not a big thing for you, but for girls it's annoying. Well, if this is like your feminism topic, I'm tapping out. You shut your mouth. Fucking broads in their curls.

Look at your beard. Your beard has evolved so much on how to be a grown-up. It really has. It's really funny. You can tell when we shot it. Yeah. By the end, the last few episodes. Any time you see a clip and it's thick, it's one of the later days.

And there's one where we come back from the cruise and we're fat. Bonus lessons. What is this? I feel like drill sergeants sometimes are welcome. I was Kira Soltanovic. You know, I want everyone just to keep their stuff neat. And I get in people's faces. Why are you waiting to die by 9-O-N-O?

Kira. OK, I don't really do that. It's going to be a man-mini van. A man-e-van. My man-e-van. If you have the money, skip the ring, get your wife a championship belt that says I'm married bitches. But I did her fart during the proposal.

You're right, sweetie. To your credit, you did not fart during the proposal. That's true. I'm so proud of you. How did you refrain from farting during that? I just thought I'd wait till you said yes. How adorable are we? We're the best.

Yeah. God, I just love watching us. Me, me, me, me. Yeah. Me too. I'm the best on that show. Yeah, yeah. That's great.

Stoops. These are more girls. Man, some of these girls can really fart. Jesus. Oh. Whoa. That felt so good. You can tell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It felt really good. Yeah, I know what you mean. That was from deep inside. Deep in your mouth. Yeah. Tom. Yeah, so you went, ooh.

Don't go smelling my farts. Don't go smelling my farts. Don't go smelling my farts. Don't go. Don't go smelling my farts. Don't go smelling my farts. God, you really blew me away with that one. Yeah.

Well, sometimes we're together and, you know, we'll just. It's creative. Yeah, something we'll just add to nowhere. Yeah, we're artists, guys. This one like creative. You just belted this out and I just loved it. Don't go smelling my farts.

Don't go smelling my farts. Don't go smelling my farts. Don't go smelling my farts. Oh, you can smell it, no lie. I'll hunt it if I get it. I push so hard that I want you to smell them. Don't go smelling my farts. Don't go smelling my farts.

You take the way I want you to be. Take a whiff of my pants. Oh. Don't you knock on my door. Oh. I gave you my key. I smelled them all day. Ooh.

Nobody knows it. When I was down. I was your friend. Oh. Nobody knows it. Nobody knows it. Right from the start. I gave you my heart.

I gave you my heart. Yep. Oh. Ah. My heart. It smells like my heart. Ooh. I don't know if it's a heart.

Oh. Nice. I gave you my heart. Yeah. Ah. Ah. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Ah. My heart. There's no bells. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Whatever. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ahh. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ahh. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. You have a spark to the flame. That's right.

Ahh. Bum-do Covid smell my fire Ah. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh. Wow. Hahaha.

That's really good. That's Elton John. You really, you really got me with that one. Thanks. I mean, as soon as you sang, you know when like, I think that's probably like, what Elton John or like John Lennon felt like when they hear an instrument and then they go, you know what I mean? Or a chord and they're like, that's a song.

Right. It's like you said, tongue goes not in my heart. And as soon as you said, I was like, where's the rest of the song, you know? I knew it was, it was a hit. I knew right away. Well, you know, Tom, I agree. Sometimes inspiration hits. And it's much like the Mary G. Blyche shrimp song.

It's a lot like, you came up with, get out of my dreams. Yeah. Get into my genes. Which was genius. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Sometimes it's just inspiration hits. I know. But I can't take credit, Tom. You understand? I believe in a higher power and I'm just, it's coming through me. It's coming through you. I understand.

It's not from me. It's from a higher place. You're just pointing it out basically. Yeah. Yeah. That's a really big admission to make that you're not, you didn't write, don't go smelling my fart. No.

It was sent to you. You know, like Michelangelo, it's not as though he carved David out of the marble. It's that the marble revealed David to him. It's the same way that I write lyrics for these songs. Okay. It's just, it's not, it's not me. Yeah. It's God working through me.

You know. Yeah. Oh Jesus. Oh God. I could listen to that. Why is it so funny to just hear farts? Stupid song. Well, it was, you know.

And that was your piece of genius. Oh, mommy. Oh, no. What happened? It fell. Oh, here, put it on you now. Oh, Lord, Lady Grantham. Lady Mary.

We finally started again. So. Thank God. Down in mommy's room. Some of you obviously came to the, we had our regular meetup of the SoCal Downton Daddies at the, the same bookstore in Long Beach. We always meet up and we talked about episode one of season five, which was fantastic. You know, it was a great way to start off the new season.

I loved it. Yeah. It was a strong series premiere. Makes you realize how hard it is on that show to keep everything going. It's hard to keep it going and keep it at a level that makes logical sense because some shows will end up creating supernatural things or too many people get murdered. Yeah. Or they add like the cute young kid character.

What do you want? What episode is this? This is the episode. This is season. What worries me is our government. How did you get that on the internet? It's on YouTube. OMG.

That was Mary. Very practical. But it's obviously like a pirated version, you know. It's not like clear. I can't believe that. I thought they might have asked me. I feel a bit guilty about the school. I have to support it more.

I'm giving away the prizes this year. Come with me. Bow. Can we clear the tea? I'm afraid Lady E dismissed it. That's Lady Cora. She doesn't talk funny. Pharaoh's Thomas, right?

Yeah. He's a dick. Yeah. He's a big old stinky dick bag. I hate barrows. I wish you'd just get fucking sacked already. Well, we thought it was about to happen. And then what happened?

Well, I can't give it away. Spoiler alert. But Thomas is a little cunt. Thomas bow, y'all. Right? Cunt. Now that should have been in season five. Porta.

Number one. Y'all right? Cunt. I wish that somebody would say cunt on Downton Abbey. It would be the best. It would be the best. Marry. You're right.

Cunt. What? And father, she was, I don't quite know how to say it, but she was a bit of a cunt. I love Lady Grantham is my favorite character on that show. She's a genius. You know what's so annoying though? Because I've seen her, she's also in the Harry Couture movies. Yeah.

She's at hog tits. Speaking of tits, her, the actress that plays her, her tits are so low and hanging. Yeah. And you can. She's in her seventies. But bro, you know, my nana had huge swingers because we got huge cans in our family. It's really about buying the right bra. I feel like.

But you saw the manners of Downton Abbey where they talked about doing everything by the book. She showed up shooting day one. Her tits were up and that guy was like, yo tits are much too high in this era. Nobody's tits would have been that high. They need to be down around your waistline and they made her reduce her tits. So you're saying that in Edwardian times, it was customary for ladies of certain age to let their boobs, their slappers hang low.

I'm sure as everything with that show that it's accurate. The thing is they wore corsets, so they did have undergarments to hold in their bosoms. They just wore corsets. So why isn't Lady Grantham wearing a corset? It's a very good question and one that we could send in to the show's writers. I wish we could ask Bernadette Peters. Hi. What up from Christina?

Jeansiske asks, why are Lady Grantham's tits so low? Can she not pull them up with a better bra? But Lady Grantham's tits are always soggy. Watch Harry Potter when we watch the movie again tonight and they're so soggy and low and there's no reason to be that low. You can buy a bra to hoist them up, man. I'm sure at Hogwarts they can magically make bras to hold up old lady tits. Hog tits.

So by the way. You need that underwire. She needs underwire. On those titties. It's such a good show though. I mean, if you guys have never heard it, it's really worth getting into. This is a little piece of news I've been meaning to address for a while. Mama, I love you.

There's reports that Donna Goodow was murdered in prison and people brought to our attention for the last month. It came, the story came about about a month ago that she was murdered. But then I picked up another news story and guess what it said? She is not dead. Thank God. So I know the big story has been that she was murdered in prison and there's a lot of that on a bunch of sites saying that she was murdered.

But check this other story out. Let me see if I can actually get this. It says Donna Goodow is not dead. Earlier, another, a number of sites reported that Donna Goodow, the internet sensation, and this site is wonky. Like I can't even, I can't even, you know when you try to scroll and it doesn't scroll? Yeah, it's like, what does that mean? I don't know, man.

There's viruses all over that website. AIDS. But it says that she was murdered by another inmate, you know, Twitter and Facebook blew up with it. But later, these, the people at this site said that they were happy to report that Jason Clark, the director of public information for the Murray Lane unit of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice has reported and confirmed that Goodow is in fact alive, although still incarcerated.

So, she, she's still alive. Well, that's good. Bume squad, baby! Well, thank God. Yeah. I mean, I thought women's prisons were a little, you know, nicer than men's prisons. Yeah, in your eyes, it's sandals. It is like a nice resort, yeah.

Well, I hope she gets out soon. I hope she can straighten it out. Well, I mean, look, she's young enough that she could turn her life around. And she needs to stop representing PIMP squad. Yeah. I don't know. I don't think you ever really stopped doing that. Really?

No, I don't think so. You think it's for life? Yeah, I think so. Okay. Um, she's a, it says that she, the woman, Donna Goodow, who you know, for holding it down barely, and I'm legally blind, was stabbed to death. Um, I don't know, you know, I don't know which, which side of the story to believe, but I like to believe that she is still alive.

I hope so. Poor Donna. Get out of prison and leave PIMP squad already. Geez. Get out of the PIMP squad. Yeah. Please. Come on.

Crime doesn't pay, guys. You guys, you gotta understand that crime's bad. Hey, we had a, a listener email in Tom, I think this is something more for you than for me. Okay. Um, he was asking, how does exercise impact your Browns? Oh, please. I thought we've addressed this a bunch on this show.

Where's that fucking cop, huh? That came in the day too. I didn't know if you wanted to hear that. Yeah. You know, the porn stuff doesn't really tickle me because I feel bad for the people involved. Did you hear what was being said? No. You want to hear it?

All right. Where's that, where's that fucking cop, huh? You see, you, you think it's funny and I hear pain and suffering and that's why I don't laugh. It sounds horrifying. All right. He said, where's that cog? Yeah.

And then, yeah. So what part is the funniest that she's in pain? The whole conversation. I mean, the whole thing is funny. Yeah. We got into a murder show. Wait, what were you saying right before that though? Oh, I'm sorry.

About taking dumps. Yes. How does exercise impact the Browns? It's, it's insane. To me, I have to really be careful. I mean, cardio is really the thing, you know, when you do a lot of cardio, like if you run, do anything like play basketball, tennis and you really get the heart rate going, you're sweating.

Man, the, the impact is, is I, I always will take more dumps that day. And I always have to watch what I have with the first thing that I'm eating after that. Like today I went to the gym and I did like 40 minutes of cardio and I had a shake that I made, you know, with fruit and, and that, and because it's, it's much easier on the, on the digestive system. Yeah. If I have something rich, you know, afterwards or spicy. I remember you.

So immediate. I remember there was a time where you came back from making fitness and you, you had like a bowl of spicy seafood pasta and you had explosive Browns. Yeah. I mean, and tonight too, like tonight without question, normally if you're just going to have dinner tonight, you know, that'd be fine. I could go to the bathroom in the morning. Yeah.

But because of the running today, when after we eat about two, three hours after we eat, I'm going to definitely have to go. Definitely. Wow. That's a really neat story. I mean, you know, the blood gets moving your, and I think part of it too is that your digestive system, your body is fascinating. It knows that because you did all that work, it's got to push out stuff quicker because

other stuff's going to be coming in. So, you know, it's an amazing system. That's interesting. Yeah. Now I actually had the opposite experience that exercise can have an adverse reaction or no reaction for me. What actually makes me brown, and this is really interesting, is heat. When it's hot outside, yeah, like when I get really overheated and hot.

You have to brown? Yes. And I get diarrhea in the summertime, like those first couple of weeks of summer, I just get really hot and I have to shit. You know why? Because I don't like to eat in the summer. I feel nauseous going from the heat, and then that makes me have to shit. Isn't that interesting?

Very. And then cold makes me not brown. I have to be warm to shit. Very interesting. I know. It's fascinating. Hang one second. I got to check one thing.

Sure. Okay. Okay. Oh yeah, so here's a clip that I saw over the weekend. I think it was leading up. There's a big UFC fight in Vegas, and this is pretty, it's one of the best here, one of the all time greatest. Never, never disappoints.

It's Steven Seagal, everybody. They can't beat her. So that's Seagal, and he's, man, it's unbelievable how... Talented he is, but we cover it a lot, you know? Yeah. He's done a lot. Yeah. Very accomplished.

Oh, did this just happen? One side jeans. Oh, it looks like John Jones, who won the huge fight over the weekend, tested positive for cocaine. And wow, and he went and checked into rehab today. Wow. That sucks. Well, at least, you know, they can't say it was a real performance enhancing drug, right?

It wasn't... Yeah. Come on. One of those. But anyways, that's just, I just noticed that right now. He beat Daniel Cormier on Saturday night. I don't think this thing has any, obviously. You know, we'll have any implication on that, because it's cocaine, and he just knows how

to have a good time. It's basically what that means. Yeah. That's a party drug. That's not like, I'm going to win this event, kind of a drug, right? Don't they take like HGH to win things? Yeah, sure. Or some other type.

I'm sure Coke, being Coke, that doesn't hurt. Little extra motivation. Yeah. But this is, yeah. I mean... I've seen the Wolf of Wall Street. All right. Anyways, it's hard to hear, but Seagal enters the gym here, and he sees Cormier, who, like

I said, Jones beat, and he's like, if I'm going to show you these moves, then anybody here sees them, and they tell him, so he's like, these moves are so secret. Yeah. These fight moves that people can't witness them, so Cormier's like, we need to get people out. He's like, nobody can... That's what's being said right there. Oh my God.

He's out of it. Look, anybody here, who's going to see what I teach you, and tell anybody about it? They can't be there. They can't be here. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this a lot of motherfuckers that have... Well, it didn't amount. Well, it didn't amount to anything.

Yeah. And I think he just went, there's a lot of motherfuckers, like he's, you know, jiving it up for him. I mean, he's got the sound like... Is he... Is this a gentleman... Black, yeah. Yeah.

That's why he's doing it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this a lot of motherfuckers that have... Well, it didn't amount. Well, it didn't amount to anything. Yeah. Daniel's asked me to show him a couple things that are unusual and I will do that. Let's see how it goes.

Please turn that off. What's up? Yeah. Off, off, off. I mean, you know very well what could happen if he does one of those right. If he does one of those right, the game is over. The fight is over. You know that.

You know, I've been stupid. He's a quick study, man. He was learning stuff very nicely and very quickly and I was impressed. I'll see you soon. All right, Daniel. All right. So everyone who was working out at the gym had to leave, including top tier, you know, fighters.

Came to ask us there. He's like, you gotta... It's nice to meet you, but you gotta go and show me these secret moves right now. Wait. Yeah. If he does it, you know, if he lands any of them, we all know what could happen. Now, but Steven Seagal knows that he pretend fights in movies and he doesn't fight in real life, right?

Well, you know, he is very highly skilled at... Is it Akito? One of the... He actually is really, you know, as high as you can get in that martial art, but like this whole... I know... He's like, I'm gonna show him some unusual... Like these...

Right. Like there's moves that you haven't even heard. Like that's... Like Mr. Miyagi kind of stuff. He's gonna show him some wax on the wax off. He's gonna show him the crane. Yeah, yeah. Well, he claimed that.

He claimed that when another fighter, Anderson Silva, did some front kick, he was like, I invented that. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. He invented the kick. Yeah. Yeah. I invented the kick and I...

He invented the kick. I showed him and he did it. I'm proud of him, but he took my invention. I developed it for you. He was like, I developed the front kick. Yeah. His mind. He's out of his fucking mind.

But in more Seagal-related news, this was... Well, this was a blessing in the skies is that Seagal is being sued right now. This just came out for sexual harassment and sexual trafficking. Oh, boy. Seagal, according to court papers filed last week, let's see here. Last week, Caden Nguyen with the Vietnamese spelling of Nguyen, N-G-U-Y-N, a 23-year-old former model has filed a million-dollar sex trafficking and harassment claim against Seagal. She was hired...

She says she was hired as an assistant, but was used as a sex toy. Two other women have provided sworn declarations to assist in the lawsuit. Both women worked for Seagal, but resigned after he made inappropriate sexual advances towards them. Oh, dear. Seagal's lawyer characterized the accusations as absurd and says the actor has no knowledge of these women. He continued, the declarations were clearly prepared by Nguyen's lawyer to be leaked to

the media to help bolster his client's meritless claims. Seagal used to be married to a model, Kelly LeBrock. No kidding. Yeah. Weird science, Kelly LeBrock. That was the super hottie from that? Yeah. She was like the goddess of the 80s.

Oh, well, okay. Most definitely. Yeah. She was smoking hot. Yeah. And she said the accusations are very upsetting. They have three children together. I had no idea.

He was a father. I didn't know. He doesn't really ever mention that he has children. No. He's weird. He's more interested in other stuff. Well, it's weird that he has expertise knowledge in so many fields, and he has three kids at home to take care of.

It's pretty amazing. Well, maybe like the Buddha nature that he subscribes to. The Buddha. The Buddha nature. You know, has, you know, taught him how to parent in a different way. Yeah. LeBrock said that revealed that she was constantly raped and abused her whole life. Oh my gosh.

Really? She doesn't say him. She says that her entire life. When asked if she was referring to Seagal, she clarified, I had a life before Steve and Seagal and a life after him. This book, I guess she has a book, it's not about him, but good or bad, he is a part of my life. Oh, good.

You had your whole life. Jesus. Yeah. That's terrible. Poor lady. Dude, I see a picture on this site. It is uncanny how much you look like a dog, the bounty hunter's wife. Really?

Oh, thanks. What part is it? My the. Beth Chapman. Sorry. I didn't want to not give her the right name. Beth Chapman. A dog, the bounty hunter's wife.

His name. Yeah. You're like your hair. Yeah. And your tits. You're a dead ranger for her. Face. I see a little difference.

But. But what part is it? Is it my hair color, my nails and stuff? Yeah. I mean, your hair is exactly the same, the style, the color, everything. Your tits are similar to. What do you think? She has a bra that Lady Grantham.

That's what I'm saying. Lady Grantham. Can you use a bra like dog's wife? Yeah. Because Beth has huge hooters. Hey, dog's wife. Could you help Lady Grantham? I heard there's a lady, a lady Grantham around here, needs a little help with her tits, holding

her tits up. I actually, I really like Beth on that show, though. I like her personality. Because she's awesome. She's a fucking spinning image of you. Yeah. We're like soul sisters, aren't we? Yeah.

You could do stand-in double work. Tits sisters. Yeah. You could do all the, you know, you could double as her easily. Cool. Thank you. It's really flattering. I'm just telling you how it is.

Yeah. Cool. All right. That's why we're 42 years old. Excuse me? You're 40. I'm not 42. I'm really not happy with you.

Yeah, but people think you are. That's all that matters. With you, they were like, remember, I was like, she goes, uh, 42? You led her. You go 40. Did you hear that? Yeah. There you go.

How old does my wife look? 40. I said 40 what? What a jerk face. Oh, 42. You're the worst. We put together the, um, my comedy trio. Oh, fuck.

Fuck's sake. I love comedy. Obviously. I mean, it's my chosen path in life. Yeah. And I love movies. So you go, what are your three favorite, if you had, we had to do the meat trio of movies for me that are funny, what would they be?

Well, like, let's start with my list for funny movies. I love, uh, I think Ghostbusters is one of the funniest movies. I like, uh, I like it too. By the way, I love that movie. I love the Royal Ten and Bombs makes me laugh here and there. What? You don't like that one? I mean, I wouldn't put it on my all-time list, but this is your list.

I like those movies. I like, uh, for comedy, something really, there's an 80s movie. I'm not remembering. It's really inappropriate and makes me laugh all the time. Yeah. That's a good, that's a good one. Hold on. Let me think about it.

I don't know. Christmas vacation is pretty big for you. No, no. I like European vacation more. Oh, okay. Of course you do. Whatever. It's got to be European for you.

Yeah. Um, okay. Is there, is there another one you wanted to mention or no? I can't remember. European vacation, Ten and Bombs. No, I like, I like Ghostbusters. I think that's a perfect comedy. Okay.

Oh, I think coming to America is a perfect comedy. It's a great one too. Great. And I think, oh no, Idiocracy is a perfect comedy. That's different. It's that. That is other level. Yeah.

That other levels. That's another level. Well, those three movies. Transcends the whole genre. Idiocracy is probably one of the fun. It's the like funniest movie. It's pretty brilliant. It's ridiculous.

Um, and I like, uh, I love old school. Oh yeah. That's a good one. It's really funny. Now for you, your comedy favorite. Well, first of all, I would say that I like all those movies a lot. Those are all great comedies. So, but what really tickles your, well, those movies really tickle me too.

I have, if I was going to be like, here's some really funny stuff you should watch. Yeah. Like a good comedy. I would say here's a clip, see if you can figure out what movie it is. So far, the Foley, the Foley art's great on this, foot steps, good clip. I didn't, I didn't know where it was. I just, you know, looked it up. Yeah.

I wonder why we can't guess it already. I know. It's just a bad, it's not my fault. Really recognizable. All right. There we go. This is where it gets funny. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Okay.

Gotcha. Oh. He's a great guy. Yeah. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Oh. It's a little slow. Oh. Come on. Come on. Don't get the hang of yourself. Oh. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Oh. Sw Sche indies. Yeah. I forgot how funny this was. Doing really well.

Wait. What do you laugh at? What? That I didn't realize that it would be the funniest scene in the movie. I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I lucked out and that I cute up the funniest scene. Okay. Okay.

Oh, shit. And what scene is that, Tom? This is when Henry and his buddy have a couple of hookers in the car. Oh, my God. So, Henry's in the backseat and he kills the hooker that he's with. Henry portrait of a serial killer. A serial killer. This is one of my top three comedies.

This is the funniest scene. So, he kills this hooker and you don't realize that his buddy is in the front seat getting a blowjob from another hooker. So, her the hooker. I get, no, it's really funny already. The other hooker. Set up for it. The other hooker looks up and she's like, what'd you do to my friend?

She starts to scream. Yeah. Henry, well, Henry's friend grabs her like, you know, instinctively because she's trying to get away. It's such a red flag. Henry snaps her neck. Henry snaps her neck and the friend goes like the friend's eyes bug out of his head because he doesn't realize that his friend Henry just breaks necks all the time.

So, his expression is amazing because he's really just like, he thinks they're just gonna, you know, he doesn't know what's happening, but he's obviously just like, stay here, stop screaming. He's not like, I'll break your neck. So, when Henry does it, he's like, what the fuck? Okay. Okay. Definitely one of the hardest I ever laughed in my life.

Yeah. No, I hear it too. Now, this is what's known as a red flag in the relationship. No, it's not. This is one of your flags that I just, I overlook constantly. I just ignore it. I just ignore it. Because I know that enough people listen to our show that if I do turn up missing, oh,

well, Tom Sucker murdered her. Everybody knows. So, it's kind of my, by making this public knowledge, then I'm safeguarding my own life. Look at you. You can't stop laughing. Susie! Susie! Susie!

Susie! Susie! Yeah. See, the thing is I don't remember how funny the rest of the movie is. I just, for me, I always think about this scene and I know how funny this scene is. But it's almost like, is it a movie that has one funny scene? I don't remember. I got to watch the whole thing again.

Sure. But it definitely has the funniest scene in a movie. Yeah, no. It's just like the scene in Ghostbusters or Rick Moranis with Bill Murray. Did you really laugh? Yes, in the ESP cards and he gets electrocuted. You didn't laugh your ass off when you saw this scene? No.

Why? Just I was focused on murder, the part where he kills the girl and the other girl screams in terror and runs away and like that part bummed me out. It kind of trumped the humor of the scene a little for me. I think you just, you're not focused. Oh, American Psycho I think is one of the funniest movies of all time. Yeah, that is hilarious. It's hilarious.

That movie's really good. That's intentionally hilarious too. Yeah. Yeah, it's made. It's different than Henry Portrait of a serial killer. But I just said, I don't remember if the whole movie's funny or just the scene. Henry Portrait of a serial? Yeah.

You don't remember. The whole movie is funny. Yeah. Or just to see. I think it's just that scene. It might just be that scene. Yeah. Let's see.

I forget how funny it gets. Right now he's dragging bodies out of it. Let's see. Otis. I'll drag. And Otis is like, Jesus, I just had a kid in a BJ. You didn't have to break her neck. When Patrick Bateman puts the girl's body in a Versace bag and then the other yep, he's

like, oh, is that bag Versace? That's funny. What's going to happen when they find those bodies? Nothing. What do you mean nothing? That's what I said, Otis. Nothing. Nothing's going to happen because nothing happened.

And I don't know nothing about it, whatever it is. Do you? Hey, I don't know nothing. Good. Oh, fuck. So the juxtaposition of Patrick Bateman savagely murdering somebody and then dumping them in like a designer bag and then another yep, he sees the bag and gets jealous. That's the funny part.

That's how they make murder funny in that movie. I don't know. And Henry Ports of a serial killer, if it's a similar mechanism there, you know, or... Here's another funny movie. Yeah. Let's see. I didn't beat him. Yeah, I whipped him.

I don't pick up high heels, cold shovels, beat my children. People changes. Now you know what it is. Well, Stevie. Stevie. Yeah. Some parts are darkly funny though. He drinks.

Yeah. He does. No one. I do like this one. She ripped my earring out of my ear and had to go to the hospital and have stitches over that. And I asked her that one time. I said, you ever been hit by a guy?

She said, no. I said, well, now you have. I'm not like these other men that you can run over and just push around. I said, I'm a self, but I've got a temper. I can control it. Yeah. There's funny stuff throughout that movie. Yeah.

You know. There are some good moments. People get mad. They get over it. You know, they realize stuff later on down the road. He's kind of a philosopher, right? Yeah. He should be on my show.

And that's deep raw. Yeah. I mean, wouldn't you say that he has a lot of philosophies? Yeah. People changes. Yeah. You know, they call him a snake. I was going to knock her in the head one day out here.

Of course, this. I got the garage because she called me. I retarded. I was going to knock her in with a claw hammer. No, it's retarded. We learn. You walk up to a rattlesnake. Do you stand there?

Or do you run like hell and take a chance again? Better not. Buddha. That's like, do I take a chance? Then people land or take a chance again, stabbed in the back again. That's deep. That's very deep. That's actually pretty, pretty profound that he made that analogy.

It's not bad. Yeah. Yep. So there's funny stuff throughout that movie. That's another laugh at LOL kind of comedy. Yeah. But then I guess probably the funniest movie of all time. Did you with Johnny Grasso and Ronald Farber?

Yes. What did you do? I touched them. Okay. What do you mean? Exactly. Touched them. Oh boy.

I fondled them. Okay. What for? Oh boy. I couldn't help myself. What else? I unzipped myself. Okay.

You mean masturbated? No. Then what? I hate love. Yeah. I'm hilarious so far. What do you mean? It's not the funny you're seeing me.

I hate this movie. I fucked them. Okay. What was it like? It was great. Did you do it again? Yes. That is funny.

I can't stop laughing. I didn't pull up a funny clip. Yeah. Do you want to tell them what movie that is? Your favorite? Yeah. It's a happiness. Yeah.

Ironically named. Yeah. It's a really funny movie though. That really is a really funny movie. Parts are entertaining and funny and then that part's not so funny. No. That's not the funny part. I just typed in happiness and I got that clip but it's from a greater funny movie.

Yeah. Remember when he was talking to the kid, the kid's dad about him? No. I blocked this out. I saw this in the theaters in the 90s and I wanted to block it out as soon as I got out of the theater. Yeah. I didn't really respond to this film positively.

You know. It didn't really do it for me. That's a funny movie. Oh yeah. You can watch it on YouTube for $2.99. Okay. Yeah. You guys want nightmares?

Go ahead and watch Tom's three classic comedies. In happiness, he goes, he's with a real rough-neck dad and he's like, I'm thinking my son's gay. And he's like, you know, I don't know if I should just send him to camp or just kick the shit out of him or something. And the guy goes, he's 11. And the guy goes, man, you're right. It's too late. That's pretty funny.

It's pretty funny. And remember, Philip Seymour Hoffman's brilliant in it. I remember him masturbating and like crying. Yeah. He would put his cum on the back of like photos or postcards and stick them on the wall. Yeah. That is funny. That's a good comedy.

Well, people are still listening to this. Pick up Tom's neat movie trio. As I mentioned, my three top comedy picks would be Idiocracy, Coming to America and Ghostbusters. My husbands are Henry Portrait of a serial killer, Stevie and Happiness. Yeah. So, you know, you decide it's your life. Let me see if this one's better. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Here's the movie. I can't listen to this movie. I know who you are and you are nothing. You think you are fucking something, but you are fucking nothing. You are empty. You are a zero. You are a black hole. And I'm going to fuck you so bad you're going to be coming out of your ears.

Rest in peace. Do you think he's proudest of this one? Maybe. Dead or resources. Who are you? Oh, yeah, I should call him back. It's such a great movie. Yeah.

I can't believe you don't like Happiness. Andy, are you okay? Yeah, sure. I'm fine. Okay, there's the first quote in the trailer. Subtly savage, evilly funny. That's the quote from the New York Times. I don't agree with the New York Times. I'm just saying that I'm not the only...

Jersey down, but that's just because they don't get it. I'm living in a state of irony. I would say that I might make one edit to my trio. Go ahead. Maybe just watch the scene from Henry Portrait of Syracola on YouTube. Why don't we put it on the website? Why don't you email it to me and I'll make sure that it's up. And then they can decide for themselves how funny it all is.

Yeah. True. I hope you tell your therapist about these films. Do you mention it to her? I haven't. Okay, well, maybe it's time. You think it's time for real? I don't know.

Just saying. It's one of those things. Do you think you know Jamaicans well? Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah, we have cities. We don't just have beaches. Yeah. Cheese.

And we don't always say mon. Obviously, because we're not saying it right now. And we speak English. We don't always speak part. We're like, seriously? Seriously. We don't say mon. So when I hear them on TV saying, yeah, mon, this mon,

I'm like, what the hell? Kind of irritating. You're like, what? I know they're supposed to be Jamaicans because they're saying mon, but seriously, don't better job at it. Don't say mon. Stop trying to catch the accent. Leave them.

It's annoying. I know, but that's just the stereotype when they're trying to play out the stereotype. How cute are those two girls? They're adorable. Adorable girls. I could listen to them talk about stuff all day. Yeah, I liked them a lot. Oh, come on, but don't say mon.

We're going to say mon. Very pretty. Mon. Very pretty, yes. Very pretty. They have nose rings. Yeah, they're super cute. Mm-hmm.

They're super looking in the flip thing. They're looking at themselves the whole time. Yeah. Which is so funny. Yeah. Which is hard not to. When your own image is up there? Yeah, you're like, oh, I'm really cool.

I like amazing. Hello. Hello, Fattie. There's this. Oh, go ahead. Go ahead. There's this ice cream truck that runs through our neighborhood every day. Yeah.

And every day it goes, hello, like that. Hello, fat ass. Yeah. Yeah, you always say that. It makes me giggle every day in my life. That's great. Hello, Fattie. You want some ice cream, fat ass?

You want some ice cream, you fat asshole? Hello. Hello. We had Cinebuns. We made Cinebuns. We got a Trader's Joe one, and we got a one from the grocery store. I got to say that the, well, hold on. Let me do this real quick.

Yeah. Okay. All right. You know what I found? Because I think you may have heard of this. I think I was telling you that people on Twitter were giving credit to. People changes. People changes to Kanye for breaking Paul McCartney.

Oh my God. I wanted to kill myself when I saw that. Yeah. So the story goes, I guess. I hate this generation so much. God. I guess he has a new song with McCartney. Yeah.

I don't know the song, but I guess he has a new song and people are digging it. And then people are like, hey man, this is what I love about Kanye is that he shines light on unknown. Unknown. Yeah. It's amazing. From the Beatles. Somebody wrote, Kanye has a great year for talent.

This Paul McCartney dude is going to be huge. Amazing. Who the fuck is Paul McCartney? Cool. This is why I love Kanye, shining the light on unknown artists. This generation is doomed, by the way, and it's not their fault. Doomed. Yeah.

We're devolving. Devolution. What is the song though? I thought I was kind of rambling. I don't know, man. I can't believe Paul McCartney would lower himself to do a fucking song with Kanye West. Why? I don't know.

I just think he's so arrogant, Kanye. I don't like him. Oh, really? Yeah. It's not even the music. I actually like his music. He is a really talented musician though. He really is.

Yeah. I love this though. I want to see what... Oh, this is... Oh, God, the wrong... Anyways, do you know what it got me thinking of? What's that? I forgot that the wonderful guys, Ghost Crew, when we had our debate, our biggie, smalls,

Beatles, they made a song. Oh, good. I forgot that it was again in my phone, so let's see if I can cue that up here. Well, it's a good thing we got these new iPhones. Do you think I care about this? Not... It's weird. I know.

It's like that chord's loose, huh? Yeah, something like that. Huh. Do you think I care about... The chord is loose, huh? Huh. Oh, shoot. This fucking debate, it's not a real debate, guys.

It's a hundred percent real debate. Money, money, money, pussy, money. That's all I got, guys. You know what time it is. And if you don't know, now you know. No big words. Huh. Huh.

Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you, partner.

This album is dedicated for all the teachers that told me I never amount to nothing. For all the people that lived above the buildings that I was hustling for, they called the police on me when I was just trying to make some money to feed my daughter. It was all a dream, I used to read word-up magazines. Something pepper and heavy D up in the limousine. Hanging bitches on my wall. Every Saturday, rap attack, Mr. Magic Mall and Mall. I let my tape rock till my tape pop.

Smoking weed and bamboo, sipping old cotton stock. Way back when I had the red and black lumberjack with the hat to max. Remember rapping Duke? The hard, the hard, he never thought that hip hop would take it this far. Now I'm in the limelight cause I rhyme tight. Time to get paid, blow up like the world train. Born thinner, the opposite of a winner. Remember when I used to eat Sardine for dinner.

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Wow, Theo's in the song too? That was awesome. That was really amazing, actually. Speaking of... God knows good.

I know, it's fantastic. Jesus. Those guys are so talented, it goes through. Dick. It's a new year. I hope we get some new submissions, new music submissions. Yeah, mommies. How about some...

If you guys are out there and you want to hear your instrumentals or your songs on the show, please by all means send them in. YourMomsPodcast at gmail.com. YourMomsPodcast at gmail.com. What do you think? Yeah, we need some more music. Yeah, man. It's getting there.

All right, well, it's... It's time to get drinks. You all right there? What's going on? I gotta get something to eat. Me too, I'm starving Marvin. What are we going to have tonight? We're going to have meats.

Yeah, steak. I like that. I like that. I like that. I like that. Oh, you know what? I got to read this email. This came in from a mommy.

Hold on. This just made me giggle. This is so, so silly. Okay. First of all, this is amazing. We just got an email as we're doing this show. And the subject, it says double dick dude. We're going to get into that later.

It makes me laugh so hard when people fucking... Okay, this is great. This is from Jacob. He writes 272 Garth's hometown. What's up, mommies? I'm a resident of Yukon, Oklahoma, Garth Brooks hometown. We have signs on our main street, Route 66, that say home of Garth Brooks.

And even here, nobody knows what the fuck is up with him or really even cares. And I like that. We don't praise him. I like that. We don't praise him like some might believe. Keep those genes high and tight. So that's interesting.

This guy from his hometown is like... I like that. I like that. Nobody gives a shit about you, Garth. I like that. That's a stupid card. Such a dummy. You know what?

And I don't think he's really the one doing his Twitter feed because I follow him and it's all like, you need tickets, call this number. I'm sorry. I'll get your tickets. And you're like, you're not really... No, you're not doing that. Gee, you're not doing that, Gee.

Are you? Well, love, Gee. Love, Gee. Yeah, he does. Love, Gee. Yeah. What the fuck? Jeans, please, yourmomshowspodcast.com.

And a big, big shout out to everybody that came in Austin. I need you, SoCalMoms, the 21st. Please come out to my Irvine show. It's a big show for me. And very soon, I'll be in Indy and Louisville, ThompsonGurr.com, with all these tickets. Oh, and then I'll be in Indy a month after Buns. Don't forget.

Oh, yeah. Come to see me in the same club, Morty's Comedy Joint. Morty's Comedy Club or Morty's Joint? I think you're right. Yeah, I'm there February 19th through 21st. So come see Tom and then come back and see me. Bang, bang. Keep it jeansy.

Keep it jeans. Bye, jeans. Love you. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. That's not bad. Not bad at all. Not bad at all. Not bad at all.