Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 276-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 14, 2015

J-J-J-J-Jeans Unit! This is a very special episode. In addition to being packed with content and the introduction of a new, amazing caller, we here at Your Mom's House are very proud to announce that the Main Mommy, Christina Pazsitzky (PaJeanSky) has released a NEW album! Man of the Year is Christina's second album and is now available everywhere. Be sure to get a copy so that her jeans reach higher, tigher levels! Plus the moms get down and talk about Tommy letting Christina do (and say) dumb things. Is it his fault?!? Tina worked out HARD this week. Is cross training fitness not a match for her? Tommy is in LOVE with another crime show. This one is extra murdery and we break it down for you. Plus "Uncle Bill" whom we have been wanting to have on the show for years is finally here. All we can say about that is - you're not ready.  DENIM!

Ladies and gentlemen, please take the few moments we're providing you right now to go ahead and get a pair of jeans on and Pull them up and make sure they're really tight and We'll just give you a few seconds to go ahead and do that. Thank you Special announcement I Like this I'm digging it My jeans are so tight. I had to change them. I was wearing a pair of tight today I just took them off and put my sweatpants on but I don't want you think my jeans are long and loose

They're always high and tight in my mind. Yeah, this is I like this. This is good. It's kind of funky jam I Love it's the name of the group. Thanks for sending this in the song is called pussy machine It's so good a title. Yeah, dude, if that that's the perfect title for this Yeah Spread apart that pussy machine Look for stuff in your pussy machine Mine's fair jeep keys in that pussy machine

Check it out guys Velcro sandwiches Thursday Friday Saturday. I'm in Indianapolis at Morty's put your jeans on come on See me Sunday one special show at the laughing derby in Louisville, Kentucky bitch. So you know what to do Indian Louisville. I'm coming at you I'm very excited to spend time in both places and then next week. I have a very big special show The 21st of January at the Irvine Improv in Orange County, California Not Irvine France not Irvine France the final week of the month. I'm in Kansas City at the Kansas City Improv There's no Sunday show, of course because it's Super Bowl Sunday. So I'm out there Thursday Friday and Saturday

Let's see. I added Jacksonville, Florida one night only in March. I've also added Well, I'm doing West Palm Beach one night only in March and a bunch of other dates Des Moines de moi it got moved rescheduled to the summer. So I will come but it's not going to be till July Bunch of dates Tom cigarette dot Calm Thank you jeans. What about you? Well guys this week? I'm at the Pittsburg. I'm sorry. I The tits Berg

Improv you got to start getting that right. Yeah, I'm sorry guys tits Berg that is a January 15th January 16th January 17th and January 18th I'll be telling jokes in tits Berg and then if you're in Manfred disco come see me at sketch fest on The 30th and the 31st. I will be performing at the punchline in Manfred disco I will be doing like an hour on both of those nights and then in Feb Feb February the R. Do you always say February? It's February. It's February, but I don't normally nobody says it that way February February guys spend

Valentine's Day with your mom's you hate the holiday Valentine's Day most of us do if you're in a Los Angeles area or surrounding come spend it with your mom's We're gonna do it at the ice house in Pasadena by tickets on your mom's house podcast calm Also the following week after that. I will be at Morty's in Indianapolis Exactly a month after the jeans machine is there. I will be there February 19th February 20th February 21st. So come holler at me. Look at all my dates. I've changed my website It is now called thousand ranch.com. That's thousand ranch my two favorite salad dressings together Well Christina comedy was so dumb and I can't believe you let me have that It's so open Micah. It's like Christina is funny. It's so bad, bro. All right. Well, what's the way it goes guys?

Go to my website. You might see something special there right now. We're gonna talk about it after the break here By the way, I jumped over Omaha. I'm going to Omaha Mama, huh? Yeah, I think it's oh mama. Oh mama Nebraska Tom Osborne will be at every show. So make sure you come see me there and Yeah, who's that come on and then My Lafayette Louisiana show sold out, but they're gonna release tickets at the door So if you're listening and you're there, you can still get them at the door But Hattiesburg, Mississippi on the 27th of February

Yeah, so has some tickets hub city. Oh Hattiesburg. That's the 27th Looks like my Jacksonville shit's not up, but I'll get it. Yeah, I'll put it up on the board All right, I think that's that right jeans. I think so guys. That's it Please use our Amazon banner and we appreciate everybody that has so far Just go to your mom's house podcast calm click on our banner to do your mom's on shopping and it really helps us Thank you to everybody that's done it already. It's it's meant the world to us. Seriously. Yeah, absolutely So slaw so slaw Jeans we have a huge

Announcement to make I'm gonna open the show and then we have a major announcement Is it bag of chips good or is it? Oh, this is this is a calling for every horn horns chip Yeah, everything that we basically have in the system is going to come out. Okay, so ladies and gentlemen hold on to your jeans and Yeah, just Get ready pull them up. Hi. Here we go Everybody Why is monster truck racing such a good time?

Bad honey, I have a man who has five kids Together you have five kids. Well, I don't Love me man together do Anything else I dad truck and his dad truck is a monster truck at home Your guys must truck at home. Oh, yes, right here in Georgia. We muster truck it up and Okay, yeah Who is Randy don't bring anyone loving to this Welcome to your mom's house

with Tom Segura Christina the jits That's the East Street Look at me. I'm dancing Tiny hands God, I hate the East Street fans How much do you hate the East Street? I just I can't I can't even express it I was what I watched that them getting inducted into the rock and roll game on HBO and I wanted it to be

I mean, I really wish it would have been Satan opening the door as a hell I'm like, this is your induction here because I Can't I mean I can't stand them. I absolutely can't I think what the worst is is listening to bands quote jam Yeah, it's just my least favorite these Jamathons like you're like bro. Don't you just like the instruments? No, let me a fucking song melodies, bro Yeah, I don't want to hear you in your in your pony tailed 50 year old dad boner friend. There's such dad boners. They're so fucking old and they're like I believe I'm from the if you like me and your religion is rock and roll You know, we get we just keep getting better. We keep rocking out

No, you don't actually you know, you don't you get lame and like the yeah those really like Self-indulgent a guitar riffs that only people I'm assuming only musicians are really into I don't like hearing people I guess I mean crap, you know, it's not my favorite genre of music But then like you love white people music and not like that. I don't see you flipping out for it So I'm wondering who's like I gotta have it. I gotta have you And it's it's always a it's a jam right they jam out with their solo and then there's a there's nodding Oh, and then a wink a smile and then they lose themselves in the solo and then back to the nodding and Looking at somebody and then somebody goes like and everybody that right there. That's that's Kevin Lamont

Right. I'm here and he's like yeah, Kevin. Yeah, and now Ray Ray It's and then now it is a little piano thing Tony and then in the harmonica has to come out and that's when I want to fucking kill somebody Oh, what about the tambourine they gave the tambourine a fucking solo Look at her. Look at her shake that tambourine. They're like everybody loves us. I go. I don't fucking know anybody does No, I've never not not once in my life. Have I heard anybody go? You know who my favorite band is the e-street band. I've never gotten a car with somebody who's like Hey, you want to hear some e-street?

Never ever no one's ever put that I get in the car with all types of people and they have different types of music No one's ever like slowly street. What do you want to you want to get a jam out? This is my this is my way and I'm not saying that doesn't exist. It's just in my life personally I think the only weird thing that's ever happened is Jeff Tate is like I love Tom Petty in the heartbreak Yeah, his his affection for them is like it's clinical like he should see some and he's like the only person I know that's ever said Tom Petty in the heartbreakers is my jam and that and and I'm sure there's tons obviously he's a huge act But it just never in my life until people like that too. They love that like, you know when you see this show like They'll just do like an extra 15 minute version of that. Please don't like oh man, please don't you know what?

I'll be there's a parking lot. I'll be over there Yeah, if you want to meet me after this yeah when they do their 15 minute version of this song blow my brains out You know what? I really hate when I go see a band that I love and then yeah, they do a different We're gonna like like I want to hear yeah We're gonna do the exact opposite of what you want to hear like I was watching Jennifer Lopez on HBO tour And she was like, you know that song I like don't be fooled by the rocks that I got well I'm gonna slow it down and acoustically sing that why yeah, why would you do that? That's the only song anybody wants to fucking hear

Yeah, and now you're gonna ruin that for me. I'm just Jenny from the block She's the worst by the way I watched her tour not the worst I shouldn't say that she's not the worst She's definitely not the best. She did. Yeah, she's not not the worst. She's done a lot with what little talent Which is actually which is amazing. Yeah, amazing when you like why you're you're marginally talented You've done a lot with what you with marginal Yeah, cuz you watch someone like Beyonce and you're like wow that where did that come from that was amazing Yeah, she's real talent and you watch a JLo and you're like I know JLo so much bro. I'm a actress and she's not a great actress not fantastic at that. No

I think actually her probably her best skills probably dancing or suck-pigging. She's a strong suck-pig excuse me That's what you were insinuating with the lawn the come dog. I wasn't trying to say my reward I didn't try to do that. Well, it's yeah, I tell you she nailed that P. Diddy at the right time That was the smartest move she ever made was P. Diddy come dogging on P. Diddy Yeah, and then she came dog on Ben Affleck, right? Yeah, Ben Affleck and her were really something for a while Smart girl smart girl smart broad. Well, how did we miss by the way? Did we even talk about it? We saw a gong girl that his fucking sweet fucking dick Makes an appearance in the film and we talked about pepperoni tits for 15. I know I forgot it

I saw it and then I was like, yeah, that's delicious delight Graces itself across. I mean it really it's It's a deliberate showing of it, too Yeah, he enters the shower and does a full spin And you see this hoagie just kind of is a total Cosby hoagie. Oh man, and it's full I think he fluffed a little before the shot. Do you think it's really his or it's a prosthetic? No, it the camera then move. I think it's his 100% is done But I mean, I mean he's could be one of those guys that just got nice weight all the time

But I think that I think that he probably was like, are we doing that shot right now? Just give me a minute. I know that move to it where it's like I'm not trying to get a boner, but I want it to grow a little bit. You know, of course You're in camera. Then again the camera adds 10 pounds Good. I never thought of that. So It looks that's the printer. I almost had a heart attack. I thought it was FIFO and it's printing right now It's pretty now. I said yeah 20 minutes ago Did you switch ink? Did you put ink in it? No, I'm afraid of putting that in there because it looks like

Like my old uncle's don't be afraid ink job. Don't be afraid. It doesn't it's counterfeit. It's not real Didn't come in the right way ready for this announcement. I'm sorry. Yes. Are you want to talk about Ben Affleck stick for a little while? No, I mean always, but let's let's make the announcement give back Yeah Go see go on girl Go on girl and pepperoni tits And a nice cannoli swings right across you know what we need to start doing is reviewing movies based solely on

Syndics. Yeah, like first of all our Harry Potter review of her hangers. What's her name? Oh, Lady Grantham's Lady Grantham has the lowest swingers I you know, they re-wrote they did the high def release of the wire the re-release of it over the holidays Yeah, and I had never seen the episode where Omar gets up with his dicks all flapping around. Really? Yeah Yeah, huh. I'm gonna have to get into that show just for the fix. There's like 50 episodes, but that one's really special I think you'll really like it. Is that why I got so many awards. Yeah, it was all about Omar's dick This the it's called Omar's dick that episode you can find it easily Interesting are you ready? I'm ready play the chips play the sirens

I That's how you know, it's really exciting when the horn is big news man. This is for real. Did you want to play a taste of it? Are we oh, yeah? Here we go Here you go Mm-hmm Your guys a monster truck at home. Oh, yes, right here in Georgia. We monster truck it up And how does that how he got you he showed you his monster truck? Oh, no, I got him

I said I'll do you right here from everybody. Well, how'd you hook up your man the first time? Well funny story. We did it cousins Right with Kenny Georgia. You did it each other's cousins. Yes. We did each other's cousins And there it is the first there it is track off of Man of the year It's finally here. It's finally here man of the year everybody There might be some confusion man of the year is the very brand new release Of your comedy. Yes. Yeah, it's my second album. This is it finally. It took so long

I'm very proud of you. Thank you, James. You worked really hard on this You recorded this at the ice house in Pasadena in Pasadena, California with just mommies By the way, I did it because you know what happened is I actually had to record it I record it once before at the DC improv Remember and it just wasn't right the audio wasn't right and the it wasn't right So I read did it trust your feelings. Yeah It was like it just wasn't the right energy on it and I was like, you know what I need a room full of mommies people who get it and I put out a call to you guys August 9th at the ice house

And I recorded it there and it was a room full of super supportive mommies and it's it was it was the best experience ever So it's really a truly attribute to you guys to the fans of your mom's house and to everybody that's supported us So thank you guys and I hope you enjoy it. It's for download right now. It's on iTunes and for those of you who hate iTunes It's on CD baby right now and the links are up on Thousand ranch comm and your mom's house podcast comm so Thanks guys and and download it and give me five star reviews only because my ego can't handle anything less than five star Please if it's four and a half. I will be very upset. Well, look, I just want to say, you know, I've I've watched you Work so hard as a comedian and as your as your partner. I'll tell you it's

I've seen you put so much into this that it's very it's inspiring to work hard not just on the comedy itself, but on like putting this like as a project making the whole thing happen I saw you go through every step from Promoting that date to touring to honing your material to getting it recorded to working on it in post to getting the artwork ready I'm very just I'm happy that we're here I'm very proud of you and jeans if you're out there. Let's take jeans mommy Kristina jeans it ski Let's take her to the top. So please

Please get man of the year. It's on iTunes. Let's blow this thing out of the water I'm to asking you from my jeans to yours add man of the year to your collection Get it on iTunes get it on CD. Baby. I'm sure it will shortly be up on Amazon mp3s as well But it's hilarious and she deserves to have you get this thing So please support and get Kristina's new album. Okay, thanks jeans You know, I learned how to do stuff for watching it. You know that right like you teach me everything about being normal Like my parents didn't teach me shit about life Like I basically learned how to live like an adult through you. Isn't that crazy? No, come on

No, you taught me how to like, you know be like a normal functioning adult like I nobody taught me that crap Well, I mean you did all this on your own. I didn't know I did I've been watching you for years That's it. You really like I only do stuff because I have good people around me I know the only reason I went to college is because my best friend Shawna did and I was like I'll just go where she goes Then I picked you and I'm like, I'll just do a tom does I guess you put out albums I swear I got I would never do it if it worked for you. Really? Yeah, I don't know how to do shit You think I know how to do stuff. Hmm. I'm a dope when it comes to this kind of I don't know

I don't think you're doing philosophy. I'm a dope. Well, I love you and I love Yeah, I was good. It was it's hard. It's a hard thing to put an album together It is it's very stressful and I have a lot of worse because I've been through it and you know, you remember when we went to We went to the edit suite Oh my god, I remember that day how miserable I was. Yeah, it's the worst to watch yourself We had to watch yourself that was like I was like gonna ask them to shut down You're gonna give you the money back and then you guys just don't release this like that's how bad it is Well, because you and I are our own worst critics

I think that we you know You and I not the types who listen to our own stand up and like smile and back slap. It's just not yeah It's not in our way, bro, but whatever. It's good. It's out. I'm proud of it I'm very happy with it now and it took doing in front of a room full of moms That was really that's the the the clincher. It was it's doing in front of people who fucking get it man So there you go big announcement guys. That's a huge announcement I'm proud of you jeans. Thanks, mommy So yeah, just to correct

The people who made this clip I played is not from Man of the Year. I thought it was okay, right? That's not you just making yeah, no, that's you didn't sleep with my cousin. I didn't sleep with yours. We know That'd be weird if we had both like I slept with your cousin I know it's so weird and you'd slept with mine, which cousin would you sleep with Julia or shawty? Yeah, Jesus That sucks that you only have two to pick from they're both girls in my family I can give you like 50 people. Oh, I know who I'd bang already. Really? I got him who locked and loaded who just can I've only met like I think you know you I've only met like one of your male. Most of them are female No, my dad's side on rock-biter. He's got three and you've met two of three

I think and then yeah, obviously, there's bri bri and then there's all there's all those Spanish ones Oh, I those yeah, I forgot about that. I like those Latin ones. I'll take one of your Latin ones Actually, I think I know which one you haven't met him yet. I think I think you might still bang them when we get down there Yeah, do I have permission is this like? Oh, yeah, I don't care different area codes. Yeah, it's like the road like every week on the road That would be weird if we were banging each other's cousins at the same time. I mean, I mean, that's what this lady How does that happen? He gets clarification like he's like what and then she's like She's a drunk that like no, she's not surely she's she's lucid this is beer and this is like bad decision This is still walking around

fun time, but it's I Think this is like when you're when you started early. Yeah, and it's been just kind of pouring down. There's no food in her stomach It's just all booze. Yeah, and she's having a good time. This is monster truck rally What how'd you hook up your man the first time? Well, funny story. We did it cousins. Well, you're right. We can't eat Georgia. You dated each other's cousins. Yes We did each other's cousins. I thought he's a cutie pie Obviously we were in delusional, you know, everyone has their moment in love

No, we weren't We didn't know so then we got like and He walks by and she's like I'm on TV right now. I'm telling her my story You know if if there is anything wrong with America, this is where you start like this is everything This is this is ground zero of everything and then the history pen and then these She's I'm on TV right now. I can't attend my story. I think you can take it another step But maybe because this is a monster truck thing Maybe it's not just that's her

That's monster truck rallies. I know here's the thing. I want to judge her on that because it's real dopey But I like that stuff. I'm sorry. It's kind of like fun. You like monster trucks. I never I've never been to a rally Yeah, but I get it. I'm like, oh, yeah Stuff's crushing stuff. Yeah, it's like stupid boy stuff, right? Yeah, totally. And it's where the end of people get hammered Yeah, like it's stupid. They even have this in California monster truck rally. I'm sure yeah bakersfield. Yeah, yeah for sure San Luis Obispo. You mean to tell me there's no fucking There's why I tried. Yeah, Riverside. Oh, is it where are you not if you ever been one of these? No Yeah, me neither, but I'm not totally opposed, you know, no maybe for anniversary

You want to do this for an anniversary? We banged each other But not each other. We banged each other How did you finally know you love this man banged each other's other, okay? Oh, I thought I said bathed no banged Because he's just like me He says I do and I love his butt And we we want CMT Wow, that's something special right there, you know what what did she say she likes his butt I

Love his she's I love his but she meant like I love this guy You know, oh, I was gonna say that really is what it boils down to in a marriage is like I love your ass Physical ass. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you love like something physical on that person and then like one nice attribute boom That's that's marriage. What is it on me? You? Yeah, I don't see about that. Can't be my ass. It's horrific. I Like that. I don't see my ass often because every time I do I get really depressed It's wonderful. No, it's not. It's like dog shit. It looks like molded up shoot-up dog shit. I I

Love your chest and I love your chest fur. Yeah, it's so manly. I just love your chest No, like your chest. Well, I know I like your chesticles a chesticle of my slobbers. Yeah Yep, the meat hangers. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you're gonna cut your hair real short, right real short. How soon I'm doing the mom cut I want it like like half an inch long. No, no, here's what I want remember Johnny Kate plus eight Yeah, that was sexy. Yeah, like super kind of higher in the back and then it comes down real angular like that I'd like that too. Well, you know speaking of cousins this lady. They day-to-day cousins Yeah, this is probably not a guy who goes to the monster truck thing, but he has some cousin info is as well they have some

background music that kind of You know jumps over what he's saying, but I think you can still hear what he's saying Brother and sister shit. No, I'm fucking the shit out of come to find out. She my cousin Yeah, but I ain't about to stop fucking with a shit to push the good we click shit I ain't grow up with you. No, you're my people. I don't get tired man Y'all won't stay on my motherfucking business So you mean to tell me you've been fucking with somebody for three months You hear me everything beautiful your grandmother come to you one day, you know that she cuz y'all don't got the hard part out the way

Why fuck up a good thing? You get it. I I'm I'm I'm I need you to translate Well, he's just saying that he found out that he's been fucking his cousin sure got that he didn't know Yeah, and he was like, you know if the pussy's good, right and you get along then like why why ruin a good thing just because Yeah, I get it and he's saying like I didn't grow up like knowing that you were my cousin. He just basically Found out after like he met a girl like you would just meet somebody else and then after you guys are hooking up So I was like, oh, that's your cousin. You're like, so I've already been doing it. Yeah She likes this doesn't he have a point in the way. Yeah, and also, okay

Historically, did you know that royalty used to marry and the cousins? I know I know a few people who's who are the Children of married cousins, you know, you know them. Yeah in your family. No, not in my family, but I've had some cousin fucking Really in my family. Absolutely. You know my cousin Chaba The weird one. Yeah, the one that rides his bicycle around Budapest looking for aliens his parents There's rumors Rumors, it's not confirmed yet Well Look how he turned out. What do you think? Yeah? Well, yeah, this I know somebody who should be a little more like Chaba

But it's not normal functioning and no genetic effects. Well, they say that you can have you can make a child with your cousin I think genetically that's not now brother and sister is a no-no Really? Yeah, but Cousins aren't that genetically tight. I think you can it's really but I think actually the point that he made is I'm sorry I'm I'm straying from the argument. Yeah I think the good point though is that like obviously if you grow up with a cousin A cousin is like a sibling. Yeah, but if you've never met and you meet somebody you didn't know

I mean, you know big deal pussy's pussy, right? Well, he said the pussy's good, right? I mean, I don't know if you paid attention I'm fucking the shit I'll kind of find out she my cousin But I ain't about to stop fucking with a shit the pussy good we click shit I ain't grow up with you. No, you're my people. I don't get that Yeah, well, I know I know why you guys so uptight about this pussy's good. We've been fucking and stuff You understand or no, no, I get it. I do get it. I understand. I mean, do you feel the same way he does? Yeah, I mean, I'm saying if the pussy's good and I can we click. Yeah, that that to me is

Right, you said you had your version of what a marriage is. That's my version. Oh, right, right, right, right I think that's most you know, the pussy's good and we click. That's it. That's all you need to check it off on What else is there? Similar goals. All right, I think they have similar goals fucking and clicking fucking and clicking Yeah Who said this this is unbelievable, who is this person? He's a professor of Doesn't say

Oh, is it MIT? You said professor of I'm saying he's a pusicologist. He's a pussy college pussy. I like this. I'm put this is pussy machine pussy machine Hey pussy machine I don't know. He's some guy who uploaded the video, but yeah, well it does make thank you for sharing I mean, don't get all competitive on me. Oh, you're gonna You're gonna do that How you go how you go throw that up here on a on a Tuesday on a on a Tuesday

You want to talk some shit? Yes, I do Not Thursday not a frat not a friday You're gonna bring that up. How dare you bring that up on this podcast. Well, what happened exactly you want to go I'll tell you what happened. We were dining at CPK fine establishment and I forget what we were talking about and I dropped some knowledge and I was like I mean, it's just they're very combative and you're like, I'm sorry. What I go combative and you're like, that's not the word You go it's combative You were like

And you go wait, wait, wait, what do you mean? I was all I was a lot. What it's not combative No I could tell you were like you had a little you kind of hit this what you hit the sweats, right? I'm so mortified. I pulled it up and I showed you on my phone Oh my you go you've been letting me say it wrong for 38 like I'm I've been around you every time you've spoken dude You totally first of all, you've let me say combative. I've only ten years No, I've only I've I've only heard you say it like twice. You're the worst the last time I heard you say it I wasn't even sure I was like she didn't she's not fucking retarded

I wasn't sure but yeah, you said it Well, look, I'm not proud of it. You know, I'm saying mm-hmm. You know, I'm saying if I'm not talking about it's it's Mortifying here's why I think it happened is that my mother said it that way And so I grew up hearing a fucking foreigner talk. There's some words that I did not like I didn't know We both have a foreign parent. Yeah, I've won you have to but yeah, yeah, I fucked up shit two foreigners She didn't speak English probably so I think I learned how to say it through her and then and then also You know retarded and then But I do feel like you've over the years

Like you let me embarrass myself. What the fuck is that? It's so dumb What are you talking about bro? I've made so many bad decisions Why are you blaming me cuz you're supposed to look out for me You're trying to say I don't look out for you not that's a very offensive thing to me not enough Here's the thing. Do I let you out of the house with nose hair coming out of your nose all the time? Nope Ear hair nose hair neck hair all the time. I don't yes, and then I catch it and you go. Well, look at your face. I Always make sure that you don't have chest flakes Beard flakes on your shirt and I let you like you let me look like an asshole when I look like a fucking tool bag

I was I got on a plane last time with you. I was playing listen to me I was wearing my LA gangbanger hoodie and then like those hip-hoppy pants and then ridiculous high tops I look like a 12-year-old though. I look like crisscross and you let me out of the house It's for flying. You let me have Christina dress like assholes on a fight Christina comedy is not my Babe, you know how amateur hour that is for a comp for comedians URL my Facebook profile is comedian Tom Segura And so are like a thousand open micers you never stopped that for from happening because I didn't see it I didn't ever please I done never see it if I see it. I would have stopped it it

Please you let me in 2008 you fucking let me tour You let me tour with a headliner who shall remain nameless You let me fucking wear a white dress on stage. Yeah, and like wear a white dress You let me do that. Well, I thought you were going through your process, you know Like you have to go through state everybody goes through their stages. I just figured this was like your kind of Beginner retarded stage, you know, like this was like your business card stage. You're the worst. Oh my god Did you ever have a comedy? I bought you business cards? I Made them for the worst think I gave out four so that either like sitting on I get asked to this day for business cards

People are like you got a card and like no, but if you don't know Comedians like like bill Burr. Yeah doesn't have a card, right? You don't go you got a card on you Yeah, where he goes like hands-on he says come eat. Yeah, we don't because we're not it's not like sales people or something I know and you know who does do it amateurs new people Yeah, you do it when you're new when you're newer comic knew you do that knew you put like Here was my thinking by the way. I get made fun of so much for it Like I see people post They're like if you have comedian in your Facebook name

Then you're definitely not one of my Jesus Christ and so finally I respond to somebody saying that and they're like well No, you're all right. Like you did it, but it like you were actually working as a comedian But we want to know my honest thinking was was like there's so many people that have you know Even with Tom Segura like not thousands, but there's there's more than one It's a common enough name right where I thought you know what I'll do is for people that are looking for the Comedian I'll put that in the title so that if they want to find me they would find the fan page this way I do that and then I look like a fucking nerd. You can't change that. I don't think you can I think we will look out. I think it's permanent. No, it's I've changed my Facebook name really

Yeah, when we got married, but what was it a fan page? No, it was it was a normal person. Yeah, I think a fan public figure. I don't know. I don't know if you can change them It's a fucking it's so lame It's nerd city and I chose Christina comedy back in the day because my last name was so So hard for people to remember so I was like, oh well Christina comedy. They'll know that but it's just so lame, bro There's so many things and so now I have to constantly double-check with you like hey, is this lame? Am I gonna embarrass myself? Two years from now ten years from now. Yeah, but what sucks is that you blame me. It's your fault

You're supposed to my fucking suppose look out for me, man I am looking out here's why because you're the one of us that has a lick of sense. You're the you're the smart one Unfortunately, you just told me that like you've you've followed good examples a month. You're a good example And now you're blaming me because you're supposed to look out for me because you're the good example And you need to keep an eye on dumb dumb here because I I don't do stuff, right? You got it. You got to take me under your wing. Well, bro stuff, right? Now thousand ranch is your new website and is that cool enough? It's funny. I love it. You mean it, of course But why not Christina comedy?

I Christina comedy My favorite is Christina is funny like if anybody puts is funny in their comedy Anything there. It's not good like bill Burr doesn't go bill Burr is funny or Bill Cosby. Oh, no bad example I have to bring him up because you love Theo and Rudy like David tell his his URL isn't David tell is funny should be No, it absolutely should be Well, anyway, I I think you need to look out for me more as you're more I cannot fucking believe as your retarded wife doesn't know how to do stuff, right? Yeah, that's true

I also want to thank you for Working me out the other day. That was so awesome So our friend Eric Lundy Apparently has been hitting the the gym lost like a thousand pounds. I didn't know a three thousand pounds 150 he didn't wait. Is he down to 150? Nobody's like he doesn't weigh much more than me now Jesus, I know Worker compared to wonder pants. He was always just kind of you know, doughy and soft

Me never thought of him as like yeah, but I mean I never thought of him as like, you know, somebody that ever walked into a gym Anyways, we had talked about that we were working out. So he sent me this workout Where it builds. I think it's like six weeks and you do, you know there's a week one workout a Portion a workout B portion and it's basically It's a come it's you know, it's kind of cross training where it's It's weights

There's some core stuff, but it's high intensity the idea is you take a break after you run through All five of these sets then you run through them again Then you move on to part B you run through them again and over the six weeks it gets increasingly difficult, you know, so yeah Jesus like I'm looking at what happens in week four You do the same workout you were doing, but then you're you add jump rope after every single set. Yeah, it looks pretty intense my god

Well, you had me doing like anyways, so we're in the week one portion of it and just to give you an idea So funny I bring Christina, I go I've only done this like once but here we're gonna. This is what we're gonna do. Oh my god Hank Hank Leans pull ups hip pull through dips Cable crunch then deadlift pull down glute ham raise standing dumbbell overhead press cable crunch I modified some of this because there was no way I was gonna get you to do a hand clean I don't even know what that is Right, so I was like no, but anyways, we start doing this and what happened. I hate it

Fucking hate it. Well, here's one of my favorite things about training with you I hate it is you're like you talk all excited to go and we get there and you go this doesn't feel good Like I don't know think about this if you're out there listening think about that for a second I think about what I just told you like deadlift Horrible standing cable pull down terrible Dumbbell overhead press and then think of think of the line. This doesn't feel good And I had to keep telling her it didn't feel good. I know that it's not a massage like it's not supposed to feel good

I don't like it. I'll tell you why it was like boy exercise You were like, here's a here's a weight. That's like 500 pounds What's that thing called? Do you want to mean to squat and then lift a heavy barbell? What is that thing like a Popeye? Wait, which one the first thing you had me do when you had me I had to do squat And you go no like this keep your back straight Yeah, and then I had to do squat and lift up and you you want to give me you know What's that shit called man the barbell? Yeah, but the the bar alone was way too heavy for my chicken arms I don't exercise jeans. Yeah, and so I was like, oh, I can't even this is gonna throw my back out

Like I can't and then you kept yelling at me. I wasn't yelling you like I didn't yell Don't make it sound like you're like come on Okay, and I was like first of all, this is not exercise I'm used to This is this is how boys exercise is not like like I'm used to girl things of like cardio bar or like You know treadmills and stuff and machines Mm-hmm. It just felt like like dude stuff, you know dude stuff. Yeah, and there's another lady in there But she's barely a lady if you know what I'm saying She looked a little

When it matters You need to go home look in the mirror and think about Facebook so you can't be smart You motherfuckers joke around about being more smarter And you are the stupidest group of motherfuckers I have ever seen just my mom. Who is this? Hmm? Yeah Those real inspirational I'm trying to motivate if I if I had heard that I would start crying you would right listen I never proclaimed to be an athlete and I wasn't trying to I wasn't really trying to know you I preach and I appreciate

You're ever I really appreciated it, but that that style of fitness jeans is just listen I'm not that butch. I am make yourself useful. You stupid dumb fucking cock sucking motherfucker I'm sorry. What I'm trying to motivate all you're motivating me for fitness No, I don't respond that Here's the thing is that you are like you're not even doing it. You're not even drawing you yell at me like that Remember mm-hmm. I haven't been able to walk For three days I haven't been able to sit down on the toilet and pee without

Screaming out in pain because you tore up all my thigh muscles are torn up. I can't walk normal So I did I did effort jeans It just didn't look like it because I don't do good. I don't do fitness good. You know I'm saying yeah, I know I don't do fitness very well. I Understand jeans. I gotta do like girl shit like Zumba or You know bar cardio bar. Hey, at least you gave it a shot. The best part was that you Physically in the days afterwards Yeah, I finally got to see you experience like real

Soreness Pain is what you're saying. You guys are watching me in pain. You're like hers to sit down It hurts to stand up It hurts to say to go pee like you cuz you did squats you did actual squats It was great and you liked that part that I was in a lot of pain. It was funny. It was your favorite funny I mean, it wasn't you know, I was just doing regular shit. You know, you were like My bad. I don't how do I get up and I was just like Yeah, you were like that you go, you're not even sweating I go, but I don't sweat

You know what I want to do is that Swimming pool exercise where you see those old ladies at the gym see but what that's what I was trying to say was that like Try something totally different what you did and let's just go fucking Let's go balls deep in this. I know I think I'm at the age where I hate totally different No, I'm not into trying things or doing stuff. You know. Yeah. Well, you think about it You're at your that if you're at that age, then you kind of got to think that Last rendezvous you've been hitting the murder shows Quite a lot you found your new show came back that you loved

Most evil look at your face. Look at your face. I fucking love most evil. That's my favorite show That is my favorite show It's done with a different guy. I got to say I like the original Doctor Dr. Michael Stone is the one who originally Hosted it. I don't know if he's even alive still because he seemed like he was pretty old He's kind of a droopy dog when the show first started airing but

It's back and what they do is They profile Really bad people. I mean, you know basically all murderers, but they're murderers on Different scales like these guys they've created this scale called The Eve like the evil scale so you can talk about you break down how evil somebody is the scale runs from 1 to 22 and

22 is the is what they call the most evil and 22 means you are a psychopathic torture murderer and so the torture murder is somebody that derives a lot of pleasure from Prolonged torture and suffering that they are putting on somebody else So the psychologists deem those people the most evil, you know a one or two is probably like an impulse kill You know like you walk in and you know Someone's banging your wife and you shoot the guy. That's that's a little different than tying somebody up premeditation Yeah, what number is it if you have a heart on while watching most evil? Well, let's ask I

Knew I was violent and I was capable of hurting people But that I want to act out on that fantasy No, because I was scared to get locked up So the fantasy of hurting people what age did that begin? I don't know when my mom kicked me out when I was 16 that I said I got to defend for myself I saw I'm not gonna let nobody get on my way so far one of the things we Were able to break down from watching this show is that absolutely everybody? Who because they interview a lot of killers and and even on the ones they don't interview

They seem to have a lot of background knowledge on they all have horrific Childhoods at some point kicked out abandoned left for dead Abused physically verbally sexually like these guys people people basically from what you know we could tell Don't act out in these monstrous ways when They're brought you know great. Yeah, if you're raised loving household The way Steve Jobs was you're not gonna end up most likely see jobs. He had a pretty good life He did well, I saw the movie about him didn't you but he had some parental thing, right?

I'm not sure and now I think they got along he he later was a bad parent to his child Oh, he didn't acknowledge one of his children, but no They're they let him move back and start his business out of the bay like they're a supportive like nice American But I'm saying that also what I find interesting that the common denominator was dad was cheating on mom and With other women and I wanted to get back at dad for ruining stuff at home for cheating on mom For the killers. Yeah, a lot of the men had fathers that cheated on mom. They wanted to get back at dad for Interesting Yeah, I'll do whatever it takes. Yeah, do whatever it takes to survive

You know like I said, I had to become a man on early age How old were you when you had your first fight? 9 10 11 somewhere around there This kid hit me with a stick on my back. I mean my brother jumped on him. I grew up. We just grew up fighting I don't know how many fights you think you had since since you can remember 10 20 50 100 no 20 25 How many with a weapon I Wouldn't I was a kid a lot of it? I'm gonna broke my best friend's hand with a bat

Oh, I love using a bat when I was a kid. I used to love to play baseball Get it I love he smashed his friend's hand with a bat broke my friend's hand with a bat It's a red flag. That's a flag, right? That's a frat flag to your friendship. Yeah, it's a flag But this I mean this show I just I wish they had like two and three hour versions of this show Yeah, it's neat. Um, especially I think you I can't believe you don't think you love wife killers a lot too I noticed you know you watch these episodes with me. I know but I'm terrified the whole time I don't I don't think they make this show for me. I mean this show is a television show People obviously are interested by it as well other people. Yeah, I know I know but but most people don't watch it with a big

smile on their face and their genitals in their hands I Got an email. I'd like you to address. Are you ready? Sure Okay, this guy writes in hey mommies I heard on a recent show your advice about not ignoring early warning signs when meeting new people slash dating Which I really think is great advice I recently met a girl who was attractive cool to talk to and then during our conversation She mentioned that one of her favorite books is helter skelter

Which I've heard others recommend as well and that she has a quote fascination with Charles Manson Yeah, for me I felt that was a warning sign right there and I have probably been overthinking it way too much over the past couple of days trying Not to falsely project on a person I just met but also to not ignore a potential warning sign For example, I'm pretty sure I've heard Duncan Tressel talk about Manson and it didn't seem off-putting But someone's saying that they have a fascination with him seemed a little off any thoughts Thanks, Mom Segura and Christina Pajinsky great show. Hmm. Yeah, I mean first of all, I think it's uh I think it's a warning sign that somebody's awesome. I think she's cool and I think that you know

reading a little helter skelter a little mine comp and That's but that Yeah, my account for light bedtime reading and then if you want to chuckle maybe the diary of van Frank I think it says, you know, I'm well-rounded like it's party. It's fun. I think it says I like to do a lot of different things and You know, maybe maybe for fun you look at some John Wayne Gacy paintings together Oh, that's neat. How many do you do you want to own are we gonna invest in those? I'm pretty sure we can't afford them, right, but I'm saying are we saving? Yeah, we're saving obviously save all time. Yeah, yeah Huh, I think just the girl saying

That she's really, you know, you could be interested in it like because it is historical like he is a historical figure Yeah, so and being like interested in crime stories Not not an alarming red flag if she's just like I think he's so cool and like wrote him a letter Yeah, she's if she's written to him. She has pictures of him up that to me is more like, you know, maybe We're not a great match Because like, you know, he's but that's more like I'm gonna bang the shed this girl and the bedumper Oh, and then you gotta get it in but you gotta move to another city when you dump her because she's cray-cray It's kind of crazy. I would still get it in there, but then I would you know, maybe

Just have it not work out like don't put your best effort into it like just kind of try to try to kind of not quick and get out But I think it can be it's to what degree like some people are obsessed with a Book, you know a story a movie and they and it can be over a range of topics that on the surface you go That's a little thing, but they're just upset with obsessed with that Storytelling device like that the way that something is written or portrayed But that to me is not as alarming as if she's like he is somebody. I'm just completely Fascinated by that to me is more alarming. Yeah, you know, she had a bunch of pictures of him in her house Yeah, I love him and I also think I mean I liked Helter Skelter as a teenager. I was goth

I read that book. I've been to the Charles Manson murder house for a lunch one day So Horrific what the guy that the guy that created full house on it It's the craziest house and you know, I like all that stuff too, but like what stuff a Serial killery man. I love what do you mean? You're calling me out on this. I like cult things more Like I watched um, so weird. You're such a source family Deceptive sociopath you you just criticized me and then it's almost like do you even hear yourself? I didn't criticize. Yeah, but you're like you love this and then you're like, I like serial killers

No, no, no, I don't I say I take the back I don't like serial killers so much as I enjoy cult things like the source family on Netflix was interesting What's the source family these hippies this guy on Sunset Blvd Who started a cult and then started having sex with the teenage girls based on a real story? Yeah, it happened source family But do I love serial killers, I know I shouldn't say I'm absolutely fascinated. I love this show most evil I Just love like

Psychological Breakdowns I love I think it's my actually the most intriguing part of therapy to me has been Like having psychological discussions with an expert. Yeah, do you tell her about like your murder fantasies that you have? Or like where the bodies are I try to show her I showed her how funny that scene was on Henry mm-hmm, and she was like Yeah, it's really funny. She laughed really hard you know She did yeah, she was like that's funny the way that the

The guys eyes yeah You thought it was funny when I showed no that is it actually is a funny scene because he's like what the fuck He doesn't have a line of dialogue there, and it doesn't have to be there because his eyes tell the story. It's just really funny So anyways, so and this is one of the things here is it says like so now the way they do the show Most evil they profile three people and then it's like they win a contest They show you who the most evil is at the end of the episode It's like family feud and then Richard Dawson. It's so absurd. Yeah, turn into a game show. So this one That says

It's about manipulators manipulators are somewhere on the scale. I forget a few of those in my family Says they all have an insatiable need to dominate. Here's the clip Evil can take many forms from jealous lovers to serial killers schemers to psychopathic murderers My name is dr. Chris Mahoney for over 20 years. I've worked as a clinical police and forensic psychologist I've analyzed some of the most violent and disturbing criminal minds Tonight, I'm going to examine a specific type of evil

Manipulators they have an insatiable need to dominate others and will stop at nothing to get what they want Taylor Helzer convince people to kill for him in the name of God Taylor was a master manipulator Sylvia why you know why people who got in her way He's a master manipulator. Why because he listened to Dale Carnegie's how to win friends and influence people audible.com audiblepodcast.com slash your mom audiblepodcast.com slash your mom get that free audible download There's a good plug jeans. Yeah, yeah, by the way this speaks to our Our e-mailer

Manson was a master manipulator you got people to kill for yes, just like this guy the cult leaders are always the most fascinating Yeah, and that's that's incredible Manipulation power when you know it's one thing that gets somebody to do something you want them to do when you get them To kill because you said so I mean can you imagine it's a level special power. Yeah, these are heroes, man Evil this was all planned all calculated And dr. Mohandy goes face-to-face with Wayne Henley who lured a string of young boys to their deaths What happened boys? They were murdered. I'm guilty of murder. I'm not arguing my guilt Using a scale that runs from 1 to 22 from impulsive murderers to crazed psychopaths

The killers will be analyzed to discover who is most Love it, man. Wow great show. I'm into it. Also. We had another email. I thought you could address hold on Says you talked about it before I think it's a foreign film where the dude shouts man Jay as he presents someone with a shit in a plate. Yeah, please. Tell me Salo Salo S. A. L. Oh Italian beautiful film

It's actually one of the One of the only films to Have been banned Shit that was banned almost everywhere when it came out. They couldn't get the movie released But it is it is a work of art. It is a absolute fantastic film Anything here the kind of clips that really make you look good when everyone looks at each other On our audio show That's an Italian too

Reso a questo tempio And this is a discussion Ass right now in front of people I like when it he checks their bed pants, and they got a show the guy that that they've shit Funny I What's can you describe what's happening? There's two naked girls laying on the ground

I can't tell if they're dead or not, but there's two people over them It's a wide shot Unfortunately This I mean now everybody's naked. Oh and this guy's caressing Dudes young dudes and kissing their necks and their mouths In front of a whole group of people. He's wearing a suit You know, it's nice to the last podcast a lot of people complimented us on the child rape segment

You know, that was actually that's not a clip. I meant to party. I was looking for one of the funnier parts of that film sure Oh always feeding them dog treats right now All the young people are He's making them bark and they have dog leashes on And they're eating the treats off the ground This movie is fantastic man. Manja. There we go. Okay, and they're all naked Okay

Oh, shit. Yeah Shit Is this the scene? This might be the scene. I can't remember where he He shits on the ground And then he makes the girl eat it. I remember you remember that scene. Yeah, I do and he puts the shit on a plate And he gives her like a fork and he makes him and he tells that girl that he killed her mother Okay, he tells her that he drown. I think he held her under water or something

Any other clips so we could play on the show we got the farting clips maybe or I thought we were looking for comedy about an english guy cursing Anyways, that is a great great movie Oh It's a horse. Oh, that's a horse fart. Yeah, it's a they call the woman the The fart whisperer. She's a horse fart whisperer And basically when gas is stuck in a horse, she gets a call and She teaches them how to lay on the ground and get their farts out

Isn't that awesome? This is your job. Well, I hate horses. So I know I hate them so much. I bet shawnee loves this video They lay on their back so good they roll on the yeah, they roll on their side and on their back They go all down all the way to the ground Lay on their side and then they roll onto their back Oh That's so she makes it sound like it's one of our sexual videos. Yeah, it's one of the sexy ones. Yeah So good

Oh I like those farts. Now. What's the one you sent me Japanese girl farts. Okay. Look at that one. It's fun It's like it's like 13 minutes of Japanese girl farts. That's a lot It's got a lot of views a lot of views They don't eat a lot of dairy in their diet. There's no dairy Japanese So I don't know where these farts are coming from Maybe some tempura rolls, huh? That's a girl

It is a little Japanese girl Now I want I like the little Is there none of that kind of Japanese affectation like I think down. Yeah, you have to scroll in covering their mouths I can't believe I thought that's so much animal man She giggled there Wow now speaking of farts Did we we haven't talked about his new film I know it's his new

feature film for 2015 Yeah The king the king has arrived. Yeah, we found this right before the new year. I think we were in Austin The king Added this of course we're talking about harry and gross I fart in your face king a stripper Made he put some actual post production work into this video I mean you you heard the little Opening jingle there. He adds graphics. There's music and of course his talent

Oh You got to see the way this video is built It's like the king of ripping ass And then it goes to that and then it comes back to the graphic and it says farts I'm really good at editing work in this. It's impressive His white his tight whiteies that are white have so much brown. It's really appalling. It's really really appalling Oh It's amazing can we get this on the site? Yeah, of course. This is really kidding me. This is my one

And it says he puts I am the most disgusting human being alive one of his graphics It really is his goal It's rare at least he knows what he wants most people never do He's laying on a mattress with no sheets That's some real dirty shit to do just laying directly on a mattress and fart What do you think his room? Unless it's a sofa mattress in which case the hundred percent organic god I Wonder how he chose the indian motif. I know and interesting choice. He actually titled the movie

Yeah, there's there's those you know that the titles in a film like on a poster. Yes, it says eye movie and live league presents A live leaks production no a live league presents production an association with eye movie a harry and gross film Passport to paradise Yeah, and you want to hear some of the credits? Yeah, uh, so it was edited by bobby t production designer harry ass ripper director of photography harry and gross slob casting by harry and gross glutton

um costume designer glutton and glutton manners executive producer gassy glutton written by king ass ripper Directed by harry and gross A lot of different people getting credit there You think you had a full crew on this? It's a quite a production team I wonder also if you had to do like a kickstarter for the funding on this film or you got a lot of comments studio behind it

On this particular video. Let's see What are the fans saying? Um, I could have lived my whole life without seeing or hearing that Let's see how dare you get mad at them the righteous indignation Oh, dare you this man is nothing but talent. He puts it out there for you Dude get yourself some new undies Uh, at least this guy knows which way the wind is blowing Okay I can put up with gross behavior. I can deal with shit staying skeebies. I can even tolerate stupid meaningless videos

That resorts to the lowest common denominator in a feeble attempt at humor, but I cannot tolerate that music Oh, Shakespeare. Hmm. Okay. Wow. Oh the music was your deal breaker. I didn't like the music. Huh Uh, pray russia pushes the button and nature can take earth back. We have failed I like that. That's pretty good Jesus I wish growth brooks would make a video like this Then I could really enjoy him. I like that. I like that. This is art I

Would love to watch growth brooks for like that Yeah, are you like real stuff? Do you think he's been a leal? Do you? Yeah, you do. I think something's wrong Something's wrong. You know why because it really it goes against the instinct for most men, which is to get laid I mean most men that's that's pretty much why you build buildings and go to space and Get jobs. It's because you want to attract a potential mate. Like you want to have sex

This guy is pushing down one of the fundamental drives The sex drive. Yeah, it's pretty amazing, right? Unless there's I'm sure there's like a legion of girls who like this, right? There's no not a legion Maybe one girl to bus stop somewhere That the monster truck lady. I don't even think her lady who's maybe looking in a gutter right now somewhere Somebody who somebody who's looking for more meth Maybe she likes it. I like that live leak. It's his only outlet. That's where he can be himself That's his home. You don't understand that. Why why does youtube not allow him? It's not it's not profane

People keep flagging it clearly. They're watching those videos and they're like flag this shit Too bad Doesn't know boundaries. No now I wanted to play this. Um, you Sent this Acceptance you're like tom you should approach your body like this So I want to see what it is. I have not seen this yet Behind the closed doors and picket fences of america's most normal looking homes There are secrets one two three

There are obese women who believe that bigger is better even if it's considered taboo This calf is four inches bigger than this calf In north carolina a gainer pushes her body to the limits I love it when my face gets rounder and my cheeks get better In colorado a plus size model has turned her weight into big business Look at that shaft and poles In ohio the word thin has become a bad word The thought of me being thin it really scares me

And in orange county california one nightclub has inverted the standards of beauty We're just a nightclub where everybody's accepted and you're gonna see plus size women there Are you trying to get me to Be into this more I'm trying to get you to go on orange county with me With that nightclub getting that club trying to get you into fetish if you want me to do uh Fart and brown porn You got to do the fetish stuff In a thin obsessed country

They are misunderstood shunned and ignored Living a life that is often seen as they're really huge. Yeah I don't know if this is good What do you mean to get fat to celebrate that fat? Yeah It's one thing to accept the body that you have or just be comfortable with who you are. Yeah, but uh, these people are like Intentionally getting grotesquely. Yeah really super. She's like all my face gets rounder Most people don't like the process of getting fatter. Yeah, but they're not like Caring a few extra pounds to be fat is to be judged and discriminated against

I have been called an elephant. I've been told that I should starve myself and give the food to the people in africa A stereotype being the fact people are lazy undisciplined even taboo Black discipline, but there are some who believe it's society's perspective that needs to change. Jesus. I am five foot nine And I am six hundred and twenty two. Yeah, that's not good. Damn that I absolutely love it Shattering all the stereotypes Gabby is not only proud to be obese But she is also using her size to make a lucrative living. That's not good. That's not good She's not in a good place

It's not five foot nine six is not anything good. No or five river four. No, no No, but I mean Wow, what we got a real reading on that one Oh You're gonna giggle that you're really picking your nose right now. I know what's going on I can just feel it. Oh my god. There's a real scrotcher in there Oh my god. Where are you gonna wipe that? Oh, no. Oh, no And the chewing gum wrapper. Oh, I'm gonna throw up. I think I saw it

God you're an animal, you know that Oops Jesus Christ Babe, do you think it's you think this is good to accept it? No, I I think uh All only because it's more than an aesthetic choice. It really is a health killer Yeah, if it were just aesthetics, I would go well good for you, you know, who cares? Maybe you do like it, but it really isn't a good thing. No, yeah, all kinds of health problems come on problem Yeah

That's what she sounds like five nine six hundred pounds Do you think that their farts are bigger really? Like fat people like big it would sound different because there's just so much Mass and skin there. I don't know I mean, there's more coming out all the time. Yeah, there's a lot more going in Yeah, consuming probably, you know over 10,000 calories a day every day. How much fun would that be? Imagine like you just didn't give a fuck right there. I'm running the edge Like your last cruise it's the last two weeks of your life. And you're just like I do about 9,000 today. So yeah

You'd have to really diligently work eating that much. It's a lot. That's a lot Yeah, but it would be nice to not give a fuck. Yeah, it would be nice. That's true I wonder how long it would take me to get to six hundred Not long I was soaked the camera. Oh You're in dig. Why am I a dig? What's this time it's called a queefing video. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, it's getting kind of gross here Christ, let's clean it up a little bit. Yeah, come on. Um, what do you want to do the game or the call?

Oh, let's do the call man. All right. This is a real special treat. It's exciting. Um This is uh We were able to I have we never had this guy on the show. I call my uncle bill um You know technically he's not my uncle, but somebody I've you know Known so long and close family friends. So I just call my uncle bill And I called him the other day and talked to him

He's just somebody you know when you're just looking for like a fresh perspective. Yeah It's just like he doesn't he doesn't remind me of anybody else in my life Like he's not like any of my friends. He's he's his own man. He's his own man. Yeah, and he's not yeah It's just he's he's a breath of fresh air. He's a breath of fresh air. That's the best way to put it Here's my call with my uh, my uncle bill uncle bill. It's good to have you on the line. How you been buddy? I'm just top of my game pal. I couldn't be better Man, there is so much going on. I know you're in uh, new york Uh, I haven't seen you in a while. What's been going on in your life. How have you been personally?

Well fine every other day. I have to cut about an inch off my dick That's the only thing that I really i'm really concerned about. Yeah, the thing keeps growing and growing and growing and you know It's a little bit of a pain But I found uh, I found a way to do it. It's kind of like a circumcision that kind of thing. You know what I mean? Self self done Yeah, I use a linoleum knife if you know, you know what they are. It's got a little bit of a hook on it So it works well Wow, that's um, you're one of the few guys that has that problem

But I you know, I feel for you. I know yeah, and you probably don't get a lot of sympathy, but I really feel for you No, I I don't nobody cares when I tell them that Hey, I gotta especially women. Yeah women especially. I'm sure I went over to my neighbor's house the other day Knocked on the door and I talked to my knit and my neighbor my buddy's wife And she was totally response Didn't respond at all didn't like it and asked me to leave. I don't know why but you know what the hell Yeah, she probably saw that big that big uh salami you're swinging around and yes Yeah, now what what is your you always have like pretty strong opinions?

I'm sure you are aware of what happened in paris Oh my god, that's terrible. Yeah What is what do you think um, the u.s. Response should be to something like that well I don't know if your viewers or your listeners know of william to come to Sherman But he was a he was a civil war general and um He was the guy that coined war is hell

So when he can't when you got the word that William to come to Sherman was on his way It's ass fucking time and real serious Your hole was opened up that you so so so much so that you could probably carry a bowling ball around in your anus Did a big job a real serious job a lot of killing a lot of tearing a lot of burning Yeah, we uh, we have lost our will um This current administration is an absolute disgrace

Disgrace especially this situation the other day where they had this Salad a solidari march no shell Yeah, that was we didn't even send a janitor. We didn't even send a white house janitor That was a big a big screw-up on our part not having a representative. Oh, absolutely. We look terrible. We look like a bunch of whispers Uh, we look like dress wearers Now a lot of people. I mean are you Of the feeling is obama our best president in his uh, did you say barack ovomit?

No, I is that ovomit, right? Yeah, that's yeah barack ovomit That's with a v tom Are you not? I know you only learned 24 letters in the alphabet when you went to school, but there are there are a couple more Is is he your least favorite president that we've had? I think he's the worst with uh in the history of the country Really? I think he's held bent for leather. He's trying to destroy this country. He's doing a hell of a job Hopefully we get to the finish line with him. He's he's two years are up quicker than the than the country's totally destroyed And what about 2016? Do you feel like

Hillary has a good shot of winning? I like her. I like her hips I'd like to look at those hips for four or eight years There's a there's a good possibility, right? Are you oh, yeah? Yeah, she should have a license plate on the back of that thing Would you be upset if she won? Yeah, I probably would be yeah Who yeah Who do you think I think she's honestly tom? I think she's full of shit. Yeah, yeah straight up. I mean

Um, I don't want to pull any punches. You're a friend of mine my nephew, you know There's no need to pull any punches here. She's full of shit She's got a line and excuse for everything. You know what's interesting When she was running against the old vomit One of her famous quotes was If you got a call at two or three in the morning, who would you want on the other end of the line? Well, I know I don't want to vomit

Right He's out But can you imagine her at least he he was man enough to roll over and go to sleep because he's tired He had a big day the next day, right But she she was kind of shocking no way to be found nothing to do The whole world was falling apart at the seams actually when you think about it. I know Every day you get up. There's a new story. They found they're looking for six more guys in france now We're in a world of hurt and we don't have a leader with a third testicle

We need one. Oh, we need most definitely many hillary can help us with that Now I wanted to ask you personally I know that we're coming up on the six year anniversary of michael jackson dying And i'm wondering that's a good thing he did That's one of the best things That he did For the cause he died You think it was good and I I lord him for that

I'd like I I'd actually like to dig him up and shake his hand Yeah, I died. That's terrific. Do you remember where you were when he died? Uh, no, I was probably um I was probably scraping my my adult size. Um Pampers out with a putty knife I think that yeah, that's what I was doing at the time. I had an accident And I had to pull over to the side of the road. I always carry a putty knife with me It's like, uh, you know, it's on a keychain, you know, it's chains people hang from their hip

Yeah, like janitor goes into a pocket. It's like you got your own personal safe in your pocket. Yes That's where you keep your putty knife. Yeah, I keep my putty knife for accidents Are you gonna honor him in any way when the no not at all? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Unless I go out and unless my neighbor's four-year-old Then I've made a statement in honor of michael. That's true. That's very honorable or walk around with my monkey Yes Sure What a fucking what a space shot, huh? Yeah, you think about that fucking guy. Yeah

And I remember him when he was he was a negro A negro male a black male and I watched him morph into a white female It's pretty outrageous. It is it's it's interesting But he never had plastic surgery. It was just a function of like it's like growing another foreskin You grow a woman's face. Yeah, it was it's really um, and I feel like that's one of those things too that that people don't let you Really talk about you know, like you're not allowed to Yeah, yeah, you know, otherwise you're a bad guy for pointing it out a lot of people Yeah, I mean a lot of women too. They have these these uh horrific procedures done and you're supposed to just ignore it

You know, they look I know I know they look like animals Oh, yeah, the the lip work and uh, they put rubber implants in the cheek. It's a nice look If you want to be called scrotum face Yeah That's a way to get things done puff your lips up work on your cheeks Add some kind of implant in your chin and you can go around and be called scrotum face Miss scrotum miss scrotum 1999 and then they get upset they get upset that it's like, you know, you're the one that that

Had somebody massacre your face and that's the risk you took so yeah, exactly And then you cry and you whine and I look like shit And I got to go back to this guy and have him put my elbow in the middle of my face A different look. Yeah a different look now. Let me ask you on a personal note You know valentine's day is coming up. We have a lot of couples that listen. Do you have any like romance tips for the guys? You know and how to romance the lady in their lives Hmm, let me think about that I'm thinking about

I it's funny. You should ask that. I was actually thinking about that today. It's it's racing up on us I I think what I'm going to do this year is I'm not going to beat my wife up On the 14th. It is the 14th, right? That's right Yeah, I'm not going to beat her up this time Wow, that's a really nfl kind of Yeah, yeah Oh, those guys are my heroes. Yeah, I like guys that pack guns punch out their wives in the in elevators I would you ever see that one? I did that video. That was unbelievable and then raise a man

I like I like guys like that. He's a no shit guy. Yeah, it doesn't take any shit, right? He's a no shit guy This I don't know what she was talking to him about Like where do you want to go to dinner bang? Yeah And how fuck does she where she's now telling people just to to you know It's all about the money. Yeah, it's all about the money. Yeah So he's not good looking. He's short He's an ex an ex running back now right the next running back He went to one of the great colleges in america ruckers, right? Where did he go ruckers? Yeah, that's a real

High and when they talk about higher learning man, wow Wow, and it has nothing to do with fucking Crack or any of that shit Yeah, higher learning. Yeah, okay ray What an asshole. Yeah, and they try to cover it up. That's the thing that pisses me off They're trying to cover it up. It's on video. I like the way he dragged her out of the Elevator and then pulled the skirt down a little bit. He didn't want to you know Show her panties in case somebody was coming down the hole these nice touches very loving very caring man

He wanted to maintain her dignity bill see see that I know but he's got a great right cross Did you see that thing go off bang? Wow Holy christ I did a little boxing when I was younger as you know And I don't I don't think I could handle my handle myself against him. That was a lightning rocket Did you fire it off and she um, you know, and then I think I think he surprised himself with how how strong of a cross you can throw Oh, yeah, absolutely, but who's most surprised

His wife. Yes. What's the name rush? She did the rush. She did. What's the name? I think it's jenay jenay. Yes Very nice. I like the name I I do I I like jenay if you were to have a sweet name can I ask you if you were to have kids today? I know you're not going to have any kids now But if you did you got that big thing between your legs and who knows right it could end up somewhere Now if you were to have a boy and a girl, what would you name them? The boy would be esposito and the girl would be three

Three Three number three, huh? Oh, why would you just three? It's different. Yeah, you like these standout names. I do at least, you know, you look at the hollywood types and yeah They name their child blue Yeah, that's not going to be a problem when the guy goes for a job interview at IBM. What's your name blue? Really no shit. Okay. You're out of here. Yeah, get the fucking hook for this guy I think Gwyneth paltrow has a a child named apple and apple. Yeah, and that pissed me off because She never heard a fucking strawberry. What the fuck is the matter with this bitch?

I'm serious Strawberry and erica badu has a son named seven Seven the number seven. Yes See the bitch is copying me You see That's true So that's good advice for the for the listeners don't beat up your lady on the 14th No, that's

Refrain from that at least this year You know, but the day after I mean, what do you want for breakfast that warrants a punch in the neck? Yeah To me, you know, yeah for sure No pressure too early in the day for pressure. Don't ask me what I want for breakfast How can we get world peace? That's what I really want to know I think we got a fuck a lot of more a lot more people up. Yeah, we do, right? Yeah, I that's what I Big fan Big fan of that

Do we maybe we need a general to be president again, right and just go out there could be that that might be an interesting touch Guy with an itchy finger. Yeah, and a big button Exactly, you know a big button and an itchy finger and kind of a A cast in his eye, you know where one eye looks at you the other eye looks down the street Yeah, yeah, exactly one of those guys. That's what we really should be looking for in america now I think that's um, that's great. That's a great idea Yeah, um Uncle bill, uh, I thank you for for your time. Uh, I got to get going but um, I'll call you again soon if that's cool

Hey, do me a favor tom. Don't call me or anymore. Okay. Okay sounds good. Uncle bill Okay, keep in touch with yourself right if you find work All right. Thanks. Bye. Bye Wow Priceless uncle bill how much fun is uncle bill? He's the best Moderate, I don't know if you could tell just yeah Slight moderate, but you know breath of fresh air love it You know what I love about uncle bill is that these these are the men that raised us, you know

This generation of dudes Who tell it like it is even if you don't agree with him. I just love I just love this I love this person now. I love uncle bill man. Yeah, this is where it's at You know because it's no bullshit. You know where this guy stands. You can just yeah, you know Can you imagine no bullshit him with like in a room full of guys that are like minded? How much fun those guys have together? I just want to I just want to sit there. I know, you know I don't even want to speak. I just want to watch I'm just thinking that him and like my dad and your dad and a couple other dads

Just sit around and talk about Fucking drop and box mad shit. Yeah You want to help a situation and blah-blah-blah? Yeah Shot and talk about michael jackson. It's the best be the best man I love it. I you know what I do There are so many good things that have come from political correctness and yeah Tolerance and all this bullshit, but then again, there's some old school stuff. I agree with I actually agree with Yeah, uncle bill's uncle bill's he is hysterical man

Um, can't always be PC. Are you ready or are you ready? Oh? It's so long It is time to fill her up and seal her shut What do you got for us gene? Well, it's been a long time since we've done this. I can't believe it I know it was one of the staples of the show. I know and we just kind of like It just kind of meowed away. We had so many other things to do It's fair to say that there are probably a good number of listeners that aren't even familiar with filler. Yeah, it's been that long Why don't you give them the backstory on what we do with this?

So fill up. So I'm gonna name two people both sexes and you tell me Which one you'd prefer to fill up and seal shut or Have them fill up and seal you shut right with what do you think? I think it's with your love mustard. That's correct Let's start off With the gentleman. Okay Uh, so we just went with an indian theme in light of king ass ripper's new video. Yeah, he's inspiring It's inspired 2015 is all about the indians life imitates art So here's mine for the dudes. Okay, uh filler up. Would you rather get filled up and sealed shut by

Deepak Chopra? Okay Or Sanjay Gupta Yeah Huh two great tastes Go great together I feel like You know, I feel like sanjay is a better looking guy personally. Yeah, and he's a doctor You know that he's

intelligent And I think he knows why things feel good. That's my thing about doctors Is that I think I'd be like Hey, what about whatever and then gupta would be like, well You know, this is your perennium and if I push like this And then this right here this area of your penis has this many Uh nerve endings This is why this feels amazing and I go, oh

Thank you doctor And also, you know, if there is any tearing any bleeding. He's gonna know how to sew me up So for those reasons alone and the fact that I feel like Deepak's really full of Deepak Um, I'm going with Dr. Sanjay Gupta Now don't you I mean, I'm just saying throw this into the mix Do anything that Deepak Chopra would know things like your anal chakras He might know some chakra work that could really benefit you Basically, this is why we have this conversation. I mean, yeah, everybody brings their thoughts to the table and then

You let the love happen. Here's the thing with Deepak is that I'd like to get up in his ass Really, I like to tear that ass up because if you look way far up inside of Deepak Chopra's ass, you'll find Oprah And you know, I love Oprah And those two are but buddies Let me see man. I'm Sanjay's kind of cute though. Deepak's not not hot No, Sanjay's a good looking dude. Yeah Deepak's a little rough and he's older. He's 22 years older than Gupta Yeah, but he's actually he's he looks good for his age

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'm I'm gonna go I'm gonna go with Deepak just because I want to meet Oprah Wow, you know what that is Most evil That's a master manipulator. Hey Dale. Carnate. Carnegie. Carnegie Okay, so we got we got the dudes now for the ladies Are you ready? Okay, so for the ladies, I don't know how to say her name. Forgive me if you're Indian. I'm butchering this Aishwarya, right

She she was Miss Universe. She's like that hot ass Indian. She's like the most beautiful Indian woman on the planet Oof, you know, I'm talking about Miss Universe. I didn't and now I'm looking look it up Aishwarya And last thing was all right. Yeah, I mean, I'm looking at it and I'm already leaking a little bit. Okay. I'm gonna throw up Leaking out of my piece. I'm gonna barf. No, I know where from Ding dong. I'm your wife. Oh, but you said I thought we were gonna fill this up. Are we not doing this game anymore? Oh my god, I'm gonna throw up. Okay. Okay. Who else gets it Padma Lakshmi Um, the host of top chef. Oh, she's so pretty very beautiful. I can't stand her. I'm really I cannot stand

Why can't you stand her? I'm a hundred percent Aishwarya, right? You got what's wrong with Padma? You gotta clean it out of your eyes. You better clean it out of your nose Stupid you got to get you know when babe, you know how babies can't blow their nose So they flush it and then that sucks out come. Yeah, they have to do that the comments in her ears It's in her hair. Yeah It's in every crevice that you got. There's nothing you can do. I'm sorry, Aishwarya, but you're getting sealed shut Um, I've never liked things bother me. First of all, I never liked I don't like people having this

This assumption of credibility and that lady always bothered me because she would go on this show And the other judges on top chef would be like, I'm a you know a trained chef I've been working in the industry for like 30 years Then the people that are competing are like I am you know, I'm a chef here. I've been sue chef at the blog Yes, I'm the head chef. I work in restaurants in this restaurant and I transferred over here and she was like, well, I'm beautiful Um, actually it sucks. It's even more insidious than that. You're gonna kill yourself when you know how she got that gig She fucked somebody she was married to The creator or somebody affiliated with top chef who was in power and then divorced him

But yeah, yeah, that's how she got on the show because her husband was yeah I mean to me credibility is big especially if you're in the position of Saying this is good. This is bad. Yeah, if it's a show about The restaurant industry and food you should be qualified in that capacity Like just being like a hot chick doesn't qualify you now to be here's the thought Does that mean that I'll give her a good Hate filling. That's what I was gonna say. I was gonna suggest a hate f-ing for Padma It's a different motivation altogether. Yeah, it's a different it's a whole different filler up sealer shot. That's really interesting

I think I think Aisha We don't know much about her. Aishwarya. Aishwarya. I think Aisha might be But she's all uppity too. She's all misuse. They're both uppity though. Yeah, don't don't be thankin Okay, because her shit stanky indian and they make smelly indian browns too. Don't forget that They're eating like all that but they both are so again tandoori and yeah You know lentils all day It's got a smell bad down there dude all the farts in those rooms I also feel like Deepak Chopra farts that that Padma

Chick is more like my shit don't stink swag like she's always kind of like Because she's all she all boogey like she all skinny too like a fucking supermodel Yeah, they both get their asses kissed a lot and she shows off her scar a lot like you know She's got that scar on her arm and she's always like look at my scar like no you're on television You're supposed to cover up your flaws. Don't want to see that shit. Yeah I'll boo who have a scar so what I don't want to see that shit. I don't see that shit That being said

I kind of think Padma aesthetically is prettier Than miss universe Aisha Aishwarya, Aishwarya, Aishwarya, Aishwarya I'm gonna go for Padma. Padma, right? Pat PADMA Lakshmi I'm gonna go for Padma simply because her diet's going to be american and if I'm gonna have to put my face On her cooch and near her bum hole I don't want the indian smells coming out of there. So i'm going rude. You're so rude. Why Aisha lives in india So she's eating that shit all day. Look this padms are smelly. Don't look they're not any good

But she's eating american food. That's what i'm saying. You know what she's eating She's on top shift. So she's eating american foods When she's shooting and that's one i'm gonna have to go down on her is during shooting All right Oh, she was married to Salman Rushdie Shut the front door. Yeah Padma Padma was Damn, yeah, he created top chef. Everybody knows that He did not Salman Rushdie

Yeah, huh? That was that's what he's known Salman Sal Salman Rushdie is known for creating top chef. He wrote the rules for top chef didn't know that I thought it was something else very interesting You didn't know that? No Salman So who do you who do you fill up you fill up Padma? Yes, I've told you But if my head's my i'm gonna have to chow her box and if it's near her bum hole

I don't want the indian food smells coming out. Yeah, I think it would be for me. It's um I don't i'm not i'm so much not a fan I you like Aisha Aishwarya Aishwarya is getting Aishwarya. Yeah, Aishwarya. She's getting it in her butthole In her mouth curry holes getting filled up all the places and uh All the places where things can go and then look we want you to to let us know who you would fill up and seal shut Very important. There's a real easy way to do it facebook.com slash your mom's

house podcast and uh I mean when you're there and you're really and you're doing and you're chipping and you're booping then you can see um You can post right there. I'm sure there'll be a poll. There's usually a poll put up But facebook.com slash your mom's house podcast. Let us know Do you like Dr. Sanjay Gupta? Do you like Deepak Chopra? Do you want to have one of them fill you up and seal you shut both?

Hey, you can also maybe you can choose both all four if you really want that's not how we play this game Yeah, but you know it's 2015 and we come on let's put a spin on it a lot No, but you can't choose all four you gotta pick You gotta pick that is one smelly indian. Wow, you're really going on. No, listen. I had an indian stepdad for like 14 years I know exactly Dude, my house smelled like a fucking curry restaurant. Oh my god. You guys are so disgusting for 14 years And I know what my stepdads dumps smelled like because we ate that shit like every night But I had curry for 14 years, bro

My house my walls were stained yellow from the saffron cooking and rice. I swear to christ, dude Do you think yellow Can you tell us a little bit about how it smelled like a Bad and it smelled like like the Taj Mahal restaurant. Yes dirty and disgusting And he had a lot of you know paintings up of ganache and And all the indian stuff. Yeah. Oh, yeah. All right Jean's That's really about her

She Is the one She released Silly man of the year. Yes. I just want to remind our audience To please go to itunes go to cd, baby Get man of the year Christina Pajewski's new comedy album She put a lot of work into it and It's hilarious the album cover is awesome. The whole theme of it is so it's fantastic

It's tom approved. I'm not making a fool out of myself. Um, yeah, that's great. What do you want to hear going out? What song do you want to hear? Um, let me think hold on. There's some let's have a fefo song. Is there any theo songs? Hey, why don't we listen to the 10 times 10 with the s on the end from the hunters block. Oh that one. That's like Absolutely one of my favorites. Okay. Okay. Let me see if I can pull that. Yeah, I don't feel nothing 10 times 10 with an s on the end from the hunters block. I think that's is that ghost cruise? I think so. Yeah, I think so

Let's see. Yeah Um We got to change his name still But he can he responds to fefo now. Is this it? Yeah Oh, no, I'm sorry. That's obi one cannoli. Oh, sorry obi. Yeah, sorry. We play we play a lot of both of your stuff So hey with all all due respect. Hi Hi, it's obi one cannoli. Um, all right. So here's theo jam

part deuces From obi one cannoli Theo jam Jean's congratulations again on your new album. Thanks guys and thank you for supporting me Everybody listening. Thank you. All right. Bye guys. Thank you, uncle I've been spoken like a mother for I run LA basically south of the tent Feed me sandwiches

Pats all the time Balls licked Get some barbecue I'm Theo all goddamn day He's running shit south of the tent 10 times came with your ass on there from the hunders black Rocker. Yeah, I don't play around these parts. You know what I'm saying? He's running shit south of the tent 10 times came with your ass on there from the hunders black Rocker. Yeah, I don't play around these parts. You know what I'm saying?

I'm a wild animal. I stab you in your sleep. Get your ass out of my face. Respect my privacy. I don't feel nothing I get what I need. I'm a weirdo. I'm gonna do the siphon gas from your jeep. I bet outside You ain't shit. I piss this shit where I want. You better not forget that kind of damn y'all lazy I never stop hustling. Give me something to get something. They gotta pay up You could get kidnapped. You're under my care. Better show mother fuckers respect. Uh, yeah Of course not a little bit of new corvettes. What I do is what I've been doing. Oh, shit. You cannot disrespect me Can I Motherfuckers black

I just get a shit done. 24 was sailing. Who's the number one? He's running shit south of the tent 10 times came with your ass on there from the hunders black Rocker. Yeah, I don't play around these parts. You know what I'm saying? He's running shit south of the tent 10 times came with your ass on there from the hunders black Rocker. Yeah, I don't play around these parts. You know what I'm saying? You act like I didn't live outside for three years. I live outside Caught stepping up the game Yo, when the fuck are we going back to the dog park?

I have people Chihuahua Goofy Gert Labrador's I'm still all goddamn day