Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 277-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 21, 2015

Mind if we burp? After Chipotle? And suckin stuff? Well we've got that and more for you. Here's something we'd like to know - what exactly is Plies saying? We try to solve the mysteries of this modern day philosopher.  Plus does a communist from a small island have the tools to identify a sex toy? We have differing opinions on this one. Will you side with the right Mommy!? Maybe if you're having troubles motivating yourself you keep it to yourself OR just go ahead and post every day how everyone is out to get you and everything is a battle and FIGHT! Fight things and people that aren't even there. That seems awfully stable of you.  You have the Jeans, you just gotta learn how to wear them. 

You can be so worthy my old town Your mom talks to the breeze, he listenin' weakly, downloadin' for fuck's sake This shit should be easy, it's been a few times ago Keep your pants high, hand white, down with disinfected bath whites That's just too lovely, disgustful, we can't write in the house Put the same shit you got on it, said fuck you And the friendly will laugh until you get up in the rain Drop it if you talk shit, your mom is in the fucking stands

Don't give a star a retort, a retort in big words It's worthless, it's when dick jokes disperse You know we're pro, they try to disrespect me in my house And wrap the fuck up, wrap the fuck up, remote control How's your mom's a now? She's good, likes the bourbon though How's your mom's a now? In the precincts gets a golden show

How's your mom's a now? Good, fuck the pain How's your mom's a now? Pull up the seat How's your mom's a now? 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:06,000 How's your mom's a now? This shit is big time

How's your mom's a now? I'm not gonna be old but I'm not recorded How's your mom's a now? Did I actually happen to leave Orlando? How's your mom's a now? The MomsHousePodcast.com How's your mom's a now? I want him more

How's your mom's a now? Crap motherfucker How's your mom's a now? Whoa, what do you think of that? That was amazing Yeah Amazing stupendous That's Joe Double

Of course it's Joe Double Joe Double's a shit Yeah, he did our very first song ever Nothing's worse than a white rapper Yes Yes Joe Double is a special place in my heart I mean, that was ridiculously good

Yeah, he's the dog's tits, you know As they say The proverbial dog tits The proverbial dog The perverted and the dog tits Jeans, you're in Irvine this week If I'm not mistaken Yeah, it's today

Oh my gosh, this is it guys If you're hopefully listening to this first thing Wednesday morning Yeah, if you're listening on Wednesday And you're in Orange County I'm doing one show It's a new hour of material It's going to be the Irvine Improv

And I hope you can make it Pre-sales have been very strong And I thank everybody that listens to the show That is coming It's great, I'm very excited So thank you very much to the mommies That are coming to Irvine today Wednesday, January 21st, 8 p.m. show

I'll also be, let's see this weekend Did you hear that? I heard you fart I heard you fart I ran right over it That was so good Then I'm also going to, next week I'm going to Kansas City

Missouri Eric Lundy's there Yeah, Eric Lundy's there I'm going to work out with him And then, let's see That's only Thursday, Friday and Saturday Because Super Bowl Sunday There's no show for very good reasons

You think you mean the Super Bowls Super Bowls show Then I go to Mama Ha Or actually, you know what Oh, Mama Ha Oh, Mama Ha Oh, Mama Ha You're going to like that club

That's actually a really fun time Yeah, and in February And at the end of February I'm sold out in Lafayette, Louisiana Okay, Tom Segura But Hattiesburg, Mississippi Still has some tickets If you want to

Come see the God in Hattiesburg You can go to TomSegura.com And check out tickets there A bunch of other stuff has been added Daytona Beach Well, that's a college But then Jacksonville has Tickets up one night only

West Palm Beach one night only in March All at TomSegura.com Jeans, what about you? Guys, January 30th and 31st I'll be at SketchFest in Manfrondisco, California Just those two nights I'm doing, I think, two shows At the Punchline in San Francisco

So come see me there And then, guys, listen Nobody likes Valentine's Day I mean, some of you do, obviously But your mothers don't care for it That's why we've decided To spend Valentine's Day with you The mommies

We're doing a mom in times We should call it something A lot of Valentine's Day Fartin' times No, I like Valentine's Day with your mommies Vaseline in times Oh, yeah Like, Val and mom's day

Right, right, right Anyways, come join with us Join with us Join us at the Ice House in Pasadena And then I'm going to do Tommy just did Morty's Comedy Joint in Indianapolis, Indiana That's Indianapolis, Indiana, not Indianapolis, Germany

Right So I'm gonna be there February 19th through 21st Come see me there And look, March, I'll go that far March 5th through 8th, DC, DC Improv The best, man The motherfucking best

That's a great club And why not let's announce it Because I think the links are already up On your mom's house podcast Finally, we're doing Boston March 28th, we're doing your mom's house live At TT Bears In Boston, Massachusetts

The night before on the 27th of March We're gonna be at the Knitting Factory Doing your mom's house live I will say this From what I was told about those venues Yeah They're pretty small And like in the Boston we've never been to

If you really want to go to those shows I would say to get tickets now Like if you're gonna be around And you want to see that Boston live podcast There's no way there will be tickets for it By March Can I tell you, because I know on Twitter People are already like, I bought my tickets

So just get heads up If you want to come to that Boston show Get it now It's not that big of a venue So get them now Alright Is that it, Jeanne? Um, yeah

I mean, guys, please I implore you When you do your shopping on Amazon Use your mom's house podcast Banner Go to our website Your mom's house podcast.com Scroll down

Bookmark it Just bookmark it It's so much easier when you do it that way And when you do your shopping We get some kickbacks Yeah, absolutely And thank you to those that have already done it Yeah

So appreciative of you guys Thank you very much Are you ready to do this? Oh my gosh Party, man Let's do this Am I allowed to burp? Because I have to burp

I don't care Excuse me Chipotle Chipotle tastes really good Going in But when you burp After sucking dick It doesn't taste really good

It tastes weird This shit is big time Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this Don't burp in the fucking stand Welcome Welcome Welcome to your mom's house

With Tom Segura Tom Segura And Christina Bazitsyn Christina Bazitsyn Welcome to your mom's house Yeah Yeah

You know, I was agreeing with her When she's like It tastes really good going in Then it tastes good Because it's right When you burp Chipotle It's like burping garbage Yeah

But then the dick sucking part Kind of lost me Kind of threw me Well, I mean Is it a wrong statement Just because there's a fucking dick involved in it? But do you think it's Because the Chipotles is now mixed

With other fluids in her stomach? I don't think they're mixed yet I think it's all that, you know That head rocking And a lot of like saliva And maybe there's no There's air going down That's why she had to burp, you know

Because she's Busy doing her thing And that's She's doing that right after Chipotle That was the figure eight, right? Or that was Angel That was Angel Yeah, it's really amazing

Yeah, yeah That was amazing Dirty and disgusting Yeah, that's Angel Yeah, I mean, I don't know, let's Let's get another No, I don't know Can I allow to burp?

Except to burp I don't burp Excuse me I don't burp I don't burp I don't burp I don't burp I don't burp

I don't burp I don't burp Chipotle Chipotle tastes really good going in But when you burp Yeah After sucking dick It doesn't taste really good

It tastes weird She has that affectation to it It tastes weird Yeah Like the girl from the hills That we were watching yesterday Holy shit On a millionaire matchmaker

Millionaire matchmaker, yeah It's called vocal fry And it's this generation A lot of the girls They go up at the end When they talk Yeah, what is that? It makes you sound retarded

I think it's just It's like the cool way to talk right now Yeah, it's like It's what Valley Girl was in the 80s I think it's now It's that thing It's very Valley Girl But it really throws you off

Like when you pay attention to it You're like Wow, why is I don't know Why is that person Who's not retarded Sounding retarded Yeah, because she's not

She's not a dope But she sounds super dumb When you talk like that Yeah, I mean let's see I had a woman I had a woman tell me She goes, you know When you say like a lot

It really invalidates you Definitely Don't go fuck yourself I say like a lot I like it I am ready Steph, just tell me your name And how you feel today

I'm Stephanie Pratt My life is the best it has Ever been Except that I don't have Anyone to share it with It's about time that My sister gets a boyfriend Being in the public eye

I think it's a bit harder to date How are you feeling? I'm so excited I just really find your husband For my rush And then we'll double date Every single day Every single day

I love that I don't think it's that I'm picky It's just I really believe in Soulmates and love And your perfect match Because my parents

Everything has an extra Either an extra pause Or syllable It's strung out And like we were saying This girl could be really bright Like maybe she is really smart Yeah

I mean they said she studied in Paris For I don't know how long Like she's not like She's not, you know A fucking dolt But it literally Literally, I'm talking like her Literally

That's another one That's out of the face of cells all the time Like literally When you sound that way When your speech comes out that way If you speak fluent English And you hear that You go

This person's fucking dumb Yeah Like you can't help But invalidate the person A little bit Totally Well she doesn't do the up thing Here

But she does it more on her date I think when she gets It's still here It's less But yeah But when she gets When she gets nervous You know who else talks like this?

Yeah Kim Kardashian Oh The Kardashians do that too Yeah Where they add like An extra solo Bulta thing

Or something Where does it come from? What's the What is causing someone To speak this way? It's It's Valley Girl I think it's the

I guess It's this generation's It's You know Right But like There's What's the catalyst to

Your speech Taking on This specific cadence You know It's hanging out With other Dumb people Dumb broads, yeah

It's It's belonging to the Dumb bitch crew And Heidi and Spencer And At the end of the day They're just basically Celebrating each other

And their love All day, every day Yeah And I think that's kind of The best thing in the world Every day And they have these High standards of

You know These incredible relationships Incredible relationships She should lower the standards No, I shouldn't Yes, I should No No

I mean Steph is Just riveting She should be a model She's so gorgeous I love her I'm so excited to fix her up So Stephanie, Heidi, and Spencer

All coming here Oh, dude I figured out What is it? It's a kissing cousin Of how gay dudes talk Because you hear That gay guy talk

Like Because that's its own Lexicon too Like its own You know Its own vernacular Like gay guys But not just gay

You mean like the It's basically the stereotypical gay Right It's the heightened Yeah Where you're like Do you really speak that way? But it's a cultural marker

Yeah It's a cultural identifier It's a way of going like I belong to this It's like slang, right? Right That's very true Like a bonnix is considered

Its own vernacular Right Yeah I mean Maybe this is like dumb bitch Like this is its own vernacular It's its own thing This shit should be easy

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah I know

People say certain things You go I know what group you're from Pizza Yeah Yeah I get it What group

Wait a minute I don't I'm not following Well I mean everybody has their own I mean This This person can be sound Since sound kind of retarded

Since times You know a bomb That's on like Throwing myself out Basically on that path With a lifestyle I leave Which is a very fucking healthy lifestyle You ask me

I'm sorry You know A little bit of a lifestyle You know Being down pastries all day long So there's a cigarette every day Drink champagne Tapping

Doesn't work out Plays bridge I think I have to be talking healthy That's my own sibling We grew up in the same house That's her sister Yeah Yeah

And then Yeah You can just count And then here's my dad So everybody sounds different You know Same house The different lexicons

So What How did Maria start talking like this Because nobody in your house Great question I know Yeah What's her cadence

And her thing from This is why I like Mysteries And show See we can investigate now I think it is the Like you said Some type of cultural marker

I think it's trying to Belong I think somebody initiates And then other people go I want to be like them I want to be in that group I think it probably Goes back to

The origins are probably Just you know Everybody tries to Usually socially Climb the ladder In middle school And if A popular girl's like

Yeah Then other girls are like Yeah I talk like that too Can I tell you Nothing makes me happier When you make fun of your sisters And you do their voice

Yeah It makes me It makes me laugh All the time You're like You need to do the laughs They do their They have their own thing

Oh my god Seriously I think you're right I think like It's like what the Popular girls are doing Right And like

So a girl who doesn't speak that way Goes Well that's how the popular girl speaks You know Yeah Because It's like What do you say it's called too

Vocal fry I heard something on NPR about it It's called Fry It's like That When they do

That And it's It's just a trend right now And it does make you Sound incredibly stupid If you talk that way Yeah It's a very L.A. thing

It's a very L.A. There's an epidemic in America Epidemic It affects Young women Young women And that is Vocal fry tones

Yeah There it is It's gross Hi So What's going on This country Is something

That really irritates me And that Is vocal fry tones Especially heard With young teens Or people in high social groups No Stop it

Hi I'd be normal here And I'm going to talk a little bit About vocal fry tones Vocal fry tones are Actually a vocalism That will allow people Especially baritones and basses

Who want to sing really low tones To be able to get those out You'll hear them In some really low bass parts How you get it Is by Allowing small puffs of air To flow through your vocal cords

Unfortunately It's become some sort of Weird maw A mode today To show your affiliation With basically an in-crowd By Especially women

To use these vocal fry tones And it is not good for their vocal health This is this preach That's interesting Their vocal health Or Just letting people know you're not stupid Yeah

So it is what the cool kids are That's how the cool girls Are talking right now Yeah, I mean, let's see Online says The vocal fry register Also known as pulse register Pulse phonation creek

Jesus Glottal scraper Is the lowest vocal register Is produced through a loose Glottal closure Which will permit air to bubble Through slowly With a popular rattling sound

Jesus Christ Sounds really technical For dumb bitch speak, huh? Somebody really put some thought Into that Yeah, that is It is saying that it's An article here

That says Is the hot new linguistic fad Amongst women Yeah Let's see According to this thing here This is a great example Of vocal fry

Hmm Let's see This is why we don't make as much money As dudes It's shit like this You sound so stupid Who's gonna hire you? Who's gonna hire you to represent them in court?

I'm gonna be your attorney today Yeah I'm your doctor It is So when I applied to work at NASA We're gonna do like surgery It's called open heart surgery Yeah

It's of young women NBC's chief medical editor Dr. Nancy Snyderman Is here to explain Explain away because I've never heard of this Well, it's a new term, man A lot of people I think Probably haven't heard about it

But you've probably heard it many times And that's where there's this Low pitched vibrato sound But what does it come from? And what does it mean? Well, that's what we're gonna take a look at today It's no surprise that what we see in the movies And on TV can influence our style and fashion

But it doesn't end there For years, what we hear has influenced the way we talk As if There you go Whatever These familiar vocal patterns quickly made their way Into the way women speak Shut up

And now experts say They're noticing a new speech pattern Helping into the conversations of college-age women They call it glottalization Or vocal fry Wake up in the morning Feel like PD Like this

Common in pop culture Before I leave First run safe With a bottle of Jack Vocal fry is a low staccato vibration Produced by a slow fluttering of the vocal cord It would sound something like this He designed it on Photoshop himself

It perplexed me for a long time Because vocal fry has traditionally been a symptom Of a voice disorder And I was hearing this naturally In normal conversation After studying dozens of female college students Researchers at CW Post Campus of Long Island University Found that approximately two thirds of this population

Used vocal fry That's crazy That is a crazy number Two thirds? Yeah Come on It's because Do you know who started it?

Oh my god, you guys are so disgusting I think it started with Paris Hilton And Nikki What's her name? Oh, Hilton The Hilton, no, no, no Paris and then what was her friend? Oh, Richie

Nicole Richie I think those two girls That's the first time I saw that lazy kind of talking Yeah When Paris Hilton And it's like Yeah Are we going out right now?

Yeah Seriously Seriously Seriously Seriously Yeah Yeah That's a lot

Most of the time it was at the end of sentences When a man looks for something beyond his reach His friends say he is looking for a pot of gold At the end of the night See, she starts a little bit here That she gets out of vocal fry You can see how he dips really well So why has this low-pitched animal-like sound become so popular?

It's possible that our young folk who want to sound cool and mimic the famous are perhaps using They're showing Kardashian See? Yep, you're right Yeah, she does that This is a social quality to their voice

I'm frustrating that he's so content with living separately Separately You know what? She's pure-humbered You know what is way not cool? This is when adults go and the teenagers try to do it by sounding cool

The teenagers want to sound hip as is demonstrated in this clip you're about to hear where the hipness is not as cool as it once was How do you lose your cool so much that that's how you talk? Cool stuff, slick stuff, neat stuff Totally garbage I love that the kids are really cool

Really cool kids Kids are acting cool As always, kids are looking for a different way to change the norm They always do like the news guys always like and kids are always one step ahead of us We're old fucks First of all, you know who doesn't call themselves teenagers?

Teenagers? Teenagers Yeah, teens never call- I'm a teen You never hear that Tens who try to sound cool to get fucked are talking differently now To get fucked Teen girls that have trouble getting fucked

are talking with a different pitch in their voice Do you think that's the epidemic? Some of these girls haven't been fucked yet but they keep talking with their weird horror voice Here's war Do you think that's the problem today? Is that teen girls? I think that's the report they want to give

I think they're just like these teen girls are having trouble finding dick Finding older weird guys to fuck them They've adapted a mating call where their voices fry Somehow men find it Irresistible Irresistible Melissa, do you have any more on the story?

The Northwestern University says she's noticed a vocal fry for decades Decades Pop culture may just be popularizing the pattern People you're seeing on TV they're just kind of epitomizing a trend which was really there and they're not really causing the trend

This seems to be more prevalent in females and not as prevalent in males No shit See you then I'm a twat You ever heard a guy talk like that? Very few dudes Oh yeah It's like, is this ready?

But there are guys who talks like that when you watch those reality shows with really rich East Coast guys like those Hampton type boys They said that, or the social elite Yeah They talk like that You know who does that?

In his own cool way Alan Rickman Who's that? Fucking Slythering House Fucking Fucking Oh, I'm sorry Severus

Severus Snape Severus Snape He has a very You know He started this trend The vocal fry He has a cool way of doing it Yeah

It resonates as the word goes away Oh I gotta find it now Good call Tommy Severus A light bulb A twilight box This study was published in the Journal of Voice and experts say more research needs to be done

to find out just how prevalent vocal fry is and what the long-term effects on the vocal cords may be Donuts and cookies Okay, right on there Cookies In the meantime, keep your eye out for that Cookies Low voice known as vocal fry

It's just so embarrassing to like catch someone I'm like, I'm running for president Everybody vote for me, okay Cause I want to run the country And like, I don't want to like fight wars and stuff Like the deficit and whatever Let's see if we can find some Snape Oh Severus

Severus Snape He's pretty cool with it His voice is amazing Can I tell you what's not cool about Severus? What? He got them gummy teeth That bottom row of teeth, you've seen them They're as bad as the guy that created Downton Abbey's

He has the coolest voice She's dense I've ever heard of that I could listen to that guy He needs to get that bottom row fixed I think he's done with that I think he's not going to do it He's got to be 60

Real gummy I think Julian Fellows is going to get those bottom rows done He can afford it for fuck's sake They both can They both can Fix your teeth, man Fix those chompers, Severus Trying to find it

Trying to find it You're in a movie? Can you imagine seeing those big chompers up close On the big screen? Jesus Christ Where is he? I don't There he is I beg you

What would you give me in exchange? I'm just trying to find a clip of him You look so like your father Is he trying? Yeah, that looks nice Severus S-E-V-E-R-U-S-M-A-V-S Keep an eye

It's Severus's name I mean, I think Alan Rickman naturally talks that way I really do That's his name in real life I thought his name was Professor Snape in real life Yeah Yeah There will be no foolish wand-waving

Or silly incantations in this class She has it, okay As such, I don't expect many of you to appreciate The subtle science and exact art that is potion-making However, for those select few Who possess the predisposition You hear it? It's awesome

His voice is amazing I can teach you I can witch the mind And snare the senses And tell you how to bottle, fame, brew, glory And even stop her But there is like a drag out to the I don't know if it's a little fry

But it's kind of like what they were talking about But it's just not coming from like a Yeah I mean, you can hear it, right? Yeah It's in the lower register of what they were talking about She was saying like baritones Yes

The vocal The senses Yeah, he does that Kill him The senses Plus with that English accent Oh, it sounds amazing I know, he could talk me into some shit

Alec Rickman could be like Over here on my bowl Would you let Severus give you anal sex? It's not a matletting It's that he's a fucking awesome wizard Sorcerer And he could just be like In your ass

But could he talk you into it Without magic, just with that voice Yes I think that's the key to it Yeah That's the key He could talk you into anything I think Alec Rickman could talk me into anything

Plus I do like his gothy He kind of looks like Trent Reznor Early Trent Reznor This isn't even high audio quality Listen to this goddamn voice Okay I can tell you how to bottle, fame, brew, glory And even put a stopper in death

Then again Maybe some of you have come to Hogwarts In possession of abilities so formidable That you feel confident enough To not pay attention I love it Potter I like what he says

He goes Potter Potter Potter Potter You're right, Kant I don't think he's allowed to Potter, you can't

Nope No one ever calls Harry Potter a right, Kant Harry, Potter You're right, Kant I heard it a hundred times I watched all the movies We watched all the movies Every other scene they say it

Somebody said Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Then they say it Somebody's like That's Harry Potter

He's a Kant Nope, eight movies deep I know You must have been nodding off or something You must have missed that part Was it Hermione that called him a conter? Harry Y'all can't

How about touching mine with your wand? First of all I'm still mad that those two didn't hook up Hermione and Harry You're mad that it was Well Weasley, you know Ron Weasley He's clearly not up to snuff for her

He's clearly the brains behind the operation Yeah She saves her lives a bunch Hello That's true You know What's Ron ever done? Run away

Yeah Remember when he left them? Yeah Yeah Pretty cool And furthermore We're into the Lord of the Rings now Lord of the Ring sting

And that their Dumbledore Can that wizard do anything? Because he has like no powers But then It's the worst When they're really in trouble He brought his power out How about leading up to serious trouble?

You don't wait until someone has their fucking demon on us I know So dumb His powers are like He just doesn't have any He doesn't have any kind of power What can you do, bro? You're a wizard

Sounds like you want to write a letter Are you going to write a letter? To the Council of Magic Yeah Yeah Write it to Peter Jackson I mean he made those Lord of the Farts Lord of the Cockrings

Lord of the Anal Speaking of Cockrings Are we going to talk about this finally? I guess so Yeah I guess We wanted to share this with you guys Two weeks ago, right?

Yeah, because Yeah, it was two weeks ago No, why don't you tell them what happened? I like to hear it in your words, exactly Well, every other week We have a cleaning lady that comes here And she'll, you know, clean up the kitchen The bathroom

The living room She stays out of our little studio room She's not allowed in the lobby, no Nobody's allowed Yeah, stay out of here Don't touch anything in here And then the bedroom And she'll, you know

Clean up, organize, do all that stuff It's great Makes you feel amazing to have like It's like you checked into a hotel And then, you know And then we ruin it within hours Minutes And it's also, I would argue

A huge relationship saver If you live with somebody And one of you is a pig Perhaps both of you are pigs The way my husband and I are Do yourselves a favor Invest in a wonderful housekeeper Remarkably less expensive than you would imagine

It's all obviously depending on the size We have a small place But even if you have a big house It's really worth, you know It's gonna save your marriage Yeah Because then you don't yell at each other Over dumb shit

Like, why aren't the dishes done? Who cares? Who cares? And when you think about the Who cares? The charge, you're like This is not bad at all No, it saves your time

Yeah Why would you spend your Saturday or Sunday Hours scrubbing toilets When you can pay somebody And get your life And get your life I totally You get so, I'm sorry

So I, what happened exactly? Well, when we Oh, here's what happened We're getting ready I think we're getting ready for bed Or something Yeah And you asked for a earplug

I'm sorry, what? A buttplug Right But those are earplugs I call them buttplugs, yes Because you sleep with earplugs And your buttplugs in your ear And I noticed that she had

Put them in a ziplock bag So I was like, this is great I was like, she found The ones that were laying around She put them all in here And you were like, oh, that's interesting It's very hygienic Yeah

And then you walked around I think to my side of the bed And looked on my nightstand And you were like, what is this? And I go, what? And I turn And you were holding up A different ziplock bag

And it had A cock ring in it And you said This is your cock ring? Did she put this in this bag? And I go, yeah, I guess so And you go, do you think that that's Hold on, I hear Theo chewing

Like destroying something in the next room Let me just take a look, hold on Okay I just want to make sure Yeah, sure People Hmm I wonder what she's doing

What is it? Oh my God, he braided his thorn He braided his tree thorn What? He braided his closet What? Oh, God You got to see this

Oh, shit Oh, fuck You got to pay, you got to look And come out This is on the floor The turkey The Gosh

Come on He got into his tree Come in here, you little shit You're going to stay in here now You're going to stay in here It's a bunch of little shit I can't believe it I can't believe it

That guy I can't believe it We'll tell this story after your cock ring story, obviously We're recording, I didn't stop recording Oh, okay I can't believe what just happened Yeah, that's crazy

The dog Just drug all of his Thank God, sealed treat bags out of a cabinet We keep everything in a cabinet All the treats and it's generally closed I guess it was propped open And he pulled out all the cools

All the Hennessy that we usually ration out to just one serving a day He pulled out There was everything, I heard him wrestling in there like He was eating out his Nylabones Milkbones, he had it in his bed

He pulled some into his bed, the greenies He had pulled out such a little turd Unbelievable You little gangster Always And he was smoking He was smoking in the living room You can't smoke in the house

We told him that If you're going to smoke, at least step outside I don't care if he smokes in the patio He smokes out there But in the living room I can't believe he was doing this It's crazy, but then he'll always be like Well, this is my house

Clearly, he really feels entitled It's really great We're going to have to talk to him about this later Back to your story though Yeah So anyways, the story really is about you Because you were like You mean you left this out

The cockering and I'm like And you're like, no, she knows I go, well, she doesn't even know what it is And you're like, I think she does And I'm like, no, because She's a fucking Communist import and she doesn't know What these things are

I'm sure she has no idea what it is still Babe, if she didn't know where that goes Why would she put it In a hygienic ziploc bag I don't think she knows what it is Boo-boo, she doesn't put Matchbooks Or other objects on there

You think if I go, you know what this is She would go like, yeah, it's a cockering No way No way Babe, why do you think she put it In the ziploc I think she saw that it's like Texture, like it's rubbery

And she was probably just like Oh, this is like a dental thing My God, he puts it in I put your dental Mount in this bag I think she thinks it's for my teeth I do, I think that's what she thinks I don't think she knows

So we had I still don't think she knows what it is I don't think her country Even has cockrings yet And I don't think by looking at it They're not allowed to, the embargo We can't ship them over They're gonna get them, because we're

Yeah, but we're easing that But I don't think And then she came today and you go She put away the cockring and I was like Oh, shit, I forgot So she saw it again Yeah, and here's Why?

Because I always make a point of putting away Certain adult items Before the cleaning lady comes up Just as a courtesy, like you don't need Her touching Things that we might put In our Genital areas

Dirty and disgusting I saw one time I saw our old housekeeper One time changing her sheets And she had on plastic gloves She was like, oh Oh, she always wears them, this one does too Yeah, but she uses it everywhere

She has plastic gloves on in the kitchen In the living room I thought it was because You know, these pigs She totally knows it's a cockring What do you want to bet? You want to ask her? Hell no

You know what this is? Why? What are you doing, Fifo? He's talking to me I don't know Just ask her I don't want to embarrass her I don't want her to feel

There's a way to do it How do you say in Spanish cockring? Oh, cacao ringo Oh, ringo de coco I don't think that's it Just throw it at her Throw it at her? No, I'm saying throw the

Oh, do you know what this is? And if she's like, no Is it for your ears? Just be like No, and then just pass it on with a laugh But she knows that it goes on a body part Which is why she thought to put it in a ziplock She probably thinks it's for fingers

She probably thinks you have arthritis Finger She knows it's for body part That's why she put it in the thing Because she knew it was unsanitary to leave out That's why she knows to put my butt plugs My ear plugs In the same thing

Because it's unsanitary She knows what ear plugs are She has a husband, I'm sure They don't necessarily have ear plugs And cockrings in their relationship though Really Seriously, I really don't think I don't think she knows

Why do you assume that she doesn't have a cockring? It's just my guess That she doesn't know She's real sweet Yeah, I think she's kind of probably innocent And kind of third-worldy And I don't think she knows That people put rings around their cocks

That vibrate Where the cock makes the ball bag I don't think she knows I don't think she goes, oh, that's one of those cockrings I don't think you could show that to my mother I don't think she would say that I don't She's 70, I don't think she would know

She would be like, what is this? Wouldn't know that you throw your dick through that She just wouldn't know I don't think she knows This poor lady, this poor cleaning woman Today she walked into just I mean, both of us had suitcases Opened out

Dishes from before we both went on Our weeks out There was pants We baked an egg God damn it It's an animal house Will you ask her? No

So we can settle the bet Let's settle it, let's figure it out, man She and I are very timid Around each other to begin with Just throw it out there Excuse me, do you know Should I say that, but I don't know what this is Do you know, should I ask her that way?

That's a great way to do it, what is this? And if she goes, if she gives you like a look You'll know right away and be like Must be Tom's That's it, you play You're like, what is this? And if she goes I don't know, then you'll be like

She doesn't know what it is But if she gives you just any type of look You'll be like, she knows what it is And then you can say Must be Tom's, I don't know what the hell She's not gonna give you enough For his asshole on his dick You know?

Okay For your asshole too? I missed that section of your Collection You have stuff for your butthole now? All kinds of stuff in that cabinet You start telling her to put more stuff And be like, more stuff in plastic bags

Yeah, thank you for opening this door And I should show her all the secret drawer With all the other accoutrements She's seen it, she's seen everything There's that one drawer has a porno in it I'm sure she opened that drawer You know, to put like a shirt and be like Oh, here's a fucking porno

Such assholes God She has to think there were such animals Well, I'm glad that you Left it out for a second week though That's really the nice part You learned your lesson Just put it this all you have to do is

At least make the attempt To conceal I don't like to conceal Oh no I want you thinking Cock-farts Cock-farts That's so horrifying

Oh my fucking cut Oh shit, my cut, my cut, my cut Okay Yeah Someone had to turn their volume down at work Really fast I would say, yeah Quite a few people

Yeah, a big shout out By the way to Everybody in Indy What fun, fun shows It really had a blast It really was great I mean you're gonna have so much fun I can't wait to go back

And I heard you had a fun time at the club It was great I had a fantastic week in Pittsburgh So many mommies came out So thank you Jeans The Jeans were really there So high and tight So high, so tight

Exactly what you want Just good, attentive crowds People are just, you know Getting it It's good, man, it's really good The other thing is I went to On Sunday I went to Louisville, Kentucky Louisville

Top dogs Hometown And the mommies Came out for that show too I almost felt like I could have just done A podcast to them And most of the audience would have been satisfied Yeah

Because there were so many podcast fans So excited, I can't wait to do it I'm gonna do the exact run Are you adding Louisville? There's discussion of it right now My agent is working on it Yes Working it

Yes And also I want to thank the mommies For buying Man of the Year Holy shit The number one there for a few days I don't know where I am now But you guys Thank you so much for whoever bought it

I so appreciate it And for those of you who haven't Why haven't you bought my album? Please, please Listen, I recorded it here in the Icehouse in Pasadena in front of a mommies Only crowd So it really is something I did buy

And for mommies Yeah, so thank you Bill Burr tweeted out for me He did? It was so wonderful He's a supporter of Tom And myself Really great guy, so appreciate that

Ari Shafir My powerful husband Tom Of course It's so good, you guys If you love this show If you love your mommies house And there's one thing Out of everything

Out of all the sponsors Out of all the things That is the most awesome way To support this show It is definitely getting A comedy album It's out, it's Man of the Year It's fantastic

Please go And download Man of the Year From either iTunes, Amazon Or CD Baby There are links at Christina No, it's Thousand Ranch If you know that one Yeah, Thousand Ranch

Or if you go to your mommieshousepodcast.com Thanks guys I so thank you from the bottom of my heart Seriously, real talk You hit number one on iTunes Billboard So cool Thank you

I definitely Want to say a shout out to I think his name, I forget If it was Cody Colby Code Something with a C and O In Louisville

He works there And he was very nice And I apologize For getting And butchering your name But I give you a shout my man You Jew muthafucka you Hey, do you want to open this bottle of wine?

You want to fucking party like that? I'm over here drinking coffee Sun went down Sun went down This is a Vino Tinto This is a Spanish You like this, right? Yeah, sure

Portugal Portuguese Portuguese It's exciting, right? You're handsome, I like you I missed you this week, I wasn't with you this week I missed you too, we made up for that You're gonna out me like that?

What happened? What did I do? Well, what happened was I got home We didn't bang yesterday, because we both got home From our respective road gigs We had neither of us had slept the night before So we were so tired It's so hungry

That we didn't do it, and usually we don't We both come home, and then I came home today after a long day too Yeah, I said that kind And that's what you said to me And you were angry That I can tell when you hate me When the poison builds inside of you

I had to milk the venom Can I tell you what my favorite thing is now That you're saying on stage? What? The Devil's Driveway Thanks, thanks It's probably my favorite thing you've ever said Thanks, thanks

Also known as the Tain, guys My husband calls it the Devil's Driveway How did you come up with that one? That was good You're so talented Speaking of talent My cousin Julie gave us A bidet

For Christmas And it's sitting in the bathroom We haven't installed it yet I'm a little weary of The kind of bidet you can Throw in there Do you think it's going to be hard? I don't want to be the one to do it

You kind of have to be I know But yeah, it pretty much I see Even though it's like, this is really easy I like, by the way, so that people know It's a bidet that you get on Amazon And it comes in a box and it shows you

Oh, the water shoots out of here It's easy to install Christina thinks Does it just shoot the dirty poop water? I'm like, that's the grossest Thought I had somebody put into my mind What is wrong with that?

Where would it get the water supply from? The toilet water Can you imagine a bidet That just shoots shit water at you? How does your brain function? Not brown Not the brown water Not from the dirty bowl

You know where it comes from That's what you suggested, the dirty poop water No, I meant The water that's in the toilet But that's in the back part when you lift up the lid To jiggle the thing That's the water that's going to shoot in your cooler Probably

That's dirty That's still dirty Why are you talking like a fucking fry girl now? Dirty That was more Mexican To me was more gang bangery That's fucking dirty, huh? Dirty

Gops are all bald and shit They're fucking bald Fuck Gops are all bald and shit They're all fucking bald and shit Fucking cops are fucking bald Fucking Bro

I gotta say, by the way What's up? Oh, fuck Nothing What? Is there an emergency? Because when you say it, it scares me There's like a sense of urgency in your voice And then you're like, oh, I just

I have an eyelash on my hand I said, I have an eyelash? Because you, here's what happened I'll be in the other room and I'll hear, fuck And I'll be like, what is it? What is it? And you're like, this cheese is in Swiss Like it's, they're never big deals Alright, so I want to tell our listeners this

I'm only going to announce this once And just hopefully people will Understand with it Look, we get sponsors And some people have been like, oh my god You did like all these sponsors How did you know? I was like, where's the show? So we did a couple of sponsors before

We're going to do a couple more sponsors And then there's more show There's wine being poured Yeah, let's party, go pour ourselves a glass Hopefully if you listen to this show and you like the show It's something that you can Roll with because this is how we're able to do this show But I do promise you this

When we have a lot of sponsors We do a lot of show Is that a good trade off? I think so So that's the way it goes And that's that Make sense? Yes

Well, we're doing a commercial break You know what we need to have though? We need a mid-show Like some type of sound That means it's time for a mid-show break Like how we have All aboard Right

Or like if we have big news Like if there's a big Well no, it's chips in a bowl Oh, sorry That would be like big news Chips in a bowl Or there's horns and explosions and stuff But there needs to be something

That signifies It's time for A mid-show break Any ideas? You know, I'm going to leave this to the listeners I feel like you guys Are so talented Submit your ideas for a mid-show

Mid-show sound That means it's time for a break Yeah I mean, I'm just throwing What about What else you got up there? Alright, well, here we go, man Get your little life

Is this that guy from last week? Yeah, it's Pies, man Yeah He's got a lot of cool things to say Yeah, he talks about a lot of cool stuff You like him? Love him Do you understand what he was saying there?

Okay, so let's walk through it Yeah, I like when we break down When we play the game where you try to understand What people are saying It's something about if a vagina If it's too wet Yeah, yeah, yeah Then your penis is a chicken McNugget

Well, he said that His friend Was bragging to him That his penis was so wet That he kept falling out And he was like, man, don't say That you keep falling out If you're falling out, it means you got a chicken nugget

Like that You understand now? See if you can hear it now You chicken nugget Yeah, I can relate to coming out a lot Excuse me You got a chicken nugget Yeah, I got a chicken nugget

Yeah, this guy has like He's got amazing Maybe I should have him on that steep row He would be amazing I don't fucking know They show getting high around criminal time, man Ha I'm sorry?

What? Nope No clue None I have no idea what he said That was fucking amazing You know what that was? That was like the part in airplane Where she's like, excuse me sir, I speak jive

Yeah, I have no clue I gotta tell you right now I don't know what the fuck he just said I don't know what the fuck He just said That was crazy Do you want to try to God damn, that was crazy

Yeah, that was like deep Is that Southern? Is that like a deep Southern thing? Uh, yeah, it's one way of putting it Uh Hey, I'm talking like some yummy Wait, but he is Southern, right? Because he sounds like the guy from Outcast Yeah, I think he is

Yeah, I think he is, god damn it I think he's Is he from Atlanta? He could be Yes, it sounds a little like that Because Andre 3000 Kind of has that, y'all He's born in Fort Myers, Florida Let's see where he came up

How about Fort Myers? Okay, Fort Myers Alright, let's see Early life Born in Fort Myers, Florida Grew up in East Dunbar area Fort Myers Played at Fort Myers High School

He was born in the Homecoming King And was named the best dressed student in his class Oh my god, he intended Miami University What? Wait, is this Miami University usually implies Ohio University of Miami implies

Huh, well I guess this says Yeah, it is So he's from Florida Right, but Miami University Is In Ohio I did not know that I didn't know there was a Miami University

In Ohio That's crazy Really? Yes Yeah, that's where he went But it's different than University of Miami So he went up to Ohio

And Let's see He attended under the name Nod Washington What? Alright Okay, because his name is Alginot Okay He's a college graduate He then transferred to University of Florida

And dropped out He played football there But he's He's a Florida guy He's got some college education You wouldn't know that Judging by the content Of his material

I don't know if that's entirely true Well Let's see You want to go back to that first clip though Because I really don't know What the fuck he's saying I'd love to Let's see what he says

Oh That criminal time is Christmas time Criminal time It's Christmas time Wow You caught that man Criminal time You're right

I don't know if they show Getting out around criminal time I don't even mean to butt me But if I ain't wrong Yeah, ain't no criminal What criminal? Criminal for kids, family being wrong And getting rolled

We have to start over again I'm totally lost It's so great Let's see what the next one says I don't understand what's happening He's just giving you his thoughts on Christmas time I did not I thought it was

Criminals and Bubba's And it's for the kids You didn't hear that? Criminal time I don't even mean to butt me But if I ain't wrong Ain't no criminal What criminal?

Criminal for kids, family being wrong And getting rolled I heard him go Kicking me in my butt Kicking me in my butt Kicking me in my butt He didn't say his plies He's tired because he just robbed the cabinet

He's ripping He snores like an old man Is that St. Jean's? No, we finished St. Jean's I didn't like St. Jean's It's a little too sweet Sourness Real talk

You like these You like them There's one from Whole Farts That I've been getting I'm sorry I don't understand what's happening It's all about Christmas Let's try

I'm going to write down some notes One more time, let me write down some notes On what? I'm stuck on it Yeah, it's Christmas time Yeah, it makes sense It makes sense Motherfuckers know they show

Getting out around Christmas time They sure are getting out around Christmas time Motherfuckers are sure getting out Around Christmas time The motherfuckers are Yeah, people Oh, but not the motherfuckers Which are like bad people

No, just people I know they show Getting out around Christmas time I don't even mean to butt Me or be a bubble butt Only me and the bubble butt boy I don't mean to be nothing but a bubble boy Wow

Wow Wow, how did you even hear that Bro You gotta listen, man How did you fucking Only me and the bubble butt boy I don't mean to bust anybody's bubble butt My head is blown

My mind is blown You heard that Motherfuckers know they show Getting out around Christmas time I don't even mean to butt Me or be a bubble butt I don't even mean to bust a bubble butt How the fuck did you get that, bro

How the fuck did you even hear that I could have listened to that A hundred times and never deciphered that I mean, I'm from Florida You know what I'm saying That was some real talk right there What's up four miles? What's up, Deion? Time to time

If I ain't wrong yet Ain't no criminal being What criminal? If I ain't wrong, there's no criminals If I ain't wrong yet If I ain't wrong yet Ain't no criminal being What criminal?

Criminal for kids, family being wrong and being getting rolled That is patois If I ain't wrong yet If I ain't wrong yet If I ain't wrong yet Yeah It's something about

For a group that is not being mentioned If you're not in this group There's no Christmas Right, he's saying Ain't no criminal being What criminal? Criminal for kids, family being wrong

and being getting rolled Robin and getting robbed Oh, so Christmas is for robbing and getting robbed That was unbelievable I've never heard him quite like that No I'm telling you now, if you ever ask a motherfucker

question and the first thing a motherfucker hits you bite with is, huh? Don't believe shit after the huh Motherfuckers lying, motherfuckers stalling Trying to get they lie together Act as if you got a little carpet burn on the bite First thing she hit me with was, huh? The first part and then she

mimped the carpet munch and then I went home Yeah, he's like, he asked the girl how she got carpet burn on her back and she said, huh? So he knew she was lying He's right about that shit Meaning like, I got fucked raw and then I got carpet burn He knew she had, you know

You get it? She had to think about the lie And the first thing a motherfucker hits you bite with is, huh? Don't believe shit after the huh Motherfuckers lying, motherfuckers stalling Motherfuckers trying to get they lie together Act as if you got a little carpet burn on the bite First thing she hit me with was, huh?

I understood that The one before this, unintelligible That first one is like, the thing is we started at like, you know, AP You know, advanced Yeah, varsity, this is like top secret clearance Yeah Yeah, AP classes

Somebody motherfucker you can't even take a pat All of God I'm sorry, I wasn't ready To take copious notes I heard Olive Garden Somebody motherfucker you can't even take a pat All of God and I swore Little motherfucker Jesse Barrett to fuck out of me, bro

I take motherfucker to a little five-star restaurant and people ask what she wanted to eat Then motherfucker said, suck, suck, suck, Sunlight some nuggets You get it? You take the motherfuckers to Olive Garden

They don't have class You take a motherfucker to a five-star and the motherfucker orders chicken nuggets You pretty much got it It's like when you hear another language and you can piece together some of the words

Somebody motherfucker you can't even take a pat All of God and I swore Some of these motherfuckers you can't even take them past Olive Garden Little motherfucker Jesse Barrett to fuck out of me, bro This motherfucker embarrassed to fuck out of me Okay I take motherfucker to a little five-star restaurant

and people ask You took motherfucker to a little five-star restaurant No, I'm sorry But this particular motherfucker is a female It is, yeah See, that's why I'm having trouble because it's like in language when you don't know the gender of the noun

For him, motherfucker is to describe any place, any person, anything or not just gender Person, place, thing Like in German, it's masculine, feminine, or neuter But with him, motherfucker is all three It's like somebody's saying

this asshole comes in and I took this asshole there Usually for a male, it's usually masculine But I'm saying in this case, yeah It's everything, this motherfucker Motherfucker could be a dog 100% Asked what she wanted to eat, then motherfucker said

Sunlight some nuggets What's that? Sunlights and nuggets? Sunlight nuggets What's that mean? Sunlights and nuggets? Sunlights and nuggets Sun...

Lacks some nuggets? Or maybe that motherfucker's a man He's saying, like calling himself I don't know, that one threw me off Hey, look it, when you go in the house and I have your lady sleep and she naked I got the panties on, they're blown I'm out

I'm very tapped out of this I got that one 100% For real though? Go in the house tonight If your lady's not wearing panties Blow on her pussy If she moves, it's because she wants to fuck If she doesn't, leave her crazy ass alone

Can we hear that again? Let's see Sunlights and nuggets Hey, look it, when you go in the house and I have your lady sleep and she naked I got the panties on They're blown, they're pussy If she moves, she want to fuck

If she don't, leave that cray that bitch alone because she trippin He said panties, I thought he said panties but that was just memory, but... She's naked, but she's got her panties on If she doesn't, leave the crap If she moves, she wants to fuck If not, leave her alone

I could really play this game for a while It's pretty incredible This is something else I wish I knew more I just know Ply's from that one song I wish I could get more of his music He's a real talent that guy I didn't realize he did that

Becky I didn't know that was him You remember that Becky? It's a sex song No Caroline Yeah, this is him, this is a while ago but this is a big hit for him

You remember this You're gonna remember this song I think sometimes I play this song and you're like Oh yeah, I remember I think this was his first big song They always have the build up to start the songs, you know

The sketch, yeah The talking I I don't recognize What does Becky code for? Blowjob How? I don't understand

Why is it Becky? Listen I don't know, this guy likes sex a lot though Yeah Becky I don't know why Becky's a white girl and white girl Is that it?

That's a real white girl name Oh, you know why? I remember Sir Mix a Lot Oh my god, Becky That's what rappers consider a white girl name Becky Dude, you nailed it

Because of the wildly held notion and or stereotype that Caucasian women are somewhat more sexually liberal in terms of frequency of encounters Random partnering and overall lasciviousness With Becky

being a popular name given to females at birth in white society One can assume that Plyce simply shows this name because of his unique association to whiteness Particularly where the female is giving me that Becky Okay, the teenagers are acting cool

Some of the white girls are more pro to oral copulation The Caucasians The Beckys, if you will A well-known black has written a song about it The black is saying that these girls are really

just suckin' on cotton I would really like that type of music sometimes If I was high or drinking and I hear this really loud I'd be having a good time It's party jam

It's kind of a jam Can I tell you what I jammed out to on the way home tonight? Becky? Not Becky, but I was listening to a lot of Prince Speaking of guys that like to fuck His whole opus is like songs

about fucking A little different level of songwriting maybe Amazing, the guys But it's basically songs about fucking But dude, remember in Purple Rain Because I've been listening to Purple Rain a lot Remember when fuckin' Morris Day

and The Time And they do Jungle Love It's probably the coolest song Listen to Jungle Love It's the dumbest song But it's also the best song you've ever heard in your entire life Yeah, um

Oh man He's incredible Prince is incredible Ridiculously talented And Morris Day Dude, The Time Have you seen the album cover by the way? If you haven't seen the album cover

Google like Jungle Love and then the album cover for that It's just ridiculous Live version No, not that one bro Are they, these live versions are really That sucks, nobody likes that Give me the studio

Don't give me no live version I don't like live versions of my favorite songs Give me the studio produced Fixed up, corrected Auto tuned I hate live That's not good The um

Ah, won't take you to McCabe No, it's all these live versions Oh, oh we oh we oh This is stupid But it's so good Oh shit, uh oh This is a jam for real This is a jam for real, right?

For sure I would dance my balls off Yeah, right By the way Are you working Friday? Uh Uh, not in the club You want to go to a party?

Jungle Love party? What's the party Jeans? I got invited to this party here Um Uh oh Oh That's the party Yeah

Oh cool You want to go to that? Maybe Just invited my wife to a party you guys Do you love this? He's pressuring her You want to make love or what? You should Okay

Oh, Caj Hide the key She realized that France by the way Is like 5'2 Yeah Not a very attractive man But because he tells you

Because he tells you Yeah I'm the guy that likes to fuck Everybody was like, that guy's hot Yeah, because everybody likes the guy that likes to fuck Right, like he's not objectively If you look at Prince statistically He's like a small, tiny

Pubic hair looking He's just a greasy, curly pubic hair But then He tells you like, I'm the guy that likes to eat pussies He's got a song called Like the pussies Like Scarlet or something Like they're all songs about pussy

Because he tells you he's hot It's amazing It's the power of persuasion Yes, swag Dude, that confidence goes You start seeing it in middle school And it goes through To old guys

The fucking guy that carries him Is sure of himself Doesn't matter if he's fat, if he's short If he's bald If he's just like, I'm the shit Somebody goes, that guy's the shit Yeah, you tell people How to perceive you

I mean Prince is like the most I mean super talented But he is not By any means If you were to meet Prince at the supermarket This guy was fucking so fucking hot His ridiculous hair All that purple

My little purple socks He wears Remember his outfit in purple rain? He's ridiculous Cowboy boots, purple boots Purple Skintight Eddie Murphy Delirious leather outfit On his little tiny motorbike

With Apollonia He was banging some hot broads back then Prince was banging everything That's all he knows That's all he knows, dude That's all he knows is banging hot broads There's no other language He lives in Minneapolis, right?

He's from, I think he's from there He's a Jehovah's Witness, too Was raised that way probably, right? I'm down, he's practicing Who knows, dude? Come on, now get your life, Prince What's that banging? I hear banging Is your knee hitting the table?

Maybe it's my chair, sorry about that Anyways, I got really into Prince this week He's the fucking man So into him, man I'm having a Prince revival He is the man So Tom and I have been looking a lot At social media

Like we always do And noticing a phenomenon Known as the adversarial Slash inspirational Post It's gone crazy It's crazy now So many people

Are doing it I mean, my initial Reaction to them Is always Who are you saying this to? It's one person It's usually one person Who you're saying it to

And you're hoping that one person is reading it I'm thinking It's stuff like about Loyalty And like People telling you you can't It's like Know when to say goodbye

To people and let them out of your life Yeah It's time to let people go Yeah You throw me To the wolves, I'll come back A pack leader Who are you talking to, bro?

Can I read you one of my favorites? I won't say who this person is But especially on Instagram It's kind of weird that you're putting up inspirational quotes On An app that requires photographs It's just for photographs, bro Okay, here's one

This girl's my favorite Adversarial slash inspirational quote Ever It starts off And one day You're gonna come across a queen And it's all in caps Her stance will be different

Her presence will be felt She will captivate you Watch And that's for him or her? Someone's her Yeah What do you got? You got a good one? Oh my god

There's no, there's nothing that There's nothing Someone can't tell you to do If you make it already What does that even mean? Let's try to Go ahead Here, I'll look for another one

Yeah Just do whatever you want Those are the ones like There's gonna be haters People that say no But none of them matters Just do what you want to do This one's my favorite too

By the way If you are I'll just read it and then I'll comment Let's be clear on something I'm not single because I have to I'm single because I'm not a broke drug dealer Mal Jigelo

My mama live with me I'm not with her I'm just living there for my kids Start an argument with me to go mess with sis Follow me I got news for you You're single because you have to be

Because nobody wants to be around you And you know what Repels men Is quotes about being single God It's just growing It's just getting bigger and bigger This whole movement of like

This inspirational adversarial It's Just be yourself And don't, if someone doesn't like it Then tell them to fuck off Maybe yourself is a real asshole You know It's so great

Maybe yourself isn't so good Man, that thing is just It's exhausting I just keep going like who are you fighting If you don't take risks You will always work for someone who does That's actually true There's truth in a lot

There's truth in all these things They're not invalid but It's a real sign that you're out of your mind You're crazy You're crazy You're a crazy person You're fighting someone that's not there Yeah

It's really about do it Do it if you want to do it Just know You're doing it for you Nobody wants to fucking fight you No one's out to get you Yeah, who's out to get you You're just showing people that

Your shit is a fucking mess You're trying to get into a relationship You're trying to get into a job You're just saying I'm a little Fucking loony Especially when it's the ones that are like You think you can hold me down I'm gonna

Come back stronger than ever You pushed me down before But now I'm back Bro, can I tell you something Most people are so obsessed With their own lives Everybody is We're also concerned with our own lives

Nobody's out to get you You're out to get you You're the only one in your fucking head It's true Can I tell you girls if you're looking for A boyfriend or husband do not post these quotes Am I right Tommy? Definitely

If I was single and I saw that I'd be like wow She's uh You know You know that the person is dramatic And that they're highly Reactionary type of person I remember talking to a girl on the phone

And like Third, fourth phone call Saying like I don't like when people Drink too much I don't like when people Use certain curse words You know what I mean And just like all the

The preemptive Here's things I don't like Thank you for the warning Because I just know that I don't drink too much And I don't use words You're the person that's looking for that stuff So that you can react

You're a highly reactive person Yeah man, she's setting you up to knock you down It's one of those fucking things I did not like that Now look, we both, we love dogs Here's somebody Working with a dog I thought you might want to hear

A different dog trainer than usual Here we go Today I want to show y'all how this dog He minds so good I want to show you something Let's get your dog Bring the ball and play with it I ain't got no down ball

He done playin' over here There you go, that's what I want y'all to see How good he mind me, come on bring the ball back boy Come on, bring it on right You see he working it way over this way Bring the ball back boy Bring it on back son, thank god Jove, I'm over here boy

Hey boy That sounds like sickler Don't go in that down wall I'm over here, don't go You gonna get wet? It does sound like Ryan sickler You gonna get wet? The dog, instead of coming towards it

Ran to the water So now it's running towards the ocean You gonna get wet I ain't gonna take you home Come on, he got his damn feet wet My shit dog Come on over here Jove Come on, let's show him how good you do now

Come on, right here to me boy It's not even somewhat reacting to him It's not even It doesn't even turn towards Zero idea of its owner's voice Come on right now I want you to show him how good you know how to mind me Come on

Now he kind of looked up like, are you talking? He dropped his ball in the shallow water Of the ocean I'm waiting on you to throw your ball back To your boy, bring it on back He's just studying it right now Come on boy He got to do a little meditating

It's all he is and all They have to think a little bit The whole situation Oh Jove, what you doing dog? Taking a shit now The dog is shitting in the shallow water Oh Jove, that's the nextest thing I ever seen you do

Bring your ball This shit gonna get off your ball Bring it on back Oh boy, no you're making a mess Oh goodness The dog laid in its own shit now He's laying in his shit There you go

That is amazing Peter Kane would not approve Peter by the way I checked him out He's posted a lot of videos lately And a lot of them are critical Of One

Sherri Lucas told me This is a fact About four or five months ago And she told me this several times That the dogs on that show Were not rehabilitated That there was just a smoke screen for the show And that's all I want to say

Is that's what she told me And I really don't think that I'm the only one That she told this to So you know Fuck Milan And I also want to say this That you have to sign a non-disclosure agreement To get out of there

And she said no That she was an independent contractor So I'm not getting her in any trouble So this isn't a problem But that's what she told me And everybody knows She was Milan's trainer for 15 years She did all the grunt work

While Milan was off doing Hollywood shit It's just a fact So know that That the head trainer for 15 years To me, said to me And I'm sure she said this to other people That most those dogs After the show were not rehabilitated

They were just smoke screened for the show They were just kind of calmed down for the show So that it could be edited And make it look like everything was hunky dory And it wasn't Hmm What's going on in the background? It sounded like a laundromat

Is he recording in a laundromat now? No, there was just birds Ah, Peter Cain Peter Cain Back at it Back at it, man Actually, I should say back at it He's always at it

He's never slowed down I like that he's getting more into this Milan thing I know he's not a fan There's more to that story About Milan kicking the dog until it shit on itself And that's my relationship To the trainer That we're discussing

And she friended me on Facebook Shortly after my video Don't pet your dog ass hole when viral And we became friends Telephone conversations Texts, Skype She brought me a puppy which I love Oh, it sounds like he has a girlfriend

So she was always Asking me questions Questions about basic obedience Remember, she was getting Dogs ready for a show She was not doing basic obedience So she doesn't really know how to do it And people come to her

And they expect the dog to come home And know he'll sit, stay down Well, know all the basic obedience commands I don't think she knows how to do any of them So, and remember I think this is why She friended me because she figured out I'm not associated with any training school

I learned training from my father I'm not part of the IACP I didn't know that Caesar kicked a dog Yeah, I haven't heard this story That's horrible, man That is terrible, I don't like to hear that Jesus Wow

Huh, wow It sounds like Peter's got a little love interest though You think so? They've been texting and Skyping And she brought him a puppy This is the story of This is a story that I heard about Caesar Milano It was about six years ago

And I was in the Brooklyn pet store, PS9 And there was a positive reinforcement trainer in there And she was talking about Caesar Milano and what an asshole he is And I said, why is he an asshole? And she said, well, he kicks dogs And I said, why would he be doing that, you know

And she said This is the story that she told me This is a very normal Food trainer in Williamsburg, Brooklyn She said that she knew somebody that worked on the set And that Milano kicked a dog So bad that the dog shit

All over itself And Milano's trainer at the time Was Sherry Lucas And she said that Sherry Lucas was so upset That Sherry Lucas had to leave the set That's how upset Sherry Lucas was This is true That's what I was told

And then Six years later I'm friends with somebody that is On, that was on that show And she is no longer on that show And I'm not going to say who it is I can figure out who I'm talking about And she told me the exact same story

Sherry Lucas She said that she was so upset She had to leave the set So not only did I hear it Years ago when it happened It got off the set That Milano kicked the dog so bad That it shit all over itself

That it made its way back to Brooklyn And you're like, well, how could that happen Because that food trainer is in the art world Like me, we have ties to people On TV It trickles down Artist Dog trainers

We got all these friends that work on TV There were obviously people on the set The sound man, the camera That's very upsetting That's very upsetting That's the worst thing I've ever heard They're the worst I hope that's not true

I fear it is though God damn, that's a real bummer Well, I know that Caesar, because I watch those shows I know that he For bigger dogs, he uses Muscle, like he uses a choke collar And he's always like, you know That sucks though, I don't want to hear that

Don't pet the dog The dog Is being good, you asshole Fucking asshole He does not say fucking You fucking fuckface He doesn't say fucking God

The dog The dog is being good The dog is being good Oh, you have some? Yeah man, I saved them I had some from the last episode, but we didn't get there Oh, we gotta change this now Oh no

Okay Okay, you ready? It's time for Would You Rather It's been a while I know, this one starts off With me, but I think we can interchange Each other Would you rather Tina

Eat all of the food out of the In-betweens of Tom's teeth After every time he eats Something or Yeah bro, have your nose One centimeter away from his naked Beehole every time he farts Same question for Tom

But with mommy Tina's chunks of Food and farts Oh man That's pretty good because it's really gross Yeah, it's gross God God, I don't want to eat your dirty In-betweens

I know, but do you want to sniff those farts Right there Your nose is one inch away But you floss I know that Have you been flossing lately? Have you been? Every day?

Flossed last night before bed Flossed on the road, for sure I'm pretty much a once a day flosser though Can I say that I've now moved to almost every time I eat Yeah, it becomes habitual Because I have one crown that's Ill-fitted and food gets caught there I gotta say though, just jumping

All over it I think the smell in the farts Is easier to tolerate than eating The food between your, I think that's I agree I would rather smell Because I already smell your farts And

You're just gonna be right by that I feel like I'm always in that area anyways Not in your asshole, but Your junky area What do you think? What would you rather? I just, oh man It's so gross To eat someone's food

Bits But then you'd have to smell my farts And be up all in my farts It's just while you fart And you know, all it means is That that smell is around a little bit longer You know? I choose the farts

How long do I have to be by your butthole though? Just when you fart? I don't have to be there all day Just for the farts No, but every single time Right, but at least it's for the fart And then stay there And really enjoy it

For hours No bro, it's just I'll take those farts too My farts are not even bad Yeah My farts smell like cotton candy Here's another one, ready? I love this one

Oh wait, I wrote it, that's why Get Cosby'd Once a week for the rest of your life Meaning You're hanging out with him He hands you a cappuccino But it's got a little something else in it You wake up four hours later in the back of your car

And your butt's bleeding I just added that part I don't know if that's a Cosby thing But there's semen In between your legs Or Or You work for Garth Brooks

Your entire life As his personal assistant So It's either just hang out with the Cos No, no, no, just hang out You want a cappuccino And you take his drinks And you wake up with semen on you

Or You work as Garth Brooks Personal assistant For the rest of your life It's easy But that's your career Bro, you're not doing stand-up anymore Your Garth Brooks is personal assistant

It's horrible But you're writing great books You're not signing non-disclosures You refuse to Of the two evils though He's not going to let you get away with no non-disclosure Well You're making, you're amusing yourself

Constantly, you're sharing it with somebody To amuse and you're just You're starting a podcast about everything he's done And he'll never find out about it Because he's not really on media No, of course not You're having fun With his absurdness

I really like that But can I tell you First of all, you're not Fulfilled in your career And you're a really good stand-up comedian Yeah, but your alternate was Get raped Yeah, but that's once a week

You get Cosby once a week But it's one day and then You got the six days Okay, here's how I'm working out for you So Thursday through Sunday You do your shows Monday's your travel day Tuesday you get raped by a little Cosby

But then you have the rest of the week You're really minimizing How awful it is I'm not minimizing it Here's the good news You're not going to remember much But Garth Brooks In my mind

I'm saying Let the conversation begin I'm having fun with that Talking I want to ask him life advice I'm going to be real tight With Garth Have you been a personal assistant before?

To a narcissistic egomaniac It's the worst But your alternate's rape But you don't remember it Because you're drugged I'm thinking about it My decision is over I'm settled

I'm settled I'm not doing it Would you rather be Eaten out by the vegan vagina Stud? Oh no Or that actor pretending to eat Pussy in the retarded character

Fuck Oh my god That's pretty crazy That is fucking bad I either take Ten long licks Or What is that

Of course I don't remember Because I don't like it I don't like that guy Don't play it I don't like this I'm going to take my headphones off Don't worry I don't have it I'm looking for it but I don't have it

I hate that guy It's not fair because he's mentally challenged He doesn't know what he's doing It's not fair But we're playing both so that people know What the fuck we're saying Which one do you hate? I hate this clip that you're about to play

I hate them both Why is your reaction like this? I don't like the retarded one He's an actor He's a not retarded actor But it's the retarded character You hate me outright Listen, would you rather

Be Eaten out By Or the actor The actor, okay In character though But he's in character I know, that's why it's a great would you rather

You gotta give credit She's pretty Nope, not listening to this Not listening Much Who could play him That's poor like you She showed me her clip

It's pink and sensitive And sometimes it hides on you And you have to fight it with your tongue Like this Okay, will you stop with this nonsense? I hate it I choose the vegan vagina guy Because I feel like I was taking advantage

Of an innocent child You know It's the actor It clearly says the actor But he's pretending to be married Challenged, I can't So you would rather fucking I love

The vegan vagina Yes, the vegan vagina guy You would be able to have somebody go down on you Who is pretending to be Mentally challenged It's so exciting I'm so aroused at the prospect That I have an erection

Thinking about the possibility You're so stupid Potato, potato, retarded, retarded Retarded, retarded I mean to me it's so cool That it's like I'm not having a retarded girl Blow me, but a girl who's not

Pretending to be retarded And giving me a blow job is so exciting But you couldn't I would love for you to do it That is so stupid Like I'd ever, that's so dumb Well, I love the idea I hate you, I hate that you even

I hate that you even propose this Which one do you choose Oh, vegan vagina you said Please stop hitting the table, please He's a sound mind So is this guy who's acting That you can't, I guess the whole idea Is too big for you, but the guy's

Not retarded How dare you insult my intelligence I understand it But it's still not acceptable Because the implication Is that he is a retard And I don't, I'm not taking Advantage of retards

I'm not like you Tom, I'm not a serial killer Retard lover I love it, alright Well look, that's our show We love your jeans You hate me, but I love you And we thank you guys for listening Please support

All of our sponsors, me undies Stamps Satva and Squarespace And of course Go to yourmomshousepodcast.com Shop through the Amazon banner Buy Man of the Year Christina Piszczicki's new

Album, it's fantastic And don't forget to visit the Store Yeah, tell Tom how Evil he is For what? For making Retarded person go down on me It wasn't even my idea, this is somebody else's

I should give credit because that's a fantastic Would you rather? It really is Who did I, that is from Chris Morkart, oh that guy Oh Chris Morkart, the artist Chris, you're going straight to hell for that one It's Chris Morkout Art So yeah, he's going to hell

Thanks Chris C-H-R-I-S-M-O-R-K-A-U T A-R-T dot com Morkout is that A-U-T-R dot com Really talented artist and I love Your Would You Rather, really good buddy

Yeah That is all jeans, you ready to do this? That's all the jeans she has We'll see you next week, thank you guys for listening See you at Irvine tonight, bye mommy Man Do people really listen to this? You

Hey listen up, this is Charo The original mommy I'm in charge here, I want you to listen to me All you niggas need to go to Yourmomshealthpodcast.com And scoop at some of that new hot chat You need a new poster, the ring Toad all that gushy shit dog

You know what I'm saying? Go to the site, click on the store Support Tommy and Tina, I got kids to fit Keep it 100 Peace God