Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 279-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 4, 2015

You figure it out. 

One, two, three. Okay, give me one second. All super quiet for a second, okay? I think the sound. All right. And... It's a Genesie kind of day. Hi, Genes.

I love this. This is Theo's. I'm sorry, FIFO's theme. There it is. Um... I love this song. Indianapolis. I'm sorry, Mamiapolis. Mindy-Mamalapolis. Come see me.

I'm gonna be doing the plays that Tommy did a while back. Morty's Comedy Joint. February 19th through 21st. Indianapolis. Mambiana. And then one night only. Louisville. Kentucky.

At the Laughing Derby. February 22nd, 2015. Please come out. I'm really excited to do Morty's. I think it's gonna be good for you guys and for me. I'm excited. And then March 5th through 8th

at the DC Improv in Washington, DC. That's District of Columbia. I'll be at the Improv there. And then let's go ahead. What do you say? Should we announce the big... I mean, look. March 15th. Cobb's Comedy Club. We're doing your mom's house live.

March 27th. The Knitting Factory in Brooklyn, New York. As opposed to Brooklyn, Australia. And then March 28th. Your mom's house live at T-T-Bears. In Boston, Mom's, Massachusetts.

That's pretty sweet. That's exciting, right? Yep. I'm excited for that. It's gonna be fun. We're gonna meet all the mommies. Yep. That's pretty cool, Jeans. You're gonna have a lot of fun on the indie Louisville run. Yeah, and then also I'm doing one local show.

I just signed up for March 30th at the Virgil here in Los Angeles. So come support that. It's like an independent room. Yeah. Super fun. I like your stays. March 30th. It is called Kurt and Kristen Show.

At the Virgil. Yeah, yeah. That's a really fun show. I've done it. Oh, you have? Yeah, it's really fun. Yeah, I like that. That's my thing I'm gonna do. They're not called alt rooms anymore. They're called indie rooms, you're supposed to say. That's very indie. What do you got, Jeans?

Let's see. Well, I'm in Omaha, Omaha, Nebraska. Right now. I'm there right now. So if you're in... It's warm there. Yeah, the great Cornhusker State. Please. Come out and see me.

Later in the month, Hattiesburg, Mississippi on the 27th and J.P.'s Lounge, Lafayette, Louisiana on the 28th. Then I have a really cool tour set up for the first week of March. I'm in Atlanta at the punchline on,

I believe that's a Tuesday, I think? The third. One night only. One night only the next night, Jacksonville, Florida the Comedy Zone on the 4th and then the next night West Palm Beach, Florida March 5th.

I just added the Ventura Comedy Club. I'm doing one night there, March 11th and then I have a bunch of stuff Virginia Beach, so on and so forth. I have a couple other one-nighters that have been added.

You can find them all at TomSigura.com on the shows page, like Salt Lake City Asheville, North Carolina and Eugene, Oregon I'm doing a show there. If you go to my Facebook fan page or my Twitter page I tweeted out the link. It's on pre-sale now.

There's a password, which is comedy. So, hope you can make it to one of those. How about that, Jeans? Let's do this. Here you go, Jeans. Let's see.

That makes no sense. That makes no sense. That makes no sense. God, I can't believe they had to get in one. We had to get in one. Why? This shit is big time.

Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With TomSigura. And Christina Pajitzis. Christina Pajitzis. Welcome to your mom's house.

Wow. Yep. Trying to think up some cameras. Maybe one day this will be uploaded to something. That's really exciting. You figured out the camera situation. Yeah. Sort of.

It's an ongoing struggle. What do you think of that? That does not make sense. That's what she sounds like. That makes no sense. That does not make sense. She sounds like the South Park guy. That makes no sense.

That does not make sense. That makes no sense. So fucking pissed off. Why is she fired up? They lost the Super Bowl. Seattle, the Seahawks, they lost. I thought they won. Who are they playing?

New England, the Patriots. How could you think they won? I thought for some reason that's the team that won because I heard that word more. Which word? The Seahawks. What? So why is she fired up?

Why is she fired up? Because they lost and she's super mad. She's upset that they lost. Because they ran one of the all-time dumbest plays ever to end a game. Which was? They're on the one yard line. It means they're a yard away from scoring.

Do you understand that? No. It's three feet. I know that. They're three feet away from scoring. They have the best guy at scoring. That's where you start that play. That's their starting point.

So they've driven 99 out of 100 yards. They're one yard away. And then all they have to do is go one yard. And then they'll win the Super Bowl. So most people would run the ball.

They especially should run the ball. Meaning play it. Meaning don't throw it. Just hand it off to a guy and he runs. And they have the best guy at that position. The best runner. All they have to do is give it to him. And they have a good shot at scoring

because how far does he have to go? The three feet. That's right. One yard. They threw it. And the other team caught it. And that's how they lost the Super Bowl. And the worst part was that their coach afterwards

instead of just admitting how stupid that was he tried to defend it. I was like no it was the right play and everybody was like yeah. So this lady was watching that play and she's just walking around.

God I can't believe they had to get in one. We had to get in one. Why? Yeah. She's upset. Yeah. She sounds like the lady who also went you make my pussy drop. Gee. I thought that's who it was at first.

And she was talking about her veg. That was one of the most. So they wanted to throw it to another guy for three feet. They wanted to throw it. It happens but if you look at like the common common sense

and just like the norm for calling plays from a yard out. So you can say well yeah that's why they called it because everybody would think you're going to run it so then throw it. But given how much time was left in the game given that you're a yard away from winning a Super Bowl.

Most people I think would go let's try to run it once and then if that doesn't work out maybe throw it then. But they went for it and they lost. See I would have just thrown it. Why would you have thrown it? Just because from my years of playing

professional football. You make my pussy drop. It's only three feet that the ball has to go. So just throw it man. You think like the coaches that called the play man that's how you think.

You're a professional. They should have hired me to play on that team. I agree. I agree. So were you happy that the Seahawks lost too? I would say I was happy. I was happy that I saw a great game.

It started slow and then it kind of it progressed into a better game by the end of the first half it was remember I was like I was kind of not into it and then I go this game just got good. So it became a better game and I think if you're not from

either area you're not a big fan of either area or either team then all you won is a really good game. And it was a really good game. And were there good commercials? I know people like the commercials. It's one of the best commercials of all was only aired in Columbus, Georgia. Mike Jones you remember Mike Jones?

Who? Columbus, Georgia. It's your boy Mike Jones. And if you're ever in a situation ever in need all you got to do is call my lawyer Mark Jones. Mark Jones? Who? Mark Jones? Who? Mark Jones. And he going to get you right. Whatever it is.

That's right Columbus, Georgia. If you need legal help, Mark Jones is your lawyer. Tell him Mike. I already told you. My situation is straight. I need to do the same. That's terrible. That's so sad. It's pretty bad.

But he was, he had a moment. He was, I'm Mike Jones. It was good. Yeah, yeah. And then... That's over. The moment is over. One of these days Tommy and Christina

are going to be doing a lawyer. That's really bad. Do you need to make brown? Do you need to make brown? That and when you do regional kind of, as seen on TV products, like... My elbow hurts, my wrist hurts.

That's Chuck Woolery right now. It'll be like a football player that's not super famous. Kind of famous. You remember me, I used to play in the 70s. My wrist hurts every day and then I got the wrist strap. And then it shows him he puts it on. It's like shot kind of poorly.

It's not like high def even. He's like, get you one too. And then it has the website. This is pretty bad. Ikky Woods is doing ads and I know you like him. I like the shirt that you have of his. Yeah, well he's had that one that's been airing a lot that's great for,

I think it's a Geico ad. And then they gave him like another spot during the Super Bowl, which was really cool too. That's rad. Yeah, I'm happy to see it. It's sad to see those guys that played for so long and they're all retarded now. Is that the official diagnosis?

They're all retards. Yeah, they're not retards. They're all retarded. You just play football and go retarded and shit. Retarded. You can hear the da, retarded. No, retarded. Retard, please.

Retard. Yeah, so that was pretty cool, man. That was a good game. Most of the ads kind of sucked. But there was some good ones. I had Kitty Perry heard her and her tits flew in on a comet.

She wrote a pony or something. Did she sing? I didn't watch the halftime show. That's when I came in to hang out with you. Yeah, that's true. Last year was the who, I watched that. I guess she did all right. I don't know there were some weird people who were

making fun of the sharks. She had like shark mascots on stage. I didn't watch it. I could not care less. Yeah, that's pretty stupid. Yeah, I don't give a fuck about the halftime show. People really go nuts for that stuff. Well, it's an amazing opportunity. If you're doing the halftime show and you think about it,

185 million people watch it on TV, Americans do. Sure. Many more around the world. But just in America, I'm sure her albums saw a crazy spike. Not like they needed one. Yeah. That's a huge, huge thing to do.

We should, you know, we should do stand up at the Super Bowl halftime. Just a type 5? Hey guys, who likes football? You guys like football? You would be their favorite for sure. Guys, I'm a huge fan of football. Everybody knows.

Do you know that MIA is in a huge trouble because of her Super Bowl appearance last time? Yeah, that was stupid of her though. I gotta say, I defend artists and doing whatever all the time. But that's so dumb because you know what the agreement is.

You're doing the Super Bowl, you know it's like this is like network TV, super clean. And she fucking gave the finger to the can. What are you doing? How are you going to defend that? You know what you did.

You know what you signed up for? It was really part of the performance and it was an integral part of the song with no statement. They suit her balls off, right? They're still in it with her. I think she's still fighting it. Can I tell you what it reminds me of?

Downton Abbey. Where that lady who likes Branson the teacher she comes over to Lord Grantham's house and insults Lord Grantham at his own dinner table. Even in the end, in this last episode

when she was like, don't you despise them? Despise. She's an asshole. They got me good. I thought he was going to take off with her for a second. No way. Give up that house. You're in a cunt now.

You've always been in a cunt. The only thing that's going to change is you're going to become an even bigger cunt. Wait a minute. Nobody said that in Downton. They did. They said under the stairs. Under underneath. Really exciting season of Downton.

A lot of stuff happening. Can I tell you what always bothers me and you brought this up that I say it a lot is that they... I hate their posture on that show. I can't imagine never... I mean, look at me right now. I'm practically laying down when I do the show.

I could not fathom sitting straight up that whole time. I hate it. I'm sitting back and leaning to the left. The dog puts on too much weight. He's like... Yeah, like when his belly lets the lower legs

kind of spread out. When Fifo sits down, his lower legs are like... Yeah. That's how I feel too. How about you can finally see my face? So crazy. Huge revelations in the sagora home. I got over it, man. What happened? What was your breaking point?

You know the great... I grew the beard out so thick that I forgot where my face was. Because the beard looked like the face was out to here. I was like... How much face is there? How much hair is there?

I trimmed it twice. Each time I felt like I took an inch of hair off or more. And I finally got down to this. Feels good. I feel like a fish dog again. Groomer has it. Well, you felt like a summer dog in the winter time. Yeah, I needed it though.

It was way too much. It was way too crazy. It was so long. I would pull your beard and it was all hair. And it was thick. It would retain water and shit. It would stay wet. I was in hotels. I was using a hairdryer after showers.

But before a shower, I used to dry it down. The one thing I will miss is hiding cheese in your beard so Fifo could eat the cheese out of your beard. The great thing about a beard, you can always grow it back. That's not the end of the beard road. This is not the end of the beard. This is not the end of the road.

I didn't do a clean shave. I still have a beard. It's like a short beard. It's like a summer beard. It's a short pants. He's wearing his show up pants. You're wearing your show up pants. You're down to pants. I like that.

I can't believe Cora is having kind of a little trust maybe. Not really. Cora. That's my grandson's wife. Hello. Wherever we could remember his name because we always call him Lord.

I thought it was Kevin. Kevin Grantham. Lord Kevin Grantham. There's no Lord's name to Kevin. Yeah, of course there are. Lord Kevin Grantham. I studied all that shit. Most there is Kevin.

Yeah, there's Kevin's and Todd's. Todd, I believe Old Martin. Craig. Lord Stephen. Those are good white Anglo names. There's no Lord D'Artanians. Oh, I'm sorry.

Which water is this? That's brackish and old. That's the old water. That's new water here. New water and old water. That's what a dog would drink out of. It's old and brackish. I wouldn't even drink that shit.

I'm gonna go get some water soon. Yeah, I like seeing your face. I missed it. I forgot you have lips and you have a chin. Dog lips. You know what's real important with bros and dudes?

Man, you gotta really watch that beard line. Yeah. Because I've seen a guy, I've seen him, I've seen this guy, he shaved his beard line right under the chin. I wanted to get me to do that one time years ago and I was like,

why does he describe it? Then I was like, oh, it's because he's white trash. He didn't have a beard, but he was like, you know what a cool beard is? He wanted me to dip it down real low here. Oh no. You can't do that.

No, it's total white trash. Total trash, bro. You always gotta look at the stylist. If that stylist looks cool, you're gonna look cool. You always look at the source. Yup. It really works. I got a summer dog haircut.

You do. We didn't even talk about it because Bronger was here last time. I cut my hair short too. Here's what I like. It's just kind of feminine and soft. It's like an inch long, just kind of spiky. I like to wear sandals like, you know,

the leather strappy sandals with socks too. It kind of compliments my hair look, my new look. What do you think? I think your hair looks not that good, but it looks pretty good. That's the ultimate, that's the ultimate I've given up mom

haircut. What did she say? Short and real spiky. The short hair. The Kate, the John and Kate Plus 8 cut. Early Kate. I think she's grown it out now. That's like the Midwestern mom.

Yeah. Burdall. Yeah. My beard's looking fresh. Are you going to go shorter next time? No. This is the short I want to go. It's just above the shoulder, it's right there.

It's a bob, it's called a bob. You should bob it more where it goes in like this, kind of hugs the face. Why don't you shape it like that? Because that's a mom bob. Bro, that's my nightmare. That's what you're about to do. That's so fucking lame, bro.

I brought a picture into my hair stylist to Ellen Martinez, right? All's all, don't make me look like no mom, dude. I showed him a picture. No, I showed him a picture of Heidi Klum, because she's got shit of mom bob, it's some picture. I was like, please don't give me that shit. That's my fucking nightmare, bro.

And he was like, yeah, bro, I got you, bro. He didn't, he gave me like a cool bob. Yeah. And you're like, bro. Yeah. What was that from? We got a bunch of cool stuff that came in. Okay.

Sounds like she has maybe a little vocal fry going on. Yeah. I gotta tell you, we got so much feedback from you guys on vocal fry. I really touched a nerve with our mommies. People really want to talk about it.

We even pulled this from, what was this? NPR? So yeah, I don't know if this is the original piece I had heard, but somebody was kind enough to send in This American Life with Ira Glass, episode 544. And in it, he discusses

how they get hate mail at NPR, because a lot of the younger female correspondents, a lot of them talk like that. He's like, yeah. And it's interesting, because Ira himself has vocal fry. Yes.

I put together that Garth definitely has it. Yeah, you did, you noticed that. Listen to how he says that, okay? I like that. It's fry. I really like that.

Listen to this last one where he says, let the conversation begin. It's really heavy. Let the conversation begin. Here he is talking about it. How can this American life have this on the show? It escapes me.

If you have no idea what this is about, here's a clip of Hannah. And Thompson kept hearing that term school to prison pipeline. Okay, here the way their voice kind of creaks on the word pipeline. That's vocal fry. It's not just Hannah. A man wrote this in November,

quote, vocal fry is growing fat among young American women. Meekie meek provides a vivid and grating example of this unfortunate affectation. Meekie by the way, sounds like this. She'd never experienced anything outside the church. And she basically checked out on Will and the Kids. Somebody wrote us about this.

That's heavy. And she basically checked out on Will and the Kids. Eagle, who's been on her show many, many times, now co-host the NPR science program in Visibilia, quote, perhaps Elise could cover the vocal fry epidemic. It'd be really interesting to hear her take as she is clearly a victim herself.

For the record, here is Elise. Because Roxanne was the only one supporting her young daughter, she had to be able to work. Elna Baker, Mary Beth Kirschner, star. Ira, it seems like these young girls having trouble getting fucked are talking a lot in a very special way to entice guys to fuck them.

Ira, do you have any more on it? Early kind, you'll waste shot. When investigative reporter Susan Zalkind was on our show last year with the story of the FBI shooting a man connected to the Boston Marathon bombers, she sounded like this. But Ibrahim also got arrested for beating

a guy unconscious over a parking space at a mall in Florida. A woman wrote in, quote, the growl in the woman's voice was so annoying that I turned it off. A man wrote, quote, listen, I know there's pressure to hire females, in particular young females just out of college.

They're likely to work for less money. But do you have to choose the most irritating voices in the English-speaking world? I mean, are you forced to? Or maybe, as I imagine, NPR runs national contests looking for them. Jeez. Yeah, they were...

Well, here's what they go on to say in this piece. If you want to listen to it, it's on This American Life. Episode 545. Yeah, well, 545, yeah, sorry. And basically, it goes on to say how it's not just girls who do this, but guys in this generation as well.

Definitely. But the women get more crap for it. Because it's more obnoxious coming from women or because it's sexism. Who knows? I really like that. He's got a vocal... What do you think? What do I think? About vocal...

I think it's super annoying. Maybe I might have it too. Yeah, I'm sure we both do. One of the ladies was saying how if you're older, if you're 40 and up, you hear that and it's like grating. But to younger people, they're so used to it,

it's seen as... Either way, I think you see it as an affectation. But the younger people go, it's a familiar affectation. Whereas if you're older, you go, why are you doing that? Why are you talking like that? They get fucked.

You know what? Sometimes young teens can't get fucked. They have to do stuff like vocal fry. Young teens having trouble getting fucked are speaking in a horror voice that they're hoping will lure some cocks their way.

Yes, sir. That's nice. That's not vocal fry. That's not vocal fry. How does this girl literally... That's another one that kills me. I'm doing a hair care routine

or tips on growing your hair longer type video. She's doing a longer type video. She's drawing out the... Going up on the end. I think the fry is down longer.

It's to go like that. It's to be longer type video. She's doing longer type video. I am doing that today. Today? Let's just get into it. I'm going to start with a background.

Background on my hair. Please give us the background on your hair. Let me show you how long my hair is. You guys probably know. Let me just back up. This is my hair.

She retired. I'm wearing a maxi dress right now. It's awkward to know how long it is. This is my belly button. I weep for this generation. This is my hip bone.

It's past my hip bone. It's at your pussy. It's at your pussy. Your hair is in your pussy. If your hair grows down past your pussy. Why didn't you just say that? It's at pussy level. It's longer than my butt.

I could wipe my ass with that. It's always in the way when I'm trying to sit and sleep and stuff. That's kind of annoying. Anyway, that's how long my hair is. The last time I got my hair cut was

Jesus. This is like listening to painting. Literally. That's another thing. This epidemic of I literally was like literally.

Everything is literally in the world of reality. It's the white girl's version of you know what I'm saying. A white girl doesn't say you know what I'm saying. Literally. We walked up and we had dinner and we were like what do you want to do next?

You don't need to say it. But we literally were like literally there and we're literally not now. I think they literally don't know the meaning of the word literally. You don't have to. You don't need to qualify.

It is this generations you know what I'm saying? Or like. It's what like was when I was growing up. Like. I was all like. Then he was like yeah and I go like I was like seriously.

Yeah. Seriously too. Seriously. You know what they said though is that in the past the valley girl thing that happened in the 80s. If you talk like a valley girl it was seen as low and less intelligent.

Seriously. Seriously. But with vocal fry it's seen as actually more intelligent and upper class. Right. But I didn't put that together. I only put that together since the NPR thing. Yeah.

It's done amongst desirable people. Like what the Kim Kardashian Nicole Richins. But funny that the Kardashians and the NPR correspondents are speaking with the same affectation. Well it's because it's the same.

But when you think that those NPR girls would be like ugh. Well yeah. Here's the thing though. Right. You think they would culturally reject that whole thing. Yeah. Who knows man. That just shows like like literally how

infiltrated the Kardashians are into mainstream culture. Seriously. When I talked about how you sitting in the first words out of your mouth you know what I'm saying. You know what I mean. No the hell we don't. You ain't saying anything yet. What song was it Jeans we were listening to

and you're like he hasn't said anything the first line is you know what I'm saying. There's a few. But yesterday it was Dr. Dre song. We were like. Yeah. He starts it off. He's like hell yeah. And then he goes you know what I'm saying. That's the first thing he says.

You haven't said anything yet man. I think it's um. Dre day right. I think. Hell yeah. You know what I'm saying. It's like the first we'll see how if they had it in the video. My boy. Hey what's up daddy how you doing. All right.

Yeah boss. You ready to go. Yeah. There it is. Yeah. He hasn't said anything yet. Nothing has happened yet. That's how he starts. Yeah.

Hell yeah. Hell yeah. You know what I'm saying. Nothing happened. Nothing has been said. Yeah. Hell yeah. You know what I'm saying. That's how that song starts. Those are the three opening lines

to Dre day. Yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. You know what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying. Still nothing. What's he talking about now. Let's find out.

You know what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah. Now the song starts. So it's actually yeah. Hell yeah. You know what I'm saying. Yeah. Those are the four

first lines of that song. You know what I'm saying. He's a dog. He's a dog. He's a dog. He's a dog. He's a dog. He's a dog.

Remember that part? At the end the lady is just like He's a dog. He's a dog. It's really good. But I like the song. I'm a huge Drake. I love West Coast.

But that part always killed me. It just didn't seem to fit. Like He's a dog. He's a dog. He's a dog. What the fuck are we talking about? Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. What's she singing about? Nothing. What happened? Oh, I like the extended where we hear her do nonsense. Where it's just total nonsense.

She's a dog. She's a dog. Yeah. It's another one you like right here. Oh. Oh. Oh. She's a dog.

She's a dog. She's a dog. She's a dog. She's a dog. She's a dog. She's a dog. She's a dog. She's a dog.

She's a dog. She's a dog. She's a dog. She's a dog. A dog. A guy. She's a dog. Grr.

And last you thought he was playing. I'm not playing. He's not playing, he's a for real. That's my favorite. I'm not coming in your pussy. I'm for real getting out before I nut. Hey, are you serious about not coming in the pussy? For real.

Damn. Bitch. I've been in my head since the 90s. Bitch, I'm not your pussy when I nut. For real. Who says that? That'd be my favorite thing I've ever heard you say with that much ump in it. Bitch, I'm not your pussy when I nut.

For real. That's all right. That's so funny. Bitch, I'm not your pussy when I nut. For real. My favorite is the beginning. It goes clapping their hands. stomping their feet.

And then they put their mouth on me. Nowadays. A 23 year old pussy being a freakaholic. A 23 year old pussy being a freakaholic. I love it. No more. Now that I'm sober you ain't that hot. Mmm.

Don't want to treat you wrong. Don't want to leave you on. Dear baby hit the bomb. By the west coast rolls along. I'll be. Still make you get to the heels. You can get to the heels. Still jogging.

Damn girl you think you're slick. Somebody better get this bitch. I got these freaky hoes clapping their hands. stomping their feet. And then they put their mouth on me. Nowadays. A G like me can't even call it. A 23 year old pussy being a freakaholic.

A 23 year old pussy being a freakaholic. Bitch is on the regular. I put that on the G. A hustler and a player. Who's shit about this bitch I used to know. She gave you boy the head and said don't let nobody know. A bonafide crow. I had the gratter hoe.

She got freaky in your 64. I skidded in her throats. Been doing the hoes for four days. And I bet you didn't know that she could hold both ways. She ate her best friend. I left them hoes in the moat. They beeping me and shit but we don't kick it no more. Good pot hoes is feening.

They on the nuts. Pussy with a nut. Love safe. Love safe. How amazing is Dray though. You realize that that guy is the fucking most unbelievable.

Most prolific. He's been making hits for like 30 some years. Oh the guy is unbelievable. Just one might I back that ass up. First of all Eric Abadou makes this beautiful song. This is Dray. He made this song

very explosive. And then she came out with Bag Lady and they made the remix where they laid in those lyrics with this melody. And then they mixed them together. Right so at some point Eric Abadou who is a queen of guys.

It's a beautiful song. Yeah and then it's stomping their hands. Skidded in a nut for real. And you're like what? It's all like Eric has so philosophical deep and like you back lady

you better get Joe. And then how does he come up with a bitch you're skidded in your throat and a bitch I match a pussy one on. Who are you? What are you doing to the song bro? Let's see if this is the remix one. God damn it.

And it's she's so beautiful. Eric Abadou can do no wrong. Yeah it's pretty. She's gorgeous voice. Oh it's beautiful. This is brave. What a jam. Bitch I match a pussy one on.

I'm dragging all them bags like that. I guess nobody ever told you how you must hold them too. It's you. It's you.

Oh shit. Oh so bad inside. Alright so this one is not the yeah. Beautiful and but then Dre takes it well I don't know if he and then they come up with this neat, neat, ironic twist on the theme.

A bag lady right? She's a ball bag lady. That's the whole point is that he skits in her throat and he's out of her pussy winning nuts. Everybody's gotta know for real. It's for real guys. We're being for real though. We're not kidding.

That's the craziest part for real. For real. I match a pussy one on. For real. Oh man. What is wrong with you? There's another song. M.I.A. does

and it's like a rapper does a second half too and it's the same thing where it's like a pretty decent song and then he's just like come over here I'm gonna fuck you in your ass. Who does that? M.I.A. has got this great song. It's like the first half is higher and then some rapper takes it over

and you're like what are you talking about? For real. It's for real guys. I'm really out of your pussy when I'm not. I think you're tonguing my auto. Just to even it up. There's a lady talking some shit too. You want to talk some shit?

I have some questions I need help with. Sure. So, well I'm just assuming I mean okay so a bae. What the fuck is somebody's bae? They're like he my bae. What's a bae?

That's the boo. He's it. He's the one. Beyonce? I think she's the origin of it. Bae was a nickname for her.

Right. So then it became slang for referring to the desirable one in any situation. So like a woman can say bae about a man, a guy can say bae

about a girl. It's your boo. It's who you're interested in who you find desirable is bae. Who's pussy you would nut in for real? Or pull out. But you'd skeet in her throat. Bae you'd always skeet in bae's throat.

Right. I'm not your pussy when I'm nut. But are you serious? For real. This time. But be for real. I'm out the pussies from now on. I'm pulling out of pussies.

But she gave his buddy hiv and said don't want nobody now. But he skeeted in her throat the one that gave the buddy hiv. That does not make sense. Right. You're not supposed to if she has HIV theoretically you could get it

from her even if you skeet down her throat. For moral sex. If you had it and you gave and you skeet down someone's throat you could definitely give them some hiv. For sure. You probably shouldn't do that.

I'm glad we cleared that up. Also I have another question. Fleek. Fleek is like on point. Like my beard's on fleek my beard's on point. Wow. Yeah cause I get my eyebrows done

by the meanies. I go to Beverly Hills and I get to Mullen Roberts and he posed to this thing and he said oh girl you know J Lo's eyebrows are on fleek and I'm like what the hell is he saying on point. But why the word fleek does it come from something? Why does the sun rise

in the east and sets in the west? Fleek. But does it stand for something like cream? No I don't think it's not an acronym. It's just slang. It's here and then it'll be gone. I'm not the biggest fan

but you just gotta roll with it right? You can't resist change too much. You cannot. You cannot resist change. Can I share with listeners the new song I came up with?

Yeah. I mean it's a newer song that I've come up with. It's interesting because this song came about the other day in the house when I thought one thing was going to happen but then another thing happened instead. Yeah.

Let's see. Let's see if this will work. I was trying to help you out here. Bitch. I'm not your pussy woman. Is it like a live version? Is this going to kick in the layer?

No I was giving you instrumental so you could sing along. Oh is that what you want? I just know that. I don't know when to start. I can sing right now right? Wait let me think. Ready?

No you can't always shit when you want. You can't always shit when you want. But if you try sometimes and you push real hard you might just start when you need.

Start when you need. Oh yeah. I went down to the toilets to make my daily brown and I pulled my pairs down

to my ankles and when I sat down there was only wind and sound you see cause you can't always shit when you want. No you can't always shit

when you want. You can't always shit when you want. But when you try sometimes you might just find you shit when you need. Oh yeah.

You shit when you need. When you need. Sorry. Wow that's really impressive. I thought we were going to hear like one line. I didn't know you had a song written. I just made that up. You know what I feel like?

I feel like when Dre first stepped in the studio and he met Snoop and he was like oh you can spit and he was like yeah I got a few lyrics and then he was like holy shit I got a star. Well you know Jay-Z works the same way. He comes in the studio and he just riffs

and I feel like that's kind of what I have going to. But you know it's something I'm working on it's not really finished yet. I just want to see how you guys felt maybe get some input from you Tom. I'm so sad that the camera cut out. Oh man.

That could have been really something. Sorry. How come this battery lasts longer than that? Cause this one didn't get charged as long I guess. Damn it. Well you know what guys if you guys can come up with you can't always shit when you want.

If somebody can make that and submit it that would be great. Yeah. Wow. But that's perfect. Wow. It's really something. Cause I do feel like that was one of the more

inspired poop songs I've come up with. I'm just right now I feel like I saw a shooting star I just don't know how to react. It was really something. Was that on fleek? Yes. Your riff game is on fleek for sure.

Am I your bae? Yeah for sure. For sure. By the way I thought this you know sometimes we discover that we have listeners in all types of different facets of the world

game hockey game last week Predators broadcast on Fox Sports Tennessee see if you can pick up what was being simultaneously broadcast on television. Oh.

Under the hockey comments listen. You hear that? Yeah, what happened? Well, here we go. Here's another clip. You don't like that heartburner hunting faces consecutive shots in a quick series?

You don't like that heartburner hunting faces consecutive shots in a quick series? What? How did that happen? Well, I think how did that happen?

Well, they were playing porn in the background. Somebody in the studio was playing porn underneath the So it was pretty awesome. Obviously a huge fan of the show.

So we just wanted to say it didn't go unnoticed. We understand that we have a lot of fans out there. Wow. That was crazy. Yeah. Oh my gosh, that's great. So thanks.

I acknowledge you. I don't know what else to say to the person that did that. But I kind of wish I watched more hockey games if that was being... How about they're going to double their viewership now? Yeah. It's really good. Good job.

Good job, Jeans. Nice job, Jeans. Cool Jeans. This also came in interesting story that you might like, Jeans. Actually, I suppose

you might be interested in something like this. Apparently, according to the Washington Post, you can earn $13,000 a year by selling your poop.

Man, I've been waiting for this opportunity. So here is the deal. You're actually really helping somebody out too. Okay. Open biome has been processing and shipping loads of shit. Frozen stool is administered to patients

who are very sick with infections of bacteria called C. difficile. The bacteria can cause extreme gastrointestinal distress leaving some sufferers housebound. Antibiotics help us. Sometimes bacteria rears back as soon as treatment stops.

What they do is they introduce healthy fecal matter into the gut by way of endoscopy a nasal tube swallowed doctors can abolish the C. difficile for good. Finding a donor is tough business. Not for me.

Sometimes desperate people treat themselves with fecal matter from friends and family. Jesus. Anyways, here's what they do. They pay for a healthy poop. $50 excuse me, $40 a sample of a bonus if you come in five days a week. That's $250 for a week of donations

$13,000 for a year. Is there a promo code for this? It should be, right? Here's the catch though. You want to catch? You don't just have to be healthy. You have to be really healthy. Open biome's donation procedure

may be as easy as your standard bowel movement but the selection process makes giving blood with a walk in the park. The guy who runs the program said it's harder to become a donor than it is to get into MIT. Are you kidding me? That's what he said.

Shit. They actually are, you're really helping somebody out but it's kind of a big it's a cool thing that it's something you can look forward to. Maybe you can get really healthy and then be somebody who's just like

and get help people out. Why don't they do that for the patients that need the fecal matter? What? And have the direct source. Right, the source file if you will. The source file, yeah.

I love that so much. I love those, I love these drops. You do? You want to hear this lady talk some shit? I'd love to hear this. She really talks some shit. So, bitch, look at you. You're so fucking worthless

and you don't know how much I fucking hate you. You're fucking worthless little piece of fucking shit. Oh my god, he's my mom. Good for nothing. Why don't you go and fucking kill yourself now and fucking satisfy

and I don't fucking need you anymore. Why don't you kill yourself you little fucking bitch? Hmm. Hmm. This makes somebody shmackle hard. Oh, a lot of shmackles hard. Yeah.

It does the opposite for me. It doesn't make you dick hard? It doesn't make you want to get out my pussy when you're nuts? For real. It makes my pussy dry a lot. What about this one? This bitch is fucking puking on my fucking vagina. Why not?

You just puked on my fucking vagina. I ain't puked. Um. You just fucking puked. I ain't puked. You fucking puked on my fucking vagina. I ain't puked.

I'm so stupid. Oh my god. Hmm. Holy job. You just fucking puked. I ain't fucking puked. I don't know. I don't know.

That does not make sense. I don't know what's happening there. Yeah. Pretty bad. How much do you think your browns would be worth? Well, the health part might be a problem. There'd be a lot of brown, but they might be like, um. This is too much brown.

Well, how much? You would submit by the pound. I think I would get extra money, right? You would make so much money. Oh my god. Yeah. Fuck.

I really would. Brown by the pound. Brown by the pound. Here we go. Time for that mid-show break, y'all. I love it. And genius. Thank you, Matthew.

Wow. I'm really in genius work. Really good job, buddy. Really good. I like that. I really like that. You know, I feel like last night, when I was a little boy,

I was like, I don't know. I was like, I don't know. I feel like last night, we went to the sports authority and you got a pack of gum. Yeah.

And what did you tell me was special about that gum? It comes in your mouth and you bite into it. Yeah, that's true. I didn't know how else to describe it, but it does. It bursts and you get this little load in your mouth.

And then you had a great idea. Well, because you inspired me, Jeans. Two mommies, one pair of Jeans, never forget. And I thought, wouldn't it be neat to make a gum with different pictures

of different dudes on it and then you bite into the gum and you're getting his love mustard in the center of the gum. Oh, my gosh. Oh, man. Oh. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah, anything that would sell? Yeah, definitely. Go ahead, boy. Look at these shots. What's that? Oh, my God, I love that. Yeah.

So what your idea basically was, though, it's called cum gum. Yeah. And what you do is you have a gum market, but in that ever-expanding and growing niche cum drinking market, you tie them together.

And what you're saying is, hey, if you're a guy and you're like, this gum's missing something or a girl and you want that cum, you can pick the type of person you want. It has their picture on it. You're like Asian guys. And then you pop that gum in your mouth

and a little load squirts in your mouth. And then why don't we do our Shark Tank pitch? Like, you know how they get on Shark Tank? Yes. And then it's, okay, the door's opening. Yeah. And then you have to smile and you have to go,

hi, I'm Christina. And I'm Tom. And we're your mom's house. Your mom's house. And, you know, I love gum. We all love gum. I chew it all the time,

and it's so plain. Did you know that the gum business does $38 trillion a year? That's right, Tom, $38 trillion. That's a lot of money. But what if you could bite into a gum and get a different kind of flavor? Well, I feel like every flavor has been covered.

And then we wheel out a guy who's he's hard. And he goes, oh, oh, my gosh. Oh, man. And he comes all over the shark's faces.

Mark Cuban's face. Mark Cuban and whatever the other people are. Sally Jessie, roughly. Sally Jessie and fucking Mr. Wonderful, and he comes on his face. And then we go, the cum market. Wait, but you had that great pitch line before you go.

You go, because it taps into the chewing gum market, but also that the cum market where people like to drink cum. Right. There's a huge growing market of people that love to drink cum. People want cum. We don't always have access to it.

This product. Ooh, yeah, suck that cock. Oh, fuck it. Uh-huh. I'm gonna gobble it up, baby. Gobble it up. Oh, I'm gonna come on your face for all the motherfucking niggas

and statin island and Shaolin. Ooh, yeah, I'm about to give you my 36 chambers of cum, bitch. There you go. So then we go, there's black gum and then there's... There's Asian gum, there's Puerto Rican gum.

It's all there for you. So many flavors of cum gum. I feel like a lot of... You know what we can pitch it with? There's gay cruises where it's like, hey, how about a gay cruise in your mouth? Yeah, gay buffet. This is a gay buffet gum.

All the cruise lines tapped in, they said, you know, this is a market that these gay guys and women want to be able to cruise with other people like them. Well, guess what? They like to chew gum, too. And we want to put some cum in it.

Cum gum. It's for women, too. Ladies love it. We're looking for a $6 billion investment for 3%. 3% is just a share. And then the guy goes, he has to wipe come off of his face

and he goes, so you tell me your valuation is $180 billion? We're like, exactly. Exactly, yeah. But with your minimum contribution of $6 billion, you get 3%.

And we'll also lend you this guy to cum in your face again. And then the QVC lady is like, I love it. I think it's great. I love your story. I love your relationship. I can see you guys marketing this on QVC. And I gargle jizz all the time, especially when I wake up, you know?

I wake up every morning and I'm always like, if only I could take my cum on the road with me. But now I can. I can have it. You definitely can. Cum gum. Here's our packaging. She's like, what is that?

And the neat part is there's a never-ending supply who never run out of ingredients. We've been making it out of the back of our car. This guy just, he is always jacking it off in the back of cars. But now with you guys we figure we could go further.

You know what I'm saying? This is the best that we have. We just have a slave who's like jerking off. He's always jerking off in the back. But we need more than one slave to supply. We're like, look, we have this one guy who we make ejaculate like five times a day.

But he can't keep up with supply. He can't. Yeah, we need that. It's like hens. We need more hens to make eggs. We need a factory of guys jerking off. Oh, yeah, you nasty fuckers. Oh! We need a factory of guys. You're just constantly jerking off.

Yeah. Can you guys help? And they're like, and then Mark's like, I'm going to step up. Oh, blast my fucking day. You have blast my fucking day. Mark would take this idea. I see your vision.

I want to do it. I get it. These guys don't see it. Mostly because their eyes are sealed shut right now. But I see it. Mr. Wonderful, cleanly come out of your eyes. What's your offer? Mr. Wonderful, is the cum clouding your vision?

But will this make me money? Yes. Yes. He's like, what are your margins? And we're like, well, I mean, the cum costs are not very high. Packaging is not very high. What do you think, Mr. Wonderful?

That's a really good pitch. It is a good pitch. I love watching that show. I'm really into it now. But mostly because of the terrible, terrible, terrible acting of the people that are pitching their ideas.

Yeah, they're pretty horrible a lot of times. Because they're so nervous and I get it. You want to be rehearsed because you're on television? Yeah. But it's so bad. Hi, I'm Mandy and I'm Candy. And we are the Titsy Twins. I'm Mandy and I'm Candy.

Hi, I'm Mandy and I'm Candy. Oh, wait a minute. I'll help you guys. We're socks that are softer. You ever know socks are not that soft? Oh, my God. This is really soft cotton. Soft. It's so soft. You guys can try it. No, it should be. I'm Mandy and I'm Candy.

And I don't know if you know this, but teens are having a hard time getting fucked. That's why we came up with vocal fry lessons. Vocal fry. And then we talk and we help you get fucked because you can put these so dry. Oh, my fucking cut. Oh, shit, my cut, my cut, my cut.

It's a really good sales pitch. Yeah. We should be on this show. We just nailed two pitches without you crying. Nailed it. Ha! And they always say the dumb name of their product together. Let's practice, okay?

Hi, I'm Christina. Ah, top. And together, where? Your mom's house. The margins are low. So stupid. This one guy had this idea. He's like, I make beef jerky, but it's like gourmet beef jerky.

And Mark Cuban makes beef jerky, too. So Cuban's like, I'm out. I'm out, bro. You're my competition. And they're like, so what's the shelf life on your gourmet jerky? And the guy's like, basically like, you know, three days. How the fuck are you going to sell your jerky? How the fuck are we going to sell your jerky, man?

How are we going to sell that shit? It goes bad in semi-tourists. And the good thing about Com Gum is that it's fresh for life. Yep. Yep. Hey, I got this, by the way. I forgot how funny this was.

Um... This dude... Uh... Let me make sure that... Did you write back to him or something? The Com Gum. The Com Gum. What? Oh, okay. So I read an email. We were trying to figure out what Ply's was saying a lot.

Yeah. And last week... On the... On the Christmastime... And we had... People were writing in and everybody was guessing. So just to remind people... This was the clip.

Fuckin' know they show gettin' high around Christmastime, man. What? I don't even mean to butt me a bit, but... If I ain't wrong, yeah. Ain't no criminal, man. Criminal for kids, family being wrong, and begin wrong. Okay. So then we had somebody write in last week what it was.

Well, I was so focused on what he was... What he said that Ply's was saying that I left out his email, like what he was actually writing, and it was fucking... It was great. So here's the full email. He wrote Absolutely Love the Show.

Without gushing all over you guys, I just wanted to fill you in on that audio. I'm one of your big word listeners. Oh, jeez. Oh, no, don't say that. Oh, no. Why? Big words? Is that what he means? That's what he wrote. That's what I'm sayin'.

So I can decode what Ply's is saying. You guys were pretty much spot on. He basically said, motherfuckers know they get nice... They sure get nice around Christmastime, don't they? I don't mean to bust a bitch bubble boy, but if I ain't wrong, you ain't no Christmas bitch.

Christmas for kids, family, bitch is wrong and getting wrong. Regards big word from the south. I just thought that was hilarious. That's amazing. Now, wait, hold on. I don't mean to bust a bubble boy, but...

Is that what he says? Big words? Bust your bubble boy. I... I don't mean to bust a bitch bubble boy, but... Yeah. Wow. That email's hilarious.

Yeah, it was hilarious. Thank you, big words. Big words. Big words. Yeah. Then I say these words. And then I say these swears. Yeah, I swear. I swear, like fucking camp.

That was my favorite clip. Fucking camp is amazing. Fucking camp. Yeah. 17 pages. And each page has one, two, three, four, five... Wait.

Every page has 32 drops. And we have 17 pages. Can you go to the first page? I'm on the first page right now. So what's like old school? Let's play some old school drops. I'll play you the first page of drops. Of course.

Fuck off. That's Brace. Fucking camp. Then it's the dental update theme. It's the first page. Then there's the dick detectives thing. The dick detectives.

Then there's the filler-up scene. Of course, of course. Then this. Juice. That used to get dropped a lot. I've done that for the gum guys. So you missed opportunities. Missed opportunities.

That's what they would say. You guys should have dropped the gum juice. You know what though, when we do get on Shark Attack? Yeah. But that's why you practice and you rehearse and you get better. I wanna do that. Oh, I wanna do that. Dick, I'll make you slap somebody in the face.

Yeah. This is still page one. Let's see, hold on. Criminals. Then there's the top dog theme. You better get your life. Yes, Tamar Braxton. Brown talk.

I forgot all about that. Then there's Monkey Todd with the dudes. Where are we doing that? He's on the TMZ show. That was him calling into TMZ. Yeah, and he asked Harvey. You know where the dudes are at. And Harvey laughs.

Oh my god, you guys are so disgusting. That's your sister Jane. Oh my god, seriously? Jane again. Then there's horrific. There's a bunch of that. Then this. The sprinkler.

Give me my big boy. Oh, the cat. Then the president of the United States. My own damn friends. Now you know that guy ain't shit. Sorry his motherfucking got nothing on me, right? Nothing. There are white folks. And then there are ignorant motherfuckers like you.

That's the pres right there. That's from the old, I remember listening to that in Silver Lake. Yeah. More of that. Then the Cosby Jello remix. Oh, it's the bass, yeah. What the fuck are you doing? More brace. That's brace.

It's a brace philosophy. Yeah. I was going to knock her in the head one day out here beside the garage because she called me under turret. I was going to knock her in the head with a claw hammer. It's amazing. You're the man now. Come dog.

You're the man now. Come dog. And then these are all top dog or top dog and Charo. The last eight. I haven't had any butthole itch for a month. That was good. Yesterday I didn't make it. Who's that?

Yesterday, what did you do in the elevator? Put a big booger on the number one button. So this way I can spring germs out of my nose to all the residents of the hotel. Why would you do that? It's fun. It's fun.

What's that? What do you think it's disgusting? I'm just taping the sink. I'm recording it, yeah. So your people know that your father is absolutely disgusting? I don't think it's funny. I don't think it's funny.

You know what he did, right? Did she know? Don't tell her. He just said it. You said it. I didn't tell her. I cleaned it off. That's not funny.

Wait a minute. Have you ever? I don't know. What is a classic? That's the best. So much of that stuff. Remember? I love their coffee. In fact, it's the best coffee.

But they've gone to two drive-thru lanes. So what happened is I timed it. The lanes the other day it took me 13 minutes to get my coffee through the drive-thru.

Yeah. And because even though they have two lanes He really, this shit means a lot to him, man. Of course. Yeah. One of the things we talked about You could tell I was crying. I was laughing so hard.

Wait, but this is the same conversation, the dual lanes? No, this is different. You want to go back to that? Yeah, now I'm going to hear you. I'm going to talk to them as fast as they should. So from a customer point of view it's actually taking longer. And I've talked to them about that. And what did you do when you talked to them?

How would you talk to them? Well, I called the 1-800 McDonald's in Illinois and they're very nice and they, you know, I think they're generally concerned, but I've noticed this and a couple other. So now I go to McDonald's that have single lines. But you said you were boycotting?

Well, I'm not really boycotting what I'm doing. What's your business? Dual lane McDonald's, don't get my business. I only go to single lane McDonald's. Now because that one is not convenient for me I'm not going as much as I used to. That's adorable. And do you have a favorite employee at the single lane McDonald's?

Like you did at the other one? No, I haven't really cultivated a favorite employee like I did. Amanda was my favorite employee at the... What did you like about her? Maximum efficiency, okay? No, she always got the order right the first time. That's important.

And I've called her and you told her that? I called the manager and I called the McDonald's. Okay, good dad. Unbelievable. And that's a phone call with him and then of course my parents argue on one of these

and then there's the you need to wipe down. That's on the first page too. Classic, wow. So many memories. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of jeansy memories here. And the second page is a little different. Oh, ass, nigga!

Since we're on memory lane... People changes. Yeah. I have this email. What up, mommies? I'm a new listener but a big fan of both of your stand-up. This person writes, I don't know what jeans are

and it's in all the caps. Let's find an explanation. Well, Tom, how would you? Well, I mean, I've answered this question via email and over Twitter before. I mean, jeans is all.

Jeans is you, jeans is me. Jeans... Jeans is everything. Jeans are jeans but they're also everything. Jeans is a term of affection and jeans also just summarizes like, I mean, jeans is like bay, you know?

It's our bay. Yeah, it is our bay. I think the main thing is you got to understand that you want jeans to be high and tight. Always. Loose would imply that things aren't well.

Jeans should always be high, high, high and tight, tight, tight. And for low and loose, it's like, why bother living? Yeah, what are you doing? And jeans is, like I said, jeans buy jeans and it's and it's, you know, how are your jeans today?

Yeah, jeans. It's like Savard. I think the beginning of it was back in 2007. We started to call each other mommy. This is way back in the day.

That is the truth. And then it evolved into mommy jeans. And then sometimes we call each other mommy or just jeans. Jeans, can you come over here? Let's pick that up or jeans. Can I have this?

True, true. And there you go, but the jeans are a way of life. They are. Speaking of jeans, because we're both jeans, I don't want to forget to plug that we're also on How to Be a Grown-Up on TruTV. One of the most fun times we've had, and you can see us together.

We're the rare, the only couple, that appear together on screen. Episodes are Thursdays. Let's see. 1030, 930 Central, and then it says and 11 and 10. So they back to back episodes.

Back to back episodes. Thursdays. 1030 Eastern, 930 Central, and then again at 11 and 10. TruTV. You can also go to truTV.com, How to Be a Grown-Up. Check out clips from the show. It's a lot of fun.

It is. And then all things comedy was just featured on Ovation. The art of comedy, I believe. They shot right here in the mommy dome. And even FIFO popped up. FIFO is apparently, I think he's sitting on your lap during our interview, which is so cute.

It's like demanding. He told me where he was going to sit. I didn't say will you join me. You know, we've had some issues with a FIF lately. Yeah, I know. I mean, first of all, he took a shit. We let him out like six times in one day

and he would not shit, right? So we go to bed and I go stumble into the bathroom in the morning and I walk around the house and I notice it smells like dog shit. Of course, he took a dump in the bathroom. I stumbled

on top of it and then I tracked dog shit through our entire fucking house, bro. Yeah, that sucks. I'm surprised in the morning to have to clean up bits of dog shit. It's still in our carpet. Our carpet and our tile like, oh my god. Yeah, that's really something, man.

Like, why won't he, dude, it's not like we don't let the dog out. We're always letting him out. And he's just like nah. And then that little creep I had half a cliff bar in my purse yesterday and I look and the rapper is in his bed.

He stole my cliff bar from my purse and ate it. You're talking shit. Oh, hey Theo. I'm sorry, FIFO. It's Roshan. Um, Roshan. Roshan.

Yeah. Officially now that's your new name? It's not a new name. It's my gift, my birth name. Yeah, remember we discussed with you that whole Bill Cosby thing? Yeah, I know. We're gonna, I mean you've noticed we started to call you FIFO, right?

I don't pay attention to shit you say. I don't care what you call what. Roshan. All right, Roshan. Roshan. I'm sorry, Roshan. Roshan, can I ask you some things? Yeah, what's up? First of all why aren't you taking a dump outside when we let you out

all day? Well, I ask you something. Yeah. Why aren't you taking a dump outside? Because I'm not a dog. Yeah, that's shit when I want. That's shit where I want. You know, you like hey, take a shit now. Why don't you take a shit now? Right now, take a shit.

No, you ain't feeling it, right? I take a shit when I feel it. And where do I go? I go in the bathroom. Just like you. Yeah, that is kind of convenient that you shit right next to the toilet where we go. You ain't got stairs. Otherwise I would shit in the toilet.

Stairs? You want me to put stairs to the toilet? Yeah. Like we do to the bed? Yeah. I'm not going to do that because first of all you're a dog and you're supposed to shit outside. That's what dogs like to do. I don't feel like it. Why? What do you mean you don't feel like it?

I like shit in the house. It's my house. I shit wherever I want. Oh my God. You can't keep doing that, Fivo. I'm going to do it whenever I feel like it. I might shit in your pillowcase. I might shit in your panties drawer. I might shit in your shoes.

I'm just going to shit where I want when I feel like it. Is there anything I could do to entice you to poop outside like a normal dog? Yeah. Put a toilet outside. Put a toilet outside? Yeah. A little one. Like a people's toilet?

Yeah. I put some stairs so I can climb up. Yeah. I noticed that when I let you out to go brown you often stop and you get distracted by the neighbor cat and then it sidetracks you and you're unable to go brown.

Karen. Yeah. Karen? Yeah. What's the deal, man? She had a bet going on the Australian Open that she lost and before that she took

Oregon in the national championship game so she's just behind on some a couple of bets. Karen. Yeah. The neighbor cat. Yeah, so I was like bitch you're going to pay up. I ain't forget that you owe me money. She knows what's up. And you're so overcome with anger that you can't shit. I just wanted to know. I gave her a look.

I just look at her like don't think I forgot that shit. Yeah. I noticed that. You get really fired up. Well, you know it's growing on that shit every time she don't pay grows so I just remind her, you know. Yeah. You seem to have a general hatred of cats. Now you know what I did last week

because they put her food outside. I ate her food so she ain't eating like a week. That's why she's weak right now. You ate her food to make her weak. Yeah. So I just a reminder you better give her my fucking money. Right.

Okay. I mean, that's listen what you do in the animal world. I can't really control that. Don't forget that I know y'all still owe me money too. For what? For a bunch of shit. No. For the album.

I'm sorry? For the album. What album? Man of the Year. Why would you possibly get a cut of that? My shit too. How is it your shit? We all live in the same house. We gotta chop that shit up. No. You two are one person. So you get 40%

and then I am one person. So I get 60%. First of all, you're not a person. You're not a people. You're a dog. You get nothing. You get a bowl of food. You owe me the check on Man of the Year. Okay. You get a check on his completely farted and then...

Completely farted? Whatever the fuck that shit is. And then you all owe me some merch money about 9 to 10 that we had. Okay. First of all, no. Secondly, I had a cliff bar. I have a cliff bar in my purse. Do you remember what happened to that cliff bar?

Yeah. What? I ate it. Right. Now you stole it out of my bag. It was in the house. I just ate it because I felt like it. You know why? Because nutrition and energy. I do shit too.

That's for people. You're not supposed to have that. We're gonna do tomorrow. We're gonna flip the script tomorrow. Uh-huh. You gonna eat my food. No. I'm gonna eat some cliff bars. No. You gonna shit outside. And I'm gonna shit in your pillowcase. Okay. Thanks a lot, Fife.

That makes a lot of sense. Mm-hmm. We're gonna call you Fifeo from now on. It's Rashon. Fifeo. Theo Hexable is no more. We gotta make a name change. Think about it. Just consider it. You could call me a fucking

King Henry VIII. I'm telling you not. My name is Rashon. Okay, Rashon. Just do me a favor. Just poop outside, Rashon. Hook that shit up. Hook up them fucking peanut butter bars. Okay. And I might shit outside next week.

You know, inside shits. You know, you act like you're real tough and hard. But it seems like you and Tom have been really close this week. I feel like he's the main mommy with you. You like a son of me. You like him. Just admit it. You like Tom. He's alright. He seems to know what's up.

He gave me money. Gave you money? Yeah. For what? Because we're working out a deal right now in the car. On the car? Yeah. There's that car in the driveway. No one's been driving it. So we're working out a deal right now. Okay.

I'm just getting pedals made that are longer. Right. So you could drive. Okay. Alright. That's ridiculous. Now, you've also been working on some scripts from what I hear. What kind of stuff would you be writing?

All kinds of shit. I got this Victoria Indian repeat I'm working on. I got a Victoria. A big political thriller. And I'm writing a Nazi story too. That's interesting because I was looking, we were watching Downton Abbey

and you were credited as the writer and creator of Downton Abbey. Because Julian Fellow's called me before. He write every episode. I console with it. Wow. How did you know so much about Adoredian England?

German Shepherds. German Shepherds. A lot of them are European. So we talk about shit like that. Yeah. I notice that you write the Golden Retriever into a lot of parts. I convinced Julian it's important to a lot of viewers.

To have the dog have a storyline in every episode? He's like, we're showing you right. That's why ISIS is always in the opening scene. If you'll notice you see ISIS before you see any of the people. That ain't a mistake.

Alright. We love you. We love you, Fifo. Where did he go? What happened? Fif just came. Again? Yeah. You didn't see him? No. He wants our money. He wants us to have

40% and then he gets 60%. Of what? My album sales, your album sales, everything. And he wants to poop inside now. Yeah. I guess he's right. I guess we'll allow that, huh? Alright. Well, I told him he could. You told him what?

He could poop inside. You did not tell him. Yeah. We're working out this deal or he's trying to buy the car. Oh my god. We're making concessions like we both are. One of them I said you could start pooping indoors. We just got to get him stairs

for the toilet. You know what? You guys, you're undermining my parenting ability with Fifo right now. Yeah, I'm sorry. That'd be so funny if we got him stairs to the toilet. We can do it. We can do it. We can train him to poop in that

toilet. You think so? I think we could. What about using the bidet? I don't know. He doesn't wipe or anything. It's kind of nice. He took the hugest shit after eating that cliff bar, by the way. Yeah, the cliff bar.

He's 13 pounds. The cliff bar has enough calories in it for a 200 pound person to go do some shit. He ate half the cliff bar. Imagine the rush he fell after. Yeah.

Just gnawed that thing down. Yeah, it's pretty incredible, man. Thank god it was a peanut butter one, not chocolate. He's looking right at me now. Give me that fucking stink guy. What's he want? He's got the stink guy on. He needs a bath. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he does.

All right, flu. You got this another email from Mom's Strelia. No, hold on. Yeah. Hey, mommy's writing you from Mom's Strelia. We have a charity day here called Jeans for Jeans Day. What? Yeah, just wondering

do you have that in the States or have you heard of it? I find it funny. What are jeans for jeans? So I looked it up because I was like, what's jeans for jeans? I thought it would be like a homeless shelter, like maybe you give your jeans to guys named Jeans or something. I don't

know. It's like smart and final. Yeah, you're smart. But all sales are final. All sales, jeans for jeans. So it's jeans for jeans, G-E-N-E-S. So jeans for jeans

raises money for genetic disorders U.K. and aims to change the world. So basically you have these awful genetic disorders if you're a supporter of this cause there's like a day in the year and you wear your jeans and it shows people that you support jeans for jeans. Is that cool?

Yeah, so you wear your jeans though. You definitely wear your jeans. Well, we could be a part of this. Well, I think they should be giving us some of the proceeds. Clearly they're fans. Hello. It's like them and the Predators hockey team need to kind of give a plug maybe. Yeah. What the frock? Yeah, man.

Obviously, you listen to our shit. Yeah, jeans for jeans. Jeans for jeans. That was that's another good one. Yeah. Jeans. Jeans. Yeah, that's a really good one. Here it is.

Jeans. Yeah. It's good. Do you want to read um Do you want to read this email we got? What is it? It's just like some listener insight. Sure. That's what I like to think of it as.

Listener insight. Just some. Hi, mommies. Yeah. With your heavy tits that feed and we suck on those callous shotgun barrel nipples. That's how it starts? Yeah. I think I broke the Bristol scale. Like Tom,

I'm a fat hairy guy with a cock as big as a baby casket. No, I don't think you're fat. That's trying to not be so fat. No, I don't think you're fat. I eat paleo six days out of the week. But then I eat like an unfuckable

white girl in high school who will inevitably fuck and fall in love with a married 43 year old black guy with long fingernails on the seventh day. Jesus. After I eat my earned meal, which is usually a couple of burgers and fries from five guys

or pizza, all meet I try to shit it out the next day. Since I eat a tremendous amount of food at one time, I feel like it creates a semi digested food tumor in my tummy.

When I take my morning shit again like Tom the day after I do this impression of king ass ripper. I shit out these weird shit curls. They look like someone dropped peanut butter covered Fritos

in a toilet. It's a tough shit to a real growler. I eventually really take a big shit after drinking a kale shake and drinking coffee and water. Wow. That's a lot. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

That's really something. Wow. Wow. That shit sounds like someone dumping a box full of billiard balls and Shane diesel dildos into a jacuzzi.

He's really doing a lot here. Oh, damn. My theory is the junk food shit gets stuck. This is the interesting part. This is the philosophy that I am interested in. And normal shit slips

through it. So the shit curls got that way because there's a big fat shit in the way. Really, really good at breaking this down. Have you guys ever experienced this? Thanks for the free entertainment guys. If you could ask Theodore, please not kill my whole family.

That'd be great too. Love, Mark. Well, Tom, I thought this is something you guys sound like kindred spirits here. Yeah. Huh. Well, I don't know exactly if I follow his exact

you know, the shit curls and all these stuff and the Fritos coming out. But I do think there's something to the food getting stuck. Yeah. And I think I definitely get that kale shake thing knocking

out the jams because that happened to me for real. Yeah, for real. I mean, I am out your pussy when I'm not for real. So, yeah, I mean I think we all like the day after like a real bad food day. Yeah.

You try to cleanse yourself. Are you talking to someone today who he blew it out Super Bowl weekend? A lot of people did. Eat crazy food. A lot of people. And he said he stopped at Whole Foods on the way to work and got a bucket of like those fruit, the fruit basket

like bucket and he's just been eating that all day. He's trying to cleanse his system. Yeah. Yeah, look, that works. That's a foolproof system. If you want to cleanse, you got to do veggies and yeah. Yeah, fuck. For sure. The junk food clogs your system.

It does, Jeans. It really does. All right. I think we got to run, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Can I do one thing first, please? Yeah. I've been dying to ask you this.

Would you rather? Oh, yeah. Would you do a quick would you rather? Sure. I mean, I feel like you can't really just throw it out there. Yeah. I hope I didn't do this already on the show. Forgive me if this is a repeat. Okay.

Okay, so would you rather, Jeans be able to eat anything you want and not gain a pound for the rest of your life? Okay. Or stay the same age physically

like you'll still age inside and die but you'll physically look like 35 for the rest of your life or you get to eat whatever you want and not get fat and not get sick. But you'll age normal. You'll age.

You'll look like shit. This sounds familiar. Have we done this on the show? No, no. We did this in real life. I don't know if we ever did this on this show. Well, I think my answer would remain the same and that is the aging thing doesn't really bother me. So to me

the benefit like the thing that would be the most more enticing would eat whatever you want. Which I should say I do now and it doesn't affect me. I can eat whatever. I just never gain a pound. No, that would be to me

because being 35 or looking 35 forever, it doesn't like it's not something that I I feel like people that are who fear getting older would be like, oh god definitely that. They don't want to look old but it doesn't bother me. Like getting older and looking older doesn't bother me.

So the idea that I could eat really anything and not gain a pound, not change that's so much more enticing. That would be so rad. Yeah, that would be awesome. Some people actually are kind of like that. They have that crazy metabolism. Or they exercise.

Or they exercise a lot. For me, what would you take? I mean if you look the same but you get older it's confusing for everyone else on the fucking planet. Of course. It'll mess up your life in ways you can't even foresee. You could get away with it

like if it started today for 10 years people would just be like, oh you look a mate you look like 10 years younger. Yeah. You have great skin. Then your grandma and you're like, oh yeah. But I mean how about like when you hit that 20 year or 25 people are like hold up like the fuck why are you 25 years

looking younger than your age and then what are you going to do? You're going to be like, well the thing is I'm not playing as would you rather. I chose this. It just stuck. I'm sure that's come gum. That makes no sense.

Yeah I think I'm okay with aging. I would just love to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and not have it adversely if I explain it. If you look 35 forever do you still die or do you just live? No you die. Like you're going to your insides decompose.

But your outside stays. You're at the weight and everything as you are right now. Your hair length, it's like when you become a vampire. Yeah. Like that's the age. So you've got to like either get to the weight you want to be before this change happens. All the real narcissists are choosing the vampire.

Yeah I think so too. Because that's exciting. But I like to eat a lot too. Yeah all the foodies are choosing the food then. It's just split down a line. Those that are obsessed with their looks want to remain the same and those that have emotional problems

want to just eat whatever they want. That's all I want. Emotional eating. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Eating never gets old. No. What are we having tonight? What are we eating?

Well we're going to do chicken and broccolini because it's healthy. But what I want to eat is pizza. I want to order... Two or three extra larges? That's what I want to eat. But they know I shouldn't because I'll get fucking fat and shitty.

But if we could just do that bro? It'd be fun bro. Fuck. You're my bro bro. And you're my bro bro. Speaking of listen to that steep bro. My guest this week is Ian Edwards.

He just quit a major gig. And we're going to talk about that. He was a writer on Black-ish. And we're going to talk about quitting. Um... Get your tickets to our shows TomSegura.com Please. And Thousand Ranch.

Thousand Ranch. No more Christina comedy that came. But you can always like my Facebook page Comedian TomSegura. You're such a douche. I'm fucking nerd man. I nerded it out on that one. I got it wrong.

I'm so sweaty. I'm almost sweaty for no reason. You gotta go wash your butthole. Alright. I love you guys. Love you guys. Thanks for listening to the show. Be a good mom. Bye jeans.

Bye. Thank you. It's supposed to be my nigga dope. Yeah, it's supposed to be.