Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 280-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 13, 2015

Hey there dirty jeans! Wipe your face cause it's covered in vaginal juices and secretions.  If you have OCD we hope you get better, but in the mean time we'll laugh at you.  Tina has brows on Fleek! Peep them all at Damone Roberts. Plus Tommy is breaking down. Can you make that dude rest? You thought XXplosive was a crazy track? Check out this Too Short classic. We got Brown Talk, Vocal Fry, White Big Words, Plies Talk and more! Wash your filthy jeans, will you!?!

Ladies and Gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, please welcome, your mom's house. Your mom's house. Your mom's house. Your mom's house. With your hosts, Tom Segure, and Christina Tajewski. That was awesome. Yeah, I don't even know who it, it sounds like Derek to me, but I'm not sure. I like all the music that gets submitted to our show.

Yeah, it's all great. It's so rad. Yeah. Just because I can't, like I've made, you guys remember Animal Song? That was like one of my big triumphs, but other than that. Well, I mean, you kind of broke the internet, to be fair. With Animal Song? Yeah, that's one of the best songs I've ever sung, I'll tell you.

This is so stupid. This is great. Sorry. This is up there where all that Beatles should be. Yeah, right. Biggie. I'm sorry, you mean Biggie. Not the Beatles.

You can see where my heart lies. It's always dogs. I love dogs. The beach. Reminds me of some lemon solo work, you know? Really? No. It feels special already.

Huh. Really good. I'm seeing it now. I think I was in Kentucky when I wrote that. We'll see. Originally, the title was Kentucky Song. You write based on your inspiration. Where I am.

Art imitates life, right? There was a lot of animals in the hotel I stayed in. Well, look, obviously we're a day late and a dollar short on this shit. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Okay. All right, buddy. But anyways, we're here.

Lots of big stuff on this show. This episode is loaded with... Can I pitch my days real quick? Yeah, of course. Guys, come and see me in Mamiapolis and Louisville, Kentucky, February 19th. Mamiapolis sounds like Minneapolis. Oh, Indianapolis. Sorry, Indianapolis.

That's in Indiana-ma. Indiana-ma. And then February 19th through 21st. And then the 22nd, one night in Louisville. What can I talk today? Okay, so Indianapolis, it's Morty's comedy joint. Yeah. And then Louisville is...

What's it called? The laughing derby. The laughing derby. Come see me. And then March 5th through 8th, I'm in D.C. at the D.C. improv. Please come see me. I am... District of Columbia, Washington.

Well, look... Not the other D.C. Yeah. That's pretty cool, man. D.C.'s. That's what your sister hates. Yeah. I'm...

Here's mine. 27th... Well, 26th, I have a private show, so no need to tell you about that. Yeah, because you guys aren't invited. It's private. 27th, Hattiesburg, Mississippi. 28th, Lafayette, Louisiana. The third, the punchline in Atlanta, Georgia.

One show only in Atlanta. It's at the punchline. The fourth, it's the comedy zone in Jacksonville, Florida. The fifth, the Palm Beach improv, West Palm Beach, Flo Rida. And the 11th, I'm at the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club, right here in Ventura, California. Oh, my God. I haven't... Oh, my God.

I sounded like Jane. Yeah. Oh, my God. I haven't been there in, like, 10 years. I haven't been there in a while. Wow. Hang with the Gotham. That's where I'm at.

TomCigarette.com for all those tickets. You feel me? You heard me? You got me? There you go. Jeans. Yeah. Let's get into the bee's nest.

Yeah, go for it. You ready to get into this? I'm so... I'm really stoked. All right, let's do this. Here we go. What's on your face? Vaginal secretions, vaginal blood, endometriosis, fibroid juice.

So now you've got all the residues on your face. I want you to focus that you have germs on your hand, and they're already absorbed in your skin. This year is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking stands. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

With TomCigarette. TomCigarette.com for all those tickets. Christina Positsi. Christina Positsi. Welcome to your mom's house. I like how he rattles it off. That's my favorite. Who has that on deck like that?

This dude, Scott. That's my favorite thing. I've been obsessed with obsessed on Netflix. What's going on here? Tell me how you found this. How did you find this? Just by the grace of God. You know, I'm on Netflix, and I gotta tell you, there's so much crap on there.

I watch your special, obviously, every time I sit down. First, I watch your special. The whole thing? The whole thing, every hour. Every time? Yeah. I have a copy. You don't have to watch it on Netflix.

No, but I like to watch it on Netflix, and then I rate. And then I go into my day. That's my OCDT. That's really sweet of you. Well, you're my husband. I support you. There's fucking nothing on Netflix right now, bro. You know what I mean?

When you go there, and it's like, hey, you made the mistake of watching this show for five seconds. I'm gonna suggest all this crap nobody wants to watch. What the fuck am I gonna watch? Friends? The first three seasons of Friends? It's dog shit. So I came across obsessed.

I'm halfway through season one, a little bit over halfway. It's my new favorite. It's all about OCD, and then there's a cognitive behavioral therapist that gives them immersion therapy where they have to face their fears. And so this guy, he's like a neat freak. His house looks like a goddamn mausoleum. So she comes over, and she's like, may I have to use your restroom? And she taunts him, and she's like, as luck would have it, I have my period.

And his face just like goes pale. It's the best, dude. He drops. He's like, mm-hmm. Because he doesn't have a trash can in his house, because he has to throw every piece of trash outside. Because he has a real fear of germs, like to a paralyzing degree. Yeah, it's so funny.

Please play it again, please. And then she brings him in there. And she brings him in there, and she just slowly works him up to, I'm trying to find here. I'll find the longest thing. This is so good. So he and his boyfriend are sitting on the couch, and she, yeah, she's like today. So she comes in, and he's just, for exposure, she had exposure therapy.

He just smashed a bug in a tissue, and he put it on the coffee table, and it was a big deal. Big deal for him. Yeah. Because he wanted to throw away. He's like, I'll hold it. Imagine being in a relationship with someone like that. That's crazy.

I think you are. You just don't know it. I am? I can see myself. This is why I think this is so funny, obviously, is that I see, I can see myself in every one of these people. I can see myself going to this dark side so easily. There's one girl in this series where I'm like, oh, that's me, dude.

Like, she has a phobia of certain foods, and she won't touch, like, raw chicken. I'm like, dude, that was me for a few years. Like, there are certain street meats I wouldn't eat. I wouldn't eat meat in public for a while. I get it. Oh, I get it. Yeah. That could be me.

If I didn't see my shrink. No, this is fine. I'll be out in just a second. She's in there now. She's in there. I don't know whether she's doing this to irritate me or she really is on her period. Yes. Come.

Come look. Uh-oh. Taunting. Taunting. Taunting. We expose people to situations or things that they fear. We have them sit with that anxiety until it comes down on its own, and it will come down so long as he doesn't continue to do compulsion.

That's right. He's looking. Hands on the tampon residue, please. This is the one that you use, though, to the point where I'm just like saying, you know, this is silly. This is really silly. Let's not do it. I'm going to just, you know, I'm going to clean everything.

That's going to be washed. My hands are going to be washed. This is going to be washed. I will not touch my face. Your OCD is telling you that it's contaminated. It is contaminated. I just want you to touch the germs. Focus.

You love it. You're touching all that nastiness. Oh. Can I get a 0 to 10 rating? Yeah, that's a 10. Eight? Right now it's going up. I've got an itch.

He wants to scratch his face. You know, if you want to go for it, it's going to probably put you at a nine or a 10. I need to itch. If you're going to do it, I want fingertips to fade and keep them there after you scratch. Now I want you to keep it there. Can I get a 0 to 10? What's on your face? Vaginal secretions, vaginal blood, endometriosis, fibroid juice.

Now you've got all the residues on your face. I want you to focus that you have germs on your hand and they're already absorbed in your skin. Can I get a 0 to 10 with tampon residue, vaginal secretions? He's sweating. I hate those vaginal. When I see the physical manifestations of anxiety. Yeah, so Scott really has it for germs, but apparently this exposure therapy works on

him because we visit him like months later and he's doing much better. Yeah, it helps them and then she's always like on a scale of 0 to 10, give me the number and then when they go down to half, the number of half whatever their anxiety is, then that's progress. Well, the thing you learn, I think about anxiety. Fibroid juice. Fibroid juices. Who would learn about anxiety is that for most people, it's okay to get anxious.

It's how you cope with the anxiety. The bad feelings. Yeah. They get the bad feelings and they're like, fuck, and they don't learn that you can just sit through a feeling. The feeling will go away. Yeah, I've learned that in therapy because I didn't like bad feelings for many years and I would eat.

I would smoke. I used to smoke cigarettes from the time I was 13 to 30 and then I quit smoking and then I picked up eating instead. I would get obsessive about food and about stuff too. Yeah. Oh, man, I can see myself going down it. Can you? No, are you an OCD?

Do you have? I'm not really OCD. I have anxiety though. Yeah. Like every human being. Yeah, but I've learned through therapy also how to cope better with it. Yeah. Yeah.

It's just feeling the feeling and then it goes away and then you don't have to clean that up. You feel a feeling, the thing is you masturbate in public in front of like a group of strangers and then the feeling goes away. Exactly. Exactly. I learned that you just got a, you got a, you know, you grab someone by the back of their head and you go, I have my apples now, huh?

And then you win. Where's that episode of the compulsive like public masturbator? That's the one I want to see on a test. Me too. That'll be my favorite. I can't stop drinking. On the same episode, this poor lady Helen. Oh, Helen's fantastic too.

And she had a really sad reason for getting this thing. Her father died. On the 710 freeway. In a car accident. Yeah. But then watching her in the passenger seat of the car is, it's, it's, I'm sorry, but it's hilarious. Yeah.

I mean, she just loses her mind. So Helen, remember the things that we talked about? Yeah, which ones? Uh, we're talking about your OCD brain is telling you what? That I'm going to die. The OCD brain is telling you you're going to die, but in reality is you're just feeling discomfort. Right.

It's not danger. I want you to really open your eyes and just take a look around the freeway right now. Exposure is literally exposing a patient, someone like Helen, to a feared situation and allowing the anxiety to be raised and then experiencing the anxiety. And then in the anxiety of them learning tools to manage it a little bit better. There's a car right there. Give me your racing thoughts. Well, this guy is like really close to us in the back.

Yeah, well, it's going to pass. If you put your brakes on, he's going to hit us. Okay, there's a car right there. You've got to be careful. I don't like this. If I'm paying attention, you're good, Helen. You're doing good. Hitting my blinker and I'm changing lanes.

Helen, look, it's the 710 freeway. Oh my God. I'm sick to my stomach. Give me your catastrophic thoughts. I'm going to die. Okay, there's a car right there. You've got to be careful. Okay, I see it.

I mean, she's just completely out of her mind. Yeah. Because like you said, the anxiety is heightened and morphed into another area of life because everybody has irrational unconscious thoughts. Like it's just, it's natural, but then when they go unchecked, I feel like this is what happens. I didn't see her father. She did better.

Oh yeah. They all get better. They all get better with exposure there, at least the ones I've seen. So then there's this one. I totally thought of Eugene's. There's a woman who's like, I can't, I can't hang out with my friends because I have thoughts that I'm going to kill people. You thought of me?

I'm going to murder people. Yeah. Why would that make you think of me? I don't know. Just your proclivity towards murder and serial killer fun, you know, your association with that and like good times. My husband masturbates to serial killers. No, I don't.

Not yet. So the therapist, the same one that did the guy with the period juice, the five-boy juice, she gives a knife to that girl. She's like, pick up the knife, put it to my throat, kill me, you know, because it's obviously an irrational thought. Like she's really not a killer. This is the point of that. It was really interesting.

I should watch that one to see if I would get excited about it. Right. And she... You watched the serial killer movie last night. Wait, and the therapist would go on a scale of zero to 10. How hard is your penis, Tom? I'd be like, 14 is bleeding out of the tip right now. What movie?

A Good Marriage. We watched that. Yeah. It's like our marriage. It's not like our marriage. It's gonna be. That was pretty good. It was pretty good.

It's not bad. Yeah. I mean, it wasn't great, but it was, you know, entertaining. Yeah. There's some holes in it. Yeah. Again, it's a Netflix thing. It's a good story.

Yeah. It's based on a Stephen King novel. I mean, it's a good story. Yeah. Stephen King. Wait, he's still alive. How old is he now? Isn't he living in Maine too?

Like he's one of those guys. I think so. He's probably got to be in his sixties or something. Well, I'm gonna live in Maine, mommy. Yeah. That was a good movie. But I would have called the cops on you. Liquity split.

If I go, if I found your crawl space and I found the girl's driver's license. You would have. Just murdered in like your daughter's little keepsake box. Yeah. Why? Because you're going to kill me. No. Remember, he wasn't ever going to kill her.

You don't know that. The minute you find out your husband's been murdering. I'm really disappointed by that, by the way. That's the thing that's really upset me about this. It is the fact that you're like, I would turn you in immediately. You're supposed to be my ride or die. Now when you're killing. Why?

It doesn't. Serial killing. Well, it's so what? Have my back. God. It's like, I thought we were fucking together and we're not. You're supposed to be my nicotope. Yeah, that's me.

And then you're fucking telling me to stop killing people. Well, yeah, babe, you're not supposed to murder people. You're not supposed to. I know. But if I do, you're my spouse and you're supposed to like tell me like you got to stop doing this and you're not supposed to call the cops on me. I would. Sorry.

That's where I draw the line. But if you were to accidentally murder somebody like with your car, I'd be like, all right, we'll fucking we'll cover that up. You know what I mean? Yeah. You could. You could be my Sharkisha there. But you would write me out if I was doing it the other way.

Yeah. Accidental death. The spouse. The spouse has an obligation to cover it up with a husband. But not when he's a serial killer. This is a really disturbing thing for me, man. Why? I feel like going to couples therapy right now.

What's your presenting problem? My wife believes that if I were a serial killer, she would turn me in. And I'm really upset by the fact that she's not loyal. So you see your your wife turning you into the police for murdering several people as a sign of disloyalty? Yes. Could you could you talk further about that? Well, it's like, you know, we're in this together.

Yeah. Number one. I have her back. She has my back. But now she has fucking limitations to how far she has my back. Right. Boundaries and you don't like those boundaries. Yeah, I feel like those boundaries are not boundaries I want to live in.

So disturbing, Tom. Exactly. That's very disloyalty to use the disturbing part. Exactly. Yeah. Okay. How are you feeling, Jeans? You know, you look, yeah, you look a little better than you did.

You're a little run down. We've been burning the candle. Both ends. Yeah. You can hear my voice, right? Yeah. Yeah. I'm just worn down.

That was interesting. Let's talk about it. Well, first of all, Mamaha, I didn't talk about that. Oh, it was really good. Yeah. Almost great. Yeah. Good shows.

Lots of moms there. Yeah. Lots of moms. Lots of moms. Doing cool stuff and neat stuff, slick stuff. Yeah. Very raw. A lot of them came to the shows.

That's a good city, man. It is. It's a great comedy place and that club's good and it's good shit. I had a lot of fun. But here's what you did. So we ran it hard right before you went to Mamaha and we were really busy with our schedules. And then you got to have earliest shit to fly there on Wednesday. Yeah.

You woke up the next morning at earliest fuck to do press at 5 a.m. Yeah. And then you do your show at night and then you wake up again the next morning at 5 a.m. Yeah. Do your two shows now. And here's the problem with this is that when you're on the road and you're on a different time zone, it's not like you can just go, oh, night night, it's midnight here because guess what?

It's like 9 p.m. for you. Yeah. It doesn't work. So you don't fall asleep until three or four. Oh, sorry, Jeans. And then you came home and then we started running again because we're, I'll see, look at you. Yeah.

Look at you. We've just been going hard, man. But today we're going to do the show and we're going to mill out where you're not going to do your marine workouts. You've been doing those fucking crazy workouts where you come back and you're like, oh, I feel like I have to vomit. Like, why are you doing this? You don't need to do this yourself.

Yeah. Yeah. So we're going to be, we're going to chill today for sure. You're going to, what will you do with your time today? You think? I'm going to relax. Okay. I'm going to do some work on my computer, but I'm just not going to ride around or anything.

Okay. I'll take a walk later. That's what I'm going to do. That's nice. You know what I discovered? Because I took down this past weekend alone when you were gone and I didn't fucking turn off the phone. I didn't talk to anybody.

I just like hung out with Theo and we talked a lot. Yeah. He and I about. We did talk, didn't you? I did. We did. Yeah. But we've come to a resolution on some stuff, but the point is the importance of downtime,

the importance of piddling time, right Tommy? It's so important for human being. You got to give your right brain a goddamn rest and you got to piddle. And I love to, I love to just tinker. I pick up things in the house, I put them down, I crochet. It's important. You got to do it. Yep.

Otherwise humans go crazy. Yep. You know what someone said to me? I was like, oh, I'm so tired. I'm so tired all the time. He goes, well, yeah, my friend was tired all the time. He had cancer. I'm like, really?

You're going to fucking tell me I have cancer? Jesus, man. Yeah, don't tell me that. You know that, you learn things from your partner in life and one of the things I honestly that you remind, you remind me of all the time is that when is that it's time to take a break? Yeah. Seriously.

Yeah. I never thought like that. You brought to my attention the importance of like vacations and not like, you know, crazy vacations. I'm just saying, just like taking time off and doing nothing. You got to do nothing. You brought that to my mind. I don't know why though, because if I don't do nothing, if I, because we didn't take a

day down, I didn't have a day off since December 29th. And then by last weekend, I had fucking lost my marbles. Like you saw me, remember? I was screaming at you for nothing. Like, and you know what happens? I get anxious and I start to fucking spiral out. Yeah. Like, like fibroid juice guy.

Fibroid juice. I can fibroid juices if I don't, everybody does, humans can't, we can't do this much. You know what I mean? It's too much. The iPhone has ruined my goddamn life. Now you have to send an email at midnight. You have to text people back. I hate it.

Too much contact, right? Too much fucking contact. I know. It is nice when you, there's some people that like, I don't know a lot of them, but I've met some people that are like, you know, no smartphone, no tablets, no anything. And they're just like, call me at home. Yeah. You know what?

Do I, I do the Sabbath, right? Right. I shut the phone off on Sundays. Don't, don't, don't come calm. Don't call my house on a Sunday on a Sunday on a Sunday Sunday, not a Tuesday, not a Wednesday, but a Sunday. I get so mad when people fucking call me on Sunday about bullshit. Don't call my goddamn house about work on a Sunday.

Don't email me on a Sunday. How's that? Wait, wait till Monday. You jerky. You fucking jerk. Anyway, speaking of a business though, I, I don't know if you know this, Tom. I'm friends with Clay Neubill, who's EP of Shark Tank, and I've contacted Clay about us possibly pitching our new product on Shark Tank.

Did you tell him the name of it? No. Oh good. I'm thinking we need a TV friendly version of Com Gum, because if we just go in there and we say, it's called Com Gum, they're going to be like, no, they're like, just no. Yeah. But there's a kind of a product development phase that I'm disagreeing with you on. Okay.

Well, you say this, like, you know, let's say you want an Asian guy, right, and you get an Asian gum, and you bite it and you're like, oh, it tastes like soy sauce or something. My thing is that, no, it tastes like cum. You're saying, if I'm hearing you correctly, you don't want to make the flavors contingent on the different races. You want, you want every race. If it's an Asian guy's cum, but it doesn't taste like soy sauce, it tastes like cum. What if it was cum, it still tastes like cum.

We hold the integrity of the product, but with a hint of soy sauce, like a hint of that with the cum. I don't know that that's the idea. I don't know that that's the product. I mean, you talk about maintaining the integrity of Com Gum, and then you're like, let's add artificial flavors, and I'm like, I want to be all natural. Oh, you want to get into Whole Foods is what you're saying. Yes.

And then if it has like an artificial sweetener or flavoring, then we can't claim you're organic. Yeah, you're going to put rib sauce on the Black Eyes Com Gum? No. Well. You'll know that it's a Black Eyes. That's the thing is you trust us. You trust us that it's a Black Eyes cum, but it's not going to be flavored.

Yeah, it's not trusting. You're right. Yeah. You have a point. What if we do this? What if we do two lines? One organic line just for the Whole Foods market, and then one with the artificial flavoring for like the mainstream markets, like your Albert Sins, your Kroger's, your 7-Eleven.

Would you feel comfortable with that? Possibly. I mean, I don't know. And then we're talking about pitching essentially two different, you know, types of gum. I mean. Oh, now you're talking about production costs. Yeah. I know.

That's going to be kind of a pain in the ass. Yeah, it's like what, I don't know, what do you really want, you know? Like what kind of product do you really want? I know. Well, here's my thing. I know when I'm into cum gum, and I'm the customer, I pick up the package and I go, oh, it's an attractive Puerto Rican gentleman. I'd like to taste his gum, right?

And I bite into it and it tastes like just cum. I'm going to feel a little cheated because what's the point of it being like a Puerto Rican? I want to taste plantains or, you know, what are Puerto Rican flavors? Rum. I want to taste rum. I want to know what's authentic. To me, that means that's in his diet.

He's been drinking rum and it's in his body fluids. I don't know. I'm working on a commercial for it. Like I just editing together. Oh, really? I mean, I just have like two seconds of it, but just like for the commercial I want to play like. Cut down.

That's a lot of cum. You like it? That's a lot of cum. Why don't you put it in a gum? And then the music starts. Yeah. Why? Cut down.

That's a lot of fucking cum. You got a lot of cum, better put it in the gum, gum, gum. But then we always tag it with her going, God damn, that's a lot of fucking cum. You like rap music? A lot of rap music. It's my favorite kind of music. You ever heard this song? I figured that like hanging out with you last week, it became apparent to me that you like

raunchy rap songs. And this song's kind of been a good luck charm for us. We were in the car yesterday and it came on and it was like, oh, it's a song from God. This song. Yeah. I first heard this song when I was pretty young that I'm going to play for you. Oh, wow. I don't know if you should play it for the youth, but it's pretty out there.

Yeah. But the thing is, it's a story. It's not just raunchiness. It's a story about somebody. I love stories. I want to see if you can put together the story. Okay. Bitch.

Right about now in the place to be too short, baby, getting real funky with the motherfucking dangerous crew, bitch, with that old school, too short, baby, I'm so hard, pimping these girls on the boulevard, but I'm not here to tell you about me. I got a little story by the nasty freak. She's the kind of girl you think about bad blow job, better get real good head, bust a left nut, right nut in her jaw, sperm on her cheeks is all you saw. Christ. Is this for real?

This is for real. This is was this really popular? Pretty popular. This too short? Yeah. Where is he from? What's his story? He's from I city, California.

Oh, okay. He's West Coast. Now too. Was he part of the two live crew and then he split off or something? Not at all. No. No. So this girl, Betty, right, that's who he's talking about because he said, I'm tell

you a story. It's not about me. It's about a nasty girl. Totally. Right. And so he busts his left nut and then his right nut in her jaw, sperm on her cheeks. She's all dissolved. This is terrible.

She can blow more head than the whale blows water. Okay. Her cheeks is all you saw. She can blow more head than the whale blows water. Jesus Christ. She's a wonderful kind, a hell of a girl, a trip and a half around the world. So stupid. Catch a getting busy bitch wouldn't stop.

She's the kind of girl that make your toes pop. Every time I used to see her, I would know what's up. Blow job Betty, better blow me up. I remember the day when I first met her. Bitch kinda loose so I knew I'd get her. Walked up to her, said my name is sure. Just what you been looking for. Pimp is my game.

I do it the best. Hope fuck with me, she don't get no rest. Well after that, I G'd the free. I used to stop buying fuck about twice a week. And from the very first time I went to her house. Walked in the door, stuck my dick in her mouth. Short dog to get bitches anytime I wanna. Okay.

Are you following the story? Well, from what I can deduce, it's a courtship tale. He's like, I love this lady, she's really pretty. I wouldn't say he loves her, but it's, that lady looks interesting. And I'd like to get to know her better. I just want to know you. Right, it is I want to get to know you. What year did this come out?

I want to feel like 93. Oh my God. So this was like your formative years. You're listening to this. Yes. It's really troubling. Did your parents know you listen to this? Hell no.

What do you think your mom would say? She wouldn't understand any of it. My dad would be like, what are you listening to? He would be upset. I'm upset. This is terrible. This is what kids were listening to. But the story is you got to understand what happens in the story.

He doesn't just meet blowjob Betty and she doesn't just blow him. Okay. A tragedy happens. Okay. Here, just listen. Here we go. Oh. Okay.

Oh. See, he went. I'm confused. Okay. So she was really good about blowing. Right. Right. You're really good at this.

You love this. You got talent. You're a star. You should be making money. So he tried to pimp her. But she didn't even care about the money. That's how much she just loves cum. Yes.

Loves to suck it. Yeah. Right. She wants to be part of the cum gum enterprise. So right now he's like. She's a milker. Yeah. He's like, you know, if you're not into making the money.

Right. He's going to cut her loose. Because he's like, what's it? Yeah. This is crazy. This motherfucker is blowing shit right next to my window. It's a motherfucker. This fucker right here.

Yeah. I hate these goddamn leaf blowers. I know. This is a little bane of mine. Okay. So go ahead. So he's like, I thought you were game. I thought.

Right. We could make some money. Basically I thought you could make me some money. That's the real thing. But she's just not in. She's just like, I don't care about money. I just want to suck and fuck everything. Sure.

I'm still a player. I'm still a player. One night at a club. She was putting in work. All you had to do was step up to her. She was in the bathroom saying one at a time. Wasn't my bitch. But she still was fine.

So I went in the back room, seen the bitch, slapped on the head, said you're ready to switch until the players out there. Instantly blow job. So now he hasn't seen her in a while. You understand? I guess I listen. He hasn't seen her in a while. Right.

He's at a club and she's sucking dicks in the bathroom. Right. So he goes up to her in the bathroom, slaps her on the head and he goes ready to suck on this stick. And then. Okay. So this is where the story really climax. My homeboy said short don't worry but that next day I read this story a young

girl died just last night she choked on sperm in her windpipe it was on her face her neck and chest and we're sorry to say there's no suspect when I saw that my brain click I bust a nut and kill a bitch it might all right now this is the worst song I've ever heard my entire life no it's horrible oh bitch why does he call her bitch you know how when she gives him nothing but love and pleasure and why did what that's what I don't get is if she's sucking your stuff and you like her why is she a bitch in a whore and she's she's doing y'all favors man you should like her it's so stupid this is

so stupid a song you've ever played you not even wrapping your head around the tragedy here he busted a nut and killed a bit yeah no I get it I get it and but he's so stupid and you know it really bothers me isn't this the horn isn't this bomb bomb I'm not sister Nancy sister Nancy and they always take the most beautiful music yeah and then wrap the most awful shit over it right like bag lady was beautiful and now he's talking about bitch and match up push it and this guy and look in came in a throw this is terrible this is terrible I hate him is he still alive yeah this is beautiful sister Nancy look oh she's not

talking about choking on Cox it's classy lady Bum-bum I love it Never trouble no more I'm a lady I'm not dumb and this is my ambition I come free nice and strong they come so bum bum bum bum I bust under and kill the bitch Right You know that's what I'm saying how does a man hear this and she's like I'm a lady I'm not dumb like she's just she's talking about God and creation and then short his reporting about his life and if you don't understand that you ain't never been to Oakland I said he kind of found yeah right he hears that sweet sister Nancy's song and he's like

oh I'm gonna write a song I'm gonna write a jam about I'm like I came in this bitch's throat so hard she died I went I met a dude one time from Oakland and we started talking about two short and I was like he's like yeah I know too short and then I started talking about like what's he like and then I'm sure he's a sweet guy well he told me if you hang out with too short you'll get your dick sucked by him no that's why he's always I'm not sucking it no that just it's like a freak party every freak party yeah he's a he's a real animal so two short kind of let me look him up I know I know the I know the guy's name but it's not like I've I've listened to his raps I don't really know what's his big jam

what would I know well you wouldn't know blow the whistle I love blow the whistle yeah that's Oakland baby yeah blow the whistle do do do not see that's nice nobody's dying of getting that's not I mean two short fans know that that's that's some bullshit well that's like that's some bullshit you know that's later you that's a pop song that's a hold on me Google it TWO SHRT Jesus TWO what the fuck TWO that's what I googled T double oh I see he's a handsome guy yeah this guy killed a man killed a man killed a woman by skeeting down her throat yeah Betty wow it's based on the true story she's a real nice lady his teeth are kind of whack are they he's got like Beetlejuice teeth yeah I love this fucking song

yeah 225,000 hours get a calculator do the math I made a thousand songs that made you move you and for the last three hundred months I made 16 albums with me on the front and they bomb where you get your beats I heard 93 rockers say like me two singers are taking me this is nice you can talk about nice things he's talking it's a song about how he says bitch and then how like Chappelle and everybody says it like him he might be well he gets it that's what the song is about he's claiming wait a minute this guy's claiming to be the

originator of biatch yep he came up with biatch yes too short here let me get the all right well that's a huge claim my man it's kind of hard to play it that way this way you can get 25,000 hours get a calculator do the math I made a thousand songs that made you move your ass and for the last three hundred months I made 16 albums with me on the front and they bomb where you get your beats I heard 93 rockers say bitch like me two singers are taking me the ends and I'm still here He's really really into the pimpin thing, you know, do you think he's really a pimp I think he's probably pimp

What does it mean to blow the whistle what what's the whistle? Just some stop leagues just like just blow that whistle man, or is it a metaphor is blowing the whistle like drugs I think it's it's him calling out people taking bitch on him That he originated yeah, so he's blowing the whistle his whistle blowing right. Oh, I see what he's the referee being like That's my shit. I said bitch fascinating. This is a whole Fascinating that's what I think it's a whole different world man shit I used to bump a lot of t-shirts When I was like 14 15

This is my favorite shit was the back backseat Betty. That's your favorite one. No, no, that's not my favorite That was the most even at that age. I knew it was a clown ridiculous Like it was it was a song we laughed at like you we'd laugh at like a red fox album Like so it was so raunchy. So crazy so raunchy and dirty. Yeah, so you knew it was just for shock value Yeah, I'm gonna do that one. I like like getting it You get a good lawyer like Johnny It's ready to tell the truth. Hell nah, didn't pop get your kids in school So they got a good flow as they say

And take a vacation You see I got all my game from the streets of California young Megan there with no high school diploma Living real good take care of my folks roll up a fat one. He sounds very west coast. Yes I know you ain't tripping cuz life is too short. You gotta I always like how funky his bass lines were too You really know your raps the og song, this is the song that like I'm gonna give you like the sure let's give you a little we'll play the whole fucking song No, we can talk about another rapper who fucking is stupid as shit

Here we go This is it I think this is one of the first songs I heard I like it already See I made up my mind when I was 17, I ain't with no marriage and a wedding ring I'll be a player for life. So where's my wife? Here we go After we have stuck on the pipe cuz she must be smoking and I'm not joking too short baby coming straight from

Up and got way more bitches than I ever need. I put that on a big fat bag of wheat Cuz I can give you a bitch and wouldn't give you like when you're 13 14 You get smoking joints And this I don't this doesn't affect me the way blowjob suck my bitch nuts Hilarious, this is just old-school like I'm a pimp a smoke we it's just like what do they call it bragging and boasting rhymes That's what they call it bragging and boasting rhymes Teenage girl Yeah, there we go

Bitches Yeah, that's not that I like that actually like it who does he remind me of probably me Definitely your flow He kind of reminds me of that corny ass shit that what's his name the prince fresh Prince of Belero is doing You know parents just don't understand It's that kind of like I'm rolling in my fourth point. Oh, and I got joints and bitches, you know You know when those rhymes are kind of wacker. Yeah at the beginning

I'm selling You know what song I do like that's stupid. I like the gravel pit Oh, really about vaginas, right? Check out my gravel, but that's really a good song How about As we go About let's talk about the another rapper. Yeah, but the Grammys get the fuck out of here that guy This fucking guy see here's the thing with

Kanye is that did he win any awards himself that night? I don't think so Okay, because if he did maybe he shut the fuck up about other people's stuff You know what I'm saying is when you win it you ain't got time to player. Hey, you know I'm saying He's player hate in Let's see if we have Kim Kardashian cut her hair about it What's going on there We're never gonna find out what happened no so Kanye

That's really weird, huh? It's only it totally doesn't meow. No That's weird. Tell like so the Grammys. Here's what happened if you don't know which is amazing, but So back one was it record of the year? What's the difference in record of the year now of the year is there both? I think I know shit you're asking so he won one doesn't even watch this crap and When he won Kanye went up the stairs and went to reach for it Hmm. It was like a play on his Taylor Swift moment years ago, right? He actually destroyed her moment. Yeah, so this time though

This time he went there and they turn around and it was a huge laugh and it was actually like oh people I think watched it as like that's pretty funny. Yeah, he's making fun of himself And it's not to he's not taking away the guy's moment too much because he literally went up the stairs and turn around went back and There's actually a really really great shot You can find online Where you can where there are cameras on Jay-Z and he looks up He starts to shake his head And then he laughs really hard, but at first he's like oh fuck dude don't do that don't do that like he's it's really really great actually

and then after the Grammys He went to like that little you know like Pow wow that they have and it was like E staff like people on E and including Khloe Kardashian who's his sister-in-law And then he and his wife Kim went to

Went up there and they're interviewing and they're talking and everyone's having a good time and then Kanye goes on this rant about Beck winning and how he should how Beck should Respect artistry and should give that to you should give the Grammy to Beyonce It's the right thing to do and then he goes on such an epic rant and It's great actually if you watch the video you you can read his cart Kim Kardashian face Yeah, where she's like looking at them looking at him looking around and you can tell she's like She thinks he's making a joke at first like she doesn't really know and then she's like looking around like He's losing his fucking mind like yeah, it's really clear you can read it in her face, you know

But he yeah, he just he's such a so embarrassing Could you imagine that that's your husband and your baby daddy and he's talking all kinds of nonsense like that and she likes that She likes him. Yeah, he's fucking crazy. He's so out of his mind. He's such a narcissist I mean you got to be such a total narcissist. Yeah, so here's what happened so crazy So today he finally cuz he hadn't they hadn't spoke about it back by the way Came out, you know, they asked him to respond and he was like I agree Beyonce is great. She should have won like he was so cool about it. Yeah, he's like and I think honey's so talented like he was like The coolest you could be about it. Yeah

Which was upsetting which he would have been like fuck you. Yeah, well back back's long overdue Listen, that guy's been making amazing records since the 90s. Hello. Have you seen back live by the way? I've never seen him live I saw him perform when he was at the height of like loser and everything that motherfucker wasn't him It's an amazing performer. He was like doing the splits. He had backup dancers. He's got like choreography and shit the guys know Like he's he's amazing. He's amazing. So I guess Here's what's so upsetting is that like in his rant Kanye's you know, and he insults

He says like he needs to keep kept saying that back knees a respect artistry. Yeah, and it's like the arrogance the obliviousness the cruelty and the callousness of a statement like that Where you're so unaware that saying that is so insulting to Beck and his artistry is crazy and his talents is what I think It's certainly what would have set me the most and I'm you know, I Happen to have all of Beck's albums and I happen to I'm a big fan of Beyonce too. She has no part in any of this You know, yeah, and I and I think that Kanye is a great artist I like a lot of his music, but that level of insult to me is like it's so upsetting that somebody would be

That that mean to somebody else who just won like just let them fucking win you dick Just let it happen, bro. So they finally got a response from him He was asked he said right when it happened everybody's looking at me. This is about about crashing the stage Kanye don't go do it. And then he's like, okay, that didn't really happen. He said these were voices in my head So the voices in my head told me go and then I just walked like halfway up the stage The gate crash was he continued meant to be an injection of humor and in the proceedings by referencing is now famous I'm gonna let you finish interruption of Taylor Swift's best video award in 2009 Well, I really want to do was just joke around about what happened before

But I just really didn't want to take away from Beck's moment or the time he's having to talk. Okay The Grammys they play music really quickly no matter who you are and everything so I didn't want to take away from his screen time Okay, it's really nice you Afterwards when he got involved on E I was asked to give my opinion I was given a platform and when I'm living a bit of a platform It's very hard as we know I'm going to talk in the third person like I'm a crazy person But it's very hard for Kanye West

To not be very true and vocal to what he feels so he is talking in the third person after he just referenced that He's going to do that. You know, it's like people take the Grammys for granted in a way because of the commercials Because a lot of the musicians are very rich in everything, but this is our Super Bowl He went on to describe his comments about Beck respecting artistry was a miss wording He also expressed his hopes that the pair will be able to reconcile and still go play basketball and stuff. Yeah Well, look these awards are bullshit to begin with. Do you know who picks the winners for any of these awards? Maybe the Academy Awards the Oscar the people's choice. It's all it's all Showbiz smoke and mirrors bullshit anyway, so for him to get mad about something. That's really so rooted in silliness and

Arbitrary. It's so arbitrary. Who knows? It's it's all fucking not the guy's talent. That's too bad as a Kanye actually makes decent shit But yeah, what a fucking douchebag Yeah, he's a fucking asshole I mean, what was that the lead singer of garbage wrote that letter So Shirley Manson wrote like an open letter to Kanye West Just calling him a child and being like you making yourself look like an idiot, bro. Basically, which is fantastic I love Shirley Manson. Yeah, he's he's you know, it makes himself look stupid. Am I right the worst of that?

The comedy awards we have those two in our business and it's like are you fucking Joe? What? Who the fuck who's even what? Cares who cares awards? It's all a joke. You want me to tell you that the letter is pretty short. I can read it Yeah, I like it. I like pretty great. This is from from Shirley Manson. She was dear Kanye West It is you who was so busy disrespecting artistry you disrespect your own remarkable talents and more more importantly You disrespect the talent hard work and tenacity tenacity of all artists when you go So rudely and savagely after an accomplished and humble artist like Beck You make yourself look small and petty and spoiled and attempting to reduce the importance of one great talent over another

You make a mockery of all musicians and music from every genre including your own grow up Stop throwing your toys around you're making yourself look like a complete twat PSI pretty certain Beyonce doesn't need you fighting any battles on her account Seems like she's got everything covered perfectly well on her Love her Shirley Manson You see throwing your toys around like a spoiled child, you know, I think the real fucking bullshit though that the The worst part about doing a rant like that isn't just the insult

It's that when you're that famous and you have that many people following you They then latch on to that sentiment and they go. Yeah, fuck Beck and I mean they go like you Untalented piece of shit. I don't even know what the fuck they're talking about It's really crazy to me that they all then will Out of loyalty to Kanye, right? And it's so misguided Who they fucking care who wins these stupid awards? Well good for Shirley Manson, she's the one who won. Yeah speaking of of

Being celebrated and award-winning your mom's house was featured on ovation TV We we DVR'd it a million years ago and we finally got down to watching it and as luck would have it We didn't get the whole program. We managed to record What the last few minutes? Unbelievable We can't record anything right in this home. No, so but The best part of that whole spot is that it they came to our studio. They filmed in our home and They showed our posters. So there's like Stevie

It's not a passing shot. It's a slow shot And they have a still of the Stevie poster which some of you will have Yeah, it has Christina and I it says your mom's house and they were each pointing up at what we think he's saying which Christina What do you think he's saying? retard and I have a retarded and That's the focus of this ovation shot. Yeah, and then we're talking and the clip that they use of our show You say what we had for breakfast. I'm like, yeah, and then afterwards it's like

They play that King Ash River made it on the ovation TV King ass ripper I know it's fantastic They're like this married news team does their podcast and it's all about farting and shitting. It's just pretty amazing Unbelievable. Yeah, but that's pretty exciting that we got to keep it real at least on that program. Absolutely Absolutely, you know, it's time it's time for I It's that mid-show break, y'all

They don't even know how good we are you just peed. Yeah, we put up with push-pull. I always have to pee it's a mid-break Like cuz I drink I get geeked on coffee and then I drink a bunch of water. That's why see that's what makes you go yellow That's what makes you go yellow. So Tom. Oh, you said you had some news for me on Bay Yeah, we you know, I was like, yeah, that's your boo. That's who you, you know, that's the person in your life Which is actually I mean, I'm pretty accurate. Yeah, I got we got dozens of emails tweets people were like upset Hey, no crazy. That's not what it means So we got this email from Sean he writes. What's up Tommy and Tina? I'm listening to the new cast One of the chime in on the word Bay apparently it's an acronym for before anyone else

Before anyone. Yeah, so your Bay is before anyone else. Gotcha Also, I use Spotify listen a lot of music comedy, but both your albums are there including Man of the Year, which is phenomenal by the way Pick that up guys. I were dying start to finish great material. Thank you. I tunes guys CD, baby Pick it up, please keep the laughs coming down saying I'm talking about a big fan and supporter Sean. Thanks Sean So Bay before anyone else, but also Here's the other thing a lot of people like to point out that Bay is the Danish word for poop So that you're a real idiot if you use Bay Like it Bay. Yeah, but you know, nobody knows that right when they're saying Bay

Well, but they're saying only Essentially pointing that out is saying only an asshole Use a word and not care that it's other definition. Oh, yeah, it's poop. It's hilarious. Yeah, you know, I mean good times Yeah, I hear you. I don't like I don't care with the Danish word. Well, it's a fucking word like the word existed before Yeah, Bay means shit Bay means shit. Yeah, that's like yeah, like Kago. You're like, you're my Kago Yeah, and so be like, well, you know, it means shit and I don't care Okay, you're the shit. You're my shit Um, also you

Pointed out that I have been using the word fleek now A lot was just so silly. It's so ridiculous every time you call me you're like I left the salam my eyebrows are on fleek right Okay, yeah, it's so silly from I'm a 38 year old woman and here's here's what happened My eyebrows were a mess. Yeah, and I go to this fancy place in Beverly Hills. You got to look this up I'm if you're on Instagram go to this place. It's called D'amon Robert's D. A. M. O. N. E. Robert's and this guy Look it up on Instagram. You're gonna die hilarious I don't D'amon himself doesn't do my brows is one of his his immediate underling his immediate apprentice does and she's phenomenal But it's like a whole culture there and it is a sketch

It's crazy. It's a sketch that would if you were on SNL right now and you pitched it We're gonna leave the episode with the sketch because it's so well And there's so much it's so rich in material. Yeah, this is like their game like their whole business is eyebrows That's it, bro Brows just brows just brows and it's a lot of money and they're just like your brows are whack And we're gonna get them all point off fleek right on fleek and that's his whole thing So if you look at his Instagram, he's like I browse off fleek and the whole thing is about getting your brow game He calls it a brow game too. He's like her brow games on fleek

So when you go to when you leave D'amon Roberts, you know your brow games on fleek, but it's so ridiculous on fleek brows are honestly like They're only appropriate on a well every man that has his brows on fleek. No, it's absurd Well, because he does he D'amon Roberts does Beyonce's brows He does Nicki Minaj's brows like everybody all the stars go to D'amon. He's he's that guy It's bananas for eyebrows. You wouldn't even think of it. Yeah, he does. I saw a picture Denzel. Yeah, Gwyneth Paltrow Yeah, he does a lot of brows. They're all on fleek Tom. Yeah, they're all on fleek. Listen to you Listen, it's so retarded. Wait, what was I gonna say about him? Oh, he fucking flew out to Nashville to do this girl You'll see it on Instagram. Yeah, he's all going to Nashville for a wedding to do brows

I Have my wedding across the country. Can you come here and pluck some of my eyebrows hairs out? Does he pluck some he okay? So yeah, I've never had them done by him because it's way too. He's way too expensive He's above mop mop mop pay grade, you know, I'm saying yeah for sure can't do it, but I go to his underling Me hey is her name. She's fantastic. But anyway, no, he whack they wax and then pluck to perfection Yeah, but then they push them up. I don't want to get into it. It's so stupid, but I like to look at a little natural I don't like it's so on fleek, you know You sound so

So funny, I know it's stupid, but you know what 38 years I fucked around with my brows and I realized it's really important It really changes your face. It really does. You know, it's time to be a woman It's time to be a lady. You got it when you're my age I got to pay for shit that I never had to pay for before. Yeah, because you got a hole together You do I got a hole together anyways, so there there was the eyebrow king and then And then I met my my agent from New York and she told me I Was we were talking about the subway in New York and I go

Hey, you ever heard that old Greg Geraldo bit where a guy screams across the tracks yo Monica Yo, Monica, you got AIDS yo, it's a great bit and she goes. Oh, did you know that Monica is Code for I know here we go. I'm gonna say it on the show and getting trouble again, but Monica is a way It's like code for my nigga I'm just reporting the news and that's how like white people white people can get away with saying white niggers I Play that again, that was the best who is that who is that white niggers? What lunatic is that it's a senator. He's dead now. I think yeah, thank God. Yeah, he said that in public

He didn't just say it once said it again. I've seen a lot of white niggers in my time He said it in an interview. I guess I'd be considered Cuz yeah, I'm talking about on fleek Yeah, I don't think this senator would definitely say that about you. Yeah, well you too. Come on too short Yeah, no, I definitely love but I would just be like fuck this guy That's JJ what's his name? I say Jay fish. Yeah So what essentially what she's saying is that like white people are like I'll be there in a minute Monica Yeah, like white Monica. What's up like my not supposed to be my nigga, but it's Monica Monica, and I it's really Monica's the sling

Yeah, Monica. Yeah Was so it but I think it is a white guy thing is what I'm told That's terrible Well, I know that sometimes the code for black people as Canadians we've ever heard that But it's not a Canadians here. It's code for black people Jesus Christ. Yeah, I've People in my family that do that. I heard it was Mondays Mondays. Yeah, not not not a Tuesday. Yeah, what do you mean from a code for black people? Yeah You're like there's a lot of Mondays in here. Yeah, because everybody hates Mondays. Oh

No, seriously, no, yes Russell Peters told me that oh Yeah, I think he had a bit about it once How he was talking to somebody and he was and that the white guy was like a lot of Mondays around here And then he was like Monday like black people like what is that supposed to be like when everybody hates Monday? No Yeah, oh, I hate that. Yeah, Russell Peters. I'm serious. That makes me sad. Yeah, I don't I don't hate Mondays Do you hate Monday? No, I love Mondays. Obviously. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah, there you go, Monica Thanks, Monica I

Don't think we won't be using that around this house Monica's about to get used up around here Here's some fucking nonsense. Monica. You want to hear some nonsense? This is one of the goofiest fucking most nonsensical things I've ever seen. Are you ready? All right, here we go Hi, my name is Julie and I am going to demonstrate party laughter We're going to have some more derbs and we're going to have a little bit of punch And we're going to take some pictures and let's see how much fun we can have while we laugh and have a party Here we go. Like a nerd What's happening?

What the fuck is this man? Yeah, it's party laughter. Is it she's doing voiceovers? She's just sitting there laughing at a fake party But why what's the purpose of this video? I don't understand. Well, did you not hear it? Hi, my name is Julie and I am going to demonstrate party laughter. We're going to have Some more derbs and we're going to have this And then she just mimes that she's at eating at a party. She's like, oh Monica. Why is she doing punch? I don't know There's nobody there it's her alone. I can see that Oh, by the way, this is out of position, but do you remember it? We got

That the Chick-fil-a manager posted that note I think it was in Atlanta about unacceptable terms No So this guy Eric the manager is fed up it says um, he's a he's a Chick-fil-a manager that told his whole crew he put a note up about banned language. Okay and

Well, now they said all right, whatever But it said that like as he said you will speak properly when you walk through these doors And you will not say bae bra Bruh on fleek. Okay. I'll fleek What about your brow game? Uh 300 Uh Let's see guh chill unless we are talking about something that is chilled

Cuz this goes for cousin and because say the actual word cuz yeah What up cuz like none of that cuz Uh ebola stop accusing people of having ebola That's obvious. That's he hears that enough but then needs to be on a list fool Fool what up fool? That's hilarious. That's really west coast though fool. Yeah. What's up fool? That's actually latino. What's up fool? I I've only heard it like when I came to california so fool Anything with anything with or nah, nah, oh yeah, that's hilarious Felicia there's nobody here named Felicia

Uh, what's that? What's that about Felicia? I forget Felicia I forget must be from us. Look at the cut the cut the Felicia. Oh, that's Beastie boys. There's no way these guys are talking Salty ratchet childish Turn up or turned up turns up. Yeah, I love ratchet. Yeah Barely barely that's Donna Godot I'm legally blind Uh, no, I'm legally blind No

No pop holding it down Um Of course according to this thing it says that all that might be Yeah, all of that might be it might be a fake thing like this this could be like a mom's house Yeah, that's somebody made up that letter because it got a lot of publicity Um online I'm saying but it could be that it's not what's Felicia guys if you know what they're referring to Yeah For life

Barely that's barely that's pretty great Um, yeah, that's pretty that's pretty fantastic That's cool. I like that Felicia. What's up? Hey, Adam. It's Felicia Remember that song they're recording. Hey, Adam. It's Felicia It's Felicia I think that's the to the five burrows album, right? Yeah Up there

God damn It's crazy that's a McDonald's at McDonald's and like it's a video you can see her at the register Jesus Christ She's got some issues going on that day. Yeah, that's misdirected anger Man, that's so funny, dude. I wish black people were on everything like last night. We're watching braxton family values Yeah, remember and I was like dude black people are the fucking funniest and the best you're saying for stuff like this Absolutely. I think all our entertainment. It needs to be all black people At least on reality shows. I I absolutely love The best sitcoms were black people jefferson's

Uh sanford and son. I grew up watching that. Yeah, my favorite reality shows. I love the braxton's I love to hate tamar unfortunately, but I love Yeah, she's real asshole. All that stuff man. All of that graffiti. She's a real fucking asshole. You fucking asshole I know she's getting a little more tolerable now that she has Logan. I feel like but I don't know man. She's still a dick She's so hard to like and you want to I don't know how the all the other braxton sisters Put up with her. How are you feeling today? Which braxton are you? Oh, you're not you're a tony on a sick day, huh?

No, I mean, I feel like on a sick day. You're not allowed to be tony But tony has sick days. It's just lupus. That's true But I still feel like I gotta be tracy, you know First of all Oh Now may I say tracy braxton this is her season She's really come into her being tracy's lost a lot of weight. She put out her single She's doing the video

And I feel like tracy is on fleek. I feel like this is her Jesus christ This is her season to really shine And I'm really proud of tracy actually because she's kind of pulled herself out of the dumps. Yeah, okay, and I um I feel like today I'm kind of mrs. E. That's who I feel like like you feel like mrs. E today. I'm like the major I'm the joe jackson. I'm the matriarch today. Yeah, I'm the main mommy is what I'm saying What what do you think of that? No

That's ridiculous Yeah Um, can I tell you what I did while you were gone? Yeah, of course Well, I've already told you I'll tell everybody else. So Listen, this is top secret. Don't tell anybody. I'm telling you but we got these Yeah, go ahead. What are you doing? I'm getting something ready for the show for this for the show for this episode for this episode But listen to me. I want to tell you. Yeah, so We got these neighbors. They got two

big Dogs Okay, like, you know those real fucking fluffy furry big dogs And as my father says big dog makes big shit And these goddamn dogs, this isn't the first time I go to the yard when I I let theo shit in the front yard, right? And I see a fucking huge ass dog turd It's not for my dog because my dog makes tiny small dog makes small shit. You're so crazy

Big dog makes a big shit. This is not the first time. This is about the fourth time There's stupid dog wanders into our yard Takes a shit that dog a shit on our driveway and that dog a shit in our on our lawn a bunch of times I couldn't take it anymore. Yesterday, by the way, before you tell what happened yesterday I ran into this neighbor And she had two dogs there and guess what one on leash One off leash. Okay. So the off leash dog is the one that shits Wherever I want that off leash dog and never they never pick it up. Nope

No, and that's the problem. It's okay. Listen. Listen, I understand they're dogs And sometimes your dog will wander. I get it and happens But clean up the goddamn shit. She knows that like that dog runs up the driveway goes on the grass Yeah, shit, and then she's like come on and like that's just our and they've left it on the sidewalk Dude, her dog is shit Like way up the street on the sidewalk and I'll be walking theo and there's a huge like horse dump in the middle Of a fucking thing smashed everywhere because people walk on it. Of course. What an asshole. What an asshole So any hoodles I see the the big dog brown on our lawn

And it's nightfall So I wait I go I'm gonna wait for it to get a little darker because it's trash night Everyone's rolling their cans out. I don't want to do it and then one of the neighbors sees me So what I do is I wait for everybody to go to bed And I put theo on leash and I go come on Let's go for a little walk and I get a poop bag and I pick up that dog shit The big dog shit and I walk across to where they live And I put the shit back on their lawn

So now she can have her fucking dog shit back Women are crazy It's your property. I'm just returning. I'm returning your property to you. I'm actually doing her a favor You're like, this is yours. This is yours, man. I'm just I'm just trying to be neighborly Like you're trying to be neighborly, you know what I'm saying? So there you go a little hungarian justice Wow Yeah

Wow That's how you do it in the eastern block. Well, don't fucking let your dog shit on our lawn What would you say to her though for real for real if she was like, hey, I'll be like, bitch. I'm not your pussy one What would you say? I see your dog shits On my lawn. Stop letting your dog shit on my lawn and on my driveway. That's what I would say Here's the problem, but the this neighbor is not rational. I've already had some uh, you've had an incident Yeah, and I did not instigate. This is not me, bro

So, you know what I'm saying when you know that there's crazy you got to fight crazy with crazy How about this kind of crazy? What do you know about this? My young nigga that I know if your girl got a dog, bitch, you ain't got a dog You pull the eat a fuck out every time she get paid she get paid friday, bitch. I with me a bitch I only let me a big out of bed Lock on a fuck out like a pit, bitch. Hmm. I just told my If your girl got a job, bitch, you ain't got a job. You pulled the eat a fuck out every time she get paid She get paid friday, bitch. I with me a bitch. I only let me a big out of bed

Lock on a fuck out like a pit. No clue. What's happening? I just told my young no Man, I got I'm not I got nothing on that one. Let's go She get paid she get paid friday, bitch. I with me a bitch. I only let me a big out of bed Lock on a fuck out like a pit, bitch I think he's saying like if a bitch has a job But like I think he wakes her up and he locks on like a pit bull

Either to get that money or for her to you know to spend that money on him or something You know what? You know what the problem is with this man. You ain't got a job. You pulled the eat a fuck out every time she get paid She get paid friday, bitch. I with me a bitch. I only let me a big out of bed Lock on a fuck out like a pit, bitch Like I told my young nigga that I know if your girl got a job, bitch You ain't got a job. You pulled the eat a fuck out. What's his name again plays plays. You know what the problem applies? His speech his speech patterning is that he doesn't finish his words

Yeah, he says the first half of every word. Yeah, he said if a half Were so you don't understand what the fuck he's talking about. Well, you don't understand the rest of the criminal time criminal time Yeah, he just he speaks he's got flavor. You said you want black people and everything so I love them. Yeah Well, I need subtitles Applies, I'm not sure what's happening. Yeah, but I want to hear what he has to say. Yeah, I think it's important Let's see if our listeners can break that down

Come on Guys, send us what plies is saying Your mom's your mom's podcast at gmail.com. Your mom's podcast at gmail.com. There's no house in the email address Your mom. How your mom. They're the worst Yeah Yeah, my pot. That's how he would say yeah my pot Yes, so I'm little with that right there player. Let's see, um

You know how this McDonald's thing plays out. That was just the beginning. Oh Oh She got disrespected. Yeah, she didn't like that. Yeah Motherfuckers Motherfuckers to yell that and make the honor hilarious. So crazy. I love the utmost respect What did she say? I don't know but I just feel like being like That is so great. It is so crazy No, but I'm thinking with that woman is she teaching you to be like a voiceover actor. Is that the the intent of that?

Maybe like a fully, you know, I mean fully artist or I Now see if that were a television show You would be glued. Yes, that is a great television because I'm waiting for I feel like madness is about to explode right here. I mean To get your refund for the fries you didn't order To push You like your face that means I'm gonna hurt your face

I'm just glad I'm not working at McDonald's that day check this out jeans. I got this for you Ah Here we go ready You'll like this Hi, I'm brett manning. Welcome to the free vocal tip of the week Uh, some have heard this little five six octave demo that I did and said well, he's just like burping Which is vocal fry that Yeah

Some say that's really not a voice Well, I'm not gonna go uh That low because the vocal cord vibration slows down So much that you can hear the individual vibration of the vocal cord that Now how about this vocal fry honestly It wasn't until and this is like this goes for almost all the moments in this scene It wasn't until somebody was actually there telling me You have two in you or you have three in you that like it actually kind of clicked and I'm like, oh my god

This is actually happening. I said night time sharp ends, but I couldn't hit the note if I was night time sharp bands The vocal fry would help me get some substance. So I'm saying Hey Pension or a lot of them honestly are jealous about a way but honestly like I If I get down there, it's just like I believe that it does because honestly the only thing is relationship. So it's honestly the vocal fry gives me some substance

So then when I climb back to the original key I have more voice Wow, there you go Vocal fry in other words if I sing down to the a-flat And I can't reach it I go below the note in vocal fry and then come back up to it with substance. I say Okay Honestly or a lot of them honestly are jealous that away but honestly like That kind of made me uncomfortable when he was doing that

It's a little arousing I want to see I'm sorry. I can't stop. I want to see where this goes the McDonald's employee See you're glued to this. Well. Yeah, because it still has a minute Of her doing there you go. Well, let's find out. So this is the new reality show Oh I was Yeah Okay, huh Well, did she get her money back or what she did? Oh

six nine and nine God Are you stressed out listening to that a little bit? I'm stressed out. I feel like running. Yeah That's kind of a lot. It's terrifying. I feel like That was a lot more than I wanted To get involved with right now and now I feel like going like a flat And I'm muddy And I can't reach it I go below the note in vocal fry and then come back up to it with substance. I say

Oh He sounds like he's dropping loads dropping loads. That's really gross Man intense Can I tell you I've had um like new discovery in brown town? What's that? Well I uh Been eating these flax seed muffins from whole farts. Do you feel like doing this? It hasn't it's been a while So

I've been buying these flax seed muffins from whole farts And I just eat half of one in the morning. I've seen those in the in the Kitchen they're real good. Have you tried one? I have not Well, here's the good news is that It doesn't make me farty But when I make brown the last two days, it's like a ghost poop where I just I know it's a glider But then it it disappears The best part about it is that the wipes totally clean. There's an I don't have to jump in the shower right away

It's a neat story. So It's a really cool story Oh I'm trying to tell you that I can just wipe and pull my pants up. I don't need to Oh my gosh That's so cool So there's nothing there Well, here the crazy part like I I know it's a glider. You know, it's out out of the gate

I look in the in the toilet and there's no brown. It's just it disappeared Wow twice this happened. She haven't even seen the brown. I haven't seen the brown But I know it exists. How do you know it exists because I felt like come out. What if it was just air? No, impossible. Maybe it was not just air. Maybe it wasn't your brown zone fleek Can I tell you the best thing that happened to me? I had an ultrasound Um for my lady bits. Yeah, and you know, you can see it up on the screen and I look up and I go What's that dark area? There's like this just black hole up in my insides and I'm like, oh my god What is that answer? I'm dying and she goes. Oh that that's probably gas

Oh my god And I go that sounds about right. Yeah, that sounds like me. Did you show her how the gas comes out? Uh, I was like, is anyone poop during this before and she's like, nope. I'm all not yet Maybe today. Maybe today didn't happen Oh How's your brown I know you had some trouble it's been really good today And yesterday but monday and tuesday was really bad. It was not on fleek

God damn it. No, no, it was ratchet Such a nerd you're such a nerd What happened to your brown on monday that it was like that? No, oh bad real bad Oh Gets me every time. Yeah, and this guy needs a tv show too. Yeah, that'd be a good show What would you think would be like do me build a three act structure? For one of his episodes. Okay act number one. Yeah, the problem is I have to far I want to fart So he solves a problem he eats a lot of stuff and then act two

He wants to fart, but he can't act three. He farts success. He gets what he wants comes back a change, man The fact that you could say that with a straight face is the best I I'd watch it There's a there's an episode in this. Mm-hmm. There's there's at least 50 50 I mean I could see the eating That could be like like act one is I want to eat this big meal, right? Harry and gross. There's so much food to eat here. I don't know what to eat, you know Today, I'm having a big ass fucking breakfast Oh

I Here's the show here's the show pitch it I'm the studio executive. Let me hear what you got in mind. Here's the show Okay, king ass ripper and mrs. Ass ripper. All right. We're cable. Okay Not on one of our networks. We're on cable And it's about a guy okay who might have some bad Habits, okay. He just wants to find love like everybody else and we

He has to find the lady of his dreams while holding in a fart That's a I mean you see this going for a season 10 to be pacific. I mean, I think you're talking maybe a movie. It sounds like a Oh You know what I do see him on an episode of millionaire matchmaker Wouldn't that be the best like his dating video? Patty would not let him go on a date. I should be like you are disgusting And this whole tidy white with holes and brown. It is not a good look nobody wants to suck that. Okay

I'm not feeling moisture down here I'm looking at you and I'm all dried up because this is disgusting You're gonna shower and we're taking you shopping You're gonna stop stuffing your fucking face where food falls on your gut and you're gonna stop farting like that Stop farting like that And then she's like I'm done with you I'm done with you you're out of the club because there's no woman that wants to fuck you Gosh, this guy just keeps fucking farting. It's so disgusting That's what he would tell patty at the end of lunch and she'd be like i'm done with this guy

But his his video would be total There's an episode why love now Why love now Oh I just want him to find love. I just want this guy to have a girlfriend It's all possible jeans yo, by the way, um, so cal moms that were

Uh, lucky enough to score those tickets. We've been sold out for like three weeks. Yeah for our valentine's day show Sold out quick and we're real excited about it. So we'll see you In pasadena on valentine's day. We're gonna have some slick stuff Meat stuff and raw stuff meat stuff I wish we could find king ass ripper love. That's all I want Yep Yep harry harry and gross speaking of farts. Yeah, I farted on the couch last night Do you remember that fart?

It's not cool, man. There's a really disgusting. I didn't even smell it I don't believe you because I didn't even get away from it. It was really bad Describe it it was like when you walk down a alleyway and It's so sour and you're like, uh, and you realize you're above a sewage like Crate, you know like a A port or ground, you know a hole in the ground. You're like, uh, and it's just raw sewage Yeah, it's really it's stings stings your nostrils. It was like that. It was so fucking disgusting

Not hmm. It was gross Hmm No, it's not. Hmm. You let it match. Yeah, it was disgusting. You're so mad at me about it I was trying to enjoy the evening. It's like multiple choice. It's not we were watching The best fucking new show bros Better call sol And I'm so excited. I don't really like many scripted shows me neither and I rarely get into them while they're airing You know, I'm I'm the binge watcher now where I

Oh a year after it airs, I'll watch it because I can watch it all at once, but When I knew I love I fell in love with Breaking Bad so deeply well after it had started I mean I we started watching it as the show was ending Oh, yeah, you know, there was like an episode left and we started it Yeah, and now it's a better call solves phenomenal. It's so cool to see someone like Bob Odenkirk Um starring in something like this, you know, like I've always been a fan of that dude since mr. Show days and I mean the show the show is fantastic. If you're looking for a great

A great show to get into Set your dvr for better call sol. It's it's really something Yeah, odenkirk. He's a comic, you know feels you don't know and it's good to see comics getting parts like this. It's like Yeah, this is gonna be Huge hit dude. It's so good Really great. It's so well written man I can't all tv shows that are scripted be that good. Yeah instead. We got to watch fucking how I met your mother He's such a fucking asshole. Yeah, he's the best. Yeah. He's such a sleaze ball. I absolutely

I love scumbag characters. Those are my favorite. I love you obviously That's rude. You play an excellent scumbag character. You said in a meeting the other day We had a big show business hollywood meeting and you said nobody plays a piece of shit like my husband That's because we were talking about a pilot that you did where you played a piece of shit And you're so good at I love pieces You know, I love that movie as good as it gets because that mr. Udall character jack Nicholson I love pieces of shit. Yeah. Oh, it's so funny to me We better call saw. Yeah, I'm into it really good. I want 20 episodes of it now now. Thank you

I gotta take a shower smell Sorry, this was late. I'm gonna put it up right now We love your jeans. We'll see you valentine's day Again, we both have a lot of a busy road schedule coming up. So come see us A thousand ranch thousand ranch dot com. Is that the word thousand? Yeah, so the word thousand ranch dot com for christina's tickets and dates tom cegura dot com

For my show dates tickets and of course your mom's house podcast dot com for all that mom news You've been looking for Silly goose. Yeah, um That's it jeans. Um, yeah, sorry about our tardiness this week. It was kind of cray, but thanks for listening Yeah, I love you. All right jeans Bye mommy You're black I

But it gets creepy