Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 284-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 11, 2015

When you're sitting in a meeting it's nice when someone brings you a coffee or farts loudly in to a microphone. It's funny. It just is.  What's not funny? Stepping in dog doo-doo at 4:30 in the AM, tracking it into bed and then realizing your sleeping in poo. It's awful.  We got that new fire for you (hip kid slang) and we break down the "secret enemy." Is there one in your life? Grandma has pipes and sings about that Coco and a black dude yells a LOT at a white dude to wipe that s**t down (his car).  Plus Tina's voicemails are getting crazier and we think we have a plausible theory about them. We also play a classic bit from an oldie but goodie.  Can you believe Tina takes Brown in to the shower?!?!?!?!

This is what I'm talking about important stuff at the top The smart guys they throw their you hear me. Yeah. Oh, yeah Yeah, the guys that are smart to throw their name In the file So you don't have to go searching for it when you play it. Oh, I like this That's why I know Adam this is Austin Maddox, oh And this song is called Hawaii. I love it. It's like a different jam for us. I'm back. Hey Oh, but remember when we went to Hawaii and everyone talked like that. Yeah, what in the night?

La nutty. It's Wednesday. It's March 11th. And if you're doing your duty Which is listen to this show first thing first thing when you wake up, you said duty, you know That I will be at the Ventura Harbor comedy club Ventura, California. I haven't been there in years I'm really excited to go back It should be a lot of fun This is a great place to see stand up if you live in Camarillo, Ohai, Oxnard Santa Barbara Montecito, all of Ventura County

It's a special night special show and the great one and only full charge Matt full run will be with me Oh, it's gonna be fun. It's gonna be a fun show. Hope you can make it man fran disco San Francisco San Francisco The mommies are coming live Up to see you to do the podcast live in your face this Sunday March the

15th, is that correct? Yeah, it's a 730. Yes So that's pretty cool. I know that March 14th the night before We're on that really cool show here in LA just doing spots, but That's Macbatten Quartz room The AA room and it's in the Valley I'll give you the I'll give you the that's it's such an amazing show. Yep. I'm filming a special air one day I know I am Radford Hall Radford Hall, man. It's 13 6 to 7 and a half victory Boulevard Van Nuys, California

8 o'clock You don't have to be in AA It's awesome. Not at all Also next week I'm going to Be in Virginia Beach The Virginia Beach Funny Bones one of my favorite funny bones in the country

I also added a bunch of dates more are pouring in but there's some are on sale now If you go to tomscura.com Let's go to the shows page. You will see that I added San Diego I added Salt Lake City Asheville, North Carolina Chicago is now my special big show in Chicago Phoenix And Brooklyn, New York I know we had to pull back on the the live podcast

We weren't agreed on to do but I am going to do stand-up in July And Seattle Washington in August those tickets are now all on sale at tomscura.com Jeans, what else are you pushing out of your butthole right now? Well, first of all, you said a lot of those city's names wrong I did say I'm wrong Nobody knows Virginia Beach. The only know Virginia Beach. True Chicago. We all know that's how you say that that Yep, Fartnix, obviously Guys April 23rd through 25th, I'm at Go Bananas in Cincinnati, Ohio. That's where I'm from I love Go Bananas. It's a great club. It's so fucking amazing. And then June 18th. That's my Smurf day

That is through the 21st. I'll be at the Denver improv in Denver, Colorado You know, what are you there? What are you in Denver? June 18th through the 21st? Oh, that's exciting. Why? It's a great club and a great city too Yeah, it is. Yeah, and that's you're so funny. Well, it's your Smurf day. It's my Smurf day June 18th And uh, it's also when um, uh, oh my god, Maria is due with her new baby. OMG She's due on the 18th. Maybe she can come to the Denver improv and have her baby during my show Oh my god, you guys stop staring. Yeah, she's on stage. She could deliver her child. That would be awesome I would love for her to do that. I would love for her to do that. I'm going to Chicago too in August

August oh great So, you know at the improv at the improv and then july 23rd to 25th Tacoma comedy club in Tacoma, Washington That place is dope. I can't wait. What are you going bro? July 23rd through 25th. Nice Uh, just to plan your summers out, you know plan your summers out gene Yeah All right, that's awesome. Well, I'm excited I'm excited. Um, I'm excited. What else you got genes? Yeah You ready to do this for your party? I feel like we haven't done it forever. Yeah. Yeah, let's party, man

Let's get going. Here we go genes up for life. They had the emergency clause second adding the emergency clause and discussion Mayor would you like to Oh That's a first To your mom's house You

Just changed the whole game. Did you see what I did you changed the whole game up? You went Tiny instrument style. Yeah. Yeah, usually it's about bigger instruments bigger drums bigger guitars And you turned a pen into a guitar. Yeah, you played it that what what made you do that? Well, tom, I actually it was following your lead. I looked over and I I saw you doing like the tiny monkey You know the monkey chimes. Yeah, I thought you were going there. So I was following what I thought I saw Interesting you inspired me. You know, you never Reason I live I live to inspire. It's what I'm all about inspiration. It's the whole

What's what was that clip we heard I really liked it It's it is a like a moderately full like city council meeting Yeah, they they're uh, it actually there's a little more. Let's go from the beginning because it's such a wonderful clip Sure, sir, man president. Yes, I moved the add the emergency clause second adding the emergency clause and discussion mayor That's a first

The agreement for architectural daylighting You can't keep it together Who farted This is a uh revolving loan that comes from Community development block grant money Um, we've been working on this with the state for literally months. Um, it's been passed through the county We'll wait You know long after we're gone, they're still going to be discussing

I don't know who farted Um They couldn't get through their meeting no, but I like how that woman's still a killjoy Absolutely. She was like, let's stop laughing right now. Yeah When does that happen to women? Like when do you when's the exact moment you lose your sense of fun? We talk about this a lot. What's what's going on with that? Why does that happen? And it's almost like I like when you actually point it out because you point out that like some women specifically are like No more fun. Yeah

Sometimes it's motherhood that it means no more fun. Which you think it would be the opposite, right? I have this new Like sponge child like just taking everything in the world. I'm gonna make fun the number one thing Some of them are like fun is over No fun no frivolity. I get yeah, but you know what that's you know responsibility I assume I get that I understand that like it comes from like You know, this is a big responsibility to mold this this this mind. Sure, but why would you stop fun? I don't know bro first first on the list Like we were we were getting ice cream the other day. Oh yesterday. I like how the other day was yesterday. Yeah

Like you had diarrhea from sushi. Yeah, and we decided To what to get a milkshake And I'm not good with milk Just for the record. All right from diarrhea. Let's say let's go get some milk I don't know if that's just because it's part of my soul has a little bit of In me right so we go to the ice cream shop and We we started doing this thing now where we greet everybody with hey jeans. Hey boo, and then you go

Hello gorgeous. Hey beautiful. Yeah, I said that to the girl behind the counter. I said, yeah, I said I walked I said hey boo, and then she turned I was like, hey beautiful. How gorgeous and she just started laughing like Fuck is wrong with you. This is old man. Yeah old. Yeah, and then you asked her how old she thought I was and she goes 30 versus Five five. Yeah, she gets to write correct right on the nose. I couldn't believe it. That's a first They usually gets 48 and then they don't say 48 59 And I go he's he's 35

But so and then there was a mom there and she had her kid and the kid was all hopped up on sugar Because you just took the kid to get an ice cream sundae and the kid's jumping up and down She's like stop it. Stop it. You're not listening. Stop it 7 30 bedtime. Just moved up another half an hour and the kid was like Well, you're not listening and you're being disrespectful Well, yeah, because you just hopped your kid up on sugar God, what did you think was gonna happen? You think sugar's the focus medicine?

Focus focus That was really funny though jeans when we got snushy yesterday And then you got up after we were done eating and you lied to me and you said you only had to go sissy Number one you lied Which I hate being lied to I didn't lie. I said like uh, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom. We'll be right back It implied you thought that I meant Just number one Ryan you took forever and then you came out. No reason at all

I don't know Who is that guy? You came back and And you were like, whoa You were like, whoa. Oh, that was really bad. Yeah And then we um, well, you know, I told you you can't fool me You know, once a certain food makes me shit explosively a couple hundred times. I'll be like, huh that food's making me shit. Yeah

so I think when I have any type of anything like tempura anything fried in this in the like a sushi roll If I just have sushi and sashimi No explosive shit. Yeah, it's those crazy rolls that make me really explode Right, and then we got the milkshake on top of it, which is hilarious because by the time we got in the car That's when you had panic set in real panic Yeah, real that was the funniest shit of my life. Yeah, I love when you have to go panic diarrhea

It makes me laugh so hard. Yeah um By the way, what? So I just realized that we forgot to bring this up That king ash ripper who we were so remember we we were devoted to this guy for a while and we tried to get him to uh Be on the show and everything. He gave out his email now himself. He gave it out himself his email is

gluttonous slob at gmail.com I'll spell it is glu tt o u s s l o b At gmail that is not an easy one for I can't spell gluttonous. Can you I mean I don't even know if it's yeah gluttonous glu tt O u s s l o b all one word at gmail. He's taking donations To like you can tell me you want him to eat like, you know, okay 16 pieces fried chicken and um

You donate and then he does it what I'm thinking is what if we can get a donation for an interview? To pay him to be on the show. Wait a minute. Are you saying are you essentially proposing a kick starter? Or like the right amount of money and he will do an exclusive interview with your mom's house That's what you're saying and I'm not even asking the audience to pay for it. I'm more than happy To pay for it myself. Yeah, I'm not asking you guys to donate But what I am asking you to do is encourage him to Be on the show. It's a great idea. So look at that email address and just send it gluttonous slob at gmail

um, and you know very kindly ask him Hey king big fan Please go on your mom's house podcast. I know they're willing To pay for it and I think you know huge fans huge fans, you know, you think he'd go with like harry and gross Easier email address, but also maybe taken Yeah maybe or

Um, what's his thing his catchphrase where he's like, oh sniff that ass. What does he say? Oh, uh sniff that one, baby Yeah, or sniff that one baby a gmail. It's a good one. That's a great email. I someone just listening just like oh, I just found out a new email address this uh In this right. I'm glad my latest slip. He eats 10 mcdoubles. Yeah, I already know What's up gaining community gaining community? Wow Okay You need to go to my channel gluttonous slob and go to the pig out check out button

To donate some money to me For any requests and challenges you may have Just donate money And I'll fucking pig out on anything you want 999 one-time offer see Any questions email me at gluttonous slob at gmail.com I mean, he's putting it out there. Yeah What about hey, man?

100 bucks, please come on the show. That's 10 times your numb your request to eat something Well, and like why doesn't he have a normal hello website like hello squarespace.com? Maybe he could build himself a proper website. What if we talk him into it? It's not a bad idea Now he said go to the the page and hit at checkout. So what does that mean? I don't know Hey, because his videos are on live leak. What page is he keeps getting flagged on youtube? I need to go to my channel gluttonous slob. See oh channel at live link. Okay And go to the pig out checkout button

To donate some money to me. Okay for any requests and challenges you may have Just donate money And I'll fucking pig out on anything you want poverty in the inner city 999 one-time offer Any questions email me at gluttonous slob at gmail.com. Okay Oh Well, I'm fucking hungry tonight. I hate when he eats stop there fucking mcdonald. I won't play He knows I like lots of fucking mayonnaise out everything I ordered a whole fucking shit ton of mcdouble

10 mcdouble Wait, what's a mcdouble exactly? Uh, sounds like a double patty. So two like two quarter pounders No, I think a mcdouble is like, you know the patty Times two with cheese and stuff. So it's like a cheeseburger times two. It's like eating two cheese. So 20 cheeseburgers That is so and it's a lot of well. It's a lot. That's the thing. It's not food That's the thing. It's not food. It's so crazy to be like, why'd you have for lunch? I had 20 cheeseburgers It isn't food. It's mcdonald's meat. Yeah, mcdonald's meat is so gross. Yeah, it's sorry mcd. Yeah, it's delicious But 20

Hot, you know, if you eat mcdonald's and it's not hot, you'll find out how gross It should be piping hot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, nothing grosser than a cold fry in mcdonald's But if you're drunk, I haven't been drunk in a long time But hammer drunk and eating like one of their cheeseburgers and fries. That's a good time. It's heaven on earth. Yeah That's a good time. You get the sweet and the salty to ketchup on the fries. I know how to do it You're looking out for you I Sorry

All right, count some out I'm an animal that he's a real animal You know speaking of mcdonald's when we got I got a hot fudge sundae yesterday while you had your milkshake Yeah, and I just realized how super white trash I am that I don't like real Like fudge sundaes. I don't like real they gave me real nuts and I was like, don't give me that You know, you sound like that guy who was like, uh, I like all fucking chain restaurants I like fake maple. I do. I'm white trash. I like the mcdonald sundae with the the nuts that are prepackaged

I like the fake ass tasting chocolate Sunday. Yeah, I like craft shaky cheese I like craft macaroni and cheese. I like the shaved parmesan like straight from the source. You bougie. That's why And you like the crafty shaky and ragu spaghetti sauce like and I like rouse arabiata sauce. Yeah, wow That's a total class distinction thing, man. Yeah, I know I'm lower middle class as ryan ciggler would say no, he's No, he's uh He's lower middle class. No, that's not the term he uses. Yeah, I thought I think he uses upper lower class, isn't it? I don't know. Fuck. I forget it. Isn't is it lower middle class? Yeah

Lower middle class. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah Lower middle class How can we not have this guy on the show? That's one That's good. That's good. Yeah, this video is called friday night farts There's no edit right now. You know people always accuse them of farting between edits Okay, now we've not had it The bed has no mattress. Oh, no mattress has no sheets So gross

Oh I like that he said Oh, dude, what's up gaining community Gaining right? Yeah, like the fat people. Yeah, they want to get fat Oh boy Oh Fuck I feel like you could give him a run for his money in what regard both farting and burping I don't know

He's doing the leg pump. I love doing the leg pump your leg pump. Yes your leg pump the exact dude That's your move. I think we got it. You got to stop the show for a second. Okay. Hold on Come over a second. I'm not going to stop it, but just come over and see this How can you steal your proof? You just got to see it. Okay. Okay. Hurry. How do you know us? Okay now, wait Wait, I keep watching the leg keep watching the leg watch the leg You guys are kidding me Yeah, yeah He's an absolute animal so disturbing

No, he's just laying on a dirty mattress and he's got a hole in his panties I remember dudes in college college guys that used to lay on their Mattress with no sheet and I'm always like the fuck is wrong with you, man. Dogs. Yeah, like you're obviously It's not going to be like now we're changing sheets all like a civilized adult But like you got to have a sheet on the mattress don't sleep just on the mattress I had a roommate who his window was broken Okay glass was broken. It was san francisco Is that you?

That's uh our boy here. Sorry It would rain onto his bed because his bed was next to the broken window and he didn't have sheets on his bed either And he just slept like that like a dog It's pretty amazing. Yeah Yeah Rain he imagined what that smelled like Yeah, his room was foul and he kept but after the rain dry milk cartons in his room a curdle milk Yeah, he's he was all kinds of nasty. He saw aliens too. He was crazy. He had problems. Okay. Well, that guy's meant to be ill

Yeah, there's something else God damn Stuff like a fucking pig with a roast inside me Oh It's hard to listen to God he's so gross All right, it's making me nauseous the burps Okay, I hate the burps. I like the farts. I don't like the burps

Well, you know I do what I can You take the good you take the bad. Yeah, I mean don't get you know, don't get you don't get all bougie on me. Okay You're the one Yeah, that yesterday was pretty rough man. Remember when mad brunger was on and he went, you know, same same strokes for same folks But didn't somebody say that and he was quoting that different strokes. It's different strokes for different folks strokes for everyone's the same Um, well speaking of gross there's been a lot of pushback about my preferred

cleanup method God, thank god, you know, I discovered this on the air I'm so glad I got to discover it with listeners But you're a fucking crazy person. I am not Do you realize what you mean? Do you have the nerve to call king ass ripper disgusting? Right Your you confess. Yeah, I didn't say confess. You just came out and said That sir sometimes you brown And then you go from the toilet to the shower

But with no wife in between. Yeah, what's the point? whole What's the point? First of all, it's a revelation. I didn't know. I mean like This is this is like a couple being married for a few years and then one of them like saying like, oh, you didn't know I worse for satan Yeah, it is not that bad. It's like you telling me that like, uh, sometimes you you shoot heroin It really is it's that dramatic I got a lot of tweets A lot of tweets about it

A lot of emails. First of all, how long have you been doing that? Is that a lifelong thing? I want to know Actually, I feel like I just started doing that because of how our bathroom set up um Now that's a recent development because I just started having that wiping problem where it's like a never-ending wipe and That just seemed like a natural solution It's so it's so disturbing. I mean, it's like when you told me That the return's on the ground and I just couldn't wrap my head around it

Yeah, you stayed at the hotel. I stayed but to stay on this for a second. Sure, uh, brandon writes Mommy tina The difference between a shower and a bidet Is that you don't stand or bathe in the basin of a bidet? I love you both Please at least wipe down one time Before your shit shower to reduce shower brown You're so crazy

I mean, it's really crazy babe. It really is. But what can I let me come out may I present my side? May I may I yeah, is that I don't like wipe you sometimes? Because then you're just mashing the brown against your butthole and that's not productive either You got to get a let just the first layer of brown in the toilet and not in the shower I mean, it's really crazy that this has to be explained to you I feel like i'm explaining wiping to a toddler right now Who's like so brown then then we wipe to a shower time and you're like no no first wipe then you take a shower You know because you don't want just

But there's not like chunklets of poo. It's not like there's briquettes on the ground. This is crazy I think you're a crazy person right now. It's really crazy Chunks in the toilet. There's no chunks It's not like that guys I don't know what your your maybe our definition of a lot of brown on the paper is different You know what I mean for me? It's a lot for you. It's probably just a walk in the park, you know It's really crazy. Well, here's some support Christina

You are so awesome for not wiping before getting in the shower. Come on somebody wrote this Yeah, my friends and ex-girlfriends always say how horrible it is. It's just efficient and makes sense Thanks for not making me feel alone on the issue. I don't even believe this And this is best it goes and tom thank you for opening my eyes to the real man I now shower five times a day and my bathroom is stocked with a multitude of colognes Your bathroom is stocked with colognes cologne. Yeah, cologne's the worst Oh It's just well, I'm not gonna stop

I'm not stopping because you guys are shaming me about this is my preferred method now I go straight from shitting to the shower. That's how I roll now. That's it. Have you ever seen brown in the shower tom? Have you ever seen pool in the shower? No No, well I know it's there though. It's not there It is there It's there and you got to stop it I'm gonna make um

Yeah, I got tweets that were just like losing my mind right now listening to this The thing is and everyone tells me to use one wipe charlie's And I've tried it guys like no, but I don't think you need to do that If you're going if you're gonna go to the shower what you need to do is just with regular tp Wipe once yeah, but sometimes one initial wipe, right? But sometimes I'm saying like it's not I know it's not a massive cleanup job But sometimes I'm like, I know it's not sloppy back there

But I just brown and I yellowed and I'm just going to shower right now. Oh, it's no No It's really crazy I like it. We got to get another shower I'm shower. You're making me shower in your toilet. Yeah. Yeah, that's not cool. Well, we're married. We do everything together Yeah, but babe, we're supposed to do that. That's what couples do that. It's really crazy couples do that I brown on your yellow you shower and my brown It's not it's not how it's supposed to go

I just it's really hard. We're married tom People yeah People are blown away by you. Okay, whatever Uh Speaking of stepping and shit like a prisoner No, yeah, nah Speaking of stepping and shit, uh, I woke up to go take a piss at like my time was a genius a fucking night about 4 30 in the morning So what happened you tell?

well I'll admit this I went in there to pee and I felt a little bit of wetness Somewhere on on like I forget where on my foot, but I was like that's just like You know, I mean when you walk in the bathroom and you feel a little wet On the like the side of your foot. You're like that's from you just thought that was my brown No, I thought it was like wet uh floor mat like sure, you know, it's 4 30 in the morning I peed sure I get in bed I think me going back to bed woke you up a little bit. Yeah, I'm gonna take it and then I hear you go, uh

No Like what the fuck Like a what and you're like, I just stepped in diarrhea So I sit up And then I open the sheet of the like the mat, you know the cover And I look and there's shit on the bed and on my foot that I had brought in the bed. It's like a motherfucker 4 30 in the morning so

Then there's just there's shit on the door. How did that shit get on the door? Because I stepped in it and then I I was barefoot and I panicked and I like I jumped up and it kicked it up and it flicked the poo On the door. God that was fling to the poo. Oh God it makes me makes my skin crawl just thinking about stepping in dog and not just dog shit mind you Theo had De Roya, it was diarrhea Yeah, it was like a blob and it reeked

You know like the smell of dog diarrhea is so distinct It was strong smelling You were so you were like, oh my god, it's the smell. Ah, you're like dry heaving and we're we're spraying nature's miracle on it Cleaning everything up before in the morning Fucking dog. It was really crazy, man So then not only did we have to clean up diarrhea dog shit from the bathroom from the door We had to shower our feet To wash shit off of them, which is perfectly normal to do in the shower

Then we had to uh Oh, then I had to fucking take the sheets off Get new sheets on the middle of the night we had to find the one First of all, Tom and I have like one clean pair at a time We're not these people that keep our lives organized where there's like a stock pile of clean things all the time Like there's one clean thing at a time in this house. Yeah max and that's with help There's like one towel that we share One sheet

That's it guys. We're lucky. I remembered we had a spare one in the kitchen of all places I kept like the very first sheet we bought when we got the satva mattress and dug that thing I was like sandpaper because I got it from target Put that bitch on Yeah, it was crazy man. That was really crazy. Um, we have got to Later on go through some of this inbox. It's crazy right now. You realize that right? Yeah For our mom your mom's uh podcast email. I go I just wonder I go through all the time

There's so much stuff here that we haven't like the videos you mean or just links. Yeah Yeah, I know Well, let's say I wanted to save for san francisco. Okay, but I mean there's way way more than enough for san francisco Yeah, we just our email we love getting them. So please don't stop sending them. We love um people telling us their their emails Um, somebody just wrote I love the show. I discovered a few months ago I've been reaping the benefits of a high and tight lifestyle ever since My wife doesn't listen to podcasts, but let's you know my new mommy behavior has been bleeding into her life as well The other week I started to take some applies advice

Um, my you see my wife has a job and she gets paid on friday So I decided that friday morning. I was going to eat my wife's booty and lock it down on it like a pit She loved it. I am however concerned about something The other night night other night my wife and I were laying on the couch watching tv and blurted out without even thinking about it Are you ready for bed jeans? And she says yeah, what did you call me jeans? I'm concerned because she has taken to it. She doesn't listen to the show She doesn't really understand the true meaning of her jeans, but she likes it nonetheless

So I guess my question is is it okay to call my wife jeans. Oh, it's not like plagiarism or something Is it I'd appreciate your opinion on the matter. Thanks Matt Matt It's kind of like when you're trying to get people to go to go with jesus And they just say spread the gospel You know and they're just talk about the gospel spread the word of the lord And you know just always talk about how great it is and then eventually you'll win some people over It's the same thing. You got to talk about jeans. Of course. You can call her jeans

Maybe, you know, we're very happy that that the show encouraged you to eat your wife's ass on a friday And I think it'd be great if you um slowly got her into the lifestyle for the lifestyle Well, just like when joe rogan was on and he asked what's with the jeans. Yes We explained it to him the jeans is everything jeans is the jeans. You're an extension of the jeans We're all part of one team jeans So feel free to use it. Yeah, of course use it. We're all spokes in the same wheel And you know what's neat is um when I was in dc this last week a lot of people brought

People who had never seen us or heard the podcast just like they're converting people. It's so funny I had a mom bring her two daughters in dc. How cool is that? And she's like i'm a huge mommy. I'm like, oh my gosh. It's so funny Yeah, it's pretty awesome. What else happened on the um on the plane. Did you uh Did you label somebody? Yeah, well, I um I told my shrink about it today. I had a I had a secret enemy. It's such a funny term Like it's it's so perfect to just I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, and that is like in life you just For no reason or like me and you. Yeah

We don't get along buddy to somebody you're not even speaking to really. Oh, I don't even I don't know this here. I'll tell you what happened. So I get on the plane I always sit by the window That's my seat because I like to control the light modulation You know I'm saying I like to lean up against it for naps and I feel like give more space You're in your own bubble there. The only problem is it sucks to go potty, you know Because you have to ask people to move but whatever gives me so much anxiety that that's why I always take the aisle

Really? Is that why you've chosen the aisle all these years? Yeah Huh because I like I like being able to stand As many times as I want and not feel like I'm bothering someone. Wow. See I'll um That's really interesting because I feel the same anxiety which is why I limit my Fluid intake before flights on purpose. Yeah, but who do you know that drinks? Fucking four coffees and then I know and bottles of water all day every day I mean I never stop plus you got to drink your jack and coax at six in the morning. I have whiskey No ice usually three or four times in an hour flight. Yeah

It's free though. I remember we're gonna get it as free. Would you pay for that? Nothing? Yeah, yeah free. So anyway, I sit down in my seat your life, sir And this fucking total mom boner, you know what? I mean like there's dad boners and then there's the mom The total mom overload. She's got the mom look Like look I dress I shop at the gap too, but she's like the poster child for the gap mom You know I'm talking mom. She's my age around She sits down next to me and she's reading her stupid us weekly which immediately I judge Because I'm like, oh you're dumb. You're one of those girls you read like stupid celebrity rags

What a dumb bitch like that immediately and so I have the blinds open for takeoff because I like to see the world I say goodbye to the world. I shut the blinds and she she immediately looked up like Like I see she was in a huff that I shut the light source down But in my hand, I'm like bitch just fucking turn on the overhead dummy. That's what that's for that is what that's for So immediately she's already my she's my enemy now Like fuck you bitch you push back on my decision to close the blinds, right? And then a fence number two

She turns on the tv and she's watching like The fucking kardashians. She's watching like the e-channel And I'm like stupid bitch. What a dumb fucking ironically. I wrote from the e-channel like I've been on that channel I've written on like you know what you're doing then two shows you're priming What's that priming is like when you're you you're building That emotion in yourself But with what you're like watching so like if you're you know, like you're watching fights on tv Yeah, fight fight and then you you get primed to fight

Your emotions are Get ready to do what you were just basically engaged like well. I was watching furry That movie furry furry with brad pit. Yes. So maybe that's why I was real fired up because I was fighting nazis Yeah, and I look over and so in the third offense in my mind is that I see her emails open She's on her computer and I pretend to have my hoodie over my eyes. I pretend like I'm sleeping and I read her email and it was like It was one of those like total mom overload emails where she was like Jackson

Isn't very good at handwriting and I don't feel as though we should bully him Into handwriting if he's not ready for it Jackson's gonna learn at his own pay and it was one of those things where she was venting Because a really long email and she wasn't sending it like all about Jackson's handwriting Yeah, and I was like bang. I hate you. I fucking hate you and the whole time. I was thinking hate thoughts at her And like just throwing hate daggers at her even from the time we we disembarked I was like get the fuck away from me, but wait, so but then you told you shrink about it Yeah, and it's you know, it's the complicated but basically I don't like

my mom loved like trashy tabloid II things and all the bimbos my dad Banged my whole life right were dumb broads And uh, and that's the cause of my misery around like dumb broads. Isn't that crazy though? It's really interesting It's not gonna do with her. It was like I just fucking hate broads like that I think what's interesting. It will be the very the very next time you're around that It'll process differently. Yeah, because you had like a realization about it the frame of reference. Yeah Anyway, I have a very different flight than you

I had oh, here we go. I sat to The number one women's tennis player in the world. Steffi graph Serena Williams So crazy. How did you even recognize her? Like how do I not recognize her? Because I wouldn't know her face if I saw it like I would have to see her in the outfit and then I go Oh, that's fucking venus or serena point two seconds to recognize her and what did you say? Were you like, what's up, bitch? Actually the first thing I said to her was you're the greatest

Because it was impulse. It was uh, it was no thinking. Yeah, like I was I'm aisle I put my stuff on it down on the aisle On the seat and I put my bag over and then I'm grabbed my backpack and she's like Standing behind me like, you know, and I go, oh, are you like, you know, excuse like you're you're going in to the window Let me move and then I was like, oh And I looked at I go, you're the greatest and she was like, thank you And I was like this and I and then I mean I go, I promise I'm not gonna bother you on the flight I was like, oh, it's no problem. And then she couldn't have been she studied for most of the flight

What did she study? She's uh taking pre-med classes. What? Yeah, she mean wait a minute. So she wasn't reading us weekly Yeah, it's a little different than what you saw. She's like pre-med. I go. Wow. She goes. No, I don't think so I just like learning about like the body and all that I go. Yeah, you're an athlete kind of makes sense Then she was like, oh, I'm trying to do this Like questionnaire thing right now. What's a good movie? I was like like any movie she was any movie So we started I started listing movies. I was like coming to america and she was like, oh, that's a good one Give me another one

I forget. Did you suggest that one because she's black. No, it's a classic. I said any great move and then I said There's black people and now you like that. Yeah, I go they do voices. I could do voices and then I was like, I don't know good fellas Um, and I listed another one that she was like, that's the one that's a good one Oh, I said the fugitive and she was like, that's a good one And then we talked about what's good movies out now talk about tennis Football, she's a part owner of the miami dolphins by the way. Crazy. So it was kind of cool like to talk about football a free agency And um, you know, I said I didn't know that she lives in palm beach

I thought she lived out here. She's a place out here, but she lives in palm beach and um, you know, I talked about it lives in florida too and And she's coming out for a tournament and so we talked about tennis for a while Did you give her your number? Are you guys gonna hook up or? Yeah, she's I mean, I gave her my number I don't know if she's gonna call Yeah Did she watch netflix was like mike tyson that was so she actually had a netflix up and I go oh shit I go, oh, it's not gonna stream on the fly

She goes, what's the point of wi-fi if you can't I go, yeah, it doesn't work on On the for netflix streaming videos and I was like i'm on netflix And then I realized like as I said that that I talk about her in my special Very briefly very briefly And it's very I go, um, I don't want to die But if I do I like it to be like something like a good death Like serena williams is sitting on my face That's right and venus is polishing me off and they're both trying to fit a racket in my ass. That's great. Yeah, so

That's really nice. That would be really special if she she watches you and then she's like get get your life I sat next to this pervert. I sat next to this guy. He was really nice. Yeah. What this animal? Yeah, yeah, yeah, because you're so unassuming when people meet you in real life You're so nice and then they see your stand up and they're like who is this homeless animal homeless animal Who's telling me that the dcm probably manager there was like it's so funny because both you and tom offstage are so Yeah, you too by the way. Why no, she's like you guys are the sweetest people offstage. You're like crushed dicks I'd be crushing all kinds. Are you done making fun of my? I'll give you two dollars

We are so Which by the way, didn't didn't I get that today? Yeah, you did Bro, I invented bro Shut your mouth shut your mouth. Well, that's neat that you met. Um Serena, where's venus? Where's she didn't ask thought it might be inappropriate to ask. Really? Yeah. Hey, where's your sister? Yeah, I thought that would be that's true You said that she had her boyfriend with her. Yeah, he's her coach too Her boyfriends are coach, but he was they weren't sitting next to her. You sat next to her

I mean, I didn't I didn't know and you know that that's who that was they never asked me to move so Did you hold her hand? Um, I did the thing where you're like, is this okay? Can I kiss you? Did you ask her can I kiss you? And she said you can stiff my butthole like, um, you know Like I'm what's her name is underwood. Yeah Claire Underwood like robin right that is so Funny dude, we did it last night. I was cooking and we were like, wait, how does she greet you? Claire Underwood greets you. So like you're meeting her robin right pen. You're like, hey, my name's tom and what does she do? Uh, she she turns around. Yeah, she drops her underwear. Yeah, she spreads her cheeks and then

You you're just supposed to go, you know, but she doesn't ask you you're just supposed to get real close and go Like that take a sniff and then she drops her cheeks to pull the blender and she's like now What were you wanting to know? Can I help you with something? She is so proper and she's she's she's doing a really good job this season Do you want to play the interview that I got in dc? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah I had the most amazing chat with a mommy after one of my shows in dc this week So it was very surprising and and I never in a million years

Anticipated that anybody would say anything like this like it just never come out of somebody's mouth and I thought it was fantastic So I recorded him. Okay. Hold on. Okay. So, okay. What's your name? Cory. Cory. And where do you work the United States Senate? And what did you tell me you were more I listened to you and your husband talk about shitting on the United States Senate floor Like how you're standing next to like real people. Yes, like uh any senator you can think about Or name Do you ever fess up to it? Are you like? Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm standing next to john mccain listening to uh, you're uh Brown towns and everything That is my favorite thing I've ever heard

No, no, no, no, what's worse. What's worse is like I I have to keep a straight face As I'm listening to you and your husband talking about shitting your ass off dental updates everything And oh, it's it's so nasty sometimes and I'm like And they're just they're talking about holy shit, man Could you imagine? Yeah, that's incredible. This guy works on the senate And he's listening to us and having to hold it together and like john mccain standing like I thought that was so funny And I'm standing next to the united states senators Uh

The prime minister of fucking israel that's crazy and you have to hold it together. I love that. Oh, I try to Hey, how true is house of farts? Not very true Really? You want you want to fuck frank underwood though me? No, I want I want I want claire to shit in my mouth Just like your husband She'll sniff your butt. You have to sniff her butt first though. I love it. I love it. Got it. All right. Thanks, man You knew he knew yeah, you knew and you knew to correct him. Yes, it's sniff her butt smelled but not eat it

What's funny? He told me too after we stopped recording. He goes He goes so You know that joke that tommy tells about sniffing her, but he goes I tried telling that at work at the senate and they didn't think it was very funny. That's really funny. Yeah I love that. He was like guys guys You know on house of cards How do you uh robin right? I bet like when she when she meets people She's like you gotta sniff my butt. You gotta sniff my butt if you want me to talk to you and they're all like

Okay I can just picture People that work on the senate floor with him, you know, they're all dressed up and they're tired. They have their They're bad or something on and they're like Cory. What are you talking about? What are you doing, bro? What do you mean sniff her? What are you saying? That was so inappropriate, you know, it's never it's never but It's fun This is funny

Sniff her butt So there you go, your mom's house made it all the way to the senate. That's pretty incredible. I would never in a million years Can see that's pretty amazing that we would make it all the way to the white house. You guys we're in there Hey, um, I found uh The white house the white house he goes to obama's house, right? Yeah, for sure. Um So, you know, it's pretty pretty horrible this, uh Oklahoma chapter of some fraternity They're singing their song and it's like all big words, you know

And they're shutting them down and yeah, yeah, it's really crazy. It's really crazy. They're singing Jesus really awful song so They anyways, they're just being very racist big words Um, so I thought it'd be fun to play a black guy yelling at a white guy In a parking lot. Um, so basically I think this this What I put together from this video is that a white guy Uh thought that this car had stolen his spot in a parking lot like you know, someone steals your spot So the white guy threw something

On that guy's car From his car what I think would be like I don't know. Um His drink maybe Anyways, there's something on his car and then the black dude makes this guy He flips out and he makes the guy Clean his car Right there on the spot, but he's super pissed about it and he stays at a 10

For a while It's really Down here No I don't know what Oh Geez pretty intense wipe it down wipe it down. I like to show So I don't know when the audio

When the audio drops it's dropping and within the the video. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's it's pretty crazy and He never stops he stays that intense For like for a minute like eight minutes. He's still at that level. What the shit the whole time Then I'm going to give you money to get it detailed. I'm going to give you cash to get it detailed It never stops damn it's really intense There's nothing though that I understand more than the rage that accompanies having your car fucked with Yeah, something about your car Above like all else. I mean, I don't know if it's probably most people's most significant purchase or one of them

And it's you know, you take pride in your vehicle Sure And having somebody throw some shit or like when I see I don't care what you do I see somebody like have their their car keyed or something. I'm like Dude, I can stab that person if you find them Especially dudes, that's the way to fuck with a dude. He's like fuck with his tires or yeah Yeah Fuck with the key the car. Yeah, my stepdad would uh stab some tires. That's so crazy

I know that's the one when you used to tell me that your stepdad was crazy I'd be like, yeah, everybody says like, you know, my uncle's crazy again And then you're like he'd stab tires in parking lots. I'd be like what? Yeah, we'd be getting ice cream. We'd be on our way to getting thrifty ice cream And uh, because he liked pistachio that was his flavor and he'd be like, hold on. I gotta do something Get out of the car stab his hire get back in the car. We'd go for ice cream like nothing But that was that person's tire like that was a oh, it was a target. We knew it was a specific person It was retaliation for something

So crazy that's just the tip of the iceberg man. I know it's insane. I know Yep, the insane part is that when you grow up with that you think that that's normal You really thought that was normal I knew it was a little off but because you're so young and you're in the context of it You're just like, well, that's what we do. That's what my family does. It's really crazy Stab tires now as an adult, don't you go like in the fact that he thought that was okay in front of kids Dude crazy that is to establish that as a norm. Yeah, it's it's all crazy. It kind of makes you go Yeah, but he wants him to clean it I get it

You wipe it motherfucker. Well, but all the guy has is a paper towel. So he's wiping You can't really see what's on. I don't know what what's on there But then he's like, I'm gonna give you money to get this clean too. He's trying to cut, you know, I guess he's trying to apologize, but Brutal I don't have any water You would like spray the windshield We don't give this in detail too We see

Then a security guy I thought I stole I thought he stole my spot So he's saying that he sprayed something on me You Then in the vet this goes on and on but the last image you see is the police there And they arrest the black guy. What? Yeah, whoa, that's what I saw Yep, it's the last thing

And then I see the cops and they have them they're leading them on a car and they're That's cool. That's fair, right It's normal crazy. Where did that happen? Do we know what's in? Actually sucks Let's see. Can I tell where that is? I don't know I can't tell Well, that uh frat song was ridiculous too. I Yeah, we shouldn't I don't want to play because I don't want to give it

But that was fucking crazy those we had those guys on our campus the zae's whatever these guys are. Yeah douchebag and oklahoma too. Like really? Yeah. Uh-oh. It's the uh It's the midway point of the show Here we go Oh I'm in love Me love I'm in love

Oh I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love with the cold cold I've got it for the low low I'm in love with the cold cold I've got it for the low low Hey, I'm in love with the cold cold

Cocoa? Yeah, this lady is amazing. This lady's singing this song and she's wearing like her like her red hat society hat She looks like she's I mean, it's not the greatest image quality, but it looks like she could be Definitely like 70 And she's singing this. Uh, I'm in love with the cocoa Jeez, so Make the drink Uh like the the yeyo Oh

So she's playing on this song here, but you're here right now This is the real version, yeah What's up dog Let's hear it I'm in love with the cold cold Oh But now hearing this it's cool. I got it for the low low I kind of like it. I'm in love with the cold cold

All right I'm in love with the cold cold. It's cool. That's all right. Yeah. I got it for the low low Oh So, you know that you know that like you hear that then listen to this woman sing though. Listen to her sing. Yeah I've got it for the low low Yeah I'm in love with the cold cold cold cold cold cold. Got it for the yeah Yeah, I got bacon soda

Almond hammer Bitch, I got bacon soda Almond hammer Bitch, you got bacon soda Almond hammer It's great the label on the video says when your grandma x drug dealer gang member and saved Wow Right, right and saved

Hashtag saved. I think she's got some pipes on her though. Yeah, she's real. I thought I was auntie fifi at first And I was like, oh, this chick can really sing. Fifi would not be happy with this though No, this is not promoting anything christlike. Fifi don't take no drugs Wow Fucking I think she's on the cocoa I think she thinks she's on it too. She's having a good night with the cocoa right now She's having a lot of fun. There's a lot of fun

I'm in love with the cocoa Unreal that's amazing Um, I heard some new slang in that song that I wanted to share with you. Yeah, are you ready to hear my new slang? I'm ready So I got this from a young lady in dc who's from brooklyn. She's only 20 years old And uh, I'm just gonna run some by you and see if you know what they mean Oh, oh, I mean you talk you you talk about that new shit. Yep that new new. Okay. She on that new new right now Okay, are you ready? I'm ready

Okay, the word clutch Well, and that's clutch Well, that's not new right that's new to me like when something's clutch Yeah, she said that's that's a hip word all the kids are saying now No, it's a hip hip happening kind of word. What are you doing? What are you googling it right now? No, man. Come on What? You know that word But I don't know any I mean clutch is like

Something's key like you know, that's I didn't know that that would be unless there's a new definition to clutch Well, I all right clutch like if you're like that's a clutch move That's clutch that you got that like that's key That's right. That's right. Tom. It was defined to me as tight or on point Is she that's how she broke it down for you. Yeah, okay. She's a hip girl You know, like I said as long as she's hip hip and rad Uh, kind of a bitchin kind of gal. You are like kind of grooving You are a fucking dad boner. Oh man, you're nerd to the nerd power right now. She's a kind of groovy gal. Yeah, okay

Are you ready for your next one? Mm-hmm What does it mean when you say that shit got me tight? That shit got me tight. Yeah, I I would think that that that shit got me feeling good Like that that's just right wrong wrong wrong Okay Okay Okay, okay wrong wrong. Okay. No, it's supposed to mean and it got you mad Okay

The best is that he pushes the buttons. I love it always man Okay, are you ready? So that shit got me tight. It got me mad. You got you mad. Okay supposed to say mad Okay, so now there's turn up And then turn down You know what I'm saying? So you turn up Yeah, but then you turn it's getting it's on like it's party. This is fucking hype Right, but I'm confused because you turn up means you get crank and get crank or whatever, right? But then you go turn down. I'm not turning down

But they essentially mean the same thing to turn up and turn down are the same because you're like I'm not gonna turn down right now. Oh, right mean down for what right right, right? Okay. I feel yeah Turn up for what? I love that line. Yeah. Oh my gosh, so It essentially means the same you turn up You get a crank, right and then turn down Mm-hmm. Okay. It's the same thing. Okay. Are you ready for more? Yeah, what if you say that shit blew me?

Um That shit blew me. Yeah Like spell blew me blew That should blew me son. That shit blew me or that shit blew me that shit blew me Like gave me a blow. Well, I guess. Yeah. Yeah I guess that should suck Yeah, it made me mad. That's what she said. That should like it made me mad. Okay. Okay. That's what's up. Okay. Yeah Turn down for what?

Turn down for what yet? Yeah, that Yeah, but blew me and got me tight I'm still I'm a little confused. Is that what that new kevin heart will ferrell movies gonna be? Yes. I'll get hard It's totally if he's gonna be like turn down for what? I'm your homeboy. Yeah, are they ever gonna stop making that film? It's never not funny when there's like always even with the two funniest fucking guys in it I saw like a not even a trailer. I just saw a beat of it

And I was like that is totally like you're super white. I'm super black. It's ebony and ivory dude But it looks like the same shit like remember when fucking steve martin did it with like queen latifah And he was like he walked in with his hat to the side. He was like, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo They never do it right. They never do it. Well, they always do it like They always try to get it too middle of the road So they like it has too much appeal and it stops being funny at fucking really early because it's not a bad formula I mean stir crazy. Remember gene wilder was richard prior. Yeah, it can't be done You know eddie murphy and um 48 hours, right? Wasn't that the first time they did that shit?

I don't know if it was the first but that was way fun. The buddy cop the black the cool black guy Who teaches the white guy the scenarios so it doesn't seem super cheap Wait, what does he goes do you like rap music? Can you say yo, baby? Yo, baby. Yo, what movie is that? I don't remember. Do you like rap music? I think that's eddie murphy. Is it you say yo, baby? Yo, baby. Yo But those scenes they they were a little more grounded like they the way that they I feel like with nullty and murphy they felt a little more grounded to me Yeah, because eddie murphy really kind of was that guy from that culture like he really could represent a bit I guess. I don't know who fucking knows look

I still like all that stuff makes me laugh. Yeah, that shit's funny I I still don't get the difference to turn up and turn down. You know what i'm saying? I thought you were giving me information Yeah, but i'm i'm a little confused because it's the same shit different toilet. You know what i'm saying? Yeah How's these kids these days? Well, I mean I can look it up if you want to be Here it is Turn down a phrase used by irritated white people when others say turn up taking the phrase literally So they're saying it's like

Turn up turn turn up turn up man turn down already and shut the fuck up Oh, so whitey it's like it's a retaliatory Uh response to all the turnips to the turnips gotcha gotcha turn up for one Yeah, gotcha Well, there's your slang lesson Scared me. I wasn't expecting I like this Yeah, bro

Oh Bacon soda I got bacon soda Bacon soda I got bacon soda. It's ridiculous. I like it a lot whip it through the glass nigga I'm in love with the Yeah, many views this music video has a million and 11 billion 104 million easy because it's about drugs. Everyone loves drugs. That's That's I think the ticket somebody should run on in 2016 coke up. No, everyone loves drugs ever guys I'm gonna talk about I'm gonna be president and the thing is everybody everybody loves dogs. Yeah, you're smart

But all the sales all sales are final Dude, did you see the fucking fucking bro, bro, bro that julianne more Movie that's out. That's it's like a it wins awards and stuff What is going on with that description you just gave did you see the movies with the awards? What? What you know what i'm talking about. I saw it preview for it and I was like, this is the ultimate white bummer movie This is white bummer supreme. It was her hate white bummer Fucking a bro, and it's like all these awards and it's julianne more who's fantastic and she's like I'm not dying of alzheimers. I'm struggling with it and you're like, oh

Yeah, who the fuck wants to see this bummer. It's a white bummer movie. That's god. It's a real bummer of a movie Like get your life who the fuck would pay money to see who the fuck to get bummed out No, thanks What's going on here? Yeah, out of your dam. I would never want to see the worst is that I tried watching on golden pond It was on netflix and i'll not they're all shaky jeans old You know, I was like, I don't fucking want to watch old people dying. It's the worst Rudy did you know by the way that?

Yeah, I'm so over wipe umber movies. Yeah, I get it. I get that like Alzheimer's is horrific And uh, yeah, you know, I know that it affects millions of all that but like that's why you should avoid it Like don't watch it. I thought you meant just avoid getting it. But that but uh, yeah watching movies about like cancer all the movies and They keep coming out too. Like that's the thing is like they keep coming out with age movies Like, you know, it's like, no, hey, remember eight. You're like, yeah, age is there all the time and they're like, there's here's another version And then it'll be the same

Like story of you know, they take you 80s and there's homophobia and like You know, you can get age with towels and towels have ages and well, everybody knows everybody knows that Yeah, and somebody emailed us like that that we said something about digesting aids like you They're like, you can't get it from digesting it and I was like, yeah, but you can't get it from towels Tows guys, this is a science program. We have lots of knowledge about stuff like that. Dur He really got got on to fire it up. Yeah, dude towels do not have aids I don't know. I I think that they do towels can have aids Geez turn down guys. Yeah, turn down bro. Turn down turn down. You know, don't get me tight

Jesus I'm peter kane the biggest pussy now Uh, rudy, I saw that you made you said something about Cosby. Yeah, the the rape count. It's not what you have here. I heard that on stern today Oh, no, it's I'm looking at it on the interwebs. Okay. It's up to 39. Oh, shit You got to be kidding me 39 that was on stern this morning 33 Really? I don't think six came out. You know what the maybe there's a replay episode, but yeah, 33 is the the cosby um assault

Count is what they were saying. Wow 39 bro That is ridiculous. Like at what point? Oh my god. It was so funny so they're they're playing cosby had recorded some commercial for people to come out and see shows and um They were making fun of him because he was all chipper in the ad like hey guys come out and laugh Y'all want to laugh? Let's get out and laugh and you're like what fucking and how much was like what a sociopath that he would Oh, did you know that his new thing by the way sterns is just shitting on podcasts?

I know that's why I started listening to it again because I'm like Oh, I want to hear what he has to say about all of us. He said he's shitting on it I was I did rogan today and I guess arry was on arry is trashing stern all the time now. I guess everywhere and uh Makes fun of him and I don't know anyways I guess he was just like making fun of him for being saying he was out of touch But I my point of view on it is that stern Is it's very calculated and is doing that because he knows how popular podcasts are

Who's doing it to so that people talk about him talking about it? Of course Like we're doing right now. He's exactly what we're doing right now. Well, he's still funny. I still grew up listening that guy It's fucking funny. Oh, yeah, he's still he's the best you did morning radio today I did morning radio today. How'd that go? I heard you in the other room Sounded really fun You know It's people don't realize just part of I you know, I don't like I don't like having to do it I at least they afforded me the um, they go. Do you want us to?

Uh, ask you anything and I go nope And they go, okay, like they were like Do you want a leading question? I said absolutely not So we just talked like human like we do. Yeah, because I'm you know, I do this a lot So anyways, um Then you know, they were really nice. They were that's the thing if they're nice I can get through any radio show. Yeah, but it's always the same when they're dicks You know, they you know, or like, yeah, what can we handle our dicks? Yeah, what can we expect is the worst the worst?

Yeah, I don't know, but it's usually like, uh, how do you say her last name? I'm like, pizdzitsky. Whoa Oh, I had a joke about your last name. What did you say? I didn't have it. I'm saying like there was one You're not even on the radio that you joke about it. No, it's quite a mouthful She's not white is she? That's not an american name. Your wife's name is uh, what is it? Well, uh, I would say that uh, let's let's just say I'm glad you didn't take her last name You sound Are you okay? All right, that's so funny. I can't believe I'm laughing at her That's radio that's a dad radio's dad boners now. That's the only it's all for dad boners, dude

It's the deadest thing in the world is morning radio Shit gets you like a new job gets you live and then we were watching caesar malan We were watching caesar 911 as we were eating our dinner tonight and you were like For about caesar you were like, I bet she's a real dick in real life. I I sense it Yeah, I always have a good sense of these things. I do well and I actually I never thought that and then I watched that episode And I was like, you're right. I can see it. You know, like when he he took that guy on to his um Winnebago and he had some staff on there and he was like put the leash on one of them. I was like that's

It's on camera, but I bet like working for him It's about are you on this is the brand and the brand is me. Yeah, and I bet I bet he's You know not so pleasant. I I It's based on intuition and I could be wrong But I don't think I am. Yeah, I think you might be right I think peter cayne might have some choice words on that subject peter has said he was he was like I want to talk some shit peter was like you want to talk some shit and

And he definitely has been yeah Yeah, because he was very you're right. I watched his face You want to talk some shit? He got very agitated when people weren't doing things the way he wanted to do and they were cutting away from that like he was like Look what he wanted to say about that guy is like he's a fucking idiot And he wanted to be like yeah, he wanted he was like You know take some fucking karate classes like yeah, he was really that that guy's just not like that, you know

Yeah, he's he's like a bad man. He's a passive He's a passive dude because Caesar wanted this guy to be more assertive, right? assertive energies be confident when you say things Well, this guy was just kind of a doughy like sweet little beta male like he was not down to Have he had no assertive energy what he had no nuts to him. Yes So Caesar was getting very upset with him. He's like you just take like karate lesson But I don't know but I use you know, like

It's like it, you know, like oh no like it like, you know, no like Yeah, I like when Caesar uses sounds forward. He gets like a Or like, uh, you know, like a This is a different thing That's such like a adorable foreigner Thing to deal and they make they make sounds more foreigners aren't afraid of looking silly It's like you're saying I don't have the words but I want to tell you something better It's like this and he was eating tacos, you know, when you're Puerto Rican, you're just Puerto Rican. Okay

Okay, buddy. All right. Okay. You visited uh, you visited home. How was it? um, it was pretty good, you know, we uh I was pretty chill, man, you know, it was a quick visit real quick. It was kind of nice I I should say a huge thank you. I don't know if I mentioned it on any previous shows But the last two weeks have been really cool. I did all these one-nighters and The the turnout was just Amazing audiences were so I mean from Hattiesburg, Mississippi to Lafayette, Louisiana I did Atlanta. I did a Tuesday night. I'm one of the last guys to do the punchline. They're gonna

Moving the punchline. So Uh, it's really exciting. You're one of the last guys to do the punch. They're closing that location. Shut up. Yeah In Atlanta. Yeah, not because they don't have you know, they have to close for business It's just that they're not going to be at that location anymore. Oh, they've been there forever. Exactly. Wow Oh, no, I don't I like that club that club was Tuesday night. It was sold out. Damn, son Tuesday Not not not not not not on a Friday. Not a Sunday. Yeah, so Tuesday night packed Wednesday Jacksonville the zone where you put turds on the ground

That was sold out Wednesday on that not not not on a Friday on a Wednesday. It's crazy And then West Palm Man, they prepared me. They were like, you know, these one offs. They're like this club is really hard to move tickets You know, it's a it's an enormous room and they're like, it's just it's just a rough go Like just be prepared for that. So people don't buy tickets or shows here Not sold out, but 400 people. Wow came out to the Thursday show at the West Palm Beach improv

So, what do you attribute this to? Is this your new butt sniffing technique? Well, when I met Claire She said I'll put in a good word for you everywhere And so I think it's just it's a it's a combination of things a big part of it is as you like to say Mommy power mommy power You know People are awesome that we that listen to this show and they support us. They're the best they come out To everybody that listens to this show that came to any of those shows any of our shows really Just know that we appreciate it. It's really fun to do to do shows with people that want to see you

And uh, it was awesome. I appreciate that. I appreciate that's what jz says Anyway, no problem. But you're here with me and I appreciate that H to the isle schnitzel schnitzel schnitzel schnitzel um Uh, speaking of schnitzels. I saw my uh, my trainer schnitzel his schmackle. Shut up. Yeah, how did you see his dick? I'm not saying the ass big in the pussy I'm using nasty girl ain't fine I was uh, I walked right in to

the gym And I walked right into the locker room and it's like the you turn this corner and just first thing I see was cocking balls So I turned You know, I just made the natural just turn it to a locker And then as I did that I go hey tom. I heard hey tom and I turned back and it was the dick and balls that I would just I had just seen and it was you know, it was my trainer And what would it look like was it what you imagined?

Well, no first of all, I think he shaves everything What? Yeah, so it was like hairless his everything dude. I think so. Yeah, that's so weird for a guy He's standing there like I walk in and completely naked and so first thing I see is a hairless Body of dick and balls. I'm pretty sure it was hairless. Yeah, that's so weird. I like to have a little bit of hair Yeah, I mean per you know, it's just a thing like you're a dude. You should be hairy Very gross. I mean you like more hair than dick though, right like more hair like I like a full Head of hair down there. Yeah more hair than balls and dick

Right, it should be like It should be like a book like a like a bush like a full. Yeah bushel. Yeah matted I thought you like when it when it pushes out real far. It's so gross That is so gross to see a lot of hair. Yeah It's so gross on anybody dude. Can you imagine that was a thing like in the 70s? Yeah, a lot of hair. They like to party man. So gross Wait, so did you say anything to him about it?

No, of course not. You didn't say it. Well, look what I'm describing to you is like like milliseconds You know, it wasn't like yeah, it's a pretty nice cocky out there. I gotta say, I mean it hung pretty nice There's a nice nice weight to it. You know, it was You know, I mean it could be way worse way worse. Tell me why you are sorry Um, but yeah, no, I didn't be like I didn't say like that's crazy cocky balls They're like, why do you shave your dick balls? You know, I wish you would I guess you can't really no, you can't What how would I say it people gets mad they get over it, you know, they Realize stuff later on

down the road like that Steve is really inspirational if I had said that about it people changes I said people six dicks and then they realized stuff later And they They get over it later He'd been like, yeah, I know what you mean So how are you getting along with showing your dick and balls at the gym? Where are you with that emotionally progress? It's been it's been progress. Yeah, but it is it is um

It's just that like I feel like it's a little bit like jumping into Uh Cold water. Yeah, you know when you go like You say like do I dip in and then you like people say like just jump in jump in and then yeah I feel that same sense of panic when I Put the towel down does that make sense? Yeah, I feel the panic. Yeah now just like jumping in the pool the panic subsides after a few moments, but the initial

Thing of it is is is uh is panic Well, yeah, I understand that it is because it's it's uh, you're daring greatly But then you realize nobody wants to really look at your dick nobody cares nobody's into you But it's Saying that and believing it is is not the same thing. I know it's it's daunting But and nobody's gonna look directly at you. I mean unless they're really creepers, you know Yeah, no, no one does and you know, I'm there sometimes people will be like Come on

Stuff like that, but nothing like real crazy, you know Tell me what that costs Yeah, that kind of stuff. Yeah, are there gay guys at your gym to do that stuff you think? No No, I mean gay guys at the gym, but nobody's doing stuff like that, but they're not doing it What about the old gym? What about the bear gym that gym? Yeah, I never Well, first of all, they didn't have full locker room. They didn't have full locker room Maybe they had you know what they had one shower and like 10 lockers

So it was like everywhere you were showering there to showcase like you know, I mean like this this locker This place is a is a full locker room That's designed for it has 20 showers And 50 lockers. So it's designed for you're supposed to Shower and change there. It has a steam room has a sauna like it's it's a full, you know, you know No, the the bear gym the sex dungeon that there you definitely heard stuff

They knew better than to offer a sauna or a jacuzzi at that club. Oh man, that would have just been That would have been like that place we went to at one time that had signs like stop Stop having sex in the waiting room. Yeah, that was like a west hollywood Yeah, that was that was not good So much calm everywhere not good No, bro. It's so funny. Yeah, that's so funny that dudes are just fucking savage like that pretty crazy, man Um, do you want to play my latest voicemail that I got on my new phone number? Do I ever? Do I ever it's so it's just never ending. It's it's like every day

I get in there to different names too I'm not even sure the name of the person that had this phone number or people because it changes every time I get a New voicemail and I got spammed a text message It was like check this side out and it was to like a game Some gaming thing. It's so weird Yeah, let's see. It's so weird that you get these messages. Let me see Where is this? I don't know how many people had this number before me I know

Why did this not I hate sending these these emails from here from here Yeah, where is it? What happened jeans? Um, what happened tiny little jeans? All right, send it again. What happened tiny little jeans? Tiny jeans you got the tightest pair of tiny jeans You got the tightest pair of tiny jeans What a fucking ass hurts man. Oh, I heard it. Yeah, you know, I sat on a plane too much yesterday. Yeah, dude. Was that yesterday?

That was yesterday We did some we flew across the country. We got ice cream. We got sushi. You know what we did yesterday that That we've never done We slept through what we were supposed to do a phone call. I know we took a nap at 6 p.m I know we're so tired. I called today and they were like, is that for real? I'm like, too. It's like an hour and a half. Are you guys on drugs? 5 o'clock. Yeah It's pretty insane. I know Did you find the jeans? It won't go like, hold on. This is making me crazy press pause

Okay, there it is right as I go to press pause right as I go to press pause. Okay, so Here we go. Um This is insane you got a new phone number and I gave it outline. Um, this was the one this is last week. I still it's a it's a golden oldie. I like it though Yeah, this one's fantastic. I gave it outline. Um, this is bill barter. Um, my wife and I accidentally fell down our slate stairs Yeah, unfortunately, I have to reschedule. Sorry about that. Um Two weeks from now, uh, a friend of mine that was headed united up. Was that a burp? That was a burp in the background

What was that? Was that when you recorded it? Maybe That was a burp. All the things on mute Yeah, uh, unfortunately, I have to reschedule. Sorry about that. Um There's a burp in the background burp in the background. I swear to you. That's not that's not me Wow, now I'm a friend of mine that was headed united artist across the country is coming in and his best friends with the original owner of a universal Studio Wait, like does that really happen?

They really fall down the stairs. Yeah What that's what that's like abuse husband stuff Fall down the stairs. Yeah All right, melissa no idea who you are Seven seven. Yeah Fuck Fall down the stairs. There was the guy that wanted drugs. There's melissa lens crafters called your glasses already And then this one came in today. This is hilarious. Hi adis. It's rima adis

Hey, adis. It's rima. Hi adis. It's rima. Um from mr. Cruz's office. I'm just So I emailed you and remind you about Wednesday March 11 today domestic What wait a minute Wait a minute. Is she calling about the domestic violence class? Is that what she says? That's what I heard Mail to and remind you about Wednesday March 11 domestic violent class

proof for progress and eight hundred ten dollar Fees do fines and fees are due and that's an appearance in department a or department 147 of airport courts So give me a call airport or email me back. Thank you. You know what this call is about. No I think this is somebody who's saved This is someone who was charged with domestic violence. Yeah, and then you get uh Those are like fee like you have to pay your your penalties and fines and then go to classes Wow

Right And why is she getting a reminder and what what area code is 877? I just looked it up. No, that's that's the other call Russia, I know I'm looking it up from before. I'm bad. Hi adis. It's rima from mr. Cruz's office. I'm just I emailed you and remind you about Wednesday March 11 domestic violent class Yeah Eight hundred ten dollar Progress meaning like that you're that you're doing the classes you're supposed to do

eight hundred dollar That's a fine. That's a penalty. It's a bail wherever. Yeah fees do fines and fees are due and fines Fines and fees. It's not it's fine like you're wow Department a or department 147 of airport courts. So give me a call airport or email me back. Thank you Whoa, does that mean he hit someone at the airport? Resave Um possibly I mean this is craziness. This means that How many people had your number? I don't know so many different styles. Well, and one but now the guy Pushes wife down the stairs and another guy. Yeah, so maybe it's like

They're both abusers and they're best friends. Okay, so here's my fantasy. Here's what I think and I'm reconstructing this It's a husband and wife. Yep Oh Jesus, uh, this was their home phone number Because you've got calls for both genders. There's for avis and there's richard davis. Yeah, and He's an abusive guy David Allen Yeah, and um, they both hit their wives. That's what they have in common

And he's like can't we can't beat our wives together tonight Because I beat mine up too hard And I gotta go lens crafters because they get my glasses are ready so I can start seeing who I'm hitting and Melissa called And just say call me back and then the drugs that you that was that's the one I'm most bummed about that I didn't save because he's like, hey, uh, I'm in your neighborhood if you're holding anything Hey, Mike. It's Felicia. Hey, Adam. It's Felicia Yeah, what the fuck this whoever had this phone number. It's it's a crazy life real savage

Yeah, yeah, that was a domestic violence thing. You're right James. It totally was Fuck And this person missed like a court date and uh, fine Because of the wrong phone number. That's terrifying. Yeah. Yeah, pretty crazy, man Well, there you go Yes, there's something else Where is this? I was um, I forgot how we stumbled on this that, uh

see if I can Pull this out that, uh When we back in the old day We had Paul F. Tompkins on the show. Yeah And you know, we play a lot of these, you know Uh, let's see. Yeah, this This shit is big time

That's in the beginning of The show it's the show open, you know Yeah, which is a part of a bigger Yeah part of a big speech that a high school football coach gives and Well, you're breaking that shit down one of the early episodes with paul f. Tompkins on the show And I typed out the speech so it's like a script And I had him do it like a cold read

And we found we were just I forgot we were just going through stuff the other day and we're like, this is amazing Yeah, it was a rando thing that he read this The speech he performed it and um Should you hear the the original first? Yeah. Yeah, do you want to hear it or no just hear his version? Um, well, let's hear the original because a lot of people don't know. Yeah, I think it gives you a little more, um You know What is it context? Yeah

Let's see if I can do it this way That's that part, okay I think this is it here Let me see. Yeah, I mean this Here we go Here we go. This is the speech. This is the original speech Facing my house disrespecting me. I got used up about it. My family right there, bro I gotta protect my mama. My mama's sitting in the stands, man

Your parents sitting right there. They're in your house, man Your mama in the fucking stands to try to disrespect me in my house and grab a fucking grab a fucking remote control That's exactly what they did. They come in your house grab a fucking remote control Derek Willis and control your fucking tv and your mother TV they can't run it out Put on the science that you got on And say fuck you Pretty intense. Yeah, that's a great speech game speech in high school

anyways, that was typed out handed to paul of tomkins and I was really proud of what he did In my own time, um in your own time you want to give me an action. I'll give you an action It's just like we're back on the set of blood. It's just like And just remember you're trying to get these guys. This is a real big game serious when you're ready and action

This personal right here, bro this personal You in my face in my house Disrespecting me I gotta do something about it My family right there, bro I gotta protect my mama

My mama sitting in the stands, man Your parents right there They're in your house, man. Your mama's in the fucking stands They try to disrespect me in my house Grab the fucking grab the fucking remote control That's exactly what they did

They come in your house grab the fucking remote control derrick willis and control your fucking tv in your mother fucking house T-ditty they came right in our house Put on the same shit and got on and said fuck you Wow Oh my god, I felt that now that was amazing. That was so funny, dude. Yeah, he really gave it a great read Yeah, I got he's a great, dude. Yeah, I haven't seen paul tomkins in a long time Yeah, me neither but I see I see he's on a fusion show and See him on social media always looking good

Always you believe we fooled him to come on our show that early. I know it was pretty off That was like episode 12 and 48 48. Wow We're like come on our little rinky dinky Podcast nobody knows about and he did. Yeah, it's pretty cool dude. He was, huh? Yeah, he was really nice super nice guy That's really funny, man This is the fucking best that was so fun back in those days man. You're in the bull just gives and gives though It really does. Yeah, I mean that is just

That's really good. All right, um We got to get going here Jean's a rony. I we got to walk the dog before bedtime, man. I'm so nervous. He's gonna fucking do that again Do what everything's diarrhea in the fucking house. Oh Oh When a shit you got on in honor of my past Uh week visiting Jacksonville for the first time I think it is only fitting that we play jeff tiplers

Turds on the ground. Oh, right Jeans is there anything else? Well, I love you guys. Thanks for listening and we'll see you in san franc jeans go See you on sunday And uh, well, hopefully I see many of you tomorrow wednesday at the ventura harbor Comedy club tomsugurra.com thousand ranch.com for christina's stuff and your mom's house podcast.com for everything else. Thanks, jeans And then I caught the toilet What?

The water turns turns the ground and the water comes up and out and everywhere turns on the ground What You didn't tell me that. Well, yeah, I thought it was implicit and my panic's called you There's turns on the ground What Turds on the ground there's turds on the ground Back up and out. Oh my god. Yeah. Yeah