Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 285-Live From Cobb's-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 18, 2015

So many treats in this one.  Man Frandisco is no joke. We gots stuff on fleek, dirty shares, porn stories, racist neighbors and brows that will be there a LONG TIME (not so much on Fleek, boo).    Get at me. 

It's not very nice. Kind of fits the theme of the show. It does kind of fit the theme of the show. It smells very good. Oh my God, it smells like garbage. What? It smells like garbage. That's terrible.

Did I eat garbage today? Do you remember if I had garbage? I forget. Virginia Beach, Newport News, Norfolk, I'm coming tomorrow, the 19th of March, but also March 20th, March 21st, and March 22nd. Oh. I'm all up in you.

Really? Virginia Beach, Funny Bones. You're not even saying it right. Everybody knows. Virginia Beach, yes. What else is happening? April 12th, I am at the American Comedy Company, one night only, San Diego, California, San Diego,

California, not San Diego, Mexico. There's two different ones. That's right. And then also in April, Comedy Works South, the South Club, I'm going to be there, and Wise Guys, one night only in Salt Lake City, Utah, added Chattanooga, Asheville, North Carolina. Here's something really exciting.

Are you ready for this, Jeans? Yeah. This drops Wednesday, the 18th, and at noon, my first ever Boston show goes on pre-sale. Oh, pre-sale. Pre-sale. It's at the Wilbur. I'm doing it big, my first time.

So it's not even on my site yet. You got to go to my Facebook page. I'll have it added to the site immediately, but Facebook page or on my Twitter, look at my Twitter. You can see the link there. The code is the word Boston. So Boston, your code is Boston,

and I'm really excited to come and see you. Yeah, it's very exciting. So there's that, and that show is not for a while. Oh, it is maybe on the site, it's on July 18th, but it's exciting it's going on sale. Yeah, that's in the summertime. It's got summers right around the corner. Yeah, that's the pre-sale for it.

Pre-sale. It'll end after a couple of days. Jeans, where else? You got the nasty Natty coming up? Yeah, Cincinnati, go fucking bananas. That's not the name. Yeah, it's good, go fucking bananas, man. Oh, you're right.

I forgot that. Go crazy bananas. Yeah. Go bananas, April 22nd through 25th, or actually through 26th, April 22nd through 23rd, 24th, 25th, 26th. Yeah, okay. 23rd, 24th, yeah. Anyways, come see me in Cincinnati at the Go Bananas.

Yeah. And then I'm just doing a bunch of local stuff in May. I'm going to hang out in town. That's always fun. Yeah, it's so fun. I like doing spots in LA. It's a good time, man. This is a city that bleeds.

It kind of is the city that bleeds. Yeah. Or is that Baltimore? I think it's Baltimore. That's the city that reads. That's different. Manfran Disco, I got to say, one of the best cities in America, one of the best cities in the world,

and definitely one of our favorite places to go to do standup and the podcast. And you guys on a Sunday night, you came out strong and you supported the show and you were a great audience. So thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We love Cobb's Comedy Club and we love the great city of Manfran Disco. Thank you for the cum gum. Thank you for the iceberg slim book.

I forgot your name, dude, but thank you so much for that. And he bought The Real Man, too. He bought The Real Man. Which is sold out on Amazon. If you don't have The Real Man now, good luck. Wait for the second printing that they're going to have to issue. He's probably going to have to once he gets invited to do Opus talk show. Absolutely.

I'm a real man and I have many things to tell you. This show is super fun. The show you're about to hear. We get so much fun in Manfran Disco. Yeah, it got real personal. I feel like this was a really connected show. There were some curse words, too, though. Some dirty stuff that happened.

Well, yeah, always. Me. You tell a story about a certain celebrity. Oh, Jesus. I can't believe I told that one. Yeah. Well, it's about to get out there. Oh, well.

All right. Let it go. That means we love you. Love you, Mommy. Bye, Mommy. Bye now. Oh, I also forgot one other thing. I was on Airy Shaffers.

This is not happening. If you go on YouTube, you can watch the uncensored version of the story. Just type in Tom Segura. I'll probably tweet it out so you can find it. Well, I've tweeted it, but it's Tom Segura, Bruce Bruce. I talk about meeting Bruce Bruce. Please watch that on YouTube. Okay, Jeans.

Bye, Mommy. Bye, Mommy. All right. All right. Thank you. Should I start over? All right. That was not good enough.

Good job, James. Wow. All right. That dude. All right. Thank you so much. Thanks. You were close.

Upstairs. But you said with Tom's Grinch, Jim, pretty good, good. You just bailed on it, huh? Bailed on it. That's cool. Holy shit. All right. That was fucking fantastic.

Hi, guys. Hi, man, friend disco. Hi. Thanks for coming out tonight. Yeah. Are we good to go? Are we recording? Always helps when we are.

We're good? Marcus? Mommy's? Yes. Okay. Beautiful. Hi. Look at your shirt.

That's cool. What is that? The Scooby-Doo bus? Yeah, dude. Your grandma gave it to you? That's nice. That's nice of your grandma. Your Nana.

Yeah. Is she still around? Oh. You hurt? Okay. Okay. That would be really funny. Could be.

All right. Oh, oh. He's okay. He's settling down. Set up motherfuckers. All right. There we go. Yeah.

So we made a decision yesterday. Yeah. Impulsively. This is, sometimes you're dumb. And I don't mean you. I mean, a human being. We decided, let's cancel our flight yesterday. I know.

To come up here. Not cancel the show. No. Just drive. Just drive. Well, we're sick of flying right now. So we're like, yeah, man, we'll just road dog it like in the old days. Yeah.

And how much, what is the fee? We'll take it. And then then we forgot how far the drive is. Yeah. It's the sweet seven hours later. And boom, here we are. We're in the South Bay. So in my mind, I was like, whatever, it's like four hours.

I don't know, bros. Then we plugged it in. Yeah. It's a lot of sitting. Yeah. Yeah, but it's fun because we got to eat real good food today. We got to have in and out. Yeah.

Animal style. What's up? And then my husband on the way here got himself an Americano down that right fast. You have to drink that fast because you're an animal. Yeah, you don't have to. I did. You do. Yeah.

And then we had spaghetti bolognese and he was like, I can't believe I have to shit again. It's like, you didn't know what the, what possibly could cause to bowel movements like a powerful one. And then he was funny because I was like, I don't know what's going on. And then you're like, did you have another coffee? I was like, yeah, but it was five shots with water, hot water. And then I had spaghetti.

Did you just fart? Did I just fart? I think he farted. Maybe you're talking about farts. So, but I liked that you didn't have a clue. And then I had to be like a brown Matlock detective. It's true. You were a brown lock.

You were a brown lock. And yeah, everything's fine now. You feel better? I do. You think you're going to make it through this? I don't know. I've had two. Powerful.

Two, two and two. Yeah. Hey, by the way, we figured out what Chuck Woolery is talking about on the drive here. Well, first you have to set it up. Like if you didn't watch Love Connection, sorry. You guys know that show Love Connection, Chuck Woolery? It's only show. It's only show.

You got Bad Breath. I'm getting greasy. Bad Breath. So, he would always do the same. Like here's Melissa. And she likes long walks on the beach and she's sick of being lied to. And then they would recap the date. And he'd be like, and then he would be like, I'll be back in two and two like that.

You'd always do that. Two and two. That was his catchphrase, yeah. Yeah. Which meant two minutes, two seconds, by the way. Right. And it was two minutes and two seconds. On the fucking dot.

Yes. Right. And it's not a live show, so it's weird. It's stupid. He was like, you better edit these fucking commercials or I'm going to look like an asshole. Yeah. But then we figured out that that's... You tell him what you figured out.

That he basically wanted to be like, I'm going to take a quick brown and I'll be back in two and two. And I think that he knew he could shit and clean up. Two and two is a perfect amount of time. And the producers were like, just dropped while you're doing it. And then that's a perfect segment. He's like, I'm going to take a shit and I'll be back in two and two. It would be great.

It would be the best thing ever. If he was like, I got it. I got it. Take care of a little business myself and I'll be back. I could push one out quick. Two and two. Like that. Yeah.

It'd be fantastic. But he didn't. We'll open it. Just twist it. Thanks. I'm really strong. There you go. Sorry, thief.

Yeah. That's our big epiphanies today on the roof. There's a few more. Is that all I thought was playing? No. No, nothing's playing. Okay. Let's see.

Is this... Does this work? Can you hear that? Louder. More? No? Yeah. Louder.

Can we turn that up? Meows. Barf-relation. Does that... needs to be louder. Barf-relation. Okay. Sorry, Marcus.

Just a little more volume. Hmm. All right. I think he's up there. I know. He's up there. I know. Hi, meow.

Okay. Let's see. Number one, guys. That team sucks my fucking balls. That's good? Yeah. That is a great way to start a speech. Let's go with number one.

It sucks my fucking balls. So can we do a proper show? Yeah, let's do this. Where were you fucking started again? A lot of good stuff, you guys. Let's fucking do this. Here we go. Damn right, boo-boo.

Guess who finally caught up with your triflin' ass. You dead, big bitch. Child support. They came hollered at you. That mean every month I'ma get paid, bitch. Your eyebrows ain't gonna be on fleek. No goddamn mouth. This shit is big time.

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Yo, boom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to your mom. Welcome to your mom.

Welcome to your mom. Welcome to your mom. Welcome to your mom. Welcome to your mom. Welcome to your mom. Welcome to your mom. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house.

Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house.

All right. Yeah. Talk to everybody. Wow. Wow. This place, by the way, they have a new podcast set up. I was like, what? I got here.

I was like, this shit. What the fuck? This shit. What's going on here? What's going on? And they were like sketch fest. We did a thousand podcasts, so Cobb is now in a podcast studio, which is fucking fantastic. Yeah.

Good. If you couldn't put it together, that opening clip was a gentleman who got, he got a child support check from his wife, his ex-wife. Right. Which means she's a real crazy person, right? It's usually, it's not that way. Yeah. It means mom's got to be a real fuck up.

Sorry. It's true. Yeah. She's got to be a real derelict and to not, well, first of all, for the course to be like, you know, you don't need your mother. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just saying.

Yeah. Wish the course would have done that for me. Jesus Christ. Got a real animal. And he's taking care of the kids and then they're like, here's a fucking check. And then he's like, your brows aren't, ain't I'll flake no mouth. Which is so hip. Because we're so hip and down with the cool lingos.

Yeah. We know what the kids are talking about. What's neat is that you actually drove by my eyebrow salon. I did. I drove by and I saw D'Amone Roberts. Yeah. He's, he's got fans and the front, like this is in Beverly Hills on Wilshire. It's like, it's a block from like Rodeo Drive.

You're driving and you see the word D'Amone Roberts. And then it's a picture of this dude's one eyebrow. He's like, it's huge. It's huge. And it's absurd. And that's how I noticed it the first time. It's completely absurd. It's absurd that that's like, it's like, what else is he doing in there?

I guess like nails and no, just fucking flicking out some brows. That's all he does. I know I go in on Tuesday. It's packed, right? It's packed. It's bumping. You got to make an appointment two weeks in advance. And I, you know, I go to the same, I don't go to D'Amone.

I can't afford him. Yeah. I mean, God forbid. But they always try to talk me into the tinting because they're like, it's two for two stage. You want to tent your brows for free? And I'm like, that sounds like the craziest proposition because you know, it's not going to look natural. Like, you know, you're going to walk out of there with big fucking groucho marks, right?

It's not going to look cool because my dad does it. What? I didn't tell you that. I didn't tell you that. No. My stepmother is an esthetician and she'll, so he, she does it to him and he'll fuck for like a week, dude. It'll be like, like super brown, like way too brown from, you know, my dad's an older guy.

It looks crazier than cat shit. It sounds crazy. Yeah. You look crazy. Yeah. You can't do that. Browse. But I'm going to get them done on Tuesday.

I need to fleekify them. They're not looking good. Will you tint them? No. Dude? No. Please. You tint yours.

No. Tint them. You tint yours. No. My brows are. Tint your beard. When are you going to do your beard? Nice and easy.

Dark. Some Steven Seagal to my fucking beard. Who had that story? I tell you that Seagal was doing a movie. I think it's Tom Arnold's story and they were all in a movie on a houseboat and the director is like, all right, here we're going to block the scene. Like here's what we're going to do. And Seagal was just like, let's shoot it now.

They're like, well, we're on the water. So why don't we figure out all the beats and he's like, I said, fucking shoot it. So they're like, all right. And then the first take, he falls into the water, like into the river from the houseboat. And then they said, you could see black marker running down his face from his hairline. It looks so bad. You can't do it. And he's wearing like skeet shooting glasses now everywhere.

Yeah. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. His yellow glasses and. It's like those blue blockers, dude. Yeah. HD vision ones we used to get from fucking right.

Those are the shit. HD vision is the shit. Everything is so much better in HD, you guys. So much better. Get it for your family members for Christmas. We get it for Jane at like every year or a key chain that can find your car. No, I got her the glasses that are also binoculars. So in the commercial, people are like, what bird is that?

And then they're like, and then they turn to somebody else that has a mind. It looks bananas because you can see like they're like Coke glasses, like Coke bottle glasses. And they're like, I can see the bird too. And I got him for her and she was like, it's really fucking cool. Like I asked you for a Versace bag. Thanks a lot. But then you can see birds.

I know how you love birds. The birds are so much crisper and clearer. Hmm. What's that bird doing over there? But my favorite part of that is that it's because she's so materialistic that you give her that gift. And it's so crushing. It's the best thing that ever happened.

So fun. Best thing that ever happened was figuring out that CVS is my favorite fucking place to buy gifts. You have to go to the as seen on TV section. And my other cousin, you guys over here, the Jeanette, my cousin Jeanette came on once and she's like, like she burps like an animal. She just got engaged. So I went to CVS and I got her an ear wax removing kit that's like, I was like, Hey,

congratulations. It looks like a glue gun. Yeah. It's like really big. It was expensive. I told her it was $12.99. It's not a fucking bullshit. My favorite as seen on TV object now that they have, it's an egg.

That rubs off your dead foot skin. Yeah. And they have the picture of it of like some nasty ass toe. And then it's all grated down like Parmesan cheese. And then they show it falling out. They're like, this is all the dead foot skin. Yeah. And they're like, you can save it for a sandwich if you want.

You can save it for a sandwich. Do you need cheese for your spaghetti? That's just dead foot skin. Enjoy. Yeah. I know. And they have to use, they have to use like, you know, like a 55 year old woman for who's like, my feet are cracked a lot.

I'm like, I'm dying. Yeah. I don't like a lot of things. Make this unappealing for everybody. Thank you. Yeah. Anyway, yeah, the pet egg, right? Yeah, pet egg.

Yeah. Yeah, it's fantastic. I got that bra from there once though. There's a soft bra or something. That was not so bad. Oh, I thought you meant from the pet egg people. No, from the as seen on TV. This is a bra made of dead feet skin.

It's a homeless guy bra. No, it was the, the, the shit, genie bra, the genie bra. It's nice. It's nice. It's good. It's nice bra. Not a lot of support, but who cares, you know? Speaking of big belches, I ripped one.

And I'm pretty nice restaurant the other day. I'm sorry, Faye. Can you ever just forget where you are? And we were talking, and then I just kind of zoned out. Oh, no. And then I went, uh, and a nice older Asian lady was like. First of all, you're lying. That's not what happened.

What do you mean? You didn't forget where you were. For a moment, I did. No, bro. We were like in a, it's a small neighborhood place. You know, it was a special night. It's a date night. And it's, it's starting to quiet down.

There's like six tables. And we're done with our meal. And out of just nowhere, my husband looks at me, opens his mouth wide. Can I start laughing so hard? He's like, who, what homeless derelict did I marry? Are you fucking homeless? You're crazy. That was the best.

And then the Asian lady was like, what? Like, totally. They were really nice people, you could tell. They were really, their table was formally dressed and they all were like. That guy snuck in here. That was the best. It was really funny. And then you did a really cool thing.

This is so fucking great. It's not. So you ever have a waiter or a server waitress that just tries too hard, right? Like, they're just like, they want to make their money. Yeah, but you're just like, you know, the best thing would be to knock this off. Like, so like, he was like, hey, I remember you guys from last time. We're like, oh, okay, cool. And he was like, yeah.

So the other day I was out at this bar, they had, they have really cool drinks there. And, and they were playing this music and we were like, yeah, no, I'm ready. I want to order. And then every time he came back, it was like, yeah, a new story. I got a 49 year old roommate. And you're like, cool, man. Sounds awesome. You guys like comedy, right?

Have you seen this, uh, how I met your mother? And we're like, yeah, I'm seeing it. And he's like, I fucking love that shit. And I was like, cool, man. That's awesome. Right. I put a barrel on my mouth. Yeah.

And then I watched this other sitcom called moms and it's really racy. Racy. Yeah, I was like, it's a CBS sitcom. It's not that racy. He's like, it's kind of, it's, he goes, it's, it's towing on that two and a half menline, but it's kind of like, it's kind of pushing the envelope. And I was like, all right, well, you're a sweet man. Thank you.

Sweet. He was sweet though. But then every time he would come, he would park it, right? And he would just talk and I was like, Jesus Christ, please stop. So Christina gets up and she goes to the bathroom because I want to avoid talking. I'm done. I'm done. And then when I see her walking back, um, I'm getting up, I'm going to go and I

go, Oh, that's crazy. Cause he's, he told me that he got insurance and I go, uh, Christina loves insurance. And then I left her. And then he, I see him go, do you love insurance? And I had to like, cause he's so nice. Yeah, he was nice. I had to salvage it. And I was like, yeah, yeah.

You know, I used to buy insurance from these Chinese people. It was illegal, but I used to get shady insurance from Alhambra. Like I had, I did it when I dated the Chinese guy, he got his insurance from some shady place. Can we stop bringing him up finally? The greatest love of my life was that little Asian man. I feel like it's never, ever going to end. Do you, are you jealous?

Of course. A succulent Chinese, me. Oh, how dare you? What about your, your Tunisian love? That fucking whore you always bring up. I don't, you always reminiscing about a Tunisian whore. No, I don't. She was a whore.

I met in Tunisia. That's what I remember. I mean, that's just awesome to have that story. Yeah. Cause you're like, Oh, the best part is that I didn't have to wear a condom. She just let me blow a load right in her. And I was like, yeah. But I mean, yeah, that's true.

She was awesome. She had problems. Yeah. Yeah. She has issues. I mean, did I ever tell you, did I ever tell you that, that I, that we were at the pool earlier and she had long armpit hair and like, um, and she wore a leather, like chain bathing suit to lay out and I was like, I don't think you know what

bathing suits are like, like it was just like her dungeon outfit. Yeah, it was pretty great. Yeah. Oh, it sounds like a really nice girl. You didn't marry that one. You let that one get away, huh? She sounds like the kind of nice girl that will eat your ass on the first day. I told her I was nervous.

I told her I was nervous after we had sex. I was like, uh-huh. Cause I thought she was just had every, like everything, right? Like, you know, had everything, all the diseases drug. So of course I kind of thought it before and then afterwards I was like, I'm going to die. So because I was actually, I was over there with a friend and he was like, you didn't wear a condom with that girl.

And I was like, no, he was like, that's a problem. So I tried to tell her. I was like, uh, I'm pretty, uh, I don't know. I don't know if we should have done that. This is the, this is like 12 hours later. And she goes, why? And I go, well, you know, we didn't use any protection. And she goes, it's okay.

And she spoke broken English. She goes, I take medicine for no babies. And I was like, that's not what I'm worried about. You know, I didn't know how to be like, you'd look like you carry more than that. The craziest part is she gave me a pill to calm me down. What did she give you? I don't know, like a Xanax or something. And I was like, all right.

And then I had sex with her again. You're the, you're the dumbest person I know. I was 20. I know. Can I read this email we got in lieu of this? Yeah. In lieu. I mean, in, uh, yeah, in honor.

Sure. In honor. Irregardless. Okay. Irregardless. Okay. Specifically. Here we go.

Hey guys. Yeah. I heard the podcast today about girls eating ass. Well, this brought back a memory for me. I would like to share it with you. I'm a 20 year old guy, although this happened when I was 19. So ages ago, I was drunk going through my contacts and my cell phone, you know, trying to get a girl.

Everyone knows drunk booty calls are the best. I texted this girl and I hadn't seen in about four years and she came over. Everything started off normal. Just sex. She started to give me head and then she started to lick my ass in parentheses. She didn't tell me she was going to do this, which wasn't bad at all. So I didn't stop her. I kind of felt bad because I hadn't prepared my butthole for a licking.

And therein lies the rub. But here's the best part. She didn't mind at all. I told you, some chicks are awesome. Like they'll just like they're just cool girls out there. She, she, she's just a cool girl. Some girls don't mind at all. Christina, I told you some chicks first date.

They're just like, baby, the baby. I like the diaper change. Yeah. And then you pull it, you pull them your legs back. You're like, yeah, you're going to change that dye dye. And then they go, yeah. Well, think of how many different ways could it be done? Bro, there's so many ways.

First of all, first of all, there's the one I walked in on. Me? No, not with you. This is the Lance Armstrong. What? This is a story. This, I probably shouldn't say this on a podcast, but I don't care too late. Yeah. This is a friend of a friend years ago in a hotel party, like a hotel room party and.

OK, so she goes off with Lance into the bathroom. And I open the door. What do I see? Lance Armstrong has one leg up on the basin, like on the sink. And one. Yeah, show the audience. He's got the legs. Strike. That's the most baller way to get your ass eaten, by the way.

Is to be like, you want something to eat right here like that? Especially for a dude to pull that move. And for a woman to be like, I'm yes, I'm doing. Who agrees to that? OK. Awesome chicks. Well, awesome chicks. No, no, I should I should. OK, clarify. You could you can do that in a relationship, but not like.

That is not a relationship. But it call. This is the best part of this email. He's all. She didn't mind at all. I don't think because she did it for about 10 minutes without stopping. So cool. Yeah. I thought it was funny how Christina thought it was so fucked up for a girl to do this. Me too. Girls do it.

We can pull the crowd here in an audience. I'm sure they all do it. Yeah. But I guess I'm a real square, guys. Yeah, he says it happened to me with a girl I hadn't seen in years. Good times. The Lance Armstrong. OK, so celebrity ass eating. I can see that being a special occasion.

It's like you would need a celebrity's ass. No, but when would I ever meet Lance Armstrong? And when would he ever request that again? Like it's a once in a lifetime thing like meeting Robin Wright. Penn, I imagine for you. It's a once in a life or Robin Wright as now she's called. Yeah. And sniffing her butt. Yeah. Yeah.

But she dictates that it's not it's different. She tells you it's different. She tells everybody that she meets. This is a theme we had a while ago on our show. We're really in the House of Cards, House of Farts. Yeah. And I think, yeah. And Robin Wright is so angelic. Everything she does, like she just floats and she, you know,

she caresses things and like she's just so bougie. And we were like, oh, I bet she's a vegan. I bet she has like a really special diet, macrobiotics and stuff. Oh, yeah. And then you said. I think she makes people sniff her butt when they meet her. I do. Like instead of a hi, I'm Tom Segura.

She just goes. She doesn't even, she just turns around and she does like a Lance Armstrong and she's like, and then you have to go. And she's like, it's nice to meet you. And then she just kind of floats away. That's what I think happens. Yeah. Do you really think it's fucked up for a girl that you

had a guy's ass on the first day? Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Hands down. You're barbarian. You shouldn't eat anybody's asshole until you know them a little. Just a little.

Male, female, regardless of gender. You don't know this person. I disagree. You don't. You don't know where they've been that day. And, you know, there's a pregame warmup. You can't just, if you know you're going to get your ass eaten that day. It's not like you just roll into it.

Like you got to do some prep work. Where's your sense of adventure? Sense of adventure. Yeah. You never did that on a first date. And what kind of jerk lets you eat their bum bum when it's not lickable, when it's not ready? This guy from New Zealand.

What an animal. Yeah. It feels good, though. Yeah, OK. Oh, it does. Hey, play the eyebrow lady. No. Oh, sorry.

I got, because I got this. Oh, OK. This was sent in to us. This is somebody's neighbor. And I want you to guess which city this is in. You goddamn fucker. Eat shit and die, I'll borrow. Go home, you fucking immigrant motherfucker.

Jesus Christ. All right, hold on. Not San Francisco. That's good. Good start. Let's let him play a little more. This guy, he just has a really interesting, just lexicon, like where he goes for his insults.

Get out of here. Go ahead and take your fucking pictures. This is his next door neighbor. He's like shouting over the fence to that, like, bro, you see him every day. This is where you want to go. I hope you've got video with it. He does have video with it.

Fuck you, you goddamn cock-sucking motherfucker immigrant spit. Get out of here. Don't hear spit a lot anymore. I got to give him credit for that. No, our cock-sucker. That's kind of old school, too. It's like Joey Diaz, you fucking cock-sucker.

I like that, use of the word. And ironically, he also says, spick a lot. You don't hear that a lot in there. Yeah, that's pretty old school. Yeah. Hi. Hi. He's waving at the camera.

You fucking spick. Yep. You fucking spick. All right. You fucking spick, immigrant motherfucker. What else can I say to you? You little cock-sucking motherfucker. All right.

You know what I like best about this club? His commitment, he starts at a 10. There's nowhere else to go. You just think there's nowhere else to go, and then it's just crazy. It starts so aggressive. You got to start lower, and then end on you immigrant motherfucker or something, you know?

So. Immigrant. I don't know. To get away with this, I think it's probably best to live in a town where this point of view might be shared by others. Sure. This occurred in Miami.

Yeah. So I don't know if you're familiar with the demographics of Miami. Yeah. There's a lot of immigrant motherfuckers down there. Yeah. Just a little. I don't know if this guy is going

to be on the Homeowners Association board anymore after this. I think it's like, I think maybe, like, what? So crazy, dude. I'm trying to guess what led to this confrontation. Like, I've seen the video. They have nice yards, and it's a decent neighborhood, and they have decent homes.

And I'm like, this isn't, I think it's music. Really? Yeah. You think he's playing? I think this guy is a real fucking white guy. Like, that's why he's like, you cock-sucking motherfucker. Like, he's real old-school white, and then Alvaro is like, like that, you know?

So I think he's like, I told you to turn your spic shit down, like that. And then it just escalated. That's what I think. Yeah, fucking immigrant. How do you hate your neighbor? I don't know, bro. I don't know.

I don't like our neighbors. There's a few people I don't like, but I would never, like, yell that crazy. You really would have hate in your heart. Yeah, you got to be crazy, man. And this guy knows he's on camera. He's like, hi, waving to the camera. Yeah, it's pretty amazing.

He knows this is going to be uploaded. I don't know. It's pretty crazy. I like his yelling, though. Immigrant. You little mother. You little cock-sucking motherfucker. Yeah, it's good stuff.

It's so good. Speaking of immigrants, this guy also had this. This guy was just approached on a park bench. Yeah. And this conversation just took place there. Oh, man, it's definitely pretty warm. Yeah. Say, you ever pooped your pants?

So that's, like, a young or, obviously, like, American kid. And he's sitting next to a guy, Asian guy. And one time, that's all. One time? Yeah. It happens. I drink too much soda pop, soda pop, Coca-Cola, Dive Pepsi, Sprite, and it's just Dr. Peppu.

Dr. Peppu. This guy shit his pants when he drank fucking five sodas at once. Would that do that too? That wouldn't do that. He was, like, Coca-Cola, Dr. Peppu, Sprite. Where is he getting all these at once? I think it's like he had never had soda before.

And somebody was, like, try this shit. And he was, like, this really good. And then, like, they're like, you should try it. And they say, really good. And then they were, like, try them all right now. And he was, like, yes. And then he shit his pants. I have not heard my own voice.

Yeah, he, uh. I treat you all at once. She just think it was just a fart or something? And then I got a stomach ache. And then I got to poop my pants. Like a stomach ache. Yeah. Like a stomach ache.

Right, right. My pants. And you just pooped my pants, yeah. You think it was a fart or something? Yeah, I think it was a fart. A fart, yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean. So I wash my, wash, take a shower, wash, wash the clothes.

And then. Dude, he's so cute about it. He's such an immigrant dad about it, yeah. I wash the clothes, which is, like, what my dad wanted to do when he shit his pants. Yeah, well, I wash. Actually, he just put them on. And I go, you just shit in those.

And I was, like, throw them away. And he's, like, they're fine. And I'm, like, no, they're not. Like. Wait, was this in Maine? Yeah, we were in Maine. He was just, like, no, they're fine. I was, like, dude.

You cannot. You have other pants. It wasn't even like, these are the only pants on the trip. Like, he just refused to change pants. He has so many khakis. He has the same pair. He's, like, 10 of the same thing, right? Yeah, it's just loafers, button downs, khakis.

That's his relaxing clothes. You go, like, why don't you relax? I am relaxed. You're in a button down. It's tucked in, like, I'm relaxed. And you're, like, all right. Yeah, you look super fun. You look super relaxed.

Doesn't this poop? OK, does this poop your pants, guy? Listen to him for a second. Yeah. Enough, though. The poop? Yeah. You know.

Doesn't he kind of sound like? His paper is stuck in the butt, oh, no. A little bit? Yeah, it's the same guy. It sounds like that guy. I pooped my pants. Oh, no. A little bit.

But that guy is Filipino, I think, the Coke pooper. Oh, the Coke pooper? I think that guy's. Does that sound Filipino to you? Clap if you think it's Filipino. Yeah? Yeah, no? Maybe so?

Yeah? And then this guy is. Maybe Filipino's the audience. Where we told that this guy is Cambodian? Yeah. Right? Oh, no. I love that somebody hears that, and they're, like,

that's fucking Cambodian asshole. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no. Hey, pee, pee, don't get mad at us. That's sweet that he just. But that's so immigrant, too, to come clean like that. To tell the truth?

Yeah. Yeah. Americans don't do that. Well. Or way more polite, right? No, I think somebody would have snapped back pretty hard. Yeah. If some kid was, like, you ever poop your pants?

People were, like, fuck is your problem? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's what I mean, like, you were. This guy was, like, interesting question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he was so earnest about it, right? Like, actually.

Mm-hmm. Let's go through that. Mm-hmm. OK, now can you do the eyebrow, girl? Yeah, yeah, yeah, OK. This is my favorite. I stumbled upon this one. This was one of those godsends where you're, like,

oh, I wonder what's going on here. And then this is what I found. What's going on here? So great. Going on here. All right. Here we go. Let's see if you can hear this.

What up, it's your homegirl, like, KK, aka Katie. This is Paradise Rose Makeup. I wanted to do the Chola Makeup Tutorial because it's been requested multiple times. And also because tomorrow I am getting my eyebrows tattooed on, and I am so excited. I have been wanting to get my eyebrows tattooed on for about two years now.

You fucking shit. All right. Wow. Shit. All right. Babe, that was weird. I was real excited about that one. Uh-huh.

This chick, all right. And finally, they're getting tattooed. So, yeah, but I wanted to do this tutorial to really show you what's going on here. So I'm going to show you what's going on here. And I wanted to do this tutorial to really show you how I draw my eyebrows on. And, um, please little negative comments about this video.

I know it's a Chola thing, and I know a lot of people make fun of this. But honestly, I used to dress and wear my makeup like this every single day. And just recently, maybe like a year ago, I stopped doing this look. So this has been a part of my life for the majority of my high school

and after high school years. Not college. Most people don't make that distinction. This side, I've been doing this since high school and after high school. That's true. You pointed that out. She, um... Wait, and my favorite is that she's like,

I'm finally about, I'm finally going to do it. Like, it's been a lifelong dream for me. It's like, bro, you didn't have $100. Yeah. It's not that much to get your eyebrows tattooed. I'm pretty sure, you know? She then... Fuck.

So she paints them on every day, which means that she shaves them all the time. So she shows you without... Let me tell you something, ladies. It looks so... If you want to look hot, shave your fucking eyebrows off and just start painting them on.

It is a really sane, put-together look. That's the craziest look. That says, I'm sensible, I'm fun, but I like to party a little bit, too. My favorite is that it's not just that they're tattooed on, like, you know, I get it. Like, maybe you don't want to go through the fleekification. It hurts.

Fleekification. Because it does... It's a pain. But, bro, to shave them off, and then they tattoo them on like, like a perfect meanie. It's the meanies, dude. You got your Jack Nicholson's all fucking day. Right.

Every time you talk to somebody, they're like, all right, man, you're like... Imagine that. All the fucking time, you're like this. It's been a, like, dream of mine. My dream has been to get my eyebrows tattooed. It's fucking bananas. And now I have all the $40 to do it.

It's the craziest thing I've ever seen. And then what do you do when you're like, 80, you're 80 years old and you've got these meanies? Half gray and half green, and your skin has morphed them. So they kind of look like your eyebrows are melting into your eyes. Because it fades.

I mean, I guess she would have to have them... She definitely looks insane. Touched up. But you still are walking like, hey, what's up? Yeah, because... Fuck her. A lot of, I mean, you know, I'm not... Sorry, hold on, our dog is freaking out.

You know, I've never been in a gang, but I'm assuming that... You've never been in a gang? That's weird. I know, I'm pretty hardcore. But, you know, there's a lifespan to that, right? Like, you don't stay in the gang until you're 80. You don't... Like, you don't identify with a lifestyle. Like, I was goth in high school, but there's a time you move on.

Yeah. Like, she'll be 30 something at some point, right? Yeah, about... You'll be like, uh-huh. 10, 12 years from now. 10 or 12 years. I can't wait. I hope she puts the video of her with them tattooed on it.

I want to see... Oh, she's definitely uploading that. Yeah. I got the tattoo. He kind of fucked up. I just had my cousin smiley do it. What if he tattooed... And fucking Joker did it, right?

And, uh... What if, like, they tattoo your eyebrows like... Like a position you don't want? I know. You can't even fix that. Yeah. You know, but I know that, um... No, it's...

And you're like, I'm fine. Okay, because we saw that lady on the gypsy... The gypsy weddings that hers was all... Oh, yeah. No. They went from the... They went from here. Yeah, bro. The middle like this.

And she's like, I got... I'm Romney Chale. I run this family. And I'm gonna tell my daughter when she... She's 16 this time. There's a fucking shack up. That's... This is so crazy.

That gypsy culture in West Virginia is like... If you fucking pull together all the white trash DNA, and then you're like, we need to keep this shit going. Like, their whole... Their whole point is they're like, what if our culture disappears? Like... Our scumbag culture.

Where will all these recessive genes go? How can every... Who will get the DUIs here if we're all gone? Like... That show is unfucking believable. It really is. And I like that they dress it up as like, we're showing you gypsy culture in West Virginia.

And it's basically like, here is... It's just cops with wedding dresses. Like, it's just... It's the worst. White trash pieces of shit. Every episode is like, we fight, and we fucking party, and I'm 22, and she's 15,

and we're ready to start this shit now. Yeah. They're all underage. The girls... By the time they're 16, they're barren. They're old mates. 16, all getting married. And like, the mother of this one girl was like,

I'm her mother, and I know what's best. She's gonna marry her third cousin, because I know he's a good guy. And he's a good guy. And he's gonna take care of her. And it's hard to find a man. You gotta learn how to cook and clean.

And that's what they teach the girls. That's all you get to me as a girl, gypsy, is like, you're just... You're born, and you learn to cook and clean. And then, the highlight of your life, I get to wear a shiny wedding dress. I get a bling-bling. Saundra Kelly's gonna make it bling-bling.

Gonna be the biggest, best dress I ever did see. There's all kinds of crystals on it. Everyone's gonna know who I am when I walk down that way. And they're like, this is gonna be the crazy gypsy wedding tomorrow. And then everyone fights at the wedding, and they're like, thank God we're keeping our culture together.

They're shit culture. They're the fucking grossest. Fucking white people, man. They are the grossest. White people. White people. Disgusting. White to the worst.

You guys... Really. May I read this email? Oh, of course, please. Speaking of white people that suck. This is hilarious. Or did you want to read this? I don't care. Go, go, go, go.

Hey, Mommy Tommy, and back up Mommy Christina. Rude already. That's not the white one. Oh, it's not? No, that's on the other page. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, this is... Yeah, this one's funny too.

That's it right there. This one, jeans? Oh, yeah. Sorry. Hello, Tom and Tyne, T-I-N-E. Tina, he meant to write Tina. Okay. This is seriously pissing me off.

How white you two are. I love it. I love you guys to death. Was recently turned on to your podcast about three months ago, but seriously, listening to you guys break down slang terms makes me cringe. What? But I'm so on fleek.

Okay, here it goes. I have to correct you on a term that you guys brought up in this week's episode that you guys totally interpreted wrong. Okay, here it goes. Turn down. Turn down is the opposite of turn up. It's goddamn logic, man. It's not the same thing.

The act of turning up is getting hype, crazy party mode, etc. When something is turned up, it means like operating at full capacity in almost any sense. For example, ah, shit. Ah, goddamn it.

No wonder you wanted me to read this, you shit. Guys, it's on the paper. It's on the paper. I didn't even remember it. Fuck. All right, all right. I hate you so much. I fucking hate you.

I didn't even realize it was... All right, for example, ah, shit. That nigga turnt. Thank you. Thanks for clapping. Thanks guys. We're gonna...

Our next sponsor is gonna be the clan. Okay. Okay, so that... What I just said means, wow, he is drunk as shit, going crazy on a roll. Any of those things really, therefore, when something is turned down,

means boring, lame, not so poppin, etc. When somebody is turning down, it means chilling out, easing out, relaxing, not drinking, Jesus. This is gonna be easy. He gets fired up. He's all,

Jesus fucking Christ, man. I wipe down, I wear my jeans super goddamn high, up to my nipples, almost. I've gotten accustomed to talking about shit with my girlfriend. I love the show, but man, sometimes,

listening to you guys struggle with urban lingo hurts. I'm black, by the way. So maybe I have a leg up. I don't know. Love, airy. That's hilarious. God blesses a nigga.

All right, so... Why? God damn it. Good job. Good job reading that one. I'll take the next one. Thanks, guys. Yeah, you take the next one.

Thanks. Thanks for the email. Airy. By the way, oh, this is incredible. Sure. Any of you guys do yoga? Oh, yeah.

Let's do this. Really? Let's go. Man, friend. We have the one room of people who are like, what's yoga? What's that? All right.

I know. Hey, mommy, can I have a glass of wine? I'm sorry. That's a man. Can you guys ask? No, it's not. I can't see. Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't see. May I have a glass of wine from you? She doesn't know that you're asking her. I'm sorry. May I have a glass of wine, like a peener nor? Sorry. I didn't see you.

I didn't mean to mess up your... Can I get a second peener? I can't see. Two peeners. I'm sorry. I hate when I do that. Sorry. I'm the worst.

My self-esteem is so low right now. Well... Oh, it turns out that Bikram Yoga guy is a big Cosby. You know about that? That's the hot yoga. That guy's just a fucking molester. Wait, he is? Yeah.

He's got like 10 lawsuits of girls that he... that paid to train under him and then he fucking assaulted. So that's a real special type of... He pays the shit. Where you pay him to fucking assault you. But... Not cold, bro. That aside...

Have you ever heard of laughter yoga? It's a really interesting practice. He has invented it. I think we can all get involved. Here's a clip of laughter yoga. Yes. Oh, my name is Bikky. I have breast cancer.

So a woman said like, Hey, my name is Karen. Everybody goes, And then she goes, And I have breast cancer. And then I go, This is a room packed with people. Thank you so much.

Holy shit. Thanks, mommy. Thank you. Very good. Very good. Yay. I love that. That cheers.

Very good. Very good. Thank you, San Francisco, for coming out tonight. We appreciate it. Thanks, guys. Better this guy. Uh-oh. Theo hates clapping.

That very good yay came after one of the most terrifying and like horrible pieces of news. Yeah. I guess that's the point of the practice. Yeah. It's like, I lost a leg this week. And they're like,

Very good. Very good. Yay. I'm getting my eyebrows tattooed on. Very good. Very good. Yay. I fucked a girl and I don't think I should have.

She looked pretty scary like she had diseases. Very good. Very good. Yay. It's all pretty. It's bad. It's bad. I like the positive affirmation.

I feel like I want that more. You should sign up for laughter yoga. Laughter is the best medicine, you know. I don't know if they're allowed to throw yoga on what they're doing. Because they're all just sitting there. I mean, I guess they're engaging their diaphragms, you know. Well, that's called yoga when you meditation yoga. It's a form.

Oh. It's the combining. Because they're all in the zone, right? They're in it, bro. They're in some hippy fucking sweat lodge right now. They're doing their weird shit. Yeah. They're inhaling patchouli.

I buried my wife in the back. Yeah. Yeah. Please don't tell on me. Very good. Very good. Yay. I got up cats in a basement.

Like that guy, man, that guy on that show you've been watching. He got caught. Holy shit. You see that? Have you been watching the Jinx on HBO? Nope. Fuck. Just my husband.

Nobody here does yoga and nobody knows what HBO is. It's a mini series on HBO. You watch it on demand. The show revisits the case of Robert Durst, the New York real estate heir, who his wife disappeared like 27 years ago. Then his best friend mysteriously died because it was murdered when the cops were going to reopen that case. Then he killed a guy admittedly and chopped him up in self-defense.

Well, you got to chop up the body. Really? And he was acquitted. So he had never done press. So weird. He never did interviews. They made a movie about him. All good things with starring Ryan Gosling.

Oh. Okay. Okay, Ryan Gosling. How's he ready? The show, he finally agrees to an interview. They break down all the history of it, all the cases. And they find a letter that he wrote to the murdered woman's stepson. Oh, boy.

And it's the exact same handwriting. As you. As me. No, it's the same handwriting that notified police that this woman was murdered. So they show you and then they're like, holy shit. And then LAPD gets ahold of it. And he got arrested on a warrant today in New Orleans. And he's being charged first degree murder.

Good. Yeah. What a scum fuck. Good. Very good. Very good. Yay. Good job, Jeans.

Uh-oh. Doesn't like it. Sorry. Sheriff doesn't like it. Sheriff doesn't like that. You know, it's so funny. Theo gets really, he starts barking if you high five. He'll get fired up, so I don't want to.

Yeah, he's too chill right now. He's too chill. He hates high fives. It's so funny. Say nice back down. Do it. I don't want to fire the poor guy up. Very good.

We'll do it a little bit. We'll do it a little bit. Yay. He's sweet. What if you guys all clap? Would that, would that work? No, he doesn't care. He doesn't care.

He doesn't care. It's this. It's you and me. No. I won't do it. No. What? It's a bill.

It's a slow build. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Tom always feels bad for firing him up. Oh, it loves you. Yeah. Kiss. Very good. Very good. Yay. It's okay.

Okay. Go back for your 19th hour of sleep. Go back down. It's pretty bummed. It's had a busy day, guys. Very good. So what's this other email though we had? Oh yeah.

So this is about the phone stuff. Thank you, poops. No, no, no. Uh-oh. I was going to talk to you about the guy that said. Yeah. You know what he said. You know what he said.

What did he say? Oh, he says. Yeah. What did he say? He said, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He says. Yeah. Why does Tina even bother taking a shit in the turlet? The turlet.

Suggest her to take a shit in the shower and avoid the hassle of the turlet. For those of you that don't know, Christina shits no wipes and takes a shower after that. I just found out about this. Very good. Very good. Yay. Very good. Very good.

Very good. Yay. I am seeing a therapist now. Then this guy says she can just mush the shit through the drain like making wine or spend some money and have a garbage disposal installed on the drain system to chop up the caca. That is so wrong. First of all, it's not, there's no chunks ever in the drain. I don't take like your dumps, dude.

I take grill dumps, but the wiping, the endless wiping, and it hurts. So I just, why, I just cut out the middle man. I just go straight into the shower. You have problems. You need to talk to your doctor about it. I don't think so. Here's support. I got an email of support just before the show, okay?

It says, hey, Christina, I'm listening to episode 282 and I'm running some errands and I had to pull over immediately to write this email and say, thank you for being a voice of reason in the podcast community. I also skip on wiping before the shower, more specifically, I strategically plan my poops to happen right before shower time just so I don't have to mash, just so I don't have to mash brown in my butt anymore than I have to. I got to say, only once or twice have I had a clogging issue. But it was well worth it in the long run.

He signs it, much love from your friend and ally. How about the tribe has spoken? It's all good. No, the tribe has not spoken. That's your own breed right there. First of all, it's not that crazy. I time it too. I time it.

I do it. I do too. Wipe like a person. Straight to shower. And then into the shower, not you with your shit-caked ass. And isn't there brown flowing down your leg? No, it's not that intense. You're making me shower in your turlet.

It's, first of all, it's never that intense. It's never chunks, the turlet, the turlet. It's turlet, T-E-R-L-E-T, right? In your turlet. In your turlet. It's not like a goal. It's not chunky brown. It's just like, it's just a nuisance to clean wiping.

Does anybody here, all right, who agrees with wiping first before the shower? Chickens. Cowards. Okay. What a bunch of chicken shits. Now we know where the human beings are in the room. And which of you fucking pigs just gets up from the toilet and jumps in the shower? I knew it.

Cool shirt guy's on board. She's on board. This guy right here. Cheers, mommies. There you go. But don't you all realize that you are bathing in your caca when you do this? Fine with me, man. European shower.

European shower. Thank you. Yeah, it's like a bidet. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Yeah, but like, we got a message that somebody pointed out that the difference between a bidet and this is you don't shower in your bidet afterwards. Well, like cleaning the shower. You know, you're kind of like, hey, you might not want to stick your face in that.

It's the bidet. So. Yeah, see, it's fine, dude. All right. It goes down so fast. It doesn't even have a chance. Yeah, you do save money on paper. You're right.

Yes. I like that. I like that. That's the fucking logic for like, oh, it's toilet papers adding up where eco friendly costs. Well, bro, it's because we go through a roll a day at our house. That's a lot of tipi because you're fucking wanting it. I heard you up there. I heard the sound of the polling on the cuckoo cuckoo cuckoo cuckoo cuckoo cuckoo cuckoo.

I thought you were tearing apart the bathroom. Remember? I go, yo, okay. Cuckoo cuckoo cuckoo. I don't like this single ply like one, two, no, I take it and I go, of course, of course. Mittens. The shitens. How many of those did you have to do though?

Because I heard a lot. Well, here's how I do it because I'm a nice guy. Couple of those to start. Then I get another one and I wet it. Yeah. There's a wet. Yeah. Then a couple dries, then maybe another wet and a couple more dries.

So yeah, maybe like half a roll for each wipe. It's a lot. It's a lot. I need to feel clean. I have a hairy butt. I can't see bro. First of all, you should be the one going toilet to shower because of the hair quotient. My clean up is, I'm pretty sure relatively speaking, it's not a lot for you, the brown

that I have going on there when I go in the shower, but you, it's got to be a wilderness. It's just caked on like homeless guy fucking Dukes. You take homeless browns. No, I don't. No, I don't. Yeah, you do. We got this thing about porn stars. Oh my Christ.

Talking about some of the weirdest scenes they've ever done. It's phenomenal. Some pretty good stuff here. Yeah. Feel free to, you know, speak up if you've done the same stuff. I shot for a Japanese company, everybody, the producer, they fly over from Japan and they even fly over their own talent, their own male talent from Japan. As Yoshi would say, a good performer.

Talent. That's a super nice talent. And they have a thing that they enjoy, I guess. So the male talent, even though I'm not a mom, nor would never be a mom, and they like the younger girls anyway, but they like to basically suck on your tits and call you mom. And it's a 10 minute video. That's awesome. Fans of the show.

The male talent. She's a huge fan of your mom. Somebody acting like a small child and going, mama, mama, and sucking on your tits. And I think it's fucking hilarious, so it was very, very hard to sit there and try. Can we try that? Yeah. Mama, mama, mama, mama, mama. That's so weird, dude.

But there's those, you know, we talked about here last time we were here two times ago, the diaper play stuff, the baby stuff, right? Just, yeah, maybe in Japan, that's where it's at, man. Japan gets down. That's a good time. But do you, but you do see the absurdity of talent, right? Where she's like, the male talent, that's the language of the porn business is like All of us are civilians that are not involved.

Like they're fucking military or something. And then, yeah, Yoshi's favorite thing is like, you bring up somebody's like, very good performer. Yes. It's a star. Star performer. Yeah. Like this guy's fucking in the ballet and shit, like he's like, he performs like nobody

else. Like brushing. He can get hard in cold weather. It's amazing. Be serious. I think that was the one of the most interesting situations that I've been in. I did a panda gang bang once. One of the weirdest.

What? What? I think he means dressing up as pandas, right? No, I think he went to the zoo and fucked a panda. No, yeah, right? Right? It's like panda play or I'm sure some weird costumes I've ever done was for cream dreams for Jason.

And he had this, okay, I'm kind of obsessed with horse cock. I would never fuck a horse, but I think it's really fascinating that they had a squirting horse dildo and it squirted milk. And so this other girl and I were squirting milk into each other's assholes with, you know, this giant horse dildo and then shooting it out of our assholes into each other's mouths and onto each other's asses. Some chicks are cool. You get it now?

Like that's a first date ass eater right there. I thought, man, my friend were like, yeah, I shot milk in our mouth. I'm Donna's little princess. I'm Donna's little princess. I got milk in my asshole. That is so specific to like, yeah, horse cock, milk shitting all over my bottle. Who's fantasy is this? There's enough people on earth that that's a market that you need to cater to.

Yes. There are horse cock milk shooting asshole. Yeah. They're like, I like that big old horse cock, but did you fucking get some milk shooting out of that thing or what, man? Like, I actually, I would say the porno thing that I hate the most is the fake horse cock. Money shot where like they have, like it's like a genre where the guy stands there with a, like a fake dick and then he shoots like just fake streams of milk.

You know, I've never, I'd never even heard of such a thing. Oh yeah. I got a bunch of it, but like, no, I want to, I like seeing the real thing. Of course. Why would you? Yeah. And then it goes like, and then she goes like, wow, that's a lot. And there's like 19 gallons on her.

You're like, uh, that's my faith. Sometimes I ask for it. I'll be like, Tom, do the scoop and score. Let me see you do it. Yeah. The scoop and score. Oh, I love it. The scoop and score.

It's so stupid. I hate it. It's important. That's my least. I left some hair. They have to act like they love it, like, that like jizz is the best thing. And sometimes you see them go like, oh, like, like it's delicious. Yeah.

It's pretty gross. No, I hate that part of it. Always. Cut down. That's a lot of fucking calling. All right. Yeah, this is a, this is a, this is a. Who does that?

Read like, oh yeah. Let me get all of it. A lot of, a lot of cool chicks out there. I guess I'm real fucking square, right guys? And then we did the same thing with whipping cream. So it was very interesting. I did a scene where I was friends with a mentally handicapped boy. And he got mad at me and he knocked me out and raped me.

What? Whoa. Now that's like, I'm not familiar with. I got to tell you. That kind of took the party down too. Like what? It was supposed to be like a light hearted. And that's, I think that's why the guy, the editor of this kind of dropped it in the

middle. Like everyone's going to be like, ha, ha, ha. As mentally handicapped. That's a very specific. That's a genre. But that, that fantasy. It's a mentally handicapped person. Sure.

Who she goes gets mad at me. So it's like the whole thing. Right. Somebody's laughing. Love her. Like, like he's, the, basically the scene's got to be like, he hits on her and she's like, no, I don't like you like that. And he's like, ah, and then like, yeah.

Why don't you like it? No, I pussy now. And then he knocks her out. Yeah. And that's terrible. It's not okay guys. Oh, it's not okay. It's not okay.

It's not okay. She would have bummer. She is to to bring that story up. You don't have a light hearted horse cock with milk shooting out of it. I know. Story to share with the audience for fuck's sake. I mean, and then there was that time I got raped by a retarded person. I mean, gosh, keep it to yourself.

Right. Come on. Buzzkill. God. Just bury that one deep down. Right. Holy shit. Have some shame.

Well, this is and this is her scene. Her scene. Yeah. This is this didn't really happen to her. This is just like, you know, today at work. So I do a lot of BDSM and kink stuff. So what's like normal for me is just like, ah, I did a scene with medical staples where the medical staple gun is used for suturing wounds.

And I had a series of medical staples done over thread. Pay attention to thread because it's important in a cross hatcheting pattern. And it went all the way down to my pussy. My favorite. She sounds smart. Like she's, she's kind of like I'm a nerdy, Comic Con kind of gal. And I had sutures, which is a big word. You know, she's like using smart words, suture all the way down to my pussy.

Like they always use the most obscene language for their genitals. It's always like, well, they suck. They have milk shooting at a horse cock in their house. But it's like, it's so it's, it stands out so jarring when they're like my pussy. I don't generally refer to it as my pussy. What do you say? I mean, vagina or cooter or snatch. No, I don't know.

You know what I mean? Something more. Yeah. Giny. A little more delicate. Meow. Meow. So the point was when you got all the 30 staples in and it went down to my pussy, you could

pull the thread and my pussy would actually open up. Oh my God. And you. Whoa. That's the genre. Like I look up and the ceiling is just honey. And the whole room's going. And then the ceiling kind of parts and God's like, hey, rain.

Good job. Okay. Yeah. The kind of girl that lets you staple 30 sutures down to her pussy sees shit like that. Also. I don't understand that. I don't. Like I know she's.

She's zoned out. The fucking ceiling was moving. The ceiling was like honey. And God was like, good job. That's. I'm like, thank you God. And then I passed the fuck out. And when I wake up, all the staples are still in my labia.

I'm like, you know, you could have at least taken them out while I was unconscious because now I have to go through taking out. I'm awake. So you're an inconsiderate bastard. And they had to remove all the staples. I'm like, you know, you could have at least taken them out while I was unconscious because now I have to go through taking out. I'm awake.

So you're an inconsiderate bastard. And they had to remove all the medical staples with the staple gun thing. And I don't want to do that again. But one time I shot this scene for. One time I shot this scene for. That's my favorite. One time. And I was like Japanese company.

Here we go. Japan again. Surprise. Where it was my birthday. So I was in a hotel room with four or five Japanese men, which totally makes sense. And they were singing the birthday song to me with the birthday cake. And I blew up the candles. And instead of eating the cake, I squished my little toes in it.

And then I sat down on the hotel bed and stuck my little feet up in the air. And they ate the cake off of my feet. Like the little, you know, like when you put your feet in the little foot baths and the little leeches bite them off, bite off the dead skin. It was like that, but with cake. One by one they all took turns vomiting into the bathroom as I just sat there and watched. What? It's her story, guys.

Her story. Let her have her experience. If it was unclear, she stepped in birthday cake. Guys ate it off of her feet. And then they all vomit. It's a fun story. Okay, buddy. Do you want?

Yes, meow. This right here. You all right? Yeah. He's like sneezing in my face. Yeah. Okay. This.

Oh, this is hilarious. There's this. I don't know how this was sent. I don't know. Someone sent it through an email. Someone sent it in. It's pretty funny. So this guy, I guess gets really aggressive on the phone and somebody recorded him being

really aggressive. And then they play him back to himself. Like on a sound board. So he, he's talking to himself and never realizes it. It's amazing. Like for a second, you'll hear, I will stop it throughout, but he'll be like, you sound like me. Just for a moment.

And then he gets so angry at the person talking to him. Who's him? Hello? Hello? Who's speaking? Who's speaking? You can kind of tell when the sound board is being played at him. Right?

You've got a problem with coffee, son of a bitch. Oh, here we go with that shit again. Who was this guy? What's your fucking name? Give me an address. I'm going to put a bullet in your bitch's head. So that's him. Obviously from a previous conversation, really angry saying, give me your address.

I'll put a bullet in your bitch's ass. And he's like, talking some shit. You want to talk some shit? You want to talk some shit? Call me. Meet me some other fucking way, bitch. That sound like me. So then I think logically you go, all right, he's picking up on that.

He's going to be like, this is ridiculous. He falls so deep into this hole. That sound like me. That's his only moment of clarity. Poor guy. You've got a problem with coffee, son of a bitch. All you got to do is give me your address motherfucker. What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm going to give you a fucking name. You're fucking spilling out here. You're making me. I'm going to give you a fucking name. Shit. It's a clip of your cop and you come here some. You want to address motherfucker? Give me one.

You're making me some way. Give me your address. I'm going to put a bullet in your bitch's ass. Hey, hey, what, you know what? We can do this. Give me a fucking address. I want a nice to my pieces, old boy. Wait a minute.

Like not only does he not recognize his own voice, but it's his speech pattern. Everything. His exact way of speaking. Yeah. Everything that he has said and he's listening to it. It's like, fuck you bitch. Like.

Oh, he's getting heated. He gets so out of control. Put a bag full of bullets and some clips. Now how the fuck you want to do this shit? The fucking shit on the phone. Let me somewhere. It's just him and him saying meet me somewhere. That's all they say.

That's all he ever says to people and all he's hearing is his voice going meet me somewhere. I wish someone would do this to you with all your Tomer Black stuff, that'd be hilarious. Shit, you fucking ass, bitch ass, make good. Meet me somewhere, fucking where. You callin' my crayon dead, bullshit. Meet me somewhere. Fuck, give me two minutes, let me put this clip in this motherfucker. What now? Meet me somewhere. He definitely got his gun for this. He definitely got it. Meet me somewhere, motherfucker. Fuckin' shit. Meet me somewhere. Bring any goddamn artillery you need. I got 20. Meet me somewhere. Okay, bro.

There's a pause. This is a real pause. My clip is in. Bitch, how about yours? He put his clip in his gun during that time. Now he really wants to go shoot himself. Meet me somewhere, motherfucker. Fuckin' bitch. Give me the fucking address, bitch. Give me the fucking address. I don't even know you, but I'll smoke your ass. No family on the plane's boys, bitch. I only give a fuck what I do to you. No, I still don't even shit. Just you callin' my motherfuckin' crayon some more bullshit. Fuckin' your motherfuckin' dick on the side playing with your motherfuckin' ass, bitch. Give me a fuckin' address.

Meet me somewhere, motherfucker. Give me a fuckin' address. Meet me somewhere, motherfucker. Give me a fuckin' address, bro. I'm standing here with this motherfuckin' car, bitch. And my motherfuckin' hair made me some motherfuckin' way right now. Don't call my motherfuckin' crayon no more. I don't give a fuck either, bitch. I don't fuck you in to give me a fuckin' number. Quit callin' his dick fuckin' ass, white boy. What?

Now, his own voice has called him a white boy. A white boy. Oh, nigga, fuck you. What the fuck you talkin' about? I ain't ever been callin' your crayon. Oh, fuck that. My dick hard. Meet me somewhere, motherfucker. Meet me somewhere. This might be the most brilliant thing ever built on the web. I'm so fuckin' happy with this. It just makes me go... Very good! Very good! Yay! My T-cell count is seven.

Very good! Very good! Very good! Yay! Alright. Oh, shit. Alright. Meet me somewhere. We still don't have a new version of this yet. Uh-oh. I know. This is our... What are we supposed to do, though? That's kind of what it's always been. I know. I know.

It's time for Would You Rather. Are you ready? We're so excited. We came up with some good ones on the car right up, so... Okay, here's the first. In light of our earlier clip... Yeah. So, Tom, would you rather shave your eyebrows off and have them tattooed on like the Chola... Yeah. Jack Nicholson styles for the rest of your life. That's it. That's your brow work. No. Sure. Every single day, well, six days a week, you get to go to an insurance seminar for 12 hours a day.

Well, you love insurance, so this will be easy for you. It's torture, and it's all technical, and then there's like a quiz at the end of the day, so you have to pay attention. Six days a week, bros. Fuck. You shave off your eyebrows for the rest of your life, or you shave off those sweet, bushy brows and get those meanies tattooed on. Dude, it's so crazy to go through life with tatted eyebrows. I know, man.

First of all, socially, you're ostracized. You're done. Yeah, you're done. Those are job stoppers, too. You're never going to work. Total job stoppers. Entertainment-wise, career over immediately. You can't go on television with meanies. No. But the thing is, maybe you could grow out your big naturals over your meanies. Then you'd have two sets of eyebrows. Oh, yeah, never mind you.

That looks so fucking crazy. When people are like, wow, man, you got four eyebrows, and you're like, yeah, that's how I roll, man. So you're, okay, well then, yeah. I feel like it should be, you take the eyebrow thing, but then you're compensated. Oh, right, so you get, you make a living is what you're saying. So, okay, so you earn, how much money would be reasonable to live on for the rest of your life? Would you say? To get my eyebrows tattooed on?

Like 200 million. I'll give you, I'll give you for the rest of your life, okay, 5 million. No. For the rest of your life. And you don't have to work, bro. You can, you can live off the interest. And you've got that. Your comedy career is definitely taking a turn. Like people will be like, you want to go to that fucking crazy eyebrow guy?

Yeah, but cholos would love you. You'd be like the cholo comic. You just have to change your act. Hey, you ever fucking, hey fuckers. I feel like the insurance thing is so goddamn awful. You know when you're getting faded? Six days a week, 12 hours a day. Yeah, that's terrible too.

Yeah, it's horrific. Insurance seminars. Yeah, so even with whatever kind of eyebrows you have there, your life is pretty over. 12 hours a day of insurance seminar. All right, I'm shaving my fucking eyebrows. Yeah, I think I would too. And maybe wear like a low hat or something. Yeah, a hat that fucking is here.

Or bangs. What do you guys want? Yeah, clap for eyebrow work. Who's doing the eyebrow work? Yeah, I know. That's how the bros wear it. The fucking radon bros. Yeah, the South Bay all the way, bro. Okay, clap if you're doing the insurance seminar for 12 hour days.

Six days a week. Jesus. Wow, you're a trooper. What do you do now? Huh? You're a delivery driver, so you're like, oh, it's a 12 hour seminar. Sound fun. That would kill you though.

What do you deliver? All right, you ever sneak a pill or two? You ever do that? Sorry, should I go? You would really do the insurance thing? 12 hours a day. That's a lot. Six days a week.

The rest of your life. That's your career though. You're not going to do anything with it. You're just going to learn. Do some fucking wacky eyebrows and live a life, man. Do whatever you want. I want to talk to you about insurance after the show. Wow, the tribe has spoken.

You guys really, all right, yeah, eyebrows it is. Now this next one, I'm really excited about. Do you want to go ahead? Why don't you do it? Okay. You never do them. You should do this. So, would you rather, okay, you have Sunday dinner with your family every week.

And you have to bring a homeless guy or girl, depending on your sexual orientation. And they are at Sunday dinner. And whenever you're questioned, like, when they're like, who the fuck is this? You're like, it's my fiance. And they're like, like, they're doing crazy shit. But it's not just Sunday dinner. Like, this is your new fiance. So they meet you after work.

You walk back to your place, clearly. They can't spend the night. There's no milk in my bowl now. They can take a shower at your place once a week, but they can't spend the night. Like you can spend like a few hours with your homeless fiance, but then you have to kick them out. But at Sunday dinner is the most. That's the pickle. Because your whole family is there and they're always like, how's it going?

And you're like, it's good. We're doing well. And then your homeless girlfriend's like, do you want a blowjob? And you're like, not right now, sweetie. And she's like, by the hot dog menu. And you're like, OK. And everyone's like, what the fuck happened to you? And you can't explain.

You can't tell anybody that it's like a dare. Right. You're a homeless fiance. You're a homeless fiance. That's what we had last time. Two times ago we were here, some guys sang the Meow Mix song to us outside of our restaurant. It's either that or for how long? For a year.

Homeless fiance. You date your homeless fiance for a year. Same person. Yeah, they're pretty crazy. They're not just homeless. So crazy. Yeah. It's not.

And they reach down. Whatever. They're like. Like, it's not good. Or once a week. So only 52 times a year. You have to go to your parents' house and you have to give each of them a bath. And it's got to be kind of like, you know, you got to get in there.

It's a sponge bath. You got to get under dad's nuts. You got to wash your mom's tits. And you got to towel them off. Now. You said absurd. You go, it's kind of intimate. It's intimate and loving.

I think I said it's kind of sensual. But you don't have to go there. Sensual. Here's the whole thing. Do you want 365 with? Right. Or just an hour a week. Just wash your mom.

It takes an hour each too. It takes an hour to wash dad. Lovingly drying him off. Can you do half an hour with that? An hour with mom. Can you do half an hour with your mom? I'm a nice bath. Dude, I can't even hang out with my parents without bathing them for that long.

They're annoying. But that homeless fiance is going to fuck shit up. You're alive. You're not dating anyone else. You try to date people and he's like, Hey, Christina. He's yelling under your window. Come on.

Throw down a sandwich. It's real crazy. That's Bob. You're on a date and then he stands outside the restaurant and pisses on the glass. Yeah, it's uncomfortable. And then if you're on the date with a new person and then they go,

What's up with this guy? And you got to go, What's my fiance? And they're like, What? I thought we were doing something. And you're like, Look, I just don't want to get my dad a bath.

I don't want to get my folks a bath. I would choose the homeless fiance for a year. What? I don't like being around my folks that much. I can't. Oh, no, that's too crazy. It's 365. Yeah.

No, it's not because you kick him out at night because he can't sleep in your apartment. We made this rule. You can only shower once a week in your apartment. He walks you home from work. You eat a meal and then Bob is record. I'm sorry. Do you have to bang him?

No. You don't have to bang him. It's optional. It's optional. If you feel. Can you put him in a special Olympic shirt? Yes, you may, sir. Yes.

Yeah. I like your questions. You can dress him up. You can dress him up. You can clean him up. Once a week, he may shower. He may. But guess what?

He hates showers. Okay. He fucking hates showers. Yeah. Now I feel like here's why I would do the bathing the parents. Okay. First of all, it might happen one day where like they need someone to bathe them. And you'll just do it lovingly.

Now in this scenario, they're not. They're not sick. Yeah. They're not sick. They're fine. And like your dad gets boners too. Don't forget that. Do you want to rethink it now?

No. I stand firm. You stand firm like your dad's boner. Dude, I would never. Even when he is old, like just I'll just pay somebody to do this. Can I pay someone? Me? I like that lady.

Sure. Get in there. You got to get in there with soap. You can't just cursory. You got to clean her ass crack. You really got to get in there. Mom, I got to do this. There's this fucking homeless lady outside.

You got to lift up her tits. I feel like it'd be really uncomfortable the first couple of times. And then like week, week 33, you're just like, Hey, we're just doing this bat. What'd you guys do today? And I'm, you know, yeah, don't forget about my nuts, buddy. Yeah. Definitely. Who would bathe their parents?

Well, someone's got good families. I get it. And you know, if it leads to kissing or something, that's fine. God, what's wrong with you? Nobody else is going there. Sigoura. I know, I know. I mean, if you look, if I saw one of you kiss your dad, I'd be like, Oh, that's a neat

relationship. Okay. Would you kiss your dad? No. But like a slow kiss. He would never date a woman as old as me. I know that. Way too old for my dad, guys.

He's already told me that you guys always come. No, he's like, I would never date a woman as old as you. I was 34 at the time. Really? Wow. It's right. That's healthy. Okay.

Is there any? Holy shit. Anything you guys want to hear? Oh, yeah. What's that? Local fry. What you doing? I hate it when men try to label me.

They say you're too young or you understand you get older. Truth is, I know way more than I think I do. I'm not that little girl anymore. But that's okay. They'll realize what I'm missing soon enough. She's dead. Online or on the phone. We're at 18.

Come play with us. Oh, my God. There you go, sir. The golf. Fuck me, my ass, my ass. That really brings back warm memories. My fans. Okay.

Okay. Fuck me, my ass, my ass. That's a good one. Give me my reward. Okay. It's like multiple choice. Are you okay? So funny.

I can't believe I'm laughing at that. Multiple choice. So cute. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with y'all? Oh, yeah, yeah. Which one? Which one?

Oh, the one where he's like, what are your dad's funeral? Oh. And you have nine powerful organs. Okay. What are your dad's funeral? What's wrong with you? What's wrong with y'all? You niggas are crazy.

All right. Huh? Oh. Hard fucking core. Okay. Okay. I left my wallet there. I left a wallet there.

And then I can't find it. And then she goes. There's so many. Man. Man. Here it is. This is the girl. What's up?

What's happening? Excuse me? I said, what's happening? Who's this? It's Teddy Lung. Who? Teddy Lung. What are you looking for?

I left my wallet there. Excuse me? I left a wallet there. Okay. I left a wallet. I left a wallet there. What did it say? It said, get something.

It said, get something on the side. Yeah. A wallet. Oh, ball, ball. What? Oh, Jesus. You guys are good with this. All right.

You guys are going big words. All right. Hold on. I forgot to turn the voice. Oh, here's Maria here. Dirty and disgusting. Uh, angel. There you go.

That was awful. I know. What was one I was looking for? Oh, wow. Wow. Wow. Wow, wow. Where is that?

That was an old school. Man, that's a while ago. Yeah. That's an old house. That's an old joke. That's an old joke. That's an old joke. Oh my God.

Seriously? Um. You have pages. That's Maria. I know. There's so many. You have like 20 pages of these. I don't know how you find anything.

Yeah. You just do it by memory? Most of them, yeah. Mom, this thing. Man, no. I feel comfortable here. Did you get what I'm saying? You got eight hangers.

Okay. You know what I'm saying? There's one shower. There's two bathrooms with a curtain. No mirrors. And man, it's just, you know what I'm saying? It's no privacy. You hear me?

It's no mother f***ing privacy. There's orgasm. There it is. There it is, orgasm. When you're on your knees, it's your father's funeral at his casket. And you're saying goodbye to him. And then you have nine orgasms right there. Your whole family is standing behind you.

You never want to have another orgasm as long as you live. But you know what? You just keep on coming. Two and a half minutes. Oh, here's your favorite, babe. I love vegan vaginas. I hate that guy. Ten long licks.

So you can put your penis or your scrotum up against the scrotum. I was going to knock her in the head one day out here. I decided to garage because she called me out and retarded. I was going to knock her in the head with a claw hammer. A retard? Is it retard or retarded? It's retarded. Retard.

God. Retarded. What's wrong with you? Retarded. What's wrong with y'all? Ah, the French champagne. That's the mess of those ones. Oh, he sees a little fly.

Oh, he found a little flea food. Go get it. Go kill. Kill. All right. Okay, lady. You really want that. Where is it?

That was really good. The only thing I think I only have it as part of the sprinkler bit. Oh, do the cum dogs. Give me my reward. I want to see all the cum on my face so I can lick it up. No thanks. Oh my God, you guys are so disgusting. Juice.

Juice. All right. Yeah. What? Oh. Donna. P-O-P. P-O-P.

Hold it down. P-O-P. Hold it down. Mama, I love you. Pimp squad, baby. All right. We got to get going. Cops are all bombed in the shit.

They're all fucking bombed in the shit. Fucking cops are fucking balls. We love you. Thank you, man. Friend disco. You guys are the best. Thank you guys very much for coming. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you guys very much for coming. Love you. Thank you guys. To me, part of enjoying life is to make the most out of everything that you do. You see lions out on this Iron Getty when they stake out their territory, you know,

what they're at. What she articles. Sure. What they're sent. That's what I do. And any time I start blowing farts, you know, 30 minutes later, I'll be dropping one in. Did you just fart? Did you just fart in your hand?

This was a real squirter. Drop my load. Just chill him. Take a dump. He's the Oprah of shitting. Absolutely. Kind of the Dr. Oz of the radio network. You know, the wipes people use to clean like their countertops.

Industrial strength. Always use the handicapped stall. It's hard to hold your cheeks together when you're walking downstairs. The cheeks don't stay closed on the butt. The toilet seat covers work great. It did the job. You gave me great advice on how to wipe. If you wipe too hard, like I used to do.

You need to wipe down. Wipe down. Wipe down.