Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 287-Matt Fulchiron-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 8, 2015

Need a recommendation on where to eat, what to see? It's a good thing The Concierge is in the building. Never any half-stepping when the Full Charge is here.  This is one of the most action packed episodes in history. We actually feel a little guilty - about how funny and amazing this episode is. If you don't enjoy this then you have a serious head injury that is accompanied by very loose and low jeans.  Respect your mother OR get knocked out in the store she works in. Plus will wipegate ever get settled? We have Supreme Court Justice Top Dog laying down a clear RULING. How will America respond?!? Want a workout video to gain muscles, but isn't gay? We might have found your guy. Black Talk that stumps our ears is in full effect and a would you rather that might make you Vegan (Vagina).  Pull em up, yo!

Not unless I really have to Yo check it out My show April 12th in San Diego is sold out. Yeah American comedy company. Thank you to Everybody that listens to the show that is going to that show. I appreciate it very much. I have One thing that changed from last week's episode. I was gonna do the ice house April 16th

It's moved to April 28th. If you have tickets that you already bought for the 16th. They're good on the 28th if you Can come to that show, please do the April 28th show is a big one for me It's a showcase show where I'm trying to get people excited about This hour of material to shoot it in a special so I would love if you could come out and Support that's Tuesday April 28th 8 p.m. Show the ice house in Pasadena And then the very next day I go to Denver

Colorado. Yeah, that's where I'm going. Yeah, the main man the full charge is with me and We're at comedy works south That's the the big club just a little south of Denver and that's Sunday We're gonna go to Salt Lake City and do wise guys in the West Valley So that should be a blast and then after that's Chattanooga and then Nashville and Asheville So all those tickets are at Tom Segura comm Jeans, you're going to my my birth city. Yeah, the city that pushed me out of her vagina Cincinnati, Ohio. Yeah, I'll be doing stand-up at go bananas April 23rd April 24th April 25th

And then on the 26th the jeans machine is coming with me. It's awesome. And we're doing the podcast live From go Gumry, yeah from a basement in Cincinnati. I love that club. Yeah, it's gonna be I'm so excited to do go bananas Come see me guys and don't be one of those people. It's like oh I'm only can do one thing Buggas and not see your Zina mommy do new stand-up and try new things and be funny First of all learn to speak like an adult. Yeah, and second of all go to both the solo Christina Yeah, and the mommy show. Yeah, what's up with that? What's up with her?

Oh Yeah, the podcast is gonna be crazy there. I think so it's gonna be crazy. So Please come out to that and I'm already getting word that hey Las Vegas buy fucking tickets to my show in June. Okay, it's a big Yeah, so the full charge is here. Yeah, we got some he's got some big dates coming up. Yeah We're gonna tell you them now. We got to talk about them more. Yes. So they are just so people know Yeah, that's June 9th and Fort Lauderdale June 9th. That's April 9th. April Thursday April 25th. I'm in Milwaukee, Wisconsin and April 26th. I'm in Chicago in Chicago, Illinois and then May 9th. I'm in like Huntington Beach tickets for those

The tickets are at the full charge calm the full charge. Do you know where you're playing in Chicago? Um, yeah, I'm playing a high hat. Nice. Do you know this thing? Yeah. Yeah, I looked up a lot of Chicago venues And in Millie walkie What in Millie walkie Milwaukee? I'm playing. Um I know this. I don't know. It's at the full charge calm. I forgot it. Yeah That's all I need you got to get the full charge. You got to go see his shows, man The uh to the mille walkie ins the chicago ins and the dirty dirty south florida people Go see the full charge at the seminal. Nothing better, man. All the seamen hole hard cock

Yeah, that is the best That takes the cake for all your nicknames. Yeah for clubs the seamen hole hard cock and comesino comesino Jesus christ It has everything you could throw play a little blackjack have a drink Go see the full charge. Yeah, then go back and eat a fucking late night burger. Yeah, what's wrong with you? Lose some money win some laughs. That's what we ate that crazy italian food that guy with his face on the sign He's really ridiculous. Yeah. That's so crazy, dude Let's do this ready to do this or what? Yeah. Yeah, that's what I came down here for

Let's go That's your mother She's your mother man. She's your mother. You only get one of those You only get one Who is randy don't bring anyone loving to this Welcome welcome to your mom's house with tom segura Christina

Oh You gotta picture yourself With like thousands of people looking at you and you kind of got a sculpt amount In your mind I always I wanted I wanted to shoot a sketch about how guys in bands. Yeah, uh, sometimes like in cheesy Bands whenever they're playing like sometimes they go like We'll like laugh back. Yeah We're doing this shit. We're fucking doing this shit right now. Yeah, the pointing is really cool

I like I like the watching a really good drummer who just fucks with the stick in the meantime Do you know what I mean? Like the guy from the food fighters is always fucking twirling it Like they kind of do it as a joke like ha ha remember the glam rockers But then they it's like anything else in life. You make something fun or something enough. It becomes your life Well, yeah, look at the mommy stuff. I mean Jeans up the jeans up hoes down jeans are everywhere. What's up with the gene become real now? Yeah become a thing guys. It's true Um, you know, I obviously pulled that clip for a reason He's addressing motherhood, which is obviously a topic on this show

You only get two of those you only get two of those. Yeah um In this clip what's happening is Some guy is disrespecting his mother Yeah In a store and out of nowhere a guy just punches him in the face Yeah Tells him not to talk to his mother like that. He gets up and he punches him again

He almost knocks him out. I mean he's he's pretty much teetering on the line of consciousness there And the guy's really pissed off at this kid. It's not even a kid. I mean, it's a grown man Talking to his mother like this Yeah Now what do we learn? I like that he threatens like you gotta love your mother motherfucker like do it now I like how the kid just barely says it's a it's a borderline level of disrespect Yeah, and then the guy just kicks the shit out of him. He calls him the n word

humiliates him treats him worse than he's ever treated his mother I bet you that guy that kid didn't talk shit to his mother the rest of the day though never again No, I've never talked shit to someone in public again ever ever ever. No that happened to you He didn't see a public ass whooping Man forget it that gets uploaded on on the internet too. If someone just even called me the n word in public I never I never what word's that I don't know What word is that guys what n word are you talking about?

It's a racial slur Actually feels good when you're white and someone calls you in it. Yeah, it's like big words. Yeah, I'm somebody Um that happened to me in college like other than this door with all these black guys and they're like that's my nigga right there And I was like, yes Makes you feel good. Yeah Makes you feel really good. Yeah, it makes you feel down. There's nothing like black approval. It's so good It's the best thing in the world. It feels so good. Like when a black person tells you you're funny after your show It's like the ultimate compliment. All right, like a million white people can say it, but one black person

It feels like nothing else Feels amazing That was from the 50 orgasms guy. Yeah, is he a 50 different? No, I don't know. It's a good question He just comes all day comes all day. Yeah, he tapes them all Right that's a logical question so good It's hard to get past like three or four Is 50 his uh his per diem? No, I mean I think his daily allotment is like a hundred or more

Really? God damn. It's horrible. It's debilitating. Right. Yeah, this is because after nine They don't come out so easy. He has nine at a time. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, that's cheating and it's not really either He has he that's what we thought. He's like multi multi orgasmic as a man. I just had nine Rather powerful Orgasmic That's your dick homie you don't treat her like that you only get one dick Don't treat it like that. Oh god

That's an orgasm. Yeah, that's not real. Yes, it's real It's crazy white niggers. Yeah, all right We've already covered everything on this episode Yeah, jeez. I mean we we didn't we didn't record an episode last week, but I feel like this already makes up for that Pushing it hard gosh full throttle. Wait. So tell me how did you um, are you are you bringing anyone to Shietown, Milwaukee? Uh, Milwaukee. They just they just slapped me with somebody someone's a fan of my podcast and they slapped me with someone local Chicago i'm looking for openers if you're out there if you're a comic in Chicago Hit me up matt at the full charge or at the full charge on twitter. You could win a date

With the full charge. That's awesome, but you better bring me some deep dish Oh The officer out there you're gonna get a fucking a slew of yeah, yeah, man for sure That's really cool that you're letting Anybody do it. There's somewhat of a screening process. What's the screen send me a link? How many followers you got? No, i'm just kidding. I'll just use my best judgment. Okay social media is so advanced that you can pretty much figure someone out I would say this too though. I mean, I feel like this if you do have a link to a good representation of what you do

Send that. Yeah, exactly. Don't have that and not send it right Send it out pick out something nice And send it here's what I do with some jokes Well, and I would say you should have at least how much time 20 minutes to open for you Right. Yeah, you gotta have that. Don't don't be like. Hey, I'm a comic. I've done one open mic You may want to Yeah, I'll be able to tell that though. You'll be able. Yeah, is that true though You can tell everything from people social media if you go through their twitter feed

They have a joke with one of the punchlines is dead hooker. You're out That's like a rookie line and i've done it. I'm not judging you right, but when I started there was no internet So lucky me dead hooker You said you could tell by looking at my page that i'm not trying to get laid That's true Right. No, you can pretty much monitor. Oh, bro. Like I was looking at Tommy's uh twitter page like just the design the layout And his background page like the header or whatever that's called It's it's a picture of his eyes as he's taking a shit like he's pushing a turd out

Yeah, look at that That's not a guy trying to screw around right? No, that's why I was relieved. I'm like, oh, you're clearly some guys are putting it out there Tom's taking it back Not for anybody but Christina Yeah, tom's not even he's not even taking it out And then your your profile picture is the one I took of you Where you've got your space headphones on on an airplane your eye shutters or whatever like you're fully you're just fully Not sexually it's like what a woman

Uh wears her haircut short gets her haircut short Where's like tiva sandals? Jean like jorts and she's like i'm not into sex anymore. I'm not that's a statement Yeah, don't don't look at my vagina. Don't get in there, but I still like it. You know You still like what sex No, you do. Yeah, you do. You're just not trying to fuck everybody. Yeah, just me. Yeah, that's beautiful A lot of guys don't know it's fun to be out of the game Then again, I see other guys who have been locked down forever just desperately looking for loopholes on the internet

Yeah, I can't think of any examples right now, but you see it out there I've seen women do that and that is dangerous that that ruins your life. Oh real quick All instagram is just girls taking naked pictures of themselves all day and a lot of times like their boyfriends there too Like they're women like really put it out there, especially The generation after us women are so much shadier. There's so much shadier than dudes Yeah, like in what which regard they're just sexually I think like They're the ones that I think like Are the more scandalous ones they want attention for their physical appearance even after they're in relationships

Not all But the women I follow on instagram Big time I follow dogs on instagram. Who the fuck are you following? I thought they should change instagram to my tits on mydog.com Because that's all it is. I know I like having you been at shows too Where you're like amazed at like the woman that and her boyfriend's like standing behind her She's so like like flirting or like being it's like inappropriate Yeah, and then you're like this fucking dope like standing with her. I always feel bad. I've been the dope before yeah

Yeah, uh several occasions. I went out with that really hot chick that was in playboy and stuff She needed so much validation for her looks which was weird because she was always the best looking girl in the room Isn't that weird? Yeah, no, but that's usually how it goes the girl It's because all your identity is invested in that and once that starts to go Oh, look out Now wait, what was I gonna say shit? I forgot it I had a good thought too instagram titties dogs Validation yeah, yeah, I'll fucking get there. Tommy took a shit on the toilet and his eyes are closed

That's so disgusting. I'm really wrong I think I was drunk. I almost took I almost pulled like a Thompson girl and took a picture of myself Like shitting with my pants down and stuff. I forget why And then I go don't put that up I think girls like the sneakiness of those like social media affairs like the hit the attention hit Yeah, yeah, yeah, especially younger ones. Yeah, yeah younger is probably not my man There's no doubt about it. Yeah, and because it's a gray area. It's a loophole bros. I know what I was gonna say You know what kills me is like I was at the improv a week ago

And I'm like why wow these women are dressed like horse Like the women coming to a comedy show are dressed like street walkers. Yeah, and I'm not exaggerating I'm like, yeah, I'm are these prostitutes or audience. Yeah, and you're like, wait, you know, you're just you're just going You're gonna sit in the dark, right? Yeah This is a comedy club. This is the stream club. Yeah, they say there's a boom a comedy boom coming back Which means the whores are back at the show snaps Probably makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, I mean and then like depending on

Who the act is that night that they're going to see you can really see the hoes out, right? Yeah, like it's a pen. Yeah, like if it's a dude who's like in his 40s who's trying to be 20 still There's like that guy, you know what I'm saying like I know that guy. Yeah, he still single. He still brings him out Yeah, yeah, and he's on tinder. That's his lane. You know, like, yeah, I'm the hot guy that fucks 20 year old Yep. Yeah, they they show up for him. Yeah, I'm sure Yeah, well, there you go Not me. Not me, babe. Don't worry. Not me. Who's your eye? You're clearly not trying to pull that. There's no hoes at my show

I don't have hoes in different areas I've seen your audience has a lot of um, like earplugs and tattoos and It is sleeves and you gotta have a beard, right? I see a lot of like tatted up people at my show. That's yeah, I think like, um, every last regular white dude is like I don't want to be a regular white dude. And that's one way out Right, that's one way out if you isolate their face a lot of times. They're like they look like, um, opi cunningham Yeah, but if you pull on the but when they have this when they have the sleeves, it's like, all right The guy's kind of tough, I guess I like seeing a little I like certain cities. I feel like it's a good mix full sleeve soft hands

There you go. Full sleeve soft hands Soft, you know, they ain't tough They just got tattoos. They just bought soft hands bought tough You know what's interesting? They don't work in a field. Um, I came up with this revelation this last week while hanging out with Tom, you're familiar with king ass ripper, right? I'm not. Oh, okay. Well, Tommy, would you mind? I know he's very mainstream. I know he's the household name, but I'm kind of out of the loop Well, every house has one in it Do you are you really not familiar with him? I'm telling you the truth. Okay

Let me let me you don't know the lord. I'd love to claim that I'm hip young and cool and I know who king ass ripper is but I Wow I'm foreign on you haters. Yeah, okay. Um, I think I got it I don't know if you really have it All right So everything I learned about this genre I learned here and that is there's fart videos. Yeah, and

As important there's always it's usually about the chicks, but every once in a while a male comes along That steals the show and that's king ass ripper. Yeah, he um You nailed it. I mean the king. Wow, that was an astute observation. You broke it down. He really did. The king is the fucking man. I mean Do you hear this? Yeah a fucking Yeah, did you hear how good he did? Yeah, no, he gets it. He watches it I'm having a big ass fucking breakfast. Oh Yeah, I'm having a big ass fucking breakfast. Wow. Is that the setup to the to the sex?

He really is listen to what he eats for Being in cheese Lathered with two big ass eggs Fucking six Cheese patties Oh, look at that For being burritos. That's about five or a thousand calories right there and each sausage patties 150 calories You do the math

That's always the cadence of the cool black guy. Like the black guy that lives in colorado. Yeah Oh, yeah The black guy that lives in colorado You know what i'm talking about. He's into rock music and shit. I don't I know i'm getting this a little long He's also a gainer. So a lot of times he's talking about food. This guy's king, you know, so what do you mean a gainer? He likes to put weight on. Yeah Okay, can you watch him like eat a lot? I wish I was a gainer. It's funny. So you watch him now Here's the interesting part full charge is what we've been trying to get a hold of king ashtrapper for like a year

Yeah, and we had an aggressive mommy campaign That the mommies would email this guy and get on him to do it. We've even offered him money money. Yeah now Yeah, and he won't he won't respond because he put out he even he even publicly announced His email in one of these videos. Yeah, where you could donate like $9.99 and you could tell him that you want him to eat Oh my god, you're basically buying the food for ten dollars for ten bucks. I was like, how about a hundred bucks? Yeah, just to come and talk on our show. No, we'll feed you. Right. No response What's interesting tom says we emailed him. Here's the funny thing full charge You're aware of my husband's fart skills. Yeah and burping skills, right? You've heard him just now

Mimic king ashtrapper right pretty spot on right. Have you ever seen king ashtrapper and my husband in the same room? Never once Wow, and it's a mystery like mystery why king ashtrapper won't respond to our emails. That is weird. Yeah That's that's one hell of a dual life Like you got to be tom segura and king ashtrapper You guys kind of look alike He doesn't even have a stand-up career. He's just flying to different cities to be king ashtrapper four days to himself See

See you got you on a fucking six bean and cheese burritos And your farts are amazing damn His damn is one of my favorite when the documentary comes out Oh Jesus christ, man Oh, damn. He um, you only get one asshole motherfucker. Why are you treating it like that? You don't treat your asshole like that man. Have you ever heard the fart challenge from king ashtrapper? No, I haven't No way

Not right now But do you see the artistic similarities between tom's twitter like we went over the art that he puts up And tom's general demeanor habits voice. It's weird that we can't get an interview with this guy. Right. It's weird So, yeah, let's let's talk about something else. Um That's not me Sure king Ashtrapper It's just a theory i'm putting out there

It's good to be the king that's That's one fart. That's fucking amazing. That's like that's like when like whoever showed up with the first machine gun to a war It's like, oh fuck. Yeah, we're not we're You're the king. We're all second place. Yeah, you're napoleon. You're the king kudetak kudet fart And that is one continuous take that wasn't two farts mashed together. I know Let me you can hear I could tell there was like slight imperfections was let me know it was one take You had that You can hear the quality by the way, you had some big fucking farts this week. Yeah, thank you

And you were doing like playing Koi you're like, oh, I'm so embarrassed. Yeah, it's a fun game. Yeah, it's a new game We started where I just rip one and then I go. Oh my gosh. Did you hear that? Oh my gosh It's so ridiculous. Well, that is a funny game because like you do the biggest part you can And then you act like it's the first time you ever farted in front of you That's why it's great I'm so embarrassed You didn't hear that did you?

That's a good fun do that in front of your husbands if you're listening ladies you farted So much in public this weekend. I did where what what took a what took a hold of you though for real What happens? Well Well, we were we were having dinner at a place and then I there were three ladies We were just walking past and then I just let one rip. That was outside. That was outside. That's fine. It was outside of a restaurant Three women are waiting for a car to pull up. Yeah. Yeah As we walk past them We walk right past them. We're five feet from them. No, Christina. Oh my gosh

Farts, yeah, and and like it's so loud I see their heads turn and you also did it walking towards the restaurant. Remember and the people in the park meant All turned around Yeah, that's another funny thing to like I laughed pretty hard But it's also like a new leap for you to just be thank you all in with thank you You know what's neat? I really appreciate that you took notice You know, it's like when the master gives the apprentice right kind of a shout out like I feel like I don't know. I'm just overcome with emotion. Thank you. You no longer need my help young grasshopper. Thank you. Thank you

Tom's never turn heads. No, but the best part is if you fart with your husband is that they all assume it's yeah I don't get the blame Yeah, it's not my problem you deal with it everybody looked at me of course of course Yeah, because she lets out monster farts. Yeah, they're not baby. Thank you. Oh, you're so sweet In the restaurant. No, no, no, no not in the restaurant. You guys ain't there yet Tom burped Loud loud in the restaurant. You guys are gonna be a trip in the old folks home I can't because you're already there. You know, right not giving a fuck. Do you fart in public?

Yeah, I do outside if no one's around It's so it's so embarrassing to learn that the hard way though like it Working in the office is the only time It's really not okay to fart because people can just come to you and you're stationary And then you kind of got to tell you kind of got to tell them. Hey, I know we don't know each other that well But uh fart it so fucking stand back. What do you need from it? Have you said that before? No, but I've like I felt like this is a time. I got to do it Yeah, that's true. You couldn't just blow ass in your cubicle because then someone walks fucking right up to you the minute you do it

I did it one time this guy was working the front desk in washington dc I walked out and then had to walk back in and ask directions and it was really early in the morning So no one else was around and I was like, yo, how do you get to the airport? And it was like, holy fuck It was just like it filled up the whole window He did it. He was a big big big man And he and he's no king Right, but he's royalty. All right. Yeah, that's I was like, you know what never mind man. He knew he was like Yeah, we both know we were just like, let's just forget it like it's too early for it to even be funny

We were just like, all right Fair is fair. I'm out You win that battle, sir, but I'm coming back And I'm eating 60 You gotta work on it. Let's see. It's almost there though, man Well, you know it started out live. You got to exaggerate it. So yeah, yeah Tom's making a famous and then all exaggerated as a character. He's on point You got it. He's on point. Um, Matt, do you know Shane Lee? Uh, he's uh, what does he do for a living?

So far everyone's really talented. Well, Shane Shane is a vocal coach. Oh, yeah, I know this guy So he hits the notes, but it So far He's going through all the octaves right now all five Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh It's good, right pretty pretty good It's good Oh I think I heard this one already Wow So he's flat, right?

I mean, what's the deal? Is he just doing it wrong? Like some of those notes are right. Well, right. I don't know I don't hear anything wrong. I saw I don't know. I don't know what he's talking about. I hear perfection Well, the thing is is that uh, Shane's a vocal coach right and a mimic teaches Yeah, he can just hear something and then he can just do it exactly How he heard it. Oh, okay. So maybe it's that he he had just heard That or like his piano is out of tune. That could be yeah, it's not matching it up. Yeah, it's definitely not him Um, I feel like he does a decent job Um, yeah, I think it's a perfect job. I don't well. He's saying okay. He's saying maybe maybe I'm wrong

This is him. He's saying how are you this fun? He's saying for us He made a video just for us. Okay. Um, Tom and Christina from your mom's house podcast Contact me this afternoon They want me to teach you how to sing this song by Evelyn's champagne team It's called love come down. It's a great song. Okay Please hold me tight Because I can't help the way that I feel do you recognize the song? Now now play the guy now play the vocal coach

You took my hand The danger's inside It's identical So I can't have the way that I feel. I just can't have the way that I feel Okay, so you get the idea I get the idea and it's it's sad because he's just a talented. It's a real singer, but it's kind of like Uh, they got there first, you know, but maybe vegas. Maybe he can do like a tribute in vegas. He might I mean I think he gets the most like He gets the most reward out of teaching right so he does this basically to teach

So someone just sent us that I didn't realize this He did The cop rock song that we played. What? Yeah, we did you know about I remember the tv show cop rock Did it blow your mind then because I don't remember it It was it was like I was just a kid, but I remember adults losing their shit Like this cannot happen. This is fucked up like everyone fucked up even remember how minimal tv guides were back then I had a local newspaper tv guide and even that was like fuck this show But it was like featured and there was like cops singing

I never saw it, but it was a big to do and it was goes down as a huge failure. I think Or a huge or a huge what the fuck? Yeah, and it was done by the guy that created hell street blues and a series of really Oh my god Like really serious number 29 3 p.m. Hey, boy. Yeah, you got yet breath male cock six three Tattoos That's a big guy He's wanted by everybody. Hey

Let's be careful out there Let's be careful out there It's like hill street blues with the blues It's insane. Holy fucking christ. I know and this air. It's funny like I know I've known about it since the 80s and I finally just saw it and that's fucking bonkers, dude Do you think you're bonkers? Oh Do you think we could get copies of the old episodes can we order it from somewhere like amazon?

Yeah, maybe go through management. Just be like, hey, we need to get this. I bet they could someone could get it for us We need to watch every episode guys Moving on It's so crazy we got to get prints of this And just rent out the silent movie theater And fucking just clean up. That's right in jokes. Yeah, right Let's just play cop rock and have everybody come and market. It would be amazing. It's a great idea $10 ahead popcorn's like five bucks. We'll fucking clean up. That's a great idea

There's one eight seven on an undercover cop That was good. You can see Have you been have you been taking lessons from shame? Have you never seen me and him in the same room? Wow um Well, shame. Wow, shame did the song. You're kidding. What's the name shame shame? Oh shame. Okay, my bad S.A. jay. It's me shame lee um, I got a request from John Chamberlain. He wants me to do a birthday dedication to marcus

And to sing the song let's be careful out there from cop rock Is this now um, I can't believe he's gonna tackle this one. This is from a tv show and I'm not sure about um How it goes to see a tv theme song But this song was made popular on the jug cop rock And I want to teach you how to sing it in unison with the original singer Who is Is that a bird sounds like it's not like a sneaker on like basketball

His nerves might be kicking in I think you know no shame I don't see jobs in the song. You know, it's like did marvin get nervous sing singer of the song and Yeah, anyway Anyway, here we go. I'm eating a beam burrito. Hey Hey Let's be careful out there

We had a one eight seven at seven eleven on the corner of a false domain Two Caucasians up the male persuasions put a bullet through a precious brain No Half a dozen of those 13s with abuse of ETAs So it's a glorious crash Homicide awesome robbery rape Everybody gets their share

I think he just I think homicide Robbery rape. Is that what he's singing? I think well, I think what happened is that he's not familiar with this song Yeah, so it's just it's it's going into his ears for the first time So that's why he's just kind of yeah, you know, I think Shane and I you know, I don't mean to This is just like a kind of a positive note for him. Yeah, maybe to kind of if he could The final product be looped in with music, you know, oh, it would be so nice Yeah, just so we can kind of hear I can't say something because I'm not as talented as he is musically. I can't I don't know where you know

You want to hear the music? Yeah, I wish there was a track we could I've never seen so stay awake. Let's be careful Well, you can't have everything Christina, you know, I know I that's what I'm saying It's like I feel like it's a lot to ask. I know he's an artist. I shouldn't even so when he's saying for us By the way, which we gave you a little bit. That's you know, love come down. Yeah Oh He threw in a wipe down right there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right. Um, and So obviously we played that on the show, right and the listeners went

Crazy, I'm sure because he dedicated it to the show, right and there's a lot of comments Can I please read my favorite one? Sure. This one's a great It says wow, I didn't believe people when they were saying that there was a male equivalent singer of Evelyn Champagne King But boy was I wrong. Thank you. Shane. Keep those jeans high and tight Your next song should be city connection by Emmanuel Lewis. Oh, and Shane was kind enough to write back. Well, Mario The only problem is I think he uses Japanese and English and I can't quite understand what he is saying. So sorry That's sweet. That is sweet. Yeah Yeah

Do you want to read? Yeah, you're a beautiful man with a voice to match Keep belong people better themselves. I think he says keep helping people be better better themselves through the magic of music Love the videos and the songs. You're great jeans Yeah, oh Here's a neat testimonial. I like that. He says my mommies are huge fans and I can see why keep the lessons coming Yeah, I like this one too I recorded myself singing this song before and after watching your video and I can hear a real difference I put into practice my seeing and belief that I can sing like Evelyn like you did and wow

That's true. Yeah, good This performance was super high and tight and on fleek. You're really holding it down pop for life You know what I'm saying if you don't want to talk about This is so fun. You're bringing joy to humanity with your music talent. Keep teaching them, Shane. Your music game is on fleek Yeah Your pitch is on fleek jeans are high and tight. I really like that You perform that song like your mama was in the fucking stands Good job jeans incredible. This one's one of my faves too. I might need a sweater for my spine

This sent chills down my back You're doing excellent work So guys, please keep encouraging Shane Lee. Let him know that you love his work Yeah, positive messages only please. Will you guys explain uh fleek to an old man? Well, the kids this day has come where full charge is now the student. Yeah The um, the kids are really into it. Um, it just it just means on point. Yeah It's basically on point. But like your eyebrows. Do you know where it comes from? Yeah eyebrows on fleek Do you say that your eyebrows are on fleek? They're done, right?

Oh, okay, brows are tight. It's actually they're like, uh, blue book standard. They're like textbooks. Yeah. Yep. Yeah Yeah Damn right booboo Guess who finally caught up with your trifling ass your dead beat bitch child support They came holler at you. That means every month. I'ma get paid, bitch Your eyebrows ain't gonna be on fleek. No goddamn mouth Oh, that answers every question I had. There you go. There you go. Yeah It's like once all everything's in order like now I'm getting the child support now my eyebrows are tight

Shits on fleek. Well, you can't she won't pay to have them done. No more. Oh, okay. Okay. Um, we also got this other man read this email Sure from melissa. This is an interesting one. What's it about? She writes, uh, so this is kind embarrassing. lol my stupid ass got in some trouble and got arrested in february Okay She goes I was looking at a couple years and one of the first thoughts to panic run through my head was omg, I'll never get to listen to the mommies again I was like, wow, my life's priorities are really in line here. lol now. I'm op out on parole I told myself if I beat this shit, I gotta let them know that they are one of my biggest concerns. lol

I love you guys been writing high and tight since the days of red band. You kept me laughing through some pretty tough times Thank you so much And I just to clarify wrote back to melissa and she did get off so she is not going to prison So melissa, don't keep your ass out of jail. Please. Yeah, it sucks when you have to pull the orange pants up high in time There's no denim in jail son Ain't no denim in jail No more jeans for you. That should be all scared straight. No denim in jail You go talk to people

There's no denim in jail, which would be really funny if they haven't heard of your podcast No more denim jeans. I love her first priority was us. That's that's how everybody Should feel who listens to our show We're the first priority if you're gonna give birth to a child make sure you've got our podcast downloaded before you go to the hospital We're going to prison the same thing. That is pretty cool though I I know she's telling the truth. That's one of the first things she thought of. Oh for sure Yeah, that's pretty cool. You know, she was worried about it. Yeah, man She didn't want to she didn't want to go through life without her jeans on. I don't blame her either. Do I?

Um It's more important than a tv show. It's like so interactive and everything kind of is, you know I feel that way about lots of stuff too Like I couldn't live without certain books Like my nook and stuff like that. Really? Yeah, I couldn't I couldn't live without my nook if I had to go to prison. I'm like, oh shit, man Why don't they let you take stuff out of the library? They let you check books out The library they wheel the cart with books around and they go you want to read some that's always

That's always in the library though, right? I thought that in some places they they didn't do that on scare straight and you ain't gonna be able to read shit Your favorite book's gonna be at home You like reading We got lots of books. You're gonna be able to do your homework. I'm all in jail as shit and man. I'm like man, I'm No That's the best you know

You know what I'm saying What would you miss the most if you went to prison because I don't think they let you bring anything um my anal virginity and Privacy Your privacy privacy is gone. Yeah, ain't got no privacy. I ain't got no more privacy here Damn, you know hang out with people. You don't really like that much It's worse than working in an office. Oh, yeah

That's for sure is a true statement, bro Damn, that's by far the worst. Hey, um, I know you've you've I've heard you on stage talk about Some things in your fridge before yeah things that look like things. Yeah, you ever had a hidden smell you ever tried to You ever had to like I have had hidden smells before not in the refrigerator But like around an apartment and I've I never found it never. No, this is at my old apartment That I had bro. We we had one Oh, my so what happened was We're in town

Something smells kind of funky I'm not not even really yet, but then we leave town really time for like a week and we come back and we're like A week bro, yeah So we open and there's you know, there's some things that have like tin foil and stuff on them I'm sure like just toss everything out right toss everything out So now it's only like, you know closed Bottles or whatever In the refrigerator, so there's nothing really anything else

You know, we're like, oh man, that really stinks like it's some baking powder We buy the baking soda or yeah the baking soda stuff that's just supposed to make your right kill the smells Throw out all the trash And then every time we open the fridge like fuck it still smells You would open the fridge and I'd be sitting in the living room and be like, did you just open the fridge? Fucking sticks dude a couple more days go by The cleaning lady came by I was like, are you cleaning the fridge and she was like, yeah, we came back and she didn't clean the fridge I think she was like this smells so bad. It's uncleanable. Yeah. Yeah. God damn it

We're trying to think I'm like, you know, how could the smell still be in there now that a couple days have passed And we look in the freezer to see if something from the freezer had passed into the fridge There's nothing there. No, they were like, dude, we just have to like we have to throw out bottles like there's something is It's like infected. It's not on the fridge. Yeah, it's totally not on fleek and party fleek part of your brain is just kind of like What? It's only smells. It's okay. It's only smells But it's more than smells. It's it's affecting us

Well, because we came home and then we were in the bedroom more like dude, the smell's in here now Yeah, and it's time to take action. We cleared out the fridge and in one of the drawers hidden under it wasn't in the very back Still wrapped in package just like it was bought fresh Was salmon Shit Oh my god, that's a special kind of stick. It was kicking bro. Like it was so So kicking and it's like what happened was we put it in Instead of in the one of the little drawers we put it in the long the meat drawer

Yeah, but it's like the mean cheese thinner and longer So it goes back and it's slid to the back. So when you open that drawer, you don't see it. Yeah Dude, because I clean that shit out. I clean that whole drawer out and then I was like Maybe I just remaged my little paw back there and that's when I found that this is probably more appropriate on that It's deep, bro, but imagine this poor fish's life I know it gets caught It gets packaged cut up dot and then it just sits in a fridge and it's just it's hated even in its death It's true. It's just thrown in the trash that fish right now is just like you guys suck

I gave up my life to just to just be smells to just be smells you think I'm just smells My boy tim just started renting a house in Los Feliz And he found out after he moved in of course and signed the lease and everything that there's skunks living under the house I had that in Silver Lake once. Yeah, they mate especially in the spring time They go under your house and they fuck and they spray it like four in the morning. It is bad So he hired like skunks catcher to the stars and everything like the website's like him and with like Frank's a little Like Sylvester Stallone and shit and kid with girl whatever that kid's name is and uh, the thing is they keep catching skunks But there's still always skunks in there. Of course once they start rooting in there or whatever. Yeah

That's brutal. Hey, what was that? What was that story about a location? Uh, someone was working at There was a house somebody was working at and and the guy that owned the house goes You can shoot everywhere in this home, but you can't go in my bathroom Just don't go in my bathroom and they're like, all right, whatever dude. It turns out the guy Didn't flush like he liked to keep it keep whatever's in there. It's like a personal trophy And somebody went into the bathroom to open it, right? Do you remember this story? Well? I remember sickler worked in a hotel

When he got to la and there was a lady that would he worked at like a nice hotel He was actually the concierge was he really was I stole that name from and he uh He said that there was a lady that would come in who looked homeless But she would rent like a like a $600 a night room Stay for a week and would shit and never flush the shit So they would pile up and then and because she thought it would be like flushing part of her body away Oh good And so they would they said they would have like masks on

And they and they would just be a mount the shit would come above the seat. Oh, yeah. Yeah And she would yeah, that's how she would do it. That's a thing people like to hold on to it. Yeah, it's you Me no, I'm saying it's you. Oh, it's a party. Yeah, really. Yeah No, you just borrowing that shit It's pretty it's pretty horrendous. I believe the location thing I can imagine though that when you first walked in you're like, what the fuck is that smell in this house? Just don't go in that room. Don't go in that room. Yeah Get it together, right?

Tighten up world for real. There's a lot of better hobbies out there. Really are There's so many options There's so many Yeah, did I tell the story about my dad and the dead possum in the attic on the show? I don't remember Did I tell you the story? Yes, did I say it on the show? I don't remember but I'll tell it anyway. So my father this is in the 90s They uh, they don't have oh, no, I remember we told we told us to your feature act when we were eating dinner So anyway, we live in a house. They don't have attics in california. They have like crawl spacey type areas

And so in the bathroom, there's like a square cut out in the ceiling that you can kind of pop up And then it has access to that attic Well, a possum went up there and just died And it was like the middle of summer and the whole house just reeked of dead animal And um, and I remember being like dad, are we gonna like why don't you call animal services? We're gonna hire somebody to clean this up and he's like no, don't worry about it And I I come back like you know, I'll go to the bathroom later and I see that he had glued shut

The the square the the ceiling thing that you could pop through you mean the oven My dad rather than have animal services come and spend a hundred dollars Like glued it shut so that the smells Kind of came through but not as bad It's only smells. Okay. It's only smells Yeah, so we had to wait the whole summer for this animal to rot and decay and it believe me. It stunk the whole summer That smell never goes away, right? That's it. It does. It took about three months. That's decomposition And it was in the it was in the san fernando valley in the summertime dude in the west valley

We lived in west hills that was hot as shit. That's horrific. It was disgusting. I want to laugh. I'm gonna cry Oh, it's the worst. It's really bad. It's such an animal. My dad's such a savage You think he would just sprung the hundred bucks to fucking get it done, right? Oh, hey, um, god, master, you know, uh Rich boss and bonnie mcfarland. I've met them before yeah So they did an episode of their podcast Um, what's it called? I think it's called your aunt's house. Is it called your aunt's house? Yeah Your aunt's house, right? I don't know your dad's house. Did they do a spoof episode? No, they did An episode telling us to cease and desist our lives

Because we've we've copied their lives. Oh, Jesus Christ They misspelled my name In the title so rude k-r-i-s-t. So rude. Oh, it's the first letter It's called my my wife hates me. Yeah hilarious. I think I get it Um, so he's the they're the first people to come up with this uh, this this whole marriage dynamic That's what they're saying. That's what they're saying that we completely copied their lives and that because bonnie is Canadian by so is christina. Oh, right. Canadian by birth american by the grace of god. There you go

And um, I didn't know she's canadian though. You guys ripped them off. Yeah. Yeah, we totally ripped her. She's real pretty too She's real cute. Yes. See here. Oh, you can see right here. Tom and christina What that's on their website. Yeah, they did a whole episode They did a whole episode that we are doing that leave you You sneak out with your lunch box like my lunch box. What are you talking about? You bag a little lunch and you Um, he sounds like the guy on uh, that the banged Amy Fisher. Yeah, you like the Tom's a tom cigar. I bet they're like, hey, how are you? And then they have like a joke about it

And then and then she probably has a list of things to talk about. He's like, let's get to the um Ted Cruz Is running for president. No, so they didn't listen to you guys, but they still hate you guys. Yeah, well fuck No, they they did, uh, it's actually it was sweet. I oh really. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, it was okay. They um They they were very jokey very slow. Oh, okay. I get it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a little slow sometimes Oh, no, no, no, no. They were they were totally cool. Um, But uh, first of all They're they're wonderful. Bonnie thinks we've been podcasting since 2014. Wow. Wow, Bonnie

Wow, whoa You guys are what 2012 10? Hello, 2010. No 2000. I don't look just as dumb as Bonnie. We started this podcast. Oh, that's right. Yeah in 1992 Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, 92 is when we started it. I'm saying we started uploading them Oh, right. The back catalog goes back to 92. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um so Uh, the other thing oh, they they want to challenge us to tennis match. She don't know They she doesn't know

She don't know they fucked up on a couple places. First of all They don't know that you were on the tennis team, right? And I kicked ass in high school guys I didn't do much except smoke scowl and play tennis. They don't know that I'm a child of privilege And we had tennis courts at my house, right? We had tennis courts in the back yard Right. I mean I grew up playing tennis for me. It's like it's like walking the dog Yo, you've been going to like yacht clubs your whole life dog All I got to say about the tennis challenge time and place, mother fucker We're running out of place. You guys got to meet in the middle of the country name that shit

When and where we'll be there. Um, that's what's up That's funny. They're going for podcast beef podcast beef is what they're all about podcast beef is funny Wait, when did we start seriously? I'm trying to remember. Yeah, and then so wait, did they start before us for real? I don't know 2010 is when we started. That makes sense. Um, I remember hearing Bonnie McFarland on Howard Stern When she was on last comic standing and I was like, oh my god Like I was just an open micker and I remember hearing her being like that's like a real comedian When you're talking to Howard Stern, oh my god, I was so like I was so blown away

Rich goes, uh, he he said that he knows who I am and he goes and he definitely knows who I am I'm rich boss That was the funniest thing of the whole thing Um, and rich, you know, he uh, I want to say this he just shot a special This past weekend, uh, I think in jersey and Bonnie directed it. Oh, cool And she's got the documentary on Netflix women aren't funny too. So definitely check them out You know, I mean you guys definitely open the doors. I'll give it to you guys Yeah, uh, rich and bonnie, you know, you're an older generation

And you you kind of you know, you you laid the groundwork and you guys older She's not much older than me. Oh, they're both way older than me So Okay, he's right. I I'm just talking I've been speaking from my perspective. I mean you're way older than me too Okay, all right grandpa And then the only other thing I got to talk to rich about is He was trying to say that like you and bonnie are both, you know, equally very attractive But that he's more handsome than me. Oh, I take I take real to that. Wow. Here's what I'll give you rich

Like body wise you're fucking you're diesel dude He does like 500 push-ups a day. What he is, you know, yeah, he's totally I think they're both they both have better bodies than us. I think bodies But I'm what I say for me and rich the big thing the difference is kind of above the neck, you know, I'm saying so like Body wise. Yeah, dude, you're killing it above the neck modeling above the neck I think I think rich. I think a rich especially rock dueling earrings like sin bad

I'm not mistaken. So he might have some more fashion sense on you. Yeah. Yeah, I mean you got to look a lot It's a real specific look. Okay Um, yeah, but rich definitely. Let's um, let's do some modeling too right after the tennis match. Wow I'm down. I'm ready for oh bro. This is like coke and Pepsi. You guys can just oh, I guess they never joined for us It's never mind bad example Well, I think bonnie is on how to be a grown-up too. She is she's a new castmate of ours. Yeah And guess what? We're the other couple guys. We're the other couple Okay

They're like she said I try to get rich on but they have another couple. Oh, I wonder who it could be You're fucking right. You know who it is now. Wow Yeah, yeah, let's sweet it them. Yeah, even think of us. I feel very honored And you're right. We very flattered. We do have a show That was so hard. I couldn't tell if we're gonna start shitting on them. No, no praising them. It's okay, matt No, we like them. No, I like I like that. You're you're natural inclination. I'm like, what are we going with this? Yeah, no, I love it. You're a sweet man. That's why you're on our team, you know You're a fucking team mommy all the way. He was he he got very protective of his friends. Yeah, and jeans up midpoint show break. Here we go

Oh Is that the king? No, that's tom No Top dog. Who is this? That was that's just our our mid show break. Oh, okay. Uh, it's just uh The sting that's half time. I think matthew baird. It's a half time show. Is that matt baird or matt w Can't wait till we evolve to the level of uh idiocracy and that is a half time show We're trying to usher that into being matt

And you know one other thing I should say that um I learned listening to To bonnie and rich is that rich apparently not a fan Of brown talk. What what are they talking about then? I don't know man. What is there to discuss? If you're not talking about brown brings my attention probably one of the biggest stories Going today in america Wipe gates Oh my god

All right, this is still an issue before we get into wipe gate huge issue May I please encourage our listeners to use our amazon banner? Of course Uh guys when you do your amazon shopping Please use our banner on your mom's house podcast. I just click on the banner shops You normally would have kicked back a few dimes And now we can continue with wipe gate I I thought we settled wipe gate yana 100% not settled. It's a that listen web md

Tells you you can rinse off in the shower or on a bidet instead of wiping yourself with toilet paper Web md itself recommends this. I don't understand what the what the problem is anymore. Hello there mummies My boyfriend and I spend many hours traveling and we always listen to your podcast to make things go faster Some of your recent topics have sparked quite the debate between myself and my boyfriend specifically wipe gate 2k 15 Well, Christina was talking about her processes of cleaning up her brown I found myself nodding in approval and in my surprise I looked over to see my boyfriend's face Construed in a mortified manner. I have experienced a horrible reality that is hemorrhoids and wiping only made matters worse

So the brown to shower method became my salvation I also utilized the bend over and spread method But what helps is that my shower head has a hose attachment for easy cleaning in recent days My boyfriend and myself are considering upgrading our toilets to include bidets because my boyfriend says they are classy And it just makes fiscal sense Tom I highly encourage you to try it Christina. My main mommy. Thank you for your not giving a fuck attitude You're welcome listener. I don't give a wipe I don't give a wipe down good for you and i'm glad to hear that that helps your hemorrhoids

I myself do not have hemorrhoids But uh the cleanup is it's easier for me. I think we're all gonna look back and view wiping as barbaric You're wiping you're wiping your ass with wood now. Keep in mind. You're talking you're talking to a wiper Who wishes he was a washer? I don't feel like getting in the shower every time Now you're not gonna go but you're not gonna go even if you were getting in the shower Yeah, would you go no wipe before the shower at least a wipe and then the shower? Well, I've I've done the no wipe I mean keep in mind. I live alone. So it's not really an issue anything at all But I've ran out of toilet paper before jumped in the shower. Kaboom. Just as happy. Thank you. I would say even happier

Thank you, but he also kind of qualified that with i'm kind of a savage I live alone. No, it's not gonna bop. You see how he led with that. Yeah. Yeah, but you know, I've been keeping up with this controversy and You know standing Standing somewhere where shit used to be is just so minor in a marriage Thank you. I think thank you matt and I also think guys I'm talking more about your listeners now than you tommy, but I think a lot of these guys bitching about um Tom situation in this event. It's like these are the same guys that like want to watch anal sex videos and want anal sex from their lives

And then they're scared to sit or stand somewhere where ghost shit is on their feet Right ghost being the operative. It's it goes down And what about other body fluids of yours that I may have to tolerate? Well, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about a marriage Yeah, the fluid like you're not gonna catch anything from anybody. Yeah, it's like it's uh What about if you pull in your putt in the shower and then I got a deal with that? Not that I've seen that but I'm sure it's happened. Well, everyone likes calm christina. Come on I mean, here's a guy a guy on your side. That's not a real argument. Here's the news He says I go directly into the shower and use a delta hand shower after my morning browns

I set the head on the massage setting and use it Pulse of water to get my honey hole as clean as a whistle The handheld nozzle really lets you get in there and wash away any residue The lightly tinted brown water rinses away very quickly and it's reassuring to see water on the white tiles Because that means I'm ready for a full day with a clean comfortable asshole My wife doesn't even know I do it and our shower is always clean and odor-free I'm willing to bet some serious cash if you took a magnifying glass You see that every folding wrinkle is brown free. Yeah, this feels pretty good

When a jet pulsates and cleans your bunghole, I'm a big hairy he-man like mommy thomas My ass is so clean. You could eave off of it. Well, I used to use the hand shower To rinse my landing gear after a thorough washing I'm highly self-conscious about not having mud butter any odor and the delta hand shower has allowed me to wear my jeans High and tight with confidence. I could go commando and there would be no discoloring in my jeans Yeah But that's how I feel and also guys, I know you suggested the bidet But then I feel like that's counter productive and counterintuitive. I mean when I'm making brown

It's usually before my morning shower. Anyway, and secondly if you have a bidet in your toilet Doesn't don't you get your pants all wet because they're down by your here's the question Do you really trust a bidet and I think that's the problem because you can't everywhere you can't you can't You don't know what's going on. I don't know you just kind of got to feel around And and I mean water that you know, you're not gonna really want to feel around with your hand in the shower All bets are off. You stick your hand any way you want some other people are waiting on this I don't know if you've heard this this guy taking a dump and getting in the shower is completely natural That that seems to make sense and I think that uh tom's reaction is like, uh, it's way over the top

I don't think that it's a big deal and I think that tom needs to relax like think about it, dude Your wife looks like she could be a porn star Oh, wow, thanks, and she takes dumps and gets in the shower. That means she's sort of filthy you scored You know, you couldn't have done any better, dude And christina, I think that tom needs to relax a little bit And I think that maybe If you just started dumping in the shower in front of him take a shower with him and take a dump And then just start smashing the dump

Down the drain with your foot. Okay, it'll go away and tom will start relaxing think of the bathtub It's an extension of the toilet. It all goes the same place It's completely natural. Just start dumping in the shower Pull loosen up. He's a little he's a little a little uptight if you ask me He was making so much sense for a while Peter cane weighing in on white Peter cane weighing in there and another listener wrote in the same idea jake He said he started listening to the podcast a few weeks ago just in time for wipe gate As long as mommy christina is focused on maximizing the efficiency

Of her morning routine I thought she would breathe she would benefit by being being made aware of waffle stomping Waffle stomping is the process through which one makes brown in the shower Moves the brown over the drain and then stomps the brown to get down the through the drain Waffle stomping will eventually eliminate the use of the toilet for mommy christina's morning routine I love how it's disgusting and everyone's saying to do it. Yeah, of course, you know, that's a little too labor intensive for me Yeah Thanks, peter cane for weighing in on that. It was great. I like when he tells people to relax. Yeah, he sounds so tense

He also Dedicated a separate video to me You want to hear that? Of course. I'm so sorry to hear about your hemorrhoids, but they can get better. That's a heartbreaking situation My recommendation to you is like up your fiber Start taking either dextrin or any of those products that you can mix in water Just do a do a glass of that a day. Thank you, peter Eat more fiber that that'll help your dump

You know, if you just eat meat, would you look like the kind of guy that eats a lot of pork chops a lot of steak? bacon You'll be grunting one out and you'll rip a hem hemorrhoid So don't do that. Don't eat a lot of meat up your fiber And the other thing about hemorrhoids is that it's an inflammation And you can buy a product like preparation age At the at the pharmacy. I love the fucking birds flying around in the background. Yeah, what is he at a kitchen or something? It sounds like pots and pans are banging

That's just peter getting down. That's how he does That's how he rolls. I'm an artist. I'm not a fucking hoarder. Yeah And you can also take ibuprofen. Ibuprofen takes down inflammation Take a you know a couple motrin in the morning a coupled motrin in the evening and that roid will disappear Take you about a week So sorry to hear that you're the heartbreak of hemorrhoids That's I'm really sorry to hear that Tom sounds like it. Jeez Wow, peter really weighing in on the important issues in our show. Yeah, yeah

You ever thought you'd be getting so much health advice from around the nation from so many unqualified people I mean everything he said was smart, but yeah, no, I didn't think so But you just didn't you just don't see it. No, that's how it's gonna go. No, but you know, we're lucky that way Yeah So wow It's just it's more It's more it's more of the people Weighing in letting you know

Wipegains Wipegain 2k 15 2k 15 people sought me out about this like I was getting messages on twitter two weeks ago You're kidding. Like surely full charge needs to give his opinion on this Well, I know you I already did You're kind of on my side and I I agree with you. I think that's smart. Yeah, but I mean it's just by no means settled No, I feel like it is I don't okay. You know what it is I think that those of us that just go straight for to shower You know we're two percenters. Yeah, we're experiencing a lot of shaming right now

The shower shame. Yeah, and maybe through my courage and through Ari Shafir's courage of coming out The others will come forward too. We got to get a better spokesman than Ari You know, I mean he's a filthy animal. Yeah Really You want to be aligned with Ari be my guest Who else can be we need like a cute movie star like uh woman We need that we need a woman. We need someone who's known for being like dainty Yeah, and like like what's that? What's that british girl's name kira nightly or something? We need her or like

Megan fox. Yeah, she's a pig. Okay, we need She looks like she sucks. She looks like she'll lick a man's anus on the first date. That's what i'm saying I've been obsessed with this check out this video I showed you this tino Check out this guy this came in this came in. Hey, what's got it? What's wait? What's up guys? This is probably fresh here. Uh-huh. I know that I look like a douchebag because I got my shirt off But I just wanted to tell you I just wanted to tell you got something Okay

First off i'm going to make a bunch of videos talking about how you can get rich It's going to be like six-pack shortcuts, but it's not going to be like gay like that This is a christmas This is fucking amazing, dude. This is my first video. I'm here to tell you i'm going to make a bunch of videos. This is amazing Yeah, this is amazing. It's genuine. It's like that, but it's not going to be gay You're ripped, bro It's going to be like six-pack shortcuts, but it's not going to be like gay like that. It's going to be like It's going to be like

cooler It looks like six-pack shortcuts. He looks like a nice guy too. That's a weird part It's going to be like like cooler. What is that expectation? Bros, it could be a bro. It could be like uh, is that brodom? I think he's some kind of foreign Really? I think I don't think english is his first language. Oh, I think it is maybe Or he could be like hanging out with latino guys Like Like that, there might be an eastern european vibe too. I go to icdc college. I think he's american. All right

But it's not going to be any shortcuts and there's not going to I'm not going to be chinese What it's not going to be like gay So I want to do is first off. I want to flex for you guys That's gay. Wait, this is the best first So he holds his breath and he flexes really hard And you could tell that like his brain starts to short circuit and he's he's about to pass out from holding his breath Bros, I want you to do my brucey pose

And um, I also wanted to say uh I want to show you guys because I know there's all kinds of people that want to know. How can you get ripped? Get right here. Look at he's about to pass out. Hold on The whole thing is breath. He's threatening red. How can you get ripped? How can you be? How can you be like brucey? How can you how can you How can you be? How can you how can you get so much muscles? You know, I want you to make a bunch of videos. I don't How can you make so much muscles? This is not it's too good. It's too good, right? It's real. It's real

It feels real. I go to icdc college I can do college. I want to be the best Do massage or something? It's so funny. You want it to be a character. So you want him to be a genius But he's just a dough. Yeah, so you guys have to get all kinds of muscles because I figured out how to get I figured out how to be like brucey a little bit now all the way because I'm actually Still not like brucey, but I can't figure out how I can kind of get like brucey I'm going to make a bunch of videos This is please make a bunch of videos

The only thing That we can tell you is make a bunch of videos make a bunch of videos make your own tv channel How you could get ripped with muscles? Or like ripped but like almost ripped but not officially what he's saying But not gay but not chinese and not gay at all Like the most awesome guy, but not I haven't figured it out all the way But close video if you guys like this video then say we need a bunch more videos How can you how can you get like brucey?

How can you get uh, how can you get straight? How can you get like? Like floyd mayweather He was fighting He's doing it again. He's holding his breath He's totally holding his breath How can you get like floyd mayweather? Oh my god, he's punching Um

If you guys like this video if you guys want to know how you can get straight how can you rip? I can tell you all of the from labs are So just tell me get shredding. Yes. We want to know if you think this video is gay I don't want to make any more videos like this. Oh my god I If you think no more videos like this just say this video is gay But if you're thinking oh Where are the secrets?

Please write one of the secrets say where are the secrets? What are the secrets? He's so out of breath. Where are the secrets? He's trying to turn it off. Yeah, he doesn't turn it off He's still trying to turn it off and catch his breath. He's still trying to turn it off Where are the secrets? Oh, please everyone write one of the secrets because the instinct is the right. This is gay But please everyone out there, right? You're totally right because you just put it out there

It's like that thing if you put it out there like now I want to You want to say it's gay, but I want to see more this someone says what are the secrets more please more? Exactly and actually I'm seeing what are the secrets not gay. What are the secrets? We want more videos Wouldn't you love to actually see the push-ups and what he does and stuff? I know he can't just air fight make a video every day until you burst a blood vessel He he had like that that this is the most un-gay video Everyone's into this guy. That's great. Please make more. We need secrets

Do you think he deletes the bad ones? I don't I don't think so There's a couple of C. He does that thing like a three-year-old like, um, yeah, um, what's the word that? I'm thinking of and he's also the out-of-breath drinking water three-year-old thing. Yeah You could get muscles This is him. His name is foggy fresh foggy. Yeah, he's definitely foggy Let's see Let's see. Oh, yeah. Oh my god. Wow. Is that gay? Hey, what's got it?

It was the best. What's guys you think you would do a take two on that one. Fuck it There's obviously no editing equipment because the beginning this is what he wrote in his description This is the first video. I could show you how to be almost like bruce lee Yeah If you want me to show you if you think this video is stupid Then you can say this video is gay If you want to know all the secrets to be like almost like bruce lee Then you can say what are the secrets? I can't wait till my next comedy show and be like

I'm almost I'm gonna be almost like george carlin Fucking hang tight. What is everyone? That is like poetry. It's it's like a beautiful Natural happening. Well, is he gonna tell us the secrets or well, that's the latest video. We need another video. What's the date on that? February 28th. Oh dude get to work. Yeah Okay, wow. Yeah, come on bro. We're all hanging here. You're too busy shadow boxing. I'd like to come back all fat With his boyfriend, holy shit This dude's videos are pretty popular. Oh, he's got a lot. Well, he's got one that has 8 million views. Oh, can we see that please? Yeah, jeez

Flossy Oh, it might be uh, he's gonna go play basketball Or it might be a music or kill someone. It might this might be uh, this is like horror music, right? Maybe that's his rap. You got the jordan Is he a rapper? You Even And I like the concept of just you guys see the video too, it's like they're just talking about a shitty game and their neighbor

They're like the short white guy and that hoop is on six feet. It's like it's right there and it's all yeah It's like it's like your neighborhood with the two fucking hoops. It's like He was so bad with the command of his voice in his vocabulary a second ago. Yeah, and now he's got a full rap song How did he rap so different than Kevin? Just the regular white names crack me up too. Kevin drove through the flood Oh, man. Oh, man. I know what I'm doing all day Watching two videos over and over again froggy fresh it for sure froggy fresh froggy fresh. Yeah, what's the song? What's that song called dunked on?

Full charge loves this. Well, I feel like froggy though But do you feel like the the ripped video? That's genuine. It feels genuine I think it's genuine, but then I see this and I'm like, oh this guy's kind of smart Fuck I wanted it to be real. I know that's that's that's the problem with these but if it's fake He's amazing if it's a really good. I'll say he stayed if it's if it's Fake he stayed in character He was so deep in it that even to like like turning turning off the camera like He wrote it out like he completely sold into that character completely. Yeah, it's like now. I'm starting to see the light

I got dunked on this. It's amazing I got dunked on too. I mean we all did really. Yeah, that was amazing. We didn't even know we lost the game I know ridiculous man. That was really ridiculous Um, so I hope that that's real. I do too. Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? I love that he like stumbles guy. Hey, what's guys? Because it's hard to play nervous like that It is and really that's a really sell it. Yeah, that's Hey, what's got it was wait? What's up guys? It's for you fresh here

And the smile. Yeah, he has this genuine thing. I don't know man. I'm really either way. I'm either way. I'm impressed But I'm slightly disappointed if it's not real this this other one this other video it's Blair witch all over this has 5 million Damn, this one has 1.9 million. Oh, dude other songs. Yeah Yeah, I mean this dude This is fucking fresh, dude Money make a mic is on Same old All I know is rainy days all I know is change it's me and mac it doesn't matter

What our name is you can't take away our dreams and we got dreams of being famous I don't seem too many souls become a victim of the system Maybe he's got a little bit of wall burglars on me though. Yeah, that one's like that one's too real That is too real. You got these suburban night young kids around about how the life is all pain. Yeah Yeah One thing's for sure the tattoo is look I think the tattoo is real that yeah, that does got like a star of David Maybe he's canadian Maybe that's it. Maybe he's ripping off bonnie mcfarland. Oh

Because he talks like that like like a douchebag. Yeah, it could be take off hoser. Maybe he's from minnesota or from canada fresh Money maker mac Santa's Christmas just like an elf Remember I brought up christmas I'm like even the video I'm out of breath and shit Oh my god, obviously he's found his demographic

Full charge is crazy Hold that for you. I love that saying Um, that's like that's ecclesiasties. There's nothing new under the sun. It's just like a different way of saying that. Yeah. Yeah Um, so, you know, we're probably gonna get another dog soon here. Is that right? Oh, yeah, some company for uh, yeah for the young Fifinator You had a number of questions about Getting a puppy to go into that. So I looked this up for you To answer some of your puppy questions. Really? Yeah, hi

My name is catherine lord and I want to welcome you to the wonderful world of puppies in this video We're going to help you understand what's involved in having a litter by now. You should know your bitch is pregnant Sometimes a bitch will come earlier Sometimes a few days later milk aid helps aid the bitch. Watch your bitch. What is normal for your bitch? The delivery has begun The bitch is into heavy labor Comforting the bitch you want to reassure your bitch if your bitch lets out a scream We only usually allow the bitches to eat one or two of the afterbursts

Okay I always say call your vet when the bitch has had contractions for a long time The bitch should be examined to make sure that all the nipples Are okay. The bitch vomits. The bitch may be in difficult small Bitch the bitch the bitch in the bitch the bitch the bitch bitch bitch bitch is every bitch should be checked for brucellosis Why is it important that a bitch not be overweight overweight bitches an overweight bitch Fat bitch a bitch and you should exercise the bitch Approximately how long can a bitch go a lot depends on the bitch the bitch the bitch that bitch the bitch the bitch

The bitch is just very very nervous milk the bitch calm the bitch down and try To milk the bitch like a cow Oh my god, that's why you spent so long editing today. Oh my god, that was hilarious Wow knocking it out of the park today. Yeah, jeez. That was great. Yeah That's pretty good. Milk the bitch and calm the bitch down and fat bitches An overweight bitch Um a really cute girl with a really cute butt They need to combine forces. Yeah, they do froggy fresh. What's up, dog?

um Hey, another you know, we sometimes we try to guess what's going on in black talk and figure out what they're saying Yeah, so well first of all plies, you know, who's always on the show He's a regular he got body slammed offstage this weekend by a fan. I saw that I saw someone sent that in Who got body slam plies plies? What's he do? He's a rapper. Okay. Yeah It's another way. You're a philosopher Um, let's see someone walked up on stage and body slam. Yeah It sucks. I'm just waiting for the day for that to happen to me

I don't know right. Let's just walk on up there. Terrible. Who's gonna stop What's that would the average staff stop something like that from happening? Like It's uh It's in tallahassee He asked for it He did is a guy that was already thrown out and he was like bring him back right and then they bring him back I

Milked a bitch ton of it's down This is a show by the way, this is a show this is a live show Um, it just goes on and on bring him in. There you go. Where you at? There you go. There you go Where you at? He's right behind you man there's uh This is the guy here. Okay that did it and people saying it looked like chappell and the nutty professor Let me see That's the guy. Oh, yeah, that company plays that whack-out comic. Yeah, totally. Yeah

Hey, bro, hold on. This dude picks him up and throws him We can't let him kick you out, bro We can't let him kick you out, man. Yeah. Hey, bro. What's up, man? I Don't give a fuck about you touching my hand, bro. Call the phone Hey, bro, call the phone. Listen. No We too close me too little we can really close now But let's go

Throws him down He was trying to make nice with him, right? He picked him up and threw him off stage Oh But the rapper Goes hey get back in here. We're two. He was basically saying but then he was saying this is the game, right? We're trying to figure out what they were saying. No, no, this isn't it. I was just trying to I think he was trying to say We're we're we don't need to be like that. We can be cool. And then the guy slammed them. I think he was saying to the guy You're physically too close to me right now. Okay, because the guy was really up on him, right?

He's like we're a little too close to be Chilling right now, right? But basically the guy picked him up. Oh, he says we're two n words. Didn't he say that like that? Yeah Oh, I didn't catch any of that. Oh, well, that's not a video doesn't help. I was just talking to you We we usually do that game with plies because he has like crazy videos Okay, but then like a couple dozen people sent in this video and they were like, what the fuck is this guy saying? We don't care my man. We don't care. Do you have a mother fucker fire? Are you pussy or a nigga? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, man rimming man. I don't even sweat that fuck shit, baby Like I said, I bodied them hoes my nigga gonna continue to bother these hoes with the color come out

That ain't shit. You ain't seen your seven fit there. I ain't lying hitting this bitch This outrages the blue bitch respect the fly. Oh, you whore had a nigga watching a nigga I heard respect the flow I heard kumail You think he kumail nagiani is he referred to him or that is kumail. No, he was I like kumail nagiani I heard that. I think we can do it. It would just take a while. Yeah, I think we can work it out Can we slow it down now? Maybe that would that would be so Ain't gonna trip grinding this by the word because we're the fuck you want a nigga I'm gonna get this god damn money. I'm gonna continue

Get that money I'm constantly know that y'all can do about it, bitch. We live at five right here, nigga We're the Texas Florida Ray, God damn me, we're the Florida Ray We're playing them, we're setting them on stand where I'm going to Is he placing a bet? Pain, shall pain, baby, shall pain, my mother's pain, nigga I do this here. I do this shit for real, nigga. Are you pussy? It's the worst job in here ever. Fuck nigga, set your pussy ass down, nigga.

We'll set you down right here, bitch. Yeah, nigga live at motherfucker five I mean, I get it I get what he's doing. What part do you get? The whole thing He's basically saying I'm here to make some money and then we're gonna celebrate He's like there's your bunch of pussies out there and like you don't do how I do it I'm still I'm going after it every day. I'm getting money. I'm getting after my money I'm getting women And there's nothing you can do about it. Yeah, respect the flow

And after that happens, don't be surprised when I celebrate with some champagne Dude, I really didn't hear anything about it And I am in a lot of pain. You don't know what I've been through Right You just do that It was just like froggy fresh And he's in Fort Worth, but he's Florida raised So

All day every motherfucking day, man, look at that yellow man Time to talk to me Get the motherfucking yellow Get the motherfucking yellow, man What a nuisance What we do? That's what we do right here, man That's what we do, man

Get money How you pretty, yo Get money That's about the discipline. That's like the war of art. He's like, we do it every day Yeah, and we get every day And we get pretty ass Pretty ass Something pretty ass girls something

Money, money Money It's the only motherfucking thing Remy tell her fuck me the same Niko hits you like, yeah, he is good But it teach, he geek, bitch, I'm a steak geek whole head, no You lost me No, no

Steak geek, bitch, I'm a geek It's the motherfucking money Some of our black jeans have to write in like you do and tell us what's going on Our stank geek Stank geek Everyone got lost right there, right? He starts talking about women all of a sudden, doesn't he? I don't, well, I got it kind of like

And he's got damn squeeze and he's squeeze, I love him Squeeze He loves her Squeeze is her He squeezes her and he loves her No, he's talking about he loves these streets, but he's just saying he's squeeze Oh, okay I love these streets

I love these squeeze, most customs Most customs Move Yes Come get some wheels Come get some motherfucking wheels The wheels, custom wheels He doesn't like going through customs

Because the more I squeeze, the more it's customs, man He hates customs at the airport when he travels internationally Yes That's good Got them pussy ass niggas And then we gonna understand to have nigga You don't know what I've been through, fuckin nigga You don't know what I'm through

I get that I get that Frog refresh Black ball of the Rose Ballet South Florida, baby All you motherfucking face, nigga Pussy ass niggas You don't want to see me

Same nigga, tiny teeth grindin', fuck nigga Come on, nigga 17, 13, come see me, ho Come see me, ho Now you gotta be rockin' on Facebook, nigga Take this shit for real, nigga Better marry your motherfucking bitch, ho For real

Live at motherfucking 5, over and out Didn't he go against the internet trolls there for a second? This ain't no motherfucking Facebook Yeah, I think maybe, yeah Like, this is real You say something to me, you're gonna get it I like that See, the three of us can really work at this together

It's an interesting interpretation, man Yeah That's pretty good I didn't catch a lot of the loudest parts though He's definitely not happy Like, he's mad He loves the streets, though I like the idea that he calls them screets

Because you know when you love someone You always have, like, nicknames for them And pet names So it's like, do not street shimmy the screets to me And uh The screets He wants to get paid, he wants to stay paid Right

Can't blame him for that, either Can't just get paid You gotta stay paid in this world Yeah, that's true It's totally true Are you, um Yeah? Are you ready for it?

I got a little treat Oh, MG, I can't wait Here we go Hey, buddy It's Top Dog Oh, shit Hey, buddy It's Top Dog

Big episode today Yeah Hey, buddy It's Top Dog You need to wipe down It's Top Dog This episode, by the way, has been exceptionally brown Uh, yeah

And there's a lot, there's a lot of brown What else is new? Same shit, different toilet, right? 01:34:52,860 --> 01:34:54,620 You know what I'm saying? Same shit, different toilet It's always kind of brown in this house Well, there's the king of brown

About to come on right now I can't believe it I haven't had him in a while, guys Here's Top Dog Hey, Dad Hey, buddy, how you doing? Good Pop a little early to smarten what's going on?

A lot of nosy and I are breathing into the phone, as always Of course Shooting, um, how to be a grown-up Oh, oh, I love that show Yeah, so we're going to, uh, we're gonna go, we gotta go to the set here Sounds like Darth Vader Yeah, he's breathing hard Actually, what I do is, I love watching the two of you as I DVR it, then I just

Fast-forward to all your segments so that I'm done Oh, that's great So the Death Star is being pwned It says 30 seconds of entertainment That's good Well, it is, but you know, it's 30 seconds of entertainment But it lasts an eternity in my mind So that's, that's what dads do

That is such heavy breathing She really is a heavy breathing, yeah Is he winded? I don't understand that at all It's only, it's that phone It's for some reason, it's the office phone And it's where he, I think he actually likes hearing You know when you like tapping something and you tap over

Yeah Someone next to you is like, could you fucking stop doing that? I think he enjoys hearing his breath Dads liked those old school phones Dads are used to those phones He's at work too, right? Yeah, yeah, it's old school So it's another thing where like, I don't really want everybody to hear

Oh, maybe he's, yeah Oh, but his door is shut No, I don't know I don't know It's so weird I wanted to ask you, you said that, I think like a week or so ago You were pretty constipated I had the worst episode of constipation I ever had

And I played golf down in Jupiter and it was a hot day Even by our standards, you know, it was like 87 And I hadn't played much golf lately and Didn't really drink enough water and then I just didn't have enough liquids over the weekend and I went to take it up and it just, it was just It would not come out Just wouldn't come out

So finally I had to, you know, man up and Take my finger and go up in my rectum and just Kind of work it out with my finger What? And yeah, yeah Seriously? Seriously, oh, that was ugly Wait, so

And then you think, it's like marbles and little rocks It was as hard as a rock, it was the hardest Hardest jump I've ever had Wait a minute, so First of all, I'm so sorry And that's definitely a one, that's a solid one on the scale Oh, it's a solid one This was number one of the ones, okay

Right So you had to put your finger up your asshole Right, exactly And then what did you do with it? Like you just kind of felt it and I just kind of worked it around and tried to get a good To feel for, you know, kind of breaking up a little bit With my finger and then kind of just, you know, roll it out

Like you're picking your nose or something like that Oh, I got it Oh, shit Got it to come out, okay Oh my god, I think I'm going to be so sick I'm going to be sick Then I had to clean up my finger actually, you know And so, god, you know, it's amazing how dirty

Something like that can get Got all that He's an animal Unbelievable Yeah, so come on, bros Dude, my white gate situation is not as bad as this This is, this is crazier Keep listening

Oh, soap and a lot of hot water and finally Because I bet your finger looked pretty chocolatey after that Well, I kept, you know, I kept liking it as I was going up As I, you know, did it, so it wasn't But it was, you know, it was kind of chocolatey But, you know It isn't any different when you were a little kid And I changed your diapers

So, you know, I didn't, that kind of stuff really doesn't bother me Yeah, but honestly, it sounds scary It sounds kind of scary It was kind of scary because I've had little, you know, I've had Diabeticulitis and I have, I had a little little, Still have a little cramp in that area there It kind of bothers me a little bit You mean all the time or just since this happened?

Since this happened, yeah Well, have you gone, have you gone to get yourself checked out? You're worrying me now No, not yet I haven't gone to get myself checked out yet Because I kind of know myself If I think I need to go, I will But, you know, it's, it's, it's

And now I have to be really conscious about, I mean Really conscious about water intake and fiber Okay, you know, and, you know, a lot of this has to do with This happens when you have a change in seasons Because when the weather gets hotter, you perspire more You actually, you know, your water intake kind of gets into balance And when you, you start to perspire or it gets hot I think I'm 91 here the other day, believe it or not

Got to make sure you, you have a lot of liquids Okay, so, you're obviously, has it gotten better since this incident? Oh yeah, a lot better Yeah, I've been much more conscious about it too Yeah, much more conscious about my eating, yeah I need you to weigh in on something This has really, this has been like the biggest topic In our household and it's been a huge topic on our show

It's so much, we're about to get the official king of the dumps to weigh in Oh no, I can't believe this All other opinions are obsolete after this I can't believe, it's just like asking Oz about this or God himself Oh my God You want a basketball lesson? Let's see what Michael Jordan thinks Yeah, exactly, wow, all right, I'm excited

So much of a scandal that we've given it the name Wipegate Okay Okay, all right So you're doddering Christina Amen She just informed me that when she goes to take a shit She goes straight from the shit to the shower And she doesn't even do a wipe

It's just straight from like, it just takes her shitty ass right to the shower And she says that's how she likes to do it And I just want to know what your opinion is of that Well, you know, it depends whether you have a if you have a sloppy joe or not Because between walking, you know, you got to take your clothes off before you get it You could have some of that good, you know, you know, like, you know, blood droplets at a crime scene, you know And you could have, you know, instead of having, you know, you could have real evidence there No, no, she goes, she goes like, you know, it disrobes, takes a dump

And then she just goes right into the shower But my whole thing is that I think you should do at least a kind of a wipe to make, you know Yeah, I think I would do the two-step, you know, I would at least at least seem to have, you know, kind of preliminary kind of just Because it just makes it a lot easier, you know, to clean up in the shower And then you got all that done on the floor of the shower That's my point That's my point You know, and if you have, you know, you have, like, you know, in grown toenail or something, you could actually get infected that way

So I wouldn't do that. I I'd definitely do the the initial cleanup and then But I've done that before when I, you know, it's when I've had a real one of it Just you just kept wiping the wipe and I've gone into the shower But that's different because you did a bunch of wipes first Yeah, yeah. Oh, I would never never do that. I mean, I just I feel like I feel like the Supreme Court just weighed in on this Well, you know, I I do feel like I'm kind of

The authority on all this We do too And I gotta tell you, I feel like she's making me shower in her bidet is basically what's happening Oh, yeah, well, that's Women women think that we're You know, we're all animals anyway, okay, so They think that whatever they do We always do something worse. That's just the way they're programmed. Yeah. Yeah

You know, I mean, that's just the way it works. So I like the sound of the phone as it rings in the back But I I've never done that. I've never I've always been You know, clean up and then I go into shower. Thank you case closed I could That I could rule on this and uh You know, it's always nice to be his um, I love Christina, but you know, we we gotta gotta play by the rules here Oh my god, I can't believe this. I cannot believe this

I can't I can't believe the official word one wipe and then the shower Yes, like an easy to wipe right at least the wife the case is now closed Supreme court rule is now part of yana us law. Yana Here's the thing But when it's a real I don't if it is like a Batastrophe like a slopper I do give wipes But when I know that it's a clean sweep, then there's no point But you know what guys here's what I will do tom. Yeah, you have my word from now on

I will give a preliminary wipe down Before I go in the shower because that is that fair. Yeah, that's fair. Just a quick parameter check It's fair or you could repeal the case saying the judge stuck his finger up his own asshole And fished out shits that weren't ready to come out interesting Interesting matt. Just just wait 12 hours, man. What the fuck? I don't know. I think this was pretty this must have been pretty intense He said he's hurt. He hurts now. He's in pain. He said he he had to go But it was so hard. He was so constipated. Yeah, it wasn't coming. Yeah, it actually scared me for what he was describing

Yeah, well, I've heard people doing that like reaching it. It's personally not my way of doing it. Yeah It's brutal. You know what it all comes down to? Dads don't drink water. Dads never drink water. I mean yours doesn't right? My dad doesn't yes, my dad drinks fresca and beer And like if I'm with my parents both of them like my mother if you give her water Are you like she's like I'm thirsty and you give her a big glass of water. Yeah, it touches her lips and she goes like You got to drink it and she's like well drinking water makes me feel nauseous She said I'm like, what? Oh, it's it's the it's the it's the key to life. Yeah drink water

Dude this generation they're a generation. They're such savages. They are my dad eats sausage. No vegetables And then drinks fresca and beer and like I don't and soda water I've seen my dad drink club soda, but not water. Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen my dad take a sip of water Now that thing club soda is like water without the water. It's sodium. Yeah, it's crazy. It's totally. Yeah, dad's never drink water Yeah, um, I don't think my mom did either. I think it's just that generation Unbelievable. Look this thursday matt the full charge full shrine is going to be at the fort lauderdale improv the seminal Hard rock casino. Did I say that right? You're saying that all wrong the semen hole You want to do that the hard cock semen hole and come seno and come seno. Okay

Um, and then you can see matt also in milwaukee at the miramar theater miramar theater april 25th April 25th. Yeah That's it. We're in april. He's right. Okay. Yeah, and then april 26 chicago illinois at the uh at hi-hat and then the week after you and I are in denver Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's gonna be a good time. We're in denver at comedy works and then we're in uh salt lake city for real So that's full charge everywhere. That's florida. Yeah, milwaukee chicago Denver salt lake um the fart charge Oh

Shit So I have a would you rather for you guys all right and um tom and I were eating at a diner yesterday And we were talking about what's the worst food you could possibly eat And basically it boils down to two locations. Okay, so would you rather you have for an entire month? I'm sober You're sober, bro. Yeah, you got to eat breakfast lunch and dinner at either taco bell. Okay Which is brutal brutal. It just makes you sick breakfast is fine. This is supersize me style, right?

This is like the documentary every meal 30 30 days either taco bell or white castle I would have to take taco bell white castle Very bad. I have only you know white castle once and I wanted to love it. I love the beastie boys and everything But uh, you want to talk about fart I could not stop farting. I felt sick and I was drunk too. You can eat anything when you're drunk Yeah, it's like super power. So I was drunk and I still didn't like it. So I'm gonna give it up to taco bell

Uh, I'm gonna get my six bean burritos. It's gonna start my own porn site Taco bell. I don't like it. That's gonna. I don't like it. I just like it more Are you processing know what a crazy month? That's gonna be it's gonna be horrible. Yeah, and at my age I could probably fucking die off of that What about Oh, you totally can't what's even at white castle just those little shitty burgers, right burgers and fries. I thought that's it Yeah, no, definitely taco bell Because

I'd be walking in there by day 15 be like just give me all the tomatoes Well, that's what I'm thinking is that you could just do the veggies like you could eventually just isolate lettuce Tomato taco bell has vegetarian options. Yeah, that's that's actually what's gonna keep you alive Because I'm thinking about this and my initial reaction is white castle just because taco bell is so fucking right bad So narrow, but I think if you were to like The the thing is the game has to you have to have beef like once a day So you gotta You gotta have beef like you have to yeah because white castles like all burgers. That's why castle has so

You you still gotta work those meat that meet in the taco bell meals once a day So it's gotta be rough. You can go chicken at taco bell too. They probably have some They have like a breakfast wrap thing now So you'd be all right kind of after that and you could maybe do Maybe have your meat for lunch And then when you're like, uh like every day four in the afternoon, you're like, uh And you never know it might turn into a taco bell ksc by the end of the month. That'll be great. What are you doing? I'm gonna do the bell and here's why oh fuck why fuck because first of all fuckers

Fucking I don't need to meet at taco bell homes like don't fucking bro. You never do okay I don't fools to do that. It's a month. You can't sound so gross bro. No, here's what I'll do bro It's gonna be bean and cheese breeds because I already like I like their bean and cheese breeds straight up I like it. I like their maxi melt and I like to scrape out most of the beef and the beef maxi melt I like a taco supreme, but I scrape out most of the meat just so I get the meat tastes You know, I love a huge fan of mexican food. So dude taco bell all the way. Taco bell drunk is pretty incredible. Oh, it's great You're like, why don't I like this? Yeah, this is great. And like all I eat there. It's gotta be 500 degrees though

What hot is key to yeah? Yeah, sure. Sure. You don't want a cold mickey d's burger. No Hot but like taco bell should be piping hot the grossest the hotness masks Sign like some of the unhealthfulness for sure the mexican pizza needs to be hot. You read a cold mexican pizza. It's the worst Wait, okay. Now. What about this? Del taco. I'm getting farce just thinking about it. Del taco or taco bell. I gotta go taco bell again taco bell 100 percent Del taco Taco bell's fucking brother who never got a job right and live He's like, yeah, I'm jeff too. I'm taco bell too

It's the devry institute. He's like, you need a bike or you want to taco? Dude people some people love del taco. Like that's their jam That's really dude. I because we've got one in our neighborhood and I drive by it and it's like shrimp tacos three for a dollar shrimp No, that's where you just go. That's where you go. Fuck. No. Are you crazy? But they just put that on the menu. So it makes the other shit look more say if you had hunger cramps I would be like, no, no, no I'll eat the breading around it. Yeah

Wait, what do you think's the shittiest fast food though? It cans down hands down shit is Maybe hardies No What it used to be arbies arbies Arby's is roast beef. That's so throw that shit against the wall and it sticks. It's it's not good Who loves arbies? I don't know anyone besides our dads that love arbies. They're like a roast beef sandwich, buddy There's something I don't like about pretty fucking There's something I don't like about jack in the box and I don't know why because I feel like they're trying

But there's something that makes me feel I could see that it's unsettling for some reason People don't people love those tacos. They have that with the the american cheese on them deep fried tacos with american cheese That's okay. The ghetto stoner Uh, the grapes like three o'clock in the morning. What do we got in the fridge tacos? Do you like wendys is kind of grody. I don't fucking love when you Fucking love when what's your jam there? I eat that right now. Really double cheeseburger my mouse water him Fucking great. What do you like about it? Uh, it's just it's just really good juicy. It tastes like quality hamburger to me. I know i'm probably wrong

No, but I like it. No, it's what they specialize in right? What about the fries? All the fries, what do they have thick or thin? I don't remember thick I don't like thick fries. I hate and I like to fucking fake wendy in the commercial The fake one. Yeah, like fake. I don't like real wendy. I don't like real wendy either Wait, but what about french fries? It's mickey d's for me all the way. Yeah Again hot piping hot mickey d's french fries or it's it's the best. It's crack cocaine It's it's And it's like if you're if you're taking burger king fries over mickey d's fries

I'm giving you the double I'll fucking give you the double bird man. I agree. You know what mcdonalds does so well It's the salty versus sweet ratio. You nailed it bro. It's like Their diet coke is amazing. Oh, everything's rad. The ratios you get that salty ass fry, but the sweet sweet ass ketchup on top I'm going to the gym in two hours. I'm gonna go get a mickey d's diet coke on the way out because you just you just made it sound so tasty Dude, they're coke. Why is their coke so good? It's their syrup their way that they they blend it and the carbonation to go with that Perfect They nail it across such a weird thing fast food because it's so fucking good and you don't want to eat it

You shouldn't you shouldn't it in and out. It's not terrible That's a killer place to have a burger Yeah, if you're gonna do it the fat burger is amazing Some places don't feel like shitty fast food and in and out and fat burger don't demand Fat burger is a fucking that's a if you had somebody visiting the united states and they're like america hamburgers And you wanted to show them a good fucking burger right that burger nails it for you Sure. Yeah, now baha fresh used to be a jam and now chipotle took it over chipotle Chipotle, which I think that's one of the best chipotle. Yeah chipotle

I'll eat a chipotle wherever that can barely count as fast food. That's like that's legit mexican food for the most part But you're gonna shit. You're definitely you're gonna shit, but they're giving you rice beans They have pepper, you know, I mean like there's a lot and it's in front of you It's not like somebody's dicing it up in the back. Yeah, they prep it in front of you. So It's pretty, you know, it's pretty legit. Yeah, burger king's. Okay. I've never loved burger king quality's down on burger king Really down. It's shit. Fuck burger king. They were number two now. They're number 52 There you go full charge. I like to wapa. Fuck the big mac. Yeah, exactly. Oh, here's my favorite burger though I don't know if you guys agree western bacon cheese burger at carls jr. They got the two slices of bacon the cheddar cheese

And the onion rings on top That's my birthday. That's my birthday. Yeah. Yeah, we get that on my birthday. We go to Really? Yeah, we we park in the car and we buy Everything and just eat it when my friend you'll be happy to know when uh when I first met my friend randy who I think you've met 20 years ago radio rando in baltimore He went to san diego for the summer. He's like the western burger, dude And he just fucking he did the same thing you just said but he shouted it. He was fucking so excited about him We're like, wow, really, huh? Yeah. Yeah, he was out of his mind with it. So it's real good. No, this is not the fast food

Have you had umami burger? Yeah, yeah, that's the shit. That's real good. That's good. Fuck. That's bougie burger. That's a bougie burger You're drinking that burger. That's just juicy as fuck. So good. All right. All right. Let's go eat. Let's go eat I'm starving. I'm out of here. Peace god Okay Absolutely That's what we do That's what we do

Blonde blonde bad guys away Yeah, that's actually good for you. This is an out of body experience, okay? What you would walk up to if you realized that the screen housing group which is military term for that, okay? Yeah, go on. Okay Absolutely, okay enough Yeah Blonde blonde bad guys away This is an out of body experience, okay?

You