Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 288-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 15, 2015

It's Shane Lee's world and we're all just hanging out around him.  If angels do exist there's no question that Mr. Lee is one of them. With a voice so pitch perfect you'll find yourself questioning what is art, what is soul, what is beauty? The answer: it's Shane Lee.  In this episode we dive deep in to Lee's world and range of other-worldly talent. We also reveal some very sad, yet unavoidable news to the world of adult entertainment. Get your kleenex ready - you'll be wiping up more than usual.  Plus Ghost Kru and Obe1 are back with tracks that honor, who else, Shane Lee. 

Here we go. I don't know if I've ever been more excited for an episode than the one we're about to get into. I'm really excited. You've been working tirelessly to prepare these clips. I've been at it for hours. Yeah. Since yesterday.

Oh my gosh, James. That's the thing people don't understand. Some people don't understand about this show is this is one of the podcasts that takes a lot of production work in the account. Preparatory. Preparatory. Preparatory. We don't just sit here and talk.

No. Well, we wanted this show to be special. It's special. It's special. All right. James, where are you going to be this week? Well, this is a down week for me. So I'm home.

And then I have a huge show coming up April 28th. If you are in the LA area, I'm showcasing my hour to hopefully shoot a special April 28th, 8 p.m. at the Ice House. Tickets are moving, which is great. Thank you for all of you that already got tickets. It should be a really fun show. I'm doing an hour. Tickets are only 10 bucks.

And we're just trying to fill it up so that it's a great crowd for the people coming out to watch it. So please come if you can April 28th. And then the next day, Denver, I'm at the South Club. The big old comedy works in South Denver. Very excited to be back there. It's been a few years. That's where I recorded White Girls with Cornrows.

Oh. With that very club. So. It feels like just yesterday you were doing that. Man, it does actually. Then that same weekend on Sunday, I'm hitting Wise Guys in West Valley, Salt Lake City, Utah. And a couple days later, Chattanooga, never been to Chattanooga, Tennessee, I'm there.

Then Nashville, I'm going back to Zanies. It's been a while. We were there together. And we did that South Run. And then that weekend ends with me doing the theater in Asheville, North Carolina. And then I've added a bunch of stuff. If you go to TomSigura.com and you look at the page there, there are so many dates, one night dates coming up for me.

Phoenix, Vegas, Chicago, Pontiac, Michigan, New Brunswick, Brooklyn, Boston, all the way through Eugene, Seattle, et cetera. So please give that a look. And I'm really excited. Hopefully you can come out to one of those shows. Jeans, you have a big week coming up in the Nasty Natty. That's right. April 23rd, April 24th, April 25th.

I will be doing stand up at Go Bananas in Cincinnati. And then on the 26th, my Jeans is joining me. Sure am. And we're doing your mom's house live at Go Bananas in Cincinnati. It's probably going to be one of maybe two more live shows of the podcast this year. Maybe three for the whole year. Yeah, that came about kind of special. We just asked if we could do that kind of.

It was kind of neat how that came around. That wasn't a normal thing. And that originally was going to be a stand up show for you. Right, we converted it. And they were like, oh, if you do the podcast, that'll work. It was so rad. Yeah. So if you're in that area, though, come out to see Christina do stand up.

Don't come back on Sunday. Don't be all, don't be all like, I got to choose between one or the other. Don't be like that. Be real. Every show. You know what I mean? Just live there. Also, this week on That's Deep, Bro, Tom Seguera joins me and we discuss the fun topic

of depression, something comedians are very familiar with. So listen to that. Yeah. It was a really good, good talk. It was fun. I've been getting a lot of positive feedback. It's always nice when they're like, fuck you. Fucking suck.

Stupid dumb fuck. You shut up, bitch. There you go. That's nice. Where's the set? Just my inner monologue. There you go. It's a healthy way to talk to yourself.

It's one of my... To fucking bitch. It's in my therapist. It says healthy self-talk. Um, yeah. Jeans. Get us started. What's going on?

Let's get into this. Let's bro down, bro. Let's bro down, bros. Let's do this. Here we go. Stupid. Stupid. He accused me.

Objection. Mr. Sellers? No. Okay. This sounds ridiculous, but he accused me of sleeping with the entire Wu-Tang Clan. She did. I didn't know. Do you even know the Wu-Tang Clan?

She went backstage. I did. Oh, so you didn't know him? Well, yes. I had an amazing night one night and a really good opportunity. It was amazing already. Mr. Sellers, please. It was amazing.

Um... Well, how amazing was it? It was... She gave Wu-Tang. I did not. No. This shit is big time. Who is Ramsey?

Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Sutsu. Christina Pajitsina. Whoa, gosh.

Christina Pajitsina. Christina Pajitsina. Christina Pajitsina. Christina Pajitsina. Christina Pajitsina. Christina Pajitsina. Ce- Stand up. Christina Pajitsina.

Christina Pajitsina. Welcome, to your mom's house. What's gonna sell for more? Come on. Come, come on. What do you call that interpretation you just gave? I just feel like that was kind of free, modern day free spirit. You know, like, what's it called, like interpretive dance kind of style?

Sure. It reminded me of the Commodores a little bit. The Commodores. You look like a soulful black gentleman just kind of feeling the groove, you know? You know how that makes me feel when you talk like that. They know. You love it. Very positive.

Positive energy. Positive. She gave the woo some tang. That was, this is one of those clips that we were just bombarded with. I mean, this came into me probably 40, 50 times. It was one of those where I like, you know, sometimes we go, that's a good one, but I go, you just gotta share it. And for the people that haven't heard it, it'll definitely be on the site if you want

to see it. It's from divorce court. I love that show. It was pretty amazing. Here's the, the full clip. It's like this guy is, I love that he goes, he started, he was like, objection. And she's like, don't stop. There's no object.

This isn't like, you know, he's not real court. Right. And he's trying, and he doesn't know what to object with. Objection. I think he's Matlock. Yeah. It's so stupid. It's so great.

And she, by the way, you know, she's like hung out with the Wu Tang one night. And when you watch, she's like, it was the most amazing. Like she's acting like she didn't do anything, but she's like physically represent, representing herself in a way that it's, her memory is, are showing through her face like it was. Like she's seeing all the dicks in her eyes. Like she's kind of like, oh, and ghosts kind of hung to the left. And like Ray Kwans was kind of chubby and short like him. And like, that's, you've seen her, her eyes dancing around those dicks and her memory.

You know? Which, do you think any of those gentlemen of the Wu Tang, will their penises be appealing? I don't think any, I mean, I don't know if there would be necessarily unappealing. I don't know. What's his name? Peanut the kidnapper. He's way dead. ODB.

Yeah. I don't think he had a beautiful dick, but I don't know if it was necessarily objectively ugly. I'm going to, I'm going to go out on a limb and say I wouldn't want to put my mouth on that penis. I'm saying a lot of people probably did though. Lots of people. Yeah.

Dude, he had so many kids. So many people. It takes a special kind of gal to be like, that's my baby daddy. ODB. Oh, you got to be out of your mind. You think so? Yes. Hmm.

Yes. I don't know, man. Cappadonna Cappuccino. Isn't that another one? How many members are there? Well, there's nine original. So there's nine dicks possibly that were. Yeah.

Interface. So many. Yeah. Oh man, this one interview is gone. I wanted to pull that up. Anyways, it's pretty amazing. Let's see what we can find for you, play for you here. This is, this is the divorce court one.

He accused me this time. Objection. This sounds ridiculous, but he accused me of sleeping with the entire Wu-Tang Clan. She did. I did not. Do you even know the Wu-Tang Clan? She went backstage. I did.

Oh, so you didn't know him? Well, yes. I had an amazing night one night and a really good opportunity. It was amazing already. Opportunity. It was amazing. Well, how amazing was it? It was.

She gave Wu some things. I did not. That should have gone a better laugh. That was funny. That was really funny. That was a good line. He deserved better from that audience. Yeah.

Wait, what do you think the opportunities are? But see what I'm saying? Like when you're trying to like, like if you had done that and you're trying to be like, I didn't do anything wrong. Yeah. To keep like, and I'm accusing you. Yeah. Of like, you fucked them.

Yeah. For you to say, I had this amazing opportunity. It's amazing. I feel like you're throwing it in my face again. Yeah. Because the correct answer to the accusation of, did you sleep with Wu-Tang Clan? The correct answer is just no. 100% no.

You just go, no. I just smoked up with those guys and I listened to them talk about crazy stuff. You don't play up how amazing it was. If you're trying to act like nothing happened, you go, no, it was cool to hang out and we talked and nothing physical. But to hit, to the husband's defense, she has porno girl voice. She has that like, honestly. Yeah.

It's just like that. It was an amazing opportunity. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. What are the opportunities? What do you think, what do you think she actually did with them with the Wu? I think she blew a couple of them. Right.

Some finger coughs. She definitely just smoked a lot of weed. Right. Which is, that's not what he's accusing her of fucking them. He also knows his girl and she's probably done some sucking and fucking before the Wu. I don't think it's the first time that some shit came up like this. That's his wife, babe. It's a marital bond.

Right. Wow. What do you mean? Just sucking and fucking. Yeah. Geez. Yeah. I think that's what happened.

Don't you think so? Yeah. That's how she got him. The third technique is called mouth watering good. Oh, I miss Angel. I think she definitely has done that before. Angel's a big star now. She is a big star.

Where'd she get her launch? Right here. Right here in your mom's house. The figure eight. Upside the testicles and you go all the way back around. If you're lucky, if you play your cards right on your Smurf day, I might give you the figure eight. Oh, I cannot wait. Please give me the figure eight.

Put your dick between your legs. Hey, you know who else likes Wu Tang? Who? Wu Tang is dangerous. Protect your neck, brother. That's my mom. Your mom loves them. It's so bizarre.

Ghostface killers. It's a poet from the streets. That's how I like my MCs. It's crazy. It's crazy that my mom would probably hang out with Wu Tang all night. I hope she wouldn't suck him and fuck him, but I think she would definitely hang out. Pretty cool. That's crazy.

Your mom just rattled off the name. Ghostface killers. She likes what she likes. Okay, here's more from that Wu Tang clip. It happened. Let me just put on the record that Wu Tang is nothing but gentlemen. They treated me highly respectful. I would never cheat on him, but also, I don't know if this is appropriate to say,

but I would never be like a bust down or a groupie in that type of situation. It just so happened. That's a new one. I don't know bust down. I don't know groupie. I don't know bust down. I kept my lady points together, but basically what happened is I met Wu Tang, I got on their tour bus, I went back to the hotel, and I was just hanging out all night,

and it was amazing. We weren't doing anything but talking. Were you with Mr. Sellers? Were you dating Mr. Sellers? No, I was dating him. Hey, hey, hey. Sorry. Yes, I was dating him at the time, and he was living at my house.

I lost track of time, and I didn't really look at the time. All of a sudden, I look at my clock, and I'm seven in the morning. Wait a minute. When you go, I don't remember what time it was. If I told you I forgot what time it was, and it's seven, would you say like, oh, I get it, you lost track of time? Yeah, I know. Seven a.m.?

You're doing more than just politicking and talking. Even if you're not, seven is not a lost track of time. No. You lose track of time. It could be like one. Two. You thought it was 11. Seven?

Yeah. I mean, come on. You're having scrambled eggs and fucking toast at that hour. Okay. All right. All right, buddy. You're at TGI Fridays. Can I get a second coffee?

Seven a.m.? But here's the real thing, Tommy. Just hear me out. If I was offered to go backstage with the Wu Tang Clan, and maybe the price of admission is just sucking a couple of them off, would you really deny me the opportunity, the opportunity to hang out and suck the dicks of the Wu Tang Clan? Jesus. Every part of my insides just shivered the way, the fact that you could even phrase that

question. But it's a great opportunity. Yeah. Of course. The answer is yes. I mean, it's such a wonderful opportunity and you can save some of that jizz and then, you know, maybe we could make a crazy MC. Yeah.

Yeah. That would be great if I'd get impregnated by one of the Wu Tang Clan. It'd be awesome. Oh my God. I would just put fucking headphones on that kid when he was one day old, just different beats, different, all kinds of different producers coming in and spitting shit at him. And he, you know, so that when, when he like starts talking, it's all in rhymes. We force him just to start speaking in rhyme.

First sentences are all rhymes. A lot of gold chains. We just, he's naked, but with gold chains. Adidas diapers. Yeah. The gold teeth. Easy. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. It's all in rhymes. It's all in rhymes. Yeah. I love it. I was like, I got to get out of here. And so I jumped in a taxi and I went home immediately.

And as soon as I was at home, I get approached by Nate and he starts accusing me of sleeping with them all. But you stayed out all night, got on a tour bus with a band or a group. I mean, that, that, that's bus down behavior. Is it not? It might be, but it's awesome. That's amazing. That's bus down behavior.

That's, that's bus down behavior. Is it not? She's right. You act like a hoe. That's exactly what she was saying. Yeah. And she was, that's some hoe shit to do. If you, if you fucking did that, I would at least be like, look, did you get some cool

gear? Did you get like a free sweatshirts? Yeah, like sweatshirts, t-shirts and shoes. Oh, I wouldn't, I wouldn't leave the bus without some hats and stuff. Yeah. At least take it back. At least if our marriage is over, you can get a free hat. Yeah.

Hey, who goes on divorce court on television to divorce? People who got their shit together. Is that, is it the, the, the, the allure of it is like, it's a free divorce? Probably. Yeah. Yeah. This was going to happen on my birthday. Put your dick between your legs.

You got it. You better say that to shit to me. Are you excited? Of course I'm excited. Thursday is your smurf day. Yeah, I know. Everybody tweet Tommy on his birthday, April 16th. Let him know it's his 48th birthday.

It's not my 48th birthday. Jesus. I'm 12 years younger than you. Your 46th birthday. No. Everybody let him know that he doesn't look a day over 58. 58. We're up to the 50s now.

Yeah. You're acting like I'm Chad Daniels or something. Oh. Can you believe it? We're going to have 53. He's 53. He's 53 years old. Oh my God.

He's so old. I know. You should tweet him. Oh. Let me make sure I go out his. Yeah. Let's look that up. His thing.

Guys, the Richard gear of comedy, Chad Daniels is, he's at Chad Daniels 34 all together. That's a great one at Chad Daniels 34. Yeah. He's 53 years old. It's pretty crazy. Hmm. Still looks like Richard gear though. He still does.

Yeah. So we're going to have a nice dinner. We're going to go get some cupcakes that day, I think. Yeah. Is there anything else you want to do? Figure eights. Cupcakes. There.

Figure eight. I don't know. Fart. Something like that. That's every day in this house. Yeah. I've been farting quite a bit. Yeah.

Yeah. Thank you. Look, this is really pretty sad. I didn't want to bring this up, but it's reality. So. Oh, you're not going to bring this up now. Are you? Yeah, might as well.

A way to bring the whole show down. Very, very. Oh, geez. Very sad news. I don't know if I can do the show after we announced this. It's, um, you know, I mean, I guess we all knew it would happen one day, but we, uh, I guess, you know, I just wasn't prepared for it. Hopefully not in our lifetimes.

Right. I just assumed it would go on forever. And I guess that was foolish, but that's just the way it goes. And here we are now in the days here. And there's really nothing we can do, but try to process it and accept it. And there's, there's no replacements. You know what I mean? You can't substitute.

No, you can't. You can't. Now, um, if you want to go ahead and just tell them what we're talking about. I don't know if I can get through it, but guys, our hero. I'm devastated. You guys, porn star Rocco Sifredi has announced that he is retiring from the adult film industry. It's on his mask. It's on his mask.

The legend, the man. I have an article here. He's considered to be something of a legend in the adult film industry, but Rocco Sifredi has stunned his legion of fans by announcing that he is quitting porn. I mean, I don't even know what to do. Why? Yeah, that's why. Why?

This is like when Jordan retired, you know, in the first time and we were all like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, and he went to play baseball. It's like, you're the best. He's the best. Let us watch you work. He's the top of his game. He hasn't lost a step or a drop.

No, not a drop. 30 years. Or hair. Nothing. Nary a pub. You can't get hard anywhere. Yeah. The 50 year old who was known as the Italian stallion.

Sounds familiar, that nickname, doesn't it? Says he will no longer appear in adult movies out of respect to his wife, Rosa Caraccio. Well, nothing says I love you quite like turning your back on a porn career. That's true. So Freddie who has appeared in over 1300 pornographic films apparently made the difficult decision after bearing all on reality TV show Survivor. Did you know he was on Survivor? What?

I don't know if it's American Survivor. Really? Something else, yeah. According to report in the Daily Mirror, the father of two has told friends he is quitting the business because he doesn't want to lose his wife. He met the Hungarian model back in 1993 and the couple went on to star at adult film Tarzan X. This is like our life story. I know.

It's so weird the parallels between our lives. Shame of Jane. So she certainly knew what she was getting into, but it seems Caraccio became less comfortable with the porn world after the birth of their two sons Lorenzo and Leonardo. He says there's our Ninja Turtle names. Mind you, this is the second time the Italian has retired from starring in adult films. He announced in 2004 that he was focusing on directing and producing because he was dreading the day he'd have to explain his job to his kids.

They're probably teenagers now. So Freddie held out for five years before returning to the screen. So will he stick to his resolve this time? His wife certainly hopes so. Let's see what the new version of him will be like she has said. Man, it's just, I really didn't think we would have to face this, you know? I mean... 1300.

That seems a bit low. Yeah. I feel like he's done more than that. I mean, how many of his catalog do we own personally? All of it. A few. A few. Yeah.

Yeah. He's, he was like no other. Oh yeah. Nice color. Yeah. Oh my. He just was magical. Yeah.

Just kind of sweet finesse. It's only smells. Nobody like him, man. I feel like he's treating. What? It's only smells. It's okay. It's only smells.

He's treating his career like it's only smells. Yeah. Yeah. He did so much good work. Do you think his kids haven't figured out by now? Yeah. Oh yeah. Like that's my dad.

It's crazy. He's my dad's peener. My dad's online and there's just like, he's banging a girl and another girl's eating his ass at the same time. It's pretty crazy. Do you think, if you're his kids, you watch it, watch it, but you see it. Yeah. What's going on in the scene, Tom?

I mean, your eyes are glued to it. There's a girl on her back and he's in her butthole and another girl's guiding it in there and another girl's licking his butthole. Come on. Geez. That's the thing is he could do so much. So versatile. He wasn't a one-trick guy.

I know you are. Yeah. He's a strong performer. Very strong performer. That's what she would say. Yeah. I mean, let's see. He's a star.

He's a star performer. In honor of him, if it's cool to bring the whole clip up from the famous... Oh. Oh. Oh yeah. Try. Try. Oh.

Come on. Please. Oh no. Please. It's not. What? It's on his mask. It's okay.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Come on. It's on his mask. It's nothing. Only this mask. Yeah. I love this. Come on.

It's brown. Oh no. It's okay. Yeah. It's okay. It's more than smells. It's okay. So he released a statement.

I feel like I should try to read it. It's like the president. Yeah. He released a statement. I feel like I should read it. Maybe in my best Italian accent. Please. To be authentic.

Please. What? This is exact. I'm not... What? The misuse of our language is in the statement. Okay. So he's Italian by birth, obviously.

Since 30 years, I am in this business. And since 23 years, I am married to my wife Rosa, who gave me an amazing family. During those 30 years, I always worked with the same energy and dedicated all my soul and body to this work. Even though more than a year ago, I started to get uncomfortable in front of the camera. Something inside of me has changed. Oh no. And all this is related to my family.

I had an opportunity to do this reality show where I was being away from the family, work and all kinds of media, me and myself. I had two months to think only about my future and simply out of this experience, I could see my priority has changed. Since before, me being an actor was something was on my first priority on my life. Today, I can see why my wife, she is the top priority and that is why I made this decision. She deserves to have what she wanted from day one to be with only me without sharing with other girls.

When I came out with this decision, I read on the internet that some actresses and some people did not understand why I did this. Some of them criticized me very badly without knowing my life, my feelings, the way I am when I go home or when I am on the set. This is the only truth, I really love my wife and at one point, it does not matter how much money you make or what kind of work you do, you need to make decisions, the right ones for the people who love you and deserve love from you. I am sure in the future I will be missing very much to be in front of the camera.

I am putting my penis in many women's eyes. I am also sure that this challenge to just be behind the camera will give me lots of motivation. Man, he goes on to a very long statement, but he goes on to just to talk about 30 years in this incredible career of his. He calls himself an actor. What would you call him? I mean, porno star, porn star?

Disrespectful. Here is the thing, you can't just call yourself a performer or an actor because there are people that win awards for those, like legit awards for those types of jobs. Yeah, avian awards, I know. You should call, you have to put the qualifier of porn before. I don't know, I mean, he's so... I'm just, I'm so devastated. Who do we have left in the porn world of the men?

Who's left? He's one of the real heroes that's still doing it, you know, so... He's my dad. He's one of my dad's movies, he's in a lot of them. What is your dad, what kind of actor is your father? What did he do, like one of these and get out, like 1300? That's the thing, if you tell your kid you're an actor, it's not really accurate. You are looking, you are looking, me eating your ass, you are looking, like it, like it.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Could you at least honor him for a moment, it's his big day. Oh, God, I love this, baby, come on. Oh my God, all right, she's trying to lick it, just shut up and let her lick it. He's sitting on her face, very aggressive. Why does he have to talk through it though, let the woman lick your butt? Yeah, anyways, well, he just felt like that deserved his proper, you know... Moment on the show.

You know what though, Tom? Here's my prediction, much like Jay-Z, when he's always saying, I'm retiring from this, this is my last album. And then he comes back, he always comes back for more. I hope, I think I know what you're saying and I hope it's true. You're saying that this might be a taunt, if you will? Yeah, he's teasing our buttholes. He's sitting on our faces right now, telling us to lick it, lick it, this is the last of it.

No, it's not the last of it. I don't know, I hope it's true, Jeans, I really do. First Jenna, we lose Jenna Jamison and know this. Well, it's like, if he's really gone, do we need the internet anymore? What is it for? I wonder how, but how do they make their money now? It's not like DVD sales are what they used to. I don't know.

Everything's all free now. I don't know, somebody's paying for it. He makes like 50 euros a scene. I don't think so, he's... He sells more. Yeah, yeah, and he also owns the company, so he's putting out his own product. He's the Jay-Z, like you said, of that world. What would you rather have?

Could you imagine if Top Dog did porn? Oh yeah, buddy. Oh my God, why would you say that? Come over here and I don't like drinking water. All right, okay. I'll drink water out of your vagina. Well, that was really fun. Thank you for doing that.

Should we get to like the meat of this or what? Can I ask you real quick? Would you rather watch your parents porn? Okay, what is it? Would you rather watch your parents porn? Like basically your mom and dad are Rocco Sifredi and his wife. Jesus. And you just grow up that way and you have to watch it every now and then,

because your dad comes home and he's like, buddy, buddy, I got to show you the new movie your mom and I made. Fuck, man. What's the other one? What's your other scenario for this? You are the porn star. You ruin your life and you give your whole... You're like Rocco, you develop 30 years of your life

to making quality pornography like this, man. Yeah, I'd probably do that. You would take that over watching your parents porn and your dad and mom being porn star. Yes. You sacrifice yourself, huh? Yeah, I would. Babe, but you couldn't be a comedian.

There's no... Yeah, but I'm the best porn guy working. I'm at the top of my game. What's your signature move? I would try to mimic the face sitting I just saw him do. And he held her like... It's almost like she was like, I'm not sure I want to.

And he was like, yep. And held her there and was like, eat it. Yep. I think that'd be my move. You're so hairy and scary, though. That would be your nickname, hairy and scary. Yeah. What's going on?

Charo is sending me pictures of myself. Oh, cute. I love your cute. Oh, you're so cute. You're the cutest little boy, man. There's like no pictures of you as a kid in our house. We need some. Here's a...

God, you are adorable. Softborn high school. You're the best. You know that? You're just the cutest. Thank you. Thank you very much. So anyways, there's...

It's hard to even bring up like how this came about. We've basically just been taunting you for the last few moments here because we have this just... I don't know. How would you even describe it? It came into our lives and it's been a week of us laughing about it. We've played it over and over.

It's just one of those magical moments on the show. This is going to be one of those magical moments. I feel it. Yeah, it is. So you remember a few weeks ago, we had Shane Lee. We played him for you and he did Love Come Down, which was pretty massive. I mean, people really liked it.

But then we thought, you know what? Why not up the game a little bit? If you read the comments, he's trained so many people to sing like Evelyn Champagne Key. People are like... Because he's really into teaching. Why not let him teach our audience how to sing different songs, more songs, better songs?

Exactly. And from our point of view, it's like, let's challenge him. Let's see your range. Don't say happy birthday. Let's see what else you can do. Let's get into this first one here and see if you guys are into this. Are we playing Name the Tune with the audience? No.

I want to get him introducing me. Good morning, everyone. How are you today? It's me again, Shane Lee. Tom and Christina from your mom's house podcast made a request. They want me to teach you how to sing diamonds and pearls by Prince. And this is a two-part song, yet they sing on top of each other. So what I'm going to do is I want to first teach you how to sing like Prince.

Thank you. And then teach you how to sing like the girl. So you get it there. By the way, we should address the background chirp. We didn't... You know, we were like... It sounds like a sneaker on a basketball court. It is, in fact, the low battery alarm from his smoke detector.

And it never stops on any of the things we're going to play. But I think it acts as a kind of a metronome. It is. It is. And so what it's... I didn't realize that, but what he's doing is he's counting like two, three, four. Chirp, chirp. Two, three, four.

Like a lot of musicians have different ways of keeping... Keeping time. Yeah. Yeah. This is just his method, guys. Don't... Don't... Two, three, four.

Chirp. Yeah. So he recorded himself doing diamonds and pearls four times. But here's the thing is that like you can really see how it changes as it goes. There's an evolution in his process, which is really neat. That's the cool thing. And if you're learning, you'll... If like you're into learning, you'll be like, oh, yeah, you can see the progress.

It's pretty cool. One of the things I spent a lot of time doing is that I would line up the instrumental for you. Oh, thank you. Yeah. So you can hear the song with the music. Because Shane submits these videos without the music. He has headphones on and he can't hear himself singing and we can't hear the music. So this is...

Thank you for doing that. I'm sure that was a very time... You know, that was the time consuming. So thanks for putting that together for us. Sure. I think first too, so that people, some people and people aren't familiar, I'll give you a little bit of what the song Prince's version is like. Okay.

So you know, you know the song. Yeah. You know? Okay. So this is the original. I remember this in the 90s or something, too. Early 2000s. I like this show, man.

Me too. Prince is great. Prince amazing. Yeah, I feel like this late 90s is when... Yeah. Before he was assembled. Before he lost his shit. What a voice on Prince.

Gosh. This is a very catchy melody. Hitmaker, this guy. All right. It's great. It's great. Oh, by the way, shout out to Matt Bax. Right now he's on the train.

Right, right. Right? Yes. On the train, someone's nudging you from the side. Your back fat is smushing into the person next to you. Hating life. Yeah, but we're here with you, man. Big shout out, Matt.

Big shout out to my man, Matt. Hope you're having a good train ride. To being done. Life's over. All right. So now you got the OG version, right? The original. That's Prince.

But not necessarily the best. Definitely not the best. So then let's get into take one of Shane Lee doing diamonds and pearls. Here we go. Here we go. She's just getting into it. Yep. I can give you the world, but I can't do it.

It's not for you. He kind of has this like a little bit of a British flair sometimes. In the world. Like Oasis, yeah. Diamonds and pearls. I like that. I like how he kind of improvised the beginning of the song. Yeah.

Like just because you don't know the word to something doesn't mean you can't sing it well. Because he's singing. He's doing it like melodically too. And like some people don't get it, but I get it. He's just good. Just feeling it out. That's what you do when you're playing.

Would you be a happy boy or a girl if I could have would give you the world. Timing's great. All I can do is get off of you my love. Yep. I'm not hearing a huge difference between he and Prince right now. He's he's nailing it for sure. It's the Christmas party.

Oh, it's your own. Oh. Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on. Two, three, seven, eight, nine, two, three, four, five, two, three, four. Yeah. Hold on anyway.

D to the I to the O. To the M. To the M to the. O to the N. I don't know if that's the right way to spell it. It's not, but here's the other thing is that do you realize that he was just doing this without ever hearing the song before? Oh, is that right?

He wasn't, he wasn't familiar with it too. Wow. I see. I wouldn't know that because he really nailed it. Like nailed it. He knocked it out of the park. Yeah. Yeah, he always does.

Always. Does your brain to me? Would you be happy boy. If i could, i would give you the world all i can do is offer you my life To diamond and pearl Would you be happy boy or a girl

To do is offer you my life Oh dear, what's that? You have to be happy girl If i could, i would give you the world All i can do is offer you my life All right Pretty cool, huh? Pretty, i mean it's really great.

So on this next one he just does the woman singing. Just to teach you how to do the female part. So you can work on both. Sure. So it's good to kind of listen to both. To know both and then you can learn listening to him. It's true, you can't just study what Prince does. Without the...

Yeah, you gotta practice both. Well that's Prince again but he's humming it just again. It's artistic license. Yeah. So you just kind of you kind of like wait for it there. Give you diamond and pearl

Would you be happy boy or a girl Just give you the world Really hitting those notes. Wow, that was really impressive. So i think what he does is he practices Prince first then the girl and then he'll combine the two together. Oh wow, that's a real professional move.

Yeah. So you know you get it. Yeah, I think what's really special about Shane is that most people would hear that smoke detector. Most people would hear that. And get annoyed. He doesn't. He kind of uses it in his art.

You know what I mean? Like how many artists just... He doesn't incorporate it. Yeah. It's good. It's really good. I sort of had some technical problems with my computer. Yeah.

I couldn't quite do it perfectly. There we go. See I like that he does it. Sometimes he'll just be talking and then he'll go right in the song, no warning. Just an on-corp. But he was like I was having difficulty with my computer and then he just goes right into it.

So that's why you know the music just kicked on because he was just talking and then it was... He got swept away. He got carried away. I sort of had some technical problems with my computer. I couldn't quite do it perfectly. Sounded perfect.

I love that he goes, you gave you diamonds and pearls. I love that. I love it. You hear how much better it is though than the... It's so much better. It's so much better this time. You can actually hear the artists...

Crafting it. He's polishing this gym. Wow. Wow. You gotta work on the singing. Wow. Wow. Yeah.

Hi. I am trying to sing one more time and let me see if I can get my computer working right again. Here it is. This time we won't teach you to sing it without the music. I'm trying to do it that way. Okay. Yes, there's one more version coming up.

That's the thing is that I like that we saw him... The first time you did version one, he doesn't even know the song. All of a sudden, three takes later, he's just like, yeah, why don't you print this? Nailed it. Third take, both parts. Now he can sing both parts.

Here we go. I will never run away. Your little Beatles influence, I think. Yeah. Maybe he's listening to them. See? Wow. This is the print take, you're right.

Yeah. Yeah, I hear it. Yeah. This is good. This could be on the radio. Easily. And he's going between Prince and the girl.

That's skills. I mean, this is incredible. Most people. Yeah, nailed it. All right. I think you get the point of what you need to do. Yeah. From here on out,

with this song. So, just work on it until you give it down, Pat. And anyway, I'll have a great day and may God for have a great day anyway.

So, yeah. Amazing, amazing performance. I was going to say that most singers pick either singing the male or the female part, but not both. That takes a really skilled singer to be able to sing as a woman

and a man. It's true. I don't know of another talent like that, do you? Not that, I mean, maybe some like Vegas acts that are just like playing to 3,000 seats every night. But no, most people can't do that.

That was incredible. So, after I got that, I was like, I think he can do anything. Which is clear. So, I got the idea, I go, I really want to push and see what kind of range

Shane really, what's he capable of? How far can we take this? Yeah, like in sports, it's like, all right, if this kid thinks he can do it and he's performing this way, let's give him the ball. And see if he can score.

It's that kind of thing. Let's put him in the varsity squad. Why is he JV? This is way, this is the pro bowl. This is way beyond that. So, I'll let Shane introduce it, but I gave him the biggest challenge I could think of

at the time. Good morning everyone, how are you today? I got another request this time from Tom and Christina of your mom's podcast House Podcast. Today, they want me to teach you My Carry's Emotions.

Now, this is a very moving song. It goes over a bunch of range of vocals. So, I want to attempt to sing it for you,

but I might not be perfect. I doubt that. I don't. I doubt that. This is my first song. Anyway, here you go. Now, he wasn't

lying. This is an extremely challenging song to sing. Well, Mariah's range. I don't even think Mariah can do Mariah now. It's that remarkable. People need to hear, if you're not familiar,

just a little bit of what this sounds like. Here's the original. I feel good. I feel nice. And this is the song that she first became obviously everyone knows she's a great singer, but Mariah,

one of the things she got famous for, besides being a huge pop song superstar, was that her pitch, her range, she could go so high, she could hit such high notes, and basically no other pop star could go to that level. Until now. Well, until now.

I pulled a couple of those moments just so you can hear what, you know, whoa, that's really loud. I just had diarrhea. Wow. No one can really, you know what I mean? That's crazy. It's crazy.

I mean, that's what she was known for, is that high pitched stuff. I did this on purpose. I wanted to push Shane and see like, are you going to take the challenge? Can he teach us to sing like that? That's right, because that's what this is really all about. All right, so let's see, here's take one

of Shane Lee doing Mariah Carey's Emotions. Oh boy. Oh. So far, so good. Perfect. I feel good. I feel nice.

Yeah. Wow. Are you blown away? I mean, I feel like Mariah needs to hear this because she needs to know there's another contender in the game. Yeah. Well, it's somebody that could maybe just tour and do, it's like a cover band.

Yes. He could tour and just do the hits. Wow, I'm blown away. He's like an angel. Beautiful. That is something else, huh? He just, he... Anything we give him.

Yeah, it's amazing. This is haunting, truly. Haunting. It's crazy. Now, there's this crazy part in the song where Mariah hits this like unbelievable range and here,

you can hear her trying to hit it right. Here, make sure this is not too loud. I mean, is that... I'm not even sure that it's pleasant to listen to when she does it because it sounds so painful, but when Shane saying, it's not as painful.

He goes for it multiple times because he tried this song also multiple times. So here's, I isolated him going for the pitch. A little bit high falling there. Yeah. It's uncanny. Was that Mariah? Was that Mariah or Shane?

I don't know. Wow, you know what's interesting? He makes a similar sound when he horks, he coughs. Yeah. But here's the other mate, just like diamonds and pearls, just like love come down.

On his third take, listen to how much progress is made. This is take three, okay? You feel he's more comfortable with the material already? He's starting to own it. He's feeling it, yeah. He's owning it. Wow.

It's like night and day, it's so much better. Yes, I like this. Yeah. All right. Hmm. Does Tommy Metola know this? See, I feel like, would they want, they don't want you to go,

cover somebody. If Tommy Metola heard this today, he would be like, Shane, let me write you some songs. We need to put you out there immediately. I hear it. He's so in it. See, he's way better at it now.

It's like, is this even the same guy? Yeah, it's not normal. It's crazy, man. This guy is so talented. Well, it's kind of like, what are we going to, you know, where do we go next? Where do we go next with this? I don't know.

After Mariah, it's like, and hearing him catch those high notes like that. Yeah, well, he does, yeah. It's just, I've, you know, I feel like I'm seeing something, that I've never seen before,

heard before. This must be what it's like to be a judge on American Idol when you find the next idol. This is Kelly Clarkson right here. We're here, we're at ground zero. Yeah.

This is what it's like. Hey, I guess that probably, because I've heard that Simon Cowell interview where he's like, you just know it. Yeah. You just know it. Shane's going to end up getting scooped up by some label.

Like Simon Cowell's going to come up. And, you know, we broke him first. We saw a dog last night, Randy Jackson. We saw Randy Jackson in a hotel lobby. Yeah. I wasn't in a hotel lobby, where were you? We should have given him this demo.

Yeah. Oh, it's just magical. Yeah. Oh, Oh, Yeah, Yeah, Oh,

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Hey, Hey, Oh, Oh,

I'm feeling emotional. You've been another dreamer. You're not feeling emotional. I have never had this emotion. Oh, Oh, I've been emotional. You've been emotional.

You've been emotional. You've been emotional. You've been emotional. You've been emotional. Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Wow. Wow.

All right. Oh, Is it? Yeah, I mean, there's one other thing he does. You know, he does that impromptu thing, where he's like just talking. Yeah, I call. I label it as he's showing off his pitch. Sure, because I think he got, like, like a lot of us, he.

He got locked into the. Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Yeah, Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 01:09:32,960 --> 01:09:35,960 Yeah. Can you tell the difference? No.

Yeah. This is the range. You can't tell me these are two different singers. She's about at my vocal range. Wow. Look at that. Wow. Wow.

He's just showing off now. That's what I labeled it as. So that's just out of nowhere. Jeez, he's so inspiring. Wow. Wow. Anyway, there you go. That's how you work on singing.

All right, I hope you like it. I hope Tom and Tina likes it. See you next time, bye-bye. That was fantastic. Yes. You know what's neat about this last Mariah is that if you can't reach the note legit, like, you know, if you can't really get there up,

go to the back of your throat. That's true. And you can hit some range in there. That's true. And he does that. Wow. That was Mariah. Oh, okay, I wasn't...

Yeah, that was Mariah. Yeah, and then I have to tell you which is which. Is that right? No, you got to work on it. No, I'm not making it funny, I'm saying you guys... No. You got to work on it. I can do it.

Go ahead. No, I don't hear it. You don't hear it? I feel like... I hear it. I hear me and I'm doing it perfect. I've ever dreamed of... I feel like Mariah, Shane, that's a different category.

I know, it sucks. I'm so jealous. Do you want to take a pee break? Yeah, I got to go sissy. All right, take a pee break. We'll pick up. And we're back. Toilets clogged.

From your pee? No, not from me, somebody before. Did something. Interesting. I don't know what that could have been. There you go, it's the official mid-show break. It's really dignified. It's really nice.

So, Jeans, obviously this is Shane Lee's day here on the show, and he deserves it. He's a remarkable talent. Somebody got to him, though, and it wasn't me, and asked him to teach one other song. And I don't have it all strung out like the other ones, but I figured you'd want to hear just a sample of it. You might like it. How does Shane have so much energy to do all this stuff? He's a performer.

I mean, performer is performer. Singers sing. Writers write. You know, he does what he does. Oh, shit, man. I didn't recognize it. I'm taking my headphones off immediately. No, you're not.

You're right. I like Shane's version much better. He's making me like it. I might like the song now because of Shane. I like Shane's version better than UB40M. So far, I like everything he's done more than the original. Amazing. It's pretty great, man.

Thank you. Yeah. Wow. Come on. Why do you do this? It's the worst. A very savvy listener must have requested that from Shane. I hate that song.

So anyways, Shane, we honor you. We celebrate you. We love what you do. And our listeners do too. So hopefully, guys, you will absolutely bombard his videos. Specifically, the Prince, Diamonds, and Pearls, and the Mariah Carey emotions with a lot of love. Make sure you let him know that you're a big, big fan.

But another amazing thing happened today, so excited about, and that is, we haven't heard from them in a while, Ghost Crew sent us a new song. Yes, I love these guys. These guys are the shit, man. We woke up to a Ghost Crew song, and who inspired them to make a song?

Shane Lee. Of course. It is Shane Lee Day today here. So this is the new Ghost Crew track. So amazing. Premiering exclusively for you right now. It's amazing. On the show, and it is...

Wow, that's exciting. Love Come Brown. Genius. Here we go. Genius level from these guys always. A wonderful duo that is Ghost Crew. Yes. No.

No, sir. I'm Tom and Christina from... I'm on the podcast. We want me to teach you how to sing a song by Evelyn Champagne King. It's called Love Come Down. All right, here we go. You need to write down.

Come down by me, I mean. My pussy. You know what time it is. All right, all right, all set. Oh, my God. Amazing. It's personal right here, bro. It's personal.

It's personal. You in my face. In my house. Disrespecting me. I gotta do something about it. My family's right there, bro. I gotta protect my mama. My mama's sitting in the stands, man.

Your parents right there. There in your house, man. Your mama's in the fucking stands. Get out, get out, get out, get out. Are you fucking serious right now? I mean, that was like the all time amazing... Epic remix of the show, yeah. That was everything that's ever happened on this show.

That's amazing. Yeah, it was incredible. That just blew my mind this morning. When we heard that, it was like, it just made my day. I played it in bed. I was laying down in bed. I hadn't even sat up yet and I have a fresh ghost crew song. Those guys are the fucking best, man.

They're the shit, man. Yep. They nailed it with that jam. It's a great one. Nailed it. It was Obi-Wan Canole. Oh, my God. Theo's jam.

Yeah, what's it called? What's the other one? Murphy. There's a couple other guys. Every man. These guys always fucking kill it. I mean, they're sort of like Shane Lee is the Shane Lee is singing and they're kind of like the Shane Lee's of producing hits.

Sure. Sure. Yeah, a little higher. Yeah. I mean, they have a little more... They're a different talent, let's say. Yes. Let's not compare.

Yes. Yeah, I shouldn't have compared. Sorry, guys. Yeah, really remarkable stuff. Yeah, good stuff either way. Jeans, do you like it when it's your birthday and people go, Happy birthday to you.

Don't you hate that? Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy. I used to hate it when I had day jobs. Do you? You know, the people like you don't like, they get excited about birthdays. The most. Why is it the people you don't like?

You never socialize. Get stoked with them. I would never socialize with them. No. And my birthday, that receptionist or like the girl in whatever department who I never talked to. And clearly we did not click, would like organize the birthday thing like you need to come to the conference room right now.

And you get there like, what's up? Happy birthday. Oh, Jesus. And then you have to be like, well, I don't want to celebrate my birthday with you. Oh, it's so embarrassing. You're a grown man and there's a stupid birthday cake lit and everyone's singing at you.

It's so uncomfortable. But they're not your friend. That's why you don't like them. Oh. It's the worst ever for me. Yeah. Yeah. I turned 16 and we had lived in Florida for just like maybe a year

and a half. I had like, you know, I've always been like, I'm good friends with like a couple people. I'm not big friends with a hundred people. I have my two or three, four close friends and that's it. And that's how I like to do, you know, formal outings, dinners. You're not a surprise party guy. You're not a huge dinner party.

I'm not a big group guy. Yeah. Yeah. Gives you anxiety. If dinner or any meal is like 15, I'm not really into it. Well, it sucks because you can only talk to two or three people at a time anyways. I like it.

I like it small. Yeah, me too. So here's, I remember so well how this went. Uncle Dave and their family, they were in town. Shit, Blanca. God damn it, Blanca. Where'd you put the potato chips? Yeah, I didn't get the enzymes.

You're always moving stuff around. I can't have spicy foods if I see my saliva in us now. I don't want you being a guy going on. So he says, do you want to go see Tommy boy? And I'd already seen it. So I said, like, oh, I already saw. He's like, I haven't seen it. And I go, all right, I guess I'll see it again.

Even though I wasn't really, you know. Yeah. That's not cool. It's your birthday. That's funny. And I really liked comedies. I was like, yeah, definitely. Let's go see it again.

Yeah. So we go to an afternoon showing of it and we pull back in the driveway. I walk up the house. I walk in through the garage, into the kitchen and they go, surprise. Oh, surprise. And there's like 30 kids from my high school. Oh, God. I don't like 15 of them.

Oh, Jesus. And I had this face of like, what the fuck just happened? And I remember, you know what? I feel immediately violated. I feel violated. Like because they're in my home and I'm not friends with them. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like when somebody, it's like when someone's reading your fucking journal. Because if you're a stranger or we're not friends, I don't want you in the house. I get so defensive and I was like, but then I knew that like I could see how joyful my mother was. She was like, look what I did. And you know, my sisters were like, isn't this awesome? And I was like, it's really cool. Thank you.

Of course, I'm talking like the three people I like in the house. And I'm like, what the fuck is this? I go, your mom, your sisters organize this. I tried to make it known there. Not that day. I was like, never do that again. Well, you've told me specifically no surprise parties. You don't like them.

So we don't do that in our house. I do not like it. Yeah, I kind of like it either. Truth be told, I don't believe in celebrating your birthday. It actually upsets me to think about it. Because it's such a violation of your. I so was so upset by that when that happened. I really did not.

Because you don't want those jerk offs in your space, bro. This is my house. Why did you bring this into the home? Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that happened to you. I would never let that happen to you, Jeans. Thank you.

Yeah. If they ever try to get you to get involved, you can be like, I know you guys don't like that. You know, the good thing about my family being a bunch of Eastern block or A-holes is that we never did that. Like my 16th birthday was celebrated in like a nice restaurant with my stepmom and my dad. I didn't have a sweet 16 party.

That was like goth and weird anyways. I didn't want that shit. I got to write down for you who I would like to invite to a party. Well, there's like four people. Okay. The Christchers can come over. Yeah. Ryan.

Yes. Full charge. Yes. That's it. That's it. What about Jay Larson? He's on the crab feast with Ryan. I could drop Ryan off.

That's rude. Of course. You love Jay Larson. No, I know. Of course he could come. Who else? Anyone that's been on our show basically. Ian Bag.

We love Ian Bag. Ian's invited. Yo, she's invited. Bag of performer. It's a strong performer. Strong performer. Any comedians basically. Yeah.

He's invited anybody else? No. I have to look at my phone to see who I've even spoken to. Yeah. I don't really talk to anybody. I don't believe in celebrating birthdays past the age of like 21. There's 21. There's 30.

Joey Diaz can come. Joey can come. Harry Schaefer can come. Harry can come. Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan's can come. All the comics can come. Yeah.

Basically comedians. But if you're a bro, like here's the birthdays you're allowed to do parties. You feel me? 21. Yeah. It's a big one. 30. 40.

50. 60. 70. 80. And if you're alive past 80, go fucking kill yourself anyways. Jeanette can come, but she's got to stay with FIFO and like to play together in the pen. Well, FIF think she's another dog. Brie Brie can come.

Brie Brie can come. Brie Brie can come. Uncle Dave can come, right? Of course. Do you know what your uncle Dave? We were at Christmas. This is hilarious. I was on antibiotics and I couldn't drink alcohol and your uncle Dave noticed I wasn't drinking

and he's like, I'm not drinking. I'm like, I'm on antibiotics. He goes, what for? I'm like, you're pretty much not supposed to ask people why they're on antibiotics, right? You're like, oh my God. Well, what is it? What is it? It's a urinary tract infection.

Oh, could you not? Ask me. So I'm a lady. You're never supposed to ask a woman why she's on antibiotics. Yeah. What am I supposed to say to you? Any medication. Have the clap.

Yeah. So weird. That's what all people don't know when you bet it. I know. Ask you whacked out. I don't even want my parents to ask me that. Like, what do you have antibiotics for? You're like, I don't know.

Nothing. Don't worry about it. You're not feeling well? Well, I am feeling well. That's why I'm on antibiotics. Yeah. Stop talking to me. So check this out.

Yeah. This is a, I mean, it's sort of pertinent. So I think I have to. Wipe case. Oh, jeez. Are we not over this yet? Well, you thought we were. I thought case closed after my WebMD discovery.

Yeah. No. Top dog, the Supreme Court Chief Justice weighed in. Whatever. But then a listener sent this in. Hi, everyone. Ryan Patrick here. Lately, Tom Segura and Christina Pashitsky have been talking a lot about

Wipegate. And if you guys aren't familiar with what Wipegate is, basically a few episodes back on Christina and Tom's podcast, your mom's house. Christina shamefully admitted. Shameful. That when she makes brown, she doesn't actually wipe up or down. She just goes straight to the shower. Yup.

Block. So being, you know, the open-minded person that I like to tell people that I am, I decided to not judge her and accept her for who she is. And he tries it himself. Yeah, I love it. This video made me laugh. It takes a dump. Okay.

No wiping. Not going to wipe. Just going straight to the shower. This feels really unnatural. It feels very unchristened. It's both of those guys. Oh hell lord fart god. You know what I mean?

You know what I'm saying? You feel me on top of that? So we're just going to go straight to the shower here. Oh god. I got such a shitty ass lord right now. I should be able to take my shirt off. I don't know what level he's at. Oh my, and he covers his naked body with a still of my face.

Okay. So a still of my face covers so you don't see him naked. I don't know how to do this, but... Yeah, you're right. This is not natural. Turning on the shower here. It's good, right? All right.

Loves it. All right, so now I'm just going to... I don't see him loving it yet. Loves it. I'm just going to let my asshole hang out in the shower here. I got some nuggets. Some nuggets. That's ridiculous.

Oh man, how could... Yeah. This is why you need to wipe. Exactly. How could you do this to Tom? Thank you. Ridic. You got to see the video though.

You got to see the video. We'll post it on the site. So it's been a couple of days since I... since I tried out WipeGate and... it's a pretty terrible experience. I'm going to keep wiping here. Stupid. I'm not down with that kind of brown.

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? I accept who you are. You're a beautiful person. You're funny. You know what I'm talking about? I accept you. Thank you.

But that doesn't mean I need to like it. Right. Tom. Dog. Homie. Bro. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I have to live with that.

Whatever. It's marriage, homie. Yeah. It's what you signed up for. It's real talk. It's life, dog. You know? It's real talk right there.

If you ever need a friend, reach out to me. Tweet me. So Ryan Patrick, thank you for the video. Ryan. We'll post it. And you know what it is? It's like... Ryan's a crybaby.

No, this is what it reminds me of. It's almost like when somebody gets sentenced and then they appeal. Yeah. They appeal the sentence. And then another circuit court judge. I'll take a look at all the evidence. So you're saying that I've been... the verdict hasn't been...

Am I being tried for the same crime twice is what I'm asking? No, here's what's happening. The Supreme Court ruled on it, but then a law professor said, let's look at this case and see if the Supreme Court got it right. That's what this is. This is like a law student being like, hey, you know, the famous Christina B versus Browntown Wipecate store, and he's like, of course, 2015, of course, I remember that. And then the student was like, sir, I'd like to challenge what the Supreme Court justices

voted on that. He's like an appellate court, I believe, is what that is. Well, yeah, I mean, because this can't change the verdict, but it's like, it's just backing up what Chief Justice Top Dog waited on. Well, Ryan, you know, I don't know what you ate that day. I don't know the volume of your brown. When you got to start going into shit like that. Well, here's the thing.

I think people assume that the amount of brown is like catastrophic, that it's like chunks and it's just not. It is not. It is not. It's literally like just like a smear. It's not chunks. You guys are just not getting what's happening. It's just a never ending wipe scenario.

It's not the chunks like that. What is it like? It's just like a brown on my tushy. I'm not. I don't brown that much. Like I'm not. It's not that crazy. It's like a dog poo.

I poo like FIFO, you know, just a little bit. Can we talk about, first of all, the final, the final Lee moment of Lou Holtz resigning from ESPN. Not that I'm a huge fan of ESPN, but I did watch it because you were watching it and Lou Holtz went down on the top. Yeah. Okay. So what happened?

Well, I thought I was given the, I guess, the misinformation that. Hold on. The misinformation that he had parted ways earlier. And I guess that wasn't the case. He ESPN released a statement saying that he's done, but let me let me pull. Well, he's a thousand years old and he can't talk anymore. And he looks like a reptile. And for fuck's sake, there isn't a woman on television that looks or talks like him.

They wouldn't let a woman on TV that was that unattractive and unable to speak. Right? People cry about how old Babs is. Barbara Walters and Diane Sawyer. Oh, what a dog. How old that Lou Holtz was a bastard. How? Let's be real.

Long time college football analyst Lou Holtz is leaving ESPN. Finally. Long time. Okay. They confirmed Lou brought a champion's perspective and a legacy of accomplishment to our coverage along with his distinctive style and humor. We appreciate the contributions and wish him all the best in the future. He said he's been everywhere except the bed.

I've spoken to everybody except my wife. Somebody said, do you ever go anywhere where people don't recognize you? I said home. I went to her to spend a little more time with her. I said that last year too. Maybe he doesn't want to go home, you know? Whatever. Probably hates his life.

Think so? A lot of dudes in show business too. Yeah. That's why they work 14-hour days. Yeah. I mean. He probably has nothing to live for. His wife's probably dead.

He definitely. Hey, honey. Yeah. Let's see. We should have been down 47. That's right. And we're down by 17. We have reached 40 points in the game.

Anyway, we should score 20 on our own. Defense pick up one touchdown. Can't get bad about one shot down. We got this game one. You know, I think it was really remarkable too in Newton and Todd. There he is again. I got it. When you're down 24-7, you're going half-time.

And if you're coaching, you think, boy, we should have been down 47. That's right. And we're down by 17. We have reached 40 points in the game. Anyway, we should score 20 on our own. Defense pick up one touchdown. Can't get bad about one shot down.

Yeah. It's like he has no teeth. Pretty crazy. How crazy are all those people? He's the plies of the old white guy world. Plies. I don't understand what the fuck this guy said. We should score 20 on our own.

Defense pick up one touchdown. Can't get bad about one shot down. Bonesnake. Mike Cronin, he has the best... Bonesnake. He has the best Lou Holtz joke that he does a great impression of. I wish I had it to play. But yeah, this guy, obviously, he says...

Free world in pick six is a couple of years ago when he played. He came into the game. Gay Valley, he didn't have the interception in the end zone. But he converted the fourth down. He didn't play badly. And then he put Jefferson back in the game. You can't go your quarterbacks. Bottom line, you've got to have your guy.

He's your starting quarterback. He's your starting quarterback. Oh, that's the bottom line. Put in Russell Shuffer. He was a quarterback in high school. Runs the options of... Okay. Wow.

So passionate. Yeah, they're very passionate. They're very passionate. It doesn't limit it because the players are confused. If you're an offensive line, you're confused in the huddle. Who's coming in as pass protection? You've got to know what's going on. Yes, you do.

I've only played all the five for 20 years. Hey, I've only coached for 33. But let me tell you this. You're in the huddle. And he said, right? X-23. What? The other guy said, right?

X-23. What are you going to do? It's the same play. It's the same... Oh, God. My name will be me. My name will be me. My name will be me.

My name will be me. My name will be me. My name will be me. My name will be me. My name will be me. My name will be me. My name will be me. And I had to get it.

I know he's an old guy, and he's a professional, right? He's a coach, or he's been a coach. And I respect the man for that. But I think, in broadcasting, if you're on television, the bare minimum, is you need to speak clearly so that the audience can understand you. Am I right? Yeah. It helps.

Bare minimum, bros. Remember that bass at hound, too, on 60 minutes? Morrli deadhead. Mh-hmmm. He was on Death's Door before he finally gave up on his career. Yeah. It's so vain. You know, it's just so narcissistic.

Yeah. Why do you have to be on TV like that? You're not even, you can't even talk anymore. You look like shit. That Morrli Safer, remember his bottom eyelid was drooping like you could see the red part, like a dog? He really looked like a bass at hound. Yeah.

He was, he looked so unhealthy. He didn't look so good. No. No. Oh. Yeah, Morrli. Good old Morrli Safer. Remember his opinion, his opinion pieces?

That was the other guy. The other guy at the end? Yeah. What was that? I liked that guy. The guy at the end was okay. But he was an old dog, too, when they put him out to pasture. Oh, fucking.

What was that fucker's name? And then I got a thing to say about surrender. And another thing. Yeah. He was always cheesed off about silly things. Oh, man. You're making me really fucking upset right now that I can't remember who this is. I can't remember either.

That's how memorable he was. When are they calling a pencil when you put your lead in? Andy Rooney. Andy Rooney, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They gave Andy 30 seconds at the end of the show to say something. They started to give him less and less.

That's right. I like who by the end of the series with him. And he would do his... There's all these things happening now. And I don't like any of them. These teenage girls are having trouble getting fucked. They're talking these horror voices. Tonight, Andy has a case of water on the brain.

Talk salt. Yeah, that old dog. A lot of people aren't drinking the water that comes out of their faucet these days. The bottled water has become a $9 billion business. This is one of the most popular, Poland spring water. It isn't Polish, it's from Poland Spring, Maine. This pint costs $1.35 in the CBS cafeteria. Now just think about that.

There are eight pints in a gallon. So if your car ran on water instead of on gas and you had to fill a 15 gallon tank with this, it would cost $162 to fill your tank with water. Avion says it's the official bottled water of the U.S. Open. Beechnut added fluoride to its water if you have a craving for fluoride. So you mean he's ripping the lid off the scam that is the bottled water industry. No one's thought about that one yet. Thank you.

Thank you, Andy. You got to run out of shit 30 years on that show. For sure. You had to find controversy. It's a long time, man. You got to be angry at nothing at that point. So there's other stuff we can get into, but I feel like there's that big song. Oh, we didn't even have time to get into that, but I felt like this was Shane Lee's moment.

This was really about him. Playing some other music almost would take away from how monumentally good he was. Well, next week we go international with our music theme. We don't want to give it away, but it's going to be pretty amazing. Yeah, it's going to be pretty crazy. I dug up. I don't know if this ever even played. Obi-Wan Canole sent us a song, a two short mix.

You know, the G mix, you know what I'm saying? So we should probably play that. I would love it. I don't remember if we've even heard that. What a killer episode. We have Obi-Wan Canole and the Ghost Crew song. Ghost Crew song and Shane stole the show. And Shane, duh.

It's too bad we had to talk about Rocco pulling back, but... Pulling out of the business, so to speak. Pulling out, so to speak. He pulled out so many times that this is his last shot. That's too bad. I wonder if there's going to be, if they're going to honor, like they honor Andy Rooney's final appearance on 60 Minutes. Right.

If there'll be the last shot of Rocco, you know? Or like a retrospective of all of his work at the ABNs. And it's just him ejaculating over and over. There's got to be Rocco compilations. People have done that before. Where it's just him just being amazing, you know? Yeah. Just doing him.

Yeah. Yeah. Tragedy. All right. All right, Jeans. We love you. Bye, Jeans. Keep them up high.

Keep them high. Bye, Jeans. Bye, Mommy. Bye, Mommy. Bye. Bye. How are you, bitch? I want to teach you to serve.

Life was too short, but now it's kind of funky. I make the beats. Me and my homies. Newspaper reporters always ask me why I'm extroverted and I rap so nasty. When I was a teen, I did nothing else. But pick up a pen and express myself. The things I wrote when I was simply kind of dirty. But mama always said the truth could hurt you.

She also said that it would set me free. I guess she was all IGHT on the nail. Cause now I'm out making a man. It all started out from a freaky tail. If that's what's still, I'ma stick with it. Short dog ain't changing so forget it. You can sell out if you funk too, honey. But I'ma stay short, but funky.

Don't stop. Just call it verse two. It's short dog, baby. It's dangerous proof. Not your average every day. Rappin' the mic rock. I might say somethin' that you love with him like so. But don't play it loud.

She put down the Z. But you can play this with this great PG. When I'm rated X, I'm just fattin' with mine. I bring a smile to each and every one. To build a serious side with everything I say. Life is too short for you to work to the next day. Straighten up your life when you can start right here. Drop the cocaine and the bottles of beer.

People always say they ain't right to preach. But take my advice and get wise and reach for the sky. So you can love like a king and homie. And I'ma stay short, but funky. All right. How are you, boys? I wanna teach you the serve. The serve.

See, I don't trip on fucks if I jog too short. Plus the couch was flat. What would I look like dancin' on the stage? I wave my hand and do it like the old days. But some dumb fools wanna take it out of hand. With 50 million dancers and a big old band that ain't me. I'm from the old school. Play the instrumental, get the mic and the cruise.

I'm a old-time man who's like that song. It all comes out in my records and my state show. In my category, I'm the one and only. And I'ma stay short, but funky. Thank you.