Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 290-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 29, 2015

It's true that Choosy Mom's Choose Jif, but REAL Mom's do too. Are you REAL?? ChristJeansa and Tommy return from his birth city and they have some stories. Plane dumps and did you know that coconut butter can be used as a lubricant? Tom's family has tested it.  Pastor Manning lets us inside Starbucks secrets - just how much semen are they putting in your drink?  We have highlights from our LIVE show in Cincy with Geoff Tate AKA Denim on Denim AKA Hot Dogs and Gatorade for LYFE. You'll find out how many hot dogs he's been eating.  We haven't heard back yet from Gloria Estefan, but we're hoping by putting our song out there that she will respond soon.  Love,  The Miami Fart Machine

We're gonna be so working on town We're gonna be so working on town We're buying tops to get greasy Listening to weakly, downloading from fucks sake This shit should be easy, it's been a few times to go Pants high and white down with disinfected bathwites That's right, too lovely to discuss, poor weekend Writing a house, put the same shit you got on a set

Fuck you, and the friendly, they laughin' till you get up and ran Droppin', who's talkin' shit? Your mama's in the fuckin' stands, don't give a story Retarding, retarded, big words, it's worthless It's been taken, judged, disturbed You know we're poor, they try to disrespect me in my house And grab the fuck, grab the fuck, remote control How's your mama?

She's good, likes the bourbon though How's your mama? She says it's just a go-to show How's your mama's in there? Good, the fuck you think? How's your mama's in there? Pull up the seat How's your mama's in there?

You love that girl, don't you, man? How's your mama's in there? This shit is big, time How's your mama's in there? He's like a new old, but that's not recorded How's your mama's in there? That should happen in the New Zealander Airport How's your mama's in there?

TheMomsHousePodcast.com How's your mama's in there? How's your mama's in there? Grab the fucker! How's your mama's in there? Whoa! I like that song a lot Joe Double

Always the Joe Double He did the God, he's good He is good He did the OG, the original first shit we ever got The first shit, different toilet we ever got was from Joe Double Yeah, the original one

and he sampled me going Is there anything worse than a white rapper? Yeah, he did That's the best Yeah, that's good Keep those, you know, we'd love when you guys submit When you give us songs, you're original I mean, some people obviously take it to another level

I love all the listener artwork All the listener, we'll get into it But in SINCY, we got T-shirts that said Wipegate We got two denim shirts with our names embroidered on them From SINCY Kid George From SINCY Kid George You got a hat too, that said Oh my god

Yeah, NL squared, never low, never loose Never low, never low, never loose lifestyle Do you remember who gave that to us? Shit That was fucking incredible And then Brooke gave us a Creighton Barrel card Thank you so much, Brooke, for the gift cards Very kind of you

We're looking forward to buying I can't believe that we love Creighton Barrel Lots of yuppie crap from them Yeah I love that damn store But I feel like I do feel guilty spending money there So I love the gift certificate Check it out

I'm going to, well, technically Greenwood Village It's south of Denver But I'm there this week So Comedy Works I'm at the South Club, which is the big building Believe me, there's tickets available Okay It's a lot of seats to fill six times

So come out and see me if you're in that area You're there, I'm sorry, what days are you there? This Wednesday through Saturday Nobody knows what that means Oh, you're having trouble with the actual dates Sorry Okay, I am at that club What is today?

27th Is it November? Today is November 27th, yeah It's April 2018 It's April Today is April I'm there at 29th of April

The 30th of April, May 1st and May 2nd There you go Now they understand, now they know And then Sunday, and Full Charges would be all week The Cossiers, your baby's father And then Sunday, he and I go to Salt Lake City To do the club that I think is sold out It's awesome

Yeah, that's Sunday's show You guys are going to have a blast together You want to know what's not sold out, babe? Can I ask you that? What's that? Next Wednesday in Chattanooga, the comedy catch It's not close to sold out Does anybody here live in Tennessee in Chattanooga?

Or near it? Can you please come to that show? A few hours of driving Because they've given me phone calls about it They're like, do people see you over? Oh, no So, please come out to that Well, you know, maybe YMH, not Tremendous in the South

In Chattanooga, I don't know But the next day after that, Nashville Which is a big mommy town I've been there That's the 7th, 8th and 9th And then on the 10th, I do Asheville, North Carolina New Mountain Theater

That should be fun And they asked me to tell you Remind people, I am going to Fartnix Phoenix, Arizona Is that how you say it, Phoenix? It is Fartnix, you had to write it the first time Sorry One show only in June

And Las Vegas the day after I believe that's the 11th and 12th of June All those tickets, they're at TomSegura.com Please scoop them up And let's have a good time I'm bringing a lot of cool people on the road to these shows So, it'll be fun Jeans?

That is the key, isn't it? We had Pat Keen with us this weekend And he was just amazing I'm chilling in LA, you guys For the month of May Just doing local spots I'll be at the comedy store a bunch this month If you're local, come out to the store

It's awesome right now They've really revitalized the comedy store Man, Joe Rogan's down there a bunch Like Louis C.K.'s doing a bunch of drop-ins Anyway, June 18th or 21st I said that wrong June 18th, June 19th, June 20th June 21st, Denver, Improv

And Denver, Colorado So I'll be there like a month after you Jeans Oh wow Geez And then, you know Let's not go too far into the future Yeah, but they all know It's 1000 Ranch.com for Christina

I forgot that was my website That's a good name I'm very clever And TomSegura.com for me Hey, follow us on Twitter At TomSegura at ChristinaP2 If you don't already I can't imagine if you're a real mommy

Or not on Twitter with us That was good, Jeans You did a really good job Thanks, Jeans You ready to do this? I've shaken back on my face I got shaken back all over my body I wish you would, extra crispy

Here we go Let's go, Time Jeans Okay Hey, it's a jungle out there I know Did you get everything I asked for? Right down to the fresh baked muffins Great

What's that? Jif I figured you're so choosy about everything else I already have a big name peanut butter Hey, I grew up on Jif It's peanut here Oh, come on Do me a favor

Smell yours It's okay Now, Jif Hey, it's like fresh peanuts Right, taste yours Fine Now, Jif Wow

It tastes more like fresh peanuts We bet it does We have a new peanut butter Hey, am I a hero or what? You're not going to send your shopping more often Thanks For more fresh roasted peanut taste Choosy moms choose Jif

This is big time Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this Your mom in the fucking stand Welcome Welcome to your mom's house With Tom Segura Tom Segura

Christina Pajitz Christina Pajitz Christina Pajitz Welcome to your mom's house A I don't know where you found That communist propaganda But I don't buy it

Hmmm How do you feel about that? I don't like it Yeah I don't like it I remember escaping commercials Much better Yeah I don't think so

It was like Skippy Skippy Eat it and you'll get laid No That was the skippy song You only need to remember one thing about Jif And it kind of decides where you fall forever

Choosy moms, choose Jif Oh you're saying they're fans of your mom's house? Clearly That's how they came up with the slogan You know they should They could change it And then you would be shut down forever What if they made it real moms?

Choose Jif Oh my god they're like If your jeans are high and tight You choose Jif I'd have to switch What's with the jeans? That's Joe Oh my gosh that's funny

What's with the jeans? I love that That was my favorite moment Yeah I mean That's bullshit first of all It's not You like trash I do like

Maybe I do like a little trash We just had First of all A supremely white trash dinner Because we just came home Today from Cincinnati And I went to the grocery store I got us some shake and bite

Extra crispy That's the longest fucking day Today was so long huh? Both travel days were the worst Jesus fuck it was bad It was bad We slept like two hours Got woke up at

What is it 6 am And then your stomach's all churning And you're gonna throw up Return the car Get on the fucking plane Oh and then I got the middle seat That wouldn't recline Do you know that

I didn't tell you at the time That I thought he had one of those devices on it What do you mean what devices? You can put a device You have to be a real psychopath to do this But you can buy a device That makes it so that The seat in front of you doesn't recline

You clip it on That's why the flat attendant looked too I don't know if you noticed But she did a little Shut up Yeah yeah because Then he was like Oh mine doesn't go back either

You're in front of the exit row Stupid It's not supposed to go back ding dong That's why he Mine doesn't go back I mean hers probably doesn't go back And I was like That doesn't make sense

There's a device you can buy That prevents you from It's a real crazy person's thing to buy But yeah Shit you don't know Because then you have to clip it on And then I mean it's inevitable

That someone's gonna see it And then you're like Well I bought it So don't fucking recline your seat I don't want you to recline Yeah well That was pretty miserable And then

I tried to sleep sitting perfectly upright Which is horrifying Yeah it was terrible Then I laid on your lap for a while And then Oh man Yeah it was bad Long day guys

But anyway we came home Woke up Went to the grocery store Made some shake and bake Made some Kraft macaroni and cheese Like I like with the powder It was good I gotta say

Your white trash ways are Bringing me over And we had canned corn Like I actually prefer canned corn too To fresh corn The niblets To corn on the cob But you like your shrimp nibblers too

I don't like shrimp I've never had a shrimp nibbler You love shrimp nibblers I'm kind of opposed to the idea Of the shrimp nibbler From White Castle No way You told me like

There's White Castle since then It's good shrimp nibblers But you said when you got there I don't Do you trust shrimp From any fast food establishment? No come on I'm a

I'm a fresh water kid Like I lived on the water On one coast And moved to the other one So I don't even eat seafood If I'm not near the water Oh me too When we were in the Midwest

And people were like Let's get sushi I'm like get your life Get your life You gotta be kidding me I ain't doing that Uh uh uh I don't know

You better get your life Not happening Uh by the way That skippy jiff thing It's so silly It's the realest And I gotta tell you something We had a really great opportunity

Last night was it Yeah it was last night That was last night That was last night Oh my god it was Fucking We were in Cincinnati Many thanks to everybody

That came out to see Christina To do her stand-up live Yeah thanks I had such a blast I had the best time this week The club was so fun Go bananas is outstanding They really get it The crowds get it

Pat Keen was with us It was super fun Mikey, Marty The whole fucking crew They're fantastic Ronnie, Donnie, Mickey and Mike Randy and Jimmy and Bobby and Curly All of them

Sue and Bob Nancy and of course Emily and Gartanian Maggie and Martavius They're all great But anyways we got to do The podcast there

Crazy Moms in Ohio Waldoal Moms Waldoal Denim And it was fun Because while we were there I got to See we have these disagreements Sometimes and it's just

You and I in a room like this Yeah We're at home You know? Who gets to decide? They decide They email us Sure

This time we got to ask people Right in the moment Get an answer You got to pull them On Skippy or Jiff Okay Listen Yeah get on Moms choose Jiff

Fuck that shit Okay ratchet Which of you piece of shit Like Skippy Who likes Jiff? You know It's upsetting Did you prompt them?

I think you prepped them up I absolutely did not And came up because Oh right Well it was so overwhelmingly for Jiff It was like it was planted I don't buy that Yeah right

Go to your fucking corner How is this happening? Fuck You know what? You belong in Cleveland Get the fuck out of here That's a Skippy city Sorry Cleveland nothing personal

Just you know just jokes in the moment I agree We don't have any shit in there Did you hear that? Did you hear that? No I didn't either Do you realize how not close it is? Do you realize?

I don't understand This shows me What type of childhood we're dealing with Extreme deprivation Yeah deprivation is not fair I can't believe this Are you guys being honest here? Why do you think Skippy sucks that much?

I mean smash you there Do you prefer I don't have any money I'm so crazy I don't use my story mom bought it You know I got used to eating I personally like the Skippy I like the low fat kind

I like my shaky cheese I like ragu A traditional not the me kind They're the worst Alright you bougie fuckers Alright what about Okay who's for ragu? Okay what about prego?

You're bougie Unbelievable what about my prego? See that's called a split Yeah That gypsy shit That gypsy shit I mean you're basically like Hey let's fucking bomb another building in New York

Alright I can't hear anymore That's why it's upsetting Well I just wanted to make it clear That there's no competition No it's upsetting I don't I think you prompted them I think you said something beforehand I actually did not

Choosy moms choose gypsy No I don't Yeah Skippy's fantastic gypsy You were there I had a microphone I couldn't have prompted them before They gave you the real They gave you the real vote

Look I'm open to trying Your bougie gif We'll see Let's just see But not chunky right We're smooth we're a smooth family Oh my god Yeah I'll break my teeth out on that

Crunchy No that crunchy shit is for real animals I mean street walkers eat the crunch stuff Yeah it looks like diarrhea I don't like it I don't want that either No no no Yeah so it's settled

Skippy's garbage Maybe just for Cincinnati Maybe Cincinnati is just such a well to do city That everybody grew up You know in a two parent household Eating gif and hugging each other all the time And you know watching 3's company And drinking water

We didn't do all that Real moms choose gif Real mommies only You know what it says It says choosy moms Not real moms It sounds to me actually like cunty moms Choose gif

Woah Yeah cause she sounds like a real cunt In the advertisement She's like She's like Right did you get what I asked for Did you get what I asked And he goes

Yeah yeah down to the muffins you dumb bitch Yeah she's kind of a bitch She's a bitch Yeah and she's like Goodbye to you Forever cause I have your job Yep This came in

I don't know how you found this Yeah it was a listener submission This was Get ya chat Yeah say to you honey Honey Say to you get the manager over here I want the manager

See how long you have your job sweetie Who the hell do you think you are Who the hell do you think you are I'm the customer That's who the hell I am This was recorded at a post office Right And Jean when you hear this

What does it remind you of It reminds you to use stamps.com That's right Stamps.com everybody Because why deal with this You know and so We'll see when your job comes up for review That's your job

That's your job sweetie That's your job To your job That's your job You go to hell first bitch You think he just didn't get the stamps What he wanted You think he got American Eagles

Instead of hearts or something I think he wanted the dogs of 2015 And the puppies stamps and they were out And she was like We're out and he was like That's your job Sweetie He's so east coast

This is so east coast This guy lives next door to Peter Cain This is his neighborhood It's Brooklyn I think Of course They're the worst Now They're the worst

This guy It's your job I like how they repeat things Crazy people like to repeat stuff You think tagging it every sentence was Sweetie Sweetie Was meant to be endearing

It's your job Sweetie Sweetie Yeah Beautiful Jeans Bitch Get the manager out here

Lunch Absolutely on my plate One thousand percent Simply as you come to me I have her job The idea that you control someone's job I can understand when I speak to the manager When you're like

I got your job And we'll see how you deal with it You don't control people's jobs Not really Like one crazy person Is gonna get this woman fired It's because he's crazy That he thinks he has her job

He's got a kind of entitlement thing here Yeah I mean things don't go your way It's your job I do wonder That's your job What could he possibly be upset There's like five things you can do

At the post office You got your stamps Right You get your postage You can retrieve mail From when you've been on vacation There's a PO box What is he so fucking fired up about

No, no, no Maybe he was on vacation He came back and She's like I can get your mail And he was like That's your job That's your job, sweetie

Yeah, maybe Could have been I'm not getting your mail Yeah And then it's like Hey man, go to stamps.com Get your own mail Get your own mail

She's not even working much along How dare she look at how much she thinks she is What the hell do you think you are? I'm a fucking stupid bitch That's from behind the glass Then you can hear her going Who the hell do you think you are? Stupid bitch

He really annunciates Bitch Job Call for this girl There you go I can read that you go wrong Yeah, the customer's always right Customer's not always right

Not in all the time Especially when it comes to post office They don't give a fuck about the customer Well, not me, but the customer's just not always right I mean, any situation No, I mean, I've worked plenty of customer service gigs There's a lot of times they're way wrong Something tells me this customer's never right

This fucking guy He's a crazy person He's an asshole Yeah Goodbye to you Forever I have your job Yeah, thanks to you, honey

Thanks to you Get the manager over here I want the manager See how long you have your job, sweetie He does like to make one syllable words Into mono Yes Slavic

Is that the right word? Multi I don't know Hey, yeah Yeah The job Over here So weedy

Goodbye forever, honey Who does that sound like? Oh, it reminds me of our old landlord and landlady And her Jose He's got a huge cock on him He's hung like a horse We have anal all the time He blows my asshole out

That's why we're married so long, sweetie Yeah, because she would say sweetie Sweetie Oh, my God You should see the cock on Jose She doesn't say that Yeah, you could It's like a weightlifting bench

It's incredible We had the cutest landlords Back when we lived in the ghetto I mean, we lived in We lived in like the Rampart district It's horrible It was a rough time for the jeans But they were the cutest

Jose What's with the jeans? Yeah, Mary had a long pony tail And Linda was this cute little petite blonde And every time she came over I was cooking something And she would always find a way to eat whatever it is I'd just cooked

She would eat like a hundred pounds She was tiny though Oh, is that Spana Coppita? Yeah From Trader Joe's I'm like, yeah, would you like some, Linda? I couldn't possibly And then she would eat like the whole tray

She'd eat the tray, yeah But they were adorable Yeah She's like, the water's back there Yeah, so we would have like Nothing worked in this building Like my favorite was Surprise

One time, it's like July, August, and LA It's like 105 every day And I wake up sweating And there's just warm air Because that's central air in this building Coming out of the van I was like, oh my god, I'm gonna die Call Jose comes up and he's like

Yeah, look at the air conditioner And they need to put some freon in there And I go, okay, he's like But my air conditioning guy He don't work today He works on Wednesdays So he'll have to come on Wednesday And it was Friday and I was like

Could you call another guy? Nah, because that guy works on Wednesday And I was like, okay So it was five days like that Sure, Jose wasn't really a problem solver He was a problem identifier Like he would come over And I remember the sink was clogged up

And he's like, the sink is clogged up Because the water won't go down It's all clogged up And I'm like, yeah And he would explain that If I unclog it All the water will go down But until then

That water's gonna stay there And I got it We know, bro, that's why we called you Because the problem, then you walk away He'd stop and be like His water's just sitting there Because the drain's clogged But then if I go ahead

And I put a snake down there Get the clog out And the water's gonna go right down Yeah, we know That's why we called you The whole principle of the fucking clog Makes sense to us now Yeah, you're supposed to fix it

Thanks, could you just fix it, please? That's your job! That's your job! Sweetie! He was sweet though, they were sweet people That really made up for a lot of the building Being crummy And then it got bought by crazy Russians

And then we had to leave That's it, when the Russian mafia buys your shit You gotta leave Can I have a sip of your kombucha? Sure I love this stuff It really makes you burp How was your shits today, by the way?

Today? Today was fine, I guess I don't like that You don't like that? Ew, what is that? Is that gasoline flavored? You told me to get brostrary It doesn't taste right

Tastes right to me Jesus Christ You drank that? Did it go tss? When you opened it, or was it flat? No, it's... It's... Kind of smells like a gym locker, doesn't it?

Yeah, I like it It's like assholes and balls And feet Smells good That's your flavor? He's aware that I'm leaking right now No, you took a shit on the airplane That was on the way to Cincinnati

That was terrible Thursday That was Friday That was Friday Oh shit, that's right We were only gone a couple of days I know, when Amir brought FIFA back I was like, let's see, we were in Goss's Tuesday

It took me a minute to figure out that it wasn't that long Very disorienting It really is Yeah So you shit on the plane It was horrible It was a horrible, horrible thing that happened I got...

We were stuck Because they were fucking fixing something And they were like, we need the paperwork signed off Yeah, the pilots always tell you So when we get that paperwork, we're out of here What's with the paperwork in the airlines? I know, man And then we just sat there

And then I could have held it For like an hour But then We sat on the runway So anyways, 36,000 feet, I took a shit That's good And how was it? Terrible

I mean, it wasn't a bad shit It's just that shitting on a plane is a terrible experience I've only done it once on the way to Africa Remember when I sharded? Yeah I don't know actually if I've only done it once But I haven't done it many times It's very hard

I mean, I got the shit out fine And it was normal But you don't get to like, I don't know I didn't feel clean and happy You know what you should have done? Taking a shower? Yep On the plane

You should have put your butt in the sink Something tells me that See how good that feels, just thinking about it That water's hot Yeah, that would have really cleaned it, huh? Damn it Ah, next time Live and learn

Remember we got the rental car And I was like wiping my ass in the rental car Yeah Yeah, because you're like, ah, it's real gamey back there It's real gamey This is why I go to the shower right after This is what started WipeGate Is this exact thing where you wipe, you wipe, you wipe, you wipe

And there's always, it just feels like there's always something there Yeah You know, so I got a shower Interesting Yeah, so we went to the rental car place Then you go, I got to go wipe my butt And then you go away And I'm standing there talking to the guy

Trying to make chit-chat And you take like hours, of course Hours He's abandoned me Yeah, sure Sure Everything was fine Yeah

Fine Um, Jeans We got Ooh This, uh This email about Deciphering what a gentleman was saying that we played on the show before Oh

You wanna get into it? Please All right, you guys know Moe's Customs Yo, camera man The fuck you on the live at Moe's fucking fire Oh, you pussy, the niggas gonna say Yeah, man, I'm ringing Man, I don't even sweat that fuck shit, man

Like I say, I bodied them hoes, my niggas Gonna continue to bodied them hoes with the cunt Come at, that ain't shit So we played this for you guys and Kind of, we did our take on it and people wrote in But then Somebody actually wrote In an amazing summary

Of what was said by moe A translation Yeah, it just Another way of saying it, if you will And I'll give you the beginning of the clip again And then Tell you what this

What this says here Yo, camera man The fuck you on the live at Moe's fucking fire Oh, you pussy, the niggas gonna say Yeah, man, I'm ringing Man, I don't even sweat that fuck shit, man Like I say, I bodied them hoes, my niggas Gonna continue to bodied them hoes with the cunt

Come at, that ain't shit You ain't seen your son fit that I ain't lying, hit that bitch Man, the What they said, they saying is Is the camera on? Okay I represent my neighborhood proudly

I have no respect for my much weaker competitors I disregard them because I am superior to them And I will continue to succeed against them My adversaries constantly check my progress So if they are watching me now they can see That I am immensely successful And shown by the fact That I have enough disposable income

To purchase expensive dental accessories What? I raise the blue bitch They expect the flood Oh, you ho-head niggas Watching the niggas But shit, they motherfucking grindin' out Ain't one of these hoes grindin' out

That is some hundred dollars, bitch They gon' continue grindin' the bitch By the world Because what the fuck you on the niggas I'm gon' get the goddamn money I'll continue to get the goddamn money Ain't shit None of y'all can do it by the bitch

We login' by my niggas Fuck, we'll take the Claude Ray God damn me Claude Blaine What's that on the stand Where I'm goin' through back Pain, champagne, baby My motherfucking pain

I do this shit I do this shit for real, nigga Or you pushin' it Wanna talk, grind Fuck niggas Said to push that down, nigga We'll shit it out right here, bitch I earn large amounts of currency

And I plan to continue doing so Regardless of my naysayers I currently reside in Fort Worth, Texas But I am originally from Florida Most people do not understand what circumstances I had to overcome to enjoy my current success I toast champagne to it regularly to celebrate I really wish that those who do not approve of me

Would refrain from discussing my actions Before they suffer repercussions I will continue to be successful in my endeavors Will you read the rest of it? Hold on, I don't know where you were Oh, endeavors, yeah, I saw the word, holy I feel that I have made my point And I will now direct my efforts

Into gaining the interest of this beautiful young lady Oh, wait, one moment So we can actually hear some of this Oh, sure Yeah, I knew a lot of the motherfuckin' five We can shit all day every motherfuckin' day Man, look at that yellow mountaintop Look at that motherfuckin' yellow

That motherfuckin' yellow, man What a news That's what we do right here, man That's what we do, man Get money I'll even put in yolks That's the money Money, money, everything

It's the only motherfuckin' thing Remember, tell them fuck me the same, nigga Yeah, he is good But he ain't geek Bitch, I'm a steak geek Oh, wait, no What, no? Steak geek, bitch, I'm gonna geek

It's motherfuckin' money About the goddamn squeeze and the squeeze I love them And I love these, these most customs Most customs Hopefully she will see that I can offer financial stability My detractors are concerned with

my high level of motivation Well, they must know that I will remain motivated at a very high level I am very comfortable in my environment and I encourage each of you to patronize most customs for any of your tire or wheel needs I have absolutely no respect for any of you that wish for my downfall

and if you have the courage you can personally address your issue with me Good evening to you Love you guys Oh, no, that's... Oh, that's the translator wrote that Thank you Who was that? Karsten McNeil?

Karsten McNeil on Twitter Alright, here's the end of it Yes, come get some wheels Come get some motherfuckin' wheels That most customs, baby That's what we do To get the most screens of most customs, man That them pussy ass niggas

Or that only understand the high level You don't know what I've been through, motherfuckin' niggas Feel my pain, shall I pay it for it, baby? Well, fuck, black bar, the roads ain't been allowed Shot Florida, baby All in your motherfuckin' face, nigga Put a sad niggas You don't wanna see me

Sad niggas, how the teeth blind? Fuck niggas Come on, nigga 17, 15, come see me, ho Come see me, ho They gotta be like, no Facebook, nigga Take this shit for real, nigga Don't mind your motherfuckin' business, ho

For real Lying with motherfuckin' fire over there Come on over here Hmm That's pretty intense That speech That was very spirited It was spirited

Very spirited Very spirited Well, that's a really good translation Yeah Um Hey, so we saw your aunts and uncle You're right, we did Um, and we, they had their 40th wedding anniversary

How adorable is that? So cute 40 years together We went to their house, they live in Cincinnati still And, um, we had breakfast with them She made waffles? Made waffles and eggs I've never had a better egg

I swear to God, it's the best egg It's a perfect, basted egg You realize that? Yeah, she cooked it to perfection It's perfect My only problem is she She said the coconut oil? Well, that's what the toast

Right, so she started to like She pulled out the coconut butter Because she was like, do you, and she asked me Like, do you want this? And I was like, yeah, sure And she goes, have you tried coconut butter? No Well, it's good for your joints

It's good for your cholesterol It's good for your skin And You can use it as a lubricant And she said this as she's scraping it out of the jar And putting it on toast And I'm like, what? I dropped my fork

And my uncle's like laughing And I was like, wow How does she use it? It has like the coconut shaving in it Well, even as she said that I thought it was an opportunity to go I was like, well, today's your 40th anniversary Maybe you can give it a shot

And she goes, we already have I'm so gross Yeah, I'm not a fan of that coconut butter stuff No I didn't like the taste of it It kind of was weird I didn't, I thought she had put it on It didn't bother me

As much as it bothered you I really didn't like it It wasn't on the eggs But she insisted on putting it on toast It's very strong It's a very strong odor Yeah Taste

Yeah, I'm not a fan Coconut I'm very selective with I only like your wrapped in chocolate You know, coconut's kind of weird tasting Yeah, it is They're so cute though I can't get over how cute they are Coconut water tastes like gum

I don't like it Maybe that's why I use it as lubricant Because it's already kind of There you go They are cute What do you think we'll be like At 40 years of marriage? I think pretty much the same

Except you'll be, you know You'll be probably gassier Me? You, yeah I doubt that You don't think you will be? I think you're gonna be No, I don't think so

I think I'll be a sweet old man And you'll be like Put your dick between your legs No I think you're gonna regress To just shitting in the living room Why would I shit in the living room? Because we're gonna get that

We're gonna get so comfortable by then Comfortable With each other We're comfortable Yeah, but we don't brown In front of each other yet No, isn't that crazy As much as we talk about brown

We don't do that I'm comfortable not doing that too By the way I don't want to see it Bad enough that I had to smell it In the hotel this weekend That was terrible You did not smell it

It was horrible Yeah But to see you doing it Oh my God It's pretty bad, right? Oh my gosh Oh my gosh Oh my gosh

I'm so embarrassed right now I'm so embarrassed Did I fart in front of you? Oh, I've never done that before God, I hope you don't think That that's something I normally do That's the best part of that It's like

Oops I'm not that type of lady If you thought I was Oopsie Why don't you tell me exactly What causes that kind of fart? Oh, and then your father Summoned me to the phone

Yeah, and you got a really cool Detail from him, right? Something that you didn't know before And you're like, oh wow Well, what's really weird So I was at your uncle and aunt's house I was in the bathroom And I came out

And your uncle Dave was like Top Dog wants to talk to you And I'm like, what? Top Dog never specifically requests To speak to me I usually just get handed the phone When you're talking to him And he gets on

And he's like I got Christina I go, yeah Hey Top Dog Remember I was constipated A while back And I was like, yeah I do remember

It's big news in our house And I go, have you been drinking your water? And he's like, yes, yes And he says he's been eating his probiotics And stuff And then he started telling me About this enema That they give people that have

Bad bacteria in their guts He's so gross He goes, they can put They can put somebody's healthy brown In an enema And then shove it up your butt in an enema If you have bad guts And then it helps balance out your guts

Oh my gosh So gross And I was like, alright Thanks Top Dog I don't know what to make of this one That's really foul, man It's a lot It's a lot to hear

That is really foul But I did read about that And what those people Did Yeah, they get paid to do it But the thing is Everyone's like, oh I can get paid to take a shit You have to be really healthy

That's how they qualify for that Like you gotta be eating It's pretty much It's clean living All the time That's why your poo is so valuable Really? Like just vegetables

Like vegan kale I don't know about vegan But yeah You're not eating processed garbage You're eating healthy food So tonight's dinner would probably Disqualify us It would just tonight

Other than tonight We'd be fine Yeah We haven't done this in a long time I know I'm sad that we haven't Because I really love these Yeah

This is a dental update This one came in a while back And Tom and I have been reeling at it Pretty good He says, hi mommy Tom And shower shitter Tina Very nice I went to my first ever dentist appointment

I am 30 That's insane As a kid My parents never took me to a dentist As I never had two fakes or dental insurance Sad As a grown ass man I have had dental insurance for the past seven years

But was always scared of needles in my grill Well no kidding They never took you to dentist as a kid Of course you'd be terrified Yeah Well on Monday my gums were bleeding And that is when I decided to make an appointment He means they're just bleeding out of nowhere

Fuck How bad Jesus Is your situation when they're like Everything's fine And then one day your gums are just bleeding Just bleeding out of nowhere? Good

Like you're just eating a burrito And then they're bleeding The dentist assistant said I had fair teeth Considering I never have been to a dentist That's good I have seven cavities Minor ones too

As I do not need to have my teeth filled in What? Oh I know Sometimes you have cavities Like natural cavities And they don't do shit about it Anyways the reason why my gums were bleeding And sore was because I have tartar

Which the dentist had to do a deep cleaning On my half right side And I have another appointment on Saturday for the left half Oh jeez I saw pictures for the tartar on my teeth And boy are they disgusting Oh god I'm gonna vomit Yeah you gotta go

That's the thing guys If you don't do your regular cleanings You gotta do that deep cleaning And that costs You know my dad They wanted my dad to do it His Hungarian dentist sold the practice To these Iranian guys

And these Iranian dentists told my dad That he needed a deep cleaning And they go oh it's $600 And my dad goes fuck you fuck your fucking cleaning And he laughed and he didn't do it And how'd that end up? I don't know Probably has to find a new Hungarian dentist

Because the Persians wanted to charge him that? Yeah he thinks it's because they're Persian But I don't know $600 is a lot of money to get Your teeth cleaned? Yeah Yeah That's a lot of dough What's the difference between a deep cleaning

And a cleaning Well it's about $500 difference Give me a break It's the same tools right? Yeah it's kinda crazy Yeah it's bullshit We got another one Dear main mommy Tommy

Thank you sir for correctly addressing me Rude My name is Pepper And I live in Mississippi Oh pepper I haven't brushed my teeth in three years Pepper I started slacking on my chomper

Shortly after I graduated high school in 2009 I went from brushing twice a day To once a day From once a day to every other day Until I decided fuck it You know what I'm saying? Nope It hasn't really been a problem

My teeth look fine My breath doesn't smell Yes it does I don't waste money on toothbrushes And all that bullshit Okay Everything has just kind of worked itself out Uh huh

You feel me? I don't understand y'all's obsession with dental hygiene Is this a real fucking message? Well we wrote to him Oh You could save so much time and money By letting your Steve Harvey's go all natural You know what I mean?

That's stupid My genes stay starkastically high and painfully tight I'm pimp squad for life Just not down with the dental updates P.S. I also get down with the no wipe shower shits It's only smells bro Grow up Hmm

So We did reply Are you being serious? You haven't brushed since 2009 And he wrote back What did he write back? I started doing it less in 2009 Stopped in 2011

And then he wrote another one Yeah I don't know I just figured out I could get away with it and stopped I don't feel smell or see a difference Nobody has ever said anything about my mouth Looking or smelling shitty So fuck it

It's useless But here's what I'm trying to say Is that your body Our bodies Human bodies are resilient It's not gonna break down like that In a week or even a year But you're setting yourself up

For disaster What's gonna happen is Your young guy You graduated in 2009 from high school So You know Things are not gonna be really rotting For a while

Right? Yeah You're probably what? Like 24 or something? Yeah But if you keep this up You're gonna be sending us an email At 34 and you're like

Oh shit I just had $18,000 in dental shit done Yeah you got a brush You have to And let me tell you something And I know a couple of people that did it by the way And they did it young like him I know two guys

One guy that didn't brush his teeth for seven years Wait what? Yeah And you know You have met one and you know about both I've told you What? Yes

And one of them didn't brush And I go what the fuck Cause you know what I noticed I noticed how white his teeth were And I go like I was like one day we were I was like your teeth are crazy white man Are you just like dental obsessed

And then he told me the whole story And how his teeth were rotting and yellow and all And I go why weren't you I don't know I just didn't feel like doing it And that was his thing I just didn't feel like doing it He was a rich kid And his parents wrote the check and fixed all his teeth

The other guy Oh my god Was just kind of a lazy guy And he also didn't do it for years I bet it didn't smell pretty in there And I forget I think he ended up having work done And then he started maintaining them

But it never pays off You can only get away with this For a short period of time Well yeah Cause there's nothing There's bacteria There's tartar There's plaque

It's gonna get into your blood You're gonna get a fucking heart attack I realize It's a nightmare It's a lot to ask People don't like to floss If they don't already floss Oh my god please floss

But you should at the very minimum Just brush your chompers At start once in the morning You get up There's no way You think your breath is fine It's not It breaks

Everyone's breath is dog shit In the morning Yeah And then once before you go to bed Bro Start there You gotta And trust me

Your breath does smell like shit And get some mouthwash At least Yeah Rinse that shit Yeah God I told you I had a friend

Whose mother drank coffee in the morning And didn't brush her teeth Yeah yeah That was bad Like a picture All day The coffee breath And then mixed with lunch breath

And God knows what And she would brush once a day at night And they were like Do you think you could brush it in the morning Like if you're gonna do once a day That would be the one to go for For sure How about start the day off

Start the day off After you have your coffee then Oh Man Yeah that's intense You know It's so funny There was this girl in junior high school

Who I always think about Because I'm pretty sure She never brushed her teeth And her gums were so bright red And her breath was just terrible But I love red It's a beautiful color You remember her breath

I do It's like so clear And I'm pretty sure she just never brushed I remember Mr. Caner In fifth grade My math teacher And homeroom teacher His breath

When he would sit over Stand over your shoulder And you're on the computer And you turn And I was like Oh my god I just remember thinking There's no way that guy brushes his teeth

There's no way There's no way He had just brushed them Because it was fucking eight o'clock In the morning Now unless he was of dad age Oh he was a dad He was a full dad

Well then Then it doesn't matter Dad's mouths Dad's mouths always smell bad So many super dads At the airport I know A Monday morning

At an airport Is like championship dads Dad attack Yeah it's like Full dad attack March madness brackets This is the fucking This is the sweet 16 of dads

Or at the airport man It's crazy We saw so many So many brown braided belts Cackies And then I saw a variant Sensible shoes Sensible shoes

Lot of phone holsters So many phone holsters I saw a variation on the dad outfit today It was the khakis and then The Birkenstock sandal Jesus No socks Jesus that's giving up

That's giving up so hard It's more giving up Than the sensible shoes Oh for sure that's I think That's dad thinks he's home way What are you doing Sandals with no

Okay what's worse though The Jesus sandals the Birks with no socks Or the Birks with the socks And the dad khakis You know fashion wise With the socks you look like a bigger asshole Because fashionably it's not cool But you know a dad

Having his feet out like that What's a bigger giving up is what I'm saying I think he's giving up more By having no socks on That's more fuck you Because the socks on is maintaining That's the slightest bit of dignity Mystery little mystery

What do those tootsies look like What did dad's chalky ass She has feet look like So gross Now but top dog doesn't wear sand Oh that fucking didn't work What kind of shoes does top dog wear Dirty and disgusting

He wears like brown loafers right Yeah he's a loafers guy You know he has his running Workout shoes and then he's Yeah he wears the slip on He's got like 10 variations of black and brown ones And that's his chill outfit You know it's super dad shit

Super dad because he'll on Sunday He'll be khakis Those loafers Maybe even a belt and a shirt tucked in And he's sitting in the living room You're like we're not going anywhere He's like yeah I know I'm not gonna get in something comfortable

I am comfortable So ugly I will say My dad doesn't dress like that Because he's Euro dad Yeah but he also is getting laid First of all he's getting laid But no he's also trying to get laid

Like most dads are resigned to This is my spouse We've been together 40 years Your dad will still meet somebody new And be like hey you know Try to impress her That's really you know The desire to get laid

Is what keeps that shit in check Yeah Or high self worth High self worth yeah But I do think Europeans generally dress More upscale Especially the men are way less asexual If you go to Hungary

I'm not saying it's better You know I'm saying like I got relatives wearing White jeans and shit like they look like I know but there's still cooler gear in Europe There is Yeah for sure They dress better Because America is

I don't know what it's attached to Why is this way but There's like a pride in not giving a fuck How you look Oh yeah Especially if you're like a super millionaire You don't give a fuck it's even cooler Yeah and it's like t-shirts with holes in them

And shit like that where people in the other They scoff at that in the other In Europe or South America too Why do you guys dress like assholes My relatives think I'm such a douchebag When I go to Hungary Hey so you know what's interesting Is when we were in a Virginia beach

Remember when we went to that Brooks Brothers And I saw a Searsucker shirt I've never seen that before in my life Really? No just in movies I thought it was like a throwback To when people were saying in barbershop quartets Or something

But people really dress like that Like those mannequins Yeah of course Yeah so you get your ass beat in LA If you wore like some fucking Gays Searsucker suit You were just saying how you like that suit Bow tie

You were just saying Yeah because it looked cute on that guy But it's a very It's not for LA It's not in LA It looks no way It's a summer southern suit Exactly

You wear that in the summer time In the south That's like Savannah, Georgia That's Alabama Louisiana Yeah the Carolinas, Virginia You can wear that there And no one will bat an eye

Oxford, Mississippi I bet there's a Searsucker in every closet For sure They're cute I like them You just said you get your ass kicked But if you wore that shit here I'm saying Some kid went to school in a Searsucker

You get your ass fucking beat Of course that scenario is absurd But that's why I was so shocking to see an actual person Wearing one today I thought you were mesmerized by it I was So I've never seen this in real life I just thought it existed on the mannequin

Now that guy today was wearing the Searsucker sports coat Yeah With jeans So it actually was a little It wasn't as intense Cause you didn't wear the full suit Yeah the full suit's a lot bro Full suit is a lot

But the full suit does It seems appropriate in the Contextually In other words if you're at that summer wedding The Kentucky Derby It's fine, yeah absolutely You can wear it's fine Now I would feel ridiculous in it

Because I just would be It just doesn't I look at it and I'd be too self-conscious about it You know Yeah cause it's such a different look Than what we do on the west coast I think cause it sticks out so much Like seeing that guy today

It's like whoa That does not fit in here in the city And also we saw A lot of guys Pegging Their skinny jeans Pegging their Oh I thought you meant

Their partners Pegging their friends In the airports Wearing like loafers Oh yeah you nasty fuckers Wearing loafers And then like Rolling up their

Their pants or something Yeah Yeah that's where you Where the jeans are like Folding over at the bottom And rolling up Yeah that's what That's what moms do

That's like a mom look That's also fifth grade When I was in fifth grade And that was And I refused to do it Yeah like Tony Hawk Did that one When we were kids

He did Skateboarders did that Yeah pegging I think So that your Your jeans wouldn't I don't know Be all loose I guess

I remember saying that Makes sense now that I put it that way Makes sense Hey do you want to discuss this? Remember we just saw this today What's that? Oh yeah Somebody

Oh shit They sent the link I think they said they opened their Their Some link that somebody sent them And Like They had two

There was actually Silly The first one I'll tell you It says Lack-o-ass Lack-o-ass Lack-o-ass A person who has a

A limited posterior One who cannot fill out a pair of jeans So that there is a sad case of Lack-o-ass It's funny But then underneath it Post-fartum depression What is it jeans

What is I just closed it You read it I like the definition It's silly We desperately We have had this And not known what it is

For a long time I know And that is The sense Of depression is The sense of let down After your cat Dog

Or spouse Does not recognize your fart With as much enthusiasm As you're feeling it deserved We do that constantly It's a theme in our life Constantly Constantly

Oh my god That's what we want We want that But a lot of times There's a big fart And then the person goes Nothing You're not going to give me

Anything You're not going to say anything And you're really big on I'm not going to acknowledge that I'm not going to celebrate that Because sometimes I don't want to I don't want to inflate your ego

I don't want to encourage The bad behavior Yeah The fart's even bigger Yeah, the sound on that There was a feel like that This weekend So many

So many Yeah, do you guys feel that Listing audience That post-fart of depression When When somebody Doesn't give you that acknowledgement It's like, hey

Are you not going to Say anything for what I did? No credit Yeah, it's like You cook somebody a big meal And then they're like It's okay You're like, I spent hours doing this

I just want to hear Something, right? Yeah Yeah That's why he does that He recognizes himself His own fart Yeah

Because sometimes He'll be like, hold up He'll know that it's not impressive But that wasn't good But then There's a big one And he's just like Yeah

Or his gasps That's kind of a That's a That's on the tier Of his acknowledging His own farts Yeah He has post-fart

Yeah There's no one there He needs farts Oh, damn See Oh, damn Oh, damn Hey, remember

When we were at the airport today And we were waiting for our pickup At the curb And I was dancing for you Because sometimes I like to I just show you my moves Or you show me your moves

In public We were like, what do you think of this move? And then I was doing that And out of nowhere This adorable man What does he do there? He's like the taxi stand guy? No, he's one of the

What's it called? Oh, my God I cannot think of it Skycap Yeah, skycap guys Curbside checking guys Yeah, yeah Where you're like

You don't want to go inside He checks your bag there at the curb And he saw me dancing And he just goes, all right Okay, I know you're smiling inside Yeah, I know you're smiling inside I was like, what? I was like, oh

That was nice Because he could sense your joy Because you were dancing in public Yeah And you were unaware of yourself Yeah You know what you were at that moment? What?

You were a child Well, it's normal for me Children And we're used to seeing children like that When you see a grown woman With big huge double D's And she's dancing on the curb there The skycap goes

I know you're smiling inside I know you're smiling He was so happy to see you Yeah, he was thrilled I wish he would have done some moves back Yeah I bet he had moves I bet he had moves

Remember this? This came in What's going on here? What's going on here? What the fuck are you doing? Fuck you, too Oh, ganna Go on

Leave your game Shake it down Ganna Wake up, you piece of shit Ganna What's going on there? That's a guy on a train in Taiwan A white guy

Who's ruining everybody's nice Asian time Like, everyone's on the train Just like, riding along And he's being the fucking foreign ass Eyes down Oh, look at that Fuck you all Grow up, you piece of shit

Fuck you, piece of shit Stop pretending Oh, you little worm God, you're all fucking little worms Worms Worms, worms Every fucking one of you worms Whoa

What's going on? Yeah, he's just I mean, I think it's safe to say he's probably not well Yeah He's not mentally well Well, I think I've seen this video My favorite part is that Asians are So non-confrontational on this train

Yeah All of them are just like eyes down Eyes on the floor Don't look at this guy They're not They're not connecting with him Nah Nobody's gonna take this bro on

This bro Nobody Yeah, he's a pretty He's pretty bro-y, for sure He's Most of them are not like, you know Well, like our Our buddy

If I can beat you up, I can't get hard That's a special agent He's a strong performer Mind your words Fuck you all Hey Fuck you all Fuck you all

Fuck you all Fuck you all He's flicking people off in their face He walks like Inches up and he's like Fuck you No one says shit to him Suck his dick, man

Yeah Suck the cum out Send him off Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Suck the cum out? I fucked a girl with no arms

And one leg Mm-hmm Pretty intense, man I remember seeing stuff like that In big cities Growing up It was always alarming A crazy person, basically

You know when you first see a crazy person But I think overceasing That guy in Taiwan's gotta be real crazy It's real out of place, culturally I don't think people do that shit on I remember I was in Chicago And we went to church on a Sunday And there was some lady on the corner

And she was like How dare you drink his blood How fucking dare you And I was like I'm seven Like I was so scared of her And New York Almost every trip to New York

Had people like that Oh yeah, that's what New York is for Yeah, New York's getting too normal I think it is now And New York invented that Like that postman guy Post office guy Yeah, that's a New York thing

That's totally a New York thing Yeah, New York is It's just full of It's nice That's your job That's your job, sweetie That's why you live there It's just to witness the crazy all the time

Mm-hmm It's fun Yeah, it's super fun LA, we have it, but it's in pockets You know It's like you gotta be at the right place At the right time Yeah

Did you just check out your own armpit? Yeah, well, I saw light Was coming through there I didn't know if there was a hole Light Light, because it's short It's thin Yeah

So I was looking if there was light Sure Coming through a hole Or just through the fabric Did you use our Kitchen deodorant? Mm-hmm I did not use it today

I used the actual My backpack deodorant Now when you put deodorant on your armpits There's so much hair It just mashes into the hair, right? You push harder in Yeah So it mashes into the hair and the skin?

Yeah I forgot that women, a lot of them You're putting deodorant just on your skin You don't have the hair You know, yeah, I kinda like shaping my pits Just for that Maybe I'll do that sometime Try it, it's really not bad

It's not that big of a deal Yeah I mean, I didn't shave this whole time we were gone Because I forgot my razor It's fine Just today you remember you do it How long does it get? I've only ever had about

About three quarters of an inch Three quarters of an inch No, no, quarter of an inch Sorry, quarter of an inch Not three Your quarter of an inch is pretty small Yeah, not that long I started shaving when I was like 11 or 12

My armpits, my legs The legs is not necessary I don't think as much But you have blonde fur in your Yeah, I'm a beautiful Arian goddess I don't have dark hair really I'm so lucky Yeah, that's true

You know who has a lot of hair? Jeff Tate And we got to see him this weekend And a lot of you know Denim on Denim The chairman of the Hot Dogs and Gatorade lifestyle Lifestyle Lifestyle

We saw him last night And He looks good He looked really good Looks a lot better than he did When he was in studio last time He looked really good And we of course had to ask him

About what's been going on With those Hot Dogs and Gatorade Here's what he had to say Now, you told... Did you say you ate 100 Hot Dogs in 30 days? Is that what you said? It was 30 hours

It was like a... I tried to make like a Supersize Me type documentary About nothing but Hot Dogs and Gatorade for a whole month And I made it about Like

Turns out I made it like 40 days And that's more than a month That is Like I just breezed right through 30 The best thing is that Your system didn't shut down You lost weight

Yeah Yeah He looks great Doesn't he look great? Yeah, yeah I'm like I'm like that Jared from Subway got Right?

That guy was fat as fuck And then he just said Subway I lost 600 pounds Like that's What did he eat before? It wasn't Hot Dogs and Gatorade That's for sure

No So are you still on the Gatorade? Like what flavor? Not actually Listen Wait a minute Wait a minute Wait a minute

Wait a minute Just give me a second Before you get into it It's big news So there's Chips in the bowl for big news Okay Okay

But chips in the bowl Alright I don't know I don't know if it's scarier When you do it or when she does it Like at least when you do it I kind of expect something to happen When she does it

It's like Why do you have four microphones? Oh that's just her voice Holy shit Holy shit Well listen Listen Tom

This is the big announcement The big announcement Tom and Christina You cut out Gatorade? I did not cut out Well What I did was I switched to

Power 8 Zero Right What are you fucking doing? No Yeah You eat skippy You piece of shit That is un-American

You might uh Un-American That's made by Coke For foreigners, isn't it? No That's a phrase Yeah You guys are the ones that said

It was for life I never said I was hot dogs at Gatorade for life That was some shit She made up That you let's down to This is the best thing ever I'm getting older, Tom

And The Gatorade just makes a G2 Which is a low calorie Gatorade I had a no calorie Gatorade And Power 8 makes Power 8 Zero Which is zero calories And I don't need empty calories Am I right?

Can I tell you this real quick? It hasn't happened much Put a few times on the road Like random people come up to me And they're like Hey, is that true? Does Jeff Tate Just eat hot dogs in Gatorade?

And I always go Every single meal I'm like, it's all you ever eat Ah, Jeff Jeff Tate He's the best Don't eat No, the neat part is

Before we filmed or taped this He was in the green room Eating cheese with pretzels Like giant pretzels Dipped in natural cheese It's good that he's still maintaining A healthy diet Well, I mean

But he actually did lose a lot of weight He did He lost 30 pounds Just eating hot dogs That's amazing Hot dogs and then pretzels and cheese And cheese in G2 No, Power 8 Zero

Power 8 Zero, yeah It's amazing Yeah, he did great He was so funny last night Everybody loves Jeff Tate Yeah, he's great And you should follow him on Twitter He's Jeff Tate96

And he spells Jeff G-E-O-F-F G-O-F G-O-F-Tate He hates that Yeah 96, but hey, what are you going to do? That's how you say it Stupid mom and dad did that to him

Fucking ridiculous Lake my ass Lake my ass See that Lake it Still trying to recover from Rock over time The devastating news

How do you feel? Do you feel any better since the announcement? Well, he's got a few videos out So, I think it won't Until I catch up with his, you know, catalogue is when I'll really It's like people listen to our show And they're like, oh, I'm on episode 170

And I'm like, oh, well, you're good for a while Yeah You're going to take a while to catch up I'm like that, but with Rocco's catalogue You don't feel a sense of loss yet Yeah, because I have a few more to go How many movies did he make? I think, no, I think like 1500 or 1800

Wow, it's a lot of porn to make Yeah, it's a lot to watch too It's a lot to watch Does anyone actually watch the entire film? There are definitely people out there that do Wow Yeah, it's a great, you know I can't imagine

Yeah Yeah He's one of a kind, that's for sure Lake my ass Lake my ass Yeah Lake my ass Jesus

That's your job That's your job, sweetie What if that guy was there on set While the girl was doing that? No Every time somebody commanded something He would be like, that's your job, sweetie You gotta lick his ass

Lick his ass You know, I really, and this is a true story When I met Rocco that time Yeah Whatever taping that was And I was talking to him He didn't know he was that much of a savage Did you really not?

No, I swear to you You didn't know who he was? Not really You didn't know who he was Because of you You had one of his films One of his art films in your home When we started dating

And that's how I got to know him I wasn't a fan Not like you God, that guy Here's who I knew I knew like Jenna Jamison And I knew Ron Jeremy I didn't know fucking porn stars

Until I started dating you And then I talked to him I'm the guy And then I, you know, see his films Sweet guy And he's like, it's only smells It's not just smells, by the way There was a lot more happening in that scene

Yeah, there's more than smells It's a lot Yeah A lot of brown Now I shook his hand I told him I appreciated everything he'd done He ruined, he wrecked women That was his career, was wrecking women

Racking them? Yeah, it's just like Well, he was really into anal And he was really into being pretty aggressive You know Yeah But the anal stuff It's all power anal stuff

I don't like power anal I don't really, I'm not a huge fan of anal Stepping on their heads No Yeah, sure Put his hand in their mouth and stuff Oh, stop I don't even like that genre

I don't like that genre That's your boy That's not the rocko I know You guys had a much more romantic evening Yeah, the rocko I know Would never do those things He's a sweet married guy A couple other updates

First we sent an email Just letting you guys know And we left a voicemail For Gloria Stefan Just to see if she had Had a chance to hear the entire track And share it with her team We haven't heard back

But I just want you to know That we are on top of it for sure So just I don't know I think she was just being nice No way I think she was kind of doing the Hollywood The showbiz blow off

I think you're being pessimistic right now Well, maybe And I've talked to you about this That it's about being optimistic Like don't think negatively Think about how awesome it would be If she loved it Why do you have to go right to negative?

Okay, should we do a positive affirmation? Yeah, I think you need to hear one Oh, yes Instead of saying Gloria Stefan Hates Miami fart machine I would say Gloria Stefan Loves Miami fart machine Right

Right Yeah There you go We'll see I'm excited about Miami fart machine Even if she doesn't sign on Or give us licensing rights I feel like it's something we can, you know

Keep building catalog and Yeah, expand on, yeah Yeah Yeah There you go Did you hear that? Oh my gosh I'm so embarrassed

Another update I wanted to share was Last week I think It was last week or the week before We let you know about semen In your Starbucks coffees And if you're drinking Starbucks Watch out If you're a woman

You might just get pregnant By drinking Starbucks Because they've got some pretty potent Semen in that drink Potent Yeah So That's how you get pregnant, right?

You drink semen But we were trying to find You know How, what he Like it just didn't make Obviously he didn't Confused us That a woman could get pregnant

By drinking it As you just said I didn't know that could happen I didn't know I thought it had to go up through your Vajayjay No, you can Yeah, you can

Apparently you can drink it In a latte And you get pregnant You can eat it in candy So does it eat through your stomach lining And go into your uterus? How does that work? Well, your stomach is where

The babies are made Oh, okay People are like Oh, my stomach hurts I have a baby in there The baby, the cramps The baby just lay In the base of your stomach

And eat what you eat That's how that works Haven't you seen that movie Where Arnold Schwarzenegger Gets pregnant? Yeah That's how they do it That's the same thing

Women have babies in their stomachs So a baby is laying on its back Its mouth is open That's why when they're like If you drink alcohol Your baby drinks alcohol That's right That's exactly right

Everything you eat that baby It's because it's in your stomach Interesting Well, that makes sense And then you gotta poop it out When it's time to be born You poop it out of your ass? Out of your intestines

It goes into your intestinal tract And then out your butthole That's a long journey That's why it's dangerous Childbirth is very dangerous You're vulnerable Well, we finally got a hold of On this David Pakman show

He was a guest Pastor Manning was And they got into the conversation About Starbucks semen So I can play that for you So you can actually Now you can solve the mystery Yeah, I'd like to hear more

Because it's true Because gays tend to love each other's semen And it flavors up the coffee They like the taste of it There's no doubt about that How do you know that it flavors the coffee? Well, because that's what it does Like the cocaine that was put in Coca-Cola

Going back a century ago That flavored up Coca-Cola And they now introduce Have introduced a synthetic cocaine That gives Coca-Cola the same kind of flavor And excitement and addiction of taste Well, Starbucks has done the exact same thing That Coca-Cola has done

Except they've done it with semen But enlighten me on the logistics So if I go into a Starbucks And I say I want a, you know Medium, vanilla latte, BS Whatever thing I want, right? And I see them take the different ingredients The milk and then the coffee and whatever

At what point are they collecting the semen? When are they inserting it in my drink? Oh, it's already in the process It's already in the pipeline And by the way, Starbucks has already Just introduced a flat white drink Latte or mocha I'm not sure which it is

That's a cover for semen, right? It is eerily It is if they're almost mocking me Like they're saying la, ha, ha, ha We'll show you that we're doing it And the stupid Starbucks audience Of patronage doesn't have enough sense To believe you, man

And we'll actually put it We'll hide it in plain sight I mean, this is absolutely incredible What Starbucks is doing Because they recognize their audience And their patron is just a bunch of idiots Who will drink it no matter what's in it They drink it and it will cyanide in it

Whoa Well, now you know that it's true So he thinks that it's like personal Things Sorry, he knows Yeah It's personal He's like, they're tempting me with the semen

Right He wants to drink it Yeah Wow It's pretty cool, huh? I didn't know that Yeah, it's pretty neat There's semen

Well, I mean, I have Starbucks so often Oh, my God, so much come in you Yeah, I'm not pregnant How come you're not pregnant? I don't know, man That's weird But yeah, I do have a lot of that jizz in me Starbucks jizz

Starbucks jizz, yeah Yeah So weird This is a really weird one that Pastor Manning got on I know Let's see Oh, yeah, there it is Also, so do you have like

Any useless knowledge that a lot of I was trying to think about that You know, there was a time when I was a kid Where I was so into football And watching it That you could name players And I would be like, you know Bruce Smith, he's 64, 275

Like, I knew a guy's height and weight You know, and Sure A lot of sports fans are like that They know the college The more obsessive they are, they'll even know Like, you know, the year he was drafted What round and all that stuff

And that's kind of just like useless knowledge I have stuff, you know Today, I mean, I read a lot of like, you know Blurbs, I read newspapers You know a lot about murder and killing I watch a lot of crime shows, yeah So those guys retain that knowledge You know, you'll tell me things

It's kind of, you know, I throw it in that category of like Oh, this band started when this guy And that guy got to that Yeah, our philosophy is pretty useless And I know No, that wouldn't call that useless though No one likes it No one cares

No one likes it People, everyone hates it Most people hate philosophy What? What do you think it's so retarded? What are you talking about? Hold on, hold on I know, I used to know a lot about Beverly Hills 90210

The show? I loved it Why don't I know this about you? Yeah, you didn't know that? Well, I mean, I know you watched the show You didn't tell me you loved it like this Every episode I've seen Was it because it was here?

Yeah, well I grew up on it Because BH9, the show premiered when I was in 10th grade or something Oh my God And I watched it the night it premiered And it blew my mind And then I stuck with it until the very end Were you with Brendan?

Brenda No, but the boy, what was the boy's name? Dylan Was Dylan the boy? Der Yeah, Dylan was the raddest, dude Yeah And then he dated the Noxema girl

And she got killed in a car crash Didn't he have a motorcycle? No, he had like a rad little car Like some kind of like a Corvette or some shit He's always like, yeah And they were all so old And then there was this girl

What was her name, Adrienne? I can't remember her name She was like 35 Adrienne, shit I gotta remember her name Anyways She was way too old to be cast as a high schooler And he used to bother me so much

But wasn't that the thing about all of them? That they were all at 30? Oh Adrienne Oh shit, I gotta look it up now It's killing me Jesus Oh Adrienne, shit And they would say

Don't worry about it And she'd say her name Andrea, Andrea Jesus You're killing me You know what? This is upsetting me right now What part?

The whole thing Everything you just told me Now I understand what your useless knowledge is But I've always felt when somebody Really dives into their useless knowledge thing It's kind of interesting It's kind of like that That autistic Asperger-y thing

Like Rain Man Kind of 222-242 Knowing that And Jeff Tate Hot Dogs and Gatorade Has that for the show Cheers Yep

He is a cheers fanatic And I've known this for a while He loves cheers Way more than you love your favorite show out there Yeah I mean he really He's watched the entire series like 12 10 times

Okay, there you go There's 11 seasons of it Anyways, we found a pretty good Cheers quiz And it's detailed shit It's for somebody that Just give a sample to like how A little bit of Jeff

Answering these fucking ridiculous questions What item did Sam Malone keep And loaned to a friend in one episode As a good luck charm? That's our fucking doll Don't say anything, you guys It's a bottle cap It was in season one episode

That's right That's the guy that played a Shooter McGavin That guy All right It's a lucky bottle cap Lucky guess So being like it's not just

He knows the episode Who gave it to who In the backstory Yeah, it's pretty insane right Yeah All right The episode is called Endless Slumper There's the episode name

There's 275 episodes of Cheers I'm not gonna be able to do that I'm not gonna be able to do that with everyone That one is one of my favorite ones It makes me crazy Because Sam did cool bar trouts With the drinks He would like slide them down

And then they turn But that's the only time he ever did that He did it once And then 11 more years All right, Jeff, ready? Which of the following regular characters Was added to the first I'm sorry

Which of the following characters Was added to the cast first Was it Rebecca, Woody, Kelly Or Lilith Woody Yeah, fuck It was Woody, Lilith, Rebecca And then Kelly

Oh my god Dude How are you not doing this with your career? I mean It's pretty good He knew Not only who was first He knew the exact order of all four

Yeah It's a lot It's a lot He's a crazy person Cheers Did you watch Cheers? Yeah, I did We watched Cheers

As a kid My sister mother and I watched Cheers It was a good show It was a really well-written show It was really funny Everybody Perfect, this is awesome I have probably figured out how to monetize

Knowing stuff about Cheers People here are loving it I'll just tell you that Now, which future presidential candidate Wants to get a cameo appearance on Cheers? Hold on, don't let him Don't tell him Well, John Kerry ran for president

He was on the show Michael Dukakis ran for president He was on the show All right Yeah, I think that I think those are the only two presidential candidates The future The one that was the future

Was John Kerry Dukakis had already ran Just an idiot It was on All right Yeah That's right That's right

Yeah That's on a major plate But I think, you know, the thing is now With that show for him is that The show is like his blankie Yeah It's super comfortable and it feels good Yeah, plus it's about friendships

Yeah It's about everybody knowing your name It's comfort food It's like when you bite your lower lip All right, that's my thing I like to bite my... It's like when you bite your nails It feels good

It feels good And you're like, I feel better now Yeah, Jeff knows everything about Cheers It's crazy He's good though Yeah I wish he could put that to use All right, we gotta go

Gotta wrap this up Yeah, let's play I spent time with our son We just got him back Yeah, we did So we love you guys Thanks for listening Please go to yourmomshousepodcast.com

Please come out and see me this week In Denver Salt Lake City Chattanooga Please stop fucking with me Please stop fucking with me We will, yeah All right, Jeans, we love you, mommy

We'll give you that Miami farm machine on the way out Yes, oh, good Talk soon, Jeans Let's hope Gloria's listening Let's hope Let's hope this gets out to her And that helps kind of the whole... The deal

The deal gets locked up, right? Yeah All right, guys Bye, Jeans Bye, Jeans Bum, munch, shake your body baby Do that kong, I know You can't control yourself any longer

Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger Don't you fight it till you try to do that kong-a beat Yeah Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? If you can dance Let the music move your feet

The rhythm Of the island And that sugar can't go sweet If you want to Do the kong-a If you've got to listen to the beat Come on, shake your body baby Do that kong-a

If you can control yourself any longer Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger Don't you fight it till you try to do that kong-a beat Yeah Feel the fire Of desire As you're dancing out of weight Yeah

But tonight we're On a party To see the break of day Ready to get yourself together And go talk to what you've got Once the music Is your system That's the way you want to stop

Yeah Yeah Come on, shake your body baby Do that kong-a If you can control yourself any longer Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger Don't you fight it till you try to do that kong-a beat Come on, shake your body baby

Do that kong-a If you can control yourself any longer Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger Don't you fight it till you try to do that kong-a music Come on, shake your body baby Do that kong-a If you can control yourself any longer Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger

Don't you fight it till you try to do that kong-a beat Come on, shake your body baby Do that kong-a If you can control yourself any longer Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger Don't you fight it till you try to do that kong-a beat Come on, shake your body baby Do that kong-a

If you can control yourself any longer Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger Don't you fight it till you try to do that kong-a beat Come on, shake your body baby Do that kong-a If you can control yourself any longer