Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 291-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 6, 2015

We recorded this on Cinco De Mayo so we hope you had a fun, safe time celebrating. We visit some audio of a Mexican gangbanger named "Little Boy" talking about shooting a dude in the face to get you in the mood - Margarita, anyone?! Plus we weigh in on candy bars - are you an immigrant or do you eat what people born 'round these parts eat? We got that Chris Gaines doc you know you wanna hear - Do you LIKE THAT? And it turns out vocal fry isn't just frustrating to friends and family - employers hate it too.  Farts? We got those too. 

The part of enjoying life is to make the most out of everything that you do. You see lions out in the Serengeti when they stake out their territory, you know, they're sent. It's what I do. Anytime I start blowing farts, you know, 30 minutes later, I'll be dropping one in. Did you just fart? Did you just fart your hand? This was a real squirter.

Drop my load. Just chill and take it down. He's the Oprah of shitting. Absolutely. Kind of the Dr. Oz of the radio network. You know the wipes people use to clean like their countertops? Industrial strength. Always use the handicapped stone.

It's hard to hold your cheeks together when you're walking downstairs. The cheeks don't stay closed on the butt. The toilet seat covers work great. It did the job. You gave me great advice on how to wipe. If you wipe too hard, like you get dickburries, you need to wipe down. Wipe down. Wipe down.

I forgot how many great sound bites are in that. That's the perfect song for a top dog. Legendary. Wow. Wow. Legendary stuff. I can't believe that's your father. I know.

Can you hear me? Yeah. I feel like my love or something. My mic is up. Did you fuck with levels? Probably. Why would you do that? I feel like my...

Where's my mic up? Your mic is really high up. Okay. No, no. Now it's good. Now I feel good. Okay. Are you okay?

Yeah. I guess I just need more volume. Turn up your headphones a little bit. Yeah, my butt plugs. There we go. Now that's loud for me. Can you turn it down just a little? Too loud?

Yeah. A little higher, a little bit. There? Okay. Yeah. Thank you, mommy. Thank you. All right.

That's so funny. He's like, you've got to make the most of life. He is. I mean, couldn't you do that deep row with him? I kind of want to, yeah. About? What about? Brown.

Just the meaning of brown? I think it means so much to him. And also, he finds so much satisfaction in it. Yeah. It really is the go-to topic between the three of us. What else is there in life? What else? That's a good question.

Where are you this week, Gene? Little Jeans. I've got a big week coming up, and I hope everybody in this area can do it. On Wednesday, the moment this comes out, I'm in route to Chattanooga, Tennessee. Choo-choo. I have one show only at the Comedy Catch. Thank you, everybody, that's rallying the troops to get people to come to that. I appreciate it.

Then I have three nights in Nashville at Zanies. I hope all my Nashville peeps come out. Great club. It is a great club. I'm there May 7th, 8th, and 9th, so there's five shows Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And then one show on Sunday, May 10th in Asheville, North Carolina, the New Mountain Theater. I hope if you're in that area, you can make it. There's some tickets left, but it's been selling well, so thank you for coming to Asheville.

And then I'll just give you quickly the next four stops. All big shows for me. June 11th, stand-up live, one show only, Phoenix. June 12th. They don't know where that is. Fartnix, Arizona. June 12th, Bonkers Comedy Club in Las Vegas, Nevada. And then June 27th, Chicago.

I'm at Park West, and the next day, the Crow football room in Pontiac, Michigan, for everybody that's asking me for a while now to come to Detois. This is the closest I'll get, so I hope you make it there as well. Thank you so much, Jeans. June 18th through 21st, I'll be at the Denver Improv in Denver. That's in Denver, Colorado, not Denver, Ohio. So come see me there. And then also, I mean, this is kind of in the summer, but the Jeans machine and I, I think

can we announce this in July? Is it on sale now? Oh, I guess you just said it, so. Well, they're announcing it soon anyway, so we made it. Okay. Announce it. Uh, we're going to be doing the Montreal Comedy Festival just for a laugh. We're going to be doing the podcast there, so even if it isn't up, just keep it on your

calendar, July 20th through 25th that week we'll be there doing stand-up and doing the podcast, which will be fun, right? It'll be really fun. Can you believe that this show got into like a prestigious comedy festival? It's pretty crazy. I don't think they know what we do. Yeah, we get to do one live of your mom's house, so it'll be a bunch of stand-up, but then the live of your mom's house will be really fun.

They have no idea what they're getting themselves into. It's crazy. Anyways, it'll be fun. That's it. That's it, Jeans. I'm in LA, I do local stuff at the comedy store mostly every week. Come see me if you're bored. There you go.

There you go. Hey, do you shop on Amazon? I hope you do. It's kind of the only way to do anything. We just got our shipment of toilet paper, which means you don't have to buy it at the store, and God knows we need a lot of that in this house. You can subscribe and save on Amazon and make your life so much easier so you get like a discount on bulk and the shipping's cheap as shit.

Anyway, use our banner, yourmomshousepodcast.com, to do all your Amazon shopping, and we really would appreciate that. It just kicks back some pennies to the show. Ready to get into this? Yeah, yeah. Let's party. Let's party, dude. Let's do it.

Either accusing a guy or even be paralyzed, but I'm going to shoot this guy at one time. I got like three feet behind him, and I guess he felt somebody behind him, and when he flinched a little back, I shot him. I shot him right in the face. I seen this whole jar just fly, just his teeth were on the sidewalk. This shit is big time. Who is Ramsey? Don't bring anyone loving to this.

Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura, Tom Segura, and Christina Pajitzic. Welcome to your mom's house. Well, you know, it's Cinco de Mayo. Is that what that clip was about? Yeah, it's Cinco de Mayo when we're recording this, so I figured we'll play some Mexican gangbanger stories.

Oh, that's what that was. Yeah, man. Tuko and Froggy and Bugger Joker and Smiley. This little J right there. It's fucking stupid, bro. It's stupid. Next time put a window in it, boy, girl. That's neat.

So this guy was just talking about killing people. Cripp stole his bike. He and his F-13 homies were out for revenge. F-13? It's M-S-13. You caught up with him. No. Coming out of a hammer.

M-S is El Salvadorian gang. Right. Right. F-13 is Florencia 13. Oh. That's a Mexican gang. South Central represent what up? Oh, the hook.

And we basically parked the car across the street and just let him walk away from the main boulevard. When his target took a side street, Fernando snuck up behind him. My whole point was not to let this guy see me because I was finna just shoot him one time. Either he was gonna die or he would be paralyzed, but I was gonna shoot this guy one time.

It's good to have close. He got like three feet behind him. And I guess he felt somebody behind him. And when he flinched to look back, I shot him. Boom. I shot him right in the face. I seen his whole jaw just fly. Just his teeth were on the sidewalk.

His victim barely survived. Little boy was charged with attempted murder and sent to a juvenile corrections facility. It was just the beginning of a violent criminal career. I got a reputation for just fighting these guys, stabbing them up. To me, once they tell me, oh, these are your enemies. Oh, that's my enemy for life.

Yeah. Happy Cinco de Mayo. Happy Cinco de Mayo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's not how they do it.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's so offensive.

I can't believe you did that. Oh, my gosh. Mexicano say way. Hey. Say way. Pero avenida por aquí, way. Y le dije puto porque tiene mi bicycle, you know? So I fucking shot him in the face, way.

See way. How'd you know that way? Because I speak Mexican, man. Yeah. That's a total Mexican slang thing. Way is like dude. Way. Yeah.

Yeah. Chale. Chale, where? Yeah. Yeah. I heard a lot of that growing up. Subway. Subway.

Would you be in a gang ever? I've been in gangs. Oh, where? Like in Milwaukee when you were living there? There was actually a big gang in Milwaukee. You know why? Why? Well, walkie's not far from Chicago.

What kind of gangs are in Chicago? Well, back then we're talking like early nineties. Latin Kings was a big gang. That was a big like, you know, and then Chicago has crazy gangs. There was, there was a. There goes the fort. Yeah. Latin Kings, I think with the big Latino gang then.

Bless you. They also had some, you know, they had Crips and Bloods and all that. Well, those are like, those are the gangs I know and love. The Crips, the Bloods, you got your MS-13. Yeah. What was the other? 18th Street gang. 18th Street.

Those are my favorite ones. Those are the ones I'm familiar with. Yeah. Those are the ones I grew up loving. Let's see. Gangs in Chicago. You ready? Yeah.

Let's see what's up. They got the, oh, Vice Lords. I remember that from back then. Latin Kings is here. People's Nation, Folk Nation, Black Disciples. I'm trying to remember other ones look familiar. People's Nation. What's that?

Is that like a charity group? Like they do help the community and stuff? That kind of a gang? I think so. The People's Nation. Or is it just a bang, bang, gang, gang? Let's see. People's Nation.

People's. This is the arrivals of the Folk Nation. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. I don't know. It doesn't say much about them. I don't know.

This says Jeff Fort of L. Ruckens and the Vice Lords and the Latin Kings, Richmond and the forming of this alliance. Among the initial members of this gang were Mickey Cobras. Mm-hmm. Known as the Cobra Stones. Latin Counts. Bishops. Insane unknowns.

Spanish Lords. Insane and crazy. They like to incorporate that a lot in line in gangs and gang names. It's always loco, loco. Yeah. They love being crazy. Yeah. Fucking crazy.

Just crazy P right there. Yeah. Homes. You know, you'll stab anybody up. Stab them up. I like how I said that. Yeah. I never heard that.

That's a very specific Latina way of describing that. Stab them up. Yeah. Stab these fools up. Fools, fools. So yeah, dude. La Raza Nation. Yeah.

I've heard of the La Raza's. The Hell's Angels. Of course. Hell's Lovers. Yeah. I've never heard of that. Oh, the Gangster Disciples. I remember that.

That's definitely, I feel like, a Midwest gang. Gangster Disciples. Midwest gang, please. I laugh at Midwest or gangs. Oh, you better not. Nerds. Nerds. Come on, guys.

Come on. East Coast or West Coast, okay? You're out of your, you're fucking crazy right now. You're talking all kinds of crazy shit. Okay? Shag girl. My whole girl. Oh, here's Frog and his homeboy talking to, here's listen.

Those are the description of these two guys. They're pretty cool guys. 13. Funnels La MA a steady flow of cash. By selling drugs and taxing street vendors and businesses. And when La MA tells F-13 to go to battle. Some fool. Even if it means starting a race war.

June, 2005. He's an alias. That's the best. LA detectives used wiretaps to monitor two high-ranking F-13 members. Alberto Hernandez, a.k.a. sugar. I am. And his homeboy, Manuel Hernandez. A.k.a. Frog.

On June 24th, detectives listened. Wait a minute, pause it for a second. Yeah. But why do you think they call him Frog, huh? The fool just hops around, you know? Never sitting still. He's always like jumpy. That's what it is.

He's all looking jumpy and shit, huh? Frog. We call him Frog. He's always eating his starbursts and shit. Starbursts? You think that's why they call me sugar? Yeah, because you know, I don't fuck with nothing sweet, so they call me sugar.

I've got something like that. Yeah, totes, yeah. What are you doing? I'm diabetic, so they call me sugar. There you go. I got sugar. You'd be called a osso. Because you're the bear homie.

So fool, osso here. Yeah, you're the fucking osso, bro. Oh, stupid. Stupid. I love it. I love it. I told, well, I've told, I've talked about this before on the show that I got, when I was a third, no,

I was, at 12 or 13, I was taught to smoke by a gangbanger, a 15-year-old. Chola. Chola. Chula. Her name was Chula. Chula the Chola. Chula the Chola, and she taught me how to smoke cigarettes

in the bathroom of the Tarzana Park Recreation Center. That's what's up. She told, she's always inviting me out with them. She's like, you want to come hang out with me and my friends? And I was like, I don't know. Your friends sound a little wild. She's like, no, we just like cruise and listen to oldies and stuff. I'm like, oldies.

That sounds fucking weird. You guys are weird. They love the oldies. Love the oldies. Your accent got kind of crazy there for some reason. Yeah, I don't know where I went. I got to practice. I wish I could play that back.

Please don't. Please don't. You know what they love? They love Carl LeBov too. The comic? Wait, Carl LeBov. Who's the guy that does the DJ, the shout outs and the dedications? Casey Kasem?

No, man. It's something LeBov, not Carl LeBov. Carl LeBov is one of the outlaws of comedy. No, no, this guy. I'm going to look it up. You're going to see. Okay. And then, you know, they do like dedication.

So it'll be like, you know, one shy girl wants to give a shout out. Yeah. Carl LeBov did that, right? Him and Sam Kinnison used to do that shout out show. Fucking you. I know it. I know it. Okay.

Look it up. LeBov. Hold on. Hold on. Radio. Okay. It was like dedications. It was love songs and they were always in prison.

Okay. Give a shout out to my baby mama. Oh, my baby mama. All right. I can't talk today. Can't do it. Sorry guys. Okay.

It's not Carl, but it's definitely, it's like an old ass white guy and he would do a radio show in LA and it was where all the gangbangers would give a shout out and dedicate love songs to their imprisoned booze. Really? Baby mamas and daddies. Yeah. That sounds pretty fun. Yeah.

If you know what I'm talking about right in so I can rectify this. Rectify it? Hey, speaking of funny accents, your home girl, Hilary Clinton is running for president. I know. I'm excited. I found this tape of her in 2008 when she ran. Do you notice anything different about the way she's speaking and can you guess where she's speaking maybe?

I don't feel no ways tired. I come too far from where I started from. Nobody told me that the road would be easy. I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me. What was that? What accent is that? Well, she's speaking at a black church in Selma, Alabama and she was like, ah, I come too far.

For an accent syndrome? Yeah. She totally went for an accent syndrome and she was like, uh, y'all, y'all, y'all feel me on that? She's not. Y'all feeling me? I'm feeling y'all. Don't do it.

Yeah. Don't they all do that though when they go to different demos? Oh my God. It's unreal. They go all Steven Seagal on us. Yeah. I come too far. But she sounded like the foreign accents in a way.

She didn't sound, that wasn't black sounding at all to me. Well she's trying to sound black. Feel no ways tired. No ways. I come too far from where I started from. Nobody told me that the road would be easy. I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me. I don't know, Hillary.

Yeah, it's amazing. You know, it's too bad because I feel like she's a real overachiever, like she really worked hard. She's like that girl that you grew up with who's like straight A's, extra credit, highest GPA in the class, got into Harvard, but like can never just have a personality that people like. She just has a personality people don't like. You understand?

Yeah. She's kind of like a nerd. She's just kind of a fucking... People think she's a nerd and then people think she's cold. And people think she's bitchy. And that's one of the things about a woman is if someone thinks you're not pleasant and pleasing, then you're a bitch. Oh, forget about it.

Yeah. If you're not... Yeah. What are you doing? Chewing on a pen. Is that good for our show? Probably not. People hear that?

It's probably good that you pointed it out. No, you're right. That's the worst thing for a woman to not be amenable to dudes, to be... Yeah. But I understand that too. Shipper. Well, yeah. I mean, you should always be willing to make other people feel comfortable all the time.

That's what women do. It's our responsibility. Yeah. Duh. I mean, it's like, you know, stopping a bitch. Yeah. Why do you gotta ignore the men? Yep.

Hey, can I tell you something? Sidebar. Sidebar what? What's the most... Don't you feel like the Whatchamacallit is the most perfect candy bar? Can we talk about it? I don't know if I would say it's the... No, that's not the best candy bar.

It is. No, it isn't. Yeah. Can I tell you why? It's got everything I like. It's got crisp heart, caramel, peanut flavor, and chocolate. It's the best. What's wrong with you?

What's your favorite? I don't know, man. There's a lot of good ones. I'm pretty simple and I really feel like I would a lot of times go for Reese's Pieces. I like them a lot. Oh, come on. Hands down. Hands down.

But I'm saying you need a bar. We gotta go to candy bars. Oh, a bar? I'm pretty happy with a Snickers bar, man. I really like it. That's your favorite. Well, I'm trying to think of... Like Death Row Meal Candy Bar.

Hmm. I don't know. It's your last candy bar on earth, bro. What are you going to choose? I'm trying to think of all the ones I even know. I don't know that many. Okay, I'll tell you. There's mounds.

Do you like coconut and chocolate? Sometimes, but it wouldn't be in my all-time fit. But sometimes I like that. And I don't have it very often, though. What about 100 grams? No, no. That's a different crunch. What do you have?

Your fucking mind? No. Wow. Did I need that abuse right now? Jesus. God. Jeez. You stupid fucking bitch.

I didn't say that. You're a little aggressive, Tom. Okay. And then there's a... Well, then there's a Snickers. I like that. What else is there? Butterfinger.

A butt finger. I really like that. Butterfingers are dope. They're really good. Yeah. I kind of forgot about those. Peanut butter. Chucky.

And the crisps. That's good. Those get stuck in your teeth, too. Like, those give you caps. If you give me out some munchies and you give me some butterfinger, it could be game over. Yeah. Because that's like, I feel like a mouse in there, you know, on the wheel when they're giving it the cocaine and like...

Yeah. Yeah, that's real good. But a Snickers really is always satisfying. It's like a perfect candy bar, right? It's like a meal. But I mean, it's the... It is like that combo of like, it's got Chucky. Yeah.

Well, they got almonds or peanuts in there. Peanuts, bro. And then they have caramel. New get caramel. Yeah, it's perfect. It's pretty rad. Yeah, it's good. Yeah.

Sometimes you feel like a nut. Almond Joy's got nuts, mounds don't. Yeah. Both of those are good. KitKat Bar? Fuck, a KitKat Bar. KitKat's the shit, man. Yeah.

Yeah. KitKat's really good. It's cool stuff. Slick stuff. Neat stuff. Oh, good. He is such a dad boner, by the way. I've been on his Instagram this week a lot.

He just doesn't know how to do it. Like all of his videos are like, hey, it's me, Garth, we're in Dallas, we had a great show last night. We're going to do a great show tomorrow. Here's my wife. And here's the cowboy hat. He's a super boner. And I didn't tell you this, that what was it?

You know his character, Chris Gaines? Yeah, it's so weird. Did you know that they actually started to make or made part of this, a doc you remember they used to do behind the music? They made one for him. For the fake character, complete with the VO guy and footage and interviews. And we have this clip here. It's pretty amazing.

So this is like, if you guys saw the behind the music, you know how those work. It's like, they tell you how great, you know, the star became, but then here's the story of what happened, how he flamed out. And then they started here. He was born here. It's like, it's a bio, but they followed a very, the similar formula all the behind the music. And this is a Chris Gaines one.

Chris Gaines, if you don't know, is the made up rock star that Garth Brooks took on as a character for like a year and he released an album as a man. It says Ulterigo. It's like David Bowie doing Ziggy Stars, except not nearly as cool or talented, fun. This was a Garth thing for. He was a rocker who liked fast cars and even faster women. Sex. That's the greatest thing about being a musician.

His passion for music was rivaled by only one thing. I've gone to his hotel room on occasion and there have been more women there than I would count on one hand, but his addiction to sex finally forced Chris Gaines to seek help. But the weird thing is that the soundbites are all scripted. It's a scripted bio. This is what, this is how he wants to portray himself. This is the character. Well, Kai wants to portray Chris.

Right. But this is his Ulterigo. Like he's like, I'm all about sex. Which means in real life, he's super dad boner. He probably is. But sex kind of makes you go, I like that. Because he's been married to the same lady for a while, right? His blonde lady Trish or something.

Well, that's not his first marriage. His kids are with somebody else. The second wife. I think so. New wife. Yeah, newer model. For sure. Interesting.

She's a star too. Right. She's a country singer too. You want to know how popular Garth is? How popular. So, first of all, I have to say I'm feeling very grateful because I had an amazing week of doing stand up. Listening.

You sound like you watched Super Soul Sunday. I really, I really did because I should, I should say that last Tuesday I had my showcase at the Ice House. That was an unbelievable show. And it was, I didn't think anything could get better than that. It was really a fantastic show. So to everybody that came to that, thank you very much. I figured that would be the high of the week.

Well, then I go to Denver with the full charge. He did the Tuesday show with me. We go to Denver and we do six shows at Comedy Works South. The one that's out in Greenwood Village. And we were talking about, we're like, you know, the worst show at this club, you would take as your best show anywhere. The worst show doesn't even register. That's how good the shows are.

And then we hit Salt Lake City on Sunday and we just had like just a sold out, beautiful crowd, amazing show. So it was like, it's the best when it's all good. It's an amazing week. I know. That was like Go Bananas. That was a good week for me too. When it's good, you're like, oh, this is great.

It really is so fun. That reminds you of why it's so, it's the best. But so anyways, I'm in Denver and we're talking about, I don't know, talking about all kinds of shit. And then they said, yeah, Garth Brooks was here and he did the Pepsi Center. The Pepsi Center is where the Nuggets play, the NBA team for Denver. Nuggets. Yeah.

Silly name. That's a team? Yeah. What kind, what do they play? Basketball. It's an NBA team. Nuggets. So this is where they play and he did 10 sold out shows.

Oh my God. Garth Brooks did 10. 10. That's crazy. And they said he kept the prices affordable and that's why, like they just kept selling it and I go, how much were tickets? 70. Oh my God.

That's affordable. That's affordable. Oh my God. So then we were all talking about how much money he made for those 10 shows. Unbelievable. Yeah. That is unbelievable. I had no idea.

And in Denver? Denver is a pretty big city. But I didn't know there were, there was a lot of like country music fans out there. Well, he's got, he's humongous. I know. It's so crazy. And I feel like right now he's listening to us talking and he's like, let the conversation begin.

Enjoying this. I find it, but I find it so surprising that he resonates with so many people because when you watch him on Instagram or doing these videos, he really reads like a bit of a sociopath. He reads like a total full of shit. Yeah. But look at the person. But look at when you go out and you see, you see, I don't know, a fucking restaurant full of people or any venue full of people.

Don't you think that a good number of them are fucking derelicts and weirdos and people with, you know, weird tastes? Yeah. But I think the problem is, yeah, that's true. There's a lot, but like 10 shows worth or 10 arenas worth. Yeah. So we were figuring out, we were guessing based on ticket price, based on number of shows. And then based on percentage deals that you do with promoters when you're talking about

massive shows like that, we figured with those 10 shows, he probably cleared like a million per show. It's unbelievable. So that's like a week and a half of work for him. It's unbelievable. Yeah. It's so crazy. That's more than double what I made this past weekend.

More than double? Yeah. Yeah. What's interesting. It's not crazy. Your math is a little. It is. Yeah.

Okay. If you took what I made this week and you multiplied it by two, it's more than that. It definitely is more than that. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. No, it's actually accurate what you're saying. Yeah. What are you saying?

I don't know. Are you trying to say that I am wrong about that? No. No, no, no. It is more than double. That's logically sound. 10 million. Right.

It is. That's divided by two. Right. Five million. Sure. Five million. Right. He made more than double what you made.

In the same city. Mm-hmm. And he, well, he did more shows to be fair. I did six shows. He did 10. Mm-hmm. But it's still like the split. It's crazy.

Right? Yeah. Maybe you should do that venue. The Pepsi Center? Do like 20 shows and show him. Huh. That's a good idea. You know what?

Mm-hmm. I got to say it. I like that. That's so weird. Um. And especially for country singers, isn't there a whole MO? They're just like, I'm just a normal guy. I'm a down earth hero.

Well, yeah, that's the thing. I'm a normal person. Even in those videos, she's wearing dad boner and stuff still. He is like normal guy. Yeah. Yeah. He reads weird. Yeah.

I bet you, I'm telling you, man, if I sat down with this guy, I bet he's a real fucking weird beard. He played some song. I think it was recently, too, to, um, to Ellen. Oh, Jesus. I think, was it reason or not? And then she cried. Oh, man.

Let me see if this is reason or not. Um. He's so weird to me. That's from last year. You're going to do the song, Mom, for us. Yeah. This is a conversation that goes on between God and this unborn child that's going down earth.

And when God describes what a mom is, it just kills me. I'm going to try and get to this. It just kills me. Forgive me. Your mom's house. What a mom is. But he's choked up by his own writing. Right.

Yeah. So that's what I'm saying. It doesn't, it doesn't add up. I've never heard this before. I've never heard this before. Yeah. This is a conversation that goes on between God and this unborn child that's going down earth.

And when God describes what a mom is, it just kills me. I'm going to try and get through this. Forgive me if I don't. My song. My song. My song. Oh my God. Wait, hold on.

Can you pause the video? Oh, Jesus Christ. This is like you being like, describing your bit to someone, you're like, I hope I can tell it. I don't know. I lose my fucking mind every time I tell it and I'll try to keep my composure. To Dave Letterman. I know you won't.

Here we go. Yeah. Ready? Yeah. This is what I'm talking about though. This level of bullshit. Like what? He's crazy.

He's crazy. I got to hear mom. I can't. Okay. Yeah. It's so, it's so saccharine. It's such fucking bullshit. I can hear it already.

Hey, I'm kind of scared. Don't really know if I want to go down. From here it looks like a little blue ball. Oh, Jesus. But that's a great big place. This is. And I'm so small. Is he God?

This is the baby talking to God. Why can't I judge? I think so. Stay here with you. Yeah, he's talking to God. Oh, right. The baby's talking to God. I'm mad, don't you want me to?

And God said, oh, child. Oh, boy. Of course I do. But there's somebody special. He's going to cry. It's waiting for you. So hush now, baby. Don't you cry.

Because there's someone down there waiting. There's only gold in life. Oh, my God. He's making sure you're always going to be all right. A loving angel, tender, tough and strong. Come on, child, it's time to meet your mom. Now, when she's talking to you, make sure you listen close. Because she's going to teach you everything you'll ever need to know.

Like how to mind your manners, to love and laugh and dream. And she'll put you on the path that'll bring you back to me. So hush now, baby. Oh, my God. Don't you cry. Jesus. Because there's someone down there waiting. There's only gold in life.

He's making sure you're always going to be all right. A loving angel, tender, tough and strong. What? This guy's out of his fucking mind. Come on, child, it's time. Jesus Christ. Now, everyone's crying in the audience. To meet your mom.

Oh, boy. Oh, your mom's house, though. Your mom. I love that song. I love that song. I fucking love it. I fucking love my song. You know a song I love?

Oh, she's on me. Oh, my dress is far out. I've never been happy, just like it's all I've got. That's a good song. Wow. Can Garth Brooks cover this? Can you grab something for me? What do you need, boo?

Okay, hold on. Thank you. You know that this, now if this isn't plugged in, the battery on this thing goes in like an hour. Oh, really? It used to last forever. Yeah, that's not good. I guess, well, it's been a few years.

These things, they don't last more than two years. You just have to buy a new computer every, like, how many years is it? Five years now? Four years maybe? I think four would be the max. The good thing about these is they're only, you know, a couple grand every time.

It's a small investment. I know. My parents bought there a new computer with my dad. He only buys PCs because... Still? Yeah, only because this one chess game only comes on PC and that's all he cares about. Isn't that sad?

But it was like top of the line everything and it was like 400 bucks. Oh, my God. But they sell those for that. They don't sell these fucking things. I know. The thing is though, the Mac is so versatile. Like, we do our podcasts on them.

You can do sound studio on them. Yeah, I guess you could probably do everything on another one. The other thing is that I'm so used to everything being synced up together. That's the problem. Fucking phone. That's how they get you.

Yes. Because I was a PC person. You sure were. And then you converted me to this and now you're hooked once you're in the system, man. Yeah, because these cock suckers, you end up buying, you buy their phone, you buy an iPod and then you get a laptop

and you get an iPad and you're like, oh, I got everything. Now you're in the system. You're in the matrix. Yep. Sucker. Fucking sucker. I know.

That was King Ashrop or made that song that you played. Yeah, it's pretty cool. He spells channel wrong. That's weird. He wrote new channel, C-H-A-N-N-L-E. Chanel. No, he's French. You didn't know that?

I still upload here until my Chanel gets taken down. See? That poor guy, he's always on the move. He's like a nomadic. Yeah. Video maker. So sad. Why can't he just live apart where he wants to?

Yeah, I don't know why. Maybe he should just build a website. Hold on. Wow. Did you hear that? Yeah, everyone heard that. Oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed. Gosh, I'm so embarrassed right now.

You didn't hear that, did you? Gosh, I wouldn't know what to do if somebody... Oh my gosh, it smells terrible. If somebody heard what I did, I'd be so embarrassed. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I have poop soup today. Oh my gosh.

There it is. There she is. I'm so embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed. Oh my gosh. Here's it with the fart. Oh my gosh. It's the best.

It's the best because I picture her looking over her shoulder back at him like, oh my... That's how she does it. It is? Oh my gosh. She's laying on a couch. She's got jeans on and a shirt and then she turns and she's like, oh my gosh. I hope you didn't hear it. Yeah, can you believe that this little thing made that?

Oh my gosh. It's like Fifo when he's doing something bad and then he looks over his shoulder and she's like, you didn't see that, did you? So coy. So, so coy. Anyways, this documentary, I don't know if they made the whole thing or just part of it, but here's a little more of it if you can hear it. Oh, and Chris Gaines.

Fortunately, he did get help because if he didn't, he was headed down a path that was just destructive. Chris Gaines solo career took him to the top of the charts. Then his manager took him to the cleaners. I turned Chris Gaines from a nobody into a superstar. This is weird because there's actors in there. Yeah, it's so weird. His world tours were renowned for their outrageous ads.

All right. What's that? Oh, there's more, but we don't even hear it. Yeah, it's ridiculous. He's a ridiculous person. He's ridiculous, but moving on to more important topics, we're having a debate in the Cigarette House. Really, the question is who in God's world would want to lick your butt hole, Tom?

Mine? Yeah. I think a lot. Do you really think there's a lot of people out there that would volunteer to lick your butt? Yeah, I think so. I think plenty. How many?

I was talking, what? I mean, what's? I need a number. Out of what? Out of what? Out of the people that listen to the show, that know your standup. People that are familiar with you, obviously, not strangers. I mean, I think we should probably narrow it down to women, right?

No, we didn't. This is not gender. Well, I think it should be for the conversation. You only authorize women. Yeah, we're talking about a sexual act. Okay. So how many women do you think would be interested? Of the ones that listen to our show.

Licking your butt hole. And seeing standup. I don't know. I would say 15% would do it. 15? Yeah, I think so. That's high. I think that's reasonable.

No, it's not. Yeah, I think they would. I think you're towing my ass hole. It's so gross. Nobody wants to lick your butt hole. Why do you say nobody? Because I don't see a huge market for it. I don't see a need for it.

It's not like a cum gum. It's not like other in-demand things. I think out of like, let's say 10 women look at me. I think, yeah, probably a couple are like, I'd like to lick that guy's ass. Do you think there's just a lot of women in general that are really into licking dudes' butts? Yes. A lot. Well, a lot is a relative thing.

Right. I mean, the total is probably millions, but it's out of billions. Yeah. I'm not saying most women are like, I'd love to lick a guy's butt, but I think, you know... It's an acquired taste. Yeah, I guess. Well, if there's anybody out there that would be willing to lick my husband's butt hole, I'm not saying you're gonna.

This is just to take the temperature of the room, as they say. Email us. I think it happens. I think a lot want to get in there. How's my asshole smell, huh? Nobody wants in there. If you're interested in licking my husband's butt hole, give us an email, your mom's house podcast...

No, sorry, it's your mom's podcast. Yeah, your mom's podcast. At gmail.com. And let me know a little bit about yourself. And I only want sincere people. I'm not saying we're gonna take up on these. No. That's not what this is about.

But put Tom's butt hole in the subject line. Yeah. Yeah, Jennifer Aniston did it in 1999. She did. When, where I mean? It was out here in LA. I flew out for like two weeks in the summer. I was dating somebody else and I met her and she licked my butt hole in the parking lot.

Jennifer Aniston doesn't lick dude's butt holes. I can guarantee. She licked mine. I don't think so. I think Angelina Jolie might lick some butt holes. Oh, for sure. But she definitely would lick your butt hole. I think she definitely would.

I just don't think there's a lot of women out there that would really be interested in it. Tom is what I'm saying. Like yours is so hairy and just such chaos back there and all the farts that come out. There's farts. There's farts and the brown and the I'm not really into it. Okay. Can I read you some emails we got?

I think so. Hey, ladies, don't feel like we won't read your name, but I know you're out there. I know you want it. Nobody wants it. Nobody. We're not going to get a single email from anybody who wants to lick your butt hole. I think that it will go a different way. I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised.

Okay. First of all, I would like to read this peanut butter study. Okay. In light of our recent tremendous scandal. Hold on. Hold on. Let's see. Fuck my butt.

Why can't I get this? Okay. Hold on. Hold on. Open link. Come on. Technology. Okay.

This is upsetting. Okay. So this email came in from a listener. It's a thrill list.com and okay, are you ready? They did a taste test of all the peanut butters. Do you want to know how they all ranked? Okay. Okay.

Hold on. Hold on. God. This is so irritating. It sucks to fight. Can you pause for a second? Sure. I can find it.

Okay. I found it. So this was sent to us from a listener on thrill list.com. It says scientific research says that you ate 1500 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches before you turned 18. But until you reached voting age, it's unlikely you had to say in deciding which peanut butter brand was in your pantry. Now that you're an adult, you can buy whatever you want.

Let us guide you through the packed shelves of peanut butter in the aisle, blah, blah, blah. Okay. So listen. Cheese. These people taste tested eight of the major brands. Eight? I didn't even know there were eight.

Okay. So here's who they tested. Skippy, Peter Pan. Oh yeah. Jeff. Choosey moms. Choose Jeff. I've never heard of it.

Not in better. I've never heard of that. Justin's. Justin's. Never heard of that. Whole Foods 365, obviously. Trader Joe's. And for good measure, the I am healthy soy nut butter, peanut butter substitute.

Okay. So those, those are the ones being ranked. Okay. So who's on there? Jif. Is that what that's called? Don't be ridiculous. Jif and Skippy.

You're embarrassing yourself. Number eight, Justin's classic peanut butter. Garbage. I know. I don't even know what that hippie stuff is. And then number seven, nothing better organic. Again, I've never heard of that brand. So I wonder where this is going.

Six, Peter Pan. Peter Pan is good. Garbage. Garbage. Come on, bro. Get out of here. It wasn't that bad. Number five, I am healthy soy nut butter.

Okay. Number four, Whole Foods 365. I believe we have some of that right now. We've had that before. It's not bad. Whole Foods makes good brands. No. I'll say that.

The whole. The. All. The. The. Sucker. All. Sucker.

Sucker. Sucker. Sucker. Sucker. I'll say that. The whole. The whole. The whole.

The whole. The whole. The whole. The whole. The whole. Number two, Jeff. And number one, Skippy Natural. Lick it.

Lick it all the way. Come on. Come on. Lick it. Yes. Oh my God. I love this baby. Come on.

Lick my ass. Open lick my ass. Come on. Would you like to hear what they say about it? And peanutty-us. Peanutty-ness. It rates a six. It's delicious, but seems like there's more citric acid than peanut.

That is the one critique. Texture. A 9.5. Your teeth melt through this like a hot rake through soft snow. PB and J potential, nine. As wonderful as soulmate as jelly will ever find. Overall flavors, 9.5. Final score, 8.5.

Babe. Babe. What? Do you smell that? No. I gotta say, I mean, for me, this is like a conversation over thing. I thought we settled it pretty well. May I read the rest of the article though?

Go ahead. Closing thoughts. Going into the contest, Jiff was heavily favored by all parties involved, but despite its intense flavors, it was inched out by Skippy. And even more surprising is that it was defeated by Skippy natural, a purportedly healthier version of the original, though really the main difference is they're not using hydrogen in a while. So you can get a version of Skippy that's not a hot, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah. So there you go. You get your Skippy natural and then you can, you know. Yeah. I mean, you know, we're just, we come from different camps. It's fine. We don't have to. Yeah.

Well, here's what I was thinking to resolve this peanut butter. And let me see. What trauma? What are you looking for? Your candy. What is your candy? Oh, that was a hot one. Yeah.

Yeah. Can I try it? Yeah. It's real good. So is this your vote for best candy bar? Fuck yeah, dude. Really? What you call it to me is the complete candy bar.

Let me see. God, that smells. I'm going to sample. God, my fart smells. You know why I had poop soup today and then spaghetti on top of it with ragu and shaky? What do you think? That's good, huh? Yeah.

You don't seem very impressed. I mean, it wouldn't be my favorite. Do you? You know, I'm the foreigner and I feel like you weren't even born in this country. You have foreign tastes, so that's why you like shittier things. That is so stupid. It's true. What are you talking about?

You have an immigrant's like, you know, you don't appreciate what's actually good. You're like, oh, we got to have the market and the bread line. My palate is very developed. Very unrefined. Very unrefined. That's so ridiculous. Come on. You would drink a jar of ragu and be like, this is a really good dinner.

It is. I just made your spaghetti sauce tonight. Turkey sketchy with ragu. It's the best. And shaky cheese. I got a fresh tub of it. And for dessert, you know what I'm going to make? Yellow cake with chocolate frosting.

Pancake. I might get in the pan. My favorite. Hey, you seem to love all the white trash treats I cook. I do. I love them. You eat them up. I do.

You love my shake and bake. I made shake and bake last week. Fine. But it's not, it's not the best candy. Which McCall is the best candy bar? Thank you. Whatever. Okay.

Can I read you this other email we got? Which is so fucking amazing. It's my favorite. I want you to read it actually. You want me to read it? Yeah. Hold on. I'm going to send them.

Don't, don't say who it's from. I don't want to out this person. Okay. It's, it's my most favorite email I've gotten. All right. What's with the jeans? There we go. Hi, mommies.

Hi, mommies. I may not be a long time listener, but I've recently gone back and listened to your entire podcast catalog. Jesus. I work eight hour days and you're all I hear all day. So I have some stuff to say, but first I need advice. I'm pregnant with my first child. And only once I became pregnant, I realized how terrible the baby's dad's breath is.

Oh shit. So weird. That is unbelievable. Cause you get like, you get supersonic smell when you're preggers, right? Um, I guess, yeah. You get like dog smelling. Dog smelling. Yeah.

You can smell everything. She got pregnant, huh? Oh yeah. You nasty fuck. All right. That's how you get pregnant. Right there. You got it.

Right there. See that chick? She'd like my ass. Yeah. Okay. I just thought to myself, he must have premature dad breath until, until I paid attention to his habits and his routine. After discussing how nauseous every bad smell makes me and strongly hinting at his breath,

he started to tell me how he doesn't brush his teeth and hasn't for five years. He constantly complains about them hurting and won't go to the dentist. His breath is making it hard to kiss him. And after learning these facts, I just can't kiss him. He tries to brush to make me happy, but I've only witnessed it twice. I need some help. I can't take it anymore. I've been kissing this for years and years now and haven't even known it.

How can I get him in the regular habit of brushing? Wow. This is fucking intense. Put a crazy one, right? Yeah. How do you, but how do you break it to your spouse? I think there's, okay. I think there's some, there's some real interesting shit going on here with this email.

So what I, what I think is like, I didn't know the, because you kind of briefly mentioned this, but I didn't know any of the details. So I think there's a lot of love in this relationship, like is what I gather from that, just from I can see that email. So there's, there's a couple of ways you can go about it. One is you kind of start buying things and hinting at it, more than hinting at it where like you go like, you got to try this. And it's like the Listerine, like a mouthwash, a mouthwash that you already know you like

to smell of madam. Right. If you're sensitive to smell. Right. And then like maybe like the, the tooth, um, you know, the spray, that's what I was just thinking. Like if you buy him toys, cause guys like toys and gadgets be like, dude, this thing's so much fun.

Have you tried this water pick? Yeah. The water pick. Exactly. It feels great. Oh, it feels so good. It's like a massage for your gums. Now here's one thing I didn't know until I read that.

She said he's complaining about hurting. That dude is putting off inevitable dental work that is going to every time you pass it off more and push it away, it's going to cost more and it's going to hurt more. Like the longer he goes without, um, doing something, I'm sorry for, yeah, I mean this guy's got pain is the, is the big, whatever you have pain and it's enough pain that you complain about it anywhere. There's nine times out of 10, there's some shit going and that means like your wrist, your stomach, your head, your teeth, if it hurts and you're like, wow, this is really

bothering me. You need to get it. You got to go and sooner or the better. Yeah. I mean, you're just, that's, this is the kind of thing where like, um, somebody eventually goes and then they're like, Oh, you know, I've always complained about my throat hurting and they're like, well, yeah, you have stage four throat cancer now, you know, I complained about it for years and didn't do anything.

Well, there's, you know, there's certain things that don't go away by being ignored, like debt and tooth pain, tooth pain never goes away. Now you're saying he's complaining it hurts and you know, he said, he said he doesn't brush that dude has cavities and probably more serious shit going on. And by the way, the fact, the reason that he does like because of the fact that he doesn't address it is also why it's going to smell worse because that whatever problem he's got on there, yes, it's going to, it's going to grow. So here's the bottom line.

You have to tell, you have to tell him, you have to get him to go to the dentist and because you're going to end up having a worse problem with him not going. It's going to escalate to, to getting root canal. And I think if you're having a baby and it sounds like, like you said, it's been years, you can have a loving conversation with the guy and be like, I adore you, um, but we got to address this. How about, how about this? She gets him to go to the dentist.

She goes, listen, you got to do this before the baby gets here. You got to take care of your mouth. You're going to be a dad and you got to be healthy. And then the dentist, once he sees how poorly this guy takes care of his mouth, the dentist is going to ream him. Right. And then it'll really, you know, and then she can want to punch it with like, did what did the dentist say?

I think the dental visit is more important than anything right now. I think so too. It's imperative because he might need like pretty serious dental work if he's in pain all the time. He's complaining that he's in pain and he doesn't, like he might have like some serious shit going on. Could have gum disease. He could have, you know, could have like multiple high number of cavities.

And that's why his mouth smells. Cavities make your mouth smell. Yeah. It's tooth decay. Oh my God. Would you tell me if I had dad mouth? Fuck yeah. I would tell you, but we have a pretty like, you know, pretty direct open relationship.

Would you, how would you tell me that? Would you be loving or would you just be like, Jesus, your mouth smells like a butthole. Yeah. I'd be like, your mouth smells like shit. Yeah. Every time you, every time you talk, I feel like you're, you're farting out of your mouth.

Babe, it's really, I feel like that's what I would say. No, I would be sweet to you. Of course I would be. If you had dad mouth, I would just tell you point blank, but you fucking have dad mouth and you got to get, I think that this lady has to get that guy, you know, somebody that is resisting doing it. You got to get them all the toys. Get them that, the best flaw, you know, that, that thick lady.

Get on the soft, yeah. Soft, so it doesn't hurt in the beginning. Get them Listerine if you like it or scope, whatever smell you like more. Get them the newest tooth, get them the water pick. You got to be like, here's all the shit. I got it for you. Get on Amazon. You got to fucking use it.

Get on Amazon. Seriously, you can get your mom's house podcast. No, but you know what else you could do is you can, you can do it with them. Be like, let's go to right now in here and you use your water pick. See, I'm doing it and you do it. You got to treat them like a child. Man, unfortunately. Really?

He hates it. So you got to do it that way. Yeah. Well, poor girl. Yeah, that definitely sucks, man. So I also have another dental update from our friend, Pepper. Pepper, Pepper was the one who just stopped brushing years ago. Stop brushing.

Remember? Oh, yeah. And we were like, yeah. And he, and then we told him to, and like, are you serious? And he was like, yeah. Okay, very, very important. So Pepper wrote to us. He goes, Hey, I appreciate the stern talking to.

See, should I go with crest or Colgate? Oh boy. You know, I go for neither. I'm, I am a huge fan of aquafresh extra strength. I'm a crest kid. I grew up with crest. Colgate sometimes. No, we get Colgate sometimes, but I like crest the most.

I like the colors red, white and blue. I feel like I'm saluting the flag every time I use it. You know, aquafresh was my father's choice. I think it's, we're such immigrants. Now that I look back, you're right. Everything we buy, it's not what Americans bought. We get the foreigner. I feel like Colgate has more bite to it.

You feel that? I like it to burn. And that aquafresh with extra whitening is a burn. Did you know, did you read that, that, um, article about the burn when it is? What is it? So that doesn't actually do anything. But what, what happened was they were trying to market toothpaste, um, better back in like the fifties.

Yeah. And one time they added that component to it and people said that they feel like fresher. That's how I feel. And so that's why that is in toothpaste. It has nothing to do with cleanliness, but it gives you, you gives you the sensation that you're being clean. Cause I kind of like to hurt myself.

Like when I floss, I really floss. Like if I draw blood, I'm like, yep, that's a good one. And then when I brush, I like it to burn. Now I get it too. Cause you're like, yeah, that peroxide clean. Yeah. Um, okay. So this gentleman writes in my dearest mommies, I am from Mississippi and wanted

to speak up after hearing this piece of trash pepper go on about his brushing habits. This guy's so mad. I used to slack off on my own dental checkups and I've even felt the urge to stop brushing, but my wife who also keeps at 100 urged me that my 30 second brush was not going to be enough to properly whisk away the cavities and rotten mouth juices. Since being married, I now brush a full two minutes with flossing and

mouthwash, needless to say, but necessary to correct pepper's dumb ass. Our teeth are on fleek. Even our dog gets regular inspections and loves to chow down on dental sticks. So now I'm curious about why pepper is claiming to keep those genes high and tight when they are most likely wet down by his ankles and covered in all the shit from his atrocious shower etiquette, pepper, he's assuming things of pepper. Pepper might start to notice a horrible shit smell from his ankles. If he got rid of the smells from his rotten chompers, geez, good Lord.

Anyways, pepper needs to start brushing what's left of those yellow chicklets and let his loose baggies dry off. Maybe then he can get those genes properly altered and learn how to pull them up to proper height. I think that this letter doesn't just apply to pepper. Seems like it applies to the ladies, you know, baby father and everybody who doesn't brush regularly. Right.

Let this be a lesson to you all. How we don't have a dental sponsor at this point. I mean, we have underwear, we have postage, we have shading things, websites, yeah, websites, yeah, square space, we have mattresses, and then there's no fucking dental person that wants to get busy with your moms. It's crazy. It's really great or floss, like a dental floss company. It's unbelievable.

Yeah, like Johnson and Johnson. Here's more filth. I don't know if you heard about this or not, Jeans, but this is pretty big story that I've seen talked about quite a bit. 11 New Mexico says beards are as dirty as toilets and are riddled with poop particles. These are enterics. These are the kind of things that you find in feces. This is uncomfortable.

Hey, everybody, I'm Patrick Jones for Odd Views and apparently this thing on my face can be filed under. Don't touch that. You don't know where it's been. A news crew had some brave bearded bros bring their face blankets forward for swabbing. If cleanliness grades were SAT scores, we wouldn't get into our safety schools. These are the things that cause urinary tract infection.

But before you go for a razor or a breakup with your urban lumberjack, it's not going to get you sick. Let's be honest, poop particles show up on everything when tested. Phones, toothbrushes, even holy water isn't safe. Toothbrushes, too. Oh, yeah, because it's in the toilet. I think anywhere that even when it's not in the bathroom, they find poop particles on it.

You know why there's poop particles on that microphone now, too? Because you it's on your hands. Yeah, that's how you get pink eye. You're rubbing shit in your eye. You know what they say? Those mints that you get at a restaurant on the way out. Oh, yeah, covered in urine because people don't wash their hands or they do. They touch the doorknob, which is filthy.

Yeah, I bet you your beard's filthy because we, you know, our dirty hands are touching it from browning and stuff. And then, yeah, yeah, what else is new? The world is a very dirty place. Oh, it's just pretty interesting, right? I mean, there's probably so much brown in this house, well, farting that goes on. But there's a lot of news here that says that this is not actually that accurate, you know, yeah.

Can I say what I hate more is that when they write the copy to be all full of alliterations and bad puns. Like, yeah, these bearded bros are urban lumberjacks. Saying it like that, I think this is the actual way. Where is it? Actual story bearded bros. Bearded bros, the fecal beard. I wish you a fecal beard.

You wish I had a fecal beard? Yeah. I mean, as much as I poop and as big as my beard is, there's got to be poop in my beard. Of course there's poop in your beard. Let's see if, um, what do you got? I think this is the actual story about the poop in the beard. Yeah, from the local news station.

I'm interested to hear what their spin is. Beard too big in size and popularity. And now we're finding out some are also as dirty as a toilet. Thanks for sharing. It's the latest experiment by our swabbing anchor, Royal Day. Tonight she shows us what else Royal Day, random samples of men's facial hair. This story, oh my gosh, at the very least, they're loaded, may give you a new appreciation for a clean shaven face that these are the things that cause

urinary tract infection. A handful of brave men allowed us to swab their beards. You lean on in to see what smell those bears, if anything, is growing in them. Here we go. What we found even blew the mind of this microbiologist. I'm usually not that surprised. I was surprised by this. All the beards had a lot of bacteria, but the normal stuff you'd find on most

surfaces, beards proving they trap and hold quite a bit. But some were comparable too. Yep, those are the types of things that you'd find in in poop. Actions of the news has swabbed a lot of things over the years. Now is uncharted heritage. What if they're just swabbing somebody that just ate someone's ass out? And that's why, you know, like my ass, yeah, like it.

It's rockos, rockos, pears. I mean, if you just ate his ass, you'd have colors before. And it doesn't matter. They're lovely, aren't they? It's because we've never had them until now. What are they? These are enterics. These are the kind of things that you find in feces.

And then this is a collection of dirty. All right. Americans love to have hysteria about germs. You know what they should swab that would be horrifying to all of us? Is our iPhones? You know what I'm saying? We're the phone and your keyboard. I bet you there's so much sperm all over people's keyboards and iPhones.

By the way, the Washington Post posted because this thing got so much traction that your beard probably is not as filthy as the story is trying to lead you to believe. Says the results aren't from an actual scientific study. Instead, a TV news anchor took a handful of swabs from random dudes with beards and talked to a single microbiologist about what he cultured from them. And then bacterial fear mongering set in and outlets made elite from the detection of gut bacteria to the detection of poo bacteria. So the problem with this is that bacteria known to associate poop is

not necessarily literal poop. In fact, it's probably not. And saying that something is gross for being covered in bacteria is pretty ridiculous because anything that exists in our physical realm is definitely going to be covered in bacteria bacteria. So don't let that freak you out. Stupid, stupid poop in your beard. This is just a story for, you know, people like my cousin to get all.

Yeah, like, you know, did you hear the story about the poop in the beard? Everybody gets scared. Tom should shave his beard. Everybody get hysterical. Tom probably took a dump in his beard today. Hey, um, I got a cool vocal fry article. So a new, a new study suggests that vocal fry could negatively impact female job applicants.

The study published by online journal PLOS played samples of male and female subjects speaking in both a normal voice and with vocal fry. Participants were then surveyed as to which Kansas they found more suitable to hire for the job while a preference for a normal speaking voice was nearly equally matched for both men and women. Results show a preference for a normal voice 86% of the time for female speakers and 83 for male speakers. And those surveys reacted more negatively to women with a vocal fry than men.

Yeah, it makes you sound like a dumb dumb. You want to hear the examples? I'd love to. 01:09:16,140 --> 01:09:18,520 This is a male normal voice. Thank you for considering me for this opportunity. Thank you for considering me for this opportunity. Thank you for considering me for this opportunity.

That's a female no, thank you for considering me for this opportunity. So I guess everyone. Or the people did not react very well of course, cuz it you sound. You sound bitchy if it's for considering me for this opportunity. Yeah, thank you for considering me for this opportunity. The guy with his creepy as shit. Thank you for considering me for this opportunity.

You know why? Cuz it sounds lazy. It does sound like it's like I just I can't even be bothered to talk normal. Now this isn't vocal fry. But there's I guess a wrestler. You know, they have the big stuff, the WWE stuff on TV. But this is like a smaller version of that, a more local thing. Here's ladies and gentlemen.

This is Jake Manning here with Freightrain once again. I just want to go over the particulars one more time. July 27th in Charlestown, Indiana. Freightrain will be taking on Eugene for the $5 wrestling heavyweight championship. So Freightrain is a local guy and Eugene. These are not these are amateurs bait or semi pros, we would call them, right? People still pay to go into it. But this is in this guy talking right now is like the promoter for it.

And he's got, you know, sunglasses on indoors and they're sitting in front of like a backdrop and they're this is their version of a press conference. But the guy is Freightrain is unbelievable. Freightrain, that's a good big boy. It's a good name. I love it. I know Eugene has made some disparaging comments on his YouTube page. Now, this is the reply and I'm done talking about all the particulars. I'm just going to throw it to you and I want you to give your opinions

and your feelings on what Eugene said about you. OK, listen up, Eugene. This Freightrain, I've seen your video, what you call on YouTube about me and stuff that ain't going to happen to me on July 27th. Listen up, your ugly short part. You ain't going to take this belt from me, Lou Jean. I don't think he's acting. No, this is real.

He said Lou Jean, instead of Eugene, some other things, too, aren't really adding up. But Lou Jean, I'm sure your old school asked why I represent you from old school. This is a new school, Lou Jean, and you can't even talk up there. Talk about a freight train. I'm going to take you out on July 27, $5 of tire coming off your waist. Go on my waist and stuff. You couldn't even imitate the freight train.

That's why you need to go back to that retarded school downtown in Charlotte, North Carolina, Metro, right across the street from the edge. He knows where it is. This is the best, though, the promoter guy sitting next to him. As he says, retarded, he grabs his mouth and he's trying to keep from laughing. And it's so phenomenal to see because you can tell that he can't. He can't even act like he's trying to hide it. He's he's completely like you can tell he wants to bust out so hard.

Mortified. He can't even and he's he's using both hands to cover his mouth right now, because he's you know, he's absolutely dying inside and it gets better. Cache is sounding schoolboy. How retarded you is, Lou Jean, you can be there while you're retarded. But he's there coming out waving like this all the time and stuff, waving like a nerd, like for a scum. Lou Jean, though, you is a Louisville, Kentucky nerd.

That's why your uncle, Eric Vischoff, cut your loose from WWE because he know you too much of a nerd to be in the rain with a bit dog. I'm going to keep this belt, Lou Jean. I'm a train wreck, your ass on July 27th. And I'm going to show you what I represent since my first time getting in the rain with WWE superstar. I'm going to show you what this new generation coming up. And Ohio, Ohio Valley Rastlin on me, nothing.

You were trying up there, Jim Cornyan and down. But I got trained by different people battling you. The high spots represent high spots, better than Ohio Valley Rastlin, Lou Jean. Ohio Valley Rastlin don't no longer could this. Wow, I love it. I'm I'm in raptured. It gets better.

He says something here in a second. Great train. I love this guy. What does he look like? Oh, that's Jeff. All right, we're back. Our landlord stopped by. Yeah, I got to collect that ramp. I was like, give me that paper, y'all.

I had a little bit of turkey skew. You got to say it's delicious. Yeah. Well, what do you think of the sauce on there? Yes, that's all right. No, it's not all right. You said you were like, you know what I really like? Really good. I like that fresh shape of harm on top.

Fuck off. That's what I put. I noticed you were putting that trash on it. I put the because shaky cheese makes everything better. Yeah, you put the fresh on. I get the fresh for you because I know you got bougie tastes. Yeah, but I don't like it. Sometimes it's too fancy.

When you go white trash, you got to go white trash all the way. You know what I'm saying? You can't do shaved harm on ragu. Yeah, doesn't make sense. It's like Louboutin's, you know, with your jean jacket. Just your yeah, there you go. Let's get back to this guy is amazing. The promoters freaking out.

Freight train is talking shit to Lou Jane. Talk shit. Now the Florida championship raps and you need to go back to where you came from. So you can get more popular again, Lou Jane. And on July the 27th, I'm a kid. The shit out of you, Lou Jane. I'm going to take your retarded motherfucking ass out. Since you called me the MF word of my time to call you a motherfucker.

Though you is. So so now the promoter is hiding behind Freight train and you can tell he's losing his mind laughing, but doesn't want to show it on camera. He's literally covering his head and his whole body. And it's shaking behind the guy because he cannot contain himself. This guy is not. See, it's so good that has to be real.

This isn't like yeah, yeah, froggy fresh when people were we got dupes lighting us up with having you see, you don't know who fresh is. No, fuck face. I don't know who froggy fresh you guys are stupid. He was on Taj five years ago. Have you seen every episode of the Tonight Show? Because a guy was on that one time in no nine. You didn't see that episode.

No, I didn't fucking see that episode. All right, guys. Jesus Christ. So retarded motherfucker, take your motherfucking ass back to Louisville, Kentucky. This belt will stay right here on my smooth belly. And look at my belly, Lou Jane. Look at my belly. My belly going down, Lou Jane is going down a little bit.

I'm ready to take you out, Lou Jane. I've been doing a lot of seal ups, push ups and stuff. So I can get ready for you for you. You Lou Jane. It's a little forest comfy, huh? A lot, a lot for us. It sounds sweet though. I think he's a sweet guy.

I want to I think he's a very sweet guy. I want to know what what freight train was saying or what Eugene was saying to to prompt that talks of shit. Yeah, he was really, really talk of shit. I'm not sure how it all started, but it says who is freight train. It's like a hype video. I've been in the business for 13 years. I'm about to go against some top superstars like you and the belt about to be

my hands taking the belt home with me and going to be on my smooth belly. I've seen you on punk, right here on my smooth belly. It is called dynamite. Do suck people. Cause if I had to cut promo on him, cut one on me. But we had the time to get up and Peter gets this man car budget and stuff. See, I think I might get into this low rent pro wrestling stuff.

Yeah, I think this should be the stuff. This is way funnier to me than that stuff that people are always watching on TV. I agree. This I would watch on television. This is awesome. Yeah, it's hilarious. The yeah, the big hype stuff is like what looks like, I don't know, dog shit to me. So there's the belt and then I just want to hear what Eugene sounds like. It's supposed to be Eugene, a bad guy.

See the bad music came in. Wow. What does he sound? Does he sound? Yeah. Well, wow, he's angry. It sounds really angry. Yeah.

These guys really don't like each other. No, this is real, man. It feels realer than, like, the professional ones. Hmm. You know? Yeah. It's all good against evil, this wrestling stuff, right? You were, um, pointing out that you're pretty gassy today.

Yeah, it's funny, the farts just started, and I, well, I know why. I had two bowls of poop soup before we did the show. Ah, yeah. You also ate your skete before the show. Yeah, but what do you attribute your farts to? Um... Let's do some brown detective work. Okay.

Let's see, uh, Mr. Tom, you woke up this morning. Uh-huh. Yes, Brownlock, I did. What was the first thing that you put in your mouth? Coffee? Yes. And did you make brown after you drank your coffee? I think so.

You think so, or you know so? I did. I did. I remember because you were in there and I was like, hey, another person has to shit in here. So, you made brown after you had your coffee, and then what happened? Um, let's see. I left, I had that appointment in the morning, and then I met up with you and had breakfast.

I hadn't eaten anything that whole time. And what did you eat at breakfast? Two eggs. How? Well, they... They had... ...basted with turkey sausage links, a few potatoes, they were like the big squares. I didn't even finish that.

Mmm. And then we had some, by the way, we had split a blueberry pancake. They probably wasn't healthy. And when did the farts occur? I had some coffee there too, but not a full cup. Just like half a cup of coffee, water. And then we left there and I had crazy explosive shit when I got home. Mm-hmm.

So, would it be the breakfast? Now, knowing your prior history of breakfast eating followed by explosive gases and diarrhea, I'ma put forth the possible explanation that much of your gas is due to eating runny eggs. Now, basted means the yolk is runny. Is that correct? Um, I... Yeah, that is correct. Well, I'm gonna tell you exactly what causes that kind of fart.

That seems to be the common denominator with your farts. So I should not have egg yolks. Well, when you have them scrambled, do you fart as much? No, ma'am. I'll rest my case. Wow. Big words. I do think that you always have explosive shits after you have breakfast out in a diner,

but not when you have it at home. Is that correct? Um, yeah, I have it... Yeah, I have it more when I'm out. Yeah, you're right. And I do believe it is due to the runniness of the eggs. Runny eggs? I think so.

It's quite possible. You don't like fried things, don't agree with you, like tempura and runny eggs. It's interesting. It could be the cause of farts. Speaking of farts, here's one more thing to digest, and again, if this doesn't end up sponsoring our show, something's wrong with the world. Have you been in those uncomfortable situations where you have to control yourself to not do the simple things that humans do?

Can you stop sneezing? Can you stop yawning? Can you control farting? Maybe you cannot control your farts, but now you can reduce them. Let me explain how. This is CH4. CH4 is a device that helps you to keep track of your farts. Really?

My farts? What the f**k? Yes, your farts. In case you didn't know, farts are all about your food habits. If you change them, you could avoid many uncomfortable situations, an important meeting in a small room. A first date. What do you think?

I think it's finally long overdue. Let's listen to what the app does. An intimate encounter. As you digest food, gases such as hydrogen, methane, and carbon dioxide collect in your intestines. If you knew which kind of food was causing more gases, you could reduce them significantly. CH4 is very simple to use. You turn the device on and put it in the back pocket of your jeans or attach it to the back

of your belt. Then, in the CH4 phone app, you keep track of your meals. The app tracks your farts and recommends changes to your diet that will eliminate them. So it's kind of doing the work that you were talking about. I love this. This is long overdue in our lives. When is this available? I think it's available now.

It's basically doing brown-lock work for you, but you have to obviously participate and be honest with what you're eating and when you're farting. It's pretty good, right? I think it's genius. Yeah. It's about time. It's about time. Yeah, so you've got to really watch your farts.

You've just put it in your back pocket, in your jeans pocket, but then how does it collect the data? Because sometimes that's not where your brown hole is. That's just your butt cheek, but not your brown hole. Right. I don't know. I guess. It doesn't seem like an accurate way to collect the data.

It's right near the fart, like escape route. But it's like... All right. I know. What? It's on these mirrors. It's on these mirrors. I get it.

It's in your car. You don't want to sit on your phone, so maybe you could put the phone by your butt cheek when you're driving. I have so many questions. Hmm. Yeah. Well, I mean, it seems like a pretty cool thing. Yeah.

Do you think it's going to be a hit? Hi. I'm Rodrigo Narciso, a graduate student at the Interactive Telecommunications Program. So you're going to Mayo. Oh, so this thing isn't out yet. There's a Kickstarter for this, for this fart gadget. Oh, okay. So now you know where to send your money.

Our audience is definitely on board. Yeah. I feel like we could probably fund that whole thing. Probably, right? Of course. The mommies get on this. I think we could do this. We totally could do this.

Yeah. Happy Cinco de Mayo. What are we going to do now? I got to do some laundry. I have a would you rather. I'll give a would you rather? What the fuck, man? You should have set that up.

I didn't fucking told you ready, ready, yep. That email really inspired me about the girl husband situation. So Tom, this is just for you. Just for me. What email would you rather? Jesus. All right. Would you rather have your life such that me, your wife, that I either have dad mouth

all the time? I have dad mouth, just 24 seven dad mouth. And I smell like your dad's mouth. I guess it's top dog dad mouth. So far, every time we talk, all I want to talk about is Beverly Hills 90210 Beverly Hills 90210. God, I was waiting for what the other one was going to be, but it's the original cast and all I want to talk about, you know, I feel like the show was done well enough where

I could like start watching it and get into it. I think I could. But if I always wanted to bring the conversation around, I would just, you know, I would just I would get all the episodes and I would just start watching them and I'd be like, yeah, fucking Brandon is crazy that he did that this episode. He should have gone to class. If I'm like, ginger ale, oh my God, there was this episode where Brenda drank a bunch of ginger ale.

Yeah, I remember. And then fucking Marty couldn't take it anymore. There's no Marty. You know what I mean? Yeah, I would get into it. You'd be so annoyed. You divorced me after like a month. I would divorce you quicker for dad mouth because in this scenario, dad mouth can't go away.

There is no cure to dad mouth. I didn't say it can't go away. I just have persistent dad mouth for food. We could try. Bad breath is one of those things. Bad breath that it's really hard to deal with. I mean, no, people that have consistent dad breath stand out to you. You know, you're just like, Jesus.

And and it's never, for me, a lover. So it's like, that's way crazier. I'll never forget when we were on the cruise and your dad was standing next to Jane and Jane goes, Jesus Christ, dad, your mouth stinks. Someone have some chewing gum for dad. It's gonna be gum. I think I said it to him, too. Everybody was like, oh, yeah, I was going to brush my teeth, but I didn't.

But something like that. I was like, why were you going to and didn't I don't know, is it bad? Everybody smells his mouth. Well, we should paint the pace. Not like the guy walks around with just a fucking shit mouth all the time. You're making it sound like he's got a diseased mouth. No, but it's dad mouth. We're like, he brushes and stuff.

And then how soon after the brushing does the mouth smell like that? I remember that was we were meeting up for dinner. He had he taken a nap and he just woke up and he didn't brush. Yeah. So he had real bad dad mouth right there. But I think like, you know, on a normal day, the guy gets up and he brushes his teeth and uses mouthwash and it's fine. But I think with dads at that age, they they have to do it more often.

They should be brushing their teeth three, four times a day. Essentially, what's happening is their their whole mouth, like the rest of their body, it's decaying. It's they're going through living decomp because they're older. So we'll be there one day. I can't believe it. One day you're going to have dad mouth for sure. Oh, my God, for sure.

It's going to be bad. But what would you rather if, if, OK, would you rather me have dad mouth all the time, right? Or I just talk about football all the time. Talking about games, players, different coaches, different, different formations that people can line up, different defensive schemes. And you always find a way to bring it back to football.

Like the spaghetti is delicious. Well, it's be spaghetti. There's a player. You know, there was a game one time where all the guys ate spaghetti right before. Honestly, that would make me crazy here. Then dad mouth. Because the thing with dad mouth, you can cover it with gum. I can give you like temporary solutions to dad mouth.

I can I can listering you up. The constant, the constant football. It's really funny to me. It's like your trainer who always talks about Jesus. It's so horrible. Yeah, it's horrible when someone does that. You know, when someone's in love and they always want to bring it back to that person they're in love with, it's just worse.

OK, all right, let's eat some pancake, man. I put that shit in the oven. All right, thanks for listening, guys. We love you. Keep it, Jesus. Brush your teeth, guys. Brush your teeth. Bye, everybody.

Bye, meows. We had a little bit of an argument going. Oh, like, who's the main? Who's the main, mommy? I'm the main, mommy. The main, mommy, me. I believe the main, mommy. I qualify.

Could be the main, mommy. I'm the main, mommy. Christine is the main, mommy. Did you know that? Speaking of the main, mommy. And the main, mommy. There you go. Do you fart more?

You wear more jeans. I think this is always going to break out in a tie. No matter what you bring up, you can bring out this and you guys just have to be the moms together. That's true. You know, that's what you agreed upon. Anyways. See, someone reasonable just came in to the picture.

Right, whatever. We'll have to agree to mommy agree. Yeah, which makes me the main, mommy.