Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 294-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 30, 2015

Your Mom's have been busy, yo. Sorry, Jeans. Sometimes your mothers are out doing so much they have to delay doing what they love most - the Momcast. We've been shooting our pilot and trying to live thru puppyhood. Both are exhausting. PLUS we have some VERY NSFW audio on this one. This episode might seriously be a collection of some of the most sexually offensive clips we've ever played, plus a new one that's going in the vault.  We review the first 10 minutes of a Steven Seagal film that is so bad, so impossibly not put together that after a 3rd viewing we're still not sure what's going on - but Stone Cold Steve Austin is in it too.  You ready to Fill Her Up? We got that too. 

And then It's the worst dog our new dog. She's the worst the worst Isn't that amazing the one week we got from the breeder spent a fortune on is The shittiest dog in the world and the one we got from Downey who was on death row is like the best dog on the planet fucking unreal We'll get into it all in a minute. Sorry. We're late. We got a lot to tell you about why we're late shooting the the pilot obviously I'll tell you a couple Show things coming up. I had to cancel Las Vegas. So I'm sorry if you live in Vegas if you're a Vegas human going to Vegas no longer doing June 12th there. I am in Phoenix

Fartnix June 11th and Calgary June 13th at the Laugh Shop in Calgary. Very excited to be back there Please come to those shows Park West Chicago and The Crowfoot in Pontiac, Michigan. That's June 27th and 28th, and then I'm coming to New Brunswick New Jersey Fartford, Connecticut The Bell House in Brooklyn and the Wilberth Boston. That's June 15th Through the 18th. Jeans and I will be in Montreal for the comedy festival in July as well

We're doing a live podcast as well as stand-up shows And I've added a bunch of shows On my page if you go to tomscuro.com shows you can see the new editions DC is on sale st. Louis is on sale little rock, arkansas, houston, et cetera. Sorry about Vegas I think I was not in the right place for it. I was downtown. I should have been on the strip and it just wasn't Wasn't moving well, so I had to I had to get out of it My apologies. I'd like to do Vegas, but you got to You know

You got to play ball with me Jeans you're going to denver soon. Mm-hmm denver the denver momprop the momprop June 18th. That's my smurf day. That is your smurf day. June 18th. June 19th. June 20th June 21st Come see me. Do you stand up there? I'm excited. I'm gonna try a bunch of new stuff out working some stuff out Yeah, no, it should be fun. Jeans doesn't like when you bake her stuff from the home. So don't bring her anything You know what I really hate is a white trash pancake yellow cake with the chocolate frosting

You don't like when people bring it from the house. That's the worst. Yeah Don't you dare? No, make me a nice homemade pan pancake white trash pancake. You don't you don't eat that though. You don't have it I know But they're thinking you're being sarcastic and you are gonna eat it. I get scared sometimes That's what i'm saying. So actually that somebody could be really thoughtful and do it and you're not gonna have it I get scared. I know because I go. I don't I don't know you should Buy it sign and sealed and delivered from the store

buy it from the grocery store Roastery store. It's always you don't know. You don't know what motherfuckers are up to I'm surprised people let their children eat Halloween candy when you think about it In LA we used to go get our our candy x-rayed at the local hospital before we ate it in the 80s I know I know jeans

Believe me jeans. I did you guys do that? No You see no, we did not do that. We didn't live in this dangerous city jeans Man there's so much to get into It's been a crazy week for us jeans Wait till we get into all this for you guys sitting in my bathrobe right now I don't have pants on I couldn't I couldn't even like muster the energy to find a pair of sweats. That's how I'm in boxers and I have an open button down And I got hanging what did you even get slippers on or are we barefoot? I got slippers. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

It's been it's been a tough one today. We mustered the strength to go eat Korean barbecue It's been that's huge. We got to get in there. Let's open the show and we'll get into all the details. Here we go Oh Yeah This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this Don't burn when the fuck is there? Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house With Don Segura

And Christina Pazitzic Welcome to your mom's house Yeah Yeah Yeah, you know normally I'm not a huge fan of the porno clips, but that one was really funny. It's pretty good, right? Yeah, I like that she had the like the comedic ability to do a funny voice and be like you got my pussy talking now Like it's it's so silly. It's amazing and and you know what she also did She did the thing where

An embarrassing thing happened and she spun it into Funny but also positive like positive energy. I like that. You're doing so good that my pussy is talking now You know like instead of being like oh or mortified she she spun it into like it's a good thing Right. I yeah, I I like that. I really admire that quality in people Yeah, it's pretty amazing. I found it on accident, you know, oh just from your normal perusing of pornography I didn't know it was gonna happen. It's good. She has she talks a lot of shit. It's kind of funny Oh, yeah Let me see you also

Yes Well, I like the the one sentence I didn't know if I was ready for the whole thing It's intense. Well, she's like she she talks about how he's teaching her a lesson and stuff. I think it's funny We just opened the show People are at their desks They're in their offices Their workshops And this is what they hear. We went right to a tent immediately. Yeah, we gotta let's pull back a little

Or not, let's keep playing it She's fucking good. Don't you know that Oh She's saucy. Yeah, you know what I think the porn industry needs somebody like this because There are great shit talkers. There are great personalities nick manning dropping loads. Right known on howard stern Um, our delay or departed Uh, rocko safredi or dearly departed Great personality great charisma care. I feel like she could be the next

Rocko or the next nick manning teaching my ass a lesson, huh? Right? She's saucy and she's funny. Yeah What's her name? Does she have a name? I don't know. That's the thing is this clip has just a mystery a mystery A mystery hilarious horror. Yeah Just a mystery tramp. Yeah, it's like good for her. She's funny though, man I like when they get real direct. I think it's funny farted right on me. Yeah That dog knows how to fart doesn't give a fuck this dog That dog knows how to fart that's for sure. We've been Talking about a lot of things and one thing is the dog definitely is part of the family. It's a farting dog

God she is something isn't she browning Guys We have been Right in my face. It's like we had a fucking baby this dog. It's like we got her at 14 weeks I think part of it is that We imagined we were getting Something with like thief's personality like kind of laid back. It's kind of chill sleeps about 20 hours a day Like thief does yeah

Just likes to eat nap. Is this dog gonna chill? You know, I don't know. I'm hoping I think after four years You think that's what I'm saying like four years from now. She's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be a great dog What about like three years from now? I know at one year. They're still they're like adolescents And then a year and a half maybe the chill comes It's exhausting. I mean like, you know, obviously we knew that though that the first few nights the puppy are hard They cry all night and stuff and we're prepared for that but

She's so much energy Like you there are times where you can't even hold her To pet her because she's just like Just like a whirling dervish. I dropped her Well, I tried to pick her up and she now jumps like I used to be able to just a few days ago I could just hold her and she would be fine. I picked her up and she's jumping out of my hands Yeah, she jumped and I tried I could feel her coming out of the hand and I was holding something in my other hand She was like crawling on my back

And she leaped out of my hand from like four feet up I'm like, oh my god, she's dead and then I turn around. She's just like what the Doesn't even not even miss a beat man made of rubber. I checked her paws in her head. I'm like, are you just get hurt? Nope Well, she does that where she you know as much as you keep an eye on this dog and we keep a pretty You know vigilant eye I mean you turn your you blink and the dog's leaping off the couch or You know

Fuck taking a shit somewhere or pissing or stepping in that shit stepping in the best Yeah, the best is when we wake up in the morning and she stepped in the shit on her potty patch and tracked the shit everywhere in her Play pan. Hi guys. You want to hang out? Yeah She's had like 10 mini baths 10 to just clean her paws every morning all the shit that's in them Psycho dog and then she has colitis Which is coxidia not colitis. That's what people have coxidia, which is you know, she got it from the breeder or whatever the fuck So then she had runny dumps, which was extra nice and smelly farts

Hey speaking of personality. Do you remember? Oh my fucking cut. Oh shit. My cut my cut my cut Who could forget? Yeah, that was just something I just ran across right now. You're talking about big personality She's another one in this industry that Should be bigger and just isn't a bigger name and a mystery. I don't know. I don't know why I don't know who she is I wish I knew who she was. Well a problem with these women is that they need a big bigger branding You know rocko this he I'm assuming he branded himself pretty early. Oh my god He got he was really on top of that. Yeah

He was really on top of that and he knew you know that it was important and He established that you know, but some of these people just don't know That's another talented actress. Yeah a strong performer a very strong performer Very strong performer Babe, he doesn't it's not that bad He's nice and it's not that it's a belly strong performer I haven't actually heard my voice in the conversation for nearly three years now This is not Yoshi. Yoshi's better than that. I know

Yeah, they got to have a little pizzazz though. That's what makes you remember these girls. Yeah My that's a big cock or my sister That is the key to being a porn star because everyone's doing the same thing you're doing they're banging Yeah, it's really a stylistic choice That's so true. Yeah, it's as with anything in life. Everybody's doing the same shit You got to put you got to put your life on it your spin. Where's your pizzazz? That guy's the best he should be a strong performer

We want to celebrate you if you're into this we celebrate you. Yeah, I'm such an info I mean, I just fucking swallowed a load Twice today And it's only like one o'clock two o'clock in the afternoon Yeah, see that's yeah, I'm such a fucking member. That's spice. You know Oh, he's one of my favorites. Yeah, the nipples. Yeah Come on suck on this Zion nips

On giant nips Giants German again the Germans The Germans that they make great razor blades and they make you suck the giant nips Oh That's the worst is that sound And this oh She's finally calmed down. Yeah

If you get her if you get her on your lap and there's nothing else to do like if she's high in a chair She'll calm and she's just cute as shit. That's the thing. Yeah the saving grace is as much as she makes you crazy Yeah, she's a fucking like not even real. She looks like a stuffed animal like it's crazy She's the cutest puppy I've ever seen in my life. Yeah besides the food for of course, but we never knew him as a puppy as a pup I wish we would have known him as a pup It really does I think you were saying this the other day that it makes you real really thankful for theo It does and how good he is put it in perspective even more as I already loved him so much but then

Man with this dog. I was like wow. He's really awesome. He he really has a no behavioral Uh issue he never chewed our house up. He was never you know shitting everywhere and marking things He never was like barking or no He doesn't do it. He has a separation stuff, but that we've kind of figured a way around But that's it. That was his only his only quirk Yeah, um, yeah, he's such a sweet boy I'm a freaky bitch That's a good one. Yeah

I'm a freaky bitch that personality being a fat girl. Put that on youtube. I'd watch that shit What's your uh porn personality? What do you think your your hook would be? Oh, I think it would be you know Harry and gross Harry and gross. I think yeah, I think I would just be I would play into like the fact that I don't shower You know, so I'd be like, oh who smells worse than me right now? That'd be like my angle. I think

Like you're like the gross guy. Yeah, like who smells I smell And then they still have to do the scene with me. Oh and the girls are all gagging on their badger ball smells Oh guys smell terrible. They're crying and stuff. I want that hook though. Oh, I already took it hard fucking core I took it You know, I'm trying to think of a good angle. What's my angle? Help me Your angle. Oh, I want to be a strong performer. You probably you can make your tits fart Have you guys seen my big tits fart? Yeah, that's a pretty good angle. What? It's only smells. It's okay. It's only smell That's my hook. That's my hook. Well, the thing is I'm a strong farter

Why isn't my hook every time I'm uh, here's here's the hook We're done with the act the guy begogs and then I fart and I go it's only smells But you're you're sampling you're like a well, no, I then let me think of a better catchphrase It's I fart and then I go That's that's the way this cookie crumbled or that's the way the farts go I think smell this magic Yeah, you smell it You remember me by this fart. What have you had a mental breakdown at the beginning of beach scene?

Oh, come on. Every girl does in these probably no like where you shave your head and then That'd be a fun. That's not a hook, babe. Sure. It is. They're like this girl's really unstable it's not like dropping loads or It's only smells or fuck me in my ass, man. What if you stab guys at the end of each scene? I could do that. Yeah, see you love that so angry. Yeah. Yeah, you love that. Yeah, something to really showcase my anger So how about right as the guy's about to begog you kick him in the nut? That's sorry. That's genius. I'm sorry I got to acknowledge that one. That is genius. That's the one and he's just like Fuck he's in the worst. There you go. What the fuck? I like that and you go. That's the fuck

And that's right. There you go. I like that. I like that as he's like, uh, you stop you stop on his nuts again I really like that and then I bet you I'd have a line around the block for something like that Yep Yeah, pretty good Oh, yeah, suck that cock Oh, fuck you Gobble it up, baby This is pretty dirty

Oh, I'm gonna come up in the face for all the motherfucking niggas in the boutain clan Staten island Shaolin Oh, yeah, I'm about to give you my 36 chambers of cum, bitch That was pretty dirty That was probably that was probably too and that's when I kick him right in his nuts right as he's about to So there's no There's no finishing in your scenes. No, just right and then the guy's like

Oh god I love this guy. Yeah, kid. Do we have more of him? Him? Yeah So gross I just had nine Rather powerful Orgasmic sensations full of my entire body Gross. I don't like the way he said that I had you like the 36 chambers guy. He goes. I had nine rather powerful orgasmic sensations

Just saying like dude, I blew my load nine times. Like why do you have to say it like a nerd alert? I had a lot of powerful Rather powerful Love the vegan No, that's sexual. No, that could be your hook. No, I have a vegan vagina. No No way, man. I had cream barbecue today. Yeah, but I okay. What if you like I I had uh, so good Can we go back again? Yes, absolutely I don't even feel that gross like, you know how when you eat that and all the garlic and all the kimchi like it has no effect on me

I think we did it right today though. That was really good, man Here's the deal. You do cream barbecue for lunch. Not dinner, right? You know what I'm saying? I do know what you're saying Because you don't want to come home and then try to sleep on a stomach full of garlic and beef Which we just did by the way though. We sure came home. We slept nap. We napped. Yeah Yeah, um, so we should tell everybody what's up Like here's you know, this is a really crazy week for us guys and it's not over yet. We're doing this episode right now, um, even though in

A few hours we should get to bed Because we have another day of shooting tomorrow. We're shooting our pilot, you know the thing we've been gearing up for for a while Months. Yeah, so it's been really really fun and I'm sure the network's gonna love this episode with the audio We've played thus far. Yeah, I really hope they're all listening Yeah That'll be really neat they're like wait we gave these guys a It's all fucked me in my ass and it's been worse than that. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty intense. Sorry guys Um, but anyways, that's the the whole show is not like that, but

That being said, um It's been a really cool experience, you know your genes are Together doing a show together that we got to write together and we're performing in it together and we got to hire friends and and really funny funny people to play parts in this thing and Basically the lead-up going into this was just It was a lot. It was very demanding. We had a lot of meetings. We had a lot of um

Things we just had to attend to so it threw us off and Wednesday Was our first day of shooting and we had a We got up at 4 a.m. I don't know how it's like I'm crazy shows and TV movies. They do this all the time Yeah, I guess they do for months on end like six days a week And we were we were doing like rewrites the day before and you know, we had we had all kinds of stuff going on We just we really could not get to the show and then we shot all day. We shot all day yesterday

today we had down as they're building an uh A soundstage they're building a replica of our podcast studio. Yeah, which is so cool. I can't wait to see it I can't wait. I heard they're going to make it the same size as ours. It's going to be small But the room at the soundstage is huge. I don't know how tomorrow Is not going to be a 16 hour day when they showed us what we have to shoot tomorrow We have to shoot Like podcasts like like, you know, so they'll shoot us basically doing this And then at least we're sitting down. We're sitting down. My body hurts. I know and then after that

We still have to shoot a bunch of we have to shoot Stuff in the house and then we just shoot exterior stuff too. It's going to be a long day It's going to be a really long day. I know but guess who's going to come with us tomorrow Yeah, the FIFA nader comes with us tomorrow. He's on the show too. He came in the first day He's got a sad card and he's like he gets his own trailer and he's just like, you know, you don't pay me so He's so tired. So we woke him up the first night at four in the morning And we took him on set all day. He was running around all day and he was like in so many scenes He was so exhausted, but we got him home. So cute

Poor little buddy. He's passed out so so long Yeah, but it was fun the show. I think the pilot's going to be great Yeah, we'll see Yeah, and we have like the this great team that we're working with. I mean the network's been awesome The production company's been awesome. We really lucked out. We're working with good people By the way, our good friend Matt gave us the deets on shrimp nibblers. Oh, yeah So I'm sure he's not listening to this episode with his kids. He's busy. I told me I was listening to one But this is definitely not maybe not this one. I think we screwed this one up

Uh, but anyway shrimp nibblers apparently only come around during lent. He said He had to do some research for that. That's like he's really dedicated to that to that shrimp nibbler lifestyle Don't you think shrimp nibblers? Yeah It's a lot I do like I who doesn't love fried bread at shrimp. Everyone loves it, but not from white castle. I mean that's so dodgy Matt loves it He loves it. Did he really does he say he eats it? He said he's he's fucking he's totally started like a local chapter of the The shrimp nibbler society

The shrimp nibblers What a great name for a product though the shrimp nibbler. Oh my god, nibblers are great. Oh my gosh Oh my gosh, that's probably she's my favorite of all time. Yeah, that one's not so pornoy too. It's not as you know It's not as crazy. I like her her feigning Shame, I think that's what makes me laugh the most You know, oh my gosh I'm so embarrassed. You think she is embarrassed? Yeah I think she is

She's not embarrassed. That's why it's so great um I can't believe I farted Oh gosh I didn't know I was gonna do that. Oh my gosh Hi, bitzels. See how cute she's being now. Mm-hmm. Betsy's calm now It just takes a while to get her there now. Are you sure we're settled on bitzie? Is it gonna be tamar?

Well, we we just haven't been calling her tamar. I mean if we're gonna do that, we gotta do it now But she's learned the word no she's learned that enough. Yeah two weeks Yeah, no and then like hey get over it. Stop doing that come here. Yeah, she knows that one quiet Stop it you're so annoying God, you're not like the other dog What's wrong with you? You're the worst I'm so glad this dog doesn't speak English. Please stop stepping in shit. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with y'all? Your niggas are crazy

She's so crazy. She is crazy. She's such a crazy n-word If we're using that context, oh if we're using that kind of the pastor man in context, okay, sure There you go. Got you Such a lunatic But she's you know, it's crunching. She's already grown in one week. Yeah Like uh, her legs have actually gotten longer. She's already gotten sturdier and bigger. I can see it and and Here's the whole the horrifying part. So we have She's so small that it's hard to crate her for very long. She'll just shit her crate at this point like she's just she's not ready

And um, so we have like this playpen for her in the living room You know, it's got her potty patch everything she needs in there bedding and bup-up-up And uh, so we had a dog walker come and he wrote a note and he's like, oh, I came home I came to in your house and she was like out. She was loose. I'm like, what are you talking about? There's no way and you look and there's there's no way out. No, it's the tall wire thing There's no way this dog. I'm thinking maybe she went around we have her bed The potty patch bowl of water water toys everything. Yeah everything um

And then so I'm thinking this guy's on drugs. Maybe he let he let her out or something. He didn't do it, right? And then that was it and then the next day we came home And you go she's sitting on the couch. She's on the couch Yeah, she fucking get out. So we put her in it and within two to three days She had figured out how to climb The entire the fence like to the playpen wall which is by the way, I mean It's probably three to three and a half feet tall. It's way bigger than her

She crawls up and we watched her she gets to the top flips herself over the top Bang and then she's like Walks around she's like I'm out of that shit such a nightmare. Well the first time She escaped that way what had happened was we put her bed up against the wire crate Right. So she was using it as as like leverage. Yeah boost and then there was another Dog bed on the other side So she had she had great cushioning to do it and I figure well, you know, that sucks That's not great. But at least she's not going to break her neck

Well, let's move the bed in the middle of the thing and let's move the thing So she can't do it and this bitch found a way she did I'm surprised she I don't know how she hasn't cracked her skull open like That's terrifying. So we have to now we have another crate with a lid on it so that she can't Can't do that, you know Because we we're leaving these dogs for hours and we have a dog walker coming in Just tell us this how long is it going to take her to be chill? All right, is it going to take a year years? Or is she going to chill out in a few months?

I my hope is the six months mark. It'll be a little better And then a year mark. It's going to get better Well, she's just at Four she just passed four. Yeah months. So she's going into her fifth month right now. Yeah Oh my god She's sleeping with her eyes open right now. She's doing the eye open thing. Um Hey speaking of uh Sex stuff you remember angel, of course

You're going to start with the tip of your tongue on the top right side of the head of his penis You're going to cross over the shaft to the left side of the testicles Nor that how can I forget? so um, I guess Somebody kimberley kane Did a little visit with her. She's a uh an adult star And um, I guess went to investigate the grapefruit technique that got so popular

Well angel is just really taken off since her first appearance on your mom's house. Your mom's house was First look this has become a place your mom's house has become a place where stars come now To to share gloria stefan the miami fart machine to celebrate. Yeah miami fart machine Brace from jiggalos Mm-hmm. We have had angel from angel filet. She'll see chris long before anyone else had her on let's let's Way before we were like the first people to discover her uh auntie fee fee Auntie fee fee also one of ours Let's not forget shane lee

Great singer huge star. Yep our find Yep peter kane Hello Huge star also from your mom's house So our show has broken many stars and celebrates current stars of today Let's see what kim found out when she went to visit angel kane and i'm in los angeles

And i'm here to meet a woman named anti angel who has this Blowjob technique where she uses food Like grapefruits. You're gonna twist up and down on his shaft. It's like the head at the same time I just want everyone to know that food is your friend Make it part of every day in your life. Um, especially sex Everyone thinks that I would know everything there is to know about sex because I've been doing it for so long on film But I don't so i'm gonna fucking learn today Very nice to meet you

I really wanted to meet you because I saw your video online everybody's seen it. It's awesome Would you try the grapefruit? I know we discussed it when it came out. I forgot it. You forgot it I have no idea what the grapefruit is the grapefruit technique. All I know is the figure eight. That's what I remember You don't remember the grapefruit technique. No Babe, we had a show where we like played all the clips of the grapefruit technique I'm forgetting it That's like saying I forget, you know Babe, it's been a long it's been a long time. I know but how do you forget that?

The grapefruit Now this is my bonus technique the grapefruit Normally you can only get this technique in one of my classes But I want to share this with you because I believe every man should get grapefruit It when you grapefruit your man is going to feel as if you are giving him head And fucking him at the same time no better feeling what he ever get than being grapefruit it You don't remember any of that. No So what you need to do is you need to of course have a grapefruit

You want to make sure you get the ruby red Sweeter is easier if you are allergic to grapefruit or can't use the grapefruit for your medication You can always use a large navel orange now She cuts a hole in the grapefruit. That's the basis of it. Oh, I totally forgot. I love grapefruit Your blowjob technique is amazing too. Yes, and those sounds I know sounds I always want to be unforgettable that he would never never forget that sound and with a grapefruit Yeah, girl. No, there's no better feeling than a man will ever get than being grapefruit it Really nothing else would ever replicate it because the inside of it the way you cut it actually mimics the line of her vagina

Wow See So she yeah, okay You understand. No, I get it. I got it auntie angel Is changing up the game right now? You know I feel like you're not You're not really doing I just feel like it's a lot of work, you know, like it's not enough

I just I feel tired I got you know what I mean as a woman like wait a minute what Now I gotta fucking cut up my favorite fruits and put them on your dick and stuff It's like a lot of work. You're gonna eat them too though. You're gonna enjoy your fruit Where's the where's the guy who's like you need to cut up a banana and shove it up hers? I'll do that Yeah, I mean, where's the where's the counter to angel? To me teaching guys right here Hey guys

You need to get you need to get a cucumber and shove it up inside of her. It's really good, tom Put your dick between your legs That's angel You don't want to know more about the fallacious. Yeah, I'd love to hear more. I'll give you some more fallacious secrets Exactly. That's amazing. Everyone is stuck on the grapefruit, which I love But I want them to be a little bit more creative as well, you know, think of all the things that you do at the grocery store and get And I gotta tell you can you pause for me sure and sex Okay, it's really a bad idea actually food and sex. I don't know if you've ever tried

You know whip cream or the the sounds like you have slut fifth grade. It's so fifth grade It's messy. Okay. The problem with the grapefruit is that this you're gonna have juice everywhere on his crotch on your bed Well, tell us about your experience. You seem like you're I've done the great I invented first of all. She's not the first bitch to do the grapefruit. You did the grape. I did the cantaloupe The cantaloupe in junior high school in the junior high I invented the camp so what sixth seventh grade sixth grade sixth grade right out of elementary school Yeah, everyone was doing it in LA. Okay What is the cantaloupe tell us what happened the same thing is the grapefruit, but it's less messy and you know if

If auntie what's her tits weren't such a rookie she would know about the cantaloupe. The cantaloupe is less juice everywhere Durr, okay Yeah, you're so dirty Such a dirty girl Um, so you're saying just I think this is just a mess. It's really more of a mess than a good time food everywhere food and sex I don't think so booboo is an amazing combination because we all love food. We all love sex So I see we have like celery. I would like hit him with it Like with a limp celery like abusing. Why don't you also give him what I call hair?

Hair and you just take it and you can actually just kind of go this over his whole body this penis testicles legs Really sensual, right? So, you know, just kind of think outside the box ginger smells good It does but not so much for to put on his body something for him to ingest Ginger pineapple cinnamon those things If you eat it or he eats it actually change the taste of his semen and your vaginal secretion. Really? Yes I thought that was a myth. I I've heard that too. Is that really? Well, when I was in third grade, I had my boyfriend drink a lot of pineapple juice and it made no difference in third grade third grade

Let's see I don't know maybe if everybody swears by people swear. We're gonna get tons of emails It's true. Pineapple juice does affect the tankiness in me. Uh, so my boyfriend saw it Hot apples, so it does it So Here's an article about it Um You probably have to drink a ton of it to make a difference in your body fluids

Right like that whole thing if you eat to any carrots, you can turn orange You'd have to do that a lot. No, that's my point. Yeah, you have to eat so many Yes You'd have to really commit yourself to to the project. Okay. It's not just a casual cup. You know, I mean, you know what I'm saying So here this girl says that she loves giving blowjobs But she does not love the taste of spunk No matters who it is. It tastes like a sour juice bitters mold and a dirty sock I've uh, she's this lady's not into it

She loves her pearl necklace But the taste of semen makes her gag Yep, and so she decided to do the test pineapple juice Um went to work I still taste it still tasted smell exactly the same. So this isn't like medical, but this lady gave it a shot

Um Let's see He said, uh, this says that peter north You know, who is a huge fan of peter north That he eats he sandblasts every single girl in the scenes with a gallon of his man juice He told me because he eats a bunch of celery the day before Hmm Whatever every bit helps, you know every little bit helps

Who knows maybe with some people sure you don't know I mean, I miss you eat a little bit of asparagus and it makes your pee smell So who knows You know, you know the saying like mad broncher always says different strokes same folks Or same same folks same strokes same folks for different same strokes for different folks Same strokes for everyone Everybody's exactly the same tom Um, then they tried

meat I don't think that changed. I think meat effects Meat definitely affects how you smell like your pores and your browns Yeah, yeah, I can tell when you've been eating Browns you can definitely tell your dumps are more powerful Your sweats are like meatier. Really? Uh-huh. You smell like meat Or maybe that's just your beard. Maybe all the smells are getting trapped in your beard

We need to have we need a doctor to weigh in on this. I'm surprised more medical doctors don't listen to our show This is a very medical show I'm sure as many more people with phd's don't listen to our show Well, this makes a good point and this other article says that It's a difficult thing to test because taste is subjective, you know, that's another thing So what's sweet to one person you got to have like this one lady have all these lows coming in her mouth And everyone's eating different stuff. You know who you need You need like a mario batali. What's his name the chef

You need some because chefs have really really refined palates You need somebody with amazing sense of taste Oh, right. So everybody could come in my aria batali's beer. Yes. He could scoop it up. Yes That's that that is different. That that come is tastier. I'm sensing. I'm sensing cinnamon. I'm sensing Not mag. I'm sensing southern france region. I'm sensing Uh cacao and um, yes, it's quite quite refined Is there a lot of meat in your diet?

That's really delicious. Thank you for coming all over my beard um Yeah Oh, I read this article in vice a while ago like years ago because of people some um I can't talk people sometimes say that um Seaman is a great lotion like it makes your skin softer. Yeah, and so it was super funny This lady did this experiment where she put semen on half of her face

For a week and then lotion on the other and at the end of the week, she's like, yeah, that's a myth It's like by the end of the week my face was kind of red and scratchy and you know, who would disagree with you though Like fully disagree with you I want to talk a little bit about the white tiger's practices because in this dvd We're using some of the techniques from that practice I practice as a white tiger's for about a year And one of the premises and there's a lot to the practice So I'm just speaking mostly about the oral sex aspects of it

But the belief is that your spirituality and your sexuality are tied together and if you can't face directly your sexuality I want to talk a little bit about the white tiger's practices I practice as a white tiger's for about a year in the oral sex tradition There's a lot of things like for example, we have a technique where you're really sucking deeply the penis and You're almost like gagging on it And when I first heard about this technique and then saw it I was like saw it. Oh my goodness And it was oh my goodness like the thing that came up in me was that it's degrading to women Or the technique where you're holding the back of the head and the man is holding her head and then circling his hips and

Grinding his penis into her mouth how enjoyable it is to have his penis inside of your mouth deep in your throat How enjoyable it is especially around the One of the practices is to actually have semen on your face And you're meditating and you're drawing in you're visualizing white light and you're drawing in his essence through his semen We know that this is also beneficial semen has lots of wonderful proteins and minerals and things in it that are great for your skin See I that's not true though. This vice article. That's a white tigress. I listen to vice White tigress Knows what's up. Does she have any medical data? I'm sure she does. She's probably a doctor

She's probably a doctor if there's any medical doctors listening that have done extensive research on the values of semen on skin Let us know let's get out of semen for a moment. Why? Everybody loves semen. Isn't that the sitcom we're writing? Let's Everybody loves semen. That's a show. I would watch coming this fall on NBC We got a little ways through One of the absolute worst films Oh, I love this movie. You're you're not even I mean one of the best movies I've ever seen but not finished yet Well, just yeah, it's pausing right now. It's press pause press pause

called maximum kickage maximum kicky footing Maximum kicks so bad This movie is called maximum conviction and it's on Netflix and it's saw it stars Steven seagal Steven seagal and Stone Cold Steve Austin Excellent. Hey, he was actually a good actor Steve Austin. He did good in this. He did gooder than uh seagal

I guess he was gooder than him, but This movie is so like so Discombobulated. Yeah, it's such a mess. There's such Horrific direction. The writing is garbage It's it's never has a movie made less sense to me Like you just don't know what's happening. Well, and let's preface this by saying we didn't go into the Steven seagal movie going This is gonna be intelligent. This is a thriller. We we just wanted kicky punches and silliness So we were down for yeah for like it's no. I'm happy at how bad it was

Wait, we wanted dumb shit, but this was like this really delivered. That's the whole thing This delivered to the dumb teeth power. This is so dumb and I get I get what they were going for because you know if you get together Steve and seagal and you get together stone cold You're looking for action and you're looking for dumb and you're looking And you're looking for fun But like they didn't get the parts that aren't supposed to be dumb to not be dumb They dumbed up the stuff that's supposed to like kind of make sense

So that you can have the fun of those two guys just kicky punches. That's all you want them to do is kicky punch Now all you want to do is kicky punch all day. Yeah, and steven steven seagal is a ridiculous human being Here's how this movie starts. I'm not even sure. I know. I don't know either, but there's there's a prison Yeah, I think the prison is closing down Right, so I think they're going to transport prisoners and then there's like a delivery truck that comes in and they're like

What what are you delivering and they and the When the security guys look at the delivery truck, they have the mirrors to look underneath it But to the side of the truck Is taped a large red? Like canister that's supposed to be like they're sneaking in the guy none of the guys I completely miss that really. I don't know why they have a long shot like this isn't supposed to be coming in But here's the part that's actually the dumbest the dumbest part Is in this type of movie all you need to do is set up

Like what's happening and then let all the dumb kicky footing take place Yeah, and just have a clear premise and they who am I supposed to be following they ruin the players What's happening? Basically a guy comes in. He's like, hey I told you you're not supposed to be here and he's like, well, he's always here Are those guys coming in with the other thing and you're like, wait, who what are they? Are you the guy that does what guy? And they just talk all over each other. Oh and your favorite part which I really enjoyed too Is that for no reason they're just like fucking bullshit like they're cursing for no reason

They just curse all the time. Well within the first 30 seconds. It's not even exaggeration It doesn't make any sense Steven segala is talking to some other guy and this guy goes What the fuck is going on here? This shit's retarded or something and you're like, wait Why are we even cursing you're cursing for no, hold on. Let me put this one down I think she may have to do a brown brown. Okay, pause. She's dying to get down. Okay. I'm gonna put her I don't know in her pen. Maybe you're all right. You put her down. Yeah, she's being quiet. I mean you put her down I'm gonna throw her in the

Throw her in the river like Moses She's so she's too cute though. It's a problem That's why they make them like that. Oh, she's been chewing on her name tag, which is so cute She's chilling out every week a little more. Sorry. I just looked this up. Do you know what the description is? On imdb that Steven segal Must have had written for himself This is imdb for people that don't know Internet movie database. This is like what the industry uses as their, you know, the inside reference, right? So

So this is you can you can always look it up just whoever's in what and what they've done It's the first thing it says is Steven segal is a striking and somewhat boyishly handsome looking And and usually impeccably dressed action star Burst onto the martial arts film scene in 1988 and then in parentheses often with a ponytail Oh my god, he's crazy Striking he's a crazy person. Yeah, you know he um See 88 if you can go back to there

Above the law that right away was like a hit. I remember seeing these movies I don't remember. I remember him being famous Kind of tell you what really in maximum kickage. What was silly is I'll all get out Is how dark his hair was. Yeah, like he's he's an older gentleman And I it's not appropriate to have jet black nice and easy jet black like my stepdad did the president of egypt The one that was kicked out. Uh-huh. He was there for like 50 years That was one of the things that like the people when they had that arab spring uprising Celebrate because he was 80 and he had jet black. Yeah, it's lunacy

And then his hair started to turn gray like it's supposed to after he got You know, well, yeah, it's jet black and then he maintains a widow's peak too Like a very pronounced widow's peak Dark eyebrows and then like a weird tan and he has one face too. He's like, uh-huh He's like ice ice cube with the acting ice cube action face, but um He didn't look good. They didn't light him very well on this movie. He's really out of shape And then the best part is the the one kicky punch scene That we do get to see it's like him and just some random inmate like for no reason

Um, he doesn't even move. He just stands in one place and like swings his arms. Yeah Because he can't really kick anymore. He's so fat. I'm sure those conversations are or like so fucking like terrifyingly awkward And not not to the point because he's such a huge ego that when they're like, um So we're probably well, he's like, I'll just do with my hands and they're like, well Do you think you want to try to kick? I said I'm doing my hand Okay, this is a special kind of martial arts. It's known as hand kwan dope Hand kwan

You only need five movements. I just I'd rather not rather just stand Dude, eventually he's just gonna be sitting on a bark a lounger and like oh for sure using his ankle. He's such a If you know, his career started with all these were like theater releases. It was above the law Hard to kill Marked for death out for justice Under siege, I think that I've seen that one. That's a good one, right? That's a big one Then it was like on deadly ground

uh under siege two And then it slowly kind of faded The thing is he never stopped making movies, but he just went basically He had a few more theater and then he went straight to video and now he just does videos Well guys like my stepdad

Really liked his movies. I remember my father let my father my stepdad Uh, the indian criminal Enjoyed steven sigal movies. He loved westerns. He loved clean eastwood. Yeah So that's a that's a personality type that likes fighting a lot fighting movies, huh? Oh, yeah, I mean that people like that. There's just a genre, you know, yeah, it's a lane. It's a way to fucking, uh You know unplug and it's like watching a basketball game when people just like certain But here's what you got to know. He's an asshole for this reason He wasn't in those expendables movies, you know, where they invited every action star ever. Oh, yeah

Why wouldn't he do that? That's silly because Would he not do that would he not be invited to do that? Oh, because he's yeah, he's probably Here's who did the expendables three Stallone Jason statham and tonia bandera's jet lee leslie snipes Dolf london Fucking kelsey grammar. That's frasier. Yeah, why is frasier in that randy couture terry cruise kylan lutz ronda rousey glenn powell ronda my favorite mel Gibson Harrison fort arnold schwarz neger You mean they didn't have a fucking role for seagull?

I mean, they must he must be a real asshole. You know what though since we were doing this pilot It's really about working with people who you enjoy being with and who are right for the parts actually, but absolutely But also it's who who do you want to spend 12 hours a day with? And who's not a douchebag and who's not going to ruin things on set? Yeah Did you imagine semen seagull's ego? Oh Um, I want to see if I can find this this scene is amazing. So maximum kickage. Yeah So right now the truck is pulling in

There's nothing really to play for you guys, but the truck pulls in And they're like, I don't know this truck is right for here And then there's a big thing on it shit going Fucking shit. Here we go. Let's see a lot of cursing Tell me if you know what's happening in In the dialogue Oh, and by the way, they had scenes that would go on way too long so long

This first one. Yeah is is one where you're like mark how long this is and then mark what's being What's story? It's all about making the story move forward in the beginning too. So people know Should be straightforward and quick All right, let me see Austin's acting face. Oh and those are all the credits by the way those tic-tac-tac-tac every single credit they have to Yeah It's taking care of shit at the airport. There it is. You gotta plot the mexico city to catch Negative you gotta delay Aren't you guys hold up and tamp a little bit nice little bar there?

What means you're 1800 hours? Got it. I'll tell Bradley me that's there Okay, well that I understand I still don't know who it's Who who is at the airport? Uh, yeah, who what negative the other thing and go to the bar and then Yeah, you hear every credit came up with the digital thing so distracting make it sound very you know I don't need to know, you know the camera guys So annoying So, all right, here we go That drives away. Maybe it's in this next thing that is unreal how confusing this is

Especially to a new viewer I know these movies shouldn't be complicated Yeah Okay, now that one This one's super confusing too. I'm gonna jump over this one. Yeah, that's the guy eating the burrito Here's actually this is actually the truck chewing and talking being Being pulled in now on the truck being pulled. I thought it was a different truck this truck Security guys are looking at it clearly

It's a it's a it's a light balloon truck And there's like a huge package tape to the side of it like oh, I wonder So something's going on. It would be nice if the audience knew what that thing was so see That this thing doesn't belong there and this guy only looks for what's underneath The vehicle it's so dumb Okay, then the next scene is the scene this is the oh the talking the three guys talking for five hours That's what I've been looking for it's to go and Steve Austin and some other and some other guy comes up And I have

Here we go people. Oh my god, here we go. Here's my mark. I'm standing. I'm not gonna move Here's Steve Austin. Here's the magic that's about to happen all the acting you've ever wanted HSO team just rolled in I said we'd meet him in 10 at 1800 Yeah, but all the end up transfer was still head shut up. She's waiting on the marshals again We're waiting on the fucking bus. Yes, sir God damn it. Yes, sir. I still can't believe I let you convince me to come here to shut down a couple of bullshit buildings I usually make the mess brother. You got me cleaning this one up See the thing is you're getting old man. I got to let you down easy

But the thing is when I want somebody to cover my back In my man, so I'm gonna come on my back. You're my man He said I think of you only What is the thing is the thing is twice? Yeah, it doesn't make sense. I still I'm supposed to He's closing down the prison. He usually opens the prisons. That's the problem. And then I you like okay, so I mean a plot point is usually I don't know. I shut this. I don't fucking know. Yeah, it's a lot of dumb

That's stupid very unclear. Yeah. All right. Hold on. I like that man a man to come on I'm starting it over. Sorry. Okay. Let's pay attention. Yeah I mean they have a long walk of the guy. Do I have to walk them so far away? There's a lot of Not happening things not happening fast enough the worst director of like right now. What is happening? You just so team just rolled in I said we'll meet him in town at 1800 Yeah, but I'll end up transmitting shut up. She's waiting on the marshals again We're waiting on the fucking bus This is my third time. I just got this. Yeah, what they're waiting on the marshall the bus to transport

They're closing down a prison. Okay, so the bus is coming to transport prisoners. I I did not put that together. That's what's happening Yes, oh God dammit I still can't believe I let you convince me to come here to shut down a couple of bullshit buildings I usually make the mess brother. You got me cleaning this one up. See the thing is you're getting old man I got to let you down easy But the thing what is when I want somebody to come to my back think of a man All our guys they the best they the best way I look at it. I'll be down in Mexico in the next few days and there's

4,000 ways to get killed down there. So why are they gonna be in Mexico? They're going to Mexico. I don't understand and I He's really laying on his southern black. Yeah, is he is that how he normally talks if he's in if he's shooting in Lawman in New Orleans Y'all are in Louisiana. He'll be like, yes, sir Yo, ma'am, you know, I did what they say around here Gotta do it up to get it right Yeah, when he was doing that cop show if he met a black person What's happening, ma'am my brother, you know what I'm saying and then if he met us just like a white southern person

This is my joke you're doing. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't I forgot your material I don't I don't go through all your cds and cattle like all your fun jokes. Yeah, okay That this is it. Sorry. That's the bit. Oh, well, there you go. I'm a great writer You should let me write your stand up from now on. Do it. Okay. I'd love I prefer it. Thanks for trying to cheer me up Last time was a real clusterfuck went in awesome damn good man What I remember I should have never pulled us out of that shadow What man? Why are you acting surprised? That's the way all these high-fluid military pricks is man. Oh, you know that We the first guys that they piss on he does sound like

He sounds and then wait you get some payback another guy can speak of pricks Every time I get another stack of bullshit paperwork your fingerprints are all over it cross Hey, I thought your job was bullshit paperwork shut up negative warden. I ain't gotta shut up Go hide behind your desk. We're done here. No, you're not. We're kind of our man because This bitch is fully defamation. I took us off the grid man computer satellites phones everything Transport will be here soon to get the detainees. What? You booked in two more high-security assets last night. You reopened block d right after you and manning permanently shut it down Why would you deactivate all the security and the satellites and then bring in

Plot-wise this is so crazy. They're closing the prison down, but he's bringing in more prisoners and that's the warden. So he Oh my god, he like stepped over the warden's authority and brought in Prisoners into a cell block that's shut down. It makes no sense I makes no sense And this is the first five minutes of the movie you damn right I did you go back to your desk and we don't need your shit He sounds like theo. Yeah, he does sound like theo. He does our dog's voice too. He he started doing this because he listens to the show

You know, he's got he listens to the show So you have to understand something Listen, this is a black site specifically designed for people of interest. I don't know it was a black site cross was You security contractors show the same you think you're hot shit ex soldiers big fucking heroes Fucking heroes. You're a pain in my ass. We already had four people of special interest here We don't have enough MPs to legally hold all the fucking interesting people we got let alone the two who came in last night When you signed those two in last night, you took authority over them

That means signing them out would be your job not mine. I would enjoy the process. Well the transfer unit's late So you're going nowhere till all the detainees have cleared the gate on the way out the scene's still going on That guy walked away But I don't I don't understand the stakes. Is it your you're like so what so we have to sign people out Who cares that scene is the movie, right? He's got to sign some paperwork. That's the stakes to the scene to the whole thing the movie is two people that Shouldn't have come in came in

And then you should now you're in charge. I'm not in charge You're in charge of that right and their transport's not here and the building's shutting down And they also that why you shut the computers down and the satellites are shut down So they're showing you all the stuff he's going to have to deal with Well, well the first time I saw that I didn't process the third time I saw that I didn't process that And then he all we want is to see him kicky punch. That's all we want It's like just get to the stuff where he beats people up. Here's the movie. Here's what the movie should have been Steven Seagal is like the warden. It's called the warden

And he's got to straighten up the cell black because they have full of gang bangers and criminals And I'm gonna teach them a thing or two and then he comes and he just kicks everybody's ass But then he panders to each racial group. Yes It's like one of those movies The inner city kids and then like the michelle pfeiffer comes in and teaches them to sing And that's what's even great. And by the way, he likes doing um environmental movies now environmental movies. Yeah He does um action movies Direct to video that have an environmental spin. I love it

See these the plots don't have to be original at the warden one you're talking about the warden Yeah, he could walk into like the the black quarter of the of the prison to be like, what's up, brothers? I heard y'all been causing trouble today Well, guess what? Your mama's ain't here to take care of you and they're like, what the fuck warden? And then he comes in and just beats up an entire like cell block Yeah, and then he walks down the hall and like the vatos are like a warden Hey, what the fuck are you doing here warden jokers over there? And Steven Seagal is like

The company so Les quiero enseñar And then they're like, oh the warden speaks spanish. Yeah. Yeah. Can you see the scenes right now when he's like? Uh, I like tapatio on everything myself when you guys want some tacos. Why don't you guys suck my tamale? Yeah, and then they're like no way warden. Yeah, you can't talk shit like that in our block And then he beats the fuck out of all them. Yeah, and then there's an asian criminals. There's like one You know, there's not a lot of asians no criminals There's like two

But they're well behaved so they're not a maximum security yakuza guys are like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll have a not the But I'm present for for you. No, but then With them he just he bows because he likes them. He he wears a gi. He loved he lived in japan. He loves wearing his gi I've seen so many pictures of him in a gi. It's ridiculous And by the way, there's footage of him On line Back when he lives in japan before he started doing movies because he was like the only white american

You know master sensei whatever of his aikido stuff the only one that wasn't japanese And he has like no hair on top Not anymore my timing gets to maximum velocity Or maximum kickage. He's got a full head of hair grew back grew back and darker Yeah, the warden we got to pitch this to him It's funny that he a guy like him wouldn't Uh would allow himself to be Filmed so bloated

That he wouldn't at least try And his eyes look bad like he's been drinking Like a few chins and he's like puffy and he's like, yeah Well, we're gonna transport these prisoners here Yeah, there's a there is a I mean look there is a look you need to have to be an action star. Yeah, you don't have it, right? Generally you got to be fit you got to be relatively youthful Not necessarily right there's old at least the loan looks amazing and that guy's with 70 years old ridiculous

Ridiculous, and the amount of work he puts into that is ridiculous. Yeah, and sure it doesn't just happen No, and schwarzi looks good schwarzenegger. Yeah You got to maintain that bro If that's your gig I want another uh acting scene Of these did you hear that? Yeah Oh my god. Are you embarrassed? Oh, that's his this is his hands only scene right here. Yeah

Okay, he kicks this guy's butt who's like 500 pounds. Yeah, and just hands He's got his acting face on he's like real frowny face Oh Man that hairline is crazy. I know it's too pronounced. It's so crazy. Oh, he looks retarded And the way that it looks like eddie munster It's so intense a grandpa monster, right? That fight didn't smell very good. No Poof

I'm kicky punching. I'm kicky punching. It's a little intense. Have you started farting? No, I'm not really Not really We've extended our line of uh kitchen deodorants Uh, we've extended into the living room now. Yeah, we have living room deodorant kitchen deodorant Oh All right Sir I found this kite in corridor. I don't know if the inmates are trying to communicate, but

I thought you should know All right, all right Be cool Oh, this is a stone coal has a good acting scene where He gets to yell at the guy who's Clearly not supposed to be at the prison You know about not knowing why the equipment's not working. He's like, were you gonna fucking figure it out or not? You gotta fucking figure that shit out

Name on a manifest says rick name takes his max you won't explain that truck rolled over his foot yesterday um, I usually work dispatch short staff so Almost wrapped up here. So let's get it done Sorry, you're sneaking a bit old time. Why is birthday coming up now? Why don't we catch up some other time? All right You get on some jobs. I get the fuck out of here. Oh fuck for no reason Guys are gonna go crazy when they know about them. Unfortunately. I have much of a choice. You know, it's only for a couple of hours

Everybody's transferring out tonight So let's just do it He definitely um Did not learn his lines for this movie. He's definitely like right before they shoot. He's like, what am I saying? And they're like, uh, you're definitely transferring out tonight Let's do it. Yeah, I definitely don't pronounce tonight. Let's do it Like there's nothing behind anything that he says. No, it's all so mellow everything. He said that's how I act That's my school. I think what?

Uh, this is the house burning down Well, it's a really nice movie if you guys want to watch it. It's on netflix called maximum kickage and it's Steven seagal and Stone Cold Steve Austin And it's really good. There's a really good acting in it. Now. How many stars did it have on netflix? um, I believe we saw

It's one of the only movies that I've seen on there with One star it's hard to do that's hard to do It's one star or five stars very hard Let me look. Yeah one in five are the hardest to do. Let's see. So at least he's you know He's special. Is this the one you told me to check out? Yeah Thriving amateur industry. Yeah, I gotta watch that. Oh, yeah today. They sent you a recommendation tom. Here's something you'd be interested in That's pornography surprise

So it's a show about Exploiting young girls Uh, does that sound like something you'd be interested in babe? Uh-huh. Uh-huh Yeah Let's see I want to see if it's truly that if it's really Steven seagal Maximum

Conviction that's the name of the movie Well on this one, it's funny on the tv. It said it's different here. It says it's 2.7 stars. I doubt that I Can't be right. No, actually it's higher than that It says the average of 600,000 ratings Is 3.6 stars? No, that's getting higher and higher. That isn't possible. That's what it says You know what that's like the real man where people are are finding it because it's so shitty and they're like this is amazing

And it's sold out So I wonder if the author of the real man is like if he's so stoked because he sold a bunch of books lately He's definitely he's stoked. Do you think he's like, oh, I finally done it Here's other seagal things that are down there Born to raise hell Is this a gall movie? I bet that's pretty we should watch that one next Yeah, let's watch tonight pursuing a ruthless russian mobster smuggling. I like that. Yeah, I like stupid sometimes We've been thinking too much lately. Let's watching. You know what I like. I really like bruce willis movies

I really like the diehard movies Remember when we watched all those, you know, which ones are fun actually to watch of seagal Are the old school ones that got him famous the 80s stuff. Those were fun. Those were good. Yeah It's like late 80s early. They have one. They have marked for death. They have above the law. Let's watch it tonight. Let's watch it Well, you won't recognize them I'm serious. You're not gonna recognize him poor guy and under siege was like I think the the big the big way That one was him and tomie lee jones Tommy lee jones in a movie with him. Yeah, that was a big movie. That was like a hundred million dollar budget movie

Geez You know, it's I'll tell you a show business story I when I first decided to become in show business Uh, my father had a hungarian friend Who did hair and who knew an agent at icm Big agency icm is one of the big was one of the big ones. I think it still is but and Through some miracle got me

As a favor a meaning with this agent and I was so nervous I was like, you know, 20 21 years old or something. I'm like, this is it. This is gonna be my big break This guy's gonna love me. I'm gonna bubba bubba bubba I go in there the guy's a major fucking prick Um, just like a fat old bloated balding douchebag. He was married to a net food in cello for many years this guy And it's really mean to me and really not cool to me at all like Why are you here? I'm like, uh, you said it like we said a meeting. I thought this is he was very Dismissive of me like well, I can't do anything for you and I'm like, well, I didn't you know, I didn't say it

I was too young but I'm like asshole. Why did you even meet with me? He told me he didn't want to do anything to do with me this and that The only exciting it was really rude. Actually, his name is jack gelardi I'm gonna fucking say it because he ended up getting busted recently About two or three years ago if you look it up Um actresses came forward and accused jack gelardi of doing casting couch And that he would promise to get them roles or whatnot if they slept with him. So Yeah, so he was a real piece of shit anyways

He's an old guy. He's been around forever. So The point of the story is the only good part of that is that as I was in his office he got a phone call and The actor on the other end of it was yelling at him I get up on and I could hear it and I was like, oh my god. Look, what is that? And he hangs up the phone and he goes he gets to his assistant Uh, steven is at the airport. He's held up. He's a super frantic and

And he turns me like steven sica and I was like, wow, I remember being so blown away that This guy got a phone call from steven's who's flipping out at the airport and called his agent. So There's the big story. Wow. Yeah, I see this here. You see it. Did it come up jack gelardi action loss. It was filed Yep described as a hollywood hustler Let's see sexual battery That's the guy I met with when I was 21 years old who treated me like a scumbag

There you go. Fuck nuts Well, let's say it says that she may he made sexual advances towards her in icm limousine Mm-hmm Geez, okay. Well, here's the other stuff that's going on with him. Um, So I think really New Jack he's old He's 84. Yeah, he's all this shit. The guy's gonna retire any second

He was old as fuck when I met him. So yeah, it looks like they toasted him in 2014 um Yeah, real real old school hollywood douchebag He was an asshole to you typical tip like one of those scumbaggy Like old school guys that you like you see them in movies when they make fun of hollywood agents. That's how that guy was Yeah, fuck that guy He's not even jewish

He gave me that guy stayed with icm for 60 years. I know jack gelardi was a big Guy is he still at the at icm? He's gotta be retired I don't know his rosters has been pretty crazy. It said like Yeah, charlton heston. There you go valley Jerry lewis robert waggler still old mcclain old. See oh, he has all the old dogs on there Is steven sigal still with him? Oh, I have no idea It's not on the roster. I don't that. I mean that it doesn't list everybody. Who knows hilarious

Yeah, well There you go. There you go. My big show business What that was my first show my big show business meeting was with jack gelardi and who set it up the hairdresser So my father in the valley where we grew up I was on road rules and that my dad thought that that was going to be my foray in the show business and I was I thought tell me I'm going to get an agent this is going to be great and He had a friend a hungarian friend this guy does Hair and he's friends with this guy who works at icm

So I got a meeting through that somehow friend of a friend from some hungarian hairdresser And I showed up and the guy couldn't be rude or to me couldn't be more of a prick. Well, fuck that guy That's what I'm saying. You suck my nuts. Absolutely. You ready to do this. What are we doing? Oh, yeah I Time to fill her up and seal her shut Long time You

Are the players today Well, since we just had a three-day weekend for memorial day I was thinking we could do You know like more themed people. Oh, that's a pretty good idea. Yeah, so for the ladies Well, should we by the way, I feel like We haven't done a filler up in a while um Should we do if the the what is it the recap of the last one? Sure

Because we have that Here we go, hold on Here it is If you go to the uh facebook.com Slash your mom's house podcast. You like the page It links you to our actual official Our official filler up sealer shut site where you can vote and it calculates

Who is the winner in the filler up sealer shuts? So the very last time we did it um I can't remember if we gave the the results. I think we did Here are the last two We had a filler up sealer shut between ryan gossling and jake jillin hall Well ryan gossling all the way he won with 66 of the vote, of course he did And we had charlie staran and irina shire not charlie's charlie's

Theron actually you said charlie charlie's Who do you think won that one charlie's taran? Yes, she's gorgeous But then it got interesting for us. We did the indian edition I remember that Deepak Chopra, this is one we don't have any results. Deepak Chopra or dr. Sanjay Gupta from cna That was silly. You took you chose deepak. I remember. Yeah, I like him. I chose dr. Sanjay Gupta And dr. Gupta won with 63 of the vote Whatever then here's one that i'm real happy about

Um, and I remember our votes on this one too. We had aishwama rai Which is like a model actress and then there was padma laxie. She's pretty. I like padma Yeah, that's who you chose. Yeah, she's pretty but she's a content. I think in real life Well, I think the listeners agree because aishwarya ran away with 74 of the vote Oh, wow So again your mom's house podcast Excuse me facebook.com slash your mom's house podcast like the page You can comment on a bunch of things there and then you can vote

There will be a link to vote And you should uh, you should check that out. It's always fun. Very important work. We're doing here Yeah, so who would you like to fill up and seal shut? Who are we looking at? Let's do the guys first We want you guys Okay, so for the bros I'm gonna do and I never remember his name jeans You know who it is from full metal jacket ermie arlie ermie. I love Arlie ermie. Arlie ermie is amazing. Yeah, that's gotta be an intense sexual experience

That is really something you're really Really going out there You want to know intense the other one's intense Marlon Brando from holy shit. That's intense in a whole different way. Hold a whole different way I am gunnery sergeant hartman your senior drill instructor From now on you will speak only one spoken to and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be sir Do you maggots understand that? Bullshit, I can't hear you sound off like you got a pair

If you ladies leave my island if you survive recruit training You will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on earth You are not even human fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized Gravastic pieces of amphibian shit Because I am hard. You will not like me. You won't but the more you hate me the more you will learn I am hard, but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here I do not look down on niggers kites wafts or greasers

Here you are all equally worthless. Oh, I love it. That's the one of the best lines. Yep So you're saying fill up and seal shut Arleigh Ermey, no you get filled up and sealed shut right by Arleigh Ermey God get the game right Tom or then he broke from himself on Marlon Brando. I've never seen a man so broken up and ripped apart I've seen the horror Horrors that you've seen

No horrors that you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me You have a right to do that But you have no right to judge me It's impossible through words To describe What is Necessary Okay, do you know that he

Apparently was so out of his fucking mind like fat and drug addled that I heard Um, I don't know if it's towards the end of his career or in this movie that they had to just like feed him lines too Like he couldn't I don't think it was at this point. It was later. You think I think it was later I think at this point though He did kind of go crazy to play this part like they said he really would dive into this shit I thought the the story with brando was that he was like out of his shit towards the end Yeah, it is but this is not the end. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, he was fat. Was he fat and sweaty in this one though? Uh, he's no he's he's not nearly as fat. He got he got huge at the end. Yeah

Uh, right here. He's bigger than at his you know in his prime, but he's not like No, he's not he was over 300 pounds at the end, you know, so this is apocalypse now this movie uh Yeah, there are two different kinds of lays Okay, so early was orny Arleigh earmy Arleigh's like old school. It's and here's the thing military guy I think that a guy that intense and that yells that much and everything I think he's actually real vanilla in bed. I think he's

Missionary and that's yeah, there's not really doesn't really deviate from that and then you got like a mentally ill guy Yeah, that guy's gonna get freaky on you freaky, but also maybe scary and maybe and maybe not fun scary I think he's gonna cry a lot marlon brando. I think you might slice your tits open some of that. Yeah Oh, I you know what? I just don't have the energy for marlon brando Like sometimes you just want like just vanilla like let's just go. Let's just and I feel like Orney is so orny. It's not orny. Ernie. Ernie Adams I feel like he's so just like Into women like he's so well. He's a gentleman red meat eating american. Yeah, he yells at men

But I try like how are you ma'am? Yeah, I like that. I feel like I respect that alpha male. Yeah Energy I kind of don't like kooky shoes dudes. I'm not into like I just realized something though I think I got to spin it differently Because I think He's really in this situation going to be different with a man You know, I'm thinking like for you homophobic, right? Yeah, I mean this is like yeah for me. It's great I think for you, he's gonna be great. I think for a drill sergeant He might I think the crazy guy might be like, you know, like ease into it more and like

The crazy guys open sexually right and the other guy's closed. So the other guy's just heterosexual vanilla What I'm saying is I think out of necessity. I have to go with marlon cray cray. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, because he's probably pansexual. Yeah Yeah, but orney's like not gonna he'll probably beat the shit out of you and call you faggot Well, I think absolutely so Wow interesting discussion though, huh? Yeah, and guys you can vote too. Go to the facebook page and let us know important. Um, now that the fun stuff Let's what's up with the ladies

Uh, let's do demi more G. I. Jane and G. I. Jane and then um private benjamin goldie hawn from the 80s How wonderful was goldie hawn? She's really something is goldie hawn. She's still alive Yeah, what a delight cute little tweety bird But then you look at g. I. Jane and that bitch could fucking kill you she she was doing them one arm push-ups and stuff I'll be honest here in Most situations and this is just

A natural just the way I'm built I go for blondes. Mm-hmm. Thank god. Yeah, I just I know jade I just like them more, you know, it's just how I'm built. I don't know why but in This case I feel like

Demi is really a piece of ass in this thing. She's really built. Yeah, I think she'd be fun Like I think she would really like put my My head in one of those leg locks and like cut off the air and then while she's jacking me off and like, you know, and then Like we could do like military Kind of drills where I'm Kind of a tire up and I go you like you're gonna you're gonna kick kick that at a seal school if you don't suck this You know, so I would I would kind of do I think you could be a little more reckless and aggressive like you know that scene where they put all the food in the trash can and they're like you eat out of this

Scrubs. Yeah, like you want her to do that with you. Yeah, and I feel like Goldie would be like a little too sweet for what I'm looking for here because I'm doing like a filler up I feel like I'm I'm gonna be a lot more Aggressive. Yeah, I I'm gonna go Goldie Because she's sweet and funny and cute and Harmless. Yeah, I'm not looking for that. I'm not gonna do anything awful to me. Yeah. Oh, no And I don't I don't want that. Yeah, you'd be traumatized by Demi. Yeah

She's all fucking yoked and crazy. I'm not I'm not interested in masculine energy. I need, you know, sweet Yeah, lady energy, you know, yeah, I would like to um I would like to test Demi's Um holding her breath under water. Yeah scale, but this time it would just be loads, you know You know, it's interesting. Goldie Han has them little dog tits. You've seen her tits. I think she still has naturals She's one of the very few women and show business has her natural all naturals, but she's got like Little tiny dog tits. They're really kind of They're odd. Honestly, they're odd. They're like spaced out real far. Okay. I'm gonna look this up right now

Yeah, look at them. They look like after a dog's been nursed You know when like a dog has puppies and then they nurse and then they're kind of soft They're like soggy and small I thought if you had small ones, they don't get soggy. I thought that was the perk of having small tits You're right. Yeah, she's got little dog tits. She has little dog tits Yeah, weird and there's they're far apart, huh? Yeah, yeah, but I respect that she keeps it natural. I'd rather have those her dog tits than big fake, you know Big old crazy balloons. They those look terrible on people. God. I hate those balloons. She's got spread out doggies. Yeah

Yeah, really interesting that you knew that I think you've been Plotting this for a while actually. Well, when I was the little girl I watched I watched all our movies I loved Goldie hunt. She was a comedic actress. She's a sweet lady. Oh, like oh, I think she's normal I don't think her daughter's normal. I think that Kate Hudson. Isn't she kind of a twat? No, were she normal? I don't know. I oh, I'm thinking of going to paltrow. Sorry. Oh, I don't know. I think they're pretty normal people, right? Yeah, I mean you just called her a twat Well, because I I thought I heard that was she conti Kate Hudson or is she normal everybody that I've ever heard said that she's normal She's normal then I'm thinking of going to say I'm sorry Kate Hudson. I'm sorry Kate Hudson. Sorry. I didn't

I didn't mean to cross the line. I'm sure she listens to the show. I'm so I'm mortified right now I'm sure she does too. Oh, I'm so sorry Kate. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean your family's delightful All right, look, we got to wrap this up. We got early day tomorrow 20 pizza. I think no I think not after that Why what do you know why what do you mean? piece of piece We have the giorno. It's not peaceful. Okay All right. Yeah, let's do it. I love you. Um, I love you too. I love you guys listening. Thanks guys

Gosh, I feel real crazy about how It got it got real Real like Racy this episode. I mean, I'm oh my gosh. I'm so embarrassed So embarrassed Um What's that song I wanted to play Oh my gosh. No, I wanted to pay. Oh, I wanted to play the jeans in my con

Uh, I think it's a good fits with today's theme, you know, yeah Patriot. All right. Uh, we love you. Sorry that it was late. I hope you enjoy the episode and we will be back in a few days Mm-hmm for your regular scheduled your momma. So All right. Bye jeans Oh Cut we cut we cut Oh Oh

It's sexy You