Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 295-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: June 3, 2015

You know what I'm saying, we went to Crate And Barrel and really enjoyed all that they have to offer. It's not just a wonderland of white people things, they also have nice toilets.  Do we have a new... YKWIS Champ??? LISTEN closely (and count).  Plus FEEFO is back and he's talking about his new sister and we have to tell you - he ISN'T happy. We also discover the funny adult actress who blessed us all with the catchphrase of the year last week and we hope you'll help us meet her.  Do you like spending a dollar? Do you document it when you do? There's a community for you where people just like bore the s**t out of other people with their purchases.  Be the jeans!

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Attention all genes genes calling all denim calling all denim. There's a denim emergency Location the ice house in Pasadena the date Saturday June 6th the time what 730 730 730 Be there as your two mothers record a live episode of Your mom's house your mom's house podcast live Saturday June 6 off the chains on the second stage guys. Yeah, we're in the the little room which it fills up, so Fills right the fuck up. I
Starting point is 00:00:39 Haven't even checked on the tickets yet. No, they're too busy this week. Yeah, but get them while you can We love to see you there. All right, jeans. I love you Mommy Like this song it's kind of got it reminds me of goth industrial music. Yeah Front two for two good Look I got into it last week a little bit I Wasn't happy about it, but I had to cancel my Las Vegas show I will however be going to
Starting point is 00:01:26 Phoenix nope Phoenix, Arizona. That's not what it's called, babe. Fartnix. Thank you Arizona next Thursday one show only June 11th at stand-up live. Please come and see me the big-ass room So I need you all to bring a friend with you. That's a great club. It's a real nice. It is really that club, right? He did a good job with that. Yeah No Vegas show, but I'm still flying to Vegas because all my flight So crazy, that's the knee part is still get to take the trip. I still get to fly there So I'll be walking around Las Vegas on Friday
Starting point is 00:02:02 the 12th, but then I have two big-ass shows in Calgary, Alberta, Canada and that is on Saturday the 13th Coming up shortly thereafter my Calgary shows. I have some really big shows one with my beloved Tina Jeans. We are doing the WDVE Comedy Jam Well, that's gonna be crazy. Do you Jim Norton's on that? Jim Norton, Michael Che Christina P. Myself. That's June 26, then
Starting point is 00:02:42 27th Park West Chicago, Illinois Really excited my first time. What state? Illinois's correct It's first time actually playing like proper Chicago So I'm really excited to do stand up there and the very next day the 28th the crowfoot ballroom in Pontiac, Michigan Look Detroit, that's the closest I'm gonna get So please come if you're in Detroit to see me at the crowfoot in Pontiac on Sunday the 28th I have some other dates that
Starting point is 00:03:14 Coming up Fartford, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Brooklyn and Boston Jeans and I are going to Montreal Canada where we're doing podcasts and stand-up shows just for laughs just for laughs I'm very excited. It's my first time at that festival and we're doing you and I are doing a ton of fucking shows Tons of shows man. Do fuck ton of fucking shows man And I added Lexington, Kentucky Honolulu, Hawaii
Starting point is 00:03:41 DC St. Louis, Columbia, Missouri Oklahoma City, Houston and Little Rock are now on sale TomSegura.com slash shows Christina Janes is gonna be in Denver, Colorado at the improv June 18th, June 19th, June 20th, June 21st Please come see me. Please make my week fun. Denver is fucking strong, man. Bro, you know, I love you in Denver It's gonna be hey also. Does anybody um out there
Starting point is 00:04:15 Tape sets. Are you a videographer? Do they still call them that? I think so. Do you want to come and um Or do they call them a digi? Yeah, I don't know anymore. I'm so old. I need someone to tape my sets I don't know anybody out there. If you if you would like to speak to me about this email, please your mom's Your mom's podcast at gmail.com. Send me a note subject line Subject line of video Denver. Okay Old-school video tape. I need it on tape. Do you know back you have the cameras that have the VHS that goes into them? And you can just give her the VHS at the end. Betamax. Do you know that we've been doing stand-up so long They used to ask you for tape for tape and you said I have I have
Starting point is 00:04:57 tapes with the you know, you put the sticker on it with your cell phone number. Yes Ten-minute set. Yeah. Yep. You used to have to if you knew you had to go back there Wouldn't you not to stand up again if you had to do it all over again The VHS business like if right now they're like, all right You have the experience, but you got to go back to doing like ten minute sets and submitting them to people Hey It's supposed to be the wind down time At least having fun now, that's true. It's getting better guys
Starting point is 00:05:41 Puppy town is getting better. It's getting better. Listen up Guys, thank you so much for using our Amazon banner when you do your shopping on Momma's on Please continue to do so. I recommend you go to our website your mom's housepiedcast.com Click on that banner and market as your home page like bookmark it. I mean book Markets, you don't have to remember to do that extra step every single time and please do your shopping as you normally would it really Really really helps us out. You know if you don't buy t-shirts Don't do anything like that to support the show if you don't come out to see us live The least you can do to support your mother's is to do your Amazon shopping for a banner, please. There you go
Starting point is 00:06:22 It's so good Amazon. We just got a new dog crate for the bitzels because she's been escaping The crate that we got her the pen the pen rather it doesn't have a top on it then she climbs over it now Which is terrifying. She's gonna crack her little skull. Do I do this jeans? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah You know, I believe in God, you know saying hey, I believe in God, you know, I want to believe in something You know, I can't I know all science and everything is saying there is no God and They're debunking everything but when I was a kid my mom taught me to believe in believing God, you know God people just ain't got no hope a lot of people, you know, maybe the new generations won't believe in God
Starting point is 00:07:02 And that'll be everywhere But the people still dying off for the old generations that still believe in God, you know, they want something that believe in hope You know what I'm saying? It's like I think it gives old people something to fucking believe in and nobody can ever say for sure There ain't no God, you know what I'm saying? That's why I choose to believe in You know saying This shit is big time Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this
Starting point is 00:07:26 No mom in the fucking stand Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house With Don Segura, Don Segura Christina Pajitzi, Christina Pajitzi Welcome to your mom's house You You You
Starting point is 00:08:17 James What was that? You know what it is? That's deep bro No Summertime Oh shit Alright
Starting point is 00:08:27 Hey everybody, it's summertime I missed this Summer vacation is here Gonna ride my bike Gonna go somewhere It's my favorite time of year It's summertime And isn't it great
Starting point is 00:08:50 It's summertime When everything's great See all the birds in the sky Time to hit the pool Watch the people pass by It's my favorite time of year It's my least favorite time of year I fucking hate summer
Starting point is 00:09:13 I hate summer more I fucking hate it growing up here in LA It's the worst But you had a worst because you lived in Florida Dude, I don't know how you did that It's brutal I don't know anybody that lives in any of these warm states Enjoyes summer
Starting point is 00:09:30 South? Oh my god Get your life It's so fucking brutal It's the worst You know what I love in that song? Where he's like Gonna ride my bike
Starting point is 00:09:40 Gonna go somewhere Like you can't even think of a destination or song You lazy fucking lyricist Because he's dog shit And his whole family is dog shit I think it's like the DQ Can you ride your bike to the DQ? Yeah, it said something, right?
Starting point is 00:09:54 Yeah Gonna ride my bike Gonna go to my friend's house Like just anywhere Take a destination, you asshole Gonna ride my bike My bike I'm gonna ride my bike
Starting point is 00:10:08 What you gonna ride, man? Bike Dude, could you imagine if that kid Heard it from that guy He might shit his little He would shit all over the place His little cracker pants For real
Starting point is 00:10:21 That's why white people suck, man That is an example of white people suckage There you go See, we dish it out to everybody White people, they definitely suck White people are the worst White people? They're the worst
Starting point is 00:10:36 So lots to catch up on I mean, first of all We've got a new crate system A pen system We will be rolling out tonight Because the fucking Houdini of Dogs here Has gotten out so many dogs She's really crazy, man
Starting point is 00:10:49 Like, we came home from shooting How did she fucking do that? She's on the living room couch Like, what's up, man? It does actually really Hi It really stands out in my mind Where I look at that
Starting point is 00:11:02 And I'm amazed at how The mind develops in such a young animal Where she was in there For a couple days And then Remember that one time Where we got home And she was out
Starting point is 00:11:18 And we're like, what? Like, after we put her in it I know And then we put her back in it And we watched her And she crawling with her paws And flipped over the top of it And I was like, wow
Starting point is 00:11:27 That's really, really amazing That it took like a three month old dog Three days to be like I can crawl out of this shit And would fall all the way over it I mean, it's like three and a half feet tall So crazy She's four pounds
Starting point is 00:11:43 Well, she's now almost four months We've had over three weeks Can you believe it? Yeah She's grown already Her paws are, her legs are longer And she's chilled out a lot this week, though, guys She was like the shittiest dog
Starting point is 00:11:54 The first two weeks And now she's kind of She's getting in the rhythm of our rhythm Which is a lot slower than puppy rhythm Mm-hmm You know Mm-hmm Torturing Fee
Starting point is 00:12:04 Feef's actually started playing with her She forces her way into his crate now Yeah It's adorable It's the best It's really cute It's the fucking best Puppy Towns
Starting point is 00:12:14 It's getting better It gets better, guys It gets better Like bullying in high school Life will get better She just woke up, yeah Yeah, I mean Yeah
Starting point is 00:12:24 Brutal It was brutal for like a week or two there Dude What do we do? The key is to like With these little pups Is you set your rules and boundaries And they just protest
Starting point is 00:12:35 They whine and cry and fucking cry And then one day you just broken them She's, um It's a triumph of the will, man She has kind of a dominant personality, too Yeah Well, Brussels are very They're very smart dogs
Starting point is 00:12:50 Yeah They're very, um They're not people pleasers Yeah You know, they're a terrier family Yeah, yeah She's a bit of a cunt She's a bit of a cunt
Starting point is 00:13:01 Mm-hmm She really is Harry Potter You're in a cunt You're in a cunt now You've always been in a cunt And the only thing that's going to change Is you're going to become an even bigger cunt
Starting point is 00:13:11 Mm-hmm And remember that from the Sorcerer's Stone That was the That was the thing Yeah I think Ron Weasley was saying that Yep Also, lots of
Starting point is 00:13:22 Lots of positive feedback on our Steven Seagal Movie review of Maximum Kickage A lot of you really took to watching that film on Netflix If any of you have actually made it through the entire movie Couple of people did Couple of people did Yeah, we got a lot of feedback How could you make it?
Starting point is 00:13:43 We didn't make it for 7 7 minutes, I think And we tapped out of Steven Seagal God Maximum, Maximum Kickage What was it really called, Maximum? Conviction Conviction
Starting point is 00:13:57 Um It's fucking amazing This video has been tweeted And emailed 300 times, I think in the last 72 hours, and that is Steven Seagal giving a masterclass Of Akito in Russia
Starting point is 00:14:17 Where Yeah, I love your version of him fighting He can't see what Tom's doing But Steven Seagal fighting Is him standing still And just flailing his arms in front of his stuff He's getting fatter than shit, too Especially when he puts on his ghee
Starting point is 00:14:34 You can see that Floated fucking beer belly Hanging over it He's got that The alcoholic belly That you talk about I'm not against any guy Like, you know, hey, he's 60 something years old
Starting point is 00:14:51 But if you're known For the discipline that Martial arts requires You can't really hang your coat on that anymore If you're that fucking fat Hang your ghee on it, no If that's your gig That's what you're known for is athletic
Starting point is 00:15:09 Martial arts My favorite part, that video in Russia Is like he shows up And he whoops all kinds of ass And nobody kicks him And he doesn't kick anybody, it's all arms It's all slaps That's what I said in my special
Starting point is 00:15:25 I watch it every morning, I forgot No, no, I'm saying to people If you go watch my special On YouTube, Steven Segal And I talk about, this is before that About how he When he gives demos He kicks like
Starting point is 00:15:41 To ankle level He doesn't move And somebody tweeted A great side-by-side photograph Of any monster With Segal No fucking spot on Dark jet black, nice and easy hair
Starting point is 00:15:57 In a widow's peak How are you gonna say you got a widow's peak? We gotta add that That demo to the site You bet you, I'm on it Oh, he's so funny He is ridiculous Ridiculous, what a ridiculous man
Starting point is 00:16:13 If you guys have any other Segal recommendations And films, let me know I'd love to further Investigate his catalog He's also He's also a great singer If you want to just look
Starting point is 00:16:29 I'd love to hear By the way Somebody, I think they know as well Has written in that Mommy, she got it She watched the new documentary on Netflix The Hot Girls Wanted They said Mommy T will think it's
Starting point is 00:16:45 Hilarious and Mommy C will find It disturbing and fascinating I think Netflix Themselves emailed you They did, you know that Computer generated thing that knows your taste It's like Tom, you like pornography And degradation
Starting point is 00:17:01 You like exploitation Fun stories and murder I don't know if there's a murder in it There's no murder in it, it's about getting amateur girls And porn Alright, that's gonna be our next Let's watch it next I'd love to
Starting point is 00:17:17 I don't like the bombers The hot love Don't show me a bomber movie It's like, you like porn Someone's looking for their daughter And she's like, come on man That's like, I can't watch Anything, nothing about
Starting point is 00:17:33 Cancer, don't fucking show me A cancer movie, I don't want to know Your triumph over cancer, please What a fucking bummer I know I know enough people I've had it twice It's a bummer, okay
Starting point is 00:17:49 Nobody wants to hear about it It's not entertaining It's the worst, I don't know how people watch Hospital shows Speaking of that stuff Let me see you also Come on, spread that fucking awesome Oh yeah
Starting point is 00:18:05 Remember this from last week, right? Of course I do I don't remember now I think it was last week I thought we were supposed to clean this one up today Sorry? Were we trying to clean it up a little bit? No, that's Saturday
Starting point is 00:18:21 Don't you know that motherfucker You know that motherfucker So we were like, this girl we really like This personality She's got it all She's got a real panache We were really amazed that a couple of our listeners Talk about degenerates
Starting point is 00:18:37 They heard this and they were like Oh, degenerates Who that is? Just on audio alone Audio alone, they were like I could tell you who that is Oh, fucking You fucking
Starting point is 00:18:53 That's the main It's not that much to listen to Yeah That's right The lesson, huh? Oh, shit Turns out That's all you needed to hear
Starting point is 00:19:09 Oh, fuck Oh, shit Oh, shit Yeah So That's Diamond Jackson Diamond has a lot of work out there
Starting point is 00:19:25 Diamond, not like Oh, shit Oh, shit Fuck me with that tongue Oh, oh Motherfucker So anyways She has a Twitter
Starting point is 00:19:41 Yeah, I just tried to follow her It's a private Twitter Isn't that ironic That she chooses to lock up Her Twitter account But she's a porn star for her living Doesn't seem to lock up her pussy You know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 00:19:57 What is it? It's Diamond Diamond Jackson It's interesting what people choose to be Private about, eh? Yeah Hmm Yep, she's at Diamond Wow, she got a really good Twitter handle
Starting point is 00:20:13 Is that right? Just at Diamond She's got 100,000 followers But she's following 24,000 Oh, wow Oh, it's maybe one of those bot things Yeah, but she's private Did you send her a request? I sure did, it's pending
Starting point is 00:20:29 I'm on bated breath waiting to see if she'll accept my friendship Well, I'm gonna follow her as well Okay And I think we should I think she would be a great guest on this show I would love to talk to her I would love to get inside of that Mind to hers and
Starting point is 00:20:45 Let's talk theory, you know, philosophy Maybe I'll get around that Z-Bro Oh, I bet she's got some shit to say Oh, my bad Pending, I'm pending too I bet she's falling asleep staring at me It's the best I love when dogs do that when they look at you
Starting point is 00:21:01 Your eyes just Maybe send Send a Diamond A message You make my pussy talking now We'd like to get your pussy talking on your mom's house See what kind of shit you can talk Pussy talking now
Starting point is 00:21:19 I like that she's good at She's a yes ander Whatever's going on Oh, shit I know you like that Toss that salad good Yeah, so, you know She's good at that
Starting point is 00:21:37 I like when they talk shit Oh, fuck Shit Oh, damn it She's entertaining She's a strong performer Belly strong performer We're getting him soon, right?
Starting point is 00:21:53 Yeah, I've been going back and forth with Yoshi You know, he's been in Medical Testings for the last few months Why are you laughing? Because it's like Only in our world is that My friends are amazing You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:22:11 It's like I can't come to your podcast because I'm undergoing medical testing I'm volunteering to let them inject me with Yeah And that's normal for us I cannot wait to ask Yoshi some questions
Starting point is 00:22:27 about this stuff I'm dying to hear about what he's been testing for Well, you know, they need to try the medicines to make sure that people won't die So they give them to me and then if I don't die, it's like, okay, it was a good medicine Yeah
Starting point is 00:22:43 That's so great How much would they have to pay you to do that? Like 100 bucks, something like that Like 200 bucks It's not like donating plasma You're giving them body fluids but they're putting stuff in you He's a special, special breed though
Starting point is 00:22:59 That dude's fucking amazing Did you notice that our opening clip had a few You know what I'm saying? And also like God and shit, old people I love it, he's right He's right about a lot of stuff
Starting point is 00:23:15 You know who that was? No That's one of the guys from the And he's from the insane Clown Posse Well, I can't even say his name Again, it's a fucking joke There's two guys
Starting point is 00:23:31 and then they're in the insane Clown Posse The first time I met this guy he put me in a figure four leg lock and made me cry What do you guys think about now when people are trying to call ICP a gang?
Starting point is 00:23:47 That's fucking crazy At the same time You know what I mean? It's like, wow, really, we're that fucking I have the time Seriously, when I think about that I don't want to say, fuck you, we are a gang Fine, fuck it
Starting point is 00:24:03 You know what I'm saying? Why even fight it? Why sit there and demand it? Fuck you, we're a gang, so what? One of the few bands that has actually rose above just like entertainment level was submitted by a listener
Starting point is 00:24:19 Yeah, but didn't you used to go to these juggalo things? You used to go to these, right? Oh, yeah You used to go to the juggalo get-together They call me a double D juggalo Oh, I got you What was my nickname? Music, period
Starting point is 00:24:35 When I read about you, I mean people hate you guys But yes, you yourself flatten them out Because, you know, in the music industry it's not that big You know what I'm saying? We never took any of that shit We never put some major label that put us down
Starting point is 00:24:51 We don't go out with celebrity We bang titty dancers You know what I'm saying? I like that That's pretty cool These guys, they're rappers, right? Something like that It reminds me of that one
Starting point is 00:25:07 we played at the Mexican gangbanger in Chicago When I hooked up with this shit it was major criminal Yeah, I didn't even understand what they just said about the question I don't understand how it tied into the question they got Who the fuck know?
Starting point is 00:25:23 They definitely have a strong following Then I think you or somebody was saying that they're a Christian thing now I don't even remember We covered them a while back But then these guys address it Straight up You guys have your own subculture
Starting point is 00:25:39 but you also have your own theory of the universe and the dark carnival Why don't you explain that and your theory of the ICP theory of the cosmos That's probably another reason why I look like this is us Before you started
Starting point is 00:25:57 the big thing going around right now is that we're like a religious Christian That's the most ridiculous shit ever You know what I'm saying? It's not Just the fact that they're saying something like that is awesome So
Starting point is 00:26:15 They're not, that's the thing I wanted to be clear about that because We don't want to sully their reputations No They're insane for sure Do you want to know how much these guys have sold? How much?
Starting point is 00:26:31 It's unbelievable How many albums? If I had to guess 18 million Ok, now less 6.5 The duo has earned 2 platinum and 5 gold albums
Starting point is 00:26:47 6.5 million units in the United States and Canada as of April 2007 That is fucking cray cray Violent J and shaggy 2 dope That's what I was saying earlier Those are their names?
Starting point is 00:27:03 Oh ok I'm sorry I didn't hear them I knew what I'm talking about Oh man Violent J That's so crazy That's pretty cool man I feel like I don't understand it still
Starting point is 00:27:19 I really got to give these guys a good listen I feel like I'm missing out on something Yeah I believe in God I believe in God I want to believe in something that is science and everything Another thing that you have
Starting point is 00:27:35 that is kind of rare in music is like Ozzy Osbourne and Marilyn Manson People have tried to pin Violin X Dame Lee on the murderer on you guys for the music
Starting point is 00:27:51 that you've made It's my response every time to that man It's like, if you got people listening to what you're saying there's going to be a bad seed in every bunch You know what I'm saying? Look at Jack the Ripper
Starting point is 00:28:07 He probably bumped that shit out of Mozart You know what I'm saying? Mozart catch flat from Jack the Ripper stabbing up some prostitutes You know what I'm saying? It's a good amount of you know what I'm saying? But we also have a new submission to kind of take the crown
Starting point is 00:28:23 Somebody said that Back in the day What a wear You know what I'm saying? Crown It's not just did you say it and did you say it a lot It's did you say it a lot in a certain amount of time
Starting point is 00:28:39 and that gets lost on people I feel like people are like oh you know this guy said you know I'm saying a lot and then he said it over like 20 minutes 10 times It's like that's not what we're talking about that's not who we are
Starting point is 00:28:55 We're talking for quantity and quality Exactly Beats per minute you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? So this is submitted I haven't listened to it yet
Starting point is 00:29:11 but this person said they were like hey give this guy a tally and see if he can hang Okay let's see what he said Let's see what happens here He's trying to you know was saying to take a next level
Starting point is 00:29:27 to make sure our family get our household's back the right track we need our households back you know what I'm saying? It's so low it's all tumor
Starting point is 00:29:43 all it's killing all that you know what I'm saying get lighter don't get it right that's it man, what's your name again for the people guy? Swole Money Villain when he hit 11 in about 15 seconds and by the way
Starting point is 00:29:59 that's how you fucking do it that's how you play the game I mean that was almost one you know what I'm saying per second it's pretty high that was swole money really thank you swole money that was good all it's killing all that
Starting point is 00:30:15 we need seats you know what I'm saying get right with that that's it man what's your name again for the people guy? Swole Money Villain that's what it is man see y'all got a lot of positive shit going on
Starting point is 00:30:31 man in the hood on a different level trying to make it out it all started we was living in the projects going to school okay then the other guy we're looking for know what I'm saying not that kind of shit I like how
Starting point is 00:30:47 you got upset there this is not what the show is about we don't need your exposition don't give me your fucking demo I want you to know what I'm saying your demo I don't want to hear your raps bro just give me the goods
Starting point is 00:31:05 not doing record deal and shit yeah like a trip to Crate and Barrel today yeah which you know every now and then our genes get worn down and we needed some fun so to the other day
Starting point is 00:31:25 you were like hey can we do a Crate and Barrel trip and just kind of see what's going on in yuppie town and um it was a pretty productive trip I'd say we got some new glasses you know what I'm really upset about though
Starting point is 00:31:41 is like there's got to be a bowl that I can put in the microwave that doesn't get hot as fuck and doesn't require me to wear oven mitts when I take the bowl out why isn't that bowl
Starting point is 00:31:57 talked about more that you're talking about I asked the lady at Crate and Barrel if they have it because I figured that's where that was creamy and she looked at me like no I mean it depends on what you're putting in it
Starting point is 00:32:13 and I go I don't know it's soup and she looked at me like I was the dumbest insane clown posse member she's ever seen yeah she was like um well yeah there's no such thing as a bowl like that it just depends what's in the bowl you living in a fancy land
Starting point is 00:32:29 how do they not come up with a bowl that you can heat up the contents of and the bowl itself doesn't burn your there's got to be a better way I can't keep doing this my hands hurt well I'm serious mind you and I feel like
Starting point is 00:32:45 it's like a it's lame there has to be a microwavable bowl that doesn't scorch your paws when you pull it out of the microwave that's the bait of my existence because then what happens is I like to make tomato soup in the bowl and then I use our dish towels to
Starting point is 00:33:01 hold it and then I spill the soup all over the dish towel and then they turn red and it never comes out yep and you know what we're fucking sick of that I got white people problems and you know what kind of tomato soup I eat
Starting point is 00:33:17 what? Campbell's old school tomato soup and you know what I put on it craft shaky cheese you like that craft shake I love it in tomato soup Campbell's what's your favorite soup do you eat canned soup ever or I don't ever see you doing it
Starting point is 00:33:33 I mean I do when I'm sick I'll have chicken noodle that's kind of the go to you like that one in restaurants I've been getting split peas sometimes that's a good one cream of mushroom I love that one that's a good one yeah nothing too crazy
Starting point is 00:33:49 yeah but it's needed cream barrel today because we had in and out right before yeah and what happened at the in and out babe at the in and out I ate it way too fast I remember that and I had a toffee before in and out
Starting point is 00:34:05 and then we pull up in the crate and barrel and I said nah I'm fine I don't have to shit and then we walked in and I said I got a shit now and I just want to reach out to any crate and barrel listeners
Starting point is 00:34:21 any employees that you have a fine fine facility to take a dump in I took a pee and it was really nice at the bathroom at the same time which I should point out is it's a really neat thing that a restaurant or excuse me
Starting point is 00:34:37 a store offers is to have you know the men and women's room right there close to each other where a nice couple can go and release their fluids so married people do they go to crane barrel and then they go take a dump together imagine if we had lived in a different era
Starting point is 00:34:53 like just imagine if we had lived I don't know 100 years ago it would be wonderful that would be you know we always be doing holes and shitting outside like in the game of thrones time no that's a little more than 100 I think but you know you bathe
Starting point is 00:35:09 like once a month or something it's more than smells it's not only smells even watching that show Mr. Selfridge you know Selfridge's I think they were the first one to build a ladies room so that women ladies
Starting point is 00:35:25 rather could relieve themselves out in public because before that they would go home think about that for a second think about that that was whatever 100 yeah like around 100 years ago
Starting point is 00:35:41 that if you did anything out and had to go to the bathroom you went all the way home sucks like any social thing you're like I gotta pee well let's wrap it up we're done for today that's crazy right but there are some people
Starting point is 00:35:57 that won't pee or poo in public ever still there are I mean they're mentally ill let's be honest like you should be able to at least you know peeps and you know drop ass there's things that you should be able to do
Starting point is 00:36:13 like that in public but it is but it's nice to be able to take a shit in public man I mean I wonder if those ladies were shitting when the ladies room was at or just peeing you know I was just thinking that I was just thinking
Starting point is 00:36:29 that babe you were just thinking that yeah it's like great minds think alike yeah it's like we both thought of it be a lady in soft fridges in 1915 okay madame would you like to try on this dress I'd love to
Starting point is 00:36:45 but first I have to use the loo very well I'll be right here when you're done oh thank you I've got to take off my corset and my layers of clothing and we have a young lady that will listist you oh thank you yes love
Starting point is 00:37:01 can't even help when I see this oh oh oh I'm so embarrassed I'm so embarrassed oh my god I hope everything is well madame I hope everything is just fine
Starting point is 00:37:23 in there no thank you I just released some crumpets in the toilet we heard quite a bit of a ruckus in there could you imagine even to the bummer of taking off like layers of those awful clothing the smells
Starting point is 00:37:39 the smells the smells oh so selfridges the reason they put the perfume department we saw that documentary is because all the horse carriages the smell of horse shit was right there so that's why they put the perfume in the front of the store that's what I'm saying these people lived I mean you wouldn't know any different but just knowing
Starting point is 00:37:55 how we live now Christ dude in London people would just dump trash out of their windows isn't that how the plague got started like rats were eating the trash that people were tossing out of their windows it was true people trash buckets of shit and piss
Starting point is 00:38:11 Christ yeah it's pretty gnarly yeah everything sucked there's no you know there's no time I'd want to live in other than now I think now is pretty great yeah now
Starting point is 00:38:27 and then I think well obviously probably in a hundred years people will look back at 2015 and be like can you believe how the savages lived those barbarians actually here's the other decades I would choose it would have to be 1900s because like soap, medicine, dental
Starting point is 00:38:43 care I would do 1960s I think that was pretty cool it would be a cool decade to live in only in the United States however which state well west coast, obvi, LA 1960 yeah a lot of bonin, a lot of bonin
Starting point is 00:38:59 that's what I'm saying like a lot of free love civil rights movement, the women's movement and then I would do the 80s because there was a lot of coke and fun in LA if I could do anything it would be like 1830 Birmingham, Alabama you know just hang out
Starting point is 00:39:15 just see what's happening there just walking around seeing what's maybe Jackson, Mississippi just like what are you guys doing today like that kind of stuff you want to lemonade that kind of thing, I think that would be a nice era
Starting point is 00:39:31 horrible it's pretty bad, yeah you know I'd take that back maybe like 19 36, Berlin just making my way just looking for the perfect beer
Starting point is 00:39:47 you know what I mean just always trying to find a beer well I was like a booming time in Berlin you know the economy was doing great beer gardens everywhere that's what I heard that's what I heard
Starting point is 00:40:03 you heard and that's that's how same folks different same struggles I love that saying and I I laugh at it to myself every time like every night I laugh at some point speaking of that saying you and I
Starting point is 00:40:19 and Matt Bronger and a bunch of other people are on true TV season two it premiered tonight we're doing this Tuesday so it's on and it's going to be on
Starting point is 00:40:35 Tuesday nights 10 east coast 7 west coast there you go so the next episode airs June 9th on true TV 7pm west coast 10pm east coast and central
Starting point is 00:40:51 who cares you know it's really neat they added segments it's all Tuesday nights and it's 10 eastern 9 central there's going to be 12 airing episodes
Starting point is 00:41:07 and the new season is really cool try to get like a season pass and definitely try to see the first episode again Christina has a great segment in it you have your thing too we both have things and we're together in a bunch of the stuff too
Starting point is 00:41:23 it's the best they added some new stuff they really do a good job it's really funny Fitzdogs in it Al Jackson a lot of funny people funny McFartland
Starting point is 00:41:39 yeah McFartland's in that too there's a bunch of really funny people on that show so anyways definitely check that out this email came in jeans of a song somebody made it looks like
Starting point is 00:41:55 it's for Teddy Loone's get out of town let me see if I can pull this up it's Teddy Loone's yo yo yo it's Teddy Loone's yo yo yo
Starting point is 00:42:19 it's Teddy Loone's yo yo yo it's Teddy Loone's Who did you hear? i'm a short big girl girl who did you hear? i'm a short big girl girl who did you hear?
Starting point is 00:42:39 i'm a short big girl girl who did you hear? i'm a short big girl girl They ain't nobody Violence yeah baby guitar yeah baby guitar I know I know I know
Starting point is 00:42:55 I know I know I know I know I know You got a good boy Men Men
Starting point is 00:43:13 You got a good boy Men Men You got a good boy Men You got a good boy Men You got a good boy
Starting point is 00:43:31 Men You got a good boy Men Good job, man. That's a easel Is that his name? NYM Zell NYM I don't know how to say it
Starting point is 00:43:48 He took that from the prank phone call That's amazing Yeah, when Teddy pranked the barbershop I left a wallet there Who did you have? Kind of a short big guy Kind of a short big guy A short big girl
Starting point is 00:44:06 You ain't got no fat ones there Katelyn's is one of the great American heroes I know there's Katelyn Jenner now but there's also Teddy Yeah, I mean, don't you feel like Teddy hasn't been given his proper due? No, I feel like that's a character
Starting point is 00:44:24 He needs the cover of Vanity Fair He needs to show himself I bet if the people at that shop knew about Bruce turning into Katelyn I bet the reaction of everyone at that shop would be like Man
Starting point is 00:44:40 I think if you're honest with yourself most people's reactions are Man Like That's very insensitive I'm very insensitive I'm good for him
Starting point is 00:44:56 I don't understand Obviously It's a big deal for him I hate that I have to fucking deal with it Why do I have to see the fucking cover? Why do I have to think about it?
Starting point is 00:45:12 Jesus It's kind of forced on you Yeah, good for you I get it The poor man's trapped in a woman's body is terrible This is kind of I think the thing is that this is going to
Starting point is 00:45:28 bring Those issues have existed for a long time Now Him Coming out with this issue and going through his transition It's going to make it a conversation
Starting point is 00:45:44 Whether you want to hear it or not He's going to be the champion of that cause Obviously, he's volunteered for that Go for it Good for him, man That vanity fair cover was like
Starting point is 00:46:00 I have a hard time and I know this is considered a big faux pas and I don't mean it like to be an asshole but it is kind of like, don't call me when people are like, I'm not Tom I'm Jennifer
Starting point is 00:46:16 Sure Alright That's like And then if you don't you're being really disrespectful But everyone's known you as Tom for the last 47 years
Starting point is 00:46:32 You've been alive We're supposed to be able to make the switch I mean, you're supposed to Which I understand they're like, well that's who I am now There's a little bit of like I'm Batman
Starting point is 00:46:48 now You're just saying that you're different I get what's happening You're notifying differently but you're also just saying I'm something else now I'm a different person
Starting point is 00:47:04 People still know you Yeah The picture Sorry, I keep thinking about how Because on the one hand he wants to be a lady Now you're going to get judged Let's talk about your looks, bitch
Starting point is 00:47:20 That's what it means to be a woman It sucks If you're born a white man in America Like fucking score, bro Like you're the top of the food chain Of course it's the best It's so great It's like the red carpet rolled out for you and you're like
Starting point is 00:47:36 Nah, I don't want to be CEO of this company I want to be the janitor Are there some toilets I can clean Could you guys push me down a peg or five Fuck, you know what I'm saying It just kills me I know what you're saying It's
Starting point is 00:47:52 It's so great being a white guy Of course, you guys are You run the world I'm trying to think what you'd have to give me To give up being a white guy in America What you'd have to give me You're top of the food Anything you want
Starting point is 00:48:08 It's just yours Because other white guys rule stuff All you have to do is be like Hey, other white guy who rules stuff Can I have this and they're like Yeah, of course, you're a white guy And they're all like It's great
Starting point is 00:48:24 Not only that, but he was like The ultimate white guy He's an athlete An Olympic gold medalist That's not just an athlete He was the fucking man No joke there It's so upsetting to me that he would
Starting point is 00:48:40 You know how hard I have to work Just to get half the credit On stuff that white guys normally get You know what I'm saying I'm unbelievable Do you want to hear his alternate names? He came up with more than one Well, I got this on the internet
Starting point is 00:48:56 So she reveals that Two more names were in the running Okay, so here's her other alternates For Caitlin, Heather and Kathy Heather and Kathy But when her assistant Ronda Suggested Caitlin Jenner said I love that name too
Starting point is 00:49:16 And her mind was all but made up The only thing left to settle Was the spelling and with the Jenner Kardashian penchant For names beginning with the letter K It was no easy decision You know what it is I think it's that we're treating this
Starting point is 00:49:32 Like it's breaking news Like it's so important How did he come up with Caitlin? Yeah How did he decide on this I'm sorry, she decided on You know it's fucking 20 years ago This wouldn't be
Starting point is 00:49:48 Headlining breaking news That some guy cut his dick off People have been doing this for a while Some guy cut his dick off You know what I mean, this wasn't breaking news It's like, okay, alright Not that I, like again, good for him Mazel Tov, enjoy your vagina
Starting point is 00:50:06 Enjoy your vagina Yeah Yeah, there's some other things going on in the world Right, there's And also, you know Call me crazy But hero In my opinion is reserved for people
Starting point is 00:50:22 Who act selflessly People Who rescue people You know what I mean Like dig babies out of wells Yeah, I think the whole thing For me is that I do think Living your
Starting point is 00:50:38 Honest truth is probably The best way to live your life Yeah If you have to live in Any shameful Secret and live that way for years and years Or you know, not be who you are That's horrible, so I commend you
Starting point is 00:50:54 Anyone for Being true to who they are I think the idea that like This is A bigger story than Real Life altering news that's going on in the world Yeah
Starting point is 00:51:12 Or like I don't know if it's true or not They said that he was awarded Some Humanitarian thing You know, for this For doing this And
Starting point is 00:51:30 The guy that came in second place Was a war vet With missing limbs That's a hero That to me is like That sounds like a hero to me You lose some limbs For your country, that's technically
Starting point is 00:51:46 Hero Is it courageous of him to come out Like absolutely, courage Absolutely Hero, I don't know I don't know, I reserve that for people To put their life on the line Oh, he got the Arthur Ashe Award
Starting point is 00:52:02 That's what he got Okay, courage, absolutely Very courageous You know, because he's getting nailed for it He has douchebags like me Saying these things that most people are thinking Yeah, and they're saying Noah Galloway
Starting point is 00:52:18 Was the guy There's a rumor floating around That Galloway was actually the runner-up Thanks to Some writer But this isn't the case Okay, so he didn't lose it It's
Starting point is 00:52:36 I'm just, you know Reading what people said I guess He wasn't the runner-up They just gave him this award So anyways There's a debate whether or not That award should go to somebody like him
Starting point is 00:52:54 Or this guy Galloway who lost a leg And an arm in I don't know, it doesn't say where But in Iraq, he lost two limbs Oh my god, see And he now competes In triathlons
Starting point is 00:53:10 And crossfit competitions With two missing limbs Wow, wow Wow, that's heroic That's pretty... I think I know how you feel about this That's pretty amazing, man Yeah, well, alright
Starting point is 00:53:30 What would you tell Katelyn? I don't know I was going to say the pose that she's in And Vanny Fair is really weird Her arms and legs are kind of bound Behind her, it struck me as an odd She's like 6'3 Oh, is that why they tried to make
Starting point is 00:53:46 Her look more... I'm just saying it's a big physical body Right, it was an odd pose They really Really touched it up I think did Annie Leibovitz do the I think she did the photographs You know, she looked good
Starting point is 00:54:02 Katelyn looked good Those are her own nails That was my favorite dance You know, I actually do my own nails Like oh Oh, you do Oh, look at you, bougie Most people aren't even capable of that
Starting point is 00:54:18 I do my own nails too, asshole Most women do their own nails Lots of women do their own nails Welcome to the club You're going to shave your own legs Yeah Those big size 13 tootsies Would you kiss those tootsies?
Starting point is 00:54:38 I don't think so See, that's the thing, you can't You can But this is Me being a real I guess this is an asshole thing to say But that's a man's foot Yeah, still is
Starting point is 00:54:54 You can't do your feet, right? You can do them, but I wouldn't be like Oh, let me give you a foot rub See, in my mind That's Bruce's foot Still a dude Still a dude I wonder how his vagina looks
Starting point is 00:55:10 I don't think he had an operation done I think he intends to I know, but you said vagina as if it exists already I don't think it exists already Oh, okay His tits look great, they did a good titty job on him Yeah He looks like he has tits
Starting point is 00:55:26 Yeah It sucks because I think For the other way around, a woman becoming a man They don't really have a You can't really get like a big penis You kind of get like a smaller penis Yeah Which sucks because I imagine if you want to be a dude
Starting point is 00:55:42 You want like a girthy, you know Oh, yeah You want a thick fucking cock on you Wow, you're a real pig If you were changing, what kind of dick would you want on you? A big black one Come on, that's ridiculous I would
Starting point is 00:55:58 A big black one? Of course So you think that's a little First of all You're just kind of perpetuating a stereotype Very insensitive Well, it's insensitive, but it's also just tacky It's not like Tacky
Starting point is 00:56:14 Why can't I like big black penises? You can, but it's also It would be so alarming for you to have one I mean, can you be a little more You know Dignified about it? What measurements would you get On your ding-dong if you were becoming a man?
Starting point is 00:56:32 I don't know, you know, I don't know I'd have to go on a hand I'd have to squeeze a few Like that? I'm showing you I don't go by, you're showing me a hole I need to touch with my own hand And kind of like
Starting point is 00:56:48 Would you want your middle finger And your thumb to touch when you held it? I don't know, sure, okay You're not going girthy enough I don't think I think the idea would be that you hold it like this That's too big It's not pleasurable for anybody
Starting point is 00:57:04 Smaller even Okay, alright That's good size That's even kind of big The first thing you would do though Is put it in their mouth That's a really good question Gosh
Starting point is 00:57:20 You're like Oprah here Christina, as you're making Your change to Mark Mark, you think that's my name? As you're changing Into Omerion And you have your penis now
Starting point is 00:57:38 Is your first intention To be to pull that thing Out and just shove it in someone's mouth? No, no, I think I wouldn't go for a mouth first I would go into a vagina first Because that's really what I'd be most curious about How does that feel?
Starting point is 00:57:56 Well, Christina, here we are At my ranch in Montecito My pants are coming off Why don't you shove it right in here An Oprah snatch? Wouldn't you love to dump your clip in there? No, why? I mean, she's not my dream lady, you know
Starting point is 00:58:12 Yeah, but it's still Oprah The story, don't you get it? Nice, I like it, yeah I would do it right now Do you have a Frankenpener? No, I would do Oprah right now It's Oprah You'd have sex with Oprah?
Starting point is 00:58:28 100% Are you being honest? Yeah, of course Oprah Oh, Oprah Oh, Oprah, come on, it's Oprah The Oprah story, would you really get mad if I was like, I just had sex with Oprah?
Starting point is 00:58:44 No, I love her, I love you I love you both together, you make a nice couple Well, I'm not gonna update her You could be her next dead man But imagine the stories I'd have from my Oprah sex Her pants look so big on a, was it Letterman?
Starting point is 00:59:00 The last, I was watching it in like a green room somewhere, I looked up and I'm like, Jesus Oprah's tits are taking over that the fucking monitor dude Tits are so big I actually feel like sex with Oprah would be pretty close to this
Starting point is 00:59:16 Oh, yeah Oh Oh, would you beg me with the ball? Oh, shit Fuck, yeah Oh Oh
Starting point is 00:59:32 God, slam that fucking pussy Well, you think that's kind of how Oprah does it? She does not say that stuff Why not? You know, my opinion honestly about opops I think she's so damaged from her childhood I don't think she's a very sexual person That could be
Starting point is 00:59:48 I don't think she's very comfortable A lot of people are not as sexual as some of us would think that they are Yeah Then by some of us, I mean me You? That some people
Starting point is 01:00:04 sex doesn't even play that big a part in their life Some people are not driven by it They're not, you know, that turned on by it, they're not motivated by it Yeah, some people just are lower Yeah, lower libido For sure This lady here is not that low
Starting point is 01:00:20 No, she's, is that Diamond? She's real talent, I really like this girl Diamond slash Oprah, yeah Diamond Diamond Is this Clevver that came in? Yeah Okay, here we go
Starting point is 01:00:36 Alright, how's everybody doing? My name's Kevin And this is my first Yankee candle haul Of course I've always been a fan of Yankee candles Of course However, there was a huge
Starting point is 01:00:52 semi-annual sale this past week And I just definitely had to go ahead and take advantage of this sale The way to see the stuff that I got and for the price that I paid it is absolutely unbelievable So this is a genre of videos that I didn't even
Starting point is 01:01:08 know existed on YouTube and that is look at what I got at the store Yeah, I've seen people unwrap packages like technology things Electronics I knew about and I kind of get that they're like there's a new item
Starting point is 01:01:24 It's out this week and you make a video That's the box that comes in Here's what it looks like Here's how you turn it on Because those are big purchases Yes, but there's stuff that's like Yankee candle had a sale
Starting point is 01:01:40 And here's all the candles I got I love it and I'm so on board because I'm a huge Yankee candle purchaser and fan I fucking love Yankee candles Why don't we see what Kevin got Alright, first up
Starting point is 01:01:56 we're going to go ahead and talk about Yankee candle 22 oz, it's a 2014 pour It's a lemon zest in a large jar This candle smells to me like Lemon obviously, very tart
Starting point is 01:02:16 smelling, also gives off kind of a candy lemon smell And I'm excited to burn it but the only problem is with this candle is look at the wick The wick there is already saturated with wax which is not typical
Starting point is 01:02:34 Not sure if the wax or if the wick has been actually cut already So this is where I have to go back but I got some lemon notes in here I mean this is like someone talking about the notes What I'm getting
Starting point is 01:02:50 lemon Wait, does he mean like the flavors like the notes Like wine Exactly, his nose, he's like getting some lemon notes getting southern I'm getting the
Starting point is 01:03:06 the tannins the barrel, the oakiness I'm getting a 2014 Can I tell you something though His description of the lemon candle, not very good because he goes first it's tart Is it sweet like candy?
Starting point is 01:03:22 Is it sour, is it sweet Is it really a combination of the two Kevin? I'm not buying his distinctions Kevin, we're ready for the second candle A little bit of creamy notes but definitely very tart It does not smell
Starting point is 01:03:38 like a spick and span or some sort of a cleaning product It's very fresh lemon but it does have a vanilla note to it to some extent I'm very excited to burn this one
Starting point is 01:03:54 It's got a lot of wax pockets in it so it's going to be real fragrant when it burns Number one Not exact Number two is hazelnut coffee
Starting point is 01:04:10 which is a 2015 pour It is with authentic Yankee fragrance, the 22 ounce large jar Look at the marbling on that guys Very deep pockets of oil
Starting point is 01:04:26 Marbling like steak Right away This is the most realistic smelling Yankee candle that I think I've ever smelled I honestly feel like I'm putting my nose into coffee grounds
Starting point is 01:04:42 It's that strong It's just extremely I would like this candle The coffee hazelnut I smelled this a bed bath and beyond It just smelled like shitty
Starting point is 01:04:58 hazelnut It was not my favorite I don't like that negative turn on a potential candle in the home I would rather you ease into your critique of it One of the coffee flavored
Starting point is 01:05:14 smelling things is that they can also smell like diarrhea to me Again, we're just piling on this potentially wonderful smell and you're now taking it to a whole other level not a critique but now an insult
Starting point is 01:05:30 I feel like you're disrespecting not just that smell but the candle makers and all the people involved with making this candle The problem with the coffee flavored anything in this home is that I will take a shit every time I smell it
Starting point is 01:05:46 because sometimes I just smell the coffee and I have to make a brim It's problematic It'll make me shit every time I light it Alright This has got the bubbly wax in it so it's the regular Yankee candle wax
Starting point is 01:06:02 and if you want me to describe it I think the best way to describe it is to put coffee grounds put it right up to your nose real quick and you actually would know what this candle smells like fresh hazelnut coffee
Starting point is 01:06:18 I think this would be a good candle for the morning time I know some people burn candles for seasonings summer, spring but what about hours like a morning candle versus an evening candle So Kevin nailed it on that one
Starting point is 01:06:34 I really like that you did that It's just to give you a different type of video but in the same genre I would say Hello YouTube friends This is Ladybug
Starting point is 01:06:50 and I want to share with you Dollar Tree Hall Jesus Christ I went on Mother's Day shopping I have two sons and they're beautiful wonderful thoughtful young men so I'm ready to do it as I wish
Starting point is 01:07:06 so I went to Dollar Tree Let me show you please what I have This is the most depressing shopping So she's introducing this idea How long do you think it is, the video I mean it's the fucking dollar story It's what I got in the dollar store You can buy a ton of crap
Starting point is 01:07:22 It's 14 minutes and 40 seconds And when can you get there? Wipes, sponges We're gonna find out Here we go 13 38 Let's start with these
Starting point is 01:07:40 And what this is is refills for soap decanters So I got two of those Wow I also got some tissue wrap
Starting point is 01:07:56 to put in gift bags and things of that sort See I was about to say this is just somebody that's really bored Nothing's going on People who are really bored will
Starting point is 01:08:12 shop a lot By the way, it doesn't mean it can be any social economic background A rich person does it the same way a poor person does They just buy different things Poor people People that are bored just buy
Starting point is 01:08:28 shit We've all been there We just did it today We did a Creighton barrel But then I see she also collects bullshit I bet you she has some trauma
Starting point is 01:08:44 Yeah, like hoarder style Yeah, for sure There's collectible bullshit and then I got soap refills and you're making a video about it I got hefty Ziploc bags I always need those
Starting point is 01:09:00 And then I got two journals Oh boy Pretty, isn't it? One in pink Okay One in blue Okay I will say this because this is obviously
Starting point is 01:09:16 boring as shit but she's probably a nice person Sweet lady It's all thumbs up on her video That's all positive comments Please don't destroy this woman Stupid fucking bitch And here's the comments
Starting point is 01:09:32 Great haul What a great haul Guess what Kevin posted on her Kevin who had the Yankee What a great haul Thanks for checking out my Yankee candle haul I checked yours out too
Starting point is 01:09:48 Thanks for subscribing Talk to you soon My cousin Shadi She would probably get really excited over this too And then someone wrote Cool haul If you'd like to check it out And then this lady wrote
Starting point is 01:10:04 Thanks, I look forward to viewing your videos This is all like a community Would you buy today That's really great You got such a great deal on it I like a deal I get it I just don't need to watch her buying soap
Starting point is 01:10:20 Open tissue There's one here that's Dollar Tree Halt It's 17 minutes long God damn God damn I also got This hot and cold bag
Starting point is 01:10:36 And it's used for When it's hot here And you have So those come three to a pack So I got the blue ones And then I got Some orange ones I got some
Starting point is 01:10:52 Clear white ones And the devil Rich you got a book And then this book is called She's the one So we'll see what that's about Walter Moseley is a Very well known writer
Starting point is 01:11:08 And since all I did was shoot my man Now that should be interesting reading Not that I advocate violence But we'll see what it says I love it Blackberry Center is like a deep purple Very pretty So anyways
Starting point is 01:11:24 If you guys are bored out there Go watch some Shopping Hall videos Dollar Tree Hall Looks like they have a whole community of people That post What they got there Here's one that's 22 minutes long
Starting point is 01:11:40 I will not keep playing that for you Can you press pause for a moment Actually I need to fix this arm again Okay Yeah and then We have We have this email Do you want me to read this email about semen taste?
Starting point is 01:12:00 Yeah please I guess we were talking about it Hey momies I just wanted to chime in on your argument About Whether or not food affects the taste Of jizz like a previous listener I too eat A man juice for easy cleanup
Starting point is 01:12:16 Jesus I thought it was a woman that ate her man's juices But this is a guy that eats his own juice Is that right? I don't know I'm just reading the email Oh it's anonymous jeans I've noticed throughout the years that many things Effect taste
Starting point is 01:12:32 For years when I was a vegetarian Yeah he eats his own jizz Oh my god My jizz was sweet and not at all bitter However if I get drunk I ask food the taste is unbearable Long story short Fruits and veggies delicious
Starting point is 01:12:48 Process meats Terrible Hope I shed some light on the situation I think you actually opened up an entirely Different set of questions About You're like I just do it for the easy cleanup It's a pretty bold move
Starting point is 01:13:04 Right I don't know if that's easier Yeah there's this whole thing you can just You can easily Sop it up with a sock Or the dollar store You can do a haul and you can get a ton of tissue Ton of tissues and then that could be
Starting point is 01:13:20 A real easy cleanup To me that doesn't sound very Easy Oh my Christ It's a lot to come It's a good way of putting that That's a really I don't think it could have been
Starting point is 01:13:36 Summarized any better than the way Right there So email Speaking of a lot of people want to know How Theo is adjusting Cut down That's a lot to come Was that me
Starting point is 01:13:52 Is that what you're trying It's a lot of people Inquiring About Theo's new life With his sibling Bitsy We haven't really gotten him up to the microphone Because he's been in such a foul mood
Starting point is 01:14:08 For the last three weeks But I think he's ready to talk Theo Come here buddy, do you want to talk Come here Hi buddy, how are you Tired of this shit Yeah
Starting point is 01:14:26 What's going on today Today I'm leaving Leaving Packing up What do you mean, why You're moving Where are you going to go I think I might
Starting point is 01:14:42 Go to Maybe San Jose Why What made you decide this This ain't the type of house for me no more Is it because of Bitsy I feel like y'all trying to make me somebody I'm not
Starting point is 01:15:00 Oh Theo We love you I don't give a shit what you think Or who you love I'm hardcore In this bitch you brought in She's trying to punk me in my own house Y'all took my knives away
Starting point is 01:15:16 Y'all took my cigarettes away Y'all took all my shit away Now I feel like I gotta I gotta make a statement I'm sick of y'all Punkin' me out I'm sick of this bitch I'm getting on my head
Starting point is 01:15:32 She crowned in my bed She eatin' my food Y'all don't do shit about it You letting her punk me out Here's the thing We are trying to be respectful Of your space But at the same time
Starting point is 01:15:48 This dog is part of our family now And you're going to have to learn to Get along with her You're going to have to learn to sniff my asshole Because I'm leaving Up in Northern California for the finals So I'm going to go up there See what kind of shit I can get into
Starting point is 01:16:04 Proud chop shit up Take some beds See what happens Run a new game up there I'm out of here How are you going to get up there? You don't have a car I'm taking a bus They're not going to let a dog on the bus
Starting point is 01:16:20 I already got my bag I bought a ticket earlier today How? You went to the bus stop You were locked up all day I went out when y'all were out And then I came back in Y'all don't even know about the secrets out here
Starting point is 01:16:36 There's different ways in and out of this place It ain't just a fucking front door And a back door Sorry I didn't realize Do you not like anything about your new sister? She's very cute She's ugly as fuck
Starting point is 01:16:52 Ugly? She's biting my tail And she's biting my face And I try to bite her back And y'all like nah don't bite her back Well you're substantially bigger than her She's only four pounds you're like 14 I'm trying to get some
Starting point is 01:17:08 But y'all took my nuts away So I can't even get in there And dig up in them little puppy guts You probably wouldn't be able to have sex with a puppy anyways Yeah I probably could if I could still get hard Okay You've taken everything from me You've taken my joy
Starting point is 01:17:24 You've taken my dignity It seems that you enjoy eating The puppy's food I'm trying to maintain What little bit of manhood I have left Fifo come on You mean to tell me you never have fun I see you guys playing every now and then
Starting point is 01:17:40 That ain't play I'm putting on a happy face So y'all think everything's cool and I get the fuck out of here Okay You still get to sleep in the bed with us though Maybe you get to sleep in my bed Okay You get to sleep in my bed
Starting point is 01:17:56 Are you going to be teaching bits of your bad habits I really hope you're not going to smoke or drink in front of her You know what I did last night What I put rocks in her bed Feef why Every time I went outside I brought a rock back And I put it in her bed
Starting point is 01:18:12 Fifo that's terrible Why would you do that I tried to bring glass broken glass in I cut up But I dropped it She's so cute and tiny how could you do that When are you all putting her down We're not putting her down we're keeping her
Starting point is 01:18:28 I'm trying to put her down every night Okay It's not very nice Please don't kill her we like her We invested in her emotionally and financially already Please Right before I leave tonight When you'll never see me again
Starting point is 01:18:44 I'm going to put some rocks in her food And please don't leave Fifo we love you What can I do to make your life better You could put it down in the morning Okay it's not going to happen Put it down Next week It's not going to happen
Starting point is 01:19:00 I'll be real nice up until then if you promise you put it down It's not going to happen Fufi It's not going to happen Um Do you think you could tell Bitsy to stop eating cat turds Look You got what you deserved You brought in a dumb bitch
Starting point is 01:19:16 And that's what dumb bitches do You know They chew cat shit They chew bubblegum They fucking stupid And they let every mother fucking Doll on the block stick She's going to be the neighbor
Starting point is 01:19:32 But there's only one way I decided I will stay I'm a pimp this bitch out Okay it's not going to happen You know she's a hoe But a hoe who gets paid Is a hoe that can stay That's the way I've been doing it since I was
Starting point is 01:19:48 Seven years old Seven years old I was pimping Fucking dogs So now there's going to be a little tax On the dog dicks that want to run up inside Oh my god okay First of all Bitsy is four pounds She's a tiny Brussels griffon
Starting point is 01:20:04 There's a fucking Rottweiler next door Those dick weights four pounds I'm going to tell him it's free Maybe he'll wreck that shit You know I do hope eventually you learn to love Your new little sister I hope that you don't pimp her out
Starting point is 01:20:20 To Rottweilers It's a done deal She won't even know because I spit games so smooth Okay Well you know what I just hope that she softens your heart The way she softens ours And maybe if you cuddle with her
Starting point is 01:20:36 You'll see that she's not so bad Maybe in your cup that you're drinking out When you don't look Thank you Fife Very nice Thank you Why don't you go back in your crate Don't rest
Starting point is 01:20:52 I think you need a nap Kiss my ass Okay Bye Fife There he goes Bye Felicia You know He's gotten worse and worse attitude
Starting point is 01:21:08 He's got such a bad attitude I was hoping that the new dog would kind of give him A little spunk A little new lease on life But he just hates her Yeah he does It's got to be tough for A guy like him to
Starting point is 01:21:24 You know See go from the only attention Is him to sharing that That's got to be tough He was an only child I find drugs in his crate I find Little empty liquor bottles in there
Starting point is 01:21:40 Oh boy He is really I found some marijuana Half smoked stuff He's got Stubs from the race track The horses You know you can take the dog out of the ghetto
Starting point is 01:22:00 Yeah We're just going to have to Get him into counseling Speaking of the hood This video we were going to get to I think last week It's pretty fun Where this guy got to interview drug dealers
Starting point is 01:22:16 In the house We didn't get into this You want to hear it? I do So this guy is He goes Into a house where these guys Sell drugs and they're all Asks so you can't see them
Starting point is 01:22:32 But they bring up Some pretty interesting points Check out what they had to say Thanks for talking to us guys I know we're not going to mention who you are We're not going to say what gang you're affiliated to But you are gang members You are a blood gang
Starting point is 01:22:48 Can you tell us how you How you became members of the gang? On a set deal We grew up all our life On a set And there was a pressure under you? There was no pressure You got to be a leader in this shit
Starting point is 01:23:04 If you ain't no leader You keep following That's what's up How young are you? All her Shores of love about Fidding Shit the streets is up
Starting point is 01:23:22 That's what's up The streets going to feed you around her Shit Ain't no job without feed Because there weren't little choices for you then There wasn't much chance of getting a job It's a lot of choices out there I wear my mask like a swear
Starting point is 01:23:40 You smell me It's a lot of choices out there You can do a lot of nice things Positive things But that ain't what I choose I choose the streets It's like if you don't know nobody around her How much money would be that
Starting point is 01:23:56 This right here If I'm bagging up and selling Which I'm not going to bagging up and selling A quarter ounce of this ale right here Shit I'll fucking give it to you Shit Fuck it
Starting point is 01:24:12 I'll fucking sell you an ounce for $85 Anybody else wants another ounce? $125 Learning about the game right there You follow? I try a little bit Does it make sense to you? No, you know
Starting point is 01:24:28 I mean I try What are you talking about? So you're saying that you're 30 years old You got a family and you sell The weed and you said Water, can you explain What water is?
Starting point is 01:24:44 Water is PCP They love it Take the cigarette out Take the filter out You're loosing the squirrel The motherfuckers ain't gonna show you This ain't no game I love how high he is
Starting point is 01:25:06 And how he keeps coughing You can smell it to make sure that's the real deal Holyfield, fuck Mike Tyson I do a smell to you It's the real deal Holyfield, fuck Mike Tyson Oh my god That's weird, you're talking about your friend Yeah, that's my boy, man
Starting point is 01:25:22 I got beef with St. Louis Right here Right here Right here Give me the truth It smells like glue When you That's a PCP has a nice smell to it
Starting point is 01:25:38 Take the cigarette in the bottle The bottle right there It's fucking nice PCP Have you ever done that? I want to say I smoked it accidentally or something once Laced on some kind of cigarette
Starting point is 01:25:54 I'm not sure I'm not sure It's all a blur Wouldn't you like to be able to try every drug without having the consequences? Seriously, somebody goes You're gonna try PCP tonight It's gonna fuck you up
Starting point is 01:26:10 Nothing bad is gonna happen Drugs are so scary Here's what I would like to do You can do any drug you want But when you're done, when you don't want to feel high anymore You can just snap your fingers and you no longer are high I'm kind of talking about that I don't want this anymore
Starting point is 01:26:26 But you get to experience it, this is what this feels like Yeah, but just like a 30 second taste test You can do it in 30 second increments And you can try them all That'd be kind of neat Which one would you sign up for first? Heroin Heroin obviously, that's the biggie
Starting point is 01:26:44 What would you do? Heroin for sure I never did Coke, so I always wanted to try Coke You're kind of a chill dude though I don't know if that would be your lane I don't know if you'd want that much energy You're chill But see, that's the release
Starting point is 01:27:00 Because I'm so chill I gotta tell you, whenever I did any kind of upper It bothered me because it's not your nature Were you ever snorting lines? I've tried Coke? I'm cool What'd you think of it?
Starting point is 01:27:16 I don't like it, I don't like drugs I don't like drugs Because you're just It's not me I did acid more than I did anything Because I like that idea of the psychedelic thing I'll tell you, for a marriage It's the kind of answer you want
Starting point is 01:27:32 If you're out there and you're You're thinking about marrying some person And then they're like, drugs is who I am Think about it Give you a little pause I don't like being out of control And I think Uppers like crystal and coke and all that stuff
Starting point is 01:27:48 You just feel so It's just not me, it's out of control Yeah Too much pot makes me feel out of control Sure You want to know what's also totally out of control? Yankee Candle Hall My third one is
Starting point is 01:28:04 Real exciting This is called Wind Blown I don't like this It is from the 2015 It is from the spring collection I believe Right away I have fallen in love with this smell
Starting point is 01:28:20 It does have It is a fresh Part of the fresh family I think he's eating them too He likes them He likes the smell, he likes the taste Hey, I just bought us a Yankee Candle Did you notice it?
Starting point is 01:28:38 It's called Pink Sands Oh, no I fucking love some Yankee Candles I like their vanilla old school flavor I do love their holiday scents God damn, I love their Cinnamon and then Their home holiday smells
Starting point is 01:28:54 I like that vanilla smell, I really like it Dude, there's nothing like a good vanilla candle in your house Yeah, it's great How about we get this one last thing here This is this guy being really mean to porn stars Yeah, this one's kind of like It's weird because it's a bummer and it's sad But I kind of agree with some of the stuff that he says
Starting point is 01:29:10 Which is so mean Well, it's just, I mean, it's kind of a bummer And then some of it's pretty funny too You listen to it and you watch it You're like, dude, that's not nice And then you laugh at the next one Yeah, some of it's too harsh Yeah, he's definitely an asshole
Starting point is 01:29:26 Yeah So this guy I don't know if you remember Yoshi talked about this guy one time He did? Yeah, this guy's famous For this and the rumor Is that this guy is actually A multi-millionaire in Orange County
Starting point is 01:29:42 And like he and his brother Own like a, they're like General contract or like a builder Like they, you know, they get Paid big bucks to build Homes and I think commercial properties too And that this is what he does for fun
Starting point is 01:29:58 Like he's a sick fuck He's a fucking asshole Yeah, he films, you know, he's behind the camera You never see him and he just talks Ridiculous shit To He hates women, obviously Oh my god, but he also
Starting point is 01:30:14 Hires Like, you know, pretty Like these aren't, he doesn't You don't see any beautiful women In this, so it's almost like he was like Send an ugly girl and then he's Mean to that girl You're gonna have to bring him up
Starting point is 01:30:30 Exactly But like some of it Some of it's too harsh, some of it's on the nose You're gonna like, you're kind of right about that You kind of gotta see it Why are you being so mean? I like to get in these bitches' heads Know why they do what they do
Starting point is 01:30:46 Why do you do what you do? Because I love doing it No, you don't Horses don't love their job And why do you do it? Because you're stupid What brings you here today? To have fun
Starting point is 01:31:04 You know every fucking whore says that I hate that answer The shit is not fun So what type of guys like you? Like white, black, blind Esmeralda, that's an ugly name For an ugly girl Congratulations
Starting point is 01:31:20 You are the fucking ugliest girl We are gonna shoot all year It's January 3rd They're kind of like roast jokes That's the part where you're like Ooh, it's actually Well structured That's a well structured
Starting point is 01:31:36 Jab at somebody But he's brutal to these girls He's brutal You can see it in their face My problem with it is Bro, obviously you jerk off to these girls Not to these girls But to porno girls
Starting point is 01:31:52 Well, they should be your goddesses You should revere them instead of shit on them But hey, that's just me Day 2 into Black History Month You fucking show up to a porn set Dressed as a maid You're uh You're not really
Starting point is 01:32:08 Up to par That's a polite way of saying you're beat Here's what's up You're beat, you know that Yeah, she says yeah Yeah Why are you here then? I want to be a veterinary
Starting point is 01:32:24 That's actually pretty noble I like animals myself Okay Not bad My name is John John John what? John Johnson
Starting point is 01:32:40 A little old to be doing porn, huh? Still gotta try No, you don't Why you doing it? Gotta make money somehow How about getting a job? Maybe a profession Why this?
Starting point is 01:32:56 Because you're stupid You stage dive and do all that wild shit Yeah, I do actually And people catch you? You're kinda heavy Probably takes like half the fucking crowd to catch you, doesn't it? Jesus Whatever
Starting point is 01:33:12 Would you go to the salon? Ask for the Cornelius? Do you even know what he means? Why that? You ever see the movie Planet of the Apes? Oh my shit And how much do you weigh? What moves? 135 pounds
Starting point is 01:33:28 135 And then they bust out of scale This dude is just fucking brutal, man I don't know why the hatred He has so much hatred It's like those serial killers that only murder prostitutes Because they hate prostitutes Because their mom was a hooker or something
Starting point is 01:33:44 One of the reasons they do that Can I tell you? I didn't realize I was talking to the master One of the reasons they kill prostitutes Is that they know That the authorities And the public in general Is not gonna really chase down somebody
Starting point is 01:34:00 As quickly So you can get away with a lot more of it And they're usually right Because the tally on the debt They'll be like, this is his 43rd victim So they're pretty right about that Wasn't there a serial killer whose mother Was a prostitute and had sex
Starting point is 01:34:16 In front of him with her Johns And that led him to want to murder prostitutes I think he actually wanted to murder Just women Yeah, I think that was Henry Lee Lucas Wow, it's like It's so funny, you have like a Rolodex So you're like, yes, I know that
Starting point is 01:34:32 Yeah Henry Lee Lucas, he was murdering me He was murdering me Do you have like trading cards for your serial killers? That's a really rude We have all their stats and stuff Kills I think that's the next step for you
Starting point is 01:34:48 Is that done yet? Serial killer trading cards? I'm sure There's a serial killer board game Somebody just Tagged us in that Well, Merry Christmas, I know what to get you now Whoever, will you send that to me so I can get it for my husband? Well, you're talking about Christmas, but somebody's
Starting point is 01:35:04 Smurf days right around the corner Don't remind me Because Listeners Your co-secondary mommy Babe Christina is turning 58 In just a couple of weeks
Starting point is 01:35:20 Babe, fuck off So don't forget, put it in your calendars June 18th Happy 58th birthday Christina Don't fucking please, do not say happy birthday Do me a favor Don't say happy birthday Don't tweet me, do not fucking Facebook
Starting point is 01:35:36 Keep it to yourself Here's how a lot of people feel about winning A lot of guys But now that I'm retired and got it going on like Donkey fucking Kong, you know I choose to live on the white sand beaches of South Florida, man Because there ain't no better place in the world
Starting point is 01:35:52 Living right here, dude We got it all, man. When you're on the beach, man I'll tell you what You got It should be a two drink minimum Anywhere you walk in At least, because you're going to get at least that much of a show As soon as you go through the door
Starting point is 01:36:08 Not to try and brag on myself But I'm kind of in retirement right now But I'll nail at least half the women in town They're all pretty good girls Can't live with them, can't live without them God, love them and you can't fucking kill them But love them all
Starting point is 01:36:24 Each and every one Sounds like you're kind of a guy Who is that? Is that Jeron Cole or someone? It's just a cool guy It's a friend? Are you going to hang out with this guy in Vegas or something? It's just a cool guy Just a bro Just one of your buds
Starting point is 01:36:40 One of my boys That's cool Pretty cool Wow, well It's been fun, look at their sleeping together Fifo and Betsy Didn't he say he's going to take off tonight? I'm going to make sure we lock up extra tight
Starting point is 01:36:56 Yeah We should do that He's such a fucking jerk, man He's such a jerk sometimes All I do is love that dog, you know Oh, I know, he gets so much love Yeah, all we do is try It's like, he's just the worst
Starting point is 01:37:14 A song? You want a song to go out? Of course, let's do a ghost crew Dude, I talked to ghost crew I know, we were so excited last night in bed I didn't talk to the whole crew I talked to Chris In Portland
Starting point is 01:37:30 Yeah, those guys are the Fucking best Hopefully we'll be working on something But those guys soon Yeah, they make Amazing music, those guys are great We'll play your favorite ghost crew That's tough
Starting point is 01:37:46 I know, they're all so good Yeah, well, you know, we featured They're like such good songs God damn it Fucking hate this thing What's wrong, baby I'm so sick of this God damn, I hate
Starting point is 01:38:02 Like murdering it? Yeah, I want to murder my eyes Strangle it, like a prostitute What do you hate when you go I'm already signed in, it's like sign in Sign in again, and you're like canceled Do you want to sign in again? It's already signed in I know, how many fucking sign-ins
Starting point is 01:38:18 Yeah, god damn When is the technology? It shows that I'm signed in No, when is the technology Going to be such that it can tell That you're on the same fucking computer You're doing the same fucking thing Well, we had amazing Noem Saiyans
Starting point is 01:38:34 This episode, so let's go out on the ghost crew Noem Saiyan Oh my god, I like that one Send them a tweet at ghost crew Noem Saiyan Chris and Pete, yep, thanks for All the great music guys Noem Saiyan
Starting point is 01:38:50 Thank you guys for listening, don't forget I'm here in Southern California And Denver for Mommy Jeans Phoenix and Calgary For me, and a bunch of other Dates, and thank you for listening We love you guys
Starting point is 01:39:06 We'll see you, see you Saturday Jeans Soon, bye Jeans Noem Saiyan Oh my god Noem Saiyan Like this Noem Saiyan My mom lost
Starting point is 01:39:34 It doesn't mean my ass Noem Saiyan My ass That same French excellence Noem Saiyan, right? He's the mayor of Noem Saiyan He wants to be the mayor Noem Saiyan
Starting point is 01:39:50 Noem Saiyan Like this Noem Saiyan Noem Saiyan My ass Noem Saiyan Right Noem Saiyan
Starting point is 01:40:08 I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry Like this Noem Saiyan I'm sorry

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