Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 295-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura
Episode Date: June 3, 2015You know what I'm saying, we went to Crate And Barrel and really enjoyed all that they have to offer. It's not just a wonderland of white people things, they also have nice toilets. Do we have a new... YKWIS Champ??? LISTEN closely (and count). Plus FEEFO is back and he's talking about his new sister and we have to tell you - he ISN'T happy. We also discover the funny adult actress who blessed us all with the catchphrase of the year last week and we hope you'll help us meet her. Do you like spending a dollar? Do you document it when you do? There's a community for you where people just like bore the s**t out of other people with their purchases. Be the jeans!
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Attention all genes genes calling all denim calling all denim. There's a denim emergency
Location the ice house in Pasadena the date Saturday June 6th the time what 730 730
730
Be there as your two mothers record a live episode of
Your mom's house your mom's house podcast
live
Saturday June 6 off the chains on the second stage guys. Yeah, we're in the the little room which it fills up, so
Fills right the fuck up. I
Haven't even checked on the tickets yet. No, they're too busy this week. Yeah, but get them while you can
We love to see you there. All right, jeans. I love you
Mommy
Like this song it's kind of got it reminds me of goth industrial music. Yeah
Front two for two good
Look I got into it last week a little bit I
Wasn't happy about it, but I had to cancel my Las Vegas show
I will however be going to
Phoenix nope
Phoenix, Arizona. That's not what it's called, babe. Fartnix. Thank you Arizona next Thursday one show only
June 11th at stand-up live. Please come and see me the big-ass room
So I need you all to bring a friend with you. That's a great club. It's a real nice. It is really that club, right?
He did a good job with that. Yeah
No Vegas show, but I'm still flying to Vegas because all my flight
So crazy, that's the knee part is still get to take the trip. I still get to fly there
So I'll be walking around Las Vegas on Friday
the 12th, but then I have two big-ass shows in
Calgary, Alberta, Canada and that is on Saturday the 13th
Coming up shortly thereafter my Calgary shows. I have some really big shows one with my
beloved Tina Jeans. We are doing the
WDVE
Comedy Jam
Well, that's gonna be crazy. Do you Jim Norton's on that? Jim Norton, Michael Che
Christina P. Myself. That's June 26, then
27th Park West
Chicago, Illinois
Really excited my first time. What state? Illinois's correct
It's first time actually playing like proper Chicago
So I'm really excited to do stand up there and the very next day the 28th the crowfoot ballroom in Pontiac, Michigan
Look Detroit, that's the closest I'm gonna get
So please come if you're in Detroit to see me at the crowfoot in Pontiac on Sunday the 28th
I have some other dates that
Coming up
Fartford, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Brooklyn and Boston
Jeans and I are going to Montreal Canada where we're doing podcasts and stand-up shows just for laughs just for laughs
I'm very excited. It's my first time at that festival and we're doing you and I are doing a ton of fucking shows
Tons of shows man. Do fuck ton of fucking shows man
And I added
Lexington, Kentucky
Honolulu, Hawaii
DC St. Louis, Columbia, Missouri
Oklahoma City, Houston and Little Rock are now on sale
TomSegura.com slash shows
Christina Janes is gonna be in Denver, Colorado
at the improv
June 18th, June 19th, June 20th, June 21st
Please come see me. Please make my week fun. Denver is fucking strong, man. Bro, you know, I love you in Denver
It's gonna be hey also. Does anybody um out there
Tape sets. Are you a videographer? Do they still call them that? I think so. Do you want to come and um
Or do they call them a digi? Yeah, I don't know anymore. I'm so old. I need someone to tape my sets
I don't know anybody out there. If you if you would like to speak to me about this email, please your mom's
Your mom's podcast at gmail.com. Send me a note subject line
Subject line of video Denver. Okay
Old-school video tape. I need it on tape. Do you know back you have the cameras that have the VHS that goes into them?
And you can just give her the VHS at the end. Betamax. Do you know that we've been doing stand-up so long
They used to ask you for tape for tape and you said I have I have
tapes with the you know, you put the sticker on it with your cell phone number. Yes
Ten-minute set. Yeah. Yep. You used to have to if you knew you had to go back there
Wouldn't you not to stand up again if you had to do it all over again
The VHS business like if right now they're like, all right
You have the experience, but you got to go back to doing like ten minute sets and submitting them to people
Hey
It's supposed to be the wind down time
At least having fun now, that's true. It's getting better guys
Puppy town is getting better. It's getting better. Listen up
Guys, thank you so much for using our Amazon banner when you do your shopping on Momma's on
Please continue to do so. I recommend you go to our website your mom's housepiedcast.com
Click on that banner and market as your home page like bookmark it. I mean book
Markets, you don't have to remember to do that extra step every single time and please do your shopping as you normally would it really
Really really helps us out. You know if you don't buy t-shirts
Don't do anything like that to support the show if you don't come out to see us live
The least you can do to support your mother's is to do your Amazon shopping for a banner, please. There you go
It's so good Amazon. We just got a new dog crate for the bitzels
because she's been escaping
The crate that we got her the pen the pen rather it doesn't have a top on it then she climbs over it now
Which is terrifying. She's gonna crack her little skull. Do I do this jeans? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah
You know, I believe in God, you know saying hey, I believe in God, you know, I want to believe in something
You know, I can't I know all science and everything is saying there is no God and
They're debunking everything but when I was a kid my mom taught me to believe in believing God, you know
God people just ain't got no hope a lot of people, you know, maybe the new generations won't believe in God
And that'll be everywhere
But the people still dying off for the old generations that still believe in God, you know, they want something that believe in hope
You know what I'm saying? It's like I think it gives old people something to fucking believe in and nobody can ever say for sure
There ain't no God, you know what I'm saying? That's why I choose to believe in
You know saying
This shit is big time
Who is Randy?
Don't bring anyone loving to this
No mom in the fucking stand
Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house
With Don Segura, Don Segura
Christina Pajitzi, Christina Pajitzi
Welcome to your mom's house
You
You
You
James
What was that?
You know what it is?
That's deep bro
No
Summertime
Oh shit
Alright
Hey everybody, it's summertime
I missed this
Summer vacation is here
Gonna ride my bike
Gonna go somewhere
It's my favorite time of year
It's summertime
And isn't it great
It's summertime
When everything's great
See all the birds in the sky
Time to hit the pool
Watch the people pass by
It's my favorite time of year
It's my least favorite time of year
I fucking hate summer
I hate summer more
I fucking hate it growing up here in LA
It's the worst
But you had a worst because you lived in Florida
Dude, I don't know how you did that
It's brutal
I don't know anybody that lives in any of these warm states
Enjoyes summer
South?
Oh my god
Get your life
It's so fucking brutal
It's the worst
You know what I love in that song?
Where he's like
Gonna ride my bike
Gonna go somewhere
Like you can't even think of a destination or song
You lazy fucking lyricist
Because he's dog shit
And his whole family is dog shit
I think it's like the DQ
Can you ride your bike to the DQ?
Yeah, it said something, right?
Yeah
Gonna ride my bike
Gonna go to my friend's house
Like just anywhere
Take a destination, you asshole
Gonna ride my bike
My bike
I'm gonna ride my bike
What you gonna ride, man?
Bike
Dude, could you imagine if that kid
Heard it from that guy
He might shit his little
He would shit all over the place
His little cracker pants
For real
That's why white people suck, man
That is an example of white people suckage
There you go
See, we dish it out to everybody
White people, they definitely suck
White people are the worst
White people?
They're the worst
So lots to catch up on
I mean, first of all
We've got a new crate system
A pen system
We will be rolling out tonight
Because the fucking Houdini of Dogs here
Has gotten out so many dogs
She's really crazy, man
Like, we came home from shooting
How did she fucking do that?
She's on the living room couch
Like, what's up, man?
It does actually really
Hi
It really stands out in my mind
Where I look at that
And I'm amazed at how
The mind develops in such a young animal
Where she was in there
For a couple days
And then
Remember that one time
Where we got home
And she was out
And we're like, what?
Like, after we put her in it
I know
And then we put her back in it
And we watched her
And she crawling with her paws
And flipped over the top of it
And I was like, wow
That's really, really amazing
That it took like a three month old dog
Three days to be like
I can crawl out of this shit
And would fall all the way over it
I mean, it's like three and a half feet tall
So crazy
She's four pounds
Well, she's now almost four months
We've had over three weeks
Can you believe it?
Yeah
She's grown already
Her paws are, her legs are longer
And she's chilled out a lot this week, though, guys
She was like the shittiest dog
The first two weeks
And now she's kind of
She's getting in the rhythm of our rhythm
Which is a lot slower than puppy rhythm
Mm-hmm
You know
Mm-hmm
Torturing Fee
Feef's actually started playing with her
She forces her way into his crate now
Yeah
It's adorable
It's the best
It's really cute
It's the fucking best
Puppy Towns
It's getting better
It gets better, guys
It gets better
Like bullying in high school
Life will get better
She just woke up, yeah
Yeah, I mean
Yeah
Brutal
It was brutal for like a week or two there
Dude
What do we do?
The key is to like
With these little pups
Is you set your rules and boundaries
And they just protest
They whine and cry and fucking cry
And then one day you just broken them
She's, um
It's a triumph of the will, man
She has kind of a dominant personality, too
Yeah
Well, Brussels are very
They're very smart dogs
Yeah
They're very, um
They're not people pleasers
Yeah
You know, they're a terrier family
Yeah, yeah
She's a bit of a cunt
She's a bit of a cunt
Mm-hmm
She really is
Harry Potter
You're in a cunt
You're in a cunt now
You've always been in a cunt
And the only thing that's going to change
Is you're going to become an even bigger cunt
Mm-hmm
And remember that from the Sorcerer's Stone
That was the
That was the thing
Yeah
I think Ron Weasley was saying that
Yep
Also, lots of
Lots of positive feedback on our Steven Seagal
Movie review of Maximum Kickage
A lot of you really took to watching that film on Netflix
If any of you have actually made it through the entire movie
Couple of people did
Couple of people did
Yeah, we got a lot of feedback
How could you make it?
We didn't make it for 7
7 minutes, I think
And we tapped out of Steven Seagal
God
Maximum, Maximum Kickage
What was it really called, Maximum?
Conviction
Conviction
Um
It's fucking amazing
This video has been tweeted
And emailed
300 times, I think in the last
72 hours, and that is
Steven Seagal giving a masterclass
Of Akito in Russia
Where
Yeah, I love your version of him fighting
He can't see what Tom's doing
But Steven Seagal fighting
Is him standing still
And just flailing his arms in front of his stuff
He's getting fatter than shit, too
Especially when he puts on his ghee
You can see that
Floated fucking beer belly
Hanging over it
He's got that
The alcoholic belly
That you talk about
I'm not against any guy
Like, you know, hey, he's 60 something years old
But if you're known
For the discipline that
Martial arts requires
You can't really hang your coat on that anymore
If you're that fucking fat
Hang your ghee on it, no
If that's your gig
That's what you're known for is athletic
Martial arts
My favorite part, that video in Russia
Is like he shows up
And he whoops all kinds of ass
And nobody kicks him
And he doesn't kick anybody, it's all arms
It's all slaps
That's what I said in my special
I watch it every morning, I forgot
No, no, I'm saying to people
If you go watch my special
On YouTube, Steven Segal
And I talk about, this is before that
About how he
When he gives demos
He kicks like
To ankle level
He doesn't move
And somebody tweeted
A great side-by-side photograph
Of any monster
With Segal
No fucking spot on
Dark jet black, nice and easy hair
In a widow's peak
How are you gonna say you got a widow's peak?
We gotta add that
That demo to the site
You bet you, I'm on it
Oh, he's so funny
He is ridiculous
Ridiculous, what a ridiculous man
If you guys have any other
Segal recommendations
And films, let me know
I'd love to further
Investigate his catalog
He's also
He's also a great singer
If you want to just look
I'd love to hear
By the way
Somebody, I think they know as well
Has written in that
Mommy, she got it
She watched the new documentary on Netflix
The Hot Girls Wanted
They said Mommy T will think it's
Hilarious and Mommy C will find
It disturbing and fascinating
I think Netflix
Themselves emailed you
They did, you know that
Computer generated thing that knows your taste
It's like Tom, you like pornography
And degradation
You like exploitation
Fun stories and murder
I don't know if there's a murder in it
There's no murder in it, it's about getting amateur girls
And porn
Alright, that's gonna be our next
Let's watch it next
I'd love to
I don't like the bombers
The hot love
Don't show me a bomber movie
It's like, you like porn
Someone's looking for their daughter
And she's like, come on man
That's like, I can't watch
Anything, nothing about
Cancer, don't fucking show me
A cancer movie, I don't want to know
Your triumph over cancer, please
What a fucking bummer
I know
I know enough people
I've had it twice
It's a bummer, okay
Nobody wants to hear about it
It's not entertaining
It's the worst, I don't know how people watch
Hospital shows
Speaking of that stuff
Let me see you also
Come on, spread that fucking awesome
Oh yeah
Remember this from last week, right?
Of course I do
I don't remember now
I think it was last week
I thought we were supposed to clean this one up today
Sorry?
Were we trying to clean it up a little bit?
No, that's Saturday
Don't you know that motherfucker
You know that motherfucker
So we were like, this girl we really like
This personality
She's got it all
She's got a real panache
We were really amazed that a couple of our listeners
Talk about degenerates
They heard this and they were like
Oh, degenerates
Who that is?
Just on audio alone
Audio alone, they were like
I could tell you who that is
Oh, fucking
You fucking
That's the main
It's not that much to listen to
Yeah
That's right
The lesson, huh?
Oh, shit
Turns out
That's all you needed to hear
Oh, fuck
Oh, shit
Oh, shit
Yeah
So
That's
Diamond Jackson
Diamond has a lot of work out there
Diamond, not like
Oh, shit
Oh, shit
Fuck me with that tongue
Oh, oh
Motherfucker
So anyways
She has a Twitter
Yeah, I just tried to follow her
It's a private Twitter
Isn't that ironic
That she chooses to lock up
Her Twitter account
But she's a porn star for her living
Doesn't seem to lock up her pussy
You know what I'm saying?
What is it? It's Diamond
Diamond Jackson
It's interesting what people choose to be
Private about, eh?
Yeah
Hmm
Yep, she's at Diamond
Wow, she got a really good Twitter handle
Is that right? Just at Diamond
She's got 100,000 followers
But she's following 24,000
Oh, wow
Oh, it's maybe one of those bot things
Yeah, but she's private
Did you send her a request?
I sure did, it's pending
I'm on bated breath waiting to see if she'll accept my friendship
Well, I'm gonna follow her as well
Okay
And I think we should
I think she would be a great guest on this show
I would love to talk to her
I would love to get inside of that
Mind to hers and
Let's talk theory, you know, philosophy
Maybe I'll get around that Z-Bro
Oh, I bet she's got some shit to say
Oh, my bad
Pending, I'm pending too
I bet she's falling asleep staring at me
It's the best
I love when dogs do that when they look at you
Your eyes just
Maybe send
Send a Diamond
A message
You make my pussy talking now
We'd like to get your pussy talking on your mom's house
See what kind of shit you can talk
Pussy talking now
I like that she's good at
She's a yes ander
Whatever's going on
Oh, shit
I know you like that
Toss that salad good
Yeah, so, you know
She's good at that
I like when they talk shit
Oh, fuck
Shit
Oh, damn it
She's entertaining
She's a strong performer
Belly strong performer
We're getting him soon, right?
Yeah, I've been going back and forth with Yoshi
You know, he's been in
Medical Testings for the last few months
Why are you laughing?
Because it's like
Only in our world is that
My friends are amazing
You know what I mean?
It's like
I can't come to your podcast because I'm
undergoing medical testing
I'm volunteering to let them
inject me with
Yeah
And that's normal for us
I cannot wait to ask Yoshi some questions
about this stuff
I'm dying to hear about what he's been testing for
Well, you know, they need to try
the medicines
to make sure that people won't die
So they give them to me and then
if I don't die, it's like, okay, it was a good medicine
Yeah
That's so great
How much would they have to pay you to do that?
Like 100 bucks, something like that
Like 200 bucks
It's not like donating plasma
You're giving them body fluids
but they're putting stuff in you
He's a special, special breed though
That dude's fucking amazing
Did you notice that
our opening clip had a few
You know what I'm saying?
And also like
God and shit, old people
I love it, he's right
He's right about a lot of stuff
You know who that was? No
That's one of the guys
from the
And he's from the insane
Clown Posse
Well, I can't even say his name
Again, it's a fucking joke
There's two guys
and then they're in the insane
Clown Posse
The first time I met this guy
he put me in a figure four leg lock
and made me cry
What do you guys think about now
when people are trying to call
ICP a gang?
That's fucking crazy
At the same time
You know what I mean?
It's like, wow, really, we're that fucking
I have the time
Seriously, when I think about that
I don't want to say, fuck you, we are a gang
Fine, fuck it
You know what I'm saying?
Why even fight it?
Why sit there and demand it?
Fuck you, we're a gang, so what?
One of the few bands that has actually
rose above
just like entertainment level
was submitted by a listener
Yeah, but didn't you used to go to these juggalo things?
You used to go to these, right?
Oh, yeah
You used to go to the juggalo get-together
They call me a double D juggalo
Oh, I got you
What was my nickname?
Music, period
When I read about you, I mean
people hate you guys
But yes, you yourself flatten them out
Because, you know, in the music industry
it's not that big
You know what I'm saying?
We never took any of that shit
We never put some major label that put us down
We don't go out with celebrity
We bang titty dancers
You know what I'm saying?
I like that
That's pretty cool
These guys, they're rappers, right?
Something like that
It reminds me of that one
we played at the Mexican gangbanger in Chicago
When I hooked up with this shit
it was major criminal
Yeah, I didn't even understand what they just said
about the question
I don't understand how it tied
into the question they got
Who the fuck know?
They definitely have a strong following
Then I think you or somebody was saying
that they're a Christian thing now
I don't even remember
We covered them a while back
But then these guys address it
Straight up
You guys have your own subculture
but you also have your own theory
of the universe
and the dark carnival
Why don't you explain that
and your theory of the ICP
theory of the cosmos
That's probably another reason why I look like this is us
Before you started
the big thing going around right now
is that we're like a religious Christian
That's the most ridiculous shit ever
You know what I'm saying?
It's not
Just the fact that they're saying something
like that is awesome
So
They're not, that's the thing
I wanted to be clear about that because
We don't want to sully their reputations
No
They're insane for sure
Do you want to know how much
these guys have sold?
How much?
It's unbelievable
How many albums?
If I had to guess
18 million
Ok, now less
6.5
The duo has earned 2 platinum
and 5 gold albums
6.5 million units
in the United States and Canada as of April
2007
That is fucking cray cray
Violent J
and shaggy 2 dope
That's what I was saying earlier
Those are their names?
Oh ok
I'm sorry I didn't hear them
I knew what I'm talking about
Oh man
Violent J
That's so crazy
That's pretty cool man
I feel like I don't understand it still
I really got to give these guys a good listen
I feel like I'm missing out on something
Yeah
I believe in God
I believe in God
I want to believe in something
that is science and everything
Another thing that you have
that is kind of rare
in music is like Ozzy Osbourne
and Marilyn Manson
People have tried to pin
Violin X
Dame Lee
on the murderer
on you guys for the music
that you've made
It's my response every time
to that man
It's like, if you got
people listening to what you're saying
there's going to be a bad seed in every bunch
You know what I'm saying?
Look at Jack the Ripper
He probably bumped that shit out of Mozart
You know what I'm saying?
Mozart catch flat from Jack the Ripper
stabbing up some prostitutes
You know what I'm saying?
It's a good amount of you know what I'm saying?
But we also have a new submission
to kind of take the crown
Somebody said that
Back in the day
What a wear
You know what I'm saying? Crown
It's not just did you say it
and did you say it a lot
It's did you say it a lot
in a certain amount of time
and that gets lost on people
I feel like people are like
oh you know this guy said
you know I'm saying a lot
and then he said it over like 20 minutes 10 times
It's like that's not
what we're talking about
that's not who we are
We're talking for quantity and quality
Exactly
Beats per minute you know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm saying?
So this is submitted
I haven't listened to it yet
but this person said
they were like hey give this guy a tally
and see if he can hang
Okay let's see what he said
Let's see what happens here
He's trying to
you know was saying
to take a next level
to make sure
our family
get our household's back
the right track
we need our households back
you know what I'm saying?
It's so low
it's all tumor
all it's killing all that
you know what I'm saying
get lighter
don't get it right
that's it man, what's your name again for the people guy?
Swole Money Villain
when he hit 11 in about
15 seconds and by the way
that's how you fucking do it
that's how you play the game
I mean that was almost one you know what I'm saying per second
it's pretty high
that was swole money
really thank you swole money
that was good
all it's killing all that
we need seats
you know what I'm saying
get right with that
that's it man
what's your name again for the people guy?
Swole Money Villain
that's what it is man
see y'all got a lot of positive shit going on
man in the hood
on a different level trying to make it out
it all started we was living in the projects
going to school
okay then the other guy
we're looking for know what I'm saying
not that kind of shit
I like how
you got upset there
this is not what the show is about
we don't need your exposition
don't give me your fucking demo
I want you to know what I'm saying
your demo
I don't want to hear your raps bro
just give me the goods
not doing record deal and shit
yeah
like a trip to Crate and Barrel today
yeah
which you know every now and then
our genes get worn down
and we needed some fun
so to the other day
you were like hey can we do a Crate and Barrel trip
and
just kind of see what's going on in yuppie town
and um
it was a pretty productive trip I'd say
we got some new
glasses
you know what I'm really upset about though
is like
there's got to be a bowl
that I can put in the microwave
that doesn't get hot as fuck
and doesn't require me to
wear oven mitts
when I take the bowl out
why isn't that bowl
talked about more
that you're talking about
I asked the lady at Crate and Barrel if they have it
because I figured that's where
that was creamy
and she looked at me
like no
I mean it depends on what you're putting in it
and I go I don't know it's soup
and she looked at me like I was the dumbest
insane clown posse member
she's ever seen
yeah she was like um well
yeah there's no such thing as a bowl like that
it just depends what's in the bowl
you living in a fancy land
how do they not come up with a bowl
that you can heat up
the contents of
and the bowl itself doesn't burn your
there's got to be a better way
I can't keep doing this
my hands hurt
well I'm serious mind you and I feel like
it's like a it's lame there has to be
a microwavable bowl
that doesn't scorch your paws
when you pull it out of the microwave
that's the bait of my existence because
then what happens is I like to make tomato soup
in the bowl and then I use
our dish towels to
hold it and then I spill the soup all over
the dish towel and then they turn red
and it never comes out
yep
and you know what
we're fucking sick of that
I got white people problems
and you know what kind of tomato soup I eat
what? Campbell's old school tomato soup
and you know what I put on it
craft shaky cheese
you like that craft shake
I love it in
tomato soup
Campbell's what's your favorite soup
do you eat canned soup ever or I don't ever see you doing it
I mean I do when I'm sick
I'll have chicken noodle that's kind of the go to
you like that one
in restaurants I've been getting split peas sometimes
that's a good one
cream of mushroom
I love that one that's a good one
yeah nothing too crazy
yeah
but it's needed cream barrel today because
we had in and out right before
yeah
and what happened at the in and out babe
at the in and out I ate it way too fast
I remember that
and I had a toffee before in and out
and then
we pull up in the
crate and barrel and I said
nah I'm fine
I don't have to shit and then we walked in and I said
I got a shit now
and I just want to reach out to
any crate and barrel listeners
any employees
that you have a fine fine facility
to take a dump in
I took a pee and it was really nice
at the bathroom at the same time
which I should point out is
it's a really neat thing that
a restaurant or excuse me
a store offers is to have
you know the men and women's
room right there close to each other
where a nice couple can go and
release their fluids
so married people do they go to crane barrel
and then they go take a dump together
imagine if we had lived in a different era
like just imagine if we had lived
I don't know 100 years ago
it would be wonderful that would be
you know we always be doing holes
and shitting outside
like in the game of thrones time
no that's a little more than 100 I think
but you know you bathe
like once a month or something
it's more than smells
it's not only smells
even watching that show Mr. Selfridge
you know
Selfridge's I think
they were the first one to build a ladies room
so that women ladies
rather could
relieve themselves out in public because before that
they would go home
think about that for a second
think about that
that was whatever
100
yeah like around 100 years ago
that if you did anything out
and had to go to the bathroom
you went all the way home
sucks
like any social thing you're like I gotta pee
well let's wrap it up we're done for today
that's crazy right
but there are some people
that won't pee or poo in public
ever still
there are I mean they're mentally ill let's be honest
like you should be able to at least
you know
peeps and you know
drop ass
there's things that you should be able to do
like that in public but
it is
but it's nice to be able to take a shit
in public
man I mean I wonder if those ladies were
shitting when the ladies room was at
or just peeing you know
I was just thinking that I was just thinking
that babe you were just thinking that
yeah it's like great minds think alike
yeah it's like
we both thought of it
be a lady in soft fridges in 1915
okay
madame would you like to try on this
dress I'd love to
but first I have to use
the loo
very well I'll be right here
when you're done oh thank you
I've got to take off my corset
and my layers of clothing
and we have a young lady that will listist you
oh thank you yes love
can't even help when I see this
oh
oh
oh I'm so embarrassed
I'm so embarrassed
oh my god
I hope everything is well madame
I hope everything is just fine
in there no thank you I just
released some crumpets in the toilet
we heard quite
a bit of a ruckus in there
could you imagine even
to the bummer of taking off like
layers of those awful clothing
the smells
the smells the smells oh so
selfridges the reason they put the perfume
department we saw that documentary
is because all the horse carriages
the smell of horse shit was right there
so that's why they put the perfume in the front of the store
that's what I'm saying these people lived
I mean you wouldn't know any different but just knowing
how we live now
Christ dude in London people would just
dump trash out of their windows
isn't that how the plague got started like rats
were eating the trash
that people were tossing out of their windows
it was true people
trash buckets of shit and piss
Christ
yeah it's
pretty gnarly
yeah everything sucked there's no
you know there's no time I'd want
to live in other than now
I think now is pretty great
yeah now
and then I think well obviously probably
in a hundred years people will look
back at 2015 and be like
can you believe how the savages lived
those barbarians
actually here's the other decades I would choose
it would have to be 1900s because like
soap, medicine, dental
care I would do 1960s
I think that was pretty cool
it would be a cool decade to live in
only in the United States however
which state
well west coast, obvi, LA
1960 yeah
a lot of bonin, a lot of bonin
that's what I'm saying like a lot of free love
civil rights movement, the women's movement
and then I would do the 80s because there was a lot
of coke and fun in LA
if I could do anything it would be like
1830
Birmingham, Alabama
you know just hang out
just see what's happening there
just walking around
seeing what's
maybe Jackson, Mississippi
just like what are you guys doing today
like that kind of stuff
you want to lemonade
that kind of thing, I think that would be a nice era
horrible
it's pretty bad, yeah
you know I'd take that back
maybe like 19
36, Berlin
just
making my way
just looking for the perfect beer
you know what I mean
just always trying to find a beer
well I was like a booming time
in Berlin you know
the economy was doing great
beer gardens everywhere
that's what I heard
that's what I heard
you heard and that's
that's how same folks
different same struggles
I love that saying and I
I laugh at it to myself every time
like every night I laugh at some point
speaking of that saying
you and I
and Matt Bronger and a bunch of other people
are on true TV
season two
it premiered
tonight
we're doing this Tuesday
so it's on
and it's going to be on
Tuesday nights
10 east coast
7 west coast
there you go
so the next episode airs June 9th
on true TV
7pm west coast
10pm east coast and central
who cares you know
it's really neat
they added segments
it's all Tuesday nights
and it's 10 eastern
9 central
there's going to be 12
airing episodes
and the new season is really cool
try to get like a season pass
and definitely try to see the first
episode again
Christina has a great segment in it
you have your thing too
we both have things
and we're together in a bunch of the stuff too
it's the best
they added some new stuff
they really do a good job
it's really funny
Fitzdogs in it
Al Jackson
a lot of funny people
funny McFartland
yeah McFartland's in that too
there's a bunch of
really funny people on that show
so anyways
definitely check that out
this email came in
jeans of a song somebody made
it looks like
it's for Teddy Loone's
get out of town
let me see if I can
pull this up
it's Teddy Loone's
yo yo yo
it's Teddy Loone's
yo yo yo
it's Teddy Loone's
yo yo yo
it's Teddy Loone's
Who did you hear?
i'm a short big girl girl
who did you hear?
i'm a short big girl girl
who did you hear?
i'm a short big girl girl
who did you hear?
i'm a short big girl girl
They ain't nobody Violence
yeah baby guitar
yeah baby guitar
I know I know
I know
I know
I know
I know
I know
I know
You got a good boy
Men
Men
You got a good boy
Men
Men
You got a good boy
Men
You got a good boy
Men
You got a good boy
Men
You got a good boy
Men
Good job, man. That's a easel
Is that his name?
NYM
Zell NYM
I don't know how to say it
He took that from the prank phone call
That's amazing
Yeah, when Teddy pranked the barbershop
I left a wallet there
Who did you have?
Kind of a short big guy
Kind of a short big guy
A short big girl
You ain't got no fat ones there
Katelyn's is one of the great American heroes
I know there's Katelyn Jenner now
but there's also Teddy
Yeah, I mean, don't you feel like
Teddy hasn't been given his
proper due?
No, I feel like that's a character
He needs the cover of Vanity Fair
He needs to show himself
I bet if the people at that shop
knew about Bruce turning into Katelyn
I bet
the reaction of everyone at that shop
would be like
Man
I think
if you're honest with yourself
most people's reactions are
Man
Like
That's very insensitive
I'm very insensitive
I'm good for him
I don't understand
Obviously
It's a big deal for him
I hate that I have to
fucking deal with it
Why do I have to see the fucking
cover?
Why do I have to think about it?
Jesus
It's kind of forced on you
Yeah, good for you
I get it
The poor man's trapped in a woman's body
is terrible
This is kind of
I think the thing is that this is going to
bring
Those issues have existed for a long time
Now
Him
Coming out with this issue
and going through his transition
It's going to make it
a conversation
Whether you want to hear it or not
He's going to be the champion
of that cause
Obviously, he's volunteered for that
Go for it
Good for him, man
That vanity fair cover
was like
I have a hard time
and I know this is
considered a big faux pas
and I don't mean it like
to be an asshole
but it is kind of like, don't call me
when people are like, I'm not Tom
I'm Jennifer
Sure
Alright
That's like
And then if you don't
you're being
really disrespectful
But everyone's known you as Tom
for the last 47 years
You've been alive
We're supposed to be able to make the switch
I mean, you're supposed to
Which I understand they're like, well that's who I am
now
There's a little bit
of like
I'm Batman
now
You're just saying
that you're different
I get what's happening
You're notifying differently
but you're also just saying
I'm something else now
I'm a different person
People still know you
Yeah
The picture
Sorry, I keep thinking about how
Because on the one hand
he wants to be a lady
Now you're going to get judged
Let's talk about your looks, bitch
That's what it means to be a woman
It sucks
If you're born a white man in America
Like fucking score, bro
Like you're the top of the food chain
Of course it's the best
It's so great
It's like the red carpet rolled out for you and you're like
Nah, I don't want to be CEO of this company
I want to be the janitor
Are there some toilets I can clean
Could you guys push me down a peg or five
Fuck, you know what I'm saying
It just kills me
I know what you're saying
It's
It's so great being a white guy
Of course, you guys are
You run the world
I'm trying to think what you'd have to give me
To give up being a white guy in America
What you'd have to give me
You're top of the food
Anything you want
It's just yours
Because other white guys rule stuff
All you have to do is be like
Hey, other white guy who rules stuff
Can I have this and they're like
Yeah, of course, you're a white guy
And they're all like
It's great
Not only that, but he was like
The ultimate white guy
He's an athlete
An Olympic gold medalist
That's not just an athlete
He was the fucking man
No joke there
It's so upsetting to me that he would
You know how hard I have to work
Just to get half the credit
On stuff that white guys normally get
You know what I'm saying
I'm unbelievable
Do you want to hear his alternate names?
He came up with more than one
Well, I got this on the internet
So she reveals that
Two more names were in the running
Okay, so here's her other alternates
For Caitlin, Heather and Kathy
Heather and Kathy
But when her assistant Ronda
Suggested Caitlin Jenner said
I love that name too
And her mind was all but made up
The only thing left to settle
Was the spelling and with the Jenner
Kardashian penchant
For names beginning with the letter K
It was no easy decision
You know what it is
I think it's that we're treating this
Like it's breaking news
Like it's so important
How did he come up with Caitlin?
Yeah
How did he decide on this
I'm sorry, she decided on
You know it's fucking 20 years ago
This wouldn't be
Headlining breaking news
That some guy cut his dick off
People have been doing this for a while
Some guy cut his dick off
You know what I mean, this wasn't breaking news
It's like, okay, alright
Not that I, like again, good for him
Mazel Tov, enjoy your vagina
Enjoy your vagina
Yeah
Yeah, there's some other things going on in the world
Right, there's
And also, you know
Call me crazy
But hero
In my opinion is reserved for people
Who act selflessly
People
Who rescue people
You know what I mean
Like dig babies out of wells
Yeah, I think the whole thing
For me is that I do think
Living your
Honest truth is probably
The best way to live your life
Yeah
If you have to live in
Any shameful
Secret and live that way for years and years
Or you know, not be who you are
That's horrible, so I commend you
Anyone for
Being true to who they are
I think the idea that like
This is
A bigger story than
Real
Life altering news that's going on in the world
Yeah
Or like
I don't know if it's true or not
They said that he was awarded
Some
Humanitarian thing
You know, for this
For doing this
And
The guy that came in second place
Was a war vet
With missing limbs
That's a hero
That to me is like
That sounds like a hero to me
You lose some limbs
For your country, that's technically
Hero
Is it courageous of him to come out
Like absolutely, courage
Absolutely
Hero, I don't know
I don't know, I reserve that for people
To put their life on the line
Oh, he got the Arthur Ashe Award
That's what he got
Okay, courage, absolutely
Very courageous
You know, because he's getting nailed for it
He has douchebags like me
Saying these things that most people are thinking
Yeah, and they're saying
Noah Galloway
Was the guy
There's a rumor floating around
That Galloway was actually the runner-up
Thanks to
Some writer
But this isn't the case
Okay, so he didn't lose it
It's
I'm just, you know
Reading what people said
I guess
He wasn't the runner-up
They just gave him this award
So anyways
There's a debate whether or not
That award should go to somebody like him
Or this guy
Galloway who lost a leg
And an arm in
I don't know, it doesn't say where
But in Iraq, he lost two limbs
Oh my god, see
And he now competes
In triathlons
And crossfit competitions
With two missing limbs
Wow, wow
Wow, that's heroic
That's pretty...
I think I know how you feel about this
That's pretty amazing, man
Yeah, well, alright
What would you tell Katelyn?
I don't know
I was going to say the pose that she's in
And Vanny Fair is really weird
Her arms and legs are kind of bound
Behind her, it struck me as an odd
She's like 6'3
Oh, is that why they tried to make
Her look more...
I'm just saying it's a big physical body
Right, it was an odd pose
They really
Really touched it up
I think did Annie Leibovitz do the
I think she did the photographs
You know, she looked good
Katelyn looked good
Those are her own nails
That was my favorite dance
You know, I actually do my own nails
Like oh
Oh, you do
Oh, look at you, bougie
Most people aren't even capable of that
I do my own nails too, asshole
Most women do their own nails
Lots of women do their own nails
Welcome to the club
You're going to shave your own legs
Yeah
Those big size 13 tootsies
Would you kiss those tootsies?
I don't think so
See, that's the thing, you can't
You can
But this is
Me being a real
I guess this is an asshole thing to say
But that's a man's foot
Yeah, still is
You can't do your feet, right?
You can do them, but I wouldn't be like
Oh, let me give you a foot rub
See, in my mind
That's Bruce's foot
Still a dude
Still a dude
I wonder how his vagina looks
I don't think he had an operation done
I think he intends to
I know, but you said vagina as if it exists already
I don't think it exists already
Oh, okay
His tits look great, they did a good titty job on him
Yeah
He looks like he has tits
Yeah
It sucks because I think
For the other way around, a woman becoming a man
They don't really have a
You can't really get like a big penis
You kind of get like a smaller penis
Yeah
Which sucks because I imagine if you want to be a dude
You want like a girthy, you know
Oh, yeah
You want a thick fucking cock on you
Wow, you're a real pig
If you were changing, what kind of dick would you want on you?
A big black one
Come on, that's ridiculous
I would
A big black one? Of course
So you think that's a little
First of all
You're just kind of perpetuating a stereotype
Very insensitive
Well, it's insensitive, but it's also just tacky
It's not like
Tacky
Why can't I like big black penises?
You can, but it's also
It would be so alarming for you to have one
I mean, can you be a little more
You know
Dignified about it?
What measurements would you get
On your ding-dong if you were becoming a man?
I don't know, you know, I don't know
I'd have to go on a hand
I'd have to squeeze a few
Like that?
I'm showing you
I don't go by, you're showing me a hole
I need to touch with my own hand
And kind of like
Would you want your middle finger
And your thumb to touch when you held it?
I don't know, sure, okay
You're not going girthy enough
I don't think
I think the idea would be that you hold it like this
That's too big
It's not pleasurable for anybody
Smaller even
Okay, alright
That's good size
That's even kind of big
The first thing you would do though
Is put it in their mouth
That's a really good question
Gosh
You're like Oprah here
Christina, as you're making
Your change to Mark
Mark, you think that's my name?
As you're changing
Into
Omerion
And you have your penis now
Is your first intention
To be to pull that thing
Out and just shove it in someone's mouth?
No, no, I think
I wouldn't go for a mouth first
I would go into a vagina first
Because that's really what I'd be most curious about
How does that feel?
Well, Christina, here we are
At my ranch in Montecito
My pants are coming off
Why don't you shove it right in here
An Oprah snatch?
Wouldn't you love to dump your clip in there?
No, why?
I mean, she's not my dream lady, you know
Yeah, but it's still Oprah
The story, don't you get it?
Nice, I like it, yeah
I would do it right now
Do you have a Frankenpener?
No, I would do Oprah right now
It's Oprah
You'd have sex with Oprah?
100%
Are you being honest?
Yeah, of course
Oprah
Oh, Oprah
Oh, Oprah, come on, it's Oprah
The Oprah story, would you really get mad
if I was like, I just had sex with Oprah?
No, I love her, I love you
I love you both together, you make a nice couple
Well, I'm not gonna update her
You could be her next dead man
But imagine the stories I'd have
from my Oprah sex
Her pants look so big
on a, was it Letterman?
The last, I was watching it
in like a green room somewhere, I looked up and I'm like, Jesus
Oprah's tits are taking over that
the fucking monitor dude
Tits are so big
I actually feel like
sex with Oprah would
be pretty close to this
Oh, yeah
Oh
Oh, would you
beg me with the ball?
Oh, shit
Fuck, yeah
Oh
Oh
God, slam that fucking pussy
Well, you think that's kind of how Oprah does it?
She does not say that stuff
Why not?
You know, my opinion honestly about opops
I think she's so damaged from her childhood
I don't think she's a very sexual person
That could be
I don't think she's very comfortable
A lot of people are not
as sexual as some of us
would think that they are
Yeah
Then by some of us, I mean me
You?
That some people
sex doesn't even play that big a part in their life
Some people are not driven by it
They're not, you know, that
turned on by it, they're not motivated by it
Yeah, some people just are lower
Yeah, lower libido
For sure
This lady here is not that low
No, she's, is that Diamond?
She's real talent, I really like this girl
Diamond slash Oprah, yeah
Diamond
Diamond
Is this Clevver that came in?
Yeah
Okay, here we go
Alright, how's everybody doing?
My name's Kevin
And this is my first
Yankee candle haul
Of course I've always been
a fan of Yankee candles
Of course
However, there was a huge
semi-annual sale this past week
And I just definitely had to go ahead
and take advantage of this sale
The way to see the stuff that I got
and for the price that I paid
it is absolutely unbelievable
So this is a
genre of videos that I didn't even
know existed
on YouTube and that is
look at what I got at the store
Yeah, I've seen
people unwrap packages
like technology things
Electronics I knew about and I kind of get that
they're like there's a new item
It's out this week and you make a video
That's the box that comes in
Here's what it looks like
Here's how you turn it on
Because those are big purchases
Yes, but there's
stuff that's like
Yankee candle had a sale
And
here's
all the candles I got
I love it and I'm so on board because I'm a huge
Yankee candle purchaser and fan
I fucking love Yankee candles
Why don't we see what Kevin got
Alright, first up
we're going to go ahead and talk about
Yankee candle
22 oz, it's a
2014 pour
It's a lemon zest
in a large jar
This candle smells to me like
Lemon obviously, very tart
smelling, also gives off
kind of a candy
lemon smell
And I'm excited to burn it
but the only problem is with this candle
is look at the wick
The wick there is already saturated with wax
which is not typical
Not sure if the
wax or if the wick
has been actually cut already
So this is where I have to go back
but I got some lemon notes in here
I mean this is like
someone talking about the notes
What I'm getting
lemon
Wait, does he mean like
the flavors like the notes
Like wine
Exactly, his nose, he's like
getting some lemon notes
getting southern
I'm getting the
the tannins
the barrel, the oakiness
I'm getting a 2014
Can I tell you something though
His description of the lemon
candle, not very good because he goes
first it's tart
Is it sweet like candy?
Is it sour, is it sweet
Is it really a combination of the two
Kevin?
I'm not buying his distinctions
Kevin, we're ready for the second candle
A little bit of creamy notes
but definitely very tart
It does not smell
like a spick and span
or some sort of a
cleaning product
It's very fresh lemon
but it does have
a vanilla note to it
to some extent
I'm very excited to burn this one
It's got a lot of
wax pockets in it
so it's going to be real fragrant
when it burns
Number one
Not exact
Number two is
hazelnut coffee
which is a 2015
pour
It is with authentic
Yankee fragrance, the 22 ounce
large jar
Look at the marbling on that guys
Very deep
pockets of oil
Marbling like steak
Right away
This is the most
realistic smelling Yankee candle
that I think I've ever smelled
I honestly feel like
I'm putting my nose into
coffee grounds
It's that strong
It's just extremely
I would like this
candle
The coffee hazelnut
I smelled this a bed bath
and beyond
It just smelled like shitty
hazelnut
It was not my favorite
I don't like that negative
turn on a potential candle
in the home
I would rather you ease into
your critique of it
One of the coffee flavored
smelling things
is that they can also smell like
diarrhea to me
Again, we're just piling on
this potentially wonderful smell
and you're now taking it
to a whole other level
not a critique but now an insult
I feel like you're
disrespecting not just that smell
but the candle makers
and all the people involved
with making this candle
The problem with the coffee flavored
anything in this home is that
I will take a shit every time I smell it
because sometimes I just smell the coffee
and I have to make a brim
It's problematic
It'll make me shit every time I light it
Alright
This has got the bubbly wax in it
so it's the regular
Yankee candle wax
and
if you want me to describe it
I think the best way to describe it
is to put coffee grounds
put it right up to your nose real quick
and you actually would know
what this candle smells like
fresh hazelnut coffee
I think this would be a good candle for the morning time
I know some people burn
candles for seasonings
summer, spring
but what about hours
like a morning candle
versus an evening candle
So Kevin nailed it on that one
I really like that you did that
It's just to give you
a different type
of video
but in the same genre
I would say
Hello YouTube friends
This is Ladybug
and I want to share with you
Dollar Tree Hall
Jesus Christ
I went on Mother's Day shopping
I have two sons and they're beautiful
wonderful thoughtful
young men so
I'm ready to do it as I wish
so I went to Dollar Tree
Let me show you please what I have
This is the most depressing shopping
So she's introducing this idea
How long do you think it is, the video
I mean it's the fucking dollar story
It's what I got in the dollar store
You can buy a ton of crap
It's 14 minutes and 40 seconds
And when can you get there?
Wipes, sponges
We're gonna find out
Here we go
13
38
Let's start with these
And what this is
is refills for
soap decanters
So I got two of those
Wow
I also got
some
tissue wrap
to put in gift bags
and things of that sort
See
I was about to say
this is just somebody that's
really bored
Nothing's going on
People who are really bored will
shop a lot
By the way, it doesn't mean
it can be any social economic background
A rich person does it
the same way a poor person does
They just buy different things
Poor people
People that are bored just buy
shit
We've all been there
We just did it today
We did a Creighton barrel
But then I see she also collects
bullshit
I bet you
she has some trauma
Yeah, like hoarder style
Yeah, for sure
There's collectible bullshit
and then I got soap refills
and you're making a video about it
I got hefty
Ziploc bags
I always need those
And then I got two journals
Oh boy
Pretty, isn't it? One in pink
Okay
One in blue
Okay
I will say this
because this is obviously
boring as shit
but she's probably a nice person
Sweet lady
It's all thumbs up on her video
That's all positive comments
Please don't destroy this woman
Stupid fucking bitch
And here's the comments
Great haul
What a great haul
Guess what
Kevin posted on her
Kevin who had the Yankee
What a great haul
Thanks for checking out my Yankee candle haul
I checked yours out too
Thanks for subscribing
Talk to you soon
My cousin Shadi
She would probably get really excited over this too
And then someone wrote
Cool haul
If you'd like to check it out
And then this lady wrote
Thanks, I look forward to viewing your videos
This is all like a community
Would you buy today
That's really great
You got such a great deal on it
I like a deal
I get it
I just don't need to watch her buying soap
Open tissue
There's one here that's
Dollar Tree Halt
It's 17 minutes long
God damn
God damn
I also got
This hot and cold bag
And it's used for
When it's hot here
And you have
So those come three to a pack
So I got the blue ones
And then I got
Some orange ones
I got some
Clear white ones
And the devil
Rich you got a book
And then this book is called
She's the one
So we'll see what that's about
Walter Moseley is a
Very well known writer
And since all I did was shoot my man
Now that should be interesting reading
Not that I advocate violence
But we'll see what it says
I love it
Blackberry Center is like a deep purple
Very pretty
So anyways
If you guys are bored out there
Go watch some
Shopping Hall videos
Dollar Tree Hall
Looks like they have a whole community of people
That post
What they got there
Here's one that's 22 minutes long
I will not keep playing that for you
Can you press pause for a moment
Actually I need to fix this arm again
Okay
Yeah and then
We have
We have this email
Do you want me to read this email about semen taste?
Yeah please
I guess we were talking about it
Hey momies I just wanted to chime in on your argument
About
Whether or not food affects the taste
Of jizz like a previous listener
I too eat
A man juice for easy cleanup
Jesus
I thought it was a woman that ate her man's juices
But this is a guy that eats his own juice
Is that right?
I don't know I'm just reading the email
Oh it's anonymous jeans
I've noticed throughout the years that many things
Effect taste
For years when I was a vegetarian
Yeah he eats his own jizz
Oh my god
My jizz was sweet and not at all bitter
However if I get drunk
I ask food the taste is unbearable
Long story short
Fruits and veggies delicious
Process meats
Terrible
Hope I shed some light on the situation
I think you actually opened up an entirely
Different set of questions
About
You're like I just do it for the easy cleanup
It's a pretty bold move
Right
I don't know if that's easier
Yeah there's this whole thing you can just
You can easily
Sop it up with a sock
Or the dollar store
You can do a haul and you can get a ton of tissue
Ton of tissues and then that could be
A real easy cleanup
To me that doesn't sound very
Easy
Oh my Christ
It's a lot to come
It's a good way of putting that
That's a really
I don't think it could have been
Summarized any better than the way
Right there
So email
Speaking of a lot of people want to know
How Theo is adjusting
Cut down
That's a lot to come
Was that me
Is that what you're trying
It's a lot of people
Inquiring
About Theo's new life
With his sibling
Bitsy
We haven't really gotten him up to the microphone
Because he's been in such a foul mood
For the last three weeks
But I think he's ready to talk
Theo
Come here buddy, do you want to talk
Come here
Hi buddy, how are you
Tired of this shit
Yeah
What's going on today
Today I'm leaving
Leaving
Packing up
What do you mean, why
You're moving
Where are you going to go
I think I might
Go to
Maybe San Jose
Why
What made you decide this
This ain't the type of house for me no more
Is it because of Bitsy
I feel like y'all trying to make me somebody
I'm not
Oh Theo
We love you
I don't give a shit what you think
Or who you love
I'm hardcore
In this bitch you brought in
She's trying to punk me in my own house
Y'all took my knives away
Y'all took my cigarettes away
Y'all took all my shit away
Now I feel like I gotta
I gotta make a statement
I'm sick of y'all
Punkin' me out
I'm sick of this bitch
I'm getting on my head
She crowned in my bed
She eatin' my food
Y'all don't do shit about it
You letting her punk me out
Here's the thing
We are trying to be respectful
Of your space
But at the same time
This dog is part of our family now
And you're going to have to learn to
Get along with her
You're going to have to learn to sniff my asshole
Because I'm leaving
Up in Northern California for the finals
So I'm going to go up there
See what kind of shit I can get into
Proud chop shit up
Take some beds
See what happens
Run a new game up there
I'm out of here
How are you going to get up there? You don't have a car
I'm taking a bus
They're not going to let a dog on the bus
I already got my bag
I bought a ticket earlier today
How?
You went to the bus stop
You were locked up all day
I went out when y'all were out
And then I came back in
Y'all don't even know about the secrets out here
There's different ways in and out of this place
It ain't just a fucking front door
And a back door
Sorry
I didn't realize
Do you not like anything about your new sister?
She's very cute
She's ugly as fuck
Ugly?
She's biting my tail
And she's biting my face
And I try to bite her back
And y'all like nah don't bite her back
Well you're substantially bigger than her
She's only four pounds you're like 14
I'm trying to get some
But y'all took my nuts away
So I can't even get in there
And dig up in them little puppy guts
You probably wouldn't be able to have sex with a puppy anyways
Yeah I probably could if I could still get hard
Okay
You've taken everything from me
You've taken my joy
You've taken my dignity
It seems that you enjoy eating
The puppy's food
I'm trying to maintain
What little bit of manhood I have left
Fifo come on
You mean to tell me you never have fun
I see you guys playing every now and then
That ain't play
I'm putting on a happy face
So y'all think everything's cool and I get the fuck out of here
Okay
You still get to sleep in the bed with us though
Maybe you get to sleep in my bed
Okay
You get to sleep in my bed
Are you going to be teaching bits of your bad habits
I really hope you're not going to smoke or drink in front of her
You know what I did last night
What
I put rocks in her bed
Feef why
Every time I went outside I brought a rock back
And I put it in her bed
Fifo that's terrible
Why would you do that
I tried to bring glass broken glass in
I cut up
But I dropped it
She's so cute and tiny how could you do that
When are you all putting her down
We're not putting her down we're keeping her
I'm trying to put her down every night
Okay
It's not very nice
Please don't kill her we like her
We invested in her emotionally and financially already
Please
Right before I leave tonight
When you'll never see me again
I'm going to put some rocks in her food
And please don't leave Fifo we love you
What can I do to make your life better
You could put it down in the morning
Okay it's not going to happen
Put it down
Next week
It's not going to happen
I'll be real nice up until then if you promise you put it down
It's not going to happen Fufi
It's not going to happen
Um
Do you think you could tell Bitsy to stop eating cat turds
Look
You got what you deserved
You brought in a dumb bitch
And that's what dumb bitches do
You know
They chew cat shit
They chew bubblegum
They fucking stupid
And they let every mother fucking
Doll on the block stick
She's going to be the neighbor
But there's only one way
I decided I will stay
I'm a pimp this bitch out
Okay it's not going to happen
You know she's a hoe
But a hoe who gets paid
Is a hoe that can stay
That's the way I've been doing it since I was
Seven years old
Seven years old I was pimping
Fucking dogs
So now there's going to be a little tax
On the dog dicks that want to run up inside
Oh my god okay
First of all Bitsy is four pounds
She's a tiny Brussels griffon
There's a fucking Rottweiler next door
Those dick weights four pounds
I'm going to tell him it's free
Maybe he'll wreck that shit
You know
I do hope eventually you learn to love
Your new little sister
I hope that you don't pimp her out
To Rottweilers
It's a done deal
She won't even know because I spit games so smooth
Okay
Well you know what
I just hope that she softens your heart
The way she softens ours
And maybe if you cuddle with her
You'll see that she's not so bad
Maybe in your cup that you're drinking out
When you don't look
Thank you Fife
Very nice
Thank you
Why don't you go back in your crate
Don't rest
I think you need a nap
Kiss my ass
Okay
Bye Fife
There he goes
Bye Felicia
You know
He's gotten worse and worse attitude
He's got such a bad attitude
I was hoping that the new dog would kind of give him
A little spunk
A little new lease on life
But he just hates her
Yeah he does
It's got to be tough for
A guy like him to
You know
See go from the only attention
Is him to sharing that
That's got to be tough
He was an only child
I find drugs in his crate
I find
Little empty liquor bottles in there
Oh boy
He is really
I found some marijuana
Half smoked stuff
He's got
Stubs from the race track
The horses
You know you can take the dog out of the ghetto
Yeah
We're just going to have to
Get him into counseling
Speaking of the hood
This video we were going to get to
I think last week
It's pretty fun
Where this guy got to interview drug dealers
In the house
We didn't get into this
You want to hear it? I do
So this guy is
He goes
Into a house where these guys
Sell drugs and they're all
Asks so you can't see them
But they bring up
Some pretty interesting points
Check out what they had to say
Thanks for talking to us guys
I know we're not going to mention who you are
We're not going to say what gang you're affiliated to
But you are gang members
You are a blood gang
Can you tell us how you
How you became members of the gang?
On a set deal
We grew up all our life
On a set
And there was a pressure under you?
There was no pressure
You got to be a leader in this shit
If you ain't no leader
You keep following
That's what's up
How young are you?
All her
Shores of love about
Fidding
Shit the streets is up
That's what's up
The streets going to feed you around her
Shit
Ain't no job without feed
Because there weren't little choices for you then
There wasn't much chance of getting a job
It's a lot of choices out there
I wear my mask like a swear
You smell me
It's a lot of choices out there
You can do a lot of nice things
Positive things
But that ain't what I choose
I choose the streets
It's like if you don't know nobody around her
How much money would be that
This right here
If I'm bagging up and selling
Which I'm not going to bagging up and selling
A quarter ounce of this ale right here
Shit
I'll fucking give it to you
Shit
Fuck it
I'll fucking sell you an ounce for $85
Anybody else wants another ounce?
$125
Learning about the game right there
You follow?
I try a little bit
Does it make sense to you?
No, you know
I mean
I try
What are you talking about?
So you're saying that you're 30 years old
You got a family and you sell
The weed and you said
Water, can you explain
What water is?
Water is PCP
They love it
Take the cigarette out
Take the filter out
You're loosing the squirrel
The motherfuckers ain't gonna show you
This ain't no game
I love how high he is
And how he keeps coughing
You can smell it to make sure that's the real deal
Holyfield, fuck Mike Tyson
I do a smell to you
It's the real deal Holyfield, fuck Mike Tyson
Oh my god
That's weird, you're talking about your friend
Yeah, that's my boy, man
I got beef with St. Louis
Right here
Right here
Right here
Give me the truth
It smells like glue
When you
That's a PCP has a nice smell to it
Take the cigarette in the bottle
The bottle right there
It's fucking nice
PCP
Have you ever done that?
I want to say I smoked it accidentally
or something once
Laced on some kind of cigarette
I'm not sure
I'm not sure
It's all a blur
Wouldn't you like to be able to try every drug
without having the consequences?
Seriously, somebody goes
You're gonna try PCP tonight
It's gonna fuck you up
Nothing bad is gonna happen
Drugs are so scary
Here's what I would like to do
You can do any drug you want
But when you're done, when you don't want to feel high anymore
You can just snap your fingers and you no longer are high
I'm kind of talking about that
I don't want this anymore
But you get to experience it, this is what this feels like
Yeah, but just like a 30 second taste test
You can do it in 30 second increments
And you can try them all
That'd be kind of neat
Which one would you sign up for first?
Heroin
Heroin obviously, that's the biggie
What would you do?
Heroin for sure
I never did Coke, so I always wanted to try Coke
You're kind of a chill dude though
I don't know if that would be your lane
I don't know if you'd want that much energy
You're chill
But see, that's the release
Because I'm so chill
I gotta tell you, whenever I did any kind of upper
It bothered me because it's not your nature
Were you ever snorting lines?
I've tried
Coke?
I'm cool
What'd you think of it?
I don't like it, I don't like drugs
I don't like drugs
Because you're just
It's not me
I did acid more than I did anything
Because I like that idea of the psychedelic thing
I'll tell you, for a marriage
It's the kind of answer you want
If you're out there and you're
You're thinking about marrying some person
And then they're like, drugs is who I am
Think about it
Give you a little pause
I don't like being out of control
And I think
Uppers like crystal and coke and all that stuff
You just feel so
It's just not me, it's out of control
Yeah
Too much pot makes me feel out of control
Sure
You want to know what's also totally out of control?
Yankee Candle Hall
My third one is
Real exciting
This is called Wind Blown
I don't like this
It is from the 2015
It is from the spring collection
I believe
Right away
I have fallen in love with this smell
It does have
It is a fresh
Part of the fresh family
I think he's eating them too
He likes them
He likes the smell, he likes the taste
Hey, I just bought us a Yankee Candle
Did you notice it?
It's called Pink Sands
Oh, no
I fucking love some Yankee Candles
I like their vanilla old school flavor
I do love their holiday scents
God damn, I love their
Cinnamon and then
Their home holiday smells
I like that vanilla smell, I really like it
Dude, there's nothing like a good vanilla candle in your house
Yeah, it's great
How about we get this one last thing here
This is this guy being really mean to porn stars
Yeah, this one's kind of like
It's weird because it's a bummer and it's sad
But I kind of agree with some of the stuff that he says
Which is so mean
Well, it's just, I mean, it's kind of a bummer
And then some of it's pretty funny too
You listen to it and you watch it
You're like, dude, that's not nice
And then you laugh at the next one
Yeah, some of it's too harsh
Yeah, he's definitely an asshole
Yeah
So this guy
I don't know if you remember
Yoshi talked about this guy one time
He did? Yeah, this guy's famous
For this and the rumor
Is that this guy is actually
A multi-millionaire in Orange County
And like he and his brother
Own like a, they're like
General contract or like a builder
Like they, you know, they get
Paid big bucks to build
Homes and
I think commercial properties too
And that this is what he does for fun
Like he's a sick fuck
He's a fucking asshole
Yeah, he films, you know, he's behind the camera
You never see him and he just talks
Ridiculous shit
To
He hates women, obviously
Oh my god, but he also
Hires
Like, you know, pretty
Like these aren't, he doesn't
You don't see any beautiful women
In this, so it's almost like he was like
Send an ugly girl and then he's
Mean to that girl
You're gonna have to bring him up
Exactly
But like some of it
Some of it's too harsh, some of it's on the nose
You're gonna like, you're kind of right about that
You kind of gotta see it
Why are you being so mean?
I like to get in these bitches' heads
Know why they do what they do
Why do you do what you do?
Because I love doing it
No, you don't
Horses don't love their job
And why do you do it?
Because you're stupid
What brings you here today?
To have fun
You know every fucking whore says that
I hate that answer
The shit is not fun
So what type of guys like you?
Like white, black, blind
Esmeralda, that's an ugly name
For an ugly girl
Congratulations
You are the fucking ugliest girl
We are gonna shoot all year
It's January 3rd
They're kind of like roast jokes
That's the part where you're like
Ooh, it's actually
Well structured
That's a well structured
Jab at somebody
But he's brutal to these girls
He's brutal
You can see it in their face
My problem with it is
Bro, obviously you jerk off to these girls
Not to these girls
But to porno girls
Well, they should be your goddesses
You should revere them instead of shit on them
But hey, that's just me
Day 2 into Black History Month
You fucking show up to a porn set
Dressed as a maid
You're uh
You're not really
Up to par
That's a polite way of saying you're beat
Here's what's up
You're beat, you know that
Yeah, she says yeah
Yeah
Why are you here then?
I want to be a veterinary
That's actually pretty noble
I like animals myself
Okay
Not bad
My name is John
John
John what?
John Johnson
A little old to be doing porn, huh?
Still gotta try
No, you don't
Why you doing it?
Gotta make money somehow
How about getting a job?
Maybe a profession
Why this?
Because you're stupid
You stage dive and do all that wild shit
Yeah, I do actually
And people catch you?
You're kinda heavy
Probably takes like half the fucking crowd to catch you, doesn't it?
Jesus
Whatever
Would you go to the salon? Ask for the Cornelius?
Do you even know what he means?
Why that?
You ever see the movie Planet of the Apes?
Oh my shit
And how much do you weigh?
What moves?
135 pounds
135
And then they bust out of scale
This dude is just fucking brutal, man
I don't know why the hatred
He has so much hatred
It's like those serial killers that only murder prostitutes
Because they hate prostitutes
Because their mom was a hooker or something
One of the reasons they do that
Can I tell you?
I didn't realize I was talking to the master
One of the reasons they kill prostitutes
Is that they know
That the authorities
And the public in general
Is not gonna really chase down somebody
As quickly
So you can get away with a lot more of it
And they're usually right
Because the tally on the debt
They'll be like, this is his 43rd victim
So they're pretty right about that
Wasn't there a serial killer whose mother
Was a prostitute and had sex
In front of him with her Johns
And that led him to want to murder prostitutes
I think he actually wanted to murder
Just women
Yeah, I think that was Henry Lee Lucas
Wow, it's like
It's so funny, you have like a Rolodex
So you're like, yes, I know that
Yeah
Henry Lee Lucas, he was murdering me
He was murdering me
Do you have like trading cards for your serial killers?
That's a really rude
We have all their stats and stuff
Kills
I think that's the next step for you
Is that done yet? Serial killer trading cards?
I'm sure
There's a serial killer board game
Somebody just
Tagged us in that
Well, Merry Christmas, I know what to get you now
Whoever, will you send that to me so I can get it for my husband?
Well, you're talking about Christmas, but somebody's
Smurf days right around the corner
Don't remind me
Because
Listeners
Your co-secondary mommy
Babe
Christina is turning 58
In just a couple of weeks
Babe, fuck off
So don't forget, put it in your calendars
June 18th
Happy 58th birthday Christina
Don't fucking please, do not say happy birthday
Do me a favor
Don't say happy birthday
Don't tweet me, do not fucking Facebook
Keep it to yourself
Here's how a lot of people feel about winning
A lot of guys
But now that I'm retired and got it going on like
Donkey fucking Kong, you know
I choose to live on the white sand beaches of
South Florida, man
Because there ain't no better place in the world
Living right here, dude
We got it all, man. When you're on the beach, man
I'll tell you what
You got
It should be a two drink minimum
Anywhere you walk in
At least, because you're going to get at least that much of a show
As soon as you go through the door
Not to try and brag on myself
But
I'm kind of in retirement right now
But I'll nail at least half the women in town
They're all pretty good girls
Can't live with them, can't live without them
God, love them and you can't fucking kill them
But love them all
Each and every one
Sounds like you're kind of a guy
Who is that? Is that Jeron Cole or someone?
It's just a cool guy
It's a friend? Are you going to hang out with this guy in Vegas or something?
It's just a cool guy
Just a bro
Just one of your buds
One of my boys
That's cool
Pretty cool
Wow, well
It's been fun, look at their sleeping together
Fifo and Betsy
Didn't he say he's going to take off tonight?
I'm going to make sure we lock up extra tight
Yeah
We should do that
He's such a fucking jerk, man
He's such a jerk sometimes
All I do is love that dog, you know
Oh, I know, he gets so much love
Yeah, all we do is try
It's like, he's just the worst
A song? You want a song to go out?
Of course, let's do a ghost crew
Dude, I talked to ghost crew
I know, we were so excited last night in bed
I didn't talk to the whole crew
I talked to Chris
In
Portland
Yeah, those guys are the
Fucking best
Hopefully we'll be working on something
But those guys soon
Yeah, they make
Amazing music, those guys are great
We'll play your favorite ghost crew
That's tough
I know, they're all so good
Yeah, well, you know, we featured
They're like such good songs
God damn it
Fucking hate this thing
What's wrong, baby
I'm so sick of this
God damn, I hate
Like murdering it?
Yeah, I want to murder my eyes
Strangle it, like a prostitute
What do you hate when you go
I'm already signed in, it's like sign in
Sign in again, and you're like canceled
Do you want to sign in again? It's already signed in
I know, how many fucking sign-ins
Yeah, god damn
When is the technology?
It shows that I'm signed in
No, when is the technology
Going to be such that it can tell
That you're on the same fucking computer
You're doing the same fucking thing
Well, we had amazing Noem Saiyans
This episode, so let's go out on the ghost crew
Noem Saiyan
Oh my god, I like that one
Send them a tweet at ghost crew
Noem Saiyan
Chris and Pete, yep, thanks for
All the great music guys
Noem Saiyan
Thank you guys for listening, don't forget
I'm here in Southern California
And Denver for
Mommy Jeans
Phoenix and Calgary
For me, and a bunch of other
Dates, and thank you for listening
We love you guys
We'll see you, see you Saturday Jeans
Soon, bye Jeans
Noem Saiyan
Oh my god
Noem Saiyan
Like this
Noem Saiyan
My mom lost
It doesn't mean my ass
Noem Saiyan
My ass
That same French excellence
Noem Saiyan, right?
He's the mayor of Noem Saiyan
He wants to be the mayor
Noem Saiyan
Noem Saiyan
Like this
Noem Saiyan
Noem Saiyan
My ass
Noem Saiyan
Right
Noem Saiyan
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
Like this
Noem Saiyan
I'm sorry