Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 301-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 15, 2015

Do you wear your jeans high? Then this is the place for you.  Sometimes you gotta get so high you feel all out panic. That's not for us but some of you LIVE for that feeling! Tommy had to throw away a box that something came in and it brought up so many difficult feelings that have contributed to his hoarding. Lets explore his past trauma. A lady gets mad at Wells Fargo and says something that, lets just say, might go down as the all time greatest drop in YMH history. KISS IT! Plus we get into some of Tom's new hobbies. Won't you help come up with a performer name for him!?! No Loose Jeans allowed!!

I Had a job Oh Oh So good That one just came in yeah, who was that bad? I don't know it's in the emails So good they covered all the you know I'm saying bases. Yeah, we gotta we gotta credit that though. Yeah You're gonna make me look for that

Sorry It's on your mom's house email your mom's Your mom's podcast at gmail.com is our email if you'd like to write in Why don't I just go ahead and get dates started Tim Tim held Tim held a GLD. Yeah, thank you, Tim What a great number yo It's a big week for the god, you know that it is yeah, I mean I'm Through away a box. That was a big week. That is it. We'll get into that, but Wednesday, I'm in New Brunswick, New Jersey

The stress factory one show My last update there were 15 tickets left. Oh my god Thursday fartford, Connecticut I don't have a ticket update, but that's The funny bone in fartford Manchester actually and then how long are you in fartford? One night one show one Brooklyn on Friday at the bell house sold out Jeans done been sold out for a minute

And the last update I got about the Wilbur theater In Boston Saturday, July 18th was 30 tickets left. Oh my god. It's pretty crazy. So First of all, thank you to everyone that's coming. I'm excited and then the following week My jeans and I are gonna be In the great city of Montreal in Quebec, Canada It's France light. Isn't that what they call it? It's France light and we're gonna be there doing live stand-up shows and A one-time only live your mom's house

That's on the 23rd. I believe at the Hyatt And then on the 26th, I go to Toronto for one night and I do like an hour in Toronto What what are the details on that? Well, that's a thing. It's kind of neat that I don't really have them. Oh, that's good But just Toronto know that she's coming It's like, let me look it up. I'll hold on. Okay, you look that up. I'll continue. I'll keep going I'm not gonna slow this party down They just don't like to tell you an update for the rest of the jeans out there. There's a few tickets left for cops comedy club

Manfran disco That's August 4th Sacramento August 5th and the special August 7th They reopened up all the tick once they hit a certain amount of tickets sold at both shows they opened both up So Seattle you can come to that taping To show seven nine thirty huge huge show for me I hope you can make it there and of course Vancouver is the next day at the Biltmore cabaret

I skipped over the fact that I'm going to one of my favorite cities in the world Portland, Oregon at the end of July I'm doing helium there three nights It's gonna be a blast the 30th the 31st and the first It's gonna be a blast Okay, I'm doing see the thing is I'm doing a bunch of shows at the Montreal Just for laughs festival in the comedy nest like a bunch of shows and then we're doing the podcast. That's right and then I'm doing

It says JFL 42 in July and doing an hour at a place called a comedy bar in Toronto July 26 There it is. So it's that comedy bar comedy bar in Toronto Toronto So now people know now you guys know Harded it really bad. Could you And I had a salsa chips and salsa and I had strawberries. It's all over the map today my diet Hey, you want to know also? It's kind of crazy. It's kind of burn later For my Portland dates Josh Weinstein one of the Funniest dudes I've ever hung out with been around he is a writer director

Do so Do so he was on what is it mystery science theater? Yes, it was a great show writer on freaks and geeks I'm directed a documentary that I'm in when I went to Asia, right? He's doing the weekend with me Oh, shut up. Oh, how fun. Well, that's a talented dude very talented dude Are you guys gonna jerk off in the green room together? I don't know. I mean, we're probably jerk off in a lot of rooms together I wouldn't just limit it to the green room Yeah, so we'll be farting there that whole week That's what we do, you know

Yeah, so Oh There we go Don't bring anyone loving to this And Christina Oh That's my favorite ever now man who says that it's such a unique way to put that I've never heard that I

Have never heard anybody say kiss my pussy. I've just those combination of words put together an English language never She's a genius. This is brilliant. She's a brilliant person. Who is this person? We need to find her lady at a bank who? Now something tells me and I'm not a detective but something tells me She's saying that I can I can deduce from what she's saying that they're claiming she has $40 and she's saying I had half a million and I think she's lying. I don't think I don't know why you don't think she has $500,000 in the bank. I don't know why I need a quack of it bitch, and I'll be back. I want my god. Yeah She goes you Bank of America. Yeah, she says you Bank of America you Chinese mother fucker

Mother fucker. She's in Wells Fargo. She's not even in Bangalore Kiss my pussy kiss it. I would that's the best. Oh someone says here that this is a That this is in Long Beach. Oh shit. Yeah, okay? Dude, how come I never when I go to Wells Fargo. It's never this exciting Man, how come my trips to the bank this cool stuff never happens. I know man Banks I mean banks Are unique plate like Whenever something is like super official like that type of environment. That's when shit, you know

That's the post office. Yeah, and I love that he has the authority to not get her rehired He's gonna be there for her review. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, that guy Kiss my pussy. I can't tell you how How ear-to-ear my smiles would have been for four weeks if I'd been in that bank Yeah, when I heard kiss my pussy my pussy I Gotta start saying that from now on And I make t-shirt to say kiss my pussy actually we should make teachers. Yes. They kiss it

Kiss it kiss my pussy cuz kiss it if you put kiss it people will know I got half a million dollars in this bank Or 40 It's either or half a million or speaking of we have high and tight t-shirts just a quick yes Those are amazing. All I'm saying is go to the site and check them out. See if you like them They're pretty fucking dope high and tight for the summertime Your mom's house podcast calm. They're blue and green and they're awesome. They're great colors. Let's see if I didn't finish Do they escort her out of here or anything? I don't know

I got a million dollars You what holy shit Did I hear big words big words Elise is that what she said Uh, man, please big words in a bank. Yeah Let's see You got my goddamn money, I told you somebody just stole my I need my Seven I got a million dollars have a million this motherfucker What big words wow you what you what you what what what does she say you what

Mother fuck you Don't understand. What do you mean? You can I don't hear it, right? Oh This guy I mean you could tell that he thought probably for a second like I'm just gonna escort this person out of there And then when she she took it to another level he he's like, okay, I was good Wonder what they she's gotta get her half a million back. This is or a million She said she had a million too, but did you notice that she said a million then she was like, oh, no I remember what I had it's half guys. Yeah, let's be realistic

I You know, there's a guy on here the guy who posted this We should contact the guy that posted this to ask him for more details. I'd love to yeah What a lucky day for him I know That's really a man, that's one of the most amazing that's a maze. Yeah, what is also Two large penises in my vagina in what you call rectum to jasmine

Kissing my pussy Had had you come kiss my pussy, how do you call my pussy? That also is a maze. Hey, somebody told me that let's get social they finally disabled the comments. No But I think it was like super mom-ified. Oh It was all like jeans jeans high Hi and tight Social they disabled so shall that's too bad. Yeah Well, we took over, you know, once the mommy's get a hold of something. It's it's unstoppable. Totally

I don't know if that's just up there. What is it also a maze? I didn't put this up All right, have we done What's so funny, I don't understand why you're laughing What part of that's the funniest this sounds like it's suffering Haha, it's funny That makes you laugh the hardest when someone Oh Man, okay, that was good. So we're in the office. We've unpacked all of our boxes. Like I said, we got

Blue bands out here. We got our all the only thing left is the artwork. We've got Gigi Allen bobbleheads. Yeah Some Theo stuff, but we have to unpack a ton of fan art. We still don't have it. Yeah, that's coming along We're almost we're almost done. You get a couple things reframed. Yeah We broke one one thing broke on the move some glass some glass broke But I'm super proud of you jeans you Yesterday you got some earbuds in the mail. Yeah, ma'am's on Yeah, I didn't get those in the mail. Oh, you didn't I bought them in a store. Oh The boxes was in the trash that you know that it's like the packaging box

Okay So you open up these headphones? Yeah, and then I said, why don't you throw the box away and how did that make you feel? Yeah, it made me feel I Made me feel anxious I Didn't like it On a scale of one to ten

Describe your anxiety. Well, you know, it was building throughout the day and When you asked me to throw it out, you know I don't I like keeping my boxes Yeah, so it made me very Uncomfortable that you wanted to throw them out, but You know, I faced it and then I threw it out and then what happened, of course is that I threw it out when you asked me to and then You know, I I I basically

Needed the box. Oh, no, you have to return them I gotta return them and that's that's pretty upsetting. Isn't it that the one time you actually threw the box what you needed it? I needed it. Yeah, are you angry with me? I mean, it's kind of my point is that I need my boxes and then I show I threw it away like you said to and now I need the box. I understand Tom. I Understand on a scale of one to ten. How angry are you with me? I get 15. Okay Oh

So this used to be my old one No one's been in here for 10 plus years, maybe I Haven't even said foot in here There's an old guitar I used to play with when I was a kid sure Bunch of old books there's the closet's full of my father's old military stuff Stuff just gets thrown in here. I mean, this is basically storage space now We have storage. Yeah

My favorite on orders is that is the craziest to me is is when It's just trash. Yeah Oh, literally. Oh, my favorite is when they when they stop using the toilet and they They just shit right like doesn't doesn't like they don't flush it anymore They just shit in it around it. They wiped it through the toilet Around the toilet. Yeah, why doesn't it work anymore? I forget oh because the water gets shut off because they don't pay the bill and The toilet doesn't work and they shit in a bag near the toilet

And they're still like what? That's my favorite in the house reeks of feces and urine Mm-hmm And my also my favorite was when the lady was an animal hoarder and they found 17 cat carcasses Harkin she was like what I thought that Simon was in the other room No, I'm gonna be dead for a while You got some gloves So gross

It's like his friend this guy's friend. It's a real friend by the way I went underneath like eight layers of dishes Think of that one can He was shocked just seeing it inside of the house for the first time the spider where it's a big spider That's not a big spider for this house. That's not a big spider That's too big Actually kind of surprised me when we were collecting the cans because I didn't think he could handle it Just the whole shock the condition of the house. Yeah, you got a lot of flasks have probably been there since I was in high school

Did you imagine having a friend like that? Like you think you know them and then you go to their house And they're like I'm what crazy you go to their house and then you're their ex-friends, you know, yeah I was embarrassed at first but after a while it was be the greatest sense of belief knowing that you know the secret that I had My mom saying that I'll judge them. I don't know once you get in there It's so disgusting What if what if your friend yeah, if your friend was like will you help me clean this like no, we're not friends anymore You gotta get the one of the thing that we're gonna do is focus on your new friends from now on You gotta be a real friend to clean up some hoarder's house dude. Yeah, I would be like later, bros

I want to hire somebody please Hire someone glad you came. Are you ready? Are you ready? No? Come on in Like I like the reaction for people first watching careful There's dog shit everywhere There's carcasses when they cry when they cry when they see the house When's the last time you used it the bathroom this is this is our working bathroom How do you use the bathroom? It's very short

And you don't wash your hands Where do you go to wash your hands on our upstairs bathroom? So this one the toilet works and then you go upstairs to wash your hands and use the shower and use the shower Get it. Duh much worse than I expected. I had no clue that it would be that bad the smell especially Oh That always got me tickled is when the the toilet was not in use Yeah, at least he uses the toilet a lot of them don't a lot of them give up on it

Can they also don't pay the electricity bill or it's crawling with roaches That's my favorite when they're sleeping in the roaches and the rats crawling What's wrong with you man? What's wrong with y'all that is really that should be played to every hoarder. Yeah, like it that should be their alarm clock every morning Every morning every morning if you're a hoarder Your your alarm clock should just be the preacher yelling at you Because you deserve it you absolutely deserve it, and I know they're always like the psychology of this Good morning

I Always I fucking hated about that show is how delicate the therapists were With the horn and I know there's a reason for it Of course the whole time you're like just please somebody I'm sure punch that person. Yeah, just smack him like sometimes you need some tough love Yeah, you need to be like look at yourself look at look at what you're doing You can't even take a shit in your own toilet. We were watching one this week where the lady goes and She goes, I don't know and they totally disconnect. They're like

Hopefully we can fix it and like just totally nonchalant like almost like I thought you were gonna paint the fence Yeah, like I just haven't gotten to it yet, but you know maybe this week we will Sylvester yeah, let's stay shut down because there's always some kind of trauma that led to that behavior Like well my dad died and I never dealt with a grief and I started collecting pins Yep, and then ten years later the house is an avalanche of pins. Yeah pretty cool instead of just you know Feeling feelings. That's what happens. You don't feel your feelings the craziest for me the thing that I always go like wow is the trash You know like papers You know collectible stuff is like but yeah food and trash is like yeah

It's wrong with you. Yeah, what's wrong with y'all? I mean I gotta tell you now, you know We got this dog bitsy from the breeder and bitsy was trained on these potty patches Which is great in the beginning when the dog is so small that dog peed every you know five minutes It's like to try to potty train her in the very beginning is almost impossible Yeah, but knowing that the dog was peeing and shitting in our house is it's so menacing to me now like now We're fully converting her to outdoor But it's so great like you know just just knowing that our dog does that could you imagine living in your own shit and Other like 10 15 20 animals goddamn crazy crazy nasty nasty motherfuckers

Nasty, you know nasty as shit Nasty motherfucking man. All I want to do is eat Carl's Jr. Every fucking day Really every day all I want to eat is a western bacon cheeseburger and an order of onion rings to go with it With extra barbecue sauce on it. Oh shit That's your favorite, huh? Oh my god. The kid wants it the kid wants it. I Can feel our son is telling me to eat it, but I can't eat it every day. Yeah, you can. I'll weigh 3,000 pounds Oh, are you playing the commercial you son of a bitch? Oh

It's good You love it You know, I'm not a fan of barbecue sauce on a burger. Yeah, so that thing's never appealed to me, babe But have you tried the Western bacon? I have I have I think I tried it with you It's the bacon and oh god damn get your life and the onion rings on the burger. I know But I can't do it every day right because I'll end up like man. Oh, you can't do it every day But you also don't do it every day. I don't but I want to it's so I looked it up the the bacon cheeseburger It's like 700 calories normal

And then if I get the onion rings, too, that's like another you know 500 That's a healthy at meal 1200 calories for one meal Yeah, if you have four or five a week, that's not that much For yeah, and then what do I have for dinner? I go back for dinner and I get I get uh, I don't even know what I don't even know what they have for otherwise dinner You can have more, you know, you can have a second one a couple. It's two for five. That's the commercial Right. So why don't you have one one at lunch and two for dinner? Sure, you know, so I spend 10 dollars and I eat a

But the thing when you're doing three of the four cheeseburgers give yourself credit on that first one at lunch You're only eating one of the burgers. You're giving the other one away Okay, but then at night I get to eat you get the two And then go to bed straight to sleep straight to bed Yeah, I napped straight after eating today and slept for two and a half hours That's what they say is the best to do though. Yeah It helps put Muscle on your body, right?

That was muscle. Yeah We talked about the sacrifice That I made for just for our listeners What's that I left the fights today to do this show because I'm hitting the road this week Well, who was fighting today? It's UFC Conor McGregor Mendes is uh Is gonna they're about to go in the ring. I think Are you sad? No, I'm just saying that this is how we prioritize our show

We I flew back Missed the fights because I'm gonna be leaving to go to the east coast and we wouldn't have time to record If I didn't fly back in time That's nice. What about me? I thought you came back because you missed me and you love me and of course not really No, of course. Well guys tweet tom. Let him know Let him know and you appreciate his coming back from Las Vegas and you love Vegas Vegas is my second home. You know, I have a property there, right? I have a home in Las Vegas. Where's your home? Well, it's my home. Didn't you buy Liberace's old place?

You're a huge fan. Um, I wasn't gay. No, I know he wasn't gay. I wouldn't be a fan if he was gay Um, I have some of the things from his home. I don't like I have some Some of his robes. I have some of his pianos and I have like, you know Clothes and paintings candleabras. Yeah, he was a huge fan of those. How great was that movie? My favorite is when he makes um, his partner get plastic surgery to look like a younger version of himself. Yeah, that's really amazing You know what um, I'm gonna do that to you about that movie reminds me of you. What the snoring Because Your pregnant genes. Yeah are snoring genes. Yeah

You have started snoring. Good. I'm glad. You know why why because I've been listening to you for 10 years And it's called payback, bitch. You can you can what does she say lick my pussy? No, kiss my kiss my pussy because It's about time First of all It's a really rude thing to say to your beloved husband. I've had to sleep with earplugs for the last 10 years Kiss it kiss it. I've had to sleep with earplugs For the last 10 years. This is it's about time

Yeah, and my farts are horrendous pregnancy farts Yeah, I know that too and I'm so excited that you get to smell those as well. I recorded you the other night No, you didn't. Yes, I did. No, you didn't. I absolutely did. I recorded you with my phone This is you That is not me. Yes, it is This is not me. That's you snoring Yes Because you know why your pregnancy genes also make um

Like phlegm phlemy genes And you know You get my sinuses It's you it's a symptom you get you get your nose stuffy for some reason You snore like a real loud dog. Good. I'm glad I do it on purpose Isn't that crazy? What do you do when I snore? Do you hit me? No, because what happens is typically you do this thing where It happens pretty quick

And sometimes you it just kind of fades Um, but it's like if you go to bed and I hear it and I'm trying to sleep I'll just put butt plugs in Well, that'd be funny if we both really wore butt plugs instead of earplugs And we're like, no, it's butt plugs. I put these in because it relaxes you helps you sleep Yeah, hey, thanks for leaving out that vibrator next to the bed for the cleaning lady got to see that again What are you talking about? It's right by it's by your vibrator that one that I bought that wacky one It's in the box. It's it's still a vibrator. It looks nothing like a vibrator

She'd have to open it shove it in her pussy and figure out that it's a vibrator. I doubt that she's not retarded, babe There's no way she recognized the box is crazy. Nothing sexual is on the box. It's like some crazy artistic Design it's all swirls and shit. It doesn't say shove this in your pussy Yeah It doesn't still can you do you think you could put it out of view of the housekeeper? Uh, here's what I think you can do Okay, kiss my pussy. Yeah Babe, yes

What just please put it away No, I want to I'm gonna try that out tonight. It's like crazy. I don't know what possessed me to get that one Looks fun. It looks like a hot dog cut in half. Yeah, it does. I'm gonna put it in my pussy The guy that sold it to me was like this weird gay guy and he's like So you can put one in your one of these in your vagina one in your rectum I was like, nope Didn't you tell me you're like, you know, maybe have you don't know what women how women think like not at all No, he doesn't know first of all

No, they shouldn't have dudes working in dildo shops that women frequent if it's like a gay dildo shop Absolutely, but it's for mostly, you know, it's a hetero oriented place that I go to it and um Yeah, the guy is like a creeper. He's such a creeper. He's like you put this in your rectum and this one How do you say his balls? How do you say? right, right He's just he's not a good salesperson. He creeps me out You need a lady to tell other ladies about dildos and stuff. It's not it's not cute. It's not hot

How do you say how do you say rectum rectum? What's she doing? I wish we were friends with her came in came in I like that she pluralizes things that shouldn't be pluralized. She's like I buy one-way tickets From thailand when I when and then she says her name to when kailand was 16 years old. Oh, right Yeah, I like the idea that she's into adventure, you know, she's also got two master's degrees right? She's totally satisfied me It's hoony if you wish to know about my life. Yeah, Kim Ann was born and raised in thailand and I saw his

ability to Teach she's ridiculous. I liked her music too in the background screen. I wish they didn't have the music I like it. I think it adds I think you don't like it. No, well for because for what I like to do and and like isolating audio Oh, sure Plays on that like I'd like to have it just Just her. Yeah

Kim Ann enjoy that more Came in came in came in you say adventure. It's an event. How do you say? I like this still of her stuck in her finger. It's so gross Can guys tell the difference when a girl's faking sexuality Because that's a fake when she's some yes and some no She like licks her she puts her finger in her mouth like oh this a good part of it is intelligence The part of it is like an intuit like, you know, some people are just oblivious. So They take what you say as

The thing that you mean, you know, yeah, so dudes buy into it that she was like, oh, I really like to back down Did you like to by the way the questioning? I don't know why i'm changing topics But the questioning of the lady in the parking lot you work on saturdays. Yeah, I was weird, right? Like what what you care? Yeah, don't worry about what i'm working on working on saturday. I gotta work on a saturday. You know what i'm saying? I'll have to answer you and then i felt like just being like Yeah, we met another tenant here in the building and she was like you guys work on saturdays Oh on saturdays On saturdays. Well, so do you bitch because you're here too. You're here, too

Would you kiss my pussy then? Yeah, seriously? I hate when people talk to us ask questions Yeah, leave us alone. Yeah, I feel like saying Leave us the fuck alone Hey, didn't you talk to um, who are you talking to about getting high? and uh Getting too high and panicking, but then they enjoy that panic. Yes I was telling him that the reason that I don't like

Really strong edibles or even really strong pot is just I don't you know, I get that feeling of uh of panic And like i'm having a heart attack and I feel like scared I'm gonna die and I just don't like that feeling because I get that feeling too And I just go right back to it every time Like he likes the panic. Yeah, I thought it was like Oh, you don't get that because your tolerance is crazy and he was like, oh no 100% get it. He still gets the panic They all do this the other thing. I was talking to other fucking super stoner friends of mine I was like, yeah, but you know, I get this panic and they're like, yeah, I get it too. It's a fun part

Yeah, they totally like it That's um, who's I was talking to amber tozer on that's deep bro about alcoholism and uh, and she's like, well How do you stop drinking after two drinks and I go because I don't like to feel out of control I don't I get all panicky and weird. I get paranoid and convinced. I'm gonna barf and stuff She's like, oh, yeah, I don't have that mechanism. That's you know, that's why I stopped drinking because I just I keep going But does she still she feels that and just doesn't act on it or she doesn't ever feel it She doesn't I don't think she feels it like she likes feeling Crickering out of control, which is the total opposite. I hate it

Yeah Yeah, you know when you're feeling at that like when you're drinking most people I guess non-alcoholics we go like Oh, I feel myself losing control right now a little bit. You know, yeah That's why I was talking. Yeah, also why I don't I mean, I was I'm pregnant now But why I didn't smoke like a ton of pot Because I don't like feeling like my heart's racing. That's what I'm saying I like real mild

Highs from me too, you know, like half a drag Yeah, and then just fucking space out and kind of do your thing It just feels like okay cool, but like that It's never good thoughts you get, you know, no really ultra self-critical I don't like it man Every time I ever did a drug like in high school or college. It's the same thing Yeah, you just get I used to get super high and scared And then the whole time you're just praying to be normal again

I think that's why I never cultivated a good drug habit because that's all it was for me It was like I'm too high. I don't like this. I don't like this And then if I get sober again, I'll never do this again I used to have those when I got really you never get drunk and then smoke weed. It's the worst It's the worst so fucked up. So I remember when I would get to bed because the whole thing was to get to bed And a whole room is spinning I feel so crazy fucked up that I would be in in bed and go just let me die Just let me die

And I or I'd be like, um, I'm never ever again. This is the last time I'll ever touch anything because I'm so freaked out by And telling my I remember that that was always in college. I was like never. I mean, this is the last time ever until next week till next week Yeah, that was the that's what you learn in college by the way is to not Get drunk and then when you're drunk except a joint. That's fucking a little worse if I had never if I had never OD'd I'm sure what I got in my wake wake crazy over drugs. Yeah Thank god, huh? OD and living is a good

scare tactic for drugs Because I still I'd never you know, I had not tried Coke but I was never really didn't have a strong desire for it and I didn't try I wasn't I never thought I would put anything in my nose or a needle or anything But I probably would have smoked more crazy shit, you know, but all that shit makes you panic That's what all that is. It's like panic panic panic, but I probably would have taken crazy pills If I had found got into like oxy or something, you know, like a super high Sure pill. I probably would have gotten into that. Yeah, because even on painkillers

Um, I remember I last time I took percocet for something legitimate um You know, it slows down your heart so much Like I was laying in bed and you just feel like oh my god, like I can't breathe like I'm Like you You know, you forget like when you get too high I'm hot and you forget to breathe. You ever had that? Who was that was that Henry the guy that smoked crack where he just liked to look out of his peephole

That was the fun of Henry the driver. Yeah Who I talked about in my special is a real good people ask sometimes like Do you just make that up? It's like no this guy Henry the driver Used to pick us both up and take us to the airport for our all our runs, you know for travel and One day I get in the car. He's always like sir sir sir And one day he offers me pot

And I say sure and all like all the sir Driver stuff ends and he just opens up immediately And from then on talks about how he likes to fuck those little brown girls said And I I didn't even know what that meant at first and then it was like oh our neighborhood was super el salvadorian And he would just pull up and he's like look at that one right there and he was like 70 and I was like Jesus and then talked about getting arrested Doing heroin doing coke every once in a while and then crack was the best And he really told he said, you know, I liked

That freak out and staring at the people And thinking like what the fuck's gonna happen and for him, you know Now that we're talking about like that panic with weed and like how could you like that? He loved that crack panic Panic, yeah He said, you know like only every once in a while does he do the hardcore drugs Yeah, he offered me weed once when he drove me To the airport at like six in the morning. I'm like, no, that's that's all right, bro crazy

Absolutely crazy smoked weed He smoked um, he was the guy that smoked to maintain So he smoked weed all day, but like lots and really strong shit And he would he would dry and that's the other thing is that like he would drive us super high as shit Yeah, he's old as shit too. We never stopped using him until the day he flaked. Remember he flaked Yeah, why didn't we just stop using that guy? That's the stupid part because we're retards No, I trust that old ass man drug addict crack

To drive me and my wife to the airport all the time and I know what we thinking and then for a while we got on gypsy cabs Remember we found the korean cab. That was cool. That's because we went out one night with matt bronger Yeah, and cara to uh, karaoke karaoke in korea town And we were like fuck as we've been drink. We've both been drinking How are we gonna get home? And we didn't live that far from there and this guy in like a lexus is sitting there. He's like need to ride home You know, where do you live? He's like, oh, yeah, I'll be like 20 bucks and we're like, oh, okay

And then he gives us this card and he's like just anytime I go. Do you go to airport? Yeah And then he's like they don't speak that great english when you call no shit It ended up being like We would call and they got it would be guys that spoke Three words of english remember and try to say yeah, but it was super cheap. That's why we liked it I would have kept doing it forever except I had no confidence that they would be there Well, what happened to me one time is that I woke up For like a 6 a.m. Flight. Mm-hmm got my ass out of bed at 4 30 in the morning

Which is what you do and I'm like, where's the guy it's 4 in the morning Where's the guy and I call and he's like you want? Oh, I I I'm supposed to be a lax He thought I meant he needs to be at lax at 4 30 in the morning Which by the way flights don't come in At 4 in the morning no idiot and he's like, well come to you take about 30 minutes. I go. I don't have That kind of time so I had to panically get in my car go to long-term parking. It was a nightmare I have a note. I surely heard my voice in conversation

For nearly three years now for you know, so what did you do get your call of cabs? No, I got into my car and I drove you drove yourself to long-term parking Because then who knows how long it takes for the fucking cab to show up Yeah, I just did a nightmare. I parked at the airport for the overnight It's the best the best dude for a short term. Yes. Yeah, it's the best Walk out of that terminal to right there 30 bucks I hate fucking waiting for people to pick me up I know and I see you know, we use that guy all the time who we use and um

The worst part is the wait for him too. It sucks. I know but there's no other way There is other ways. What's he supposed to do wait in the terminal? There's all kinds of drivers. Then you have to walk to his car from fucking baggage claim with your shit I'd rather do that or not do that. Oh, I'd rather do that. Yeah, then have him do that Yeah, this is it's really bothering me the waiting Well, it's just because you're so anxious like you've been sitting on a fucking plane Yeah, I know but then like I mean we're paying and then it's Hey, I'm I'm ready. Okay, cool. And then you wait 25 minutes at the curb. No, it's fucking horrible

I'm done. I'm I'm gonna call somebody else. Wow. Yeah, are you serious? Yeah, I'm gonna call somebody else I mean, there's there's guys there's drivers now that meet you at the gate. Do you know that? Yeah, the driver meets you at the gate So you walk off the plane and the driver's there and then he ushers you to the car. Yeah That's that's nice. If you're in a foreign city, you can get a special permit Um, the drivers can to park at the curb Get your life. Wow. We got to look into this then. Maybe it's time to step up our car game Yeah

That our guy is nice at least he's the nicest Can I tell you something though? It's hard to find a normal person who drives a car Because nine times out of 10 the guy's chatting your fucking ear off at five in the morning when you just want to shut up Or he's eating some stinky ass food Or his car smells like a bar. I'm gonna look into this or his you know what I mean? They're always weirdos It's very rare that you get a guy who shows up on time. That's another thing Most of the time these guys don't show up on time. They're late. I'm gonna look into this It's hard to find reliable

Uh drivers, isn't that weird? All I gotta do is show up and fucking drive you somewhere and shut up And it's the hardest thing to find someone who just knows how to do that. Yeah, it's unbelievable No Yeah, I think I gotta take a dump That's why you're kind of spaced, huh? Yeah, I gotta take a dump Elagitated. Yeah, like a fussy toddler. I can tell I need my diet. I changed. Okay. Go change your diet day. Okay I Back how was it?

It wasn't great. Let's talk about it Mmm kind of slow You know like what do you mean slow to come out or slow to slow Brewing, you know sloppy sloppy not like loot not like a farting like that just kind of

Ooze oozy a little bit. What number is it on the stool chart? Um I would say it's like probably like a probably like a five but just like not great Pieces it didn't smell good. It smelled bad. What do you think? Um caused that let's let's pay a little um Detective work here. Um, I mean, I'm not an expert, but I would say I had Uh Yesterday I had a piece of salmon

Uh-huh a big salad. Oh yesterday. Yeah, so now you're paying. I had three meal. I had three dinners yesterday Okay, a piece of or I had a lunch in two dinners. Mm-hmm salmon and salad for lunch dinner I had just a piece of meat Just meat no sides. No sides. Well, you know what meat does to your guts, right? It makes your farts and your brown smell bad. Yeah, and that that piece of meat was like at 5 36 p.m. Okay, and then at 2 a.m. We had

We went to out to eat again after the shows. Okay, and I had a couple beers Well, what did you eat after shows? I like how you're skipping that really important detail. I mean tuna tartare. Oh for fuck's sake. Well then, uh And I mean I had some uh rigatoni with uh Fennel sausage sure and but I think the beers are really what oh, it's the beer. It's not the raw tuna Or the sausage rigatoni at 2 in the morning But see I thought those hit me this morning. I took I took a little I took the same kind of shitty shit this morning at the airport

So then But this is part two. This is part two of that You took a shit at the airport. Yeah, I wasn't gonna get on the plane with that Yeah How was it at the airport? I hate shitting at the airport. Oh the worst the smells were unbelievable the sounds for me It's the smells. I mean walking in there Oh, it was just brutal absolutely brutal see women don't

Usually just drop ass Except in the airport women do Remember we were at our restaurant and I heard a woman installed next to me just fully ripping and farting. Yeah I came out. I was like, babe. It was Fully dropping it. Didn't you say Didn't you say you were washing your hands at the sink in a server? You looked at each other and we started laughing It's only smells. Okay. It's only smells. It's not only smells because women generally don't drop ass like that in public

Drop ass. You don't unless you're in an airport situation. We're like Hey, you're about to get on a plane. You better fucking do it here Yeah, I hate trying to shit on an airplane. That's tough The pressure's on you Pressure is on isn't it? So do you think you'll shit again today or I mean the audience is on tenderhooks just waiting I think I will shit again. Okay. Good. Oh good I think I'll shit again. Yes. I'm so happy. Yeah

We bought matches today for we bought three sets of matches One for the living room one for the bedroom and one for the bathroom Because our fart game has been really strong lately Fleeke if I'd Our fart games on fleek this house Yeah Your pregnancy farts are just But do you know why it's because I'm

I basically have you inside of me right now. Oh boy Let's have your genetics not why and so you're farting inside of me and it's making me fart like you Bullshit the science, babe dude That's you Hey, can we talk about this? How come you don't get a mouth guard like I did Because it's temporary my snore is temporary It's gonna go away. It's almost a year of temporary

Get a mouth guard I hate your mouth guard. It looks so painful. It does. Does it hurt? No, not at all Because I had um for me. It's so comforting to put on really. Oh, yeah, I feel it totally Like oh, this is what I'm supposed to have on to sleep Well, it reminds me of having headgear when I was in junior high school Bruh, yeah, because that pushes your it pushed my front jaw back because I had no I had an over bite Yeah, so push my top jaw back And it fucking hurt at night. I hated it

I passed out today for an afternoon nap without it in and I could just I could feel it in your throat Yeah, you just ripped it was loud as fuck I was in the living room. Look at that. You're smiling. Look at this is the happiest you've been this whole episode right now I'm telling you how horrible your snores are Look at you listening to women getting hurt in pornography And how much you snore makes you so happy You're laughing like patch Adams right now Oh

Okay, all right. It's enough. Yeah, we did enough porn last episode. All right Uh, I was in the living room with a dog and I heard you ripping through the door through the bedroom door through the wall It still works. Do you like that? Yes yes You ripped like that like an old man That wasn't an old man. That was my wife. That wasn't me. Yeah, it was I actually have that audio of you. I'm gonna play the audio of you You're not serious. I do have it. Are you gonna play it? No, I don't have to I'm asking you but I'm not snoring in that one

I'm just like That's not me. Yeah, it is. That's me. This is you Yeah, it is Yes You're not me honest, this is not me. Yes, it is No, it's not me. That's you you swear. Yes On our unborn child's life You swear, this is you

That's not you. It's a full grown man. It's fun to act like it's you. That sounds like it could be Yeah, I got that new pillow that body pillow. It's so great. You gotta try it Um, I'm thinking of getting you one everybody should sleep with one of these pregnancy body pillows That was amazing just laying down and it was incredible. Yeah, it's a maze. It's like a it was a maze It's like a dog cuddler. Like, you know, the dogs have their little beds. It's just like that for people. It's so good We catch the dogs in it when I get up to go take a piss in the middle of the night I come back. Theo's like in it like oh, hey mom. Thanks for the pillow Mom can I talk to you about something? It's my fucking pillow. It's my pillow. You're always stealing my pillow that fucking asshole

He's a motherfucker. I know Little shits is gonna be we're working up. We're changing our steez a little bit What's which one bits we're we're we're changing things we're moving that patch. That's what I told them Yeah, I Well, because I don't like it that the dog shits and how I'm sick and tired of picking up dog shit Yeah, we're up it. We're upping our training game. Yeah, our training jeans are on from that stupid potty patch I gotta tell you I don't really like the the whole idea of letting the dog shit and piss in the house But you know, unfortunately that the dog came to us like that and then

You know, what the fuck I'm supposed to get up every half hour to let that bitch out. No way. No So too much work speaking of little adorable things thinking of Baby names for our baby jeans. She's coming. I wanted to run some of my sure favorite bayou Yeah, are on my list. What you got? Uh, ancha Ancha, what is that german? It's uh, kechwa There's a lot of people that speak kechwa

Um, how about this one? Mm-hmm. Ask a young mom capuan. It means I have many yamas You don't get does it really mean that? Yeah I have many yamas. Yeah, I guess that's a good thing Yeah, you're llamas, right? How do you say it? It's yama. That's how I pronounce it. I speak kechwa too um How about a scene a scene? Yeah That means he smiles in in kechwa

These are all really what about at the welpa. Well, that's an ink and king and I like that I like that. There's a powerful name for a child at the welpa. Yeah, um, what about, um chipotle peck That's well, that's like, isn't that like mayan or something? Yes. It's oltec mayan Well, yeah, I mean, we're not gonna do that chipotle peck sagora. It's a beautiful name. No Chipotle peck sagora Uh, oh, this is the one mai takapak

Mai takapak Mai takapakakakak Nice Manko kapak sinchi roka. Sure. Uh, yoke yupangchi Mai takapak kapak yupangchi Inka roka Inka roka. I like that one. That's pretty cool, right? You know because

My baby is an individual and you know, I want him to have his own personal brand Which is why I'm going to name it something really original Can I give you another A couple names, please cheetah Love cheetah. Cheetah Here's a really good one Hukla ruskan Yama kikunata

Yama kikunawawan It means let's join your llamas with my llamas Is that really what it means? Yeah It means let's play our flutes together and be adorable little inkas. No, it says it's it's let's join our llamas together No, how about inti that means son? Okay Um Caspi Kiki

No, I'm not feeling these inkin names No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, what about good Hungarian names? Lutzie Csangor, Gabor, Lukac, Janos. These are all beautiful names arpad Hungarian boy names. Here we go. Oh god. Lutzie. No, let me know. Can I guess number one? Janos or Lutzie or Gabor? Those are the three you're going with. We're like top. Those are top, right? Where uh, well our Ultra high speed internet is not loading

Cool page, which is really cool Here we go. All right. Okay. Number one These are the most popular boy names in Hungary actually in 2010 Has been up to here. Number one is Benci Benci, yeah, that's lame number two Maté

Maté, yeah Matthew Levente I don't even know this stuff for David David Balazs Balazs is five balash Balash six is adam Seven Milan

Milan Eight Peter nine Dominic Thirteen is tamás. Tamás. Yeah, that's good Laszlo is eighteen. Laszlo. That's a good name for a child What were the ones you oh Gabor is 29? Okay, because I have a cousin Gabor. What's the other names you have? Gavis, Janos, Csangor Uh, what's my other cousin's name? The retarded one. Csangor is 60 I had told you dude. Oh Chaba. Chaba. That's our Csaba Chaba. That's my actual cousin's name

He rides around Budapest just 39. I know of course. It's the fucking the ugliest thing He looks for aliens. He thinks he saw UFO 10 years ago. And now he's forever looking for UFOs in Hungary. Let's look for a r 86 is arpid. Well arpid is the king of Hungary. It's like, you know, yeah Big big. I don't see p2 on here. Pista because it's um, i know steven. I know. Yeah How do you spell it? Our kind of pista p i s t a but that's not the real Oh

Has real name ishtvan, right? I don't know. I don't remember. I think ishtvan All right. Well, let's not hear you. Really nice. Bela Yeah, we're not going to go with a Hungarian name. Of course we are No Um, I think we could name them tupak amaru To honor both a great lyricist and the last legitimate ink and ruler Tupac Shakur

Yeah, tupac Shakur his real birth name is tupac amaru Shakur. That's nice. Yeah, it's a really nice name There's also tupac amaru the um terrorist organization That are named after the same person. There you go Oh No, but seriously, we have to name our son something Normal american, right? Don't you think because his last name is a is a detriment. Obviously seguro He's super latin. He's super latin. Yeah, you know, we want to give him a fighting chance for employment. Don't you think?

Mm-hmm Um So what's your what what are you going with which rick? Do you want to do richard or just rick dick Do you want dick on the birth certificate? Dick seguro. Yeah man big dicks I really like that

Isn't it crazy that tupac the rapper was 25 We died, you know, I just I wasn't a huge fan of his I just didn't get into his jams None of his jams, but I know that he's alive in holograms now Like don't they don't they pimp him out in hologram. Yeah, but he's also, you know, he is alive. I'm saying. Yeah, duh. Yeah Were you a big tupac fan? I wouldn't say I was huge, but I definitely I had a number of his albums and Yeah, I mean, I wasn't as diehard as his diehards. I wasn't like that where I was like, he's the greatest about I wasn't like that But yeah, I like some of his stuff for sure You know who dated him was wil smith's wife. Yeah, they're old friends. Yeah, I heard her. She gave an interview. She said that

Uh, they she claims that they didn't really date. They were just bff's or give me a break. Yeah, sure Come on like he didn't shove it in. He had them eyelashes. He had really nice eyelashes there For He's crazy talented Yes Lyrically, I mean seriously, he's so he really was so gifted Hey, this like the stories that it's he really was a poet. He was a poet Hey, didn't know it. Hey, he really was

What's a deal breaker? I love this beat too. This is one of my favorite beats What's a deal breaker for you to stop loving our son? I'm sorry. How does this go to that? I was just thinking that he goes My mom didn't pay attention to me and then all of a sudden we're on how do you not love your son because Because he says my mom didn't pay attention until I got thug life tattooed on my chest And I thought god, that's one of those things where if my son came home with a thug life tat I don't know how I'd feel but oh no, what's going on? What am I doing wrong? Yeah, what have I done? Yeah, what if he does get like throat tattoos and

aggressive Super aggressive super. You'll know you did something wrong. Fuck mom Fuck mom on his throat. Fuck my mom. Yeah Geez Will you cover that makes me nervous. Oh this can of adhesive sure, please Yeah, thank you Give it to me. Okay. All right here take it Yeah, the thing is when you're naming your kid you got to be cognizant of all the potential nick names

That come with that name, right? So if you name your kid richard, they're gonna call him dick If you name your kid edward, they're gonna hey eddie You don't want your kid to be called eddie like what jerk off all the time like a jerk off You know what I mean? You you you have an idea of what you want the name to be and then other people Fuck it up. Basically. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, but two pack. That's the name that we can all That's gonna stay on the test of time. That's a timeless name, right? All right So many good. So he has really he had a lot of hits man for somebody that died at 25

Dude had way too many hits. It's crazy. It's a lot of hits. Yeah, it's it's um What's there's a song i'm thinking of right now is What is it i'm such a fan of it's not this one You like this song I don't know it. I know what the one i want this modest mouse. Yeah Oh, yeah, the pixies covered this It's pretty good that yeah, that's his you know, it's one of the sex songs but this one I when I first heard this beat again, i'm more into beats, you know

This is a good one You Like I get it like I know why it just doesn't it doesn't Take all my butthole the way like some you know my style of music But I get it. I see it here that it's it's good, you know, it's not like shitty rap It's obviously good every song of his is not there's no like real he doesn't have any like nonsense songs of like

You know how there's in comedy There's like comics who never compromise Like they have no I just did that for the laugh Right like no fillery fun bits, right? Well, I mean like they have so much Integrity in what they do you like Jesus everything you say is meaningful He's like pretty much that as a As a musician like George carlin carlin didn't have well. No, he talked about farts. He had farts stuff. Yeah I mean, he's still amazing, but yeah, he's just one of those people. Thanks. I'd say hicks didn't happen

He throw away nonsense things, right? Yeah, he has stories With my I could listen to the The hook with no speaking over it over and over you just like the beat Yeah, I like I like the see that this doesn't resonate with my my soul. I get it. I know, you know like, um I just like I like angry or music. I feel like maybe Talk to my buddy about getting DJ equipment Are you gonna start DJing now for fun not for parties? Sure

Why shouldn't I I'm not saying you should it younger I say you start doing this now. You're in your late 30s. This is when you start becoming a dj No, I want to learn because I've loved hip-hop my whole life. Yeah, I've always wanted to dj I might as well buy turntables two turntables and a microphone probably not the microphone But I think I'm gonna get just two turntables and do it for fun. Russell Peters does that. That's who I talked to Oh, well, then yeah, he can tell you what to do. He told me what to get you should spend like Minimum of like 50 grand on this though. I mean, you know what we could do. I know we I know we just moved out moved the office out of our home and into this studio so that we could have a room for the child

Do we really need a baby room? I mean, oh make it a dj room. Yes And this is what you hear when when you're feeding the baby in the living room because he doesn't have a room Tom can you change the diaper please Kicking man, I'm digging All right, can we turn this down? It's making me nervous. What's making you nervous? It's just it makes me nervous This music makes me nervous Oh me dj. Oh god, what's your name gonna be? Oh, we got to come with my dj name. It's dj scratching farts Don't you like it? I love it

dj beard farts Hello, I'm thinking I'm thinking dj dirt whistle dj dirt whistle is pretty good dj spread it I had a dj name in college. Yeah. Yeah It was funky draws That's a great dj name because I have so much funk, you know So lame imagine what I'm doing this I would divorce you immediately. Why what do you think I'm getting this shit for so lame

Why is that so old like you're so old and lame to be dj now? But you're thinking of dj like like I'm dj a party. I'm saying for my own amusement Do you remember when we were watching flipping out and like that that cool like german guy was a dj or whatever? Yeah, he's like I make half a million dollars a night. Yeah, dear jang Yeah, but that guy's like, you know young and cool. He's not young and cool Well, he started when he was young and cool now. He's got a name like paul oakenfold or why are you making this my job? I'm not I how many times I have to say I'm not trying to build a career. You're not you're not gonna gig I mean, what's the point if you're not gonna gig because I love it

Who but who will you dj for myself just in in the baby's room? It doesn't have to be in the baby's room It could be anywhere wherever I set him up You gotta have a room away from the house though right here you're gonna set up here in the office. Yeah two turntables. Why not? Yeah, I fully I fully uh, I love it. Why don't you set it up in the parking lot? Is everybody You know what you are I tell you what you are. I know I know what you're gonna say what you think I'm the dream crushing you are I am not you are you're this you're the mrs. Rolloff You're the cliche of all cliches right now

You're like, are you really gonna get that? I like to ruin your happiness and joy. Yeah, I like to shit on anything You want to do? Well, guess what? I'm gonna spend extra money on it just because of your shitty attitude fine I'm not even gonna tell you. I'm just gonna fucking show up here with all kinds of equipment. I don't give a shit Just so you know You know what I'm gonna start I don't give a shit because I've always wanted to do it What Well, if I always wanted to start a a punk band This is a dumb comparison and so you're making a dumb why is it dumb? I love punk rock music

I'm a huge fan of all things because you know, you're not doing that and it's I am I'm really good Singing and why do you think I'm gonna start first of all? It's gonna be a clash cover. I'm muted your mic Because you're being stupid right now. How is it stupid? You've dreams. I have dreams. I want a punk band I'm gonna start doing clash cover songs And then eventually I'll write my own material, you know, no you won't but I need nothing that you're saying Was it what you're gonna do? I am too. I'm gonna start never gonna do this You're never gonna. It's gonna be called suck my left one. No, it's gonna be called kiss my pussy Dude kiss my pussy is gonna sell so many records

I'm gonna start touring with kiss my pussy. I hope you fucking break your legs today You hope I break my legs today And I hope it's the fucking most painful experience of your life. I hope you get diarrhea the most painful experience of your life Oh I hope you get diarrhea and I hope I hope it splashes in your mouth I hate you more than anybody. I hate you more. No, you don't of course. I hate you more You don't hate me more than anybody. I hate you more than everybody. I hate you the most. I hate you more You

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Um sure go ahead What else was there? You're you're the fucking worst. Let's play that voicemail Really when I play that one. Yeah, it's fun Okay, somebody said that do you think you know you know is kind of you know, I'm saying Say it again. You know kind of you know, I'm saying No, that's different variants This guy said, you know, like you are a spur 54 times what goes through your head when it's very start processing that now, right? Um, it's surreal. Um

A big change for me going from the northwest. Do you hear what right there? A big change being close to home and you know being a near my family and he's a quiet kid. So It really hasn't a sunken in all the way because it's just you know, just so just so different here What separated the spur and all the teams that wanted you it's really different, right? You know, I think just being close to home, you know being you know able to see my family more, you know, I see my kids more You know coming to he does like like 50 in like a minute um This voicemail

Set this up. We're how did this came in through an email through listener and I started listening to it and it sounds like my cousin shoddy at first And uh, it's so pathetic. It's it's one of those things that you just some girls do this when they're young And then you learn how horrible it is to do to somebody. It is really embarrassing just to uh, it's it's painful It's painful to listen to This girl Left a voicemail for this guy. Oh god And you could tell too that she's not a kid. That's the thing is that this is an adult, right?

I think she's I think she's a young girl. How young though Um, you act this way and you're even at 20 years old. You're the stupid Hey, it's Dominic. I made it tonight. You're so cute. Oh my god Ryan, I hope you remember me. You're so cute. He uses it off right away I love your shirt And I think they're so funny and I really like I've never felt that kind of chemistry before That's after a meet like to leave that in a That's bad

We both have the same interest in yo-yo So anything that's funny. No one else like you like yo-yo. It's like we like yo-yo Remember and I hope you remember. How do you not rip like? Do you remember right? I hope you remember You remember Anyways, um, I know you said that tomorrow's kind of crazy for you. You know with all that stuff, you know But I'd love to get in touch with you this week next week. Anyway, just reach out to me whenever you're free I gave you my business card. I hope you remember. I work at ebay

ebay a why ebay She spells it. She says it four times a why I think you're rid of it. You said you remember it kind of Anyway, Ryan, um, I hope you had a great rest of the night. You look so cute tonight. You're a little short

You're a little short and you're a little cute You're a little short and you're a little pats. That sounds like you're talking to a toddler She's so retarded, but she works for ebay. So how old I mean, she's got to be at least What 19 or 20 at least out of high school to work at ebay. She's not 19 or 20. She's old She's just immature. Yeah I'm Ryan. You're a little short and you're a little pats. You look so cute. You're a little short and you're a little pats I You look so cute tonight. You're a little short. You're a little short and you're a little pats.

I know you said you had to leave urgently I hope everything's okay. I get in the distance a little too. So I hope that You know You know everything's good, but um, hope you have a great Friday night. Either there was great weekend and Call me email me. I am me if that's me Pays me you have all my contact information. Jesus. I can't wait to hear from you soon. Have a great night, Ryan And um, I'll talk to you soon, okay? Oh

Um, and if you need to get in touch with me, I'll be at John the juice So, you know Where we're John the juice. Wait, she wants an ebay mba BA juice juice as in Jay like, um Like Like, um jason shoot. Oh my gosh, you're making so nervous, Ryan jason jason juice jason juice He was in unis

I love that name. I as in I jason cat Wow, he isn't This is a fucking voicemail. It's long too. No shit. Well how time it how long is the whole thing So crazy, how can she even leave one this long? Usually it cuts you off And why did she she's listing two places that she works? Yeah, she first she said ebay ebay. I know it's jamba juice Maybe she has two jobs Um, so i'll be at jamba juice talk to you soon

and um Yeah, it's lucky here from you. Give me a call whenever i'm available and single, you know You know Can you Can you understand Some of the red flags And this person it's all red. It's all red. It's all red. It's fire red, right? I think he knew that which is why he had to leave urgently Yeah, the party or whatever they were at

He's like I gotta get away from him. He's like and it clearly he told her he has indigestion Yeah, indigestion. I get indigestion too. So we both like yo, yo Did you ever go on a date with somebody and you're like, this is bad right from the jump? Yes. Yeah, I went out with a guy Uh in college who was a used car salesman. I don't know how or why he was a friend of a friend He wasn't even he dropped out of college and then in the first 30 minutes of getting to know him He told me he had slept with over 75 women. We were like 21 years old or something at the time. It was awesome. What happened to him? Why aren't you with him right now? I know

Such a winner his dreams so fast Well, what would his dreams he didn't have dreams though. He dropped out of college to be a used car salesman. He'd be like I gotta hit 275 and no Yeah, that was probably the reddest of flags there that I ever actually went on a date with I mean, I've met lunatics every day of my life Yeah, you know in comedy. It's all everybody's out of their fucking minds. Yeah, but that was the one date

Have you ever been on a horrible date? Oh, yeah, I'm trying to think of like the worst ones. I mean I can remember three two in carolina and one out here that were like Well, there was the one like she was just One girl that I just didn't feel like she was I

felt like she was too much of like Square, you know, and you're like, oh, you're a fucking nerd, you know, yeah so I remember that girl I was back at her place and her brother came over and I was just like I just didn't feel it I was like she's just kind of a nerd. There was one girl that I asked out I'd never done. I asked a checkout girl out in college. I was checking out at like target. Yeah, my dad used to do that Really?

He had a girl for that. He met albertsons checkout girl It dated for like three years. What this girl was really cute and I had never done that and I don't know I just saw her and I was like just go for it. I was so nervous asking And then I picked her up and she was so lame like She said nothing at dinner Nothing like two words and I was like, this is the most boring fucking time of ever Why don't you marry her and then she can support your dreams? Well, she would be easier to turn table dreams. Yeah coming a dj in your late 30s

But why do you say becoming a dj? Why do you keep saying that? I don't want to become a dj I just want to have that. Why do you say that over and over? You're such the worst Well, I don't want to become a dj What would you do with the turntable to you just sit here and spin record? Yeah That's the fun two of them and then you scratch. Yes You just go For my own amusement. Yes, just like a hobby. Yes, and would you make mixtapes and stuff and sell them?

Why would I sell mixtapes? Would you join like the finger beggars crew and you or scratch pickles and would you like Do tournaments with other guys? Why can't somebody just have turntables and have fun with them only? I'm just saying like what's the evolution, you know, what's what are you talking about people do things for their own amusement? I agree, but I'm saying like so It just sounds really fucking boring. What's boring about it? And just go It would be fun for an hour

And then you'd be like should I got like $10,000 worth of equipment and I'm fucking bored out of my mind No, you would be bored. Of course, but I wouldn't be bored You could sit you could you're telling me the it's more than like a day You get all this fucking equipment and you're like Well, that's it. That's that and then you're gonna you're gonna stick with it to get really good at it Is what you're telling me how do you I mean? Why are you assuming that I can't get immense joy out of something that you don't want to know? I understand it, but I'm just I'm just I don't I guess I don't see the long the long the long term

Like here's here's what I'm saying. Yeah, but you don't see shit. You know what I mean Sure, let's say you're a gardener and you're like, I want to I want to take up gardening as a hobby And you plant things I'm fucking example And then those things grow and then you make a salad out of the tomatoes that you've grown What or I'm gonna take surfing and I get really good at surfing and maybe you again Maybe I make friends and we go surfing together But this this scratching alone in a room

It's like I just I don't I'm sorry I guess it just sounds like the most boring fucking thing in the world Really? It's like learning to play bongo like I'm just gonna play bongo alone Like you're gonna have to join a band or other people who bongo. No, I don't want to Drum circle. When do you know me to want to be around more people? God, you're the worst person that I know in life

This cost me $20,000 I Just go practice on rustles and see if you like it first. No No, you got to invest in all the equipment first Again, you got to spend a few grand to figure out how fucking boring it is Here you go, babe, this is gonna be you. This is what I want to do I could do this for hours. I don't know what you're talking about Do me a favor just a solid do me a solid

Go to Russell's house first And just do me a favor and play with it for an hour a full hour And if and if it's something maybe that still really calls you I'll totally get behind it and I'll invest we'll take out a loan and you get all these speakers And all the bullshit a bunch of speakers man, babe a turntable How much is it to get two turntables and a scratching and all this crap like 1500 or something? And a board don't you need like sound board you need a mixer. Yes, we're gonna we have to write another office There's not enough room in here, babe, dude, we're doing that big of an office. We're doing this. Where the fuck are you gonna put all this equipment?

I'm scratching babe. I can't come home I can't come to the ultrasound babe No, the baby's being born hold on What is he way hold on he's healthy That's all good Check this out Oh my god, it's my nightmare. I'm alone home with the baby and you're here scratching Blow my brains out

Oh Wrong man, what's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? Why are you such a hater, man? Here's why You couldn't have fucking done this in your 20s mother fucker. No Why do I do it now? I got a kid on the way. So what? God Oh You're the worst

That was your piss. That was good. Good. I scratched I'm planning my raps for you. I'm gonna rap along your cool tunes This music's really interesting. Whatever you like, whatever you're into You should definitely not not, you know Don't further that interest. Uh-uh Stay a spectator. That's the way to be happy What's up, what else you want to crush more dreams? A big root crusher is hilarious. You are please. No, you are never dude 100% you are that's all you are

That's all I am pretty much. What what other dreams have I crushed? What other dreams have I cried? Everyone everyone. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. That's what you crush my dreams daily with what everything Everything just copying what I said love Companionship, it's horrible. Jesus christ Um, do you see that they uh, they found a cosby episode Where I farted he comes up with a barbecue sauce That makes women horny and docile. No, but I'd probably eat it right now because I really like barbecue sauce

Fuck this fart is unbelievable. Babe god damn it. It's really bad Poof You're the worst. God stop farting. It smells exactly like what I ate Let's see what happens here. Oh my god Have a man took with me in 50 years. Oh, you know it I love your neck, honey It's perfect like a swamp. Oh, well Well, it certainly is nice to see them work things out for themselves

Yeah, we've worked anything out for themselves. It's my barbecue sauce You're a barbecue sauce. My barbecue sauce. Haven't you ever noticed after people have something in my barbecue sauce? After a while when it kicks in they get all huggy buggy I'm dead serious. Haven't you ever noticed that after one of my barbecue's and they have the sauce people want to get right home? Let me tell you something else. I got a cup of it up on the night table I Got a cup of it, I said Left it up there breathing

Why don't you give the chicken to these people that's going up and have some sauce? There you go evidence further evidence that he's a rapist, you know, he was pitching the pill angle He was like I remember doing episode why give people the pills and they're like bill It's a little On the nose, right? And he was like, well, what else could you do with it? What if we do it in your barbecue? All right, we'll do it in my sauce Do you think claire is solely creeped out now? Because she had to do all those romantic scenes where they were always kissing and pretending to get down, you know

Well, she was one of the people that was doing the um, the press rounds not too long ago talking about How you know, they were stripping him of his legacy and all this stuff and now The media. Yeah, she was why are you ripping away this man's legacy and then now I think she has to Face the music in another sense, you know, wow He's such a fucking creeper. He's a bit of a creeper. Yeah. Yeah, we really pardon our Celebrity rapists and molesters. I mean woody allen ended up marrying the girl So His stepdaughter. Yeah, he was she underaged soon you prevent well, he raised her and then married her so creepy

That's pretty creepy. That's so creep. Yeah, that's pretty. Uh, is that illegal? I guess not. It's not illegal. No It's just super creepy. Just fell for his adopted daughter Roman Polanski that one is I find Almost less forgivable than almost all of these Yeah, because he was like taking advantage of girls and jacuzzi's and crap. Well, just the one girl and She was 13 Yeah, and that's so young and if he had been like any other job people would not

Be cool with it. Yeah, but uh You know, you're a great artist and then people are just like, yeah, all right fine Like he's had so many people come to his defense. It's so ridiculous. It is well the industry show business. Yeah, they're like And then, you know, she's she's forgiven them. So they're like, she's so what and like, you know, he skipped bail He bounced That's why, you know, he's never been here since that happened and then if you watch that documentary they highlight the point that um that

the judge went like kind of, you know, went back on his offer in other words told him this is going to be your punishment and then That guy died and you know, whatever the next judge didn't honor it. I think it doesn't even matter I don't I really don't think it matters like what he did was Such the creepiest thing ever. I mean if you really want to picture it um, how you really feel about it picture him doing it to like

A 13 year old, you know, and then see how you feel about it. You know, it's so crazy Elvis Presley was fucking Priscilla Presley and she was only 13 or 14 as well Really crazy. Jerry Lee Lewis was begging his cousin who was only 13 or 14 R. Kelly was peeing on 14 year old You know, we we excuse a lot of this crummy shit Out of artists if you like. Yeah, we like what they do. It's kind of unbelievable. Mm-hmm It's ridiculous. Yeah, like he's so special Like Bill Cosby so fucking special

So fucking special You know, I was looking up, um serial rapists and killers and stuff. What the wait, wait Why do you have an interest in this all of a sudden? And um, the top five like Ted Bundy John Wayne Gacy Um, I forget they're, you know, the big guys and then there's one black guy like Colton something or something Colton I'm like, oh, you don't see that. It's usually creepy white guys who like to rape and murder the most. Why is that, Tom? That's not necessarily true actually. That's kind of a you know Um myth that it's just a creepy white guys. It's just the whites

You have evidence to support other. Oh, yeah, there's a number of them. It's predominantly white. You have to say the big ones Not as predominant as you think though. I mean really no like uh There's there's a good number of uh black serial killers um and black serial rapists Here's a list I'm looking at right now of just

Black serial killers and it's oh, that's nice 57 names long. Oh, so that's neat It's just they don't get as much attention as the whites Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's probably there's some Institutional racism that has to do with that. Yeah people not really It's really because probably a lot of these black serial killers have black victims Oh sure this fuck that back system. Yeah, it's like oh a bipartisan dead. Anyways. Yeah. Yeah, like that There's that documentary that's on hbo. It's fucking phenomenal about, uh

The la what is his name? What is it's a great documentary grim sleeper And uh is what it's called Um And they they finally made this arrest a while ago What was his name though the real name of the guy? Investigation arrest

Yeah, Lonnie david franklin jr. Mm-hmm 57 years old um, and he was like pretty fucking evil man would get prostitutes Take get you know kind of get pictures of them. He loved to take pictures Tie him up all this stuff and then uh, they would just disappear Just disappear man and They have no idea how what his real number of victims is, you know, it's one of those things where they just

could be so many but For sure, they're like at at least 12, you know, I wonder how many Cosby really did. I mean 40 have come forward And that's only the people that have you know come forward. I wonder I wonder how many he's been doing this shit since like the 70s, right? Maybe longer. Yeah It's never gonna be as many as there are that you know, that's what I mean. So That's only what we know. It's pretty creepy Pretty creepy. Oh Rudy slow. Oh Rudy put your poody away. Yeah, you shouldn't have done that Hmm

You remember what was the Cleveland there was a Cleveland guy remember that he had um He had it was next to like a Sausage factory and that's like this the smell people used to think it was coming from the factory and it's really just bodies decomposing in his house Yeah, it was pretty crazy. Well, if you're gonna be a serial killer and do that You should move to lewiston, Idaho because there's a paper mill In that town it reeks up the whole town of lewiston. Oh, anthony soul. Oh He's the guy. Well lucky him. He got a little break 11 11 victims Wow, look at his eyes though. You can always tell in the eyes. It is it's only create. Yeah, you have dead eyes dead eyes

Yeah, there you go. Well bill Cosby's eyes hate him so much. They won't even look at him anymore His eyes won't look at him. His eyes are just walking out. They are wonky his eyes are like this one What is up with his eyes? His eyes know how evil he is and they won't even look at him anymore They're looking around and look around, you know I like to look around You know, what is the here's what is bill Cosby's eye problem? It says that he's suffering from a degenerative eye disease called

Jesus Kara Ten out called karmic raping kira. Ten knows it's called Payback for rate slowly Slowly but surely causing him to lose his sense of sight Oh It says it doesn't be doing it doesn't this is on the in on answers.com It doesn't seem to be doing much damage to his positive outlook on life

Nor impaired his ability to slit women mickeys, right? Jesus christ. Yeah Unbelievable. What about the shit freckles? What is what causes that shit freckles? That's just you know I think those are freckles that were always there But then somebody farts on them And they look like shit freckles that well because I feel like they look more like skin tags the older he got Yeah, yeah, they get more skin taggy as you get older Yeah, do you like that or no?

You know what? I hope I hope you get skin tags all over your face. Why? Just cuz Just because I'll never enjoy anything as much as kiss my pussy every my whole life. That's the my most The biggest joy I've had is listening to this woman Kiss my pussy Oh man, it's a good time. I like your shit freckles. I like him a lot. I don't have any Yeah, you do not like cosby you have him like morgan freeman does he's got big shit freckles old shit freckles

All right, we got to wrap this up you got those you got to get going All right, I got to get my cheeseburger I forget if it was last week or it's this week or it's both weeks, but It was shark week or it's coming or something. Oh, yeah, it's shark week shark week now. Yeah So maybe when this airs it won't be shark week anymore, but in honor of shark week. I think we should play this classic ghost crew song Sharkisha week. Oh, yeah, I like this one Um, thanks genes for listening to our show

Hope to see you at uh these live shows coming up Tonight tonight. Yeah tonight. What would be tonight would be new brunswick and then um Far on your mom's face right now Okay, I love you guys. Love you. I got to get my dj equipment. I got to get out of here. Oh my god Um, we got to go. Bye genes. Bye mommy Oh Oh

Oh Shark week, it's a bad week