Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 304-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 12, 2015

JEANS ARE ON AGAIN! What's better than a news lady screaming cause of an animal bumping her over? Listening to it on a loop of course! Tommy had a blast in Seattle thanks to Mom's like you. Plus we have a new favorite song, know what I'm sayin? Hell to the naw naw naw. A new movie idea just came to T Bunz, Will ChristJeansa like it? Hope So! The moms really meow down on this one, ENJOY!

We're back, jeans, jeans, jeans, jeans, jeans. Is that from Poltergeist? They're back, yeah. Thanks, man. In the 80s. That's an ODAS movie. Just when you thought you ran out of denim, a truck load pulled up in front of your house and there are unloading pallets of it. What kind? You're going to put all this stuff.

Is it faded for summer denim? Like the sun has bleached out the denim? Bleached out summer denim, whitewashed denim, the kind of denim that you can just never get old, you know? Never goes out of style that denim. Never goes out of style. There's a lot to catch up on. We'll get to it very briefly. Really quickly, me, your main motherfucker, I am going to Columbus, Ohio, home of current national championship fuck eyes. This Thursday, August 13th, I'll be at the Funny Bone Friday, Saturday, and Sunday as

well. So I got a bunch of shows at the Columbus Funny Bone. Hope you can make it. Next week, I'm doing one show only in Dayton, Ohio at Wiley's on the 19th and then a few days later, the 23rd Comedy Out Broadway in Lexington, Kentucky, August 23rd. That's it. Then I split, I come home, and Jeans and I go on a vacation, a much-deserved vacation. After that, in September, I'm going to Hawaii to do one show in Honolulu, September 11th. Uh-oh. Oops. And then I do a kind of one-night run, Charlotte Raleigh, Washington, DC, St. Louis,

then Columbia, Missouri. Wait, wait. I got a new one for you. Instead of Charlotte? Yeah. Charlotte. That's really good. That's really good. You got it. Can't believe I haven't been saying that for years. Yeah, well.

So all those are at TomSugarra.com. Go to the shows page. Links to everything, dog. That's that. Jeans, anything you want to mention? I mean, I'm staying home now because my belly is overtaking my life. But listen to that. It's deep, bro. If you like that kind of stuff, talk about deep shit, you know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying. Life, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. You know what I'm saying?

I know what you're saying, man. You know what I'm saying? I got it. I don't really like wearing jeans in the summer, do you? No, it gets too much. It's perfect for winter. Yeah. And I've never worn cut-off jean shorts of you.

No. What kind of question is that for me? Well, you lived in Florida. No. That's where they invented cut-off jean shorts. In Gainesville, they invented that. Don't give Florida the map. Oh, it's Gainesville?

Yeah, that's where those turds walk around. Is that on Wikipedia? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's official. It's like in the Library of Congress. Actually, where's Daisy Duke from? They're from somewhere where the Confederate flag. Still, hopefully, flies high. I'm fucking sick of this bullshit people talking about taking that flag down.

Of course. Look, I'll tell you right now. There's four flags in this room right now. Four Confederate flags. You got to celebrate our heritage. You know, it's cultural. First of all, it's just pride. Just pride.

It's just proud of where I'm from. I mean, shit. Wow. Sorry, guys, we were out last week, so we had to catch up on some of our ad reads. And we're not all caught up, so we'll do a few more later. Zoinks.

Sorry, kiddos. Sorry, Jean. That's how it goes. All right, you ready, baby? Oh, my God, yeah. Let's do this. Mamanatee County Fair, Linda Carson, ABC7. Would you not eat my pants?

Ah! From the... This is a big time! Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't mumbling a fucking thing! Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

With Don Segura. With Don Segura. Christina Pazitzik. Christina Pazitzik. Welcome to your mom's house. Filming Help Did you fart? No.

Why? Because I smell a fart. You didn't do that? No. Okay, smells kind of farty. No, we sit next to the toilet here. Oh, that's you. No, I did not fart.

No. This is a vine of this lady doing a news report. And she pets this little goat. And then it knocks her over. That's why she screams. I thought she was petting Bitsy, our dog. Bitsy does the same thing. I know.

From Manatee County Fair, Linda Carson, ABC7, would you not eat my pants? From Manatee County Fair, Linda Carson, ABC7, would you not eat my pants? Again, again. From Manatee County Fair, Linda Carson, ABC7, would you not eat my pants? It reminds me of the grape-stopping lady, that famous one, you know? Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. That's good. Oh.

ABC7, Nancy Carter. Well, you not eat my pants and then it hits her and you go, ah. How horrible is it to be a news reporter, to be like fake every day of your life? You have to do those field pieces, you know? Tour, seminars, arts and crafts. It's a lot of fun. A whole day. Stop.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. It's a classic jeans. Yeah. It's classic all the way. Yeah. It's an old school one.

Yeah. You have to cover stories. Just nonsense stories. Romantic County Fair. Linda Carson. ABC7. Would you not eat my pants? Ah.

That scream is so good. I love when it rains in LA or there's a fire and then they send the person out in the field to cover the story like behind me there's fire. Dude. It's a lot. It's a hot. It's burning. Tell me how does it feel?

Well, it's hot and it's burning. It's alive. Live for no reason. Right. I learned that. I'd never thought of it until my professor because I was a comm major and he was like most live stories are live for no reason. Yeah.

I was like, what do you mean? It's like, well, it'll be like a story and then think about how many times you've seen this now and you'll be like, oh yeah, that's so fucking dumb. It'll be like the money that the city is spending on exit tolls is wasted and then for more on that, here's Jim Minor and then live from the county courthouse. It's a 9 p.m. show. I'm standing outside of the courthouse where inside here they've been discussing earlier, not now, but earlier they discussed it and then you're like, why are we doing a live

feed? Yeah. Because the idea is that live is better. It's that people go, oh, this is live? Wow. It's exciting. I guess I'll look at the courthouse now. Yeah.

It's just so dumb. And then the worst are the human interest, that person who's like, these hot dogs are supposed to be made with another type of meat that I'm going to eat as many as I can right now. You see them doing it and they're like, oh God, then they always cut to the news crew who's like, Barry's crazy. Yeah. Well, how many morning shows have we done like that?

Oh, yeah. I know. My favorite, I forget what city it's in, and they stalk the audience with just old people, really old people. It's like the gay guy and the girl and their best friends and they wear matching sweaters. And they always lead with bad questions. Of course. They'll be like, so Christina, you went to Afghanistan.

How fun was that? You're like, wait. I wasn't. It's so worse. I saw bodies burned. Kids were dying. Oh yeah. Are you going to go back?

Yeah. Like what? Yeah. Those morning shows are the worst. What do they ask you about? It's always the same dumb thing. They'll be like, now we have a comedian and they're always like, they think you're going to be, they assume that if they say the word comedian, the person sitting next to them

is wacky or high energy. The idea that you're not high energy doesn't even register to most of those people. Oh, it's the worst. They're more like they immediately addressed. They're like, well, you're not like exactly a ball of energy and you're like, okay. I think they are always disappointed that we're not Robin Williams. Right. Yeah, they are.

Like you and I are a morning show kryptonite when we go on there. They hate us. They hate us. Yeah. They hate us. Every fucking morning show I've ever done. They're like, well, this could have been better. So tell me, you're married to a comedian.

How's that? Are you guys just cracking jokes all day? That's another one. It's really fun. Man. It's like, I had so many times too, they'll be like, do you, you know, they'll ask me, I heard you're married and what, remember the one time the lady goes like, it's your wife, Tammy Pescatelli.

That's great. I was like, mm-hmm. Tammy. That's my wife. It could have been worse. Tammy's pretty cool. Yeah. No, I know.

It just shows that like they don't, they don't even care. They're just like, who's the comedian? Okay. We're just going to give you a wife. I don't care. If you read the, whatever copy someone gave them, they pulled off your website in your bio five seconds before you showed up. I did, I did that one where like they mean, okay, like if you say anything that they feel

is like risque. Oh, yeah. They get nervous. Of course. They get really, really nervous. I was trying to find the morning show one that I thought, well, here's, oh, I think this guy here, this guy was like really nervous. Let's see.

Hey, Tom Segura and others are part of the Death Squad Network. Don't worry. This isn't the kind of group federal officials should be aware of. It's not. Tom's with us this morning. Oh my God. By the way, that segment opens with a picture of Bert Kreischer on the screen. This is...

Oh, Bert Kreischer has joined us two times. Hey, Tom Segura and others are part of the Death Squad Network. The Death Squad Network. Don't worry. This isn't the kind of group federal officials should be aware of. It's not. Tom's with us this morning. Good to see you, Tom.

What was that laugh about? That was Bert's laugh. That's a perfect impression by the way. It is good. A lot of everything. Oh, okay. He's barely alive. You know that?

That guy's liver is shut down. Do you drink a lot? No. No. I eat a lot. You eat a lot? Yeah, well. You've got a story.

Wow, we'll get there. Well, let's talk about this. It's so much fun. Speaking of Bert, we were in Montreal at the Comedy Festival and I was getting my hair done and the makeup artist met you first and then you left the room and Bert came in and she was talking to him and she goes to me, she goes, oh, here's your shirt. Why don't you give this to your husband, put it in your purse and she turned to Bert thinking that it was you.

God. I really have to change my whole fucking appearance. I didn't put Pete on the couch. Somebody else put Pete on the couch to mock me, but you know what, I'm fine with it. I'm fine with it. Right? He's not going to be on the couch. And neither is our special guest.

I'm going to go out and I'll even say comedian Tom Segura. You're not going to be on our furniture either. I've peed on a lot of things. Well, then I'm very sorry Willis. Willis Furniture, they're our new furniture sponsor. I won't pee on your furniture. Do you know what that means? We have to give it back, so please don't.

So if they're going to take it back, then why not pee on it too? You may see that chair with the big red tag on it when it goes. All right. Sorry. It's terrible. And I remember I got fired from Chelsea lately and then they would always ask me about how much I love Chelsea Handler in the interview. Right.

Well, you work for Chelsea. Handler, how's that? Is she just really fun? It's just skis here. Who is that? This is Theo Huxtable. I rescued him in March. I highly recommend rescuing him.

You got him on a morning show. They loved it. Theo is magic. And you're married to Tom Segura who was on the show a little while ago. How is that to have two stand-ups at the same time? How is that? It's kind of like, I don't know, wearing the same outfit as your coworker. It's awesome because we don't have to hold back.

I can say everything to him. Can I not? I can't listen to myself. It's fine. I'm listening. And you mean just as being back? Yeah. And the best part is you get to be juvenile.

If we go to... Okay. Can I not hear this? I don't want to hear myself. I enjoyed it. That's the gay guy and the girl and they're wearing the same sweater. Yeah, I see it. Yeah.

How fucking lame is that? How embarrassing is that? That's your career. Oh my God. Thank God we don't have to do that, huh? Yep. We just wear our jeans together. We just put our legs in the same pair of jeans.

Oh, I have to address something really quick. What? I shot my special this weekend. Oh my goodness. Man. Let me tell you. It is such a relief to be done. I bet.

And I am so thankful, grateful, humbled by the audiences I had in Seattle. It was awesome. Was there a lot of denim there? There was a ton of denim. And it's weird. It feels... You know, as a comedian, it's like you can never be sincere. Yeah.

But it was amazing. It was amazing. It was amazing. Command would be very pleased. Yeah. It was an amazing experience for me. That's awesome. I mean, your stage looked amazing.

You looked amazing. What is amazing? Can we talk about your shirt that you had made? Okay, so let me tell you what happened. You start thinking about clothes a while out, and then you go, I'm this big fucking asshole. It's 250 pounds. No, no. The reason I'm saying that is because there's a lot of stores that I go into and there's

nothing there for me. It's hard to find normal people clothes, regular people sizes. It's just they're small, medium, large, extra large. And then I go to a place where the double XL fits like a dress. In other words, it's enormous. Oh, yeah. It's ridiculous. Or they'll have a triple XL that I can't button.

The button doesn't get the hole. It's just a triple XL. Or the brands that do fit you for some reason are like urban wear. It's always like fat farm with like crazy colors. Yeah. Or like cross colors or whatever the hell. Yeah, yeah. Sean John shit.

I bought a Sean John for a taping. I bought it for one taping for some TV thing. No, I bought it for some Comedy Central thing. And the wardrobe people were like, are you going to wear Sean John? And I go, I mean, it fits. And they're like, we'll take it. They took the label off. Well, of course.

I was like, all right. Well, that's the problem with those hip hop brands is that they love to put the brand up. Of course. You can't be subtle with that stuff. And TV, they don't let you have logos. That's why it's a problem. Then I'm thinking like, I just want to wear like a cool collared short sleeve like polo almost, you know, but like a styled one, not just like a regular golf shirt, you know.

Like a dad shirt. No, but like a nice one. Like there's cool ones, you know, and I just, I didn't, I didn't, I searched too late. I couldn't find it. So I was like, all right. I had these shirts made in Hong Kong, you know, so I go. No, it's not, it's not just a shirt made in Hong Kong. Yeah.

You're not telling them what it's called. Oh, Danny's my boy Danny. That's how it is. When you go to Hong Kong and you go to that, like the, the Taylor division. Oh, there's like all the names are very like just one name. It's like Rockies, Danny's, Sammy's, Johnny's. Like that's how they, the Taylor's and they've been there like 40, 50 years. So when I was there, I went to Danny's and then Danny came to LA.

He does, he does like trips, you know, his son does every few months and he goes all over, you know, his clients and all these different areas and he came to the house and I got fitted for some like just casual shirts, like, you know, couple with patterns, but mostly pretty, you know, nor like monotone, right? Whatever, like black, white. So I had a few of those made and then like the week of the show, I go, I need more shirts. I just had that panic of like, I need more options. So I emailed him and he over, like not overnight, but like two day had these navy blue ones.

I wanted to wear navy blue for the special, like dark blue. And he had a maid and then it was like the morning I'm leaving, they still hadn't arrived. And he emailed me that they're at the post office, like they tried to deliver them. I run to the post office, I get them, they're there. I take off, I go to do the show at Cobbs, which was amazing with full charge came with me and then Sacramento the next night, great show at the punchline. And then we traveled to Seattle. Oh, and I was also in such a panic that I didn't have the right shirt that I went to Beverly Hills

and I went to like Saks and I bought ridiculously expensive shirts that I didn't even love, but just so that I have the backup option, I bought those spent like hundreds of dollars on those shirts and like shirts that I would never be like, yeah, I'll just wear this around, you know, like they're so crazy expensive. I brought those with me. Anyways, I try on the shirt that I want to wear the navy blue and they're like, and at the rehearsal, the guys like, they're looking at the monitor and Jay, the director goes, oh, there's kind of a sheen to those. Like they're kind of like, you know, it's kind of standing out.

Yeah, because a guy named Danny in Hong Kong made them for you. No, that's not why. It's just to happen to be that the material. They're satin, like sheets. No, because guess what we ended up wearing? A Danny shirt. I love it. But it wasn't the one that I had rushed to me.

It was a different one. The reason I bring it up is because you told me to pull aside some shirts from you. You were on the road and you go, babe, go into my closet and pull out some Danny shirts. And I was like, what the fuck brand is a Danny shirt? And you're like, it's made by Danny. Danny, the guy in Hong Kong. I'm like, wait a minute. You mean to tell me he brands them Danny shirts?

Yeah. And sure enough, I opened the closet. I pull out one of your shirts and on the label, it just says Danny's. D-A-N-N-Y apostrophe is just Danny's. They're not good at branding. It's not cool. Cool is not the emphasis. But that's a thing.

The shirt's great. It's actually way cool. I want Danny's brand to be everywhere. They should call every shirt company just the guy's first name. Hey man, where'd you get that shirt, Chris? It's Chris's shirt. It's Chris's shirt. The only thing that would be better is if my name was Danny.

That would be the shirt. That would be rad. See, that should be a little bit extra. He can sew your name into the collar. Well, he does sew my name into my suit jacket. Oh, that's cute. And actually on that shirt, if you flip up the bottom, it says Segura here. That's awesome.

I want that. Yeah. I want that. They don't do that at Old Navy. But here's the best thing. People think they hear Custom Made and they're like, well, I just can't afford that. Let me tell you something, man, these shirts were way less expensive than if you were to go to even like, I found more expensive shirts in Macy's and you know, department store.

Really? Absolutely. Because it's in Hong Kong. No, not even just there. I'm saying, especially if you have any, like there's some dudes and girls that literally they walk into stores and it's like clothes are made for them. Like there's a guy, you know, there's whatever, there's millions of guys out there that if they go and they, they guess a medium t-shirt, it fits like a glove.

Like their body is that it's a medium. But there's people that are tall, that are, you know, wide, that are even guys that are just super muscular, super fat, whatever your like body style is that never can quite find the right thing. If you go and you just type in like custom shirt and you can, it doesn't have to be like people think it's just for like businessmen, like wearing their suits to work every day. These guys can make anything and it's a, it's a tailor who ends up making a shirt just for your body.

It looks so much better than when you buy a shirt off the rack. That's the only thing. Right. But I'm saying that that service exists in Hong Kong. Danny's in Hong Kong. Baby, I'm trying to tell you that that's not just in Hong Kong. But you can get it done that cheap here. Of course.

You're kidding. No. I didn't know that. That's why I thought it was so, I thought that's why I was like, oh, in Hong Kong, everybody does it that way. It's a huge market in Hong Kong, but it's a, it definitely exists here. I mean, I've. I want to do that.

All you do is Google custom made or bespoke in your city. And there's, I mean, in LA, there's, you know, a dozen places to do that. Because you told me there's a difference between bespoke and custom. Well, that's true, but, but because custom is supposed to be, it works from like a blueprint and then it becomes tailored to you. Bespoke is a measurement from scratch where they just create something from you, but that's more like, you know, for the, more like a suit term, but like for the custom made stuff, you know, you can find, we landed in a Vancouver and as we're driving to the hotel, we're at

a stoplight. It's just like custom made shirts and suits here. It was just like a strip mall kind of place. Dude, that stuff and the thing is they have, they have the range to give you really high end, if that's what you're seeking, or just if you want just, you know, shirts to walk around. It's a game changer having a shirt like that that fits you perfectly. You're kind of like Downton Abbey times.

Like that's how they had all their clothes done. You just, there was no such thing as department stores back then. But I'm always bummed out when I go to buy shirts. It's the worst. Nothing fits. Yeah. Dude, being preggers is the same way. I can't just go to a normal store now.

I'm pregnant all the time. It fucking sucks not being able to just fit into stuff now. You have to go like a specialty store. Yeah. It's a horrible bummer. Dude, but I got to tell you, back to the special. So we got to Seattle, we're chilling out like day early, you know, basically the morning of I start to get like that kind of anxious feeling, you know, because you're like, you

got the countdown to this going on and there's just variables you don't control when you shoot that I've now experienced like before. So I know them and I'm just like, ah, fuck, man, I wonder if that's how he's going to go tonight. And there's, you know, start to get like in your head about your set, even though you know it so well, you've run it, I've run it fucking 250 times to set, you know. So I go, all right, this, you know, I'm just going to stay focused. Of course, I ended up picking the shirt that I didn't even want to wear, but they told

me it looked best on camera. We go there, sitting around, first show starts, show goes great. So I walk off and they're like, dude, it's in the can. Like now you know that we have it. You can go bananas, which is great, which is kind of like, but you also like, what does that even mean? Like, you know, I mean, like, what do you mean go bananas? Like, I'm just doing my set, right?

But what happens is it makes you feel like you're like, well, was that not good enough? Yeah. Yeah. This one go, go crazy. I go, what do you mean go crazy? What do you mean? How am I supposed to go crazy? I'm doing my standup.

But what happened was the energy on the late show was so intense from the beginning, like full charges. He did. He warmed up both crowds and during the second show when he was up there, I'm backstage and I turn to Josh and I go, this is going to be fucking crazy because I could hear the audience like so good. Yeah. I'm just like, crushing, right?

And I go, this is going to be nuts. And I go out there and it's, it's like pandemonium when I walk out. But what happened was I felt so much looser because I had, that's why it's so important to run that set. Yeah. Like that first, the first tape, that's why the two taping system is, is genius because you run it and then first of all, you have the confidence if it went well that like, oh, I have it.

Like if you only have that one, you're like, that's it. Cause I got an offer to do an hour or two and the, the person offering was like one, one hour. You get one shot at it. No, you can't do that. And you told me that you were like, do not do that. And I, cause it's crazy even more, it reinforces it even more. Could you imagine if you recorded a record album, like a song album and Quincy Jones

is like, you get one take, one shot, one shot, Michael, and you're like, what? No, it's impossible. That second show was, if you were at the 930 Seattle show, just know that that was, it was all, honestly, it was one of the most fun experiences of my life doing stand up. And how lucky that that's the thing that was captured on camera captured. Yeah. Cause you, you have those anomaly shows once every 50 shows. Yeah.

Amazing. A few times a year, you have like, you should have seen last night's show. Wow. That was, but you're in like Des Moines, Iowa. Yeah. No one fucking Dubuque. And like people that were there were like, dude, I was at that show and you're like, that's cool.

Yeah. It was captured on camera for Netflix. Can I tell you that, that serendipitous stuff, it happens for a reason, I think, cause there's been shows where, you know, you crush and then the right guy is in the room. Is that the show? Yeah. All my, and that, that, that show changed your career. Yeah.

This could be one of those things where you're like, oh my God, there's a reason that that, that was a maze. It was a maze. Yeah. Kimberan would be so happy. My manager that I still have today, Joshy, was at one of those shows when I was featuring, you know, like when I was featuring eight years ago. Oh, I hear you say, and he saw, he happened to see you.

He saw me. Knock it. Fuck it. Destroy it. Yeah. A show one time. Isn't that neat? And that wasn't a standard show, you know, like that wasn't like the everyday show that

I do. Right. But he was at that anomaly show you're talking about. Yeah. Sometimes there's lightning in a bottle and if you're lucky enough to be recording it. Yeah. God, well you lucked out. I mean.

I got emotional after it, honestly. I'm sure. Because I just felt like I really felt so lucky and thankful that that was one of those shows. You know what I mean? Like I just felt like, man, like it just doesn't always go like this. It doesn't. And sometimes you'll have a proficient set where like, you know, you run the bits clean like your first show.

I'm sure you're like, I got it. Great. Yeah. It's good enough. And then you take it to that next level. The next level. Well, the thing that happened was they were so crazy and good and like listening and everything. Yeah.

That I felt myself like really being loose and having fun. Yeah. Because one of the audiences on board with you to the point where like you just say something. You start throwing, like you twist your bits a little bit, add little things you never say usually. Yeah. And you're more physical. Like I felt more animated.

You know, all those little things. Yeah. Yeah. You throw a little bell on it and they get it and you're like, as opposed to some other shows where you throw a little bell on it a bit and they're just like, huh, I don't get you. I think it's connection and yeah, it is symbiosis. My belly button's about to pop.

Oh, I think it's going to happen. Look how tiny it is. It's a sliver. Yeah. Well, that's great. I can't wait to see it. I'm so happy about it. You know, and it's weird to feel that way.

It's actually like I got a text from Tom Papa. He goes, how'd it go? I was like, so great, um, like, uh, like, I'm just, I'm just so happy about it, which I never am. And he goes, doesn't sound good. Like, like, uh, that's, that's, that's troubling that you're so happy with it. You know, it was like, and I go, yeah, I think I'm done. Yeah.

You got to retire now. Yeah. That was your special. Something fucked up like that. I'm all happy about it. Cause the way you leave shows is like, oh shit. Horrible. Yeah.

I left. Yeah. My last show at Flappers on Saturday. I've been flogging myself for two days now. Well, taping wise, I can tell you like live at Gotham that I did a million years ago. Horrible. Um, like I remember that. I remember you were really upset.

I mean, I did, I'm not even saying this like as Brad, I did better than most on my show because Robert Schimmel opened them up for me as like a favor, like to be sweet. But like, I can, the feeling was like, ugh, like I hated how it went. You know, like I, I just, I didn't enjoy myself. Yeah. It's the first time I ever taped standup too. Um, I remember when I did, uh, Russell Peters taping. That was a nightmare.

That was horrible. I remember I was, I think, wasn't I with you on that? Was that the BT? No, that was showtime. Okay. That was it. Yeah. You were with me.

That's where you, you and Rocco were meeting and talking. That was the special night. Kissing and stuff. That was a nice night. Yeah. You know, I remember when I did the Amsterdam, they go, we're bringing you up first and no warmup. And I go, dude, you've got to do something.

You have to. And he's like, well, I'm not going to burn like material. I go, well, then just talk to them. Yeah. I go, you got to get them laughing. It was horrible. So I was the warmup of my own taping. It was terrible.

And you can't really fuck around on tape. You can't be like, Hey guys, super bright room too, which I hate for the worst is the crowds lit up. Yeah. All lit up and show. It's like, man, this is fun. Remember what happened to me in Montreal when I shot that TV taping in Montreal? So we just went to the festival and I did some TV taping for Canadian television.

And uh, Crystal Lee as the host, he does a great job. He brings me out. I get my first joke out. They're laughing. The energy is great. And then I feel a tug on my arm and the producer pulls me back and he's like, we have to do that all over again. And I went, motherfucker into the microphone, like joking, like half joking, half serious.

Like I really thought, by the way, you can't do that to a comic. When I heard it, I had, you always ask me to leave. You're like, leave. Cause I hate you watching me do standup. I hate it. It's so weird. I'm very shy with you watching me like that. So I step outside.

I'm on the phone actually and I come in and they're like, uh, man, that sucked. Huh? And I go, what? And they're like that they had to redo Christina's. I go, what? And all I thought about actually was how upset you must be. Cause I, well, I know, but when you hear like they had to rehab or redo it, I was like, oh man, like I was bracing myself for, for anger.

It wasn't, it wasn't my fault. They had some sound issue on the microphone. Like it was a production thing, but you can't do that to a comic. Like once they're off and rolling, be like, okay, can you do that? The joke over again? Do you know what? I've never done that. I guess some people do, but I've never done it in two, in two hour specials and one half

hour special. I've never done this. What? They go, Hey, like if you want to just like restart something, just go do that. Yeah. If you want to be like, um, yeah, I want to say that line again. I'm like, what? You know who I've seen do that actually and it worked was Burt.

I went to Burt's first taping like years and years ago. And, um, and he did it. And I was like, Oh, you can do that. I guess you can. I guess I'm saying that the whole thing is like, it's weird. It is weird. It's weird for me too. I would prefer not to.

Um, I saw Phyllis Dillard's first HBO comedy special and she does it. She did an HBO special. Wait, like the very first one ever done. It was like in the late seventies and she, um, she stops and she goes, can I take that again? And she takes it again and they didn't edit it out, which was so weird. Oh my God. I was like, you're supposed to edit out her saying, can I take it again?

You dumb fucks. It's really nice of you to leave that. Yeah. Jesus. Yeah. Well, I'm so, I'm so glad. I can't wait to see the cuts. I can't wait.

You know, the other relief is, is like, I think, uh, people, most people understand this. You get sick of your material. I've been sick of this stuff for a good little while and, um, it's like, it's permission to read, to start over again, another, it's a permission to build again. Like, I'm not one of these people that can go like, I got that hour. I'm going to work on this new hour. I have to like, in some way shoot or record it to be like, oh, make something of it.

You don't want to be done with it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, again, so now you can start, you know, fresh, take a break and go, go do your next thing. Yeah. Yeah. It's exciting.

Can you tell, can you tell people the title or is that not allowed yet? Oh yeah. It's, it's called, um, hey, fuck you, man. I'm on the phone. I don't know. It's an, I'm at the comedy club, man. Well, that, that's Sicklers. Is that really?

Oh, that's his thing. Okay. Yeah. Is it, um, sub cane? Yeah. Dude, both tapings, people yelled it out and I was, and then one, one show, this guy's like, sub cane. And I go, all right, sub cane and they're all like, ah, and then he's like, sub, sub

dookie shoes. And I go like, Hey, you know that I'm taping something right now, right? Like, uh, you're just be like, dude, your old shit, like, I gotta shoot this new thing. Yeah. It's funny that they love screaming out sub cane. It's like, I can't get mad about it. I mean, shit. I mean, shit.

Just in your toilet, you know, well, are you going to say the title or no? Mostly stories. Mostly stories. Okay. So do we know who we've released date? No. People can expect it. But they told me basically what happens is on the last one, because it's a license

special. That's why it's not in every country I found out about this stuff. The new one will be in every place that has Netflix. So even countries that aren't predominantly English speaking will have it. And what they do is the reason that it takes long to from like this, like it's in, you know, the shoot date was Friday. It goes into color or no, it goes into like a rough cut mode now. We'll start the cut and they'll probably have a close to final cut.

Let's say end of September, early October, might be a round of notes and they go color correct it, you know, finalize that audio mix it. Then they send it to every market, but every market has to have it subtitled first. And they go, that's what takes six, eight weeks is that because it's in what however many 50 countries, all those countries that aren't English speaking have to have it subtitled before you can release it. How the hell do you watch stand up? Could you imagine watching like, it's because it's considered a release of a film, you know,

I know, I understand what I'm saying, like as an audience member, like stand up comedy to me is so American, it's more Australian or English now, but it's such like, you really have to hear the inflection of people's, you know, it's not just the words that make somebody funny. It's the whole context and, oh, for sure, you know, there's going to be people that watch it. They're like, the fuck is this asshole talking about? And some of them are speaking to some of them speak English, too, but yeah, it'll be

interesting. I'm saying, but when you look at where English speaking comics are going now to do stand up, I mean, of course, they're doing it. Kevin Hart is now going to India. So like they used to be like just Russell, yeah, but Hart's going to go do Mumbai and like all these places and like, you know, Russell does it in Dubai, you know, yeah, well, there's obviously lots of English speakers, but that's my point is that it's going to land on all these places.

I'm saying, like, imagine just not speaking a word of English and reading like somebody's act. Hearing a laugh. You're like, what is this? Stand up. So my soul, I saw you were a special lonely Netflix. I hate everything you ever said. This is fucking stupid.

Here's my release date right here. Hello, this is Dead Mouse without the fucking stupid hat and this is enemy.com. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, says who I run my own fucking record label. I'll release mine on a Wednesday just to be fucking contrarian on Friday. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So Monday was quite a big deal for you. Who decided this? America.

Probably. Fucking hell. Well, we'll see about that, won't we? Um, I don't know why on a Friday used to be Monday. Yeah, I don't know. The world's gone fucking mad on it. Some fuckers focus group that somewhere in a room somewhere to maximize, you know, some amount of record sales.

If we go if we have it on a Friday, then by the time it gets to Monday, we'll have already sold a million albums if one is Taylor Swift, presumably. Yeah, I don't know. Unfortunately, it won't make shit albums any better. Will it? That still sounds shit on a fucking Friday. That's my boy Noel Gallagher. He's so great.

I fucking love everything this guy says. I think he's the only person that makes sense in the world. In the world. All right. No, not in the world as musicians wise. You don't really, I don't hear many people saying the kind of shit that he says. I like it. That's your guy.

Here's my guy. I'm proud to have come out as polyamorous and now I'm excited to share that I'm bisexual. I got to tell you the phone call with your dad, just the first, the opening where you're like, dad, hey, buddy, I'm Polly and I'm by what's that? I think I had that in my head for like two, three weeks, two weeks. Yeah, Polly and I'm by dad. Dad, what's that, buddy? You got, you got to tell your parents what makes your dick hard.

You got to inform your elderly parents. Whatever makes you come, share it with your parents. Yeah. Why, why? They're 70 years old. Yeah, you don't have to do that. They got to know what makes you come hard. Dude, after this, I got to learn to Wells Fargo to make a deposit.

And then I got to go work out. I'm sorry. Where are you going to go? Wells Fargo. I hope you didn't use that in your special because that's my joke. It's mine. It's mine. No, it's my thing.

I say Wells Fargo. That's the joke. I wrote that. It's my, I've been saying that since I was like 15 years old. That's my joke. You're not going to use that. You can't, I don't give you permission to use that. I say, well, it's Fargo or like, nope.

If I'm going to, if I have a fart, I'll go, do you want a fart? Do you want a fart? Can you really fart? That's, that's my song, too. No, it's not. That's I, I invented. Do you want a fart? Do you want a fart?

Can you see how I sing it like I know it? But I added that tag. You added it. Yeah, but that's my song. It's kind of a collaborative. I'll give you like a writing credit, but I feel like I kind of own it. Like Thousand Ranch. Oh my God.

Thousand Ranch, Thousand Island ranch dressing. Babe, Thousand Ranch is mine, by the way. I mixed ranch with Thousand Island dressing and you like it now. Yeah, I do because I invented it. No, I invented it. I invented it. And I also, I wrote this song for our dog. I go, FIFO, FIFO, from Little Tiny Poo Fee Roo.

FIFO, FIFO, from Little Tiny Poo Fee Choo. Little Tiny Poo Fee Roo, Little Tiny Poo Fee Choo. You're going to sing the FIFO song like it's like it's yours. I mean, there's just things that I came up with. I'm just talking about. I came up with a FIFO song. That's my song. He and I wrote that together and we just let you in on the FIFO song.

Yes, I even convinced the manager to put up a sign that says, well, OK, well, enjoy your life alone. Why do you take all my my my things? That's my stuff. It's kind of fun. It's my stuff. Tell me about FIFO song. Don't you like it? It's really good. He likes it, too. I think it's I think it settles him.

He's like, he does like it. He looks at me when I sing it to him. But when he walks, that's my song. I'm in charge. Yeah, that's right. I've run this show. That is why they come with people. I like that one. They come with people.

That was one of the first. Come with people. They come with people. I like that one. Oh, by the way. FIFO, FIFO, FIFO. My walkout song. Yes. For the special. How fucking cool is this?

I love when just cool shit happens to good people. And, you know, and basically you get all fucking love. My fucking walkout song that will be on the special. Did you have to say fucking walk? I mean, it's like is made by Ghost Crew. That's so rad. I hired, I paid them and they made a beat for me to walk out to. That's so awesome.

So it's pretty cool, man. Maybe I can get the pixies to do mine. Good luck. Kim Deal. And as promised, because I saw actually I met half of Ghost Crew. I met Chris, not at the special, but the week before in Portland. And he asked me if we'd ever played this song on here. And I was like, dude, I'm sure we've played this, but I don't know if we.

And then I mean, I can't go and like go through all the episodes and find it. But. I like the so-called homeless man's version way more already. Did you walk out to that? No, that'd been pretty cool. But they made me an awesome track. I have to talk to, I think, them and the production people. Maybe I can play it on here.

It's pretty cool. That'd be cool. That's awesome. Those guys gave us some cups, too, for the house. Yeah, they're great. The Ghost Crew cups and the Australian Dream cups. That was that was Chris, man. I've been drinking out of the Chuck Woolery one this morning.

Yeah, thanks. So good. Thanks, buddy. Makes me laugh. It's really, really, really talented. Those guys are really Obi-Wan Canole, Ghost Crew, all the guys, all the people that submit music. The musicians, Maxwell.

Max Newman. Max Newman. Did I? Plum. Oh my God. Plum, yeah. No, it's always amazing. Send more songs, by the way.

Anybody. Yeah. We love getting these songs, you know. It's great. Send it to your mom's podcast at gmail.com. Your mom's, but here's a song that's fucking, I want this to be our new theme song. And it's not from any of those guys, but it's pretty good.

You want to hear it? Yeah. Open the door. Let them be and turn them loose. First, I want to thank God for the blood running. Gonna be my thing. That's all right. Thank God for my life.

Health and strength. I got a sound mind. Not insane. Come on, come on. I ain't gonna preach too long. Ain't gonna take the service too far. By seven this morning. Hail to the no, no, no.

Come on, come on. Come on. Hail to the no, no, no. Hail to the no, no, no. Hail to the no, no, no, no. This is so good. So good. The video is so amazing.

He's outside in a white suit wearing like a black, almost cowboy style hat. And then he's at a podium. It looks like there's a statue of a monkey and then, I don't know, a pint of something next to him. And the song is called, Hail to the no, no, no. I mean, what's better than this song?

Nothing. This is, he's got his phone number published on there. Jesus. What's his number? Let's get the mommies on it. 813-731-3097. That's what it says. Go ahead, guys.

Give it a call. His name is Bishop Bullwinkle. Okay, Bishop. Oh, that's a fire extinguisher next to him. When the crazy go up, you get the blessing coming down. Yeah. I got some peoples in the church. And they still, they still, they're messing around.

Hail, no, to the no, no, no. Hail, to the no, to the no, to the no, no, no. Listen, I got peoples in the church today looking you to claim that they love you to death. He's petting a dog right now. Well, he's happy as shit. That's why. This is really crazy.

He is too blessed to be stressed. That is really good. I just love when people are so full of Jesus' joy, Christ's joy, God's joy. How do you get like that? How do I get like that? I like to get like that. You gotta jump in, man.

You gotta jump in. You gotta jump in. You gotta go all in. Okay. You can't feel it by just going half in. Hail, no, to the no, no, no, no. What if you became like a super religious person now? I think I will.

I think I'm into it. Because you're gonna be a mother? No. Now that I'm a man. Now that I'm a mom. I gotta change all my material, my material. Teach us. Thanks for the card and the sticker and the onesie. Yeah, that's right.

She gave me a sub cane onesie. It's exciting. Now we have like three Wu Tang onesies, a sub cane onesie. We got a few more. Guys, where are the Kim Deal onesies? Oh, I got denim. Somebody gave me denim. Like little diaper shorts.

Where are my pixies onesies? Come on. Don't start asking for it, dude. Well, I don't. I can't put just Wu Tang. I know, but you can't ask for it. We're gonna get bombarded with shit. I should have be careful when I asked for it.

So listen, I mean, we've been getting a lot of tweets about it. The audience needs to know what's up with your DJing. Dude, I'm into what I'm doing. Have you been practicing? Have you ordered the equipment yet? Acquiring minds needs to know. Everybody on Twitter is fired up about your DJing career. Of course, I mean, look, it went great, man.

Let me try to get some of this. Have you settled on a name, firstly? Of how I'm gonna DJ? What's your name? I think DJ Dadmouth is amazing for you. That's not really cool. DJ Dadmouth? There's nobody out there called that.

Why are you making fun of me? DJ Dirt Whistle. DJ Beardsmells. I don't know. DJ, where's Daddy? I like DJ Dadmouth. I like DJ Dirt Whistle. DJ, I hate my dad.

I don't hate my dad. DJ Daddy blew my college money on turntables. I'm gonna try to DJ for you here. Oh, okay. You working on some shit? Yeah, I've been. Let me see if I can. Oh, wow.

I really want you to enjoy how much DJ I am. I can't believe this. You've actually been. I like this song. What is that song? Um, what do you mean? This song under it. I like it.

Look, I'm just DJing. I don't know. Like, I like this jeans. Well, I mean, I know this song. This song. Who is this? This is a, you know, Jay-Z. Yeah.

Oh, I love this song. Yeah. You know, I got it. Sexy bitch. Fucking whore. You want to fuck with me? You know, I got it. All I do.

All I do is scratch. I love this DJ. You really want to fuck with me? You want to fuck with me? So did you record that on your new equipment that you bought? So I got like, I didn't go crazy. I just bought like, I spent like six, seven grand just because, you know, I'm sorry.

How much? Like seven to 6,800. Where's the equipment? It's coming. It's, it's, it's like, because I, well, this is like a, Oh my God. That was a temporary one that I, like I borrowed some stuff to like try it out. And once I tried it, I was able to just, you know, record some of the mixes.

And then I was like, I like this. So I ordered like some, I ordered a mixer. I actually don't have everything yet. I have one turntable and a mixer. So I just got to buy the other one now. And then is this going in the baby's room? No, it's going to go. Well, yeah, because that room is huge when you think about it.

I know. This is the, it's the biggest room in the house. It has like the divider. So I can put the turntables on the other side. Yeah. Plus I want the baby to know real hip hop. You know, right?

00:53:07,100 --> 00:53:07,820 All right. Well, when he's falling asleep, you can look at, look at, look at, good night. Look at, look at, look at, good night, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good. Good night. Twizzlingle, twizzlingle, little star. There you go. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Get really, really silent, silent night. Holy, holy, holy, holy night. There you go. Silent night. My ass up and down. Look at the tongue turn, doo-doo brown.

Doo-doo-doo brown, doo-doo brown, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo brown. Yeah. Just really relax as a kid. That kind of scratching, you know, is relaxing. That is true. That is true. We have more business we have to attend to. I got to make a peachy.

Can you please press pause? Yeah, sure. Hold on a second. Yeah, so listen, I know this is a lot of ads this episode, but we missed and we have to catch up. So we have to do more ads. Sorry. You can fast forward if you don't want to hear them.

So, I mean, let me tell you. Or not really listen and pay attention. Well, you know, people get upset. So when I tell them, I'm saying if it's a deal breaker for you, then you can not listen it. It's like when you DVR something, I guess, you know. Listen, I love having these ads because it helps us, you know, live our life.

We kind of need ads. And we're happy. We're thrilled with everybody that we work with. They're all great. So I farted in the restaurant yesterday. And what was really interesting is that I went to the restroom for just number one.

We had finished our meal. And then I started the fart. You ever do this where you the walk back? I started the fart in the hallway. And then I figured, okay, I farted for like five consecutive seconds. Like it was really long. And I'm like, by the time I make it back to the table,

it'll be long gone. It'll be aired out. Yeah. Yeah. But it wasn't. No, it, it, it trailed you. And then it came to the table and it came back. I farted, by the way, one time during my special.

So big. And I remember the moment. So I'm going to wait till I can see the cut. And see if you can actually show. I can actually see myself going because I, I felt it. And I was like, I'm going to wait. And I set a line where it got an applause. And I went, and you farted on me.

I farted like a huge fart too. I was like, I'm always afraid of farting on stage. I feel like the audience can hear it. Well, that's why I waited till the applause. Yeah. So I tried, I wanted to make sure that it didn't come. And it was a big, big, long fart. And was it smelly?

No, I mean, I didn't really pay. I just remember that like it was a relief. I was like, ooh. You know, I feel like you, and I don't mean this as a criticism. I just mean this as a constructive thing with you. Okay. You know, it's like I'm five months pregnant. I've got these crazy farts.

And I just feel like you're not really kind of giving me the credit that I deserve for them. Like they smell really bad. And you're not kind of praising me like you should. I've, I've been well aware of them and how bad they smell. And it's really awful. But why don't you say more? Like why don't you compliment me?

I've said plenty and I've left rooms and I've, I've put the window lock on in the car and not let you control windows. I've, I've done what I can do. What do you mean? I want to discourage it. Okay. It's really terrible. Babe, it's your child in there that makes me fart.

It's you that makes me fart like this. I feel like he might come out even farting so bad. Of course. Like you're about to push him out. Do you know that this week, so we, we go to that what to expect app and the fucking annoying lady with those videos and the bad glossy lips tells you what your baby is up to this week. And this week he can say she, he can hear all the sounds inside of me.

That's right. She goes, he can hear the whoosh of your blood and your heartbeat and he can hear your mother's voice and your, and he can also hear your tummy growling. And it's like, why isn't she saying she can hear your farts and your horrific bout to diarrhea. So you can hear that for sure. Yeah, bitch. Yeah.

Let's keep it real. How about this shit? This is real right here. See how real this is to you. Brighter than your love. A lot brighter. You might be love. A lot brighter.

And you can test me on history, job, play politics, anything you want. I don't. But what I've heard from you today is worse than what I hear from children is school playgrounds. That's how much you know. What are you doing in children's playgrounds? I didn't say I was in the children's. Nobody's really in the children's playgrounds. That's what I've heard.

It's too, it's too old people at a bus stop arguing. I hear this. I hear that. It's truly speaking to you from up there. Are you walking to us? No, I'm not. You know. Come here, listen.

You know what it's about? I haven't been away yet. Well, take them out and shut them. Keep it shut and kept it. If you've not been better to say, keep it shut. You're disguided me and this man when we were on about the death penalty. End of story. That's how this started.

Will you check on that? That's how this started. Will you check? If you disobey that, don't lie. I love old people arguing. Especially when they sound like Britcom. Yeah. Who's that?

I think they need a little bit of Jesus in their life. Talking about dinner. Give the amen. Talk to them every Sunday morning. About a quarter. About a half past ten. Come on. I got some fire.

Got some bulldackers. I got some home. Don't bad that they coming in. That's right. That's right. Another land at the altar. And they confess to sin. Their sin.

Yeah. Come on, bitch. The time is still Monday morning. We're doing the same thing again. Come on. Hell no. Hell no, no, no, no, hell no, hell no, hell no, hell no, no, no, listen, I got kids dropping out of school. I love this guy.

Babe, what's bulldacker? What do you mean? He said, I got a bulldagger. Oh, I don't know. Bulldagger. I definitely don't know. Here's a... Don't you wish Church was like this here in LA?

I'd go every week if this guy was... Oh, this guy? Well, if he did that song every week I'd hear it. Hell no. Hell no, no, no, no. Yeah, I'd pay for that. Me too. You remember when we were in the Bahamas?

We did something like 08. What did we go there for? Ju Canoe. It's the Ju Canoe. Yeah. The festival. That's right. Yeah.

So remember we took the... We had to go to Harbor Island for the... Harbor Island. For the marriage certificate. Of course. We're in that one office and we were talking to the white girl and we were like, you're white? Yeah, we were kind of stupid thinking about it. Yeah.

But she had her like, yeah. From, yeah, it was born and raised and she had her like... Lutra. Lutra. Yeah. Harbor Island. Yeah, the pink sun's bitch, yeah. Over at Sandicucha.

Sandicucha Beach. And we were like, holy shit. Because actually it's kind of fair the entire time leading up to that. We had not met one white native. No, mostly there are black people living in the Caribbean there. Yeah, that's not like an unusual thing, right? 01:01:00,620 --> 01:01:02,300 Well, she was like, yeah, born, raised, everything.

We got married on a Lutra in 2008. That's the non-event my husband's referring to. And we had to go to Harbor Island. We had to take a ferry to go to Harbor Island to get our marriage license. And we were like, why the fuck didn't we stay at Harbor Island? This is way nicer than the Lutra. This video here goes out to all my yard and then we'll leave abroad. Or any Caribbean man will leave abroad.

Come and also you have it worse, right? I've been getting emails like every single day. There's not a day that I don't go on the internet where I have at least three or four emails. People are looking and saying, are you really Jamaican? Or are you just putting on an accent? Every Jamaican out there right now that live in the United States, have ever been to the United States,

ever visited the United States, just put your hand up in the air, right? It's just like, hey, I have. I know you've had this problem. You had a restaurant, right? And you're talking to your friends. On the phone are just casually, this girl comes by, your waitress comes by,

and she's like, wow, that's a lovely accent. Where are you from? Yo, I'm from Jamaica. Hold on a second. Where's your dreadlocks? Huh? Where's your grass curts? You guys still live in crazy dreadlocks?

You want to something crazy? Where's your dreadlocks? Can you tell what this guy looks like? I mean, I have a stereotype of what he looks like. Tell me. Chocolatey skin. He's got brown skin and he's got dreadlocks. And he's got like a reefer.

Oh my God, he looks like Eminem. Aren't you supposed to smoke ganja? Oh my God, it's so weird. You know what I'm giving in this look, right? He looks like Eminem. You get stereotyped every day. Every day, people are coming up and saying, yo. You know, where's your dreadlocks?

Why are you not smoking ganja? People come up. I swear to God, people come up to me and say, yo. You know what, we can find some good hygrids. Do I look like a drug dealer? I'm an outstanding citizen. And so I tell you what, I tell you what. Are you ignorant assholes out there?

And I'm sorry I said asshole. I feel bad. I take it back because I'm not supposed to cross-border it in this video. Are you ignorant bumbo-clout people? I can't take you, blood clout people. Oh shit, he just switched it up. What happened?

Oh, oh, that's not cool. He just did blackface. Well, he's saying, I guess, I mean, his point is like, is this what you want me to look like? Yeah. Right? Jesus, all Jamaicans feel dreadlocks and favor black men like the white man can't be Jamaican.

And I can't, they're not Chinese Jamaican too. As a matter of fact, I hope to God a Chinese man come find camera and tell the people about there to stop stereotyping. Yeah, it kind of made a pretty big leap at that point. Anyways, I can't believe what that dude's whiter than white, man. Yeah, that's pretty cool.

I've never seen that. No, I've never seen a white Jamaican. I've been to Jamaica and I never encountered a person like, but hey, it happens. It's all possible, bros. I want to switch speeds really quick. I wrote like a pretty detailed outline for a movie that I wanted to tell you about.

Really? Yeah. Sure. Yeah, go ahead, pitch it. So I'm really into this story that I wrote. It's basically, I'll give you the soft pitch. So it's about like an elderly man. And the movie opens up where he's sitting in front of a mirror

and he's just kind of staring at himself. And as the camera pushes in to his reflection in the mirror and turns around back to him, he now has lipstick on. He's like, let's say 80 and then he puts on a wig and he puts on earrings and he gets dressed. And he kind of is around his house, walking around his house, dressed up like a woman. And then when the door opens and he leaves the house,

he's back to dressing like a man. And so the story is about an old man who is slowly accepting his desire to be a woman. Like he's been fighting it forever. So that he's transitioning but really late in life. So it's kind of like he's finally doing what he wants to do. At the same time, we meet a character who's like an early 20s girl. And we learn that it's a girl.

The girl is his daughter, but he had her like in a one night stand. With a younger woman. He's 80 and she's 20. Right. So he's 60 years old. He had a one night stand. And didn't raise the girl really. But she's wanted to like have some connection with him.

But he was kind of a ship bird. So as he's going through this emotional transition, they slowly connect more like she's actually discovering that she can connect with him on an emotional level as he's opening up to her about what he really wants to do. So in like the third act of the film, he has an operation and he has his penis removed. And she elects to have it attached to her. So she goes and then like in the final act of the film, she goes

and she's masturbating with his penis. So it's the penis that attaches. Sorry. Can I finish? Can I finish? I'm sorry. I'm just trying to follow how does she attach it to her? No, she goes to the doctor.

Yeah. The doctor attaches it to her there. And so does she have both vagina and the penis or just the penis? No, both. And then she goes. Both? Yeah. Well, yeah.

Okay. She goes in the end, she's like she strokes it and she goes. It's the last line of the film. She goes, I have my dad's dick, but since nothing happens with it, she goes, I need my dad's balls. Okay. And then it fades out and it's called my dad's dick. Yeah.

So I need you to run a few lines for me. So why? I'm too old to play the part of the 20 year old. Let's just see. So could you go ahead and give us I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls. Nope. Please.

Here we are. And it's Christina. Wait, wait, wait a minute. Wait a minute. No, wait, you're not. Wait, go ahead, Christina. Can you give me some? Where am I sitting?

Am I masturbating? Yeah, you're laying, you're laying in bed at home. You're just staring up at the ceiling. Okay. And you have your, your father's 80 year old penis. It's just been attached to you. Okay. And you're just kind of, you're getting to know.

So the line is just so I got the straight. I have, I have my dad's dick. Now I need my dad's balls. No, it's, it's, it's close. Don't say the now is just I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls. That's, and is that the tagline for the logline for the movie? Yes.

Yes. It's I have my dad's dick. Have my dad's dick. I need my dad's, but I need my because you realize that without the balls. What's the point of having the dick? Exactly.

01:08:44,540 --> 01:08:47,020 I think about that as like, yeah, exactly. That's how I do my next episode. That's deep bro. About can you have the dick without the balls? It really is an interesting way of looking at things. I have the dick. I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls.

That's the line. If you could give us a lot more emotion though. Okay. And we got. Okay, ready? I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls. That was really good.

Do you like that? Yeah. I think, um, I think take your time with it more. Sure. It seemed like it was like really kind of aggressive, but I'm masturbating frantically as I'm doing it, but I think you're, it's more like the realization of like, I have it.

Oh, and then you're going, I need, you know, why don't you show me how you would do the line? It sounds like you've got an idea. I think it's, I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls. Like that. Okay.

Let me try it. And we got take two for Christina on my dad's dick line reading. I, I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls. Oh my God. That was amazing. That was amazing. That was awesome.

That was really great. This may seem like a dumb question. Yeah. It's a dumb question, but like, do people's genitals age too? Like if the penis really visibly older? Yeah. Really?

Sure. Cause like I look at your 36 year old hog, how old are you? 36? Yeah. 36. And I don't feel like it looks that different than guys that I had in my 20s. You know what I mean?

But like, is your 80 year old dick going to be that different? I think it will be. By the way, so this is the clip right now. Your balls will be. Oh, they're going to hang so much lower. This is a clip where somebody had sent us this video and said like, listen to this guy. And I was like, well, you didn't give me the time code.

And then he emailed back. Well, obviously it's the end of the scene. He wanted us to hear the guy. Obviously. Begok. So I haven't heard it, but here it's about to come up. Oh, okay. He's talking to himself.

He's talking to himself. Oh my God. He's talking to himself. Oh, there you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There we go.

Yeah. Oh my God. Kind of screamed a bit there. He definitely got his dad's balls. He got his dad's balls. See, you really see the magic in this. I get the story. Like, so the story is like,

she's connected to her dad now, but not fully. Like she needs to know more of her dad. Right. There you go. There you go. There you fucking go. Oh my God. These clips always make me feel bad.

I never feel good unless these clips. Right. It's never positive for me. It's horrible. It's always horrible, these porno clips. It's always, it's so depraved. It makes me feel sad for them. I just feel sad right here.

Like, what is wrong with these people? Behind the scenes of Maximum Kickage. Someone sent to this. I think both men are very charismatic, right? I mean, you're not one of the biggest action stars in the world, and you're not one of the biggest wrestler at one point in time in the world without, you know, without having charisma. Well, and again, when you put these guys together.

These are the guys that made that piece of shit, Maximum Kickage. Yeah, yeah. That we played a few episodes ago. Yeah, and now they have to. And then I started from him for many years, and then finally found someone who could teach me Aikido. It was very interesting. Oh my God.

I can't believe they even made behind, I mean, this was so fun where if you haven't seen Maximum Conviction on Netflix. It is such a fucking turd. And they actually, I thought in movies like this, they didn't even bother with behind the scenes, but apparently they do. They all do. I remember that scene where he's like, what are you doing here?

He's like, I thought you, I never thought I'd see you again. And then, and then he's like, you know, they bring me in to do this shit. And then the warden's like, what the fuck? And he's like, well, you know, we got all this fucking shit and they just keep saying fuck. I thought I already closed this prison. I closed it.

Not till I'm done here. And it makes no sense. And they talk for 15 minutes. There's a 15 minute scene. It makes no sense. Totally not. And then he fights somebody sitting down, doesn't he? Yeah, I think this is the director talking about.

Oh Christ. Yeah, I think he's like, did you really think he believes it's a good movie, the director? If he does this dude, I mean, I think he needs to see more movies because this was a fucking turd. And you're not one of the biggest wrestlers at one point in time in the world without, you know,

without having charisma. Well, and again, when you put these guys together and, you know, you put them in a scene, people want to see them just kick ass. But, you know, you want them to talk. As a, you know, when you tell them stories, you want them to actually be able to have conversation so you get their personalities and how it mixes.

Hey bud, it's Madden. Hey, listen, we got an issue with the garbage truck. Something jammed in there and I'm smelling diesel fumes. Well, you know, block these on the same ventilation system as maintenance. Yes, Steve is acting. Same place you're looking to assess last night. I'll take care of it.

I don't think either of us are going to make it out of here today. Wonderful. The first time to work with Steven, of course, I've seen damn near every movie the guy has made. I'm a Seagull fan. So to be able to work with him and getting a scene with him, it's fun. I mean, I am the king of improv and for forgiving my sayings.

Oh my God. Did he really just throw that in there? He just did. He's the king of improv. That's another. Holy shit. Wow. He's so humble.

That's what you know. What's interesting is all the time spent in the east cultivating his Buddha nature. He's very humble. Despite his that is despite his Buddha nature. All I mean, God, I feel like I made my bit too early. You know, my seagull bit to go back and redo it. It's like there's so much new stuff that's been added.

God. When I did it, I didn't know about his music. I didn't know about his Buddha nature. Right. This is unreal. Wow. Wow. Who says that about themselves, by the way?

No. I'm the king of improv. I got I got to hear that again. That's just unbelievable. That is getting a scene with him. It's fun. I mean, I am the king of improv, if you forgive my saying so. I get the essence of what has to be conveyed.

And I make sure that that is conveyed. And after that, I sort of say it the way I would really say it. And the action. Wait, do you realize what we just got, by the way? This is such an amazing jam. No. Do you understand what we just got? That's his way of acting.

We're in the Steven Seagal School of Acting right now. He just explained to you his method. Unreal. Oh, my God. It's the Buddha nature. What is the Buddha nature? What is the Buddha nature? What is the Buddha nature?

Unreal. He really is a piece of work. What he basically actually just admitted to, by the way, is that he's a lazy actor and that doesn't want to learn his lines. Yeah. And that he's enough of a big shot and a blowhard and he's doing these low-rate, low-budget movies that when they go, here's the script.

He goes, I get the idea of this scene. So I'm just going to say it the way I would say it. And is dismissive to the writer and the director. The hours. And the other actors, by the way, who are like, I learned my lines. He's like, well, I don't do that shit. I'm the king of improv.

By the hours of preparation that went into the film, yeah. There's an old Zen story of two monks that were walking across the bridge. Oh, boy. And the junior monk said to his teacher, he said, what is the Buddha nature? And the other monk picked him up and threw him in the water. You know. I don't get it.

Do you get the story? Yep. I get it. I don't get it. I got it. You made your peachy. Yeah. You made your peachy.

I was thinking of what that little parable meant that Stephen Seagal was talking about. Two monks and then threw the other one into the water. The Buddha nature? The Buddha nature. No, Buddha nature. I kind of hate Buddhism for that reason. It's always like random shit and it doesn't mean anything. Well, by the way, just in case it escaped your mind, I just wanted to give you...

Yeah, it's fine. I mean, I am the king of improv, if you'll forgive me. Oh, shit. I forgot. That's what he's talking about. He's the king of improv. Yeah, I forgot. Sorry.

I just wanted to remind you in case you were like, hey, I don't remember anything. Hey, do you know the king of improv is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you can forgive me for pointing it out, it's actually... I am the king of improv, if you'll forgive my sayings. I mean, I am the king of improv, if you'll forgive my sayings. I mean, I am the king of improv, if you'll forgive my sayings. He needs to forgive himself for saying so.

I wonder how he feels about like... Oh my god. About like Will Ferrell or somebody like that. No, those guys are not the king of improv. So most guys can do improv, all right? I wonder if he'd be like, Will's all right. But if you're talking about like the king, I'm the king. It's unbelievable.

I'm the king of improv. It's unbelievable. It is un-fucking-real. Hey, how many Hot Fudge Sundays are we going to eat this week? I love... You always hear about it before it ever happens. It's in your life about pregnancy cravings. I really didn't sense one coming.

You've been hungry, but you're eating your cereal that you don't normally eat, and you're kind of mixing it up. But then lately you've been like, I want ice cream sundae. But I like the shitty kind. It's got to be McDonald's. Can we talk about how cheap that is? So we went to a drive-through and it was ice cream sundae, no whipped cream, no cherry, extra fudge, two of them.

And they're not, I mean, they're not enormous. They're in the little cup. Two of them was 360. It's crazy. That's so cheap. So cheap. Why do you... That's why we're a fat country.

Yeah, it's cheaper to eat there, for sure. Of course. And I have an admission to make. Yeah. I didn't want to. Yeah. Yesterday I made myself peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and I used Jeff peanut butter.

And? And I liked it. Yeah. I did. I don't not say I'm going to switch. Yeah. But I enjoyed it. I didn't vomit, you know, right after, like I thought I might.

You enjoyed it. It was okay. Yeah, good job, Jeans. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that actually reminds me of that clip. You remember the yeah clip?

Yeah. Yeah. It was, I actually have it cued up today. It's so funny. It was this. Yeah. How can I be fake, Ellie King, if that's your real fucking name? All the pictures are from me.

All the videos are from me and my mom Cindy. You see that lady right there behind me? No, that's my mom Cindy. So see, I am not. Thank you, ugly looking bitch. Talk, Cindy. Yeah, you ugly monkey. Go come on up.

Another ten. Jump off on the other side. Next time, if you harass my daughter, she will get you on her ass. One, I am pregnant with my son, Frederick Jr. I'll be five months tomorrow and he's kicking the shit out of me right now. Yeah. My dad died three weeks ago tomorrow at 6.18 a.m. Yeah.

My husband's real. He didn't deliver him watching TV. He doesn't like drum. We think I'd delete him in the first play off my fucking count. Right. But I haven't. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Tom. Yeah. My baby's kicking the shit out of me right now. Right. Tom. Yeah. I can't cut my own toenails.

Yeah. Are you going to cut them? Yeah. I can't bend over now. I can't touch my toenails. I just bite them. Well, I talked to, I knew a girl in high school. She said that when she was in like elementary school,

this is kind of weird. Yeah. Her friend's mother used to bite her and her friend's toenails. It's not weird. To clip them. You didn't do that? That seems like a really not normal thing to do. That's not normal.

I remember the two girls. It's gross. And when she told me, she was like, yeah. She was like, so-and-so's mom used to bite our toenails. How old were they? When the mom did it, when they were like in third and fourth grade. That's too old. I was, I'd picture like a baby, like maybe like a tiny baby

and cut, you can, you know, chew their nails. Yeah. But I don't know, it's too old. It's kind of weird. But seriously, will you give me a pedicure? 01:23:49,260 --> 01:23:50,460 Will you clean them? Yeah.

I have the file, I have the, I have everything. I can't wait until you're really old and you can't cut your own toenails and I have to take you to the doctor for it. My, I know, I know a couple of people that have done that relative. And he said, he said he went to get a pedicure and he goes, I don't normally let them get like that.

And they're like, it's okay. Yeah. And his dog's out. It's time for me to go. You want, I can just have the podiatrist come to the house if you want. Yeah. Because old people's toenails, they get real hard.

Yeah. They're not like regular people's toenails. They get long. And scraggly and hard. Yep. Well, like James, I think we got to go in here. Okay. You want to?

Oh yeah. It's a bummer. 01:24:41,740 --> 01:24:42,140 I know. Well, you know, guys, we didn't do our show last week, just because I had some bad news. My mom passed away. And so I kind of had to be dealing with death stuff,

which is not, it's not fun. It's a lot. Nobody tells you that there's a lot that needs to get done when the person dies. Like, we had to go to the mortuary, get her cremated. We had to go clean out our apartment and figure out what to do with stuff. It's horrendous.

So sorry, we just needed a week. I don't think you need to say, I'm sorry, James. No, but you know what I mean. I know you guys are like, where's the show? And, hey, I'm not being able to tell people right away. I'll say it for you, because I know, like you don't want to say it. You don't need to send Christina a bunch of emails about this.

She doesn't really want them. So sorry. Well, only because it's kind of fresh and I don't really want to be reading stuff about my mom just yet. Like, give me a minute. Give me a moment. Give her a lot of minutes.

Give me some time. But yeah, it's not to go through. It is, but she was very mentally ill. My mother was schizophrenic and very gone. So this was like, this was kind of, I've been waiting for this for a long time. And to be fair about that, you know, like, if, if you guys had had more of a relationship lately,

we wouldn't be doing the show even now. You know, yeah, no, I haven't spoken to her in like eight years. So kind of fucked up. Eventually, I will be able to talk about this on that steep row if you guys want to know more detail. But this is not the show to get into this horrible thing. Yeah. Which is, yeah, it's fucking weird, man.

It's weird. It was, it's a weird situation. But, uh, but we're good. I have my jeans with me and we're getting through it. We're getting through it. And my dad's here helping him too. So, so it's all good. Mommies.

Speaking of your dad. Yeah. Why don't we play the R pod song going out? Yeah. Okay. It's right here. A little homage. Cue it up to the R pod.

I love you, babe. And I'm glad we're together right now. I love you too, James. And I love all the mommies. Thanks for listening, guys. Thank you for listening, guys. So, um, yeah, we got to wrap it up. Thanks for understanding.

And, um, we'll talk, uh, we'll be back next week. Okay. All right. All right. Bye, jeans. Bye, jeans. I didn't see any white people. They were all blacks.

This is the place I should have been always. Detroit. Detroit. It's in Detroit. Detroit is your mecca. Because Canada is terrible. Canada is bullshit. It's too cold.

It's the best thing I've ever heard. Yeah, you don't want to live next to people like that. No. No, no. They ruin your life. They ruin your life. Sell me to gypsies. Sell me to gypsies.

Sell me to gypsies. Here you dumb, skinny wop. You can fucking explain this, right? Italians are really crazy. Yeah. That is so like ugly little babies. It's your texture. They may say, oh, she's so cute.

And you look at this. This is a monkey. Fuck off. Get the fuck out of here. Fuck off. Get the fuck out of here.