Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 308-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 9, 2015

Do you jerk your meats in public? Only if you work late night at a gas station. But don't do it if you are surrounded by glass. John Cranley update - when will he listen to our demands for a Cincinnatti fart memorial?? Steven Segal revelations, intense fart conversations and football. Have you implemented a thumbs up system in your house yet? I hope so!    

I'm back. Winnipeg on, wait, Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. That is a clip from the infamous Winnipeg bombing. And I'm coming back. I don't know why. I'm doing it again, man. I'm going in deep. You're a brave man.

I wouldn't go back, but I'm proud of you that you're doing it. You're going to face the demons. Facing the demon. I'm only going for a couple of shows. It's a mid-week show. No, no. I'm going to take her out. OK.

Holy shit. All right. I'll keep going. Winnipeg, I'm coming to rumors. It's official now. It's announced. November 11th and November 12th at rumors, man. I heard you were funny.

I'm coming to rumors again, where it all went down. Almost, it's almost two years. It'll be two years, I think. Anyways, I'm very excited. Yes, it'll be exactly almost two years to the day. I'm very pumped about it. I hope it's a crazy couple of nights. I'm going to redeem myself for the infamous bombing.

I have a couple other shows to announce or to mention. I'm very excited to have a bunch of one-nighters coming up. It all starts in Honolulu, Hawaii, September 11th. Yikes. I'm in Honolulu doing a show, Crossroads at Hawaiian Brines. I'm very excited about it. Looking forward to meeting all the people. They've been very nice online and looking forward to that show.

I got updates. I'm just straightforward with the shit. Charlotte, September 15th. There are just under 100 tickets left for that show. If you're in Charlotte this next week, you want to come, you should. Raleigh, the next night, there are 15 tickets left as of recording this.

Washington or Watch Me Come, Dick Come, as somebody told us. I'm still waiting on those numbers, but I know that's going to be a good turnout in Washington. St. Louis, the ready room, I was told has 25 tickets left. That's next week. Ventura, the week after, don't have an update on that. That's September 22nd. It's a Tuesday night.

And then the 24th, San Jose. I'm at the improv. The full charge is coming with me. That should be a fun night. I don't have an update on that. Two nights later, Christina and I, because Jean's and I are at the Ice House in the main room. First time ever we're doing the podcast in the main room,

the big room. We're really excited about the Saturday night show, prime time, 8 p.m. show, in Pasadena at the Ice House. Please come to that. I have been told that tickets are flying for Philadelphia. That is Helium, October 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. And then let's see. Mamiapolis, the next week, I usually

do Tuesday through Saturday. I'm only doing Thursday, Friday, Saturday. So 8, 9, 10. Love if you can make that to Mamiapolis. It's one of my favorite clubs in the country. And then I do a crazy Texas tour. Well, Texas and Oklahoma City. But it starts in OKC, Houston, Dallas, Austin, San Antonio.

Those were added later. I'm very excited about that. And I hit a few other dates. Birmingham, Alabama, Orlando, Tampa, and Fartlauderdale. Those round up right before I go to Romance. I heard you were funny. So I'm excited for all of it. I hope wherever you are in this whole map of the fucking

places I listed, you can make it to one of my shows. Jeans, of course, would be here emphasizing September 26 at the Ice House in Pasadena. But she's making bitsy take a shit. So the last thing I said was that you were taking bitsy to shit. But she didn't shit? No, just number one, it's both of them. I hope she doesn't fucking shit in here.

We should tell them this is the first time the dogs have been in studio, they've never been here before. I know, FIFA's coughing. It's too hot. And I know I can't leave them. I hate leaving them home that long. Me too, I don't like it either. I was going to plug.

That's deep, bro. This week, I have Kevin Christie on. And we talk about grief. Do you know Kevin Christie lost his dad in a freakish hiking accident? Yeah, I know, I know. It's so horrible. His dad was like a professional hiker

and went up one day when it was snowing and his foot got caught in a rock. And he disappeared for three days. It's the worst story ever. It's horrible. So how do you get over something like that? We're going to talk about that. That's great.

That's on the C-Pro. He's a great comic, great guy. So funny. And he's on that show, Masters of Sex too. You see that show? We watch that show with me sometime. Yeah, I've seen a few episodes. Good stuff, man.

So ended. Yeah, I hear that. God, I'm so fat and big. All right, Jeans. Is this what it's like to be obese? You're asking me as an obese man? Thank you. Thank you for the direct question.

Not you. Yes, it is. It's what I go through every day. Listen. I did. Yeah. Got a lot to get into today, Jeans. Oh my gosh.

You ready to do this? Yeah. All right. Let's party. Damn, it's crazy. You just got caught jerking off, man. Nah. Yeah, you just got caught jerking off, man.

I wasn't even jerking off. I caught you, man. I wasn't jerking off. I caught you, man. I wasn't jerking off. I got you. I'm recording you right now. I wasn't jerking off.

Man, the video seems different. You want me to play it back for you? I wasn't jerking off. I was just in my pants. You were jerking off, man. No, I wasn't. Look, if you think that's what's jerking off, I feel bad for you, man.

Hey, look, man. Hey, look, look, look, look. This shit is big time. Who is Ramsay? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. I like that. I got caught jerking. I got you got caught jerking off, man.

Yeah, I've seen so many guys. Jerk off. How many guys in your life have you seen jerking off? Like strangers in public, I would say at least six or seven. I saw a guy in a church in Mexico. You just got caught jerking off, man. Yeah, guys in cars. The access place I used to work at.

You told me the story for you. You told me about the Melrose thing. Yeah. It's only about the church thing. Yeah. And a couple other. And then last year it happened in our neighborhood on our street in front of our house. I was walking thief and I was just walking

and some dude had his fucking dog out in the car. Damn, it's crazy. You just got caught jerking off, man. Yeah. Yeah, you just got. And then didn't you say something about the you're supposed to laugh, right? Because the thrill for the public jerker. This guy's not.

This is a difference. I'll tell you what this scenario is in a second. But the thrill for the public jerker is somebody horrified. Yeah, they want you to be shocked and that's why they do it. They get off on that. So you mock them. Yeah. If you point and laugh, then it diffuses it.

Like they don't, they don't like that. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I know what you're saying. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So, but this guy was just like, is this like the beginning to a porno or something? Not at all. No, this is a guy in a gas station.

The gas station attendant and he's clearly at night. Yeah. He's holding his cell phone with one hand and he's, I guess he thinks he's alone. He's inside his pants with his other hand. He is jerking off. So he's playing with his dick and stuff. And then a guy's just filming him and that's this. Then he comes up and he's like.

You just got caught jerking off, man. The guy pulls his hand. He's like nah. You just got caught jerking off. He's filming him through the window. I caught you, man. I caught you, man. I got you.

I'm recording you right now. He's just totally lying when he's saying no. He was jerking off. But what better time to jerk off if you're like a gas station attendant in the middle of the night? And you was looking at your video and you're playing with your dick. It's so obvious what he's doing. It's in the middle of the night though, right? Yeah, it's very clear footage.

That's totally fine. I feel like that's totally worth it. Yeah, you just, he just needs a better, he just needs to plan out his jerk better. Right. He's done, you know, everyone's jerked off in a place you shouldn't have. Everyone, Tom. Yeah, you just need to, like you can't do it in a place with all windows. Right, dumb dumb.

Yeah. So he, but you could see him through the window. Dude, he's jerking off. He's playing with his dick. Here, let me show you. The problem went, he needs to conceal it better, dummy. Let's see him. Oh, what a dumb fuck.

Yeah, yeah, he's got, oh, he's got his hand in his pants. Yeah, he's playing with his dick. Yeah, so the problem is he's not concealed at all. At all? That's the problem, yeah. Yeah, dummy, you got to conceal your jerk. Damn, it's crazy. You just got caught jerking off.

Oh shit. And the guy jumps up and he's like, I'm not jerking off. Yeah, he got caught. That's got to be a mortifying video to have up of yourself. I'm sure it is. Yeah. And it's going pretty bad already for him. You know, he's doing the overnight shift at the quickie mark.

So it's not going that great. Right. This might be the last thing he ever watched. He might blow his brains out next week. That's pretty awful, dude. It'd be crazy if he jerked off to this video, which he could do. To have himself? Yeah.

Do you think a lot of people jerk off to videos of themselves jerking off? Probably not. I think people jerk off to their sex tapes, but to themselves jerking off, probably not. But I'm sure it happens. Someone's doing it right now. Somebody listens to this show for sure. Give us an email, yourmomspodcast at gmail.com, if you jerk off to videos of yourself jerking off. Let us know what that's all about.

What's that like? Yep. What's the allure? What's going on? What's happening in your life that that seems fun? Yourmomspodcast at gmail.com. Where's the weirdest place you've done it? Jerked off.

I remember as a kid, I'm not proud of this, but I jerked off in the car on family trips, like just under blankets and just would like move around, but I was just really jerking off. But nobody noticed. Hopefully nobody noticed. No one noticed. I got away with it good. I hope so. I hope your sisters haven't repressed that for years.

All right. It might be. And they're like, Tommy used to jerk off nice to me all the time. Yeah. I did that a few times. That was weird. So what happens with the stuff though? Well, at that age, it wasn't as much, you know?

Oh, right. You just shoot it right in the underwear. Yeah, it dries up. Got some crusty drawers for a while. It's pretty gross. Yeah, but everybody's gross at that age. You're age to be gross, I guess, especially boys. Yeah.

I'm trying to think of not so much girls. I have friends in college jerked off from the library. I was like, that's crazy. And yeah, you know, friends that jerk off at work. They tell me I was a jerk off at the shower at gym, like in their gym. And I'm like, that's all that's that almost seems that seems easier to me than I would never work off at the gym. I think that's cool.

I don't even shower at the gym because I find it so repulsive. It's so unhygienic. I knew a guy that jerked it in his cubicle at work. Do you really? I got caught. Did you ever go over there and give him a hand? Yeah. Yeah?

It's pretty hot. Of course, how he met. So he was like, hey, you need help with that? Can I help you with that? No, it wasn't an office I worked at. How'd you know this? This is a guy from college. It's the same guy who would jerk off on his own shit.

He would take a dump and then he would jerk off on the shower. And his wife caught him and was crying hysterically like, what is wrong with my husband that he jerks off on his own shit? And he's like, no, no, no, I do it just to save water. Like it's just, it's just something to be more economical. It's not the best argument for that. Do you think? I mean, I don't know.

I don't know. You don't think so? No, I've tried jerking off all taken a shit. I bet you have because then it's like a twofer. Yeah, I've done that before. And how'd that go? What's wrong with you? Well, it's your body doesn't.

You can't really shit and do that. I mean, you can get hard and stuff, but you can't really go the whole way. You can get hard and stuff. But you can get as hard as you want to get. You get hard, but. Yeah. You have like monkey. Go come on.

Another 10. Jump off on the other, on the other side. That's the female equivalent of jerking off while taking it down. Yeah. Yeah. That lady's probably rubbed one out while taking it down. Have you ever done that? No.

No. No. And it never occurred to me ever. How come? That's a normal, natural thing. I think for women, because those holes are, you're always screamed at to separate those holes. Like wiping and stuff is more delicate for us.

So that's really a no-no. Hmm. Yeah, it's not really something in the cards for me. Really? Nope. Seems like the thing that somebody would have done. Somebody's doing it right now. But it's not me.

But you didn't do it. No. No, that's not my thing. No. You never masturbated while taking a shit. Where's the weird? Like I'm the weirdo here. You are a weirdo.

Where's the weirdest place you've ever done that? Rub one out. You know, I don't, I'm pretty, I keep it normal. Yeah? I'm not as, I think with women it's, I don't know. I feel like I've contained it to normal place, like a bedroom. I like that. Anywhere else?

Hmm? The cubicle isn't working. I really like that. You've never done a network or you have? No. Where? Like at the desk. At the desk?

Stupid. You've never done that? No. No, not at the desk. Hmm. Yeah. So anyways, so you tried to drink awful shitting and then you just, what happened? You got a rag.

Yeah, you just, and then your body's like shuts down the shit chamber. Yeah, it's not really. Oh, it stops the dumps from happening. Kind of. Or like you're dumping and then like the valves for doing the bagarre kind of cut down. Yeah. But those, I haven't, I haven't done that in a long time. That's like high school stuff, you know?

I hope so. Yeah, high school. I got to come and shit. Well, maybe that's what this guy was thinking and the guy that came on his own shit. That's really, he must get some excitement out of seeing his shit though. Because otherwise, yeah, like if I'm looking at my turds, I'm not jerking off. It's really gross, man. I don't like looking at my turds.

It's not, because you usually try to find a cool visual to jerk off. So if you're looking at your turds. Your turds. You know? They're not sexy. It's those sex turds. No. Like I like to see, you know, something nice.

What if the turds were shaped like boobs? That's a whole, that's a really good question to ask actually. I've never. Our vagina. Yeah. Vaginal's made out of poo. Yeah, that's very exciting. What's on your face?

Vaginal secretions, vaginal blood, endometriosis, fibroid juice. Yeah, I love that guy. I hope he's doing okay. I hope the poly by gang is doing okay. You think about them? Yeah, I do. I've been thinking about them since we saw them last. I'm poly and I'm bi.

I'm poly and I'm bi. I am poly and I'm bi. Oh. It's very exciting. I'm proud to have come out as polyamorous. And now I'm excited to share that I'm bisexual. I'm excited to share. Yeah, I'm excited about it.

Why? Why share? So that my dad can know how my dick gets hard. Hey, dad, you want to know what makes my dick hard? Dad, you know I like to fuck, right? You asked me in the car on the way here if my asshole ever itches. Yeah. Wait, what was the exact question?

I feel like I'm not. No, I didn't say your asshole ever itch. I said, do you ever have days where your asshole just really itches? Yeah. And I feel like you thought I was asking you in that moment, like I'm telling you today is a day. So you're like, dude, you got to take a shower. And then I started to laugh because I felt like you were addressing the question as if

it was. Now. Yeah. And it's not. I was just asking you. Well, that's silly because why else would you ask that unless you were going through it? I don't know.

I just felt like that's so dumb. No, you're clearly going through it today. I'm not going through it. Yeah. Because you before we left the house, you were like, I just wiped. I used the baby wipes. I did that. I did do that earlier, but it wasn't a super itchy day.

It just felt gamey from being out. And then we were hot. Oh, because we were sweating. We were walking around hot. Yeah. But it wasn't a suit. I was thinking of those real itchy days. And that is why I go shit to shower because otherwise it's an entire day of itchy asshole.

I thought we were past this. I thought we were past this already. It's itchy asshole. It's never ending wipes all day. But I have to say now that I'm pregnant, I don't have as many. I haven't had an episode. I've actually only had one episode in the last three months of shit to shower. How does my asshole smell, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. I've just, my dumps have been firmer. Kind of, you know. By the way, for our, our listeners, I was on Joe Rogan's podcast yesterday. Right. Did you guys talk about the same stuff we just talked about? Yeah.

Itchy assholes. We talked about, we talked about some, some fart and asshole stuff. Yeah. It's episode 693. So check out your jeans. He's on Joe. Check out your jeans. He's on the Joe Rogan experience.

Did he ask about King Ashwiper? He didn't mention King Ashwiper, but it was, it's an issue. I mean, you know, he acknowledged him, you know? Yeah. Yeah, he acknowledged him. He wants to know. I mean, we, we don't know what's going on with that. I don't know.

And I feel lost. I feel like, I feel like there's never any, I don't have closure on Ashwiper. I just feel like as far as this reaches, like it's, you know, this, this net goes out pretty far when you, when you combine our show with Joe's show and the whole like the idea that nobody even can lock down on where this dude is. It's almost unbelievable to me. I agree. What you're saying is between our, all of our listener resources.

Yeah. That nobody knows this guy. Yeah. Nobody can get ahold of him or figure out some kind of thing. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's just silly to me. Like I'm looking at one of his, uh, at one of the videos called the fart God right

now. And the, one of the comments, thumbs up if Joe Rogan brought you here. So it's like, you know, like it reached out far, you know, like someone has to have seen this guy at the grocery store. Yeah, of course. Guys, if you know Ashwiper, could you please drop us an email at your mom's podcast at gmail.com. Your mom's podcast.

There's no house in the email. Please just let us know if you know this guy and what his deal is and why is he being so evasive? Like, it just, it doesn't seem fair. No, it's really upsetting that we can't get an answer. I just want to get an answer. Anyways, speaking of farts though, I've been enjoying a lot of involuntary farts. I have zero sphincter control now that I'm 26 weeks pregnant.

You don't, there's so much weight and your intestines are all jumbled that like I can't hold in the farts anymore. They just come out whenever they're going to come out. What's wrong? I just feel like that's crazy. What do you mean? That you're farting whenever you want. No, I feel like you're feeling a little peanut butter and jelly because that was your policy.

You just fart whenever you want. All right. Now I can do it too. But you're saying you're not even controlling it. I can't. I think I tried to during a massage and it was almost, like I, it took everything. Have you farted yet during a massage? Silently.

Really? Yeah. Smelly? Of course. No one said anything? No one did anything? No. You just pretend like, like in your head you're like, well maybe she'll think she did it.

She wasn't mortified? No. I think, I think massage therapists smell farts all day. Did you, did she say, she didn't say anything though? No. Was it recent? No. This is like years ago.

Oh, okay. No. I can hold them in like if I really, really, really try. I've told the line. I don't think that I haven't. Tell the line. Yeah. I've really, I've been right there and I've been like sinking into that, you know, to

the, to the donut your face is in. And then all of a sudden you go panic, you feel your eyes like, oh my God, this fart's going to come out right now. Yeah. Because you're so relaxed. And then the fart goes right to the tip of your asshole. Yeah. You write that like you barely have time.

And they're pushing on you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot. It's a lot of farted during your mom's asses. I've really, really come close. I've come and I've like, I'm sure they've seen it because my butt cheeks will go like

to close. Right. Do you, but I think that's just me. That's just us thinking that because I'm squeezing my anus, not my actual cheeks. Well, yeah. But I mean, I'm sure there's some effect on the cheeks. I'm sure. Yeah.

Of course. You're like, oh God. Cause I feel like this comes out. This is over. You know, it's not like, oh, you'll stick it or that. Yeah. It's an alarm. Like let's shut this down.

But now I just fart. Like we were at the store the other day getting like cribs and stuff. And I was just farting there. Just like, well. Just farting. What am I going to do? I don't give a shit. I fart a lot.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Do you fart in front of your therapist? My, no, but my philosophy basically is like, if I fart and you got a problem, I'm like, make a branch and get over it. You know?

You got a problem with it? You got a problem with it? It's like, make a branch and get over it. She said it right that time. Make a mess. Hey, get out of there. Look, she's, she's got like wire on her neck. No dummy.

Hold on. The dog is going to choke herself on these wires. Get back. Fucking momos. Oh my God. Get out of here, stupid. Jesus Christ. But I wanted to mess up your show.

Yeah, you little shit. Can I mess it up, please? Yeah, you do. You mess everything up. But I love. Can I chew on the court? Yes. Can I poop on this?

All day, every day. Can I poop here? Speaking of... You look like you're having fun. Rubbing your cooch at work. Can I ruin it? Uh, here's somebody testifying in court saying vagina a lot. Okay.

JJ is vagina. Vagina word. Snitchy or snooky or cookie or something. Vagina. Boobs ass. Vagina. Your vagina was very nice. Vagina.

I don't think any man's going to say I don't like the vagina. Vagina, vagina. Of course you're going to say I like the vagina. Any man's going to say I like the vagina when asked. Vagina. She took her pants off in front of them. You see the little vagina right in front of you. Men appreciate, some men appreciate the sight of a vagina even.

The sight of a vagina is nice. There you go. Wow. Can't disagree. That was neat. Vagina montage or do you prefer the China montage? This is Donald Trump in everything he's done in public for the last couple months. How many times he mentions China?

China. China. China. China. China. China. China. You go over to China.

China. China. China. China. China. China. China. China.

You take China. China. World. China. China. China. China. I have to have my China.

China. Because China. China. China. China. China. china. China.

China. China. China. China. China. China. China. China.

China. China. China. China. You want to buy from China, that's great. Buy from China, buy toys from China, China in particular. China. China.

I have people that I know in China. China. China. China. China. China. China. China.

China. China. China. China. China. China. China. China.

China. China. China. China. China. China. China. China.

China. China. China. China. China. China. China. China.

China. China. China. China. China. China. China. China.

China. China. China. China. China. China. China. They say I don't like, China.

I love China. People say I don't like China. I love China. China. China. China. I love China. I know China.

I like China's China. China's the new China. China's the new China. If you like China, I like China. I like China. China. China. This is stupid.

I love that stuff. It's so juvenile. He's such a nice whole. He's super annoying. Is he done yet? Are we done? No. Paying attention?

No. He's still doing his thing. It's exhausting. It's exhausting. I know we're too tight today. Really? I didn't choose a good pair. Yeah.

You know you don't choose a good pair and then your whole day is ruined. Oh, yeah. Sort. No, I'm really. You know what? Yeah. Because it happened to me yesterday. Which pair?

It was a gap pair. You know, I buy a lot on the road. I'll get somewhere like fucking on my underwear and I'll go buy and you know, you don't try it on. You just get it and you're like, these aren't good. Those suck. They really, by the way, I'm not saying it's because they're our sponsor, but that really is.

That really is why I like the the me and stuff because those really are seriously they are the best. Yeah, they really are. It ruins. It ruins. It ruins your experience to have. Why are you whispering into the microphone? I don't know.

I had a mental problem. Yeah. They can still hear you. It's a microphone. You're like, I don't know why I'm tired. Okay. I'm tired. I wait.

I can't sleep a lot of night. I'm tired. Here's the little dog. Hi. I didn't realize what we were doing. We got this thing. Oh my God. This fucking dog.

So crazy. She's a torturer. Yeah. She just tortures. It really is excusable because she's cute. I know. Everything she does is excusable. That's the only reason she's still alive.

You know, I don't know though. She's a handful, a handful, but I can't imagine like getting rid of her or something. Oh my God. No. When my dad did that, he got two puppies. I remember those dogs. They were so fucking cute too. That's the thing is he got really cute puppies.

Yeah. What is it? Maltese. Yeah. He got two Maltese puppies. Two boys. Yeah. Brother Maltese and Maltese.

Yeah. Two siblings. And he had it. He had them together for like a year, right? And then he's like. Not quite a year I don't think. Like six months. Yeah.

And then he was like, ah, can't do two dogs. So he just gave one away to some Asian lady he found on Craigslist. Like just some stranger, you know, not that she's Asian at that matter, but like just some asshole on Craigslist. Like you don't know this person. And then. You want a dog? You want a dog.

And then, um, yeah, six months later it was like, ah, this puppy is so annoying. He's following me around all the time. Yeah. That was his big thing. He's always following me around. Always following me around, wanting attention. Ah, I gave it away. I mean, what?

What? And he gave away the second one again to like some person on the internet, like, okay. That is ice cold. Ice. I'm surprised he didn't give me away when times got tough. You must have been annoying. Oh, of course. All the time.

Wanting to eat stuff. Yeah. Wanting education. Wanting to play all the time. Oh yeah. I heard a lot go play on the freeway. A lot of that growing up. Hmm.

Is that good for a kid? Totally good. Talk to my therapist. Awesome. It's good. It's good every week. Freeway is good to play on, right? Yeah.

It's good to be here. It's good. It's good for kids' development. Yeah. That's a nice way of saying fuck off. Yeah. Yeah. That's great.

Well, I mean, look, anybody can be a parent. We took a maternity tour of our hospital for where I'm going to deliver. And I got to say, out of the 10 couples we saw, maybe five should be qualified to have kids. Maybe five. Of course, we're basing this off of just looking at them. That's all you need to know. I don't know why you, I don't need more information.

I would say the guy in the Dodgers gear, all Dodgers had to tell. His mouth was hanging open. The whole time. And one eye was half closed. The whole time. The entire tour. Oh. Oh.

Oh. There's a dad, a future dad. Yeah. And he's too young. That's the thing. When you're, here's the thing. When you're about to have a kid, you start zoning in on shit like that more. You're like, oh, this person is going to.

Raise a person. Right. And their genetic bullshit is going to be in the world genetic and their behavioral bullshit. Oh my gosh. That guy looked like two brain cells. He looked hung up. They're super.

It was 11 in the morning on a Sunday. So he had just woken up from being hung over. Yeah. He was, he was beat down. The woman didn't look too bright either. They weren't the brightest candles. They were very, um, emotionless. Yeah.

Like just kind of, uh, I like to have a baby here. Uh, uh, uh, we're not, I get the baby, then. So later. And then there's the other couple where the girl was clearly really young too. And she had the painted on eyebrows, painted on eyebrows, which is always a sign the things aren't OK on the inside. You probably shouldn't have children.

Yeah, that's not good. And her, her bow wasn't that bright either. He looked like he was dumber than a bag of hammers. No questions, everything that you can tell the, all the like moderately intelligent people in the tour asked at least one question at least. Yeah. Everybody else was like, huh? It's like, it's like school when you're a kid, like kids who are like, you have any questions?

Uh, uh, what did we just talk about? Oh, no, like that's, and then the kids like, I have a question. That's the smart kid. Well, and you wonder why the nurse giving the tour with over explained things, she's like, this telephone next to the bed is to call the nursing station. Yeah. And then there'll be a code next to the witch nurse. So what, depending on your issue, you'll see it on the board here. We're like, who the fuck are you talking to?

Like then we looked around the room like, oh, yeah. Because then some guy was like, what's that light for? He's like, well, that used to be the call button so that the nurse knew. But now we use the telephone, like I said, and you dial four numbers. And like, of course, that's why you have to talk to me like that. The number will correlate to the name next to the number. Okay. Yeah.

I definitely think if you get, if you're going to have a child that you have to pass an IQ test of some kind and be of some socioeconomic stat, just, just like make enough money to support the kid and you, well, that's cool. What's in her mouth now? I think the game with this puppy is what's, what's she chewing now? What you're saying is, you know, let's start having, let's stop having poor kids. I like that. Yeah.

Do you want to grow poor? Nobody wants to grow poor. It's the worst. And let's take that away from the poor and dumb kids too. I don't want any more dumb people. No more dumb and no more poor. You don't have to be even, you know, super smart. Just we've got enough Dodger's fans, right?

Are there enough fans in the world? There's, there's enough, there's enough guys with pickup trucks with the, is that plastic you're eating now? The sticker with the little kid peeing on something. Where is she? I don't even see. Oh, fuck. Sick.

I think it's plastic. Hey. Yeah, it's a piece of plastic. Should we just let her die? I feel like there's always something in her mouth. I pulled a rock out of her mouth, twigs, plastic. The dog, all the dog does. She lives to just eat shit on the floor.

It doesn't matter what it is. She barfed yesterday on the rug and I was like, well, thank God, at least she's not digesting, digesting whatever's poisoning her. Yeah. Constantly, do all puppies just eat everything? Yeah, they're puppies. They're dumb. Yeah.

They're dumb, like people. Like babies, babies are stupid. They don't know what to do. That's the one thing they don't tell you. They don't tell you that your baby is a really stupid person. They need you to do it. Actually, it actually, I think it's why stupid people have a lot of babies is because they go, I'm smarter than this thing.

And so it makes them feel smart. You think so? Yeah. So you see like dummies, then they have like 11 kids. Like, why? Like, because every time I have one, I'm the smartest again. That's why they like to boss something around and be way smart. They don't even know how to get nothing stupid.

And like, yeah, it's a baby. Babies are stupid. Babies are fucking stupid. Can't even hold nothing. You don't think it's like in raising Arizona where he's like, she want another baby because she wanted something to snuggle. That's of course. Yeah, something to love.

I think people have a lot of kids because they want to cuddle stuff too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right? Yeah. They want to, or like when they have a lot, they want to check out from life. It's a good way to not deal with life. How many kids you got?

Nine. Oh, yeah? Yeah. How's life? I don't know. I hate myself. Got all these kids. Yeah, just a full-time mom building my life is being a beauty.

Yeah, you can't use the religious excuse anymore. That's way too stupid. Yeah, well says with the Bible that, you know, not that it's bad to be a full-time mom. I shouldn't know. You're not, but I'm saying like, if you're just all you're doing, you know, it's like, so this is kind of big. Um, but I think, you know, in the past, I've told you that Jesse has a problem

with condoms. He just doesn't have any sensitivity. Yeah. So what are you going to do? Choosing to fluid bond with someone other than your primary. It's a big deal, right? I'm going to fluid bond with Jesse. Jesse?

Jesse? I love how, first of all, this asshole, Jesse has convinced her that he's the only guy on the planet that doesn't like the very condoms feel. I hate it. It's the first time we had sex without a condom. And it was awesome. Yeah. Of course it's awesome.

No, no, they're so gross, stop it. Of course. They're so gross. That's the grossest. The dudes are the grossest. Yeah. Well, dude, they're, she's gnarly though. What's her name?

Sage. Is it? I don't know why it's tall as the guy. So she's sage. I think we made up sage. Oh, I don't think that's a real name. Well, say I'll call her Sage. Yeah.

So gross, dude. She's, she's kind of a grody girl. Yeah. She's just, they're all disgusting. Yeah, they're gross people. It's a grody. Of course. We were watching real sex from the night, like the old school.

Yeah, those are the best. That was the best, dude. Well, is that one where it's just like a circle jerk group in Norma, California, where guys get together and rub their dicks. Yeah. And they're like. Most guys, like, I don't think they would even come to a, like a, a workshop like this, where they have to be without their clothes on.

Like these, and then it was clearly like gay guys. Clearly. Clearly. And it's like, it's run by a gay guy. There's gay guys there. And then they kept cutting to guys who were participating. Who were like, uh, my wife was really excited that I came here. And then he looked around like, oh, yeah.

And the spokesman was like, this is going to help you with your sex life with your wife or your girlfriend. And none of those dudes had a wife or girlfriend or if they do, they're like, uh, I guess when my wife watches this, she'll find out. I mean, the other things too. I want to send you there so bad. Yeah, do you? Well, they didn't say the name of the retreat.

And you know, there's different ways you can jerk off. I call this one the twist and shout. This one's called all around America. They were throwing each other up in the air naked. Or remember the touching where he's like, they're like smacking each other. He's like, and he has a blindfold. He's like, I want you to take my pants off now. I'm not participating in that bullshit.

You know what it is? It's not even the homosexuality. I think what it is is like those people are so overly sensual and just gross about it. Like fucking say every, like you have to talk about all the time. You have to like, I don't want to know your fucking fucking nipples. Touches nipples. They're just so they're just creepy.

Right? That was such a creepy thing to watch. Yeah. Yeah. Put your hand on your lover's heart chakra and you're like, oh my, I'd throw out and they're all like, whatever. It's all actually what bothered me about that is that they didn't call it a gay retreat, which is what it was, which is fine.

But then these guys are like, my girlfriend, she's really happy that I'm here. Like, uh-huh. You fucking liar. My wife, she thinks that I'm with friends. Yeah. I am with new friends. Friends for life after this weekend. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. Okay. All right. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Man, that hell knows song. We've had it in the house now. Mm hmm. I'll sing it for a day and then I'll stop and then you'll start singing it and then I'll start singing it again. It just won't stop.

It's so catchy. But it's so hateful. That's the way you learn though. This is a great point. This is why you don't want to know everything about your, your favorite artists and that when you do, you sometimes excuse it. If you like what they put out. Yeah.

So what you're saying is for this guy, we don't need to know that he hates gay people. I'm just saying that like it doesn't make it not catchy. Oh, you go like, you go like this guy's a fucking, you know, hate for whatever. And then you're like, it's pretty catchy song. It's good song. Yeah.

It was like Michael Jackson. He upset a lot of people and they're like, he's a pedophile. Like, have you heard fucking Thriller? Thriller's pretty awesome. Pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. True story.

R Kelly. I just definitely is pissing on a fucking 15 year old girl. So he has for like 20 years. Guy makes great music and people go, well, great music. Well, I think everything but Bill Cosby. I think now people, I think Cosby's the one exception. One of the, yeah. Well, you can't really go enjoy his standup anymore.

You can't, you know, and if you watch it and you, if you were to watch him now, like even an old tape, I think it would not be as funny to you. Yeah, it's done. It's kind of done. I feel dirty about it now. I mean, there's some people that probably still do, but I'm saying that number is definitely small. Those people are crazy.

Yeah. That's pretty crazy. It's so weird that song, cause he's like, we're barbecue in and loving life. And then he's like, and then on the weekends, people doing all the shit. And you're like, then he starts judging everybody in congregation. That's what he's doing, right? Well, I mean, in that particular verse, he's just saying he's, he's, I think he's just telling you the, the life of a preacher.

He's saying like Saturday or whatever, Sunday morning, all the people come in here, the drug people and the drunk people and the sex people. And they ask for forgiveness. And then Monday, they're right back at it. Yeah, that's just, that's just, that's the congregation he's saying, you know. So he's kind of judging these people. Yeah. I think he's just reporting.

He's just saying this is what happens. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. It's in her mouth now. Oh, come on. There's something else now. What is that?

Is that a leaf? What the fuck is that? The bandaid? She, she gets stuff that I didn't know was in the room. Everything that she's had, I'm like, where was that? I didn't know where that was. Well, cause we did a pickup. We picked up stuff before she came here and she's such a fucking asshole.

Yeah. She's an asshole dog. Hell no. No, no, no, no. You're still into it. Yeah, it's pretty good stuff. Wow. Um, speaking of that crazy talk, have you seen that there's a news report where

a man, there's a fire at a building that he talked about his ribs in the news report? Really? You haven't heard this? No. Okay. Hold on. Man, this is rubber, right? R-O-B-E-R-T W-R-I-G-H-T.

Tell me what happened wrong. Oh man, it all went down, man. I stayed right next door, man, from the thing that happened, man. I was barbecuing, man. I was barbecuing, man. I've seen some fire just come out of the window, man. I wouldn't have busted out, man. Only thing I think first, man, make sure the ribs is right.

I ran them when I got my family, man. Brung everybody out safely, man. I carry everybody out myself, man. You know what I mean? Keep this PG up. Everybody myself, man. I did that. Feel me?

You got kids and older people out here. Yeah, I got my kids first thing. I got my kids and I thought about my ribs. Like I ain't gonna let my ribs burn and stuff. He's holding ribs during the interview. A whole rack of ribs. I get it. Like there's, it's, this is in the news.

Can't get it. Yeah, they look good. They look amazing. Yeah. I take pride in what I do, man. Like three o'clock in the morning, I was hungry, man. I was like, man, put them ribs on there, man. Some hot leeks and stuff, man.

We got it going and stuff, but I left over, man. The fire was bursting out, man. I was like, man, this is crazy, man. Real crazy, man. Let me get my kids up out of the situation, man. That's all I know. You feel me? And I'm from the Bay Area, man.

You know, I'm located in the Bay Area and you feel me? I hear it now, but you're from the Bay, man. They call me West Oakland, man. You know, but I'm going to keep things going, man. Keep going, but it was frantic, man. It was real serious out there, man. It was real serious, man. But yeah, man, I'm going to enjoy this barbecue, though, man.

Have a good night, man. Hopefully they put us in the motel, man. You know what I mean? Because I ain't trying to come out the park because they owe me. And they owe me for that one. You feel me? You get that? You get the injuries yourself?

I do. Did I get the injuries? Yeah, you did. Oh, and I ain't getting no injuries and stuff. Except for all the smoke in my lungs and stuff. I've already had smoke in my lungs, so I'm all right. It's a good guy. Yeah, he's really into his ribs.

I don't blame him. Well, I think he saved people, too. Oh, yeah. Right. Well, the ribs are, that's what I heard. What'd you have last night for dinner? Ribs. At Houston's.

Yeah. Which I fucking love their ribs. Yeah, that's good ribs. I'm all about the barbecue sauce. I stopped eating Carl's Jr.'s because my doctor said I got extra fat last month. I can't get, I got to slow it down, basically. And I took the diabetes test for gestational diabetes. I don't have the sugar, so I'm super stoked about that.

I'm going to keep eating those ribs. Yeah. Try to lay off the Carl's Jr.'s, though. You beat the sugar. Man, I was convinced because they made me take the three hour test, the advanced test, because I failed the first one. And I was like, this is it, dude. They're going to have to cut my toes off.

Be diabetic from now on. I did a, I wrote a song, I wrote a song, rap song with my old group called barbecue sauce and bitches. I'll have to, I remember this title. Barbecue sauce and bitches. I do it for the bitches. Remember that song? I do a little bit.

Yeah. Yeah. That was sexual assault. You get, okay. Are you going to bring this back? Uh, I think so. I want to get in the booth again. You know, I got inspired because this young kid, um, like his name is Slim Jesus.

And he's a white boy and he, he's spitting some, some verses right now. You want to hear? I'd love to. Okay. I fuck with savages. You a fuck boy. You can't hang. You can find me, post it up on Frank Block on my fucking gang.

You ain't really bousy. He's like 10 years old. Yeah, he's so young. He's pretty good, right? I don't know. We're about to get into it. It's going to drop again right here. He's the crazy white boy of the group.

Obviously. Okay. I fuck with savages. You a fuck boy. You can't hang. You can find me, post it up on Frank Block on my fucking gang. You ain't really boush. Stay out my spot.

Don't speak my name or I pull up in your block at night wearing all black and let that 40 bang. I fucked your girl and I ain't even try that little hoe. She a fucking thought got her off the Molly. Now she roll in all she good for is giving time. I got a loud pack. I got school buses. Hurry up.

I just feel like I could compete with this, you know, I feel like you're way better than this guy, you know, this slim Jesus. He ain't saying shit to what he's not talking about. Nothing. He's saying how hard his group is and right representing. He's fucking my girl, you know, right? But I feel like you're you've got way more to give. I feel like too.

I mean, barbecue sauce and bitches as a theme song is just, you know, it's just like, wait a minute, but this is you and I have a song. Do you like barbecue like I like barbecue? That's a totally different, totally different genre of music, though. Right. But I feel like there's some overlap and, you know, I don't mean to. And, you know, barbecue sauce and bitches is like old school, you know, it's like an old, old, you know, it's it's it's just about it's about that good life.

Okay. Our song is is like a it's almost a folk song. I mean, it's like, you know, it's like a love song, like a sunny chair kind of. Do you like barbecue like I like barbecue? I do like barbecue like you like barbecue. Cornbread and ribs, bacon in the oven now. Biscuits and gravy is so tasty. Chicken wings and dick tips, everything you like.

Take that corn cob and shove it up my ass now. What? Hold on. What? Wait. Okay. That's how it goes. You know, of course I'm doing the song.

That's how you're supposed to do it. Beef, brisket, cornbread, apple pie. It's all good. Punch my nipples and dip them in gravy. All right. Take that cornbread and spread it on my asshole. Cut your tits off and dip them in the frying. There you go.

There you go. Rub those grits upon my bald balls now. And then you're supposed to go like six black guys and they're all going to fuck me. Wait, wait, wait, what? And then there's a whistle part. Yeah, like sitting on the dock. Yeah. Do you like barbecue like I like barbecue?

I do like barbecue like you like barbecue. It's a great song. Well, I like it too. I mean, if it doesn't, if it doesn't cross paths with barbecues and bitches, I mean, I mean, you know, you know, those two songs and then it's like coming shop, I got a big 40 with a 30 clip and I call that bitch my fucking mom. Hey, 350 for a Fendi belt and that double left hold up my strap. A lot of y'all just Twitter flex for this shit ain't just a fucking rap.

I hear one dissing. Oh, yeah, is that good rap? No, what's happening? No, the dog's fucking pulling cords. God damn her. Worse. Wait, do you think this is good raps? No. Oh, it's not. It's like empirically, it's a I mean, look, he's a kid.

This is a kid. It's not bad for a kid doing stuff. He's like, he looks like he's like 15 or something. You know, I don't want to be like, fuck this kid, but, you know, it's not good. It's all right. Was I? Yeah. He'll be like, yo, man, come say that shit in my neighborhood. I'll be like, dude, I'll make you eat your fucking teeth. OK.

Get out of here. Well, get out of here. He's trying. Can I update you on the John Cranley stuff? Bits. She's still fucking chewing shit. Yeah. We should kind of remind people what happened.

Why don't we run and what happened and then what the, you know, what the response was? Like, could you fill people in? Sure. So Tom and I went to Cincinnati for his cousin's wedding and he came back after I had been laying down for a while. So I had kind of had a nice fart building and we were by the door and I let out essentially what was the longest best fart I've ever had in my life. That is no

bullshit. And that is there's no other way really to describe it. It's like what you just described is what happened. Yeah. And we've just got to deal with it, you know. Oh, my gosh. Deal with it or celebrate it. I feel like celebrating is what we what we're doing.

Yeah, we took it we took it a different route. Oh, my gosh, which is to be like, oh, my gosh. It was a big fart and it's the biggest fart you've ever let pretty much. I think I would arguably yes. I agree with you. And so we have asked our listeners to tweet the mayor of Cincinnati to commemorate it. Because it occurred in Cincinnati. Yeah.

We want people to tweet the mayor of Cincinnati, John Cranley and ask him if he will commemorate it and build perhaps a memorial to the Cincinnati fart. Right. Yeah. So this one, this is pretty funny. At Fartichoke Jones tweeted John Cranley at John Cranley, would you rather have a million dollars or the Cincinnati Fart Memorial?

Trick question, only a fart can give relief. That's a great. It's great. Yeah. The next one he writes, John Cranley, have a heart and remember the fart. Build the Cincinnati Fart Memorial. Yep. Mm hmm.

Yeah, cleaner, cleaner fucking. Sorry, I just, you know, John Cranley, this is from at Garrett Herter. Please consider commemorating the historical Cincinnati Fart. It was a truly special event that touched many lives. Hey, they're my used panties. Wave. That's you. That's me.

Yeah. John Cranley, this is from Tony Dube. Please honor the Cincinnati Fart produced by the great Christina P. Thank you. That's true. Yeah. Um, from at M. Pancon headed to Asheville, North Carolina,

stopped by ground zero Cincinnati to speak directly to the mayor. It's pretty good. It's good stuff, man. And, you know, we highly encourage it. You know, we highly encourage it. Like keep them coming. I mean, maybe he'll get some sense in his fucking brain. Have a heart and remember the fart.

And you can also tweet at City of Sincey. So that's the that's the official Twitter account of the city of Cincinnati. At City of Sincey, C-I-N-C-Y. And John Cranley is J-O-H-N-C-R-A-N-L-E-Y. I really just want them to acknowledge us right now. I feel like we're being totally ignored. Yeah. And I feel like if they want this to go in another direction,

maybe just could you just acknowledge us a little bit? You know? Oh, yeah, I'm just I'm just looking for, like, what's the sense in any fart from him? Yeah. Maybe just some kind of credit. Are you an old Indian man? Yeah, my stepdad used to clear his throat. It's just, you know, it's flimmy.

OK, it's a pregnancy thing. Yeah. Also, in other moms house related news, we got a tweet from at Braun Corrater, Hader, I don't know what this is, he tweeted, both of us. I taught my kids one thumb up, two thumbs up. My wife, my wife isn't really happy about that. I encourage everybody to start teaching their children, their animals, whatever you have, your friends, your parents.

That I got to say, who's that from? Hold on. This is from a guy named Andre at Bronco Rater, Hader. Oh, yeah. You know that guy? Yeah, sure, man. He's been active with us for a while. Congratulations.

I'd like to know more how old the kid is and maybe details of how upset your wife is. That would be pretty great to hear. I like to, yeah, I'm really curious about the wife's reaction. I think that's really fun. And for those of you that are maybe a little lost, it's pretty much there you go. Right there was a burp. That's one thumbs up and then one thumb up, sorry. And then

if it happens to go in the other direction and you're blessed to have a fart come out, you give two thumbs up, right? Two thumbs up. Why? Why? Because farts are awesome. And I it's a fun game you can play with your friends, your significant others in

public, you know, you'd be like two thumbs up and then you let that person know you just farted. Right. Two thumbs up and they're like, oh, and then they're like, right. And then they'll probably give you two thumbs up back. Yeah. Why? Because they know that farts are awesome too. Well, we had a neat time.

You were on the escalator behind me today going up and I farted. I thought for sure you'd smell it, but you didn't. I'm a little disappointed. Do you think in this, we're in our studio is in an office building, a very professional office building. Anyone else is having this conversation in the other offices? Do you think the accountant or the lawyer or the shrink or anything? But maybe the shrink's office has some fart conversations.

Probably. Yeah, definitely. Well, we're a popular show for a reason. Here's a good tweet from at Ruthie Too Cool. She asks a very poignant question. Yeah. How many thumbs up for a queef? Oh, I'm glad it came from a lady.

Right. It shows me it's authentic, you know. Yeah, it's genuine concern. Well, first of all, you only have two thumbs. So I mean, it can only be one or one or two. I mean, unless you alternate or you do a blinker, I'm going to go for four thumbs up. So you go like this. You do a double twos, right?

So yes, yes, that's for a queef. That's a pretty good. What do you think? Oh, yeah, I'm a pussy talking to you now. That's the ultimate response for a queef. That is, yeah. I would say, first of all, to say what she said, because that is the best response to queefing, you know.

Oh, yeah, I'm a pussy talking to you now. That and then. But maybe you're not in a position to pull a hand up. Yeah, that's a really good point. Hands down, hands behind your head. Hands are holding. Maybe your hands are holding your ankles. You could have your thumb up someone's butt already.

Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, we're just going to have to marinate on this one. This is not an easy answer. I guess not easy answer. Yeah, Tasha, I think is her name. But I'll tell you this, I would tell her this. Yeah, keep queefing.

Yeah, don't let anybody stop you from queefing. Yeah, yeah. Tommy, I got this piece of business to from Twitter. This is like, oh, this is IMDB page. I thought I'm going to let you read it. OK, so ridiculous. I know you love Stephen.

Oh, shit, my boy. Let's see, Stephen Segal. This is his official bio on IMDB. It says Stephen Segal is a striking and somewhat boyishly handsome looking, often with a ponytail and usually impeccably dressed action star who burst onto the martial arts film scene in 1988 in the fast paced Warner Brothers film above the law.

Can you even wrap your head around how heavy of a statement that is? And he can oversee what goes up on his IMDB page? Oversee, he wrote it. So, of course. I am the king of improv, if you'll forgive my saying so. It's so obnoxious. So embarrassing. I mean, yeah, he had to read that.

I was like, yeah, that sounds good. Do you think they probably said, like, hey, we submitted your bio and he was like, what's it saying? It said, like, Stephen Segal is a handsome actor who has appeared. And he was like, could you add a little bit? Boyish.

First of all, striking to call yourself striking. Striking is basically means that people stop what they're doing. OK, you're striking. I was walking and then I had a pause because this person was... Yeah, like Brad Pitt at his prime is striking. Right, that's strikingly and somewhat. And then it's like, well, don't just make me striking. Also, make me approachable.

Somewhat boyishly handsome looking and then in parentheses, often with a ponytail and then to add usually impeccably dressed. He dresses like an asshole. Well, he's always wearing the geese and stuff. Look at the picture of him in that. He's wearing like his Buddha beads from the Buddha nature. He's so crazy. And that stupid Eddie Monster,

died jet black, jet, jet, jet black, the darkest black out of his fucking mind. He's a crazy person. He's a total crazy person. Also believes that I have insight into the culture, the heart of Russia. And yeah, do you have any? I mean, about like when the CIA, when you got what did the CIA tell you? The last time I asked the CIA to provide me with people and answers, they gave me people and answers that

answered my questions the way they wanted it to be answered. OK, wow. That's I mean, that's not how you treat Seagal. You shouldn't do that. It's crazy. So crazy. He's I'm being serious here. What is what is happening? Do you think he's just delusional?

Of course, he's highly delusional. Yeah, I think what happened to is that he's there's a few people like this. Where their first few projects in in like entertainment were huge success. Is sure. I mean, his movies were really successful. You know, for for their time and what they were, like he came out of nowhere and was like an action star immediately. I think that fills up your head and especially

because he came from a fighting background where he could really fight. And then you realize that your star dropped. No one wants to see your movies, but you have that the ego is just it's too massive. It is a massive, massive ego. And you want to be respected still? You want to be a star? You want you like the admiration?

It's natural. It's normal. But then he took it to a level where he's like, I do a million things. I can sing the blues. I know I know the law of a police officer, the police. When he was a police officer on that show, it's the craziest thing ever. It's the crazy Louisiana. Yeah. And now in Arizona, he's a police officer. Shut the fuck up. Yes, he is.

Mm hmm. Why? Because he has to like God, it's the distraction. It's the whole in the skies. Oh, holy shit. The whole in this guy's heart. Enormous and emotional psyche is so big. He's so damaged.

The Buddha nature is unbelievably damaged. This guy's got to be washing the dishes real fast. What's the bet? That's his kung fu, his origin story. That might be the most underrated audio clip ever. Yeah, I agree, because it takes a little build. I agree. It's not a quick one. It's not like it takes a second.

But if you really think about what he's saying now, he's being asked, how did you get started in martial arts? And he's like, I lied to get a job early. So first it's building that myth. The lore. Yes. Of like, you know, I joined the Marines at 13 just because I wanted to fight. It's like, I lied to get a job. Like, that's how much I wanted to work and needed to work.

He's so special. And then a guy there saw how fast I wash dishes and was like, this kid's pretty fast. I mean, he's describing a bad like a cliche martial arts movie. Yes, he's describing like a karate, a worse than karate kid, karate kid. Well, it's wax on, wax off. It is like, yeah, wax on, wax off. It's Mr. Miyagi teaching you to stand the deck. And he's like, oh, he saw me standing the deck.

And I was like, he's just kicking really standing the deck, all that food from the dishes are all gone. He was so fast. Well, actually, I started studying karate at a very young age. I sort of lied about my age and got a job watching dishes at a restaurant. I think it was called the wagon wheel or something like that. And

there was a cook there, because back then in America, you didn't really have dojos around. You didn't have people teaching kung fu and Korean arts and Chinese and Japanese. So he just didn't have it. They were all sort of underground or quietly teaching. And one of the cooks there was a guy called Sakamoto Sensei. And he was a shodokan guy and an Okinawan shodin guy. And he saw that when I was watching the dishes and moving around that I moved

very fast and loved the martial arts. And one of the other he saw that I moved very fast. It's such bullshit. As you did the dishes. Well, he also changed his accent for this interview. He must have been being interviewed by an Asian person. No, you don't know who's who's being interviewed. No, he's being interviewed by my boy, Michael Shavallo.

Yeah, here. He's been interviewed by the voice. This is the guy who's interviewing him. Minus is relaxed here. Oh, minus minus flattened out. There is a cut on minus. But he is talking. Minus getting beaten on.

He's talking like he has foreign accent syndrome. Yeah, I have a not actually heard them on voice and for three years now. Yeah, he's sound like he for an accent syndrome. Yeah, Michael, he's a great guy. It's the voice. The voice minus minus is relaxed here. Yeah, he has a cut on minus. He has the voice, I think a voice versus.

Yeah, I'm going to play this for you. OK, this is how it starts just so you can hear it. But yeah, he he accommodates whoever's in front of him always, always. This is Access TV. When he was in Louisiana, then he was like, what's up? It's like I'm a kind of down. I'm a grits and kind of guy. Yeah, of course.

And then there was the black people who's like, what's up? Hey, boy. Yeah. Yeah, he's like, oh, yeah, that kind of fool. I like my car a lot. OK, it's terrible. Hey, what the song? Cool. I like the song.

Welcome to Scottsdale, Arizona. Welcome to The Voice Versus. Hello, everybody. I'm Michael Chevello. My guest today on The Voice Versus really needs no introduction in the martial arts or movie world. He's a Seventh Down Black Belt in the Japanese art of Aikido. A Seventh What?

Seventh Dan. Seventh Dan. Yeah, what's that? I don't know. I guess that's like Seventh Level. Scottsdale, Arizona. Welcome to The Voice Versus. Hello, everybody. I'm Michael Chevello.

My guest today on The Voice Versus really needs no introduction in the martial arts or movie world. He's a Seventh Down Black Belt. Yeah, I think Seventh Down. Yeah. Yeah, Dan, Seventh Dan. OK. That's a rank.

Oh, wow, Seventh Den Black Belt. Michael, sorry, my wife hates your fucking opening song. I like you, Michael, but the song. Yeah. All right. This is a little weird. The weird? Yeah. OK.

How was the you made a peachy there? Yeah. How was it? It was good. Yeah, push hard. I just sat down and all the pee fell out. I didn't even have to push that much. Now, it's pretty cool.

Yeah. Pretty exciting. Yeah. Wait, so Steven Seagal is now in Arizona. Yeah, a policeman. Well, he does other things. You know, he's environmentalist. He still sings and but like he's an honorary whatever fucking guy.

He trains dogs. Makes jewelry. You know, he makes jewelry. He does everything basket weaving. Yeah. He's a seventh degree black belt. That's pretty wild. Yeah, Seventh Den Black Belt.

Yes. Weird. Yeah. Here's another song that I really like to come in from a different reverend. Let's see if this passes the test for you. Trains serving me death on a silver train. They get on my nerves wasting my time offering me dope sex and crime. But I hang tough and stand up tall. I look them in the eye and I tell them all get out my face.

You low down cat. I'm a different breed. I ain't into that. No poppin pills, no foolish thrills, no alcohol, no cool men fall, no smoking weed, no dirty tea. That's the rap and reverend. What do you think? That sounds depressing.

What? He doesn't have any fun. Yeah, he does. What does he do for friends? Just pray. He's a yeah, he goes to church. What's wrong with that? He didn't even smoke weed, he doesn't have sex.

So what's the point of living? He doesn't drink alcohol. That's cool. Well, he sounds like easy, doesn't he? Is this easy? No, it's not easy. It does sound like him though, right? I mean, it's a little high pitch.

I see what you're saying. Did you not sing that, by the way? No, I lived it. Why do I have to see some shit that I live? Son, I grew up in this bitch. I did do. I was fucking here in LA when that shit went down, bro. I remember all of that.

Dude, I wasn't allowed to wear red or blue to school because that stupid album that came out. They fucked up everything and WA fucked up everything in LA. Fresh school aged kids. It was terrible. I loved it. The movie is great. What was your favorite part?

I don't know. There's there's a lot of good parts. It's a great film. I hear it's amazing. I'll see it when it's on our Apple TV or something. OK, pretty soon. All right, I'm mad at that. Oh, it's time.

Midshow break. I can't even get into how excited I am that football is back. Oh, I know this is this is your season. This is no talking till January now. Yeah, I just saw this right now. I didn't realize that did you hear the story about the football player? Actually, two in the same week blew apart, blew off fingers on 4th of July. No. Yeah, just fucking around.

So one of them is much more famous than the other one. And he actually had an offer on the table. Like they offered him a really big like a kind of like a 60 million dollar deal. He was like, uh-uh. And then he blew off his appendix this first finger index finger index finger. 4th of July and then submitted to a physical. Allow the Giants doctors to see his hand and evaluate his progress and make a determination on when the team felt he would be prepared to play.

I think by his own admission, Jason Pierre Paul would concede he's not 100 percent. But he I was told he does believe he could put a cast on the hand and play Sunday night against Dallas. The Giants don't believe that's the case. This is a very complicated situation. If he was, if the Giants had accepted JPP's view and signed him to the franchise tender and activated him for Sunday, the entire 14.8 million dollars would have been guaranteed his base salary for the entire season.

The option that they would have had to put him on the non-football injury list and not be obligated to pay him for the first six weeks of the season vanished. Once 53 man rosters was submitted over the weekend. Now a player who goes on the non-football injury list is out for the entire year. The team would not be obligated to pay him. But obviously they can't put Jason Pierre Paul on the non-football injury list if he's an unsigned player. And so that's why he has so far refused to sign the contract.

So I'm told that he's left. There's just a disagreement on where things stand. And in all likelihood, they'll revisit this situation in about a month or so. This is such a crazy story. It's such a crazy story. I mean, the fact that he had that that amount you're hearing now, that's a new that's a totally separate thing. The original deal is that he was offered a real contract for more money,

more money that was guaranteed when that they took that off the table because he was holding out for an even he went at like an eighty hundred million dollar deal. So then he could have been signed as the franchise player, which means you have to be paid within the average of like the top three people in your position, which is why it worked out to like fourteen point eight million dollars, just an absolutely seen amount of money, right? But he he wants to he wants to go this week and they're saying you're not ready for that.

And he also doesn't want to be sidelined as, you know, like the guy said, they can put him take him off the field for the whole seat. It's just a crazy the fact that he he basically had a U-Haul truck full of fireworks. And I think he held one as it went off. It's really crazy that sucks, man. And there's I mean, can you hold a football the same way? Well, he doesn't hold the ball. Oh, he's a defensive player.

Oh, well, then he uses his hands a good deal, though. I mean, he's right for what he does. His hands are up, but he's he's a good enough athlete where I think it's just about how far, how, how healed are you? You know, that happened July 4th, right? It's only been about eight weeks. That's terrible, man. It's really fucked up.

Yeah, poor guy. Well, don't play with fireworks, man. Yeah, it's really crazy that he did that. Yeah. Anyways, football is back. How excited are you? Seriously, you love football. Yeah, I'm very excited.

It's it's it is my favorite entertainment. That's the way I'll put it. It's my favorite form of entertainment. Now you love the Seminoles. I like yeah, because I like college football a lot. Any drama going on that you are excited about? You know, they like a lot of teams this past weekend just played a cupcake teams. They a lot of teams they open the season playing a far inferior team.

It's to kind of like get they call it a cupcake game. That's funny. Yeah, that's what they say. They go into cupcake. Yeah. They actually some press called, I think, a Utah, a cupcake team. And then Utah beat who they were playing and it was a big upset. Oh, whoops.

Yeah, so it was yeah, it's pretty good. So yeah, I don't know. You know, they have a new quarterback the Seminoles do. So I'm excited to see if how that's going to turn out. That's really cute that you're into your players and your stories. It's like the equivalent of like your reality show, like my reality shows. Yeah. Like I get really into the characters like on Below Deck or something, you know?

Yeah, I mean, what happened was once once I became an adult is when I realized that sports are entertainment. I never really thought of sports as entertainment. I thought when you're a kid, you really think of that sports matter like really matter. And then I realized as I got older, like, oh, this is just it's entertainment. It's like it's like a TV show. That's how those guys get paid so much.

There's so much money, of course. Yeah. Hey, so this is something we really haven't spent a lot of time on. But I wanted to address it because we've done our fair share of discussing this topic for years. I mean, I would say we're kind of the go to people when it comes to this. And people will have a differing opinions, but I think it's us. OK.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Who knows Dix better than your moms? It's been a while since I've heard that song. I know it has been a while, but then it's been a while since somebody like this has burst onto the scene. Yeah. And of course, if you haven't heard, we're talking about Roberto Esquivel. Gabriela, you love this guy. You brought him up at dinner last night.

Oh, he's got a 19 inch dick. He has dethroned Jonah Falcon, who he got a good bit of press. And we talked about him on the show. And, you know, he made it into some documentaries. And this man, Roberto is a Mexican man who has a 19 inch penis. It's crazy. They filmed him here and they had him wrap it up like in a gauze, I think, as to not offend, you know, the cameras because press people were there.

And they were like, cover your dick, but still show it to us. It's kind of a weird thing to do. It's weird that I don't understand why people would take offense. It's just a body part like anything else. Like an arm. Yeah. Well, do you want to see it? Yeah, yeah, of course. Kind of crazy.

Interesting how Mexico produced the biggest penis and the fattest man. Manuel Uribe was from Mexico as well. No, no, no, no, if you want to put it on the floor. Holy fuck. Is that real? Yeah, it was doctors. Saw it. They have that that that scan of it and then they have people inspected.

They said it's real. No, Jesus. That's not even cool, though. That's it doesn't seem cool. It's so that's enormous. That's debilitating. Yeah. I mean, how does he even get an erection really?

I don't know. I want to I can't believe they don't talk about that. Yeah, like how do you think it's not cool until you put it in your mouth? Then it's pretty cool, you know. And by the way, when he sits first, look how it hangs. Yeah, well, that's I'm saying it's not it's flaccid, right? Yeah, it's not even direct. Can you even get a hard on that?

We don't know when you ask these questions. But I mean, you know, he's laying down. His place looks like shit by the way. Really bad. Is he a hoarder? See the legacy. You know, you can be whatever you want when you got that dick in your hand. I'm missing some teeth. I don't know.

Look, yeah. I think he barely he can touch his own face with it. He's smacking his head with it now. Jesus Christ. Cheese. So here's the knock on this cock. You want to hear what it is? Yeah, they're saying that he might have a six inch penis and that all of this is excess skin. In other words, that's the deformity.

So it's just a six inch dick and he's just covered in like the it's like, you know, when somebody has a growth growth, yeah, he has all this. Well, if I could go to the doctor. Well, the CEO of Vivid Entertainment, Steve Hirsch has offered to pay for the medical treatment on his two pound dick. Thanks. It weighs two pounds. Of course, it looks it looks heavy the way he's holding it.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Don't tell me you wouldn't want to take this thing for a fucking test drive. Can't believe you're acting like this isn't the most enticing thing I've ever seen in my life. It's like 10 centimeters. No, the head, the circumference of the head is 10 inches. It's so unpleasant. 10 inches.

That's really not even it's really bad. Do you really do you want to experience 10 inches of circumference? Yeah. I probably I will in December. It's true. Yeah. But would you like to experience it sexually? No.

I don't think anybody would, right? That's terrible. 10 inches is when I think when people are like, I want that girth. I don't think they're talking about. No. And do you think there's a woman out there? Excuse me, with the whitest vagina? Yes. Why don't we hear about her?

She's like, my vagina hole, it's she's deeply ashamed. So deep. Look, how long it took this guy? This guy looks like he's in his fifties. His place looks terrible, by the way. That keeps him from doing anything. It looks really heavy. Don't you understand now why he can't do like regular work? He can't he can't go work with a dig like he can't even like hold it normally.

Yeah, it's terrible. Wow. No, I think for just sheer mass, that thing is that's horrible. That's a birth defect. That is a birth defect. And how does he just can he pee out of it normally? I'm assuming he can. Sure. So that means that the skin didn't grow over. But I bet this the the the good sensation part is probably deep under all that mass,

you know, so huge. It looks like a baseball bat. I know. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah. I get totally jealous. No, it's too much. It's too much. It's finally too much.

I've seen them and been like, that's fine, but that's too much. That's way too much, Dick. Why does Mexico produce the freakish shit like this? I don't know. The world's fattest man, the guy, the world's biggest dick. So crazy, dude. Yeah. Yep. Wow.

It's a lot of dick, man. That's that's a lot of dick. That's a lot of dick. Yeah. Well, speaking of dicks, I was at the gym yesterday. I swim now and there's a whole etiquette of the pool etiquette. Yeah. You know what I mean?

But I find that people are not being polite. Like people splash too hard when they swim next to me. Like you share you share like a big lane with one other person. Yeah. But I feel like there's people that splash extra a lot just to kind of be jerks. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, you know, fucking don't kick your foot and make big splashes. Oh, yeah. And they do.

That's a you know, that's a training pool, too. It's not a pool for like I got a hotel. That's a pool. It's an Olympic sized pool. Stop kickyfooting so much. Yeah. Like this woman and we shared a lane. And first of all, like you're not supposed to bust a conversation with people, right, when you're going to make fitness.

And of course, the first thing she starts asking me what I'm having and how pregnant I am and all the stuff. I'm like, well, well, bitch, I don't know you. Come on now. I need my privacy. I just came here to swim. No, you know, no, no, no, it's like, no, I need my privacy. You feel me? There's no privacy here.

Yeah, it's like, no. No, any hoodles. Is that the way it is in the rest of the gym? I feel as though like chatting is not cool. I feel like that gym has a lot of serious people and I really like it. I don't have a lot of people that every gym has like your your social social butterflies that are like, how's it going? And like, you know, I don't like that at all.

I don't see it a lot. I don't see it. Yeah, don't talk. I'm always usually there with a trainer. So almost nobody says shit to me. No, like he's talking to me and we don't engage other people. You know, some people have been like, excuse me or kind of, but no one's like. One time I was doing a thing with him where he was having me do. He put a bar on a rack and was like, I want you to do a power clean.

A a press, a squat and then a deadlift. So like it was like all in one like to and that's that's considered one. So I did that and a guy was like stopped after I was done was like, what is that? And like, well, that looks crazy. And then and my trainer, Jesus, the trainer, he's like, yeah, right? Like he doesn't he has zero time for other people, which I like. I like that too.

Well, and then I saw these two guys, they were taking up a whole lane because it's two people per lane. And they were just fucking in there, dip and dip, dip and and lollygagging, talking about the fish talks at this place down the street. And like, but they knew each other. The one guy was like, yeah, I saw Julie and I got to see her kid. And they're like, what are you fucking lollygagging? Nobody got time for that.

Yeah, no. And then they talked to me when I got near them and this woman was in my lane. I found myself having to swim to a voider. Like she would come near me and I mean, like she would catch up to me and then I have to be like, oh, I got to keep swimming. Yeah, I hate that. I get really, really annoyed when people want to talk to me and I can't. Yeah, I don't like it either.

Yeah, does it but does it give you it gives me anxiety? Yeah, I just don't like if you're especially like, like, you know, different people work out differently when you're really in your zone and you're focused and someone's like, hey, have you ever been over to the? No, I know that's why it's great to to wear headphones. I can't in the pool though. No, you're right.

But you know what you could do? The earplugs, the butt plugs. Yeah, I'm like, yeah, they sell swimming earplugs. No shit. Yeah, I can't. Sorry. I don't even know. Yeah, it's a great idea. And if you get tinted goggles,

yo, then people won't know where your eyes are looking either. So you can just be like, I didn't even see you. Yeah, because I wear my sunglasses in the pool. Mm hmm. But I got to deflect more. I feel like I just don't want to talk to these lunatics, dude. Yeah, no. You know what I'm saying?

I don't like talking to people. Yeah. Then they asked me too many questions. I'm like, bitch, I don't know you. These questions, I'm on privacy. Yeah, I'm on privacy. You know what I'm saying? I don't know you shit.

Yeah, shit. And then she starts talking to me about her dumb life and her dumb kids. I'm like, dude, this is not invitation for you to tell me about your kids. Just because I'm pregnant. I don't want to hear fuck about your kids. I'm with you on that. I hate hearing fucking kids' stories.

Well, because they're not yours. It's so boring. I don't care what you have or what you guys did or. I mean, should. Yeah, I'm I'm on your team, dude. I don't like it at all. And especially in the locker rooms, like the ladies in there. That's where it gets real social.

Real chatty naked. It gets really social there. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, wait, why are you bitches talking and and they'd have such lady talk too? Like, well, I went to Cheryl's and she had the party and again. God. Yeah, these are unbearable.

No, I don't like it. And I also find there's this eager beavers where like I'm in my locker. I'm clearly a big person right now. I need a lot of room, get the fuck out of my way. I'm changing. And then they're like, can I just get, can I get in there? And you're like, no, wait a second, you fucking wait. You can't get under me right now.

The key is to go to that gym to figure out the right hours. Yeah, midnight when nobody's there. Midnight's a little bit of a stretch, but. So I can't find the privacy clip. No, she's from bad girls. I know, but I'm trying to like I remember when we were so long ago. Yeah, bad girls club. Yeah, she goes, no, no privacy.

No, you know, she's like, no, you know, right now. You know, I'm saying, I know I'm saying it because it's a no, I'm saying too. Oh, right, right. You know, I'm saying I got no privacy. I don't privacy. No, it's like, you know, it's like, you know, fuckers are up in my shit. That's how I feel. Sharing a closet.

It's like, no, I ain't got no privacy, man. Yeah. Oh, here it is. Mom, this ain't man. Oh, I don't feel comfortable here. Did you get what I'm saying? You got eight hangers. OK, you know, I'm saying there's one shower. There's two bathrooms with a curtain, no mirrors.

And man, it's just, you know, I'm saying it's no privacy. You hear me? It's no mother privacy. I'm good off this. When I got someone at home that's willing to take care of me and wife me. You know what I'm saying? This ain't me. You know what I'm saying?

If I had my own TV show, hell, yeah, I probably love it, you know, but this ain't this ain't fun. This is this is me not being comfortable. I just don't like it. So that's a shame. Yeah, that's a white girl too, but that's your daughter to the lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, it's like, no, this ain't man.

No, I don't feel comfortable here. Did you get what I'm saying? You got eight hangers. OK, you know, I'm saying there's one shower. There's two bathrooms with a carton, no mirrors. And man, it's just, you don't say it's no privacy. She knows goddamn good and well that we don't say privacy. She did.

It's clearly an affectation. What the fuck are you talking about? Well, the mom is like, oh, sweetie, that's terrible. Like her mom talks normal. Yeah. And then she jazzed. We ain't got no privacy. Yeah.

Did you hear, by the way, I didn't see it. But no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sarah Palin was in an interview and said, speak American. Speak American. And she said it last week, like the the person that's been lit up the most for being the dumbest is saying, we need to speak American. Oh, Jesus. Like, or if you're in this country, you need to speak American.

I love it. I didn't I really, really want to see it because it to me is. It's a benefit of Jeb Bush to be able to be so fluent in Spanish because we have a large and wonderful Hispanic population that is helping to build America. And that's good. And that's a great relationship and connection that he has with them through his wife and through his family connections.

On the other hand, you know, I think we can send a message to say, you want to be in America. A, you better be here legally or you're out of here. The when you're here, let's speak American. Oh, boy. There you go. All right. How is this party even still existing?

No, dude, she's out of her fucking mind, too. What an idiot. If that's who you identify with. Yeah, what's wrong with you? What is wrong with you? What's wrong with you? Yeah, I mean, that is just. What a dumb broad.

She's such a fucking broad. It's scary. It's scary to think how close she came. To being in office, isn't it? It's pretty terrifying. Terrifying. She's such a fucking. I love that argument, by the way.

Like, like retard, retard. Well, her ancestors, you guys were all just born here in America. No, you guys came here. Everybody came here. I mean, they have Americans do it the right way. And do good luck. You know how it is to come here legally? Yeah.

Give me a fucking break. You know what I'm saying? Good rock with that. Speak America. Speak American. Hey, you know, you better. Let's speak American. Let's speak American.

You fucking idiot. She's the worst. You idiot. When you're here, let's speak American. So great. You're the worst. Yeah, she's the worst. You're the worst.

Um, did I tell you I somebody submitted a great substitute for Washington, D.C.? Oh, yeah, I gave that. I didn't get them your. I got, um, watch me come. Dick come to remember that one. Yeah, I didn't get the one. What was the one you saw?

Washington, D.P. Oh, yeah, that's really good. That's a good one, right? I mean, I'm in Washington, D.P. Washington. Don't you hate that? Yes. I hate when people say Washington.

Washington or Houston. Is it? And it's not Houston. No, it's Houston. Yeah, of course. Some people say Houston. Yeah. Well, you said it that way last night and I thought you knew

something I didn't know. No, no, no, no, I don't know. Yeah. And I don't know, man, when are we going to get you your colorblind glasses? I'm so fucking excited about that. Me too. I want to get that.

Well, the ones we liked are not out yet. So I want to remember it said they're not released. Yeah. Yeah. But maybe we could get them, you know, somewhere else like China, China, China, China, China, whether it's China, China. So if you went to China and you want to get a job in China, I don't not China.

How can I dislike China? A man from China, China. China. China. Yeah. I want to see colors, jeans. I know I'm so sad for you that you don't. You're partially colorblind, right?

Yeah. Yeah. I have fart blind. I'm the red, green colorblind. Yeah. So there's these glasses online, you guys, if you don't know what we're talking about, that can correct that. There's a just crazy 80% chance they'll correct your that is so amazed.

That is also amazed. This gentleman would like those glasses. What if you could become normal sighted, but you have to put your mouth around Roberto's 19 inch dick. Just one, just put your mouth around 10 inches once. Open your mouth wide. Oh, you can't even get it around the head. No, I can't get around the head.

What if you got to give it one long lick just from the base to the tip and you could correct your colorblindness? No, because it doesn't bother me that much. It doesn't bother me that much. One long just come on. No, it doesn't bother me that much. Colorblindness, I'm not that affected by it. I don't care.

I would lick it so that you could be fixed. Sounds like you have a real desire to try it and give it a lick. Yeah, I understand you want to give it a lick. It's like you're always looking at the fucking mailman's legs. You'd like to give those a lick too. Yeah, right. The skinny little toothpicks. Yeah.

Our mailman, a while ago, told me that a lot of the ladies like his legs in those shorts that he wears. Of course they do. And I was like, OK, get your life. OK, OK, he's out of his fucking mind. And he's like an older dude. Older dudes have nice legs. My dad's age.

And he's telling me you better get your life. The postman's legs. Who the fuck is looking at the postman's like, come on now, you know what I'm saying? I've heard that the he's just saying the same thing they've been saying about the UPS guys, right? That the ladies are like, I love when the UPS man comes. But for some reason, the UPS guys are more yoked sometimes. Yeah, they're carrying big ass, not just mail, right?

They're yeah. The poll, I mean, shit, though, I have so much sympathy for postal workers. Could you imagine? That is such a hard gig to be walking every day and getting fucked with by dogs and carrying that big bag of mail. Jeez, man. It's tough work. Couldn't pay me to do that.

Oh, my God. Yeah, it's tough work. It's good. What are we going to have for dinner? Let's talk about that. Let's go get some of that. We've got to celebrate, you know? They don't have the sugar.

You don't have the sugar. I can't wait. I don't have no sugar. Let's go get hot fudge sundaes from McDonald's. Diabetes. I have diabetes. Dude, I was diabetes. I was fucking because I failed my first glucose test.

Those of you don't know what happens when you're pregnant lady. They make you drink this like bullshit orange syrup. It's so gnarly early in the morning and you're supposed to fast. And then they test your glucose level an hour later in your blood. And then if you fail that, which I did because I fucking probably ate some bullshit the night before I didn't think about it. You go back for a three hour one. You drink one extra glucose.

So now it's double the glucose. And then they dry your blood three times once an hour. It was horrible. Tell you if you have the sugar. And then they're like, oh, you have the sugar. You have gestational diabetes. I'm like, fuck, dude, if I fail that three hour one, that sucks. Because now I can't have any kind of treats.

It's like all the food I love. I won't be able to have for the next fucking three months. Yeah. Bummer. And then you're at risk for type two diabetes. Damn. Get my feet cut off. I got to lose weight.

Fuck around, develop diabetes. You don't want to develop diabetes. But that's like black people, white people. Is it difference in cultures? We got different terminologies for shit. Like the way we say shit is different. Like white people have the medical term for shit. Black people, we just got the black term for shit.

Like take health for instance. The white person will break the shit down. They'd be like, well, diabetes is, there are two types. It just did. You know, diabetes. Black people are like, motherfucker, you got that sugar. That's right. You got that fucking sugar.

Yep. They're as sugar's bad. That's why you could put his pee on some pancakes. His pee is thick, like Sarah. You got that sugar. Too fat. Yes, you, you got that sugar. I got that sugar.

Now you don't have the sugar. No, I don't, bro. I'm going to have fucking eat some ice cream tonight. Barbecue. So stoked. I don't have no fucking sugar. Tracy Morgan's bag is doing health. Being, you know, he's back at it, which is great.

Poor guy. Yeah. I know, I'm glad he's better, dude. I think he's getting in a massive settlement from Walmart, too. Oh, wow. Not that, you know, I mean, his friends died. And he's, but he's getting like a retarded money.

Well, it's worth it. You know, lose a friend so what? Big deal. Yeah. I mean, if it's like a friend, it's a lot of money. You know, how much money are we talking about? Like 90 million. Are you fucking real?

Yeah. That's still pretty crazy. How many friends would you trade for $90 million, though? Oh, so many. There's so many friends I would trade. All of them. No. I like Shauna.

I like Sarah Burns. Oh, I'd trade them for 90 million. You'd trade my friend's friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd trade all your dumb friends, too. Every one of them. I'd trade your friends for like $2,500. And your family.

Yeah, family is fucking. I don't give a shit. Well, I guess we can't say, but. Yeah, I don't give a shit. OK, would you trade me for 90 million? $90 million? Of course. It's a lot of money.

I want you to give birth first. But then once I have my, you know, my king, I'm ready to go. Did you kill me for 90 million? No, I'd trade you for 90 million. To who? Who I get traded to? Walmart. They want you.

If they told me, if Walmart was like, we have to put that 19-inch penis on your husband for 90 million, I'm like, yeah, go for it. I don't care. Shit. That's horrible. Why? It's your life.

I don't want that. I don't give a shit. You deal with it. That's really mean. That's your life. Get your life. You got that sugar. They ain't got that sugar.

Like, my people, they got the pedicure term for shit. You know, they say shit like, well, an amputation is a complication of diabetes. Black people, we get right to the point. We be like, you're going to lose that foot, my boy. Keep on eating them ding-dongs, goddammit. Well, my doctor's black. So when she told me.

She had told you like that? Yeah, doctor. She didn't say it that way. But I was going to be like, oh, I don't got no sugar. But then I was like, we're not. We're definitely going there. We're going there. We're going there soon.

It's we're almost there with her. We're so close to being there with her. OK, I'll be the doctor. Yeah. And no, you tell me. You ask me if you have it, OK? I ask you. Yeah.

Dr. Allen? Yes. Do I have diabetes? Hell no, to the no, no, no, hell to the no, hell to the no, to the no, no, no, listen. This is funny. She's like, she's like Jamaican black or Bahamian black. Wouldn't it be great if she had a button for diabetes?

She calls you over the phone and I'm like, do I have diabetes? And she's like, hold on a second. Put my speaker back on. Put my speaker over here. And then she just presses the button. All right. And then someone's like, oh, no, no, that's the wrong paperwork. And she's like, oh, shit.

Sorry. Then now ask me again. Doctor, do I have diabetes? Yeah. I ran with my. Yeah. Yeah. Shit.

Yeah. Yeah. All right, Jean. Let's get some ribs and some ice cream. Celebrate not having the sugar. No sugar, you know. This is big time. Great news.

Dude, I was sweating it too. I'm fucking, you know what I'm saying? I'm so happy about this. Yeah, you should be happy. You should be happy. Fuck, I thought I failed that shit for sure. This is exciting stuff. Thanks for listening to the show.

Thanks for visiting your momshousepodcast.com, checking out our store, seeing the clips on the clips page. Oh, and Mamason, please, I implore you, do your shopping through your momshousepodcast.com. Use our portal to amazon.com when you do your shopping. Yes, that is very true. Very good. Hell no.

Tell the no, no, no, tell the no, no. Um, yep, we're very excited. I'm gonna play this song. We're out of here. We'll see you next week, Jeans. Bye, mommy. Feeder Zanes. Diabetes.

Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes.

Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes.

Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes.

Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes.