Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 309 - Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 15, 2015

Have you ever just done it in a parking lot on the pavement? Were you drunk? We are still Poly and Bi and loving it! Will Tom appreciate Christina's farts this week? The Cincy fart lives on. Tom insists that Christina is flirting with both their post man and a local Whole Foods Employee. A very sad dental update. Lots of mommy mail and a call from Top Dog!! Is it heaven on earth? No, it's just  Your Mom's House!

The Cincinnati Fart. I was laying down for a while and then I went to the door to open it for you and that's when it happened. And the fart continued and it continued for more than a couple beats. Yeah. God's doing this. It's like God worked through me. Yeah. It's like a spiritual fart. It's still coming out of me. Coming out of me. It's still coming out of me. Wow. Bobby Wolf with the Cincinnati Fart. Thank you, sir. Thank you for paying proper homage to the incident that occurred. That was really, really something, man. Really something. Oh, please seem. Big news, big announcement for me. I wear my jeans as high as anyone. Here's the big news. November 13th, I'm doing New York City as part of the New

York Comedy Festival. I have a show at the Skirball Center. Tickets are on sale now. Go to TomSegura.com. November 13th, Skirball Center, New York City as part of the New York Comedy Festival. Very exciting stuff. This week, if you're listening right now, the moment this came out, which I hope you are, you'll notice that in Raleigh, North Carolina, we've added a show. I'm doing a second show tonight. That's tonight. So make sure you come to the show in Raleigh if you can. In addition to that, Friday, I am at the Howard Theater in Watch Me Come, Dick Come, Washington, Washington DP. It's Washington. Washington DP. Howard Theater Friday night. Saturday, I'm in St. Louis at the Ready Room. It is sold out. I'm

sorry, Taint Louis. Taint Louis. The Ready Room is sold out. And Sunday, I'm at the Shoreline Amphitheater in Northern California doing a really big, crazy show with Dave Chappelle, Chris Tucker, and many more. I'm very excited about that. That should be fun. Yes. Next week, Tuesday, Ventura Harbor Comedy Club. Please come and see me. Thursday, the San Jose Improv in San Jose, California. And Saturday, the Ice House in Pasadena with the main mommy. Well, thank you. We're doing the podcast live in the main room. That's how big it's getting now. We need the big room. We moved out of the Stage 2 room into the main room, 8 p.m., prime time slot at the Ice House. Please come see the show live. It's going to be fun. It's

going to be great. And then, Jeans, just after that, just after that, I go to Philadelphia, Illadelph, Philadelphia to do Helium Comedy Club. October 1st through 3rd. The next week, Mamiapolis, Acme, 789, I believe. And then, I go on a crazy Oklahoma City, Houston, Dallas, Austin, San Antonio run. Jesus Christ. Where are you not going in the next couple of months? I know. It's crazy. But you got to do it. We got baby jeans coming. Got baby. I got kids to feed. I got to feed the kids. Yeah. And then, after that, Birmingham, Orlando, Tampa, Fort Lauderdale. And then, Fort Lauderdale. My final week is Winnipeg, New York. And then, I'm doing a college. Sorry about Toronto. Toronto, you know you're one of my favorite

cities on Earth. And I will be coming back to Toronto. It's just going to be after the New Year. That's what's up, Jeans. Great. Is that all, Jeans? That's it. That's all she wrote. Guys, listen to that steep, bro. We have all kinds of fun topics. Last week, I did grief with Kevin Christie, who lost his dad in a horrific hiking accident. We do all kinds of deep shit. If you like to get weird, get high and listen to cool stuff. Listen to that steep, bro. Also, I implore you, use our Amazon banner. If you shop on Amazon, I know you do because you're as lazy as we are. Go to yourmomshousepodcast.com, click on our banner, and do your shopping as you normally would. It just helps the show. It helps us produce the show.

Wonderful. And don't forget all those tickets, including the podcast one. I have them all on sale at my site, TomSeguro.com. Be sure to also check out yourmomshousepodcast.com. Jeans, this week, we've got to update our clips page. We have a bunch of clips we have to add. Send it. Send it. You ready to do this, sister? Kiss my pussy and get your life. Hi there, Beverly. Well, it all happened in this parking lot. The woman was charged with being drunk in public. I asked her today, why the middle of a parking lot? Why the middle of the day? She told me she was in the mood.

Because I was in the mood. And, I mean, that's basically what happened. What got you in the mood? Alcohol. This shit is big time. Who is Ram? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With TomSeguro, TomSeguro. I'm Christina Pajitzin, Christina Pajitzin. Welcome to your mom's house. You like it? Well, that was a really interesting dance you did. Thank you. Where did you come up with that?

I am proud that I'm a king of improv. Did you know that? You are the king of improv. I learned it from Steve. I will forgive your saying so. Forgive me. I mean, I am the king of improv if you'll forgive my saying so. Crazy. Jeans, you were in Hawaii. You just came back from Hawaii. Did you love it? I did. I was in Honoruru. Big shout out to those guys. A lot of fun, man. A lot of fun. Shane, Daryl, trying to think of everybody's name. I met Obi-Wan Kenoli.

That to me made the trip worthwhile. I can't believe you got to meet him in the flesh. Of all the places. Honoruru. He lives there? That's so cool. I think so, yeah. He's just a regular white guy. I always wonder what these people look like. I know, yeah. Just a normal white guy, huh? Yeah, just like white with a white face.

What a talent. Some facial hair. He's so talented. Hair kind of comb back. How old is he? How old is he? 64? Just a dad. No, he's probably like late 20s, I think.

I would assume, I don't know. Yeah, he looked a normal dude. For those of you who don't know who Obi-Wan Kenoli is, he's the guy who went through hours of audio of our dog talking, of Theo talking, and made probably one of the, I would say, most technically impressive songs we've ever gotten. It still blows my mind every time I hear that song. It's absolutely unbelievable. Definitely, it's one of my all-time favorite jams submitted to the show ever.

So good. He, let me see. Obi-Wan trying to find him. Kenoli. And a great handle, too. Obi-Wan Kenoli. That's so silly. Did you go to the transvestite row that's on HBO Real Saks and Hanna Ruru?

I may have taken a peek. Yeah. Did they still have those transvestites there? Yeah. Yeah, they do. Why did they like Hanna Ruru so much? I don't know. I think they're just, you know, they're welcome there.

You think that Hawaiian community is like, we specifically love transvestite community. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'm trying to find this email from him. CM. Okay. Well, while you're looking for that, maybe I should talk about something.

Yeah. So people won't have to listen to you look for stuff. Yeah, that's probably a good idea. So, oh, oh, here it is. I've been spoken like a mother fucker. I run LA basically south of the 10th. Just so people understand, he had to listen to all this audio. I feel.

And then, but then pieced together the word. I've always, we're both blown away by this because you're piecing together. It's not just like, oh, make sure that this kind of makes sense. He made things rhyme. Yeah. He made a song. Within a song. It's ridiculous.

Of different, completely different. So hard to do. Feed me sandwiches. Pets all the time. Balls licked. Get some barbecue. I'm the old guy. Didn't date.

Yeah. From the hundreds. Black. Black. Black. I don't play around these parts. You know what I'm saying? Running shit south of the 10th.

Ten times. We asked for the names from the hundreds black. Black. market. I don't play with these. I don't play around these parts. He works out. He's running shit south of the pink.

Ten times. We asked for names from the hundreds black. Black. Black. Black. Yeah. I don't play around these parts. I don't play around these parts.

I don't play around these parts. I don't play around these parts. I don't play around these parts. I don't play around these parts. I don't play around these parts. He's running shit south of the pink. I don't play around these parts. I don't play around.

That's what I am. I'm a wild animal. I stab you in your sleep. Get your ass out my face. Respect my privacy. Don't feel nothing. I care what I need. I'm a weirdo.

I'm a doodling cypher. That's what my jeep. I poo outside. You ain't shit. I piss this shit where I want. You better not forget it. Kind of damn you all. I never stop hustling.

Yeah, of course not a little bit. New Corvettes what I do is what I do. You know shit. You cannot disrespect me. Can I? I'm on this motherfucker block. I'm on that fucking big island. Just get your shit done.

24 hours. Seven. Two is number one. He's running shit south of the pink. Amazing. It's crazy. He's crazy talented. This makes me miss having Feef on the show.

And now he hasn't been here in a while, but you know, we, we actually got an office kind of to get away from him, you know? You're getting so hostile. Well, we have to have Bitsy on too. Maybe the next few weeks we can invite them over if they get along. I don't know, man. I mean, you're really opening up a Pandora's box with that one. Well, she is so aggressive and so domineering.

The two of them, it's not been good. It's not been easy around the Segura house. So, you know, it might be worth exploring on the show. I don't know. I'll talk to them when we wrap today and see if Bitsy will be open to coming on. Yeah. All right. Oh, yeah.

Here's a picture of him. I got a cannoli. Yeah. Let me see. It's from his. Oh my God. He's so normal. Yeah.

I have no idea. Yep. He looks handsome. Suit. All right. He's off. Oh, it's really hot. See, we're watching polyamory last night.

I mean, that's not something you'd be into, right? Like bringing another guy in, right? I mean, I'm totally into it. You really? Really? I mean, seeing you get super charged up by that NRE and like, you know, seeing like how that sex affects you, it just fuels our relationship. Well, yeah.

That's what I was saying is that if we brought a third guy, a second guy, sorry, in and then maybe a third litter, is that it brings us closer. Right. You know what I'm saying? Like it makes our relationship stronger by bringing in a stranger to have sex with. Oh, 100%. We have a few processing discussions before we do this. Yeah.

With the pod. Yeah. But I'm so, I'm so happy you're open to it. Oh, I'm so open to it. I'm so open to it. I mean, you know, yeah, I want it like for me, it's like the way that I see it, any like time that you are resisting emotionally or physically connecting with somebody else, it's just oppressive, you know, and that's repression, any repression inside of you.

It's cruel. It's actually a form of spousal abuse. Yeah. I would say you have to talk like they do everything. Everything is really non confrontational and empathetic that nobody has emotion. They just my favorite is they're like, we don't get jealous, but everybody's like, if you spend less time with a new guy or fucking and more time with me or primary, that'd be great.

Yeah. There's a lot of jealousy. It's weird. I mean, it's supposed to be a perfect system. Yeah. I mean, it's like the desirable system, but for some reason that kind of doesn't feel like it's working out. Well, monogamy is the flawed system, you know, polyamory is the solution to monogamy, guys.

Yeah. It's easier. It's so much easier to be polyamorous. Yeah. Yeah. There's just like so many great opportunities with polyamory, you know, right for expanding. Well, who do you want to bring into our pod? Different, different guys, different girls.

I mean, personally, you know, I don't know where you're at, but me, I'm Paulie and I'm by. I'm Paulie and I'm by. Okay. My favorite. So we've been watching season two of polyamory. Is it HBO Go that we watch it on? It's on Showtime, baby.

On Showtime. Sorry. We use the Apple TV and season two. This is this show is apparently two years old. You know that we kind of missed the boat on season two, but it's amazing. It's amazing. It's really great. Nonetheless, there's the granola pod of all disgusting people.

There's there's tall. There's Kale. There's Persephone. There's Kale. What are their names? Sephora. Sephora. Ravi Shankar.

You know, it's funny is like everyone's just selfish. Yeah. You know, all the dudes are super selfish. Oh, yeah. And then it's under the guise of like, this is what's awesome. And they they've hosed different broads for sure. It's the it's so funny, man. Yeah.

Well, there's that one guy with the long hair. What's his name? Michael, I think hemp. And he's the one who's like, you know, I just I feel like to get closer to you. I need to bring in another lady. And and he doesn't he doesn't really want. He just wants to fuck that side piece and then have a wife at home. Yeah.

And she's insisting. It is the perfect system. Yeah. That's what everyone wants. Totally hosed. Yeah. And then he now I just he get his side piece. But then with his side piece, he's like, I really want to threesome.

And she's like, um, OK, he's like, yeah, that's what would make me happy. Because that's really what going deep is for us. You piece of shit. And she's like, uh-huh. When she goes, I have questions. He's like, yeah, yeah, ask him. She's like, well, I just feel kind of he's like, I can see how you could feel like I just just on you in you right here on the floor.

That's called fluid bonding. We don't say that. We say fluid. In the poly world. Yeah. There's fluid bonding. There's processing conversations. And I'm going to fluid bond with Jesse.

And then there's NRE. We learned last night, which is new relationship energy. That's what fucking another person does brings in NRE. It's the relationship. I feel like I've been bringing enough for a month. Well, you don't have to bring it back and forth. You can leave some stuff here if you want. Yeah.

That's the wrong. That's the wrong episode. Oh, no. Sorry. That's the vocal fry MMA fighter guy. Yeah. He's got two ladies, but now they're divorcing. Well, they're apart.

Who knows they're divorcing? There's some real beef. Yeah. There's some real drama. Because sometimes the primary will feel neglected all the time. The primary will feel neglected. Why? Because it's human nature to be neglected.

My favorite is when Kale came home last night and tall was fucking Sephora and he's getting a BJ in the kitchen and the wife comes home, the primary and the sheets are all fucked up and there's soiled condoms on the floor and the bed is all gross. And she's like, tall. I mean, I'm not mad that you're fucking somebody else, but could you at least clean up? Like, no, I think, I think you're a little mad that he's fucking somebody else. I really think that she's not because here's why. I think she's over it.

I think they are the ones that it's designed for. They're the only couple it's designed for. And here's why they're both Polly and they're both by and they both essentially like having home base with each other, but like getting their needs filled somewhere else. Yeah. I think you need those variables for this to work. Is that what we need? Do we both need to be Polly and by to do Polly and by?

We both need to be Polly and by, which I've already met, you know, you know, I am. You're already out. But like, you know, last year I announced that I was Polly Amorous and now I'm just very proud to say that I'm by. How will it go when we, when we raise this kid though? I mean, we just, we raise him to be Polly and by. So, so here's my, here's what I was thinking when the baby comes is that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, you're with me and the baby.

And then Thursday, Friday, Saturday, you're with your lover. What's his name? Oh, Carmelo Carmelo Sundays, you have to be with the pod. Right. That's our schedule. Does that sound? I think that's totally fair. I think that's totally fair.

Yeah. They're always very agreeable. Here's why you don't want to push back on any type of demand. Yeah. If you're allowed to stick your dick in other places and they go, they're always like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's cool. Like whatever the wife is, she's like, do you think I could hang out with you?

Absolutely. Absolutely. He's like, I'm not going to disrupt what I've got going on. Yeah. And the wife wants to get in on the, the action with the new girlfriend. There's an emotional connection. There's an emotional connection. And the best part is that they finally do it.

The guy finally talks the wife and the girlfriend into a three way. And of course he and the girlfriend are just going at it like crazy and the wife is totally left out on the bed and she's like, um, it doesn't feel good. Yeah. You see with that really poly by shit. Wait, this doesn't feel good. Yeah. Which is weird.

Right. It should feel good. It should feel good to watch your husband plow another lady. Nothing would make me happier than to know you were happy like that. You know, that's why we're polyamorous because you understand that it's about seeing the other person that happy, you know, and would anything make you happier than knowing that our baby is getting bathed and another man's just calm. Yeah.

Yeah. That's my expression, by the way. What? Bait another. Bait another. Yes. I said that. Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't, I didn't want to take that. I'm sorry. Well, you just did. I'm sorry. I didn't, I'm sorry. I didn't. Do you want to say it over again? Well, no, but you can, you can at least cite the source.

I told you yesterday nothing would make me happier than knowing that our child inside of you is being bathed and another man's come. Yeah. Well, it's all part of the pod, babe. It is part of the pod. I'm just happy that we're all going to be here together. You know, we're all going to be here together and we're all going to come together. Maybe our child could join the pod.

At what age is he ready to be polyamorous, you think? Right away. Right away? From babyhood? Yeah. Is he in the pod? Well, that's the easiest way to make someone buy in poly, I think, is, you know, you train them.

I don't think child services would agree with you here. None of their business. I don't think it's a good plan. Well, maybe they could join our pod. Yeah, however, knocks on the door. Join the pod. Join the pod, man. Smart-footed guys here.

Why don't you guys want to join? I want to derive the opt-in, looking at what people are really struggling with. I'm meeting Jason today. We work together. Here's Captain Bolshev. And he's recently started dating Kamala. That's his wife. It hasn't been a secret that you and Kamala have been, you know, getting a lot more friendly

and it's not a problem for me. I wanted to take this opportunity to really speak with him and build our communication a bit. So that's the other cool thing that happens in polyamory is that you really embrace the person that is plowing your spouse or that your spouse is plowing. It's called communication, processing, discussions. 100% honesty, man. 100% real honesty, yeah.

You say that you're new to polyamory. I actually don't know that much about your history. Did you know what polyamory was? I had heard of it and it really showed me what's possible. I had a girlfriend who, you know, was interested in polyamory and thought that she wanted to do that. Then she met somebody who was offering her monogamy and it was just too irresistible for her.

What do you think for you? Is that a possibility? I can't rule it out completely, to be honest. My concern is that people that are moving from monogamy sometimes can't make that transition. If they come in and they're monogamous, sometimes they fall back to monogamy and that may happen with Jason. That may happen with Jason. They all talk the same.

He went up at Jason too. That may happen with Jason? Yeah. They all, I'm fluid bonding with Jesse. I'm going to fluid bond with Jesse. They all talk like this. They're all very neutral in their emotions. Or not sure.

Yeah. You see? It's a way to not offend anybody. Yeah, that's what it is. They're always not offending. She's just been so excited when she comes back from being with you and that makes me really happy. I really want the most for her.

Kamala has a tendency to go deep very quickly. It's a concern that her heart will be broken if Jason decides that he wants to go back to the monogamous way. I don't want her to get hurt. Yeah. He's so thoughtful. Shout for the woman with the hose. Yeah.

Oh boy. Well, what do you think? Are you happy with where we're at? Is this NRE good? Do you want to have our processing discussion right now? Yeah. I mean, I love seeing you come back from Jason's dates. It's really cool.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm really happy too. It's different being polyamorous and pregnant. It's fun. It's adding a whole new dimension to our relationship. Yeah. That's so cool.

That's how we make our baby polyambi is doing it while in utero. He knows what it's like for me to have other dudes in there. By the way, why do they have to do the show insists on the sex sessions? The couples have to have sex on camera. Yeah. It's kind of gross. In that gross jiggle away? It's gross.

Well, because there's only, I would say, the only attractive people I enjoy watching are the MMA guy and his two girlfriends because they're like really fit. Everybody does athletic, excuse me, the one's a stripper pole dancer for a living. He's a martial artist. I don't know what the other one does, but they're all super fit. They're really hot people. The other pigs, these granola pigs, they're just dirty hippies. They're skinny because they eat, I'm sure they have a nice vegan vagina diet, but they're

not cute. Their hair is kind of, their tattoos are whack as fuck. They all have barbed wire armbands and really terrible back tattoos. His hair, he looks like Lloyd Christmas. He's got that stupid bangs. They're such idiot. They're so dumb. I haven't heard from Leigh Ann like I texted her and she hasn't come back.

Yeah, I mean it sounded when she left this morning like she was going to be late. They have some drama going on. That's a sad situation. Yeah, yeah. Paid and dating. It's difficult. It takes work. I don't think I've figured out how to do either perfectly yet.

I'm not sweared. Yeah. Well, it's because it's hard. There's no reason to be doing this stuff to yourself. You don't need to do it. No. Do you think they fart in front of each other, these people like we do? I don't know.

I don't know. That's a good question. The quietest of the neighbors. I love you so much. They just fucked in the back. Oh my. Now here's Tall and Kale going out. He's super sensitive and I know he's sad about this meeting because I think he thinks you're

going to ask. You're going to take some time away from him so be gentle. So we're going to this meeting with Jesse and we have to figure out time management. Oh, she's been full of fun. I want to sit down with him. I want to get a little more clear with what his rules exactly are with Jen because that affects me. Maybe.

I want everybody to get along and be happy and I really like the way things are and I don't particularly want them to change. I just kind of wanted us to all sit down and chat. The whole dynamics have kind of shifted and pretty much all the rules and stuff from here and second hand through Jen. Are you ready for this conversation I'm going to have? So annoying. So I just kind of wanted to sit down and really hear, you know, understand where I'm coming

from. Yeah. Yeah. Jen's used to being able to kiss guys. I'm not used to that. I'm just really uncomfortable for me so I've asked her not to kiss anyone on the lips except you. It's a competitive thing with me with men and like I don't feel that really with women

so like I don't mind if she kisses women. It's hard a little bit because it kind of sometimes makes me feel like I have to reciprocate that and that's totally uncomfortable for me. But reciprocate you mean if I if I get a girl to kiss you then I get to kiss a guy. Then I should make you I should make a guy kiss you or I should let a guy kiss you and like I don't want to. Yeah. It seems healthy.

It seems like a good. It's a lot of drama to have in your life, isn't it? Isn't life hard enough without working out a poly by life? I mean Jesus Christ. How many hours in the day do you think people have? Yeah. That's a good question. Too much time.

So I got to take her home tonight? Yes. She's all yours. I love your wife. Take that patchouli puss home. She's so grody too. Megan to John. I mean by the local flower shop.

It's a place I visit regularly. I visit regularly. Enough. Enough of these fucking idiots. Megan and I have been together for nearly three years. Ridiculous. Yeah. My poly by life.

The poly by lifestyle. I feel like you haven't been appreciating my farts lately. Why do you say that? Well, I mean, I don't want to come across as upset with you, but I feel like I fart and you don't acknowledge them properly. I don't think that's true at all. We've been doing two thumbs up a lot and we've both been playing back and forth. Playing.

Yeah. That's another weird thing. Yeah. We both have. I mean, last night, you even made me get a match. Yeah. That was horrendous. Thank you.

Why did you wait for bedtime for that? I didn't know that that was coming like that. You did. How would I know that? Because you kept saying, you're like, I have to shit. I have to shit. And I was like, go fucking shit, man. And then you brought the farts in the bedroom instead.

You knew what you were doing. You knew you were playing with fire. You made me bring fire into the equation. I didn't appreciate that. Hey, by the way. So what were you guys thinking? Maybe having Kamala, you know, this is the bot and she knows. This is the guy.

I'm sorry. We have to do this last one with our family. This is the most foolish guy in the world. So he fucks this girl and he's married, but he fucks the girl. And then afterwards immediately is like, I got to, I got to get this girl to do a threesome with my wife. And she has some questions and he's like, no, no, no, that's cool. And he, you know, has to talk her into.

Yeah. He's the kind of guy that wears hemp necklaces and he's got like a bob haircut and thumb rings and a lot of hemp clothing and just so full of it. He needs sex all the time. Yeah. He's so sensitive and bullshitty. To each other. I'm really putting myself out there.

I want that from Rachel and I want that with Rachel. I had a really nice talk with Kamala. We talked about your nice relationship and she's very approving. You know, obviously we have a really nice sexual connection, but I'd like to take it a little bit deeper with you and not just cure you. You don't need to answer right now. I thought you were going to break up with me after we just fucked on the floor. Exactly.

I got what I needed. One of the things that I've noticed a lot of times I come over here and it's kind of taking me away from the pod a little bit. And I wanted to kind of talk to you about the possibility of kind of integrating more with our family. It's important if we want to take it to the next level for me to meet everyone and have a connection with them as well. Yeah.

Yeah, not just meet everybody, but not just carry them and hang out with them. Well, a big part of polyamory for me is group interactions. Interactions. Play together. Play. I spoke with Kamala. She likes you a lot and she knows that you're bisexual and she's open to the possibility of playing with you or with us at some time.

Kamala is my primary. By the way, you are my primary, okay? I hope. If Rachel's going to go deeper with me and she's going to end up having to interact with my primary at some point. So what were you guys thinking? Maybe having Kamala come into our bed and have sex with us. Well, I'm just kind of trying to understand the way this conversation's going.

Because you're saying that you want to connect with me and go deeper with me, but then you're also introducing the idea of bringing your wife into our sex life. So it seems like contradictory to want to go deeper with me to bring someone else in to have sex. Yeah, I can totally hear that. You fucking asshole. Of course it's contradictory. Yeah, no, I hear that.

Moving along. If you let me explain. Going deep means getting married and not having sex with other people. And for us, that's not the case. For us. For us actually means bringing other lovers in. He's so trying here, like to not. His eyes are so wide.

And the thing, you know when you're asking for extra cake and no one else has had a piece yet, you're like, but that I have a deficiency where I need. That's what he's doing. You know, he wants it all. And he's trying to talk his way into it. So afraid of losing this piece. He's afraid of losing this piece of puss right here. Yeah, such a good piece for him.

He's like, oh, it's a good piece. God damn you. Unreal. I understand that. And I love when he's like, yeah, yeah. That is logical. No, I hear you. That is logically consistent and accurate.

But let me argue you out of your logical consistency. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I totally hear what you're saying. You fucking scumbag. Just scumbag. Yeah.

These girls, I mean, you got to be damaged to be like, yeah, no, it's fine. Let's open it up. Bring another women. Sure. I'm sorry, but you got to get your life. Most women, most women are really. Look, I'm territorial. I want my baby daddy to be the only, you know.

Yeah. It kind of serves a purpose. Yeah. If you can handle it, great. Good for you. Lick my ass. Lick my ass. Yeah.

Lick it. That's what he needs to be doing though. Lick mess. But nobody wants to be number two. We were talking about this. Yeah. There's no bitch out there that's like, yeah, yeah. I don't mind being your second.

It's the thing is that some bitches will tell a dude that they're cool with it. You hear about this, like the side piece who will be like, I'm cool with that. She's never ultimately cool with that. Nobody would be. She's saying that she's cool with that to get in there. Yeah. Because of something you got, which is probably money. Yes.

And then she goes like, I'm cool. I'm cool with this. Like these athletes have it all the time. The rich and famous athletes will be like, married or have a girlfriend and a side piece. And then the side piece will be like, yeah, whenever you're in town, she wants to be number one though. They all do. She's not like, I'm thrilled to be like getting your last nut that you can barely squeeze

out of you. Well, that's what we're talking about Camille Cosby. Because I asked you, I was like, why would she stay with a monster? Why would you stay with a rapist, a serial rapist? And you said, because she doesn't want to be second bitch. She's still the head bitch. And she doesn't want somebody to be the main squeeze, even as horrific as her husband is. She still wants to be in charge there.

Because that's her house. That's her furniture. The woman needs to be the head of her household. You can't have other bitches in your house. Can't bring hoes home. No way, bro. That's my house. And I've always been really good about that.

You have been. Thank you. You've been very respectful of our pod. Yeah. So we got another video from our buddy, Peter. Don't trust friends. They're the worst. They're the worst.

This one is about an issue that I didn't know existed. I didn't know this was going to happen a lot. I'm contacted by so many people that asked me about having a raven as a pet. What? Really? It's a problem. There's a lot of people in Brooklyn. A lot of people want a raven as a pet?

How would you even... I'm contacted by so many people that asked me about having a raven as a pet. And I'm trying to scourge all of them. You want to have a bird that has a steak knife or a beak? Are you kidding me? By the way, he's giving this speech on his channel with a raven on his shoulder. Right. So he's like, don't do what I'm...

Right. But he's Peter Cain. Of course. He's not the same thing. Yeah. But that beak, by the way, does look like a steak knife. How does that bird not peck his eye? Got a fucking steak knife as a beak?

It's a problem. So many hipsters with ravens as pets. I'm trying to scourge all of them. You want to have a bird that has a steak knife or a beak? Are you kidding me? Ravens, crows, even a lot of the parrots, the gray parrots. Fuck that. A lot of these birds are really not appropriate for the first time bird owner.

They're not. You're going to get bit. And if you're going to get a bird, that's something that I want to say. Are you willing to get bit because it can hurt? A bird like this? Are you kidding me? It's going to happen. That's how they interact with other birds with their beak.

The problem is you're not another bird. You're going to get bit at some point. You're going to get pecked. And it doesn't matter if you have a raven or a pigeon. It's going to happen. So I suggest if you're considering a raven, you better get pecked by a pigeon first and make sure that you're willing to put up with it. That thing looks terrifying.

It's terrifying. That thing looks terrifying. It's huge. Why does somebody want that? What is wrong with people? I mean, it's so fucking stupid. Well, I like how he's like, if you want to go raven, you got to go get bitten by pigeons first.

I got to go to the park. He's saying, let little dog bite you before big dog. Yeah. That's what's up. Dude, all these people that want these crazy fucking pets, that's another like lane of person. So stupid. You got snakes.

Spiders. Yeah, tarantulas and shit. Rats. I want this bird that will fucking poke my eye out. I think it will eat your eye out of your fucking face. What's wrong with you? They don't love you either. No.

I mean, the bird wants to fucking pack your eyes out. And leave. He's like, I want to fly, you fag. They're a lot of work. They're a lot of work and they can be dominant at times. They can. They can get very dominant and that's just how it is. Man.

Think twice about getting a raven. Okay. Think twice. It's a huge problem. About getting a raven. All these hipsters in Williamsburg and they're ravens. Or a crow, a pied crow. No, thanks.

A great parrot, you know. Do your research. Do your research. Sam's awesome. Don't get me wrong. I love the guy. He's fucking awesome. But remember one thing.

I'm a professional. You know, I don't have children running around the house. That's a big thing. If you're going to get a raven or a crow, you can't have kids around. You're insane. Don't even consider it. You know, the bird will live. If I had kids, I'd have to get rid of Sam.

I would. Or he'd be in a cage for the rest of his life. You want to have a bird that's in a cage for its entire life? Don't get a raven. Don't. Unless you know what you're getting yourself into. It's not Bart Simpson. It's not.

It's a large bird with a very sharp beak. Okay. Bart Simpson. I don't know. I have no idea what that means. I've literally in my life never heard someone say I want to get a raven. I had no idea. I'm thinking about getting a raven.

Yeah. Komodo dragon. It makes no... He's right though. Birds... First of all, I don't know how Peter takes care of all these animals. I know he has a raven. I know he's got a fence.

He's got dogs. He's got a lot of animals. He lives for them. He loves them. It's a full time. I know. It's a lot of work. It's a really lot of work.

But birds are shitty pets. Have you ever had a bird? As a kid, we had a couple little... What are they? Little parakeets? Like little tweet tweedles. Yeah. And all they do, what?

They shit. They chirp. And some are assholes. We had a few. And there's like one or two that are real sweet, you know? They go on your finger and they would rub their head on your chin. Oh, that's nice. Yeah.

That kind of thing. But then the next one would do what he's saying, would poke at you. But it's also communicating that way. Yeah. They're not really meant to be birds or tough animal to have, for sure. Yeah, yeah. They should be flying around. So inhumane.

Yeah. Those big parrots. Remember when we went to some hotel? I was in an ohai. And that parakeet though, he was huge, like beautiful white ones. Yeah. And we used to say dirty curse words and stuff. That's the only good thing about having a bird like that.

Pretty much is. Yeah. Here's my pussy. So crazy. Don't get a raven. Raven. A raven. By the way, we didn't really explore our opening video.

Oh, right. Yeah. It's pretty great. We are learning more about two people who had sex in the middle of a Norfolk parking lot. It happened during the day and landed one of them in jail. Norfolk. Norfolk, Virginia?

Yeah. That's where the Virginia Beach funny bone is. That's where we conceived our beautiful son. Yeah. I can't wait to take him back. Is this us? Did we get caught? Yeah.

Are you excited to go back there one day and be like boo boo, this is where you were conceived. There's a Ruth Chris steakhouse. Right there. Yep. There's a comedy club and this is the parking lot where mom and I made you. We were both drunk and in the mood. As the couple told News Channel 3's Gabriela DeLuca, they were fueled by alcohol and

spontaneity. Yeah. Gabriela joins us live near Gen of Shopping Center with the interview new at 4. Gabriela. Hi there, Beverly. Well, it all happened in this parking lot. Hi there, Beverly. The woman was charged with being drunk in public.

What happened to her today? Why the middle of a parking lot? Why the middle of the day? She told me she was in the mood. Yeah, bitch. Because I was in the mood and I mean, that's basically what happened. What got you in the mood? Alcohol.

Drop tipsy, too frisky. There's a still photograph of the lady like mounting the man right now in the parking lot. And his dick and balls are blurred out. In the middle of the day on the floor of a parking lot, like just on the ground. It's pretty crazy. Yeah, at least go in the car. Yeah.

Let me see. Oh my God. Yeah, they're just fucking right there on the pavement. Yeah, that's kind of odd. And it's broad daylight. Yeah, you may want to go into a car. Of a mall? At least an alleyway.

Kimberly Jackson is blaming alcohol for this. It landed her in jail, charged with drunk in public. Did you think you wouldn't get caught? The alcohol made me think that I wouldn't. That would. I'm not into, you know, erotic public sex or anything like that. But that's what you did yesterday, though. I know.

And that was all the alcohol. This is why local news is the best. I know. Hunches. But he says he was just passed out from drinking. I'm just in here trying to clear her name. I don't know. I can sit there.

But why in the middle of the day, in the middle of a parking lot? Everyone wants to be spontaneous. Not being disrespectful to you. Have you ever been spontaneous? I like that he turns it around on the inner. On the newscast. I mean, haven't you ever fucked in a parking lot? That's what you do, by the way.

That's the go-to move of when you're in trouble. You turn on the other person. Have you ever lied? Haven't you ever? Have you ever made a bad decision? Yeah. You've ever done anything bad before? Yeah.

And then they're like, oh, okay. You never fucked in a parking lot? Not that spontaneous. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right.

Hey, there's, I don't know if it's true or not, but there's rumors abuzz that this guy, we played his video last week, Slim Jesus. Yes. That he's dead. Yeah. That's such a, you show me that. That's terrible. I don't know if that's true or not.

I hope not. He's so young. He's like 17. He's so young. And I don't know if I'm trying to figure out if it's true. Slim Jesus. Hell no. I hope not.

Poor kid. He's probably hanging out with riffraff though. That'll do it. I don't think he's dead. Why would they? I don't know. How did you hear he was dead? I saw it online on, what's it called?

Slim Jesus. I saw it on Twitter. I was looking the kid up and said he was dead. It said he was killed in a drive by. Well. But I don't think, I don't think it's true. Because I just went to like another search of him and there's no mention of that. Well, I mean, does anybody know this kid?

That's the thing that they do these. I don't like these death hoaxes all the time. Yeah. It's super annoying. I know. Well, let's hope he's not. If you know this kid, let us know. Guys, it's slim Jesus dead.

Yeah. Can I read you some mommy mail? That's his raps. That's his raps. Yeah. His raps aren't bad. You don't mind his raps? It's not bad.

I mean, what do I know about rap music? But I think he's okay, right? He's all right. He's not bad. It's a hoax. Well, he's not well known enough to have a hoax. I don't know. I don't know why it started, but.

Okay. Can I read to my mom? Yes. This one's from Seth. It's very exciting. It says, dear mommies, I would like to know the exact location of the Cincinnati fart so that I may make a pilgrimage to the area and pay my respects. Also, is there any sort of ritual or customary offering that must be performed when I arrive?

Thanks, Seth. Do you want to tell him? The exact location? Yeah. Let's tell him. What's the name of the hotel? The Renaissance. Cincinnati.

Downtown. Do you remember the room number? That's tough. The room number is on the 16th floor. 1642. No. 1616. 1618.

1618. Wow, you remember that? Yeah. There you go. And is there anything you should do? Absolutely. A pilgrimage. A pilgrimage to your mecca.

I understand how that is. I would like you to replicate what I had to go through to create that fart. So what you're going to do is get pregnant for five or six months and then go on that cruise. We went on that cruise. What was it? Yes. And I ate the buffet.

We went on the riverboat cruise. Yeah. That's what did it. That's what did it. Yeah. Because guess who skipped that buffet? Yeah. Completely.

Yeah. What? The steak? That's when I farted. That's the Cincinnati fart. Interesting. Interesting. So it wasn't the what?

It was rehearsal. It was rehearsal. That's right. So what I ate on that boat, you got to go there. You have to get the chicken. They have chicken and then they got mashed potatoes. I ate a lot of those. And some bread and butter.

And ate a lot of mashed potatoes and lay down. You got to lay down after. That's key to all of this. She's giving you the formula. Yeah. I can't believe you're just giving it away. My secret recipe got laid down for an hour and then get up, walk to the door because that's where I did it right by the

doorway when Tom came back and then let it go. And don't get a raven. Don't get a raven. God, that's right. That was really amazing. Wow. You just, you know, you just did like a behind the music kind of story.

You know, it's funny the details for a while. I forgot. And then it just came back to me right now. But I like that you're sharing them. Yeah. You're not keeping it all to yourself. Why? What's the point in keeping it?

What's the big secret, you know? Yeah. I want other people to know joy. Wow. Also, we've gotten some mail about, remember I put a call out asking people, do you jerk off to videos of yourself jerking off? Yeah. That's a pretty troubling thing to ask.

And I'm assuming there just was no responses, right? Right? Oh, there's a few. Oh, okay. Hey guys, I'm not sure if this is the same as jerking off to a video of myself jerking off, but there was a time where I would only jerk off by looking at my butt in a mirror and imagining it was a woman's butt.

Wow. That's a weird one. That's very interesting. That's so bizarre. I know. So he would look at his butt in a mirror and imagine it's a, wow, man. It's amazing.

It's amazing the way the human mind works. Reptilian brains. Yeah. Here's another one. He's, I felt that I should let you know that yes, some of us do use videos of yourself whacking it while we masturbate. I can't speak for others who do this and I don't know how common it is, but I can tell you that for me, the Allure is

witnessing one's own sexual power. It is probably similar to Patrick Bateman in American Psycho Flexing for himself in America During Sex. I'm definitely not in as good a shape as Christian Bale, however. So he likes to watch himself. Yeah. God.

So there you go. There was another one though. Well, that's, I don't know where that one is. The one you read me at home was amazing. Really? Yeah. The one about this subject. Yes.

I don't know where it is. Come on. Hold on. Is it in the PDF? No. No. It's the one about the video, remember? Yeah, but that was nonsense.

That guy was like nonsense. Oh, okay. It didn't make, the guy was like writing cookie shoes. It didn't make sense. Well, I want to read an email that we got about something that I know speaks to you and that is you have a thing for our mailman. I don't have a thing.

I don't have a thing for him at all. You always say that and I don't like him. He's not my guy. Stop it. You're so attracted. Stop it. I'm fine. I see the NRE you guys have and it's fine.

It gives me a charge to see you so excited. Dude, he's not. He's not for me. I'm telling you. First of all, he's really not my age. He's so old. He's a nice guy, but he's not my type. He's not that old.

He's like my dad's age. He's younger than your dad for sure. He's a sweet guy, but he's just not. He's not my style, babe. He's really not. Okay. Well, I see the chemistry. Chemistry?

And I see you looking. That's a very guilty laugh. I'm glad that you're doing it so everyone can hear the laugh. You caught me looking? I've caught you looking and licking your lips before. When? When have you caught me looking at him? I'm picturing him.

I've seen you. I'm picturing him and he pulls up in his little car and he's got his shorts on. He's not very sexual for me. Sure. We talked about how you like to look at his legs. He's told you that a lot of ladies make comments about his legs. Here's what happened. This is what happened one day.

This is honest to God's story. He brought back a parcel to our house and I was doing yoga in the house. I said, I was just talking to him. Very natural, normal. Oh, hey, yeah, I was just doing yoga. And I think he misinterpreted that as the lonely housewife. My husband's not here. He asks about you.

Oh, Tom's on the road. What's up with you? Very innocent. And then he kind of brought up his shorts. I think he thought I was trying to hook up with him that day. I think he was fishing, yes. And he goes, you know, some ladies, they say, they say, I really like how your legs look in those shorts.

And I just started like, yeah, uh-huh. What are you talking about? And you were like, get your life crazy. What else is up those shorts? No. Did you ask him? Hey, Ben. Did you reach inside?

Shorts? Yeah. Bukowski? No. He is. He's like, post office. We got this email from a listener said, hey, mom, he's just a heads up. I'm a 31 year old mailman of 10 years and my legs is sexy as fuck.

My eyebrows be on fleek. FYI, UPS and FedEx both bring us loads of parcels every day on top of our own parcels. We lift heavy shit all day in capital letters. I demand an apology. You're damn right you wouldn't do this if you were paid because you couldn't handle it. When Sakato Sensei saw how fast I sorted mail, I got to drop out of fourth grade and go into karate full time.

Well, I apologize. I apologize. Is that a fart? No. No, it was my leg. Look, nobody's doubting how that's hard. Lifting mail all day. And it makes your legs nice.

Makes your legs strong. Yeah. Makes your legs nice. Will you at least admit that our guy has nice legs? But our guy doesn't lift those parcels. He's old and his legs are skinny, babe. He's really old. He's not cute.

This guy's 31. That's different. Our guy's old, dude. You don't think his legs are nice at all? He's got like little kid legs. He's got like little boy legs or skinny. You've never even... Stop it.

Would you stop it? Have you ever copped a fuel? No, nothing. Stop it. Stop it. This first, the Whole Foods guy, you think I have a boyfriend at Whole Foods? You totally have a poly thing going on. And now I have the postman.

You and that guy at Whole Foods are embarrassing together. My stomach can't explode. Stop it. You can't get me off your track by laughing. Stop it. Stop it. I know what you're doing. It's a fucking 101 tactic for diversion.

Oh, yeah. It's so funny. You and that Whole Foods guys are like so flirty and I see you giving each other eyes all the time. Okay. Laugh it up. Laugh it up. It's gross.

I don't know. Wait, what part do you think... How am I flirting? I'm seven months pregnant. Do you think that I... Is it my dress? Because you know he can bathe in there if he wants to. You think I flirt with people when I look like this?

This huge belly. I think you look beautiful. Constipated. I'm fatter than I've ever been. You look great. This is the time. You look great. Yeah.

You got it. You got me. You got it. What about you and your massages? What about them? Who's your girl now? Yeah, I've had the same girl for a long time. Singchang?

What's her name? Dixuck? Her name is... Damyung Suck. Damyung Suck. Yeah. What about her? What about her?

I'm sure you're getting it jacked every time you go see her. Yeah. That's my move. How did you get her to jack it the first time? How do you start... How do you open that? I just go like... It's still...

I'm still sore. She goes away. More over here. I'm going to keep... No. And then I kind of just... I kind of lean into it, you know? Like you...

Do you put her hand on it? No. I kind of... I try to let it fall into her hand. And then I go right there. Like that. Right there. Mm-hmm.

I go like that. How much more do you have to pay for that? That's what I say. I go, do you want to make 15 extra dollars right now? You think that's $15? That's it, huh? I mean... Well...

From where she's from, it's like... Oh, it's a year's salary. I'm going to be on top of this. For sure, yeah. Yeah. She sends that back to her family. Yeah. And they live for a year.

Buy your son a car. I just gave you 20 bucks. What about... Remember that prostitute math? What was it? Like for cream pie, I get... Oh, 100 bucks. And then that morning after pills, only 40.

It's 60 bucks right in my pocket. That's a good deal. It probably is more to get jacked than she got to have a cream pie. Yeah. I think you're right. Yeah. I think it's way more lucrative to just jack dicks all day than to take cream pies. Probably.

Oh, it's definitely less intrusive to wipe your hand off than it is to take a load in you from a stranger. Why would you even... Why would you even opt for that? I don't know. And have it on the internet forever? It just shows you how fucking awesome people are. Yeah.

Just become a massage therapist and jack dicks. Speaking of dick jacking, you didn't read this email. Go for it. I'd love for you to read it, please. All right. Here it goes. Sure. It says, what up, Jeans?

Long time listener, first time writer. I'm emailing you to weigh in on the coming on your shit segment. In quotation marks. That's a segment like it's Oprah or something. I was in the army and what I learned in my career was I was more efficient when I was multitasking. So to save time when I had to brown, I dump a clip. My intention wasn't to coat my brown with man batter, but too quickly to get to where

I needed to be. It's impossible to do both the same time. So the correct order is brown, beat pud, clean yourself. You folks are the best, keeping them high and tight. Yeah, that's what I said. This guy who was doing it that I knew, wasn't in the military, wasn't that kind of guy, but that's what I thought. Maybe it's a utility thing.

Shit, jerk, shower. Right? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, do you think you're going to give it a shot now? Shit, jerk, shower. I mean, I have shit jerked in shower. Sure.

Oh yeah. But he can't use the military. Right. I get it. You only have limited time and you've got to get in what you need to get in. I'm a little more amazed by the jerking in at work guys. Guys in office jobs that are jerking in. They're such animals.

I mean, a friend of mine told me he did it in his cubicle, which that just seems so high-risk, which I guess is part of the thrill, right? It's part of the fun. I can get fired. This is so great in the cubicle and that's open. You've got one side completely open. That's tough. That is tough.

That's really something. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there you go. Jesus. What a wonderful conversation. What an interesting show. What if you'll ever fucking stop flirting with?

Stop it. Stop it. My neck's going to explode from laughing. The mailman and the Whole Foods guy. I have so many paramours right now. By the way, someone else pointed out that our... I'm flirting, yeah. You're such a flirt.

I'm short, yeah. Dear friend of the show, Mr. Steven Seagal. I mean, I am the king of improv, if you'll forgive my saying so. Has this official biography? No. Yeah. Oh, no. We read his IMDB page last time.

Oh, my God, yeah. This is his biography on his site. Okay? Steven Seagal is a man of diverse character whose spiritual beliefs and humanity are woven into every aspect of his life. Oh, boy. A son of a math teacher and medical technician, Steven's humble childhood was underscored by a fascination with the martial arts and the blues.

Some would say that is a strange combination, but ask any martial arts expert or blues legend, and they will both tell you it is the spirit that reaches deep within your soul that drives the artistry. Call it an obsession or a calling, but Steven mastered martial arts at an early age, becoming a seventh degree black belt and Akito master. By the way, he has still shots of him participating in Akito probably 35 years ago, and I believe he has filled in his balding in his hair in the shots because I've seen footage of this before where he's totally back then like thinned out like there's no hair and

in the still, it's full. So he had it altered for his website. Yeah. It's pretty nice. But here's the thing, not just altered, not just filled in, it's filled in dark jet black. Yeah. Like these pictures here, I've seen the, I've seen him see that picture there, the little ones where he's wearing the outfit and and kicky footing.

Yeah. He has hair in those photos, but in that era, he had no hair. Oh, your kid, like at all, I'll show you. Yeah. Wow. But so he's totally photoshopped that. Yeah. And it's like jet black hair.

It's so ridiculous. Yeah. I wish you would do that. When are you going to start dyeing your hair jet black? I'm going to do it soon. You want it to be fuller and thicker? Okay. Here's footage of him.

I'm going to show you. This is from God. This has got to be, it's got to be 30 plus years ago. And he's got long hair in the back, but on top the hair is totally thinned out and he's doing his, his bullshit kicky foot stuff. Oh my God, he's so bald. He's such a lunatic, man. This guy, I really want to get him on the show.

You think he'll do it? Yeah. He's accessible. I think he might be accessible enough. If we appeal to his vanity and his martial artistry, let's see. He's on Twitter, right? He's got a team on Twitter. See, we need to find out who he's, like how we found Gloria Stefan.

Remember how we called Emilio? Yeah. We need to figure out who, I know who his agent is, if he's still with the same guy. Let's call them. And do you want to try to get, um, let's see, let's see if we can find his representation. And then maybe he'll do a phone or he's so ridiculous. Through justice for reels. That's his big movie.

God, he's out of his fucking mind. I think you have more Twitter followers than Steven Segal right now. No, I can't. How's that possible? I love this song. It's blues, but it's done in that Asian motif that sits so nicely with the blues. It's Asian blues, you know? This lady here is waiting for a gentleman to come in the room.

So so those of you can't, you can't see this video. It opens on the lying Buddha, that very famous lying down Buddha. And then he and everyone in his band are wearing like Buddhist monk robes. Yeah. Is that what those are called? I don't even know. Full button kind of. Yeah.

In monk robes. But then he's doing his girl. And then a beautiful Thai girl with a flower in her ear command comes on and she says, this nice gentleman sing a song for me. Steven Segal, how do you say it put in my rectum? Very full hair and then the guitar strap is of the Southwestern American motif that pattern, you know, that you always see in the Southwest. My favorite.

So we're hitting all the different regions. They all say blues when they all say throw it together. Mix it up. You know, girl, it's all right. What the fuck is he talking about? All the kids are doing Tai Chi and shit. And then he's standing in front of like some Buddhist temple with the full band and there's candles lit.

He's out of his mind. Somebody get this guy off of the fucking pipe. He's crazy. Jesus. We need to call him and interview him about his music, about his police work, about everything. Jesus. Should we get our should we get our mommies on it on Twitter? Yeah, it'd be great.

That would be great. All right. By the way, I started watching Narcos on yeah, Narcos. You did last night in bed full volume with your laptop on your chest and I wear butt plugs to bed and I hear I'm like, are you watching Sabado Higante? What is this shit? Did you know they cancel Sabado Higante? Yeah, it ran for a pretty long time.

Oh, pretty upset. Yeah, guys, let's start tweeting Steven Seagal. Let's get Seagal like we did. What is the S Seagal official or something? It's a fun. He is at S S E A G A L official at S Seagal official, but Seagal Seagal S E A G A L. How do you say his fucking last name? I think people say Seagal Seagal or Seagal's.

There you go. Let's get him. Let's start on it, guys. Zen story of no two monks that were walking across the bridge. Yeah. And the junior monk said to his teacher, he said, what is the Buddha nature? Oh, boy. And the other one picked him up and threw him in the water.

You know, you know, you know. I got to say, I admire his, you know, just some people just always put it out there and they don't care. Yeah. Other people think I really admire that quality about him because he's like, I do it all. I do everything possible in the world. I don't give a fuck what you think about it. I'm just the best.

Yeah. Like that level of self-esteem or delusion, whatever that is, I really admire it. I don't have like an ounce of that. I don't have enough of that, I think. Well, you can. Delusion. You can. You can start it whenever you want.

If you're really committed to the game, you can do it. Hey, can you read that dental update I sent you? Holy shit. God, it's so fucking crazy. It's time for a dental update. Well, after six years of severe mental depression and only brushing my teeth literally less than 20 times in that six year period. Oh my God.

And drinking around two pots of coffee a day with around a quarter cup of sugar per cup of coffee, I slowly watched my front teeth melt away to the point where it looks like I smoked meth for years. I have an open mouth smile in seven years. Oh. And now that I've cured my depression, congratulations, by taking seven grams of dried, what is that, silo-sybin mushrooms, I've now brushed my teeth every morning and sometimes at night. Hey, good.

Big, big change, congratulations. The teeth's decay has slowed and my suicidal depression is gone. The looking at my pirate mouth in the morning is a sure start to make my depression creep back in. I honestly wish I could go back in time and tell myself to either do a massive amount of shrooms to cure my fucked up head or see a psychiatrist because now talking to people or trying to date is extremely hard and I have to always be guarded when I find something funny.

That's terrible. It really messes up your life to have bad teeth. You can't even express yourself properly. Poor guy. I guess I will try to do my best to not scare your crowd, Tom, because I'm going to see your show on October night at the Acme Comedy Club in Minnesota. I've been a long time gene supporter and listener and seeing the main mommy live in person will surely blow my mind.

Rude. I liked you up until then. I've listened to every episode of That's Deep Bro and I've thoroughly enjoyed your comedy, Man of the Year as well. Thank you. Thank you. I like you again. Your podcast has been very helpful in understanding some of my own problems.

Well, moms, attached is the horrificness that is my daily nightmare. Please realize this came from some serious depression and psychosis and I have never in my life touched meth or any other drug associated with this kind of tooth decay, just sugar, depression, and pure neglect. Sincerely, Val. Look, man, first of all, I applaud you for having the guts to share and I think it's wonderful that you are now taking care of your teeth. Here's what you got to do, man.

We've always said this. I'm a big, big believer in this. I know you support this too. You say, fuck it. You whip out the plastic and it's OK to get some debt to feel good about what's on your face. So you go to the dentist now, have him evaluate, and look, here's another thing I'll tell you.

Some of these dentists, man, I'm serious about this. You tell them the truth about what's going on and what led to this. They're not going to do it for free, but I bet you if you talk to a couple, one will give you favorable pricing. It's going to be a few grand. Just take the debt. You know why? It's worth it to pay that bill for a little while to feel good about smiling and have the

confidence to talk to people. And dating. You want to get back in there. You want to love people. So if you go, well, you know, this guy said to fix this fucking $5,000. Do it, bro. That's the cost of feeling good. Do it.

And also, I don't know what part, does he say where he's located? I don't know, but he's going to my show in Minneapolis. Maybe he's in Miami. Well, Minneapolis is a major city. Also, I've heard that dental schools, I know UCLA dental school will take you and help you for a significantly reduced rate because you have the students who are supervised working on you. So maybe check out a local dental school in Mamiapolis if that's the nearest big city.

I would try to get a referral to a dentist, you know, maybe talk to some people. Somebody nice. You know, figure out who the dentist people recommend, make an appointment, go in there and say, here's my situation and, you know, get them fixed, man. Get them fixed. You've got to. You'll feel so much, but you don't want to go 30 years like people do and they're like, well, it was expensive.

I just never did it. No. Well, plus it gets worse. Yeah. Decay spreads. You got to take care of it. Foot the bill. Like just pay it.

You'll pay it off over time. It's going to be a bill that you're happy to pay. I'll tell you that. Yeah. It's worth it. You'll get on payments or whatever. You'll be happy to pay that bill because of how you're going to feel. Yeah.

And a lot of dental offices have like credit, like care credit or whatever that's called. I remember I had to take out a line of credit many, many years ago to have my bonding stuff. Listen, I've, I'll tell you this. Everyone's done it. I, if you put me back in when I was my brokest, broke comic and, you know, we were together living in that one bedroom in a horrible part of town and, you know, we, we would run out of money and all that shit. And that either one of us was at a point where you're like, look, my teeth are all

fucked up. I still would have been like, we just got to put on a credit card and do it. Cause it gets worse. It gets worse, but not just that. It's because of what it would do to like your personality and your, and your self-esteem. That's why it's worth any amount of money. You got a cleaning coming up, Gene. I do.

I'm cleaning next week. You're going to have a dental update for us. I'll have a serious dental update. Now, have you been flossing? I'll, I'll admit it's gone down lately. You know? Yeah. Why do you think that is?

I don't know. I was really, really into it for a good while. I mean, I bought, when I was in Honoruru, I went out and bought flaws and I flossed there, but I haven't been as on top of it as I should have been. Can I, may I, may I give you a recommendation? Yeah. Before you go into that cleaning, start flossing now, because you've done it enough in the past that once you pick it up, you kind of can snap back into it fast, but you can't

cheat if you're not a flosser and then a week before the cleaning, you start flossing. That's not going to work. Right. But if you've been regular, you just kind of slacked, it actually really helps. She's going to sass you. Oh, I know. She's, she told me last time, she goes, you know, you need to brush your back teeth longer. Really?

And I was like, yeah, I fucking, everybody knows that bitch. Are you? God. Can I give you a recommendation? Yeah. Stop blowing our mailman. Okay. For your teeth.

Are you done? I'm talking about your teeth. Well, stop saying came in. Came in. Stop getting handjobs from came in. Hey, yeah. It muscles very tense and I need to make you relax more. That's what she says to you, huh?

Relax. What, what does she look like your masseuse? Um, let me see, like your typical tie check blonde, like five, nine. Um, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She like blue eyes. Same shit.

You'll see. Sure. May I, may I point out? You're like, oh, I'm going to go get him a massage. You come back three hours later and you're like, oh, I'm so tired. I gotta watch. You gotta take a shower real quick. You know, you're very conspicuous.

Same with the gym. Yeah. You're like, I'm going to go work out three hours later. And always showered. Always freshly showered. Yeah. Oh, he's going to hit the sack. I gotta go.

And then I go to bed. I sneak into bed. And you're like, Tom, what'd you do? I just meet people. That's what you say. I mean, I do. You know, it's fun. You get to meet people and talk to people.

I really enjoy that. That's one of my favorite aspects of, you know, I've been swimming more at our gym. You have been. I love it now. I'm hooked because it helps my back. But whenever I feel bad about my body, I look at the other women in the locker room. And I'm like, their bodies are way fucking worse than mine. Yeah.

I feel like when I go to the gym, I realize I have basically like a second-tier body, which feels good at the gym. Because there's the first-tier bodies, which are the amazing bodies, you know? And you go like, wow. The trainers. That's what everybody looks at, you know? Yeah. Just like the yoked.

And you just, bodies you admire. Yeah. And then you see these piles of dog shit walking around. And you're like, oh, I'm better than this, you know? So you realize you're above them. Well, just by age alone. So during the day when I go, it's mostly women over 50. Yeah.

And just by age alone, my body's way better, just because I'm a little bit younger. Yeah. I just realized I have a third-tier body. There's the second-tier bodies would be like the guys that are... Like mattresses? No, they're just like... They're just like the luxury firm. Yeah, exactly.

There's the luxury firms, and then there's the ones that are like... They're not yoked, but they're just like... They're just kind of physically fit. Yeah. You go, you know what? I keep looking at these tier one bodies, but I'd be happy with this tier two. Yeah. Those are the tier twos.

And then I'm tier three, but then there's definitely tier four, five, and six. Because I see them everywhere. But then there's tier, I guess, 10. There's people that just like... That's a motorized cart. Oh, sorry, is that 10? Yeah. Okay, so let's back it up.

I'd say seven, where there's guys that get into the pool. They're only lanes to swim. There's no hangout area. Yeah. But some morbidly obese, older guys with the tough bellies, the hardened bellies, they get in the pool and just sit at the end of the lane and talk about the tacos they ate last night. And you're like, bro, they don't even swim.

Well, they hang out at the gym. Those are the ones, too, that make me crazy of them. Our gym is going through a transition where they're going to be doing some amenities, adding some things to it, like a cafe, juice bar, and a couple of guys, I heard in the locker room, they're like, yeah, they're doing all this stuff. But it's like, guys like me, we just like to come here to lift, you know? And I look at him and I'm like, I had to bite my tongue from going like, you don't lift. You don't lift.

Yeah, because he looks like fucking dog shit. And then, well, I see them, they're the guys that do, they do the machines and they do them all wrong, like they use their whole body momentum to swing the weight. And I'm like, dude, you don't have to worry about what they do here because you don't lift weights. Like you just kind of fuck around. That's why I've seen you up there just pulling cables and you look like dog shit. Well, let's talk, okay, so tier 10 is like motorized cart fat.

Like those people don't even go to the gym. No, they really don't. There's a couple of real pigs coming with like canes and shit. Pigs. Yeah. But yeah, there's not like, you know, they're awful. And I would say nine is the elderly. Like just on visuals.

I'm not shitting on old people. I'm just saying like visually, your body's going to suck the most. There's a couple old people that I know. Old dudes that are in like crazy good shape at the gym couple, but most are not. Yeah. Most are falling apart. The lady, she's not elderly, but she's an older lady who want to talk a lot to me. She was there the last time I went swimming.

She's just a chatty Kathy. I figured out that her whole MO is just to hang out at the pool all day. Um, but her, like she's got that older lady body. Yeah. It's like super skinny, like turkey jerky, but then the skin's really just hanging. And, and plus she's been in the sun too long. You know what you want? You want a yoga body.

Everybody wants a yoga body. But I'm saying when you look at the old, I can tell that these old guys, they have like old guy yoga bodies. Yeah. That's how you maintain. That's true. Like like Blythe Danner. She's got like an old lady yoga body.

Like lean skin. I should put the weights down and just fucking start doing yoga. But you got to eat nothing. The key is for the yoga body. You can't have meats. You have to eat vegan. Yeah. You can't have cheese and pudding.

You know, you can't eat ribs if you got a yoga body. That's the thing. They're all vegetarians. Hmm. You got to change our bodies. Yoga body. The key is to go to the gym during the middle of the day. Cause that's when the retired people go to.

The worst time is the morning sessions. It's absolute chaos. Forget it. Those are the go-getters. Forget it. The evening. The after-work sessions. The workers.

Yeah. They're all in their 30s and 20s and they look amazing. Don't even bother. No. You get low self-esteem. Hey buddy. It's top dog. Hey buddy.

It's top dog. Hey buddy. It's top dog. You need to wipe down. It's top dog. Now normally I do these calls with top dog alone, but you were here in the room. Yeah. This time and you got to hear it, but it was so much fun that I don't feel badly playing

it again for you. It's amazing. Called the man this morning and this was, usually he's pressing the phone so hard against his ear that you get to hear the phone dial beep beep and I'm like, what are you doing? What? This is a new thing that what you're going to do is you're going to be able to hear this. This is a, this is a new thing that what you're going to hear now.

This is me calling him this morning. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hi dad. This is Tom. Yeah. This is your son.

Hold on a second. Okay. Hold on. Okay. This is your son. Hold on a second. Okay. Hold on.

Okay. This better. Can you hear me? I can hear you. Who's this? This is your son. Oh buddy. I'm down.

I watch and I couldn't, I couldn't tell who it was. That's cool. How's it going? Tom gave me her I watch. Mom gave her I watch. Yeah. How do you like it? I love it.

Yeah. You love it really? I need to learn how to work it more. Yeah. Yeah. I can confirm that. Yes. How's your morning?

Good. Good. Yeah. Yeah. How's your morning? Good. Good. Yeah.

How's your morning? Good. Good. By the way, what a fucking horrific weekend for old people in technology. Can we just cut them off completely? Like you heard me on the phone yesterday with my mother. Oh, it was an hour. Are you explaining how to try to work the I watch?

No. That was me telling her how to make an appointment at Apple. Oh, God. Yeah. No. First of all, when somebody tells you about their customer service problem, it's really, really unfair to that person listening. Nobody wants to hear it.

You know that you're like, then I talked to the guy and then he said to try the thing and you're like, dude, please stop telling me this. It's the worst story because you're picturing yourself having to listen to that joke. Stresses you out. Why are you stressing me out? It's the worst. She told me the story over and over. The next and then I talked to the next.

I'm like, God, you're wearing me out. And then so I don't know. I go, just make an appointment at Apple. You can go online, make an appointment at the Genius. Take all your, because obviously she couldn't resolve it over the phone. How do I do that? I go, just type in Apple store in your area appointment. Okay.

It says, I'm like, oh, fuck. So I had to walk her through searching for that. And then like, it just was the, it's the worst. Friends of the worst. Friends of the worst. Who would you rather walk through that procedure? A retarded child or your mom? Oh, a retarded child.

100%. A whole fucking bus full of them. Yeah. I would rather teach a bunch of severely mentally disabled people how to use technology than my mother. I think they would do better. I think so, because they're raised with it. The problem with old people, it's so foreign.

Why do they, why does she need an eye watch for anyway? She's a fucking pad of paper and a pen. That's all you need. You're old. Let's figure out the telephone. Why are they on the eye watches? Oh, fuck. She, maybe you want to see that Robert Redford walk in the trail with Nick Nolte.

Mm-hmm. And, you know, it's, it was a slow, Nick Nolte was, did a terrific acting job. Acting job? Is that like a hand job? Acting job. He did a great acting job. Oh, yeah. That guy, that was one of the best acting jobs I've ever seen.

Acting jobs. He played that role, played that role perfectly. I mean, perfectly. That's cool. But the story moves really slowly, okay? Yeah. Too slow for even mom, okay? You know, yesterday I had the itchiest asshole.

Well, I know that feeling. Yeah. And you never go and like, you go to a wipe and there's no brown and you think it's going to be brown. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think sometimes, you know, it's the type of dump you have and sometimes just kind

of gets in the cracks and grab the suit and it just itches. Yeah. It's like your skin or litch, but you know, your skin itches, but there's nothing on it sometimes. Well, that's right. Yeah. And you go and you keep scratching. Same kind of thing.

You know, I tell you what I did one time. You're going to die when I tell you this, but actually you're going to die. There's nothing I tell you. It makes you die anymore. But I had some itchiness. So I put, I just planted a bunch of toilet paper right in the crack in my ass because I didn't want it to get all over my underwear. So I would just reach back there and scratch and scratch in my ass, you know, using the

underwear is kind of like the gloves, so to speak. Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah, I did that. I'm kind of a pro when it comes to asshole maintenance. Yeah. That's for sure.

Hey, what do you, do you have any thoughts on like when, what do you do when you're constipated? Like do you have anything to do when you're constipated? Oh, I hate being constipated. I don't get constipated that much. Yeah. I do, you know, I take that central cell or metacusal, central cell works pretty good for me.

And some water and... Have you been hydrating? I know that you treat water like it's sulfuric acid. Have you been drinking any? Yeah, I know. I've been drinking. Yeah, I actually drank water yesterday, okay? Yeah.

And... I had some water yesterday. That's all you need once a day. That's like I went to the gym yesterday. Yesterday you had some water? Yeah. That's great. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I do. I've been drinking more water. I actually had some water yesterday. But you know, here's what you have to be careful of.

Because when you're on, in the east side of the airplane, you know, normally if your body just doesn't always go because it sits in your large intestine and the water is absorbed. Right. Like sits in your large intestine. No. Like sits in your large stool. I don't have that problem. I'm asking for...

Oh, you don't? No, I'm asking for Christina. Because in the pregnancy, sometimes she's constipated. Oh, you know, a lot of it's due to pregnancy. I mean, I think that baby pushes against everything. It just kind of, you know, it's got the pipes out of alignment. A lot of lines. Yeah, exactly.

That's really the issue. Do you ever tell... Yeah. Do you ever tell mom, do you ever tell her, show me how those big tits fart? How those what? How those big tits fart. No, no. I've ever told Bob that.

I got down there. That one. That part of my part. That part of her. That part of her. They leave an accident. Did you take a dump this morning? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. At the office. How was it? It was a good dump. You know, it was a good normal dump. You know, I was a three wiper and I was that. Oh, that's great. Hold on a second.

Wait, one second. One second. What's up? Oh, yeah, of course he poops at work. Yeah. Christina wants to know, do you have an etiquette for pooping at work? Oh, no. No.

No. I don't have an etiquette anywhere. Okay. There you go. Okay. No. I mean, I just go in, you know, sit down. I can't sit coming.

Mm-hmm. And I can tell by the usually starts off with the pre-fart. The pre-fart? Yeah. The pre-fart. The first part. Okay. It tells me it's there.

Yeah. And then I head in there and, you know, usually write it at a clock. At a clock, generally speaking. 8.15 is what you told me before. Yeah, but it's been 8 lately. Oh, that's a change. It's been going a bit earlier. And I was 8, and I was writing that time song.

Yeah. And it's good. It's good? That's good. You told me last week, I think, that you had one of those horrible episodes where you sat down, I think, at work and there was no toilet paper in the stall, or there was just a little bit. Oh, yeah. You know, that was a shocker because I looked there and saw that it's one of these automatic dispensers

that has the first roll, which is done with the first roll, but the second one falls down. Yeah, of course. There was no second one. So I used the first roll. So then I had to stand up. I had, you know, I left the underwear down because I didn't want to get, all right, underwear. I squeezed the cheeks together and I just wobbled over to the next stall. I sat down and pretty slightly.

So you waddled over, that means you waddled out of the stall naked, right? Like, no, nothing covering your twigging berries. Well, I pulled my pants up just in case. But I left underwear, you know, so I did pull my pants. The key, though, is to squeeze the cheeks so you don't get anything on your clothes. Now, when you sit in that second stall, is it super mushy what you find because you squeezed your cheeks? It depends how many wipes you had with the first stall. Oh, right.

It's super mushy. I've done that before. It's really mushy sometimes if you're just not in there. Or you have one wipe. But I had enough wipes, so it wasn't so bad. Oh, OK. That's good. That's good.

Well, this was fun. Please keep drinking water, Dad. Yeah, water is good. Water is good. There you go. Water is good. Water is good. Water is good.

Yeah, my dad drinks no water. He drinks fresh gun beer. I don't think I've never seen him just drink a glass of water in his entire life. Or club soda. He likes club soda. Yeah, club soda. Oh, my God. I was just looking at the eye watch.

Yeah. Have you seen how much these cost? No. Well, I just looked up 38mm or 18 carat rose gold case with white sport band. $10,000? Oh, no. That's the gold. Geez.

That's not what they got. What's the regular one? What's the regular one? Yeah. I don't know. Hold on. Where's the one for us regular people? Watch sport.

Maybe that's the one. Just like a plastic. Yeah, sure. Geez. Yeah, 349 bucks. Yeah. 399. Wow.

So you can talk into it? Like boop boop. Like fucking Star Wars? I think you could probably leave those voice notes, yeah. I don't know. Leave tax messages and stuff. I'll be there at 6. Like that shit.

It's so crazy. You want one? It's the Jetsons. I don't know. Let's hang out and see if it's really worth it, you know? Okay. You definitely want one. I can see it in your dog eyes.

You're going to get one of these tomorrow. You love pushy buttons. They've been up for a while. I didn't get one. I love buttoning. I do, but I didn't get one. You have to pick the one that's right for you. Well, here's the thing.

You've already invested in all your DJing equipment. How much have you spent on that? I went to look for a watch, actually, when I was in Honruu. I went into a watch store. But I didn't get one. But I just kind of passed the watch. Did you look at the watch? No.

I went into a regular watch store. You love watches. I know. But I'm saying you've already invested 20 grand in your DJing equipment. Right. Why not invest another 20 in an eye watch? Well, they don't have a $20,000 eye watch. They do.

I thought it was 10. Then there's other models that were like upper, upper, upper. Oh, then yeah, I'll get those. Yeah. Yeah. I'll give a shit. Take out a loan and get the nice eye watch. Yeah.

That's what it's all about. Well, because you got to look cool while you're DJing. It's not like you can just look like any old schlub. True. Okay, well, let's go get you one. Let's go ahead and do it right now. $20,000 eye watch. Thanks for listening, guys.

We love you. Keep your jeans up. And don't forget to come see me, Raleigh, DC. And the 26th, September. Your mom's house live. Yes. Ice house. Ice house in the main room.

Main room. Also Ventura comedy and San Jose. ThomsonGrad.com for all those tickets. And go to your mom's house podcast.com. Whoa. That was crazy. All right, we love you. We got to go.

Bye, jeans. Bye, jeans. The podcast now. We've had some laughs and then talked brown when it's time to end. The podcast now. Jeans up.

Wind down. You roll down. You roll down. HEY. You roll down. HEY. You roll down. HEY.

You roll down. HEY. You roll down. HEY. You roll down. HEY. You roll down. Hey.

2 3 Newton. We've had some fun. We've had some laughs. And we hope you all come running back. Now we've had some fun. And had some laughs. But please come on back. Hey.