Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 312-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 7, 2015

Tommy trimmed his beard and in doing so lost 40 pounds! Was it all hair or does he have an incurable disease? He thinks he knows and Tina doesn't agree! If you sweat at night you may want to get some blood work done today. Nothing seems quite as ridiculous as a sports fan losing his mind - especially if it's not in YOUR sport. Luckily, we have one of those guys and he has a wonderful accent. We are masters of accents on this show and will prove it.  We ALL know about King A** Ripper and his glorious skills - is someone ready to take the throne from him?!?! It appears that a PRINCE is near! Plus we finally put Peter Caine to rest and we top if off with an OMG Maria call for the AGES! Do NOT Kiss her P***y!

DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN Jeans. DUN DUN DUN DUN Jeans. You're good. You have really nice rhythms and things. Feeling good jeans. Jeans, jeans, jeans, jeans. Great time in Philadelphia this weekend. You guys are so amazing. Thank you so much for coming out and supporting me. All five shows were a blast. And I should note all five shows were sold out. So

I'm super appreciative. I can't thank you enough for that. This week I'm in Mamiapolis at Acme Comedy Club. One of the great comedy clubs in the country. I am there only Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. As of last week I know that my early show Thursday was sold out and I believe one of the other shows I forget which one. We'll go online right now.

Go to tomscura.com and you can get tickets to the remaining shows, whichever ones are available. From there a week later I'm in Oklahoma City, then Houston, Dallas, Austin, San Antonio. I don't know where those shows are at. But anyways, get your tickets now. Shortly thereafter Orlando Tampa in Fort Lauderdale. I added Buffalo. This is my big Buffalo announcement. Buffalo, I'm coming to do helium there November 6th, 7th, and 8th. Then of course I'm going back to Winnipeg of the famous

Winnipeg Bombing. And I round out my last two gigs before New Year's down here in Brea. Our New York City. I'm finally coming to New York City November 13th. And that will be for part of the festival. New York Comedy Festival. I'm at the Skirball on November 13th. And then the John Lyman Center for the Performing Arts in New Haven come Netacount on November 14th. All those tickets that I mentioned, tomscura.com. Jeans?

I'll be doing the Brea improv October 29th 8 o'clock show. One night only. 8 o'clock show, headlining. Come see me. And oh, listen to that bro. This week we talk about, I talk about saying no. Especially with the holidays coming up. You got to learn. You got to learn how to say no. You got to practice. Yeah, practice. Talk about practice. Other than that, I don't know. Go to 1000Rach.com for local dates. I'm usually at the Comedy Store every week.

Yeah. And what about this week? Are there still tickets for that? For the taping? Oh, by the time this drops, it'll be the night of, wow, yeah, this is not happening. I'm doing Ari Shafir's show. It's at Cheetahs in Hollywood October 7th, 730 show. Go to 1000Rach.com for tickets. Yeah, I'm excited to do it. It's a fun show. It should be cool. Alright. And that's it. Guys, that's it. That's all I got. If you guys show up on Amazon, and I really hope you do, because it makes your life so much easier, please use our banner to do it on your mom's house

podcast.com. Click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage and do your shopping as you really would. It just really helps us out. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, dog. Thank you. And do your holiday shopping now. Oh my God. Get into it now. I'm just giving you the heads up. I don't care what you get, but you know you got a plan for it. You know, another good thing to get for the holidays. Get your fellow mommy a Bristol Stool Chart mug or the high and tight shirt in our store. It's a great idea. Very exciting. Who are you going to avoid for the holidays?

You already know who. Everybody. That's what's up. You hit the mic. You are such a perfectionist. I know you really, I know you hate it when I do that. Yeah. Look how clumsy. There's a lot more of me right now. I know. I know. Fucking huge. Okay. I still love you. Let's start the show. You ready to do this? Let's party. Let's go. The special teams. Okay. This is a really good football team. They're well-coached. A lot of talent. Nothing but respectful. One of the examples of football

history of good quarterbacks losing their confidence after things were... This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand! Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house.

That's gross. I just farted. I'm stewin' in there again. Yeah. It's so appropriate. You farted last week and I think the week before and we just played a fart clip. That, by the way, is not a fake fart. That is from... What's the coach of the 49ers? The 60 Niners. The 69ers. God, it still smells. It's so weird. It smells so weird.

God, it still smells. It's so weird. They just hang in the air. Yeah, that's coach Jim Tamsula. And so he farted in the middle of a speech? In a press conference. He ripped a fart and it's so great because at first it appeared on some vines and everything, but it seems planted. Somebody went and they loaded up

the actual... The video from the official press conference. If you actually go to the 49ers website and you look up that press conference it's right there. It's right there. You can see that he kind of furrows his brow and that's right before the fart. He's pushing it out. He's focused on it, but it's a man who's farting.

He thought he could get away with it. He wanted it to be a silent and then it made sounds. One person is saying that he did not fart. The sound came from a reporter sitting in a leather seat near the mic. But it's not. You know why? It matches. The fart matches if you were going to push out a fart. Then you can see his expression. If you can read body language you can see afterwards he's like

he basically thought it wasn't going to be audible. We've all done that. We've all sneaked this one out. There's only a few places you can really get away with the sound. Airplanes. I just fart with abandon. No one can hear over the jets. People fart really loud on planes. People mean you.

Nothing but respectful. That's a fart. They've got a great mic on the podium. It's those kind that you don't have to stand near. Look at you brown lock. You're really analyzing this. Look at examples of footballers losing their confidence. Look at you with your forensic fart evidence. The expression on his face.

You farted. You did. You farted coach. You definitely farted brown lock. Coach farted. Probably farted a lot more after the Packers game too. Yeah those fudge Packers. I was watching all those games this weekend the Cleveland Browns which is a really unfortunate name. Baby why do they call them the Browns? It's not cool.

It's actually shit related. If you look up the team It is? Why? Because the owner has diarrhea a lot. The owner had some abdominal issues. It was way back in the 30's or 40's. I think he had a problem with what's his name? The owner of the Bangles. He was like we're going to shit all over you.

We got browns for that. That's cool. I mean it's not cool but whatever. Yeah because the owner of the Bangles is actually, last name is Brown. We're going to brown all over the Browns. We're going to Browns on the Brown. I hear you. Look at you. You got a summer beard going. You have a summer dog look. What happened? Couldn't take the big beard anymore. I cannot believe how big that beard was. When he was trimming it, it was like he was cutting

birds came out of it. It was nice. It was coming someone's hair. Long hair to short. It was just pounds of hair hitting my chest. I'm so relieved. It feels like I'm a new person. You look like a whole new person. You look like a different man. Your face looks so much thinner. Yeah it was out to here. The beard was like three inches off of my face. You look younger too. Isn't that crazy? Yeah that works. Yeah I know. I felt cuter. I defended my cuteness to somebody this weekend.

You did? Yeah I snapped at somebody. I snapped but I kind of put someone in their place. What happened? Somebody was like doesn't my boyfriend look like a younger cuter version of you? And I go, he might be younger. I don't think he's cute. There's no way he's not cute. And then they got defensive about it. And I go, you offended me. I can't defend myself. Jesus Christ. And they're like, I just think he's like you 10 years ago. Why would you say that to somebody? He's younger and cuter than you? I know. And I go, I was looking at him and I was like, I could give it up to a

really good looking guy. I go, this guy's not good looking though. Well that's rude as shit. It's like when people send a screen grab of someone on Twitter and they go, hey I found your twin brother. You're like, this guy looks like dog shit. This guy doesn't look like me because he has a beard. I know. They send me like any blonde girl. Yeah, they're like, hey, I found someone looks like you and it's just blonde. It's not me. I know always send me like ugly dudes. I'm like, no dude, like I know I'm not a model, but I'm better looking than this guy. Of course. Yeah, it just bothered me. I was like, fuck you.

Well, I think you're the most handsome. Well, you love me. I get it. But I think I have a pretty good gauge of where I fall on the chart, you know, you know what your number is. Yeah, like when you look at me, it's not, yes, you know your number and you also like, you know how to size people up. You're like, this is a fucking exceptionally good looking person. Yeah, of course. There's very few of those. You see it and then you see like, you know, you see those fucking zilchers walking around. Well, I'll tell you what, just because we live on the west coast,

that bumps up your score two points over the midwest to east coast average. That's a real popular statement. That's true. Listen, here's why. And I'm just saying empirically, I've collected the data as somebody who's traveled around, especially come wintertime. Listen, I'll isolate that comment to wintertime. When you go to the east coast and these poor people have been in darkness and grayness and cold for like six months. But we've been out here at the beach with nice tans and eating avocados and loving life. I guarantee

we look good. We look better than them. Well, yeah, wintertime thing is a different story. Snow ruins people's lives. You can't be in darkness for that long. Gray clouds and shitty weather. Yeah, it makes everything gray. Yeah, that's true. Plus, like, well, yeah, well, I mean, yeah. Plus, yeah. Well, like, I was thinking about it too. Like, women have kids earlier, like other parts of the country. It's like, like in Ohio, I'm a higher number in Ohio, just because I haven't packed on baby

pounds yet. Now it's happening, but you know, you feel like that you're starting to feel it. You're feeling it now. I'm fatter than ever and older. But the thing is in L.A. I'm like a three, but in Toledo, I'm a 10 is what I'm trying to say. It's all relative to where you live. You're not a three in L.A. Well, like, I'm almost 40. So that already I'm almost dead in L.A. So that, yeah, like a four now because of my age. Well, my age puts me down there. You're beautiful. You're wonderful. Yeah, but I feel that way. But I'm saying by my society

standards, you know, no higher than a five just because of my age. Not true. It's hard to go above as a woman. I may as well be dead. Not true. Yeah. My stock is going to decrease significantly when I turn 40. No, it's not true. You look great. I know I do. Thank you. Okay. You look great. It was really neat what you said to me this morning in the kitchen, by the way. What's that? I've been getting like a lot of hot flashes now because I'm in like third term trimester. And last night I was drenched

in sweat and I'm like, I told you, I'm like, babe, I'm fucking I was having night sweats last night. And what did you say? So it could be HIV. It's true. I think I have it. I was I read this article. So I think you mean we have HIV? Well, yeah, all three of us. I read this article and then like if you read CNN or Time, they have sponsored links that are not like

written by them. People pay to get their article. And then I one of them, the headline was five signs you have HIV. I go click on this and I read it and I was like, Oh, I have all these. Like I get I'm definitely have it because I mean, I've had all of them at times. Like you know, I might be able to find the point at times. You have to have them all consistently, babe. That's the symptoms of I think what are they?

What are the symptoms of HIV? Let's see. Let's see. Okay. Well, here we go. Okay. This might be the article I read. Let me see. Top five signs you may have HIV. Let me see if this is it. Okay. An unexplained rash. Everyone has that though. An unexplained rash. That's so vague though.

It says that the rash is yellow, waxier, flaky, and appearance. It may present itself on the scalp, around the eyebrows, ear, or chest, back, armpits, and groin. Okay. I think I've had something like that on my head before. I was scratching. I'm like, what is that? It's all flaky and edgy. And then number two, swollen lymph plants. Okay. They often present themselves in early stages. I know I've had that before. I know I've had that right here on the neck. Before you get it cold.

Yeah. So that could be HIV. Then oral thrush. Oh no, not thrush. So here's how this article explains thrush. Okay. It says, we have all had morning mouth. Right? Yeah. It's like dad mouth. It's pasty, bad tasting yuck that coats your mouth each morning. But what if that bad taste and white coating doesn't go away with a brushing? Then you have dad mouth. Right. And I've had, but haven't you had days where you're like, I feel like brushing again. Of course. And then you've brushed like three times. You're like, why is my mouth

still shitty? Because you have thrush and you have HIV. So I've had that. And then drenching night sweats. That's number four. That's why I told you you have HIV. So it says we're not taking, we're not talking sweat from the flu. We're talking unexplained drenching night sweats. Yes, that's what I have. I've woken up with those and been like, I definitely have HIV. And I don't know why you're laughing. This is serious stuff. And then number five, sudden, severe

weight loss. That's the only one I'm waiting on. I haven't had that one yet. But I've had the other ones. Not in our house. Nobody in our house. It says a sudden unexplained weight loss of 10% or more. I love how much you laugh at this. Jesus. It's so inappropriate. You find it really funny because it's so far out of the realm of possibility. It is not out of the realm of possibility. Babe, you have to have, you get it through dirty towels. We all know this. Yeah, towels have

AIDS. Everyone knows that. But I'm talking about, like, think about all the towels that I use. I travel like all the time. Oh, no, you have it. Fuck. I could definitely have that, you know. I could definitely have that. Towels can have AIDS. True. Of course. Are you eat a Big Mac that has those in Philly this week? I mean, that's a dirty city. Towels can have AIDS. All of Philadelphia's covered in AIDS. It's true. Fuck.

One of my favorite things you've ever, ever done in the years that we've known each other, one of my absolute favorite moments with you is when we were in South Africa. And we were doing that Nando's chicken festival. Which is not a joke, by the way. That's what it's called. It's Nando's. It's a chicken. It's like their KFC there. Yeah. And so we're doing a Nando's chicken festival. You, me, Ian Bagg, Mitch Faitel. And Vanessa Mitchell. And David Cowell.

And David Cowell. Yeah. Anyways, I remember your opening line to South Africa to Johannesburg and in Durban, right? Yeah. You go, who here doesn't have AIDS? And we were like, um, and they all, so people started clapping like, yeah, I don't have AIDS. I mean, it's free. And all of us were like not expecting. Yeah. Cause it's a serious problem there. Yeah. And a few people got upset with you.

You got a talking to. Even by one of the comments. Yeah. Somebody goes, don't joke about that. Well, he goes, do you really think people want to hear that? But then I, you know, the way that I did it, I would say, who's proud to be South African. Right. And they would clap and then I go, who loves their city more than any other place. And then I go, who here doesn't have AIDS? Not as many claps on that one.

But the funny part we weren't expecting is that they really took it seriously. They got, yeah. They were started clapping like, yeah, I don't have AIDS. Oh, wow. This is really a problem here. They were happy to clap on that. Yeah. It was like Oprah asking the question. Who wants a car? Yeah. There was an explosive clap. God, that was the best. One of the best moments of my life was watching you do that. I think I held my breath for you the first time you did it. Yeah.

And then you're like, and then they saw the reaction. I was like, okay, it's going to be okay. Because it could have gone. Oh, yeah. The first time, especially the very first time I remember, you know, those are the moments you remember as a comic too is when you have an idea and you go, let's see what happens. Sure. Usually when you have that feeling it's a good sign. But we've all done it. Well, we've all done it. Dude, I'll tell you that the first time I was trying to figure out the midget joke, the old midget joke that I did. What is it, Tom? What's the title of that joke? I don't know. I think you should say it

and let everybody look it up. It's called Midgets Aren't Midgets Aren't It's called Midgets Aren't There you go. And I first did that joke I first did that joke in 2008. The year we got married. The year we got married. I told it at our wedding. And when I first tried it, I tried it opening for Russell Peters. Oh boy.

In Denver. Oh boy. I did it. So I told him, I was like, you know, we're talking just like conversation. I go, yeah, when midgets say that like that slur or saying midget is worse than, you know, like the N word and he was like yeah, we just had a conversation about it. And then I go, I'm going to try on stage tonight and I tried it and I had the line of like midget and I drop a big word and then What's the word though? I don't understand. What is with you tonight? Why are you pushing me? Well, because I don't understand and I feel like it's not fair if the audience

doesn't understand what you're talking about, you know. Yeah. Midgets aren't You're a real ass. What's the word? I mean I've said it on this show a few times and I've gotten in trouble for it. So I feel like it's only fair that you should say the word too. I'm going to say it's on your album. I mean, jeez You're such a dick though Midgets aren't

Midgets aren't special What? Candy eaters Vegans. Alright I don't mind being in something where the word nigger is used to ever No, that's not what I wanted I'll generally drop the n bomb Babe I'm quoting a movie

Babe, not okay. The real nigger The real nigger The real nigger The nigger is saying they're doing nothing Nigger is saying they're not doing things but they are doing things That's a premise What are you not understanding?

The n word The n word Is it a collection of what we're discussing? What am I supposed to say? Maybe it's what life ain't nothing and it's doing shit but there ain't really nothing Oh, do you know what I'm saying? Nothing but I just feel like

There you go I'm not sure You know what I'm saying I have the big word drop but the whole idea is when you say something like that on stage you have to have a big joke to offset it The only way I could get to that joke

was not having the joke the first time I had that fear for myself and I had no follow up I just had a thought but not a joke It went downhill That was a really rough set to get through It gave me the thing where I could never get into this premise again or figure out a joke

If you're offending them it means you're on to something pretty good You're hitting a nerve but you don't know how to get there yet That's the cool thing I'm really proud of you and worked through your n-word problem Now I have the fear and once you feel that

God blesses a nigga Now I feel How many more drops are there of me saying that? How many times have you said it? Is that enough for the show? It's a little out of context when you just play the drops It's not like I just sit here and say that all day That is crazy talk

That was my favorite part of that day You were trying to break down this guy and you were like this is crazy talk That was half ounce Context is this That made no sense that day It does make sense God wouldn't call you that

He's not saying that God is saying that It's dumb God wouldn't be like I bless all the n-words Stupid Stupid That's really funny God that made me laugh

This is your original worry though I'm pretty sure we don't have a Although I haven't been tested since we started dating I don't think I was just thinking about that guy yesterday All his orgasms His nine at his dad's funeral I was thinking about that guy

I've been taking so many great dumps lately But you think it's from the coffee No I actually don't I just think it was just being too busy It flew back and got up today It could also be the fish You have an allergy to that You have something weird

I don't know Maybe Sneezy Yeah you did I do get Sneezy We have a lot of great audio We have a Which one of you left the voicemail for us? It's on our studio line

It's on our studio line It's on our studio line Give me a call to heaven I think it's Helen You got the wrong number Give me a call There's also some Farts

It's weird not on this show This show doesn't like to do the farts We're not that kind of people Which one is this? We got sent a lot of farts There's one that I want to get to in a second We dreamt of the day this was happening But it finally happened

It's my party in altitude If I want to This is the one I sent With the sparkles It's just a montage Here's what I have to say to you I guess I'm going to have a fart party all to myself She has the thing in her asshole

I've seen it Her laugh is the best What are those party blowers? She puts it in her ass What a talent She's kind of cute She's not a pig

She's a hornet She's busy This is Mona Wales She's got a lot of clips That's kind of the way to do it these days It's all about content You have to keep putting new things in your butt You can't just stick to the party blowers

You have to put glitter in your ass That's the craziest part It doesn't make any difference on an audio show In this particular clip She farts glitter How many things can you put in your ass and fart with? How many variations on the theme can you make? There's a lot of stuff

It has to be visual too The glitter is visual She's really good at this Good job Mona Check out MonaWales.com That's pretty cool Here's a sex clip that's not pornography His music is too loud

How he presents it is so ridiculous I don't know if you've seen this yet This guy walks into a kitchen and has a towel on He rewraps the towel As he's making this video When he re-adjusts it turns himself slightly He wants you to know that his dick is there Did I register?

Here's this guy I don't want to tell you the title Sorry Oh no Oh god What's happening? He's just in his kitchen He's just in his kitchen He's cooking

His music is so loud I don't think that's loud But nobody knows how to make videos anymore What the fuck is he talking about? I know So what he said was If your pussy is fat like a Georgia peach and he has a peach He goes just get at me

Or the video takes an interesting turn So now he's going to show you On a Georgia peach what he's going to do to your pussy No thank you I'm going to throw up already He's rewrapping it He's grabbing his dick And now he's putting his braids over

I'm going to throw up He's eating the peach Not mentioning that he puts a peach on a paper plate Then he's bending down and he's like I'm going to throw up Stop it This is so gross Don't talk shit about John's suckers It's not arousing to me

My vegan vagina has turned on He really eats this peach You really did a job On that peach I saw how you licked the shit out of that peach Really enjoying yourself watching that video That's the way the world works Watching some guy do that to a peach

I didn't see the whole video That's at a minute 16 Does he just do that? At two minutes He's really licking it He's looking in the butthole now I don't want to see it It's so disturbing

I'm so disturbing Stop it I don't like his dumb facial hair Who makes these videos? I don't know this guy's out of his mind I'm going to throw up Now he's flicking his tongue on it That's at 243

Where could he possibly go? He's at 330 Let's see He's still doing that Let's see how it ends God I'll cut the audio Putting it down now

Let me know I don't want to see it It's all on his fingers I can't I'm going to throw the peach at you One of his buddy helped to make that video That would be a weird thing to help your friend make He must have gotten some offers on that

You put it out there Like I say It's a little forward for my taste I believe it I don't need to see you demonstrate it Whatever offers he got Whatever fan it's because he showed his technique Based on the strength

Babe I love your technique One thumb up Thanks for bringing me to that You're welcome It's too sexual Can I tell you what happened to me at the pool the other day? You were there too

Did we talk about it? Can we talk about it on the show? You can just say it I saw him I don't know how long it's been Your body looks amazing He really has done wonders You look fantastic

I can't believe the shit he makes you do I walked over to the field I see him walking you down I heard the grunting You're pushing It looks so hard I'm at the pool I'm sitting in my bathing suit

This guy walks past me He does the normal shtick I understand Looks like you swallowed a beach ball Total dad joke You got a baseball in there? Okay I think we can save that for the dad tour

It's coming up next summer I'm playing along with dad I just love babies I really wish my kids were still babies I love taking care of babies Totally cordial Then it goes south I love the way pregnant women look

He goes, that's why I'm flirting with you Then he swam away I want to kiss you and then he swam away I got to go He puked me out What do I say to that? You could What's the appropriate response to that?

I think it's just to be like that Unless you really want to fuck What if I was like oh yeah I could have I can't get pregnant You don't have to wear protection I have thrush That was my dad joke of the week

Dad interaction My uncle emailed me a picture So you can tell me if this Makes sense Here we go What do you see in this Oh Jesus Christ What is this

There's two tubes of butt cream One is a rash cream And one is toothpaste Let me know when you see this picture There's the rash cream and then there's Fluoride Freshman Original Toothpaste I saw it and he goes, so here's what happened The other day I got back from the gym and I started with a jock itch

By the time I went to bed my balls were itching like crazy So with the lights low I asked your aunt to put some Of the desitant on the area I could not see I was putting toothpaste on my balls That at first felt cool and then a minute later I said damn What cream did you use? Cause my balls are on fire She showed me and then she realized the mistake And all she did was laugh like hell as I was in pain

That's a good dad story but that's a good one Some of you dads got it Have you ever done that? Put toothpaste on your balls? I got a white phone and when I get this thing So our friend Matt in New York has an interesting Theory on dad mouth if you'd like to hear it Cause I believe he's a father of two Does Matt have two kids or three?

He has two kids So we're talking about dad mouth Well I think I know how it happens cause I go I'm really worried that the minute this kid's born Tom's mouth is going to turn to dad mouth How does that happen? He goes no it happens over time Late nights you stay up late You're not sleeping and then over time your mouth gets Groser and groser cause you're neglecting to take care of it

And then he said that people without children can smell it But people with children they can't smell it So people without children are like oh your dad mouth We're close now We've identified it in dads before like oh your dad mouth is terrible We're running out of time to appreciate dad mouth before we have ours I'm sure the moment this baby is born The nurse is going to go like is that your breath?

Cause I always wonder in the men that have dad mouth The wives have to smell it Maybe they don't we know a famous mom mouth Who knows man You want to hear this I don't think you can just wash that off You got a little burn You got a little burn

You want to hear the soccer fan I'll bet it's fine Your English accent is perfect Should we put a hot words or something? It's time marked It's like at 228 Can I see? Cause I don't think it's that long I opened it and it's already at 228

You want to hear the whole thing So this is a guy after a Chelsea match That Chelsea lost 100% Chelsea I've said this to someone else That's not Chelsea and that's not the team I know How do you feel? I feel broken I love football at European football

I really feel broken Our traipse up here every weekend That's not the right one So he starts off like That's not the Chelsea I know It's not Chelsea I don't know what's going on It isn't what should be happening

They're bleeping his fucks though I speak to people and they say I'll stick with it and play some youngsters One of those options I really don't want I do not want Mourinho to walk out that door He goes, some new guy will come in He'll buy a lot of new players and it won't work If we bring in these youngsters

It won't happen Wait! So as he's being interviewed for the Chelsea video, I think that was the opposing team's fans You can see the anger in his face that he's wanting to rant about his team You have to be taken out of your sport to see the absurdity of anger at sports

In your team, you justify it When it's another sport or another team, you go, this is funny It's supposed to be at 228 So I should jump to that? He's building and we'll jump ahead to him losing his mind You're not a plastic fan! You're wasting people's money who want to be here and watch Chelsea

Where I sat, there was no sound anymore If you're going to come, you watch Chelsea If that needs to be dropped, I'm sick of him You support your team If you're not going to do that, don't come to Chelsea Football Club That's it He was in the press conference He's mad, I think, because people are on their cell phones

He sees people using their phones If he's not going to do it, don't play for Chelsea He needs to do his job You should be ashamed If you're here to watch Chelsea You're not a plastic fan If you want to do that, you can go to the city They left in the last minute

People leave all the time Parking, I'm going to get to my car That was really good That was really good What part of England are you from? Chelsea I'm from Southampton Fucking hell

We're talking about accents They're so good at doing American accents, but we're not as good They're bombarded with American entertainment You hear so many TV shows and so many movies We hear two, but not at the same exchange You hear British accents, but you don't hear them 24-7 Down to Naby isn't on TV 24-7 That's interesting

I watched enough down to Naby to be able to go That was really good Say Bangers and mash If you mumble, you sound more authentic That was really good Piss off you wanker Piss off you wanker

Piss off you wanker Is that a real guy? You know what I can see you as is a brick-com butler He's really good at this You tell him to fuck off at the same time Fuck off mate Can I bring you some tea? Fuck off

Fuck off Thanks Oh man I've been thinking about it ever since Heavy fucking lower class accents in that movie Yeah I think I missed 20% of the dialogue Didn't you appreciate why I love that movie so much? It's so rad dude, it's so good My head at the top has been in my head for a week

If you've never seen Sexy Beast It is really, really tremendous Ray Winston I think is his name or the actor And Ben Kingsley Yeah it's so good man And Kingsley plays a really here is a scene from it remember this scene Sir I'm afraid you can't smoke What, what do you want? Your cigarette, you have to put it out

Cigarette? What? This? No I'm not going to put it out If you don't we can't take off Well that's your problem isn't it? It's your move I'm afraid you can't You're just going to have to wait till I finish it as simple as that Why don't you just put the cigarette out We'll set the stand show You want me to cut your hands off, use it as an ashtray

Yeah I'll put it out providing you're prepared to let me stub it out on your eyeball Agreeable? No He's a fucking totally violent psychopath in this movie And he's such a good actor Like if you want to study cinema acting The other guy Ray Winston He gives a clinic He does so many subtle things in that movie

That read so well but they're captured just because there's a camera Yeah he's so good in that But Ben Kingsley blew my mind because he played like you said Gandhi He moved even like he's perfectly still Yes yes yes Has those eyes, those are like not reading social cue eyes Cause you can overdo it to where it looks So fake but he makes it real

And then Ray goes I'm going to have to turn this Opportunity down and he goes no you're going to have to turn this opportunity Yes Which is a crazy thing to say Opportunity yes I can't do it yes you can It's just like why we love good fellas so much You can try me Fatso

I think this is another scene They're so funny oh here we go Saturday but you're needed in London this Friday It's a bit sudden though It's been working on this for five months It's not sudden preparation preparation As far as the actual job's concerned it's a piece of piss and monkey could do it Cheers though

Even though Ray puts the laugh he laughs like a psycho It's not where a normal person would laugh it's great Talk to me gal I'm here for you I'm a good listener I'm tired Cunt You've got some fucking neck ain't you retired fuck off you're revolting

Look at your fucking suntan like leather Like a leather man your skin you can make a fucking suitcase out of you old all Like crocodile fat crocodile fat bastard You're like fucking in the army you know what I mean See that's my accent that's the one I do that's perfect that's what I do I feel like this is my old agent when I try to say no to things Fuck off no You're ashamed of yourself

Who do you think you are You're the council Are you the council You think this is real fortune Leave the table Fuck off don't It's like I can't hear the difference between you and me I can't hear any difference

Maybe what I need to do to get into movies Start auditioning like a local Cause they're like where's this guy from I was like yeah all right now you have have you And they're like where are you from Where are you from Mike where are you from Fuck off I'm from Upper Upton

I don't like that I don't mumble I'm looking for a mumbler Yeah The soccer fans get me every time Christ You know when you're gone and you're on the road And I stay home and you party

Every fucking night Where's the club And shots You signed up for it Plus you had to practice DJing and what better time I feel like I also need to go do that Cause in two months from now I'm going to be a mom It's kind of my last time to go clubbing

Is that cool with you? Absolutely I just want to kind of dance and feel myself Life's almost over so we gotta enjoy these few moments left It's gonna be full of regret soon That's what I'm saying so you're cool with that It's kind of like my last hurrah before I became a mom I love that he'll be able to play these episodes You're like thanks guys

Fart shit, fart orgies mom, polybide, fluid bonding Farting dust Kiss my pussy, farting glitter Some of those big words we don't even have those in the lexicon anymore But we're like kid we love you That'll be good enough right? We love you Are you ready? I'm ready You pointed out too that we didn't address

How good the opening song was for Sexy Beasts to switch back Been in my head for a week and if you guys again haven't seen the film Even if you have you might remember the song is so good we had to look it up It's The Stranglers and the song is Peaches Check out how sick this opening is Are you ready? 歷歷 Strolling along minding my own misjudgment

With ankles are gonna hatch She's got me going up and down She's got me going up and down I like this I gotta tell you, you're one of the big influences for me in white people music Yes No, I mean you have been since I met you You introduced me to so much music

That I didn't listen to before I bought albums and songs from all types of groups White groups that I didn't listen to before And I didn't know if you heard the new Modest Mouse Oh, yeah, I know I have their latest album But was there like a new single? There's a new single out Oh, wow

Nice, I kept so proud of you Do you know how you introduced me to Modest? Do you remember when you introduced me? I did You introduced me to Modest Mouse On our first road trip ever together It was like ten years ago, we went to San Francisco together I remember And on the way up, it was in your Lackadima and your VW Jetta

Why did you call it Lackadima? That leopard could hunt It's a wild car, a wild ride It was a Volkswagen Jetta The engine sounded like Lackadima That kitty could purr All right You introduced me to that

And I listened to that album with you on the way up and back And I was like, ooh, I like these That was good news for people who love bad news Yes, and I bought the album I'm so proud you did And then I bought a few other Modest Mouse I've really gotten into them, I really like them This new single is awesome

I can't believe you're playing this for me, I'm so excited I know, I like to play I like to be like, hey, you know what? I can throw some white music at you too No one ever expects it from me to you So here is your new one Sounds familiar Okay

Yeah That sounds good This is really cool This was made for you by a listener of the show That's a maze Believe it or not, Modest Mouse didn't send it in But it was a listener that goes by Stocky Poppy And by the way, the title of this is

Fart on Modest Mouse For main mommy, Christina Pajitsky Wow And then he put in parentheses Produced by Stocky Poppy Produced by Stocky Poppy He wants to get his producer credit Produced by Stocky Poppy

That's really cool This is real, you know, I'm going to forward this to Isaac Brock Immediately, the lead singer To see what he thinks I mean, he'd appreciate this Gloria Stephan really liked it when it was done to her track You know Something tells me Isaac Brock won't have a good sense of humor

Yeah, so it's just a genre of music That we've invented Alright It's pretty cool That's forever one of my favorites But thank you so much Stocky Poppy for And just when you thought this episode Probably had reached the limit of farts

We have something Nope We've been praying for this day to happen I mean, I really don't feel out of line saying that No, you're not You're not I feel like I never knew if this really was

If someone would have the nerve The balls Adacity, courage The courage, the bravery to do this Discipline Fortitude Somebody out there in the world Has directly challenged

The king And it is I guess you could say it's a kid, right? I mean, it's He's very young He's young And he doesn't hide his Who he is

But he looks like he's a teenage boy I wouldn't say he's 12, 13 maybe That young? He looks like a young kid, look at him I'm so glad you play chips in a ball I was thinking that too Well, to make it clear He is challenging

King Astripper And he He named This video I challenge you, King Astripper And it's by Prince Astripper And I'm so blown away by this kid

I'm so impressed with him And he's in this At home and He's in his own bathroom Let's see how old I think he is Well, I think you're right So far it's a soft start Not a strong start

He's like 13, maybe 14 I like his sound effects already He's And he's, you know He's walking around in his boxers They're big He's not showing his junk the way that King does

Wow I think he's appropriate He's a younger kid But he's He's keeping an eye By wearing his boxers There we go There we go

Now, be honest If you were in seventh, eighth grade Or whatever grade And you saw this Would you be like this kid's awesome? I'd be so into him Yeah, you'd be dating him For sure would

Like this guy's the coolest guy Homecoming's coming up And I'm taking you How does this happen though That when we're in seventh or eighth grade You're the coolest guy in the school For doing it But when you're 30

Not so much Well How does it, how does it turn to I mean, this kid's a fucking genius Of course Yeah, I think so Of course Does he, he does talk at a certain point in this?

Yeah, you gotta scroll forward a bit I don't know where to scroll to He's doing the thing too Where he took a couple steps for now And he waited And he's waiting right now He laughs at his own farts too He's doing his best

I mean, this is the best thing ever Yeah, this is amazing There's a part where he lifts his legs up Good work, kid He's really There you go Oh, he's doing like an impression Yeah

See how great art inspires other artists so Other farts Other farts I mean, you see a great movie And then you see a knockoff Kind of of that movie With a bunch of other movies Sure

And like this is the respect That I think people should have been Trying to king at Tripper Is finally being, you know It's being paid by this kid You're gonna see a bunch of these now But this kid's got the right idea I hear what you're saying

It's like finally somebody really appreciates What we've all been appreciating Maybe we should reach out to this kid I would love to start his career I would love to help him build his audience And get him where he wants to go This is really cool Very promising future

It's very promising Yeah, that's really cool, kid It's good work Let's hear, I wanna hear him talk though Okay Is he gonna Oh my god What was that?

Oh, oh, oh Oh, he's doing the knees up Knees up is funny And he's laughing Oh, someone's helping him shoot too Of course I'm gonna smell that one King-ass tripper, you're going down

You're going down Wow Direct challenge And that is, I mean, you're talking to that king right now He just threw down the gauntlet The fartlet That's really something Oh, he's doing the gasps

That's a really, I mean But you know, my press pause for a moment All great artists, like you just said They start by imitation Just like comedians, we pick people we want to be like I think we give, we nurture this talent We give this talent support This talent's gonna come out even bigger

Bigger than the king Yeah, than the king Yeah, you're right It's like your first year in stand-up You start doing stand-up like somebody you know Right And then it kind of, you find your own path Your voice

Exactly Your fart voice And I think this kid is on the way to finding his own fart voice He needs to find his own fart He needs to find his own fart Exactly, Tom I couldn't agree more Yeah

We need to give him support Yeah But I, man, I couldn't give him one I can't give enough credit as a piece It's a really good work Really something Oh my god I'm sorry

Now the one thing I think he's definitely I don't think he has the diet of the king Because he's a slender kid He might just have the gift as they call it The shinning Yeah The shinning It could be, look, when you're that age

You know how it is You lean out Maybe, you know You fatten up around 12 and then you lean out after And it'd be interesting to see Because we know the king eats horrifically And that's the fuel of the beans The fried chicken dipped in mayo

I hate it The food that he sits and farts on And then he eats That's the worst But this kid, who knows It could just be protein shakes and, you know Protein shakes do make you fart They definitely do

Hamas does it to me Hamas, oh my god, yesterday when we had that That was a bad idea That's why I had night shits last night Well, good job, good job, kid Good work, yeah Prince, we commend you Without his live leak

So people can follow him Yeah, he's on live leak Let's see I think it's just Prince ass ripper That's what he's going by That's what it looks like Support him, guys Give him your encouragement

Let him know you like what he's doing But it's buy, raid, max, games I don't know if this is the actual Yeah, I think it's him Yeah But this says that the location is Spain I don't know Can't tell if it's Spain is what it says

Who knows, maybe he's He sounds American to me Yeah Who knows That's the wonderful thing about the worldwide web Is that King Ass Ripper has fans everywhere And, you know Yeah

You can interpret it however you want It's really exciting I think it's exciting, Tom I love nurturing new talent I'm really excited about this R-A-D-M-A-X-G-A-M-E-S We should post this, by the way Of course

This is very worthy of a post I mean, without delay So wait, I'll do it right now I'm going to send it to you Right now, I don't want to I don't want to miss a moment of promoting this This is the stuff This is why

I'm so happy you're stopping our show To forward me the link right now During recording That's how important this is to you I don't want to miss a second of an opportunity To promote this, kid Sure, if our son did these videos Do you think we'd feel as proud?

Absolutely, absolutely Good job, Prince You know, we'll do our best to help you get your voice Out there To hone that fart This, by the way, is a change of pace But this video made me laugh So fucking hard

I just want to play a bit of it on here I'll just see how it ends I forgot how it starts Hello, Wildcats This is Weber Cooks And today we're doing Chili cheese nachos We start with a can of

Chili And open it up You don't leave it shut This guy made this A video of how to chili cheese nachos And I love that And then the cheese sauce We just take off the lid

And we pop these both in the microwave And we set the microwave For four and a half minutes And this guy's like Really, really innovative We'll put him in a bowl And it's like that for the whole time I guess this guy, I didn't know about this guy

He has a bunch of videos Wait to see for real though That's what I don't know if this is like Like Tim and Eric style Yeah, because it's so retarded It's so retarded But I just found out I just read that somebody added the

Hello, Wildcats This is Weber Cooks And today we're cooking spaghetti So I feel like it's got to be It's got to be intentionally like this It's too bad I just wish it was totally authentic We'll start by taking some spaghetti noodles

And we'll put it in the bowl It's pretty fun Yeah, he's making spaghetti now We just break them in half This music really is there Add our water And then this will cook for 10 minutes Oh my god, don't tell me

Okay, I thought he was going to wait For the whole 10 minutes So he makes spaghetti in the microwave Like a lunatic And while that's cooking We'll open up our can of spaghetti sauce Jesus, man That is unreal

But the addition, the guy who added The sad instrumental music That's what I think takes it over the top Yeah You know, for the And mix it up And we'll have a dip for three to So depressing

Three to And then I'll fast forward You open this up and It sounds genuine though, this guy I know Which is great It just sounds like a sad older alone They have some on a plate

Yeah And there you have it A dip that will satisfy a small group And this will run you about six bucks But when you figure that it will feed Anywhere from three to six people It will only cost you a dollar Or two dollars per person

Alright, got it He looks really sad too Like he looks unbelievably sad He's like our old neighbor That super old guy The one that was just dying in that room We were like, can we get you to air conditioning? Was that Marty?

Yeah, Marty, Uncle Marty was dying Yeah Like, do you want us to take you out for dinner? No Just give me chicken from Vons Just let me die Poor guy Yeah

So Should we address the big fart in the room? Sure Look What's that? What's the big fart in the room? PT Kane, dog Oh, that guy

What's going on with him this week? Well, I think you can call it officially You know He definitely, it was so weird The way that this went down We tried to give some insight to it last week Then he spun More

It's just that he blocked us on Twitter But now we're unblocked Yeah, and then he wrote an email that said Did you know I didn't block you? But you did, and then you unblocked He lies a lot Then he was like, I was doing entertainment You guys, entertainment is about

Telling us what entertainment is It's a lot, it's so ridiculous Well, here's the thing Peter, you can rail on Tom and me All you want, make your dumb videos about us But don't shit on our fans Yeah, he did that Not cool

They didn't ask for that, you know Yeah, it's like It's so silly like the way that he He acted about it It's so weird The fans are really dumb And then he wrote something like Thanks for paying my light bill

What? Oh, you mean like by adding to your YouTube views And you claim we don't add to your YouTube views? Whatever, dude He was just silly I feel like we should just address this, though, finally Really? Yeah

What do you think we should do? Let's just give him a call and see Okay, just confront him on it And see what's going on Yeah, I think so Okay, yeah I'd like to get everything out in the open And find out what's really going on

Alright, let's see if I can Let's see if I can pull this up one second Alright, I got it right here I got Peter on the line I'm scared, I'm a little nervous Peter, what? What's going on, dude? Don't say a fucking thing

Okay But I want to say like In the last week or so What has... You came on the show and then I feel like Why did you act like You didn't know... I don't know, you acted like we

Kind of bamboozled you or something Don't bring up your mom's house You're on your mom's house right now You know? Don't ever ask me to be on your show Because I won't go on You're on it right now You're on it, you know?

Fuck off, you know? God, I mean, I thought... I thought we were cool, I thought we were friends I thought we were totally... We thought we were your buddy Well, that's obvious I mean, I... You do live with a lot of animals

And you don't... I don't know I've never seen another person in your videos Yeah Why am I... Oh, because I love bucking dogs I'm just gonna take the dog You love to fuck... To fuck dogs? Good job, Einstein

Wow It's weird I think one of the weird things was that You thought you were supposed to come on To this show to perform for us I only do open mic night Oh, yeah, but we didn't expect you To come on the show, Peter, and do an act

We asked you to come on and talk about The Raven problem in Brooklyn I'm a fucking dog trainer Yeah, I know, and that's why we wanted you to come on And talk about the Raven problem Ravens, crows Give great knobber That's disgusting

That is gross But let's... I mean, let's talk about Those Animals that You're so famous for, you know, the videos We love playing on the show That I guess, you know, you have this Whole thing now where you don't want to...

What's the... What's your favorite animal? And the smarter the dog, the better the knobber God, you're having Sex with your dogs That's so gross, gross Baby's fluid bonding with his dogs But why were you so mean

To The listeners? I feel like you were You were really mean to them You know, why? If I'm gonna fuck my dog with somebody I'm gonna find a trained professional To fuck my dog with So I guess it's that

They weren't, like, agreeable with you Did you get it, asshole? Yeah, I got it He's all over the map today, Peter I know, he really is It's erratic, it's erratic I mean, you also claimed that, like, you Uh, you were just doing

An act when you Made videos about Being really kind of upset with us And then upset with the fans that That you were just pretending You weren't really upset, right? In the 80s, I was working at the Shakespeare Conservatory in Cahonkson, New York

Oh, okay Oh, so he's saying he was an actor He was doing an act Oh, this is all a shtick So none of this is real Is that what you're trying to tell us? Well, I don't know No, you just

I'm thoroughly confused, so is he acting Or is it Isn't not real, is it? Which is it? We know, Peter, you don't give a shit Man, I just felt like When the show, when we were doing our show And all these months before

I feel like you were almost one of us You were in the group, you were in the family Don't trust your friends, family members Okay I don't think Peter, you're ever going to Be able to wear your jeans high and tight Like us, and whatever Don't ever ask me to be on your show

Because I won't go on But you're on it again He keeps saying that He's so weird We really did like having you And we liked learning things That you taught They just used serious videos

Serious videos, like Massaging a puppy's asshole Talking about animal husbandry And put a laugh track in the background Like, oh, isn't that funny? Well, we didn't know Who massages their puppy's asshole I thought it was pretty funny

It's really not cool the way You kind of Lid into us for that, you know Fuck off, you know Okay If you're just going to be irate with us That was my dog, and hope fuck The shit out of you

Can't see him or anything But I'm glad you have a dog That does that We still like you Gag And I wish you would be nicer To our fans

Don't say a fucking thing Okay This call is going nowhere We wish you the best And Is there any parting thing That you want to tell us And tell the fans of the show

This will be your last thing And we can wrap it up, please LinkedIn is helpful Wonderful Thanks, Peter That was really, really great Thank you for coming back On the show

I really appreciate it Wow What an interesting call It was a very interesting call Who knew that? He was just kind of all over the map He really was I don't know Maybe he's drinking today

He was everywhere, man I didn't know he got Sexual with his family I knew he and Remy were close But I didn't know it was that close Man One more thing I have to tell you

That I cannot get over We've talked about it before How funny the listeners of this show are Because they were Posting the funniest Fucking comments The tweets are so good And the Facebook

Was out of control funny We don't plug it enough We have a Facebook fan page For the show It's facebook.com Slash your mom's house podcast Oh my god People were saying

The funniest fucking shit on here I laughed This one guy was like I'm trying to take my pet raven out for a walk And put a raven's head on a dog's body Yeah This is so funny Oh

Look Oh my god He's Everyone's talking about how they got blocked by him Of course, because everybody got blocked by him Hold on This is one that I found He goes, the guy with the fucking dirty

Trashbird in his house thinks I sound stupid Because he made all these posts about everybody He was stupid God damn it And I saw all the All the tweets were just They were unbelievable Man

Wow It's going to be on my mind all day Knowing the unabomber doesn't like me And the rest of us jeans Oh man Art is about entertainment And then somebody writes, you're welcome peter Light is, because he goes, thanks for helping me pay my light

Bill, this guy writes, you're welcome peter Light is important, especially if you could step In bird shit at any moment That was Nick White side Not just bird shit, he's got dogs, cats Yeah, but here's the point That I wanted to make

I also think that people were really Just funny and not vicious And I've seen Podcasts and radio shows Where people just harass And are mean And I think I want to just applaud you guys For being not vicious

You were just funny Like classy, you guys get yourselves classy You kept it in the realm of jokes Well I think our listeners aren't savages I know, but I'm very happy about that Cool, we still don't, why are you kidding? Of course, they're like normal Sweet people

They're really nice, so good job Don't harass him Let him live his life We'll remain From afar Lovers of your dog videos If we won't play them anymore Well, it's too much drama with Peter

It's a whole other thing It's like a whole thing It's not It's no fun It's stopping fun, it was fun And then he sucked the fun out of the fun Jesus Christ It's too bad

Too much drama, you hear me? But we do have a different thing We could play, it's super exciting And fun Super exciting and fun What did you get there? I spoke to Maria today Oh my god

Oh my god Oh my god, seriously Seriously Oh my god Oh my god Seriously Oh my god, seriously Oh

Oh, it's been a while Yeah I've actually missed having Maria on the show I've talked to her and I forgot How much, how great she was on the show So she's back And This call, I would

I think it's fair to say It might be her best call It's really, it's really, really Fantastic So let's see I think this is it right here Here we go guys, OMG Maria On the show today

Hey Maria, what's up? Hi, how are you? Good I got your message, what's going on? Oh my god, you have no idea What my poor body has gone through What happened? About 10 days ago

I had a horrible, horrible Flare up of my flight It started with my stomach bothering me And I thought it was just going to have diarrhea It ended up lasting for 5 hours I had diarrhea literally 18 times It was like fire Liquid coming out of my asshole

It's on the feet felt like fire I was literally like that guy And dumb and dumber with my hands on the toilet Like holding my ass above Screaming for like Mary Joseph And Jesus to save me Jesus I felt like my asshole was being torn open

And it lasted for like the next day And I was taking the modium A.D. Everything I could to stop it I was completely dehydrated So finally After I took the modium I took predisone and I called the doctor

To special order this medicine By Saturday I was like Okay, well I'm not dehydrated The kids have been sick I was just so happy to be like a Normal person So when the kids went to sleep That's usually our sexy time

So Jeff and I tried to have sex Literally as soon as he entered I started screaming I felt like shards of glass Ripping my vagina Oh my god stop I had no idea it really hurt Like this is worse than being a virgin

I don't know it literally feels like There are shards of glass inside of me God And then a couple days later I'm like I love that she threw in We continue with other stuff So on fire My vagina is on fire

My asshole is on fire Everything burns Every time I take a shit I feel like I'm being sodomized With like a branch of some sort And every time I pee I feel like my vagina has broken Lacking it

So I go to the doctor And she says You know your vagina is cut On both sides Have you had some kind of rough penetration lately? No But you know I had a horrible diarrhea And I was just excited to feel human again

And not have diarrhea and try to have sex So apparently I was so dehydrated And like brought my body Of every kind of liquid in the lubricant set When we tried to have sex I was so dried out it slowly tore And like explained to my vagina On both sides

And for diarrhea so bad That I cut my I literally cut my asshole Like I cut those anal fissures With slight So I was so cut up And banged out down there It's disgusting

So the doctor Special order medication now for me Which is A two inch plastic tube applicator I could put on a bottle of paint And squeeze it four times a day You have to shove a tube in your asshole? I just shove a tube in my asshole

A two inch tube in my asshole And it's got little holes on it Like a little colander And it shoots out the cream It's so gross It's so awful Everything about my life is awful right now I have a question though

Did the diarrhea cause your asshole To tear? Yeah Oh my god Jesus Christ I can't believe you have no reaction No reaction? Well you're just like you're not even saying anything

This is an amazing call I just wanted to I thought I should let it breathe Like a fine wine I feel like if I interject it's gonna ruin it I mean you're just like you're like Maybe you're in a state of shock right now Well it's ridiculous it's so good

I didn't want to interrupt the momentum It's really crazy Of course Once you told me that I told her That Jeff was gonna be really excited to find out Because he's gonna think he's felt like The cost of black man The very first thing

When I told him I said guess what I thought it maybe I had a urinary tract infection I said I don't have a UTI I said my vagina is cut When we try to affect You're like My dick is so big I'm holding like a black man I said no but I told her that's probably what you were thinking

Because literally that's what That's of course the first thing that goes through Of course So did um But you've never been torn like that before right No I've never been torn ever I'm not even when I lost my virginity Now is he really well hung?

Jeff Jeff is totally average in that department Like not performance wise Performance wise Of course he's above and beyond As a performer but I'm saying He's uh okay so he's like He's very theatrical in every sense

He's totally average birth average length Nothing that's ever torn me up I've never been like oh my god it's so big I can't handle it Oh my god Yeah it's awful I'm so banged up So gross Sounds like you're a strong performer

Usually people that have their assholes And vaginas torn are doing a lot more than just shitting I know I have no great story behind it Like oh my god I was banging four people at once Now I literally just had diarrhea And because of it I've torn Very morbid below my waist

So how long is it going to take for your asshole to heal you think I find out tomorrow They're going to take a look at my asshole And if this cream doesn't get better they're going to stitch my asshole Oh my god are you serious I'm totally serious So wait does it Not the actual hole

Like I'll still be able to poop But because the hole now has two chairs 35 I love that she just stopped me To let me know that they're not going to Sew her asshole closed No I'm still going to be able to shit out of it

Hold on I have one tiny little concern If you've had A flare up of colitis with explosive Diarrhea 18 times So much that your asshole is split Why are you having sex Obviously

Something's wrong down there Because our women the way we're designed Your assholes right next to your vag hole If one of them is not doing well You don't fuck with the other one She just like pushes past She pushes past the Clear discomfort

You know your asshole is on fire Yeah Oh my god I've never had a black one before Come over here and shit on my tits Okay Let's see how this ends Yeah she's an animal The ass is burning I guess

Oh my god I didn't It's not uncommon For people with ulcerative colitis Or crowns I guess To get On the severity If they

Doesn't get better over time Or cream then they have to spitch up But I have two of them This is making my stomach turn right now It's so bad Every time I take a shit in the morning He hears me screaming He comes to bring me cups of ice and stickers

He's like this will make it better I can't explain to him that I've like Really rubbed my butt for a little bit I don't want him to be afraid But it's awful I don't wish it upon my worst enemy I gotta get this out of my head I hope you feel better

Thank you Take care of your asshole and your vagina I will I'll talk to you later Bye Blast Blast my fucking face I feel like I don't know where to begin

I feel confused I'm disoriented It was such a massive OMG Maria call It was so Maria It was such a Maria day She told that story She didn't even pause She thinks that everyone's at that level

She doesn't realize that You gotta ease people into that level Not to mention that story was completely Dirty and disgusting She went balls out Wow, that was intense Come over here and shit on my hips I'm blushing a little bit

I feel a little like Was that too much? Anal and vaginal tears Not a big cock I feel bad for her That doesn't sound pleasant Imagine both had a case I know

Then your whole downstairs is messed up And that's because she got so dehydrated Her vag dried up When you have diarrhea You're just losing obviously Tons of water So she was so dehydrated from that That it dried up everything else

Wow Yeah You shouldn't feel it Maybe it's like hey I understand I would love to have an episode With you where your vagina tears It's probably gonna soon

I think it was just a real boost For any guy to hear That there are significant others has a tear I would love I would love for that to be an issue with you Cool It's really nice of you to want that For me

Well I don't want it to be because of the baby I want it to be because I Did it It's really sweet of you, thank you You're welcome, I talked to a guy About Who did that one time to somebody He was like yeah it was a big boost

You felt really good about it Somebody just turned off that AC again Wow that kills me every time Somebody just turned off that fucking AC again Yeah I want to give it to you Hard fucking core Yeah Somebody just turned off the AC

Where did he come from I don't know I just saw a shadow I saw a shadow I hate these people I hate them Anyways I can't wait until wintertime when it's cold And then they're gonna cry baby

About the heater being on too I'm getting a space heater in here by the way Oh in the open In the wintertime absolutely Fuck nuts Makes me crazy Alright farts Alright well we're wrapped up anyways pretty much

Yeah we gotta get going This was a fun episode though So much to go over So much happening And again Go to TomSugarra.com For tickets to my shows

Mommyapolis Those Texas States New York And of course 1000 Ranch for Christina's tickets And Yourmomshousepodcast.com We added a bunch of clips to the clips page

So make sure You check those out as well Jeans Is there any other thing you want No I love you guys You love everybody Be good wipe Wipe down

What's the song you want to play Which one do you want to hear going out Oh here's Maria the porn star Yeah let's do a little Maria Oh there's two of them which is my sister And Maria the porn star Which we do I don't know we'll try which is my sister

And if that yeah whatever Alright we love you guys thanks for listening We'll see you next time Bye Honestly Until they were like Two in you, three in you So I was like well

I'm proud of myself I'm proud of myself Which is my sister My that's the big one Which is my sister Oh my god it's fucking huge That's really Oh my god

I'm gonna get on my bike Quick the dating I'm on my bike I'm on my bike That's really big Oh my god And throw it in like In there somewhere