Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 313-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 14, 2015

Jeans Up! We got it all on this one and there's no way you are ready. Dumb hooker math? Yup! Greezy Chuck? Mm-HMM! Seagal nonsense? You know it! What about something that might blow all of our minds and even some of our butts? What about a gas man who really wants it, puts it out there and even TALKS to us about it? Well, just press play because no description can do this episode justice.   

Alright, it's time for another episode of your motherfucking mom's house. Oklahoma City this Friday, October 16th. I got a tweet that said there were just a few tickets left and that was like under 10 tickets. So I doubt there will be any left. Houston, the same deal, the warehouse. I'm doing the ballroom at the warehouse in Houston on the 17th. Granada Theater, that had a few tickets left. That's Sunday, October 18th.

Caps City in Austin, Texas. October 19th is sold out. Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club. LOL. And San Antonio Texas October 20th. That still had some tickets left. That's it for me there. Then Orlando, Tampa, and Fartlotterdale.

MomLando. November 3rd, 4th, and 5th. I'm going to Buffalo, New York Helium Comedy Club. Helium. Rumors. Winnipeg. I heard you were funny. Then the big show for me this year, the rest of the year, the biggest show I have,

is in New York City at the Skirball Center. November 13th, and then November 14th, the John Lyman Center for the Performing Arts in New Haven, Cumnetic Hunt. That's it for me then. I come home, you fart out a baby, and I do the New Year's week in Brea, so I come home every night. That's fantastic, and you can help me breastfeed. So please go to TomSugarra.com,

go to the shows page, and there are ticket links for all those shows. Fartlot links. Jeans. Guys, October 29th. Brea Improv, my last headlining set before I pumped this kid out. Brea, 8 o'clock show. Get your tickets now at 1000 Ranch.com. Yeah, I'm at the comedy store a lot when I can.

On Saturdays, usually the early show. And also, check out my other podcast, That's Deep Bro. This week, I have a killer episode. I'm interviewing a girl who was in a cult from the age of eight. Until, I think she said, I'm sorry, I remember, until she was a teenager. It's crazy, right? That is crazy, James. Yeah, it's so, so interesting.

So that's Deep Bro. Also, please, please, if you shop on Amazon, use our banner on yourmomshousepodcast.com. What that means is go to yourmomshousepodcast.com, and there's a little square at the bottom of the home page. Click on that, and shop on Amazon as you normally would. It's super uncomplicated, and it just, like, gives us a few pennies from your purchase.

And we added a bunch of clips, by the way, on the clips page, if you want to go to yourmomshousepodcast.com. Yeah. And you can listen to or view where a lot of the audio clips come from. I don't give a shit. So, do that, watch the clips, and shop at Mama's. Yeah. Oh, man.

We did it. We got a big show. You know why we have so many sponsors? Because our show's a big deal, guys. It's a big deal. Okay, well, it's a big deal. Got a lot of stuff to cover. There's so many options for opening clip.

I mean, I don't even know where to go. I think I know where you're going to go with it, though. You do? If I know you. Do you think you know me? I know your options this week, but I know where your heart's at. Well, maybe I'll surprise you. I'll see.

Okay, you play, and then we'll see if I was right. All right. Well, let's go. It's time. It's opening clip. Here we go. Let's start the show. Can you feel me coming inside you?

Yes. What do you feel like? It's about liquid in there. Normally, I don't feel liquid in there. Do you usually let guys come inside you? No. Okay. What kind of birth control are you on?

My birth control is plan B. Okay. Jesus. We'll get you some plan B. Just what I thought, by the way. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking stand.

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. And Christina Pazitzis. And Christina Pazitzis. Welcome to your mom's house. Wow. You're kind of laid back today playing.

Casual. It's Monday. It's Columbus Day. I wonder if you can do something else. Wow. That was exactly the clip I knew you would play. Why? How'd you know?

Because I know we have to choose from today vaguely. And I know that's where your heart's at. My heart. You're always going to go with the dumb porno girl. It always makes you laugh the hardest. Well, the best part about this was that you sent me a clip. And I was like, what have you been watching? Well, no, it was sent in by a listener.

And then I just went through the emails. But I normally don't watch the... Sorry, I got to arrange it. I normally don't watch all the porno stuff sent in. I leave that for you. But this guy was kind enough to go. Don't even watch the porn. Just go to time code.

Well, the best part was that when you sent me the clip, I go, I guess I got to watch this whole thing, right? Or do I get to slip? And you go, no, I have a time code for you. Yeah. Well, because I don't want to watch the whole thing and sift through fucking to find the gold. Yeah.

It's that amateur casting couch stuff. And her badge is real hairy, isn't it? Yeah. And she seems like a really nice girl. You think? She doesn't seem cut out for this. This is not... She is not a girl you're going to see in other ones.

I feel like this is not for her. She's kind of a special request, huh? Only coming inside you? Yes. God. What do you feel like? Wow. She's got a messy hole.

Yeah, it's not... It's not pretty. It's not good. Yeah. It's not liquid in there. No, you don't feel liquid in there. Do you usually let guys come inside you? No.

Okay. What kind of birth control you on? My birth control is plan B. There was that... Wow. And she went... Wow. I really long thought about it.

Sure. Like birth control? Yeah. What kind of... What kind of... What kind of... What is that? What birth control?

And then... Why come I use that? But the best is that she doesn't think about it for a stranger. Sure. For the guys that you're seeing in your life? No, I don't let them. You who I just met. For fun.

You know, I honestly... I don't know how girls... Birth control? Yeah. Get that dough out. I had so much panic and shame and anxiety around sex when I started having it. I got myself... I didn't tell my parents.

Obviously, I had a friend drive me to Planned Parenthood and I was on the birth control from the beginning. And I was diligent about taking the pill. I don't know how girls don't get panicky about pregnancy. How are you so laid back about it, dumb, dumb? I don't know. And that's the least you got to worry about. You don't know where the scumbag has been.

Yeah. He's not clean. You don't think he's clean? I thought he was pretty clean. I mean, the cum looks clean. It's clear. Hold on. Isn't it weird that her snatch was kind of hairy?

It was more than kind of hairy. It's like matted. It was weird. Usually those girls, they wax up, right? Yeah. I mean, if you know your vag is going to be on camera. On television. You would probably want to have it look really good, I think.

I don't know. Oh, there's another porn girl. What are you looking for, Tom? I was looking for the best clip ever that we never had isolated for this. Oh, the same field. Do you know what I'm talking about? I was trying not to give it away. Do you know what I'm talking about?

I just found it. I just found it. Oh, gosh. Oh, this is the best. Okay, hold on. Oh, boys. I'm a fucking creeper and I'm going to mac on you little teenage girl. Yeah.

Sounds about right. Okay, hold on. Here we go. I love this one so much. This is the best. Hooker math. Yeah, hooker math. It's the best.

Porno hooker math. I am. I already got my old man hands on your young teen ass. Yeah, it's pretty good. It's not my type of person that would want to spend my first shoot on, you know, but it's all right. You don't really see his stomach, really. I don't think you do, maybe.

I'm not sure, but he like, he like leans back on it so you don't see it and he only films like that part. And it's like, I don't know. Like it was, it was. He actually hurt me, but then I. It's kind of, it's kind of gross. Yeah. Yeah.

It's kind of gross. Oh, that's not the clip though. Oh, and she does her math. Yeah. It's soon. It's soon after that though. It is? Yeah.

I remember. It's soon after Tom. No. Because I remember she's standing there like that in that wearing that when she talks about it. I remember that. Do you want to pause it and look for it? All right.

All right. Hooker math has been found. It was just, he came on my stomach type thing. Today I did two cream pies, but all I, all I did was just I went to Walgreens, got the plan B pills. So I thought they gave you extra for that. Didn't they? Yeah.

For the plan B. They gave me an extra hundred dollars for that. And plan B pills only like 40 something bucks. So that's 60 bucks that I get to keep. Why not? Like plan A like always works. I guess. I don't know.

Yep. There you go. I don't know. I don't care. Just my body. Yeah. I was dumping clips in me. I don't know.

Dumping their fucking clip in me, but that's 60 bucks in my pocket. You know, it's like, it's like worth it because having a baby is like whatever, you know, but $60 is $60 now. True. Versus like maybe having a kid, you know, you know. Okay. We'll get you some plan B. How about this in the meantime?

Was that what you thought it might be like? A little different. I thought it would be in a bed. That's right. I thought it would be in a bed. In a bed. And not on a couch. Because he just fucked her on his couch.

She's like, I thought it would be in a bed. Baby's first porno? You thought it would be. God. Now sweetie. Like does she know what she's doing for money right now? Does she know where she is? I don't know.

Most girls think that. Most girls think that. I'm still one of ten. How do you think you did? Five. No, you got a ten. Come on. Anytime you do that, you get a ten.

Oh man. Wait a minute. Does it stay in there? Or what do I do? Because no one has ever come inside. No, no. It drips out over like over a few days. No.

Does it stay in there? Or what happened? This was really the first guy that ever came inside. Do you believe that? Yeah, I think this girl is not an actress, man. Well, and also he did anal on her first and then went to cream. You're not supposed to do that. Yeah, you are.

You're supposed to go that way to that way. No, you're supposed to do that. Look, it feels good. Because it feels good to do it that way. It feels so much more good to go in there. I like how, by the way, every porn site now has these things where like, if you click on it, it's supposed to be a message from a woman. Like, I'm living, I live right down the street from you.

This is millions of housewives waiting now. Yeah. And it says like, do you want to fuck? Or not? Of course, yes. I want to fuck. You'll be fine. You'll be fine.

He told her you'll be fine. Fine. What a piece of shit this guy is. It's all good. Oh, man. Don't stress about it. Girl, shit. Just enjoy this.

Enjoy it all. I just came inside of you. It's not a deal. It's not a deal. Stop being a baby. There's still two guys came in me, but I had plan B. They gave me $100. It cost like 40, so.

So it's like, 60 bucks is mine now. It's unreal. These girls are just raised by wild dogs. Yeah. They don't have parents. You know what I'm saying? Like, you would tell your daughter, if you're here, you're going to tell your daughter you're going to get double cream pied.

Yeah. That's $200. Yep. Not a hundred. Right? Yeah. Isn't that the point? Yeah.

I would say there's two. You better give me $200 right now. Teach your kids. You gotta stand up for yourself. You gotta stand up for yourself. Yes. And I would say. And if you have a daughter or you're planning if you're going to have a

daughter, make sure you tell her to stand up for yourself. And if she's going to do a double cream pie, you get that $200. $200. It's a hundred per load. You're not going to trick me with this $100 offer. You send me $200. And she got anal. This one.

This poor girl. Wow. It's like a five. Okay. What's going on here? It's just audio. It's just audio. It's just audio.

Yeah. It's only smells. Now, since you're going to have a child, do you feel like you see porn people as different? 100%. 100%. 100%. 100%.

100%. When you, since you're going to have a child, do you feel like you see porn people as different? 100%. You do? That's somebody's... Here's the thing. Every loser on this planet, every scumbag, every derelict, every murderer, and every

wonderful, blessed human being on God's earth was created by a woman carrying them lovingly for nine months in her body. The ultimate sacrifice. Maybe some of them weren't so loving. No, no. Obviously so. But I'm saying that it's a sacrifice. A woman sacrificed her body to create you, and it's like, you're such a piece of shit.

But yeah, yes. Yeah. You see these as broken. They're broken people who, yeah, didn't have a chance. Didn't have a chance? I don't know. I don't know. They can't have good lives.

You can't come from good family. You don't think so? None of them? I don't see it. I don't see it. I think some might. Some don't. Yeah.

I don't know, dude. It makes you think like not a good family. Why? It doesn't...here. Here you go. A good family or a bad family? Her mom's. Her mom's a lawyer.

Her dad's a pediatrician. Yeah, she went to Harvard. Standard issue, story. Could have figured out a double major, and she dropped out a year early, and she had two loans. I'm sure that's her story, babe. Is it believable? What do you think?

Is it something like that? I think it's probably someone who she wanted to pay attention, didn't pay attention. In her, like, business master's program. And she was like, oh, this is the professor who keeps ignoring me. Of the master's program? Yeah. And then she was like, I don't give a shit. For what?

And then she did porno. Or like she was working at NASA, and she was like, huh, I'm so bored. Rockets, I get it. Boo-hoo. Boring. So over it. Yeah. Like K-Main.

Far. K-Main has. K-Main has many degrees. Multiple degrees. Multiple. Degree. She does. K-Main has, like, two or three degrees.

So many. Interest. Interest. I have a lot of very interesting life. Hi, I'm K-Main. I am a model for 60 plus milfs. I'm 63 years of age. This is my second time around here.

And surprisingly, I have an experience with two young gentlemen who have a really, really huge penis. And they truly satisfy me. Wow. And if you wish to know about my life, K-Main was born and raised in Thailand. And on the age of 16, I worked really hard to get the one-way tickets to Illinois. From there, I did two master's degrees in art and marketing. Art and marketing.

But do you see how good her life was that at the age of 16, she was like, I got to get the fuck out of Thailand. I'm getting a one-way. She specified that too. She's like, one-way motherfuckers to the Midwest. Why do you think she chose Illinois? I don't know. That's a really good question.

Someone from Thailand? Maybe there's a big Thai community in Chicago or something. Or maybe a gentleman. A gentleman. She was writing to. Said, if I can finish internally, I'll get to a degree here. Two in art and marketing. And marketing.

Marketing. I actually like K-Main. So do I. And I kind of want her to date my dad. Don't you think she'd be great for my dad? She would be fantastic for your dad. You think we could set that up? I'd love to.

And your dad could, you know, finish and come in. I actually really like her. She's smart and savvy. You wouldn't do a 63 plus milf? Um, I don't know, man. It would have to be like really in need. You're gonna one day. Well, yeah, that'd be a little different though.

Yeah. Yeah. Cause I'll be a 60 plus dilf. Yeah, you will be. God, your mouth is going to smell so bad. So bad. Your balls are going to be so soggy too. Yeah, they're going to really hang down there.

Really hang. K-Main. Remember, always get more than a hundred. Than the cost of the plan B. Yeah, at least. So we got so many great clips that came in. Let's see. This I don't need.

I have, um, would you like to hear? I got some new dad jokes for you. Dad jokes? Yeah. You know, you don't even have to ever ask about dad jokes. You never have to ask for dad jokes. Dad jokes are the go to. I always want to hear a good one.

Go ahead. Hit me with a dad joke. Okay. This came in, um, from Twitter. So shoot and I, I'm sorry for whoever this is. I'm not crediting you because I didn't copy and paste it properly. Okay. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

What? One's really heavy and the other one, the other's a little lighter. Okay. That's a really good one. Sorry, I fucked up the timing on that. Yeah, that's okay. Oh man, I feel terrible about myself. Um, first of all, my dad doesn't tell his corny ass shit like this.

No. His are all like super racist. Yeah, he likes like real shit. Really like meaner. Yeah. My dad would be like, what the fuck is this shit? Yeah. He'd be really upset like that.

But if you made like a China man joke, he'd be like, this is good. Good joke. Yeah. This is good. It's fine. Um, I saw one that came in that said, uh, that a guy said, I went in the kitchen and said, I'm hungry. And his dad said, hi, hungry.

I'm dad. It's like. Get it? Yep. What about the one we saw on the TV show the other night? Oh, I think I wrote it down. Yeah. It was so stupid.

It was on below deck. It was a total dad joke. I know what it is. It is. Oh, you remember? You say it because you wrote it down. Okay. So the, the guests on below deck, the, uh, that's the charter yacht series on Bravo

where like the, uh, the crew of a yacht has a new has new guests every episode. It's a fun show. We like it. We're into it. So this super dad goes out on the, the tender, right? On the smaller boat and they go fishing and then bad weather comes and he goes, let's make like flamingos and get the flock out of here. Yeah.

Let's get the flock out. Cause I only heard let's get the flock out of here. And I was like, Oh, that's, that's the end of a dad joke, right? Yeah. Pay attention to the first half. He made sure to it. Now he goes, let's make like flamingos and get the flock out of here. And you can see his daughter was like, fucking dad.

Dad with your goddamn dad jokes. Yeah. I'm going to let some guy cream pie me for $100. Another person wrote on the thing that, that, uh, that they were having dinner with their dad because there's dad joke confessionals apparently. What? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh man. So we were onto something. Yeah. We had something good here. Okay. And she said, um, uh, I was having dinner with my dad and he, uh, he spilled some peas off of his plate and he goes, Hey, I look, I peed on the table. It's terrible.

It's terrible. Why there should be a whole dad joke series, not just live tour. I mean, there's be a TV show just for dads so they can laugh at all these dumb jokes. What about their own network? Why are we thinking just to show? It's not ESPN. No. I mean, there's definitely some dad jokes.

There's a lot of dad humor on those after football shows you watch. Oh yeah. Those guys love dad jokes. Yeah. They're all dads. All of them. Yeah. The ball was flying.

Did you see that? They all are so old. Everybody's happy that went down. Yeah. And they all, yeah. They really. They're dad jokes. Yeah.

There are some guys on there that are so ancient. They all look like droopy dogs. Yeah. It's so fucked up because a woman could never be that ugly on television. But for some reason. That's my favorite thing that you point out. God. And that show.

And that actually, it actually opens my eyes a lot more. I never thought that way. And then one day I was watching TV and one of those guys, it was like a holster. Oh, you're a hacker. Or morally safer on 60 minutes. Oh, that dog eyes. And I was watching it and you walk in and you're like, oh, they would never let a woman that looks like this on television.

And I laughed so hard because I was trying to picture, I was trying to picture him with a wig and I was like, geez, you're right. Like if this was a woman, they would be like, you're done. You're cooked. Your career is over. Vanna White, they tried kicking her off. She's on TV. She's still on.

Right. Because she had to file suit, I think, against your wife. She filed suit? Threatening. Yes. Katie Couric. Poor Katie Couric. She's got to show her legs on the Tonight Show to feel relevant.

And Baba Wawa, I don't think she's on TV anymore. Well, no, but she had a full run. Come on. Babs, yeah. Took herself off. She took herself off TV in her 70s. But how old is he? Well, he's done.

Is he dead? No, he's done. But he was like, I think I should go die somewhere. He's 70. But 60 minutes, they let all their guys go. So, Mike Wallace looked great, and he was doing it in his 80s. Yeah, yeah. He was on point.

But he looked good. Morley. Morley. It doesn't look as good. That bastard hound, yeah. And who was the fucking, who was the guy that used to do at the end? Yeah, was that folks? Andy Rooney.

Just thinking that. Andy Rooney looked like shit for the last 25 years. He did that. Yeah. What's the deal with wind up watches? Yeah. Wind the watch, and I wind the watch. Yeah.

What the fuck is this guy talking about? We're paying for water and bottles. Why do we do that? Or you can just open the tap. It tastes good to me. Right. Yeah. Shut the fuck up.

Right. Internet. iPhone. I got a iPhone. Why do I bother with this thing? It was $8.99. Right. And it tells the same time.

This is $10,000 much. Right. Why would somebody pay so much for that? Pointing out, yeah, the big issues in life. What a great gig for that guy, though. That was it. He didn't have to do real pieces. Do you think he got paid?

A lot of people are doing real fucking investigative pieces, and then he was like, Tissue paper softer in one place than the other place. I don't even know. I know. Wait, what? You ever think about that? They're like, no. No one gives a shit.

Nobody gives a fuck about that. What the fuck are you doing here? Brown eggs are the same as white eggs on the inside, but they charge you more for the white ones. Wait, but do you think he made as much as the other people on 60 Minutes? No, but I think he made a ridiculous amount of money. Ridiculous. Yeah.

For sure. For sure. Yeah. Millions. I mean. Stupid ass thing. Fucking, you're on CBS. Business.

I don't know how many episodes they did for like per season. Oh, he was on there for, since 1920, he was on there. He wasn't on there from 1920. The talkies were invented and then he was. He was. Yeah. He was on TV for a long time. A long time.

Two things real quick. Thank you, Mommyapolis. You came out strong. That was unbelievable. And what did you get? We got a letter from Alana, right? Alana. Mets?

Mets? What was it? Yeah. Let me see it. I took a photo of the letter because I didn't want to lose the letter at home. I think it was, I think that's M-E-T-Z. I think. I don't know.

Well, Alana, you know who you are. Yeah. Thank you. That was really nice. And she made, and it only smells like framed painting or something. Beautiful. Really nice. For the nursery.

Yeah. Thank you guys for all your baby gifts and all your gifts always. Yes. And if we don't acknowledge it's only because we've forgotten today. And also I want to thank the fine staff at Marin Restaurant and Bar on Hennepin Avenue, Minneapolis for sending that sweet treat to me. The pastry chef there. Thank you, sir.

That was really kind. Really, really nice. I should call there. What was the sweet treat? Oh my God. It was to die for. This chocolate mousse like piece of cake essentially. Yeah.

Where was mousse? The bottom had like a crusty, you know, chucky bottom. The top was like a flaky chucky top. I like flaky chucky. Inside in the middle there was like a marshmallow or something. And on top there was crumbled honey nuts. Although it was ridiculous. Get your whole life.

You got to get your fucking life when you fucking eat it. I wish we could have one. That crazy. I lost my mind eating it. You better get your life. Yeah, I did. It was that good. Tamar's got a new album out just, you know, new R&B.

Yeah, I think she has like a number one hit or something. Yeah, I follow her on Instagram. Hmm. That's pretty cool. Yeah, I'm sure it's pretty awesome. Yeah. There's a nice lady. Oh, and this is my, my, I know I talked about this in the opening.

Yeah. When I plugged dates, but I wanted to make an, an impassioned plea for something. Okay. And that is this New York show that I'm doing next month is a really big deal for me. And I'll tell you why. I feel like New York is the mecca of what we do stand up. And it's the first time I'm going there as a comic doing pretty big room, but big for me, you know, I'm doing the Skirball Center.

Big room. It's a big room. I've had just such a great run this year. And, and I feel like the mommies are a big part of it. You know, they come out, they're super supportive. I need you to come out to the show. I need you. I'm talking, I'm calling Manhattan jeans, Brooklyn jeans, Bronx jeans, Queens jeans,

Staten Island jeans, Long Island jeans, Jersey jeans. It's a big show for me. It's a big deal for me. So please get your tickets, bring a friend. I got a big room to fill and I need your help. That's all I'm saying. You heard them. You heard denim.

You heard Lord Denim do it. Yeah. Put on your fucking jeans and get the fuck down there. It's going to be, it's a Friday night. It's going to be a fucking. You ain't got shit to do. You ain't got shit. You ain't got your mommies in the fucking stands.

You know. So anyways, I just wanted to say that it's very, it's a big deal to me. So that's why I'm, I'm expressing it. Good jeans. They will come. Oh, I know. I know. I'm just, you know, I get nervous.

It's a big room and you're like, oh Jesus, am I going to be able to fill this room? You will. That's the, it's the scary part of it. You know, you're going to do just great. Thanks. I think it might be time to play this clip. It's actually the clip we discovered after the clip that you found. You know what I mean?

I remember I was playing your clip and I was like, this is even almost more interesting. Yeah. Cause sometimes on YouTube, it's actually the one to the right of it that becomes the winning clip. And this one is kind of interesting. Like this guy, well, let's just start it and we can comment on it. Hi, I'm making this YouTube video. I want to talk to all your so-called straight white men out there, whether y'all with a

girlfriend or not with a girlfriend or thinking about girls. I'm making this video because I feel like a lot of gay men reject me. They kind of, a lot of gay men are way more racist than straight men. That's something that's horrible. I didn't know about that. Yeah. They're pretty mean to each other sometimes. Yeah.

But listen to that. I mean, this guy's really sincere, you know? They look at me like I'm not black enough or they look at me like I'm a nigga. I make this video because a lot of straight men are open-minded. If you're a straight, if you're a straight curious guy, please kind of look at my video because I'm tired of every time someone want a black guy, they got to be still tight black or we don't matter. So he's reaching out to, basically he's reaching out to me in a way.

Cause he's saying- Are you curious Tom? Right. Open-minded. Open-minded kind of guy. Straight white guy. Straight guy, yeah. Excuse me.

So-called. Straight whites. Yeah. I'm looking for a straight white guy to kind of fart on my face and put me in other and put me in fart porn with other guys way straight or gay because a lot of gay males are not open-minded. I feel like I'm at Nord. I'm letting you know this is my body and I'm very thin and I'm strong. I'm tired of people assuming I'm feminine.

I'm making this video because I want a group of white guys to fart on my face. You didn't see that coming. No, that's the best part. Did you see that coming? It's such a fucking left turn and he's so sincere. Can I tell you? Yeah. Part of me really wants to fart in his face.

To help him? Yeah. Cause I feel like he really, really wants those farts and no one's giving him right now. Well, I'll tell you what, you guys will be a match made in heaven. You think so? Well, I think you got the ammunition and he's got the receptacle. He wants it. He really wants it.

He really wants it. This is sincere shit. I know. It's not a joke thing at all. No. No. Okay. Let's see where else this goes.

Please call. Will you give me a call? He gives his number out in the next one. I'm sorry white guys, but I'm addicted to your farts. I'm addicted to your smells. And I'm addicted to what y'all suck. No matter what y'all eat, when y'all fart, it just come out the rosy. I've been trying to text a lot of people, a lot of white guys, straight white guys,

y'all should be happy. I'm, I'm not going, I don't want to pre-nate y'all women. And at the same time, the only thing I'm, the only time I kind of want a man is the only time I want, I want a man. The only time I want, what I like about, he's just struggling with this part. He's so, he's so in it. Like he's stuttering. He's stammering.

Yeah. Is that what this is? He's so excited. Yeah. Yeah. I can't get that fast enough. I want to make sure my, my thoughts get out here clearly. Men, what women part is they used to be women.

I like women that turn to men. The only time I'm bi, I like to watch a girl lick a guy's ass. Oh, who does? Okay. So he's like, I turned bi when a girl licks a guy's ass. Sure. Which again, you're not. What do you mean?

I'm really into it. Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you this. Fuck. I don't have it with me. A guy sent his business card to the green room. I was in the green room in Minneapolis and somebody came in and goes, Hey, a guy wanted to give this to you. He's, he's out here, hands me a business card, like a realtor.

I'm like, okay. And I turned the card over and it says, I would love to lick your butthole. He put it on his business card. Wow. And when I left, he was, he was waiting there and he goes, I just want you to know that. Did he just lick his, did he lick his lips? Oh, he wrote on a huge shirt. I'm Polly and I'm bi.

And then he wrote on the back, it's only smells. Oh, he's, he's game. Yeah. But I forgot his name. I'd love to give him a shout out. I forgot his name. I'm sorry. I kind of wish I could fart in this guy's face in this video that I feel like.

He doesn't want your farts. He doesn't want your farts. He doesn't want your farts. I have so many to give. So many. I'm looking for guys to kind of fart on my white guys to fart on my face. And they slut me. Other white guys to fart on my face.

Please. I want a white, a group of white guys to fart on my face. I wish a group of white guys to fart on my face. Please. I wish a group of white guys can fart on my face. Dude, he's so sincere. I wish y'all could make money on me being your slave. Please.

Please. I want to be a slave for white guys. Please. This is your match. I'm being overlooked. I'm being overlooked. This is your match made in heaven. I just had to make one more video.

I know I said it was my last video, but I just want to give y'all insight of what y'all mean when I say the beef cream, the chicken cream, the spicy cream, and the um, and the silver trot cream. Hold on. This guy, he made a chart of like a. A visual guide. A visual guide. A visual guide of what type of guy white guys predominantly make what types of farts.

Right. Like different hair colors, make different farts. And he made a whole like a graph chart. And for the record, we discovered this talent. It was emailed to us by the listener. But how many views does this guy have right now? 71 on this one. Okay.

27 on the other. Let the record show. Let the record show. Yana. Your mom's house. This is the premiere. Yana. We did this.

We did this. What else? Yana did this. Yana. LinkedIn is helpful. I know, but there's other people too. So. For luck.

Yeah. Let's see. I'll show you. This guy's, this is one of my. Yeah. Cause like I said, I got a lot to burn to the table. Like I said, if you have blind hair and you fart on me, you're chicken cream. I like to think your chicken cream, beautiful guppies.

If you have red hair, I like to think of you as spicy cream, beautiful guppies. Beautiful guppies. Beautiful guppies. He loves these farts. He loves them. And that's interesting. So I'm blonde, but I'm not a guy. But where did he get, how does he know about these farts?

If he's turned down and no one's taking him seriously? No, I think, I think over time, I mean, you smell different people's farts, not necessarily in a sexual context. I guess. If you pay attention enough. He thinks they smell sweet. Why? Let's see what the brunettes smell like.

Cause. If you have dark hair, I like to think of you as beef cream, beautiful guppies. If you have silver hair, I like to think of you as spicy, as silver trout cream. He has his hand drawn chart to show. I think he's right about your beef cream. I think he's right. Beefy farts with brown hair. Yeah.

He knows his fucking farts. He knows his farts. He's right about you though on the money. Beautiful guppy. I'm doing this because, like I said, I have a farfetch of white guys. When it comes to the smell of the man smell, when it comes to like the cream taste and the cream smell, please, please don't, anybody dismiss me. Do you, I mean.

No, I know. Don't you want to like, this is like a make a wish video. He just wants someone to take his please seriously. But who knew it was so hard for this need to be met. I always thought like, man, you know, dudes, when the dudes are there, dudes are always. Yeah. Dudes can just satisfy your dude stuff. You know, I just thought.

What if we hooked him up with King Ash Ripper? Oh, wow. Yeah. This guy would have like such a mind blowing orgasm. Who would just be done? He might kill him. But it's beef cream all day. He's got a dog hair.

Yeah. Now, I think, I think the King, they can make videos. That's what he likes to do. Make videos. This, this goes in a really cool place. So listen to this. I had been with all race of people. I had been with all race of guys.

Like I said, blacks, I've been with this is chocolate. Blacks, I've been with this is honey. Blacks, I've been with this is caramel. Asians, I've been with, I like to think it was beautiful fried rice. And Native Americans, I've been with, I like to think it was beautiful spaghetti. Like I said, I love all race of people, but I have a fuck that show white guys. Please, please can somebody help me? I have a lot of ideas, a lot to burn to the table.

If anybody make independent porn, can you please at least just give me a chance? Like I said, I like to be caring. I have a lot of short stories that I'm doing. And like I said, he's thinking already like a producer. Right. In other words, we can make, I'm down with the farts. Oh, porn. I can shape stories around them.

I think I think I have ideas. Okay. Cause I was confused earlier. I'm like, does this guy want to be in show business or does he want the farts? I mean, make up your fucking mind. He's multi-talented. He's multi-faceted. Yeah, multi-faceted.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Much care in the world. Please, please. I know I said this is my last, that was my last deal, but I'm not giving up. Please. I wish before Christmas someone put me in fart mail porn. Work with fat guys, tall guys, skinny guys. I might be small, but I am strong.

I had a guy 300 pounds one time sit on my face. Like I said, not all skinny people are weak. Look, sir, deceiving. Please can someone hire me? I mean, You gotta give out this guy's YouTube information so somebody can find him already. Let's help him. Let's help a guy.

He needs our help. Come on, master fucking farts, please. I'm telling you, that's a match made in heaven. But it's too bad the king is semi-retired. Yeah, he's not really doing it. And by the way, it's kind of sad last week. Don't even bring this up. I'm so devastated.

We introduced you to Prince Ashwiper who challenged the king. He made some videos. He's already gone. These fart masters are like ninjas. They just appear. They drop a little magic and then they go away. And you're like, where'd they go? You never know.

Oh my gosh. Gone. I think the fart masters of the world are sensitive artists. You have to be a sensitive person to cultivate that specific talent. For sure. And I think these guys can't really handle the attention. It's interesting. The celebrity of being on your mom's house.

Because let's face it, once we posted that, I bet he couldn't handle the level of fame. Yeah. Yeah. Probably. He got some attention for sure. Because when you're in that game, the fart game, it's for the love of the game. I don't think anyone goes into it thinking, how can I profit? So in a way, are we ruining these fart masters by bringing them to a whole other audience?

You know, I don't know what something to think about. Really is. Because they're in it just for the love. Well, this will be, these videos, both of these will be on yourmomshousepodcast.com. And he is on YouTube. Yeah, just go there. Go to yourmomshousepodcast.com. He gives away his number here.

I wouldn't call him though. Unless you're seriously... Don't fuck with him. Yeah, don't fuck with him. But unless you really want to fart in this guy's face, call him. I mean, yeah. We have a very wide range of listeners. Sure.

Who knows? There might be making gay male fart porn. For sure. For sure. If you are, could you give this guy a shot? I've never seen someone try this on. Yeah, there's got to be pornographers listening. Yeah.

Please, can someone take me sincere? Please, when you call me, do not play no cell phone games with me. Please. This is the last time. 267. Triple three, five, six, two, six. Again, 267. Three, three, three.

Five, six, two, six. Two, six, seven, three, three, five, six, two, six. Should we try calling him right now? Yeah. You want to? What do we say? I don't know. Okay.

Let's try calling him. Yeah, let's try. All right, we're giving it a shot. I mean, I don't know if he's going to answer. Let's try to get a little more info going. Hello? Hello? Somebody hung up.

Uh-oh. What's this? Do we know his name even? I think it's Diego. Okay. Let's try it again. His phone must be ringing off the hook. Well, yeah.

It's like 71. Let's see if he answers. Hello? Hello? Hey. Hello? Hey, is this Diego? This is I.

Hi, how are you? How are you doing? Hey, man, this is Tom Segura. I'm one of the hosts of your mom's house podcast. It's an internet show. And I hosted with my wife, Christina Pajitzki, and we do an internet show. We play a lot of internet clips and I found your videos and I was wondering if we could like talk to you a little bit about, you know, what you're trying to do.

I know you have this fetish and you want people to reach out. Is it cool that we, you know, get into that with you? Yes. I think you look like a dream come true. Oh, wow. That's great. This is amazing. So look, we found the videos and you just seem so sincere, man, like you really, really

want these farts in your face, right? Mm-hmm. Yes. And now. Is this a joke or just for real? No, no, no, no, no. I'm not, no, no. We do joke around a lot.

We are comedians. It's okay. But I am sincere in that I see how sincere you are and this is going to air to a lot of people and I think we can make an effort together to try to get you what you want. So anyway, we were playing the videos and first of all, how did you discover that you first had this fetish? Can you tell us that? When I was, um, now I was not molested, but I had a, but at a young age, a member, it

was his cute little, his cute young guy with like nice sandy blonde hair and he got up from sitting and what I did was smell the chair behind him and with his sandy blonde hair, that to me was like a chicken queen smell and I got off on it, not only physically but psychologically. Mm-hmm. Like I said, when it comes to blind hair guys, I like to think of y'all with chicken cream with a man smell. When it comes to guys with red hair, I like to think of them as barbecue buffalo cream

with the, um, red hair and guys with beef cream, guys with dark hair, the beef cream. Did you get that part when I said all that or not? Yes. Yes. We were just playing that. I mean, so have you, have you been with every one of those different types of guys? I had, but it was once in a while because it was rare for me to find somebody every time I asked a guy, can he do that with no sex?

He looked at me strange because like I said, psychologically, I am attracted to a male and also it's a good thing you call me because I'll be able to make another YouTube video of putting out some short stories that I'm working on right now. That's a project. No. You know? No. It's my dream.

It's like a Christmas list. If somebody put me in far porn, I will, I mean, far, without farting my face, I was long out. It's like a Christmas list. It's like a bar. Wow. It's like one of my nubblings. I'm sincere about that.

I can tell you're sincere. What, now can I ask you, where do you live in the country? What city are you in? Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, made an art museum. So I mean, Philly is a pretty big city. What about you getting a hold of just, you know, that you can get cameras for a really good purchase or rental rate, putting it out, putting an ad out there, maybe on Craigslist or something, and like actually becoming an independent fart producer yourself, making

those, making those videos. I know that, but I like to like kind of, it's a, but the guys who I live at are not been minded. I've been to bars. Yeah. And I've been places. That's why I made them. And I put that, like I said, Ericsson Falls 24, I've been trying to put that out there

and nobody kind of like it, both in a day, so that's why I use casting and stuff. And that's why I'm praying that somebody can come to Philadelphia, film some stuff in my house while I let it, because I love a friend that don't mind, and you can show it off to the people that, that was, I'm sorry, I'm just kind of tired. No, it's okay. You can show it off here. You can show that off to the world, because like I said, I'm proud of God's fart in my face.

And the reason I want to get involved and with the white guys, because it's a dangerous image that they put that every person is the same and no one individual. And I might be skinny, but I'm very strong. I saw that. Yeah, yeah. So. So, yeah. Now, dude, do this is something I don't know about, but do different races really have

different smelling farts? Well, I want to be honest, I want, I love all race of guys. But when it comes to white guys, you know, to me, I love, I like the big y'all, it's like a sandwich with men and ranch on it and luncheon meat on it, because they say white people don't have color, but y'all hair get that man smell to me. It does. So now, so I mean, I get like the, you know, maybe the natural smell can be different, but do, do race, does race have anything to do with farts smelling different?

Well, like I said, I've been with black guys and like I said, I mean, don't even know, I'm not talking about my race, but my race is, I don't, I'm not really, I'm, I'm sorry, I should say this. It's okay. I've been with, I've been with a lot of black guys because that y'all see, I am black. That's obvious. And for black guys, I don't know, I just don't get to throw out of that farts. Really?

You know, to me, they just don't got that smell like, I've been with Asian guys and to me, you know, they don't have that man smell. I'm in for now Latino guys and Italian guys. I like to think of them as like a nice garlic sound, a nice, the garlic sandwich because of that golden skin and that carcassian deep skin. I think I had a Italian guy with like hairy dark hair looking at him. It's like, I should say when I give, when I smell a tango, greet guys, but when I look at them, looking at them is like looking at like a nice roasted dark turkey where it's

like on bread and mayonnaise and gravy put together. Like I said, I don't mean to look at your precautions, but I have a intense bark fetish, you know? Yeah. So that's why I'm kind of attracted to whites in your pants because again, which all skin being light, y'all just had that mayonnaise cream taste I like. Wow. And when it comes to the darker European guys, I like to think of that, um, a nice like dark

blazed turkey, garlic with, with, with, like mix with brown gravy and mayonnaise and cream is on that bread as well. Wow, man. I love these food descriptions. Now I want to look, I really want to do everything I can to help make your dream come true. I think the best way to go is we tell this audience, you know, this, this is going to get, this is a podcast that's going to come out on Wednesday that you're totally sincere, which I got that from your videos and you want, you do want sincere people to reach

out. What's the best way to reach out? Is it Twitter? Is it Facebook? Or is it just the number? I mean, your number is in the video. Is it your number? You want people to know?

I wish that somebody, what I wish is somebody could come meet with me and get a camera, talk to me first about what I like to drink at the table and photograph me and put it out there. And I like to work. And like I said, I like to work long hours and the, you know, I really would like to work long hours and like have the guys like, because like I said, I'm not, even though I do them on ideas, I'm not the guy that does this because I don't burn my bridges. Like say, for example, you've become a spot up here, you get me, right?

Yeah. I would like, we will meet somewhere, talk and before you think about like taking me on, you know, you can kind of have like, you can kind of choose, oh, I'm tongue touched. No, wait, let me ask you this. Let me ask you this though. So but for the initial, for the initial contact, should the initial contact be the number you gave out? Is that the one people should reach out?

Yes. Why don't you say it again? Yeah. Why don't you say the number? So people will know. Two, six, seven, triple three, five, zero, two, six. Okay. So we're putting that out there and here's one thing I wanted to ask you.

I mean, everybody knows, maybe people don't know farts as well as you do, but I think we all know our own farts. And I know that like, you know, certain foods and certain things can affect. Do you have a preference of what somebody eats before a fart? They can eat anything because like I said, I say they can eat anything, but my preference is I like guys in great sweat pants that really gives me on and I like guys in jeans or business food. Oh, but no, no, I'm not in the silk, but great sweat pants that really give me the run like

my friend. I live with he, he don't want to show us up, but he got blonde hair and blue eyes. And when I smell him, he's not like chicken cream. My friend. I live with his name is Daniel. Okay. You love chicken cream. I don't have a favorite.

I like chicken cream. I like beef cream above the buffalo cream. And then does this get you off? Like as soon as you smell it, you feel like getting off? Yeah, I think, yeah, say, say we did a, say we did an eight hour video of y'all partner in my face. An eight hour video. Say at the other eight hour after eight hours, I like to either, I like to come

after it or come between it because like I said, I'm just so into farts. It's not about farts. That's like a drug to me. You know, I get high off of it. This is the best man. And this is so interesting. I've never, you know, we talk about farts a lot on this show, but to, I love to hear your, yeah, your passion and is, is so, it really reads.

I mean, it really, really reads. I, I really want to help you get what you want. I really think it's possible. No, I just, like I said, I'm not poor and I live with a friend and I might be in between jobs, but at the same time, you know, I still wish that I can give. I should say this. I wish I could make a living just knowing that farts and that's not all of me. I want to be a book writer to inspire the light.

I don't know if y'all gay or not, it don't matter, but I'm tired of this joke like that. Everybody gay goes for who's the best looking man and we all get eight. I don't have eight in me. If you're the heavies, I'm not better than them. You know, I want to work with and also like older got the part on me. As I said, God will break here because they're like a civil out trial. Well, the other thing is to, I mean, yeah, I, I'm, you know, well, now I'm

tongue-tied, but, uh, you know, we have a big Philly audience. So maybe somebody out in Philly can help make this happen. I really, I really want someone to fart on you. And, um, I really thank you. I'm praying. Okay. Well, we're praying with you and, um, we couldn't be happier that we, we contacted you. Thank you so much for your time.

Uh, I have a feeling that beginning on Wednesday, you're going to be getting some phone calls. Okay. So I hope. Yes. Yes. We got your number and we're going to put it out there, man. Say it again.

One more time. Say it one more time. Say your number one more time. One more time. Two, six, seven, three, three, three, five, zero, two, six. Okay. Now our audience knows no games. We don't want you calling him to play games.

We want sincere guys, sincere guys that are willing to fart on Diego's face in the Philadelphia area. And, um, you know, he, he really wants this. So if we can make this happen, this would be a dream come true. I thank for everybody. Okay. Yeah. Like I said, I like to, um, also I would like to, um, make it where I'm

where these, where either I can go to your house today, come here and somebody can have a camera and we can kind of feel about how to like put it out there on, um, the computer. Oh, and let us know when you do that. Yeah. Yeah. I said, y'all don't, uh, like I said, y'all don't got, like I said, to put it on sincere, y'all don't got to pay me first.

Y'all could just put me to work. And then I like to earn people. What I like to do is earn people's eyes before I earn their wallet. That's my gratitude. Right. Okay. Well, um, hey, look, we're going to, we're going to reach back out to you and see how this goes.

Okay. I'm going to call you again. Please do. And we'll, we'll figure it out. I'm sure I'd be near the phone Wednesday. Well, I mean, it's a podcast that'll come out around, you know, midnight. So by the time you wake up in the morning, uh, people will have your number and, and by later in the day, a lot of people will have your number.

Yeah, three, my number, three, my number. One more time. I know you have it. Well, I, okay, I have it here. It's a two, six, seven, three, three, three, five, zero, two, six. This whole, look, Diego, our whole conversation is going to air. This is, this is a recorded conversation. Yes, yes, it will be a dream.

I'm so happy. We're so happy to, to be able to help you with this, man. Thank you. No problem. All right, buddy. We'll talk to you later. Okay. You take care.

Okay. Bye. Bye. That really just happened. I can't believe that really just happened. I know guys. Just so you know, this is not a setup. Like we, not at all just found this guy's video and we on a wild whim decided to

call him and that was real. That was a hundred percent just in the moment craziness. Yeah. Dude, please call this guy, but let's make the plea again too. Don't fuck with the guy. No, like, no, please. It's a gift that you find a video like that and you find a passion like that. And I know we can't keep people from doing whatever they want, but man, if

somebody would really, if somebody in our audience would really satisfy this for him, how great would that be? I know it's like a love connection we're making. Yeah. He really is sincere. And I, yeah, guys, don't fuck with this guy. I think he's, he's, he is so sweet. Yeah.

I think he really, he just was like, I don't know how else to make it clear what I want. Yeah. And he's really putting it out there, man. Good for him. Yeah. I mean, when you put it out there like that, you got to be applauded, right? Dude.

Yeah. Seriously, for anything. And the best part of that call, he's into what? Grace web pants and jeans. Whoa. He's into jeans. Talk about a match made in heaven for our show. Has a podcast ever met somebody better for it?

Like, God, no, I'm doing this because like I said, I don't, I don't, I don't even think I got, it's a tablet and I think I got it's a cell phone. I got, I got a lot of ideas. I got a lot to bring to the table, but I don't know how to set it set up like a site. And when I do set up a site, I don't want to just be the one in camera. I want to be the one doing something. Even when I did kind of like, I don't want to be vain.

I want to be in a video where before y'all kind of before, let's say you see me important before I got it. He's, he's, he's on it. He's on his mission. We're going to help dreams come true on the show before Christmas. He said he wants it. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. That was incredible. Yeah. Probably one of my, that was a highlight of your mom's house for me. That will all came together so miraculously, right? It was meant to happen. It was meant to happen. Maybe this will change your mind.

Something else miraculous is going to happen. My fellow Americans, the left's attack on assault weapons is back. There is no doubt that it's a tragedy when anyone takes the life of another without cause, but to blame assault weapons for these tragedies would be like well, blaming airplanes for the 9 11 attacks. The problem lies with the perpetrator, not the tool used to commit the crime. The left is now screaming from the rooftops that there is no good reason for any American to own an assault weapon, that they're not good weapons

for defense or for hunting. There you go. And that is, of course, didn't greasy. Chuck Woorie letting us know that assault weapons are necessary. Thank you, Chuck. Wow. Thanks for weighing in always, always important. And what a voice to let us know too.

Yeah, yeah, I haven't heard his commercials lately on on the radio. Well, he's busy making videos like this. Frankly, they're missing the point. Take it from my philosophical guru and life coach, Ice T. You know, the right to bear arms is because that's the last form of defense against tyranny. He brings up ice tea. That's why fellow rapper Ice T and I are a fellow pop and lock step on

gun control, regardless of any East Coast, West Coast rap rival. Boy, that was a dad joke right there. It was a big time. The advice of a couple of aging rappers isn't enough for you. Man, he's really shitting on ice tea with that comment. These reasons. Number one, the Constitution. Man, I can't even he's out of his fucking mind.

Well, this will cheer you up only on Fox, a 12 year old Angleton girl desperate for her help. She's seen several different doctors, all of whom are baffled as to why she sneezes as many as 12,000 times a day. It affects her life in so many ways. She can't go to school. She can't sleep. She can hardly eat.

So as you can imagine, she is ready for relief. Fox 26 is Sally McDonald spoke with the girl and her family. You know, like they meet Caitlin Thorneley. I'm 12 years old. I'm in the seventh grade. Her life is supposed to revolve around family and playing the clarinet, not be interrupted by this. Caitlin sneezes up to 20 times a minute or 12,000 times a day.

You must be exhausted. You have no idea. I just I'm constantly in pain with, you know, my abdomen and my legs are hurting because I've been weak and I can't I can barely eat. She can't go to school either. Sounds like somebody we already know when you're on your knees at your father's funeral at his casket and you're saying goodbye to him. And then you have nine orgasms right there by your whole family

is standing behind you. This makes you never want to have another orgasm as long as you live. You know what? Just keep on coming. You've tried going. What happens when you do go to school? Some kid ends up making fun of me or something like that. And it just gets.

Oh, God. Oh, her parents say it started more than three weeks ago. I just started like in come on work. I mean, I hate to laugh because she's a child. Yeah, but it sucks. That's so horrible. How is this even possible?

It's got to be some kind of, you know, negative reflex, some bad reflex or some spasm that this lady said it just started three weeks ago. But she's lived a normal life till then. Is that right? Yeah, I got to hear that again. Oh, my God. Her parents say it started more than three weeks ago. I just started like in little spurts, like I just, you know, start sneezing. Caitlin had just left a clarinet lesson.

I thought it was like, oh, I'm allergic to something. I didn't wash out my math piece the right way. It never went away. Wow. So 22 now and hasn't gotten any better. Oh, God. Sorry, it's just not fun at all. What's that? Why is that? Listening to the Beatles helps Caitlin relax.

So when she's relaxed, does she stop the sneezing? Well, she just was listening to them and then she needs the only time she doesn't sneeze is when she falls asleep after taking Benadryl. Sometimes I wish that I could leave my body for a little while, so I can just. So this is brand new, though. That's the weird thing, man. I don't know. I mean, maybe this guy could give her some advice, you know? I just had nine rather powerful orgasmic sensations full of my entire body.

Watch myself sleep and be at peace, because even in my dreams, I sleep, I sneeze. Oh, Caitlin's doctors and her parents are absolutely stumped. Our hearts just go out to her because this is so she's saying that to her in front of her. But she's like, my heart goes out to her. We are hoping that our viewers, our Fox 26 viewers, have some answers for Caitlin. We'd love for this to lead to you. It's interesting. You ever see how like life and art kind of reflect each other? Sure. I feel like this newscast

trying to help this little girl sneezing is a lot like us trying to help the guy get farts in his face. You're right. We just both we just mimic each other's story. Right. Right. We should reach out now to this news station and say, right. We know what you're doing for her. Will you do it for our friend Diego, the guy that wants the farts in his face? Yeah. Wow. And we did that.

They're doing the same kind of plea. Well, you know what this is, Tom? It's we're givers. Yeah. We're doing service for the community, for the world at large. What a neat thing. Can I tell you if I were these parents, though, what do you this? Did it say where they lived? Well, it's they said the I forget. Well, anyway, the news channel, I don't know where that is. Some local shitty news.

I'd say get on a plane and go to the next, the major city where they have like, you know, doctors that can actually help a kid. Mayo Clinic, Cleveland Clinic, Johns Hopkins. Yeah. Get on a plane, spend the money. Don't go to your fucking local doctor. OK, that's that's the problem here. That's what happened to that guy with those huge nuts. Remember that guy and he was like, I've seen every Vegas doctor.

Well, it's like, that's the problem. Yeah, they're not real doctors. You need to go. They are real doctors. They're in Las Vegas. They're not real. But they are doctors. They are real. But you can't just see your general practitioner, right? You know, a little bit of Benadryl is not going to help. Some something's wrong. Well, yeah, and their parents are like,

well, she's been taking Benadryl for twenty two days. You're still sneezing. Get on a plane, get on a train, get the fuck out of whatever town it is. Otherwise, you know, it'll be just a lifetime of. What the fuck? Why do these people hesitate? Something I think it's just so rare and. Difficult.

They've been to six doctors, viruses and allergies have been ruled out. No medication is working. They believe it could be a stress related reaction. Anything you talk to about that irritates her even slightly, you can just see it just spike and just continuous sneezing. You know, it's really easy to trigger. I don't care what they do. I just wanted to stop.

It's been going on for way too. Caitlyn says she's trying to stay positive and keep up her sense of humor. It sounds like it is emotional. It sounds like mom and dad are stressing her out. Someone's stressing her out. Come on, mom and dad, figure it out. It's a poor kid. What a fucking nightmare.

Would you rather have this girl's problem or the orgasm guy problem? Oh, God. That's a real who done it, man. Why don't you play the theme song? We just fucking got a new theme song for it. That's right. Shit. I can't believe I started to spring that on you.

But it's in the moment, man. I work in the moment. You know what? I'm the queen of improv. That's what happens. We all know who the king is. I'm the queen. Man, I'm just going to fucking wow.

I don't even know where it is right now. You really just dropped that on. Sorry. Well, you know what? We changed the theme song. Shake your body, baby. Do the con guy. No, you can't control yourself.

And in no go come on. Shake your body, baby. This is what you rather know. You can't control yourself. And in no go. Shake your body, baby. Do the con guy. No, you can't control yourself.

And in no go come on. The rhythm is getting stronger. Don't keep fighting. Shake your body. Do that con guy. No, you can't control yourself. And in no go come on. Feel the rhythm.

Now the music is getting stronger. Don't keep fighting. Do the con guy. Be. Do the con guy. Be. That's enough for us on this show. I know.

Jesus. So which one would you rather have? God, either non stop work guys. Well, here's the thing. I think both take you out of life. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. So why not feel good?

You know, why not come everywhere all the time? Because then is there are your pants full of jizz all the time. No, because they empty the fluid empties itself. Eventually you're not. You're just feeling orgasms all the time. I mean, wouldn't you rather feel that than sneezes all the time?

Here's why I'm going to go with sneezes. You're out of your mind. Because at least the sneezes. You can be around children. You can be around children. You can come around kids. You can go to your dad's funeral with a sneezing problem. You can go to your dad's funeral.

Someone already did. You're so debilitated with the orgasm problem. Why? You can't go to public. Yes, you can. At least with the sneezes. You can do your life. He's not jizzing every time.

He's just having orgasms. But people know because he's like, Oh, he's doubled over and she's sneezing all the time. All the time. And people know that you're coming. That's. That's fine. People are like, is that guy coming right now?

And then you get to know me as the guy that's always coming. You know, that's how you would know in your neighborhood. You're like, oh, that guy, he's always coming. It's like the guy that used to walk around Silver Lake. Silver Lake walkers. Or like the guy in Minneapolis. I saw this weekend with no legs but a skateboard. And he and he kicked.

He paddles with his right hand and a towel. And that's how he gets around Minneapolis, scaring the fuck out of everybody downtown. That guy has that life. And then you're the Los Angeles orgasmer. Yeah. What do you think? I think, I think, I think it'll be really fucked up when your kids born

and you're holding your son. What would be a better way? Yeah, to introduce a life than to come at the same time as you hold your newborn. I think that's a beautiful thing. You know, it's just an orgasm. I hear you. You know what? You've got a good argument.

I'm not going to fight you on it. Don't fight me on it. They're both equally. They're both equally good scenarios. You know, it's interesting. I mean, I can't believe you're going to take, but now with the sneezing, you just think you'll be able to function with all that sneezing?

She sneezes 12,000 times a day. No, but at least you can go to school. Maybe, maybe you can go grocery shopping. You can be out in public. And I argue that you can come and do that. You cannot come in your pants 10 times in the Starbucks line. You can. Babe.

It's not, you're just going, ugh. I'd be so ashamed. I would be in constant shame. But that's the problem. Of course. It's the shame. Me, I feel good about it. I feel good about it.

Constant source of shame for me. Oh my God. Now, it's interesting you brought up that you are the queen of improv. Yeah. I mean, I am the king of improv. I feel for you. I'm not saying so. Stephen Seagal is the king.

He, lucky for all of us, called into the MMA hour. Oh my God. And there's so much of it to cover. But I just love how it even how it starts because they go, the host, I'm sorry. I don't have his name right now. I don't know his name. He's a very well known commentator for this. But he's like, we haven't seen you in a while at the UFC's.

I've seen you. It used to be kind of a staple at the UFC events, which is where obviously I work these days. How come we haven't seen you in quite some time? Now, here's the answer. Well, I've been around the world a lot. I just got back from Japan and China and Romania and Thailand and Kazakhstan and Uzbekistan and Russia and I've been just traveling. Seven countries.

You're always doing important things. I see you in Russia. I saw all kinds of politicians trying to get you on board. Anything you could tell us about or is this all top secret stuff? Rather than going into the details, all I can say is... By the way. Does he have the sneezing work problem? No.

He's always clearing his throat in everything now. I think it's because he always just ate because every interview, he's like... He's always like holding in burps, burping in his mouth. I think he's 300 pounds now. I think he just has always just eaten. I think it's just being 300 pounds. I think he literally just ate something right before his phone call and he's just like... Always eating.

Never not eating. Never not eating now. He's so enormous. Hold on. I got to... I mean, by the way, do you like... That's not accidental that he's like... Can you tell us about that?

He goes, rather than going into the details, it is top secret. He's implying like... He's with the CIA. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, like... He's helping out the government. I could... I can't really tell you about it, so...

I think it's very important... Like Elvis. ...to understand that every country probably has to have a government or a section of the government that's very interested in their own strategic superiority and therefore they have a section that would be dedicated to disinformation and propaganda and all that stuff. And I understand that. Conversely, I am a strong believer that Russia and America should be best friends. I think this is one of the most important things that could happen in terms of world

balance of power. And I dedicate a lot of my time and my energy to that. We have certain people in power now that really hate Russia and are saying a lot of things about Russia that I believe are completely untrue. Right. And there are certain... There's a lot of information that's being... So now there's vocal cracks and...

Did he vomit during that? He's got vocal fry and he's vomiting now during it. And then he's completely untrue. And some of that I kind of know for a fact. So I am not a politician. I'm not out there to spread the truth and debunk this information. I'm just an emissary trying to say I think that Russia loves America and most of my friends love Russia.

And I think that we should all be together in getting along for the sake of world balance of power. Right. So you're trying to bridge the gap. Yes. And who's asked you to do that? Is it Russia or the U.S.? Who asked you?

Who the fuck? Well, there have been people on both sides. There have been several Congress people, particularly Dana Rohrabacher, asked me to set up meetings for the specific congressional delegation and I did that. In Russia. Wait, he's claiming that Congress people have reached out to Stephen Segal of all people to act as a bridge between Russia and the United States. That's what he's claiming.

Congress people have reached out to him. Can you set up this delegation? Stephen Segal. I think he's delusional. I think he has serious mental problems. You know who else? It was also a delegate, an ambassador of Goodwill to North Korea. Remember?

Dennis Rodman. That's right. Suffered the exact same delusion. Yes. And he's like, that's so true. How did we not talk about that before? It's the same bizarre fantasy that they are. That's so funny.

What was this? And what was Dennis Rodman? Severe alcoholic. Yeah. And then this guy is belching every other fucking sentence now. He's a bloated mess. He's a bloated mess. Congress asked me...

Do you think Diego would like Stephen Segal's farts? Yeah, he would have those beef cream. What was the cream thing? Cream chicken? Chicken cream? He kept saying cream. I don't know. I don't need chicken cream.

I don't know what that was. I think it means cream of chicken, like the soup. I guess. I just didn't know that description as well. But you know what I like? Also, Stephen Segal's argument for why he's doing this is because most of his friends want to see Russia and America. Right.

Yeah, of stuff. Most of Stephen Segal's friends, you understand? You know what I feel like? This is like... He knows it's over for him in movies and stuff. Yeah. And he goes, you know, what can I do? What can I insert myself into?

And Russia's the only country interested, like Putin likes him. It's one of those countries where they're like... Like they like Michael Jackson too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or the fucking Baywatch guy. Yeah. They're like, hey, you're that guy we used to see in the... And he's like, you want me around?

Yeah. And so he's like, this is one of my big causes that I really put a lot of energy into. No. I said they just got television over there. No one asked you to do shit. No. These are shitty countries with nothing going... Hungary is the same way, by the way.

And I say shitty country with my mother country in the same sense. No one asked you... No. Shit. No. You're not a delegate, bro. God. He's out of his fucking mind.

Absolutely. Yeah, do you remember that with Michael Jackson? Like the United States, we were kind of over him for the whole child molesting. And then he would go to like Bosnia and Romania and tour. And they would just be weeping in the streets to see him. And then we were like, we're done with you, man. We're done with this place. But everyone there was like...

Watch this bullshit. Yeah. Yeah, they're like, this is amazing. Yeah, so what if that's our new delegation for like our new secretary of state, you know, is Rodman. Yeah. And then Segal is like the undersecretary. And together they work together, you know, they just solve all of our international problems.

Well, wait a minute. I think you just wrote a new movie. That is a pretty good movie. Wait a minute. I think we've just written the next script for our next co-writing production. Yeah. Yeah. Sure.

What was the last catchphrase from your other movie? Um, I have my dad's dick. Right. I need... I forget. My dad's balls. My dad's balls. Right.

That's a different movie. We already did that one. That one's in production now. Right. Well, yeah. Okay. This one's new comedy. It's a buddy comedy.

It's Dennis Rodman and Steven Segal. And they're delegates to North Korean interaction. They're delegates? What is it called? What are they? Ambassadors? Yeah. I mean...

Not delegates. Ambassadors? Sure. Yeah. Or you want them to be in the government? I think they should be government officials. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Wow. That's exciting. Watch this bullshit. Yeah. I mean... Or do you think... You think it's like a goodwill delegation goes over? Right?

That's what you're saying? I don't know. I don't know. I like the idea of them being in government and we get to see him. Imagine those egos. Oh, my God. When you got to have them be like equal because they each want to have the power, you know? Because Segal, no one tells him what's up.

No. For sure. So when... If Rodman was like, I'm going to tell... I'm going to... Let me handle this right here. Yeah. Watch this bullshit.

Yeah. Watch this bullshit. And then Segal was like... Or it was like, nah, I'm going to talk. And then Rodman goes... And then they fight. Or the best part is like, they both have to go to Russia. Right?

But then, of course, Rodman's like, I'm going to have basketball. I'm going to have a basketball game. And he's like, I'm going to have a kicky footing demonstration. Yeah. Maximum kickage. That's how they do everything. Yeah. Him, man, they're such good bloated former athletes.

Yeah. I mean, Rodman's not that bloated. He's just drunk and worn down. He's fucked up. Yeah. But Segal's super bloated. Super fucking... Super out of it.

Maybe they feed him in these countries that he visits. God, they definitely feed him well. Yeah. I'm telling you, everything that he... Watch that whole... That Mike Chivalro interview, The Voice Versus, where he does... He interviews Segal for like an hour. And the whole time, every question, he's like...

Like he burps in his mouth. He's like, oh, well. You can even hear it. And some of these interviews, like in some of the clips that we've played, you can hear him. Well, actually, I started studying karate at a very young age. I sort of lied about my age and got a job watching dishes at a restaurant. I think it was called the wagon wheel or something like that. Right there's one of them.

Yeah. And he just belched. There was a cook there. He was back then in America. He didn't really have dojos. And everybody knows that when you go to do press, like, you don't just stuff yourself right before. I think he does.

I think he shoved it in his face. Always at that crafty table, huh? Oh, man. God. Man, I'm fucking unbelievable. Unbelievable. This is a crazy one that came in this. Oh, here's a clip, by the way, from Segal in that interview with Mike Chevalo.

Listen to the question and the answer. This is great because it's just him mocking somebody. This is why he wouldn't be able to work with Rodman. Hollywood tough guy in your opinion. You accept it, of course. When you say tough guy, do you mean martial artists or just tough guy? I mean, Stephen, for real, if he was on the street and there was a situation, you wanted this Hollywood guy by your side because he could defend himself.

So that's the question, right? The question is, can you name somebody in Hollywood that can defend themselves in a real situation? Right now, Segal is looking at him like... Hello, I'm right here. No, he said you're excluded from this. Oh, okay. I want you to name somebody else. And he's like...

His look is like there's nobody, right? There's nobody. Surely. So he's thinking, he's thinking. More things. Is that hot? I think of a legit one. Can you think of one?

Mark will draw a white. Can I laugh in your face? Really? Wow. Yes. He's really throwing his dick around on this. Absolutely, man. There wasn't...

He's like nobody... He laughed first. He actually let... Yeah. Then he went, can I laugh in your face? Yeah. Really? Yeah.

Nobody can do it like Steven Segal is what he's saying. Yeah. No. Wow, dude. He's a shit on Michael Jai White. Wow. You know who that is? No.

Well, he's an actor that is a bit of a tough guy also. Martial arts. I think he does do martial arts. All right. So, yeah. I mean, this guy's a tough guy. He was just shitting on this guy. Yeah.

I mean, I don't know how tough he is, but he's definitely... He was the original when they did the Mike Tyson movie, I think HBO or something. He played Tyson. Oh, wow. He's fucking... Yo, he's like just great. I know he trains, but Segal obviously no respect. But Segal fancies himself the martial artist.

The master of master. So, he's like, no matter how big you are, I can always out kickyfoot you. I kickyfoot more than anybody. This is... What? Oh, sorry. I was just thinking of an interview. I had heard somebody say that under siege...

Yeah, it was Arnold Schwarzenegger was being interviewed and he was talking about how under siege came out and it just kind of dribbled out like it didn't... No, that one did well. Oh, under siege too, maybe I'm thinking of. Maybe, yeah. Didn't do very well. I want to say... He was kind of shitting on Steven Segal. I think he did a few of them.

I think under siege was his biggest box office success. Okay. Maybe I'm wrong, yeah. Yes. Maybe it's the next one. But he did make under siege too dark territory. Dark territory. That made...

Well, that made money. Yeah. Yeah. It's so hard on the sequels though. It's so hard. How do you... Yeah. You can't revive what made the magic the first time.

God, he's... Yeah. I mean, I wonder what under... Did he make three? I don't know, it's too many. There's so many. How's your HIV, by the way? Babe?

I get nervous about that sometimes. Do you want to hear this last clip? Yeah. This is a woman. She is on the phone with customer service of a credit card. And she turned on her phone... Her, excuse me, her computer video recording to record herself making this call. Because, well, it's just out, right?

I'll let them do the work. And you do so well at your business. And what you do... Yes, yes. That your boss lets you talk to female customers and say that you want to masturbate to them? Every month. All what my boss needs is the revenues and I'll make the revenues for my boss. And you're from Cartholder Services?

I remember some of the stuff I had. So I made almost like $15,000 to $40,000 for my boss. So he's happy with me. He gives everything to me. If I want to fuck with anyone, he let me do it. I had my boss back. Pretty bold attitude, though. Brazen.

Yeah. So she's like completely flabbergasted that this guy's talking to her this way. But then you... We obviously missed the first time that this went down. She's turned this on like midway through. She... We get a little taste of it, though. Interesting.

You know what? One day, what happened? There was a lady over the phone. And she made hire. She was my client. I give her a low rate and everything. And we had full sex. And then I invite her in my office and she came to my office.

And we have a great time, you know? At your office. So if something can happen between us as well, like we can start over. We can start over. So if you just let me have the penis get erected. So if you can do something, I can start to masturbate. I can let the finger in on you. I can be a good lecker.

I'm telling you, I'm a good lecker. This guy's unreal, right? His penis could get erected like he may. He talks like he may. I like to make a penis erect. I like erected. I'm a good lecker. A lecker and I make erects for you.

Wow, what a tempting offer. Thank you, sir. Yeah. Thank you, sir. That's really neat that she just calls. I can lift her. Yeah. You would be amazed when you see how I look.

Wow. Here's my question for you then. If you open your leg, I can go flex your pussy. Oh, hey. Wow. It kind of reminds me of this guy a little bit. Hello, motherfucker. You fucking son of a gun?

Fuck your mom, fuck your wife. You fucking stinky asshole. It's a little similar. They're both customer service. So I get transferred over for a live representative to ask again to get removed from the calling list. So are you just doing? In Howard University, there's a research like for the faithful couple,

like the reasons for unfaithful moments, their husband don't do sex for a long time. Like how many times do you guys have sex in a week? Three times, four times, or more than 10 times in a week? How many times do you guys have sex in a week? Do you think he's just a psychopath though? Yeah. Can you tell me?

I'm just trying to get my number removed from the calling list for hard-holder services. I'm doing it. Nobody will call you. Nobody will call you. That's for sure. I'm just asking you. I'm just asking you.

So could you tell me like how many times? No. I won't discuss that with you. I'm sorry? Why do you think it's okay for you to have this conversation from your place of business? You know what? There is no answer for why.

Okay, so. No, there isn't. One day your husband was a stranger guy. How are you? How are you guys linked together? So everybody is stranger. We can get to know each other, right? No, we can't.

At all. I could not be less interested. Can I touch your breast? Can I talk to your manager? I am the manager. Yeah. Good. I want to talk to whoever is above you.

He's only my boss and he's a very rich guy. He don't fit into office all the time. He let me do whatever I wanted to do. It's so great. It's one of the craziest things I've ever heard. Yeah, that's because you're not a lady. I feel like we get these a lot. Really?

It's not uncommon perverts. It's just part of your life. You run into that on the phone? No, the card member services personally. Not with card members. Not yet, but I went swimming and some guy was flirting with me. That's why I'm flirting with you. I saw a lady today getting coffee and she was pregnant and I was like,

I wonder if this poor lady gets it all day too like you do. Yeah, look, it's a constant harassment. She's handling it way better than I would. She's flabbergat. You should see her face. She's blown away. We'll post this too. Okay.

Yeah. That's so crazy, dude. The entitlement of that guy, there's no way his boss lets him do that. Yeah, this one, I actually, it's not really funny. It's just sad, you know. Yeah, it bumps me out. The other guy had people around him and he was still doing that shit. He had a lot of people around him.

Your son of a gun? He was like, son of a gun? You fucking stinky asshole. You could tell he wasn't trying to let people know. Right. This guy, I really think, I really think does dead to do whatever he wants. I think he has an office, because most of the time when you work in that kind of service and, you know, customer service, you're with other people.

Yeah. I just Steven Seigeld. Yeah, you did. You just Steven Seigeld. Whoa. Ready for takeoff. I just emailed you that. That was the takeoff.

Sorry. I got to go feed our dogs. All right, dog. Let's get out. I love you. I got a knife to bits. He's neck. I know.

We got to go. We got to go. I love you. And thanks for listening to our show, guys. Amazing. Please, if there's a sincere farder in Philly, they can help our friend reach out to him. And we will see you in a week. I will see a lot of you before then in Oklahoma City, Houston, Dallas, Austin, and San Antonio.

October 29th. Brea improv. Come see me. Please. Brea mom. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. So I'm backstage here with the very fabulous Chewy Bravo.

Chewy Bravo. Chewy Bravo. Chewy Bravo. Chewy Bravo. Chewy Bravo. Woohoo. I got a lot of pinch-st. Chewy Bravo.

Chewy Bravo. Chewy Bravo. Chewy Bravo. Chewy Bravo. Oh yeah, yeah. Oh my God.