Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 317 - Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 11, 2015

Christina guesses Tom's brown! And a surprise game! Dunkin' Doughnuts vs Krispy Kreme. What side are the mommies on? Rachel Dolezal and Tamar Braxton. Tina has new voicemails and texts on her phone. The joys of a new phone number. If you borrow $20 from Linda, you'd better pay her back ASAP! Is Shaq hanging with Chuck Woolery? The most annoying girl in social media and more! Enjoy mommies. 

Do you know what this is? This is my final road week of the year. Oh, I can't wait for you to be home with me. Right now I'm in New York City. I'm doing some local spots in the city. I wish I knew more in advance, but I know I'm doing a few, I think, comedy living rooms, doing one night. For my big show, of course, I've been plugging it a lot, and thank you to everyone that already

got tickets. It's done pretty well, but I really wanted to be a sold out show that would be the most fun. It's this Friday the 13th at the Skirball Center in New York, New York City, and Jew Pork City. That's the NYU Skirball Center, 10 p.m. show, one big room, one big show. And then tomorrow, the John Lyman Center for the Performing Arts in New Haven, Comneticont. It is Saturday, November 14th, and then I fly home, Jeans.

I fly home, and I'm with her wearing jeans until Baby Jeans gets here. Thank God. I need you here. I'm too enormous to do anything without you. I know. I can't even get up off the couch without your help. You guys know it's official. Reach into your jeans, bring a friend.

I'm talking all in New York. Brooklyn Bronx, Staten Island Queens, Long Island, I bet that I say that, New Jersey, please come out. Come out to the shows, Comneticont and New York. Those are my last two of the year before New Jersey, of course. Before Brea for New Year's Eve, and then in January, I'm doing Flappers and Burbank for a weekend, and Comedy Works downtown Denver. That load up?

Yeah. I want you to sign in with your Apple ID. Do you want to give that out over the year? Yeah. Is that it for your dates? Are you done? Yeah, that's it. Guys, I will not be performing here because I am an enormous human being with another

human being inside of me. But listen to that steep row. I still will be doing my podcast, obviously. Every week that's deepbrowpodcast.com. Guys, I know you shop on Amazon because you're an intelligent person, and because you know the holidays are just around the corner. They're coming up quick, and I think the best thing you can do, the smartest thing you can do is shop on Amazon.com.

Use our banner on your mom's housepodcast.com when you do your shopping, and it kicks back a little bit of change. So please hook us up this holiday season with our baby jeans coming. Believe me, we could use the cash. Please. Baby jeans. Oh, and if you're traveling, do not travel with gifts. Don't be that person that stuffs their luggage full of shit, and hey, if you're thinking

you can carry on some gifts, you better get your life because TSA, if you wrap a gift, you know they unwrap it, right? Yeah, that's pretty lame. Those cock-sucking pieces of shit. Those POS's. Wow. That's your phrase. Those POS's will unwrap your Christmas gifts and ruin Christmas, so use Amazon and ship

the gift direct instead, and bypass the A-holes at TSA. Hey, that's your thing, man. It is my thing. Hey, hey, I invented it, POS guys, POS. I think we discussed before, you coined that in 88? I did, I trademarked it and everything. I trademarked the saying POS back in 1988, I was in junior high school, because I knew it would catch like wildfire and it did, and it was one of the best investments I've ever

made. I'm a millionaire because of it. Wow. Yeah. That's really neat. Thanks. Oh, it says that here, will you put this in here? Jeans, will you do that?

Oh my God, what is happening? What's going on? We are, we're in the midst of having air conditioning wars with our neighbors. We are, we're trying to back up this computer here. Mother. We've got these external hard drives that like, I thought it would just automatically back up and then. Life is hard for us.

So in the meantime, why don't I go ahead and do our ads? Hold on a second, I just got a message I have to respond to. Should we press pause? Yeah, I guess so. It's probably a good idea. All right. We're back. We did our thing, we did our ads, shit, I feel like we got a show to do.

Let's do it. Did you decide which you liked the most for the opening clip? I didn't decide. I think nature decided for us. Are you going to play it? I'm looking for it. Come on, man. Oh, POSes.

POS. It's like you can only play this clip or normal things and then you hear this and you're like, that's obviously you really feel like that's the one to go with. And yeah, it fits with our show. Man, that's okay. Here we go. Here we go. Hope you like it.

Oh, now I'm in your ass. Yeah, I'm fucking you. Oh, I'm going to sweat. I'm going to come. I'm going to get on your bum, on your face, you girl, you better know I'm going to rock your world. Whoa. You're such a nasty boy.

I love it. This is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. No mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Welcome to your mom's house.

Yeah. Was there any other opening clip with that one? I mean, I was debating stuff, but you know, I do feel like that is the one to go with, right? Yeah, the singing. It talks to your heart, doesn't it? Yeah, this is real. This guy's really doing what he's singing about.

What do you do? You like it? I love it. How would you have reacted to that? Let's say these clips always make me sad. You know that they all make you sad. Yeah, I don't. I don't find them as funny as you do.

I wasn't even laughing through that. Oh, really? No. Okay. I thought you were hinting to do that. Yeah. No, I thought this is the appropriate one because I know what amuses you at your core. But for me, it's more, I don't...

Look, you just... I'm not judging, and I'm just saying that I prefer kaka to sex, you know? Yeah. Like, if it was a shit person shitting, I would laugh a lot harder. Babe, really? So you were grossed out by that or just saddened by it? I just get sad because I imagine being the woman who's having to have sex with this idiot who thinks he's really cool.

Like, as I play that clip, basically internally, you're kind of like... Mom! Mom! Mom! Why did you do that to me? Like that? That guy is awesome. Mom!

Mom! Why? Is that what you felt like, though? Yeah, I was like, Mom. Oh, God. Because I'm sort of the mom in that, you know, I have the board, so... Yeah. I didn't know that that just made you sad.

They all do. Jesus. The only... This is kind of a revelation, don't you think? Yeah, it makes me sad. Now I'm in your ass, yeah, I'm fucking here, oh, I'm gonna sweat, I'm gonna come, I'm gonna get on your bum, on your face, you girl. I mean, that is a fucking obnoxious guy.

You know what I'm saying? I just... Yeah. I picture being the woman in that scene and just fucking wanting to punch that guy in his dumb face. Yeah. I'm like, you fucking idiot, just stop. Do you feel like the lady who had to have sex with this man on camera?

I feel like she played it well, she's like, that's so cool. They all do. They all have to be like, oh my God, I love it when you fart in my face. I want all the cum in my ears and no woman on this planet is encouraging that. But this is particularly like, not only does she have to have sex with this man, this grotesque man, but then as he starts singing about pounding her ass, she has to listen to him, he was doing hair metal loud and she had to go like, awesome. Yeah, I think you hit the nail on the head, Jeans.

I think it's kind of like you're already a fucking barista at Starbucks and that's hard enough to deal with the public, but then today's the day you have diarrhea. Yeah. And there's only one fucking bathroom for the entire place. And one of the customers is fucking your ass and singing about it. Yeah. Like, come on, bro. Yeah.

You really... God. And I have to go home and tell my friends I did this scene with this fucking idiot singing. This idiot sang as he put it in my ass. And I had to tell him, wow, you're so sexy. Scoop and score. You better know I'm gonna rock your world. Oh boy.

You're such a nasty boy. I love it. It's always I love it. Loves it. Do you think there's ever a porno clip where she's like, could you stop? I don't love it. I don't love what you're doing right now. Yeah, I think we have one of those.

Thank God. Does a woman ever get a say in heterosexual porn as to what happens to her apparently? That one is like... What is the one I'm thinking of? You know what I'm talking about. We have it. It's quit debating. Quit debating.

But she's even really nice about it. Oh, she's just like... Do you want production? Just put it in there. Let's quit debating. There you go, girl. Stand up for yourself. She's like, knock off the theatrics.

Yeah, like, come on, bro. I think the thing with me is like, I don't know if we've discussed this before on the show or not, but the fetish community, their porno seems way more respectful of the people involved making it than just plain old vanilla hetero porn. Like, the women are just com receptacles in straight porn. They have no fucking say, it feels like. Yeah, yeah. It's really irritating.

Here's a fetish clip. Fuck my stoma. Remember that one? Yep. That scene was really cool. Oh, you're such a naughty boy. Put it in my stoma. And then here's back to straight porn.

I fucked a girl with no arms and one leg. Yeah, there you go. I fucked that girl with a chang-a-chong-a-pang-a-pong. Hey, but Jesus. What? That's how he talks. He meant how he says he talks. A chang-a-chang-a-chang-a-chang-pong.

Wow, you're really writing that, huh? Still? That's your Yoshi impression? What do you call the woman next door? Who? Oh, dumb young suck. That makes me laugh so much whenever you call her. Is that her name?

Dumb young suck. Is it young dumb suck or dumb young suck? Dumb young suck. Yeah. That makes me laugh every time. Why did you get me fucking watching that commercial? The final countdown. The Geico commercial.

They are really turning it on now. It's been in my head for three days now. I think I've always laughed so hard at just reactions and kind of more subtle ones, and that commercial kills it with that. That's the Geico commercial where... What is it? What's the band?

I don't know because I don't know that music very well. They say it. If you're the band, whatever. I don't know what they are. But that guy microwaving, because he looks around. The way that he looks around is so funny to me. And then that lady who gets...

She's kind of curious about it, and then she does a little kind of hip... Sass dance. Yeah, a little sass dance. See, I like it for a different reason. I like the band singing and the stupid. Yeah, they get into it. They're funny too.

And then I like the countdown on the microwave because everybody's been there where you're like, come on, fucking faster. I gotta eat this now. I can't wait 10 seconds. That's a great commercial. I can still... It's been played a lot now.

I can still get enjoyment out of the first guy, the guy microwaving, and the last lady. I still enjoy them. I have that running through my head in the middle of the night. I'll wake up to pee and I'll sing it to myself. The final countdown. You really like it.

Well, it's just there. Yeah. Time for a live report from the Mommy Dome. This is not as you may be confused by this music, a dental update. This is different than a dental update. Would you say this is a brown update? This is a late-breaking...

I guess my brown update. Tell them what we're doing, Jean. Live from your mom's house studios, Los Angeles, California. So what happened was we just came from eating a late lunch, and Tom decided to cut a fucking horrendous fart in the restaurant. Yeah. It was loud. What's going on?

I don't know. People are walking by. Oh, I hate when they hear this. Someone's using the shutter. So you cut a fucking blaster. It was so loud. Yeah. And then, which is fine.

That's not unusual. The smell hit me, and it was like, bam, just so powerful. And then we were in the car, and you kept hitting me. For some reason, you only would fart at the stoplight, so then it would just drop more thunder in the car. And it was like, you fucking asshole.

So by the time we got to the office, you were like, can you hurry up? I have to shit, because I had the keys. And I was like, I'm going as fast as I can. I can't walk any faster. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, I have an emergency. It's all this mess.

It's okay. It's all this mess. So I wanted to... I thought, what a neat opportunity to guest your brown live-in studio based on what you've eaten in the last 24 hours. So walk me through... Because you also, by the way, had this idea in the moment as I walked back in.

You go, how was it? And you go, don't tell me. I've never seen you stops. You were overcome with your idea. Well, because we always talk about how stupid it is when the news goes live to anything. Live? Yeah, it's so dumb.

Maybe for once we're going to do your mom's house thing live. You know? Yeah. Now, do you want to guess? Yeah. Or do you want to just... Okay. Well, I need...

First of all, give me the rundown of the day. Let's talk about... Food today? The last 24 hours. The last 24 hours. Well, let's start with dinner. Because I'm just having a theory here that it's starting with dinner. Okay.

So for dinner, I, as you, had your world-famous chicken pappadakash. Yes. I think I... How big of a serving are we to just get a big bowl? I mean, yeah, it was pretty... It was decent size. Yeah, it was pretty good. Yeah.

Okay. And did you have a second dinner? Yeah. What did you have? I had a turkey sandy. Okay. Okay. I'm writing this down so that I get everything.

I probably had a couple cookies, too. A couple of, like, rugolas or wedding cookies? Wedding cookie, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Anything to drink with that or...? No, last night I pretty much stuck to water. Okay.

Yeah. You woke up this morning and we had... Oatmeal. Oatmeal. Oh, okay. Is that the one with the flax in it or just...? It has some cinnamon in it. Okay.

Yeah. Coffee? Yep. And then... I know you had some hard-boiled eggs, too. Yeah, with the wheat toast and it had some of that... Yeah. Yeah.

Spread on there. Okay. So I took that to... To your meeting. To my meeting. Same day. Had another coffee. Okay.

Had another coffee. All right. Came back. Mm-hmm. And... Yeah, then I picked you up and we... I didn't have any... No, then you ate my leftovers of chicken fibercash.

No, that I had two bites. A couple bites. There was no chicken. Okay. And then we went to the doctor and then we went to lunch. Yeah, now that's where things got interesting. Let's talk about it. Go ahead.

I had a... But your farts were coming before the meal. So... No, they really picked up after the meal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they were... I feel like they were there before the food came. Well, I mean, there could have been something there, but...

And then obviously whatever you just ate doesn't come out that quickly. Right. But I'm just... Except in your case. No, I mean, still, I can't... It can't come out that fast. Okay. So what did you eat?

You had a turkey burger? Sure. Mixed greens. Okay. Okay. Okay. That's the... Okay.

And then... Well, we kind of were bad girls. We had a sweet treat after that. After that or during that? Because I... Kind of at the same time. Simultaneously. Well, I finished mine first.

Right? Because you swapped. You decided to swap. Sure. Well, I ordered a veggie quesadilla and we also ordered a side of chocolate pancakes for lunch. And I decided... Totally.

We're pregnant. You were pregnant. No. Throw caution to the wind. Yeah. I got to feed our child. I wanted the pancakes instead, so I boxed up the veggie quesadilla to go. Yeah.

No. Now, what's interesting here, I'm going to go with... My gut. Mm-hmm. Mixed greens with you is dynamite in your guts. Don't forget, there's something after all of this. What? Oh, coffee.

But you've had like three sides. No, I haven't. You've had two coffees. You've had some eggs today. Mm-hmm. You should already this morning. You know, I can't remember. I think I did.

I must have. I got up early. I must have. Yeah, I did. I did. Okay. I did. You did, because it smelled bad when I went to bed.

That's right. And I was... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, because I got in the shower as you came in, remember? Yeah, it smelled really bad in there. Okay, yeah. So, okay, here's what I'm going to go with.

Based on the chicken paprika, it works through slowly. Mm-hmm. The mixed greens, horrific, a catastrophe. Mm-hmm. I'm going to go... Your level of urgency wasn't enough to warrant a six. Right. I'm going to go with a five plus, like a 5.3 or something like that.

Live from your mom's house studios in Los Angeles, California, it's time for the answer to guess my crown. Just to be clear, if you're a new listener, this is based on the Bristol stool chart, which is ranking the poo from one to seven. Mm-hmm. Seven being essentially just liquid out of your asshole. Yeah, it is all liquid in seven. And one is just rocks.

Rocks. Yeah. You don't want to have that. You don't want to either end of it. I promise you that. So, hold on, hold on. I'm sorry. No, I take it back.

What do you mean you take it back? Soft blobs. Here's number five. Actually, you know what? I take it back. You take it back twice? I'm going to go between a four and a five. Like a sausage or snakes, moon and softs, mixed with soft blobs with clear cut edges passed

easily. I'm going to say it was more on the firm side, but still soft, like soft serve. I got to tell you. Like frozen yogurt. I got to tell you something. You fucking nailed it. Well, I can tell you exactly what causes that counterfeit. You nailed it.

Are you being honest? I swear to you. Really? Yeah, it's like a four and a half. And lots of it. And it also didn't smell good at all. Oh, all right. Butthole.

Butthole. Butthole. Butthole. Why do my ice cubes smell like a butthole? The smell. The smell. The smell. It was like, like really powerful.

Butthole. Butthole. Butthole. 90% of the time it's something that's actually kept in the freezer. It's gone bad. Butthole. Butthole. Butthole.

Butthole. But we don't eat anything that smells like buttholes. And there it is, the Butthole song, the famous Butthole song, which we stopped, well, I stopped it immediately after it played because you got up in the middle of the song playing and you went to the bathroom and now it's time for me to guess that brown. It's amazing.

It's never happened. It's never happened. I cannot believe this. In the history of your mom's house, this has never happened. Never. I'm going to tell you exactly what causes that counterfeit. Okay. So...

Let me give you a rundown. Yeah, what's your intake? Last night for dinner, chicken puppet cash. Of course, an hour later, I'm hungry. So I have some broccoli, some cauliflower, some carrots, and some ranch dressing as a snack. And then before bed, I drink a protein shake. And then the middle of the night, I wake up

and I drink some kefir, that yogurt. You did in the middle of the night? Always. Now, here's the clincher in the morning. I had some rips cereal. You know that new cereal we got from Whole Farts? It's called like rips. Rips big bowl.

Rip ass like you mean it. Yeah. Rips. So I had a bowl of rips and then I had a hard boiled egg with some pita and spread. And then I went to lunch. Oh no, and then I had chicken puppet cash. And then we went to lunch and then I had chocolate pancakes.

That's what I'm looking at. Man, and you ripped a couple of rips. Always. I know, but you ripped one in the car that was bad too. I'm going to go ahead and give you a four plus. I think you're in the fourth. I think you ripped a four right now. I think you're 100% accurate.

That's a great guess. It was a smooth glider, a little hot, but not, not like discomfort. So it was a four. It was a perfect four. Hi from your mom's house studios, Los Angeles, California. This has been a late breaking guess my brown update. What's fun is that the listeners can play along at home.

Of course they can. That's the best part of the game. Hey, I meant to ask you because I saw your Starbucks cup. They wrote down splash of soy milk. How's that going with your order? It's a roll of the dice every time. Yeah.

Yeah. The move is still I've discovered to not ask for any and then ask for it after. And then you go, can I do it? And then you do it. But it's just an extra step, you know. So you asked for the milk on the side. Yeah.

You basically, yeah. I mean, the other way to do it, which I don't know, I mean, the other way to do it, which I've done also is to really emphasize how little you want. Like you overly emphasize it. They're like, okay. Then they do a proper just a little, you just want a little bit of milk, right?

Yeah. Otherwise they go, they dump it over and you go, dude, that's way too much milk. No. I just want a little bit just to cut the bitterness of the coffee. Yeah. Because you do ice coffee now or it's espresso?

No, I do ice coffees. Okay. I like ice. It's changed though. I mean, winter is almost here. Yeah. I mean, Southern California, that's, you know, not really a thing, but still, I like drinking the warm drinks when it's

cooler. What will you switch to when it gets warm out? I mean, cold? I'm going to have to stick, I'm going to stick to coffees. Straight. Yeah. Just straight. Yeah.

Straight, I think. You're not into the PSLs or the flavorings? The Lotties have too much milk. Yeah. You can do a cap, right? Yeah. Cappuccinos, a little bit of milk and then foam. Right.

That's easier on the stomach. Latte's too much milk. Yeah. It's so gross. It's so much milk. I drank it for a while too. Yeah. So did I.

Especially in the normal milk. Ew, whole milk. Ew. Yeah. Fucking gross. It's just drinking warm milk. I feel like I'm going to throw up talking about it. Yeah.

It's pretty gnarly. Yeah. And that Dunkin Donuts, I know everybody on the East Coast loves it. I don't. I don't. Do you know there, it's not even an option for me to get a nice coffee? Oh, really?

Because if you tell them, hey, I just want, if you make a big deal and go, just I want a tiny bit of milk, they have like this milk dispenser. They don't like pour. They like hit a button, like your sparklets water thing. They hit one of those for milk. So you go, even when you want a little bit, they hold it and I've seen just, they just, they give you mostly milk. It's disgusting.

Yeah. It's a Donuts, a Dunkin Donuts. My favorite donut is the one where they roll the donut and all the other donut crumbs. Jesus. What's that one called? Gross. Let's go get one after here. It's not the everything bagel.

It's like the around the world donut, you know what I mean? Don't know it. Crumb. Don't know it. I didn't know you were such a fan. Now, do you get into that debate? I've heard people have the debate before. A lot of our East Coast buddies that come out here are die hard, you know?

Sure. They're particularly like that Massachusetts area. They love their fucking Dunkin Donuts and I've had a couple of guys, friends of mine move out here and they'll be like, I don't know why anyone talks about Krispy Kreme like Dunkin Donuts. Get your life. I tell them to get their life for sure. No.

No. Bros. Krispy Kreme is amazing. I haven't had it in a long, long time because it's so bad for you. Yeah. You better get your life. You know what's so funny, dude? On Tamar's Instagram feed, they had that woman on there who was white but who was pretending

to be black. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was funny. That was funny. Well, do you remember her name? Anyway, she was like an NAACP leader, wasn't she, or something? Yes.

That was, God, I can't remember her name, but I know who you're talking about. But she actually did good things for the community. But she was like, yeah, I identify as black. She does. Like, okay, she wants to be black. That's fine. She was on The Real, apparently. She went on?

Yeah. And she was like, you know, when you fill out those forms, it's like they force you to identify. Are you this? Are you that? And Tamar's like, well, which one are you? You better get your life. You get your entire life.

Like, she just talked shit to her. And what'd she say? She goes, you better get your entire life. I don't know because it was like a vine. So fucking great. Oh my God. I want to see that now. Yeah.

Tamar's Instagram feed today. That is hilarious. Yeah. You better get your entire life. She gave her such a stank eye to like, come on, bitch, really, which I get, I get both sides of it. Like, look, this woman identifies as black. She wants to be black.

I think I found it. You did? I think so. This is it. I don't know. You better get your check. I think when it comes to filling out forms, right, that the form in particular usually defines things.

And, you know, I've been a professor of African history, black studies. Yeah, but what's wrong with your check notes? So it's like, when it came to, you know, I checked. What would you have checked? I think when it, when it comes to, it doesn't give her the, oh, okay. Well, if you check though, but it says hashtag get your entire life. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, sorry. So maybe I didn't hear Tamar. She just wrote it. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. Okay. And Mike is in my head.

I hear her saying that shit to that woman. She goes, so which one you checked though? She didn't like that at all. Dude. I was so funny. Well, that lady's out of her mind though. That's out. She's out of her mind.

You know, she feels like she's black. What is her name? I don't know. What can you do? She feels like that. You know, Rachel Dolezal. Yeah. That's who it is.

Yeah. Rachel Dolezal. Let her be black. She identifies that way. What can I do? It's nobody's fucking business. You know what I'm saying? She's got problems though.

I'm like, no. You know. No. Okay. No privacy here. Oh, it says that that lady Dolezal admits she was born white. Oh, shit. Yeah.

Oh, really? She looks like she couldn't be mixed. For sure. Yeah. Well, she's toning it down. She was, she was blacking it up more before, but like right now she looks more like ever since she got called out, she's toned it down. Damn it.

You better get your entire life. I love this. Tamar wrote that. Get your entire life. That is hilarious. That is so fucking funny. Which one did you check though? Well, which one you checked though?

And she gave her like that. Yeah. What is it? I don't know what that would be called. Yeah. It's the, it's the Tamar. It's the Tamar face. Yeah.

She really didn't like that lady until she fucking wanted to show her. But that lady thinks that like she can claim something because she knows a lot about it. Like she really is like, well, I'm an expert in that field. She kind of is though. But that doesn't mean that you're that. You're, you're, you're missing my point. No, I understand. I understand both sides of the, of the argument.

I understand being upset with someone for it and I understand her wanting to do that. It's like, well. It makes it hard for people to understand where you're coming from. Right. And that's why I said, I acknowledge I'm as biologically born white to white parents. Yeah. She, she feels a closer connection to that. That's a mental illness though.

She's mentally ill. She's mentally ill. Who knows? Even if you understand the logic of it when she goes, I think, but you're not. You can say you identify all you want. You're not. I know. She's not.

She's biologically. It's no different than like Steven Seagal saying that he identifies as Japanese. You're not. It doesn't matter if you know all the customs. If you speak Japanese, if you know kung fu, Akido, Karate and all the other martial art, you're not. You can say like, I mean, I get it. You know everything about it, but you're not that.

But he feels in his heart that he is Japanese maybe. That's fine. She feels in her heart. She's a black lady. But she's not. Let her be blind. The black people are standing up there. It's a video that they, you know, they did a little excerpt from.

That's why there's music behind it. Yeah. And especially being black in America is so fucking heavy and charged. If there were, what would you have checked? I think when it comes to filling out forms, right? That the form in particular usually defines things. And I've been a professor of African history, black studies. So it's like when it came, you know, I checked white and black because we all have human

origins in the continent of Africa. She's right about that. She's not black. God, are you just being devil's advocate here? Yeah, a little bit. Because I, I can't, I mean, look, she wants to be black, but she will never be black. I know, but you know, she, she wants to be, she wants to identify. What?

Well, who am I to fucking? I don't know. You know, you don't know. No, I don't know. How do you not know? She wants to be part of the community. She wants to be black. Let her be black.

Why? You can't, you don't get to, to just pick what you are. That's not how it works. Yeah. I don't feel bad for her though. I don't know. Who am I to judge her? I don't fucking know.

What? Maybe she hates white people. Maybe she hates her white parents. No, dude, you don't get to do that, man. You don't, you don't get to like, to identify as something that, that you're not just because you, you feel that way. It doesn't, it doesn't work like that. You are or you're not.

Yeah, but okay. Then what about all these transgendered people? You see the same argument. Yeah, but we, you know, we all know the truth there. What? You got a twig and berries between your legs. You're a boy. No.

Of course you are. Yeah, but they identify as the opposite. There's, you know, that's who they, they want to be, then let them be. Right? Well, like you can say you are. You can say it all she wants. Of course. Yeah.

Of course. Doesn't make it true. It doesn't, and it doesn't mean that the, that community is going to accept you. That's the other thing. Well, that clearly is not happening. Yeah. Because what they're, because like I said it before, if you're black and you've gone through, you know, all the, the difficulties that this society brings to the table to a

black person. Yeah. And the, like the struggle of being black in this world and in this country in particular, you know, you, that's part of the black experience. She's never had to. Of course. Which is why Tamar is, is obviously upset because it's like, you can't just join our club bitch. No.

But I get, I get both sides of it. Believe me. I get both sides. Yeah. Well, I mean, I don't. Well, well, you're not a strong black woman like I am. Yeah. I, I, I lady bothers me, man.

I know jeans. Well, it's just, it's, it's, it's ridiculous. She can't, you know, she doesn't get to just. All of a sudden wake up one day and go like, yeah, but I know everything about it. I've taught classes. So I'm black. That's not how that works. Nothing we can do.

Ain't nothing we can do. You know what I'm saying? No, I know. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I know. Um, yeah, she's an asshole. Uh, that is funny to me though that Tamar got in her face. You better get your entire life.

Tamar's right, man. I never thought I'd say this, but Tamar's right. Tamar's making sense. Yeah. Tamar's totally right. That lady's an asshole. She won and she basically, you know what she's looking? She's looking for, um, like black acceptance for being black.

She wants black people to be like, you're right. You are one of us. You get the, the ultimate cool black points from us because you're so, you, you really get it. But I mean, can you understand? Like we all want black people to approve of us. We all want black approval. Everybody wants a black person to think they're cool and funny and awesome.

But you also know when to stop fucking, you know, you know, to get seconds at a good meal, but you don't go back for fourth and fifth. Right. She, you get your chocolate pancakes with your turkey burger, but then you stop, but you don't go and be like, Hey, can I get a muffin to go? You know, I saw those. I saw them right through the glass. I knew they were there.

They're fresh baked. Sure. I mean, we already overdid it. Sure. So, you know, you can learn a fun handshake with a black person, but to say, Hey, I, I get the struggle. No, you don't know. No.

Well, no, that is, that is obviously why Tamar would be upset. Every black person should be up and on. She's not with the cause. Of course. I know. I know. And honestly, as a woman too, like with the whole Caitlyn Jenner thing, by the way, do we mention that our clip went viral with Joe Rogan on that?

Oh, no, we didn't. We haven't talked about that. So Tom and I did the Jerry. What was it like a couple of three months ago? It was a few months ago. Yeah. We talked about Caitlyn Jenner and just, it's a long discussion and ended up going viral because it was put on red.

It ended up on world star hip hop. Yeah. It ended up everywhere. Yeah. It's pretty funny. Um, but I kind of get it from that perspective of like, well, wait a minute, bro. Like you've been a dude your whole life and now you're going to switch teams. First of all, late as fuck in the game.

Like you're, how old is this Caitlyn 67? In her sixties. Yeah. Like, bitch, you can't join my club after menopause. Fuck yourself. Yeah. You should suffer like the rest of us. And like, she doesn't understand what it really means to be a woman.

Cause you know, women are lower on the totem pole than the white man. Uh, you're lucky Tom, you're at the top of the food chain. It's awesome up here. And the rest of us are fucking under it. So, you know, but on the other hand, he wants to be a she left. Who the fuck am I to judge? Go ahead. Who makes you happy?

Who cares? I just, to me, it's, you know, I think it's great to that this lady. Uh, Rachel, that she loves black culture, that she really has, I mean, like, I mean, immersed herself in that world and, and, and in the history of it, she can probably teach a lot of people a lot about not just in the broad sense, uh, you know, oh, we're all, I'm sure she knows. Right. She knows more than we do.

Obviously. 100%. But that I'm saying the logic of, of loving a certain culture and knowing a lot about it, that does not equate with that's who I am now. That's not how that works. I guess you and I will never understand totally understand what fully wanting to identify as something. Oh, I understand wanting to.

I'm saying that, that just because you want to are doing it, I'm saying, like going that far. Well, yeah. I mean, I guess we'll never do that. But I'm saying, I understand the desire and I understand, I think she has good intentions. I'm just saying that I'm not giving her that. I think that is way too much to ask and that that's absurd, but at least this Rachel is out her name.

Yes. Like I feel like she's really, she gives a fuck about the black community. She's an active, she's trying to, I know, but with Caitlin, it's kind of like, okay, do you think that nails and makeup and hair, that's all it is to being a lady? Like now I'm dressing like, I just don't, I feel like it's, that's also kind of a short sided thing. I'm just like, well, got my lady off and on. Now I'm a woman.

Like now there's more to being a woman than just nails and hair and titties. With her, it seems like that's the only thing that she was like, nah, nah, I get to wear dresses. Right. Which I'm sure is fun. Obviously it's, but it's like, is that all there is to being a woman is just that bit. I hate doing it inside and no one gets to see you and, you know, it's totally a different experience.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, live and let live, ain't shit you can do about it. Here's a clip of Rachel Dollazole on the Today Show. Mom, this thing, man, oh, I'm feel comfortable here. Did you get what I'm saying? You got eight hangers, okay? You know what I'm saying?

There's one shower, there's two bathrooms with a curtain, no mirrors, and man, it's just, you know what I'm saying, it's no privacy. You hear me? No privacy. Yeah. No privacy. I hear 100%. You know what I'm saying?

There she is, the great Rachel Dollazole. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck the fuck off and get your entire life. Get your entire life. You can get it. It's like your phone for a moment. Yeah, it's pretty crazy.

So it's really been, you know, it's been a roller coaster. We've played voicemails. Ever since Christina got a new number, we've had interesting voicemails, people looking for a guy, family, a psychiatrist, people wondering, where are you? Just please come back. Then it's switched up, it was a text message that you even posted on Instagram. Yeah. Let me just, right now, today, this person who previously on the phone got a text message

from a bookie, apparently, like, hey, do you want to place bets on this game coming up? So what's the Chad one? No, this one's special. Hold on. Hold on, guys. Let me, let me scroll and, okay. So it starts off, greetings, smiley face.

This is Nate. How are you today? How are you feeling? Hope you are better. And at which point I was like, who the fuck is this? And I showed you the phone. Yeah. I took a nap and I woke up and it said, I think I can make you feel better with a massage

at LMK if I can help. I'm free tonight, exclamation mark. Let me know if I can help. Yeah. Yeah. So I could have hooked up with Nate. Was it Nate? Oh, I thought it was Chad.

Okay. Nate, yeah. Nice. You didn't write back? I didn't know. No. He's probably wondering. It's a nice move, right?

It's how are you doing? And then I think I can make you feel better. I guess that's, I forwarded it to a younger single friend of mine. And then are the top two? The top two are the other ones. And my friend was like, oh yeah, that's a total tender like fishing hookup. Yeah. So I've had people who are mentally ill who've had this phone that their shrinks were looking

for them, their families were looking for them. What's going on lately? What's going on? So then I received two voicemails and I don't, I can't even really place the language. They're just going to give you a hard time. Wow. And that goes in and out of English as something else. English.

Yeah. Here it is again. They're just going to give you a hard time. They're going to give you a hard time. What is that? Push. Which Rachel Dolezal was here to decipher this one. Yeah.

What? I'm thinking... What's here message too? Yeah. They left too much. Same language, different person. Yeah. You know, otherwise, if I knew, that's not going to make, that's not going to happen.

I'm going to go see the planet. Can you call me, please, and let me know? There's got some, that's a lazy flow. It sounds like whoever's speaking barely opens their mouth. Which one of you mucklucks that listens to this show knows what's going on there? Yeah. Do you know? First of all, identify this language.

I'm thinking like Pakistan-y or like Urdu. Is that what that language is called? In Pakistan. Yeah. Urdu or Pashtun or I don't fucking, I don't even know what that is. Yeah. Well, something else. Not from here.

I'll tell you that. No ribs on that fucking shit right there. Don't take the job, apparently. Yeah. Something about that job. It sounded like a real mumblemouth, though. Yeah. It was like clear to start and then it was like, well, it does let me know.

And then there's this other voice, you know, this one. Yeah. Hello. This is Karen. She can ignore me and hide from me for her 20 lousy dollars that she owes me from like over well over three months ago. She won $600 at the pokey at the Stokes Valley Bar and she said to Jade and Dion, don't tell Karen you've seen me because I owe her 20 bucks.

I'll tell you what, I'll get my 20 bucks or she's going to get 20 fucking wacks, 20 fucking wacks. Not my fault. She's a mental crazy lady that wanted to go off with a fucking lesbian that's now with a man. Not my fault. Your daughter's all fucked up. Okay.

Not my fucking fault. I want my fucking money. Whoa. Now that one, I really understood these jeans. What'd you do there? You know, I, I, I've borrowed $20 from Linda and she doesn't really, I've had a chance to get back to her. I haven't seen her around.

She's really upset. If you're a member, like, I'm probably like high school or college, I don't know, maybe in the work, you ever owe someone something like 10 or 20 bucks? And it always like, if someone lent you that money and you, you know, it's not that like, I feel like it's not that you wouldn't be able to get 20 bucks. It's like, whenever you saw that person, you wouldn't have 20 bucks on you. Of course. It was like someone lent you like, fuck, you see them again, like, oh man.

And then usually people were, in my experience, like we're waiting for you to bring it up. You know, that's the way that, to do it is like, they just kind of look at you like, you got my 20 bucks, you know, you go, um, man, about that 20. I feel so bad about borrowing shit. I know I return like immediately, just immediately, I can't handle the guilt of, of owing anybody anything. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Of course. Oh shit. It's too, um, it's too much. Like even if we borrow something from a neighbor, I have to return it like immediately. I don't like to borrow. No. I remember when I was in college, one of my last days, a guy asked me to borrow 20 bucks on my haul.

He goes, uh, I borrow 20 bucks and I'll mail it to you when I get back home. And I looked at this dude, like, do you really think I'm that, that kind of like sucker, you know? Cash. He tried to tell me that, or they're just at like, if you let me borrow it now, I'll send it to you. Like he was waiting to see who will give him 20 bucks. This guy was not, you know, we were, we were leaving.

He was like, there are 20 bucks and then I'll, and it wasn't a good friend of mine. It was like a guy I would see around the dorms and I was like, nah, dude, no, you can't. I don't have it on me. And he was like, all right, like, sure. But what? Yeah. That's great. Uh, my mother, of all the wacky things she taught me, one of the good ones was never

lend people money, never lend your friends money, never lend your money's a weird thing, man. Just don't do it. Just don't ever do it. And then you'll never have the problem of that person paying you back. And I always think about that, um, like with celebrities, you imagine how much they get hit up for my, by people that, you know, I've asked a few before that happens and they're like, yeah.

Oh, the minute you get famous, they all come out of the woodwork. All your shitty relatives, Oprah talks about that, how just every asshole she's related to. Well, I heard her one time say, like, you have to learn that, like, you don't have to do that. Like you have to learn to say no and that other people aren't entitled to your money. You know, but I think that's a hard thing for a lot of people, especially if they come from nothing and then all of a sudden you have money, you know, like if you just, I

don't know, get on a show, a TV show or athletes, you know, you, you, you're a college kid and the next, the next day you're drafted and you have an endorsement deal with like Nike or Adidas and you have, you know, a contract, you're a multi-millionaire now, you're 22. That's creating people who are like, cool. Can I borrow some money? Of course. And they never borrow money. They always just take my, they never pay it back.

Your family may not even trust them, you know what I'm saying? Like your family will come out and probably be like, can I have your money? Yeah. But you've heard of stories like that where the parents just, oh man, yeah, take their own kids money and just spend it all. Well, a lot of child stars. That's what happens. Right?

Or yeah, of course. Mom is the manager and then the money's gone. Or famously, of course, Dane Cook, his half brother, that's half his blood, I think milked them for $12 million. Crazy. Was it his business manager? He made his brother, his business manager. And you think that's the person you should trust, right?

Well, that's, that's, yeah, who better is what they always, you know, people go, I got my sibling in charge and that dude fucking robbed him. That's gotta be hard to make peace with, you know? Oh, I couldn't imagine. I mean, excuse me, just knowing how hard it is to make all that money. Oh my God. And then to have it stolen from you. And the, you know, how hard it is in comedy, the percentage of comics that will make, forget

more than that. Just the percentage of comics that'll make $12 million, period, talking like a fraction of a percentile, you know, of all the comedians. So few will make that kind of money. And he was at the, at the, excuse me, the height of his career, selling out Madison Square Garden. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty crazy.

It's like a comedian to go see, to have that taken from you. It's just like, it's horrible. I know. Well, apparently Jules mom was her manager that singer Jule. Oh, Julia. She mismanaged all of her money too. So she had to go on. Jesus.

Go, go on the road to her again. Like, come on, man. No, no, you know, I'm saying like, no, no, I'm good off this when I got someone at home that's willing to take care of me and wife me and you know what I'm saying, you're saying me, you know what I'm saying, if I had my own TV show, hell yeah, I probably love it. Yeah. Rachel. It's so weird.

I missed that season that Rachel. Oh, I love her irritations. Yeah. Got no privacy. Oh, man. Oh, God. Um, this came to our attention. Thank you moms for always keeping your eyes and ears open.

Oh, here it is. I'm looking for this. Um, here we go. It's a commercial that you know, it's impossible for a rich, thick lotion to be non greasy. It's thick lotion to be non greasy. Uh, oh, uh, oh, uh, oh, uh, oh, uh, oh, uh, oh, uh, oh, uh, oh, uh, oh, uh, oh, uh, oh, uh, oh, then greasy Shaquille O'Neal listens to your mom's house Shaquille then greasy. Oh, no different before a rich, thick lotion to be non greasy.

Wow. Lotion to be non greasy. Of course they have to have him bouncing a ball. Right. Then greasy. Every possible reason. Greasy. Who the fuck says greasy?

She's not greasy. Shaquille and Woolery man Shaquille and Chuck Woolery both drop greasy to be non greasy. Greasy. Didn't greasy. They should kill have to bounce a ball in every single thing he does like endorsements or anything. Yeah.

He's I'm doing a commercial for lotion. I got to bounce his balls talking about lotion makes no sense. Oh, people got to go like, why is it? Oh, yeah. Basketball guy. Yeah. He's super non famous already. Right.

We don't know him from anything. Yeah. I'm real. Wow. So look at that. It's a popular way of saying greasy. I mean, it's not okay. Greasy.

It is not okay. Lotion to be non greasy. Well now his greasy free hands can catch that ball too. Oh, so they tied the basketball into the lotion. Yeah. Okay. Let's see. Yeah.

You understand Theo. I got it, Rudy. Yep. Yeah. I think he showed you can still hold the ball with greasy palms. He's non greasy. Yeah. He's not a greasy palms.

Greasy. And no one's going to correct Shaquille O'Neal. No one's going to be like, hey, that's not how you say it, bro. No. How you say that, bro? Chuck. Somebody should have corrected Chuck. Chuck's not that big of a star.

True. But Shaquille. Mm-mm. Shaquille. You do not tell that guy how to talk. That's so crazy. You know, it's so funny. Wait.

Didn't I try out for... I think I did. There was a show I auditioned to be on. Shaquille O'Neal had briefly like a talk show, the irony being not a very verbose gentleman. Like, he's just not a talker, you know? Yeah. It was really painful. He had a team of like 12 writers just trying to make him...

Wait, Shaquille? I'm pretty sure it was Shaquille. Oh, yes. I remember that. That was Shaquille. Yeah. And I was supposed to be the token girl on the panel or whatever. The writers were...

Everybody was super nice. I never met Shaquille or anything. But I just remember being like, are you sure, you guys? He loves comedy. Are you sure? You know that? He basically... You can credit him to a degree for getting Kevin Hart launched because...

Really? Yeah, yeah. Shaquille, like, he puts on comedy shows and has produced, like, televised ones. And he took to Kevin Hart real early, put him on a couple of things. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, yeah. Shaquille loves stand-up. Yeah.

As long as he doesn't talk. As long as he doesn't do it, it's great. Yeah. You know, he's been a part of those roasts and stuff. Yeah. He likes that. He likes that fun stuff. But yeah, because I saw they sent me, like, a DVD of the show before I tried out for it.

And I was like, this is fucking dog shit. Like, he was... Oh, really? He is. Yeah, he's just not... Yeah. Yeah. Dog, dog.

Yeah. He's a greasy punk. He's an amazing, you know, basketball player, but it's hard to do everything. Yeah, you can't do... That's a giant human being, like a real giant. Enormous. How tall is that guy? Seven-one.

I'm going to get his entire life. Yeah. And he probably, you know, when he came into the league, I remember I was living in Florida and he was a rookie in Orlando, and he came into the league, like, seven-one, maybe three-oh-five, right? Three hundred and five pounds. And he had, like, eight percent body fat. And he was ridiculous.

And he was a phenom, I mean, it just, it blew everybody's mind that somebody this big could move like that, and he would run the court, run the whole court. And as a kid, you know, I was seeing that, like, you know, you get, you always get more excited about the bigger they are, right? So it was like, it's like a cartoon came to life. I mean, it was just unbelievable, but in his later years, even though he was still dominant, he ended up playing at, like, three-thirty, three-forty. What?

Yeah. And then he, I think, you know, I'm sure in the off-season, he's probably gotten up to three-fifty-five. What? Yeah. Yeah. He gets really big, but he has that enormous frame, you know, if you're seven-one, I mean, it's pretty crazy.

Yeah. Because basketball players, before then, you had, like, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, like, these wiry, thin, tall guys, right? There's always been tall guys. They're tiny little shorts. He was probably the first guy that was not just tall and not just big, muscular big, even though he was probably the most muscular and tall, but so athletic. I mean, he could, like I said, he would run the court like a point guard.

He would, like, the guy that would usually run out the ball and dish it to somebody, he could do that. He could run the whole court with the ball, like, fake pass it and then dunk. And then he was, you know, in the old days, guys used to break backboards because they were made of glass, and then they had this, they made a basically a, it's a non-breakable kind of glass, right? Yeah, you think they wouldn't want that, the glass to break on players? They don't anymore, so they never break now.

The glass never breaks, but they have a suspension, a harness that keeps the actual arm that keeps the backboard up. He broke a few of those in the NBA, which I don't think I'd ever seen. I don't remember ever seeing done before him and never since him. In other words, it's a thing that you see these other monsters dunking on all the time with all this power. He broke that. I remember once against Phoenix, and I think once against New York, where the whole apparatus

just collapsed. They had to stop the game and, like, re, like, position these backboards and re-harness them. I mean, that's just, because that's how powerful he was. Yeah. It was like fucking Godzilla, yeah, playing basketball. It was ridiculous. It was crazy. And now he's fucking doing gold-bond commercials.

Anyways. He's slinging that lotion. Oh, yeah, he's slinging that lotion. He's amazing. That guy made a lot of money, too. Made that paper. Yeah, he's got it. Made a lot of money.

Well, I don't know what he's paying for now, but he's that gold-bond. Why not? Do it. If you can collect money for a while after you play, it's worth to do all those commercials. Hell, yeah, dude. And he was doing movies and shit like Space Jam, right? What do you think his net worth is? Oh.

I don't know. What do basketball players, what do they get a year? A lot. At his level? What, 20 million a year or something? Yeah. That's kind of the... What do you think?

A billion. He's so famous. I know. He's so famous. Well, according to one of these sites, his net worth is 250 million. Everyone says he has a net worth of 350 million. That's crazy. It's a lot of money.

Let's see. Good for him. Good for you. Good for you. Shaquille. Oh. Yeah. He's only 40.

Really? Mm-hmm. Right now. Yeah. Oh my God. I feel like such a loser. This guy's a year old. It makes sense.

Yeah, because I was in... Jesus. When he was in high school, when he was a rookie, he probably came out a year early. Yeah. What are you doing with your life at 20? This motherfucker was already a professional basketball player. That's what I'm saying. I feel like I'm so crazy.

I feel like I'm just getting started with adulthood. Right. I've been retired for a few years. All right, man. Yeah. Same here. These athletes, we were watching football yesterday on the couch and these babies are like 22 years old.

Yeah. Yeah, you saw. What was I doing at 22? Not in the NFL. I was not playing football. That's for sure. Crazy. What the fuck, man?

What's this kid doing in her childhood? Tracy. Barbie. This summer, meet Tracy Barbie. I love posting crazy things just to get people's reaction. I do what I want to do and I don't care what people think about me. I would talk about what's going on with my life, what's going on with my body and the fact that I want to marry a rich white guy.

So how did you find this? Someone sent this? Yes. Listener submission. Yeah. She's the dumbest 20-year-old girl and this is a package for her Dr. Phil appearance. Yeah. And she suffers from a little bit of vocal fry.

Yeah. Yeah. But then she also says pretty ridiculous things. Yeah. This is a newer phenomena of the youth that didn't exist 20 years ago. We were kids for sure. You couldn't have this because you didn't have social media. Yeah.

Somebody would just act outrageous in public, but now you can record it and post it and post it for the world. Yeah. I even posted I wanted to get raped just to get attention. What? She posted that she wanted to get raped just so that people would react. Then I said being raped felt amazing. People were sharing my status, my comments, and I had over 26,000 likes and 4,000 comments.

So sad. Thank you. Yeah. You hear that like a... Yeah. I got like comments all the time. I'm like, it's great because I get to do it for six months. 90% of the comments are negative, but I love this.

I love that. What's wrong with that? I mean, she says desperate need for attention. You know. Yeah. You know what's interesting on That's Deep Bro, I brought this phenomenon up because this is a very much this generation thing of social media and wanting attention just for the sake of it, long story short, the idea of self-commodification is very normal

for them. Like, I'm a brand, you're like, yeah, but what are you selling? Because there's this guy named Tyler Oakley, who just fucking talks nonsense on YouTube and he has like, I mean literally just millions of kids are tuning into this guy and his biggest video was like, hey guys, I'm Tyler and I went to Target and I bought Black Now Polish. I love Black Now Polish. And you're like, who's watching? Why are we watching this guy?

He's not trying to be funny. He's not trying to. He just is. He just is. And he's like, his whole thing is like, I'm just being Tyler, I'm being myself. And you're like, why does this generation have such a hard time being themselves? Like, what is going on? Are they so oppressed that they can't be themselves except through these mediums?

It's like, I'm trying to figure it out. Yeah. Hi guys. That's what he does. I'm Tyler Oakley. I went to Target today. Yeah. And you're like, that's the big video.

That's one of the ones that I played on that's deep, bro. Um, yeah, it's so dumb and he walks you through what he bought at Target and it just has like Yankee candles. That one. That one's even more interesting. This one's more. Quite a Yankee candle hall today. Yeah.

This is a 09. It was great. Pick up the cinnamon notes. But that provides a service. He's telling you what candles, like the Tyler Oakley thing was just rubbish. I've heard that name. I don't even know. I don't know who that is.

He's on a, because he's on sunset. Like he has a fucking billboard on the sunset strip right now because he has like seven million subscribers. Okay. It's so fucking crazy. I don't understand why people are even. So he is a YouTube phenom basically, right? Yeah.

And he's been on like the Ellen show and he's a huge, like we can't even count on you to conceive of how famous, internet famous these kids are and like Jenna Marbles, have you heard of her? Yes. But Jenna makes like jokie videos. Like, what do a girl's nails mean? And like it's cute and funny and you're like, okay, she's making light of stuff. Yeah.

But this Tyler is just dog shit. You're like, what the fuck is this guy even doing? What do you have against him? I think because he doesn't provide any, anything, it's just, it seems to me to be nonsense. Got you. I think that's what bothers me. Like you're not, you're not even trying to really, are you entertaining people? Are we?

Hi guys. I got a black nail polish. Oh God. Blow my brains out. Listen, this guy, but that, but that, but that's social, social currency is, because these kids that, you know, at that age, when you're 20, what's the most important thing being popular, right? Yeah.

Getting likes. Yeah. No, I get you, man. Hi. And I'm just being myself. Like shut the fuck up. Stop being yourself because you're annoying the shit out of everybody who's over 30. I think I got to check this out.

I think. Sure. Hi guys. I want to, uh, I want to see some of the time. I'm totally making fun of that without even seeing it. Let's see. He's really high energy. You're going to want to kill yourself.

Just, he's like, I'm sure he's a sweet, fine, sweet person. Which one should I play? He's got a million videos. Well, whatever one really speaks to you was what calls to you. Should I do, um, how about I'll do among the most, the most popular ones? Okay. Um, hmm. He has, wow, his most popular ones are so fucking popular.

I know it's crazy. Right? 7 million, 8 million, 9 million. It is a, it is a phenomenon. Okay. Here we go. Good for, I mean good for him. Fuck.

He's Tyler and it is thee. That was so late. That is cool. Friday video beer. So today I'm in London and I figured while I'm here, I should probably meet up with some YouTubers. So I met up with the Jack and Finn. Say hello.

Hi. Tell them about yourselves. My name is Jack. My name's Finn. I'm with twins. The links to everything about them will be below. You should check them out and subscribe and follow and everything like that. Yeah.

You'll find yourself. Stop it Tyler. Guys talking about. Can I, can I show you the one that I'm talking about? Is it, you said, what's it called? Target? Here. Pause for a second.

Let me find it for you. You want to kill yourself. All right. Um, here's one. I found the video. This is a video I played on that's deeper on almost, um, commit suicide. Hey everyone. My name is Tyler Oakley and we just got done with the summer, although here in LA it's

still like 90 degrees. So night, almost 98 degrees. Oh my God. What is Nicholas say up to? I think we can safely assume he's not filming a favorite things video, but I am. Okay. So my first favorite thing I found at Target for 74 cents. It was on clearance.

All right. Yeah. It's killing me. Is it, is your spirit killed yet? Well, you know what? I don't like watching this. I'm 76 and then this guy's 12. That's what I feel like.

I don't dislike. I don't have ill hatred towards him. I just go like, well, this was made for someone else, you know, but who the kids, the kids like what they like. I think I really think that feel like that's it. I just, I don't understand it. I don't, I don't know what anybody's paying attention. This guy.

I don't. Fuck is what you maybe you're 12 years old and this is interesting. Would you like a brief history lesson? Please. Oh my God. When I fuck, I'll give you a history lesson right here. If our son is a Tyler Oakley fan, if history today's episode, Tyler Oakley, ready set go September 18th, 2007, having just moved into his dorm, preparing for his freshman

year of college, Michigan State student Tyler Oakley decides to set up a YouTube channel for the purpose of keeping in touch with his friends from high school. The earliest videos uploaded to this self-titled channel, which have since been made private, mainly featured Tyler directly addressing his high school friends for long stretches of time. However, having been inspired by the likes of Tessa Violet, Michael Buckley, and William Sled, it wasn't long before Tyler began creating videos intended for mass consumption, with the oldest video currently viewable on the channel having been uploaded on October 1st,

2007. Tyler's early video blogging style was- Okay, I can't. You know what I- Point essentially classic YouTube, with most uploads being pretty short, simple vlogs about whatever was on Tyler's mind. Oh, and then he just garnered a following. The thing is, is I think it's because it's like everything's so super fast, it's like-

You mean this guy? Yes. Okay. This video, these whole YouTubing. Right. I got it. And like everything's jump cut because you can't pay attention for longer than three minutes.

Yeah. Like I just- Yeah, he just, you know, he got it. I don't know. He got a following, people. I think his personality just makes my asshole itch. Like I cannot stand like upbeat that it's too much. It's too much.

It's too much for me. I'm overwhelmed. I need a nap after if I can listen to him talk. No, no, I don't disagree. I know what you're saying. It is interesting. It's always interesting though to see what type of, you know, persona in any field gets a following.

I mean, I feel like that all the time with, you know- Sure. You see it in comedy, music, movies, whatever it is, you go like, why are people- I don't know, people- Something about him, people click with it, you know? Definitely. He seems sincere. He's sincere.

He is. And he's a sweet little, he's a sweet blonde gay dude and, you know, probably helps other kids come out and stuff, which is great. Sure. I just think I hate the YouTuber, like high energy, teeny bop-loving. Yeah. Anyways, so anyway, that's what that girl is, I think, on Dr. Phil. The girl who wants to be raped.

Just have a rape fetish, but I have not been raped. Okay. It's a nice thing to put out there. I have a bright thought of- I have a bright thought of- I have a bright- I think there's probably a nice, healthy amount of women that would want to fucking rip this girl's throat open, right?

Yeah. For like, putting that out. Oh, you want to be raped? That's cool. Ideal of guys who are abusive and cuss in a lot of things. Okay. She's got a lot of emotional problems. Sure.

Aren't you glad we're having a boy? That's how I feel love. Yeah, I have sex the second date, only as he fits my standards. Once I had unprotected sex with this guy, and then my Facebook started blowing up with so many comments, and people started sharing it, and then- This girl's really broken, babe. Yeah. God.

I want all the count. She might be a fan, you know. I tell you, I end up with a guy like that, putting shit out there like that. Easily, bro. Jesus. Yeah. So then Dr. Philly yells at her for an hour. He should.

Yeah. Does she break down or no? I don't know. I haven't watched the whole episode. I don't care. Of course. I'll give a shit at Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil's like, you know something?

You start to keep talking like that. You're going to end up in the back of a barn with a big beer still up your butt hole. Ain't nothing to burn like that. And then she's like, I'll give a fuck. I still suck at it, but his dick comes around the top. I did what I want to do. I'm my own person. I suck at your dick, Dr. Phil.

He's like, you ain't going to suck my dick. I have my dick down. I'm going to be in a bucket full of oil right now. Because Dr. Phil has his wife in the audience. She's always. They hold hands after every. Yeah. He walks out.

So funny. Yeah. The worst part. The worst moment in television. Come on now. What's her name? Sissy. I don't know.

Grab my hand. We've got to walk off. Cracker lady. Cracker. Hold my hand. We're going to walk off and wave together. Yeah. And then we'll walk back.

Such horseshit. I talked to Phil about suck your dick while your wife watches. I wish. It's funny. It's like those old Jerry Springers where they'd have on the bad teenagers. And then they would yell at the teenagers as opposed to the parents who raised shitty kids. Yeah.

Parents. Bad fucking parents. Mom. Mom. Mom. Why did you do that to me? It's a mom problem. It's a mom problem.

Yeah. For sure it is. They make sad kids like that. We don't pay attention to them as what happens. Yeah. Mom. Why? Did you do that to me?

This I love by the way. This changes speed. This is Bob Ross, the painter. Yeah. Everyone loves Bob Ross, the old timey 70s guy. There's a couple pretty little bushes right here. I want to make pretty little clouds. That guy was a rat.

Little clouds like this right here. Look at those little clouds. And he made it look so easy because he would paint with like, I don't know what that shit's called, like his fucking spatula. You know what I mean? You mix the cake batter and he's like, just put that shit right here, man, and the sponges. Remember that hair? Yeah, dude.

Amazing hair. You have a fucking white guy for all. Yeah. He had the white dude for all. The Anglifro. He was like a Rachel Dolezal before Rachel Dolezal. Do you think he identified as black? Oh, 100%.

Well, I paint and I know I look white, but I'm a black man. His son, Steve Ross, was also a painter and Bob had him on one time and he got, he got, as you say, he towed the line of what is appropriate. Do you want to hear? I love to. He's been painting since he was about 12 years old and I think you'll find he's absolutely fantastic. Steve, welcome to the show today.

Thanks, Dan. Tell you what, I'm going to turn it over to Steve and I'll see you later. Son, do a nice painting for everyone. Nice. Do a nice painting. Pound it into that brush real good. Get tough with it right from the beginning. I'm going to try to make some sort of cloudy shapes up here to start with.

Be real rough on it. When you're doing a large painting like this, it's a really good idea to have a sturdy easel like this one. Put it down in the liquid white and work your way up. Push nice and hard. You know if your wrist gets wore out by the time you get done doing this, you did something right. This goes on and on.

I could, I could play this for an hour. I love it. Let's play it. It's so childish. Just mulling and take a little bit of pressure in the blue and a little bit of white. It can be dirty white. It doesn't have to be clean. Oh yeah, right.

There. Fill in more. But then you fill a little bit inside. That's the funnest way to do it. Watch how I push this brush up. Just like that. Push it into the paint. It's a little long and flat strokes.

There's one right here. Push up. There's one right here. Push up. Push up. Push up. Push up. Push up.

Push up. Push up. Push up. Push up. Push up. Push up. Push up. Push up.

Push up. Push up. Push up on that brush. Go back and forth like a Z. Push it. Push it up. And the guy could fucking paint, by the way. Hell yeah, he could paint.

Geez. Son of Bob Ross. Do you think that Bob Ross, the father, was like a Nazi dad about painting? He could fucking paint that again. Then he was all nice to us on TV. Right. Secretly a POS to his son about painting. POS again.

Fucking paint those mountains and those fluffy clouds. What's wrong with you? Fucking paint that shit. You're going outside till you paint. That's how my dad was with fixing forklifts, you know. Forced me to fix forklifts all damn day. For sure he did. Fix the forklifts.

This is not the pallet jack. This is not the pallet jack of your dreams. What's the thing I wanted to paint? Oh yeah, we just got the breaking news, basically. Yeah, man. This is pretty great. This came in while we were doing this show. A lot of you, obviously it was a big deal.

We had a lot of conversation about this and we pulled people online. Anyways, the latest phenom of the show would have to be Diego, a.k.a. Thursday Lane. He made a video and this just came to your attention as we were doing this. Just came in, the email came in. I'll just play it for you. This is a maze. This is a maze. He just put it up now.

Let's listen. Your mama's house. I just want to take the time to say I thank y'all for giving me a voice. I thank y'all for letting me be here because it's very important. I want to right now talk to your mama's house. That's how a lot of sound booth people podcast live or like radio and your mama's house or your mom's place. Yeah, your mama.

What's your show called your mama? I only tell them about 50 times. It's just your mom's house. Poor Diego. He didn't get it right. He has good intentions. I want to talk to your mama house. The reason why I would like to get into adult porn because I'm tired of black people like me.

We don't matter. We don't have a voice. We don't bother nobody. Y'all don't understand. In my race, we're told to be a stereotype that being an individual. When I look back at that show, Will Smith, why is it that he got... Prince of... Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

Got more notice. But the one who played his cousin, Carlton, he got dumped and picked on. Why is it okay if a black person acts stupid? A black person that's different like me? See, I want to represent middle black. You understand that? I want to represent being different because I'm tired of people like... I think people will definitely believe you're different, for sure.

Regardless of what race you are. Yes. And I say that with the kindness of hearts. Of course. You're definitely different. Why me? Take advantage of me. Or people I meet, they see me as someone to prey on.

I want to kind of talk to y'all and say, past this summer, I was putting out ads. Saying that I'm looking for someone to photograph me doing cakey porn. I met guys that just want me to kind of... That lie to me, sabotage me, and they want to manipulate me and make me do one thing. And I just want to say that I love y'all. Your mama's house. I thank y'all so much for letting me have a voice. I'm tired.

How nice is that? Adorable. Really sweet of him. Yeah. Much appreciated. Very sweet of him to do that. Well, thanks, Diego. Yeah, thanks, buddy.

We love what we found when we first found your video, and of course it amused us greatly. But we also were really, I think, affected by his sincerity. Sure. And how much he really desperately wanted to be taken seriously. So we haven't spoken to him, and maybe next week we can make a call and get an update on what's going on. That would be great. I mean, yeah, we should give it some... Because gay hot movies, they have to do their thing.

Yeah, they're trying to find some talent. Hopefully that's come together. Do you want to continue with this, or is that enough? I think it's... That's the message, right? Yeah. Thank you, and then we'll... Yeah, he goes on.

It's only three minutes, but you know. More or less, that's the... It's very sweet of Diego. It is. It's very sweet. Yeah. Remember we started... We were saying the other day, the time is now.

Now is the time. Oh, yeah. Is that what you guys say in the video? Yeah, yeah. It's like a... I gotta find it. This baby is hiccuping, and the way he's positioned, my whole insides are shaking right now. It's so funny.

Oh, baby jeans. It's the hiccups again. It's good. It's from the video where he marries a fox. If you're a guy with a cock, picture me marrying your fox, where you're like a beef chicken, bark his spicy cream. Can I marry your fox for life? Please, please, please.

Take the camera. The time is now. There it is. There it is. The time is now. It's hilarious. Ready? One.

The time is now. Ready? Please. Take the camera. The time is now. Ready? One, two. One.

One. Okay. The time is now. Take the camera. The time is now. Yeah. That's a perfect phrase when you really gotta go, you know. When you're gonna far for someone.

Yeah. A lot of pressure. Timing is important, you know. How do you get to be a farter in the fetish films? I mean, that's actually the harder part. The harder gig is to produce those farts on demand. I think they kind of track what works for them. I think you start to realize kind of like we were recounting, recapping what we ate.

I think they go, when I have this, this happens. And you gotta time it out perfectly. Yeah, because you gotta time it out before the dumps. You gotta know what makes the farts happen. Gotta know. But can you really imagine the, the like fireworks that would go off? I know we've talked about it before, but just really if Diego met King Ash Ripper. I know.

Oh, sorry. I feel like that would be the best of all worlds, all universes, all possible worlds to combine. If only King Ash Ripper would fucking respond to us. It's so unnerving. What would happen to this guy though? I mean, he would have the orgasm that shuts his body down. And he's a brunette.

So what is that? Beef cream. That's beef cream. Your beef cream too. Yeah. I mean, but Diego with him, it would be. Game one. Really crazy, man.

Yeah. What the fuck? What the fuck? All right. We gotta wrap this up, Jean. Okay, buddy. We gotta get going. Beef cream.

Beef cream. Chicken cream. New York City. You know what to do. Come see your boy. What is this? Oh, geez. Charo is calling me.

I know. She just text message me. Okay. She's probably texting me about the appointment today. All right. We gotta run. Love you guys. Thanks for listening.

We'll be back next week. Bye, mommy. Bye, jeans. That smell. That smell. That. Crazy. Crazy.

Crazy. Crazy. Back. Back. Back. Back. Back. Back.

Back. Back. 잠. Lock. Back. Back. Back. Back.

Back. Crazy. Crazy. Back. Back. Back. Back. Back.

Back. Back. Back. Back. Back. Back. Back. Back.

Back. Back. Back. Back. Back. Back. Jo