Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 320-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 2, 2015

Bond, Jeans Bond is the name or perhaps you're more familiar with Double 0 Denim as I'm known inside these walls. The mommies have a spectacular bonus clip of the new Bond movie and you are sure to love it.  Plus is a white boy claiming to be a crip the real deal or is he frontin in a red hat? We have the Farsi voicemails translated, the lamest dude ever in porn and a call from Tommy's Uncle Bill You got that sauce, mane?

It is very sensual. I'm Harrison Bowes, Boz. New Year's Eve. I don't know what you're doing, but if you're in Brea, California, or the surrounding area, I'm doing New Year's Eve at the Brea Improv. I think you mean New Year's Jeans. New Year's Jeans. I'm there. I'm also there, I believe the next couple nights. I think there's one show on Friday the first, two shows Saturday January 2nd, and one show January 3rd. Brea Improv all weekend long to ring in 2016. I can't believe it's almost here. And I also have a couple other dates in January. Downtown Denver Comedy Works. Tickets are already selling. I'm there, I believe January 13, 14, 15, 16.

It's the Downtown Club in Denver, Colorado. So get your tickets now for that. And then a couple weeks later, people always ask me about Los Angeles doing shows here. I'm doing a full weekend of shows at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California. That is part of the greater Los Angeles area. And I will be doing, like I said, multiple shows there. They're on sale now. TomSegura.com. Go to the shows page and you can get your tickets right now. Jeans? The only date I'm doing is a due date, motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to get this baby out of my couch. Yeah. Listen, that's DeepRow. That's DeepRowPodcast.com. I'm still

doing that show in the show. I'm still around. I'm just not in the clubs. I think people don't feel bad for me at this point. They shouldn't. You don't feel bad for you, right? Um, no. I'm just over it. I'm ready. You're ready. Fucking ready. Teens, you all right? Yeah, I just got hot. Yeah, do you need a break? No, I think I'm okay. Okay. I think I'm okay. You ready to do this show? Yeah, for sure. Let's party. All right. Here we go. Welcome to this. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura, Tom Sutsu, and Christina Pazitzin. Welcome to your mom's house.

Yeah. Was that club of you in high school? It might as well have been. It's probably, those were my thoughts when I, um, when I came home after I saw Manistice Society. Yeah. Yeah, I was like, what? What's up? Y'all can't fuck with me. You were super pumped, huh? Yeah, I was super pumped. Cry, motherfucker. Yeah, I was really pumped out. Your new, your new identity. By the way, before we get back to that, I was just realizing, you know, during the, um, our intro, uh, your mom in the fucking stands, all that, right? That's this guy. This shit is big time. That's coach Ice Harris. Yeah. If you were watching college football this past weekend, which, you know, if you weren't, what's wrong with you? You need to get your

fucking life together. Uh, rivalry Saturday, of course, my favorite Florida state Seminoles played the hated Florida Gators. Hey, who hates them? Who hates the hated gay Gators? The Gators, everyone hates the Gators. Not everywhere. There's a, there's a lot of people in their fucking stands. If I recall, they were, but they're all, they're gay turds, all of them. Um, but anyways, the, uh, quarterback, the backup quarterback, Trayon Harris, Trayon is the son of coach Tim Ice Harris, who it can be here, heard here saying this is big time. That's his dad. That's so crazy. So if you watch, if you watch that game, it's just a little trivia for you. The backup quarterback for the Gators is the son of coach Ice Harris. I wonder, he's such a good

player. All that positive reinforcement from dad. He played horribly. Did he? Yeah, he didn't have a good game. Do you think his dad's going to yell at him like that? I think, absolutely. I think he's absolutely going to yell at him. Well, speaking of black yelling, uh, we didn't mention this before, but I think you have a huge, I mean, we've already announced it on the show, but let's do that again. Yeah. Well, I think one thing we didn't make clear, this is a, this is a limited release. This is not going to be in the store permanently. This is only, this is just a holiday item. This is only on sale for about another 10 days. Oh my gosh. And that is the shirt. It is, it's fully collaborated with big daddy Kane and it's the sub Kane shirt. It's on pre-sale

now. They start shipping out the 12th. So you should get them in time for Christmas. I mentioned on the last episode, it is a dream. It's a dream come true that, uh, you know, to, to do a joke in your act that just a reaches him because it reached him. And then, you know, we made contact and, and I've maintained contact with him since then, which is nice. And then he, it was his idea to do this, which is, you know, that's even more fun. It's crazy. So if you, if you order now, and by the way, I don't think I specified this enough, we made women's tees too. So it's not just unisex. We have both the female, you know, the female cut shirts are different. Yes. And a lot of times we get requests for those. Why don't, why don't you guys have girl shirts? I don't know. But this

time there's both. So there's the unisex, the, which is predominantly worn by men. And then there's the female cut shirts. If you're looking for those, you can get your very own shirt. And like I said, it's a great stocking stuffer, great Christmas idea. Get it now. The link is in the store on my page, on my website, tomscura.com, and it's on your momshousepodcast.com as well. So enjoy that. Also, as we're in this holiday season, it's too late. You're already immersed in it. We just did Black Friday and now it's, what is it now? Cyber Monday? I don't fucking know. It's horrible. And the thing is, is that don't go to the mall. Do yourself a favor. Why would you go to the mall? Go and shop on Amazon and have all the gifts shipped to the location that you want

them to be at. But please use our banner when you do your Christmas shopping at your momshousepodcast.com. Click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage and it just kicks back some change to the show. Really appreciate it if you guys have already done that. This is the season. I haven't done any shopping of you. No. I could give a fuck about it, right? No, yeah. In terms of like going to the mall in no way. Buy a cane shirt. Have it shipped to the person. Go to Amazon and get people birds beeswax. That's what I mean. Oh, by the way, there's an imposter cane shirt. I saw that on. That's horrible. It's terrible. Oh my. One of you assholes that listens to this show made a fucking fake sub cane shirt. How do you know there are listeners? It's got to be.

It's got to be. God, that's so weird. Somebody that heard me talk about it. I mean, you're right. It could be somebody that just saw the link, but it's whatever. It's somebody out there. What a dildo. Who put a shitty face. No, but it says like in the description, it's like, hey, mommies, this is it. The official. So it's like, it's somebody that knows our lingo. It's just, and it's a fucking garbage shirt. It's such a shitty thing. Well, make sure that you don't buy the imposter shirt. I don't see how you could. It's such fucking garbage. Yeah, it's like white and it's got like a shitty drawing. It's not even terrible. It's terrible. That's horrifying. I know. People are such turds. It's really, it's a turd thing. Anyways, back to my

high school graduation speech I gave. So I don't know. I always wonder about when you do, when you do something so embarrassing like this. I mean, you record it. Do you think he sent it to someone? That's probably what happened, right? So where did you find it? Was it on YouTube or a Vine or? Oh, it's so embarrassing and he's got writing on his chest. It's his thug life and I'm a crypto. I die or something, but like, you know, like he probably sent this to someone, right? I don't know. He's, is he doing it in the mirror? Then I think it's just for himself, for himself. I think you watch that later. Who would watch that? And he uploaded it himself. I would bet for it to look, but he knows this doesn't look good.

He's oblivious, babe. He thinks he's wrapping the crypts. Yeah. This guy's out of his fucking mind in a lot of ways. Yeah. He's skinny. He's like a 15 year old boy. That's when you feel like this. That's when you feel like you can get away with this. When I was 15, I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, fuck you up. It's just hard as fuck. Yeah. He just walked out of it. He just saw straight out of Compton. Yeah. That's when he made this. Right. He walked out and he was like, you know, damn, fuck, you heard those songs. You know, it's nice to feel it when you're 15 to that aggression and hardcore rap. You're like, you start to identify. You want to be hardcore. You want to fuck somebody up so that that music just really speaks to you.

Fireship. I was a punker. I saw Sid and Nancy when I was that age and I wanted to move to London and, you know, buy a leather jacket. Yeah. Yeah. And I did. I did. So, yeah, that's this kid. He's something else. So embarrassing. How long does it go on for? It goes on too long, but he turned, he just turned his hat more sideways. I don't know what's going on. He's really feeling those n-bombs. Those big words. Yeah. He's big word and a big time. I think, yeah, I think he's just feeling himself. He's feeling it hard. Yeah. He's feeling himself and he's like, you know, he's listening to a lot of

songs that are new to him. But the thing is, the writing on his chest, it's not even good. He like scribbled it. It's not like a good gangbanger tattoo, you know? It's so embarrassing, but like, I almost, sometimes when I watch these things, maybe it's getting older, I go like, oh, yeah, I feel just bad from. What are his comments like? They're probably not good. Let me see what I can find here. They're probably, they're probably really bad. Yeah. Well, because you can't drop that many big words in a row and have nobody talk some shit to you? Yeah, it's, this is, I don't know. You want to talk some shit? Let me see if I can. Call me. Let's see. Oh yeah, here's the YouTube clip.

Man. Yeah, people go, laughing my ass off you skinny fucking shit stain. Yeah. You got a lot of nerve coming to my channel starting shit. There it is. There's that ghetto legend. Illus Krip with a red hat. He's wearing a red hat. That's right. Dang dong. People saying, is this Slim Jesus who we played before? Man. I thought it was the T-Rex guy. Remember on Vine where he was like, oh, T-Rex. Oh, yeah, yeah. He was flexing. Yeah, I think it's funny that this guy, I can't really tell if he's, if he's a really trying or he's like just trolling people, you know, he might be actually just

fucking with us. He's really good though. Yeah. But that's really authentically dumb. Yeah, I know. It feels real, right? It sounds. He said, okay, here's him sick ass freestyle, and he wrote best raper of all time where he meant to write rapper. So I don't know how well thought out this stuff is. Here we go. He's putting it. Oh, no. Did you stop it prematurely because you're embarrassed for him? No, the computer did it on its own. I think it's real. I feel like it's authentic because his delivery is really hard. Like, yeah, God, do you just feel so embarrassed for someone like your face gets hot for them? Oh,

yeah. I'm really embarrassed for him. All those singing contests. Yo, what's good in hood, man? What's good in my fucking hood? So basically, I wanted to talk about my life story today. Oh, please don't get real emotional and deep with y'all. Oh, dear. Basically, I grew up in Compton. I don't know why. Yeah, it's so awful. He's crazy. I think he might be crazy. I think he's, that's his act. I think it's his act. Real Compton, no fake ass Compton, Cali Compton, fake ass Compton. Where's the other Compton? I had a really rough life. I think he's just doing his, you know, he's making a joke. It's his joke. Oh, well. It's awful any which way. You know when, no matter which way it's presented, it's awful? This is that. It's still embarrassing. It's terrible in every

regard. How excited are you that the internet didn't exist when you were that age? Oh, my God. The dumb shit we would have put up on. I would have put up the dumbest, gothest, like saddest stuff ever. It would just be me with a candle, like playing bow house in my room, just drawing spider webs and. I think I told you before, I had a video camera and I took it to like a party once and I video that was just like walking through it and I was talking and and I found it like years later and I like set it on fire because it was so like there was no like, well, that's cool. You were younger. No, it was like it was super dumb. So super douchey and I couldn't handle it. What did you not like? I hated my banter. Like I was like, oh, yeah,

I don't know. I was just like talking to people like, look at, look at fucking Billy over here with, I'm just saying, just dumb. I was like, it was, it was hard to watch. Yeah, I couldn't find the like, well, that's a, that's okay. Like that was cute. It's not cute. It was fucking stupid. I feel that way now, even when I talk. Yeah. When I hear this show or just myself doing anything, I'm like, oh, God, God, oh, horrendous. That's why it's hard. It's hard. Hate everything I do. God. That's why, like, if you have that mentality, which is good to have, well, no, it's not healthy, but it's, I think it keeps you honest as a standup. Then when you actually do like something you said, you know that like, well,

okay, this is, this is probably pretty decent. If I like it, it's half like decent. Yeah. That's true. Could you imagine? I used to, when I was a little girl, we had a video camera, you know, when they came out in like the eighties when everybody had the big camcorders, I'm getting anxiety thinking about the tape that I already set on fire. Like there's no way to get it again. And I'm already feeling anxious about it. But I used to set up our camcorder in our living room. Yeah. And like act out commercials. Oh yeah. Oh God. I think I even did a fake, a fake make out scene with my sibling. You know, when I was nine or 10, like where you put your hand through that movie. Yeah, of course. Everyone did that. Yeah. I had one of those with like an

incestuous one with a sister. Well, definitely with Maria. I'm, I'm thinking she'd volunteer for that. I don't even remember. It might have been, I don't know. It might have been with Jane. I don't know. Oh God. But yeah, we made movies. Of course. I even made, I made a sagal parody when I was 11, 12 years old. What? Yeah. We got to get our hands on that. And then we made title cards for it, but we drew them on cardboard. And it said, it was, it said like, uh, Steven Seagal is mad as hell. Cause it was always out for justice. Yeah. That's how they had the, the tie. We got to find this. I know. Where is this? It's on VHS somewhere. Yeah. We're going to find it. We got to play it on the show now. Oh, it's probably really good. Yeah. How weird that you even had a thing for

Steven Seagal back then. Yeah. 20, more than 20 years ago. God, we got to get you guys together. Why hasn't he responded to your material on Netflix? It's a great question. He has no sense of humor about himself. I don't think he does. He's well, well known to be or, or, or voted by a number of people as the all time worst SNL host. Oh, is that right? Lauren, Michael said it. David Spade, other cast members that were there during the time said of all the people, and Lauren would be the ultimate voice, hands down the worst. I'm guessing, and this is just a hypothesis. It would be because he has no sense of humor and he can't, he takes himself very seriously. And also what's even worse than somebody that takes himself seriously, has no sense of humor,

is somebody like him in a room with, you know, extremely funny, professional, funny people saying that's not funny. Yeah. So he would be probably shutting down. Oh my God. You know, or Tina Fey said she was there too. She said he was horrific. I can imagine him either A, not wanting to rehearse. Yeah. Or B. Oh, no, I'm sorry. Tina Fey said it about Paris Hilton. Oh, Paris Hilton. She, I'm, she was the worst. I could absolutely say that. She was the worst in Tina Fey's era. Absolutely. But Lauren said that Seagal was the all time worst. Yeah. Well, both of those people sweat themselves pretty fucking hard. Yeah, the worst. But yeah, they both are, they're probably neck and neck, but they said Seagal was just unbearable. Well,

and she's a real dumb, dumb too. I don't think she probably got half of the stuff here. I think Tina Fey's story was that, I think one of the writers there, Donahue, said, she said he wrote this really funny sketch for her that kind of played on who she is. And she was like, no, I don't like that. Of course. They were all like, oh man. Because she doesn't want to make fun of herself. There's no self-parenting. Yeah. Could you imagine having to try to make Paris Hilton funny? I think, God, as long as, you know, the problem, I think she could, she could do it. The problem is like, if you're not game, you know, right? So I'm saying like, she wouldn't guess and right, she wouldn't go along. She's like, that's not of, of, of cool. Try to be cool.

She wants to be cool. Like I remember she did that. It was, it was something regarding the election coming up or some, some issue that was getting voted on. And Adam McKay wrote a thing for her. And then she did really, really good. And she was playing on who she is. She was like sitting outside sunbathing with like a poodle in her hand. And she was making commentary that clearly wasn't hers. And it was funny. Right. But if she's shutting that down, if she's like, no, yeah, of course, I don't want to do that. Then you can't do it. But it's a goal. Must have just been insufferable, insufferable. I mean, it had to be well, probably as, I don't know. Well, they said it's the worst.

Probably didn't want to rehearse because he's the king of all improv. Like, but he also believes that I have insight into the culture, the heart of Russia and the people who are running the country. And it's so unbelievable. That's probably how the, the pitching of the sketches went. Do you have any ideas? The last time I asked the CIA, the CIA, let me see who this is. Hold on a second. Yes. One second. Sorry. We were ahead to take a quick break. Sure. I want you, do you want to share what you just said? No. Are you, how do you feel? How's the baby jeans feeling? You feeling all right? I'm tired today. I just want this baby to come out. I'm 38 weeks today and I went, we went to the doctor this morning

and everything's, nothing's dilated. Nothing's moving. But she's like, you could go to labor anytime. Yeah. Anytime. And you know what brings on labor, right? What's that? Doing it. Do you want to do it? We got to do it. But then our baby's going to come out. Yeah. That's, that's the whole point. To like a sea of your jizz. Yeah. And they'll be like, Oh my God, there's so much jizz in here. My doctor will be like, Oh, did you guys do it right before this? God. You know what I was thinking though, Jeans, we were in the doctor's office this morning. So gross. How much jizz is here?

Is it, remember how like there was like old people, old ladies? Yeah. Cut down. It's a lot of fucking cunt. The, all those old ladies, like, they're old pussies. So gross. Yeah. Like, can you imagine, like my doctor has to look at the old ones and the nice looking ones? Like, I always feel bad for her. Like, you know, you have to serve the old ones. Didn't you ask a doctor about that? You're like, didn't, like about your old doctor, but looking at old coochies. No, looking at, um, because we, we were talking about whether or not your

cooch can get beaten up through having too much sex. Yeah. And she verified. Yes. She did. Yeah. That it gets kind of torn up looking. You, you made my pussy dry. Yeah. But it's so weird. I feel like older women should go telling an older lady doctor, you know, it's only fair. True. Could you imagine looking at dry pussies all day long? But why do you assume that they're all dry? Because they're older. So they all have dry old pussy. They're all gray and, you know, leathery and stuff.

And well, dudes, dudes get all shriveled. You said that your dad's got big hanging nuts. God, his balls hanging down so low. They're so low hanging. Is that just, that's just what happens, huh? Your junk just gets all flabby and grody. It's, um, God. Yeah, they're just, they're just down there. Like I saw him bend over to grab something naked. Like I walked into his bedroom and I was like, oh my God. Because they had, it had like, it looked like goat nuts. Like they were so big and hangy and yeah, it was, it was really something. Well, and I've seen your dad walk around in his boxer shorts. His paper thin ones. Yeah. And he wears like worn out cotton.

They might, he has boxers on that might be as old as me. Like, I don't know when boxers were introduced to the, you know, to the public. Yeah, but I think this is like one of the first pairs of boxers. Yeah, it's pretty, yeah, it's pretty ridiculous. Well, my dad's Euro dad and he only wore speedos and he still wears speedos. Oh my God, it's so crazy. I think that's crazy. I mean, I know he's European, all I know, but it's crazy. That's all I ever knowed is his, he, my dad had a pair of bright orange speedos that he used to wear on the beach and around the house. Savage. Yeah. Savage. But I thought everybody did because my dad, that's how my dad rolled and not only don't,

apparently my dad's in the minority. Yeah. Would you wear a speedo? Um, probably not. Yeah. Wait, do you have a dick doctor? There are dick doctors, but I don't go to a dick doctor yet. Wait, wait, how come boys don't have to get their dicks looked at every year the way women do? It's a great question. You got parts too. I do have parts, but I don't have all cancers. Well, yeah, I mean, if you had that or if you had some bladder issue, you're an issue. You're an aiding issue. You would go to a urologist. Yeah. And I think you can get your, I mean, you know, after, I think after

50, you're supposed to get your prostate checked every year, but I don't think you even, you don't have to go to a urologist to have that done. That's a proctologist. Well, I think that, you know, even your GP can go. Your dad could do that for you. Or your father could definitely do that for you. Yeah. Anyone's father. As long as it's a dad, he can check you out. That's, that's what I had heard. The dad, any dad can check your asshole and tell you if you have butt cancer or not. Cool. That is cool. It's cool to go over this stuff. I did have an older lady sitting next to me like two weeks ago in the waiting room when I was there and

she was saying, she's like, I'm old. I don't even know why I'm getting my junk checked. She said my junk checks. Who cares? Yeah. She didn't say junk. She was like, I don't even know why I'm bothering with this. She didn't take her talk about her pussy at all. I don't know why my pussy's getting checked. Why are y'all looking at my pussy like this right now? But she was like, it doesn't matter. Like, I'm going to die. I'm like, I'm probably not the best attitude lady. Fuck it. Pussy like at ovarian cancers and vaginal cancers, you know. Yeah. Yeah. It's really good. Can I help you with something? Oh, what's that? What are you looking for? I was trying to find this when you were talking about sex. We have this great clip of

two people having sex. That's weird for the show. For the show. And it was really funny because the guy, well, he was just, I don't know, just really had a really interesting way of doing his job. Let's just say that he had a really job. That's just job sweetie. Let me see one second. Here it is. This is the guy. This is the guy. He's ridiculous. Tell me this is not ridiculous. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Here it is. Oh, God. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. It's totally. Oh, fuck, man. Oh my God. Here. Hold still. Let me fuck your face for a second. Oh, jeez. Oh my God. Okay. Yep. Yeah, I guess. Oh, right there. Right there. Oh my God. Oh, yeah. Right there. He came from the, what school of porno is that? The, uh, just the Dave Cullier.

Keep saying yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Oh, man. He sounds like a new girl in porn. Oh, I never thought I'd get my dick sucked. Oh, you didn't? When you showed up on set that day to film a porno, you idiot. You never thought that would happen. Oh, right there. Oh, right there. Oh my God. Look at my balls too. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Right there. Just like that. Oh my God. He is, he is a nerd. He's a nerdy man. Let me get these gloves off here. He's got his surgeons gloves on. Holy fuck. Oh, really tight. Oh, really tight. Oh my God. Such a nerd alert. I feel like she's fucking her cousin or something. It's so weird. Oh, does that sound like an uncle or something? Yeah. So we went to the movies. I'm sad again after hearing that. You are? Because she has

to act like it's awesome. That's always the part. Oh, yeah. You're great. He's like, Oh, never thought I'd get my dick sucked. Oh, right there. I think you're so hot. It's so hot. She has to keep pretending. Yeah. Well, cool. Speaking of dicks. So we did, we went to the movies. No, sorry. I jumped over something. What did you jump over? We had dicks and then this girl was crying about seeing a dick online. I just saw a weenie. So basically what happened was I was talking to my online friends. I have a lot to online friends. I have a lot to online friends. I'm popular on the interwebs, but I, I wanted to know what they look like, you know, because if someone doesn't, you don't, because dick pics are the thing now. We've talked about it before, but

it's so weird to me that people send their dick pics. That's completely absurd. It's so crazy. Maybe if I had like a real thumper on me, I'd be like, I'm sending this thing. But like even then, I just, that seems like something you don't want sent to everybody in the ether. Yeah. But apparently it's totally normal. I've had people show me their dicks on their dick pics. Like at the comedy store, I've just had comics be like, Oh yeah, here's my dick. And then they just show me their dick. It's mostly gay guys, but yeah, mostly. All right. Them and Ari. All right. Ari will show you his asshole. Yeah. Well, he used to took it prolapsed. He would pull his dick out on stage. Right. Yeah. He got banned from the Irvine Improv. Yes. One time for doing that for a year. So yeah.

And he's not of the millennial generation. He's just a guy that pulls his dick out. So how is it? Ari's? I remember being pretty like nice, like pretty, you know, like nothing to be ashamed of. Well, let's text him. Maybe he'll send us a picture. He'll send it immediately. I don't know if we need to do that. Yeah. Should I ask him? Yeah, we'll see. And do girls send coochie pics? Is that the, is that what the kids are doing? Which I, which I write to Ari. Hey Ari, can you send us your dick pic, please? Have your dick? Let's see. Hey, can you send me a dick pic? Of yours though. Real quick. Not someone else's. Of yours. It's for a project. It's for a project. Let's see what he said. Wait, but seriously though, do girls send their

coochie pics back? Like, is that what the chicks do? I think they send titties, right? He'll answer. He will send us his dick. I know he will. He's going to send us a dick. And not his dick. Yeah, it's going to be. So that's why I wanted you to specify. Like, well, I did. I did specify yours. Let's see what he says. 20 something maybe. But I just, I was going to say, like, I wanted to know what you look like. So he went and he sent me a link to this dirty website. I forget the name of it, but it was really bad. What a child she is though. She's fake. Yeah. Well, she called it a weenie. I know. Well, maybe, you know, she's a faker. You think she's faker? Big ol' faker thing? How old is she? I don't

know. She looks young. Faker. She looks pretty young. She's fake. Oh, no. She's faker. She's just acting? I think so. Who hasn't seen a weener? In this generation? They just see weeners now at an earlier age, right? Like the minute you get your iPhone, then it's a weenertown. It is weenertown. Because speaking of weenertowns, I got another sexy text. Yeah. Whoever the fuck had this phone before me was a real hoe because this chick keeps getting here. What'd you get? So this is on Saturday night. This number, did I already send it back already? No, no. This one's nothing, but I got a phone call at midnight and then he just texts, hey, beautiful. W-Y-D tonight. What would you, what, what you do?

I'm guessing that's what that is. What'd you do tonight? W. W. Y. D. Oh, what you doing tonight? And then he called her and that's 1230. And this is an LA number. So this is definitely like a booty call. And then, so I heard again from my, my cordier, Nate, just to catch you guys up. It started off with greetings. This is Nate. How are you today? How are you feeling? Hope you are better, smiley face. I think I can make you feel better with a massage. Let me know if I can help. I'm free tonight. And then we just did an answer. And then a few days later, greetings, Sally. How are you? No answer. Two days later, he writes, Hey, beautiful. How are you? I'm going to be back in town on December 2nd. Would you like to get together for a date? Wishing you a great weekend.

M. And what'd you say? W. W. I took a snapshot of my bloated belly, my big pregnant belly and wrote back love to, but I'm a little preoccupied. No silence, right? No silence. M. That shut him down. His dick just went. W. My belly made his. M. His dick soft, for sure. He's like, I can't be no fucking baby daddy right now. W. The Persian voicemails have slowed down. M. Let's see that phone. W. Yeah, here. You got some translations, didn't you, for? M. I did. My man, Slemon, who, by the way, passed his bar. W. Hey, congrats, buddy. That's hard. M. He has been our official translator for this. Can you get this off for me? W. Oh, the case. M. Yeah. W. Yeah, he's been the official translator.

M. Official. W. Yeah, can you imagine? He's studying for the bar. M. Yeah. W. And he's listening to this show and making sure that we have correct Farsi translations. M. Did you hear that? W. Oh my god. M. Did you hear that? W. You're a savage. Yeah, I heard it. M. Actually, we can't get those jeans. W. You can't get that? M. Hold on. W. Okay. M. This case is like. W. Yeah, tough case. All right, so just to give you a quick reminder, we had many, many voicemails on Christina's new number, all in Farsi, just a quick reminder of things like this. M. I don't know if she's gonna wake up in the morning.

W. Oh my god. M. Things like that. W. That's new numbers, but nothing but fun. M. Or this one. W. I don't know. M. I don't know. W. I don't know. M. I don't know. M. I don't know. W. I don't know. M. I don't know. M. I don't know. M. I don't know. M. I don't know. W. All right, so Sleiman translated all of these for us. W. Thank you, buddy. M. Here's what he said. I'm not gonna play all of them again for you, but you'll just know what's going on in this world.

W. Just imagine a lot of gobbledygook. M. It's what you just heard. W. Every time. M. It's not gobbledygook. It's Farsi. W. It's a lot of not American talk, as you know. M. Number one, she said, this is the first voice wish list. My Iranian passport expired in 2011, but I have my American passport and that should work, right? It doesn't expire until 2017. W. No answer to it. Radio silence. M. Yeah. By the way, this woman never gets an answer from this number because it goes to Christine. W. Salome. This is Salome. M. Yeah. W. Voice will number two. There's a play from Iran that is playing in Beverly. I heard

it's very funny. It's called Whalesperm. I heard it on the radio. They played it in Sino summer. I want you to find out so we can go and to tell someone else about it. It's supposed to be very, very funny. M. Whalesperm. W. Voice will number three. I got your text. Okay, let's go. Presumably about Whalesperm, right? I got room rates for 129 to 190, including buffet. So they are going to, on the day, she talks super lazy, which we talked about. It's just super lazy flow. And then let's see. Another one was, uh, aloh. That's, that's, uh, that's what we hear, aloh, Salome. M. Yeah, Salome. W. Yeah, aloh is high. M. So she's saying hi. Mama forgot her blood pressure thing. She's going to wake up this morning. Oh my God, hangs up. Voice will number two.

He writes super lazy tongue. I can't even understand or translate it. Um, it's something, I think she says spayamon, which is his name also, but it's super slow. And then finally, the voicemail number four from last week's episode, this is the long one that I was giving you a taste of, I believe. Okay. I think this is, it's, this is fascinating. It's, she says, sorry, I couldn't talk to you about this. Me, no, a woman's name. Don't worry about it's been a long time ago. Everyone has cancer. My tenant has cancer. My friend has cancer. She has cancer. He has cancer. Everyone is getting cancer. I got your message. I want to see what Rod is doing so I can see what to do about these dogs and the chicken. Take care of

yourself. See you soon. Uh, Faridah, which is the woman's name or a woman's name is coming here. Miss slut lady. So he says she's calling Faridah a whore. Faridah wants to come here and ruin my day. She could be here any minute, but I hold her tape. I told her to take her time. I told her to drive slow so she gets here late. Then she laughs. Talk to you soon. Wow. So she doesn't like Faridah misses slut lady. Isn't this cool? Like, because the magic of the internet, otherwise I would just be like, what, what is this mystery, this great mystery? And now it's solved. So thank you for you also had. You used to have that for a while. We were getting calls from a guy that was clearly falling off the. Adis. Yeah. Adis. Come on, man. Just come on back. No one's mad at you anymore.

So far, Salome, Adis, Sally and Chinaz have had this phone number. That is crazy for different people that I'm aware of. And yeah, that guy, Adis, I think he's, he has mental problems and he wasn't seeing his psychiatrist and he ran away from his, his wife and kids. And then they were all trying to find him. This is a lot of drama on this. Good Lord. And Chinaz keeps getting offers for nursing gigs. And she never takes them. She never takes them. Unreal. And now I'm getting sexed from more sexy, sexy text offers. Okay. Are you ready? Yeah.

We went to the new Bond movie this weekend where he walks on a screen and he goes, My name is Bond. Jean's Bond. I'm going to pull up everybody's denim in Landon Town and make them high and tight again. Double low denim. You can't do that. Not everybody wants their jeans high and tight. I won't go back. I promise you that. I won't go until everyone's denim is on tight. Is this right? Are you in Tanjia, Morocco trying to pull up everybody's jeans? Been around this country for two days now. Not one person's wearing a jean jacket. I got a lot of work to do. See you later, Em.

No, Bond, don't you understand there are many other fabrics and patterns. Not everybody wants to wear denim. I'm wearing a cotton shirt. It's lovely. Bond, I order you to come back. We could do this the easy way or we could do this the hard way. You either put your denim on, you wear it high and tight. I'm going to make it tight for you. So that's the new Bond movie. The trailer for Spectre right there. Basically, double low denim goes around and he just makes everyone wear jeans. I would have preferred that because here's my problem with double low denim. Number one, I fell asleep during the movie. That's crazy. Which has never happened to me in the history of my

life. That is crazy. I fell asleep on you. Talk. Secondly, there's no stakes in these damn movies because A, he's never going to get married and he's never going to, what? Go ahead. Did Ari sign us a dick pic? No, you sent us a response. What does it say? It says, I have a flip phone now. Who is this? Shut up. A flip phone. He's always had that stupid ass flip phone. Who should I write that it is? Sally. It's Sally. Say it's red band. I mean, Ari's wrote it's Sally. So he lost my number. He doesn't have my fucking number. He's a history of text here. What a fucking asshole. He doesn't have a flip phone. He's lying to you.

So wait, what bothers you about Bond? Here's the problem with Bond is that he's never going to quit being double low denim because they always threaten that he's going to walk away from the gig and he's never going to get married. So like the love interest never goes anywhere. Oh, and he can't die because you know that otherwise the franchise ends. But it's fun. There's no stakes. There are stakes still. Like he gets away from stuff. But other people's lives are always in peril. What's with the jeans? Well, that's the thing. This whole movie, this one, Spectre's all about jeans. It is. We thought it was kind of a nod to us. Yeah. It's kind of nice. It was kind of interesting. They had Austrian jeans, Tangarian jeans,

London jeans. They sure did. They really were like, we're trying to make movies for your listeners. It was really nice. It was really nice. Yeah. Well, that guy's got a real rock-biter face, doesn't he? I did think, yeah, he does. Christoph Waltz was not as scary and good as he could be. Like he's a great, great actor. Really amazing. But his villain was kind of, I don't know, he's like background noise. Like he wasn't really, he didn't do much with the character. He kind of phoned it in. I think so too. He's such a great villain. He was in the show Shawna. What's that movie? Oh my God, yeah. The German one, Glorious Bastards. Yes. He plays a fucking amazing villain in that movie.

And then he's in Django too. Amazing villain. He's not really a villain in that one. Oh, no, sorry. I'm thinking of Leonardo DiCaprio. Yeah, DiCaprio. He did a great job in that. Yeah, this guy had like, I mean, I get it because you could be a Bond villain and like some guys have really overdone it. You know, you can do that like, boooond up good. You know, they do like a caricature kind of act where it's not really, you know, it's fake scary, right? But he's a good enough actor to have done, I feel like, something more with that. He didn't really do anything. Like he didn't make any choices. I felt as though he just didn't, he didn't make any jeans and kind of choices. It's like,

what kind of denim are you gonna wear? Yeah, I agree. What's with the jeans? I think it was like they called him and they go, it's four million. You shoot for 11 days and he goes, that's great. Done. Yeah, I'll do it. And his, but did you notice that his pants were kind of tight and high? The movie was about this show. There was a point where they had Bond, they had jeans Bond in the chair tied up and everybody's closed because in movies and television, your clothing fits impeccably. So tight. So tight because, you know, you want to look smaller and fitted. And it's funny because he was sitting and the suit looked so tight. And so did the villain. What's his dick? His name? Waltz. Yeah. His pants were like flood pants when he sat down. It was almost distracting.

High waters. Yeah. And no socks. And I was like, ooh. Yeah, he was wearing slippers. Yeah, I was so queer. It's very weird. Like wardrobe choice. I like the Bond girl. I think she's great. Yeah. She's a French lady. I've seen her in movies. I felt like she did more with the part. Yeah. She had like layers to her. Yeah. She's a really pretty lady. Her teeth could use a little, she could use braces. She could use braces, but then, man, that moment when... Bond. Jeans Bond. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. It's like over here wearing cotton wool. It's like you've forgotten all about denim.

Get back here, this instant jeans bond to London. I can't. I can't do it, Ed. We watched another movie with, with what's his name? Bald Dick. Gondi. You know what I'm talking about. Where you die and then you come back. Oh, yeah. What's that, motherfucker? Ben Kingsley. Ben Kingsley. What was that called? You have to take this opportunity. Yes. Yes. He's the best. Yeah. That was that movie called Shit Man. Senseless. I forget what it was called. Well, he's a rich guy and he wants to come, he's dying and he goes to the service and they put his brain in a younger guy's body and it's Van Wilder's body. Yeah. That movie was lacking. Something wasn't right. It took a turn

and it kind of weird. It went, it went in the wrong way. Well, can I tell you what one of the problems is with that? A movie like that, where you have, there's a mystery and it's my favorite genre of film. Yeah. When you have a movie where the whole idea is you create problems, right? You go, here's a, here's a mystery and then the solution is how can you solve this problem? If you give shitty answers to the solution, that's when you go like, oh, this is late. You know, they would create real problems and then the way that they would solve it is they would go like, how, how are we going to, how is this possible that these people's bodies are being used for this experiment? Yeah. Just kind of is like, there's no, did you just steal people's

bodies? Yeah. We just kind of took them. Yeah. They didn't give you a believable, real answer to it. So it's, they created crazy problems and then the solutions were just whatever. It was called selfless. Yeah. It was okay. Yeah, it was okay. It was all right. It's okay. And also too, those people were like, I never, I thought the bodies were grown in a factory and you're like, wait, what are you talking about? Didn't make any sense. Of course you didn't, like that's fucking retarded. Yeah. But anyway, we had a pretty great TG. Tom and I decided to sit on our couch and watch a ton of movies and he watched a lot of foosball, like crocheted. And we, we said, fuck a turkey. We don't like turkey. I think I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm out.

I don't, I'm proud. I don't like turkey. It's fucking dry. It tastes like, it's just makes my pussy dry. Fucking gross, dry turkey. Makes your pussy dry. Makes my pussy dry. You have to drown it in gravy. Yeah. For it to taste decent. You make my pussy dry. Yeah. Turkey makes my pussy dry. I do like stuffing. I love the stove top kind. I have a box, you know, with a shit that you just make it home. That's good. We got our sides from whole farts. They were okay. How do you feel about your sides? I thought it was okay. Just kind of okay, right? But we were ultimate lazy people for it, which I'm totally fine with. I'm totally fine with that. Yeah. It's kind of fun to be, you know, super lazy sometimes and not cook. Yeah. We basically didn't cook this year.

We go, there's just too much going on. Yeah. What are you looking at now? What do you mean? What am I looking at? I'm looking at anything. Get the computer. No, I'm not looking at. I'm not looking at anything. What are you talking about? I'm not looking at anything. Anyway, I had a good Thanksgiving jeans. You did? Yeah. I enjoyed it. We didn't really even tear up the steaks that I made though. No. I think we had too much filler before. Too much shit. And we got like two different pies. We got the pecan. We got the pumpkin. Yeah. And then, of course, last night after we went to the movie, we went to PF Chang's, our favorite.

Yeah. Service was better this time. No complaints. It is slow though. It was this time. They have those stupid horses out front. There was like two statues of horses. Yeah. And their tails are cropped. And then their buttholes are shaped like hearts. Have you noticed that? Yeah, because that's where they feed you from, right? When that be the, Tom, I was saying, when that be the best fucking restaurant ever, where you ordered, you're like, I want peanut chicken. And then you have to stand under the horse's asshole and you just open your mouth and then all the food dumps out on your face and on your chest. It'll be the best. It'll be the best restaurant ever. And then what happens is the

food, it falls onto you and onto the floor. Like you never catch all the food. No. It just dumps out like a dump. Yeah. But then people know that like, oh, you just ate. Like they see you and they go, ah, how was it? And you got, I was good. And then someone runs behind you and they go, ah, and they open their mouth and the horse shits out more food. That's what those horses were originally for, was to feed people. And they, but you could put like a tarp on, like a plastic tarp on over your clothes. If you didn't want to get messy that day, you know? True. It's a pretty cool idea. Thanks.

You think they'll, they would take to it or no? Yeah. I think we should definitely pitch this idea to PF Changs. Only when it's super busy inside, it's like, oh, you know, it could be like the to go area. Yeah. We're all backed up. And then chicken lo mein comes out of the horse's ass. Horse's asshole. Yeah. Just noodles and sauces. Yeah. Just dumped out onto your face. You want the sriracha here? What's up? Did he already take it back?

No, no. No. I just wrote to him that Sally, yeah, he didn't write back to that. Okay. Hold on. I have a surprise for us. So hold on one second. All right. So this is a treat, I think. It's been a while. It's been way too long. Yeah. But we finally have him back. Top of my game. It couldn't be better. It's been so long. And I finally got to talk to him today. You know, he's very political guy,

likes to keep up on what's going on. And I got to talk to him about candidates and some world issues. And this is that call with him. So let's talk to my great uncle Bill. Uncle Bill, how are you? I'm doing great, Tom. How are you? I'm doing great. Been a while. Yeah. But it's good hearing from you again.

Yeah. I'm sorry. Are you working? No. I'm actually home now. I'm home. We got this baby coming. So I'm off. That's terrific. I didn't think you had that kind of stuff in you, you know? That's great. That's terrific. Yeah. So yeah, you're going to have another little nephew pretty soon. Oh, that's terrific. Do you have a name on Uncle Bill or just Uncle?

I think we'll go first name, Uncle, middle name, Bill. Yeah. Yeah. I like it. I like it. I like it. You know, one of the things I always, I always go to you when, when there's national news or world issue, I love getting your input. And I know that our listeners appreciate it too. So I wanted to ask you with, you know, there's been, these debates have been airing for the last few months, the GOP debates, the Democratic debates. And, you know, I know you, I would say lean, you lean right slightly. And I wanted to get your take on what do you see in the, in the field there of Republican candidates?

Who do you like? What do you think? Who's the strong person in your eyes? Well, I tell you what, Tom, it's interesting because I started with the Democrats and I looked at that crew. And it looks like the Starship Enterprise. They got Bernie and they got the, the Gash, the East Infection with the years. And then, then I started looking at the Republicans and I was concerned a little bit because they had, what do they have? 39 guys and it's down to 16 now or they had 410. They just had a lot of people and I'm saying, what the hell are these Republicans doing? Everybody's nipping at each other's heels. But then I realized that's a good thing because

it gives an anxious voting public a lot to look at. And you start to hear the pundits saying, you know, the bench is deep. And they're covering all bases. A couple of Spanish guys, they got an Indian guy to just pull the rip cord and dove out. They got that fat man from Jersey, Chris Christie. Yeah. Now, what specifically do you, you know, he's, he's, he's obviously gotten on this roller coaster of popularity ride. What do you think of Donald Trump? What's your opinion of him? Fascinating. He is, as the pundit said, and I would have to agree with it. He struck a court. Yeah. Like his hair. Yes. It looks like spun cotton candy, you know, stuff when you take it, when you won't be doing it just yet, but in a, in a short year or two, you'll have your little guy

with your little girl, uh, out of carnival and you'll be buying that, uh, cotton candy, right? Stuff that's spinning. I like his hair. It looks like cotton candy. It does look a lot like cotton candy. It does. It's, it's fun. It's very fine. I don't know how it's layered. I don't know if you could call it a calm over a calm around a calm circle, a tornado. I don't know what the fuck they call stuff like that, but it's good looking. It looks delicious. He purses his lips. Yes. Every time I see him do that, I kind of get a little, a little tangled down below. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. My scrotum tightens up a tad is my nuts a little hug. Yeah. It's a good look. It's a good look. And

I don't mind if he's a guy, you know, I'm a heterosexual, but I don't mind a guy doing that because it gives me a little tweak. You know, the old scrote gets a little tighter there. I like it. Yeah. So he, he not only inspires you, but he arouses you too, which is good. He arouses me in a lot of ways. He's a very effective speaker. He can say any shit like me and like you, he can say any fucking shit he wants. Yes. About ethnicity, calling the Spanish people stick Jews. The guy's beautiful. Yeah. You call it Joe or Maki and a guy punches you right in the mouth. Yeah. He gets away with it and they love him. His ratings go up. So would you like him in the White House? I don't know. Guy throws a lot of

elbows. He's my kind of guy in that respect. He fuck you up, give you some shit. Yeah. I don't know. I'm a little iffy about it, but I do like the way I have a vision of him handling a guy like Pew. Guy's a little thug. He's a little short thug. Yeah. Yeah. He's had a kid lift and a face lift. A kid lift and a face lift. Yeah. A kid lift and a face lift. He's a little fucking thug. Yeah. His day is gone. You know, KBG, who the fuck are they? I'd like to see a Donald Trump go after him. And I think he'd do a hell of a job. He'd fuck this guy up. Now, do you think that anyone in the field of Republican candidates would be better than who we have now? You mean of the lineup or somebody from the outside? Of the lineup. Yeah. I kind of like

Rubio. You do like him. And I'm starting to like Cruz. Really? Yeah, I do. And the guys, they're starting to make some sense, maybe in a conservative, you know, in a Republican and what not. Yeah. I like those guys. I believe in, you know, some killing. Got to have a little killing once in a while. You've got to do a little elimination. It's called thinning the herd. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Sure. Now, that's not a line. You're a little too much liberal bullshit. Obama, Obama's not big on that, right? Huh? Obama's not big on thinning the herd. No, he's not. He's, he wants to give the little bit of money I make away. Yeah. I tell you, I got into a new business. No. Oh, yeah. Some years ago, I toyed around with

a device, a latex pocket key ring anal tension reliever. And what it is, you put it on the key ring and you cause, and it's basically a latex asshole. And you go down a highway, you're a little bent out of shape. You had a rough day. You're coming home to work. Your boss has been beating you up. All you do is when you drive in the car, you reach up when your keys are stuck in the admission and this latex asshole that's attached to your key ring, you punch it a couple of times, not punch it, but you squeeze it a couple of times. You need it. You need it. Right. Right. You need to surprise how it relieves the tension. And by the time you pull up in the driveway and you get out of your car, you're fucking feeling like a mini bus.

I would love to order one of those. If you'll give me, send me the link after we hang up. You got it, my friend. And there's no charge to you. We're kind of like family. You know what I'm saying? Thanks Uncle Bill. Then we get to break on this stuff. Thank you. I want to ask you one more thing. We have this, you know, it's a pretty, pretty big world issue. And that is the, you know, ISIS or whatever they're calling themselves now, ISIL or IS or the, the, the Syrian terrorist problem these, you know, guys terrorized Paris a few weeks ago and continue to, to, to, to terrorize people since then. What should we do about this situation? Oh, I don't know. These guys are pretty fierce, but I'm one of these guys. They're using terror to scare us. Yeah. How about using a little terror

on them? Yeah. What do you ride in rope? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. What do you do with these guys off in the desert? Take them out, get them in an oasis where there's, you know, little trees, do you ride in rope, little ass fucking straighten them out. I think that would work. I mean, you know, Bronco Billy, Bronco Billy, we were riding and roping out in the bushes. I mean, if you were the president, would you, would you send in the troops right now to handle it? Even what I do, I, I give Israel a warning. Yeah. Go on vacation, try to eat and get everybody out. They get a, the bad guys to get a 30 day notice, 30 days, the game changes. Anybody that fronts, writes checks, supports, gives a stylist that ISIS

or ISIL, whatever the fuck you're calling yourself tomorrow, they get the button, big fucking button. And not, not, I'm not talking about 30 and a half days. I'm not talking about 31 days. I'm being a good guy here. I'm not talking about 29 days, 30 days. You got 30 days. You got 30 days. When the clock hits midnight on the 30th day, boom, you'll watch your head fly through your own asshole. So you're fucked on day 30. I love that. You're not fucked. You're watching your own head fly through your own ass. That'll get your attention. I am guarantee you that when you see your head fly through your own asshole, I love it. I love it. I love it. I'm going to, you know,

we're going to air this and I think that, I think that that, that's a proposal that should make its way through Congress. I really liked that. In fact, I'm going to try to approach them and address them very shortly about this. And I would love to see you on C-SPAN. I might be able to speak in the place I could sell my, my latex pocket asshole, key ring tension. What was the piece? What was the piece? What the fuck? Both are brilliant ideas. Thank you, Uncle Bill. You're welcome, Thomas. That's Uncle Bill. Tim Purdom made that little music intro there. Thank you, Tim.

You know, I respect men of that generation. Our fathers are the same age as your Uncle Bill here. And I think, you know, I do think they're harder on, on bullshit and these terrorists because guys, our dads age, remember bullshit. You know, like my father was born at the end of World War II with the fucking Nazis and the communists ruined his country. Your dad fought in Vietnam back when it was like they dropped your ass in the jungle in a bucket of napalm and you just. We got drafted. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. They're auto responses like, let's go fuck them up. Let's go fuck some shit up, bros, for sure. Yeah. Uncle Bill's the best. I love him. He's, he's, he's right on the money, dude.

He's hilarious. I was trying to get him, trying to egg him on more about the candidates, you know. I know. I got to get him on again. Clinton's a yeast infection. A gash. The gash. Oh, a gash. The gash, the yeast infection with ears. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. I love him. Yeah. He's great, man. He is great. I mean, I like people like that more. Hey, I want to ask you as a woman, sure how you feel about this, this. About your farts. Tell me how you feel about my farts. Tell me how you feel. Tell me how you feel. Tell me if you agree with this or not. Okay, hold on. What's up, y'all? I know it's your boy, Shasta the man. Yeah. Now, a lot of y'all, you know what I'm saying?

You know, I'll put you on to the whip game, put you on to a lot of things about the car game. You got any questions? Highland me. Right now, you know what I'm saying? You and your friends, it's going to open up the world. Women are going to come over here. They're going to be comfortable. I know it sounds silly, but I want y'all to feel me on this right now. Oh yeah, nigga made a pizza. Well, I was hungry. Okay. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Okay. Dang. Now, I know a lot of y'all like, come on, man. Why you got a number of drinks in your shit? Why? So he opened up his fridge and his philosophy is keeping your refrigerator stocked with all different types of drinks is going to open up your get-and-laid game a little

bit. Sure. So here's him commenting on that. I ain't got no fool. I'm going to tell you why. See, when different women come over, different women like different things, my nigga. You know what I'm saying? So like, for the mature, this real talk, for the mature chick, you know, over 30 who still drinks juice, you hit it with the mystic. They always get mystics. I don't know why. Mystic juice. You know what I'm saying? Then the snapples, that's for like the suburban chicks. You know, they come over here. They'd be like, oh my gosh, I city. Like, you don't even need to drink. And then I'm like, yeah, Becky, I got fucking snapple. You have so many flavors. This is crazy. I don't even know what to take. And I'll be like, man,

just whatever you want to take. Yo, you know what I'm saying? Now, the vitamin water, that's for like the chicks, you know what I'm saying? Who stay in shape. You know, they may come over to your crib after they leave the gym shit like that. You know what I'm saying? The smell of ices, you dig. That's for like the chicks who, you know, it's their first time coming over here. They want to get their drink on, but they don't know you well enough to get drunk around you. So they just get their buzz on with the smell of ice. Okay. Now, y'all read. Now, if you're a real nigga, I ain't got to say the cherry coke. That's for the hood chicks. Cause I got flaming hot. And then I hit him with the cherry coke. They in the red boy. That's really for me. I ain't gonna

frunk. I'll be kind of tired in the morning. Then I hit him with the Hawaiian punch, the Sierra Miss, the Pepsi. As you see, the shit goes all the way to the back. Cause there ain't no French. This dude has like a, it's like a seven 11 fridge. I like his thinking. However, I think his examples are incorrect, Tom. Yeah. Let's go down the list. The mature woman wants the mystic. Yeah. I'm not sure what that beverage is. Yeah. Is it like a soda pop? No, it's a juice, but it's like a, it looks like it's kind of the higher end version of a juice drink. I'm going to, I'm going to change that to kombucha. Oh, right. Well, that's like the organic bitch though. That's older bitch, but as older bitches, we like organic. I could afford

a $4 drink. You know what I'm saying? Or a Starbucks. Okay. Well, maybe you just opened up his game a little bit. Maybe he's going to hear this and be like, you know what, Christine, if you want to come over, I got a kombucha for you right here. Or a Frappuccino and bottle. Yeah. Maybe he has that. We're not through his whole fridge yet. Oh, we're not. Okay. Cause can I also make one note? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Snapple is whack as fuck. That's from the nineties. Ain't no bitch drink no Snapple no more. Yeah. I'm thinking a La Cua. You know those sodas. La Cua. See everyone's into those now. Yes. And I think those are lower sugar too. That's somebody who's watching the waistline a little too. Yeah.

And that's a Becky. I think a Becky might drink a La Cua. Yeah. Exactly. Stay stocked with the shit. Arizona ice tea, really for the, for the classy boozy hood chick. Wrong. He said boozy hood. That's what he said. Boozy hood. Yeah. Boozy hood. Also trashy white girls. Yeah. I'll give them that. It's for trash. So she drinks that. Right. Right. Right. Right. Okay. Then the lifting, the green tea, man, that's for the holistic, you know, vegetarian. I don't eat meat. And I got that. You know, and I'm real earthy type, you know, fucking Erica by do chicks, you know what I'm saying? And of course, niggas for the hood chicks. Damn, I got a draw Kool-Aid nigga. What flavor you want? You know what I'm saying? I mean, damn, you know, I might go with the

yeah, I'm gonna get the blue one because as I said, okay, then we got water again for the in shape chicks. You know what I'm saying? We got the Perrier water. Oh, he's got Perrier. So daddy chicks, more vitamin water, shit. Now I'll hold on one more thing. If you a real nigga though, real niggas. Yeah, we're throwing shit. You only got two things in your shit. Sweet baby raised nigga. Yeah, that's a barbecue sauce. And then motherfucking ranch. Of course. I mean, if shit, niggas, we don't eat blue cheese. Black people don't eat blue cheese. We ranch and a look, my dad was over here the other day. He thought I was playing. I can't believe it's not butter, man. This shit, you could drink this shit, man, and it ain't butter.

But I kind of, you know, for the single guy out there, he's trying to, you know, has, I think a stocked fridge with drinks is great. However, I would lean more towards the alcoholic beverages. He needs to do one. He does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's the thing, smirnoff ice. That's for freshman college girls. Right. That's like your Zima. It's pretty young. We don't know how well he might be young though. So it speaks to somebody. Oh, he might be a teenager. No, I don't think he's a teenager, but he could be like early to mid twenties, you know, in which case these drinks are more for the range of the age. The way he said 30, he said it 30, like it's older. Like it's 60. It's 80. Yeah. So that could be, you know.

Tom, you're black. Right. Why the Kool-Aid so much? Why do the blacks love Kool-Aid so much? It's nostalgia, man. It's just people grew up with Kool-Aid. But I too, I'm not black and I love Kool-Aid. You don't have to be black to love Kool-Aid. Kool-Aid is sugar. So like, if you like sugar, you like Kool-Aid. I fucking love Kool-Aid. Yeah. That's, that's all you're doing is saying like, I love the way sweet shit tastes. Sweet shit's the least. Now, it's, you know, it's, it's horrible for you because there's so much sugar in it. But all these, most of the drinks that he showed us are horrifically high in sugar. We're so old. We're so old that we're talking about the sugar content of the drinks. No, but it's true though. You just become aware

of it as you get older. You know, Hawaiian punch, I've always hated. All those things are like fucking gross. Kool-Aid might not even get cherry fucking coke in there. Even those that vitamin, vitamin water is straight sugar water. They're all sugar drinks, man. The worst is that propel. Have you ever had? If you go to this dude's house and you're, you know, trying to have some drinks, I would say drink half of one of those drinks and then have either the water or the Perrier and it's better for you. And then fuck that guy for being so nice to you. He is really nice. I fuck him just for the drink. Jesus. I like, I like, I drink the water of an in shape chick, but I'm not. My beverage choices are dude, Arizona iced tea.

I feel like that's for the person who also drinks those 24 hours. That's so gross to me. The four hour energy. It's so nasty, dude. Most of these drinks, I don't like his drinks. Who drinks four hour energy? I think it's salesman, like car salesman. It's the person that does grocery shopping at a gas station. That's who drinks four hour energy. Like I got stuck up on shit. So the gas station. Have you ever tried that shit? I won't even put it in my mouth. I've never. I know. I'm old school. I'm coffee. I'm a coffee guy. I don't know what the fuck is in that thing. Yeah. I don't like energy drinks. I don't either. I've had the most I've had is a lot of times comedy clubs will have Red Bull sugar free Red Bull. So I'll ask for that

if I'm really fading hard because a comedy club's coffee is always dog shit. It's horrible. It's there. So I'll go there. I'll go. You have coffee and like we could make a pot. Never mind. You have sugar free Red Bull and they're like, yeah, I'll have that just to pet myself up. I've had the exact same. We don't have any, but we'll make some. Why don't you making? Why don't you guys always have coffee? You have a room full of people. I think it's probably no one's requesting it. Honest truth. Those bars have coffee. Yeah. I mean, what would be your ideal if you were stocking your own fridge with a variety drinks? No. Okay. Sure. For dudes. Okay. Let me think. But I also want to know what are your beverage selection or for girls? I don't know. Dudes.

What do you want to make you happy? In other words, what are your selections? And then what would you have out for dudes? All right. For this guy to make me happy, he needs to have wine. Red and white. Yeah. Kombucha. I need bottled water. I like Perrier water. Yeah. Maybe some lemonade. Okay. That's it. That's all I drink. I don't like to coke too much. I don't drink that shit. Yeah. I know what's in your beverage. My beverage drawers? Yeah. What do I have? You love DC, Diet Coke, but in the bottle. You had that in the house. Oh, I like Dr. Pepper. Yeah, you do. Fuck. I love me some Dr. Pepper. It's just good. The glass bottle. I had the

mini glass bottle. Yeah. That's the best. That's always the best, dude. Yeah. The glass bottle of that, then I would have. Ginger ale. I like the little ginger ale. I like flat bottled water. Yeah. Yeah. And then I like soda. I like Perrier. Yeah. Pellegrino. I love all. Can I tell you the best investment we've ever made is the Sparklet's machine in our house right now? We have a Sparklet's machine for flat water. That's the best. And then we have a soda machine to make soda water. Yeah. We have basically our drinks covered. Yeah. But yeah, Vino, every once in a while, it's nice to have that. Oh, yeah. Just give me like a wine, what are those little wine bars, little wine fridges? That's all I want. Yeah. Yeah. That's

what I really want in life. It's just a wine fridge. Well, that'll be in his next fridge. I think he's probably 24, 25. When he turns 30, he'll get a wine fridge. He'll step that shit up. He'll step up the game. Now, for dudes, you love Gatorade. Yeah. I don't have Gatorade a lot. No, but you like it. Yeah. But you know what I like when they see that again, it's not even for health. That shit tastes too sugary. Yeah, too sweet. They made a slightly lower sugar one. It tastes better. But you can't have like even this might be getting older. I can't even handle the big 32 ounce or whatever it is. I have to have a 20 ounce. I know. It's too much. You know, I'm so sweet. I'm so sensitive to sugar now too. Yeah. Like even oatmeal, like the prepackage,

it's so sweet. It gives me a fucking headache. I know. I haven't had a Gatorade in I don't know when last time. But you like the whack. You like whack flavors. No, I don't. Yeah, your flavors are here's what's wack with Gatorade. Yeah, lemon lime. That's the best one. That's the only flavor is the original wack is green fucking like the gross. I love it. I love ice. You know what I loved was the Gatorade gum. Oh, God, I love that. The lemon lime lemon lime. I love it. Gatorade. It's to support ISIS. And then your flavors are wack. You like red. Yeah, gross. Blues even gross. Those are the best Gatorades. Those are Otterpop flavors. Those aren't beverage. Those are the best flavors. Dude, you shouldn't drink anything blue ever.

Not the light. The light blue shit. I don't like that like iceberg or whatever. I like the dark blue like the grapes taste and shit. That's the best Gatorade. That's disgusting. That's the coolest one. It's the best one. Does it make you shit blue? I don't know. I've never looked at my shit. It's so annoying. It's true. It's true. Why do you lie? I'm not lying. Here's what dudes like Gatorade. They don't drink water. Most men don't. I don't know. Younger boys don't drink. When you're young. Dude, our dads do not drink water. My dad drinks fresca and beer and that's it. I've drank water for many, many years. You now. Okay, let's say now. Did you drink water when you were 20s? Yeah, a lot. You were good. I always had bottled water with me. Beer, but like shitty

beer guys like Bud Light and stuff. Yeah, I've become, I like actually rich, heavy beers. Stouts. I like that. I like a, I don't know. That's just the beer that I like more than the light beer shit. I'm just not a fan. Trying to think of the boys like full charge comes over and he always likes whatever beer is in our fridge, like whatever. Stella. Stella, that's a hipster beer. Yeah, he loves Stella. Yeah, you can have a Heine sometimes. Do you know that we have Jell-O packages that Ari brought over like a year ago? He still won't. He brought over like dark cherry Jell-O and I just, I think I just threw it away. I'm like, he's so weird. You know, like I brought you some Jell-O. Like, okay, Napoleon. He hasn't written back since I said it's Sally. Of course

not. So what should I say? Send me that dick pic. I'm waiting. You guys send me that juicy dick or not? What up with that juicy dick? Send and then send him like a tittie or something. Oh yeah, send him a cool picture. Yeah, like a fake one, obviously. Can people tell if they're pulled off the internet? They can, right? I just sent him a cool picture. All right. Here's what guys like. Guys basically live like cockroaches, like my dad. He would be easy to have a fridge for. Just beer, fresca, sausage, horseradish, ham. That's a life fridge for him. That's a life. That's your 18, you're leaving the house and then this will take you till your last day on earth. That would be his fridge. 68 years old. He still eats that way. That would be his fridge. Beer, fresca is for when

you don't want beer. Yeah, to hydrate. Yeah, to hydrate you'd have soda. And then it would be sausage and what else? Horseradish. Maybe some eggs, ham. That's it. Salami, bologna. He has the four food groups. Salami, bologna, hot dog, ham. He's good to go. Never can shit. Yeah. Not fat. Not fat. Yeah, totally. I don't know what his insides are like. His farts and his bowel movement smell. We were talking about this the other day because he used to drink a lot of beer on top of the meats. Oh my God. And then he would take his morning dad dump in the toilet right next to my bedroom as a teenager and the smell would just waft it and wake me up every morning. I didn't have to set my alarm. Are you serious? Yes. You'd smell shit to wake up. My dad dump. My dad's dump.

Yeah, horrendous fucking dumps. And eventually my stepmother would get so mad at him because the smell permeated the entire second floor. She would make him go downstairs and he would have to shit in his own bathroom downstairs. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Well, what do you think that shit smells like? It's probably fierce, man. All processed meats and beer. But I love that that is your alarm clock. You're just lost in La La Land dreaming, kitten purring. And then your dream just turns into a nightmare immediately. Like 7.15, all of a sudden a demon appears in your dream. And when it opens its mouth, its breath comes at you and you're like, then you wake up and it's your dad's, you hear a flush. A dad dump. All dad's dumps are bad though. That's what they're known for. I remember being a

kid the first time you smell your dad's shit. You're like, what in the fuck? Why does it smell so much different than anybody else who uses a toilet before me? Well, that's the thing is that dad's dumps smell different than everyone else's in the house. Yeah. Including your mom. Of course. Who's the same age? Yeah. Theoretically. Nothing like it. Theoretically, their dumps should smell similar because they're both old. Right. The body's been worn down. But no. I mean, my mom, I'd be like, either I wouldn't smell anything or you'd be like, is something there? I can't really tell. She's not much of a pooper. But my dad, when he was done with the toilet and you walk in, whatever you had to do, you put off. You go, I am not, even in an emergency, I could

take this somewhere else. Yeah. It was so horrific. And it lasted a long time. It smelled evil. Just smelled dark and evil. That's a good word for it. Yeah. Evil, dude. And to think that that was inside of someone, Christ. Get your life. Yeah. It's all diet. It's all diet because your dad eats what? Steak. Every night, he likes steak and potatoes. Well, not now. Not now, but back then, yeah. Yeah. That was, it's the meat. I think just an all meat diet makes your shit. Right, because that's your dad too. Yeah. Meat, meat, meat. Meat, meat, and frescus. What do you know about that, that sauce? Which sauce? Is it, is it hard, is it hard to be fresh? If you don't have money, or can you still pull it off? You don't have no money, I still have sauce. You don't got no sauce,

then you're lost. But you also get lost in the sauce. You can get, how you get lost in the sauce? Bitch, man, a bitch gonna get lost in the sauce, man. You know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying, man. I'm not, I'm sprinkling the sauce, dropping sauce. Right, right, right. You know what I'm saying? I dig it. Over those assholes. Some of that sauce, that's big goo whop. I don't know what you're saying, man. Free Gucci doll. I don't know what he means. What's up, Gucci? What's up, man? You gotta get free big goo whop, you know what I'm saying? You ain't shit in the hood. You ain't shit in the mall. Fucking ghetto bitch niggas. Bitch niggas. Bitch niggas. You ain't shit. You ain't shit. You ain't

shit. I like how he gets me anxiety now. Oh, god, he's off. That's what it is. No, no, no meat, just sauce. When you're born, can you be born with sauce or do you? No, you get born with sauce. You get, you get sauce, you get sauce from him. I ain't gonna be born with seasoning. It's stupid. You gotta get seasoning. I went born without the sauce. That's right, though. Hell yeah. I know why I didn't sell it. He's right about that. You can't be born with no seasoning. Most people aren't. Yeah. You gotta get your sauce over the years. Your salt. That's south. That's why old white guys are the fucking best, dude. He had no sauce. Uncle Bill. He doesn't. Your dad, my dad, you got so much seasoning. Yeah. You just say whatever the fuck you want,

dude. Gucci's breaking it down for us, man. Is it Gucci Mane? Yeah, that was Gucci Mane. Huge fan of his work. Huge fan. Huge fan of the south. I kind of want to live that Gucci's, that lifestyle right now, you know? I think you are. No, but I want to get like all gold fronts. I want to get like, I feel like he really, he embraces it where he does, you know, like eight diamond chains and the shades on and like the Gucci, you know, diamond loafers and shit. I just want to like buy into that for a minute, you know? Just kind of ride that for a few months to see what it's like. I think now's the time. This is the time, right? There's no better time than the now. Yeah, the time is now. The time is now. We'll do it. Yeah, I think you're

right. But how much would you spend on your gold fronts? Let's be clear. I wouldn't go crazy with it. I wouldn't go crazy with it. You know, I mean, you have to give them, you know, you know, like you got to have something that represents you well, you know, well, because everybody knows and all the rappers and athletes know the best thing to invest in is customized jewelry. Yeah. You always want to spend $50,000, $70,000 on like a Tommy Buns necklace or grill piece. Excellent resale. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. That's what I'm, that's exact. So we're speaking the same language. Same language. I'm on board. Yeah. You're saying, you're saying, take the camera. The time is now. The time is now. The time is now. You're right.

You need some more chains. I think you need to invest in gold chains, Tom. Yes. The camera. The time is now. So I'm going to do it. I'm going to get some change. I'm going to get some, you know, shit hanging from. That shit is nothing, dude. Jewelry and all that. You're flipping on me right now. Why are you flipping? Well, I was joking with you. What? You were fucking with me? It was. Yeah. That's not nice. I mean, I'm not going to get all crazy diamond ones, but I'm going to, you know, I'm going to kind of test the water, test the market a little bit. You cool with that or what? Well, because that was cool to do at 10 years ago, grills, right? So now you're talking about like the Paul Wall grills and stuff. Right.

So you're kind of bringing it back your way. Right. Right. Okay. No, I'm on board. Let's go do right now. Okay. Hold on one second. Hold on a second. Okay. All right. But I still, I had to pee now. I'm like you now. I got to pee. Good. How was it? Did you push hard? Oh God, it was so much. Really? We've been hydrating? Yeah. I mean, I hydrate, you know, I do my thing. I gotta try to step to me today. You had what? I had a guy try to step to me today. How'd it go? Well, I was eating a salad on the sidewalk there. I was sitting outside just enjoying God's beautiful Sunday. That's not Sunday. God's beautiful day. And this dude just walked up to me and he's like, so salad looks good. And I was like, yep. How much is it? Did we talk about this already?

Yeah. I'm just sharing it with our listeners. Oh, you talk about this on the show? No, no. This was before. Oh. And I was like, I don't know how much is the salad. I'm like, I don't know, man. There's menus inside of there. And he's like, oh, I'm sorry. That was his game, though? I think so, because, you know, that salad looks good. That's definitely. That's a good one. It's a good one. You prefer sweetener Splenda. Yeah, that's like dad game. Yeah. No, he was a younger, you know, gentleman, gentleman, gentleman. He was hoping that next, next move would be Oh, yeah, there it is. Oh, God, the nerd. Okay. Oh, man. Oh, okay. Oh, he is the worst. The worst. This guy, I hope this was his one and only porn scene. What a

fucking retard. Oh, yeah. It feels so good. It feels so good when you're like, oh my God. I never thought this would happen before. By the way, a lot of pushbacks. Oh my God. Okay. All right. Oh my God. On my pronunciation of Fedex apparently. Oh, how did we not address this? I don't know, but I don't. We were bombarded with responses about this. Yeah. What the fuck? What the fuck is that I would say 99% of people said that you're out of your mind that it's obviously clearly Fedex. No. But the only fucking monkey wrench in this whole thing is that a Fedex employee responded that Fedex is correct. I knew it. You know why? Because it's one word, Fedex. No, it's not. It's one fucking word, man. No, it's two words. It's Federal Express.

No, but the logo is Fedex. It's one word. No, it's Fedex. No, it's not. It's one word. Look at the logo, bro. It's one. I'm pulling up the logo. Word, bro. Fedex. Yes, Fedex. No, and they even capitalize the E to let you know that it's Fedex. But it's mashed together. Right. But they're giving the capital to let you know the inflection would change there. Bro, all I need to know is that a Fedex employee backed me on it. One, other one said you were out of your mind and they worked there too. I think it was some guy who was just trying to troll. Whatever. He was. It's not Fedex. Of course, it's Fedex. I love using Fedex to ship things though. I think Fedex is the best. They are. Fedex is the best. Fedex is the best. What happened to Kiko's? Did they all go out of

business? I don't know. I haven't seen one in like 10 years. What do you mean? We went to that one together. Kiko's? Yeah, that's where I parked and ran in there and Fedexed something across the town. In Canada. Right down the street here. That's not. That's Fedex. Fedex, Kiko's. Oh, they merge. Oh, Fedex. I don't know. Is Kiko's not a thing anymore? I haven't seen one in forever. In Canada, we tried going to one, I think. Remember it was shut down. Well, maybe like Fedex owns it now, but it still does. Fedex owns it. Yes. Yes. It's called a Fedex office print and ship center. Oh. So that's an old Kink, but I guess they own that shit, right? Yeah, when you type in Kiko's, Fedex comes up. Oh, okay. There you go. Fedex. Fedex.

All right. Well, that is just the most ridiculous thing ever. Okay. Oh, right there. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, right there. Oh, it tastes like you're pussy. Oh, God. What a fucking nerd alert. All right. I got to go jerk off to this. Anything else, Jeans? Nothing. Would you really drink off to that clip? No, but I would watch the whole thing because it's funny. Oh my gosh. Anything else? No, I love you. All right. I love you. I love you guys. Thanks for listening. That wasn't convincing. I love you. Really? You're like, you're like, all right, I love you. I love you. Thank you. That's better. I love our little beautiful guppies out there. Oh,

beautiful guppies. Beautiful guppies. Thank you for listening to the show. Your mom's house podcast.com is the site and we'll be back in a week again. Big shout out to Tim Perdom for making this Uncle Bill song, which we'll leave you with. And that's it. See you in a week. Bye, guys. Top of my game. Top of my game. Top of my game. Top of my game.