Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 322-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 16, 2015

Is Baby Jeans here?! You'll just have to listen to find out! What happens when you get AIDS from someone and you see them on public transit? You gotta call them out, yo!  RIP Greg Giraldo Plus the KING has been in hiding for a while and now we have confirmation that he's BACK!  And Tommy insists that his DJing will pay off in the future, I mean, listen to what Paris Hilton is doing. You get to decide if its good. 

Yeah, me me me me me me, yeah, yeah. It's time to play jeans. Me me me me me, yeah. Um, December, getting closer to Mary Jean's Men's. Silly. Um, in just a couple weeks, it'll be New Year's Jeans. And I will be at the Improv in Braia, California, doing a full week in the shows, including two on New Year's Eve.

So come see me at the Braia Improv the 31st through the, I think, 2nd or 3rd? Through the 2nd, yes. Okay. I just looked at your calendar yesterday. Thank you. Through the 2nd. So there's two shows on New Year's Eve, one Friday, two Saturday, one Sunday. That's how it goes.

Braia Improv, and then January, I'm going to the great city of Denver. I am at the Comedy Works Downtown Club. Those tickets are moving, by the way. It's a city that gets on it. So please get your tickets now if you're planning on coming to a show. And then later in January, I'll be at Flappers for a full weekend of shows here in Los Angeles. Flappers is in Burbank. It's pronounced Flappers.

Oh, Flappers in Burbank, California. In Burstbank, California, and I'm doing shows there. All the tickets, tomcigarette.com, go to the shows page, and there are links to every one of those tickets. And there's a few other cities, I think, already on sale for February, too. Do you have anything coming up? Anything going on? Anything in your life?

Well, aside from a human being coming out of me on Monday, which is really exciting. December 14th will be our baby's birthday. I'm really excited. After that, listen to That's Deep, Bro. I have a podcast coming up. I just did Why Bother Getting Married, because why do people get married in this day and age when they can just get sex for free on apps? On Tinder?

Yeah. Did I got Tinder down? Did I do well to figure it out? No, I'm rocking it. Are you, like, Tinder dad? Is that your cool handle? Yeah, I'm Tinder vape dad. You got a vape pen in my mouth.

I'm Tindering. I'm swiping. You're doing all kinds. Live life. So, that's deepropodcast.com. I'm doing anxiety this week, because so many people have anxiety, I thought it'd be a great topic to do. Man, I got to listen to that one.

I think you and I can, we specialize in anxiety. Man, all right. Other than that, guys, I'm pretty much here. Maybe in March, I'll kick up at the comedy store, and then in April, I'm going to do some local. I'll do Flapeirs in April, and then in May. Be great. There's a comedy store in La Jolla.

But that's down the road. I love it. I love you. Listen. It is Christmas. Yeah. It is upon us. Hanukkah is upon us.

Christmas. You're going to have to do your, I know I'm going to throw up a mailman. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Please use our Amazon banner. I really implore you to. I know there's a lot of podcasts you can choose from, but we really hope you choose ours.

And yeah, do your Christmas shopping online. Is there any other way than shopping on Amazon and having it shipped? Don't pack it in your suitcase. Don't be that guy. So go to yourmomshousepodcast.com. Click on our Amazon banner at the bottom of the homepage. Do your shopping as you normally would. Book.

Mark it. It's a nice way so that you never, ever, ever, ever, ever forget your mommies. There you go. Thanks, Jeans. And thanks for the support with that. And of course, like I mentioned in the last episode, thank you to all the subcane orders. Oh, yeah. Very much appreciated.

You guys are really cool for supporting us like that. You ready to do the show? Hell yeah. To the yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm acting stupid. You fucking gave me eggs. You gave me fucking eggs. You got eggs from nothing.

No, no. I know. No, I got fucking eggs from you. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. No mom in the fucking stand. Welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitza. Christina Pajitza. Welcome to your mom's house. How many times have you gotten burned by the AIDS and you had to confront somebody on a public bus like that?

It's happened. It's very New York. Yeah. I think Greg Giraldo had the joke. Dude, I just typed in. I just was looking for it. Yo, Monica. Yo, Monica.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God, that has to be one of my favorite bits of Giraldo. It's so funny. What's it? What's the bit called? It's called Yo, Monica, You Got AIDS.

That's what it's called? Yeah. On the album, I think it's You Got AIDS or Yo, Monica, You Got AIDS. Yeah, man. Yeah, find it. I think it's on Midlife Vices. Yeah, it is on that. It's a very opening of the album when he talks about New York City.

Oh, then this might be, it might be on here then. Yeah. And then he talks about the Puerto Rican Pride Parade. He goes, everybody talks about the negative aspects. What about the positive messages, particularly to women? Like you're never too fat to wear a tube top. He was so good. So good.

So good. Yeah. Comedian. He was such a good comic. He was so gifted, man. And a nice guy, too. Smart. Really smart.

Really smart. We're talking Harvard Law Smart, I think, right? Yeah, he went to law school. Harvard. Yeah, I know. I know. Yeah. I know.

Drogas, man. Los Drogas. Los Drogas will do it. Fuck me. Did you find the bit? Well, I'm seeing it. Let's see if it's here. Let me see.

He just walked on stage. So is it at the very beginning? No, it's like two or three, Joe. The first 15 minutes. Oh, 15 minutes. About in New York. He opens by talking about how crazy and serious. Bro, you said 15 minutes.

Come on, man. You know what I'm saying? Here, play it. I'll tell you. The characters that we see in this city every single day. I was in a subway the other day. This is it. I know these homeless guys singing acapella.

Oh, acapella. Happiest shit. There's not the bit, but... They're homeless singing acapella, shaking a cup. I thought, how did these guys even meet? It's hard enough to form a band when you have a house and a phone and all that kind of shit. We bump into other acapella enthusiasts when you're out there on the homeless trail. You think you're just sitting around the shelter one day?

I need some crack. Me too. Me three. Wait, wait. Try the next bit. Try the next bit. Well, hold on. Let's make sure that...

Let's see if she was inspired. Don't tell me something stupid. Hold on. I want to make sure I got it right. Me two. Me three. That's funny, man. He was so good.

People talk to each other in this city in a way that's just not normal. I was stopped at a light the other day. These two guys are unloading a truck. One guy looks at the other guy. He goes, Hakuna Matata, motherfucker from the motherfucking lion king. Hakuna Matata, motherfucker. What could have possibly preceded that part of the conversation? What kind of, what's your favorite Disney cartoon song debate ends up with Hakuna Matata

and motherfucker in the same sentence? That must have just built all day long. That song sucks, man. I like the other one for that. Under the sea, under the sea. Ah, man, Hakuna Matata. Don't be a fucking pussy, all right? It's under the sea, under the sea.

Is it after this? I think it's in this chunk. And I thought, wow, that's... That's it. That's it. Yo, Monica. Yeah, that is... Yeah, that is...

Fuck up. This is after you. I was in a subway the other day. This guy screams across the tracks. Screams across the tracks. He goes, yo, Monica! Yo, Monica! Yo, you got AIDS, yo!

And I thought, wow, that's how they tell ya. Yeah, that is a song of subway. You fucking gave me AIDS! You gave me fucking AIDS! No, no! I know! No, I got fucking AIDS from you! Yo, Monica!

Yo, you got AIDS, yo! I got fucking AIDS from you! No, no. No, no, no, no, no. You just put it down, no, no, no. You're not gonna put this on me! You fucking gave me AIDS! You gave me fucking AIDS!

No, what do you want me to do? No, don't tell me, chill! I must chill! I must chill! She's really hyped up about it. I didn't know you get that upset when you found out you had AIDS. She's really upset. You think?

You think she's overreacting? Totally. God, chill. What's the big deal? And she is doing this shit really publicly. This subway is packed. Well, I was gonna say, is this New York? I'm assuming.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is one thing we lack as a city of Los Angeles, is the endless display of entertainment on New York public subway systems. Well, we have public transit here, but... It's nothing. It's not like this. People fight in public in New York City.

It's the best. Yeah, it's pretty great. And this is... God! And how long does she get mad about this? Get over it, you know? She's like choking him. She's going after him.

What are you going to do now? What are you going to do now, AIDS? That's it. That's it? What? I'm going to move on. What, are you going to give it to other people? Yeah.

I know, boy. Yeah, I'm going to give it to him and him and him and all of them. And all you men are the same. Fucking trapezoid rats. Droughty eyes. That's all you men do. Just fuck around.

That's all you men do. Just fuck around. Fucking nasty rats. Whoa. She's dropping out. What is she, uh, from like the... Dindies. Oh, no, no, no.

That's Alabama or Arkansas, I was thinking. Oh, her accent? Yeah. Yeah, sorry, you're right. Get off of me. Southern, clearly. Get off of me. Get off of me.

Get off of me. Get off of me. Get off of me. Get off of me. Get off of me. Get off of me. I think she still likes him a lot. It sounds like it.

I think she's really into him. She's like, we both have AIDS. Now we can fuck. Yeah. Now that I have it from you, we're a good match. Kind of, right? We both got AIDS, yo. That's how she should have said it, yo.

Yeah, we both got AIDS now. We both got AIDS, yo. Don't tell me to chill. Don't tell me to chill. But is that infuriating when someone tells you to chill when you're that fired up? Of course. It's the worst thing someone can say to you. Relax, calm down, chill out.

If you're really... Nothing is more aggravating. It makes you 10 times angrier. Of course. Then you want to fucking choke that person out. Of course. You definitely got AIDS. Got me AIDS.

Seriously though, how many times have you had AIDS? Like... Nah, I haven't had AIDS before. I want... How many other STDs have you had though? I've been burned by gonorrhea a couple of times and then... A couple? Yeah.

Like in college? Yeah. In Hickory? Clap. Do you know who gave it to you? Nah. Alright, we're going way back. There's a couple scally wagons that I'm sure I...

You know, shouldn't have gone in there at all. But yeah. Got burned. Yeah. That's how you say you got burnt by gonorrhea? Yeah. That's classy. Yeah.

I've never been burned. Yeah? No. Clean. My badge is clean. Yeah, I think... Never got burned by anything? No.

God. No, I was too... I was afraid. I barely even used my cooch in college. I was so afraid of STDs. Yeah. I don't know. What else did I have back then?

A couple genital warts. Those don't go away. Whoa. I mean, now they have a vaccine for all that stuff, which is pretty crazy. For warts, I mean. Yeah. How cool is that? I bet you wish you had that so you could throw it around more.

Yeah, I wish. Man, you can really do that now, huh? Yeah. No, they give it to your kids when they're young. I saw it in our pediatrician's office. They can vaccine your kid, immunize your kid when he's like, I don't know, 11? Which is about the time the kids start fucking. Am I right?

We got to do that for him, for sure. Of course we are. Dude, throw your dick around a little bit. I'll give him that father-son talk. Is that what vape dad would say? Yeah. Vape dad would pull out his vape pen, take a couple pulls and go, I need to talk to you. I need to talk to you about getting burned by God in real, like your dad did so funny.

Did your dad ever talk to you about STDs and stuff? No, they did the worst job. The worst job with any sex talk. My family was disastrous. Not even your dad. I figured your dad would be more open. No. Nothing.

Terrible. Terrible. I think they just were just old school with that, just super conservative. It would have been nice looking back to have a little bit of a talk at some point. Just wear a condom. Yeah, or just like, here's what's kind of normal. I don't know. I don't want to have graphic sex talks with them, but oh, that reminds me.

My parents are going to be out here. I'm thinking of doing a podcast with them. It's a great idea. Yeah, so I think we need to, we need to get Charo to get upset about when you guys talk about farts. That's the whole goal. That's the most fun. By the way, there should be, if you want to ask my parents something, send an email,

your mom's podcast at gmail.com. It's not your mom's house podcast. It's your mom's podcast at gmail.com. Send a question for them, but the subject line has to be Charo Tom. That's what it's got to say. C-H-A-R-O-T-O-M. Charo Tom. So I'll know that it's a question to ask them.

I'll do a segment with them where I go, here's some listeners submitted questions for you guys. Were we on the phone with them recently for the show and she was so angry? Yeah, that was a few episodes ago. Oh, no, that's going to air still, I think, right? Oh, we haven't aired that one yet. I don't think, we did another thing you'll see coming up because the baby's, I can't believe we just jumped over that, by the way.

You mentioned that the baby's coming. Big deal. Yeah, big deal. It's like getting a cat, cares. So we're going to be not in here, but we've done episodes so that stuff will still air. Yeah, we've banked some for you guys so that we don't abandon our real mommies, our teens. Yeah, our little teens. You guys are first children, you know?

Yeah, of course. So it'll still be, you know, episodes coming. It's going to be all over. The references will probably be talking about stuff that's, you know, three weeks old because we did it a while ago. Sorry. It'll still be good. But yeah, there's on Monday.

Well, how many sound effects do you think it's worth, what we're about to do? Just one. Mostly because I don't know where the other ones are right now. Oh, can you find the cat eating the cat eating kibble? Oh, that is my favorite one. Really? So stupid. Yeah.

Okay, sure. I love the cat eating the kibble. All right. That's major news. You had to have a cat eating. Yeah, sure. Those rocks. That's your favorite one?

Yeah. It's so dumb to find it. He gets me every time because it's so hard. The chip to the bowl and cat eating. Doesn't it sound impossibly hard to eat that? Whatever he's eating, his little rocks. Yeah, that's what they eat every time too. Oh, no, because some cats eat wet food.

That makes their poopy wet too, I think. You had a cat. A cat is a kid. But I know for dogs, I don't want to feed our dogs that wet shit because then they get diarrhea all the time. It's hard enough to keep them from eating rocks and berries outside and shit. And then they just have squirrely dutes all the time. She doesn't care.

Barf everywhere. The little one doesn't give a fuck what she finds. Schnitzel walked in with a rock in her mouth. Did you want me to fuck up your life? I'm here. Yeah, she's ridiculous. I saw you guys are relaxing. Would you like me to lick your face or your neck?

Would you like me to chew this paper towel apart? What an asshole. Such an asshole. Do you want to? Yeah, okay, so guess what guys? Monday, this baby's going to drop. I'm very excited. We're very excited, right Tom?

Extremely, of course. Now, it is a Monday and I know that Monday night football is going to be an issue. It's not going to be an issue. Here's why. We're not going to deliver during that window probably. I might miss the beginning. What time does it start? Around the same time.

So, because it'll probably start, kickoff is probably five our time. But basically, I'll be back right away and then I can go back and watch the rest of it. Well, that's perfect. There's no DVR so you can't ask me to record it. It's a hospital. The good news is there's probably one in the operating room, one in... There's definitely one on. I'm definitely going to ask them to have it on too.

Oh my God. What? You don't want to watch the game while we're doing this? It's a good distraction. I'm going to have divorce papers set. Touchdown. He dropped it. Babe.

Oh, fumble. Like that? That is so stupid. I think it's a good idea. Yeah. I think it's a good idea. I'm super excited, man. I'm ready to not be pregnant anymore.

That's for sure. Do you want to tell him his name? Oh my God. Are we going to announce our baby's name to the world right now? I don't know. I mean, this is going to come out right after he's born. Oh my God. It's up to you.

It's up to you. I can't make a big decision like that. Why? It's little jeans. McJeansy Futs. It's Dr. Little Jeans. First name is Dr. Middle name is Little Jeansy.

We named it after Kane. Big Daddy Kane. That's his name. Little Big Daddy Kane. Little Big Daddy Kane. Yeah. Yep. I'm excited.

You tell him. You tell him. You tell him. You tell him. I told the news of the birth. You tell the news of the name. Little Baby's name. Little Baby's name.

Little Boy's name. Is? King Ash River. He's back in the news, by the way. He is? Yeah. Oh yeah. Sorry.

He is. I forgot. Wait, but you gotta say the name. Oh yeah. I'm sorry. I got distracted. The baby's name is Ellis. Yeah.

Ellis is his name. Ellis Thomas. Ellis Thomas Sugara. I'm excited. E-L-L-I-S. Like the island. Like Ellis Island. Yeah.

Yeah. I can't wait to meet him. He's really kicking up a storm today. Yeah. It's just really gonna be something. Man. Do me a favor. Don't look at me.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. There's another subway lady. She's talking to nobody. Of course. Sorry. Thank you.

Thank you. I feel in public all the time when people look at me. But I don't say it out loud, but I feel that same way. Yeah. Is that mental illness? No. I hate people staring at me. Yeah.

That's not mental illness. It's totally normal, babe. Okay. How excited are you to have this baby? It's whatever. It's cool. I mean, how excited am I about eating a sandwich? It's the same level, right?

Was I having a child? Your first year only? I mean, only you're gonna be back in the fucking... No. ...mix of things pretty soon with the second one. Babe. Yeah. No, dude.

Yes. And no, I'm old. Yes, you are. No. You're fine. Yes. No, you know. No.

You know. You know what I'm saying? No. You can. Yes. I'm too old for a second one, boo. No. This is it.

No. One and done. Babe. Not cool. Don't be like that. It's not cool. Don't be like that? Yeah, don't say that.

It's terrible. So far, we've done AIDS and Tards. No. No. No. He's gonna be fine. No. You're gonna have...

No, he's not retarded. Yeah. Well... We've done all the tests you can. Jesus Christ. Yeah, my God. I don't even talk like that. No, I know.

I know. I just don't even talk like that. Do you think you'll stay with me for like the entire time I'm in the hospital or... Like, I know you gotta meet other dads and go do your thing. Do you have DJ gigs? All my gigs are set up for the last week of the year. It's weird that you didn't read off your dates for your DJing stuff. Well, I'm gonna be DJing at a lot of my stand-up shows.

A lot of them are gonna be... They're gonna be fire, man. Yeah. Okay. Because what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna drop the mic and go behind a curtain and I'll have all my tables set up and then I start spinning right away. Oh, so cool. So the show, the first show leads into the second show.

Oh, so cool. Yeah. Do you know that I think Paris Hilton probably makes more money as a DJ than we ever will in our entire careers combined? So wild. So she... I remember that. She picked it up.

She's a legit DJ now. Yeah. And you're shitting on my DJ. But here's the thing, because I can't tell who's good and who sucks. Is she good by any... I don't know, because I haven't heard any of her stuff. I'm assuming that it's not the best. Can we find some?

Can we Google it? Yeah, I mean, we can Google it. I'm like, let's listen to some of her cool raps or whatever. Cool raps. But she doesn't rap over it. She just like... DJ just spin things, right? Yeah.

Into each other. They're like, so what's the talent of a DJ? Is it like you're mixing beats together in certain parts? Yeah. And that's the skill. And you're getting... I mean, you're trying to make the crowd go wild, man. So you're trying to get the crowd all crazy and get those beats overlapped to the next

year. Well, I mean, every... Right. You know, different DJs, but have a specific style. But the whole thing is, yeah, you want it to sound a certain... You want it to flow a certain way. Right. Something to sound like this doesn't mix at all with what's coming up next.

So wait, does DJ DadMouth, do you cater just to a dad audience or can other women on dads come? No. A full poly by, like, desirable, whatever orientation and gender is welcome. Everybody's welcome. Dads. Transgender. Poly by.

Transgender. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. Here's Paris walking up to her turntables with full security. This isn't her act. Here she is. I'm so excited to be here at Eden Plage, the hottest new beach club in Saint-Tropez. You guys ready to have a good time?

Good. All right. This is my first time back in Saint-Tropez this summer. One of my favorite places to come. This is my teenager. Everybody, everybody goes to Saint-Tropez. That she just hooked up some cables and computers and is now legit, probably getting, I mean, obviously she gets paid because of the celebrity status.

Yes. You know, it's a, that's what draws the people there. Yeah. But that she's like, I'm a DJ now. Can I tell you something? I want a shit on her. Yeah. I think of all the people that know this type of music and this dumb scene.

It's her. She's the type of ding-dong who's been listening to this idiot music for years. Right. Yeah. This is her forte, is this dumb shit? You want to hear what she does or no? Yeah, I would love to hear that. She's holding a mic with one hand and she's pressing some buttons right now.

I think she's about to get, yeah, she's about to get the party started. Oh shit. Let's do this. This is Hungary. Yeah. 1993. Dancing, dancing. Oh my God, kill me.

This is it. Probably got six figures for this set. This is so easy. Other jumping around. Oh, I know this song. I like this one. Yeah. This is so Euro trash.

So Euro. Oh yeah, feel us. You. Yeah. I like this. Yeah. There you go. And then so people just stand and watch her.

And then they get fucked up, right? They do drums and stuff. Yeah. Yeah, it's like kind of a dumb, dumb scene. And she's kind of a dumb, dumb. It's perfect. Yeah. I mean, you don't think I could do this?

No way. You could listen. If she can do it, you master this. That's what I'm saying, man. No, I've changed my mind completely. I've revised my opinions. Oh, you got it. I just did it.

Just doing my first gig right now. I'm doing it. I'm doing exactly what you just did. Break my glow stick. Yeah. Is everybody having a good time out there? Woo. Yeah.

Let's have some fun right now. All right. I haven't been back to Satcho Pass since I was like 13. It's so good to be back here. I'm doing pretty good. Those are good six figures. Yeah. For that horseshit.

Motherfucker. Fuck, dude. For that nonsense. That no talent. Wow. That is the ultimate gig, right? It's like, that is the fucking dumbest thing ever to do for a living. God damn it, man.

We fucked up. Fucked up trying to do the stand-up thing. I know. I'll have to use my brain. You can just play this fucking gay disco music. It's really just shitty disco, right? It's like this ages version of crappy disco. Crazy.

Yeah. Because there's like a handful of songs like this that are good. Like that one's good. I don't know what's going on. One thing I have to learn is what all the knobs are. So I always say a lot of knob turning. I'm used to just the mixer going from one table to the next. Sure.

But now it's like. Well, you got to buy it. Well, I'm going to buy it. But I'm just saying, I don't even know what the knobs do. I feel like it's a space station. All these little knobs. Okay. Oh, I like this one too.

So that's. I don't care. Yeah. I love it. I love it. Oh, don't care. Yeah. That's a good tune.

Yeah. So. Do you feel like I could do this though? No, I know you could do it because you have half a brain in your head. And, you know, Yeah. Paris has much less brains than you. You could definitely do this.

I could do this. I love it. Oh my God. Santa Pat. How fucking pretentious to to be like, I bet Cubic has as I was a cat. I don't even know where Santa Pay is. Do you? We certainly didn't vacation there every year as a kid.

Yeah. It's some fucking frog place. I know that. Is that the same as Mexico? Because that's where I would go. Yeah. It's off the coast of France, right? Sure.

I don't even know. Oh, I don't care. I love it. I love it. Is that the. It's a fun song. Who sings that? You're asking me.

I'm the lamest when it comes to this current anything current. I have no idea, dude. I think it's death cab for cutie. No, it's not death cab for cutie. It's not. No, this isn't the. Let's see. But now you get the skill, right?

What I have to do when I'm right. Yeah. That's not it, right? Oh, I don't care. Can you pause? I have to pee. Pause. You got it.

Okay. Don't be surprised. I'm giving birth on Monday. How was your pee? It was good. I sat down and just kind of fell out of me, you know. Oh, that's so great. Yeah.

Sorry. I'm just kind of working out my next set. Yeah. Don't distract me. Oh, I like it. Yeah. It's good. You like it?

I like this song. Oh, wait a minute. But here's my prompt. See, no, no. See, I was enjoying the other song. Oh, okay. Well, I'm a DJ. That's why I hate DJs.

I was enjoying. Yeah, this is the song I want. And then they fuck it up by mixing it with a song I don't. Yeah, see. Well, I've been DJing a long time. Yeah. Oh, my God. This is a reminds me of a set I did in central pay one time.

Anyways, at a phone party. Yeah, it was a phone party. We had the best time 1994. You brought you brought up that. King Ash Ripper. You just down to like Steven Siegel. Of course I did.

So much. Oh, my God. But do you see why I don't like the spinning? Because they take the song you like and play it for two seconds. And then they play a shoot. It's infuriating, of course. I was enjoying that. Because basically you don't want to go to a live DJ set.

You want to just hear the song you like. Yeah. Just play a song I like. Well, I don't want to really burst your bubble. But you're not invited to central pay. That's just not your vibe. I don't want you to bring the vibe down. The vibe is different.

Stupid. I could come to central pay. I don't think it's your vibe, dog. I don't think you'll like it as much. Whatever. I don't think you'll want to go to your dumb DJ gig anyways. Okay. Then don't come.

Don't come. I'm going to start. You know what? If you do that, I'm going to start writing slam poetry. The people don't seem like they're really flipping out at her set though. No, they just came to see it. Paracelta. Yeah.

Did you hear me though? Say it again. I am starting slam poetry. I'm going to be on Russell Simmons. Deaf poetry jam. That's back. Yeah. It's never gone away.

And I'm going to be a slam poet. Okay. What do you think of that? I think it's a great idea. I love slam poetry. Don't you? Mm-hmm. Bang.

Crash. Pow. My essence. My femininity. My vagina will open on Monday. Yeah. Push forth. Ellis Thomas.

You were begging for hi. I'm a slut. And science disagrees, but let's ignore anatomy and joke that my vagina is wide enough to fit the entire football team. Wow. Or even your narcissism, but no one is big enough for that. You think an orgasm for you is like oxygen for me. Like when I am going down on you, I am actually sucking up life, retrieving my very soul.

I'm going to throw up. Can we stop? It's unbearable. It's so hard. Yeah. I would say DJing, slam poetry. Those are my two least favorite things to watch. Oh, that in musicals too.

I hate musicals. Well, is there something that you do like to watch a lot? Something that's more exciting to you? Yes. Yes. You nailed it. He's farting on a pie. Of course he is.

He's back. Yeah. He's back. He's back. So he never left us. Well, it's now Harry Gross Glutton. This was uploaded just a few days ago, so it seems like it's fresh, you know. So we're back in the fold is what you're saying.

Yeah. Somebody posted on this video. I wonder if he's ever shit himself. Did he reply? I do. Thanks for the question. Next question. Oh, and the next thing, the next post says, get on your mom's house podcast.

Yeah, man. Keep your jeans high and tight. He's never. I feel like he's the ungettable guest. Yeah, he just not. He's not into fame and fortune. He disappeared after we mentioned him on Rogan. He couldn't handle the fame and the fortune.

Okay. Somebody says, hey, can I message you somewhere? He said here or private messaging on YouTube. What is YouTube? And then someone said, can I email you? And he said, message me on Google Plus. All right. Well, that's what all he's saying.

The YouTube account is, let's see, it's Harry Gross Glutton is the new YouTube account. Harry Gross Glutton. All one word. Harry Gross Glutton. Man, it's really bothering me that we can't even get a response. Yeah. I don't know why he's being like this. He's big time.

But this is a new seven and a half minute video of just. Of course. Just him eating, burping, and of course farting. Yeah. Oh, we're getting the couch one where the legs lift up. I love it. Sometimes you get one thumb. Sometimes you get two thumbs up.

He knows the code. Yeah. I like when he's perched. Looked like he's perched on his tippy toes. Like a coquettish nymphet. But he's still, he's the king. Wow. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah. He's drinking. He's drinking a 40 ounce right now. He might get a double pipe classic in here. You know, with all the. You know, that's really interesting. Is that.

I don't want to know his words, you know. Yeah. He said, this is the one where he sets up walking through the kitchen. I love that bit. Yeah. I love that bit. And then he, he'll say, I want to see what I can find. And then as he looks for something, he'll fart.

Whoops. Yeah. I like that bit. Yeah. He's looking through a cabinet right now. You get the idea. I like when he plays. Yeah.

Dumb like that. Yeah. What? I just fart. I bent over. Are the fridge looking when he's like, what's in the fridge? Yeah. What's over here?

Let's see. Oh God. Oh my God. Oh my God. What? What's wrong? You're turning your head away. I know.

It's just a lot. He's a. Fuck. Yeah. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Correct me if I'm wrong, Tom, that all of his YouTube videos were taken down. He's always on the run. You can never really lock him down. I mean, he's, he's basically the Jason Bourne of social videos. Right. Right. You think he's, is he in Germany?

No. He's in fucking Brussels. And he's in, you know, he's in Spain. He's got all these passports. Yeah. He's always jumping. And then there's new account names, but then there's always new content. He never repeats the content.

It's always new content. Similar theme though, thematically the same. Thematically, but. Presentation varies. We can't lock Bourne. Where's Bourne? That's basically what we're watching right now. And yeah.

Is Bourne right outside looking through the window? Maybe. Maybe he's in Michigan. I don't fucking know. Or maybe he's in his parents' basement still. Yeah. I feel like this is his place now. You think he moved out?

He got his own pad. I don't know. This is a different kitchen. So then this is his own pad. He's making money on YouTube, hopefully. Hopefully. Let's see. This is him looking in the fridge.

Oh, he got in the fucking fridge. Yeah. A fucking beer. Beer. There you go. Oh, fuck. Wow. Merry Christmas, guys.

Yeah. This is the greatest gift any of us will get. Oh, wow. And this, this, oh man, holy Christ, oh shit. This account has the video of you and I and Joe talking about him in his. Oh, great. In a fart in your face or in Harry and Gross? It's under Harry Gross Glutton.

He has us talking about it. Oh, wow. And he has the Tosh bit. I'm dreaming of a whitey tidy Christmas. So this guy posted it. So, so is this him asked which by the way I showed this to Daniel, right? Yeah, I know I was in Vegas with Daniel, showed him on my phone and he said to Andrew, one of his producers put this on the Christmas.

So we have basically gone to all the media outlets to try to break him the biggest outlets Tosh.0 and Joe Rogan experience. Yeah, we are responsible for this and the guy won't fucking respond. It's such an insult. Not so much as a thank you. Yeah. God, this has all his, oh, so this is like the treasure trove, I think this is a lot of the videos.

Harry Gross Glutton. This one is called, it's called Welcome to America is under his account. You want to see it? I'd like to hear it. Welcome to America. We are standing for our national anthem. Wow. Wow.

Yeah. That's big news. Okay. Maybe we can move along. I think we get it. King Asherber is kind of a one note pony, one trick pony and all and I mean, dude, will you fucking respond to us, please? He's, he's so selfish.

All right. I have some advice. Listener advice. Hold on. Are you ready? Yeah, let's hear it. Unless you wanted to play fart videos for the next, no, but I did want to get back to our crazy lady.

You don't know me and I don't know you and you don't like me and I don't like you. I don't like your kind. Thank you. I don't like you. And I don't like that. Thank you. You won't. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. New York City, baby, crazy ladies, crazy people on subway, there should be a reality show of just the New York subway system and it, you know how they have like parking wars and it's just subway wars and it's all the crazy people yelling at each other. What do you think? I'm pitching it to you. I'm thinking about it.

I really like it. Maybe true TV will do that show. Is there, is it a competition though? If you're listening. Oh, maybe. Yeah. It's like which train is the craziest? Yeah.

Oh, by the way, our buddy Matt, he wrote to us about our last filler up to your show. Yes. I saw that. I answered him. Oh, you did answer him? I did. I did. I think it was the Miley Portmans from his neighborhood.

Yeah. He did and he also said that that's the clear choice. I, I agree. Yeah. I think she's very smart. I don't know if they're both good ladies, though. Yeah. Matt said that she's from his area of what's it called over Long Island and here he said,

she's from the 11791 Long Island. You all know what kind of freaks we got here. In what size set, CP made the right call. Thank you. Thank. Yeah. Of course. Of course I make the right call.

Okay. So we got an email from Jason. He says, Hey mommy, since the FedEx debate is still raging, I figured I would get you guys involved in a word argument my wife and I have had for years and let you guys be the final judges. Are you ready for this? This is like a make or break a marriage. So let's do it.

My wife, why now refer to as the vanilla guppy and I constantly argue about the word iron. I pronounce it phonetically I Ron and she pronounces it like a second language I earn. So if you can solve this argument, we would be grateful. That is obvious to me. It's iron. Iron. Yeah. Iron.

Iron. Iron. Well, here's the thing because you iron things. You iron them. No, no, no, no, no. What? No, I iron things. What?

Yeah. Iron the pants. No iron. Okay. It's an iron. It's an iron, the object, but you iron someone's shirt and pants. So for me, it's both. Fucking.

No, I swear to God. Maybe marry this guy because are you, is this psychopath really saying Iran? He says Iran. He says Iran to iron. Iron. Iron. Give me the fucking thing. I, I, R, I, space, R, O, N, like I, Ron, I, I, Ron, I, I, Ron, I, I, Ron, I, I, Ron, I,

I, I, Ron, I think it's iron. He pronounces it I, Ron, but he's right because you iron, he's saying iron, iron the pants and I do say that. No, no, no. When you're ironing. I'm ironing. All right. You just get out.

But then you say, then you say, I'm ironing. You got to go. You got to go. Listen, do you say I'm ironing? Yeah. No, you say I'm ironing. No, nobody says that. Maybe it's like nobody says FDX.

Everybody says FDX. The woman on the call last week said FDX. No, she did not. Everybody says irregardless too. That's another one. You guys need to get on board. I can't argue with that, but nobody says, and the library, FDX, it's FDX. She said it.

She said it last week when we called FDX, she said FDX. She said FDX office. The best about that, man, I wish I had that queued up and she goes FDX office and I go, do you say FDX or FDX and she goes FDX office and I go, but is it FDX or FDX and she goes, okay, joyless, no joy, so upset about it. Do not make her day. Iron thing is re fucking hard. Okay, so what do you do to your pants?

Iron them. Hey, mom, I'm what? Ironing my pants. Ironing. Yeah. Ironing. No one says ironing. Yeah.

I'm ironing this now. Yes, my parents did, but they're foreigners, so I've heard it. Yeah, I know. So that's English as a second language. It's iron. Ironing. Iron. And if you need a vitamin because your, what levels are low, your iron levels are low?

Yeah. My iron. What about garage? Do you say garage too? No, of course not. Like a filthy foreigner? No. Jesus.

God. And the garage. No, of course not. You're with Carson downstairs talking like that. Wow. Well, good luck to you and your marriage. I mean, you're right, dude. You talk like that.

It's without a doubt. You make my pussy dry. You do make my pussy dry. Both of you do. With that nonsense. So fucking retarded that you talk that way. No. Okay.

Oh. You want another one? Another question? Yeah. Submission? People need advice on important subjects. Of course I want to hear it. What's up?

This is from Raymond. He says, dear moms, I recently found myself dumbfounded when I was at the market. I went to go buy some beans and when I was there, I saw a grown woman, must have been late 40s, early 50s, and she was grabbing the beans with her bare hands yuck. So I told that bitch, I says, are you serious? You're just going to use your bare hands like that. And the dumb bitch just looked at me and smiled with that whore face of hers and said nothing. I told her to use a damn scoop, which she did after I said something, but she looked

confused as if she had done something wrong. Do you guys think I'm crazy? I thought she had done nothing wrong. She'd done nothing wrong as if she had done nothing. What did I say? You said if she had done something wrong. Oh, sorry. I've done nothing wrong.

You guys think I'm crazy or is it pretty gross? It is so fucking gross. So fucking gross. So gross. I'll tell you the two fucking grossest things I've seen like that. One, I was in our local whole farts. I told you this story. I think I know where you're going because I might be going to the same place.

Well, I told you about it. I told you about this. Oh, it's not that. Okay. And it was your boyfriend. Your boyfriend. Oh, he was working that day and I'm in there and they always set up a lot of whole farts have like little sample place, you know, things.

So right near the cheese station, they have crackers and then cheese separate and each of them have specific tongs. Right. You can pull out a cracker and then you can pull out cheese. So this is squares of cheese that they've cut up. So I'm walking by there and I see a lady. She grabs a couple of crackers with her hands and I'm like, all right. Then she reaches her hand into the cheese tube, whatever, the cheese, uh, it's like

a dome. Dome. Yes. The cheese dome. Plastic dome. Reaches her hand in there. I watch her pick up squares of cheese, throw a couple back in that aren't up to her standards and grab a couple more.

So hell to the note. I'm not, you know, big on being a rat and tattletailing, but I just felt like it was, you know, hygienically gross. No good. So I just told the lady as I was checking out, I said, I says, uh, I says to her, I says, Peggy. Hey, by the way, and you're, you know, cause the lady was gone. I don't know where she was.

I said, a lady just went over there and I watched her reach in with her hands, grab cheese, throw some back and I go, that's, you know, that's gross. I wouldn't want to eat that. So she goes like, Aaron, like yells and she goes, yeah, and she tells her and he goes, Jesus Christ. And they go, calm down, Aaron, tell him to calm down. And then he, you know, took the display down, but it was that, that's gross to me because she's throwing it back where other people, you're not, you shouldn't use your hands.

The other one, this is more dumb than gross was I was on the road somewhere this year and my morning routine, if I'm special in driving from city to city or something is I go to a Starbucks, I get coffee, I usually get a yogurt, a banana and something like one of their egg sandwiches, you know, that's dicey as fuck in like a bar stocks. Oh, one of, oh no, sorry. I thought you meant like the hotel lobby, no, no, no, no, their breakfast. So I go in there, order my coffee and then, you know, some of them have different things than the other one.

Have you have yogurt yet? Do you have this wrap? No. So I'd like to get a banana. You guys are, you know, good, safe, you get some fruit in you. They're peel nature's plastic wrap. There's yeah. Sanitary.

So can I get a banana? And he goes, uh, I don't really have bananas and I go, you don't have bananas. Well, we do, but we don't normally sell them and I go, oh, that's weird. I get them all the time. I mean, how do, how do you want to give it to you? And I go, I don't just put it in my hand and he goes, okay. So of course I'm not thinking of, you know, what it's about to happen. I pay and a couple of minutes later he comes up to me.

They don't actually, he was right the first time they don't sell unpeeled bananas, but they do have peeled frozen bananas and he puts one in my hand and I just look at him and then at the same time, one of his coworkers sees him and she goes, what are you doing? And he goes, he said, and she goes, oh my God, I forget, you know, whatever, Robbie. No, like, no, are you crazy? No, it's like, so she looks at him like you're the dumbest guy. He is. She puts together what went, he's like, he said he wanted a banana and she goes, Jesus,

like some places sell, we don't, I go, don't worry about it. And they're like, you want your, let me get your money back. I just keep it. I want to go. I guess I'm, I'm so amazed at how dumb he is, but he just handed me, but with his, his hands are on the open banana. I'm like, dude, shove that up your ass because there's no way I'm eating it. Oh, he's crazy.

It's like, come on, this ain't man. No, it's so dumb. How gross is this lady with the beans? Was this on the East Coast? No, this was in the, in the South because often they won't have like their bananas are green a lot of times. Like we get our produce from Mexico.

So yeah, can I tell you what's been horrifying me? Yeah. About whole farts lately, they changed the cookie situation there. For instance, when I get the roogies, I hate it. It's a new display case. Yeah. And a lot of times there's no roogies. There's, well, there's no roogies.

Well, there were roogies this last time, but they changed how you get the cookie. Now. Oh, the hand thing, right? Dude, they used to have the tongs, which were totally sanitary. Yeah. Now they make you put your fucking hand in there with a tissue covering it. And how many nasty motherfuckers are really making sure that the tissue is properly disparate?

Okay. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Okay, okay, okay. Mom, this thing, man. Oh, I feel comfortable here. Did you get what I'm saying? That's how I feel.

That's how I feel about the roogie situation. Now, how am I supposed to get those roogalos? Maybe it's a good, maybe it's a good way to not eat a cookie. I know. Because you see that and you're like, uh-uh. Hell to the no. No. No, man.

No, I'm not. No, it's like, no. No, give me the tongs back, whole farts. What? Why do you have to take our tongs away, man? The tissue paper, I don't trust 90% of these people to make sure that they're using the tissue paper to touch the cookie. There's just no way.

Just stick your hand in the cookie jar with the rest of the public. Hell no, to the no, no, no, hell to the no. Yeah. But to answer your question, sir, perfectly justified in your horror, and I'm glad you spoke up and told that horror to stop using your hands. The fuck is wrong with you? The fuck is wrong with you? Oh, no, no.

You know, because you can rinse off those beans, but that's not going to, you know, there's all kinds of shit on them. You know, you just kind of eat it. You kind of eat like apples. I'm always thinking about how many nasty ass hands have touched my apple. Oh, you gotta wash it. Fuck out of an apple. I just put it under water.

Yeah, but I mean, I know there's vegetable washers and don't fucking email me and tell me you can buy a vegetable detergent. I know. I'm just not interested in buying that. Why? You can also one more thing to wipe it on your pants all the time. That's enough, right? Yeah.

Good old one to wipe on the shirt. And it's like that. Yeah. Yeah, but brought the show to a grinding halt with that. That was pretty, uh, that was something I got a far. I just farted in my own under my own nose. I stood. What's in the Tom watch this porn link thing?

Well, I, I just forward you all the porno stuff that comes in. Yeah. I feel like, I feel like you're the porn master. Dude, what was it the other day? Oh, this is the, this is the one that we already we played. Oh, we did. Okay. Yeah.

This is the guy farting as he right before he comes. Yeah. Jeans. What was it the other day where you were like, I want to start doing blah, blah, blah, and I'm like, Oh my God, why don't you just start playing Dungeons and Dragons? You fucking nerd. Um, what was it that you wanted to do?

And I was like, that's fucking so nerdy, dude. I don't know. What did I were in the car? Remember, and you're like, I think I'm going to start the collecting stamps or something. No, I did not seem to collect stamps. I did. Um, I did have my first dad joke.

Oh my God. Oh my God. You just fucking doubted out big time. And you know, it just shows you that, that it happens out of nowhere. It just happens. It's part of becoming a dad. We were at, we had dinner with the Christchers last night. Burton.

Hey, y'all. Leanne. Hey, y'all, I'm Leanne. And we had a great time. It was great to see them. Yeah. I miss them a lot. It's been a long time.

We used to go to their house all the time and just go there all the time. Well, they used to live right kind of up the street in the better part of town. Back when we lived in the ghetto on 6th Street and they lived up in the good part of 6th Street. Yeah. I would just take my car up to Leanne's. Hang out with her and the girls when Bert was on the road. Yeah.

It was really fun. Yeah. We would have dinner there with them all the time. Yeah. But anyway, and even when we lived in Silver Lake and they lived in this house now. Yeah, we were closer. Yeah.

Now it's a real track, but anyways, we're having dinner and you're talking about, you know, birth, birth and everything. And they said, you know, the, what is it? The husband said that she had her babies vaginally and I go, did they give you the husband's stitch? And she goes, what's that? And I go, well, it's they, they give you an extra stitch to make your vagetite again.

And I go, but some women, they can mess up and make it too tight. And over in my ear, I hear. There's no such thing. Okay. Yeah. I heard you say it in the corner of my ear. Yeah. You said it.

We heard, I go, there's no such thing. Yeah. It was like a super automatic dad joke just came right out. Yeah. And I stopped and I go, we almost high-fived. I don't know if you noticed that I had a really good time with that. I almost fucking threw up all over you. I was like, you didn't, you had a really, it was, it was a, a, a reaction

that you couldn't visceral. Oh yeah. And you couldn't, you couldn't restrain the reaction. I mean, there was, you were like, I'm going to fucking divorce you right now. Cause my dad joke was on fucking fire. That was such a good, that was like a dad joke that. Super dad joke. Yeah.

It's pretty awesome. Anyways, it's, it's how I'm, I'm settling into my dad, them. You really are. You got to surrender. You know? Yeah. Well, thanks for that. I really wish I could remember what it was that you were interested in.

It was something nerdy as shit too. Like something lame. I was like, what is happening to you? You're changing, you're changing, man. What it was, what was nerdy that I did? I don't remember that. I'll let me think about it. It'll come back to me.

You wanted to talk about it. And I was like, just go fucking watch Dungeons and Dragons go play that game. Dungeons and Dragons. You're terrible. Yeah. Whatever. Yep. This guy, I think we've either played this clip or another, another clip from this guy.

I think we have a long time ago, but I think it's a great clip for the holiday season. Especially, you know, we're getting into bowl season. There's going to be a lot of great bowl games. Um, there's going to be, this is when the NFL games really start to count. People are in the playoff hunt. So when you're home with your families and those that you love the most, maybe remember this speech, um, given by Augie Greedo, I think says name. Um, University of Texas baseball coach.

All right. In 15 minutes, you guys will probably all be fucking fine with this. Okay. So I'll just sum it up this way as fast as I can. That is the most humiliating game in the last fucking 10 years. I've been involved with all of us. Now that's the beginning of him kind of going into this speech and then he comments on it for a second and then he goes back to it.

How can we fucking get picked on the first base? How can you do that? The fuck is that about? What do you think you're fucking with there? This isn't about some goddamn game. This is about our lives. Don't you get it? God damn it.

Don't you get it? You don't have a choice. I fucking tell you to take. You take. Don't tell me you don't see it. You fucking look. You understand? I don't give a shit.

Like I said, 15 minutes from now, you don't give a fuck. You walk out of here. I got to live with this motherfucking fucking embarrassing game. The rest of my fucking life. I love it. Well, it's really special. Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah.

You love it. Nothing better. I love it. I love it so much. He's about to have a stroke. Absolutely on the on the edge right now. So fired up for sports. Yeah, it's not about sports.

It's about life. About life. What are you saying? About practice. I can't teach you about square root of a hypotenuse. I can teach you about life. Oh, wow. That's deep.

Yeah. I like that. How about the zit that's coming in? Ding dong. No, because it is on the bridge of my nose. That's so embarrassing. God, it's horrific. Don't you hate that?

It's going to be a big one too. Oh, yeah. It looks red. Is it painful already? Yeah. That's going to be massive. Yeah, it hurts. Can I tell you what works on getting rid of zits?

Is just getting a sunburn for some reason that always helps. Or just getting sun on your face will help that thing. This is a this guy again. Yeah, he really Jesus. Okay. I love this guy. I really want. I want to be closer to him.

Okay. I wish I had a guy that yelled like this regularly. Do you know what I mean? In my life. You can. How? There's a lot of shitty dads out there. Well, I can't find a shitty dad or a shitty friend.

I care a lot about you and I really am with you. This is him. When I see you wasting your talent and joking with yourself and kidding yourself, not jokingly, but thinking you're making a best effort when you're not that bothers me. I can live with the airs. I can live with the strikeouts. I can live with all this.

But when I see you cheating yourself, I'm going to tell you what gets to me. It's my own problem. My own insecurities. You may have a lot of things in your life. Okay. I don't. I have you and I have this baseball team.

And when we play, we don't lie on the field and we don't do our best. I risk my life for you every time we walk on. Oh, I hate when they do that. Yeah. Well, what's the fun if you can't curse? Yeah, man. That is the worst. Anyways, I wish I had a guy like that to motivate me when I wasn't

feeling motivated. Yeah, exactly. Right. Like before you go on stage and sometimes you're like, I don't care. And he's like, bullshit Christina. All I have is you and your stand up comedy. Your career means everything to me. You could recall.

You could record this and have and we could dub in stand up at about, you know what I mean? So, oh, that'd be cool. I could take his baseball speech and just dub in stand up stand up. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Like this isn't about this isn't about jokes.

This is about life. Yeah. You get, you're going to be able to live with this set in 15 minutes, but not me. I'm going to live with this goddamn embarrassing set for the rest of my fucking life. Yeah, that's a great, that's a great idea. Yeah.

Thanks, Tom. You can live to it at night right before you go to bed. Like my positive hypnotherapy. Yeah. Informations and things. Yeah. Man, I hate when they cut out the cursing. The cursing is the most fun part.

It's so childish. Yeah. Don't cut out the curse words. So to have the courage to make the decision to act on your box, which is what life finally ends up all about being all about. That's right. I'm encouraged to act on your own idea that become who you want to become. I like that.

That's pretty good. You want to have him on that's deep bro. That's really good. That's really good. Yeah. He's right about that. It is your thoughts and how you'd process them and whether or not you act on it.

And having the courage. Courage is everything. Here's a song that came in. John's Not Mad. I think about our very famous Scottish Tourette's friend, Johnny Davidson. Johnny Davidson. Johnny Davidson. It's hard to understand.

I don't know what's happening. I like it. There's a fun beat to it. Mad world. It's that song. I tears for fears. Right. But it's.

His language is very bad now. I understood that. He's not crazy. He's not crazy. I don't think he's always like that. How do you think you are? Are you crazy or something? You're not.

I'm feeling quite insane. I'm feeling quite insane. I'm feeling quite insane. I'm young again and all because I'm mad. I'm mad. I'm mad. I'm mad. I'm mad.

I'm mad. I'm mad. That's good. It's like someone made a cool-ass song out of the Tourette's documentary. But how much is that as Tourette's? Someone that's from the song itself. John Davidson. But there's not that much song sampling, right?

Uh, no. No, wait. Mad world does tears for fears. Right. That other stuff about I'm mad. I don't know what that is. But.... I think the sampling a lot of stuff, but it's good.

It's good. That's rad. Yeah, that's really good actually. Yeah. I just guess you can make so many fun things out of Tourette's. Pete Saunders? The guy who submitted it's different than the guy who made it. Alright, I'm looking at the guy who made it, it's Pete Saunders.

It's pretty cool. Nice work. Yeah, bro. Good job. Good genes. Pete. Um, yeah, so next week, I'm gonna have your baby. Um...

Did you just eye roll? Yeah, you're like, I'm gonna have a baby. Ugh, so... Gloring. What are you gonna do? Cause I'm gonna be out a lot. The house. What are you gonna, are you gonna just go out and party and stuff or?

Mm-hmm. I mean, I was thinking of like, you know, keeping the kid alive and feeding it and stuff and sleeping. Yeah. Sometimes maybe. Yeah. Um, just like keeping, keeping a newborn alive. Is this real, this, um, this chick by the way, giving her opinion about sex?

Is that real? It's, I don't know. At first I thought it was fake, but then you see how stupid she is. It's kind of, it seems real. It does seem real? Yeah. Just listen to her talk. Like, she tries to be rational about it.

It's very weird. Hey everyone. So today, I'm gonna be doing my video on 10 reasons why I think women should have sex with dogs. Um, reason number one, women in history have practiced it. There have been documented cases of ancient Romans and Greeks. In Greeks, I'm sorry, ancient Romans and Greeks practicing it for pleasure. I've never heard that.

Reason number two. Dogs, tongs can get very hard to reach. Oh my God. It can feel amazing. Ew. Come on, man. Uh, but she seems serious. Yeah.

I think she does. Well, I think, but here's what I think watching this already is that she gave herself a subject and is, it's almost like debate class, like you make your case, you're taking the side and you're doing it. I don't know if she really believes it so much as she wants to sell the 10 reasons. Does that make sense? Yeah. Reason number three, you cannot get pregnant.

Oh my God. This woman is the dumbest person. How about their tongues can get in the hard to reach, but wait, wait, how is there, is there a hard to reach place? Like, what, what male human tongue is like, I just can't get up there. I don't know where to get the tongue arguments retarded. Now that dog is going to lick for a lot longer. You think so?

Yeah. Yeah, but how do you get them to lick where you want to lick? I don't think that the dog wants to lick. Maybe you want to be licked. I think you could. And you just put a little treat there. Oh my God. What kind of treat you put on there?

You know, peanut butter or that's true. You could do that. I could do the same with you though. Yeah. You could put a little sugar on there, you know, a little salt, whatever you want. I think you would be very food motivated. Yeah. It's so horrifying though.

Your dogs are your children. It's really gross. Well, for a dog to impregnate a human. Oh God. Yeah. You can have sex 24-7. 24-7. She's got this beautiful dog with her.

I know. You cannot get an STD, which is a huge thing nowadays. Yeah, nowadays. If you, if you're allergic to dog sperm, that's the only way it can harm you. There was actually a case in, or was that, I think it was in Europe of a woman dying from allergic reactions. See, she's researched it, which is why I think it's... Reason number five.

It has been around since the beginning of time. No, it hasn't. And that's a lot like reason number one, where you cited the Greeks. There have been, there have been, there have been cave paintings of it. It's been around since 2000 BC. Uh-huh. So, it's been around a lot. We're a little more evolved since then, but okay.

Reason number six. Yeah, I love when people cite ancient civilizations have done that. It doesn't mean it was good or right for us now. Yeah. You know, just because some dum-dums did it before. Yeah, we threw retired people in the river. Right. Yeah, I don't know that.

It's kind of crazy barbaric shit we used to do. Some of it's evolved. We got to evolve, guys. It's legal in some countries and states. Well, for shitty countries. Will you stop biting on my skirt? She's talking to her dog. It is, okay, where was I?

I'm trying to get some pussy right now and the dog's like, I'm gonna get some of that pussy right now. No. Yeah, it is legal in some countries and states. Yeah, you already said that. You've been dummy. But you can enjoy it pretty much without worry. Reason number seven.

Could you ever see yourself having sex with an animal like that? No, it's not on the table. It's not even you? No. I mean, I could see getting, obviously, I don't know anyone who doesn't want to get railed by a horse or something, but... A lot of dudes do though. I know.

And let me say dudes, because most of the documentaries, there's one called Animal Passions, right? Mm-hmm. The one called Zoo. Zoo, and those are dudes. Very few women. I mean, there are, but... Yeah.

It's fucking... It's hard, guys. It's hard. Yeah, it's hard. It's hard to process is what I'm saying. Yeah. Are we doing this... Did you put this in this document in here?

Would you rather? Yeah. You're doing that one? Yeah. Okay. First of all, can we just digress for a minute and talk about the importance? Of dog fucking? Of dog fucking?

Yeah. Of lemon lime Gatorade, a lot of people have written in that is clearly the only flavor that exists. No, no, no. No. A lot of support for my lemon lime flavor. Mom. Hangers.

Okay. You know what I'm saying? There's one shower. There's two bathrooms with a curtain. No. First of all, a lot of support on my lemon lime Gatorade. You can have your supporters, but I also have mine. I got plenty of support on them.

Nobody likes your red or pretty cute blue. Yes, they do. I got quite a few tweets about that. What were they saying? That actually a couple people said that their glacier blue or whatever is the only way to go. Ew, ew, ew. And, you know, I got some red support too, man.

So gross. Lemon lime is turd flavors. That's the best. But I will say that Gatorade has to be drank, drank in, drunk. Drunk? Drank, drank, drunken. Iron? Iron.

Has to be drunk, drank. Oh my God. You can't even think anymore. You have to drink it cold. Oh, it has to be really cold. It's cold. Yeah. Because you're drinking sugar.

That's why. It cannot be room temperature or warm. It's so disgusting. That's all I have. I'm finished. Fucking ice cold Gatorade. Lemon lime only flavor. Thank you.

I'm looking at this. Let me see if I can find it real quick. One second. One second. So I had to find something. But how do you feel about orange Gatorade? Disgusting. There's only one flavor and it's lemon lime.

See, I would definitely, I would, if I was dying and they said you need Gatorade to live and they had lemon lime, I would die, but I would, I would still take orange. I would definitely. Orange is okay. I'm not going to be unreasonable. If I were on death row and they're like, it's nothing or orange. All right. I'll take a little orange.

It's not my, it's got to be super, super, super cold. Super cold. Yeah. I agree on that. That's one thing we can agree on. Super cold. It's too sweet though. I don't like those syrupy.

It's too sweet. Actually, I think the best way to drink Gatorade is if you're going to pour it, if you pour it in a glass, pour it halfway and then fill the rest up with ice cold water. Yeah. It's too sugary. I know it's too much, but blue first, red second, orange third, a cup of diarrhea next, and then lemon lime. I think the order goes lemon lime, everything else can go fuck itself.

No, you're wrong. You shove the blue up your ass. You can iron that all the way to the bank. Okay. Irregardless. Here's a little bit of this new Gatorade commercial we heard. You know, Gatorade was invented at the University of Florida for the Gators. Right.

You don't have to be a Florida graduate to hydrate. No. That's for everybody. Yeah. I never even went to college. There you go. I know those two guys. You know them.

That's from the great series, Cut Man, which I did with Ryan Sickles Hellsickler. You know when we did that? Are you ready for this? 1998. No, we did do it. It's going to be after the new year, it'll be 11 years. Oh, what? That we did this.

Oh my God. Because I remember you guys were filming that when you and I started dating around that time. 10 years ago. Pretty cray-cray. Yeah. It was nuts, man. Wow.

How fast time flies, huh? Yeah. All right. Pretty crazy, man. Okay. Let's go. I got to go. All right.

She's not going to do your stomachs bothering me. Oh, okay. Oh, I have a would you rather. You want to just read it? Yeah. Make your choice. Come on, shake your body, baby, do that, come guy, no, you can't control yourself any longer. Come on, shake your body, baby, do that, come guy, no, you can't control yourself any longer.

So, please tell me the would you rather. Okay. Your mother and your spouse swap bodies, freaky Friday style, and the only way you can get them to turn back to normal is to have sex with one of them. This is submitted, by the way. Yes. This is not one of mine. Uh-huh.

I feel like this is one of the original premises of, you know, we've had something like this before. Either you're fucking your mother and your girlfriend's body or your girlfriend and your mother's body. Oh my God. Which would you choose? And he writes, there are no acceptable stipulations to this would you rather. You have to answer the question as it is presented to you.

Sneaky, sneaky. Real sneaky on that one. That is so horrifying. It's why it's one of the great, I know we've done a similar one, I mean, whatever, probably 150 episodes ago. That's, I'll let you take it. I'll let you take it. Me.

Me. I want to hear your logic on this. So obviously for you, it's your, your father and your husband. Um, oh my God. So to get it to switch. I know, I understand how it works. So I'm in your dad's body. I'm going to throw up.

Or your dad's in my body. And obviously you got to blow them too. So. Stop it. That's not in here. It's not stipulated blowing. We only said sex. Okay.

So you're looking at your dad, but I'm in there. So maybe I would talk to you for a second like, babe, it's me, just close your eyes. I would close my eyes. It would have to be in my dad with you as the soul and I would close my eyes and just not, I can, I can close my eyes, isn't anything about eye contact and just fucking transport myself. Yeah. Because if it's your dad in me.

Yeah, I got it. I understand. Thank you. Then it's going to be so. Oh my God. It's so unnerving because think about your dad, you know, like whispering or like nibbling on your neck or something. No, I got it.

Thank you. And your dad, how about, no, I'm saying, how does your dad finish? I don't want to hear this. Maybe he makes a crazy noise. No, what about your mom when she begogs all over you? Hi, better tell me. It's so crazy. Oh man.

I feel like I would, man, because that's so hard is the part where it makes you so hard. No, it's so hard to him to get through, you know, the visual because even knowing that you're inside of like your soul's inside of my mom, it's how do you do it? You can't do it with your eyes open and be impossible, you know, it's impossible. So what are you going to do? Oh, man, this is so that you have sex with me, but it's your mother. No, no, fuck, no, man, God, that is so fucking. It's really upsetting.

This is a really good one. It's supposed to be, I know, also you choose. What are you choosing, man? I'm fucking choosing. Relax. God, you're so upsetting right now. I can't even, I guess I'm, I'm choosing the same way you did it. Yeah.

Yeah. It's the only way to go. Oh, I want to fucking vomit. Are you looking at a naked picture of your mom right now? What are you looking at? No, I'm just, I've just never been so just grossed out by one before. I think I usually can get through these quicker. Yeah.

I'm thinking about your dad right now and he's with you or it's your dad's physical body and you guys are doing, what position do you think you guys would do it in? Same one you and your mom are going to do it in. Do you think? What do you think your mom prefers? Reverse cowgirl? Definitely. God, I'm so, uh, do you think that your dad, with me and

you still though you think you would turn, you would face the other way so you don't just see your dad's body? Babe, I would close my eyes and I wouldn't fucking, I would just sit there and close my eyes and not even touch, yeah, I would just like wait for it to be over. What do you think? I mean, it's harder for you because you need to get the erection. God damn it. Shut the fuck up.

I just have to lay there and think of my country. You have your country? They told women in England, just think of England and spread your legs and have sex with your husband. I'm sitting there just going, so I started saying, mom, mom, mom, why did you do that to me? Yeah. I'm really upset with my mom about this one.

Do you think you would have to, fuck whoever submitted this. Would you have to touch your tits to get hard though, your mom? God damn it, no, I don't think so. What about foreplay? Would your mom have to grab your dick to get it hard? No, because you're blowing your dad and there's no need for any of that. How would you get an erection though, knowing that it's your mother's? I think about your dad coming inside of you.

Would your mom have to put her mouth on your peener to get it hard? No, no, your dad's. Did she have to blow you? Your dad's dragging his balls over your face. Foddle your nuts. You're going to blow your dad. You know you're going to blow your dad. Your dad's, because I have your dad's old dick and balls in this situation.

I have his physical body. You have to blow your dad for a minute. It's not in the contract, but you have to to get to the sex. It's not in there. It's not in the contract in the game. I know, but you know that he's older. So to get that dick up, you're going to have to blow that is not. He said as stipulated, you read it as written in sex, but he's not ready to physically perform

the sex. It doesn't matter. I don't have to blow him. That's not part of the game. He'll need you to blow him to have the sex. That's my point. No, he can take Viagra. No, I can't do that.

Why? Because I just don't feel comfortable with that. You would have to take so much Viagra to have sex with your mom and you'd be so hard. You'd have to do it over and over. This was a fun episode. Let your mom hear this when she comes to visit and ask her what she thinks. She's got a puke everywhere and vomit the whole way home. Yes.

Anyway, so Christina's having sex with her dad and that's where we end this one. Tom's having sex with Charo. And our pod is going to come all over Christina in Christina. That's so weird. Then you could get pregnant on your way to switch us back on Friggy Friday. You could be pregnant, but with your dad's seed. Okay. That's a really neat thought.

Thank you. Let's get out of here. We have five heads. Let's keep our fingers crossed that baby jeans has a nice, lovely delivery. The next time you hear, well, you won't hear from us post-delivery. We're going to start uploading the recorded episodes. Yes. You guys will, I will be doing the ad copy and kind of explaining what's going on, but

Kris Jeanza will be off for. Yeah. For a few weeks until I heal up. And then, yeah, so you won't hear us talking about the baby, but know that we'll be back in the new year. We'll talk about it. For sure. All right.

Love you guys. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Your mom's house podcast.com. Don't forget to submit those questions. It's got to say charo tom in the subject line for when charo and tom are here.

Mom. Mom. All right. Love you guys. Love you. Bye guys. Bye jeans. I didn't see any white people.

They're all blacks. This is the place I should have been. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What do you mean? This is the place I should have been always.

Detroit is your mecca. Because Canada is terrible. Canada is worse than it's too good. It's the best thing I've ever heard. Yeah, you don't want to live next to people like that. I don't know. You and David, we hear a lot. Sell me to gypsies.

Sell me to gypsies. Sell me to gypsies. You can fucking understand this, right? Italians are really crazy. Yeah. That is so, like, ugly little babies. It's your texture. I'm going to say, oh, this is so cute that you look at it.

Fuck off, get the fuck out of here. Fuck off, get the fuck out of here.