Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 323-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 23, 2015

Merry Jeansmas! Hope you all are snuggling and kissing and drinking cocoa by the fire. We have a baby jeans and will be doing all that, gurl.  This episode has magic: enemas, OMG Maria, Top Dog, Kim Ahn breaking it down HARD CORE, Would You Rather's and a whole lot more.  Please be safe and allow denim into your heart.  Please support our sponsors - MeUndies.com/mom and BlueApron.com/mom

That's what it is man Hey guys Hope you're doing well. I'm solo right now. We have an episode for you, but I'm doing the stuff at the top because Main mommy Tina, I'm gonna give it to her. She's now officially the main mom. She's with baby jeans Some people I think got confused By the release thinking that the baby came this way baby was born last week. He's all good He's healthy. Thank you for the many messages that you sent Mom's good. Baby's good. We're all very happy excited for the holidays at home

Top dog and Charo are hanging out so I'm gonna try to get them in here to do a podcast with me sometime this week That's um, that's what's cooking right now I'll tell you real quick New Year's Eve. I am at the Brea improv Brea, California two shows that night, but I'm there the rest of the weekend, too So come see me Friday Saturday Sunday. If you can't make the New Year's show That's my last show of the year And then January I'm in Denver

Colorado Denver Colorado at comedy works downtown I'm there for a full week of shows January 13 14 15 16 I'm very excited those tickets are moving Please if you're in Denver get your tickets now and a lot of people have asked me Los Angeles when are you doing shows in LA now? I have an answer. I'm doing them in January and I'm doing them at Flappers think of milk flaps

I'm doing them the 22nd and 23rd of January Flappers comedy club is in sperm bank Otherwise known as Burbank California and then the first weekend in February. I'm at wise guys in Salt Lake City balls licks falls like pity shitty Shark Lake shitty

Utah so come see those shows, please. I'm I added shows. I was gonna do one show I'm not doing four shows. I believe in in Utah And then I'm going to Phoenix Fartnix at the end of February back at stand-up live. So come see me there I think that's it. I think that's all I got for you. All right You ready to do the show ready to do the shows What are you writing down on your little made a note? I think you'll like it. Oh, okay Let's get this show going though. Yeah for always for always for always is this let's do it

Hello everybody rain Florence welcome to my channel today. I want to show you step-by-step How I do a coffee enema? Yes, behold the power of the coffee enema coffee enemas are great for detoxing your entire body Don't bring anyone loving to this I Yeah, I'm gonna get high today. I think what yeah, what I'm gonna clean out the garage You can get high when you're doing it That's a great idea because you're gonna get all kinds of focused. Yeah, you really but you see you see the way things should fit

You see how the puzzle goes. I like it do it do it. Yeah, but can you stay motivated when you're high or will you get sidetracked? I can get motivated as long as you stay inspired and hell, yeah, dude Say focused folk. What are you gonna do eat eat something or smoke something smoke something? Okay, I'm excited. I'm gonna get high too with you. What do you think? I don't think it's a good idea, but I Said something like could be could be we could be coke could be dust whatever. Oh, you don't know what you're gonna take I don't know what I'm gonna smoke. I'm gonna smoke something angel Get motivated. Do they still have angel dust? Of course. They do around of course I know guy you don't know

Stupid What about giving each other's coffee enemas tonight, we're gonna do that She's so excited about her coffee enema she's so do we get the coffee from Starbucks? Like should we get a latte or it has to I don't know if she specifies it. I'm sure she does I'm assuming you can use any kind of coffee you want though. I don't know. I feel like you know It has to be brand associated like this isn't like an ad. Oh, no, no I mean like it's drip coffee versus espresso versus Milk to it. No don't add milk to it. I think drip coffee is the way to go

I like how it's about releasing the toxins somehow putting brown Caffeine up your ass is gonna take care of all the toxins. I know we'll get some blowback for this but everything that I've seen And heard and read about this has said that They have these detoxes have no health benefits whatsoever. How could it's all like psychological How could they all you're doing today is that you know, you're stripping out I guess all the toxins But you're shitting a lot. Yeah, so a good bout of diarrhea is is just like a detox

Then one would say or getting your toxins just means you're taking a good shit to shame Rain Florence has another idea she she lives by now She does look very fit very lean It's like a yoga instructor And she lives in the forest. It looks like she's really into this. It's really into this lifestyle She's motivated you got some people love to yeah do the detoxes and yeah Are you ever do that you've heard that I always want to try that fast where you drink think lemon juice with the cayenne pepper and the maple syrup Like you basically just starve yourself for a week

I believe that has benefits like fasting Because you're kind of giving your digestive system arrest break. Yeah, I believe in that haven't done that in a while Fasting When's the last time you did a cleanse like that, babe? I've fasted before usually for a day, you know That's the most I've ever done sun up to sundown. What was the reason something religious? I forget you've done that before sure Catholicism, uh-huh Yeah, sure. Yeah during Lent or something. I think that's when we do it. I forget but I definitely did it Are you sure you're not Muslim?

During Ramadan. Yeah, it sounds like a Ramadan thing. No, they do it for like 40 days. I didn't do that I did it for like ad day. Yeah ad day. I couldn't do it like it break down It's so hard from sundown to sundown. Could you drink water? There's little yeah, you can drink water little things I've done Man doesn't feel good Cutting out carbs. Oh, man. That's terrible. I've done that where For for days. Yeah, and I've done it to the point where sometimes it's around the third or fourth day Where you really the headaches are really killing you then you get over it if you if you keep doing it But there's a few days where that lack of sugar and really gets to you. I hate that

Yeah, yeah That's bad. You think you can fast on Those like take a break on the rips and the microphones are sorry about that That was an accident. It was not an accident. It was an accident. It's not an accident I didn't know it was coming. Is it the accident the way it was when you call me from New York? And you're like I was walking around and I was I've reached for some broccoli at this counter And I got a sprinkles cupcake. I didn't mean I was out and I had lunch and then I was gonna take some like Celery and broccoli and carrots back to my hotel room, of course, and I told her where

What which ones to get because it was like one of those produce counters Yeah, and then I get back to the hotel and it's like these four sprinkles cupcakes And you know, I mean you could return them though Find the place a lot of work Oh Did you feel like a real New Yorker do you ever when you're in another city think like do I blend enough here, of course Do people know that I'm not from here New York is a fantasy land though, you know, like that's one of the great That's where you get to lose yourself completely

That's where you go when you've killed somebody and you need to disappear But it's so fun to not have obligations For the day to have a clean day to yourself and just walk around New York And it's really one of the cities where walking around is the activity Show on every street every corner It's the people watching is fun, you know the architecture the things you run into or it just Just it reminds me of Hong Kong when I was in Hong Kong it's one of the cities you can just walk around and

Every even if you don't end up doing something the visuals are an adventure like you just go Yeah, you're just wild and out looking at shit. I know Asia's the same way. You're right. You're right. You're right I had a had a couple days like that in New York was just no obligate something about I mean, maybe it's just my personality that I you know, I like when I have Because it rarely happens when you do stand up. You always have your show, right? Yeah, you have a down day. There's nothing to do It's it's a different feeling where you're like, oh, I don't at the end of the day I don't have to go somewhere I can do what okay

Because that the stand-up was always looming in the back of your mind So you don't relax the whole day don't fully relax now And I've had a few times where I've had Some weeks this year where I had gigs and then an off-day between gigs. It's fantastic. It's great. Yeah, it's you really Experience the day in a different way. Yeah. Yeah, you're out. Yeah, you're right. You lift the obligation. It's nice It's really nice. That's why I like Sundays. That's why I don't like any interference on a Sunday On a Sunday. Yeah, like don't even check the email because then you're gonna get into that Don't call my phone. Don't don't open mail

Like just just disconnect for one day and you feel so much better because you're not engaged in the bullshit It'll be there the next day. Yeah, all the horseshit you're getting away from yeah It's crazy man was crazy It's crazy to Really take take a day down and experience it that way. I know yeah It's the best. So I've loved being home Since since I've gotten back. It's been totally different, you know Mm-hmm, but even then when you have something to do it changes today. It's a totally free day is different

Can I tell you we have obligations for dinner tonight with friends and I'm already dreading Just the obligation of it the fact that we have to be there at a certain time even though like they're we're gonna have fun It's gonna be great. Of course, but knowing that you have to be there and it's an obligation for some reason sucks the fun right out of I'm masturbate when people cancel plans on me right all the time, right? Yes, it's the best feeling I don't know what that is you cry sure after I come because I'm not supposed to feel that good, but Yeah, it really is the best and when people offer plans on Sunday, I'm like no no, I know I've really no Really the two people in my life who emphasize that the most are you and Joey Diaz, of course You both are you have the same and the thing is you have the same voice and the same cadence

A lot of times I hear you both at the same time same facial features and body structure and everything When he talks about what kind of person goes out on a Sunday Lose my I agree. I've teared. I've never heard him. I didn't know that he has the same philosophy philosophy on the type of person that goes out on a Sunday Believe me, it's not if you are the person that you don't want to hear it Yeah, absolutely what type of cocksucker goes out on this to the Lord's Day Of course destroys people. What are you crazy? Stay home stay on your pajamas watch your football make some snacks You know in the sagora house. That's what we do. We stay we stay on our pajamas

We bake treats all day the dogs are jumping around. Yeah football games on. I'm knitting something Peace joy serenity. Why are you gonna fuck that up? Why going out and getting loaded or fuck that Going to a kid's party. No. Oh, you know Why won't be home right now? No, it's a day to be home. No It's a lords day. It is a lords day. No, no shit What are you really gonna take some angel dust later? I think so Okay, I think so. Yeah

What's wrong with that? Did I say anything's wrong with that? No, that's true. You didn't say anything. I did not I agree with you Yeah, take your angel dust. Mom this thing man. Oh, I'm feel comfortable here. Did you get what I'm saying? Hangers, okay, you know I'm saying there's one shower. There's two bathrooms with a curtain. No mirrors and man It's just you don't see it. It's no privacy. You hear me. It's no mother privacy I'm good off this one. I got someone at home. That's willing to take care of me and wife me and you know I'm saying this ain't me Yeah, I know what you're saying

Hey hangers She sounds really good. She's a she sounds good black. I know this is a white girl. She's white. Yeah, but her black voice is impeccable That's not a black voice. It's her voice. No, she's doing a black voice. What are you talking about? She's talking black You sound like a fucking 80 year old person. She's talking black. That's a black voice She's talking like the colors do she's but she's blacking it up That no, that's just who she is. No, you know She's trying to sound black, babe

It's ask a black person. I'm telling you you're saying that she's blacking it up. She's trying to black it up Yeah, she's doing a good job. I think she sounds really black. She's I'm really impressed with her black voice Don't act like you don't talk in a black voice you do it in your act Big Daddy Kane No, I don't do that. Tom or black you ever heard of that game. Yeah, but that's that is for the purpose of a game You're telling me that she's Blacking it up

Not in a game in life Right, she's doing she's doing that for life, but that's her identity like that Rachel Oh, yeah, Rachel dole is all dole is all those love those. I left a wallet there. There you go Right, but that's for the purpose of a game. Sure. You want to talk some shit? You know, I mean, it's different. No, it is different. You don't That's good. Yeah, that is good. Yeah Remember when Sidney Castillo an actual black guy came in here over 10. Oh pretend and Tom or black

Yeah Of course, yeah, of course Yeah, you're good. You could go toe-to-toe with this or head-to-head. I don't know what is toe-to-toe and head-toe? What's the difference? toe-to-toe is fighting head-to-head is head-to-head is now you say you go head-to-head with someone you People say head-to-head Toe-toe yeah, you and that girl from the bad girls club could go No

She got down the irritation Yeah, she's good Her black voice is on fleek. Yeah, I didn't say the n-word you did that. I didn't do anything You just played that that's a person talking big words That's a good one and you even did the background noise Oh good. Yeah, so let's get this coffee. I don't go in big words. So obviously A lot coffee solution inside The next part is you want to lubricate the end of your nozzle

Yeah, for your ass. Well aloe vera anything just to make it a little bit easier to slide inside Side where there's various sizes of intimate nozzles put a big one in this short It's just very short. Oh, it's like a rectal thermometer So it's just gonna slide right in there chicken be very easy right in where chicken shit Go for the big one you stupid You just want to insert it into your where bottom and bottom and bottom and if she's she's giving herself a coffee On the internet and she can't say where she's putting it. No, she should say you're gonna put insert this into your stinky little asshole Because that's where you're putting your dirt with your dirty stinky little asshole stinky your bottom and I

Love them people speaking euphemisms and she's on the fucking internet doing this and she's just unbelievable shoving coffee coffee's just flowing in My bottom and she says it again. Yeah, and I'm going to remove the nozzle Okay, from my bottom in all right bitch my dirty filthy asshole I'm just gonna just lay here and you can lay however you want. Thank you Some people like to lay on the left side. No right side or you can just lay on your back. Thanks And just wait for about ten minutes ten minutes. You might hear some gurgling

That's the mountain of shit that's about to come out That's just the acidity of coffee eating your intestinal lining. Don't worry about that. That's cuz you're gonna pay off You're gonna have you a seven here in a second It's good actually good my actually here your gallbladder No, you won't it will be It'll be a little gurgling sound gurgling the universal sign for Yeah, nothing good happens after a gurgle that's for sure. It's not your life Yes, you dummy

Hippie Detox your liver That's the thing is that every look the I've actually heard doctors talk about this. They said all that stuff is Horseshit you think it's doing something it does nothing medically. Well, what how would you detox your liver? you probably to take some kind of a pill or Ingest something drink something correct not shove it up your ass Yeah, I mean, they're just saying it doesn't work. Yeah, what you're saying is happening is not happening Yeah, I don't know right and people are gonna write in and go. Yeah, I know listen you guys don't

Do they not have teeth when they talk the people that disagree don't you because when you do that Anyone disagrees. They have no you have no teeth when you have been doing the coffee and the mouth for a long time and Because people swear they're like I feel but you might feel better because you're shitting I feel shitting feels great, but you're not doing the detox that you think you're doing. No, absolutely. I agree. I think it's absolute horseshit And she's sitting on the toilet for this portion in a bikini, right? Yeah top and she should be she should open her ass and show Her ass hole right now. I wish she would but she doesn't If you look at my stinky little bottom end right now, it's about to open up with so much browns gonna fall right out

Okay here on the toilet what you need to remember is just to relax It can take a couple minutes to show the coffee to come out in shape for the coffee doesn't come out Don't worry My god, you might die you will die there's coffee left in your intestines that don't come out Do you know that some people? To get like super Apparently if you ingest alcohol through your asshole, yeah, it's real fucked up. It's dangerous too though It's so dangerous, and they've even done it like through mouthwash and

And also like just other component like other liquid forms that have alcohol in it They put it in their assholes. Yeah to get fucked up like severe alcohol who have like stomach problems from drinking I Know it's funny, and I know it's thanks so much that I stripped away some of the Lining in my throat in my course I used to laugh it out when I would watch celebrity rehab when the And there's so much pain

When they would get down to like I'm drinking mouthwash every day Stop drinking mouthwash just stop stop yourself. Is that it's not enough of a bottom for you? It's funny. It's funny to watch people in real physical pain When they're what's that word not detoxing yeah D Whatever yeah off the drugs. Yeah, that's what Jeff Kongley was the best at it. Remember. He was the one that was like Yeah, he's dead now. Yeah, he was great. Yeah, he was a good one My mouthwash. Yeah, you shove it up your ass. It gets you high really fast This

Yeah, could you even imagine Listerine up your ass How much that would burn it burns in your mouth? I can't imagine how it burns in your asshole. Oh, it's got a burn It's got a burn so badly fuck You're a real addict if you're drinking listerine. Do you remember scope? So I was on I was on I hate this So hard cuz you're sociopath when the car backs up into a garage because you lack empathy Oh

My god What part is funny cuz you sent this to me and I just felt empathy for the guy who got hit you seem to think it's really funny that he's hurting What parts of funny is to you Tom? I don't know why I've always laughed so hard at people getting physically really hurt I know why why you're psycho. I'm not a psycho Oh When people talk about their physical injuries, I laugh really hard But I told you that guy told me one time about a bathtub dropping on his neck and I laughed so hard

in front of him You had to have a neck restructured Like out of metal and then he has it is funny Yeah, I mean drip in his body that drips it on him all the time Uh-huh funny on that part's funny to you that he has to have a morphine drip Wow look at you well this guy you're so sick. I Think it's really funny the wait so when you on opi and Jimmy Did you hear them laughing this hard? No, I definitely laughed the hardest

Yeah, so the other people in the room weren't laughing as hard as you. No, were they chuckling? Not really? Yeah Hmm, but I Don't know what it's I think it's the way That he just go it's that he's just like Like that he can't even must rub words because it hurts so bad, you know, I think that's what it is. I don't know Ah The best part of this video is that a guy Walks around and looks at him on the ground

Like there's a nail in the tire like it looks down like oh, yeah, we could plug that up and Then doesn't even say anything just like All right, I go get my coffee is in the microwave and that part makes you laugh too. Well that part should make you laugh That part's pretty great He's laying on okay, he's got hit by a car. Yeah, check out that guy So yeah, he's dropped something back there Look at his face Yeah, yeah, he's indifferent

Microwave just dinged I gotta go get my coffee God that's funny. Yeah, it's something. I don't know if it's funny, but it's something Looks like it says here TV news report the guy is fine Does that upset you like does that take the fun out of it? No, no, because if I If somebody's like really like when I those videos I've seen horrific videos like massacre videos Doesn't make you laugh is hard. No, I like physical injury stuff, you know, like something like you know Like I said bathtub drops on someone's head So you should like the three stooches and that kind of I don't like that that doesn't make me laugh

Doesn't make me laugh. I always felt bad for everybody getting hurt But how do you feel when you watch you know, it's funny? You know, it's funny to me like somebody if somebody's in a wheelchair because of an injury. It's not funny Yeah, but if somebody tells me oh I was uh, I was walking down the street and Someone like and I see that they're physically Okay now, but they have a story of a horrible thing like a bowling ball dropped on my fucking foot and

Broke it, but they're fine now that makes me like that, but you like the the hurt part. Yeah Look at you. Yeah. Wow. I don't know why yeah Well, I think it's because of a fear of it. Maybe it's a fear. Maybe yeah Maybe it's so scary to you. You can't even process it and that's why I laugh. Yeah, I mean That's why I laugh at brown so hard I think because it's so vile and so disgusting like shitting is the weirdest most grossest shit that we do It's so gross. Mm-hmm. We all do it and we don't talk about it nearly enough and it makes me uncomfortable Which is why I laugh there you go. So maybe that's maybe that's your thing

I don't know. So it can take a couple minutes for all the coffee to come out If for some reason the coffee doesn't come out, don't worry You're not gonna die So that makes you laugh. Yeah, yeah, it's brown. Yeah, it's brown Yeah, all you need to do is to remember to drink more water Like I said before you start the coffee in a month because you want to be hydrated If the foods you were eating are okay What would you hate? How much would you hate me if I was this lady like if I was like this?

This will wear me out and didn't let you use the microwave ever This is dangerous and everything's gluten-free in the house and yeah, this would definitely wear me out. It's It's too much she's too much She's the kind of person that like I could I could see talking to Once a year, you know, I mean like if it's like oh my friend Rain is here or whatever sure you run into and you go She probably has like some good like are you get hydrated and you're like, yeah, I should eat some more bananas Do whatever she has in there that day you go

Yeah, but if I had to deal with that on a daily basis, I would lose my mind. Yeah, cuz that's a total lifestyle That's a whole genre of human being like rain has to be with someone who's rain lives in the forest She does there's so many like just lush Jungle trees around her when she starts this video and she's in the big key I'm sure she lives somewhere tropical. She needs to find the guy that we saw yesterday at Starbucks. Yeah, the Manny Yeah, the male net like the guy who's got the Birkenstocks and he's got the what's it called when they put the pony on top It's like yeah, there's a name for that. Oh, there is Like it's like cool bun shit. Yeah. Yeah, it's like brown hair. It's a little dirty

But not filthy. Yeah, not quite dreads, but getting there. He really makes love to you for a long He's Polly and he's by likely. Yes, or Polly by He's adjacent to all that stuff. Yeah, I want to bring another man home. I'd like to explore There's a lot of patchouli. There's a lot of oils. There's a lot of candles in their house there's a lot of like a lot of meditation meditation I'm on dollars and Every day starts the same dream catchers. I've noticed your Shockers are off today. Did you meditate this morning? I didn't I could tell yeah, that's what they find about oh Oh, and they don't drink coffee. She'll ironically shoot. She'll put it up her ass, but she will never drink coffee

It's always a chai tea of some sort or teas. They always have tea alkaline water. Yeah Kombucha now's infused with something. Yeah for sure. Oh Yeah, I'm feeling the energy is bad here. That's a lot of energy Yeah It is a type of person it's a whole life like she this woman cannot be with just a normal dude No, she's gonna have to find that guy or or girl. I don't know. She might be gay What do you think of I'm so obsessed and I know we're jumping around here, but blood fart Oh, yeah

It's not a reality show, but it doesn't matter Don't make your pee So, yeah, this is not a reality show, but I was you know, I see it there. I want to play it It's real talk intro. We've been watching a lot of blood farts aka bloodline on Netflix and We like blood farts better. Yeah It's so good. It's so good and we're so hooked and the writing is great. The story is great the focal Character in the story is Danny the POS of the family total POS

He's such a POS, but everyone's got a Danny in their family. I feel like or some Danny adjacent. Yeah, like person it's it's crazy how much of a POS he is and There's there's so I'm not gonna give away stuff because I encourage everybody to watch this on Netflix It's on Netflix. You can go binge. There's I think 13 episodes every episode is like a movie. It's really really good There's so many like without giving this is not giving something away Hold on You know what I like best is that it takes place in the Florida Keys Yeah, and they really capture

The essence of the keys as well in a Florida and the culture of how people it does Florida real well. Yeah, I agree I mean, it's it's Florida There's so many people when I watch this show where I go. I remember I know that guy Yeah, I've seen that guy before we got the bandana around his neck Oh, yeah, and it migrates to his forehead some point in the day and the back down the neck Yeah, I guess you're like, oh, yeah, I knew that guy that guy's That guy's in a lot of different towns in Florida Jupiter

There's one scene though where Uncle Danny kind of whisper something to his niece Before she goes out with a guy and his niece is like 14 15 maybe And then I was talking to you. I was like, oh It's a pretty scummy thing, right? You don't see what he's doing reminded me of But what could he be saying to his niece like, you know, maybe you focus on the head? That's where all the nerves are when you're jacking dick because that seems like the kind of thing Danny would say, right? And then I was like, you probably were probably pretty big in that when you were Right, you're probably out dishing handies all the time when you're in high school

I was jacking dicks in high school. I mean, weren't you isn't that the thing deal? No, I wasn't into jacking dicks in high school Thank you for asking on the show though No, I never you know what I had one dick that I jacked consistently I had a boyfriend through high school Okay, so I only jacked one guy's dick. All right, and he's the sweetest guy still friends with a guy great You should jack his dick again. I'd love to with a really nice dick. So I'm talking about it. You want to talk about it. Sure Yeah, I think you said of course you almost said of course like you I'm almost every boyfriend. I'm an agamist I'm a serial monogamous. So You know, I wouldn't stay with somebody who had a bad dick

Was it curly? No No, I don't remember so much of it. I remember a little bit about it Smell a long time ago. I have a nice smell all the time. Dicks don't always smell nice. I'm sure everybody's generals don't Let's talk. Who the fuck is jacking dicks? I'll tell you who oh my god. Oh My god, oh my god, seriously seriously Seriously, oh my god, you take your fucking scissors. Oh my god your pudgy fucking monkey hands Seriously, press the box open cut a hole in it and pour the goddamn bottle. Oh my god, seriously

Oh my god, oh my god, let's see if we can go Maria We should clip my nails with your teeth. Yeah, we're coming over Hi there. Oh my god, brah. How are you? Okay, are you I'm here. Hi. How are you? I'm good. How are you good? We haven't spoken in a while I Wanted to ask you, you know last time we spoke We're talking about your severely

Assaulted anus and vagina and I just want to know how did it heal? The anus to forever to heal the vagina does not actually feel much faster It's only 10 days but vagina my butt to forever. It was like a good couple weeks before I was able to enjoy taking this shit again Really? Yeah, are you back to comfortable shit, so I am and actually being some massive massive impressive like stool like two three down today and so I decided to weigh myself before and after so I'm gonna see how big it was That's kind of me. They're like it's really big like a black man's arm big Longer toilet. Yeah, so I Scales okay, I'm gonna literally before and after each one of my stools. It's between 10 and 13 ounces

Jesus wait, so are you shitting abnormally big for a reason? Is this like a new thing you're doing? No, I've always had like, you know big shit, but they've been coming out like big arm long I had like explosives diarrhea for a couple days and then It slowly started to solidify itself again, and now I'm back to like big black arms. Oh the big black arm Yeah, yeah, I wonder how much money things way that's really interesting. Yeah, so I said away myself before and after I'm like Holy shit, my shit weighs almost a pound. That's almost the pound. Yeah, you know, I had The other day I ate almost entirely raw for the whole day breakfast lunch and dinner and yeah So many interesting sounds and smells and shits. It was really something really really

It's a lot rougher on your intestines to eat all raw. I can't do that. Yeah. No, I believe me I mean the farts were out of control. It was really rough on your intestines. Yeah. Hey, Maria Have you ever considered doing a coffee enema? A coffee enema? Yeah No, well, there's we were saying that like some people are really big into this detox Coffee thing, but then everything I've seen from doctors say that it's it's nonsense that you're just doing it It's complete nonsense. It's completely bullshit. All those detox things are complete crap. Yeah, let me tell you something If you want to detox your body from like all the drugs and drinking crap you've been eating

Drinking lemonade or a special coffee for fucking three days. It's not just shit You know, you'll get light-headed. You'll be like, oh my god, it's euphoric I'm amazing. I feel so much closer to God and spiritual and blah blah blah if you're fucking hungry You haven't eaten anything three days You really want to you know detox your body. Yeah, you quit doing clean talks within it for life That's the only way to really detox your body. What is it is to do to live a clean life to live a clean life That's the only way to not like yeah, I mean basically saying we did do that stuff Yeah, yeah, I mean basically don't do that shit like we did we do like a kind of like a cleanser basically like a week

It's amazing, but you know what happens? How do you start eating shit again? Like you blow back up and all that stuff happens. I mean the only way to do it It's just not habits not eat crappy things and you know, don't do drugs don't smoke and don't drink It's the only way you're not gonna have toxins in your body. What was on this crap? What was your age range when you started hand jobs was it because we're talking to Christina about it was it Really you guys are doing that in middle school Yeah, I mean we didn't know if you put our hands out of pants and like play with a penis

I mean, I had no idea how to properly give a hand job. I obviously learned that later on in life It sounds so advanced and dating people so I gave shitty hand jobs and like six grade So six great now was it because you were with in school with a bunch of like promiscuous Yeah, basically because everyone in my school was like a complete nutter slut And then the guys must be real pigs alcoholics and horny Teenagers is what happens. So we would you know drink fucking wine cooler than peach schnapps And then touch each other's peepees and pose each other's boobs like that's what oh my god

We did and take out of the house. I mean we're ridiculous when I think about the things that I did when I was 11 12 years old, I'm horrified about a lot of what my children would be doing Yeah, you were I would say you were the you were the biggest rebel of the of our family. Yeah, I'm out of windows I'm out of windows smoke and cigarettes Really young. Yeah, and you were Jack-in-dix Jack-in-dix I mean I was smoking in college. I was a teen smoker in college. Yeah, but I remember you

Like sneaking out of a window to smoke when you look at home, too Yeah So Christina was saying that all her sexual partners in high school were boyfriends Ones I had one in high school. Well, I'm saying though, but we're monogamous. Did you have? Like a bunch of one-night stands or were you pretty much boyfriends also? In high school. Yeah Now in high school My I lost my virginity was a one-night thing

I was just a friend of mine. I told him I wanted to lose my virginity and I wanted to know what the fuck I was doing Before I had you know, it was more like a look more like math class. It wasn't romantic and counter by any means And then there was boyfriends and then college is a you know college of my twenties were a lot of one-nighters a lot of one-nighters Well, yeah, my high school was a couple boyfriends I don't think that that many people in high school, but when when were your real big days was that in college or after college? My real big of sex definitely after that was like New York Yeah, oh my god. Yeah, New York is an easy city to be like a real surgeon. It's a I mean, it's a total blur of who and how many

You sound just like brace the jiggle It's a blur. I Mean god. Yeah, I mean a guy that dated but in between you go out and you go home with somebody and Wow I never ever ever ever got anybody home with me. Did you were you always safe or you always say for now? No, yeah, that I was always safe always. You were the one busting out condoms Always have condoms. No, I know shit with me. Mm-hmm. That was one thing always always Did you ever have like surprisingly you're finally a really small penises on people? Oh my god

I did do okay through two stories one. I had like a Miniscule a miniscule. I didn't even know he was inside me You know, it was really really bad if I liked him I dated him and he told me in advance I want you to know I have a really small cock. I'm like, okay I didn't think it was like, you know, it's a little nugget like a little And you dated him you dated him. I Well, not very long, you know, he tried to make up for another way. It just no So we don't last very long. I really liked him a lot though. That was in college. Oh, it's funny

I think Christina has a Kind of similar story where she yeah, it was I looked like I liked him a lot, but it was just It was it was tiny. It was like a piece of Trident chewing down now. I had one guy one guy in college had a small peener and then you you liked him though No, I liked him and then just fizzled out naturally. I didn't dump him because of that Yeah, I thought I didn't know because of that. I just kind of Me and I was talking back and you don't know he's in there and just kind of this about what's the second one the second one

Was it what is a shitty one? I'd say on it that I didn't date me a small penis and shitty and like It was awful. Just terrible. But I dated a guy who had really it looked like baby corn It was like super super skinny like a number two pencil skinny. It was so skinny. It was so gross like this Skinny skinny penis and it is straight blonde to the care that looks like this still from baby corn I just mean it was like a baby corn penis. I will never forget texting a friend of mine as soon as I saw it and I was like Oh my god, this guy's got baby corn in his pants. I can't see the family might have to be a kid awful It was too bad. I liked him too So terrible baby corn penis and I can never get that image out of my head and that was a boyfriend or kind of just like a hook-up

But we were kind of think we were thinking of dating I mean it wasn't serious, but we were in the beginning of the dating phase and after and it looked like baby corn get better Baby, I'm helping baby corn. I tried not looking at it and I kept hoping we'd get better Aside from that, he came way too fast and he wasn't really into like Leasing me. I kind of just got bored of it. So I can't do this Right Wow, so but I mean you feel like you worked it all out of your system obviously, right? That was a good run for you New York in the your 20s. It was a great run. Oh my god. I got so much out of my system

I you know I got a buffet of A minute from various regions and countries. I felt like a really Like I like to have my options and see what was out there. Yeah, did you Did you experience every race then, you know, no, I never had sex with an Indian. I remember asking Cynthia because she was on match and I was going on a date with a guy that was Indian and I asked her and I You know make jokes like oh, this is a curry No, different and she was like always make fun be like you're such a fucking racist, which I'm not Right. No, you try other flavors, right? I do. I never slept with an Indian

like a lot of little Eastern guys and Greek and Italian French English. Did you ever have an Asian? Not 100% Asian 100% he was half Japanese half Japanese half American Well, that's half Yeah, all right, so you kind of knew he was there inside. Yeah, and then how about You take chocolate-sized shits. You ever have a chocolate man So you really didn't hook up that that many different races, okay Call them in countries Armenian

Probably everything but never And then Latinos you did right Yes, Latinos That's Christina's favorite. That's her favorite flavor. That's the best one My god, no, the Puerto Rican I dated or it kind of did had like a fear of women touching its balls There's actually two guys I dated they wouldn't let me touch the ball They would protect him. It was very bizarre. I like to play the ball Okay, well, I'm glad you're a real ball player

Oh my god, I've never had a black one before so you've You're the the balls, that's your go-to move you grab balls Okay, that's great. I can I'll make sure to bring that up to him Maria do you ever Give kisses to Jeff's bumhole. Oh, yeah, we've been talking about this a lot Yeah, about what do you ever do you ever perform? Mouth kisses on his butthole. Do you ever do any of this? No, Jeff is a terrible fear of anyone or anything coming near his asshole Wait, does that mean you would do it?

They can't sit now. I mean You know, I put my finger in it or yeah, but not your time. I put inside now I've threatened to put objects in there all the time. Do you feel like your tongue won't go there because that's a disgusting place Yes, it's a disgusting place. It's where you poop. No, it doesn't mean that if I couldn't do it to me It's been done to me. I've had guys that are all in it about getting in the ass No one's go anywhere near and I know the shit that comes out of my husband and smell it from down here Yeah, I don't think I won't go anywhere near there. I agree. Good call. Yeah, that says that's Christina. I agree same for Yeah, I've been trying to hook her. I've been trying to rope her into it, but no

Maria, you know what your brother is capable of doing and I know Yeah, I know that would never ever happen. Thank you Yeah, you would both my son and my husband is funny to come like when they're naked and stand by me and fart And I can just feel the heat like on my arm from my leg and it's so gross Yeah, Tom, you would do that you would trick me and fart in my face I would never do anything like that liar never I have way too much respect for what's going on in That house to go in there and just fart as you're Making romantic times with me being a fart. Oh my god, mom has had the worst parts ever and her 71 years of life

So future it it felt it smells like a dumpster. I'm not kidding like a real real dumpster went to the house It's so bad. She's always had pride in the fact that they're loud, but they're not that smelly But now they anymore. Oh, no, it is it is rotten eggs. So you're like garbage way Now what do you what do you attribute that to she's a great great healthy eater? What do you attribute it to? I'm probably a week of just eating fried chicken and french fries and dessert Isn't it crazy though? Is she back now? Is she back home? Oh, so they're home? They're home. Oh, wow. That's great to know. Okay. Yeah

All right, well This was very informative. Thank you for telling us all your your dark dirty secrets I believe I love you and the picture is right. It's very cute. It's very cute picture. Isn't it so cute? Thanks Yeah, so she sent a picture of my niece taking her first bite First bite of food. It's very cute. Let me see. Yeah, I'll show it to you. So Maria jacked lots of dicks in school Yeah, I wasn't jacking dicks Like I said, I jacked one dick in height. Oh, she's cute. Oh my gosh. Sorry eating. Yeah, I jacked one dick

Like I said in high school, but that was my boyfriend. I don't know who the fuck is jacking dicks on The first date though dirty and disgusting. We're talking about girls. You asked if I jacked dicks on first dates Yeah, not happening. I mean, yeah, I was trying to think about there was a couple like real floozies Back then but I wasn't really into them. I'm talking about in high school. They're like, you know, what had gone down Like they were just like they had like those hooker vibes to them. Yeah But I that didn't happen that didn't go go down for me until later. Oh, really? Yeah A lot of girls jacking your dick on the first date. No, they're just blowing and fucking but that was like that's different. That's College out of college like when you're really on it, you know, but high school

There was a couple that you know that they would have like they just had those loose cool chick vibes but like not not Not really I can't believe she was like talking about middle school. Jesus. Yeah I think what held me is going to all girls Catholic school in high school eventually, right? There's no dudes. So there's no dicks to jack, right? That's the whole good point of that school But then I never was the kind Like I know a lot of girls and they go out on a date with a guy first date and he wants to have sex

They go, oh, I won't fuck you, but I'll suck your dick and to me that seems way more intimate to put some strangers Mount penis in the mouth those girls. That's a Such a welcome invite From for a first date, too. It's like I'm not gonna fuck you, but I'll suck. Oh my god What a remarkable girl, you know these girls These are friends ears No, babe, but sweet my friends are all married now, but these were you know, these are horrors. Oh, yes I was friends with in college

Muslim college Those are those are guys little angels God's Unreal yeah, that's to me always seem really backwards and logic to take some strangers painter in your mouth Oh, it gets crazy. It is but it's the kind where you just you keep your mouth shut if you're a guy you're like, okay Yeah, I guess I'll settle for that And then she's like, I'll swallow you can come my mouth. Okay You're such a cool chick speaking of cool chicks

The coolest chick that we've ever played on this show has a video that we that we've never really Explored and it's right. It's so great. Yeah, we explored it curse like cursory We weren't really into her at the time. That's the problem and by the way I know we're jumping around again, but bloodline is so good We kind of use that as we're discussing you just briefly, but can't tell you how good that show is the writing the acting It is a phenomenal series. It gets better and better That so many just great storylines in it and that POS is such a Well, and it's it's an interesting conundrum to have as a family because you know

Everyone's got the POS in the family and what do you do? Right? You know, you got to give people second chances third chances because they're your family But on the other hand there can be really destructive assholes, it's a fine line between empathy and like You know, you got to shut people out sometimes. Yeah, so that's an interesting story. It is. Yeah, it is So there's that and now there's this Kim and it's my name. I am in 60 plus milts and fear no more as

It ladies out there or gentlemen out there. I will walk you through How to enjoy a no sex. Oh boy, it's very very simple you simple preparation for this Act and or enjoyment. I found myself. It's very erotic You will need to it's fun. It's interesting when somebody has the insight to tell you that anal sex is very erotic I find pleasure joy it very erotic It's like her English is weird on this one on this one. Yeah, not the other ones. I am in 60 plus milts

This is a primary. It's a must night before after meals you warm up the enema liquid and Insert by using the gesture of all four and There is already self lubrication here. What is she fucking saying? I don't know I don't all fall and self lubrication big dildo. She's got an enema Responsibility and I feel that you will Enjoy the erotic

anal sex to the maximum please visit me at 60 plus milts and Rocky it's right here. What's rocky look like? He's shirtless wearing jeans of course fan of the show Not a lot of emotion in the face. Yeah, dead by nice. Well, he's like I got a plow this fucking 60 year old right now It's not exactly probably what he had in mind. Sure Because he's probably 23 oh, wow, you know

to demonstrate What I'm talking about I bet you can't wait Oh You're really good I'll let you fuck me in my pussy He's like

Like this 60 plus me. Oh, she did her fake lip licking when she does that where she licks her teeth Oh 60 plus me 60 plus me You're going to have sex in my So now they're gonna just get her asshole ready, okay But she changes into I don't know you can describe this. Let's see what she's wearing you can probably So many other things flashing on that page

What do you call that outfit? Oh my god That's hard to describe it's there's a bra and panty set But then she's got some lacy ribbony things that go around her belly kind of those what color is that? Purple purple. I tell you though came I ain't for 60 plus meal. She's got a banging body She's got a banging body. She's got the good fake tits. Yeah Yeah, she's taking care of her a-hole even look nice for that age taking care of herself. Yeah She looks good. That's cuz command has two degree nose

Nutrition and self-preservation Came a toy here. So she gets her toy She lubes up this toy This guy's He's as he just pretend it's Kind of Oh dear Yes, I

Think he's your flavor. I think he's like a reekin or something. He doesn't seem that into it. No So now she's laying on her back and she's spreading Spreading everything open And now she's toying with her asshole Help she's gonna put it in slowly baby. Oh boy. She's putting the toy in her asshole now So she's just showing them to you know, you gotta open things up Right Sounds like a lot of work to have anal because she says two enemas

Yeah, it's a lot Fingers in there's really one finger one fingers, right? Right so he's fingering her asshole now She's an expert though open up some more Oh Second fingers two fingers second fingers. Oh god. She hears that second fingers That's hot. It's not hot. It's not really hot. No, it's not. You got it. You got a juice. It's rolling Oh, Jesus christ

Oh my god. Oh my god. Why ain't her butthole when you're gonna do it in your vat? Oh She likes it. No, thanks She likes it. Now. He's doing three fingers in her butthole Oh, and she keeps licking her teeth. It's so gross. Can you imagine? No, you're hard cut dip in me. Oh my god. I'm gonna throw up Okay, she's so felt phony too like Yeah, she's like Okay, I got it. I got it

Okey-dokey, okay, okay. Well, you got it. She's doing it. I can't look anymore The the whole thing is that There's There's a whole there's you know, there's levels to this Okay, so what she's trying to teach the viewer is that you start with little toy One finger. So did she use lubricant? I don't I didn't yes. Okay. Yeah, she put lubricant in there. I'm so confused No, I don't be confused. So now I don't feel good. I don't feel good anymore. Rocky. Rocky's coxswain. Oh, no

They're gonna see you Oh god, I gotta take my headphones off. Why she's so gross Is he ready? Is he is he limp? We don't know yet. It's not in view yet Jesus now we jumped ahead. Well, it's not small. I'll tell you that Rocky. No Rocky works in this industry for a reason Hmm Rocky's off with light for me. Yeah, there's some weird bumps on it though. Hmm. Hmm Oh, I don't like that sounds

Ah, Jesus Christ, Tom. Well, you're the one that sent me the video. I didn't send it to you a listener sent it in Wow, god, she's so weird. Look at this thing. Why she's a 60 year old woman? Oh no, no, she's spreading apart her asshole for him Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It is like watching your grandma. Yeah. Yeah, she's old man. It's tough But she knows what she's doing. She's not good. I don't know You know what she knows of that? She doesn't really go for it in my opinion. She's not going for it. Jesus. What do you want her to do? She's using more hand than mouth. I mean that's she's barely putting her mouth on. That's another criticism here Okay, I got it. That sounds like mouth to me. Thanks

Let me have it, baby. So now came in Sounds like sounds like Diego smelling farts Is that in her butt now? It's in her butt. Okay, and it was like it's not a problem. Oh, it's not a problem. Whoa It really isn't it really isn't a problem All right, I feel sick. Oh, that's right. That's that's right. I feel sick. You feel sick Well, there's the Kimann anal video You're right. Her body looks like 30 years younger than her. I don't know how she does this Video's long too. Yeah, I think I'm done. I don't know if you are but

I still don't know how it ends. We know how this movie ends came I She's Exhausted I need a nap now for this video. I didn't know. I'll heat up Oh, he she let him in her Vagina, you're not supposed to do that. You're not supposed to go back to order for China. You know who she reminds me of um you remember lethal weapon three

the uh The the Chinese guy that they give the gas to in the dentist chair. Do you know what I'm talking about? No, dude Benny God, I can't remember. We're not supposed to go back to order front. You're not supposed to do that. She That's not very educational video command It's uncle Benny at the dentist then the chocolate goes into the The vagine it's not good. Tell me if this doesn't remind you of god So you looked at her. Okay. Sure. Sure. Sure now. Tell me if

Uncle Benny lethal weapon. Oh, it's four. Sorry. Come lethal weapon four She she kind of looks like him to me if you take away The body and stuff just focus center of the face what you see. Okay, sure All right, hold on. I'm just pulling it up This is um, such a great great scene Doctor, excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you. We have an emergency a man has just walked in from off the street He's in a lot of pain. I'll keep it or come with me. Okay. Thank you. Benny. Sorry. I'm sorry. I have to buy her

So this is a It's a great scene So there's peshy distracting the doctor so that mel Gibson and danie gleber can go in and talk to uncle benny So they they trick him Come on. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Let me do my job You hurt me. I'm gonna stick an egg bro right up there. I'm talking out. Oh, oh, yeah, there's caban. Yeah, same mouth, right? That's so weird. She looks like an old chinese man She's from thailand, right? Yeah

Yeah, this guy's chinese. Wow. That's weird. That's weird You know, they both have like that slight over bite Oh, yeah, they're big teeth and over bite and then down turned lips. Yeah, and then big lips. Yeah Wow, what do we go? This scene right here. This makes it reminds me the most right this part right here Maybe they're related. Hmm. That's came out. He's dead Now you saw that Okay. Yeah. Yeah, it's the same Yes, it's the same

Gave it to me, baby. Gave it to me, bae For a lady with two degrees it's weird that she's doing porn. I know Okay, can we I go we can dent done. You don't want the scene to end. I'm finished. I get it How does it end? Don't even know what happens next She's going to let him give it to her. We know what's going to happen My pussy, okay Yes, oh, I'm ready for you. Okay

All right, um, I'm so depressed now Should we uh Should we see how my parents vacation just yeah, I'd love to let's see if we can get them on the phone Um Hey dad Hello Dad Hey, Tommy. Hey buddy. How you doing? Good. How's it going?

Good. Good. Um, can you turn that down for a second? Oh, I'm watching the, uh, lsu Uh, whole miss game right now. Oh, okay Mom was praying for 15 every day. Well, good. I'm very happy. Um, I wanted to see how your trip was Well, the first of all It each cruise is different. Uh-huh. This was the cruise where I slept the best I think I think I think it had a gigantic sleep deficit because I slept the best They were kind of waves the whole cruise. So the ship rocked a little bit. Yeah

And I slept like a baby. That's great. I'm so happy to hear that and I got at least I mean minimum seven hours sleep every night. Do you feel better? You feel better? I feel I feel really good actually Good. I'm happy to hear that. I really do Wonderful and mom of course had She had an interesting diet. She had Half of a bite of one vegetable. Okay, and then she had chicken fries and rice

Every night for breakfast for dinner and lunch. Oh, wow. Maria was saying that lately mom has been farting way worse than before She's had mom had a fart that I swear to god, Tommy If there were any bugs or insects in our room, they died. Okay These are the worst farts. I have smelled In almost 40 years of marriage. Well, can I talk to her for a second? Can I ask her? Yeah, because this needs this needs to be discussed. Okay, Tommy wants to talk about your farts Tommy they were so bad. I couldn't understand it. Really? No, it was horrendous. Now horrendous horrendous. What are you? I I didn't smell it before you passed on my god, tom

I mean by the time he smelled it. I already was dying What do you attribute this to because I know that like I talked to maria and maria was saying she's never Her like and then in her all her life that right now your farts are the worst. What what's going on? No, I think it in it the food in that place have to have some spice or and put a million too much starch and too much sugar Yeah, but you've always eaten that way and you know, I think it's extreme because I didn't like the food so I sold it with

More bread and cookies and but is it kind of exciting in a way that you know You've always been known for the noise of your farts that now you finally are at the place This is not exciting. This is the most embarrassing thing that can happen to me that I can understand it Yeah, but I mean you're not taping this by any chance. No, of course You're taping this for me. Of course. This is our show. Okay. I will never talk to you again if you're taping this Of course, I'm taping If I don't don't you ever question about my farts. I think this is not funny That's not funny

Get out. She's not she's She's very funny. They were they were horrible. That's enough I'm not allowed to talk about I've never been left this hard since I've known him okay Oh, oh, yeah So, let me tell you yeah Uh chat. Do you remember the name of the comedian on the cruise? The Jewish guy some Jewish guy. Oh, yeah, that's that comic. I remember him

Yeah, anyway, he I mentioned that I Yeah, mom really I mentioned We were just chatting And uh I mentioned your name to show small world. Yeah, the beard. Yeah, he was really successful. So Oh, okay. You know It's very nice. That's very nice father. Um

So tell me about for your food. Did you have good food on your no, we did not have good food I was disappointed Extremely disappointed. Okay. What happened? Why do you think that happened? Because the selection wasn't that great Yeah And the flavor wasn't that great which surprised me. Okay, particularly didn't have that many things You know, there's a You know in the course there's more of this

They have the Asian section. I don't eat anything Asian as you know, okay Right. Yeah, I remember and then they have you know, the the the uh I don't like Italian food either, you know, that's the weirdest by the way I have never been able to solve this mystery Especially because as somebody that really enjoys food. I mean their cuisine is kind of thought of as you know, I think You only think of Italian food as lasagna or spaghetti and meatballs But you realize that it covers way more bases than that, right? Oh, I know that we went to we went to the Italian restaurant

And and it was there was one dish that this Was one dish the one I don't know was an appetizer So I'm just pretty good, but in general the dinner wasn't that great I want no, I'm talking. No, I'm not gonna help. I'm not my dinner was No, you're yours. I really liked it. It was kind of nice. It was kind of really You're not you're not loud talk right now, so Well, when you come out here, there's a Venetian Italian place that it's nothing like you imagine Italian food to be like that

I really want to take you to because if I didn't tell you that it was Italian you wouldn't know Well, okay, I'll be happy to give that a shot the uh The steakhouse was good, but it wasn't as great as I thought it would be And but the one thing that really surprised me the real absence of Good seafood selections, you know, everybody Has tilapia. Well, the reason tilapia is so popular Is because it's raised in fish farms and it's cheap. Yeah, okay, of course, you know But they don't have really and then they had, you know, lobster night where you get, you know

And but you don't get claw meat. You get tail meat. I like claw meat And so, um Breakfast was fine. I mean they had but the bacon has no flavor Okay, so the sausage was good. The bacon is like flavorless bacon I didn't know there was such a thing that's bacon with no flavor. That's very does it. What what cruise line was this? Is that a creature? Well, what's surprising is how in america, which is a good cruise line

Now did you bring your own toilet paper? No, I didn't because we're going on how in america and they actually have high quality toilet paper and did you have High quality dumps or were how were they? No, let me tell you what let me tell you what I did And this is going to surprise you a little bit. I did not have one dessert all week. What? Not one. Why what was your reasoning? Try to cut down on the calories. Okay. I'm very proud of you

And so I didn't really stuff myself. So I did not have any You know mega dumps on the whole cruise. Wow. So mostly normal like threes and fours Um Yeah, threes and fours threes and fours normal, but no No battle. Nope. No aircraft carriers. No battleships basically Basically a lot of destroyers. Okay No, did you did you stay hydrated? I know you haven't been hydrating as much. Did you please tell me you're drinking water and staying hydrated?

Uh Mostly on the cruise is as I since I've cut down on bad coke at home I drank and I've been drinking iced tea since I've been home. I splurged and drank a lot of bad coke on the cruise That's fine. But I mean doesn't that lead to kind of like ones and twos we have to grind them out a little more Um, yeah, it does. Yeah, when you when you're on the iced tea You're right. You're right. So will you please up your water now that you're home? Oh, yeah, I will I'll go back to the iced tea. Um, can I ask mom something real quick? She just left her room the other in which I noticed on hall america

A lot of older women with no tips. Oh really? And I was just thinking I was thinking about this on the cruise. What what life would be like for women to grow up Never having tips It's a very interesting question. You think it's sort of like a small dick when you have no tips Well, I think it's it's it's worse. Okay, because people know they know every day. Okay. Yeah, you know And you see a lot of I mean you see just tons of a cups. Okay all over the place That's a real bummer that kind of bums me out when I see that many small tits Oh, yeah, I feel bad for the people knowing that, you know, they they

They can't even spell the word cleavage. Okay. Yeah, you feel bad for you feel bad for the guy that's with those small tits, too well Yeah, you know, it's I really didn't take it that far. Okay. I mean I was I was kind of on relax. So I didn't do any what you call long-range thinking right now What about the the pigs you see some real big ones on there? No, I this is the thing that got me not a lot Of watermelons on the cruise really

But this is this is really funny, you know, the different cruise lines have different racial makeups hot american has Few the fewest amount of african-americans Which would be really politically correct with all the right words. Okay, and But they had a bb king band, okay, and They had this one Older lady the one out the dance floor and you know

She and one thing that they do out of it anybody else Is they can sing soul music and they can dance. I don't care Blacks they can dance better than anybody. Oh, absolutely. You think they can dance the best Oh, you know, there's nothing worse than watching Two older white people who can't dance try to dance. That's the worst thing in the world It really is. Okay, but watching black singing dance is a real treat It was always a shower. It's me was the best to get up there and they just add that whole Soul thing of course I was raised on the motel. You know, so I that part of the cruise I I really

Enjoy now you I have to tell you this and your mother I I left during the comedy act because for me the only comedy act I care about in the world is yours. Okay. Thanks dad Um, that's very I'm just telling you that I can't change. Okay. I know. Um, that's very nice So can you can you can you holler at mom now that I'm done recording? Can you holler at her for a second? Okay, okay. Thanks. They go get her How's Christina doing? She's good. She's good. She's um, yeah, we're getting there man. We're getting close So we're getting close to d-day, aren't you? Yeah, very excited Very exciting. Let me get mom. My Mesa

Oh, she's become You're gonna die when I tell you this she's become an expert on football I mean, this is the best news ever She she knows And she knows the the headquarter. Okay. Do that guy is right your headquarter. Yeah, hold on. Here he is Okay, it's not called the headquarter. He's making fun of me. That's true. You know football now Oh my gosh, let me tell you he left today And the TV was on and I was unpacking and then all of a sudden I watched and it was a college football game

Mm-hmm I find out Florida against Florida Atlantic and then I got in curious because they thought that Florida Atlantic has been one since 2007. Yeah, I started playing the case. I watched the whole thing I And I think I know who is the wild receiver. I don't know who is the kicker. How'd they do? I thought maybe in the lost and so much they went over time and after they went over time the Florida

Make a pass to the I guess that's the word And they scored the touchdown. So now the other team got the ball. I cannot believe five chances And and they and the kicker means the kick in the Florida So now the other team basically Have to score and and kick And and they couldn't believe that mom Dad was saying that He didn't hydrate as much. So he had to grind out some of his uh,

His dumps on the cruise like he had Ones and twos which are like harder stools Can you please make sure that he hydrates more now that he's home? Yeah, yeah, you're right. He wasn't to diet cocks and diet cocks Yeah, because he really hasn't been drinking that much. Well, that's good. That's great. How did you find? Did you find that he was his stomach was easier to deal with on the cruise or no? Yes Because of because of restricting food

He didn't restrict food to me at all. Oh, but he didn't have desserts He didn't have the service period, but no he didn't restrict anything and the italian food He went because they invite us. Yeah, I mean we have an invitation and he didn't want to go and say something But that's something that I like so when we try it Well, we're sitting next to another two ladies very sophisticated And she just volunteered to tell me that I should try what she was half and but but but I feel that not to order So I ordered it and it's those creamy dishes that I hate The minute he saw your fire tested and we ain't switching dishes. So I ate his uh

Whatever she was having lamb or beer beer piccata, I think it's called And he ate my dish and he licked the plate Really? I mean he loved it. He says oh my god Well, let me ask you looks like your farts are kind of the top of the chain right now. What were dad's farts like? Not bad not bad No, not bad really No, I guess it's because I was so bad that they nobody could be bad next to me

Did you notice did you notice that his dumps were any different? I'm not going to check his dumps in a trillion years Can you imagine let me check your dump That would be the day Oh my god Oh my god, do you imagine that his are pretty horrific or no? Well, the fact that he spent You know, this is what he does that I don't understand. We go and have breakfast or lunch

We're walking to our room and it's a long because we're at the end We're forward to the end of the ship Yeah, and You eat in the middle so by the time you're walking we start walking another time He started walking with the two legs Very tight together, but really really really fast like don't act. Yeah And I said don't what I do I need to hurry up. I can't hurry up. You're the one who needs to poop

I mean he barely makes it to the room. I have to run open the door for him So it's an explosion button two seconds later done Yeah, he said boy that was a big one and I said please don't describe But do you think that's probably that's probably really messy and sloppy, right? I have no idea, but I can tell you I never understand that let me go and ask him It's probably a chocolate explosion kind of disgusting but kind of disgusting question But yeah, you made me curious to know if they are known. Yeah, you say on the phone though. You ask him Right when you run to the bathroom

Which you did a many times when we are at the way Can you stop that if you think when I'm talking? And you look like this because you run to go to caca. Okay Is it normal or is it like a sloppy machine? You didn't have one single slapping So wait, but when it's that wait, wait, but when it's that rushed well, how does it come out? Finally look at it question wrong. How does it come out? Oh, I'm just trying to look at you. I'm looking caca. So hurry up

Oh This needs to stop it slides a knife It's like Like it's like when you go down It's like when you go down a slide in a pool, it's like those are his cacas like they are like going down a slide like that Oh Okay, please. Okay. I love you guys. I'll give you a call later. Okay Okay, but I want to know how it's Christina. Please. I spend my life praying and singing about her. She's well

Yeah, she's great. She's doing great and we're almost there, but she's feeling good. Everything's good Okay, let me call you when I get out of here. I gotta okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Bye. I love you My favorite is when she got really upset Yeah, and she had to go away. She's like, I am taping this that she got mad She got really mad. I like when she yells in the background. It's my favorite. Yeah, I'd love how upset it makes her You think she'd get used to it after you you and uh top dog talking about this for the last 36 years I know right, but God, it's so funny

It never is a thing that she'll ever get used to. Um All right, you want to do this? Come on shake your body baby do that come on. No, you can't control yourself any longer It's would you rather time so weird. It's such a brown heavy show. It's not like us It is not like us And we got a couple emails we'll read after the would you rather I want there's one in particular I really want to read on the show. Oh, this is would you rather the one that was submitted Uh, I'm saying an email a separate email of a brown. I know what you're going to talk about and I love that fucking email

That's so great. Let's do that after this though. Yeah, so the would you rather this would you rather that was submitted? Is that submitted one? Yeah, it was yeah, this is uh, should I'm so jason submitted this is so good Um says hey mummies listen to today's podcast An older one and heard the would you rather segment I thought of one That I'm shocked hasn't been Would you rather take an improv class taught by steven segal? Or watch a steven segal movie with him and give him commentary the entire time and he gives commentary or give him You give him commentary. No and have him give comment. Oh, I'm sorry. I have him give you

So he tells you how good his acting is and what he masterfully did in that scene. Yeah. Oh my god That's a good one. That's really really good. That that is Shit if I can Hall of Fame level good as far as would you rather is going it really makes me Makes me think I am the king of improv if you forgive my saying so Um, she's it's so amazing So look both of those scenarios are going to end and you being physically assaulted Okay, uh both him teaching you improv and him

Teet telling you how good of an actor he is. Oh my god. I think it's it's interesting because I think There'd be more laughs and more joy in sitting And watching him go on about himself Watching him in the movie. Yeah watching him watch himself in a movie and talk about it would be another Level that would blow your brain like this segment that I do this clip that I just played of him talking like I'm the king I mean, I am the king of improv if you forgive my saying so Is is just an interview about a movie that he's not even currently watching

If you were watching a movie, I imagine that I basically imagine that we can't imagine How how awesome it would be and that's why that would be my now the improv class Would be funny, but ultimately disappointing because he's not he's really not good at improv longer You're looking at a four to five six sessions Right, you know what I mean? Like an improv class lasts about a month or two months depending And I I think that he's the type that he just In his mind his gift for improv is an innate and he would just say like well, I would just

See what I would do here and that's why this is good. There's no technique I think he would be over like he doesn't have a lot to share in terms of how to be good at that So it would be funny because it's bad But it would be over and I whereas if the move the more the movie gives the more bullshit that would come out of him well, uh, I thought back to uh, 1984 a friend of mine named, uh, Sakuri Matatoto told me He told me a story about the world sometimes when the wind whispers You know, you can it it speaks to you. So do you understand what I'm saying and you have to go like, yeah

No, no, I understand what you're saying. So I thought about that right here When I I took the kitchen knife out of the block And I stabbed that man and you're like, wow, that is really interesting story. You have to just keep nodding That's how you keep a guy like Seagal going too, by the way letting him pontificate and and and being and Being effusive with your own compliments to him about how amazing I'd like to hear his prep work for the scenes How he got in, you know, how did he get into character? The the kicky fighting the kicky punching scene. Oh, that's the thing the great thing too because he's so fat now You could be like, so what kind of training did you do for this scene? And he'd be like, ah, he's got in the gym

I kept where you like yeah, because you look great Yeah, no Like imagine watching maximum kick edge with him and being like what the fuck is happening in the scene He's like, well right here. There's a explain to the warden that I can't come I improvise all these Yeah, yeah, yeah, no shit Sound like like fucking Hemingway wrote this. Yeah, it's really good, man Yeah, mm-hmm. I mean I always look for a movie a script that speaks to me Yeah, this is really it spoke to me the whole time. Obviously it was speaking to me

So I would take watching a movie With the greatest actor of all time, Steven Seagal and having him Talk about how great he is Yeah, because the only thing more fun than watching Steven Seagal act is watching Steven Steven Seagal talk about acting Yeah, he you know what he need we need to have an inside the actor studio with Steven Seagal It would be the greatest highest rated thing ever in The last time I asked the CIA To provide me with people and answers

They gave me people and answers that answered my questions the way they wanted it to be answered meaning the cia He's asking the cia. Yeah, of course So There would be so uh, it would be so rich It's such a brilliant idea which they could and they could get him to it like they could really If they were like if there was enough worship going out to Steven about like how they wanted to do this I think they could get him to do it Are you kidding he was he is dying to talk about his craft. Oh

He is we could probably invite him on the show and have the best thing would be that When they talk about acting he would just be like it's just something I can do like because everything is just for him easy Like that's right. I just do it. He wouldn't know how to teach anything because it's just innate one thing a cop told me You know, I spoke to a cop that had him That they had Seagal show up for one of these seminars And he was like doing the kind of the eye roll that that I do imagining that Like we got Steven Seagal here today And he said uh as far as a shot like a guy

Pulling a gun out of a holster and shooting. He said best shot I've ever seen in like 20 years of policing Yeah, like the guy is An expert marksman. Steven Seagal. Yeah. Oh, bullshit. No, I swear to god They said he said I've never seen anything like it. The guy wasn't but I mean He's obviously going to be proficient at some of that stuff, you know, yeah But he confuses that like with Everything else everything like just because you're good at one thing. Yeah Um, well, maybe he is a savant. What a brilliant. That was a great. Would you rather um

Even though I'll let's be honest here if he was teaching an improv class You have $5,000 for me to be in that class I would pay that to take improv classes from Seagal just for the sheer joy Of watching and witnessing that I mean would anything be better and he's like you got a yes and Now she throws something out. He doesn't even know that shit though. Like well, whatever his version of that Would be even better He's terrible. It's fantastic. You want to do your would you rather? Yeah. Yeah, so I was thinking would you rather Don't move your foot when I put my foot on your foot. You let it happen. Okay, sorry

Would you rather Every time you see another human being for the rest of your life you have to answer these four questions So think about it. You're going to your car You see the neighbor and or whoever and every fucking time you have any exchange with somebody you have to answer these These four questions these person will ask you these same four questions and you have to answer them. Just it's not it's not major It's just annoying. So Someone's just like hey, Tom. How's it going? Hey, why doesn't know your name? So you go. What's it? How's it going? What's your name?

Like the weather I guess hey, what did you eat last? I had uh Italian okay, and then you can go on with your day Or would you rather That these are the only four topics you can bring up with another human being ever for the rest of your life so it's Either that every time you see every time you see another person like even if it's me it's how's it going? How's it going? What's your name? You like the weather? What did you eat last?

Even people you know even people you know or Okay, so it's essentially what it is is either have that or just small talks the only conversation You can never have you realize that you're the other side of your would you rather Would be that every time I see you I could only ask you. How's it going? What's your name? Do you like the weather and what did you eat last? Yeah, one of those is probably part of our repertoire of course eating What did you eat last but yeah, holy shit? Yeah, um, I feel like you have to choose

That it's every time you see another person because otherwise you'd never have an intimate conversation you go crazy, right? There's no intimacy left in your life, but some people some pos is this is all they talk like well. Yeah If you're real pos but like some people in the florida keys Yeah, this is all the shit they talk about blood farts. Yeah, that's not that problem not that big of a deal Jesus man. It's horrific. It's horrific to us Yeah, it would have to be now. It's gonna get old We're like our neighbor walks out. How's it going good now? Do you have to go to all four every time? Yes Why do you have to have all four? Why can't you just I'll tell you how I came up with this because as a pregnant person

I get asked the same fucking questions Every time a human being sees me just because it's obvious. It's there. Everybody knows I'm pregnant Well, how you doing? How you feeling? When's the baby coming? What are you having and I answer these same questions the same questions And I get it. I know why it's just because obviously I'm you know large and I know why they're doing it. It's just a fucking annoying It's super annoying. It's so and strangers. It's everybody Oh Yeah, what do you have? I would do a stranger. Otherwise, I don't get to talk to you ever again in any way shape or form

We couldn't do this podcast. No, well, we could but it would be called. How's it going? What's your name? You like the weather and what did you eat last? So every episode I would be like it's going pretty good. I'm tom by the way Well, it's kind of hot It's just that some pastrami And then I'd be like What what about how are you doing? How are you doing? What's your name? Good Christina. Were you like do you like the weather the weather?

It's okay. What'd you eat last? I had a sandwich. I know. All right guys. Thanks for listening to this show I know no now I have one more would you rather would you rather Have sex you're not gonna do this with no I am with charlie sheen, but he's wearing a lamp skin condom Or cosby no condom. Wow. You really really thought this one out. What do you think? Fuck well lamp skin doesn't protect against hiv, but he's also has an undetectable level of hiv Or get raped by cosby or have consensual sex with well, it's what you rather I mean, it's we're not gonna say you get raped, but I don't know if you necessarily want to have sex with them

With either. Well, right. So I mean, but in another scenario is a rape scenario It's just well, I'd have to say, you know, they're both shitheads. They both are horrific. They're shitty people Cosby at least we don't know to have hiv or any Right disease. I mean hiv. I just don't want that. So I'd have to go with the cause I guess You'd go with the cause because lamp skin doesn't protect you against std's anyways. It's only for birth control Well, it's a pretty good chance. You're not gonna get it though I don't know Yeah, I don't know. I mean

Yeah, but they're not in either scenario. You know, you're not being protect protected against sexually transmitted I mean, if it was latex, would you definitely go to sheen? Yeah Oh, really? Because that's that's a lot of people live with hiv and have sex and that's how they do it. So That condom works apparently. I would go with cosby. Are you serious? Yeah Well, you want me to go with sheen? Why? Why the cause the cause is evil though. It's like having sex with hitler It's not like having sex with hitler horrible human being. He's terrible, but between the two I'm going to the cause Sheen's just crazy. The cause might be violent. I don't know. He's violent. He's a rapist, babe That doesn't mean he's violent. He's a diabolical

Evil person, but I still like all that pooties in the fridge. Okay, and you know, he's got a great story I'd be like do the dentist story. You still like him. You still like him. No, I'd say do the dentist bit And then he'd be like that was a good button to drill Usually best with boys. I'm probably gonna buy Now he's horrible. He's a horrible person but Um, I I don't think that that sheen's a good person. No, they're both shit turds. Yeah Well, no, there you have it

Oh Yeah, I'm so impressed you're gonna stop at the best part of the song Um This is the email I wanted to read before we go. That's so funny So this is so gross but so funny. Um, okay, we got the message here. So jeans I was a podcast behind just listened to a funeral. I wanted to tell you I had I've had the discussion about browning van peen I had it in my anatomy class

Really see that's science now such good stuff. Yeah, don't cry about what you guys only talking about shitting. No, this is called science now I'm curious that way. I guess I guess you are So the reason you urinate after you brown is to show you you are done browning Back in the day before toilet paper your urine was used to clean your butt It's sterile and when you're done browning your body instinctively urinates so you can wipe away the bum bum Wow, isn't that fascinating? It's absolutely fascinating and it kind of makes sense and he said I always found it interesting and hilarious Thought you might too love the show keep up the browns. You don't know who sent that. I don't have a name here

No, I apologize. I think it was a girl the thing is is that does that work the same for men though? Does it does it trickle on your butthole? Well, no, but but that's I'm saying you could you you could if you knew if If yellow was coming out after your brown I guess if we're talking Hundreds of years ago you would have been squatting down right you'd be squatting openly and you could I don't know use your hand or something to to grab that yellow Put it in that brown hole

Makes sense though because the yellow washes away the brown. Yeah, that is something else Um, by the way, you also sent me Wow, you you put in this document 50 vines This was submitted to us. I didn't I didn't collect all these vines. Just you know, okay, so these are just Okay, so there's that guy's vine his vine is called manqueef Uh Fuck you monday Okay

Yeah, that's that's his next vine. This is great and manqueef just What up bitches those are his vines. This is from chelsea from aset susitz Chelsea submitted these vines was uh Ah She said this is a nice replacement for king az ribber to fill the hole happy friday fuckers. What do y'all go do tonight? And he uh, it's good. It's good. I like it. He's really good. I'm into this manqueef It's really really what's going on people

Oh And it's just an endless I like this that he um, here's a holiday valentine's vine Valentine's valentine's day valentine's day Yeah I sense a theme in these there is a there is a theme There's uh, this one's called the branding. It's a brand if you will. Yeah, this is the definition of love You know when your woman loves you when she's sucking your dick and you fart and she keeps going that's love

You know when Do you disagree I don't that's not happen to us. This is his most liked vine. I don't know what's Hey, what's up? Oh shit Hey, wow, that was the most liked one. There are hundreds on his page again, if you are a Viner, he's manqueef on vine Oh, thank you. Chelsea from Massachusetts

Redskins win cowboys lose it's a good one Really cool really cool. He's really got something neat going man. This is a fart from a porno that came in. This is a Lesbian massage scene That was it That's cute that's really adorable actually It's better than the girl having to be like oh you're nasty you like to fart you bad boy You see how normal this is to women laugh and then yeah hetero porn's the worst I'm still laughing

Yeah, and the girl doesn't mind really yeah, they just laugh Oh, you're nasty boy I like making you that relax Trying to bring it back I wonder what else will make you relax Good save. That's a good save. Oh, yeah, you nasty boy. You like to fart do you? You farted my face God babe Jesus Christ

All right, are you done? Yeah, we're done gross Yeah, we're done. I just farted in my own face. Did you? Oh Come on check your body, baby. Do that mamba do the mama jimba jibba jibba. Bumpa Um, all right jeans Anything you got to say to your I just think I love you to your constituents I think I love you guys, but you're made of dog parts and you're not very smart You're not very smart

You were um Criticizing I'm just pulling so my fart song. What are you saying about it earlier? I don't remember No, I wasn't criticizing. I was just giving. Oh, yeah producing you. Yeah. Yeah Because you have a song you've been singing to me for years right All right. Well, look, thanks to we'll sing it. Let's do it. Tell me how you feel about my farts Tell me how you feel. Tell me how you feel. Tell me how you feel about my fart, right? And but when you sing it, I hear diamonds and pearls

Tell me how you feel Tell me how you feel Tell me how you feel About My farts after the a to the a to the t to the s of love. I hear that when you sing that Yeah, I mean with my computer or something. Oh, no Here we go. We're losing half our listeners already people are

People are racing the episode right now. Does they hear that? Well, it's the very end It just reminded me of this Here we go There he goes. There you go. Did you hear me say That I will never run Oh, baby. Tell me how you feel. See? Yeah I've been with you about my farts. Love is never too. Tell me how you feel. Sniff a butter too. Now tell me what you thought I've got a fart for you. Yeah, I see. If he gave you diamonds and pearls

Would it be at the point Yeah, if I could've would give you the world Yep, well all I can do is just I'll put you my love Oh, he's so good This is so good. So he's really talented We always fire My game we just live Love is fire

How do we convey Tell them the same Yeah Love is ridiculous To play You know how much hey tweets and hate mail we're gonna get just Five second thing of him. I know I know. Don't fucking play daily. Hey, Jaylee. I know I get it. Nobody likes him All right, thanks to my sister maria my mom my dad

Hopefully you are All fascinated as I am and we are by Maria's sex capades and oh my god charo's farts jack and dicks and jr. Tom's Dumps. All right, we love you. Thanks for listening to the show guys. Bye jeans. See you soon. Bye. Bye Which is maria and which is a real porn star I want to be blocked with my face You