Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 325-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 6, 2016

The Main Mommy is back! Tina doesn't let a little thing like delivering a baby hold her back. She's in the Dome and talking about what's important: Farts, Big Words, Graphic Sex and Steven Seagal. Sometimes all together.  This episode has everything including intel about a certain Super Bowl winning coach. You won't believe what we saw him do.  Jeans up forever!

I'm back Yeah, guess what I got a lady with me in the studio and she is the official main mommy we're both official mommies now we are official mommies can't believe it we'll get into a whole bunch of that soon really quickly I got to tell you I will be in Denver downtown Denver at

the comedy works downtown Denver January 13 through 16 it's coming up and take its move fast in Denver so if you want to come to the show please get your tickets now go to Tom cigarette comm flappers everyone asked me about Los Angeles when you do Los Angeles shows I'm doing four shows at flappers

comedy club in Burbank January 22nd and January 23rd so make sure you get those if you want to see me in LA wise guys in Salt Lake City shark shark Lake titty Utah shark bake shark shark bake yeah that's wise guys silly February 5th and 6th and I'm going back to the great city of Phoenix sometimes known as

Barton X I'm going there also in February in February at the end of February 26 and 27 it's only four shows so come to those shows those tickets standup live comm I'll get them on the website right quick yo so make sure you get those all I guess said Tom cigarette comm a lot of cities coming up by a

book stand up through the summer bunch of cities haven't been to in a while so it should be a good time and of course my big announcement is that this Friday January 8th my special my new special mostly stories begin streaming worldwide on Netflix so please give that look the trailer is available now if you

want to watch the trailer I tweeted it out I posted on Facebook exciting it's exciting really you've been doing all kinds of press for it I think it's gonna be really huge I'm excited for it what else jeans anything else you want to throw out there well I'm I'm tethered to our baby jeans for a few weeks here

but I'm making a triumphant return to stand up at the comedy store finally I will be returning January 16th the 8 o'clock show on Saturday in Hollywood so come see me there also that's deep bro continues every week listen to that that's deepropeyecast.com that's not so happy to be back aren't you it's great

to be back minus it was 200 pounds last time I was here you look fantastic whole new woman I mean regular people close almost you shit off a lot of pounds already already it's only been three weeks and I gotta have my baby I gotta do the same thing all right jeans let's send it's been a

while oh my god ready to the show we now have a son our lives are different let's see if we've changed no you need to go upstairs and get your pajamas on and you're not leaving I was seriously about to do something with that girl I named my phone at my phone I was like fuck what are you gonna do with her

she was about to go on my dick dude get up there now get up there now I'm dead serious this is big time who is Randy don't bring anyone loving to this welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura talk to Christina the jit six oh my god I gotta take a picture of this oh my god tell them what you're seeing right now I'm looking at my wife look at me can I post this yeah it's

horrifying I'm looking at it we just started the show and oh shit her her tits are leaking milk through her shirt I think just talking about our son makes me laugh man yeah we're back jeans we're back I'm back I'm a person again I played a future clip of our son and you I wouldn't be surprised I think that's how it's gonna go in our house let's blow my dick yeah get upstairs we've already been using them mom so how's it feel to be back here I mean I've been coming in and I don't even know I didn't you know I told you but I've been coming in I do our ads and I posted the episodes that we recorded before we did

sure I don't know one or two together we had Yoshi on one that people that was crazy always love it's crazy so I posted that one but this is your you know our baby is today is three weeks old and you know we threw him in a crate so that we could come here and then he just you know the dog left him a phone as they call as anything happens but he's gonna take care yeah people watch him so everything should be fine but you know of course also I think you I'm made of I'm so sleep deprived as well that I don't remember things but you probably in the last episode you could hear my voice I got a cold and then it was just

it's been a crazy few weeks but you're out of the house now it's I've been in the house for three weeks just breastfeeding an infant I feel like and for a while it felt normal like two days ago I was like this feels great I'm in my pajamas like I had Stockholm syndrome where you start to think it's you know your captors yeah you know your friend that's the baby that's our new born it's not really a friend this is a bad guy well we know it's it's been a journey it's yeah it's been a surreal three weeks I think for both of us no one tells you really no they do they tell you it's hard but that's not that's

not a word to describe it no it's not yeah it's a lot of things a lot of things it's a comp it's complicated emotion I mean like first of all you know I'm still waiting for the lot like everyone says you feel this love for the baby just haven't felt it yet but I'm sure it comes with time you know it's four years well I've already made an appointment to get my hair cut off get that mom cut you got to get that mom cut yeah low maintenance too hard I can't brush my hair every day yeah man thinking of brushing you know what I haven't been brushing every day I know I think I understand dad mouth now I think I

understand cuz I here's a thing I've been at noticing I haven't seen your floss in a while well I you know I flossed yesterday and I flossed it was I flossed and then you asked me if you've been flossing so I was like you know I just flossed but if I'm being honest have I been flossing a lot lately no and it here's a couple other things I think it's tied directly also to sleep deprivation course because you're the other thing is too is like you might say Tommy and I go yeah you go can you hold the baby I need to do this and it's like I just got up yeah and then I'm sitting there with morning mouth but

I'm holding him and I'm just you know trying to make him relax yeah and then all sudden half an hour has gone by my mouth is settling in the morning so I'm brushing my teeth I'm still brushing my teeth but I'm doing it an hour after I normally would because the first thing I'm doing is holding him so yeah I mean I understand where dad mouth comes from I think it's just you know it's the beginning here's a thing if we acknowledge it yeah you got to address it and you can address it we can cut it we can nip it in the bud we have to yeah we don't want my mouth to just fall apart you can't no you don't want to you

don't have it so you saw the baby come out of me yeah that's not a dental update can we talk about that I mean I feel like we've talked about it a little bit I didn't plan on a natural birth first first of all I had a c-section scheduled yeah on Monday the 14th of December very controversial very kind of a lot of women had a lot of opinions but I was supposed to have a c-section and I ended up going to labor at 2 a.m. that day Ellis was like no bitch yeah I'm coming out of you and I didn't want you to watch we made a deal I said don't don't look at the business and to me it wasn't a big it wasn't a big deal to not

to to to see it to respect your saying that yeah I think anybody like your spouse says I don't want you to do this I go okay yeah and it was fine I mean some of the yes look they were great at the hospital a couple fucking dopes though couple and some of them are like are you scared to look because they saw me not looking and I go no she asked me not to look and then they go oh yeah I'm like fucking dumb bitch well we had like 50,000 nurses in the three or four days we were there was a shift change during Christian labor they go they go you get ready to push and I was like great hold on we have a shift change and all my

nurses that I had been with but you'd been pushing for an hour yeah hour and change and then they a whole new Filipino girls come in to push my legs up to my chest so what happened was crazy we're in that you're in there you know I'm holding one of your legs and I'm pushing it up crazy and I'm just you know encouraging you and you're pushing or pushing and going for a while and then the doctor I believe goes oh you can see you can see his head yeah doing great you can see his head oh my god I go what and the doctor goes look at her pussy right now say pussy yeah she goes look at her snatched look at her pussy

right now and I go oh my god and I could see the top of a head and hair coming out of your cooch yeah and the doctor goes Christina just keep you know you're almost there and that's when I was like holy shit you are almost there and she goes you know you can't feel much but I guarantee you that you're gonna push this baby out of your pussy in a second yeah I had so many drugs I opted for many drugs she goes by one point she goes he's almost there do you want to see it do you want a mirror and I was like no I just scraped yeah just let's go the only time out of me after that that I turned away was when I saw

scissors she started put the scissors down there not one of don't want that image in my head well I gotta tell you there's nothing as daunting as taking that first post a PZ out of me shit I mean I'm stitched up right yeah and she goes for the best part is when she sews me up she goes I hate to do this to you but I need to give you a rectal exam she goes I gotta make sure you have your by the way you've just delivered I've just delivered she's sewn me up to I have to give you a rectal to make sure that you still have an anus and I was like yeah no I'd like an asshole please yeah I prefer I need to make sure you

have separate holes and I'm just laying there like yeah of course who doesn't want two holes but that first brown I made was really scary because you're like I'm gonna tear everything up but it came out it came out and I just want everybody to know and I know you guys are all wondering how are your browns now yeah back to normal I'm back to shit to shower yeah I'm back to never ending wipes again yeah so it's exciting I'm back to mushy browns mm-hmm yeah my insides my innards are settling it's it's cool yeah you were really grinding some out for a

while there it was tough yeah really fucks up and I got a hemorrhoid too for the first time in my life now you're familiar with hemorrhoids I'm not that familiar I've had one yes one I think so one yeah one time there was this I was like oh man really itches I don't get it and then this guy's like oh it's probably a hemorrhoid it's not it hurts well can itch though it can itch yeah and when you wipe it it hurts and it bleeds yeah I mean for me though it was just like massive pools of blood it wasn't like a but then it went away just went away if you ignored it goes away yeah you can shit through it that's what I did any

medical condition if you ignore it it just goes away yeah it's great so but we're back now our lives are not totally normal but they're resembling it's resembling something yeah there's things you know yeah you got you still do you know life stuff we gotta go to the bank after this like people that's crazy you and I snuck out we have a lovely nanny who comes and helps us and we snuck out and we went to McDonald's to get like a chocolate Sunday and that felt like like a huge honest though don't throw me under the bus here what you had a chocolate Sunday I didn't get anything why didn't you I just didn't feel like anything and

I'm super healthy now I had um was it this weekend I did past week I did Brea yeah and I told you one day I had two salads and I've never never had two salads I don't think in a day I had a salad in a salad for dinner yeah man what happened it was like Def Con five or whatever when did you have to shit when you're on stage or no I ate a salad and then shortly thereafter like within I realized what happened was my lunch salad was processing and I ate a dinner salad and then my body was like you asked for it dude and it was just on I mean thank God I had about 25 30 minutes of you know opening acts where I was

like oh my god I gotta I gotta process this is gonna be bad you know well the good news is you have your own turlet at brand in the green room in your turn so you don't have to shit with the audience oh my god those are the worst clubs I've done that before where like you walk in and someone's like oh I'm here to see you I'm gonna take this shit right now I know I've had full diarrhea in front of audience but we've got to dial back our eating because during pregnancy eating like you and I would go out for a breakfast and then order dessert with breakfast I was just long for the ride I mean for me it was a

green light to go crazy we went off the rails dude I know off the rails you're not gonna tell a pregnant lady not to eat something no and so then when you were like I'm eating this I was like all right I'll eat some too yeah but now it's it rained in but we've been doing well since you had the baby yeah yeah it really has been like a you know a lot of home cooked meals yeah a lot of healthy stuff it's been good but you don't even have time to eat that's kind of it's the no time to eat diet when you have a newborn because like you just there's no such thing as a leisurely anything that's true things the baby's

gonna cry in two seconds so I just wolf down what's ever in front of me and then if it's if I can't reach it with one arm I can't eat it so it's done it's good it's good for snacking yeah yeah yeah so there it is there's our life this fucking is your ear yeah yeah it keeps going out here let me pause this for a second let's see what's going on okay I don't know maybe that's fixed that's better now I think all right here's our son again just in case you were wondering fine you need to go upstairs and get your pajamas on and you're not leaving I was seriously about to do something with that girl and then my phone and my

I was like fuck what are you gonna do with her she was about to go on my dick dude get upstairs now get upstairs now I'm dead serious okay I don't close I'm close out that's so great it's our son yeah there's Ellis in 13 years mm-hmm you're gonna be like get upstairs now let's check in my dick mom god come down for dinner I'm checking my dick so we got this is pretty great great in a in a I think we got you kind of way horrific a clip of this guy like a pastor at like a mega church you know one of those like arena churches giving this sermon and then

kind of slips he jumbled a word but I don't know what I'm trying to say right now I want a dog I want a dog so bad and and Keras our daughter she wants a dog so bad I want to get a dog I want to name it Boaz because I wanted my son to be named Boaz but God didn't let me have a son so now I can have a dog named Boaz and I want it so bad but she won't say yes yes she has a hard heart please pray for my wife she's not in this service please pray for her and somebody asked me the other day somebody asked me they said hey why don't you why don't you and Keras just go by dog and bring it home they were single too by the way and I'm

like nigger because I everybody has to agree yes it's a very they were single too by the way and I'm like nigger cuz I am like nigger cuz I big words he's a white guy yeah he's super white wow and he's in church sermon the church released a statement about it because it's it's gone you know pretty crazy online in regards to your question about the n-word Pastor Perry doesn't use the word sure doesn't address anyone in his life by such yeah he did not use that word in his message and when you perceived as him doing so was a matter of words getting jumbled sure as can happen with anyone who is speaking it's

true time I went to get it hot fudge they were saying by the way what what what I was saying hot for the nigger Sunday hot fudge nigger Sunday let's what no one the words got your words go jumbled you get you got confused there yeah yeah you know what I'm saying yeah yeah I know that sometimes pharmacy nigger pharmacy Jesus go to pharmacy go to pharmacy nigger pharmacy Jesus wow you always you know the words got jumbled and that's jumbled as can happen with anyone that's the part you need to this with anybody anybody can have jumbled words nigger jumbled what yep that's true God blesses a nigga oh my god

yeah I'm about is that plies no it's not plies oh cuz you've been doing a new dance yeah and you're like this is plies yeah yeah yeah that's true I've been running off on the plug twice a lot yeah what I ran off on the plug twice what the fuck does that mean what the fuck does that mean where do you where do you learn this stuff I mean I just you know no I'm serious where do you learn like you're an old person like me and how do you not an old person you're older why oh my god how do you know that yes it's safe to say niggas bunch of budget on it ran off on the floor twice why ran off on the floor twice he's dead and

calling I ain't calling by there you go right there it's a new plies shit rich Carlton check it out yeah you know what it is is it's because I'm a huge football fan and his little runoff on the plug twice is a is a dance it's so subtle but it's also it looks athletic and movement because it's basically your your it looks like you're jogging in place for a second you know that's basically what it is and so college players can do it without getting an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty so they've been doing it this whole bowl season so because it looks like they're just oh I'm just you know I'm jogging in

place it's not because college players are not allowed to do blatant dance celebration they get penalized right why is that because it's just considered sportsmanship so the NFL guys can can dance it up and do some stuff but in college you're supposed to be an amateur sports person and you're supposed to just hand the ball to the ref so the guys are doing the little dance because they can get away with it do it again can you find yourself doing this I already I did it on Instagram that's right yeah but I'll do it again I'll give it I'll do it all season long don't do it all year okay yeah I don't give a shit stay up till

midnight I'm drinking what it's like I do past midnight I don't give a shit I'm not gonna sleep tonight big words yeah so but this is a new it's a new black person dance that I didn't know about this and then what it slipped yeah this dances is really really taking on and the pro players are doing it too everyone's doing everyone it's cuz it's so easy it's so easy to do like you're jogging you're basically jogging and then your your arms are kind of moving in the same type of mode like a bicycle type of motion right kind of back you're doing is it like the Rockaway little bit little bit but and then if you want to

really hit the runoff on the plug twice right you got your head back a little too yeah bring your head back just a little bit that's the way you should do it okay so I've been teaching people all weekend I'm so happy with it yeah I'm doing I'm doing it I'm doing it I'm teaching people how to dance I couldn't be happier I'm talking about me flies has been putting up crazy I mean not like it's any different but it's it's been pretty nuts his his posts lately you know really well it's the same all his shit is crazier than shit that he says I don't know he just talks crazy shit you know fucking home girl that call me

talking about she's depressed cuz she trying to get a motherfucking way to look like such as a such as a better bastard motherfucking you fuck such as a well that's who the niggas with the money well fuck the niggas with the money get a nigga that care about you and stop trying to get a motherfucking nigga with some money you know I mean that's a good point though yeah I'm not saying it's bad point he makes a good point like yeah don't don't go with the dudes that just have money get someone that cares about you like that that's a part of what sad I slid in that little pussy that morning

wham I said oh this little pussy here rejuvenated this that 2016 pussy him this little pussy bike and belt of that alpha who spent a lot of time in those pussies Antonio Cremardi who's that he is a football player for the New York Jets New York football Jets he's a proud alum I don't know if he's an alum but he went to Florida State played like nine games in college and still got draft in the first round you wouldn't understand that but it means that he's a pretty ridiculous athlete he's got a good career he sleep he slides up in that pussy because yeah he has a lot of kids oh this gentleman yeah we were talking about

kids this weekend and yeah okay we can't believe actually not even people fathering a lot of kids just meeting people now who are like are like one of our neighbors has four kids or how do you fucking have four kids it's so much work just yeah it feels like a lot of work it's so hard just to have a new board is it's impossible yeah yeah and we have you and I have help and there's two of us and we don't have nine to five jobs and it's still like ridiculously hard is a famous clip from HBO's hard knocks where they asked crow to name his kids at the time Alonzo who was five I have

Keras who was three I have my my junior was just three I have a my daughter who just turned three as of yesterday I have another son named Tyler that's so he turns three in December got another daughter that was born October 16th named London another daughter was born named a Lonnie who's two years old and I have my newborn with my wife her name is Jersey so crazy here's what I love so there's one two three four children who are three years old so about four years ago he was doing a lot of fucking yeah yeah and this is he's got more now this is from 2010 but but he's married now and like he makes him with his wife

but he the crazy thing was that these were with so many different people you know so many and London we don't even know how old she is he doesn't even know hurry the best one is when he goes my daughter one of those is my daughter my daughter there's my journey and then there's just my daughter but maybe that's her name who knows they can I made us interested in who has the most number of kids with the most different in in sports and there's a you know there's a lot of you know people that are worth kind of breaking down like noteworthy people and some numbers that are impressive one of the ones I didn't

realize was former coach of the Milwaukee Bucks Scott Skiles is has six and they don't know how many mothers there are but they just know that it's not that it is you know multiple mothers Scott Skiles former NBA coach it just struck me as as pretty impressive there's a lot of people on this list that have why because he's a coach yeah you always think it's always players so coaches little smarter he should be a little older and smarter if you're saying you just don't see it yeah I've never I'd never I mean I'm sure it's happened but I'd never seen it with with with coach yeah like Phil Jackson wouldn't have maybe

who knows 20,000 who knows I'm always amazed by equal number of kids two mothers when it's a high number that's like really not even one repeat so it's like six kids six mother wow right so there's that there's a lot that you know like I said have six seven like for instance the most famous guy for a long time if you follow sports when this category came up with Sean Kemp of the Seattle Super Sonics and he had like a sports illustrated cover it turns out you know as of a year ago that they knew of seven kids from six women so that was like the high standard apparently the rumor has it he had he has many more

like 11 or so but like it hasn't been it hasn't been confirmed so they can confirm seven and six which is it's unbelievable but you know again compared to where this list goes up to it's only it's not even that that that noteworthy one I didn't know about was Evander Holyfield the real deal I didn't know that either I didn't know he has 11 kids by eight women so many what but what do you think the why why bother why because it's nothing but a burden it's nothing but a financial just feels good just to not that's all it is I think it's all about that yeah and I think that these guys you know what they're

athletes so they're not this is really true I'm serious there so they're competitive right right our super competitive I think there's something in their competitiveness about conquering like basically conquering a woman sure getting her to say go for it and it's spreading your see it is and making as many of you as you possibly so it's kind of like it's primal and it's it's a little gladiator of them sure but it's it's spread to see but also you know like if you look at getting a woman to say go ahead blow your load inside me as a as a victory you know at the conquest sure so if you're a competitive guy all you

do is compete maybe it's like you know I've had 10 women say yes to that sure so then that's part of the the thrill you jump your clip plus these women that they see a meal ticket this is the kind of well yes that's the flip side of this yes there's a lot of women who are like for sure probably like oh yeah I'm on the pill absolutely of course don't jump clips in me but then here's my meal ticket for the rest of my next at least next 18 years I'm set yeah like Cromarty the guy we played the clip of when he got to the Jets he had he was a San Diego he had outstanding child support payments the Jets had to front

him but normally he would be paid right along as he played they fronted him half a million just to pay off child support payments and you think about that that's half all money that's all money that like you're paying out you're not even getting to keep on because it's also it's also what's the word relative to what you earn so it's not like right handing out $800 a month it's all scaled to what you're earning which is the fucked part about it because what newborn baby means let's say $10,000 a month yep not many man and those there's some medical probably you know some problems with a kid one guy I'll remember if you remember

if you're a football fan Travis Henry was notorious when he was in the league for this so he had a kid in high school two in college six during his NFL career he had high school he had two kids no just one which is not crazy so he's done he retired you know by like 31 32 he had 11 kids 10 women which is like that conquest thing I'm telling you yeah I think you know plus oh the other thing we're not talking about is that the guys travel you're traveling sure you're always traveling right that puts the traveling yeah it's like truck drivers that have multiple families right yeah they have secret families that is so

fucking could you imagine jeans having 10 baby mamas 10 me to deal with okay so that's crazy the way when we did that that chromati thing that was seven kids I didn't list them out of women but according to this list he is up to 12 kids how many do we know women nine Jesus so that's a lot of payments again so many but hopefully he's got a feel with one with the wife apparently on this list to one of the guys I don't even know who this is Garincha it looks like he's a soccer player yeah he is okay he's a legend among Brazilian soccer players 244 goals in 631 appearances for Botafogo and the Brazilian national

team he fathered at least 14 children by an unknown number of mothers 14 and then here's the top of this list right now is Calvin Murphy who played in the NBA Hall of Famer he is known to have fathered 14 by 9 man that dude pull out game is weak right yeah it's really really and that really is like you said just because it feels feels gooder than a bitch it does feel so good just feels good to blow my load in here so I'm gonna do that and then I'm gonna pay for the rest of my life because you're not thinking about that and you're when you're that close and somebody goes here's the consequence you go ah you

just don't care you don't care so how many kids do you think you're you'll have with different women I don't know I mean there's the I you know there's a possibility there's there's a few that I don't know right so I don't I couldn't have more than I don't think four or five out there yeah from different women yeah but you know they haven't come forward yet and you know here's the hoping that they're not alive anymore how many brothers and sisters do you think I have just based on my you could definitely have here's what I'm saying your dad dies yeah and there's like a period where they go well you know his

will states yeah there's gonna be some people that step forward Christina I am your brother for sure and and like other countries too mm-hmm like Columbia Philippines Thailand I'm not like a half Thai brother yeah somewhere you're gonna be like um all right dude he's like can I just get a hundred dollars okay that's like a million dollars in Thailand mm-hmm dumb young suck what's his name dumb young suck yeah it's gonna be really something man oh this is one of my favorite things that happened sitting on the couch with you yeah since the baby's been born is we're watching TV and you know it's been bowl season

playoffs are about to start the NFL there's a lot of a lot of football on so I'm watching a lot of football lately and you've been very sweet in that I know you're you know you're not really a fan but you're kind of following it and we're watching a game watching one of the post-game shows and I don't know what happened but as I'm watching it I see Hall of Fame Super Bowl winning coach Jimmy Johnson talking and I go you know he has a sex tape and you go what this guy and he's got you know he's got white hair it's all combed back and he's he looks like fucking Colonel Sanders he's old he's like so he's talking about and

these guys their defense needs to really step up they're gonna stop and I go yeah it's he's got a tape of him where it's a girl eating his ass and you go shut up and I go do you want to see it and you go yes so I just on my phone I just type in like old man ass eating a clip comes up and it's acts perfect because it's the guy's face is kind of out of it yeah and I just show it to you and you're like oh my god and he keeps talking and I'm showing you the stuff as he's talking this man is a savage and the girl fingers his ass but that was the part that blew me away I was like this is not his wife because wives will never

do that she put his fake her finger clearly in his bottle and then like licked it and then started sucking his peener yeah I was like this is not his wife you're like of course it's not his wife but it was but they didn't show his head so I totally do that it was his yeah yeah now that it's here I think it's actually I have it maybe another language I didn't learn yeah I don't think it's English yeah I'll tweet out let me see it oh there she is yeah nice blonde girl and they put a towel down which is nice for the carpet yeah well here you go he gets on all fours and he's wearing a yellow t-shirt too he

doesn't even take his t-shirt off and he bends over like that's saggy ass saggy balls yeah and then disgusting pink balls and we're watching this here like that's Jimmy Johnson well yeah I believe you licking his asshole so she's licking his B-hole he's on all fours this poor woman yeah yeah I could believe this was him this is really look how thoroughly she's really she's earning the $50 yeah that's $40 in her pocket oh god what a job there's not enough money in the world for me to do but now that you know okay so it's not him don't you think though if it

was Jimmy Johnson it's worth doing like if it was him worth doing yeah for if it's Jimmy Johnson no way dude let me see I mean that's a like let's picture that being Jimmy yeah I did Super Bowl winner I did here goes the finger the naked girl sticking her finger in his ass and really easily got in there too didn't take much there wasn't any resistance and she's kind of not faced her face isn't even she's done looking at you're not supposed to do that you're not supposed to put the chocolate in your mouth that's fecal to oral it's not good you're not supposed to lick the finger dummy yeah well she's back in

there why did you lie to me that was so fun to see and then you just kind of sat there and I wanted a part of me thought I should just was that was that English or no I don't think it's English right I said my chance it's like yeah Swedish or something Nordic I was like you know what I was thinking I should not say anything about this let it go and go and go but then it was just too funny me that I couldn't I couldn't bite my tongue I wanted you're the worst wait till you guys see this I'll tweet out a link of this on Wednesday afternoon and I'll tag Jimmy Johnson in it and we should all just be

like hey Jimmy Johnson is this really you he's so old it's like that time you told me it was the San Francisco 69ers I believed you yeah yeah I was like oh now she's doing this fun move now where she lays on her back yeah that's real prostitute she's laying on her back it's good ab work though cuz she's kind of crunching up to get in her mouth how much money do you think she got paid it's gotta be $50 this is in his apartment you know this is a home production right towel on the car maybe it was just lunch or something no no he's in his limp too he's totally soft so she's like it's not this is not

even working is that right looks like God what an asshole yeah yeah it's pretty sad I mean but you know he won a national championship at Miami he's got that one Super Bowl is a great guy to me and this is just what he does for fun I respect him I respect him I don't respect you you lied to me I know who would totally respect him on yes it's safe to say nigga I spent your budget on it ran off on the floor twice why I like when he doesn't finish his words ain't no mixtape big but yeah he's big on big wait can we talk about the thing that we've been talking about

for like the last week what's that the first we got a break we're watching TV and we watch this Gerard de Pardoux movie it's about the French Prime Minister is that what no no no it was the former head is based on the former head of the IMF International Monetary Fund Dominique Strauss-Kahn DSK he if you remember a few years back had boarded a flight to go back to Paris and the police pulled him off the plane because one of the maids at the hotel he was staying at claimed that he sexually assaulted her right and then he took off so they pulled him off the plane arrested him and you know he

was married and he's the you know he's a well-known international public figure in the at the end of the day he ended up being cleared because the maid had her story was flipping she wasn't she wasn't consistent with any of her statements and so there was some mess there for for why he wasn't prosecuted but it turns out he was like a pretty known savage they said you know like he had he had gone to orgies and he's just and he looks by the way like Jimmy Johnson like he does he is that old do you know what he really looks like yeah I remember when the when the story came out yet so Dominique let me see he doesn't look

like Gerard de Pardeau he doesn't look like Gerard but he does kind of look like Jimmy Johnson there's there's he does he does same silver so anyways they use the movie as inspiration for this movie called welcome to New York Gerard even though the name of the movie I'm glad you looked is playing a version of DSK and in the movie Gerard let's just say he's gotten bigger okay and he was a sex symbol in France he was a sex on America one yeah yeah with his big stupid nose he's not you know he's not a traditionally handsome fellow right by American standards anyways so this basically then there's a scene where

when he gets arrested he goes to jail and he strips down because the officers search him yeah and it is it's something it's really something but as we're watching and I go holy shit it looks a lot like Bert it has because Bert has a very specific type of naked body yeah where it you know he still is he's the frat boy and it's this kind of bloated distended carcass right like an alcoholic homeless alcoholic that just drinks maybe eats some trash but not much but it's you could tell that I mean he's he has a his abdominal wall has collapsed because the fat from the alcohol pushes it out but you know what

else it looks like like a starving African child yeah how hard the hard hard belly you're like how's he hungry the stomach it's like that so what Gerard looks like is Bert if Bert like continues the path it would be Bert in 10 to 15 years yeah and also he's got kind of a floppy uncircumcised penis yes and it's real floppy and mushy and pink and the gut hangs oh my god yeah I mean the gut is just it's hard it's a hard yeah yeah it's not a soft guess this is this is just gallons of booze daily as you know and he's real sloppy ploppy and mushy like his shoulders are kind of hunched and mush his he's looks like his no

stomach is insanity yeah so fucking enormous I mean if you look at pictures of him just a few years before Google Gerard de Bordeaux yeah yeah look at Gerard but if you want to see I mean we could we could tweet this out to yeah Gerard de Bordeaux welcome to New York is the name of those he's typing the search engine Gerard de Bordeaux welcome to New York naked and look at the images and you're gonna that looks like Bert the ghost of Christmas future of Bert Christchurch stomach yeah it is yeah but because we had dinner with the Bert's like two days before I went in the labor I think and he was showing us

his belly then because he was on he's on a diet now he's on a diet and he lives so crazy it's funny that he's the kind of guy that if he just kind of straightens it up for a few days loses 15 right just water right that's how what is that is that just water weight yeah I mean it's just trash it's just it's just like a garbage dump so I mean it's all like boo he's just a booze factory but but the funny thing is that like his heart and stomach has actually created it's fighting the muscles like the the bloat fights this the abdominal muscles so that's why he created like a hernia in his right abdominal wall just from being

alive you know just from he said there's a hernia here it's like it's gonna happen to you too no it's not because he's had that hernia since I've known him huh yeah he's like a lot of people no it doesn't okay sure oh my god it's just from drinking in and yeah of course and Bert orders like four plates I want to we all we all order one yeah he tries different stuff try different things and the waiter goes over for you and he's like and then we ordered all the really good lately yeah all the desserts yeah that's by the way he vlogged about it so if you look at Bert's vlogs there's our last dinner yes with the Christchers you can

see what we talked about we asked Leanne no Tom asked Leanne what she actually likes about Bert and it's really funny yeah I go what's the upside of being married and she's like hmm and she thinks like most people would for half an hour about the good part of being married to your spouse and she's like he's entertaining that's the big plus of the spouse yeah that belly the hardness of the belly cuz can you lose that fat yeah that even how do you lose the I think I think his I think Bert's fat is I think it's easier to lose actually the hard fat yes but the thing is his those

bodies are harder to get the bloated extended because it's it's from hard living right like my stomach is softer it's it's like a sugar and high fat you know I just need a lot to diet but it would be it'd be work it would be you know eat well for six months and then lose 25 pounds his would be don't drink for four days and lose 25 pounds you know I mean so it's right it's a different type of body reacting to what you put in he's basically he eats he's poisoning himself he's out of trash cans if any of you are skilled in photoshop if you want to put Bert's head on Gerard de Pardus bloated swollen it'd be

pretty good body yeah and tweet that to him that'd be great that'd be great he looks horrible and there's a scene where he's having sex with like some cute 20 year old who's I got a perfect body and she was a hundred and ten pounds maybe and he doesn't deserve that the whole time I'm like you disgusting fat body apparently Gerard de Pardus daughter is not a fan of his really I think they had like a falling out yeah I read something about that I think she thinks that her dad's POS yeah I can't imagine it though no it's weird I think he probably drinks bottles of wine by the like from the bottle yes you know like

that guy the commercials we the franchise orson well yes the orson that's where Gerard de Pardus heading is the Orson Welles school of alcoholism and I'm actually I'm vlogging myself right now which I'll put up but if you're interested in you see this video you'll see this is the soundboard and I have things like a bookmark like this right here so I can press a button Ah the French Champagne has always been celebrated for its excellence Ah the French Champagne has always been celebrated oh man that's fantastic and we revisited the Dennis Rodman documentary where he

goes to Korea that was man that big bang in Pyongyang it's on show time anytime if you want to see that and he's definitely hard he should have a Gerard de Pardus body for sure oh my if he wasn't six eight and hadn't you know been a pro athlete for so many years his body would fucking look like that yeah just because his body is stretched out he's so tall and stretches out the fat huh yeah it does Gerard de Pardus yeah if you feel bad about yourself and how you look just Google Gerard de Pardus you'll feel so much better oh my god that's not a joke what a fucking asshole and the thing is you're a movie star

brah yeah look at pull yourself do you do yourself a favor pull it together if you look at Tom Cruise we were watching Mission Impossible yeah like Tom Crowell is he now 50 years old that guy he looks amazing he looks like he's 25 Tom Cruise those Mission Impossible movies he's running he's jumping he's on rock he's doing everything we've never had only in France they let these fucking actors come through does look crazy good amazing he's got to be over 50 right over sure oh my god everything but how dedicated as he is he to looking like that that's the yeah that's a full-time gig he's 53 Wow 53 57 who

are we watching jeans who are we watching on TV that was Joe's age oh yeah millionaire matchmaker we're watching season one all over again yeah and we're watching episode this guy was like I'm a very young 47 and he was such a boner the guy yeah like light denim yeah with a brown braided belt and tucked in shirt yeah and I was like a nerd you know Joe's this guy's age yeah so much just so much cooler yeah because it's really that the guy was just a fucking square he's such a fucking nerd like he goes I like you too and I like spring scene yeah she goes I like Lincoln Park because it was a few years ago and he was

like hmm no yeah don't know that one she goes we've seen that movie what about Bob he's like it's before my time before my time and then she said Napoleon Dynamite and he goes I'm not familiar and we were like I don't think this is gonna work out as a date you can't even keep it just like I feel like I should be with a young chick those are the guys that are like disgusting to be around so creepy yeah because they're just so creepy about it yeah just don't even say everybody wants to fuck younger people because they look better than us but to have a relationship with them is silliness yeah you know yeah just

bang on but don't you know yeah come on yeah I grew up I thought it was really funny you did your shows and Brea and you said that you met an English couple mm-hmm and that they really liked your English accent yes they were at the show and they go they go they said Tom Tom we love y'all we love your podcast and we love your British accent that's really good yeah they said they say it was perfect perfect she said keep doing it cause I love when you speak with your British accent yeah and I go yeah no problem I go it's super easy for me and they said yeah we can tell you make no effort and you can just tell it's like

perfect yeah like Drew Barrymore does an English accent the way you do I was watching her in some movies just dog shit yep yep but you do it better than her I think hers was terrible she's always yeah she's like I would like to have a sandwich yeah oh I'm so alone yeah that's bad that there's there's I mean I'm a princess you know who they said did the one of the best ones ever you what's all wonky eyes besides me Morgan Freeman no the wonky eye when he Marty Feldman no black actor he has a wonky eye oh what is Whitaker forest Whitaker skin you make a fucking suitcase are you old dog look crocodile fat crocodile fat

boss you do that fucking idiom in you know I mean Amy and me stay here to be ashamed of yourself Friday the grown-up you'll be there you will I tell you do that don't you show me up no I won't be there you will you mr. roundtree no yes roundtree yes grown-up no Friday I won't be there yes yes yes yes yes problem fucking problem he said that's Kingsley obviously how great it's been Kingsley God yeah would you would you do the Jimmy Johnson with him with Ben Kingsley I wouldn't want to do it to him but I would I think I would if you if he did that monologue for me I'm like will you do that monologue from what's the movie

called succulent beast sexy beast would you do that for me yes yes see this opportunity yes I will eat your asshole yes I heard a few British people comment that forest Whitaker's British accent fooled them well he did it like 20 years ago let me see how this is the clip or not you're doing it yeah do you know that first why because you're my friend and I want you to go to the metro I can't really hit me place so far rent there's no way I couldn't really hear it there it's too much music as I think it was Michael Cain that said that he said most Americans are terrible at it scoping and frog that's him wow I've heard of him

a scorpion was across the river but he can't swim but it can't swim goes to a frog okay and ask for a ride ask for a ride for a ride fuck says fuck give me all right on my back I'll give you all right on my back you'll go and sting me you're going to take me it's taking replies all replies not be in my interest to sting you senses I'll be on your back with both tracks well that's good yeah yeah thanks about his logic for a while and accepts to deal pretty good you know he does it's not see it's not too on yeah maybe it's the subtleness of it you got a lot of like yeah people try to ever do

it yeah and then the frog says to the boy right what about that he does it like this so it's more not thanks for the ride do your are you doing the knowledge are you a cabbie and then he said to the frog if I give you a ride then when we get to the other side could you know fucking sting me like that how yes I like that so by the way to all my British listeners you're welcome 15 quid love my take the scooping on his back it's about tea and crumpets please potabella road hog what's Academy my good could you pass us a fang oh hold on somebody asked me that hold on I gotta do this oh shit so sorry sorry mate I had

to respond to that picture so any hoodles well speaking of Britain land Downton Abbey we're back and it's this final season which is devastating we haven't watched it we're gonna watch it tonight I couldn't find it last night it's at a premiere but I couldn't find it on PBS or on BBC so yeah but we got on Apple TV oh shit wait lady how are you going to dress for dinner Carson is your finger in my bum madam but he's with Mrs. Joutfire now I haven't come in ages a very different it's fanatic and down to nothing put that spoon in my asshole with a lower in the

upper classes have mad orgies the downstairs people would really be fucking I feel like they do fuck no but I mean it would be if there's two orgies going on upstairs and downstairs I'd want to go downstairs for sure that's what downstairs and someone lady Crawley doesn't put her finger in what's his name's butthole really my oh yes lady Mary lady Edith poor Edith I hope she gets a break this Edith would be like the blowbang chick would you like lady Edith so desperate for approval I was just helping one of them would stay that is all this come on my face oh lady Edith who jerks off ISIS the dog the dad he

loves that dog I think I was the old lady the oldest oh she's the best you miss McGarnacle fucking fucking shit what's her fucking name bro she's she's from fucking Hogwarts dude yeah she's got to die this it's a garnicle we're even fast-forwarding she's been a hundred when it's a series started shit man shit Maggie yeah that's right I like her out she's so great she's she gets down her name is Maggie Smith artist she's so great she's my favorite character on Downton Abbey actually the granny because she keeps it real you know I'm saying doesn't like that Rose is the slut I think Rose is the one who really

oh yeah yeah yeah yeah she don't go fuck Cora Crawley she doesn't put out Maggie Smith violet Crawley oh she's she's Lady Crawley right mm-hmm Lady Crawley yeah you recognize this voice by the way I'm a Russian Mongol I'm Russian my father was a Russian Mongol so these people are Russian Mongols okay I'm paying homage to them and their culture and my culture that Steve's we all visited Russia and I'm a Russian Mongol no you're not he visited the town of Mirny in the what is it Saka Republic or Shaka I don't know God horrible he is absolutely why don't you go to Russia

what a horrible person my father was a Russian Mongol so these people are Russian Mongols okay he's everything is he from Louisiana I thought he was from Louisiana he's really not doing his his black cadence right now hey can you understand what this lady somebody sent this clip and you understand what this lady is saying in the clip to start it off I just wanted to tell you that Nathaniel Lewis is basically harassing my Daniacs and he's harassing me he's threatening to actually is this a child? Kindle Daniac? How old is this person?

she's just retarded she's like an old retarded she's not retarded she is retarded I mean I hate people talk like this right but she's not so maybe we should just isolate and just always be dropping that hey Hitler she's just vlogging for Hitler yeah hey Hitler can you help me out who are you talking to named Hitler still it's like her dear diary yeah are you just putting this out to him hoping you know that his spirit will respond you fucking lunatic hey Hitler hey Hitler people who talk like this I hate it because they don't have any concern for the listener yeah you know yeah who the fuck is gonna listen to you talk like that that was

loud oh man that really made me laugh I think it's well that's a whole different meaning okay Jesus do you not know that so one of our all-time favorite shows of course Downton daddy's down daddy's that's coming out where Korra does a blow bang yes and then Sibyl comes back from the dead oh my god what that's really crazy and they go to town on he's just the dog and then Pamuk the Middle Eastern guy that dies in the first season comes back to oh yeah that was the the good-looking Persian guy right yeah lady Mary banged him I was thinking of a different show actually oh yeah by the

way that's in that clip is obviously that's our Kelly yeah he had a thing you know that about this he walked off set of an interview recently no he got mad at some lady on Huffington Post who was interviewing him he walked off the set because he said her questions were negative well our Kelly does what our Kelly wants because our Kelly is the next generation he's the next our Kelly that's what he said in interview one time sure I'm the next art he was like I like positive and you negative I don't like your negativity and she was like I'm just like nope but he just she started to ask him a negative question and he

just talked over he's like I love everybody I love I love all this stuff I love everything I love you I did not come here to get interrogated I didn't come here for deposition you know the deposition is I'm very aware of what this sounds sort of like a deposition I think it may be the accent but no it was watching and listening so he listen how she tries to ask this last question listen to how he jumps I love all they are if they hate me they love me they want to destroy me whatever I love them all and I love you too you don't need to give me any of your love everybody you really don't need to give

me your love I just wanted to ask the question what do you say to them what do you say to the fans your her accent is kind of fake right she's totally trying to do a Thompson girl British accent yeah yeah hold on so the reason we played him though our real talk segment was because of jiggalows and you discovered this clip my dad this is I'm so excited cuz I've only heard the tease I don't even know what we're about to hear well let me set it up for you Tom I was up the other night with baby jeans and I was watching jiggalows and Vin challenges Nick Hawk who's we all know is a famous rapper he's yeah he's always

working on his raps yeah well then was actually in a rap group when he was like 15 years old and he calls Nick out for not practicing his raps like he's like Nick you say you're a rapper but you don't hang out with rappers you don't really work on your craft like you can't call yourself something if you don't work at it and so he challenges Nick to a rap I actually want to play the challenge happening because it's it that just the challenge in other words right Nick setting up the setting up the actual bad event yeah sure from England who had this little song and dance act that she did and she was actually pretty good and

I've said Nick you should battle this little girl that little girl will rip you really well I'm gonna rip you if you ever step up to the plate oh really so right away he makes it about you right so now Nick is saying I would smoke you in a rap battle do a rap battle it's two MCs standing on stage rhyming and the more creative and the more brutal you could be the better chance you have winning I will happily happily battle you anytime any place I'm gonna set it up so here's a deal if he's one of those super confident guys because he's so diluted he really thinks he's good I think he's really insecure and really

competitive he has to be the best at everything because he's super insecure again so maybe has 12 kids by no way we're gonna battle though let's make it worth something I've heard you call yourself a genius rapper if you really are a genius rapper you should be able to beat me no problem right that's exactly what's gonna happen here's the deal if you beat me I will never talk about your music again and I will admit that you are a genius rapper however if I beat you you will admit that you're a rapper that's it that's good that's fair just words just good enough just admitting that you're wrong sometimes so

there's brace trying to be the peacekeeper yeah so let's now you have seen this I haven't seen it so good I'm so happy and now we fast forward to the battle where Nick Hawk is going to battle then on jiggalows I you know the first time we saw Nick rap on the show a few seasons ago was one of the worst things I've ever seen or heard well good news he's just as bad as he was the first time okay so first on the mic is Vin Vin just to remind everybody is the one who said Nick I think you're so bad I can be what do you say Nick Nick Nick I think oh I thought I thought you guys have you heard jumbled yeah I know he

said Nick I think you're so bad it hurt again I think I can beat you okay so we're gonna have the challenger first you want to get close all it's getting intimate let's go DJ this be brave she said keep it classy watch this you ready class rules everything around me cream get the money make it full like dollar bill you should have kept it real you've been front and since day one give me a break I think you need to take one cuz use a fake one only your counterfeit call me a

hater but it's only on account of this the truth and you will lie a liar pants on fire said you win the rap is but you sound retired I mean you sound retarded in fact special ed call they want the rhymes back and Dr. Sue said he wanted rhymes back and mother Goose says she wanted rhymes back stand back Nick you never stood a chance fucking with a classic all right so yeah I mean you know these for a non-professional dude just sure definitely would you know beat the average person way better than anything I could ever do for sure okay so now Nick who says you can see by the way you can see fear in his eyes shot

that I let's see oh he's terrified he described Nick's attire quickly Nick is wearing Nick is 40 and he's wearing a hat turn to the side a sleeveless leather vest multiple you know a medallion's rings and whatnot on his fingers and wrists that look like biker kind of stuff it's weird it's a look it's definitely a specific look I am shaking with anticipation because I cannot wait to hear his response so he's going to respond here we go witness who that's it wow he's pretty good man

dramatic in here man yeah oh my god oh my god I called you out here for a reason to show all these people you're stupid and then how stupid you think religion is acting like a desperate politician practicing bad politics you should be vote for me instead of standing there like you have any business I made you I made you rich and yes you only made this group cuz you're blackish oh no you get those teeth fixin some of those moles check I'm sorry you call me on your cuff but you keep the wrong mother fucking person to piss off you don't know talent rap you're not a rapper you're too soft and after you lose this

I think we should fight next oh yeah I'm gonna drop this mic off oh okay all right it's got a little spicy in here come back up he's so angry see who the winner is once I say a name I need everybody everybody on the top of my voice to make some noise for the person who they think is the winner so who thinks my man then is the winner I think we have a winner y'all I think we have a winner the winner is the smoke them that was so bad that was so so bad it was uncomfortable it was depressing he's such and he's so awful at it that's the thing is he's not even on the cusp it's horrendous it's as bad as it gets

and the thing is I don't like it's good to try things and but I think to say like I'm a rapper but you don't practice yeah and you don't actually do the work to become a good rapper it's a it's like why are you doing it's like me saying I'm a DJ yeah you know but I don't do the work like you do of being right you can't I know but that's why I can't I've never challenged me to a scratch right but that would be silly cuz I would right I'd embarrass you right you want to be embarrassed to you know exactly does he admit that he's a piece of shit after this I don't remember just remember Nick Hawk challenged me that's right to

rap battle I didn't ask for a rap battle I didn't want to rap battle Nick Hawk challenge me he is just on let's not forget it yeah brewing cheers cheers all right the rap battle wasn't flattering but it's not even mattering I did it that stopped the chatter in there's a lot more I could bring and that's all that does matter remember Nick Hawk does not suck at being a rapper music of the youth these days how much do you like been now I like been so much oh yeah and he was gracious he was to he was really nice about winning yeah you're awful I just crushed all your dreams you know people now Nick is too dense to see

through this but yeah actually people like that are good in your life if you're trying to go down a path and it's not really worth going down because you're really bad at it and especially if you don't check yourself you don't admit that well again I hear a dream yeah I think if Nick would have put forth the effort required of becoming a rapper yeah you'd be terrible they'd be terrible but still you'd be like well he's he's really trying at least you give him a credit for trying where he's really awful he's terrible he's absolute dog shit he's the worst you're you're an aficionado rap he is so fucking bad

like there's no hope you know what he reminds me of fifth grade me right when I was in fifth grade and I bought my run DMC tapes and my fat boys tapes and my cane tapes and and then I was like I love the way these guys rhyme their words yeah I would write down things like I'm gonna teach you a lesson there's no stressing come on guessing no more messing that's exactly how this 40 year old man thinks like a 10 year old now kid from the suburbs it's horrible well I feel like you should always play to your strengths and Nick is great at holin he's a great ho he's a ho he flexes he's very fit yes he works out all the time

he's great at getting tatted up yeah like that's that's that guy's lane yeah just stay in your lane so fucking embarrassing elicit so embarrassing dog shit I'm so glad that you got to see that yeah I've been sitting on that one for a minute mm-hmm that's so embarrassing holy shit I have to be somewhere tomorrow at 845 in the morning what I have pressed tomorrow that's terrible okay gosh all right oh what time are you gonna be back though what I'm gonna be back from that it's over at 10 okay because I'm thinking 11 30 okay I'll be back by then I'll split out of there fast okay so anyways that just came

on my screen right now I have no idea jeans what nothing nothing all right well what's up jeans not much man what else you got you got anything else no not really I feel like we we covered so much we came back yeah we came back we got to go home my baby jeans is with the nanny I gotta go see the babies my tits are leaking already yep I got to go pump the tits so weird weird alright I'm so glad we're back we're doing this I'm gonna try I'm gonna post this tomorrow but I'll try to add something to it I'm gonna tag something

I'm gonna try to okay anything else you need to say jeans hey Hitler no I'm glad I'm back I'm glad that I am human being again mm-hmm back to being a normal person almost and yeah I missed I missed I missed being me cuz you really get out of yourself when you're pregnant it's something right you're like possessed by a demon for a while you're back back in actions all right love you guys love you guys thank you guys your mom's house podcast.com as always and we'll see you soon oh don't forget the special Friday we love you bye guys you