Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 326-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 13, 2016

Jeans, We are wanting to hear your best MOM calls. Let it rip, Mommy! Plus, was that fart or the national anthem?  Nothing is worse that a goofy porn actor. Where's the best fast food? Would you eat there for a month. Did you know that Tommy can do ANY foreign accent?  It's all here. 

Please remain standing for our national anthem. Jesus. Well... I love it. You like it? I really do. What's your favorite part? I...

This is so good. This is really creative. Yeah. Is it my imagination or is he hitting some of the notes? He's... He's definitely doing something. He's hitting some of the notes. Yeah.

Okay. It's so stupid. That's our friend, King Ash River, who by the way, you know, I was really disappointed that we didn't get acknowledged by him. But one of his videos, the subject, the description line says, shout out to your mom's house. Oh, really? Yeah.

So he is kind of acknowledging us. It's his way of, you know... Slowly but surely. He's saying, I live in the woods. I don't reach... But I'm giving you... I'm extending this... He's off the grid, but he wants us to know where he's aware of us.

He's aware that we've made such an effort. Okay. Okay. I like that patriotic spin on those parts. You know? If not, he's always a patriot. Check it out. Lest you doubt his allegiance to this country.

Yeah. He's clearly American. So you can't claim him in other countries. I'm going to Denver, Momlorado. This Wednesday through Saturday. Peep this. We've added a show. Thursday.

We've added a Thursday late show. Because other shows sold out. So thank you, Denver. And if you want to come to that show. It is now on sale. It's Wednesday at... Excuse me. Thursday at 10 p.m.

It's the 14th. And there might be another show added on the weekend. So keep your eyes peeled for that. Again, that is downtown Denver. Comedy works. Not the south. Momedy works. Yes.

Momedy works. So keep your eyes out for that. Then Los Angeles. I'm playing Los Angeles. Finally. I'm playing Flappers Comedy Club. Milk Flaps Comedy Club in Burbank. Also known as Sperm Bank, California.

Yeah. Friday and Saturday, January 22nd and 23rd. And then I head to Shark Lake City, Utah. February. Is it 4th, 5th and 6th or 5th and 6th? I don't know. I think it's 5th and 6th. I'm excited to be at Wise Guy's Comedy Club there in Shark Lake, Utah.

That is excuse me. It's the 5th and the 6th. So I will be there for those. And then finally, I'll wrap up February in Fartnix, Arizona at Stand Up Live, the 26th and 27th before making my way to Tacoma and Sacramento in March. Jeans? Well, I'm triumphantly returning to Stand Up this weekend at the Comedy Store Saturday, the 16th, the 8 o'clock show.

Finally, it's been a long time. Can I just say something? How great would it be if some local mothers were there to receive you back into the Stand Up World at the store? So local moms. Yeah. It's just some moms from around here. Breast pumping.

Go see Christina at the store getting back on the horse. You don't understand what it's like. You take some time off from Stand Up. It's a whole thing, man. It's a whole thing to get just to get that first... Why don't you do the first set back again? Your world changes, but that first set back, it'll be... It's always different.

It's so exciting. I got to bust that first nod out and then... That's a different way of putting it. Also, this is super in the future, but I may as well plant seeds now. April 1st and 2nd, I'm at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank. That's far in the future. Sorry, where? Flappers.

But what city? Sperm Bank. Sperm Bank. Burp Bank. Sperm Bank. Yep. And then April 20th, one night at the Ventura Comedy Club, one night. April 20th.

It's a great time. Dude, that's 420, bro. Bro. I'm gonna get fucking mad. And you're doing April 1st? I mean, are you playing a joke on us or is this stuff for real? Can I borrow Vape Dad's Vape for the night? For 420?

I don't know. I hope you're not breastfeeding with all those vapes in you. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. Ladies and gentlemen, this... Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen. Gentlemen. Let's open the show and get into all these topics. We have so many things to discuss, Jeans. You really sent me some really gross stuff this week, by the way. You're welcome. Where is it? What's the opening thing here?

Oh, here it is. Okay. Here we go. You ready, Jeans? Yeah. Let's do it. That little girl will be calling for mom just like these kids do at the mom calling contest. So tell me who you are and how old are you?

My name's Nathan and I'm 6. And where do you live? In Carlisle. Carlisle? Okay, let's hear it. What do you sound like when you call your mom? It looks like you won the third place ribbon. Mom!

This is big time! Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand! Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura, Tom Sutsu. Christina Pajitz and Christina Pajitz.

Welcome to your mom's house. Yeah, that was weird, right? Little crackle? I don't know what's going on, man. You had a problem with your show? Oh my God. I fucked up so bad. God damn it.

Well, thank God we have these kids to help us out. First place ribbon. Mom! That's so stupid. That's so dumb. What an annoying contest to have. So annoying. Isn't it bad enough to have kids screaming at you like that and there's a contest encouraging

that shit? Yeah, that's kind of a lot. That's stupid. God. Ugh. Horrible people. Don't encourage that. It's rude.

You're going to have that a lot. I can't wait. For the rest of your life. For the rest of your life? Where are you going? Well, I'm not a mom. Did you hear that? That's neat since I've had a baby is that I can't really control my farts anymore.

That is neat. They just fall out of me. That's pretty cool. Really weird. I fart a lot bigger now. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Are you excited about that?

I don't know if excited is the term I would go with, but I am. Yeah, it's really neat. You have said that you can't control it anymore. I can't control my farts. I pee now a little bit all the time in my pants. It's kind of fun, but the fart control is really a problem. What do you think it happens? How does that happen?

Well, I think it's having my asshole sewn shut. Had something to do with it. Having that area between my vagina and asshole sewn shut four weeks ago. Yeah. Something tells me and then pushing a baby out of my cooter did that. Made you lose control of farts. Something happened in the sewing and the... Yeah.

It's just a theory. Yeah. What do you think? It could be. How are you handling not having sexual intercourse with me this long? Meeting other people online. Where on like a grinder, tender? All of them.

Yeah. And how's it going? It's good. I mean, a lot of it's just like bathrooms, you know, public bathrooms. Yeah. Animal. Yeah. You're such an animal.

Well, you know. Public bathroom. They understand. Everybody goes, I understand. You know, you just need this for a second. Because you can't wait six weeks for sex. Yeah, true. It's too long, right?

Yeah. In a marriage? I think so. I mean... How many people get divorced? Do you think after the baby comes in, it's a six-week wait? I think it's a lot. It's too much to expect a man to stick around, right?

I think it is. Yeah. Yeah. I don't blame you. I think it is. I think I speak for all of us when I say... Hey, Hitler. Wait, play that again.

Okay, hold on. Hey, Hitler. Okay, hold on. Hey, Hitler. Hey, Hitler. It makes me laugh so hard. Hey, Hitler. Stupid.

Hey, Hitler. What are you talking to? Why are you talking to Hitler? Is she vlogging to the furor? Yeah, it looks like it. It looks like it. I'm just hoping that he's listening in the afterlife. Hey, Hitler.

So, you know, this kid that was in... Yeah, this kid that was screaming to his mom. I think he won the third place ribbon. Mom! Oh, Nassal. Yeah, he's Nassal. A lot of applause. Amanda Lutz.

Jeff Ackoff, did you hear that? Okay. Look how happy these people are. Yeah. I'm Emily and I... I forgot everything else. Do you know where you're from? A dumb kid.

Dubuque. Okay. You remembered? Did you remember how to call your mom? Yes. Mom! Oh, my God. Wow.

Okay, that was your second place winner. I believe... I believe she won on sheer volume. Jesus. What kind of nerds do you think are... Do you picture the nerds that are calling this or no? The nerds that are... Oh, the jet.

Yeah. I think that she is... So weird. If you don't mind, I'm going to fart in my dad's face real quick, like that guy. Jesus. Yeah, it's creepy when people are really involved in like children's competitions of any sort, right? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. What are you doing on a Saturday hosting the mom calling contest? I think that... I think that I want to... I have sex with my dad. I think if my mom put me in that competition, I might leave there a little... A little different attitude.

Like, why'd you put me in front of the crowd? Yeah. You know, it's kind of like... Angry at my mother. So I started saying, Mom! Mom! Mom!

Mom! Mom! Why did you do that to me? You know? I love that. Yeah. That one's my favorite. That's a grown man.

That is so... That is kind of evil. Putting your kid in like any kind of pageantry. My mother was always doing that shit to me. That is evil. Putting me in fashion shows, acting class. I also... I think, you know, we'll fuck up as parents, but...

Of course, yeah. One of the things that I really always resented parents for is when you go... Parents are like, Hey! And in front of people like... Both of them are like, She's pretty. Go talk to her.

To boys, you mean? Yeah. But they would embarrass... Like they would do it in front of people. It's creepy. She's sitting right over there. And then, you know, I'm like... I see her at like a public place.

How old are you? I think that kind of stuff starts happening everywhere from... Like when people kind of start having boyfriend, girlfriend, like the childish ones are 6th, 7th grade, 8th grade. But then when, you know, even into 9th, 10th grade, I remember being on a vacation and my dad... We went to some show, you know. It was like a...

Like a sex show? Yeah. Family sex show. So this couple, they were butt fucking on stage and we were all going... You know, you just kind of watch it. Jerk off, yeah. You know, my dad's jerking off next to me and he goes... We sit in the auditorium to watch the show and he holds everyone back from sitting down

because there's a cute girl and he's like, Tommy! And then... Oh my god. And then he goes, you know, just signals. And I was like, dude, why are... You know, do you know how embarrassing this is right now? Well, why is your dad scoping out hot 12-year-olds? That's the real...

No, no, no. I was probably 16. Oh, well, there you go. But it's so fucking humiliating. Because it also... Yeah, it's none of his business. You're sexual. Why are you doing that to me?

Yeah. And then he's like... Oh man. That would make me crazy. I have a visceral reaction to it still. But what were you supposed to do? I'll tell you how much rage I still have for that is right now, you could put me in front of a heavy bag and I would just demolish it of how angry it makes me.

Really? Yes. Yeah, because I feel like it's humiliating to be put in that position. I agree with you. I think it's... What do you want me to do? It's so gross. Tell her I want to fuck her right now?

You want to finger her? Yeah. Would that make your dad happy? Excuse me, I'd like to finger you. Fucking hate it, isn't it? You know what I really hate in parents? It makes me crazy. Whenever you meet a small child and the parent and then the parent's like...

Jessica, show them how you can bark like a dog. Do your trick. Do it again. Show them how you say hello. Do it like you did earlier. Yeah, I don't need to see... A kid does need to do tricks for me to acknowledge its existence. Don't worry, the kid can be whatever it is.

Yes. Don't force... Let your kid be a kid. Yeah, similar with your dad forcing your sexuality on someone, right? Like, Tommy, go get on this girl. Like, no. Don't make the kids do anything. It's horrible.

Yeah. I just... I wish I could, you know, in that instance, I wish I could sub dad in for mom here. Mom! Mom! Dad! Mom! Dad!

Why did you do that to me? Yeah. You know what my mother used to do, and made me fucking crazy, is we would always go on a trip or somewhere and she'd force me to get to the front of the line. Like, I'd have to wake up... Like, we took a tour through Mexico, and every day we'd board a tour bus to go through Mexico. And she would make me get up earlier, and then go stand in front of the bus so that we got the best seats.

Oh, yeah. Like, go to the front of the... Like, the panic of being in the back of the line my mother had, so that my whole life, yeah. Always for the line to build. Always to be the first in line. I had to go ahead. Which seat would you take at that point when you got on?

What's the best seat? Okay, so the best seat... For... According to my mom on an airplane, the best seat was next to the window by the wing, because she believed if there was a crash, that if you sat by the wing, your likelihood of survival was higher, because she'd read that somewhere. Same with the bus. Middle of the bus, window.

Craziness. Right? Yeah. I don't think that's the best seat. On a bus? Fuck no. I think you want to go towards the front. Not the very front, because you're a nerd.

Yeah. You want to be near the front. Near the front. Yeah. You don't want to get off quicker. Exactly. It's all about not being stuck on that bus. Of course.

And the back is the worst, obviously. Yeah. And if you've got like a... Some of those buses have little turd stalls in them. In the back. Oh, God, yeah. Man, can you imagine? And people are just dumping on a bus.

In Mexico, too. Yeah. They're dumping extra dumps. Plus, you don't take care of yourself, you know? People are sweating more, and it's just all musking up in the back of the bus. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's not good.

No. Not good. Well, let's see how this other mom call went. And now here is the first place winner. What's your name, sweetie? Heather. Where are you from? Norwalk.

How old are you? Nine. Let's hear that blue ribbon award-winning mom call. That was so good. You can catch that each year up at Pioneer Hall on Friday. Thank you very much, kids. That kid just screamed. That wasn't a...

I'd argue that the third place should be the first. Yeah. He was really something. I don't think that was... Tess? So Nathan and... That's terrible. I'm six.

And where do you live? In Carlyle. Carlyle. Okay. Let's hear it. What do you sound like when you call your mom? It looks like you won the third place ribbon. Mom!

Yeah. See, I like that one. Yeah. It wasn't just a scream. If I were, if I'm being honest here, I would tell all these kids, none of you is a winner, though. Right. None of these mom calls were really that impressive to me.

Really? Yeah. I would just be like, you know, maybe you should get a participation award. I would tell that to the kids until they call me. To all of them. Yeah. Make them cry a little bit. But you have to pick a winner.

Yeah. But I mean, why do I have to pick it out of those three? You know? Well, we want to go to this contest next year and we can sit through all the mom calls. Yeah. Let's book it. We could bring our son. That'd be a really good idea.

Are you popping? Yeah, it's so annoying. Pop-pop. I think that pop-pop should be resolved. Yeah. I don't know. Is it? Yeah.

Well, for now it is. Can you play this clip, Mike? Yeah. So my cousin Julie sent in this article about Jessica Simpson that's making the rounds. Apparently she was on the Ellen show. Yeah. And she admitted to America that she only, well, why don't we play the clip? Let's play the clip.

I don't want to blow the load here. Let's play the clip. Now, I hate to bring this up because this may eliminate some prospects, but you don't brush your teeth. Oh, well, not all the time. Maybe three times a week. Explain why. Because my teeth are so white and I don't like them to feel too slippery, but I do use

like listerine and I do floss every day. Right. But I don't brush them every day. I just, I'll use a shirt or something. But I always have fresh breath. No. It's so slippery and I feel like, I don't know, my lips just slide all over the place. So you need a little bit of something to keep them slowed down.

Just a little coating. I know, it's gross. It's gross. That is fucking crazy. Gnarly. Now that, this is from a while ago. Oh, really? Yeah.

This must not be late breaking. Oh, no. It's from 2010. Well, it's late breaking to me. I agree. It's completely changed my perspective on life, on teeth and on Jessica Simpson for sure. That's so gross though.

You can't have fresh breath if you're only brushing. Three times a week? Not in this house. I don't know what she's talking about. I don't think a dentist would support that. No. I don't understand what she meant. My teeth are so white.

Well, she's got them big donkey veneer chompers. She's got big white vagers. Yeah. What does that have to do with you? I don't know why you're not brushing. I don't know, dude. It doesn't even add up to me. She says it's too slippery.

What does that mean? I don't know. Teeth are too slippery? She's a retard, babe. Retard. How's your teeth? Are you flossing since becoming a dad? Not as much as I should be, but I flossed last night.

I flossed last night. Retarded. But I haven't, you know. How's your dad mouth? It's, you know, it's progressing. I mean, it's slipping into daddom, but it's not a full dad mouth yet. And like, you know, this morning I'll tell you, like last night I flossed and I brushed my teeth.

And then this morning I brushed and used Listerine. And then tomorrow or tonight I'll probably do all three. I'm not big on. I mean, do you floss? I don't know. No. I don't think you. I floss in the evening after dinner.

That's what I do. But every once in a while, depending on what I eat and if I can get my hands on it, I'll even floss after lunch. Wait a minute. Are you supposed to floss more than once a day? A lot of people floss after their first meal. Yeah. Like lunch.

I might. If I have like a salad, because the green pieces get stuck. Yeah. In my chompers. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But definitely after dinner. That's disgusting if you don't.

Mm-hmm. Well, I had my first dental appointment after, you know, let's see. It's been six months. February 9th. So I'll report back on mom mouth. Yeah. You know. What you know.

Totally slept on. It's not even. I mean, it is maintenance, but I really wish I just, you know, I should just do is I haven't used my whitening trays in forever. Oh, you got to do it. When was the last time you did it? Well, I can't because I got veneers. So once they're done because you can't lighten veneers once they're on.

Right. Yeah. All right. So I'm stuck with this. Or about tonight. Should I do it tonight? I wish you would. You wish I would.

I mean, they're so yellow. Butters. Stop. Shut up. That is not true. You've had them forever and you never use them. I've used them. I've used them a few times.

They do burn. But the burn, it's a good burn. I use them a lot when I got them. Right. But you got to turn your gums white with the burn. That's how you know. It burns so hard. So fucking intense.

That's how you know it's working, Tom. Yeah. Burn your gums. Mm-hmm. I used to love the burn of that. That felt real good. Yeah. It's a lot.

What was I watching last night? Some guy in millionaire matchmaker. You know what I noticed on that show is that people are like, I'm worth $1 million. And I live in Rancho Santa Margarina, you know. Yeah, yeah. And it's like 100 miles outside of LA where like $200,000 is worth a million dollars somewhere shitty like that. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like you're not in LA, bro. Yeah. So of course you can get a mansion. There's... Like come on. That fucking show is absolutely a lesson on how to be a douchebag or not be one. All these guys make me cringe as a man where I'm like, ugh.

The ones that are like, I have a great sense of humor so she better have one too. Those guys are gross. Right. If you have to tell people you have a sense of humor. Yeah, it's always that. You know, that's the same as couples who go like at least one of them is like, we never fight. We're super in love.

I love her so much. Yeah, sure. Always a red flag that they're talking about it all the time. It's like if a person's like, I'm a good guy, you know, one thing about me, I'm a really good guy. Right. Okay. Run for the hills.

Yeah. I mean, and you see it on that show, you see it all. I'm a really good guy. I'm really funny, you know, I hope she can hang with my sense of humor. That's right. I want a partner in crime, which is so dumb because I was just saying like, I want somebody I get along with. Yeah.

Well, really? You don't want somebody that fights with you a lot? Nada. Yeah. Retard. Oh, the other one is that it's super gross too, is that I'm a really young version of you. Oh, that's the best.

It'll be like so-and-so. He's 47. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, I'm worth like a seven to ten million dollars. I'm 46, but I'm a really young, I mean, a lot of times people will ask me, are you 33? Yeah.

Like, uh-huh. So a lot of times people get your age, they get, they're off by like 13 years. My favorite is the guy that's like, I'm 47, but I look 30. Yeah. Like, no, you don't, bro. And then- Bro, you don't. The funny, actually the funniest thing to be on that show is when they go, well, what

age do you want to date? It'll be a guy who's like 50, and she goes, he'll go, I'm thinking, you know, 25, 20. And she'll go, ugh, that's so creepy. You're so fucking old. And the guys will be like, ah, those are the funniest moments on this show, is that she calls you out for being a total creep. And- POS.

You're a POS and you're playing way out of where you should be. Yeah. She's like, get somebody way closer and age your old fucking ass. I should, we actually got a beautiful young woman subject herself to you. You're disgusting. That was so funny. Or there was one guy, oh, we talked about this last time with the 40, was it the 47 year old?

And the girl was like, have you seen that movie? What about Bob? Oh my God. And he's like, it's before my time. Like, how old are you, motherfucker? Yeah. And he was like, I like Springsteen. I like you too.

Yeah. So she goes, I like Lincoln Park. And he's like, hmm, not familiar. Yeah, we did talk. Actually, and the other thing I really enjoy is when a douchebag like that guy reports back to Patty and he's like, this is a great date. And she goes, yeah, well, she said you're old as fuck and she would never want to see you again.

He's like, what? Yeah. They're so blown away when the girl has zero attraction to them. Yeah. And that one was an old one too. God. I think it was right when, or close to when Napoleon Dynamite came out. Yeah.

And she goes, have you seen Napoleon Dynamite yet? And he goes, no. No. She goes, oh, you got to see that. Yeah. He goes, I don't make my way to the cinema that often. The cinema, the colored pictures, the movie, the talkies. You fucking old turd.

Yeah. That is. So, but anyway, so I'm watching these old episodes on Apple TV and last night there was a guy who claims to be a millionaire, but he did the classic veneer, no, no, which is just the tops. Oh, yeah. Cheap ass, white, big gas billboards. And then the bottom he leaves untouched so that they're yellow as shit and the top is

all white. Yeah. And it makes you look so much older. Yeah. You look like the crypt keeper with the creepy white teeth. Why do you think no one can see the bottoms? I know. Everybody can see that.

It's not in your underwear. It's also in your mouth. It's just the lower portion of your mouth. First of all, first of all, you could get veneer tops with no bottoms because nobody sees your bottom deep. Like right now, I haven't seen your bottom teeth in conversation. I have to pull down your lip like when I pull down FIFO's mouth or bitsies to look at the teeth.

Uh-huh. The way the way you talk in the beard, yeah, sometimes it looks like you don't have any teeth like you look like a home. See, look, no one can see talk. They can't see your bottom teeth ever. They can see my bottom teeth because your lips are big and your beard is so full. That's so rude. That's rude.

Nobody can see your chompers. You could get all veneers up top and nobody would see them. Come on, man. Because of your big, homeless mouth. No, now you're forcing it, but Tom, this is how you talk. This is how you talk most of the time. Okay, this is you. Okay.

Like, babe, where's the spoon, babe, did you find my battery from my camera, babe? Why are you doing this fucking retarded talk? Babe, babe, babe. That's how you talk. I don't talk like that. I don't talk like that. I don't talk like that. Can we talk about your oopsie panties?

Oh, my oopsies. My oopsies. I got these dick shorts. They're basically really loose fitting sweatshorts. But you wear them with your dick out. That's why we call them dick shorts because you don't wear panties. Well, my dick's not out of them. My dick's in them.

Free in them. That's why I call them your dick shorts. So they're a picture of loose fitting sweatshorts, right? They're the best things ever to wear around the house. Now I have a new pair. I have two new pairs actually. I have one that I bought when I was at the stove and then I have a, I have a me undies pair that they sent and then I have my third is 10 years old.

Those are the best. Those are the ones I had on my old dick shorts and when I, if I could, they're so loose that if I take a few steps, they ride down my waistline and it's kind of like me going, oopsie. Oopsie. Did you see something? I hope you didn't get a peek of something you shouldn't have. I feel really bad if you did. Now the key to a pair of oopsies is that they have to be over 10 years old because I have

a pair of sweatpants. I have a pair of oopsie sweatpants that the gray ones, you know, I'm talking about the foldovers. Yes. Those are my oopsies. You got a folder. I have to fold them over just to have them stick to my waist or that, or that loose. Oopsies are like, it's like playing roulette.

Like if you walk outside of the house, like if you want to go get the mail, you let in the dogs out in your oopsies. Yeah. I hope the neighbors don't. Yeah. Cause they're going to get a real oopsie. They might see a lot more than they signed up for. I really like that.

You did it in front of our nanny. You wore your oopsies out last night. I did. And I was carrying plates back to the kitchen and with each step they started to lie down. So I had to stop because if you're just home, I'll just let everything fall out. Of course. But I had to stop and pull them up. Now, were you wearing a shirt or were you going topless?

Yep. More fucking cable issues here. I know. You gotta figure out. Oopsies. Yeah. Oopsies. I once wore your dick shorts.

Which ones? Those? The gray oopsie. The ultimate oopsie. So let's just forever refer to the original oopsies or the gray ones. Yeah. I wore them for the first time like when I was pregnant. The new oopsies are gray too.

The new dick shorts are gray. But they're 10 years old? The new ones are gray. Right. The old ones. The ones that I had on last night. Those are gray also. That's what I'm saying.

That both are gray. Those two are gray. Well, when I refer to your oopsies, I'm talking about the OG 10 year old. Those are really good. Oopsie. I put them on and I thought to myself, how much cum has been inside of these pants? Quite a lot. Quite a bit.

A lot of jizz in your oopsies. So much. So many loads. So much. It would upset you to know how much. And what about brown streaks? It's probably covered in streaks. I don't think it's real streaky, but it's definitely had more jizz than you want to

think about for sure. Yeah, actually, and I'm not disgusted by you really. By you really? Uh-huh. But that time I thought, should I really be wearing his oopsies because there's so much common brown probably and yellow. You look a little nauseous. This will conclude the end of Down the Hatch number 19.

Okay. Say bye-bye. Bye. Oh, God. It's too much jizz. Right. I figured. Yeah.

Down the Hatch number 19. Yeah. Stupid. Yeah. It's pretty gross. Tom, what was it when we were in the car and you thought it was really funny? Did you burp or you fart? No.

Oh, man. That's the hardest I've laughed in a year. What were we doing? So I was driving the car and I had to fart. So what I did was I went to, I like to make physical gestures when I fart. That's the most sexiest part about our marriage. Right. So sometimes I'll punch the air and fart.

So this time I took my hand like you would and I like a gun. So your thumb is the hammer, right? In your index and your middle finger are the barrel and I did the thing where I was shooting the gun as I farted. So it sounded like I was farting out of my handgun. Well, anyways, when I was done farting, I kept making my thumb moves or the gun still shooting, but there was no more fart. So I said, my gun jammed.

And then I did it a few more times and I go gun jammed and you go, I got the joke. I got it. And I laughed, I think for 22 minutes straight. I don't think I've laughed that hard when you go, I understand the joke. I got it. It really made me laugh hard because I was annoyed because I just wanted to get to McDonald's to get my Sunday and you were, you were lollygagging with your new fart joke. Yeah.

I didn't want any part of it. Basically like moving my hand and I go gun jammed, gun jammed on me and you go, I got it. I got the joke. What you said it was so much contempt and that's what made me laugh really hard. My contempt for you. Yeah. Well, I'm glad I got, I made you happy for a minute.

Yeah. It was quite, quite a bit of it. Speaking of McDonald's, oh, oh, sorry. We just went to McDonald's for our early dinner, first dinner and then their second dinner later, but you seem to think that the Diet Coke is better than the regular Coke. Well, the Diet Coke, which I understand most retarded people would agree. The Diet Coke at McDonald's is just, look, all their stuff is crack, but you can ask any Diet Coke.

Look, I'm not advocating drinking Diet Coke. It is terrible for you. They shouldn't drink all, all sodas diet. It's all bad. They have it often, but you go into Mickey D's and you do drink Diet Coke and you get it there. It's a whole other level. I don't know what it is about their mixture because it used to be people go, well, their

regular soda is better, which I'm sure it is, but their diet soda tastes different too and in a better way. It's better. Yeah. It's better than the shit you get out of the can. Yeah. Because it's, it's carbonated just the right amount. And it's just the right amount of sweetness.

There's no function. Yeah. It's like a fountain soda where you're like, has like some funk to it, like some back of the tongue tasting weird shit. Yeah. It's too syrupy and not bubbly enough. Like in and out, they fuck up their Dr. Pepper. They do.

Every time. Almost. It's hard to get Dr. Pepper in a fountain. Yeah. Cause they fuck that up all the time, but I do think that the regular Coke is better than the Diet Coke at McDonald's. Yeah. And I don't know why you're fucking around with the DC there, but whatever.

Well, regular Coke might be, yeah, that might be the way to go. There. And you know what's really great is their ketchup. It's so perfect. It's a little bit sweeter. Yeah. It's a little bit, and they're fries. Oh man.

You know, if anybody wants, chooses Burger King fries over McDonald's fries, I say absolutely go fuck your mother. Yeah. Cause it's not even, there's no comparison. No, you should stick those fries in our couch. Yeah. Stick them in the couch. Have your mom and dad come on them and eat them that way because that's what you deserve.

Have it your way, asshole. Have it your way. Eat that shit, motherfucker. Yeah. That's gross. Fuck. Can I say something? You feel like you, you feel like eating that now?

Oh God, I'm feeling disgusted because I don't want to eat something this disgusting right now. I'm not, I mean, I'm hungry, but I'm not hungry for a penis. Wait, but don't you agree that Burger King is clearly inferior to McDonald's? Yeah. It's without question. It's fucking terrible. Yeah.

Yeah. No. And then Wendy's is below everything. Ugh. Wendy's doesn't even count. Oh, Arby's. Oh, Arby's is the bottom of the barrel. Some people love Arby's.

Not a lot. They love those roast. I met somebody that worked that in Arby's and they said nothing is grosser than when they unload the pallets of the roast beef when you work there and you see that shit come in. And I've had a couple of people tell me as gross as all fast food is though, you should get a burger at a fast food place over chicken. They said that, yeah, preservation wise and they said it's not, the chicken is really

disgusting. Well, the chicken probably doesn't move as quickly as the burgers do. Yeah. Ugh. Well, I haven't. You get stronger when you eat it. Whatever you eat there, you get strong. It feels good.

I had a joke about Arby's in my act for a while and I'd pull the audience like who here loves Arby's and out of a room of say, you know, 200 people, there would be about a handful of diehard Arby's fans and I'd be like, are you fucking serious? Well, they're going to be on this, listening to this show. Of course. We're going to get tons of email. We're going to get hate mail. Not just email.

Hate mail. But I was like, there's one, there's one entree there. It's the vagina beef sandwich. Yeah. Right. And then, but then people swear by their curly fries. That's what it is. The audience goes curly.

Well, those people have a good point. Those curly fries are out of control. Good. I've never had them. I've only eaten at Arby's once in my life as a child. Damn it. Arby's once as a child. Curly fries are off the chain with my dad and that my dad eats like shit.

Yeah. And even he doesn't dig Arby's. Really? Carl's Jr. guy. You like Carl's Jr. And a KFC guy. Yeah. My dad to top dog.

McDonald's. McDonald's and KFC. Yeah. I think KFC is the worst handstand. My dad told me the other day that it was okay to do he would eat at McDonald's and KFC every day. Of course. There are some people that do, which is the craziest part.

There's people probably who listen to our show to do. That's really crazy, man. You're going to die. Well, I think KFC is the worst for you. Would you argue? I would argue that the batter, the fried, all the fucking, like, you mean they dip it and they fry it. I thought you meant like it's more batter to eat somewhere.

Like, it's more batter to eat there than at the other place. The sides are garbage. The potatoes are garbage. The corn is dipped in butter, everything in butter. The gravy is pretty tasty, even that's dog shit for me too. It's nothing good for you there. How about those commercials they're doing now? Nice.

Oh. Those are pretty cringey. Yeah. Yeah. That was just so bad. So bad. Yeah. So annoying.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, what can you do? Yeah. You got to make money somehow. Jesus Christ. Everybody needs to make a living. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Yeah. It's frigging good. But what, okay, listen to me though, if you had to eat one fast food place every day for a month, where do you go? What are you going to do? If you had to eat at one fast food place for a month, well, we saw how good McDonald's was for you and supersized me.

That's, yeah. That is a punishing documentary to watch. I mean, you see that and you're like, man, what am I doing with my life? If you eat there once a month and you feel like shit. We've already done damage, but now they've added salads and crap because of that. That documentary, they took supersize off of the menu. That's what kind of an impact that documentary has. That used to be, that was part of the lexicon, you know, supersize me.

Make me a bigger piece of shit is what that is and then they eliminated it. And now they list the calorie count on all the entrees. That's voluntary. They do that voluntarily. But as I'm saying, McDonald's now might be your viable choice because it has salads and a fruit and the crap that nobody orders at McDonald's. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I'm trying to think though, if you had to eat somewhere. I mean, what about Pizza Hut? Can we count Pizza Hut? Sure. But you need, but if you're going to eat there for a month, I think the key is, the key is variety, you know, like in and out is delicious and they have a much fresher tasting everything than most fast food places because it gets their fresher. You know, they slice up their potatoes.

Yeah. The meat comes every other day or something. I've never tasted a tomato like theirs. You know, it's like, it's like a, like from the produce department, like they just bought it at the farmer's. Potatoes are real. You can see them put them in the car. Yeah.

Yeah. Absolutely. So, but the problem with internet, you can't use, because you're not going to have it for 30 days in a row and they don't have anything but burgers for breakfast. Yeah. It's crazy. Maniac. What's the healthiest style fast food?

That's what I'm thinking. I know. I'm trying to think. Okay. Chipotle is a good option because you could really, you could, you have some variety and you could mix up. You could, you know, you could do chicken, they have pork, they have meat. You could do with beans without brown rice, white rice, you could eat it in a bowl, you

could eat it in a wrap. That's pretty good, but you're going to feel really sick after a couple of days of eating that and you're going to shit crazy shit. So much. Here's what I would do though. I would eat once a day if Chipotle was my place. Yeah. And then I would just like a breed and then just get diarrhea and then wait until the next

day at dinner. Yeah. Yeah. Hold on. Okay. So here's your, here's your options. You've got Del Taco, Taco Bell, Wendy's, Arby's, McDonald's, Burger King, Chipotle. Yeah.

Pizza Hut. Let's just start Pizza Hut in there to make things interesting. Yeah. Am I forgetting anybody? KFC, Kentucky Fried Chicken. Yeah. I was going to say Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A.

Yeah. Which their menus even way more limited, right? I think it's mostly just chicken. I mean, they, I think they have something else though. I don't remember. They do breakfast stuff, but then they even give you chicken at breakfast and they hate the gays. I don't know if we can support them.

Yeah. No, it's delicious enough to take the anti-gay. No. Yes it is. California you can't. I have eaten. I mean, I did that whole thing and I was like, that's terrible. And then I was like, super fun.

Good. Yeah. I've only had Chick-fil-A once, so I'm not hooked on it as much as someone who lived in the South is like you. Yeah. Chick-fil-A. Yeah. Chick-fil-A.

I mean, it's no Bojangles, but it's pretty fucking good. I like Bojangles. I've had that in airports. Yeah. Atlanta is pretty good. Chick-fil-A is just enraging because they're stupid fucking ultra Christian asses are closed on Sundays. It's just stupid.

And that is just infuriating when you're like, oh man, Sunday airport, you see Chick-fil-A closed. You're like, man, motherfucker. I know. You're like, well, Sunday, we don't, we closed 52 fucking Sundays a year. Oh, fuck them. Yeah. Sucks.

Well, here's, okay. Here's the thing. Because all those ingredients are fresh. Oh, it's a bottle. Yeah. Oh, Jack in the box. Well, who the fuck eats a Jack in the, I mean, I never do. Do you ever eat in there?

Really? Jack in the box? I don't remember. Look, in college, I get their talks. Wait, and is, is Arby's hardies? No. Hardies is Carl's Jr. in different states. Oh, hardies is Carl's Jr.

Okay. Carl's Jr. That's another one. Okay. I don't know, man. Fuck. You want the place with the freshest ingredients that you can kind of mix them in. You know, I mean, you hate to say it.

But it's almost like you should actually do it at Mickey D's now. I know. And you could, you know, you could, you could mix it up. You could do. You have a high-five Sunday for breakfast. That's a given. You have your high-five Sunday for breakfast. They do breakfast all day now.

Right. Which you love. So you can do, oh man. But I haven't been there for that, you know. Yeah. But Egg McMuffins and all that. You could, you could eat those. Those aren't that bad, right?

Egg McMuffins. They're not as bad as you assume that they are. When you actually look at the nutritional info on them, they're not. Yeah. They're not crazy. Dude, it's an egg. Yeah. It's a piece of ham and bread and cheese.

You don't have to get the cheese if you want to be healthier. You're not eating. It's not 2,000 calories or anything. Don't do the hashies. Hashies are bad for your heart. Yeah, you shouldn't do that, man. Hashies are bad for your heart. Hashies are bad.

Okay. I'm going to choose chipotle. Yeah. And just eat one today. Okay. And just get diarrhea every day. Yeah. Yeah.

Let me see. This is rude. Okay. Okay. All right. What's happening? Yeah. Hey.

Why do I have to see this? Man. Okay. I'm going to fucking throw up. Babe. Watch out. Here we go. Okay.

Got it. All right. I don't want to see it. Ugh. Oh, she's got tape around her mouth. Did you see that? Yes. I caught that.

Yeah. Gag. You're nasty. You're nasty. That is nasty. Ugh. That is nasty. You're nasty, bitch.

You're so nasty. Yeah. Ugh. How does my asshole smell, huh? Pretty bad. That's terrible. How does my asshole smell, huh? Yeah.

I think I'm actually, you know, it's not really stepping out of the box, but I think variety wise, you actually do have to stay at Mickey D's. I think. Yeah. I just think the meat is so bad. Yeah. You're really poisoning your body.

Eat it more than once if I can. She's having a salad on a Sunday. You feel fine. A salad on a Sunday? Yeah. I do. That's probably somebody's, you know, ritual. That's their ritual.

Like every once a week they go, I have my salad on my Sunday. I'm a bad girl and a good girl. Mm-hmm. I get a diet coke. Somebody sent this and they said, Link for Tom. Yeah.

Now they're wising up. They're wising up to the process here. Thank you. So I'll tell you what I see here. You can tell me. The theater of the mind. Describe it to us. Yeah.

This is definitely not a clip to play for that I can put on our site. So what I see is a woman laying on her back and your singer from the side and then a very muscular black man is having sex with her. Okay. She's holding a vibrator to her vagina as well.

Her clitoris. Mm-hmm. And then a clothed man who I can only presume is her husband since this is called the husband helping me clip is kissing her. He's leaned over and he's kissing her. Okay.

And he seems like he's really, you know, that's a pretty accurate description of me, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And then this guy said to fast forward this. Come on, baby. You're actually squirting.

Come on. Okay. There you go. I don't know why he said there's a big moment here. Wow. Look at that. Oh, my God. You okay?

Yeah. I'm great. Yeah, I bet. Holy shit, you got to see how they come down there. And that's okay. You know what's crazy is that... That was her husband. Oh, wow.

Are you okay? You got to see how they come down there. You fucking nerd. Kiwi, that some woman carried that piece of shit man around inside of her for nine months. Is that all you think about now? Yeah, delivered. You clothed.

You fed. You kept you alive as an infant. And that's your fucking contribution to society. Look at all that culling. Fucking loser. You waste of human life. God. Oh, my God.

You okay? You okay? Yeah, I bet. Holy shit, you got to see how they come down there. Oh, my God. Holy crap. I'll get you some water so you don't die. What a nerd.

Holy shit. Oh, man. Holy crap, Ola. Woo-hoo. I'd love to see her come. That really is... That's like some dude's favorite thing. Is to watch.

Did you hear that? Yeah. Are you saying... Are you throwing it out there or something we could try? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want to find a big black guy? Yep. And then I'll go,

Holy crap, Ola. Can I tell you something? In my heart of hearts, I would ruin a porno scene by saying something stupid like that. Yeah. Because I'm not good at being... You know, talking sexy. I probably would be the same thing.

That's a lot of come there, Tom. Well, that's... Sexy talks. You would say Tom, too. Tom. You just call everyone Tom? Yeah. Because you're the only person I've had sex with for the last 15 years.

15? How long have we been together? 48. Yeah, I'm sure it's hard to say the right thing, but that guy was still... He was goofy. Hey guys, that's a lot of come. Yeah.

That's really... Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Speaking of oh my gosh, we got a... You sent me a video not some of the disgusting stuff we've already played,

but more disgusting. Separately disgusting. Where... Who is it? Somebody sent in the female fart compilation. Right, right. So that was submitted those a little while ago.

Yeah. And I just forwarded that to you. I feel like you need to see that, too. Thank you for sending that. You're welcome. I saw it. It's still gross. It's still what you assume it would be.

Yeah. But also it has the oh my gosh fart lady in it. It's so special. Why did you send this to me? Why?

Why not? Sorry. So it's just... Ladies farting. Ladies can fart, too, Tom. Okay. So there's all these farts. Okay.

And then look who it is. There. Who is that? Oh my gosh. There she is. Can we put this on the site? Is that cool?

Or is there too much naked? Is there naked stuff? I don't see any naked. No, it's not naked. Okay, so that's me. I want people to see her. She doesn't look how I thought she would. How do you think she would look? More distinguished? Yeah, like wearing a fur and a cigarette and a holder.

No. I picture her looking blonde. Really? Yeah, like a bleachy bleachy bleachy blonde. Like the kind you do at home. To wipe some roots. Well, now she's there. I just sent her the email.

It flew in the sky. Oh my gosh. Everybody can see that. What is that a gift? Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh, speaking of internet art,

thank you guys for putting Burt's head on Gerard de Partu's body. Yeah. We got quite a few submissions on Twitter. Really good. Really good work. I would argue that Gerard de Partu has the worst body of any human being

on film. That is not a point I would debate. I don't know if you guys, by the way, looked up, welcome to New York. But you get to see him completely naked. It is something else. It does look like Burt in four years. And you guys,

a lot of you made those, what is it, Photoshop photos that were fucking hilarious. So we talked about, you know, he just is such a fucking pig. How big de Partu is,

and it looks like, I think I actually lasted like I said, looks like he drinks straight out of the bottle. So here is an article someone sent us. De Partu, the titan of French cinema, claims he sometimes drinks

up to 14 bottles of wine a day. What? Even a quintuple heart bypass operation years ago does not seem to have tempered the actors drinking,

nor a serious motorcycle crash over the limit. The Frenchman's fondest for wine is such that he runs his own award-winning vineyard in the Medoc. He told French magazine, so film, I can't drink like a normal person.

Absorb 12, 13, 14 bottles per day. In the morning it starts at home with champagne or red wine before 10 a.m. Then again, champagne. George said he breaks up the wine intake with a little N.C.

liquor pastis. He added then food accompanied by two bottles of wine. In the afternoon, champagne, beer and more pastis around 5 p.m. to finish off the bottle. Later on, vodka and whiskey. But I'm never totally drunk.

Just a little pissed. Does that sound like somebody we know? That we were comparing him to? And then all he says, all you need is a 10-minute nap and voila, a slurp of rose wine and I feel as fresh as a daisy. Wow.

Anyway, I'm not going to die, not now. I still have energy. Dude, he is a raging alcoholic, this guy. Yeah. However, his was condemned by French mental health expert, Professor Michel Le Joye who blasted

French attitudes to the heavy consumption of alcohol. He said a consumption of 14 bottles a day is beyond all data, all thresholds and health references of the World Health Organization. It's the proof

of the vision we have of alcohol poisoning. Man, that is unbelievable. Hey, how come alcoholics don't have to sleep? I don't know, man. That's a good question. You know how they just don't need to sleep? They sleep 15 minutes

like he's saying and they keep partying? I don't know. How is that possible? We could call Bert, I don't know. Because I thought the booze puts you out. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, any alcoholics out there

write in, let me know why it is that you don't have to sleep when you're a raging alcoholic. Because I worked with a guy on a show one time who was a big alcoholic and he would just drink all day, all night and then sleep literally about an hour or two and just be up again.

It's really, yeah, it is weird how that works. I'm not really, I'm not sure. Ask Bert. Guys, tweet Bert and ask him. How come you don't have to... Here's the one we didn't tweet. Can you guys start tweeting Jimmy Johnson?

I tweeted out the video that I showed Christina of what she believed was Jimmy Johnson's sex video. I'm talking about Jimmy Johnson, the hall of fame or the excuse me, Super Bowl

champion-winning coach. His hashtag, his handle on Twitter is at Jimmy Johnson. J-I-M-M-Y Can you ask him about the sex tape

that he made? I tweeted it out. I didn't want to put it on the website because it's pretty, you know, it's pretty intense, right? Yeah. It's not something you'd want to...

Ask him if he has any more sex tapes and tell him you enjoyed watching his first sex tape. You really got me. I did, I know, it was really great. The brilliance of that video was that I couldn't see the guy's face and it looked like an old man's body.

He was real pasty and then he had real pink goat nuts, too. Yeah. Long nuts and his dick looked old, too. His dick did look... And then that young, sweet girl was just so face-deep in that butthole.

Yeah, she really worked it and she put her finger in there and licked it like it was a lollipop. How did that? Rusty trombone, everything, yeah. I wonder how much he paid for that. I don't know, man. It's really something, though.

It's something. Speaking of sex, dude, we were right, by the way, our prediction for the last season of Downton Abbey. It's kind of a sex fest. And we called it. Carson the butler is marrying...

What's her name? Mrs. Hughes. And the whole episode was about sex. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck. Oh, man. Oh, my God. There it is.

That's below the stairs. Gosh. Yeah, that's Downton Abbey clip. Nailed it. We got compliments from our British mummies on my British voice. Really? A lot of them were saying, you know,

totally fooled, like you nailed it. Nailed it. Now, we watched Peaky Blinders a little bit. Do you want to practice your Birmingham? That guy, should we pick... Should we pull him up? Bam. Bam-ing-um.

Bam-ing-um. That guy seemed almost like it was a joke. Wait, which dude? Not the star, but the first guy that... That guy looks like Tony Hinchcliffe. That's who he looks like, the Peaky Blinders guy, doesn't he? The star. Yeah.

By the way, Tony Hinchcliffe, good friend of ours, his special is coming to Netflix the 15th. So it's later this week, I believe. That's crazy.

Thanks to him. That is huge for our buddy Tony. And many thanks, many thanks to all of you that have message us. We haven't even discussed that since the special just came out. A lot of positive reviews, Tom.

Positive energy, positive reviews. It's been, yeah, it's been really something. Has your dad given you any comedy notes? He was very happy with it. He told me his favorite lines and stuff. But I mean, did he

suggest any material for you? Or some dad jokes you could punch up with? No. He still does this thing which makes me crazy, but I'm tolerating, which is everything that he talks about. He makes a comedy analogy

where I'm just like, dude, I get it without that. Do you know what I mean? He thinks I don't understand something unless he puts it in stand-up comedy terms. You know, like in your comedy routines when you're doing that.

He'll say, you know, this business, it'll be like a business story, they're not checking the product out on the factory line before it goes out. And I go, yeah, that's crazy.

I mean, Tommy, that'd be like if you were to write a joke, you'd never tried the joke out. I understand it without this comedy analogy. You don't have to put it in comedy terms. Or he'll say, you know,

the guy went ahead and just thought he could do, thought he could just run this company. You featured for years. It'd be like if you didn't emcee and you didn't feature and now you're trying to say

you keep doing this to me. He's relating, Tom. I'm like, man, you don't have to put this in stand-up terms. Do you know what my dad said when I told him, no, he told me, he goes, oh, Tommy has a Netflix special. I go, yeah, he goes, is it any good?

I'm like, motherfucker, like first of all, of course it's good, but if it weren't, would I be like nah, my husband's not funny, like my husband's. It's not good, dad. The other thing, this is kind of unrelated to this, but it's just curious to me

is I'll see on Twitter where someone I don't know goes, hey, if you want to see something really funny, watch Tom's new Netflix special. It'll be tagged, you know, I'll be tagged. Tom's gross. And then under it, someone will say, who's that?

It's like, well, dude, if the tweet that I wrote is if you want to see a stand-up special check out, how else, what more should they explain? So they go, he's a stand-up comedian that you don't know.

Oh, okay. The whole premise is you don't know. You don't know, so watch the thing. Who's that? Retarded. The whole world should be exterminated. Are you were seeing doing the powder trick down at Gattison courts?

There were times that are hard. People need a reason to lay a bet. There was a Chinese. There was a Chinese. What shall women say? She's a witch. It helps them believe. Well, don't mess with Chinese. Look at the book.

Chinese have cutters of their own. We agreed, Arthur. I'm taking charge of dropping up no money. Don't mess with Chinese. Oh, that was so good. I thought it was good. We've cutters of their own.

Wow, that was really good. What if Monogamboy wins? You fix him races now. Do you have permission from Billy Kimber to be fixing races? His accent is crazy, right? Fixed races. That's really strong.

And he's got that gravel voice, too. What does Peaky Blinders? What does that mean, even? Peaky Blinders. That's this gang that's in this show. What does it mean, a Peaky Blinder? To peek through blinders? Doesn't it have to do with horse racing?

Oh, maybe. Isn't that the Blinder on the horse? I don't know. I don't know what the fuck a Peaky Blinder is. Peaky Blinders. Might. Well, it says it's real. I didn't know that. A Peaky Blinder?

I never heard a real criminal gang. I didn't know that was true. And they were in Birmingham. We've been there. Okay, here we go. According to this guy, the name Peaky Blinders is said to derive from the practice of stitching razor blades

into the peak of their flat caps. Oh, yeah, they showed that in the show. Which could then be used as weapons. Oh, yeah, because in the bar, the guy picks up his hat and he goes, oh, whatever. You got that going for you. It says that more mundane explanation is

that Peaky's was a common nickname for flat caps with peaks. The gangs were known to have a distinctive clothing style wearing the peaked caps. You know who else does that razor blade serve? Cholas. They had razor blades in their hair. I thought it was for the horses.

Well, it's really back to kips. Pretty good. That was really good. I want to be surprised if Peaky Blinders and ask you to guest on an episode or... Well, here's my audition tape. What's good in here? You think we can take on

the Chinese and Billy Kimber? Billy's got some bloody army! I think. Nothing. That's what I do. That's good. I think. So that you don't have to.

Oof. That's pretty intense, huh? His nose from Belfast. Here's this guy. What? What? That's English? That's that guy. That is a guy.

What about Belfast last night? What the fuck? I feel like you've mastered English. The English accent. What's your next thing in to be? I don't know. I really haven't found an accent I can't master yet. Would you like me to challenge you?

Australian, go. Hey, Mike! Me? I'm from Melbourne. That was really good. Yeah, I got a fucking DJ redo. See? It's easy. German, go.

The Austrian person, these things about these German autos is that they move faster because it sounds a little Asian. How's that Asian? It sounds a little Chinese. I have another hood in my voice. You need to clean the fucking wax out of your ears.

It was perfect. It was perfect German? Look, the only perfect comes out of me. Right. I spit perfection. Let's do Asian then, go do your Chinese accent. Do you like it when I put more pressure? There.

And that would be your misuse? Yeah. More pressure? Do it, do it. I do. Do you want more pressure? Then she asks you something and you totally misunderstood. Yeah.

She goes, I go in the room and she walks out, she comes in and she goes, I go, what? She goes, you call? I go, yeah, because I called. She was saying, did you call for this appointment? Right.

She goes, okay. Then she walks out and then I hear her turn the heat on because she was saying, are you cold? I said, yeah. And then later she goes, Hot? And I go, yeah.

And then she pushed extra hard and she was saying, hard. Which I thought she was saying, are you hot? Sure. What kind of Asian is she in? She is Thai. Oh, yeah.

I said Chinese and then you did Thai accent. So maybe if you could, and I know you can, just do slightly different. What's the difference between a Thai and a Chinese accent? You can do that, please. You want my comment?

You want my comment? I'm sorry, which one is that? Which one are you doing? That's Chinese. That's Chinese? Yeah. To my untrained ear, Thai. Yeah, no, you don't know the fuck you're talking about. Go ahead. No.

That's Chinese? Yeah. And then Thai, please? Yeah. So the Thai one, you have to cry a little before you talk. Oh, no. Yeah.

What about Vietnamese? Can you do that? I mean, I can do them all. Just a matter of what... Can I hear more? I feel like I just heard a little taste. Here's Vietnamese. His paper is stuck in the butter. Oh, no.

That's Filipino, actually. Filipino. No. What color you want? You want another? You want color? You want pink color? There you go.

No, they go from Angela Johnson's bit. They go, what color do you want? Oh, yeah. You like pink nail? Man, how fucking much could you crush one bit harder than she crushed that? It gave her a whole career.

An entire lucrative career. It's amazing, isn't it? She'd be getting lucrative off of a bit. I should be told I like it, though. I do like the bit. I hate to admit it, but I think it's pretty funny. It's hilarious. I have not actually heard my voice

in a conversation for nearly three years now. That one's my favorite of all times. Yeah, it's great. I have not actually had my voice in four years now. Four years now. I'm sorry, could you take us out with a little tie? A little tie?

Could you talk tie? A perfect tie accent for people. Oh, yeah, absolutely, no problem. Thank you for listening to your mom's podcast. How tight are you

to listen to the songs? What do you think? That was brilliant. Thank you as always for listening to our show. More pressure. More pressure. And we'll be back next week. Thank you.

Thank you for listening. Thank you. Thank you. I should tell you a quick plug at the end of this. In celebration of the new special, we restocked and are re-releasing the sub cane shirts.

So they're back on sale. We restocked them. There's a couple more shirts. So if you go to... Oh, my God, smell bad. Oh, God. Just go fuck me, man. All right.

Just go to this fucking store. No. I don't want to smell it. All right, bye. Thanks, guys. Lumberjack. Lumberjack. Lumberjack. Lumberjack.

Lumberjack. Lumberjack. Lumberjack. Lumberjack. Lumberjack. Lumberjack. Lumberjack. Lumberjack.

Lumberjack. Lumberjack. Lumberjack. Lumberjack. Lumberjack. Lumberjack. Lumberjack. Lumberjack.

Lumberjack. Lumberverted. Lumberjack. Have a fun day. Have a wonderful day.